Keith Bugden Years ago, before I was aware of narcissistic behavior, the narcissist in my life accused me of “having an addictive personality“, where in a very serious tone he kept telling me that I need to be careful about what I do “because I had no boundaries and would overdo whatever negative practices I decided to engage in.” Turns out he was talking about HIS DAMN SELF! Turns out that he was making large purchases without consulting his wife, turns out he was gambling a lot, turns out he was cheating on his wife too! Multiple times. The very thing that he was guilty of, he projected onto me. I worried about that concept for a long time and then I had to tell myself that it just wasn’t true. All that anguish and waste of emotion that I spent because I thought he was a dear friend who was trying to help me be a better person. Now I know the truth.
ladyiola I hear you, Being put through the emotional wringer is a terrible experience. All that time being misled and trusting the liar while ignoring our internal alarms sounding. Denying our feelings, anger, sadness. The deliberate betrayal and deceit. The ongoing emotional manipulation, being strung along blindly. All the time and effort we expended for wasted precious time and energy. Brutal eye opening lessons not to tangle with a toxic narcissist. Consumed by anger, left with bitter regret and tears. We deserve so much more, so much better. We’ve experienced the worst the best is yet to come! They have paved the way to prepare us for better, be open to receive 👍💝😎
One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
I came to the conclusion that is the way my former "friend" treated me as appalling as she did, whilst at the same time not wanting to leave me alone. I think it's a common thing with them. It makes me sick that I did not walk away from all this abuse sooner.
Truth is....doesn't matter what you said to them...because there was no one home inside to hear you. Walk away n dont look back. You can write in your journal what u need to say.
Yes! my brother from across the country came to visit a few years ago. Now as I am almost divorced, he mentioned that snark smirk look my X would unknowingly convey, and I was so used to that look that i forgot that was a significant thing until my brother pointed that out. Creepy.
Interesting. I remember this weird look in the narcissist that I came across once, eyes.. Hard to describe... as if there was nothing there, or some weird mixture of cold, anger, nothingness, emptiness, disdain... also something REALLY looking for something to find to hang onto. I don't give reactions for bullshit and acting out, and I love to observe how human minds work, so he grew rapidly frustrated with me (or so i I conclude now). However, out of extreme curiosity, I'd love to go back in time and pause that look and just keep staring at it to analyze it. As nasty and creepy as it is, it is also fascinating when your curious.
I just said the other day, I wish Ramani and her info were widely available to me in the 2000s. I would like to believe I would have seen the red flags
Agreed!! Its like we’re all born into old fashion minded people who need to grow up and mature and get with society’s growth they just lack working on themselves/excuses
I am rooting for you! It takes a lot to overcome the power your parents have over you since they are supposed to be your guardians. I have my own experiences to relate with you. You are doing what you need to for yourself! I sense you are young. You have autonomy! You belong to nobody, even your parents. I wish there was a way to help get you out of that situation, but use these videos to help keep your mind straight until you can escape it. 🔥❤️🔥
I agree!!! Outside of saying NO and waiting for the response... my favourite way to quantify the health of a partner is having a day of silence. In my experience, narcissists (and other cluster B personalities) cannot STAND the quiet. Even during meditation, they have sounds, smells, fluffy things to sit on... it's kind of wild to observe them go absolutely bonkers! Heartbreaking if I'm being honest. It must be super difficult to be them :/
I had a lady younger than (me) she walked into my church and I fell for it every time.I feel like the devil walked into my church in the form of a woman and she went to the pastor and told him all of this stuff and I was pulled into his office and she already painted me the villain with him and there was zero I could say to prove that I was innocent.that is when I realized to have zero contact at church and in the city.I FELT SO ALONE AND EVERY PERSON STOPPED TREATING ME HOW THEY WERE,and started agreeing with her!then I realized that I would never cave in no matter how I was being treated because eventually she would be caught in a lie.I FELT SO ALONE BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON THAT ACTUALLY CARED AND HE DID THAT RIGHT THING.then another person older than me came to me and said everything that this lady/devil was doing to her that saved my life literally and a while after another older lady came to me and I new that these two people were going through what I was.it was around that time this devil got married and stopped coming to church all together.I WANTED TO YELL TO EVERYONE THAT BELIEVED I WAS THE VILLAIN THAT TWO OTHERS CAME FORWARD AND THAT SAVED MY LIFE!!!!now the very last Sunday she was there she asked me to bring in the police because a member of her family was abusing her and the five children in the room.at first I didn’t believe her.she then thirty minutes later asked again and by that time I had noticed red flags that I can’t talk about but it was baiting hook 🪝 line and stinker!!!I AM A MANDATED REPORTER DO TO MY JOB AND THERE WERE SO MANY RED FLAGS ABOUT THE CHILDREN (not her but I saw involving those children)SO I CONTACTED CPS AND I FIGURED BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY 😢 IF IT WASN’T ANYTHING THEN AT LEAST THINGS HAD BEEN CHECKED OUT
@@jimmyhogan3997 you did the right thing but they're so good at appearing to be the victim the cops side with them and the man is usually carted off to jail. Dr. Todd Grande has a video: Traits of a Narc wife. The comments section is very sad. Men who've lost everything.
@@Vixinaful Yes he or she will more than likely be back probably trying to lure you in with a fake apology or maybe even sex do not fall for this because once they are back in they will double down on their previous behavior, I've noticed there's very little positive change with them and my hunch is if they were to ever really change it would take YEARS not days... not weeks not months.... but actual YEARS which I don't see many of them doing.
It destroyed me how my reactions to the abuse was turned on me as if I were the problem. It is the most head muddling situation I have ever been through. Be careful with opening up on your mental health to people like this.
Yes!!! I went through that also. I was always told that I was so argumentative, contentious or volatile. Huh? If anything I was simply always on the defense because she kept accusing me of things.
I so relate to your statement, it's mind game's. I've started the process of divorce and its the best thing I could have done, I can't believe I put up with this for 24 years.
The thing is, to them you actually are the problem. You are the one who keeps going against their grain. And you will always go against their grain, because they keep changing their expectations of you, so you never know what you are supposed to do or not do... like you said "head muddling"... frustrating af. I hope you got out okay and you're on your way to healing and regaining trust, in yourself and your ability to safely share your opinions and feelings...
I said to her, "you destroyed me". And got caught for another run, where I'd hear constant mentions of how I was so mean for having said that, or how she had been "destroyed" by this or that. A new word appeared ! Always turned against me. Those pointy word repetitions are very visible in the flow of our written conversations. I had to check gigabits of text as I did not know what was going on... I had a fun time after I said to her, "Go fuck yourself. Sincerely". I was already going out at that point. I wish I had been meaner, sooner 😅
No one is allowed emotions or reactions except the narcissist. They only want a positive mirror of who they imagine themselves to be. Give them anything else and you’re the bad guy.
there is no dealing with a narcissist. THE ONLY WAY is to permanently delete them from your life and NEVER look back. they are evil incarnate. it will NEVER improve.
I hv accepted this and left her. However, im still repairing my emotional and mental health. Its not easy. I still didnt see the silver lining of meeting her.
It s like they get satisfaction and true pleasure. But that is also consolation for us, cause if you know it is all about them getting their disgusting satisfaction they are definately going to get it from somebody else. You just stick to no contact and make sure you or your kids will never be a source of satisfaction like that to anybody ever.
My husband is a narcissist he hurts me a lot by making treating me like a doormat but other women be it his relatives, his friends, his friend's wives feel very very special.... I tried to break up with him but he patches up but continues his narc behavior ...emotionally.backmails me to.stay n not divorce because of our child who is 19yrs old
Yes agreed. My mom would listen to my troubles with my peers then bring up what a bad friend I was in detail- using what she’d learned when she was “sympathetically” hearing me out. She was just gaining intel to hurt me. 🤦🏻♀️
You explain so well how this being are! It took me 20 years to realise all this the damage this people leave is enormous and only few people believe you even with proves of all the horrible things they do 😢😢😢
When I stopped engaging, he didn't know what to do. He really believed things were getting better between us. I was compliant and agreeable. I really just accepted that he wasn't going to change. I got a plan together and got out of Dodge. He was blindsided. 🤯 It was awesome watching him squirm for once. He no longer had control once I left and was scrambling to find a way to get me back. I had done so much research and finally understood his mind games that I was immune to his manipulation.i had already mourned the death of the relationship for so long before I left that I was DONE. I accepted that he was a liar. Anything he promised was a LIE. Even when trying to get me back he could not own up to ANYTHING. He just kept repeating "please come back" , but was not willing to acknowledge the millions of reasons I left to begin with. It just confirmed that I had made the right decision.
This is a heartbreaking decision for me. It is in my family. It has affected all of us. I am torn between stepping out, and the love I feel for them. I know what I need to do but it feels so adverse at the same time.
@@dbirdeycapozzi9807 Same here. Think about the possibility that, by setting firm boundaries that keep you safe and allow you to flourish, you are also setting an example for how others in the family can do the same. You don't have to hate the narcs or wish them ill, but you do have a responsibility to yourself, and you can be a powerful model of how to live in a dignified, respectful, compassionate way for other family members.
When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
I’m coherent I don’t need a damn journal 📓 I know when someone is gaslighting cuz I was fortunate enough to discover this material early on and I saw that old ass crusty movie and self confident enough to know myself VS BULLSHIT.
"They know what upsets you....Narcissists learn and recognize the vulnerabilities of other people and exploit them instead of protect them." I felt that deeply. I always felt like I was being analyzed instead of talking to a friend. Now it makes sense why.
Yes!!! Took me a long time to understand why I always felt different about "heart to heart" talks we would have. Instead of feeling better like a person should I always felt uneasy and strange - now I know it's because they were simply cataloguing info to use later. Sick..
Imagine that I never let my guard down with my ex narc but he still managed to provoke me into oblivion and hurt me in many ways. Goes to show just how monstrous they are. Never let people know your weaknesses! Know your worth people, then add TAX! Maintain your boundaries and stay discerning. Love y’all. ❤️
@GetYaMindRight ! lol this guy was telling me I only have 5 questions to ask him and that's it. Meanwhile he wanted to know everything including how much rent I pay per week and how much my brother pays like wtf meanwhile the whole time he lived down the road from my house and told me he lived 10 minutes away.
My favorite is when they bait, you comment, they get offended and dismissive, and the word salad happens, the conversation rapidly devolves, and you’re left reeling for days reflecting on how it went. This is every conversation with my family member.
I met a guy who I had a brief stint with..was an absolute covert/malignant narc who would bait and stonewall right after by blocking me on social media when I tried talking to him..was so extremely painful to enrage me, then block me so I couldnt respond..I’ve never met someone this sick before
"Rules for thee but not for me." They switch focus, topic, and discard any coherence that doesn't suit them in the moment. If you employ the same methods it will become a cussing and shouting match, and this suits them just fine; they get an 'even score' while being in the wrong. Moreover, they will use that instance as perpetual ammunition whenever they get called out in the future.
My sister cursed me for accidentally exposing her lies, then turned around and told everybody I cursed her. I was so confused and heartbroken until one day the light bulb went on. Now I see why. lol
Baiting is actually a two-fold "win" for the narcissist. Not only do they have power and control over your emotions but they also control the way other people view you.
He’s tried that with our friends, thankfully he can’t fool most of them and they know what he’s doing and tell him I’m right. That doesn’t Mae hin happy, but that’s not my problem.
Irene Russak you do realise that the behaviour of a narcissist is the topic, not a public demonstration? Most narcissists are so concerned with how they appear, they forget that others can see right through the mask. No screaming necessary.
@@michelekett8450 I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your comment. I was referring to the gaslighting, where they say awful things to you until you get upset and then tell you are crazy. Sometimes it happens in a public setting and other people don't know, what the narcissist said or did and since he is calm and you are upset, it will also seem to others, that you are crazy.
Sorry to hear, same situation on my side, never felt so adult but the guilt and feeling of opening my eyes for the first time on my family is still difficult to control from sometime. How do you deal with it?
It's probably the best decision you made for your mental health and overall well-being. I did the same many years ago. I refuse to have any unnecessary drama in my life.
I cut contact with my malignant narcissist mother 8 years ago. I re-established contact some years later and have only this week totally cut contact again. She repeated the same unforgivable comments used last time. I feel free as a bird. She can go to hell. Our lives have been absolute chaos because of her and I actually do feel hate for the woman.
My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don't you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
Excellent advice. Thank you. Staying positive is the only thing you can do really. The hard part for people is that it's very difficult to remain strong at times and you need reassurance from the positive people in your life to help you.
I am so grateful to a friend who suggested he was a narcissist after we had separated. I did some research, and at first I thought, no, he ticks a lot of the boxes, but I don’t think he would classify as having full blown NPD. I now realize his symptoms didn’t show because for most of our marriage our goals aligned, and I rarely asserted myself. The one or two times I tried it went badly for me. He never respected any of my boundaries. It was only after we separated (he had been in the discard phase for a while), and I felt such tremendous relief that I realized how emotionally abusive he had been to me. Now that I know what he is, I have been able to do research and equip myself with the tools and strategies to deal with him more effectively. Knowledge is power. I don’t know where I would be right now if it hadn’t been for that friend who suggested NPD. I feel so badly for all of those people out there who are going through this and never realize the other person is a narcissist.
Myrna I’m glad you got out. I basically advise my friends not to tolerate any form of abusive behaviour. An actual diagnosis isn’t required. Toxic is toxic. Abuse is abuse. Know your self worth. Nobody deserves that.
@@mailman248 it's a damn shame too...that ANY of us have to go through something like that to learn about THAT! BUT, I guess it's better to learn it IF indeed it exists at all, than to keep putting up with it in our future relationships. 👍🤙 Thanks Rodney for your response. Rick
Years ago, my therapist taught me not all questions deserve answers. She suggested a response of “Why do you ask?” It took me a while to remember...and to implement. It’s been pure gold and I highly recommend for those trying to go “Grey Rock”.
The best day was when I realized he thrived on conflict, a steady stream of conflict no matter who or what. One crisis rolled into another. Nothing was ever resolved. He was enraged the day I finally turned around and walked away. He followed me to the barn and did everything he could to engage me. He finally left. How I wish I found these videos 15 years ago - but better late then never . The good thing about seeking refuge in the barn is I have friends there! 👍🏻🤗
I was 48 y/o before I learned about NPD. This needs to be explained in high school, it would save many people a lot of grief. Dr Ramani has over one million subscribers so narcissism must be quite mainstream
That would be nice, but can you imagine the parental response? There would be torches and pitchforks - "You can't teach my child that!!" (because maybe I'm a narc parent).
Indeed. I am now in my 60's and been a magnet for them all my life. I'm just now learning why that is. It appears that I need to change my personality and/or become a hermit.
Let's be honest, we are so used to downplaying their actions that we doubt they are narcissist untill their actions are given as examples here by Dr. Ramani.
I think it's accurate to say that narcs get away with a LOT unless/until we, their victims, learn about their disorder, toolkit, tricks, techniques, and learn to fight against them (or cut them out of our lives).
EXACTLY!!! I downplayed EVERYTHING!!! I knew better, but, my self-doubt and low self-esteem plagued me from pegging it for what it ACTUALLY IS: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE 💯%
My mother told me I was crazy and I needed to see a psychologist so we both saw one together. After reading our email communications and during a one on one meeting with the psychologist she told me my mother is a narcissist, sociopath and she was amazed at how mentally balanced I was considering who I was raised by. It all made sense that day and soon after I took a five year break from my Mother for my own mental health and to learn what I was dealing with and what I went through. She basically destroyed my childhood and youth
Hello partida.. I am going through a similar situation.. after a horrible childhood I have recently noticed who did it to me . You know the sad thing about having a narc parent you will familiarize with such people and will have friendships/relationship with such people only.. the 1st step in our healing process is identify the root of our problem.. in my case it was my mother.. I tried so much to change her.. I tried so much to get along with her. But no she did not change and will never.. now in my laye 20s I refuse any sort of abuse.. I avoid such people.. I avoid her voices in my head..
@@di3393 Thanks for sharing diki! Your so right and I am struggling with that in my relationships to this day. It’s a lifelong struggle but educating ourselves helps and I’m becoming a sort of personality expert for my own defense and I now recognize and spot things others don’t. So just keep learning and empowering yourself and don’t give up♥️
omg i was friends with someone like this he would get really weird & I'd stay away, but then he'd call & be nice. then he did the worst to me almost lost my house from it, he died before I could confront him. know that I see all this guess I lucked out
Well, I have been in this relationship 33 years. I used to be strong and it just didn't matter and I could just keep going. Now, I am disabled and have no power in my world and NOW I AM IN REAL TROUBLE. Before I was the breadwinner and my continuing to "make things work" was what was always "making things work", now I can no longer "make things work"! UGH! I only just hit the "record your conversations phase". We have even gotten to the point where my spouse admits the bad behavior in some incidents and has labeled this character "The ANgry One" we even came up with a safe word. Even with this in place, when the triggering event happens, I am still the bad guy. Now I can be kicked out to be homeless. I guess I should have worked on this 20 years ago. Oh Well!
Perfect example of baiting: I have very tightly curled hair that I let grow in after years of straightening it. I found a brush that really glides through the curls and showed it casually to a narcissist. Their response-"Wow, that reminds me of those brushes they use for dogs." My response-"I don't know about dogs but it works wonderfully on my curly hair. I'm so glad I found it!" I literally saw his whole countenance fall and a very disturbed look on his face immediately after my not taking the bait and him not getting his supply.
@@phoenixspirit9530 Thank you so much for your kind response! So happy that I am finally seeing the beauty in my God-given hair, nice to know you do as well. ☺️
My little brother does this, too. The eyebrow raise, the immediate shift from satisfaction, to disgust and even anger. Then, the wild flailing or exaggerated movements, while they attempt another angle to get supply... OR... They will back off, but spend the whole time staring at you in contempt and trying to gauge the level of fear or reaction to their stares, to see if they still have any affect on you with their presence. I've literally ignored him, to the point where he gets mad that he isn't the center of attention and will derail/interrupt a conversation to talk about himself or something he wants to, again. If I leave, then of course, it'll be "oh, you don't listen to *anyone* and just wanna talk about yourself!" I don't deal with his ass, fuck that.
I cannot believe others have experienced the 'smirk'. I had no idea this is such a common experience, it's a look that I still have so strongly etched in my memory. Him smirking and taking pleasure out of something he intentionally said to make me feel uncomfortable. Luckily, I see who he is now and I left. I am so much healthier and happier.
I've had one that smirked another whose rage only stopped when I'd been completely torn down another who looked at me with contempt n did passive aggressive til I pleaded... sickening. Leaves you like nuts!! Then they call u nuts n mentally ill!!!! I'm surprised I'm not in a mental home! 🙋
I’ve seen them do it when they talk about something they’d had their dirty fingers in to cause trouble for others. My sister talked about her neighbor being evicted and she was smiling and smirking the whole time she was talking about it. She had been complaining on him for very minor things for several weeks. I asked her if she caused him to be evicted and she told me no. She was way to smug & satisfied to have not done it.
Yes, I had a nightmare of an ex "friend" (she finally pushed me over the edge with her nasty behaviour and ridiculous gaslighting, and I cut her out of my life finally). When confronted she would say "You're not well" and "You need to see a doctor". It was infuriating.
Also she would deliberately provoke to such an extent I would finally get really angry and upset, and she would whip out her phone and start filming me 😔
@@tiffanyhaynes6083 yess....or tell you that YOU are "distorting reality" or, "You are changing events in your head again" or, "you have issues with remembering events" 🙃🥴
I lived with this for 25 years and just thought I was crazy. I never knew there was anyone else in the world that was going through what I was going through.
That's exactly what they want you to think. That's how they continue the abuse.....they make you think that YOU are the source of all the problems ......and that you are THE problem.....and that your experience is unique. It isn't unique That's the good and bad news.. Look up an author named Lundy Bancroft. His work gave me the validation I had so desperately needed for years.....I knew then that it wasn't all in my head and my experience of mistreatment was real......I just didn't have words or the vocabulary to express what I was going through. . When I saw how my ex-husband infuriated our marriage counselor, I really saw that it wasn't me.....it was the narc.
I have gone through this for 29 years too! I finally found out that he was narcisstic (I didn't know what that was until 10 months ago) I literally had to take anxiety pills because I didn't know what was going on with my like. BTW, he called my medicine my "crazy pills" . I have finally left him!!
It took me so long because I had 5 children with him. They have all turned against me because they think I'm sinning. He hasn't had an affair or actually hit me!
She got me so worked up once I had a meltdown. I don't even recall what it was over, I just remember repeating the words 'I don't know' over and over and crying. Instead of holding, reassuring, maybe even recognising I was being traumatised, she pulled out her phone to film me, and then threatened to show my family that I was crazy. I endured 16 years of that until I discovered this channel, and still took me another year to finally break the cycle, and leaving her for good. 6 months on now, and we're back to the hoovering/ love bombing stage. I'm stronger now. Still challenging at times, but I know I can't and won't be going back this time. You can do it !!
Hearing your story I’m having bad flashbacks. I remember that final day having a meltdown too where I sat and cried and I do remember repeating that I don’t even feel safe in my own home anymore over and over again. She tried to film me to to say I was the crazy one. This was after she threaten my life. It shows you how dangerous these people can be. I’m so much happier now that I’m on my own. I can’t believe how depressed I had become from her constant negativity and gaslighting. She was the master of lies and manipulation and I saw through all that and that’s why I became the bad guy to her. So she used our friends and family as enabler‘s to play the victim role. So sad, these kind of people need a lot of help.
@@Freedom-Fighter1 sorry to hear you had to go thru all that. Hope you're fully outbid the woods now. We've been done for nearly 8 months and her manic pursuit between lovebombing and abuse are relentless.
There's also passive aggressive baiting as well. It's one thing when they say something overtly cruel, it's another when it is covert and hard to call out, even to yourself
ll S N A R L ll yes THING it’s goal is to de-humanize YOU, so if you continue to consider it a human you will continue to show it empathy And it will continue to torment you, but once you see it for wat it is you will began to interact with it like a creature or machine allowing you to preserve wats left of you.
Yeah like one I’ve noticed he does is so simple and usually something someone says in care but whatever I answer to this question will be twisted later or used to belittle me. The question he asks is “are you ok?”
Mannnnn!!! Threats blow my wig back!!! I was like!!! You threaten me!!! She turn it around like you hearing things and said: I want you to stay here with me. I am so glad I’m out of that chaos 🙏🏾
@@RachyNoodleNest I'm going through this right now. I've left my husband 3x due to his drinking and it seems like I always go back out of guilt. He always says karma will get me, wishes me sick, or my loved ones. Even wishes death, almost daily. Is it normal that these people start as soon as their eyes open and keep on til they sleep? I'm not exaggerating when I say, that soon as he wakes up, the verbal abuse starts. "I'm ugly, disgusting, no one cares about me, my family uses me so I must forget about them, and give him power of attorney." I honestly don't even know where he got the idea that my family uses me for anything. I have a great family and we're very close, and will always be. It's like he creates drama in his head, repeats it all day long and nags me NON STOP, hoping that eventually I'll believe him. I really believe he wants me to THINK I'm going crazy. January of 2020, I was in the hospital and gave birth to a still born daughter. It was devastating, and still to this day I feel like I haven't been able to grieve. I was in the hospital on his bday, and he was so pissed that I didn't throw him a party, and that " I ruined his 50th B-day," It's been the topic of all discussions since then, and what a selfish, terrible person I was for ruining an event such as him being HALF A CENTURY OLD. He has not once mentioned the death of our baby, it's about his bday. I left, and we live in separate states, but he is even more determined now and insists that I plan and pay for a party. He wants it catered, full bar. When he use to offer to take me to dinner, but would disappear or suddenly need to take a call when the bill came. I paid for every meal, and it was never less than $100, 5 nights a week. Sometimes, I wouldn't eat because I know it would just be more money wasted. My savings is gone! I want a divorce, but if I do that, "God will make sure I die a horrible death, and I'm just a fat whore." Now, he wants "my entire small Texas town to see what a terrible and selfish person I am." 😬All day, everyday. His favorite quote, " I'll never stop! I always get the last laugh." He's creepy af. How? How did I ever find this person to be attractive, much less marriage material? Most importantly, WTF is wrong with ME to keep going back?? It's never gonna get better!
My mother is a TEXTBOOK case of narcissism. I didn't have a word to describe her until now. Any time you talk about narcissism, i have a story of her behaving that way somewhere in my traumatic memory. I forgave her horrible behavior every single time. The last straw that broke the camel's back is when she tried to ruin my wedding 2 days before my wedding. Canceled 60 guests by lying to them. Tried to cancel the vendors and the priest. Thankfully I spoke to all the vendors since I was paying them and clarified that they are still hired. But that was it. Ruining my wedding that i planned for 2 years was the final assault. Never looked at her again.
Extremely true! Social media is the biggest one! Depending what you’re dealing with. I’ve heard many sleep around with all your friends/colleagues/workers and family members of any sex
Exactly, yes Kathy. Good point. I have been unexpectedly at the other end of flying monkeys long after no contact. It's awful when it happens, but I know the game they play now. Covert narcs are the worst.
I can not imagine who I would have become without all the narcissists in my life, starting with the first day. Now I am 60 years old. Sometimes I think I will habe to spend the rest of my life alone, grieving and crying. Its so hard to learn normal relationship, I feel deeply insecure.
When they do get a rise out of you, they will then show that disgusting narc smirk that stretched across their face, and then they will play the victim and pretend that they were hurt by your 'rage'
I use to retreat to a room and say I’m not interested in your argument. Then she started calling me a narcissist know I’m searching RUclips trying to figure out if I am
I just tried these strategies with my abusive ex wife, and she did all the responses- baiting, gas lighting, avoiding the issue, etc. I’ve never felt so clean after dealing with her, usually I feel like spending the day crying. Thank you so much, you’ve literally changed my life
I feel your pain, everything is my fault, ive never met anyone who could turn things around to blame others like this dude. Now I can't get rid of him, ive asked him nicely to go, tried locking him out and everything. He's been suckijg my bank account dry for 14 years while he started working finally and just spends it on himself and I'm left struggling paying the bills and have nothing left for things I need. Dating a narcissist has made me doubt I'll ever find someone who will treat me at the very least as an equal and share the cost of living rather than using me for everything you can. Glad you made it out and she's now an ex, wish I could find a way to do the same!
@@juliasmueller69 it all starts with that scary plunge of separating yourself- I know how hard it is to trust after, but don’t let them destroy that good part of you that can trust and love openly. There are so many people out there that deserve it, and you’ll meet them!
I've finally realized who really has the power in any form of relationship with a narcissist.....WE DO ! Once we educate ourselves and learn how fragile their ego is, how low their self esteem is, how immature they are ...we can no longer choose to feed them what they need. For me, that's when I was discarded and replaced and it is a blessing in disguise. They don't change. It's who they are for life ! Small, frightened little beings.
That is IF and when they discard you... However, some are unrelenting and cannot be ignored. Especially, if they are colleagues or if you have kids with them. These endless attempts at necessary interactions are exhausting and do make you feel powerless...
A shrewd person is practical and clever, sound in judgment and sharp in perception, judicious and prudent, discerning and wise. He is neither devious nor manipulative. “Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge,” states Proverbs 13:16. Yes, shrewdness, or prudence, is a desirable trait when dealing with abusive people.
@@lioydwilliams1850 thanks for reading my comment. Dr Ramani and others on RUclips as well as friends who have been in similar relationships to mine have helped me to finally face the fact that yes, I have been living with a narc for forty years. Just knowing is somewhat liberating. And having an internet family of fellow survivors is also encouraging and soul-satisfying. Thanks again for your reply.
"Im sorry you feel that way" was one of the best phrases that helped me get through my own experience with a family member like this and "grey rock". They are psychic vampires and they essentially just want your energy.
_"The opposite of empathy"_ Yes, thank you! That is so important. Narcissists are always described as 'lacking empathy', but that fails to fully explain their motivations. 'They want power'; well, yes, but there are better ways to get power, ways that are more profitable and durable. But having an emotional need to be cruel -- then it all make sense. They don't just want power, they specifically want the power to _hurt_ you. Simply controlling you for their own security is _not_ enough. Characterizing this in terms of 'lacking empathy' neutralizes what, in reality, fits our common definition of _evil._ I suppose we phrase it that way because we are uncomfortable with the blunt truth. In doing so, we are enabling narcissism. We should call it what it is -- evil -- to keep this firmly in mind. The only question is the _extent_ to which the evil behavior will go.
Mine too. Because they aren't there. Its just demons running everything because there is a coward in there. A broken child I will continue to pray for. And run from in equal measures. When I listened to the descriptions the first time I almost threw up. It's shocking to be woken up. I am grateful for it. I have this memory of feeling happy and being cheerful and people telling me I am cheery. But it's a memory. God gave us hope and I hope tomorrow is the day I feel it again. As today was the day I cried and packed his things and my stepdaughters things after 10 years. I told him how he was acting every day for a month. He then ignored me for a month except to swear and name call me. And I got 1 phone call from him saying he is coming to get his $%it and hang up. He hasn't even read the message I sent him. I'm obliging him now. And I thank God for removing the oppression I was smothered in. God bless us all and my poor neglected stepdaughters in Jesus name Amen.
@@sandrapisarski6597 Understood, but I really believe that many people have these traits of narcissists because of our self absorbed ungodly society. They are not changing their ways. The people are following after powerful truly narcissistic people and so you can expect them to pick up the traits, even if they aren't pathological. I don't believe my person I'm dealing with is pathological but she is like a covert narcissist. She baits, stonewalls, and gaslights me but I really hope she's just immature.
i always get “you will never survive without me” and “you’re nothing without me” from the narcissist in my life. they love having this fantasy of people being lost and helpless without them.
Hey Noura, tell em they live in a fantasy world and that you can’t wait to get rid of them....or tell em you’d rather not survive than being with them....or tell em they are delusional dicks for even thinking that...or even better, tell em to f-ck off....
At last my muddled mind is making sense out of all of what has been going on for the past 50 years. Thank you so much Doctor Ramani, for giving me this knowledge & insight. Now it is time for me to somehow rebuild myself, and move on from all this. At age 74 with no health issues maybe I have a few years left to enjoy total happiness.
My youngest sister’s behaviours and comments were odd and I consistently felt like I was being provoked/baited for no apparent reason. There was constant smirking and she started calling herself the number 1 daughter. Really odd. Once I started researching her behaviours, I found Dr Ramani’s videos which are a godsend. Educating yourself is liberating.
I just turned 55, and feeling as though I learned so much too late. Also I at least did and still having to learn more as the ex that had me searching, and finding, apparently...? Wasn't enough for me to have avoided, again the experience, coming through this insanity, yes, again. Thank you for your post. When will I finally learn? I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't help me (to feel better that others are later in life are learning this, as well) but it does give me a sense of camaraderie.
Dear God so true. My mother did this the other day. I just learned about grey rock.. so I wasn't giving her the response she was looking for. Then she started the baiting, she started making passive aggressive statements about me my husband and I just kept you know ignoring it. So she just kept it up all day because she lives with me I take care of her. I finally just snapped and started yelling and I can still see her face the moment I started getting upset.. it was like I gotcha. She got so calm, kinda smiled and called me crazy. Done this to me my whole life.
I became a dolphin and I'm not a jerk. Me and my dolphin friends are always smiling and we have lots of fun. It you get the chance, become a dolphin, I did and I haven't looked back.
Listen for the condescending words, folks. Narcissists LOVE to make you feel so small as if you are some whining little child they have to correct or, God forbid, placate just to shut you up.
Me too the examples are so accurate. They act like 3 year olds in grown adults bodies. I am currently separated from my ex and this is helping to remind me what I hated about our relationship.
When you say “they go after what makes you anxious” as a sa survivor my ex told me he got r*ped to get me to react after we’d gone no contact. It was horrendous. You are right - NOTHING is sacred to them. They just want you emotionally hooked and they use ANYTHING. It was like something from a horror movie realizing this.
Literally NOTHING is sacred to them. I remember during an argument, his eyes turned black and he told me I deserved all the abuse I had gotten from my ex. It was my fault and it happened bc I talk too much and he probably couldn’t stand me. Among other things… in that moment I realized that he wasn’t a normal person. It wasn’t me being “difficult” “argumentative” or any of the other things he told me I was. No normal person says that. They keep pushing until they see the hurt in your eyes. Then they just smirk. It’s like a demon is looking back at you.
A flying monkey 🐒 of an ex narc used to keep tab on me. He told me the narc was in hospital coz of severe fever. I told him the narc could go and die 😂. The monkey 🐒 stopped talking about that.
My ex pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have a miss carriage to suck me back in....yeah they can go that low. I can't wait to see if my wife is going to go lower...she did try to have me arrested 5 times in 2 months for fake domestic charges....
holly! you have some major wife issues. I would have at least installed multiple cameras inside out if not moving out before she makes one of those charges stick. @@Ballpython77
In the year before I left, I was still struggling to "fix" the relationship, and would try very calmly to discuss our issues, being as rational and understanding as I could be--but he would twist and invalidate my words, shift blame onto me, deny anything he didn't like, gaslight me, and poke and poke--and I'd struggle to stay calm, but little by little I'd get terribly frustrated, until I'd finally be in helpless tears. At which point he'd declare "you're too upset, I can't talk to you like this" and walk out. I had no idea that was actually his objective until I saw this video.
I hear ya, she told me let's have a discussion or talk if someone feels offended or hurt right? so I'd be honest; say things like "okay, what you said kind of hurt my feelings" or I feel this or that way, I'd try to be civil and have a discussion she'd flip and say its all over, it wont work! its the end! I'm like were just having a discussion here? why are you catastrophic? and the day before I had to walk away, I said "I am sorry it didn't work out".. her response was a personal attack on my character, is that really your final words? insulting me? glad I left
Completely relate. I knew something was wrong when trying to have legitimate healthy and balanced communication constantly left me feeling confused and like others have pointed out like I was "going crazy" it is their game. They cannot do healthy communication. And they make it everyone else's problem and abuse in response to that. They punish you for healthy communication. There is no conclusion, ever. And they'll blame you for not having reached said conclusion. Crazy making is the word and its definitely true.
OMG! I could never put a finger on what MY problem was after years of on and off therapy. Now I know I came from a narcissistic family. Dr. R. is helping me make breakthroughs with her informative videos. I am depressed and highly upset realizing what a toxic family I grew up in; never being able to shine or reach my potential, being berated, picking partners that continued the family legacy...no more. I have the right to heal, to be a fully realized human being, and be happy without someone trying to kill my joy. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart.
I hope you're doing ok now. I just realized I've been sabotaged by the people I thought loved me as well but I am determined to start doing the things I want. I'll be starting with studying and giving my energy to people that actually love me.
Hang in there Pumpkin. There are good and kind people out there that don't have to struggle with everyone so much. You deserve love and you deserve peace.
I had the same situation. It's like you can't put your finger on it, but never allowed to shine and punished if it wasn't done their way. Not necessarily the right way but their way only - without rhyme or reason.
Narcissists like a reaction. So your advice about not giving one is great. Never doubt your worth....they will try everything to break you down and doubt your value. Don't let them! Stay strong!
It works. Did this a few weeks ago and he went berserk. Said he had a bad feeling like if I was manipulating him. It was classic. Cut him off the same night after he straight out told me to "shut the f*ck up". That was the last straw.
Right ?! This makes me so angry. My therapist wants me to "figure it out on my own" and I suffer so much unnecessary stuff because they refuse to tell me beforehand !
Every therapist I've ever been to in the past has been a complete and utter waste of time and a copay. Nobody wants to help you they just want to collect the money and keep you coming back time and time again while you sit there and talk the entire session with out them offering any concrete advice
I just stopped seeing a therapist, the longer it went on the more it was obvious she has lots of narcissistic traits. I feel disappointed with myself for falling into the same narc trap again! I wasn't expecting a therapist to be that way.
"Once they've stepped away, once they've disappeared, the moment you're alone, cry and yell it out. Just don't let them see it. Don't give them that satisfaction." What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you'll ever have. And it's ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn't matter how old you are. You can do it!
Well said and well done. I do that, and then when I'm in my own space I call all my friends up and talk it through with them, since they are all healthy people who can discuss stuff without wigging out. LOL.
I drew a line, when he tries to pick a fight, now. I just tell him, I refuse to argue, if you continue, I will leave. I have no close friends here, as I moved from my hometown to be with him. I get in my own car and just leave for a few hrs. I get something to eat or walk around in the park. I was being baited all the time. He made a comment to me and it shook Me. He said “I wish I could have known you earlier so I could train you”. I am not a dog or a monkey. Thank you!! He says I am crazy, I may be, but not on this subject. He gets mad, throws things, cusses and tells me, I caused it and accused me of lying and drinking behind his back. He finds my journal, not anymore, he takes pictures, recorded when I lost it and denies getting on my phone to try to get ammunition to start a fight and then wants sex after he has made me feel so useless. No more, will he control the real me.
letting roll everything of your back.... thats exactly what they do. Its not a shield like some people have. No this is different. Its far from a shield. And as i write about it... they dont let it roll of their back.,. no... they absorb it. Because its supply. Any attention in any kind of form is supply to them. Which gets absorbed into blackness. Which is what u feel. They replace u with that blackness while they feed it with your soul.
When I start feeling confused in any relationship I immediately get that little vibe that something is wrong with this situation and I really observe the actions of the person I'm dealing with.
Rick: they are toxic sick twisted dark people. Like the devil in disguise (in public) as an angel, then just acts like the devil at home or in the car when no one is around including texts. Very poor prognosis that they will ever change - usually they are beyond help.
This video is so accurate that it triggers my PTSD and makes me feel nauseous. Thank you for the insight. Now I know what I've observed is not just my imagination running wild but legitimately problems that need strict boundaries.
I find that these videos make my blood pressure go up a little bit because of the memories. But they are also very cathartic in the education that it gives and helps me to understand what I went through for so many years.
@@Freedom-Fighter1 : The same with me. Every time I decide to watch some of these channels I get overwhelmed by memories and run the other way. I end up sticking my head in the sand, yet again. How are you getting beyond this reaction? Maybe at my age it's just not worth delving back into the pain. After all....my narcissist is FINALLY dead.
I have several ptsd also and live with a narcissistic sadist of a grandmother. I understand your pain. Hang in there and listen to Dr. Romani! She really knows her stuff!
i find these videos triggering but also very comforting. they offer me some light in the wake of a dark dark past. Thank you all for letting me know i am not alone . Much love
Gaslighting from my narc when I get upset: "I sense that you have a deep seeded root of bitterness based on imaginary offences" ~ that's crazy-making right there!
They know your weak spots sonvif you don't know about gaslighting it can make you seriously insane My Narc sister sent me a message last week that could have wiped the floor with my mind It was TEXTBOOK gaslighting So I just cut contact - I'm sad but so glad I don't have all that mind fuck and unkindness to deal with any more If I don't see her again it will be too soon
I went through it constantly with my ex. After 14 years I’d had enough and divorced. My house was so peaceful after that. It was almost eerily quiet with nobody picking fights constantly.
Getting ready to go through the process myself. She has changed. She is not yelling, cursing, at the dogs and other issues. She knows it's coming so she is trying to be "good".
Sometimes narcissist insinuate themselves in your lifes when a tragedy happens. You're grateful at first they were there for you but you soon see it was a ploy.
This is so true. The word insinuate is spot on. They love to manoeuvre themselves centre stage when all those heightened emotions are flowing for them to feed off of... Sick bastards. I maintain that the whole Dracula franchise came about as a story analogy of Narcs.
I used to have a “friendship” that ended in constant baiting. I didn’t know what NPD was at the time, I just knew that I was sick of the constant confusion due to her ever changing behavior and mind games. I eventually just started ignoring her and even doing exactly what she would do to me which was just stare at her blankly instead of responding. Eventually she started to outright criticize me without me even having to say a word to her. It was disturbing because sometimes I didn’t know who she was talking to with such unprovoked anger and nastiness. I didn’t know what evil looked like until I started to ignore my narc.
I'm learning how to do this too. I've had way too many "friends" who monopolize "discussions". When it's my turn to talk, they either switch the subject back to themselves or stare blankly. I'm doing it back at them (gray rocking) now over and over and finding these "friendships" are dissolving on their own. I'm tired of giving my loving energy to as**oles.
@@tansyvee1159 She probably wants your attention because you were probably a great listener. Nope. Dont do it! Give your loving attention only to those who know how to reciprocate and give back the goodness you give them. It's hard. I know because our instinct is to be kind and compassionate BUT these people suck us dry!
When I quit reacting to the narc (went robot) it was really because I was just beaten down. The only genuine emotion I was capable of feeling after so many years was anger, and there was no way I was giving him the satisfaction of showing my rage. Once he could no longer get a rise out of me, his drinking really amped up and he was dead in 3 years. They truly are the most toxic individuals in the world.
OMG! My mother used to do that to me! She would get me so upset, then say "what's wrong with you" or "you are mentally sick", when I would still be sullen or upset the next day because of her abuse the day before, and she has snapped back to being "normal"
After 40 years I noticed that I finally won over my mother when in a fight I stayed calm but mentally sharp and I insisted on logically pointing out the completely invented and wrong aspects that she mentioned against me. Similar to some police/court interrogation. I stuck to it forcing her to tell me exactly how/what/why and after a few minutes I had her in the trap. For the first time ever she lost the battle and got scared of me. She - the aggressive monster that everybody fears - was defeated and didn't have the guts to talk to me for days. It didn't stay forever, but it was a very good feeling.
Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
Chris Billings: my ex- fiancé did exactly the same thing to me! He tried speeding, swerving, slamming on the brakes to get a reaction. By then I had learned to ignore his attempts to get a reaction. What a sick puppy.
@@jacquelinefroehle3583 For sure....ANY form of feedback, or comment that implies that the "Oh so Perfect" Narc is anything less than that is viewed as an all out attack....and swift and extreme punishment is sure to follow. SO EXAUSTING!
This is spot on! My narcissistic sister (with my mother watching on) would regularly bait me by attacking the character of my 6 year old daughter. My mama bear instincts were triggered and once, I exploded in rage while they both sat back with very satisfied smirks as I “ruined” another family event. I did not know at the time this was all too common behavior of narcissists and that they were playing me like a fiddle. I do now, and they are out of my life (and my kids’ lives). Thank you Dr. Ramani - I am grateful for you sharing your wealth of knowledge.
Nichole I stopped speaking to my younger sister after I caught her getting high while she was suppose to be watching my kids. Her own three children were also there including her six month old baby. She made up a story about my eight year old starting a rumor at the school all the kids went to and my mother believed her. My mother blamed my daughter and believed all the lies this sister told her, every six months or so she’d come up with some new thing I or my family had done to her. We moved eighty miles away to get away from her but I could never get away from my mothers constant haranguing on the subject. I should have walked away but I’m from a big Catholic family and didn’t know that was a possibility. Good luck to you and enjoy your daughter!
I protected my sister my whole life as well we went through extensive abuse , She was always off, competitive slight jabs ,talking behind my back , defensive, argumentative, blame shifting but when I though what the heck ! And I researched the actions I got the answer! I had to grieve her for a long time until I could finally accept this behavior! And I’m free no stress and loving my life!
Omg.... he did this to me all the time. You know the narcissist perfectly. Knowledge is power, so thank you Dr. Ramani. Unfortunately when I went to marriage counseling he charmed the therapist and they ganged up on me. I think our therapist was clueless. I don’t understand how any therapist can be unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse.
Each time I - in his eyes - ''dragged him to therapy to fix MY problems'', he came back from his individual sessions with the therapist claiming that the therapist had agreed in confidence that our marriage problems stemmed from 'my issues'. He always succeeded in sabotaging therapy leaving me distrustful of the therapist, ultimately doubting their impartiality and stopping the sessions. I would then however be challenged and go into questioning myself on whether I stopped because I was simply in denial of that being the actual truth. It is such a twisted existence to be in. The mind games are truly crazy making!!
My mother was a covert narcissist. I ,at this late stage of life have only just realised this. There wasn't really a term for it back in those days. She would do emotionally very cruel things to me.I always thought she didn't do things deliberately. On her deathbed I thought we could reconcile somethings and I brought something up in a gentle way ,saying that I loved her and held no grudges. She turned and looked at me with this cold sadistic smirk that shocked and sent me reeling emotionally. I knew then, she knew and had always known what she was doing.
Dear Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how important it is to hear that having a reaction to "baiting" is a natural and normal response. This is indeed where the narcissist is at their demonic height; they make you feel crazy for being normal, while they are not! God bless you for the impact you are making and the lives you are changing with these videos!
I realized something was wrong with my mother when I came to the understanding that I literally don’t get in heated arguments with anyone but her. The few times I get into a disagreement I prefer to approach it from a very cool and collected manner. But with her I just start crying and yelling after I cannot handle the baiting anymore she’s done for several hours. And generally it’s literally just me wanting her to leave me alone, stop insulting me, and go away and she just won’t no matter what. I’ve gotten better at walking away but yeah still working on it.
It's like you are describing my mother. By the way, she HATES that I am financially independent - for her it means only that I can just cut contact at any moment if she starts some shit.
“A man came shouting angrily at Buddha, who remained unaffected by him. When questioned by others as to how he remained calm and unaffected, Buddha answered with a question. “If someone gives you a gift and you choose not to receive it, to whom then does the gift belong?”
@@tyrellwilson9334 We can't change people -don't assume they will- , but we can choose how much BS we're willing to tolerate. Don't give your power to the narcissist and his enablers, don't allow yourself to tolerate that much of BS. Our role is to value our energy & learn to apply agency and boundaries. Focus on you not them.
I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was. Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
Same here. I got so sick of that smug look on narc mother's face; what she didn't realize is that I knew exactly what she was, what she was doing, and that i had lost all love for her, all respect for her ... and couldn't care less what happened to her. It came back to haunt her...
Years ago in my kitchen I was in an argument with a narc and she was saying horrible things about me, yelling and crying at the same time. And she turned toward the stove, and I saw her reflection in the microwave -- she was smiling to herself. It was the smug smile of someone saying to herself "I got him. He's completely fooled and totally under my control." She can cry-on-command. Like an Academy-award-winning actress!
I know what you talk about. I also remember that I was looking at my narc parent and I was thinking I feel nothing towards you. And then I got manipulated by her and also got into wishful thinking - I can heal and get great relationship with my parents. Nope, I don't crave that anymore.. Just like that I have lost all taste for suffering 😅 I hardly feel anything towards all the narcs I gave had in my life.
I remember that look on her face as she reacted to my moment of elucidation. I was a child and it never got better. At least Dr. R. puts it so eloquently.
You are not alone. Your story resonates with my experience as a teenager. Same exact response as well. That was about 45 years ago and still feels traumatic when I think about it. It takes a long time to undo the damage that a narcissist person can do to you over time. We are better prepared with the great knowledge, support, and connections that Dr. Ramani and others are providing now. Wishing you inner peace.
even after divorce, i still find myself in this horrible pattern of being desensitized to the things he did. It happened so often for so many years it's like I became desensitized to abnormal behavior. It's only when I happen to tell people something that happened and their jaws drop does it refresh my brain.
32 years for me ! We're like sisters in divorce ! Mine's been done for a year and a half and I have to say that I've never been at such peace in my life. Drama-free. It's good. I hope you get there ! hugs.@@elizabethy2912
When love bombing doesn't work they become vicious. When being viscous doesn't work they cry and beg. When that doesn't work they finally give up but it takes a very long time. True time line of a real event.
If that doesn't work, they may give up for awhile... But then they come back and start the cycle all over again. Over and over and over. It's all they know how to do it seems.
A normal human being with normal emotions can never imagine and get to realize the toxic vindictive mind of the narcissist whose all his interest and goal in life is to viciously emotionally evoke other people's vulnerable emotions and get the most gratification of :winning them over . Shocking
When I met my narcissist, he met his nemesis. And I have mastered his games and he can’t stand it. The competion is fierce but he always tells me how impressed he is about my ghosting abilities and how I can refrain from contacting him and answering him. It’s like they want to admire you for being an independent strong woman but once you give in they will rip your heart out.
That's a type of flattery that not only draws you back in; "see, I respect you now", but justifies the inevitable abuse and injustice if he gets you back: "it's because you lost your strength."
My narc hates me so much because I'm an independent woman too and more successful than him.He's so jealous of me that I dont understand before, I'm more like confuse coz im his wife my success is our success he should be happy. It's exhausting too because its always like a competition for him. He cannot control me fully for I made more in our relationship and stand my ground. So he looked and went for another supply. Only now I understand I was a narc victim all along. Now I'm happy to say I'm a SURVIVOR.
Yep mines shocked because when he doesn't get his way, he threatens to break up with me. I just say ok. Then I completely ignore him for a couple of days. No matter the tantrum. or baiting, he never wins.
Currently separated from, and planning to divorce, my narcissistic husband. He tries to bait me by making me feel stressed about money (he knows this is a trigger for me) and attacking my parenting skills (gaslighting) even though I am the one who has primarily raised our children. I am learning to resist taking the bait, but it is not easy. He is cruel and vindictive. The baiting frequently happens as a punishment when I try to assert myself in some way.
Start recording everything! Download Rev app, which can transcribe audio for court. And it will keep you calm bc you know you’re recording. DONT tell him your plan or about recording. Give him a nickname, don’t use his name. Start doing your homework, getting your records and financials together. Stop spending your money, spend his. Go to the clear value tax channel, and get on unemployment and the stimulus money. Open a separate account at a completely different bank (if same bank they can potentially access online multiple accounts). Put an alert on your credit in case he starts opening lines of credit. And remember, he enjoys your suffering, refuse to give him that satisfaction!
Myrna You're so right. Narcissists don't like it when you show you're assertiveness. I'm glad you're getting away from your Husband. They don't like boundaries. They don't like self sufficient people who can take charge of their own lives. I found out the more i can live without them, the more hostile they get. But it feels sooo good to know you can live without them. Do what ever it takes to get away from them. Get a good education. Get a good job. Get a place of your own, preferably a thousand miles away from them. You are so deserving of a happy life. There is no happiness when you are living with a narcissist.
My husband does that too. He used rent being paid every month to send me thru the ceiling with stress and anxiety. Then has the nerve to say I was always like that. Like the bum knew me from the moment I was born. Sending my anger thru the roof.
"See even though you've put on weight I find you attractive. You're the only one you want. I need you, no matter what you weigh." Backhanded compliments all day long
My narcissist is a licensed family therapist, so I let him gaslight me in so many ways because of this. I have blocked all avenues, but he has hoovered me once, but never again. Thanks for this videos.
Oh my...were they YOUR therapist? If so I would highly suggest reporting your experience to the board. Im an SUD counselor who is here gaining insight after an NPD client got too close (no ethical boundaries were crossed). The role of a therapist should not be used to harm others, though even if they weren't treating you they still know better than to control others. Im sorry you experienced that 😔
This is why I trust myself and not psychologists. I listen, but with a bit of healthy skepticism. Most, but not all, psychologists and therapists I have known are hypocritical quacks with mental disorders of their own. Usually, when I meet one, they can't resist the urge to analyze me and point out their unsolicited perceived negative opinions of me; (which are likely mere projections of themselves) sometimes to me, sometimes behind my back. I know who and what I am. One even told my sister to go have an affair of her own to "level the field" after her narcissist husband cheated on her, as though that would fix everything. Unbelievable.... and she actually paid money for that crap. These videos are different. The characteristics and behaviors are explained and it's up to the viewer to decide if they apply or not. The opinion you make is yours, not theirs.
BPD too! Yep, definitely takes its toll after years of it. Complex PTSD here now. Just leaving the house is hard now. If you get any sign they have BPD or NPD, RUN!
Oh saying you ain’t shit, followed by you need to humble yourself you’re not all that u think you are..” I’m like “bro which one is it??? Am the shit or ain’t shit?” Lol it’s ridiculousness I never responded ever but they will find a sweet spot eventually.
Totally. My father always attacked my intelligence. Even at 8 years old, he'd say "you think you're SOOOO smart, DON'T YOU?!!!" Words can't describe how that made me feel. Villain!
@Sunflower Shine Thank you. I marvel at the nurturing support of the comments on Dr. Ramani's videos. Luckily, I was, and continue to be, a truth teller. I could tell by 4th grade that my parents were worthy of my fear, pity, and morbid fascination, but not my respect. I'm sorry for the challenges you no doubt also endured.
In the last year I noticed her taking up my points of view and my concerns.... but I come to my feelings on things over time and by researching.... she's just repeating my words,but Jason conviction behind the words
This video could not have come at a better time for me. I have just left a narcissistic relationship and I can finally see and understand how like no other person in the world they manage to get me so upset. He's had months to pick out and master my insecurities and use those against me. Just remember that the sad thing is that these people cannot change and they are deep down very broken individuals. You can move on and live a happy life.
‘Is it that time of the month?’ ‘Did u forget ur meds?’ ‘Which movie did u get that line from?’ These were what I was repeatedly subjected to for over 23 years. There was no escape, even if I chose to ignore the baiting. We are legally separated now and not on talking terms. He now uses his lawyer to bait and provoke on his behalf. Now that I’m aware of what the game is all about, I let his lawyer know that I know and I’m not biting. The best part is, I got a platform to expose him and he’s paying for it!
Those kind of comments are sooo infuriating! Mine used to say- Let me guess! Your depo is wearing off! Or he would make some comment like- Our life isnt one of your soap operas, so you can quit trying to make our life YOUR daytime drama! Thankfully Im at a point now where, even though I cant get divorced right now, I dont bite the hook when he says these stupid kinds of things. I will usually just roll my eyes at him and say- Its a Good thing I dont care what you think/say anymore, cuz otherwise I might be bothered by the ridiculous things you say. Then I just walk away. He just stands there sputtering.
Patty Pratt We are currently separated and negotiations pertaining to divorce terms are ongoing. To cut a long story short, I’m obviously getting the shorter end of the stick. He has engaged lawyers while I’m representing myself because I can’t afford one. Years of getting away with everything has given him a false sense of confidence that he will get what he wants. He’s expecting an out of court settlement. I have gathered evidences of his lies, cheating and threat messages. I communicate directly with his Lawyers and have exposed his shenanigans to them and indicated that I will not hesitate to press charges if he continues with his dirty games and deprives me of my rightful share. Now, not only is his fragile ego bruised because his lawyers ‘know’ the truth, he has to continue paying them to negotiate with me.
Great for you! They hate to be exposed for the bottom-feeders they really are. I had my own way to expose my sister. We were both executors of my mother's will, she pulled out with no warning leaving me with all the responsibility (and working 70 hours a week) then threatened to sue me for not handling the will right. In the settling of the will, I had to hire a lawyer to create a buffer zone which cost me a lot of money. BUT I had him include in the settlement letter all the things she did: taking the only copy of the will and not letting me see it forcing me to get another copy and writing to extended family that I was not being cooperative, closing Mom's checking account so I couldn't pay my mother's bills and then she wrote to extended family that I wasn't responsible with money. ALL of that was in the official settlement letter for anybody in her household to read. The lawyer didn't want to do it but I insisted and would not relent. Imagining the look on her face when her behavior was exposed and in black and white was very satisfying. You hang in there!
Yup. They literally pour gasoline all over you, and then stand back flicking lit matches in your direction. When you explode you look like the hysterical one. Yeah, no, I’m not playing anymore, mom.
I see what you are saying. They can be so good at manipulation. In my experience, even if I kind of expect it to get burned after validating and trusting them I deny it. And I get burned again. P S. unless you have burns all over after being doused with gasoline , the word "literal" is misused here.
@@j.s.1816 I suppose I meant they ignite a psychological flame leading to reactive rage. Which can quite literally be seen as hot spots lighting up with increased activity in the thalamus and limbic parts of the brain on FDG-PET scan. Thalamus is the seat of emotions and the limbic system is our fight or flight (freeze or fawn) system. They literally bait you with triggers that light your brain on fire. I have limbic ADHD (likely a result if complex childhood trauma of emotional incest). Fascinating stuff. ✌🏽
You accurately described my last interaction with my narc sister before she stopped speaking to me. Antagonistic, evil witch. She tried after years of not speaking to come back like nothing happened. I am happily no contact with her.
My father was a master of baiting. He always did it when I visited my mother. I finally learned it was a game. He always wanted to get me angry. I began not to react and walk out of the room. I enjoyed the look of defeat on his face. He was an grandiose narcissist..
I have been raised by narcissists and was the scapegoat. I moved away because of my family. I have a very severe case. My siblings have been ordered to destroy me… and being narcissists they’ve baited and undermined me my whole life. Started a gossip site on me accusing me of vile things and others joining in with every horrible lie … twisting the truth to , now death threats. I have tried to get help for stalking and the police just winked and said sorry, no evidence. I have had my notes taken from my home, called the police because they were breaking in and stealing my things. No help. Told the apartment manager about this, but she never would change the lock. On and on. I just want my privacy. Lawyers that handle cyber stalking won’t talk to me. These are people that are very powerful and can buy anybody ( the police lady recognized me and laughed and said nothing we can do) Vile accusations and I’m being harassed by strangers and have lost everything. Anyone have advice? Maybe someone else has been through this. I’ve been following Dr Ramani’s advice and the narcs are ramping it up. Oh, side note, I will not commit suicide… was told that’s the goal. Thanks if you’re still listening 😢
They will accuse you of what they are guilty of.
Keith Bugden
Years ago, before I was aware of narcissistic behavior, the narcissist in my life accused me of “having an addictive personality“, where in a very serious tone he kept telling me that I need to be careful about what I do “because I had no boundaries and would overdo whatever negative practices I decided to engage in.”
Turns out he was talking about HIS DAMN SELF! Turns out that he was making large purchases without consulting his wife, turns out he was gambling a lot, turns out he was cheating on his wife too! Multiple times.
The very thing that he was guilty of, he projected onto me. I worried about that concept for a long time and then I had to tell myself that it just wasn’t true. All that anguish and waste of emotion that I spent because I thought he was a dear friend who was trying to help me be a better person. Now I know the truth.
Keith Bugden so true
ladyiola
I hear you,
Being put through the emotional wringer is a terrible experience. All that time being misled and trusting the liar while ignoring our internal alarms sounding. Denying our feelings, anger, sadness. The deliberate betrayal and deceit. The ongoing emotional manipulation, being strung along blindly. All the time and effort we expended for wasted precious time and energy. Brutal eye opening lessons not to tangle with a toxic narcissist. Consumed by anger, left with bitter regret and tears. We deserve so much more, so much better. We’ve experienced the worst the best is yet to come! They have paved the way to prepare us for better, be open to receive 👍💝😎
Yes! Stop when they accuse/insult/attack and ask yourself how are they guilty of that.
This Keith says it all. If I could give it more likes I would . But IMHO you captured them in a nutshell
One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
I came to the conclusion that is the way my former "friend" treated me as appalling as she did, whilst at the same time not wanting to leave me alone. I think it's a common thing with them. It makes me sick that I did not walk away from all this abuse sooner.
Wow
Yes!!! Bingo!!!
Yep 100%
Truth is....doesn't matter what you said to them...because there was no one home inside to hear you. Walk away n dont look back. You can write in your journal what u need to say.
You’ll also often see a sadistic smirk on their face once you react. These are sick individuals
I noticed that people who smirk have a many narc traits.
Yes! my brother from across the country came to visit a few years ago. Now as I am almost divorced, he mentioned that snark smirk look my X would unknowingly convey, and I was so used to that look that i forgot that was a significant thing until my brother pointed that out. Creepy.
Interesting. I remember this weird look in the narcissist that I came across once, eyes.. Hard to describe... as if there was nothing there, or some weird mixture of cold, anger, nothingness, emptiness, disdain... also something REALLY looking for something to find to hang onto. I don't give reactions for bullshit and acting out, and I love to observe how human minds work, so he grew rapidly frustrated with me (or so i I conclude now).
However, out of extreme curiosity, I'd love to go back in time and pause that look and just keep staring at it to analyze it. As nasty and creepy as it is, it is also fascinating when your curious.
Ahhh. THAT'S what that was.
Yes I remember seeing that they seem to hate you. What was wrong with me that lead me to a narc?
This woman is raising me better than my parents are my life has changed so much since I started watching
I want her to be my mom lol I say it all the time #mommyissues
Amen I've learned so much in like, 6 videos!💖🙏
I just said the other day, I wish Ramani and her info were widely available to me in the 2000s. I would like to believe I would have seen the red flags
Agreed!! Its like we’re all born into old fashion minded people who need to grow up and mature and get with society’s growth they just lack working on themselves/excuses
I am rooting for you! It takes a lot to overcome the power your parents have over you since they are supposed to be your guardians. I have my own experiences to relate with you. You are doing what you need to for yourself! I sense you are young. You have autonomy! You belong to nobody, even your parents. I wish there was a way to help get you out of that situation, but use these videos to help keep your mind straight until you can escape it. 🔥❤️🔥
They are addicted to drama. People getting along is just boring to them.
Yes i love that they love drama
Yup. They wake up like that.
They are parasites hollowing you out from the inside. That's why you feel totally hollow in a relation with them after some time.
by design
I agree!!!
Outside of saying NO and waiting for the response... my favourite way to quantify the health of a partner is having a day of silence. In my experience, narcissists (and other cluster B personalities) cannot STAND the quiet. Even during meditation, they have sounds, smells, fluffy things to sit on... it's kind of wild to observe them go absolutely bonkers! Heartbreaking if I'm being honest. It must be super difficult to be them :/
Not giving the Narcissist what they want is one of the most enjoyable and powerful gifts we can give ourselves.
I had a lady younger than (me) she walked into my church and I fell for it every time.I feel like the devil walked into my church in the form of a woman and she went to the pastor and told him all of this stuff and I was pulled into his office and she already painted me the villain with him and there was zero I could say to prove that I was innocent.that is when I realized to have zero contact at church and in the city.I FELT SO ALONE AND EVERY PERSON STOPPED TREATING ME HOW THEY WERE,and started agreeing with her!then I realized that I would never cave in no matter how I was being treated because eventually she would be caught in a lie.I FELT SO ALONE BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON THAT ACTUALLY CARED AND HE DID THAT RIGHT THING.then another person older than me came to me and said everything that this lady/devil was doing to her that saved my life literally and a while after another older lady came to me and I new that these two people were going through what I was.it was around that time this devil got married and stopped coming to church all together.I WANTED TO YELL TO EVERYONE THAT BELIEVED I WAS THE VILLAIN THAT TWO OTHERS CAME FORWARD AND THAT SAVED MY LIFE!!!!now the very last Sunday she was there she asked me to bring in the police because a member of her family was abusing her and the five children in the room.at first I didn’t believe her.she then thirty minutes later asked again and by that time I had noticed red flags that I can’t talk about but it was baiting hook 🪝 line and stinker!!!I AM A MANDATED REPORTER DO TO MY JOB AND THERE WERE SO MANY RED FLAGS ABOUT THE CHILDREN (not her but I saw involving those children)SO I CONTACTED CPS AND I FIGURED BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY 😢 IF IT WASN’T ANYTHING THEN AT LEAST THINGS HAD BEEN CHECKED OUT
...This! ❤👏
Very True
@@jimmyhogan3997 you did the right thing but they're so good at appearing to be the victim the cops side with them and the man is usually carted off to jail. Dr. Todd Grande has a video: Traits of a Narc wife. The comments section is very sad. Men who've lost everything.
Funny!
My narc discarded me today. I'm still celebrating.
So happy for youuu but expect her back, they ALWAYS come back, be on guard, seal your friggin door and PRAY. These people arent normal.
@@Vixinaful Yes he or she will more than likely be back probably trying to lure you in with a fake apology or maybe even sex do not fall for this because once they are back in they will double down on their previous behavior, I've noticed there's very little positive change with them and my hunch is if they were to ever really change it would take YEARS not days... not weeks not months.... but actual YEARS which I don't see many of them doing.
@@YamiRiku Yeah I saw that aswell, not even therapy works for a personality already set in stone.
Consider yourself lucky
Celebrate while you prepare for defense, eh? She'll be back. Don't be there. Good luck, wear garlic. Cheers and congrats!
It destroyed me how my reactions to the abuse was turned on me as if I were the problem. It is the most head muddling situation I have ever been through. Be careful with opening up on your mental health to people like this.
Yes!!! I went through that also. I was always told that I was so argumentative, contentious or volatile. Huh? If anything I was simply always on the defense because she kept accusing me of things.
Yes narcissist always do that!
I so relate to your statement, it's mind game's. I've started the process of divorce and its the best thing I could have done, I can't believe I put up with this for 24 years.
The thing is, to them you actually are the problem. You are the one who keeps going against their grain.
And you will always go against their grain, because they keep changing their expectations of you, so you never know what you are supposed to do or not do... like you said "head muddling"... frustrating af.
I hope you got out okay and you're on your way to healing and regaining trust, in yourself and your ability to safely share your opinions and feelings...
I said to her, "you destroyed me". And got caught for another run, where I'd hear constant mentions of how I was so mean for having said that, or how she had been "destroyed" by this or that. A new word appeared ! Always turned against me. Those pointy word repetitions are very visible in the flow of our written conversations. I had to check gigabits of text as I did not know what was going on...
I had a fun time after I said to her, "Go fuck yourself. Sincerely". I was already going out at that point.
I wish I had been meaner, sooner 😅
No one is allowed emotions or reactions except the narcissist. They only want a positive mirror of who they imagine themselves to be. Give them anything else and you’re the bad guy.
EXACTLY!! 🎯👌
The sad truth!
Truth!
Omg you nailed it! That's precise!
They also want you to jump through hoops to prove to themselves that they're good even when they're having a negative spiral meltdown.
there is no dealing with a narcissist.
THE ONLY WAY is to permanently delete them from your life and NEVER look back.
they are evil incarnate.
it will NEVER improve.
I literally refer to my narc ex as the devil incarnate!!! 👹
@@vodalavoid Counseling. Hopefully he's not an adult yet.
How harsh
Yes, they are victims too
Just get stronger and leave that bitterness behind you
@@vodalavoid I hope you guys can repair. It's nice to see a humble comment. Writing people off is a last ditch effort in some relationships.
I hv accepted this and left her. However, im still repairing my emotional and mental health. Its not easy. I still didnt see the silver lining of meeting her.
They enjoy the pain of others... that’s so damn sick.
Queana Ivory Music
Our pain is their pleasure
Beware of the covert sadists
It s like they get satisfaction and true pleasure. But that is also consolation for us, cause if you know it is all about them getting their disgusting satisfaction they are definately going to get it from somebody else. You just stick to no contact and make sure you or your kids will never be a source of satisfaction like that to anybody ever.
The pain from others distracts them from their own demons.
My husband is a narcissist he hurts me a lot by making treating me like a doormat but other women be it his relatives, his friends, his friend's wives feel very very special.... I tried to break up with him but he patches up but continues his narc behavior ...emotionally.backmails me to.stay n not divorce because of our child who is 19yrs old
Helps reduce their pain of hating themselves.
“Exploiting your vulnerabilities instead of protecting them.” This explanation helps make it clear for me. Thank you. 🙏🏻
Yes....perfect explanation xx
Yes agreed. My mom would listen to my troubles with my peers then bring up what a bad friend I was in detail- using what she’d learned when she was “sympathetically” hearing me out. She was just gaining intel to hurt me. 🤦🏻♀️
Brings Me to Tears in My Heart...Mind Boggled
You explain so well how this being are! It took me 20 years to realise all this the damage this people leave is enormous and only few people believe you even with proves of all the horrible things they do 😢😢😢
Wow, spot on!
When I stopped engaging, he didn't know what to do. He really believed things were getting better between us. I was compliant and agreeable. I really just accepted that he wasn't going to change. I got a plan together and got out of Dodge. He was blindsided. 🤯 It was awesome watching him squirm for once. He no longer had control once I left and was scrambling to find a way to get me back. I had done so much research and finally understood his mind games that I was immune to his manipulation.i had already mourned the death of the relationship for so long before I left that I was DONE. I accepted that he was a liar. Anything he promised was a LIE. Even when trying to get me back he could not own up to ANYTHING. He just kept repeating "please come back" , but was not willing to acknowledge the millions of reasons I left to begin with. It just confirmed that I had made the right decision.
Amber Hayes same.
This is a heartbreaking decision for me. It is in my family. It has affected all of us. I am torn between stepping out, and the love I feel for them. I know what I need to do but it feels so adverse at the same time.
@@dbirdeycapozzi9807 Your health comes first before other adult humans. Only our animals and kids come before us.
@@clayandputtyvideos1647 agreed
@@dbirdeycapozzi9807 Same here. Think about the possibility that, by setting firm boundaries that keep you safe and allow you to flourish, you are also setting an example for how others in the family can do the same. You don't have to hate the narcs or wish them ill, but you do have a responsibility to yourself, and you can be a powerful model of how to live in a dignified, respectful, compassionate way for other family members.
When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
Yes, I second that idea. When you feel softer to the narc, go back and read it.
I’m doing this to help me stay sane too, but have not had the courage to leave because of my sense of duty to my marriage vows.
This is very good advice, thank you.
What a good idea!
I’m coherent I don’t need a damn journal 📓 I know when someone is gaslighting cuz I was fortunate enough to discover this material early on and I saw that old ass crusty movie and self confident enough to know myself VS BULLSHIT.
"They know what upsets you....Narcissists learn and recognize the vulnerabilities of other people and exploit them instead of protect them." I felt that deeply. I always felt like I was being analyzed instead of talking to a friend. Now it makes sense why.
Yes!!! Took me a long time to understand why I always felt different about "heart to heart" talks we would have. Instead of feeling better like a person should I always felt uneasy and strange - now I know it's because they were simply cataloguing info to use later. Sick..
omg i felt the same thing
Imagine that I never let my guard down with my ex narc but he still managed to provoke me into oblivion and hurt me in many ways. Goes to show just how monstrous they are. Never let people know your weaknesses! Know your worth people, then add TAX! Maintain your boundaries and stay discerning. Love y’all. ❤️
@GetYaMindRight ! lol this guy was telling me I only have 5 questions to ask him and that's it. Meanwhile he wanted to know everything including how much rent I pay per week and how much my brother pays like wtf meanwhile the whole time he lived down the road from my house and told me he lived 10 minutes away.
@@angelahagemeyer698 “ Cataloging info to use later”
^loveee🔥🙏🏻
My favorite is when they bait, you comment, they get offended and dismissive, and the word salad happens, the conversation rapidly devolves, and you’re left reeling for days reflecting on how it went. This is every conversation with my family member.
I met a guy who I had a brief stint with..was an absolute covert/malignant narc who would bait and stonewall right after by blocking me on social media when I tried talking to him..was so extremely painful to enrage me, then block me so I couldnt respond..I’ve never met someone this sick before
@@musicandpoetry_8 omg that's exactly my life story...they wouldn't even let you respond and they enjoy your rage
"Rules for thee but not for me." They switch focus, topic, and discard any coherence that doesn't suit them in the moment. If you employ the same methods it will become a cussing and shouting match, and this suits them just fine; they get an 'even score' while being in the wrong. Moreover, they will use that instance as perpetual ammunition whenever they get called out in the future.
Ain't that the truth!
My sister cursed me for accidentally exposing her lies, then turned around and told everybody I cursed her. I was so confused and heartbroken until one day the light bulb went on. Now I see why. lol
Baiting is actually a two-fold "win" for the narcissist.
Not only do they have power and control over your emotions but they also control the way other people view you.
He’s tried that with our friends, thankfully he can’t fool most of them and they know what he’s doing and tell him I’m right. That doesn’t Mae hin happy, but that’s not my problem.
Yes! Every bystander will see their calm manner and you screaming and emotional and think your the crazy bad guy.
Irene Russak you do realise that the behaviour of a narcissist is the topic, not a public demonstration? Most narcissists are so concerned with how they appear, they forget that others can see right through the mask. No screaming necessary.
@@michelekett8450 I disagree. People buy what they are selling
@@michelekett8450 I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your comment. I was referring to the gaslighting, where they say awful things to you until you get upset and then tell you are crazy. Sometimes it happens in a public setting and other people don't know, what the narcissist said or did and since he is calm and you are upset, it will also seem to others, that you are crazy.
I cut my ties with my family. Best decision ever.
My mom is narcissistic and the rest of my family are enablers.
Sorry to hear, same situation on my side, never felt so adult but the guilt and feeling of opening my eyes for the first time on my family is still difficult to control from sometime. How do you deal with it?
It's probably the best decision you made for your mental health and overall well-being. I did the same many years ago. I refuse to have any unnecessary drama in my life.
Can we be friends? My dad and his family are like this.
Amen sister, same!
I cut contact with my malignant narcissist mother 8 years ago. I re-established contact some years later and have only this week totally cut contact again. She repeated the same unforgivable comments used last time. I feel free as a bird. She can go to hell. Our lives have been absolute chaos because of her and I actually do feel hate for the woman.
My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don't you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
Nick Bargas Very good advice and it’s advice I also suggest.
Excellent advice. Thank you. Staying positive is the only thing you can do really. The hard part for people is that it's very difficult to remain strong at times and you need reassurance from the positive people in your life to help you.
Good!
I am so grateful to a friend who suggested he was a narcissist after we had separated. I did some research, and at first I thought, no, he ticks a lot of the boxes, but I don’t think he would classify as having full blown NPD. I now realize his symptoms didn’t show because for most of our marriage our goals aligned, and I rarely asserted myself. The one or two times I tried it went badly for me. He never respected any of my boundaries. It was only after we separated (he had been in the discard phase for a while), and I felt such tremendous relief that I realized how emotionally abusive he had been to me. Now that I know what he is, I have been able to do research and equip myself with the tools and strategies to deal with him more effectively. Knowledge is power. I don’t know where I would be right now if it hadn’t been for that friend who suggested NPD. I feel so badly for all of those people out there who are going through this and never realize the other person is a narcissist.
Myrna I’m glad you got out. I basically advise my friends not to tolerate any form of abusive behaviour. An actual diagnosis isn’t required. Toxic is toxic. Abuse is abuse. Know your self worth. Nobody deserves that.
My rotten mother was a FULL BLOWN narcissist. When she died it was one of those "thank God THAT'S over" moments!
Same here!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@mailman248 it's a damn shame too...that ANY of us have to go through something like that to learn about THAT! BUT, I guess it's better to learn it IF indeed it exists at all, than to keep putting up with it in our future relationships. 👍🤙
Thanks Rodney for your response.
Rick
I get you. Godspeed!
That is heart breaking to hear. A son needs a loving supportive mother.
Bless your heart. That had to be terrible. Hope you recovered.
Years ago, my therapist taught me not all questions deserve answers. She suggested a response of “Why do you ask?” It took me a while to remember...and to implement. It’s been pure gold and I highly recommend for those trying to go “Grey Rock”.
Great advise thank you 😊
Thanks! ❤ Will try it out😄
It works. I do it to my narc mother and it stops her in her tracks.
Omg if only I knew this over a month ago when I left- It would've been so much easier
this is awesome! adopting that right now.
I wish i had someone tell me all these things 15 years ago when I was growing up.
The best day was when I realized he thrived on conflict, a steady stream of conflict no matter who or what. One crisis rolled into another. Nothing was ever resolved. He was enraged the day I finally turned around and walked away. He followed me to the barn and did everything he could to engage me. He finally left. How I wish I found these videos 15 years ago - but better late then never . The good thing about seeking refuge in the barn is I have friends there! 👍🏻🤗
We all do. But at least we know now. Think about all the generations before us that didn’t have this information.
Me too and I’m 56.
Me to
Me to
This lady is a true genius who has focused her immense intellect on this subject. We are all very blessed to have her.
TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
She saved my life
Yes, I agree. She is the very best!
Yeah, she's pretty awesome
I agree! Have said to myself she is a genius so many times- beyond grateful for her and the knowledge she gives us on here
I was 48 y/o before I learned about NPD. This needs to be explained in high school, it would save many people a lot of grief. Dr Ramani has over one million subscribers so narcissism must be quite mainstream
That would be nice, but can you imagine the parental response? There would be torches and pitchforks - "You can't teach my child that!!" (because maybe I'm a narc parent).
Indeed. I am now in my 60's and been a magnet for them all my life. I'm just now learning why that is.
It appears that I need to change my personality and/or become a hermit.
That's because these people have no emotion and the last thing theyll go and do is admit theyre messed up people.
Let's be honest, we are so used to downplaying their actions that we doubt they are narcissist untill their actions are given as examples here by Dr. Ramani.
ABSOLUTELY!!!!
@@amytiffanyhemingway Exactlyyyy
They sell hope... that's what keep us clinging on to them.
I think it's accurate to say that narcs get away with a LOT unless/until we, their victims, learn about their disorder, toolkit, tricks, techniques, and learn to fight against them (or cut them out of our lives).
EXACTLY!!! I downplayed EVERYTHING!!! I knew better, but, my self-doubt and low self-esteem plagued me from pegging it for what it ACTUALLY IS: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE 💯%
My mother told me I was crazy and I needed to see a psychologist so we both saw one together. After reading our email communications and during a one on one meeting with the psychologist she told me my mother is a narcissist, sociopath and she was amazed at how mentally balanced I was considering who I was raised by. It all made sense that day and soon after I took a five year break from my Mother for my own mental health and to learn what I was dealing with and what I went through. She basically destroyed my childhood and youth
Hello partida.. I am going through a similar situation.. after a horrible childhood I have recently noticed who did it to me . You know the sad thing about having a narc parent you will familiarize with such people and will have friendships/relationship with such people only.. the 1st step in our healing process is identify the root of our problem.. in my case it was my mother.. I tried so much to change her.. I tried so much to get along with her. But no she did not change and will never.. now in my laye 20s I refuse any sort of abuse.. I avoid such people.. I avoid her voices in my head..
Wow! Therapy is so important for Narc abused children/adults. They are NOT to blame even tho they have it pounded into their psyche 🌹
@@di3393 Thanks for sharing diki! Your so right and I am struggling with that in my relationships to this day. It’s a lifelong struggle but educating ourselves helps and I’m becoming a sort of personality expert for my own defense and I now recognize and spot things others don’t. So just keep learning and empowering yourself and don’t give up♥️
I feel the same way. I need a nice break from my mom after I move out here in the next couple weeks
God bless you, partida125!
Best thing I did for my wellbeing was to leave my narcissist.
Same here but for me, my child and my loved ones around me exposed to the ex narc
Leaving was one of the best decision I ever made.
Me to..2-10-21. Escaped a 7 year relationship
omg i was friends with someone like this he would get really weird & I'd stay away, but then he'd call & be nice. then he did the worst to me almost lost my house from it, he died before I could confront him. know that I see all this guess I lucked out
Well, I have been in this relationship 33 years. I used to be strong and it just didn't matter and I could just keep going. Now, I am disabled and have no power in my world and NOW I AM IN REAL TROUBLE. Before I was the breadwinner and my continuing to "make things work" was what was always "making things work", now I can no longer "make things work"! UGH! I only just hit the "record your conversations phase". We have even gotten to the point where my spouse admits the bad behavior in some incidents and has labeled this character "The ANgry One" we even came up with a safe word. Even with this in place, when the triggering event happens, I am still the bad guy. Now I can be kicked out to be homeless. I guess I should have worked on this 20 years ago. Oh Well!
Perfect example of baiting: I have very tightly curled hair that I let grow in after years of straightening it. I found a brush that really glides through the curls and showed it casually to a narcissist.
Their response-"Wow, that reminds me of those brushes they use for dogs."
My response-"I don't know about dogs but it works wonderfully on my curly hair. I'm so glad I found it!" I literally saw his whole countenance fall and a very disturbed look on his face immediately after my not taking the bait and him not getting his supply.
Excellent job ! As a side note, any type of naturally curly hair is my favorite. I just love curls. 🙂
@@phoenixspirit9530 Thank you so much for your kind response! So happy that I am finally seeing the beauty in my God-given hair, nice to know you do as well. ☺️
My little brother does this, too.
The eyebrow raise, the immediate shift from satisfaction, to disgust and even anger.
Then, the wild flailing or exaggerated movements, while they attempt another angle to get supply...
OR...
They will back off, but spend the whole time staring at you in contempt and trying to gauge the level of fear or reaction to their stares, to see if they still have any affect on you with their presence.
I've literally ignored him, to the point where he gets mad that he isn't the center of attention and will derail/interrupt a conversation to talk about himself or something he wants to, again.
If I leave, then of course, it'll be "oh, you don't listen to *anyone* and just wanna talk about yourself!"
I don't deal with his ass, fuck that.
@@techrvl9406 The desperate need for attention by any means necessary is real. 🤢
I can only imagine his face. This is soòoo good. Way to go.
I cannot believe others have experienced the 'smirk'. I had no idea this is such a common experience, it's a look that I still have so strongly etched in my memory. Him smirking and taking pleasure out of something he intentionally said to make me feel uncomfortable. Luckily, I see who he is now and I left. I am so much healthier and happier.
I've had one that smirked another whose rage only stopped when I'd been completely torn down another who looked at me with contempt n did passive aggressive til I pleaded... sickening. Leaves you like nuts!! Then they call u nuts n mentally ill!!!! I'm surprised I'm not in a mental home! 🙋
My ex did a smirk when i was crying and also when he talked about another girl and i felt bad about it
Very sick and sad individuals who take pleasure in trying destroying you, the smirk is their pleasure radiating out.
Tips to cope with the smirk ?
I’ve seen them do it when they talk about something they’d had their dirty fingers in to cause trouble for others. My sister talked about her neighbor being evicted and she was smiling and smirking the whole time she was talking about it. She had been complaining on him for very minor things for several weeks. I asked her if she caused him to be evicted and she told me no. She was way to smug & satisfied to have not done it.
One thing that a narcissist tell you when you're beginning to analyze the situation is that " you're paranoid" or " you're crazy"
Yes, I had a nightmare of an ex "friend" (she finally pushed me over the edge with her nasty behaviour and ridiculous gaslighting, and I cut her out of my life finally). When confronted she would say "You're not well" and "You need to see a doctor". It was infuriating.
Also she would deliberately provoke to such an extent I would finally get really angry and upset, and she would whip out her phone and start filming me 😔
Or you misunderstood me
@@emiuygun3850 or "you're twisting my words"...when I was repeating VERBATIM what he said
@@tiffanyhaynes6083 yess....or tell you that YOU are "distorting reality" or, "You are changing events in your head again" or, "you have issues with remembering events" 🙃🥴
I lived with this for 25 years and just thought I was crazy. I never knew there was anyone else in the world that was going through what I was going through.
That's exactly what they want you to think. That's how they continue the abuse.....they make you think that YOU are the source of all the problems ......and that you are THE problem.....and that your experience is unique. It isn't unique That's the good and bad news.. Look up an author named Lundy Bancroft. His work gave me the validation I had so desperately needed for years.....I knew then that it wasn't all in my head and my experience of mistreatment was real......I just didn't have words or the vocabulary to express what I was going through. . When I saw how my ex-husband infuriated our marriage counselor, I really saw that it wasn't me.....it was the narc.
I have gone through this for 29 years too! I finally found out that he was narcisstic (I didn't know what that was until 10 months ago) I literally had to take anxiety pills because I didn't know what was going on with my like. BTW, he called my medicine my "crazy pills" . I have finally left him!!
@@sherriseago8363 mine called MY anxiety meds crazy pills too!
It took me so long because I had 5 children with him. They have all turned against me because they think I'm sinning. He hasn't had an affair or actually hit me!
@@sherriseago8363 good for you and have a prosperous life. I will say a payer for you.
The Baiting with a question is how I always fall for it.
A softly put question to get in the door that BAM they pounce and attack
agree wholeheartedly and after I reacted he'd say "It was Just a question."
She got me so worked up once I had a meltdown. I don't even recall what it was over, I just remember repeating the words 'I don't know' over and over and crying. Instead of holding, reassuring, maybe even recognising I was being traumatised, she pulled out her phone to film me, and then threatened to show my family that I was crazy. I endured 16 years of that until I discovered this channel, and still took me another year to finally break the cycle, and leaving her for good. 6 months on now, and we're back to the hoovering/ love bombing stage. I'm stronger now. Still challenging at times, but I know I can't and won't be going back this time.
You can do it !!
Oh...I had that similar experience, so sick, so sick. I am so sorry you went through that.
Oh my god
OMG filming you that’s a whole new level non-empathetic, I’m so sorry. Keep on surviving and hopefully thriving too.
Hearing your story I’m having bad flashbacks. I remember that final day having a meltdown too where I sat and cried and I do remember repeating that I don’t even feel safe in my own home anymore over and over again. She tried to film me to to say I was the crazy one. This was after she threaten my life. It shows you how dangerous these people can be. I’m so much happier now that I’m on my own. I can’t believe how depressed I had become from her constant negativity and gaslighting. She was the master of lies and manipulation and I saw through all that and that’s why I became the bad guy to her. So she used our friends and family as enabler‘s to play the victim role. So sad, these kind of people need a lot of help.
@@Freedom-Fighter1 sorry to hear you had to go thru all that. Hope you're fully outbid the woods now. We've been done for nearly 8 months and her manic pursuit between lovebombing and abuse are relentless.
There's also passive aggressive baiting as well. It's one thing when they say something overtly cruel, it's another when it is covert and hard to call out, even to yourself
Yes, you know, but until I heard Dr. R. Put it in words I understand. Thanks Dr.
U got be quick with it, there ALLL INSULTS. The thing hates ur guts
The thing??
ll S N A R L ll yes THING it’s goal is to de-humanize YOU, so if you continue to consider it a human you will continue to show it empathy
And it will continue to torment you, but once you see it for wat it is you will began to interact with it like a creature or machine allowing you to preserve wats left of you.
Yeah like one I’ve noticed he does is so simple and usually something someone says in care but whatever I answer to this question will be twisted later or used to belittle me. The question he asks is “are you ok?”
Threats and slander are the worst part of dealing with a narcissist...
Very true,
It's this which is the most tormenting
My narc ex still emails me threatening me with bad Karma
Mannnnn!!! Threats blow my wig back!!! I was like!!! You threaten me!!! She turn it around like you hearing things and said: I want you to stay here with me. I am so glad I’m out of that chaos 🙏🏾
@@RachyNoodleNest I'm going through this right now. I've left my husband 3x due to his drinking and it seems like I always go back out of guilt. He always says karma will get me, wishes me sick, or my loved ones. Even wishes death, almost daily. Is it normal that these people start as soon as their eyes open and keep on til they sleep? I'm not exaggerating when I say, that soon as he wakes up, the verbal abuse starts. "I'm ugly, disgusting, no one cares about me, my family uses me so I must forget about them, and give him power of attorney." I honestly don't even know where he got the idea that my family uses me for anything. I have a great family and we're very close, and will always be. It's like he creates drama in his head, repeats it all day long and nags me NON STOP, hoping that eventually I'll believe him. I really believe he wants me to THINK I'm going crazy.
January of 2020, I was in the hospital and gave birth to a still born daughter. It was devastating, and still to this day I feel like I haven't been able to grieve. I was in the hospital on his bday, and he was so pissed that I didn't throw him a party, and that " I ruined his 50th B-day," It's been the topic of all discussions since then, and what a selfish, terrible person I was for ruining an event such as him being HALF A CENTURY OLD. He has not once mentioned the death of our baby, it's about his bday. I left, and we live in separate states, but he is even more determined now and insists that I plan and pay for a party. He wants it catered, full bar. When he use to offer to take me to dinner, but would disappear or suddenly need to take a call when the bill came. I paid for every meal, and it was never less than $100, 5 nights a week. Sometimes, I wouldn't eat because I know it would just be more money wasted. My savings is gone! I want a divorce, but if I do that, "God will make sure I die a horrible death, and I'm just a fat whore."
Now, he wants "my entire small Texas town to see what a terrible and selfish person I am." 😬All day, everyday.
His favorite quote, " I'll never stop! I always get the last laugh."
He's creepy af. How? How did I ever find this person to be attractive, much less marriage material? Most importantly, WTF is wrong with ME to keep going back?? It's never gonna get better!
My mother is a TEXTBOOK case of narcissism. I didn't have a word to describe her until now. Any time you talk about narcissism, i have a story of her behaving that way somewhere in my traumatic memory. I forgave her horrible behavior every single time. The last straw that broke the camel's back is when she tried to ruin my wedding 2 days before my wedding. Canceled 60 guests by lying to them. Tried to cancel the vendors and the priest. Thankfully I spoke to all the vendors since I was paying them and clarified that they are still hired. But that was it. Ruining my wedding that i planned for 2 years was the final assault. Never looked at her again.
aww so sorry
Baiting can be done through a flying monkey while you are no contact.
Sadly, very true!!
Extremely true! Social media is the biggest one! Depending what you’re dealing with. I’ve heard many sleep around with all your friends/colleagues/workers and family members of any sex
@@lovelight2919 Oh God!
@@lovelight2919 Oh God!
Exactly, yes Kathy. Good point. I have been unexpectedly at the other end of flying monkeys long after no contact. It's awful when it happens, but I know the game they play now. Covert narcs are the worst.
I wish this information was taught in 1981. It would have saved me 4 decades of GASLIGHTING from Nacissistic Employers, Coworkers and Girlfriends.
Me too brother, keep the faith🤫
I know!
@A M OR easy to be baited. Like me.
I can not imagine who I would have become without all the narcissists in my life, starting with the first day. Now I am 60 years old. Sometimes I think I will habe to spend the rest of my life alone, grieving and crying. Its so hard to learn normal relationship, I feel deeply insecure.
40 years it took to finally diagnose my husband. Now I wonder what I could have done with this information back then.
I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying *anything* to get a rise out of you.
When they do get a rise out of you, they will then show that disgusting narc smirk that stretched across their face, and then they will play the victim and pretend that they were hurt by your 'rage'
Yes this^^^^
@@tyrellwilson9334 yes!
This 🖕is the ONLY raise those pos narcs will get outta me from now on! 😆
I use to retreat to a room and say I’m not interested in your argument. Then she started calling me a narcissist know I’m searching RUclips trying to figure out if I am
I just tried these strategies with my abusive ex wife, and she did all the responses- baiting, gas lighting, avoiding the issue, etc. I’ve never felt so clean after dealing with her, usually I feel like spending the day crying. Thank you so much, you’ve literally changed my life
Same brother
Not gonna lie I saw this & it sounds like you killed your ex wife🤣
I feel your pain, everything is my fault, ive never met anyone who could turn things around to blame others like this dude. Now I can't get rid of him, ive asked him nicely to go, tried locking him out and everything. He's been suckijg my bank account dry for 14 years while he started working finally and just spends it on himself and I'm left struggling paying the bills and have nothing left for things I need. Dating a narcissist has made me doubt I'll ever find someone who will treat me at the very least as an equal and share the cost of living rather than using me for everything you can. Glad you made it out and she's now an ex, wish I could find a way to do the same!
I SO get you. I also just want to spend the day crying (and I have on many occasions). Well done Casey. One battle at a time1
@@juliasmueller69 it all starts with that scary plunge of separating yourself- I know how hard it is to trust after, but don’t let them destroy that good part of you that can trust and love openly. There are so many people out there that deserve it, and you’ll meet them!
I've finally realized who really has the power in any form of relationship with a narcissist.....WE DO ! Once we educate ourselves and learn how fragile their ego is, how low their self esteem is, how immature they are ...we can no longer choose to feed them what they need.
For me, that's when I was discarded and replaced and it is a blessing in disguise. They don't change. It's who they are for life ! Small, frightened little beings.
Deborrah Oliveri Yes. Like the matrix! They want the lifestyle of living in a womb
Guess who just got that wolmb
That is IF and when they discard you... However, some are unrelenting and cannot be ignored. Especially, if they are colleagues or if you have kids with them. These endless attempts at necessary interactions are exhausting and do make you feel powerless...
A shrewd person is practical and clever, sound in judgment and sharp in perception, judicious and prudent, discerning and wise. He is neither devious nor manipulative. “Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge,” states Proverbs 13:16. Yes, shrewdness, or prudence, is a desirable trait when dealing with abusive people.
@@lastnamefirst9423 I love this.
He would always ask me questions about something and then condemn me for my answer, even if I was just being honest.
Yes, "whats wrong, why are you not happy?" Or you dont tell them, knowing you'll get attacked for sharing. Both options you get yelled at for
Oh so familiar!
@@phalinimcleod8819 hope you are not with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 thanks for reading my comment. Dr Ramani and others on RUclips as well as friends who have been in similar relationships to mine have helped me to finally face the fact that yes, I have been living with a narc for forty years. Just knowing is somewhat liberating. And having an internet family of fellow survivors is also encouraging and soul-satisfying. Thanks again for your reply.
@@phalinimcleod8819 you are welcome my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
"Im sorry you feel that way" was one of the best phrases that helped me get through my own experience with a family member like this and "grey rock". They are psychic vampires and they essentially just want your energy.
“Bitch, you thought.”
What is interesting is your apologies to them become just like this when enablers want to force u to apologize.
Holy shit,
@@josuemc93 dear lord this is dad
That’s a good phrase, thanks for sharing!
_"The opposite of empathy"_ Yes, thank you! That is so important. Narcissists are always described as 'lacking empathy', but that fails to fully explain their motivations. 'They want power'; well, yes, but there are better ways to get power, ways that are more profitable and durable. But having an emotional need to be cruel -- then it all make sense. They don't just want power, they specifically want the power to _hurt_ you. Simply controlling you for their own security is _not_ enough.
Characterizing this in terms of 'lacking empathy' neutralizes what, in reality, fits our common definition of _evil._ I suppose we phrase it that way because we are uncomfortable with the blunt truth. In doing so, we are enabling narcissism. We should call it what it is -- evil -- to keep this firmly in mind.
The only question is the _extent_ to which the evil behavior will go.
This woman must have eyes in my house because she just described my relationship in great detail.
Mine too. Because they aren't there. Its just demons running everything because there is a coward in there. A broken child I will continue to pray for. And run from in equal measures. When I listened to the descriptions the first time I almost threw up. It's shocking to be woken up. I am grateful for it. I have this memory of feeling happy and being cheerful and people telling me I am cheery. But it's a memory. God gave us hope and I hope tomorrow is the day I feel it again. As today was the day I cried and packed his things and my stepdaughters things after 10 years. I told him how he was acting every day for a month. He then ignored me for a month except to swear and name call me. And I got 1 phone call from him saying he is coming to get his $%it and hang up. He hasn't even read the message I sent him. I'm obliging him now. And I thank God for removing the oppression I was smothered in. God bless us all and my poor neglected stepdaughters in Jesus name Amen.
All narcissist are exactly the same. That is why she knows what we experience.
I said exactly the same in another video😲
@@sandrapisarski6597 Understood, but I really believe that many people have these traits of narcissists because of our self absorbed ungodly society. They are not changing their ways. The people are following after powerful truly narcissistic people and so you can expect them to pick up the traits, even if they aren't pathological.
I don't believe my person I'm dealing with is pathological but she is like a covert narcissist. She baits, stonewalls, and gaslights me but I really hope she's just immature.
That's you q to get the fyck...OUT that TOXIC HOUSE 🏠👹🤡👺👺👻☠☠☠☠☠💀👿😈🤬😠😡💩💩💩💩💩
i always get “you will never survive without me” and “you’re nothing without me” from the narcissist in my life. they love having this fantasy of people being lost and helpless without them.
YES!!!👏👏
Hey did you study my mother?!
So true.
Hey Noura, tell em they live in a fantasy world and that you can’t wait to get rid of them....or tell em you’d rather not survive than being with them....or tell em they are delusional dicks for even thinking that...or even better, tell em to f-ck off....
So effing true.
At last my muddled mind is making sense out of all of what has been going on for the past 50 years.
Thank you so much Doctor Ramani, for giving me this knowledge & insight. Now it is time for me to somehow rebuild myself, and move on from all this. At age 74 with no health issues maybe I have a few years left to enjoy total happiness.
Valerie Ward,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
isn't it freeing.??? 67 years for me to realize I am not insane or emotionally damaged..
My youngest sister’s behaviours and comments were odd and I consistently felt like I was being provoked/baited for no apparent reason. There was constant smirking and she started calling herself the number 1 daughter. Really odd. Once I started researching her behaviours, I found Dr Ramani’s videos which are a godsend. Educating yourself is liberating.
❤️👏
I just turned 55, and feeling as though I learned so much too late. Also I at least did and still having to learn more as the ex that had me searching, and finding, apparently...? Wasn't enough for me to have avoided, again the experience, coming through this insanity, yes, again. Thank you for your post. When will I finally learn?
I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't help me (to feel better that others are later in life are learning this, as well) but it does give me a sense of camaraderie.
Dear God so true. My mother did this the other day. I just learned about grey rock.. so I wasn't giving her the response she was looking for. Then she started the baiting, she started making passive aggressive statements about me my husband and I just kept you know ignoring it. So she just kept it up all day because she lives with me I take care of her. I finally just snapped and started yelling and I can still see her face the moment I started getting upset.. it was like I gotcha. She got so calm, kinda smiled and called me crazy. Done this to me my whole life.
She doesn’t need care from you
@@msmanager2775 seriously. I'd send her to live elsewhere.
@@blktauna that’s the next course of action
Jeez, that's misery. I'm with the other commenters, find another situation for her, this is taking years from your life.
Them
Witches call themselves mothers! Is she dead yet ?
People are messed up. I wish I was a dolphin.
Dolphins can be real jerks too
I became a dolphin and I'm not a jerk. Me and my dolphin friends are always smiling and we have lots of fun. It you get the chance, become a dolphin, I did and I haven't looked back.
Dolphins are messed up too ya know 🐬
You can identify as a dolphin, but you'll have to be one of the infamous adapted-to-land dolphins.
The watchful hunter...😂..me too.
Listen for the condescending words, folks. Narcissists LOVE to make you feel so small as if you are some whining little child they have to correct or, God forbid, placate just to shut you up.
This video triggered my anxiety. Flashbacks!...It made my stomach turn.
The epitome of evil!
Rebecca Buschhorn Yup it made me recognize the behaviors as *abuse*
Rebecca Buschhorn Yes! It was..😢
Me too the examples are so accurate. They act like 3 year olds in grown adults bodies. I am currently separated from my ex and this is helping to remind me what I hated about our relationship.
@Rebecca Buschhorn pretty much it in a nutshell. i wish you the best my friend.
Same here! I want to listen and learn. In the beginning,, my anxiety would kick in, my hands would tremble! Better now, cuz I know better !!!
When you say “they go after what makes you anxious” as a sa survivor my ex told me he got r*ped to get me to react after we’d gone no contact. It was horrendous. You are right - NOTHING is sacred to them. They just want you emotionally hooked and they use ANYTHING. It was like something from a horror movie realizing this.
Literally NOTHING is sacred to them. I remember during an argument, his eyes turned black and he told me I deserved all the abuse I had gotten from my ex. It was my fault and it happened bc I talk too much and he probably couldn’t stand me. Among other things… in that moment I realized that he wasn’t a normal person. It wasn’t me being “difficult” “argumentative” or any of the other things he told me I was. No normal person says that. They keep pushing until they see the hurt in your eyes. Then they just smirk. It’s like a demon is looking back at you.
A flying monkey 🐒 of an ex narc used to keep tab on me. He told me the narc was in hospital coz of severe fever. I told him the narc could go and die 😂. The monkey 🐒 stopped talking about that.
My ex pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have a miss carriage to suck me back in....yeah they can go that low. I can't wait to see if my wife is going to go lower...she did try to have me arrested 5 times in 2 months for fake domestic charges....
holly! you have some major wife issues. I would have at least installed multiple cameras inside out if not moving out before she makes one of those charges stick. @@Ballpython77
In the year before I left, I was still struggling to "fix" the relationship, and would try very calmly to discuss our issues, being as rational and understanding as I could be--but he would twist and invalidate my words, shift blame onto me, deny anything he didn't like, gaslight me, and poke and poke--and I'd struggle to stay calm, but little by little I'd get terribly frustrated, until I'd finally be in helpless tears. At which point he'd declare "you're too upset, I can't talk to you like this" and walk out. I had no idea that was actually his objective until I saw this video.
I hear ya, she told me let's have a discussion or talk if someone feels offended or hurt right? so I'd be honest; say things like "okay, what you said kind of hurt my feelings" or I feel this or that way, I'd try to be civil and have a discussion she'd flip and say its all over, it wont work! its the end! I'm like were just having a discussion here? why are you catastrophic? and the day before I had to walk away, I said "I am sorry it didn't work out".. her response was a personal attack on my character, is that really your final words? insulting me? glad I left
This happens every time. You cannot fix anything with these people.
Wow, my ex did exactly the same! He always felt "attacked" even with a calm voice. He was very argumentative. Glad I left when I did.
exactly and it isso fucking frustrating makes me want to pull my hair
Completely relate. I knew something was wrong when trying to have legitimate healthy and balanced communication constantly left me feeling confused and like others have pointed out like I was "going crazy" it is their game. They cannot do healthy communication. And they make it everyone else's problem and abuse in response to that. They punish you for healthy communication. There is no conclusion, ever. And they'll blame you for not having reached said conclusion. Crazy making is the word and its definitely true.
I watch these videos to remind myself of the many angles of a narcissist. Never again will a narcissist control me. I'm too educated.
"they are petty tyrants" END OF STORY!!! VERY TRUE!
OMG! I could never put a finger on what MY problem was after years of on and off therapy. Now I know I came from a narcissistic family. Dr. R. is helping me make breakthroughs with her informative videos. I am depressed and highly upset realizing what a toxic family I grew up in; never being able to shine or reach my potential, being berated, picking partners that continued the family legacy...no more. I have the right to heal, to be a fully realized human being, and be happy without someone trying to kill my joy. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart.
I hope you're doing ok now. I just realized I've been sabotaged by the people I thought loved me as well but I am determined to start doing the things I want. I'll be starting with studying and giving my energy to people that actually love me.
The problem I see, Is that it’s easy to repeat these relationships to one degree or another because it feels normal.
Hang in there Pumpkin. There are good and kind people out there that don't have to struggle with everyone so much. You deserve love and you deserve peace.
Aligning with you! 🤗💕🦋
I had the same situation. It's like you can't put your finger on it, but never allowed to shine and punished if it wasn't done their way. Not necessarily the right way but their way only - without rhyme or reason.
Or in other words: a narcissist is a sadist.
Juliet Tailor yep. You said it.
Yeeeaaas, I could see the sick pleasure he got out of it if I finally did flip out. Twisted
Bingo!
Absolutely...I believe narcs are sadist 💯%...quite wicked.
Julie; exactly!
Narcissists like a reaction. So your advice about not giving one is great. Never doubt your worth....they will try everything to break you down and doubt your value. Don't let them! Stay strong!
It works. Did this a few weeks ago and he went berserk. Said he had a bad feeling like if I was manipulating him. It was classic. Cut him off the same night after he straight out told me to "shut the f*ck up". That was the last straw.
I would love if more therapists could be direct with their clients when they see this happening and explain the kind of mess they are in.
Right ?! This makes me so angry. My therapist wants me to "figure it out on my own" and I suffer so much unnecessary stuff because they refuse to tell me beforehand !
Every therapist I've ever been to in the past has been a complete and utter waste of time and a copay. Nobody wants to help you they just want to collect the money and keep you coming back time and time again while you sit there and talk the entire session with out them offering any concrete advice
My narcissistic abuser sibling is a psychologist now.
I just stopped seeing a therapist, the longer it went on the more it was obvious she has lots of narcissistic traits. I feel disappointed with myself for falling into the same narc trap again! I wasn't expecting a therapist to be that way.
Best explanation of what is really happening
"Once they've stepped away, once they've disappeared, the moment you're alone, cry and yell it out. Just don't let them see it. Don't give them that satisfaction." What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you'll ever have. And it's ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn't matter how old you are. You can do it!
Well said and well done. I do that, and then when I'm in my own space I call all my friends up and talk it through with them, since they are all healthy people who can discuss stuff without wigging out. LOL.
I drew a line, when he tries to pick a fight, now. I just tell him, I refuse to argue, if you continue, I will leave. I have no close friends here, as I moved from my hometown to be with him. I get in my own car and just leave for a few hrs. I get something to eat or walk around in the park. I was being baited all the time. He made a comment to me and it shook Me. He said “I wish I could have known you earlier so I could train you”. I am not a dog or a monkey. Thank you!! He says I am crazy, I may be, but not on this subject. He gets mad, throws things, cusses and tells me, I caused it and accused me of lying and drinking behind his back. He finds my journal, not anymore, he takes pictures, recorded when I lost it and denies getting on my phone to try to get ammunition to start a fight and then wants sex after he has made me feel so useless. No more, will he control the real me.
Amen.
True that
letting roll everything of your back....
thats exactly what they do. Its not a shield like some people have. No this is different. Its far from a shield. And as i write about it... they dont let it roll of their back.,. no... they absorb it. Because its supply. Any attention in any kind of form is supply to them. Which gets absorbed into blackness. Which is what u feel. They replace u with that blackness while they feed it with your soul.
When I start feeling confused in any relationship I immediately get that little vibe that something is wrong with this situation and I really observe the actions of the person I'm dealing with.
You are so spot on. They are so good at blaming you, criticising you all the while doing outrageous things as everyone is looking at you.
Me2, I started listening to my gut.
That's a good one to remember.
Rick: they are toxic sick twisted dark people. Like the devil in disguise (in public) as an angel, then just acts like the devil at home or in the car when no one is around including texts. Very poor prognosis that they will ever change - usually they are beyond help.
This video is so accurate that it triggers my PTSD and makes me feel nauseous. Thank you for the insight. Now I know what I've observed is not just my imagination running wild but legitimately problems that need strict boundaries.
These videos are so validating ! And comforting! These people are sick ! To want to break someone like this is sick.
I find that these videos make my blood pressure go up a little bit because of the memories. But they are also very cathartic in the education that it gives and helps me to understand what I went through for so many years.
@@Freedom-Fighter1 : The same with me. Every time I decide to watch some of these channels I get overwhelmed by memories and run the other way. I end up sticking my head in the sand, yet again. How are you getting beyond this reaction? Maybe at my age it's just not worth delving back into the pain. After all....my narcissist is FINALLY dead.
I have several ptsd also and live with a narcissistic sadist of a grandmother. I understand your pain. Hang in there and listen to Dr. Romani! She really knows her stuff!
i find these videos triggering but also very comforting. they offer me some light in the wake of a dark dark past. Thank you all for letting me know i am not alone . Much love
Gaslighting from my narc when I get upset: "I sense that you have a deep seeded root of bitterness based on imaginary offences" ~ that's crazy-making right there!
@CG : run !
It will only get worse from there.
My mom says something VERY similar.
Get away now no matter how strong you are you will start to believe them
He’s literally describing himself 🙂
They know your weak spots sonvif you don't know about gaslighting it can make you seriously insane
My Narc sister sent me a message last week that could have wiped the floor with my mind
It was TEXTBOOK gaslighting
So I just cut contact - I'm sad but so glad I don't have all that mind fuck and unkindness to deal with any more
If I don't see her again it will be too soon
I went through it constantly with my ex. After 14 years I’d had enough and divorced. My house was so peaceful after that. It was almost eerily quiet with nobody picking fights constantly.
I HATE fighting. No reason for it. But now I know why! Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Getting ready to go through the process myself. She has changed. She is not yelling, cursing, at the dogs and other issues. She knows it's coming so she is trying to be "good".
It won't last. They know what good is, but can't stay with it.
Sometimes narcissist insinuate themselves in your lifes when a tragedy happens. You're grateful at first they were there for you but you soon see it was a ploy.
This is so true. The word insinuate is spot on. They love to manoeuvre themselves centre stage when all those heightened emotions are flowing for them to feed off of... Sick bastards. I maintain that the whole Dracula franchise came about as a story analogy of Narcs.
Know that.
Their generosity it's a bank loan, they will ask for the money back plus interest
I used to have a “friendship” that ended in constant baiting. I didn’t know what NPD was at the time, I just knew that I was sick of the constant confusion due to her ever changing behavior and mind games. I eventually just started ignoring her and even doing exactly what she would do to me which was just stare at her blankly instead of responding. Eventually she started to outright criticize me without me even having to say a word to her. It was disturbing because sometimes I didn’t know who she was talking to with such unprovoked anger and nastiness. I didn’t know what evil looked like until I started to ignore my narc.
I'm learning how to do this too. I've had way too many "friends" who monopolize "discussions". When it's my turn to talk, they either switch the subject back to themselves or stare blankly. I'm doing it back at them (gray rocking) now over and over and finding these "friendships" are dissolving on their own. I'm tired of giving my loving energy to as**oles.
@@tobyfitzpatrick565 The nerve of this old lady narc keeps calling me for about a week now! They are bold especially when they think you're a fool !
@@tansyvee1159 She probably wants your attention because you were probably a great listener. Nope. Dont do it! Give your loving attention only to those who know how to reciprocate and give back the goodness you give them. It's hard. I know because our instinct is to be kind and compassionate BUT these people suck us dry!
@@tobyfitzpatrick565 💯💯💯💯💯💗
Me too.. The provocation is draining. Once i left, i felt better however the damaged done and my emotional and mental health is still recovering
When I quit reacting to the narc (went robot) it was really because I was just beaten down. The only genuine emotion I was capable of feeling after so many years was anger, and there was no way I was giving him the satisfaction of showing my rage. Once he could no longer get a rise out of me, his drinking really amped up and he was dead in 3 years. They truly are the most toxic individuals in the world.
Thank god hes dead
Thank you.
Congratulations 🎊🎈🍾 death sure knows how to stop 🛑 a narc DEAD in its tracks. 💀 🥁
Death will not free you, only forgiveness and than moving on will free you. Best, Martin
martin sloan you do not have to forgive to move on. You must accept, but you do not have to forgive.
OMG! My mother used to do that to me! She would get me so upset, then say "what's wrong with you" or "you are mentally sick", when I would still be sullen or upset the next day because of her abuse the day before, and she has snapped back to being "normal"
My mum did that too...crazy making as a child xx
After 40 years I noticed that I finally won over my mother when in a fight I stayed calm but mentally sharp and I insisted on logically pointing out the completely invented and wrong aspects that she mentioned against me. Similar to some police/court interrogation. I stuck to it forcing her to tell me exactly how/what/why and after a few minutes I had her in the trap. For the first time ever she lost the battle and got scared of me. She - the aggressive monster that everybody fears - was defeated and didn't have the guts to talk to me for days. It didn't stay forever, but it was a very good feeling.
Guess what a better feeling is?going no contact with your narc mom...its so freeing
Yes! After my dog, Logic is my best friend 🤗
She was just placating you.
You might have won that battle, but you'll never win the war. They are so skilled and determined!
You must have paid dearly for a challenge like that
They know exactly what’s hurting you, and that’s why they do it . . to get a power/rush
Very true.
I did the same to them
Her final act of baiting was close to the end of a 7 year relationship and was with her at the wheel of an automobile with me as a passenger on a busy Interstate freeway. I had already been Grey Rocking and not taking the bait and she was in need of a hit of supply. Her driving quickly became aggressive and dangerous. It scared the crap out of me and I knew she was trying to get me to react. As tough as it was I just kept my mouth shut knowing there was really no right or wrong choice I could make in this situation. After this wild ride I never put myself in such a dangerous situation with her again and left the relationship soon afterwards.
Chris Billings: my ex- fiancé did exactly the same thing to me! He tried speeding, swerving, slamming on the brakes to get a reaction. By then I had learned to ignore his attempts to get a reaction. What a sick puppy.
And talking on his phone and running off the road. Asking him to drive with out being on his phone angered him
@@jacquelinefroehle3583 For sure....ANY form of feedback, or comment that implies that the "Oh so Perfect" Narc is anything less than that is viewed as an all out attack....and swift and extreme punishment is sure to follow. SO EXAUSTING!
Yeah that's a pathologically psychotic way to get supply for sure.
Goof grief. Let them have their death wish, leave me out of it.
I'm so ashamed when I actually react. I do know better. Then he just smirks and so happy he got to me.
This is spot on! My narcissistic sister (with my mother watching on) would regularly bait me by attacking the character of my 6 year old daughter. My mama bear instincts were triggered and once, I exploded in rage while they both sat back with very satisfied smirks as I “ruined” another family event. I did not know at the time this was all too common behavior of narcissists and that they were playing me like a fiddle. I do now, and they are out of my life (and my kids’ lives). Thank you Dr. Ramani - I am grateful for you sharing your wealth of knowledge.
Nichole
I stopped speaking to my younger sister after I caught her getting high while she was suppose to be watching my kids. Her own three children were also there including her six month old baby. She made up a story about my eight year old starting a rumor at the school all the kids went to and my mother believed her.
My mother blamed my daughter and believed all the lies this sister told her, every six months or so she’d come up with some new thing I or my family had done to her. We moved eighty miles away to get away from her but I could never get away from my mothers constant haranguing on the subject. I should have walked away but I’m from a big Catholic family and didn’t know that was a possibility.
Good luck to you and enjoy your daughter!
I protected my sister my whole life as well we went through extensive abuse , She was always off, competitive slight jabs ,talking behind my back , defensive, argumentative, blame shifting but when I though what the heck ! And I researched the actions I got the answer! I had to grieve her for a long time until I could finally accept this behavior! And I’m free no stress and loving my life!
Lynn Kliewer Hugs Lynn, you don’t want to do it but for your own health (physical and mental) sometimes you have to.
That's such a nasty thing to do! I'm sorry you had to deal with that sort of shit and glad you're now out of it.
Nichole Browning nu Chenango County real estate New York
Omg.... he did this to me all the time. You know the narcissist perfectly. Knowledge is power, so thank you Dr. Ramani. Unfortunately when I went to marriage counseling he charmed the therapist and they ganged up on me. I think our therapist was clueless. I don’t understand how any therapist can be unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse.
Many "therapist" are narcs themselves......therapist...the rapist.
Rachel Hope,you deserve a better man not a narc 🙄!
My nassacist husband did the same and charmed the therapist. Made me look like a fool. I stopped going to therapy!
Each time I - in his eyes - ''dragged him to therapy to fix MY problems'', he came back from his individual sessions with the therapist claiming that the therapist had agreed in confidence that our marriage problems stemmed from 'my issues'. He always succeeded in sabotaging therapy leaving me distrustful of the therapist, ultimately doubting their impartiality and stopping the sessions. I would then however be challenged and go into questioning myself on whether I stopped because I was simply in denial of that being the actual truth. It is such a twisted existence to be in. The mind games are truly crazy making!!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 thank you Oscar! #rocksbyrachel
My mother was a covert narcissist. I ,at this late stage of life have only just realised this. There wasn't really a term for it back in those days. She would do emotionally very cruel things to me.I always thought she didn't do things deliberately. On her deathbed I thought we could reconcile somethings and I brought something up in a gentle way ,saying that I loved her and held no grudges. She turned and looked at me with this cold sadistic smirk that shocked and sent me reeling emotionally. I knew then, she knew and had always known what she was doing.
We all have our own journey, some listen to angles, some follow the demons. you did the right thing, by forgiving you took your power back. peace!
It's so true. They are anger energy vampires
Due to lack of self esteem. If only I knew then what I know now.
Yea they need to get jumped out back
We can pray for them
Imagine how they must feel if they make others feel that negative energy
@@ycannette1 ççç
Dr.often brings me to tears I feel like she is the only person who truly gets it. I'm gobsmacked by the accuracy of her descriptions.
Same
same
Same here.,
You are not alone
In addition to this one, I have found the Surviving Narcissism channel to be a great resource as well. Dr. C truly gets it, too.
Dear Dr. Ramani,
Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how important it is to hear that having a reaction to "baiting" is a natural and normal response. This is indeed where the narcissist is at their demonic height; they make you feel crazy for being normal, while they are not!
God bless you for the impact you are making and the lives you are changing with these videos!
I realized something was wrong with my mother when I came to the understanding that I literally don’t get in heated arguments with anyone but her. The few times I get into a disagreement I prefer to approach it from a very cool and collected manner. But with her I just start crying and yelling after I cannot handle the baiting anymore she’s done for several hours. And generally it’s literally just me wanting her to leave me alone, stop insulting me, and go away and she just won’t no matter what. I’ve gotten better at walking away but yeah still working on it.
It's like you are describing my mother. By the way, she HATES that I am financially independent - for her it means only that I can just cut contact at any moment if she starts some shit.
I’m so sorry.
There’s an old saying that goes: “If your enemy angers you…on some level ..they’ve defeated you”.
This is good to remember
“A man came shouting angrily at Buddha, who remained unaffected by him. When questioned by others as to how he remained calm and unaffected, Buddha answered with a question. “If someone gives you a gift and you choose not to receive it, to whom then does the gift belong?”
@@tyrellwilson9334 We can't change people -don't assume they will- , but we can choose how much BS we're willing to tolerate. Don't give your power to the narcissist and his enablers, don't allow yourself to tolerate that much of BS. Our role is to value our energy & learn to apply agency and boundaries. Focus on you not them.
@@alaaaaa4132 nice
that the kind of sentence that serve nothing, it is an empty proverb, there is nothing to win
Now I cry in silence may our tears of today water our gardens of tomorrow. Stand from Beloveds!
I would love the silence. I just want to be happy. At least your on your way. Love yourself..be blessed you can do this!
@Cactus Flower Yes! Keep those firm boundaries and love yourself more than anyone else could possibly love you!
I caught that smirk on my parent narc many many years ago. It was almost like my narc was having an inner conversation congratulating herself for getting me upset. It was so blatant I just starred at her in disbelief and disgust. She came out of her self-congratulatory trance and saw the look on my face and suddenly went off on a tangent screaming that I thought I was better than her and how horrible I was.
Truth is she was right, in that moment I realized how sick she was, and that none of it was my fault. That’s the first time I realized the sick game she was playing and that I needed to get out. Years later I stumbled upon stories of people with toxic narcissism and Dr. Ramani and finally connected the dots. What a relief to know I’m not alone and not a crazy loser!
Same here. I got so sick of that smug look on narc mother's face; what she didn't realize is that I knew exactly what she was, what she was doing, and that i had lost all love for her, all respect for her ... and couldn't care less what happened to her. It came back to haunt her...
Years ago in my kitchen I was in an argument with a narc and she was saying horrible things about me, yelling and crying at the same time. And she turned toward the stove, and I saw her reflection in the microwave -- she was smiling to herself.
It was the smug smile of someone saying to herself "I got him. He's completely fooled and totally under my control."
She can cry-on-command. Like an Academy-award-winning actress!
I know what you talk about. I also remember that I was looking at my narc parent and I was thinking I feel nothing towards you. And then I got manipulated by her and also got into wishful thinking - I can heal and get great relationship with my parents. Nope, I don't crave that anymore.. Just like that I have lost all taste for suffering 😅 I hardly feel anything towards all the narcs I gave had in my life.
I remember that look on her face as she reacted to my moment of elucidation. I was a child and it never got better. At least Dr. R. puts it so eloquently.
You are not alone. Your story resonates with my experience as a teenager. Same exact response as well. That was about 45 years ago and still feels traumatic when I think about it. It takes a long time to undo the damage that a narcissist person can do to you over time. We are better prepared with the great knowledge, support, and connections that Dr. Ramani and others are providing now. Wishing you inner peace.
even after divorce, i still find myself in this horrible pattern of being desensitized to the things he did. It happened so often for so many years it's like I became desensitized to abnormal behavior. It's only when I happen to tell people something that happened and their jaws drop does it refresh my brain.
You're not alone!!😊 I was with mine for 34 years, and am in the middle of the divorce. Being desensitized sucks!!
32 years for me ! We're like sisters in divorce ! Mine's been done for a year and a half and I have to say that I've never been at such peace in my life. Drama-free. It's good. I hope you get there ! hugs.@@elizabethy2912
When love bombing doesn't work they become vicious. When being viscous doesn't work they cry and beg. When that doesn't work they finally give up but it takes a very long time. True time line of a real event.
RhymeOfTheAncient Sub-Mariner if everything doesn’t work they start smear campaigns with ur close friends
@@thabidlamini6598 you're spot on because that's the viciousness I'm talking about
I'm in the and cry and beg phase now. He will NOT leave me alone. Unfortunately, I have to play nice right now cause I need to bring our dog to me.
If that doesn't work, they may give up for awhile... But then they come back and start the cycle all over again. Over and over and over. It's all they know how to do it seems.
A normal human being with normal emotions can never imagine and get to realize the toxic vindictive mind of the narcissist whose all his interest and goal in life is to viciously emotionally evoke other people's vulnerable emotions and get the most gratification of :winning them over . Shocking
Dealing with these people really does start to rub off on you. I can see how I picked up some of that energy to throw it back on them.
When I met my narcissist, he met his nemesis. And I have mastered his games and he can’t stand it. The competion is fierce but he always tells me how impressed he is about my ghosting abilities and how I can refrain from contacting him and answering him. It’s like they want to admire you for being an independent strong woman but once you give in they will rip your heart out.
That's a type of flattery that not only draws you back in; "see, I respect you now", but justifies the inevitable abuse and injustice if he gets you back: "it's because you lost your strength."
My narc hates me so much because I'm an independent woman too and more successful than him.He's so jealous of me that I dont understand before, I'm more like confuse coz im his wife my success is our success he should be happy. It's exhausting too because its always like a competition for him. He cannot control me fully for I made more in our relationship and stand my ground. So he looked and went for another supply. Only now I understand I was a narc victim all along. Now I'm happy to say I'm a SURVIVOR.
Yep mines shocked because when he doesn't get his way, he threatens to break up with me. I just say ok. Then I completely ignore him for a couple of days. No matter the tantrum. or baiting, he never wins.
Currently separated from, and planning to divorce, my narcissistic husband. He tries to bait me by making me feel stressed about money (he knows this is a trigger for me) and attacking my parenting skills (gaslighting) even though I am the one who has primarily raised our children. I am learning to resist taking the bait, but it is not easy. He is cruel and vindictive. The baiting frequently happens as a punishment when I try to assert myself in some way.
I agree 💯 the environment plays a big role in the gaslighting
Start recording everything! Download Rev app, which can transcribe audio for court. And it will keep you calm bc you know you’re recording. DONT tell him your plan or about recording. Give him a nickname, don’t use his name. Start doing your homework, getting your records and financials together. Stop spending your money, spend his. Go to the clear value tax channel, and get on unemployment and the stimulus money. Open a separate account at a completely different bank (if same bank they can potentially access online multiple accounts). Put an alert on your credit in case he starts opening lines of credit. And remember, he enjoys your suffering, refuse to give him that satisfaction!
Myrna You're so right. Narcissists don't like it when you show you're assertiveness. I'm glad you're getting away from your Husband. They don't like boundaries. They don't like self sufficient people who can take charge of their own lives. I found out the more i can live without them, the more hostile they get. But it feels sooo good to know you can live without them. Do what ever it takes to get away from them. Get a good education. Get a good job. Get a place of your own, preferably a thousand miles away from them. You are so deserving of a happy life. There is no happiness when you are living with a narcissist.
My husband does that too. He used rent being paid every month to send me thru the ceiling with stress and anxiety. Then has the nerve to say I was always like that. Like the bum knew me from the moment I was born. Sending my anger thru the roof.
Please accept the fact that some people, even direct family can and will be rotten to the core
"See even though you've put on weight I find you attractive. You're the only one you want. I need you, no matter what you weigh."
Backhanded compliments all day long
My narcissist is a licensed family therapist, so I let him gaslight me in so many ways because of this. I have blocked all avenues, but he has hoovered me once, but never again. Thanks for this videos.
Oh my...were they YOUR therapist? If so I would highly suggest reporting your experience to the board. Im an SUD counselor who is here gaining insight after an NPD client got too close (no ethical boundaries were crossed). The role of a therapist should not be used to harm others, though even if they weren't treating you they still know better than to control others. Im sorry you experienced that 😔
This is why I trust myself and not psychologists. I listen, but with a bit of healthy skepticism. Most, but not all, psychologists and therapists I have known are hypocritical quacks with mental disorders of their own. Usually, when I meet one, they can't resist the urge to analyze me and point out their unsolicited perceived negative opinions of me; (which are likely mere projections of themselves) sometimes to me, sometimes behind my back. I know who and what I am. One even told my sister to go have an affair of her own to "level the field" after her narcissist husband cheated on her, as though that would fix everything. Unbelievable.... and she actually paid money for that crap. These videos are different. The characteristics and behaviors are explained and it's up to the viewer to decide if they apply or not. The opinion you make is yours, not theirs.
The characteristics and behaviors are explained and it's up to the viewer to decide if they apply or not.
that's what good psychologists do, yeah..
That’s really scary
a lot are therapists. see above...
BPD too! Yep, definitely takes its toll after years of it. Complex PTSD here now. Just leaving the house is hard now. If you get any sign they have BPD or NPD, RUN!
"You think you're so much better than me..." classic baiting
Oh saying you ain’t shit, followed by you need to humble yourself you’re not all that u think you are..” I’m like “bro which one is it??? Am the shit or ain’t shit?” Lol it’s ridiculousness I never responded ever but they will find a sweet spot eventually.
Totally. My father always attacked my intelligence. Even at 8 years old, he'd say "you think you're SOOOO smart, DON'T YOU?!!!" Words can't describe how that made me feel. Villain!
i got accused of many toxic things. narcs are the worst. expert manipulators as well.
@Sunflower Shine the thing is, he was prob around 26 or 27 when he said that.
@Sunflower Shine Thank you. I marvel at the nurturing support of the comments on Dr. Ramani's videos. Luckily, I was, and continue to be, a truth teller. I could tell by 4th grade that my parents were worthy of my fear, pity, and morbid fascination, but not my respect. I'm sorry for the challenges you no doubt also endured.
They also mirror your language and mannerisms that they deem are traits they lack. But never able to do so as well, always unnatural.
Yes. He did that with me. I'd ask him why are you copying me? Now I know, many years too late.
Holy crap, you're right!
This is so true, such as fake empathy; creepy and sad.
In the last year I noticed her taking up my points of view and my concerns.... but I come to my feelings on things over time and by researching.... she's just repeating my words,but Jason conviction behind the words
all the 160 people who disliked this video are probably narcissists themselves
You know they did 🤣 Mad because they think they have everyone fooled.
So true!! Lol
lol... Theyre like this sucks youre crazy lol
Hilarious 🤣
Or racist...
This video could not have come at a better time for me. I have just left a narcissistic relationship and I can finally see and understand how like no other person in the world they manage to get me so upset. He's had months to pick out and master my insecurities and use those against me. Just remember that the sad thing is that these people cannot change and they are deep down very broken individuals. You can move on and live a happy life.
So glad you walked away. Awesome ❤
‘Is it that time of the month?’ ‘Did u forget ur meds?’ ‘Which movie did u get that line from?’ These were what I was repeatedly subjected to for over 23 years. There was no escape, even if I chose to ignore the baiting. We are legally separated now and not on talking terms. He now uses his lawyer to bait and provoke on his behalf. Now that I’m aware of what the game is all about, I let his lawyer know that I know and I’m not biting. The best part is, I got a platform to expose him and he’s paying for it!
Those kind of comments are sooo infuriating! Mine used to say- Let me guess! Your depo is wearing off! Or he would make some comment like- Our life isnt one of your soap operas, so you can quit trying to make our life YOUR daytime drama!
Thankfully Im at a point now where, even though I cant get divorced right now, I dont bite the hook when he says these stupid kinds of things.
I will usually just roll my eyes at him and say- Its a Good thing I dont care what you think/say anymore, cuz otherwise I might be bothered by the ridiculous things you say. Then I just walk away. He just stands there sputtering.
I'm new to this, may I ask, what platform are you able to use and how are you getting him to pay for it.
Patty Pratt We are currently separated and negotiations pertaining to divorce terms are ongoing. To cut a long story short, I’m obviously getting the shorter end of the stick. He has engaged lawyers while I’m representing myself because I can’t afford one. Years of getting away with everything has given him a false sense of confidence that he will get what he wants. He’s expecting an out of court settlement. I have gathered evidences of his lies, cheating and threat messages. I communicate directly with his Lawyers and have exposed his shenanigans to them and indicated that I will not hesitate to press charges if he continues with his dirty games and deprives me of my rightful share. Now, not only is his fragile ego bruised because his lawyers ‘know’ the truth, he has to continue paying them to negotiate with me.
Great for you! They hate to be exposed for the bottom-feeders they really are. I had my own way to expose my sister. We were both executors of my mother's will, she pulled out with no warning leaving me with all the responsibility (and working 70 hours a week) then threatened to sue me for not handling the will right. In the settling of the will, I had to hire a lawyer to create a buffer zone which cost me a lot of money. BUT I had him include in the settlement letter all the things she did: taking the only copy of the will and not letting me see it forcing me to get another copy and writing to extended family that I was not being cooperative, closing Mom's checking account so I couldn't pay my mother's bills and then she wrote to extended family that I wasn't responsible with money. ALL of that was in the official settlement letter for anybody in her household to read. The lawyer didn't want to do it but I insisted and would not relent. Imagining the look on her face when her behavior was exposed and in black and white was very satisfying. You hang in there!
Mine says those same thing too. It's so dismissive.
Yup. They literally pour gasoline all over you, and then stand back flicking lit matches in your direction. When you explode you look like the hysterical one.
Yeah, no, I’m not playing anymore, mom.
I see what you are saying. They can be so good at manipulation. In my experience, even if I kind of expect it to get burned after validating and trusting them I deny it. And I get burned again.
P S. unless you have burns all over after being doused with gasoline , the word "literal" is misused here.
@@j.s.1816 I suppose I meant they ignite a psychological flame leading to reactive rage. Which can quite literally be seen as hot spots lighting up with increased activity in the thalamus and limbic parts of the brain on FDG-PET scan. Thalamus is the seat of emotions and the limbic system is our fight or flight (freeze or fawn) system.
They literally bait you with triggers that light your brain on fire. I have limbic ADHD (likely a result if complex childhood trauma of emotional incest). Fascinating stuff. ✌🏽
I’m not playing w my mom anymore either.👋🏿seeeeee ya
This is a perfect description of what it feels like to be in relationship with a narcissist. It’s so hard to describe to people. Thank you.
You accurately described my last interaction with my narc sister before she stopped speaking to me. Antagonistic, evil witch. She tried after years of not speaking to come back like nothing happened. I am happily no contact with her.
My father was a master of baiting. He always did it when I visited my mother. I finally learned it was a game. He always wanted to get me angry. I began not to react and walk out of the room. I enjoyed the look of defeat on his face. He was an grandiose narcissist..
Mine too 😬 he loved to instigate and the sit back and smile. Horrible!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 Thank you
I have been raised by narcissists and was the scapegoat. I moved away because of my family. I have a very severe case. My siblings have been ordered to destroy me… and being narcissists they’ve baited and undermined me my whole life. Started a gossip site on me accusing me of vile things and others joining in with every horrible lie … twisting the truth to , now death threats. I have tried to get help for stalking and the police just winked and said sorry, no evidence. I have had my notes taken from my home, called the police because they were breaking in and stealing my things. No help. Told the apartment manager about this, but she never would change the lock. On and on. I just want my privacy. Lawyers that handle cyber stalking won’t talk to me. These are people that are very powerful and can buy anybody ( the police lady recognized me and laughed and said nothing we can do) Vile accusations and I’m being harassed by strangers and have lost everything. Anyone have advice? Maybe someone else has been through this. I’ve been following Dr Ramani’s advice and the narcs are ramping it up. Oh, side note, I will not commit suicide… was told that’s the goal. Thanks if you’re still listening 😢
Best responses (only use 1!):
"if you think so".
"Interesting"
"however"
I like to say “that’s one way to look at it” 🤣