11 tactics for not letting narcissists into your life in the first place
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- Опубликовано: 21 сен 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
#8: Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live!
🤜🤛👏🤝👍🔥truth be known! And and it doesn't matter where from, age, or marital status! Even if you just want a platonic, coffee meet, they are ready too seize the opportunity and have a supply list with multiple profiles partners etc! I mean get that broke ass shit sauce outta your buffer zone, 🤣🤣🤣
Kay T - You are so right with this insight!!! I wish I’d known this before but, thank goodness you pointed it out here. Gratitude.
If only we could go back in time on this one, but a lesson learned is one that definitely won't be repeated.
I couldn't agree more
Or needs their bills paid
Never overshare when you first meet someone. You never know who is gathering data of your strengths and weaknesses and identifying you as a potential supply.
Nelumbo Nucifera, You're so right about that. It really takes time to be able to know and trust people.
😮 Oh no, I didn't think of that! I just wrote my whole story out on FB.
Or test them by giving them a tidbit of information that isn't very sensitive to you. :)
@@l4l755 Honestly, this is a good way to see early on verses down the line when it's a bigger problem.
Even if they aren't narcs, there are people who mean you harm and will use that info to their advantage, so it's always best to get to know someone slowly over time.
Number 13: The narcissist will tell you a sad story about their childhood or past relationship...painting themselves as the poor victim. They are fishing for a juicy empathic response. Don’t take that bait!
sometimes you just have to tell them, "well, at least you were given life, get over the shit you can't change". Imagine the face on them when you say that to them! Classic. You win.
The story I’ve heard the most is about their crazy ex
Yes he started off with did I tell you about my abusive childhood I’m like wtf 👀 no and he just starts going and telling me with a whole show crying and everything and I fell for it now he’s my supervisor and I pay him no attention.
Or when they're done say:
"That sounds terrible. Are you in therapy for that? If not, I would recommend it."
My dad have done that to me a lot of times
#1 Stop with the second (or more) chances. They enable the narcissists.
#2 Catch yourself when you make rationalisations for their behaviours. Rationalizations are gateways for second chances.
#3 Do your own deep dive. Self-knowledge it's always a worthwhile endeavour
#4 Trust your gut.
#5 Don't confuse love and abuse. Pay attention to the trauma bond.
#6 Be aware of the love bombing.
#7 Be very careful about using words like "magical connection" and "soulmate".
#8 If the relationship moves too fast it may be risky.
#9 Turn off the gaslight the first time it gets turned on
#10 Pay attention to the future fake
#11 Be careful about making overly big sacrifices early in the relationship.
#12 Be careful when you listen to other people in the early days of your relationship
Thank you soooo much.
Thank you for making a list 💕
I have experienced all of these things with too many people then realized I was raised to have no boundaries by alcoholic father/Narc mother.
Thank you too 🌺
I was just wishing these were written down. Thank you! 🙏🏼💖
So many people are narcissists. Seems it's our culture now.
By the way, I've learnt one big lesson in life overall especially for empaths. Rule #1. Slow down! Stop rushing to say yes to everything. Always answer with, "Let me think about it." to EVERYTHING. Rule #2. See Rule #1.
Solid advice, succinct and straight to the point! Cheers ;)
Yesssss, even in the office. ESPECIALLY in the office.
Great 👍
Exactly excellence advice
Give yourself time to trust and stop absorbing others expectations of you
And start trusting in yourself
I have 2 questions out of 50000 when a get sick a big pitte party …2 question could I be the narcissistic in this relationship and not knowing I don’t think I am because the things you say sounds just like hero’s the narcissistic and Ian the narcissistic victim can talk on this if have what the name of the video
Never go into a relationship feeling like you “NEED” the other person.
Excellent, excellent advice!
Such special advice!! ❤❤🙌🏾
Great advice!
Also, if they act like they NEED you, they will suffocate you, RUN!!!
Exactly...
Well known divorce lawyer here. Gate keeping and careful vetting is critical. It may keep you out of my office.
Jonathan Noble Esquire hi, thanks for the free advice!! I love lawyers!! My late husband was a very good lawyer!
You can't really vet a covert PD, they are build to live their lives under these conditions, you need to have experience to actually know what's going on, these "experiences" also may have a fingerprint, what maybe is obvious for one person isn't visible to the eye of someone else, people make mistakes, it's not fair, it's not someone’s particularly fault, but you can do some damage control for sure.
😂 Thanks for your honest advice!
great to hear from a lawyer. Mine has been useless
Hi yes! I'm also a lawyer and in business, if you know your rights, check whether counterparts GRANT you your rights, or only when you claim them. Big tell on how the business relationship will continue.
I have lived with the motto "People can change" all my life.. Today I have updated this motto to "It is not my job to change anyone".. Thanks and God bless you for all that you do Dr. Ramani
I think people can change, but change takes WORK. So if they're not actively working on it it's unlikely. Also, even if they are working on it it doesn't mean you need to stay with them. Always listen to yourself 💚
@@VickyG212 I agree.. I too still believe people can change but I permit myself not to take it personally and would accept people for who they are (not what I think they can/should be).. I will no longer be an enabler to narcissistic people
For people to see the need to change they need to experience the consequences of their actions. But if we are always rescuing them from experiencing the consequences then they will never see the need to change.
Amen
Narcissists are typically too lazy for real, positive change. They do seem to accelerate downhill pretty quickly at some point, though, if that counts. 🙄
Set boundaries, practice self love and no narcissist will ever want anything to do with you.
Even though, they dont easily get tired even if you set boundaries, the only way is to go complete no contact!
Be the self- loving gray rock. A really terrible source of narcissistic supply.
@@nyinyibito1757 , Especially if you have something they very much want. If you're known to be a nice person, they don't think your boundaries are very strong.
@@notagain779 a very valid point. They can figure out quickly if you are an easy target.
shamanism call it No. its simple, you intent the boundaries. Nop! thats my limit , sorry but not sorry. Place of no pity.
Don't let your kids watch most kids shows. There is always a character that is really mean and then changes at the end of the episode. I make sure they know that this NEVER happens in real life and they need to avoid people like this. These shows groom your children to accept narcissists into their lives.
Excellent point! I see this too!
MIke Lane so true!
Damn, son.
That’s some knowledge.
I agree with you EXCEPT occasionally, (like 3% of the population) people deeply change and make lasting life habit shifts that stick.
I never thought of that, thankyou
Ask yourself regularly, 'How does interacting with this person make me feel right now?' and track it over time. If you notice it doesn't make you feel good on a regular basis pay attention and don't let the person in.
Exactly, plain and simple.
I wish I knew this 15 years ago
Literally putting this advice to use with a “friend” right now.
Your so right! I do pay attention to this now. its our compass.
This is sooooooooooo so right! Wish I knew this
By the way, love bombing isn’t just reserved for romantic interests. It happens in business and potential friendships too.
So true. Just try to buy a car or book a moving truck. 😂
No really. My first narsissistic relationship was with my "best friend" when I was 11yo
“Only the worthy should be allowed to enter your heart and your life”
After all even the bible says 'Do not throw your pearls to dogs and pigs otherwise they will turn and tear you down to pieces'
Yes, yes, yes. But they seem so worthy in the beginning! How long will it take to know who they really are, and if they are truly worthy? That’s the challenge.
@@carolynmccall7592 it usually doesn't take that long for people to show their true colors, or atleast in my case. I was just the slow one to believe them the first time I saw a red flag
@@carolynmccall7592 very soon
@@carolynmccall7592 💯🎯 -
My simple litmus test: If they haven't figured out the Golden Rule by adulthood, walk away. It's not my job to be their life coach.
What's the golden rule?
@@quatzxice "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
@@caroleknudson4516 ah yes ty
There are SOOO many who haven't figured it out. I started gaslighting myself at one point saying maybe it's me. But it's others who don't quite get it. The best lesson I learned is to never be someone's mother in a relationship.
@@kmoy 💯 facts!
I have a 100 year old Grandpa. He is telling me all the time: "Hun, beware those kinds of people who do not tolerate if you have a different opinion on something." So IMO I have a very simple and powerful technique: Say "no". Early on the relationship, very politely. Not in any significant issue, but something "mildly" significant. A narcissist's reaction usually tells it all.
This is really wise - I will try this. Many thanks to you and your Grandpa for sharing x
I’m not going to do this...
This is great advice and very accurate.
Yes, this is a big one they hate the word No. My mom was a narc she would always gaslight me the next day after saying no.(or some day I always saw it coming). A guy friend on POF who I started to suspect was a narcissist I remember telling him no and it's like they will repeat what they said trying to change your mind.)also he gaslighted there was much more. My aunt not by blood who I know is narcissist by the way she treats everyone around her. I once told her no thanks and she insisted 2 more times. A friend in highschool who looking back acted more like a bully she would call me Carrie.(yes like the movie) I would tell her can you please stop calling me that it's not my name. I remember telling her no on not wanting to go to a party. I told her no so many times to the point I felt like I wasn't even seen. I attracted this people all my life and that really is a good way to test someone out early on.
@@sonyvalencia Another sign is when they try and coerce you into doing something they want you to do at times when it is hard to say no without looking mean or uncooperative. Usually when others are around to hear. If they don't understand the dynamic, they will quickly assume you to be in the wrong, not them.
Their initial intense eye contact isn't about connection, it's about being a predator scouting potential prey.
Absolutely agree! 💯💯
So on point this one sentence just gave me flashbacks
Oh my gosh- Im so glad you mentioned this- it would be so easy to miss.
O m g YES
That is how it feels to yucky
When someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and gets really pushy, you better get out as soon as possible
Sometimes push back!
@@r2d2powai91 While I've tried that, and it can be very satisfying, it just infuriates the pusher and it is was exhausting for me in the end. I just left, and felt like a ton was lifted off my back 🤙🏻
On top of that tells you to compromise those boundaries, that is a big red flag!!
They may not be narcissists, but they sure can be annoying af.
Yeah, when a coworker asks for your phone number but can actually get a hold of you with emails… when I offered that we can communicate work-related issues via email, she stopped respond to my emails
Love yourself. Don't allow anyone to define you.
Yup. Only your character defines you, nothing else
True
Defined as human being, planet earth.
@Elle D make a plan, short term goals , those small victories, just be better then the person who you were yesterday. Beucse it is physically impossible for anything to happen exactly the same way twice. So those negative things will not happen again.
shilpa patil Yes, get deeply in touch with yourself. Meditation or yoga are awesome ways to remember groundedness, clarity and self, aligning with yr natural protective intuitive inner self
My moms been visiting for 2 weeks and it’s so easy to feel gaslit and “out” of my body again, if that makes sense.
The fastest way I get back in touch with myself is through my body, for some reason
Gaslighting and the constant silent treatment are the cruelest things I’ve ever experienced.
I seriously think they cause significant psychological damage
totally devastating
My ex narc once gave me the silent treatment for a week and a half while living in the same house. He would invite friends over whenever he was home and refuse to be around me in general. It was absolutely maddening. It was definitely a lasting trauma.
SAMEEEEE!!! It happened to you too?? He went TWO MONTHS and a half without texting me or calling me. That was it for me...
Me too!!
Said a prayer for you today. You are helping so many people. I am just realizing I’ve never had a normal relationship. It almost broke me last week when I realized it. I feel awake.
Oh. I just realized I haven't either.
I feel you. I realized that my 3 ex-boyfriends had something so deep in common. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I realized they are all narcissists. I have also cried so much since this revelation. Narcissism feels familiar to me because I first got to know it through my mother. I am still in shock of how all of my worst relationships are connected. Good thing is that we are not alone and that this community will help us victims, thrive. We are stronger than we think. Big hugs!
You are not alone.
Im right here with you girl, they say we’re empaths and they prey on those types. My dad was king narc his old ass refuses to die 🤣
It will never break you, it will cause you to see how strong you truly are and in effect, will make you. 💜
When there is some sort of irrational jealousy towards life long friends and loved family members - run!
Exactly!!!
My ex was jealous of my cat! Narcissists are soo weird.
B
Right u can't be more happier than them u can't be more successful than them nd they like u to keep u in misery for theie supply nd security.
Theriax: *why* are they like that after we do so much for them and give so much to them?! WEIRD.
1. Trust your instincts.
2. Trust is earned; not freely given.
3. If you witness someone having social chameleon behavior, pay attention as they are indicators of inauthenticity.
4. Call out abusive behavior and use boundaries to keep you safe.
I’ve noticed my mom and I give trust until it’s broken. My dad and brother are the opposite. They have less drama and toxic ppl in their lives...
Trust isn't earned, Trust is self evidentially there. You cannot run a bargain over trust that shows only you lack self-trust, it's not a trading tool either.
I love your #2
ABUSERS BULLIES CRIMINALLY INSANE ALCOHOLIC DRUG ADDICT PIMPS ⚖️⚔️🙈🙊🎵🎵🙏🙏🎼💗💪💯🙏🙏🎼💗💪💯 GOING TO JSILS, PRISONS, FEDERAL PENITENTIARY NOW AT LITTLE SISTER'S OF THE POOR 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🎵⚔️🎵🗝️😍🤩❤️❤️💚🌈
I notice that they kind of leave you feeling insecure a lot. If anyone leaves me feeling insecure I’m going to walk away. Love shouldn’t be something that keeps you up at night wondering.
Yup. Same with friendship and family relationships.
@@Qrtuop : Absolutely !
Yes! I've ended a few friendships because I feel so drained after seeing them. Its a shame I haven't had the same strength to do that early on in romantic relationships
Ashleigh Dukes yup - sadly if you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt ... you shouldn’t 😂🤷♀️ learned that the hard way a million times 🤦♀️
Agree 100%. Reminds me of Dr Ramani’s video on self-doubt.
I've found that if I tell them, "no" to anything they'll lose their mind. They can't accept boundaries. It causes an injury and triggers them. I've always been agreeable and didn't want to make any waves at first. Not until I've learned to say no are they easy to spot.
Exactly. The best test to know if you are dealing with a narcissistic personality trait is to be available and agreeable alot of times and then suddenly be not so agreeable and available. They will most often show their narcissistic rage because they can't stand being told no and the more you affirm your boundaries and not become so available they get angry because they feel entitled to you and your time.
@J A and @cherry blossom It's so true that simply saying "No" is an excellent narc deflector! Dr. Ramani mentioned in a video that she suspects people who are high in Agreeableness as a personality trait are more susceptible to narcissists, and I think that's so true. I have to FORCE myself to say no to things early on because I honestly don't care sometimes (which restaurant, activity, etc.). It feels totally unnatural and weird, but it's the only way I've found so far to reliably get the narcs to move on.
Also forcing myself to talk equal time since I tend to clam up unconsciously around self-absorbed people (thanks, narc mom!). Now I consciously check: are they empathetic? Do they ask follow up questions in the moment and also in future conversations? Are they naturally reciprocal?
I've saved myself from some real blood suckers just by making myself do these rather awkward and inauthentic-feeling things up front before I get overly invested in people. There are too many kind and caring people in the world to waste my precious life with jerks!
Yeah, beware the ones that claim things like "there is no law" (half of a Bible verse, that's totally taken out of context), too.
@@cherryblossom6702 Dang! I went through that with a Minecrafter a few months back!
"You've gotta stop with the second chances"
Exactly.
I just did this! After 3 hours of him begging me back I took him in, two weeks later he was gone again. I learned... I feel ridiculous but I learned
Imagine if we applied that to potty training, learning to walk or, building things...
@@keelyjohnson630 This is not at all what they meant and I think you know that.
@@taylorschahn5596 yes exactly, there was the con jobs that jumped on the band wagon to own everything... That is what wrecked things is the "I'm" the boss when it is always the whole
It's been less than a week, and he's like a battering ram, over the top love bombing. As soon as I showed this potential partner my boundaries, the mind fuckery began. Dude got exposed, now he just sends me insults, and that's in less than a week lol
Taking a bow. I'm so proud of myself, he kinda seemed perfect 😁
👏👏👏
Comparing lovebombing to a battering ram is absolutely perfect. That's what it is.
@@lisarochwarg4707 Yup!! 😎
WELL done, on seeing through this LOSER.....and BEWARE..... There's a LOT more to come!!!!!
Good for you!💪🏼👏
BEWARE of MUSIC!!! If someone love bombs you through music - carefully selected songs with just the right lyrics - be on guard! Narcs only have cold empathy, so they like to use music, which has a DEEP affect on the human psyche, to dupe you into thinking that the emotions that the songs create in you are the emotions they feel for you - they’re not!! This is a super effective narc tool that I’ve never heard anyone on RUclips talk about, but I’ve experienced it and so have several people I know. Also... don’t be afraid to be judgmental; there’s such a thing as good judgement. Red flags are a gift that tell you when to get out or away... don’t ignore them or you’ll live to regret it. PS, the concept of soul mates isn’t real. It’s difficult for some to accept that, but the sooner you do, the better off you’ll be. ❤️
My ex did this to me with music, wow I never thought it was another narc trait.
THIS!!! Because it’s so true and undervalued as how it can really mess with a person’s life. Just by listening to songs/words.
He would fill anniversary and birthday cards with romantic song lyrics. Same as Chris Watts, shudder.
OMG this is sooo true they literally try to mould you through music!!!
Yeah, they know if they establish " lv songs" all the while knowing the disregard is coming they know at some point it's going to be heard by us in the future for only to help them hover manoeuvring.
I'm now 59 and happily married, but starting around my 48th birthday, I knew women my age or older who had allowed a narcissist to move in with them and then couldn't get rid of him. They were lonely and against their better judgment, they let him rush things. Often they lost all their money, including retirement savings. It is sad. Better off old and alone than old, alone, abused and broke.
And one can always volunteer to find purpose and friends.
I see this with woman of all ages, but it is particularly tragic when there are children in this home as well. These mothers never listen to their friends or family, and especially not their own guts. I absolutely agree, it’s better to be alone. But it takes a strong, self-loving woman to do embrace that. On the other hand, my own mother is very old school has said things like, “yes, that man beats her and yells at her out in public and won’t let her have friends… but at least they’ve stuck through it all and that says something-they made it through forty years of marriage! See? It was worth it”
Sounds like what's happening with my dad right now, with his batshit crazy wife. 😢
Indeed 👍
*”Please trust those hairs that stand up on the back of your neck.”* This! 🙌 🙌 🙌 🙌
i get alot of shiver lately, but they are mostly from meditation nad not from detecting others bad intent.
its more viceral gut instinct for me, not on the skin (my personal experience)
You still may need to avoid emotional reasoning..
Omg yes!!!!
This one hit hard, coupled with her talking about how others who don't see the dark side will often make you question those gut feelings. I was talked out of my gut feelings by everyone. It went to a very dark place. Everyone else was so in love with the guy, though, they should have married him, instead.
Cath That's exactly right and my intuition is extremely strong, but it can be hard to work out if it's my fear, or a warning, sometimes. I can see clearly when I look back though and I remember expressing my doubts to a neighbour in regard to a man I'd met, then she talked me into going with him! And a couple of other women I knew thought that I was being paranoid about him. I found out the hard way that I wasn't paranoid at all, because he turned out to be a very dangerous man, so I hope I never listen to anyone ever again with matters of the heart. That's if I ever get enough courage to go there again. 🤔
They will tell you stories of all their personal drama in other relationships and always play the victim and blaming everyone else.
It is sometimes true.
But what about people, who really had so much repetitive bad experiences in life? They do exist.
yes and when given the hint that the reaction of the outer world might have to do something with them .. oooohhh .. that´s not what they want to hear
Absolutely.
And when they don’t stop talking about their failed relationships
Deep down it never really feels like love and you know it isn't. It's like a drug and its addictive. I learned that pain and love do exist together but it doesn't have to intertwine in such a negative way with these narcissist
Tip no 13: when people you trust tell you they feel there's something wrong with your new boyfriend/ girlfriend...listen to them and consider their advice and warnings... they could see something you don't.
also observe what thye responce why and how. then detect if they are manipulative instinctivly
When I finally eased my way out of it , his daughter called me(nor he or me had heard from her in years, of course my fault) and congratulated me of having escaped, then asked me if I needed some help. Both she, her sister and their mother was worried for me and offered help. Good people do exsist.
Was going to suggest this also! Great point!
This was me. 2/3 friends shared they were concerned based on me telling them my ex stayed in touch w her ex’s🥴🙄
... or they do not want to loose their supply (you) and keep control of the situation...
Looking back 2.5 years ago I had just gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist. I was broken, heartache and I felt more lost than I ever felt in my life. I owe my life to RUclipsrs making these videos. If it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't be alive. People with NPD are sons of the Devil
.....and 'daughters'!
Yes they are off the devil
👍☺️
They are demon possessed . That’s why Jesus commands us to pray for out enemies. We do not have capacity to fight this evil ourselves. That’s why most psychologists who do not understand spiritual warfare, just advise to go no contact
Same here! Well said sister! Christina for your pets “
Narcissists are here to teach us to love ourselves, and find love from within. ❤ One month narc free/no contact, and the experience has propelled me into a journey of self love, self care, and just an authentic and loving relationship with myself. Please be kind to yourselves.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. The end of this relationship is the beginning of an amazing new you!
Self love and having nurtured a healthy relationship with yourself will be your narc repellant in the future..❤❤❤
Y E S !!!!!!
Amen sis! I’m in 100% agreement with you. If we don’t get the lesson we will repeat it. The test will also come to test us again to see what residual we are still hanging on to. So many times you hear women/men meet someone that is a different NARC find themselves back in a crazy making relationship. Let’s slow down..know thyself 🙏💕
It happened to me here and I'm healing and respecting myself a lot more. Some of us need to learn the hard way so we get it the first time
Very good advise for absolutely anyone.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
If they shower you with lots of flattery, then it's a red flag. Run.
red flag: don't get easily involved with someone you don't know yet until you can really trust in who they are. Don't get emotional too quickly, and don't ignore your gut instintc. Thanks.
So so true. If you head into dating with the attitude of seeing the person as an alien being, rather than someone you want to partner with, it keeps your emotions out of the picture and keeps you safe. My friend is going through an online dating saga and every single time they realize she's not emotionally needy, the abuse is shocking. It's a surefire way to weed out the parasites and the abusers. The entire time she keeps saying her gut will say something isn't right and sure enough, a couple weeks later they freak out when she doesn't respond to mind games.
Try soft boundaries, see the type of pushback, if any, you get. I was in a relationship where I saw the cold shoulder early. One night I was studying late and he was at a friend's house. He asked to bring his dogs overnight to leave for a hike in the morning. I said no, because my roommate had a cat who I didn't want to stress out. He said okay- but then radio silence in the morning and the hike cancelled. Then I enabled it. I apologized. I was extra kind and affectionate. I "fixed" it. Well, you live and you learn. So try out some reasonable occasions to say "no" to something you don't want and see how it goes. Do they talk to you about it if it bothers them? Or do you get the cold shoulder?
Are they supposed to talk about it, understand or give cold shoulders, I dint get you sorry
@@sudhas9344 pretty much test them early on to see if they can habdle a mature conversation vs. giving the cold shoulder or being passive aggressive
@Sudha S If you've already explained a boundary as reasonable as the one in this example, the other person should understand that it must be honored, even if they don't fully "get" it or agree with it. Healthy people understand that being told no sometimes is just part of life. In this example, not caring about the cat or the potential roommate issues that could arise from bringing the dogs suggests POOR EMPATHY, SELFISHNESS, and ENTITLEMENT--all narcissism traits. If setting basic boundaries triggers extreme reactions of any kind, that's a red flag whether or not they're willing to talk about it. Indeed, some toxic people get off on "processing conflicts" because they like getting to further manipulate and gaslight and be the center of attention! I think the key thing--as Dr. Ramani says--is to listen to one's gut. I'm finally learning that if someone repeatedly makes me feel jangled, drained, self-doubting, etc., that's reason enough to let them go. ❤
Yeah, always say "No" when a man wants to bring his dogs over to your place. I don't care if you love the dogs to death - say no anyway. He's using this as a way of marking his territory. Think of it the way you would bringing a toothbrush over "just for one night." (Har har.)
"Only the worthy should be allowed to enter your life". What a beautiful statement.
Im isolated and avoidant. I cant think of anyone who I need to be with so badly that I would allow them to know my personal details. Every. Single. Time. Your information will be shared. Km going to be a lonely senior, but its better than the alternative.
"Narcissistic relationships beget more narcissistic relationships." Pure gold.
#13 If you have to explain basic common courtesy to someone, walk away.
I need to watch out for extreme loneliness, which made me vulnerable to bad relationships either romantic or friendship.
After two long term, abusive relationships, I decided at the age of 42 to stop putting the responsibility of my "loneliness" onto something else e.g. a person/place/thing and finally concentrated on me.
10 years later, I am still celibate/not in any relationship, have a deeper understanding of my mental health, my needs and for the first time in forever, I have a future. I actually don't care, nor ponder on that future, the fact that *I* have a future after 40 years of abuse is enough. *I* am enough. So are you 🥰.
Oh so very true!!! Common curtsey in all senses.
it become endless shoveling bucket of projection and validation in ocean, its like 2 people on a raft shoveling walleter bucketing water, a splash contest
im tempted to corect them but it become endless and when im very corect they anger out and focus
they dont care its energy and they want it
🎤
Pay attention to the "Dead Eyes" the eyes don't have any emotions to them, and come with a smile. Basically the eyes look predatory looking eyes. Like a alligator, with an smile. This happen to me, with a female covert narcissist. This was during the love bombing. Just bench mark this one.
🥇 This should be the no.1 thing to watch out! 🏆
Psycho pathic eyes too
That was magnificent 😍!!!😉👍
@@sunstar2599 what are psychopathic eyes? are those the look, the smile, and the lie look.
@@michelleambrose2696 look movie. Lots of these eyes. ruclips.net/video/JUs9KiQmais/видео.html
I was married to the slow moving withholding type, I chased his love for 15 years. Then I finally got divorced and met the other kind of narcissist and fell into la la land coming from such a lack of attention I was sucked right in! Single now but what both had in common was their ability to keep me hoping for a future. Hard lessons learned about my vulnerabilities that I had to address and heal.
The first type was polite but unavailable, I couldn't figure him out! But I felt betrayed and taken for granted most of the time, utterly confused by his polite and soft personality. I still ruminate about that one relationship of my life. Wish he was outwardly mean, straight and not withholding the oxygen mask stating he needed to breathe more, it would have been easy to have an honest conversation and end things. It took me a long time to heal, I still regret that relationship.
I was married to the slow moving withholding type too. “Friends “ for over a decade. But there was then what I now understand as love bombing as we moved into dating & engagement. The withholding began the minute we got married. I just didn’t have words for all of it. Now, with Dr. R I’ve come to know & understand what was happening.
@@sumitachakraborty7387 same here. Never had an argument, he never complained about anything. When you think everything is great and you're both in love--it makes a "discard" so confusing, shocking, and difficult to process. Kindness without honesty is manipulation.... I will always regret that relationship, too. It would've been better to have never loved a fake superficial persona. In the end I realized that he had an insecure dismissive avoidant attachment style, which means he is incapable of forming a healthy attachment or reciprocating love, intimacy and the level of vulnerability needed to form a healthy couple bond. That requires both honesty and courage---two things very foreign to him.
Got married to a withholder, too. Next person I dated love bombed me totally. But, in order to understand my father, I had been listening to Dr. Ramani so long that I was cautious while being absolutely smitten at the same time. A few red flags in, I stopped the nonsense. Found out later that I dodged a bullet with that one.
Bravo 👏 it’s a painful journey of knowing ourselves but it’s who we are . 🙏
If they are way too protective of their things, material things, anything from their car to their plants and show anger or even a glimpse of rage in protecting things over you, it’s a problem.
Exactly!! But they will help themselves to what belongs to you, and get upset if you dont give them access to what you have.
True!!
They pay a lot of attention to how much you notice, and also they take a lot of time noticing everything you have and do.
Or if you start thinking 'don't make them mad, they won't hurt me or any items but I still don't want them mad. It's a bad thing'.
I will be mad if you hurt my plants... or any plants. (I am a gardener and love plants.)
I simply feel it in my stomach. I feel uptight when I am with a narcissist.
Kinda like some evil possessive cloud near you. Kinda creepy
By uptight do u mean gaslighted into being told ur a Karen for having boundries and knowing what u deserve best and not settling. Then i relate.
Everything ended up on the list for me at the moment
Yep. I would always convince myself I was happy. But while sitting with him I have this deep tight knit in my stomach and the desire to just fucking run and never look back. Primal instinct s kicking in. Always listen to your gut is my no 1 now.
@@keariewashburn4680 Yes! Like an energetic tug in my lower body 😔😓 An urge to flee in another room, then my body releases stress as soon as the door is closed.
Also-be aware when they try to isolate you. They make you feel guilty for seeing friends. Looks at how they treat service people. And watch out for the lying-be a skeptic-lying over stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter. They will also try and compare you to other people or to make you feel jealous.
good detail; i was isolated by mental illness but they surely abused that isolation, 1 step alreayd done for them! they can hunt the wallet easier
Yes, isolating you from your family. Talking them down. Pointing out other people's flaws. Double binds.
Also, watch how they treat your 🐕 dog and animals in general.
J EV yes, treating service people with distain is a HUGE red flag.
A neighbor I didn't know too well asked me to lunch. She was nasty to the wait staff b/c one menu item was forgotten. She left them no tip b/c she said, 'Sometimes you have to send a message.' She also ripped on the waitress behind her back b/c she had bad teeth. (As this 'Karen' sat there w/ her $20,000 veneers.) I kept my distance from her after that~and, she tried to turn other neighbors against me, for that reason. It was a very HAPPY day when she moved!!!
1. Stop with the second chances. 2:59
2. Catch yourselves when you make rationalizations for their behaviour. 4:11
3. Do your own deep dive. 5:32
4. Trust your guts. 7:48
5. Do not confuse love and abuse. 9:49
6. You are not 6 and life is not a disney movie. 10:49
7. Be very careful about using words like 'magical connection' or 'soul mate'. 11:52
8. If the relationship moves too fast it may be risky. 13:18
9. Turn off the gaslight the first time it gets on. 17:32
10. Pay attention to the almighty future fake. 18:36
11. Be careful of making overly big sacrifices in the beginning of the relationship. 20:00
12. Be very careful when you listen to other people in the early days of your relationship. 23:38
When I meet someone new, I watch MYSELF to determine if they are a narc. If I have a desire to do things for them, or to commit myself to an action they seem to need, I know that's my "care taker" coming out. I have learned the hard way to run the other direction.
🙋🏾♀️🙋🏾♀️🙋🏾♀️ CHECKING ME MYSELF AND I HAS BEEN THEE BEST REMEDY EVER!
Brilliant advice!!
Wow this is a really good one. Thank you for sharing it. It was exactly what happened to me but I didn't trut myself and was in a two months work relation with that person who said he was my friend. I lost a lot of money on that. At least I managed to scape before it was too late.
That’s a good one
Ohh this is good..
If they ask you to do something for them that doesn’t seem logical, moral, thoughtful, or polite and you want to please them, and they are telling you to do it like it’s normal, and your gut is uncertain, don’t do it and run.
Yes. It's on YOU to set your own boundaries about what's right for you--not anyone else.
Oh definately i had this happen to me one time when I was walking. This guy insulted me but also invited me home. I didn't go home i knew something wasn't right in his head so i gave him zero chances. Sometimes zero chances is the only thing you can give a narcissist. They never report on the victims that never give them a chance. Just the ones they jack over. They pride themselves in it like it was an accomplishment.
They have that need to win mindset. It inflates their egos. Don't be afraid to deflate it if they disrespect you.
Anne Stewart
So True!
Zero chances is an option too
Yes they have a motto of asking for help constantly never ending... They don't understand well perhaps this person has given plenty of themselves I can't expect more I should be grateful.
#13: Don’t care to hear what you say or return kindness.
#14: Constant need of you & your time & resources
#15: Ungenuine apologies/anger when you call them out on things/speak truth
Thank you Dr. Ramani!
So true.
I never heard the word "sorry" from a narc or one with a narc traits. Best to deal with those is block forever and find tribe who is healthier so a person can start heeling process. They like to take your kindness and empathy for weakness and do not validate and empathise with you as well. Know very well (skilled) in how to take without giving an f' for you, and always think everything is about them because only their experiences are valid and important.
Excellent additions!
@@jasmina9275 my narc doesn’t say sorry, but he gifts me something then say I can’t be mad at him for treating me badly because of the gift.
I have a new friend who is totally sane and it’s so interesting to talk to them. I’ve been used to expecting random emotional outbursts and having to walk on eggshells or overexplain myself that it’s really strange that it never happens.
It’s very refreshing to relax around someone.
This often times feels like a gift of god to me
Yeah, that too can be love-bombing. It's not always about flowers, candy, cards, and promises.
If they are insulting you, even subtly or acting like you are horrible or selfish and your best friends say you aren’t, they are breaking you down.
And when they insult you and then say it was just a joke. Ugh.
@@helenhighwater5313 - yes, the "it's just a joke" brigade. When you call out that, they say, "learn to take a joke" and/or "get a sense of humour." I reply, "jokes are not something you *take.* If others have to take your jokes then you don't have a sense of humour. You're just a bully."
It shuts down most brats who do that put-down crap.
A friend of mine would reply, "you must not want good things for me" when someone insulted him.
Perfect.
@@kdphotos4691 True. And I've noticed that narcs in general are devoid of their own sense of humor, don't get jokes or if they do they act irritated and say "ha, ha, ha,". They're so insecure they can't stand the ability of others to see genuine humor in a situation, reason being that they have no control over it or over the laughter of others. They all need to be sent to an island where they can work their magic on each other and all implode in a narc critical mass.
@@helenhighwater5313 - that's a good point and I hadn't thought of it, that they don't have control over genuine humour.
@@helenhighwater5313 Their humor is at the expense of others. Making friends by talking behind ppl's back's.
"second chances become habits, become enabling." Wow. I will remember this!
I'ma remember that too thank you 😇🙏🦅
Wow is right!
I'm 30 and have never been in a narcissistic relationship (romantic/friend/etc) and I think the second chance thing is why. If I sense any kind of toxic behavior I either cut the person out completely or, if I can't do that, I put up an emotional wall where they can't affect me. It works every time.
Hi Mary… I am reading your comment and is my story right now. Thanks for bringing it out.
Yep, I figure if they are as perfect as they tell me, they dont need second chances.
When he says, "All my exes are ____". In other words, he's never the problem even though he is the common factor between all the relationships.
That's often a very good sign, but couldn't it also be a sign that the person has been a magnet for narcissists?
@@esmereldaweatherwax7230 that's an interesting theory. I'm this case, and I bet most cases, he causes whatever he attributes to the other person. Either way, he has an external locus of control.
@@CandiPinki I was initially thinking the same way that you were. Then I started thinking of all the videos Doctor Ramani has made about certain types of people who repeatedly get into relationships with narcissists, and the comments made under her videos by people who say they keep attracting narcissists. The nicest, kindest people are most vulnerable to narcissists, and it would be a shame to "red flag" them because of that. Perhaps we could make it an amber flag? :-)
Bingo!
Totally...took me a year to fully realise.....then I got out...
The very beginning of any relationship tells it all. If they are pushy, disrespectful, arrogant, disrespectful of your boundaries, lose them. Without pushback, they keep it up and don't quit. After the first no, you will know what they are. No means no. A child understands that.
Also if they seem to have no filters about sounding self-pitying when you first meet them. People with good boundaries won't do that, even if they are having a bad day or are dealing with a bad situation.
Not all of them. Some are very subtle. Flowers to your doorstep, romantic dinners, love letters, holidays in Paris, long, very "open" and "understanding" conversations by the beach, ... and when you are hooked they come and want to cash their interest on their investment.
My psychologist told me I wasn't really looking for a partner, I was looking for a child, which is why I ended up with a giant 4 year old.
Yeah, people said I was a good mom, maybe a a little too good because grown boys are very attracted to me.
Ainsley Flint ... hmmm does that have anything to do with trying to re-do the relationship with a unconscious or neglectful parent who felt you had to take care of... like they were a child emotionally🤷🏻♀️
Ainsley Flint I wonder if the are entitled little narcissists... that’s the kind that could read my over kindness from a mile away... I’ve changed
@@Amy-tk3wv I think it has something to do with reparenting my inner child. My parents were very distant and disapproving, even though I tried desperately to please them. Nothing was ever good enough. Then I chose a husband who made me feel like I had to keep trying to please him. When the children came along he couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention.
Ainsley Flint... glad you’re figuring things out... I somehow learned during childhood that I had to please people and to entertain them and to prove that I was good enough before I got any love or attention, So I have kept on that course until I was rudely woke up
No the only two things you have to watch for are these: 1, do they ever sincerely ask how you are doing? 2. can they take it when you say 'no'?
Wise words.
So so true. Like never!
How can you tell if they are asking sincerely... how are you 🤷🏻♀️
@@Amy-tk3wv I could tell it by looking at their reactions when I answered them: they looked away, they began talking about something else, they just not seem to listen and you could feel they were nog interested at all.
@@Amy-tk3wv they look the other way when you answer for instance, or begin to talk about another subject, you can feel it, I met narcs with whom you could feel they were just not interested, others were threatened that I had a life of my own. You can train yourself in noticing if someone is really interested and sincere
If every time you offer a suggestion to do something and they say no they have a better idea, run.
Yes. Apparently they don't need your advice so it's wasted on them. Don't bother.
The emergency alert of texting and phone calls had me LOLing and like, Wow! They're mostly all alike!! This was my relationship nearly all the way! Texts and phone calls are nice but not practically 24 hour contact!
And if you never get to finish a sentence because they know everything on every subject..
When I think I’m experiencing love bombing I literally have Dr Ramani’s voice saying “if a person can’t hear you on the pacing of the relationship then you’re going to have bigger issues down the track.” Thank you so much Dr Ramani I’m certain this video has saved me from entering into another narcissistic relationship.
The devil always rushes you.
I feel that the most difficult part is to ACCEPT the facts when you see them. That is why it takes longer than necessary to leave the person/situation. It just is so hard to believe. And when you are taught to doubt your own feelings when you were a child - it is REALLY difficult to accept and believe your own guts and feelings. You have learned that they are nonsense, wrong, useless.
I totally agree
Agree
There is a part of us that hopes we can change in the way needed to make it work, not understanding that the other person does not want it to "work" they want to dominate and maintain superiority. There ARE caring people out there who want healthy, inspiring, empowering relationships that do not orbit drama but rather support teamwork for a thriving life and a thriving partnership. I got out of the nightmare and I found sane people.
Oh dang I don’t have the right thing to do but it’s just me too babe I’m so sad
I did it. Dated someone new. Red flags and gut instincts flaring. Politely backed off and explained I needed to block number for closure. Wahoo! Thanks for the videos. It was totally a love bomb. Then the invalidation popped in and the door shut.
#2 (backwards) Catch yourself when you give YOURSELF justifications to deal with the narcissist, like “It’s just sex”, “I’m not looking for anything serious”, “It’s just for fun, for now”....
Dream catching between feeling worthy, and being good enough. And no you’re not unlovable. This may need a lot of work in clarity, stability, into maturity. Doesn’t matter if you are Male or Female. I personally do not think you can accel this process, if you see how many dysfunctional family’s create these gaps in anyone’s new life to just create new repeating not really sound patterns relationship wise.
that’s how i got trapped. it was supposed to be just light fun and not serious. He didn’t allow that and i went along with it slowly until i found myself in a relationship where he wanted me to not date others while he still was.
Yeah, it's a great trap especially when they are saying one thing to keep their sex supply but include doing relationship behaviour to confuse...
Can u send this to me like 10 years ago please 🥺
I was naive. The “good morning “ and “good night” texts are all it took to hook me after a day. i was smitten and loved all the attention. Attention that turned into destroying my boundaries and some stalking behavior.
Same. He'd send me the most romantic, sweet messages almost every morning in the beginning. I'd never had that in a relationship before, so I was swept up. They eventually became too much for him to keep doing because he got mad at me for expecting those messages or even a simple "good morning" after the first few months. I guess that acting was getting to be too much.
Oof, I'm sorry. :(
Can relate 😥😓
Man! Don’t these people work? I ain’t got time to read a long text with 🥰😍😘😚. I told him: stop it, you’re 57 yrs old not a teenager and yea I went no contact shortly after and he did end up stalking me. Crazy wabbit, tricks are for kids!!! Lol
The love bombing. It is so heavy that it doesn't give you time to think for yourself - to analyse what's really going on
My observation shows that narcissists when they talk about their life's stories always tell how others (wifes, husbands, friends, coworkers...) were bad, ungrateful, unappreciative to them never mentione their faults, it's always someone else's fault. We need to listen carefully, usually narcs will tell it all about themselves or at least enough to raise a lot of questions.
And also try to find in their circle of friends 1 or 2 from school, college from many years ago... most likely you won't find them.
Vera - you are spot on - he had only 1 or 2 friends from his past, several broken relationships with family members, all with excuses that it was their fault - so my friends became his friends - until he couldn't keep up the facade any longer - glad to be out of that!!
THIS! He *loved* to just whine and complain about how so many of his friends have left him over the years, so many of his ex's were so cruel to him, all of his brothers hate his guts, how terrible his dad and stepmom were, how awful his coworkers are. Literally I could count on one hand the people in his life he actually "liked." In fact, he even told me once that there was no one he actually cared about anymore. Only that the people he actually did care about were lost by suicide several years ago. And not said in a pitying way but an angry, arrogant, "*you* don't matter to me" way. He would push people away and then claim he was the victim. I think he found great pride in his ability to be cold, callous, and uncaring while also being able to call himself a victim.
This is exactly what happened to me. He told me that his ex wife left him when he was a “very good husband”, that one day she suddenly “changed her opinion about him” and abandoned him and made a living hell for him and their two children… Also in all his stories about his life he was either a hero or a victim…
“The early months are as good as it’s gonna get”. Spot on!!!!
Weeks lol
So true
At least wait a little over three months to get intimate. So you're putting them to the test. Love bombing can last so long, right. This should give us time to gather any red flags signs. Just like fighting hand to hand, if you move in first, and fast. You throw them off balance. Think about it, thats what the narcissists are doing. Kind of what Nazi Germany, and Japan did in world War 2.
My narc ex and I prayed and read the Bible everyday together. Because of it, I honestly felt he was starting to feel guilty and he told me days before I broke up with him, " I feel selfish being loved by you." "I don't deserve you, you deserve the best." "I love you and I would feel guilty if I just wasted your time" "I'm a narcissist, a coward, lazy, egotistical" "Maybe I'm not yet ready for a relationship" "I say I'm a Christian but I don't live like one." I was hurt when he told me this because it felt like he was pushing me away/discarding me. I asked him if he wanted to breakup and he said he didn't. But I didn't feel secure in the relationship anymore and he has emotionally abused me in the past so I asked God for a sign and courage to break up. Next day, my ex said something to me that I cannot tolerate. This was the sign I asked from God. So I finally said goodbye. He hoovered and begged me but I never responded to anything. I slammed the door completely. I truly am grateful to God for sparing me
You, my dear, have successfully done the right thing! It is very difficult to be rid of them. 🌹
@@carolbell8008 So true. But God helped me. I realized putting God first in our lives is our protection from narcissistic people. You become wiser and you do not tolerate their BS
Proud of you Hanja A
@@malebelomaphutha6566 Thank you 🥺 ❤️
If I may, what did he say to you that was intolerable?
Question yourself in those moments you feel the need to "help". Meaning stop inserting yourself in their lives to help fix messy situations they have created. They fundamentally enjoy the show (popcorn and all!) and if you walk off the set the show is over.
Oh God so true
on point - they love to pair with Savior types
Ahhhhh!! This, 100% this. Never doing it again, the last time almost killed me and hurt my family members as well. 💔
Rule number 12: Stop being so damn polite!!!!! Real manners are wonderful and always have their place in a civilized society. Always be kind and courteous to wait staff, receptionists, cashiers, and custodians. Always hold open the door for others. Always wait your turn. But stop humoring people who purposely interrupt you when you're speaking, because purposeful interrupting is a HUGE sign someone is trying to dominate and disrespect you. Don't worry about being "rude" for refusing social invitations from people who set off your internal alarm bells. Don't worry about being "rude" for blocking abusive trolls on social media. Don't worry about being "rude" for ghosting creeps you meet on online dating sites. Don't worry about being "rude" for hanging up on telemarketers or telling them to eff off. Don't answer the door for salesmen, even when it's clear you're home. Stop using your polite meek "indoor voice" when the big loud outdoor one is required. The willingness to be "rude" when necessary is going to scare Narcissists and other potential abusers away, because they will label you as "difficult."
This is something I've struggled with for most of my life, because politeness was my survival mechanism as a child. It was a great way to keep abusive parents and teachers from screaming at me, but it put me in dangerous situations in college, at work, and especially in relationships. I never thought I'd overcome it, but then the pandemic happened. And now, to protect staff and volunteers at work, as someone in a position of leadership, I have to set boundaries with entitled and bratty customers all the time. I've started giving orders instead of requests. I've shouted at men twice my size to put their masks on, and when they've tried to scare me with aggressive body language, I've given it right back to them. I've kicked people out of the building. !!!! Never thought I had it in me, but it turns out, I'm like Lambert The Sheepish Lion. I may have been socialized to act like a lamb, but when that big bad wolf comes around, I'm apparently not afraid to snarl a little. Now if I can just apply that to my dating life....
I know you won't check such an old comment but this comment resonates so well. I have recently become "rude" by speaking my mind more when other people are being assholes. Being raises to be polite truly does put you in dangerous situations, especially with narcissists. So very true.
Go you, enforcing the masking mandates and protecting everyone's health like that! You're a hero!
Also don't be afraid of being "rude" by hanging up on someone who's clearly BSing you about something, or is showing zero empathy towards you in a hard situation you're going through (even if they're telling a possible truth), especially if they had a hand in creating that situation and had a clear, obvious responsibility to prevent it. Just say what you legally have a right and a duty to say, whatever that might be, then say "Thank you, have a good day," and hit "stop" on your phone. (I seriously miss the days of phone-slamming, lol)! Also, if this person was on-the-job at that time, try to contact their boss behind their back and report them, if you're able to do that. You don't owe anyone your sitting there listening to even more of their lies or lack of giving a damn about your situation.
😀 love it
I'm so glad you finally found your voice! 🎉
I hope you've found more ways to use it than the mask debate. As a doc and scientist I don't sweat it since the microscopic holes in the mask are far bigger than the size of the virus and mask use has been associated with higher rates of illness in those who wear them AND emotional stunting in children (hidden facial cues).
Thank you I am working on that path as well. How to stand up to be an assertive empath or I can be kind but not get walked over. Bold as a lion.
RED FLAG: they cannot cope with someone not having the same opinion about things as them.
One thing that is helping me right now is social distancing. Stay safe out there. 🕊💖🕊
Honestly, yes! I don't know what would have happened with my ex and I if the pandemic hadn't happened mid messy breakup
Me, too. I like it.
Same here. It's been so helpful to cut out all the distraction and noise.
@Elle D ❤
It's been a godsend keeping them away
Some are very good at masking themselves. They get very good at observing and pretending to be genuine. But listen to how they talk - it is never their fault. Don't let them guilt trip you.
Yes and if you're sneaky and present an opportunity to allow then to talk non stop about themselves, they will often expose themselves accidently because they get so caught up in the thrill of being given this ego boost that they often get carried away with their words. Look out for key words. They always expose themselves.
Watch the walk, not the talk!
@@sorchx what are the key words?
@rorolilred it depends on what they are saying. Just the other day the one I am getting away from kept telling me we had to be brutally honest with each other and that he was but I wasn’t (I was grey rocking him and not really talking or giving him information to use later in the conversation), then not more than two minutes later after letting him talk he said “and this is why I am not honest with you.”
So one moment he says he is being brutally honest and the next he isn’t being honest. The key words come out while they talk themselves silly. And you will start to pick up on them.
LISTEN AND PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTIONS to the first conversation because this is when the narcissist gives you the opportunity to know who they are. It is during these early conversations that the narcissist explicitly reveals themselves to you about who they are and their plan about you, they will even go as far warning you but we are often too focused on making the relationship work and this is the reason why when we look back we realize why they said or did certain things.
💯💯💯
So true she told me I should run as she would destroy me...and that she did why oh why did I not listen to my inner voice.
So trueee!! I should've run when he said he's like a rotten melon,looks good on the outside but rotten in the inside. I thought he was.just self deprecating and felt bad for him. Oh was I wrong!
This needs to be taught in schools👏💕
TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!
One of the things I learned from my experience in a narcissistic abusive relationship- love yourself, Respect yourself, Be proud of yourself. Don’t let ANYONE make you doubt these things.
Beautifully said
Thank you! your words are what I need to read.
Thank you! That was beautiful...
Avoid disclosing too much personal information, especially when it comes to your relationship goals, your weaknesses, or any hardships you’ve endured. They will use all this information to get you hooked in, by making you believe they can save you. Later on, they can use that same information to hurt you. Also, listen closely to what they say. At some point, they will call themselves out on any ulterior motive they may have.
Yes. Beware the people who figure out what you want to hear and then say it, and they do it subtly and so believably.
I can't stress enough on this. Also, never ever show them how miserable their behavior makes you feel. One might think that might make them 'realise'.....nope. Not them. They WANT you to break. DON'T. Even if you are, don't show it. They'll get popcorn and watch you....along with the smirk.
The deep dive is so important. It took me a while to figure out that although childhood conditioning may have painted a target on my back for narcissists, I was regularly touching up the paint so my target was nice and fresh. I was actively attracted to toxic people in friendships and romantic relationships. I went out of my way to try to get their approval and obtain validation from these personality types. Ugh! When I figured out I was still looking for approval from my abusive parents. This made me ignore my gut and even blatant red flags.45+ years of abuse by friends & spouses ensued. Do the deep dive!
Yep, it's all about the deep dive. Once I did that ,I said no to people and got rid of people. I too have abusive parents and am happily saying no to them now too. She's right we should all have therapy before 25.
Can relate to this. I'm learning to approve myself first and not relying on others to feel validated or good about myself.
And before we have kids!
Same here. It doesn't help that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. That made it all easy to happen to me, I think.
Advice for anyone dating (especially but not only net dating ) to protect not just from Narcs but ALL unsuitable souls.
SEX is the key. Sexual entwinement with someone whose essence you do not know is a BIG risk. Delaying sex significantly is one essential tool. Ignore it at your peril.
Chemistry does not equal love. Just because the sex is good doesn't mean the relationship is healthy. Do yourself a favor and don't let anyone rush you into sex.
Thanks Dr. Ramani for saving my life. Just left a highly abusive relationship this week and had to cancel the wedding plans. I kept blaming her narcissism and toxic nature but I was also to blame as she had given me plenty of red flags which I purposely overlooked. It's time to do some self-reflection and maybe even therapy as the trauma bond is quite extreme.
Be gentle to yourself. You clearly have the strength to heal, and change towards no more narcissistic relationships. If you can cancel a wedding, you can make it through therapy to emerge healthy ❤
So glad you were able to get out before signing that paper. You have a chance to find a healthy relationship and I wish you well.🥳👍
Phew...you dodged a LOT of emotional trauma, headed your way at the last moment. Not easy to do once a wedding is announced. You should be proud of yourself.
Congratulations to you. Finding the strength and the courage to end it when you did. So many people go along with it anyway because all the plans are being made and deposits spent. You did a very courageous and smartest thing for yourself. Blessings
Exactly the same with me! Canceled wedding and left and blocked her everywhere.
Watch out for people who seem overly invested in a relationship with you within a short amount of time. These are the people who are usually trying to creep past your boundaries with language that suggests you are sooooo good together and ssoooooo close and intimate.
This is absolutely true
The instant nickname..."Sunshine?"
Absolutely.
This is true of friends as well as romance.
I just met someone who appears to be the sweetest, most trustworthy person ever. Only known them a short amount of time and I spotted the signs of narcissism thanks to these videos. Blocked and never speaking to that person ever again. Been through enough of them, it's rampant, we have created a world of narcissists.
One of the main things I notice is when people use the word "Should." For example "You should be more open," or "You shouldn't be so judgemental." I also see a HUGE red flag when people start diagnosing me: "Oh, I see, you are someone who avoids love," etc. I'd live to hear more about that @DoctorRamini! I actually learned about this tactic of manipulation from the book "The Gift of Fear," where someone tries to put you on your back foot as a means to get you more ensnared as you try to prove them wrong. My family does this all the time.
You are so right! My family does that too!
VERY true! I have had this experience also and it is a massive red flag! Thanks for sharing!
I'd forgotten about the book " The Gift of Fear" ! I need to read that again , thanks !
@@jean6453 I have never heard about this book, but I am gonna read now
@@georgewesley5187 Do read it ! It is by Gavin de Becker.
I felt the need to get up and said: 'Oh boy I forgot, I have to walk my neighbors camel!' He looked at me completely stunned! I laughed so hard when I was outside, now I have this line ready, as soon as I notice red flags! 'Almost forgot to walk the neighbors camel'! Best sentence to instantly get up and leave.
Love it💯
haha I love this one! I will use this
🤣👏👍 good one! i say "i gotta go, im late for.. something" 😁
Did you really do it ? If yes you're the champion, wow, I will do it in the future. I was laughing so hard when I read it. Thank you. 😊
Totally awesome.
Treat me badly once, shame on you. Treat me badly twice, shame on me.
Dr Ramani you're amazing!
Oh boy. I was a baaaad gatekeeper. All of these 12 things I wish I'd known. I was innocent/ignorant of narcissism, of dysfunction etc. etc. I was too trusting that he was telling me the truth and on and on. It's been 10 years of hellish dysfunction. Thanks to you I realize the truth. It's over, I'm done. 2022 is the year to get out of this very narcissistic relationship. Thank you so very much, Dr. Ramani.
1. Stop second chances, more than twice.
2. Stop rationalizations that justify narcissistic behaviors
3. Do your own deep dive. Know yourself and your own blindspots. (your family backstory and your role)
4. Trust your gut
5. Do you equate love with abuse\ invalidation \
6. Love mob alert. Cyndarella is bate
7. “Soulmate” magical excuse words can mask toxic love
8. Too fast timeline of relation. Constant need for contact: what happens when you don’t respond fast enough? Or cat and mouse push and pull.
9. Turn of gaslight: first time he/she questions your reality
10. Future fake. They say what you want to hear.
11. Don’t give up career or flat without solid fundament, not just promises. Sacrifice is not a sign of love.
12. Listen to your gut feeling instead of other people.
13. My Personal addition: when they put the whole deal of the relation in question with every little attempt to set a boundary or have another opinion. “So you think I am an asshole, why would you date this asshole” when you say a small thing. So you constantly suth him/ her and just never raise an issue because he/she cannot handle that. Or is that borderline?
Thanks. I appreciate the list!!!
Someone else added using MUSIC to reel people in. I just ended a relationship with a former DJ who always sent me love music videos. After we were together, it stopped. It was love bombing. Your #6. Should be love BOMB, not mob.
Yesssss especially the one you added! I'd say it's borderline
Watch what they say and what they do...if they don't do what they say they will do, HUGE red flag!!!
Lol, most of them don't know how to do..... They are always relying on others to do for them...
This is so funny to me. Raised by a narc mum, as a young adult I worked in a non-narc family and when they told me about their future plans, I smiled and nodded, expecting nothing. When they followed through and did what they said they will do, I was amazed!
True true
Know the difference between dreaming and plans with people
When you set boundaries for how you want to be treated with respect you'll find it's pretty easy to get rid of a toxic person who won't ever treat you right. Set boundaries and keep them locked down and you will eventually become more powerful than you thought.
@C RD : I understand perfectly, and that is why I always started and ran my own businesses. It was the only way I could keep away from these horrible, toxic individuals that would destroy my life in a minute. Hope you can "get out from under" soon!
Thanks!
@@CatherineSTodd Yes
My narc wife uses “boundaries” as a method to control me. That’s not what boundaries are for. Boundaries are to protect your heart and let them experience the normal consequences of their actions, rather than shielding them from the consequences of their bad behavior
I started a friendly relationship with a guy around a month ago. I started to set boundaries with him like "pls call me by name and not baby all the time." Or pls don't come by without asking me first then he would show up. One day on the phone I said I'm gonna straightened my hair and he said no I like it curly wear it curly! I immediately said I dont like that dont tell me how to wear my hair I'm a grown woman. He laughed and said I was just picking baby wear how you want. I knew in that moment something was wrong. So I ghosted him and told him not to call or text very politely he got upset and his texts had the context of him being pissed for sure. Glad I ended it.
My mother has narcissist tendencies and thankfully with this pandemic, I was really able to observe and analyze even deeper about her behavior.
I think the pandemic made us all examine folks closely
Learn about your triggers. Identify clearly what attracts you in a narcissist. Look at your past traumas, don't avoid them. There is a narcissistic wound, a lack of self-esteem and a weak ego behind a narcissistic relationship. What kind of ego boost do you get from a narcissist? Listen to your family and friends. They know you. If they warn you that this person is not meant for you but you choose to ignore them, it's a major red flag. Last but not least, and because I'm a christian, turn to God as your filter. Pray him for clarity. Don't forget, we all wear masks in the beginning of a relationship. Don't rush. Set healthy boundaries. Don't let anyone cross these boundaries. If you are financially weak, don't give that information away. Be very careful not to fall for someone who make you feel like they could provide you with financial security, it's a trap and a way of control. When you want to avoid STDs, you wear a condom, right ? Well, do the same with your inner life, mind, heart and soul. Wear a shield and take things slow. What comes easy won't last. The fairytale will quickly turn into a nightmare. Don't have sex in a matter of days. Take care of yourself. No one will ever love you more than God ❤
Beautifully said!!
I listened to someone who I thought were my best friends (likely one was a narc and the other was the male spouse who severely struggled with finding his spine!). They lied about the guy knowing his past. I asked ALL the questions, questions about the questions, the questions that you think are really petty, about near past, far past, the worst they've done, what they are known for in the community etc. Narc friend (who disliked him) said he was cool and to go with him. Amusingly enough, the narcissist that I was in a relationship with actually isolated me from them (which peed the female off!), and told me some truths about her I tried to minimise. It was narc vs narc. Kinda funny when I start thinking of those old fashionned fighter games like tekken with their heads on the characters. Sometimes the minor things are funny. Not like super funny, but at least a stepping stone of a smirk (maybe!) in the swamps of arrgh!
Beautiful words! Thank you. You made me think a lot about my last relationship, which I just ended 8 months ago. God has always been a savior, advisor and good father to me, keeping me from ruining my life with my bad relationships. I've been through therapy, the accompaniment of my dear friends at church, and I have been also very lucky to be surrounded by a lot of people that love me and care about me. Life has been hard, specially for having to deal with narcissistic family members, and my father's drug addiction, but I really hope everything goes better in the future, God willing. Pray for me, to have the clarity to see the person God wants me to be with, and the strength to set clear and healthy boundaries.
Yes it is our own broken selves that attract this. Be strong. I've wasted 3. Decades on these types.
Yes. God doesn't want to see us suffer. God has been my filter. Amen.
Loud arguments were a sign to me. Yes, everybody has disagreements, but most issues can be quietly and respectfully discussed.
It's okay to Express yourself and your feelings, even anger, especially if you are being gaslit. It's called being authentic.
@@josephineananda i think what she meant was aggressive responce to arguments. As what you rightfully said, raising voice just a bit (and sometimes not all the times) is not necessarily bad, but always raising voices with aggressive gesture even for minor disagrement is a good sign of dealing with a narcissist.
Happened the same to me Kate. I was so embarrassed to see how my ex-boyfriend felt so entitled to SCREAM to me in the middle of the street but somehow nobody listened. It was really creepy how he always found the "perfect" place and time for his abuse. Thankfully I had text messages and calls I could show to friends and family. But if not, I would definitely have stuck with the feeling I was the one going mad.
covert/ vulnerable narcissists can live a lifetime without raising their voice but gaslight you to death in a whisper.. so that unfortunately is not a hallmark to recognise narcs by
@@gigiarmany4332 You are correct.
Unfortunately - most people who get entangled with these type of people , have early childhood history of trauma / abuse. By staying in these type of relationships, the underlying work is to repair / restore the damaged past ( early childhood development ). It is a natural desire to keep trying until the relationship feels satisfying .. There are lots of things at play from within: not understanding boundaries, allowing people to violate your personhood, low self esteem, loneliness & isolation, etc. - The primary issue is to recover from the early childhood trauma, and develop a clear sense of identity & boundaries. This includes having a clear understanding as to what is & what is not your responsibility. That’s a good starting point. • I find most victims of narcissists get hooked in , because they want to fix, help, protect, save, rescue someone else. It is transference. Save yourself ! Go within & reparent yourself. Don’t look for a prince, & don’t try to be someone’s hero.. - SELF CARE FIRST ! PS - do not tell your stories to new people that you meet. Keep them to yourself. Another victim trait - is to want to tell your story to the world .. Guess what ? That’s like blood in the water. You will attract more sharks..
So spot on!!!! Wisdom here. !!!
Gold! Thank you
Amen...VERY WELL PUT..thank you for your wisdom🙏
Like a blood in the water that will only attract more sharks. Excellent excellent analogy.
OMG this is excellent advice
I left my dream job because he "said it was important to have weekends with me".... I was the manager at an amazing shop. 😔 This set the stage, from the VERY BEGINNING, of him seeing I'd give up _everything_ for him.
- watch their eye contact with you (See Dr Ramani’s recent video on this)
- watch how they treat others
-watch for anger or outbursts that don’t seem necessary (even if it isn’t directed at you)
- watch for silent treatment followed by rage
- watch for them telling you how you feel about something ( as if they think they control your behavior and your pursuit of happiness)
- watch to see if they always seem to be mad at someone ( like they just can’t enjoy life because someone is always pissing them off)
- watch for excessive drinking or drugs (especially if then they can use this as excuse for mistreating or neglecting you)
- watch how they interact with their parents, siblings, friends, co-workers.
- watch how they talk about their friends when the friends aren’t around (I once had a friend who was all friendly to everyone in person, but as soon as that other friend walked away the person would say, secretively and snidely, “See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!” as soon as they were out of earshot. I’m just sure she said the same thing about me as I was walking away).
This is spot on esp the talking crap part.
Love bombed for a month, he then threw a temper tantrum, we separated with neither of us contacting for 10 days, then he hovered me and didn't take responsibility for anything. He continued to text me for another week or two and wanted to see me again. Talked me into staying with him for a few months taking a job in a different state. That's when the devaluing started. Most confusing roller coaster situation I've ever had. All that happened in 5 months. So many red flags.
It’s bewildering because it makes no sense before you understand why it’s actually happening.
I remembered thinking sometimes I was holding a piece of red paper and she was telling me it was blue and getting mad when I disagreed.
Me too. You are not alone.
🚨 Yes! An emergency alert! Slowing them down can cause a narc to take off their mask and show themselves when they do not get their way.
Oh my goodness! You couldn't be more right about this! It happened to me. I told a man I really, really liked that we were going too fast and that I wanted us to slow down a bit, precisely because I wanted the relationship to blossom and succeed, and he went ballistic! lol
This was incredibly disappointing and sad then, but from today's standpoint, comical. Such a lifesaving moment!
Thank you for sharing your perspective! I agree 100%!
I should have resisted the first manipulation. Might have seen it then that's sad.
These videos have really helped me cope with a workplace narcissist, at first I didn't know what it really ment to be a narcissist. I started working with my supervisor, and I could see his manipulation, how he would try and use me as a scape goat, set me up for failure, all the while pretending to be my friend, and do what I now know Is future faking, he also tries to isolate me from upper management by feeding me lies and fear that they could get rid of me at any point , that they don't trust me and that I shouldn't trust them ect. I caught on pretty fast , but it is exhausting to deal with. To constantly try to avoid his wrath , pretending everything is ok. I've been dealing with him for 6 years now, and just discovered these videos, now I know all the names for each behavior XD .... If anyone has any advice on how they have dealt with a work place narcissist, it would be appreciated.
I made a video about exactly this subject. I showed Ramani's video here to a friend who has been abused, and she said my video is a lot more informative. Mine explains manipulation fundamentally. This one doesn't touch on that much at all.
Narc free, Can you elaborate a little, thanks.
I love this. I keep attracting mean narcissistic people in my life and the cycle needs to stop once and for all!
They're targeting you, yes, but you're not doing anything to attract them. I know it's easy to self-blame or victim blame, but that's an artifact of the notion, from our childhoods, that, of course, if something bad happens to us, then we must have done something wrong to deserve it. That's extremely untrue though. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and it's not because they did anything wrong, or didn't do something right. It's because of a combination of being in the wrong place at the wrong time (accidents) and there just being so many truly evil narcissists out there, that you can't spin around with a blindfold on, be randomly stopped, and then throw a stone while still blindfolded, without hitting one. They're literally everywhere, because our society has bred so many people to be that way. That's just life.
I always make a point early on, like in the first few dates, to disagree with them on something. I don't pick something big or important that could cause an emotional response then I see how they react and watch for body language or gritting teeth. Once I told a man on our 2nd date that I didn't like his favorite cereal, captain crunch, at all. He called me an idiot so no 3rd date.
Genius! Thank you
I love Captain Crunch
That is brilliant!!
I was recently commenting to a friend how some of the men I’ve dated get super defensive when I say anything negative about their hometown. For example, I don’t like a certain local chain of ice cream here and that I prefer hard ice cream not soft. It’s hilarious how argumentative they get. I figured they were just prideful but on second thought they were narcissistic!!!!
No Captain Crunchers. Lol.
Never rationalize away abusive patterns, be careful if a person is or never had been in the wrong, don't fall for the "love bombing" (aka soulmates and people who are the perfect fit to you), plus do not drop your life and hobbies for anyone (=Isolation)! Been there, got the shirt, never again!!!
Edit: Aww, never got so many likes. Thank you 🙏❤
Pretty complete.
For a long time I didn't know I was rationalising......I just thought that's what love is
Soul journey me too. I’d like to burn my shirt
@@katfromthekong414 Wow, then you must have had one big epiphany. Just like me. After realising what's really going on between ppl we will have this golden knowledge that will help us for the rest of our lives. Priceless. Wish you well!! gr r.
@@katfromthekong414 me neither, I was living with a street angel - home devil. Those individuals prey on our assets (= mining) and insecurities (= pretending to be different and heal them). Being understanding/ empathetic is also a ressource I think. Much love to you!
I only wish I would have heard you 40 years ago ! I think all kids in high school should learn this before graduating . your so helpful !
Phyllis Perkins sadly the “powers that be “ did a great job at keeping this disorder hidden. I’m reading a book now that talks about this back in 1985 😫. I took psychology so many times and couldn’t not find it .
Phyllis & Reign Agree! It's been through God's help and social media that I was able to find out about this disorder-28 years to put a name to it. But I knew in my gut it was off balance.
@@reboundingfromnarcissistic5386 I lost my life and the lives of 4 children to a narcissists , not knowing the power of or name of narcissists, so much unneeded hurt ! to many !!! I am just thankful with true appreciation of this information ! psychologist don't get it and children suffer because of it !
@@phyllisperkins8640 that's so true.😪 God is our healer and their healer we pray.🙏-John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." God reveals Truth to us in the Bible. His Word.
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." 🙏
Women were treated much different 40 years ago. I'm with you on the losses we endured do in part to our status in the past .
Younger women need younger attornies now. That's part of our issues.
It would be so useful to have more videos on healthy relationships vs narcicistic/unhealthy and how to develop them. How to establish boundaries, how to not infringe on other's boundaries, but still protect ours, how to impress in a healthy way our romantic interest, etc. So far all your videos were very valuable and insightfull. Thank you, dr Ramani!
Yes, especially for those of us on the Autism Spectrum!
It took me 66 years to know myself! Now I’m a “Captain” of my life. Many years of self awareness. It feels a bit lonely, as not easy to make new friends at this age!
I have a similar experience and the more that I am happy within myself and enjoying my own space free of controlling partner, the door is opening for new healthier relationships
Yeah it's harder when you get older. I just moved to a new town to help take care of my mom. I got involved with someone here and it lasted 4 months. I have never experienced such a excruciatingly painful experience in my life. I really honestly didn't know people like this existed. The meanness was just over the top. But anyway now I'm focused on my hobbies and what I need to do for my family. I'm taking all this advice to heart. We don't want to waste our last years in pain, sorrow and misery.
Better off with yourself than with bad company.
@@MeMe-od2mg yes, that’s so true. Thank you.
66 years young! I hear you! I’m 58. When I feel that lonely creeping up on me, I remember the days and nights of sobbing and waiting and lonely torture I endured when I was married or dating a narc.
Love is all around. After the age of 50, even after age 45, there are now way more men and women who are recovering from NPD and manipulative relationships. We are learning our own toxic or narcissistic tendencies and uprooting them. I mean, there are way more people now who have been through it and have done, are doing the deep dive into self. Which to me means, the odds of me having a healthy relationship with a man who is NOT NPD have just skyrocketed! Thank you to dr ramani and others who are bringing awareness to the masses!
„You aren‘t 6 and life is not a Disney movie - somewhere between Cinderella and instagram people get lost in a vortex of fairytale love stories“ best quote 😂🤣😂🤣😂👌👌👌
I actually would get really bad anxiety whenever I knew I was going to be around that person. I would feel instantly sick to my stomach, my mood would change and I would ruminate about how to escape the encounter altogether.
i was actually happy when my narc ex told me he was travelling while we were dating because I felt I would finally get time to breathe
I made excuses a few times to not see my narcissist ex and I wondered why at the time I did not want to see him, I realise now it was my intuition telling me to get away from him, thankfully I finally did after so many hoovers and being sucked back into the awful vortex I am finally free but what an awful experience I never want to have again.
I have this with 1 man. But i am confused.
I think i am in love. Or am i scared to fall in love?
He said, his stomac is very tensed, when he loves someone.
So, maybe i feel his own tension?
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 Just take it slowly..don't rush in and take time to get to know him. Don't reveal everything until you are sure you can trust him.
Me too! So nauseated and the very thought of it was so bad that yes end the relationship and get free.
#12 is the most important one. I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years because a close friend I trusted created doubt in my judgement and asked me to be extremely compassionate to the narcissist while ignoring my own life and emotional integrity. In hindsight this friend wanted me to pay attention to the other at the cost of my own life because she wanted to use me as a crutch/rescuer whenever she wanted at the expense of my own priorities. Beware of third party voices. One may think they are well intentioned, but most often they have selfish motives to keep your self esteem down. Trust your own instincts and raise the bar of self respect /self esteem. Most empaths come from disturbed /abusive households where their self worth was valued much less. They already feel that they don't deserve better. Dr. Ramani, please make a video on how to raise and protect self esteem.
Well put! 👌