They aren't jealous of "others", per se. They don't believe that others even exist. Not really. They're jealous that their "mirror selves" ("others") are just as false and untrue as the primary narcissist is, but they're receiving accolades where as the primary narcissist is not. And that's just "not fair", because the primary narcissist is the only real person, and they're the one that's lying and putting on the show the best anyway. The narcissist doesn't compete with others, they compete with themselves, and get upset that they can't even win... against themselves.
@@tygon13 You hit the nail on the head. None of the narcissists behavior is personal even though it feels that way. Yeah it is very harmful to you but it is not because of you. You are truly irrelevant in the equation.
@@springBloomsinAwe they have no concrete sense of self, and they fear the nothingness rather than realize that from nothingness is where infinite possibilities are born. They don't believe they are capable of being good, so they limit themselves from good behavior/improvement.
They prey on people's capacity for guilt and shame, which is why most narcs will say things like, "so and so is so nice," because they only like whomever they can control; basically anyone who will tolerate their bs.
@@marlanaferro1558 Now as an Audhd what would it be understood as I felt like I did it a lot and I was trying to say something nice about someone or they understand my shit etc. (Probably over thinking and anxiety) Like for example I would describe someone being wider than me (I been under weight most of my life), but they could be maybe over weight, but Id think of scale taking it literally were someone would automatically think I'm calling someone fat.
I just left him I'm not with him anymore. I don't have any feelings for that crazy person the Narcissist, he only comes to steal . He only Comes to take all that you have.I thank God because he removed me from that Demonic Spirit.
Me too! But keep watching and checking in because you will need the future reminders to keep from getting "tricked" & reminder you that you are the normal one! 💝
I completely agree. I just want to add that along to not playing their game at all, is to privately gather self-protective data like past texts/proofs/videos/voice records/emails/etc. in case authorities or anyone you need to prove your innocent and sane side of the story to but never letting the narcissist know you got all that on them. Once you got this, it makes not playing their game a lot more freeing knowing you could worry much less of any repercussions they could cause.
@@xsplifficbeats6340 Been there. But no more. I won’t apologize for their behavior anymore. But it’s a high hurdle. Don’t give up dear. Please keep educating yourself. This is what saved me gave me strength and I got out!
Youre right but I feel like a quitter or a poor sport for not playing. Like i feel like im not standing up to the problem. Instead of staying to fight, i leave and become an immigrant
Self-compassion is like kryptonie to the narcisist. Once you start loving and respecting yourself, you become able to start leaving the abusive environment and the abusers.
I was gaslit during discarding. He would tell me “I’m giving you the space you need” and I would say “but I’m not asking for space, I’m asking you for quality time and support” - it was like he didn’t hear me at all. Now I know what was happening
I had hard evidence that mine LIED ABOUT EVER HAVING A DAUGHTER...WHO HE SAID DIED OF CANCER. I confronted him with all of his many, many, many lies (through text) and the cheating - and somehow he spun it into 'you're dead to me, you insulted my daughter'... huh? she never existed! you made up everything you ever said about yourself - including where you were born and your real name. he RAGED, and then the next day, I got the 'I hate that my brain is like this...I'm so depressed, I can't stop thinking about how I can make you not hate me". Wait, I'm now supposed to feel guilty and sympathetic? And you're the victim? How!?
The one I was with would purposely misbehave and do things to upset me. Unfortunately he knew how easy it was to trigger me because they study you. He knew exactly what to do to upset me and of course he just didn’t care how his behavior would hurt me. So when he was ready for the discard he’d do whatever bad behavior he needed to do and then I would discard him. He knew I’d be so mad I wouldn’t speak to him for awhile. He’d continue to Hoover and Hoover until I was no longer mad. How hard is it to send a pointless email everyday? That was his Hoover. Once the anger wore off and I’d have one of those pointless emails I would engage with it. Then he’d come back “scot free” because he always would say, “well I was single… you were the one who blocked me.” Oh god even now writing it makes me upset. At that time I was too blind to see the pattern. I was thinking he returned because he “missed me so much” and I was even dumb thinking he was just at home thinking of me 😭🤦🏽♀️ the way I was with him. The sad thing was I just stayed at home… I had no desire to be with ANYONE else. I had no desire to go anywhere. I would be in so much pain I couldn’t wait to just come home after work and lay in bed. My heart belonged to him 🤮. The trauma bond is real. That is until I finally started seeing HIS PATTERN! Yeah I leave and block you because you don’t know how to act… I don’t do it because I’m BORED! Now that everything has come full circle for me it’s such a cruel, sadistic joke. I just need therapy to forgive myself for all the time I wasted and especially the anger I feel for being taken advantage of.
In one particular argument, my narcissist went from bully to victim and then back to ragging bully within an hour when I did not react to the victim card being played. It was a horrific yet eye-opening experience.
When a empathetic person loses their temper with a narcissist, the narcissist will turn it around and become the victim. Then the empathetic person feels they were wrong in their judgement and gives the narcissist a "break". I would also argue that if you are like an "empath" you will be so empathetic that you often become a doormat for the narcissist. Part of the reason I never stood my ground was because I as an empathetic person who never wanted to be seen as "the bad guy" in these situations. I felt that other people's vison of my character would be destroyed if I did not give people the "compassion" that everyone deserves. It took a lot of work on myself to realize that I was not giving myself compassion and allowing myself to be hurt to spare others' feelings. Self preservation can get distorted by being raised in this kind of environment.
I’m currently going through this! Yes that was the hardest thing for me but once I felt comfortable with the fact that I’ll be the ‘bad guy’ …nothing/no one could stop me. I’m not even an entire week away from the narcissist I was with and he’s hoovering like crazy, he’s telling my brother things, his friends, the neighbors in our building (I still have to go because my mom’s boyfriend so happens to live in the same building)…but it’s all okay cause I became okay with the idea of me being the one who left and gave up on the family. It’s totally fine though cause there’s way more to the story. Dr Ramani gave me the tools to SEE and become aware and forever grateful
@@ERMAPERKINS97 Glad to hear that. Keep it up and you will get better with time. Just don't go back no matter what. It'll be worse the next time if you do. Good luck 🤞
I feel this and I'm so happy I am now free of holding other peoples possible/real thoughts about me over what is best for me. If my inner child is uncomfortable in any way regarding my mother, I protect, and that why I have been NC for almost 2 years and counting! 🎉
It’s like they are actually irritated with us trying to make the relationship work 😂 well. I solved that problem by putting my energy into fixing myself and letting him hate me from a distance
Good. Because if it takes that much work! It ain’t working! That’s my motto. A good red flag not to ignore either. Time is to precious to waste. You never get it back.
Yep, my partners narcissistic tendencies come out a lot when he’s drinking. He cut back a lot and stopped starting arguments. I mentioned how well he was doing and thanked him. The next day he started binge drinking and picking fights again. I’m making a plan to get out, because it feels like he actually doesn’t want me here.
@KJxxoo Same here! I’m starting to get quite excited about my new life now, just need to find a way to do it. But I tried to dump him last week and he gave me the standard pro-forma response of “you’re too sensitive” and then fake cried and lovebombed me into not dumping him. But next time I will be stronger and get the job done! I realised that I have to put some forces in motion that would apply some (positive) external pressure to MAKE ME go through with it also I finally told my dad what has been going on. Now my dad keeps checking in to see if/when I’ll need help moving out. It has put me in a position of “no going back now” and I feel stronger for it. I’m still SO CONFLICTED though and the cognitive dissonance is tearing me apart. Wish me luck! I hope to have ended it (after 6.5 years!) and moved out within the next month. Wishing you all the very best of luck, and lots of love and healing. YOU CAN DO THIS! Mobilise your support network if you are able xxx
I have a covert narc sis, "scary & secretive" is her mantra. I encourage you to make it your life's mission to find your joy & stop engaging. The flying monkeys may leave you for the narc, but u won't hv to walk the high wire of dysfunction anymore. And it's kind of a relief.
@debbieroe804 I stayed in my relationship with the narc for 30+ years married 9 divorced 3 reconciled and together 20 unfortunately people like us value loyalty and commitment to others over ourselves. I reached my limit July 4th 2023 my eyes opened. I said everything I had always wanted to say over 30 years but had swallowed not wanting to injure him and then I told him to pre arrange his funeral cause he had no one left to bury him when he's gone. Then I did something I've never done in my life. I BLOCKED his number. It remains blocked. I've slowly and steadily began to return to being a whole person again like the old me but better and I am so happy now. When I first realized what I was feeling was happiness I had a mild anxiety attack that day but I am still happier than I have ever been even when the occasional curve ball happens my happiness remains. I never even knew that was possible.
My sister waited for months to get revenge on me. I gave her a narcissistic injury just by setting a boundary so she plotted a really elaborate rouse just so that I wanted something from her (dangled carrot) that she could whip away from me at the last minute just so she could shame and humiliate me. She waited months and months to do this!! They have nothing better to do with their lives but play mind games and plot humiliation rituals for some trivial thing you did ages ago. They are the WORST at bearing grudges.
I got rid of the narc and all of their monkeys (mutual friends) since the narc called a zoom meeting to try to convince the friends that I was crazy. None of them bothered to talk to me. No one considered that he was emotionally abusive for years so I got rid of all of them.
Nobody believes us. We are liars, crazy, stupid.... The only single person who believed me and didn't abandon me after I told about my situation married with a narc that uses also physical violence is a woman who was also married with a narc and lived the same hell.
Good for you! Going thru divorce with narc. What a mess! His goal is to get " everybody" on his side, even my family and he goes off the rail of they don't agree or feed into his bs. He has lied terribly and unfortunately I have lost about 8 close people to me bc they believe him. I've accepted that those people aren't meant to be in my life. I just let it go. I'm over here healing and his mission is to get as many people as he can to hate me. Smh
Not every narcissistic relationship is romantic though. So don't disregard the victims of parental narcissists,familial narcissist, professional narcissist or narcissistic friends. You are under the mistaken impression that only lovers can be narcissist and that is a dangerous mindset
Losing your mind and all semblance of sanity because you didn’t get your way ? Striking back with utter fury at someone close to you? Yeah it’s pathetic.
Yea I had to tell a boy today after he said that his dad was "strong" that no he is not he is just large. A strong "man" would not throw his weight around at his family.
Dr. Ramani, your videos have helped me so much. My relationship with a narcissist was a complete roller coaster ride and I constantly felt confused by his behaviors. I didn’t even realize I was dealing with a narcissist until I found your videos . What an eye opener for me! Everything started making sense after that😮. I’m in the process of divorcing him now and of course he is playing the victim because I left HIM. I also know he’s pissed because I refuse to be bullied anymore. Thank goodness I have a great support system ❤️
when they know, they have no more control over you, some narcissist will go as far as to go after your loved ones, just to get to you. That’s how low some will go.
Oh my gosh! My father in law when he knew I saw him began to gaslight and criticize me and his own grandchildren ! I was able not take the bait and just kept saying thank you for your condor and I had no idea you felt this way. Then came the abandonment. Both for me and their own grandkids. Omg.
Or they keep trying to "talk to you", bait you, provoke you, whatever you're doing they keep trying to make themselves for you notice or whatever. I would love to explain what has been happening with my mom since Feb of this year all the way to this comment(6:41 AM. West Coast. 6/23/2024) but YTurd will just delete the comment. Lets make it quick as possible. My mom wasted a lot of money paying Shaman experts and massage people to cure her tinnitus.(My little bro once told me that mom wasted over $3000). None of that Shaman bs and massage worked. On May 26 mom called a Shaman lady and after the shaman ritual was finished the shaman charged $1200. I would love to explain EVERY THING more but YT will just auto delete. Lets say when come to the money issue and after that $1200 I got super mad. Also what make me even more mad is she doesn't follow her doctor's medical advise. Mom is at the point where..it feels like she's doing harm to herself for the attention. She doesn't follow the directions of the urine infection meds, the heart burn meds and she lies that the meds doesn't work. 3 weeks ago I was at the point where..I want to.."self delete" and told her that if I got money I would leave instantly. She called two of my uncles that day. She straight up lie to them saying that I wanted HER MONEY to fix my car and I threaten to "self delete" if I don't get the money. If I wanted the money I could of just asked her and she will give the money to me. Around April I got my car repaired and it costed me $2500. I never asked for her money nor needed her help. Lets say after she lied..I been angry since then. She lied throughout her life I always let it go but the lie that I wanted her money...that was the final straw. These days she keep trying to charm her way back in. Whenever I cook for myself she will poke around and make herself noticeable.
Yes. I was determined to be the one person that accepted him unconditionally, no matter what. But that nearly killed me, because I've had to realise that he can't love me. I've spent years in therapy trying to deal with it and challenging myself, where needed. He thought I was weak to do that. He wasn't willing or able to look inside himself and change, even just a little. He needed me to leave him to confirm his views. I feel devastated, but I'm finally out.
The hard truth is that the person you try to love never truly existed, it was just a made-up character/persona. They'd push you away because they're jealous of their made up character receiving attention/love that they themselves are incapable of ever letting in.
@@upendaglover2559 like the narc carries around demonic attachments. I have seen their energy fields. Been aware of paranormal all my life. This is no joke either!
Yes, on everyone's face including ours the slightest fault is visible. But for narcissistic ppl their faults are way more visible and so much deeper, so much harder to separate from them as it is so much harder for them to repent, to be compassionate, to be humble or have regrets.
Absolutely! Seen the eyes change myself, the face change, the whole demeanor. I believe they all have demonic entities in them, after all Satan was the first.
The vulnerable narcissist mirrors his inadequacies on you. Ex: Not saying thank you and not noticing what they have done. Showing disinterest. They become lazy, blaming and very dull in their rage
It is so hard to be in a relationship with someone when you feel like no matter how gently or sincerely you approach them about "sensitive" subjects (and yes I have tried and failed all ways) like finances or who does what around the house, or child rearing responsibilities-topics healthy couples openly discuss- they end up stonewalling, walking away, dismissing or even getting angry about your feelings and attempts to communicate concerns or just hey, what's the plan? In a healthy way. And yes the passive aggressive antagonism is real. I asked to go to therapy together and he said "why? So they can tell you everything you're doing wrong?" And I said yes! Having someone on the outside to tell me what I can't see and where I can improve would mean a lot because I want to be a better partner! He walked away after that...
When I stood up to the narcissists, first they raged - failed. Then they gaslit me - failed. Then i was called crazy - that failed. Later I heard then they said they were scared and were afraid and thought i was going to hit them. Did it help to stand up? Not really Did it feel good? HELL YEAH😂 laugh and move one
My mom said the exact same thing to my children and to me that she thought I was going to hit her! I never was even close to that! My children are her flying monkeys and she has access to my young grandsons and I don't! It's so sad and hard to accept that my children would believe her crap and let my grandsons around her! Toxic is toxic and will never change!!
exact same here sick of the lies and questioned it they got caught up in more lies trying to refute the first lie went out lied again and when i flipped all of a sudden she was scared i was going to be violent got her sick parents to help her move out so she didnt have to even speak to me about it. 3 years, a dog planned kids, planned house gone in one night its been almost 4 months and not a single type of communication. she went to all her little new friend group and told them all to block me probably out of concern of exposure
That is so true. He constantly attacks the people I love most (behind their back of course)since he can no longer manipulate me. Pathetic and cowardly. Around him, I am devoid of any emotions. Like the weather, he exists and is tolerated. It took 50 years to see the light but I feel so much lighter. The situation at home remains the same but I am changed. His rage still unnerves me at times but his victim act leaves me cold. At 82, I am tired of all the drama. I can't leave but I am no longer his handmaiden. It's not ideal but I feel liberated.
In my experience, it does no good. In fact, they might even try to tell you that you need to watch this video, not them. They make you feel crazy. @allthingscreative4729
That’s what I don’t understand why narcissistic people think it’s all about the material things and never actually get the fact that stuff is just stuff…being treated like a human being is what they need to learn to do….i don’t care about what they get me…it’s about how they treat me and see me…I’m not a possession to be owned and controlled
I understand that. But I don't think they can see You as anything but a "thing" to be owned, possessed, used or ... if they believe You to be the "property" of someone else ... stolen, or else destroyed. Yes, I'm pretty sure that this is what saw play out. But this is no mere Narc. This creep is a full-blown Psychopath. Best, ... ~T.
@@w8what575 Interesting name! Even more interesting is the fact that the phrase, when sounded out, has a rather peculiar relevance to my dealings with a rather peculiar individual. Maybe Jung was onto something with that "Synchronicity" theory of his.
This video just brought me back to life mentally. I needed this reminder that I am on the right track with handling this kind of person and keeping my self care at the forefront.
Thank you for helping me end my 34 year abusive marriage. My psychologist told me that my husband is a narcissist, but I had no idea what that meant. Ive been watching your informative videos since my husband spent time in jail for DV, but because I am handicapped and unable to work, I was afraid to leave. How would I support myself and our 4 kids? When my parents passed away a year ago, they left me money so I would feel capable of leaving. I started the process last summer, but he keeps "hoovering" me back in. That is until the moment I watched this entire video!! You have given me strength to never let him pull me in again! You have been an amazing giver of faith and belief in myself. I could never thank you enough!!!
Narcissists don't have SELF-esteem, they have OTHERS-esteem. They rely on others to provide a positive self regard to them. Coming along with their lack of healthy self esteem is a lack of truly and deeply knowing themselves. If they can't see themselves how can they truly see you? So of course they treat others in the way they do, they use others to get their supply of positive self regard, while also being blind to your own needs and perspective.
I like your term other-esteem. 👍 My ex seemed to treat his family and friends better than he treated me. It was so hurtful. I gave him supply through my promise of unconditional love. My belief is that my ex saw me as a part of himself, so of course he could treat me badly. He hated himself. He used me as a proxy self.
In some ways your concept makes sense, logically it can also mean that when you are proud of your accomplishments and have self-esteem the other experiences those feelings by association. My way of thinking is a narcissist is more like a vampire. Like a vampire they can only have power over you, if you in ire them into your house (your social circle or more intimately). Through wounding you with devaluation they suck the life out of you. It's not self-esteem that feeds them. iIt s inflated notions of superiority. Sunlight will destroy a vampire, shame a public emotion (what will the neighbors think?) is sunlight for the narcissist. Narcissists have no empathy. They are hardwired that way. They aren't evil. That's just they way they are. We all know from the horror movies that the there are 3 ways to stop a vampire. Two are considered murder when applied to humans (a wooden stake through the heart and beheading ) Dr Ramani has outlined your options. The important thing to remember is that narcissists are not evil nor entirely cognizant of their behavior. What they do to you is not on purpose. The hardest thing to remember is that's just the way they are. You cannot change that.
My ex seems like he has his shit together until you catch him in a lie. Then comes the lashing out and victim complex, and it's always someone else's fault.
Same, but mine didn't lash out - he was sulky, sarcastic, spiteful and smug about stuff (often me). He never wanted to show his ugly side, but the passive aggression WAS the ugly side. He didn't let the actual rage out properly: it just rotted him quietly from the inside.
The chaos of the roller coaster when everything seems good but they run and blow up everyone's life. Then they have their chaos at the same time they feel powerful and free!
I enjoy the fact that the truths stated here are no longer shocking and difficult to comprehend, even while living through it; but they are now truths that I'm able to verify and relate to. Meeting these truths and the spirits they really are can alter and enhance the reality of the evil surrounding and infused- if allowed. Thanks again for your good work.
First they act and lure you in. Then they start talking shit about you to others. Then they suddenly have a problem with you, that you didn’t even know about. Then comes the victim acting and blaming you while gaslighting you. Then you start to question yourself. Until you catch them at it again and again. Or multiple people catch them. These so called narcissists are not normal people. Their disgusting behaviour is malicious and gross.🤢
Please leave these narcs, don't tell them your leaving , don't ask for their permission. And when you go, do it when they are not at home , cut off all contact. Or you'll have a crying baby guilting you into going back. Don't be where they can find you. This is my best advice. Believe me they will try to hunt you down and stalk you. So maybe don't go to your relatives.. Block their pH number , Facebook , safeguard your bank account get new passwords , get a new pH number. . Don't give his mother your new details or anyone else that might give him your pH number or where abouts . I learnt all of his the hard way by being too trusting . Then he'll go about turning your friends against you by lying. Please I never imagined how evil this could turn.
I think in dealing with narcissists it's best to work on myself- letting go of my "people pleasing" need to be liked, work on how I respond to conflict, and something that has helped me is to see them as a toddler having a tantrum instead of worrying about how much they like or hate me. Just step back and let them show themselves.
I've been cut off from some of my family because I finally spoke up for myself and its absolutely inexcusable to speak up. It's crazy to think ppl that raised me turned their backs on me just like that. But I'm happy that my children aren't going to fall into the same trap. When I'm wrong I apologise to my children. I want them to advocate for themselves. I feel like I'm the adult I needed growing up.
I'm going thru that now. Thought my child was safe but the influence over 17 yrs was too great. They have now turned into the little protégé. Now I have to walk away from My Mom & my only child. :( So very heart broken!!
I have been cut off. Its a bit hard but so peaceful and productive!! U can always go back and grovel. 😂 I love being a strong peaceful person of integrity ❤
Surrounded by 20+people & 1000%lonely. A different lonely! No one gets it😢 Dr. RAMANI you absolutely hit the nail on the head with this! Thanks for validating me!
40:00 In my experience with the whole "discarding" thing... They want to discard you, but they want to be JUSTIFIED in doing it so that it appears as though you deserved it and they had to get away from you. Or they want YOU to discard THEM so they can play the victim and point the finger at you for the relationship ending ("I knew you never cared about me or wanted this to work"). I realized that a solid way of defeating this and cutting off their supply/leverage was to tell them as undramatically as possible, "I think we should get space from this situation for a while, but we can still be on good terms and remain friends if you want". It robs them of BOTH of those means of supply because you won't be affected by a future discard/silent treatment but at the same time, you aren't dramatically discarding them either so they are unable to play the victim. It denies them the chance to blame you for any future drama and makes it painfully obvious who the aggressor is whenever they try to cause chaos with you out of the blue. That said, they will still try to lie and say that you needing space is somehow the equivalent of "shutting them out" (I know from experience), but all you have to do is keep holding strong and maintaining that they have every opportunity to be friendly with you if that's what they desire. They will reject your civility every time but still claim that it's YOU who is causing the problems. It outs them every time as seeking chaos and turmoil when you aren't participating and ONLY giving them the option to be cordial with you. Of course, this doesn't really do anything in the long run except make them out themselves. They will never stop antagonizing you or trying to pull you back into the drama so....the only real conclusion to the story is to cut them off for good.
Yes if your so bad , why do they want you . Then they cry like babies if you leave.
6 месяцев назад+160
Dr. Ramani, you have changed the course of my life. You are an oasis where I find strength and a bit of my old self-confidence. You have shed so much light on a subject I knew nothing about, was not even aware of for the 50 years I endured it. A lot of damage has been done. I have no friends left and have gotten used to living apart from the rest of society. I cherish your books and they bring me a great deal of comfort. You have shone a light on my darkest days and just maybe, my sense of self worth will re-appear at some point. Finding you has been the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. Thank you.
*Good for you! You did it!! It takes time to heal and re-start your life and that time varies from person to person. Hold on to hope! Bless you; I know your pain.* ❤
I had 2 children with one and suffer from his cruel narcissism still to this day. Then I Cut my parents off in my 30’s. Never felt more sane & also totally isolated. Each day is a new start. And Be extra kind to yourself🫶
Dr. Ramani - you are helping many people be self•accountable & transform individually. I appreciate your insight & expertise very much! Your content is helping me gain perspective & grow. 🌱
Dr. Ramani is an angel sent from heaven. I know it sounds over the top, but honestly she is. She connects immediately on a level that is so amazing… with everyone. Dr. Ramani… you are cherished and appreciated beyond belief. Thank you so much.
I truely have to thank you for your videos. I have had a struggle with a brother for 2 years on the farm that is transitioning to us. I have been so abused and had no idea why. I stumbled on one of your videos, and then I realized what was happening. Everyone thinks I'm the asshole, or the difficult one. In reality, I was just trying to step up for myself and not realizing it is the worst thing I could do. It just unleashes a monster that totally plays the victim. Again, thank you so much, I am now going forward with a new path of how to deal with this. I don't think it will be easy, but with the right people at my side, I should get through it.
I have been a fan for nearly a decade. Your insight into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse has been honed and deepened exponentially. Survivors like me are super fortunate to have access to your knowledge and wisdom. Thank you.
Evidence and receipts. If there’s no proof, take what they say with a grain of salt. I had to learn this the hard way, and eventually got proof for my claims that I married an abusive narcissist. Nobody questions it now!
Dr. Ramani hands down is thee expert on narcissism and narcissistic persons and their relationships and this video is again, spot on. I can't thank her enough for all her help (videos/posts/media/etc) in coping and managing my hostile, narcissistic marriage. From the bottom of my heart Dr. Ramani, thank you.
Several of my siblings pull this bully/victim technique and I no longer fall for it so now I'm labelled as cold, uncaring and selfish. When I've called them out they will fly into a rage. It's so strange to watching what they are doing and understanding their manipulative behavior when I didn't see it before. I am now able to keep from getting pulled into their chaos. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you are doing. 🙏🙏🙏
It took me forever to recognize the narcissist leading the dysfunction in my family of origin. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I see it now. I don't participate and that's made me the scapegoat/ignored family member. It's been a hard road, but I'm adapting to the new reality. It is reality!
@@bethj9952 I'm 51 and feel as though I was blind to my family dysfunction all my life. I felt like something wasn't right but didn't know what that something was. Also I know I don't think I would have accepted the truth of my family when I was younger because I didn't see them for who/what they really are. It's difficult being the scapegoat and I find my peace in art and spending time with people that respect and love me. I wish you the best.
@@bethj9952I empathize.. I'm the youngest of 6, and all of my sinblings are abusive narcissists. My Mom is an enabler, and I'm the punching bag/scapegoat and now am the bad guy "making all the walls" because I've finally stood up for myself. I don't really have anyone now - even my 'best friend' of 25 years I let back in one final time saying he found God, proved to be just the same and talked to my eldest sister more than me, and thought it was fine to abandon me on my birthday because his wife didn't like me. He 'wanted to choose his battles' and would only see me if it was convenient for them, like if they were going to walmart nearbny etc. I let him go since I found he didn't change, either. I'm still trying to re-orient my life and it's been a couple of years.... it's not going well, and I feel very lonely a lot of the time. But it's much better than feeling hurt alone and sad in a room full of people, and feeling like I'm a terrible person for being sad about abuse flung at me.
Yep 100%. When I stopped tolerating the physical and emotional abuse, he totally lost it. Shame, rage, victimization, all of the above. I got a protection order and divorced him. I’m on my healing journey and life is so much more peaceful now. ❤
The narcissist will attack you by the persons and objects you most love: your children, your home, your car, your bankaccount, your hopes, your dreams. If necessary with legal help.
Stealing my dog when she was supposed to be caring for him was bad until he had to be put down and then I got called after he couldn't eat for three days. He had cancer.
@@lisakeller9105I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Praying for God to give you the Peace & freedom you deserve. Truly heartbreaking about your dog. These people can be so cruel. It's just unbelievable how they can treat other human beings & animals. Especially the ones who truly love them. Stay strong, you're not alone.
She is attacking our children. Their own mother treats them like objects to move at her disposal. We split a year ago and it pains me to know my girls are getting treated like ish.
My husband is jealous of my son.He has repeatedly told me "he sees things" and has now accused me of having a sexual relationship with him.He has told me my son comes and visits too much ect.l am so fu$king confused.Iam 60 years old.l can't believe l am going to get a divorce over my husband's crazy decisions.We are in financial problems and he just took me off our bank account .lam afraid in my own house now that l told him l had been recording him yelling at me to see if l was crazy.
I collected narcs like charms on a bracelet because of childhood trauma. The ones that are left in my life don't seem to understand why I now find their behavior disgusting and leave when they rage or act like spoiled children. I just leave.
@@SpiritualMomsOnTheSpectrum They can take over your life , in many ways disempowering , financially emotionally. These chameleons are very deceptive and manipulative.
I am not ready to leave yet :( but Holy cow these videos are very eye opening. I will be working on self preservation for myself and my kids. I need to end these cycles, he literally rages at least once a week.
Dr. R....thank you for assisting in my healing. I particularly appreciated your ending to this program. The kind words about when we can treat ourselves with kindness and have healed enough to let the other person go, but wishing then healing and love as well.... Healing is quite a process, having said that....I feel it starts within our selves....and then it can ripple out to others on the Planet... Hugs, Calli in Canada
Yeah, ridiculous! I brought up trust issues with my ex, and he said, "when we go shopping I don't question what you buy" I mean, seriously dude, what does that even have to do with trust? 🤔
They are either center of the universe or whiny victim. Their eyes go down, mouth pouts....then say, "i was confused...i literally thought you were going to do it...i practically just thought of it yesterday...why are you fighting me...then the long sad silent stare....waiting to see your anger response. Yuk...that long silent pitiful nasty stare.
49:09 “Allowing yourself to be harmed in the name of love ISN’T love!” 50:57 “…keep in mind that self-compassion is like kryptonite against the charms of the narcissist… the narcissist is rendered powerless and you can finally walk away.”
I’m so glad you said they’re not 2 people. I believed they were for so long. So this means they’re always playing a game with you. Even in the “good times”.
Flying Monkeys are such a huge trap! My narcissistic mother is dying of cancer and I’m on the other end of the country. All the flying monkeys are telling me one thing and then doing another. They are constantly winding each other up in a bid to please my mom, then they call me to let me know how bad the other monkeys are being. When all else fails, they tell my mother how hard it is because I’m making all the plans. Then the deathbed narcissist calls me from the hospital to ask why I’m being so mean and to just let her make all the decisions from her deathbed. Aaaaaarrrrggg! Half the time she doesn’t even know where she is but the narcissist need to control is so strong she is able to wind everyone up. She’s had cancer since 2018 and has done nothing to wind up her affairs and business. Property liens, county fines, elderly horses. Client’s horses scattered around the country in various stages of transport. Absolutely crazy making. Trying to disengage while she’s still alive is impossible.
Using family as their flying monkeys is the worst ... friends are terrible ones too but family has that extra betrayal feelings. The hurt is devastating and deep which is why they use them to hurt us. It leaves you not knowing who to turn to or trust. To have them constantly trying to hurt you in any way they can and tell so many lies (flipping everything they did to you -DARVO) is draining and just horrible as you try to stay silent , not defend yourself and stay grey rock. Exhausting & Torturous!!
You said that 100%!!!! Correct. It is DEVASTATING. The ultimate betrayal....by your own children...because the narcissist love bombed them, when he NEEDED them....after being gone for 35 years. It was a 🗡 dagger. I'll never forget.
From my experience with narcissists, they can become very dangerous when losing control over you. The best thing you can do with a spouse/sexual partner is to go no contact as soon as you realize who you are dealing with and go so far as to move away as far as you can. I am now dealing with a covert "Christian" narcissist friend. It took me about 6 months to realize that this person was a narcissist. The realization came when the narcissistic rage appeared. There were other red flags inconsistent with the Christian faith that she was espousing. She tried to control the way I dressed (long dresses to the floor, long sleeve tops up to the neck, no makeup, no jewelry except wedding rings/wrist watches, can't style/color your hair, you must never cut your hair, you can't wear perfume, etc...) mind you I am OLD, and I dress modestly to begin with. The walking on eggshells feeling is making me sick, so I have begun the slowly backing away and will make my no contact move over time as I know she will seek out badly needed supply elsewhere. I can tell she will use flying monkeys to do her violent dirty work. Narcissists absolutely cannot be trusted, they will take revenge if they believe you have hurt them in anyway, even if the narcissist's wounding is all in their mind, and not even reality. You may not have any idea you have hurt the narcissist.
"Narcissists absolutely cannot be trusted, they will take revenge if they believe you have hurt them in anyway, even if the narcissist's wounding is all in their mind, and not even reality. You may not have any idea you have hurt the narcissist."
I had an almost identical experience with a woman named out in Northern Utah who played me like a fiddle for eleven months claiming to be 'Christian' saying and doing All the right things Until that 'mask' came off. Watch Out ! Trust your deepest instincts and Intuition at ALL times when dealing with these people , look Past the engaging 'smiles' and magnetic charismatic Charm, look Past the Outward seeming 'RIGHTEOUS' behavior and Listen, Ever So Closely to your deepest inward Intuition !
Thank you for explaining in detail the discarding patterns of the Narcissists personality and about practicing Self- Compassion. I have been going through this with a family member and it nearly took me down completely. Keep up the good work Dr Ramani. Thank you for helping me to make sense of a very complex situation that is often hard to explain to others who dont understand tje dynamics of this disorder and abuse by others.
Experienced this to a tee last February, with a narcissist friend. A RIDICULOUS blow up about me “pulling for” a sports team that isn’t theirs. I stood up for myself and WOW, they just went all the way off the rails! and they’re still not done ruminating on it, they just brought it up again a few days ago. Also I have noticed how they absolutely have to get people under control and they’ve been working for over a year or more to get someone who doesn’t want to speak to them anymore to be their “friend”- the other person was just tired of there malarkey but it’s like - well, you’re not allowed to abandon a narcissist, it’s all on their terms. Like, you will be my friend until I say so!
@@EightBallAnswers1 Like cats that implore you to pet them, bite you moments later, and then ignore you …. Until the next time they want your attention.
"Just Joking" is NEVER a joke. NEVER NEVER NEVER. And the SIlent Treatment is another tactic for a NPD person to get their way. My dear departed mom used that regularly as I was growing up.
My nieces flying monkeys are her parents. My brother and I were so close. I’m an empath. She is coming between us . Forgiveness is hard. I’m her scapegoat. She’s so manipulative and daddy’s girl at 37. She has most of my family fooled. They’ve never seen her evil emails . That I know of. My other brother adores her. I’m seeing the truth. And she canceled me. This gutted me. Losing my sibs love would devastating. I can’t fight anymore. I’m tired. I’ve had to grieve her. You are a wise woman. You hit my situation on the head!!!! But this brought me to my knees . And closer to God. Light will always overcome darkness.
...a healthy person understands freewill while a narcissist/toxic/dark person is a master of coercion, sad indeed😔many thanks Dr. Ramani for all the insights🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
They pretend asking you many questions over and over and over again while collecting the information at the same time. You can see them texting sending some information, they think everyone is blind.
I have been following you for a long time and recently left a situation with the knowledge I’ve gained. I exited silently with my freedom and happiness. Thank you for everything you do. With your help my life is my own now.
It’s so frustrating when having to deal with these personality types in the family. Thanks for sharing these points, it helps to remind us it’s real and keep our sanity.
I did that once for my sister at Christmas. She loved high-end perfume, so I decided to splurge and get her a set from Dillard's. She didn't thank me, but instead called my now ex-husband (that she was having an affair with) and told him I was spending his money (I was working my own highly paid job and used my own money to purchase her gift). It was an eye-opener and one that I never repeated.
I have listened to you for a few years now. Thank you for putting this information out there. We have needed this years ago. People, please pay attention! It will save your energy!
This was so helpful. I got shut down in an incredibly cruel way recently, by someone whom I thought I was on friendly terms. What I did was contribute to a conversation, accidentally, excitedly, interrupting, and he exploded in an extremely brutal and snobbish way. I was shocked, crushed, and disgusted. After gaslighting myself all night I asked myself "would I ever do that to someone?" and of course the answer was no. That's when I knew I needed to firewall this dude forever. He's so arrogant that thankfully I don't think he will notice and not bother me. We weren't that close. Unfortunately we have mutual friends, they've known him quite longer than I, but they are also aware and critical of his flaws. You reinforced my very strong belief not to triangulate this mess, regardless of their criticisms. If he notices, I don't feel optimistic about any of it. Thanks for the advice to start finding support outside of this circle. It really hurts, as I just went through a divorce, and these guys were my first new friends I've had in a while.
My covert narc also did a lot of revenge. Hurtful things but ones that allowed him deniability. The added gaslighting was a special circle of cruel hell to live in.
This was the best podcast of all! Very clear and right to the point! I Love it! Thank you Dr. Ramani this one helped me a lot. I just broke free after 17 years of hell from an adult child in a shame rage cycle. I am starting to see who I am. I was completely blinded. I forgot who I was. Everything evolved around their drama. For me it's coming back fast and I so cherish the life and person I am. I feel the big weight lift from my chest,so freeing. I do what I want now, decorate how I want, there's no tension in my house. It's actually relaxing and freeing. It makes my heart flutter with joy. This is the best feeling in the world. You helped me recognize what the bad things were that were being projected onto me. I can not thank you enough. I have my life back.🥰
Betrayal from a few flying monkeys brought me to my knees. Still blown out of the water by this. I manage but will never fully heal from it. Their loss actually you know .. they’re the ones who are going to stay conned not me.
I recently went no contact with my siblings because of how they've always treated me. The gloves came off when our dad died and got even worse when our mom died. I deleted their contact information and am totally unavailable to them. So what are the flying monkeys doing? They are contacting extended family members and bad mouthing me to them. I was so grateful to one cousin in particular who let me know this was happening. I am not bad mouthing the siblings to others, but I am saying what is true and what is not. I saw a therapist after my dad died and then again after mom's death because these events caused the siblings to be even meaner to me. Neither of these therapists ever suggested that I was dealing with narcissists. They just listened to me whine for months until I got tired and quit. I've learned more from people like Dr. Ramani in the short time I've been watching videos by her and others and I can't tell you how much this information is helping me. Thank you so much.
Learning to not care what the narc thinks has helped me the most, along with learning how to demand respect and set boundaries. It was really funny when he tried to set one for me. He is pretty clueless.
Mine “went on vacation” with the kids, called and said “I won’t ask for alimony if you let us stay here” and when I said she can’t do that, called CPS and falsely claimed I beat our children. WORST PERSON EVER.
I had a narcissist get mad at me because I wouldn't take a drug possession charge for her. She figured that because it was a "first offense" for me I would get "diversion and probation". She was facing jail. In her thinking, I should have fallen on the sword for her. They were her drugs! She then spent weeks berating me for not loving her enough. Thankfully she was right. It took me a long time to get there.
Good choice! My ex husband convinced me to transfer all his debt to my cards and then go bankrupt! "To give our child a fresh start in life." That's right, I was in bankruptcy court at 8 months pregnant.
My Narc is crying and begging for me to not abandon him in his time of need. I feel sorry but know all to well its a tactic. Im struggling on how to leave entirely. Then I also remember all the things the Narc has done to me and my children! Thank you this video helps!
You should feel sorry for yourself and your children, not for him. He has a choice to not be abusive. There is no excuse. He knows what he's doing and doesn't care. When you start feeling sorry for yourself and your kids instead of feeling sorry for him, then you'll know you're on the path to healing.
My mothers rage was more of a "i feel sorry for myself " tantrum. If i didn't engage or call her out, she'd hang up on me and give me the "silent treatment" for weeks. Then, out of the blue, she'd call or text me and act like nothing ever happened. Of course I never forgot what she did. I've been in trauma therapy for the past three years, and I am finally on the other side of it. What a wake up call. I feel so much loss of what I missed out on in my life and I'm grieving. I also realize this is normal. I went "no contact" with my entire family. I realize they are all toxic. Thanks for this video, it's all so relatable.
So weird how they do that. Finally got rid of a narcissist co worker. It was a mess and a long story. The evil (also narcissistic) boss just hired her back. Told another co worker to “come here” And hugged them like nothing happened. 🫣Pfft.
The single child in an Asian family serves as both golden child and scapegoat. Being harshly scolded for being ungrateful when pursuing one’s own life - a normal one, or standing up to describe the truth after sensing the gaslighting, or expressing one’s own thoughts which happens to be different from the parent’s, or doing anything not exactly matching the parent’s ‘never communicated’ imagination, or bringing up being physically abused several times in childhood for which the parent genuinely doesn’t remember. As a single child and a truth teller, living in emotional abuse and enablers’ suppression for years, it’s the time.
I pray for you, me and people like us who face such unfortunate situations. We are loving and resilient.. We are brave and strong that's why God tests us by putting us in such circumstances.
Dr. Im so happy to have found your site. I have lived through hell as most scapegoats do. The dysfunction is text book. From the golden, blk sheep, & invisible child. My mother the narcisst alcoholic, my father codependant. Parents elderly now needing care. I have been there for parents. While siblings nowhere to be found. I recently decided enough. Im not doing anything more for my parents. My mothers in hosital and dad needs full time care. I told them to step up they have but of course siblings & parents guilting shameing me into coming back to care for them. Thanks for explaining the grey rock response vs the stonewall response.
Narcissistic people take all the credit, none of the blame.
And are open about it.
Obviously it’s our fault for everything that’s happened in the relationship and why they’ve not happy and wake up angry every morning 😂😂
You know my ex? LOL
Fact
Yeah but everyone deep down knows they’re a pos
They are jealous of others who are their true self. They can't compete with us.
Anyone who puts them in their place, basically.
They aren't jealous of "others", per se. They don't believe that others even exist. Not really. They're jealous that their "mirror selves" ("others") are just as false and untrue as the primary narcissist is, but they're receiving accolades where as the primary narcissist is not. And that's just "not fair", because the primary narcissist is the only real person, and they're the one that's lying and putting on the show the best anyway.
The narcissist doesn't compete with others, they compete with themselves, and get upset that they can't even win... against themselves.
Exactlyyyy
@@tygon13
You hit the nail on the head. None of the narcissists behavior is personal even though it feels that way. Yeah it is very harmful to you but it is not because of you. You are truly irrelevant in the equation.
They hate authenticity, it dilutes their narrative.
"At their deepest core, narcissistic people know that they are not nice people." I love this comment.
They have no core remember?
@@springBloomsinAwe they have no concrete sense of self, and they fear the nothingness rather than realize that from nothingness is where infinite possibilities are born. They don't believe they are capable of being good, so they limit themselves from good behavior/improvement.
They prey on people's capacity for guilt and shame, which is why most narcs will say things like, "so and so is so nice," because they only like whomever they can control; basically anyone who will tolerate their bs.
@@marlanaferro1558 Now as an Audhd what would it be understood as I felt like I did it a lot and I was trying to say something nice about someone or they understand my shit etc. (Probably over thinking and anxiety) Like for example I would describe someone being wider than me (I been under weight most of my life), but they could be maybe over weight, but Id think of scale taking it literally were someone would automatically think I'm calling someone fat.
@@TNewsh well the narcs need to work on themselves because, who wants to be around that type of energy 😏
I just left him
I'm not with him anymore. I don't have any feelings for that crazy person the Narcissist, he only comes to steal . He only Comes to take all that you have.I thank God because he removed me from that Demonic Spirit.
So happy for you
I walked away. The punishment was SO SEVERE. But the freedom was even greater ❤
I’m proud of you
Your life will get better from now on. Stay strong. U are the better person
Sincerely I can't go to therapy and these videos have literally saved my life
absolutely what a game changer
Saved my life too ❤️
Me, too ❤
Me too! But keep watching and checking in because you will need the future reminders to keep from getting "tricked" & reminder you that you are the normal one! 💝
@@dalidzucheredi2495me too not many therapist understand the narc yet
The only way to win the narcissist's game is to not play. Walk out and leave them alone with their icky victim/bully self.
When I do this to my stbx she rages even more, then I end up apologising for her yelling at me :/
You are 110 percent correct!
I completely agree. I just want to add that along to not playing their game at all, is to privately gather self-protective data like past texts/proofs/videos/voice records/emails/etc. in case authorities or anyone you need to prove your innocent and sane side of the story to but never letting the narcissist know you got all that on them. Once you got this, it makes not playing their game a lot more freeing knowing you could worry much less of any repercussions they could cause.
@@xsplifficbeats6340
Been there. But no more. I won’t apologize for their behavior anymore. But it’s a high hurdle. Don’t give up dear. Please keep educating yourself. This is what saved me gave me strength and I got out!
Youre right but I feel like a quitter or a poor sport for not playing. Like i feel like im not standing up to the problem. Instead of staying to fight, i leave and become an immigrant
Self-compassion is like kryptonie to the narcisist. Once you start loving and respecting yourself, you become able to start leaving the abusive environment and the abusers.
Or they leave you because they can’t stand you being so strong.
This in my first marriage. I thought my pregnancy was beautiful, he couldn't figure out why and a daughter was competition.
They hate it! They cannot say they hate you practicing self care. That would be admitting being shitty.
They hate it! They cannot say they hate you practicing self care. That would be admitting being shitty.
😢
I was gaslit during discarding. He would tell me “I’m giving you the space you need” and I would say “but I’m not asking for space, I’m asking you for quality time and support” - it was like he didn’t hear me at all. Now I know what was happening
Same here! It's almost humorous now that I've educated myself about this behavior.
almost.. almost.
I had hard evidence that mine LIED ABOUT EVER HAVING A DAUGHTER...WHO HE SAID DIED OF CANCER. I confronted him with all of his many, many, many lies (through text) and the cheating - and somehow he spun it into 'you're dead to me, you insulted my daughter'... huh? she never existed! you made up everything you ever said about yourself - including where you were born and your real name. he RAGED, and then the next day, I got the 'I hate that my brain is like this...I'm so depressed, I can't stop thinking about how I can make you not hate me". Wait, I'm now supposed to feel guilty and sympathetic? And you're the victim? How!?
The one I was with would purposely misbehave and do things to upset me. Unfortunately he knew how easy it was to trigger me because they study you. He knew exactly what to do to upset me and of course he just didn’t care how his behavior would hurt me. So when he was ready for the discard he’d do whatever bad behavior he needed to do and then I would discard him. He knew I’d be so mad I wouldn’t speak to him for awhile. He’d continue to Hoover and Hoover until I was no longer mad. How hard is it to send a pointless email everyday? That was his Hoover. Once the anger wore off and I’d have one of those pointless emails I would engage with it. Then he’d come back “scot free” because he always would say, “well I was single… you were the one who blocked me.” Oh god even now writing it makes me upset. At that time I was too blind to see the pattern. I was thinking he returned because he “missed me so much” and I was even dumb thinking he was just at home thinking of me 😭🤦🏽♀️ the way I was with him. The sad thing was I just stayed at home… I had no desire to be with ANYONE else. I had no desire to go anywhere. I would be in so much pain I couldn’t wait to just come home after work and lay in bed. My heart belonged to him 🤮. The trauma bond is real. That is until I finally started seeing HIS PATTERN! Yeah I leave and block you because you don’t know how to act… I don’t do it because I’m BORED! Now that everything has come full circle for me it’s such a cruel, sadistic joke. I just need therapy to forgive myself for all the time I wasted and especially the anger I feel for being taken advantage of.
In one particular argument, my narcissist went from bully to victim and then back to ragging bully within an hour when I did not react to the victim card being played. It was a horrific yet eye-opening experience.
Once you wake up and can see the manipulation happening, you get the upper hand. It’s a battle field not a loving relationship
When a empathetic person loses their temper with a narcissist, the narcissist will turn it around and become the victim. Then the empathetic person feels they were wrong in their judgement and gives the narcissist a "break". I would also argue that if you are like an "empath" you will be so empathetic that you often become a doormat for the narcissist. Part of the reason I never stood my ground was because I as an empathetic person who never wanted to be seen as "the bad guy" in these situations. I felt that other people's vison of my character would be destroyed if I did not give people the "compassion" that everyone deserves. It took a lot of work on myself to realize that I was not giving myself compassion and allowing myself to be hurt to spare others' feelings. Self preservation can get distorted by being raised in this kind of environment.
Exactly
I’m currently going through this! Yes that was the hardest thing for me but once I felt comfortable with the fact that I’ll be the ‘bad guy’ …nothing/no one could stop me. I’m not even an entire week away from the narcissist I was with and he’s hoovering like crazy, he’s telling my brother things, his friends, the neighbors in our building (I still have to go because my mom’s boyfriend so happens to live in the same building)…but it’s all okay cause I became okay with the idea of me being the one who left and gave up on the family. It’s totally fine though cause there’s way more to the story. Dr Ramani gave me the tools to SEE and become aware and forever grateful
@@ERMAPERKINS97 Glad to hear that. Keep it up and you will get better with time. Just don't go back no matter what. It'll be worse the next time if you do. Good luck 🤞
A doormatx that is a good descritpion. About how I feel.
I feel this and I'm so happy I am now free of holding other peoples possible/real thoughts about me over what is best for me. If my inner child is uncomfortable in any way regarding my mother, I protect, and that why I have been NC for almost 2 years and counting! 🎉
It’s like they are actually irritated with us trying to make the relationship work 😂 well. I solved that problem by putting my energy into fixing myself and letting him hate me from a distance
Good. Because if it takes that much work! It ain’t working! That’s my motto. A good red flag not to ignore either. Time is to precious to waste. You never get it back.
Love that, well said 👏
@@FloridaGirl-we've all wasted enough
Yep, my partners narcissistic tendencies come out a lot when he’s drinking. He cut back a lot and stopped starting arguments. I mentioned how well he was doing and thanked him. The next day he started binge drinking and picking fights again. I’m making a plan to get out, because it feels like he actually doesn’t want me here.
@KJxxoo Same here! I’m starting to get quite excited about my new life now, just need to find a way to do it. But I tried to dump him last week and he gave me the standard pro-forma response of “you’re too sensitive” and then fake cried and lovebombed me into not dumping him. But next time I will be stronger and get the job done! I realised that I have to put some forces in motion that would apply some (positive) external pressure to MAKE ME go through with it also I finally told my dad what has been going on. Now my dad keeps checking in to see if/when I’ll need help moving out. It has put me in a position of “no going back now” and I feel stronger for it. I’m still SO CONFLICTED though and the cognitive dissonance is tearing me apart. Wish me luck! I hope to have ended it (after 6.5 years!) and moved out within the next month. Wishing you all the very best of luck, and lots of love and healing. YOU CAN DO THIS! Mobilise your support network if you are able xxx
Shame- rage spiral is so legit. Covert narcs are so scary because their revenge is so secretive it’s hard to know when or where it’s coming.
I have a covert narc sis, "scary & secretive" is her mantra. I encourage you to make it your life's mission to find your joy & stop engaging. The flying monkeys may leave you for the narc, but u won't hv to walk the high wire of dysfunction anymore. And it's kind of a relief.
Why I stayed for the most F###ed up 15 YEARS of my life. If I'd only KNOWN.
EMPATHS are prime steak to them.
I keep thinking about Donal Trump, from the very start it's like "Trump explained".
@debbieroe804 I stayed in my relationship with the narc for 30+ years married 9 divorced 3 reconciled and together 20 unfortunately people like us value loyalty and commitment to others over ourselves. I reached my limit July 4th 2023 my eyes opened. I said everything I had always wanted to say over 30 years but had swallowed not wanting to injure him and then I told him to pre arrange his funeral cause he had no one left to bury him when he's gone. Then I did something I've never done in my life. I BLOCKED his number. It remains blocked. I've slowly and steadily began to return to being a whole person again like the old me but better and I am so happy now. When I first realized what I was feeling was happiness I had a mild anxiety attack that day but I am still happier than I have ever been even when the occasional curve ball happens my happiness remains. I never even knew that was possible.
My sister waited for months to get revenge on me. I gave her a narcissistic injury just by setting a boundary so she plotted a really elaborate rouse just so that I wanted something from her (dangled carrot) that she could whip away from me at the last minute just so she could shame and humiliate me. She waited months and months to do this!! They have nothing better to do with their lives but play mind games and plot humiliation rituals for some trivial thing you did ages ago. They are the WORST at bearing grudges.
This explains why most domestic violence men/women are Narcissists. Their rage/shame leads to the abusive cycle.
Exactly!!
Your an object to use, not a person to them. But they act like theyre your savior at the same time.
I got rid of the narc and all of their monkeys (mutual friends) since the narc called a zoom meeting to try to convince the friends that I was crazy. None of them bothered to talk to me. No one considered that he was emotionally abusive for years so I got rid of all of them.
Expect the crazy card .. they are always pulling the crazy card.. eegad
😂 Crazy ~ Patsy Cline! 🩷
Nobody believes us. We are liars, crazy, stupid.... The only single person who believed me and didn't abandon me after I told about my situation married with a narc that uses also physical violence is a woman who was also married with a narc and lived the same hell.
Good for you! Going thru divorce with narc. What a mess! His goal is to get " everybody" on his side, even my family and he goes off the rail of they don't agree or feed into his bs. He has lied terribly and unfortunately I have lost about 8 close people to me bc they believe him. I've accepted that those people aren't meant to be in my life. I just let it go. I'm over here healing and his mission is to get as many people as he can to hate me. Smh
Snip snip
Being Single is such a protection and better use of life energy. My goodness.
Yes! I'd much rather make myself miserable than have someone else do it for me.
They are definitely vampires.
Don't punish good for what evil did
Not every narcissistic relationship is romantic though. So don't disregard the victims of parental narcissists,familial narcissist, professional narcissist or narcissistic friends. You are under the mistaken impression that only lovers can be narcissist and that is a dangerous mindset
Narcissist rage while being scary and dangerous, is really childish and pathetic
Yep
😮100%
Yes it is a childish tantrum of an insecure child with all the attention seeking and monkey rearing power of an intelligent and manipulative adult.
Losing your mind and all semblance of sanity because you didn’t get your way ? Striking back with utter fury at someone close to you? Yeah it’s pathetic.
Yea I had to tell a boy today after he said that his dad was "strong" that no he is not he is just large. A strong "man" would not throw his weight around at his family.
Believe that the truth will set you free. That goes for the narcissist as well - a very broken human being who needs Truth. Amen.
Dr. Ramani, your videos have helped me so much. My relationship with a narcissist was a complete roller coaster ride and I constantly felt confused by his behaviors. I didn’t even realize I was dealing with a narcissist until I found your videos . What an eye opener for me! Everything started making sense after that😮. I’m in the process of divorcing him now and of course he is playing the victim because I left HIM. I also know he’s pissed because I refuse to be bullied anymore. Thank goodness I have a great support system ❤️
when they know, they have no more control over you, some narcissist will go as far as to go after your loved ones, just to get to you. That’s how low some will go.
Oh my gosh! My father in law when he knew I saw him began to gaslight and criticize me and his own grandchildren ! I was able not take the bait and just kept saying thank you for your condor and I had no idea you felt this way. Then came the abandonment. Both for me and their own grandkids. Omg.
Right, and start a smear campaign and hire flying monkeys to terrorize victims
Or they keep trying to "talk to you", bait you, provoke you, whatever you're doing they keep trying to make themselves for you notice or whatever. I would love to explain what has been happening with my mom since Feb of this year all the way to this comment(6:41 AM. West Coast. 6/23/2024) but YTurd will just delete the comment.
Lets make it quick as possible. My mom wasted a lot of money paying Shaman experts and massage people to cure her tinnitus.(My little bro once told me that mom wasted over $3000). None of that Shaman bs and massage worked. On May 26 mom called a Shaman lady and after the shaman ritual was finished the shaman charged $1200. I would love to explain EVERY THING more but YT will just auto delete.
Lets say when come to the money issue and after that $1200 I got super mad. Also what make me even more mad is she doesn't follow her doctor's medical advise. Mom is at the point where..it feels like she's doing harm to herself for the attention. She doesn't follow the directions of the urine infection meds, the heart burn meds and she lies that the meds doesn't work.
3 weeks ago I was at the point where..I want to.."self delete" and told her that if I got money I would leave instantly. She called two of my uncles that day. She straight up lie to them saying that I wanted HER MONEY to fix my car and I threaten to "self delete" if I don't get the money. If I wanted the money I could of just asked her and she will give the money to me. Around April I got my car repaired and it costed me $2500. I never asked for her money nor needed her help. Lets say after she lied..I been angry since then. She lied throughout her life I always let it go but the lie that I wanted her money...that was the final straw. These days she keep trying to charm her way back in. Whenever I cook for myself she will poke around and make herself noticeable.
100% especially your kids!!! There are zero boundaries.
@@beverlystover3987
I understand.
It’s so tragic, as you said. Just so sad. The more you try to love them, the more they push you away
Yes.
I was determined to be the one person that accepted him unconditionally, no matter what.
But that nearly killed me, because I've had to realise that he can't love me.
I've spent years in therapy trying to deal with it and challenging myself, where needed. He thought I was weak to do that.
He wasn't willing or able to look inside himself and change, even just a little. He needed me to leave him to confirm his views.
I feel devastated, but I'm finally out.
Funny thing, is if you just stop loving them you realize you never felt freeer!
@@jasonwimberly5636I definitely do feel freer, yes. 😁
The hard truth is that the person you try to love never truly existed, it was just a made-up character/persona. They'd push you away because they're jealous of their made up character receiving attention/love that they themselves are incapable of ever letting in.
They don't love they take only
when around a demonic narcissist, one can see the devil on their face. the evil energy comes flooding from them.
@@upendaglover2559 like the narc carries around demonic attachments. I have seen their energy fields. Been aware of paranormal all my life. This is no joke either!
Yes, on everyone's face including ours the slightest fault is visible.
But for narcissistic ppl their faults are way more visible and so much deeper, so much harder to separate from them
as it is so much harder for them to repent, to be compassionate, to be humble or have regrets.
but sometimes only one.
@@anneyoung2310 yes, true enough
Absolutely! Seen the eyes change myself, the face change, the whole demeanor. I believe they all have demonic entities in them, after all Satan was the first.
The vulnerable narcissist mirrors his inadequacies on you. Ex: Not saying thank you and not noticing what they have done. Showing disinterest. They become lazy, blaming and very dull in their rage
It is so hard to be in a relationship with someone when you feel like no matter how gently or sincerely you approach them about "sensitive" subjects (and yes I have tried and failed all ways) like finances or who does what around the house, or child rearing responsibilities-topics healthy couples openly discuss- they end up stonewalling, walking away, dismissing or even getting angry about your feelings and attempts to communicate concerns or just hey, what's the plan? In a healthy way. And yes the passive aggressive antagonism is real. I asked to go to therapy together and he said "why? So they can tell you everything you're doing wrong?" And I said yes! Having someone on the outside to tell me what I can't see and where I can improve would mean a lot because I want to be a better partner! He walked away after that...
Oh yes, this is so very familiar.
Your norm is abnorm to them
You're left alone to do it all
@@phoenix_rising1375 sounds like how my life was 100%. Thankfully all over and being by myself though lonely and difficult at times is 100% better
This is so similar to what I udergoes.
Narcissistic family members will rage and coerce and play the victim. No more playing. I'm done.
"You can't lose if you don't play." I heard this quote in The Wire serie. It rang so true to me.
Same, I'm so done. I don't really even care anymore lol. I just feel kind of nothing for them now. I'm not really even angry anymore. Just worn out.
Amen 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Just went through this and walked away, permanently. I’m done. It’s done.
I’m done too!!
When I stood up to the narcissists,
first they raged - failed. Then they gaslit me - failed.
Then i was called crazy - that failed.
Later I heard then they said they were scared and were afraid and thought i was going to hit them.
Did it help to stand up? Not really
Did it feel good?
HELL YEAH😂
laugh and move one
Yep the narc projections!! Good for you!!
Word. You have to get past the intrigue, hope attraction, and watch them collapse a few times then you finally see how pathetic they really are. It’s
My mom said the exact same thing to my children and to me that she thought I was going to hit her! I never was even close to that! My children are her flying monkeys and she has access to my young grandsons and I don't! It's so sad and hard to accept that my children would believe her crap and let my grandsons around her! Toxic is toxic and will never change!!
exact same here sick of the lies and questioned it they got caught up in more lies trying to refute the first lie went out lied again and when i flipped all of a sudden she was scared i was going to be violent got her sick parents to help her move out so she didnt have to even speak to me about it. 3 years, a dog planned kids, planned house gone in one night its been almost 4 months and not a single type of communication. she went to all her little new friend group and told them all to block me probably out of concern of exposure
All of this 💪💪💪💪💪
That is so true. He constantly attacks the people I love most (behind their back of course)since he can no longer manipulate me. Pathetic and cowardly. Around him, I am devoid of any emotions. Like the weather, he exists and is tolerated. It took 50 years to see the light but I feel so much lighter. The situation at home remains the same but I am changed. His rage still unnerves me at times but his victim act leaves me cold. At 82, I am tired of all the drama. I can't leave but I am no longer his handmaiden. It's not ideal but I feel liberated.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m glad you found peace within yourself. ❤❤❤
I am also in same situation, last 45 yrs
Great tip, for surviving victims! 💐
You are an empowered warrior❣️
Can this video be sent to a narcissist in one's life
In my experience, it does no good. In fact, they might even try to tell you that you need to watch this video, not them. They make you feel crazy. @allthingscreative4729
That’s what I don’t understand why narcissistic people think it’s all about the material things and never actually get the fact that stuff is just stuff…being treated like a human being is what they need to learn to do….i don’t care about what they get me…it’s about how they treat me and see me…I’m not a possession to be owned and controlled
I understand that. But I don't think they can see You as anything but a "thing" to be owned, possessed, used or ... if they believe You to be the "property" of someone else ... stolen, or else destroyed. Yes, I'm pretty sure that this is what saw play out. But this is no mere Narc. This creep is a full-blown Psychopath.
Best, ... ~T.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I don't think I could have said that any better.❤
@@michelewalker1883 I 2nd that.
EXACTLY!
@@w8what575 Interesting name! Even more interesting is the fact that the phrase, when sounded out, has a rather peculiar relevance to my dealings with a rather peculiar individual.
Maybe Jung was onto something with that "Synchronicity" theory of his.
This video just brought me back to life mentally. I needed this reminder that I am on the right track with handling this kind of person and keeping my self care at the forefront.
Thank you for helping me end my 34 year abusive marriage. My psychologist told me that my husband is a narcissist, but I had no idea what that meant. Ive been watching your informative videos since my husband spent time in jail for DV, but because I am handicapped and unable to work, I was afraid to leave. How would I support myself and our 4 kids? When my parents passed away a year ago, they left me money so I would feel capable of leaving. I started the process last summer, but he keeps "hoovering" me back in. That is until the moment I watched this entire video!! You have given me strength to never let him pull me in again! You have been an amazing giver of faith and belief in myself. I could never thank you enough!!!
I am now a SINGLE WOMAN🎉
@@deannamahone6616 I'm glad you escaped!
I am so happy for you! Me too!😊@@deannamahone6616
All the best Deanna and sorry for what you went through.
@deannamahone6616
So happy for you! I know it wasn’t easy and still probably isn’t.
Narcissists don't have SELF-esteem, they have OTHERS-esteem. They rely on others to provide a positive self regard to them. Coming along with their lack of healthy self esteem is a lack of truly and deeply knowing themselves. If they can't see themselves how can they truly see you? So of course they treat others in the way they do, they use others to get their supply of positive self regard, while also being blind to your own needs and perspective.
I like your term other-esteem. 👍
My ex seemed to treat his family and friends better than he treated me. It was so hurtful.
I gave him supply through my promise of unconditional love. My belief is that my ex saw me as a part of himself, so of course he could treat me badly. He hated himself. He used me as a proxy self.
@@PeppermintPattiesinteresting perspective, thanks for sharing.
Very well described. Wow
Spot on.
I see that in myself.
In some ways your concept makes sense, logically it can also mean that when you are proud of your accomplishments and have self-esteem the other experiences those feelings by association.
My way of thinking is a narcissist is more like a vampire. Like a vampire they can only have power over you, if you in ire them into your house (your social circle or more intimately).
Through wounding you with devaluation they suck the life out of you. It's not self-esteem that feeds them. iIt s inflated notions of superiority.
Sunlight will destroy a vampire, shame a public emotion (what will the neighbors think?) is sunlight for the narcissist.
Narcissists have no empathy. They are hardwired that way. They aren't evil. That's just they way they are.
We all know from the horror movies that the there are 3 ways to stop a vampire. Two are considered murder when applied to humans (a wooden stake through the heart and beheading ) Dr Ramani has outlined your options.
The important thing to remember is that narcissists are not evil nor entirely cognizant of their behavior. What they do to you is not on purpose. The hardest thing to remember is that's just the way they are. You cannot change that.
My ex seems like he has his shit together until you catch him in a lie. Then comes the lashing out and victim complex, and it's always someone else's fault.
Sounds like my ex. There's far too many that behave that way.
Welcome to the club.
Always!!!! No matter what
Same
Same, but mine didn't lash out - he was sulky, sarcastic, spiteful and smug about stuff (often me).
He never wanted to show his ugly side, but the passive aggression WAS the ugly side.
He didn't let the actual rage out properly: it just rotted him quietly from the inside.
The chaos of the roller coaster when everything seems good but they run and blow up everyone's life. Then they have their chaos at the same time they feel powerful and free!
I enjoy the fact that the truths stated here are no longer shocking and difficult to comprehend, even while living through it; but they are now truths that I'm able to verify and relate to.
Meeting these truths and the spirits they really are can alter and enhance the reality of the evil surrounding and infused- if allowed.
Thanks again for your good work.
Amen ❤️🩹
First they act and lure you in. Then they start talking shit about you to others. Then they suddenly have a problem with you, that you didn’t even know about. Then comes the victim acting and blaming you while gaslighting you.
Then you start to question yourself. Until you catch them at it again and again. Or multiple people catch them.
These so called narcissists are not normal people. Their disgusting behaviour is malicious and gross.🤢
Wow you just described my situation
My situation
Me too
Please leave these narcs, don't tell them your leaving , don't ask for their permission. And when you go, do it when they are not at home , cut off all contact. Or you'll have a crying baby guilting you into going back. Don't be where they can find you. This is my best advice. Believe me they will try to hunt you down and stalk you. So maybe don't go to your relatives.. Block their pH number , Facebook , safeguard your bank account get new passwords , get a new pH number. . Don't give his mother your new details or anyone else that might give him your pH number or where abouts . I learnt all of his the hard way by being too trusting . Then he'll go about turning your friends against you by lying. Please I never imagined how evil this could turn.
Me too
I think in dealing with narcissists it's best to work on myself- letting go of my "people pleasing" need to be liked, work on how I respond to conflict, and something that has helped me is to see them as a toddler having a tantrum instead of worrying about how much they like or hate me. Just step back and let them show themselves.
Yes, absolutely great advice
Actually a helpful perspective. It actually helps stave off regression of they try to force contact.
They target empaths. I became a professional codependent enabler.
NO MORE. NOPE. DONE.
Wonderful advice. Thank you
Great advice. Treat them like you would a sick child.
I've been cut off from some of my family because I finally spoke up for myself and its absolutely inexcusable to speak up. It's crazy to think ppl that raised me turned their backs on me just like that. But I'm happy that my children aren't going to fall into the same trap. When I'm wrong I apologise to my children. I want them to advocate for themselves. I feel like I'm the adult I needed growing up.
I hear you! I've had to find my tribe elsewhere.
I'm going thru that now. Thought my child was safe but the influence over 17 yrs was too great. They have now turned into the little protégé. Now I have to walk away from My Mom & my only child. :( So very heart broken!!
@@lileinsteinsinstituteforsc7836 I am so sad for you. I also suffering this. It’s terrible and agonizing but I cling to Jesus for help and relief
This is what happened to me, too.
I have been cut off. Its a bit hard but so peaceful and productive!!
U can always go back and grovel. 😂
I love being a strong peaceful person of integrity ❤
“it may happen…” how true that is. The unpredictablity is very hard to deal with, because you don’t know when it is coming or why.
Surrounded by 20+people & 1000%lonely. A different lonely! No one gets it😢 Dr. RAMANI you absolutely hit the nail on the head with this! Thanks for validating me!
Yes exactly ❤
@@yazajagBe your best friend. Nurture yourself, give yourself good advice, and have your back. It's much less lonely that way.
40:00 In my experience with the whole "discarding" thing... They want to discard you, but they want to be JUSTIFIED in doing it so that it appears as though you deserved it and they had to get away from you. Or they want YOU to discard THEM so they can play the victim and point the finger at you for the relationship ending ("I knew you never cared about me or wanted this to work").
I realized that a solid way of defeating this and cutting off their supply/leverage was to tell them as undramatically as possible, "I think we should get space from this situation for a while, but we can still be on good terms and remain friends if you want". It robs them of BOTH of those means of supply because you won't be affected by a future discard/silent treatment but at the same time, you aren't dramatically discarding them either so they are unable to play the victim. It denies them the chance to blame you for any future drama and makes it painfully obvious who the aggressor is whenever they try to cause chaos with you out of the blue.
That said, they will still try to lie and say that you needing space is somehow the equivalent of "shutting them out" (I know from experience), but all you have to do is keep holding strong and maintaining that they have every opportunity to be friendly with you if that's what they desire. They will reject your civility every time but still claim that it's YOU who is causing the problems. It outs them every time as seeking chaos and turmoil when you aren't participating and ONLY giving them the option to be cordial with you.
Of course, this doesn't really do anything in the long run except make them out themselves. They will never stop antagonizing you or trying to pull you back into the drama so....the only real conclusion to the story is to cut them off for good.
Yes if your so bad , why do they want you . Then they cry like babies if you leave.
Dr. Ramani, you have changed the course of my life. You are an oasis where I find strength and a bit of my old self-confidence. You have shed so much light on a subject I knew nothing about, was not even aware of for the 50 years I endured it. A lot of damage has been done.
I have no friends left and have gotten used to living apart from the rest of society. I cherish your books and they bring me a great deal of comfort. You have shone a light on my darkest days and just maybe, my sense of self worth will re-appear at some point. Finding you has been the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. Thank you.
❤❤❤❤
Agree 100%
*Good for you! You did it!! It takes time to heal and re-start your life and that time varies from person to person. Hold on to hope! Bless you; I know your pain.* ❤
❤❤❤
ditto
We now live in a world where good is viewed as evil and evil is viewed as good.
100
Facts backwards ass world
@@monicasehuprt3298 why so that a whole bunch of fragile ego idiots without common sense don't get butthurt,that's why
@@monicasehuprt3298 because that is biblical. We are living in the last days. Jesus is coming soon!
Seems about accurate.
Put me in shock. Raised by narcissists & dated many before discovering this on my own and it’s been such a critical thing ❤
I had 2 children with one and suffer from his cruel narcissism still to this day. Then I Cut my parents off in my 30’s. Never felt more sane & also totally isolated. Each day is a new start.
And Be extra kind to yourself🫶
Dr. Ramani - you are helping many people be self•accountable & transform individually. I appreciate your insight & expertise very much! Your content is helping me gain perspective & grow. 🌱
Either way, Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't, so live well while you are alive!
Exactly!
I enjoy my life best decision I ever made moving on
Exactly but first get away from the narcissist and every one of their flying monkeys.
Absolutely! Go live your life of freedom. So peaceful 😊
I just stay away from this kind of people, if they cant respect me i won't respect them, period
Finally done this 😢
me too
@@ElizabethLangham-h3zGood, keep It that way , seriously save yourself. Not worth It.
Yes. After 65 years, I am finally learning to do this also.
Sorry - but that what covert Narcissist would say when ghosting as a punishment.
I know - I did it, and I am narcissist.
Dr. Ramani is an angel sent from heaven. I know it sounds over the top, but honestly she is. She connects immediately on a level that is so amazing… with everyone. Dr. Ramani… you are cherished and appreciated beyond belief. Thank you so much.
Yes I agree❤
Me, too.❤
She’s a gift from God
I truely have to thank you for your videos. I have had a struggle with a brother for 2 years on the farm that is transitioning to us. I have been so abused and had no idea why. I stumbled on one of your videos, and then I realized what was happening. Everyone thinks I'm the asshole, or the difficult one. In reality, I was just trying to step up for myself and not realizing it is the worst thing I could do. It just unleashes a monster that totally plays the victim. Again, thank you so much, I am now going forward with a new path of how to deal with this. I don't think it will be easy, but with the right people at my side, I should get through it.
there are also people who purposefully try to set off your shame and then call you over sensitive
I have been a fan for nearly a decade. Your insight into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse has been honed and deepened exponentially. Survivors like me are super fortunate to have access to your knowledge and wisdom.
Thank you.
16:51 This is why I’m not quick to believe gossip. Many people lie.
Amen! Excellent trait you have.
💯. People who won’t allow themselves to be used anymore by the narcissist, narcissist super smear them.
yeah thats something i definitely need to work on 😅
Evidence and receipts. If there’s no proof, take what they say with a grain of salt. I had to learn this the hard way, and eventually got proof for my claims that I married an abusive narcissist. Nobody questions it now!
Teaching people to be happy with themselves is much needed. I love this!
A societal shift will happen.
Dr. Ramani hands down is thee expert on narcissism and narcissistic persons and their relationships and this video is again, spot on. I can't thank her enough for all her help (videos/posts/media/etc) in coping and managing my hostile, narcissistic marriage. From the bottom of my heart Dr. Ramani, thank you.
Several of my siblings pull this bully/victim technique and I no longer fall for it so now I'm labelled as cold, uncaring and selfish. When I've called them out they will fly into a rage. It's so strange to watching what they are doing and understanding their manipulative behavior when I didn't see it before. I am now able to keep from getting pulled into their chaos. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you are doing. 🙏🙏🙏
It took me forever to recognize the narcissist leading the dysfunction in my family of origin. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I see it now. I don't participate and that's made me the scapegoat/ignored family member. It's been a hard road, but I'm adapting to the new reality. It is reality!
@@bethj9952 I'm 51 and feel as though I was blind to my family dysfunction all my life. I felt like something wasn't right but didn't know what that something was. Also I know I don't think I would have accepted the truth of my family when I was younger because I didn't see them for who/what they really are. It's difficult being the scapegoat and I find my peace in art and spending time with people that respect and love me. I wish you the best.
@@lovefaith6285 Thank you so much for the kind words of support. I wish you the best as well.
@@bethj9952I empathize.. I'm the youngest of 6, and all of my sinblings are abusive narcissists. My Mom is an enabler, and I'm the punching bag/scapegoat and now am the bad guy "making all the walls" because I've finally stood up for myself. I don't really have anyone now - even my 'best friend' of 25 years I let back in one final time saying he found God, proved to be just the same and talked to my eldest sister more than me, and thought it was fine to abandon me on my birthday because his wife didn't like me. He 'wanted to choose his battles' and would only see me if it was convenient for them, like if they were going to walmart nearbny etc.
I let him go since I found he didn't change, either. I'm still trying to re-orient my life and it's been a couple of years.... it's not going well, and I feel very lonely a lot of the time. But it's much better than feeling hurt alone and sad in a room full of people, and feeling like I'm a terrible person for being sad about abuse flung at me.
Yep 100%. When I stopped tolerating the physical and emotional abuse, he totally lost it. Shame, rage, victimization, all of the above. I got a protection order and divorced him. I’m on my healing journey and life is so much more peaceful now. ❤
❤❤❤❤
Yaay!! 🎉
@@cyberninjasworldsmall world!!
Same! After35 years together, He raged & left marks, I pressed charges and got a CPO! Instant relief.
Yesss free at last!!! Amen!
The narcissist will attack you by the persons and objects you most love: your children, your home, your car, your bankaccount, your hopes, your dreams. If necessary with legal help.
Stealing my dog when she was supposed to be caring for him was
bad until he had to be put down and then I got called after he couldn't eat for three days. He had cancer.
@@lisakeller9105I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Praying for God to give you the Peace & freedom you deserve. Truly heartbreaking about your dog. These people can be so cruel. It's just unbelievable how they can treat other human beings & animals. Especially the ones who truly love them. Stay strong, you're not alone.
She is attacking our children. Their own mother treats them like objects to move at her disposal. We split a year ago and it pains me to know my girls are getting treated like ish.
Yes, my grandchildren😢
My husband is jealous of my son.He has repeatedly told me "he sees things" and has now accused me of having a sexual relationship with him.He has told me my son comes and visits too much ect.l am so fu$king confused.Iam 60 years old.l can't believe l am going to get a divorce over my husband's crazy decisions.We are in financial problems and he just took me off our bank account .lam afraid in my own house now that l told him l had been recording him yelling at me to see if l was crazy.
I collected narcs like charms on a bracelet because of childhood trauma. The ones that are left in my life don't seem to understand why I now find their behavior disgusting and leave when they rage or act like spoiled children. I just leave.
BEST thing to do! It really is!
You're better off alone, choose who you want in your life from now on.
If you know they are narcissists, then why are they still in your life?
@@SpiritualMomsOnTheSpectrum They can take over your life , in many ways disempowering , financially emotionally. These chameleons are very deceptive and manipulative.
Same. We are healing. Love you lady! ❤
I am not ready to leave yet :( but Holy cow these videos are very eye opening. I will be working on self preservation for myself and my kids. I need to end these cycles, he literally rages at least once a week.
Dr. R....thank you for assisting in my healing. I particularly appreciated your ending to this program. The kind words about when we can treat ourselves with kindness and have healed enough to let the other person go, but wishing then healing and love as well.... Healing is quite a process, having said that....I feel it starts within our selves....and then it can ripple out to others on the Planet... Hugs, Calli in Canada
And they love to use word-salad craziness to confuse the one calling them out so they'll lay off calling them to task.
Yeah, ridiculous! I brought up trust issues with my ex, and he said, "when we go shopping I don't question what you buy" I mean, seriously dude, what does that even have to do with trust? 🤔
From a raging bully (I called her a demon) to victim in a split second. I had never realized. Thank you for an another great video 🌻
They are either center of the universe or whiny victim. Their eyes go down, mouth pouts....then say, "i was confused...i literally thought you were going to do it...i practically just thought of it yesterday...why are you fighting me...then the long sad silent stare....waiting to see your anger response. Yuk...that long silent pitiful nasty stare.
49:09 “Allowing yourself to be harmed in the name of love ISN’T love!” 50:57 “…keep in mind that self-compassion is like kryptonite against the charms of the narcissist… the narcissist is rendered powerless and you can finally walk away.”
I’m so glad you said they’re not 2 people. I believed they were for so long. So this means they’re always playing a game with you. Even in the “good times”.
Flying Monkeys are such a huge trap! My narcissistic mother is dying of cancer and I’m on the other end of the country. All the flying monkeys are telling me one thing and then doing another. They are constantly winding each other up in a bid to please my mom, then they call me to let me know how bad the other monkeys are being. When all else fails, they tell my mother how hard it is because I’m making all the plans. Then the deathbed narcissist calls me from the hospital to ask why I’m being so mean and to just let her make all the decisions from her deathbed. Aaaaaarrrrggg! Half the time she doesn’t even know where she is but the narcissist need to control is so strong she is able to wind everyone up. She’s had cancer since 2018 and has done nothing to wind up her affairs and business. Property liens, county fines, elderly horses. Client’s horses scattered around the country in various stages of transport.
Absolutely crazy making. Trying to disengage while she’s still alive is impossible.
So even in death they still don't change 😮
Using family as their flying monkeys is the worst ... friends are terrible ones too but family has that extra betrayal feelings. The hurt is devastating and deep which is why they use them to hurt us. It leaves you not knowing who to turn to or trust. To have them constantly trying to hurt you in any way they can and tell so many lies (flipping everything they did to you -DARVO) is draining and just horrible as you try to stay silent , not defend yourself and stay grey rock. Exhausting & Torturous!!
They' didn't get to see what you were living with behind closed doors.
You said that 100%!!!! Correct. It is DEVASTATING. The ultimate betrayal....by your own children...because the narcissist love bombed them, when he NEEDED them....after being gone for 35 years. It was a 🗡 dagger. I'll never forget.
My hair is falling out, stress sucks
From my experience with narcissists, they can become very dangerous when losing control over you. The best thing you can do with a spouse/sexual partner is to go no contact as soon as you realize who you are dealing with and go so far as to move away as far as you can.
I am now dealing with a covert "Christian" narcissist friend. It took me about 6 months to realize that this person was a narcissist. The realization came when the narcissistic rage appeared. There were other red flags inconsistent with the Christian faith that she was espousing. She tried to control the way I dressed (long dresses to the floor, long sleeve tops up to the neck, no makeup, no jewelry except wedding rings/wrist watches, can't style/color your hair, you must never cut your hair, you can't wear perfume, etc...) mind you I am OLD, and I dress modestly to begin with. The walking on eggshells feeling is making me sick, so I have begun the slowly backing away and will make my no contact move over time as I know she will seek out badly needed supply elsewhere. I can tell she will use flying monkeys to do her violent dirty work. Narcissists absolutely cannot be trusted, they will take revenge if they believe you have hurt them in anyway, even if the narcissist's wounding is all in their mind, and not even reality. You may not have any idea you have hurt the narcissist.
She has mental problems and is not about her being christian
"Narcissists absolutely cannot be trusted, they will take revenge if they believe you have hurt them in anyway, even if the narcissist's wounding is all in their mind, and not even reality. You may not have any idea you have hurt the narcissist."
Its good to study Cults too.
I had an almost identical experience with a woman named out in Northern Utah who played me like a fiddle for eleven months claiming to be 'Christian' saying and doing All the right things Until that 'mask' came off. Watch Out ! Trust your deepest instincts and Intuition at ALL times when dealing with these people , look Past the engaging 'smiles' and magnetic charismatic Charm, look Past the Outward seeming 'RIGHTEOUS' behavior and Listen, Ever So Closely to your deepest inward Intuition !
Nailed that!
I will watch this several times to ensure I embrace all of this in my mind.
Thank you for explaining in detail the discarding patterns of the Narcissists personality and about practicing Self- Compassion. I have been going through this with a family member and it nearly took me down completely. Keep up the good work Dr Ramani. Thank you for helping me to make sense of a very complex situation that is often hard to explain to others who dont understand tje dynamics of this disorder and abuse by others.
What was said at 19:45 was priceless advice. ❤ If you start to doubt yourself when you know you are right, you will end up back in the pit.
Experienced this to a tee last February, with a narcissist friend. A RIDICULOUS blow up about me “pulling for” a sports team that isn’t theirs. I stood up for myself and WOW, they just went all the way off the rails! and they’re still not done ruminating on it, they just brought it up again a few days ago. Also I have noticed how they absolutely have to get people under control and they’ve been working for over a year or more to get someone who doesn’t want to speak to them anymore to be their “friend”- the other person was just tired of there malarkey but it’s like - well, you’re not allowed to abandon a narcissist, it’s all on their terms. Like, you will be my friend until I say so!
100% correct!❤
@@EightBallAnswers1 Like cats that implore you to pet them, bite you moments later, and then ignore you …. Until the next time they want your attention.
"Just Joking" is NEVER a joke. NEVER NEVER NEVER. And the SIlent Treatment is another tactic for a NPD person to get their way. My dear departed mom used that regularly as I was growing up.
If you aren't in on a joke about you, it's just bullying in disguise.
Their shame is held private by their rage, even though shame is a public emotion. They sacrifice others.
I fear for my life and those around me, at this point in time. My abuser is angry and ashamed
Be careful, try and get away quietly
Run...quietly
Don't waver. Gather your courage
It never ends well
My nieces flying monkeys are her parents. My brother and I were so close. I’m an empath. She is coming between us . Forgiveness is hard. I’m her scapegoat. She’s so manipulative and daddy’s girl at 37. She has most of my family fooled. They’ve never seen her evil emails . That I know of. My other brother adores her. I’m seeing the truth. And she canceled me. This gutted me. Losing my sibs love would devastating. I can’t fight anymore. I’m tired. I’ve had to grieve her. You are a wise woman. You hit my situation on the head!!!! But this brought me to my knees . And closer to God. Light will always overcome darkness.
So very sorry.
...a healthy person understands freewill while a narcissist/toxic/dark person is a master of coercion, sad indeed😔many thanks Dr. Ramani for all the insights🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
They pretend asking you many questions over and over and over again while collecting the information at the same time. You can see them texting sending some information, they think everyone is blind.
I have been following you for a long time and recently left a situation with the knowledge I’ve gained. I exited silently with my freedom and happiness. Thank you for everything you do. With your help my life is my own now.
It’s so frustrating when having to deal with these personality types in the family. Thanks for sharing these points, it helps to remind us it’s real and keep our sanity.
Try giving a narc a heartfelt and thoughtful gift, something meaningful, and then wait for their reaction...but dont react.
I did that once for my sister at Christmas. She loved high-end perfume, so I decided to splurge and get her a set from Dillard's. She didn't thank me, but instead called my now ex-husband (that she was having an affair with) and told him I was spending his money (I was working my own highly paid job and used my own money to purchase her gift). It was an eye-opener and one that I never repeated.
Wow @@loriqua6134
I get it
😵😱😱😱😭😭😭🙏🏽
@@loriqua6134they are sick.
I have listened to you for a few years now. Thank you for putting this information out there. We have needed this years ago. People, please pay attention! It will save your energy!
This was so helpful. I got shut down in an incredibly cruel way recently, by someone whom I thought I was on friendly terms. What I did was contribute to a conversation, accidentally, excitedly, interrupting, and he exploded in an extremely brutal and snobbish way. I was shocked, crushed, and disgusted. After gaslighting myself all night I asked myself "would I ever do that to someone?" and of course the answer was no. That's when I knew I needed to firewall this dude forever. He's so arrogant that thankfully I don't think he will notice and not bother me. We weren't that close. Unfortunately we have mutual friends, they've known him quite longer than I, but they are also aware and critical of his flaws. You reinforced my very strong belief not to triangulate this mess, regardless of their criticisms.
If he notices, I don't feel optimistic about any of it. Thanks for the advice to start finding support outside of this circle. It really hurts, as I just went through a divorce, and these guys were my first new friends I've had in a while.
My covert narc also did a lot of revenge. Hurtful things but ones that allowed him deniability. The added gaslighting was a special circle of cruel hell to live in.
Plausible deniability is the covert calling card.
This was the best podcast of all! Very clear and right to the point! I Love it! Thank you Dr. Ramani this one helped me a lot. I just broke free after 17 years of hell from an adult child in a shame rage cycle. I am starting to see who I am. I was completely blinded. I forgot who I was. Everything evolved around their drama. For me it's coming back fast and I so cherish the life and person I am. I feel the big weight lift from my chest,so freeing. I do what I want now, decorate how I want, there's no tension in my house. It's actually relaxing and freeing. It makes my heart flutter with joy. This is the best feeling in the world. You helped me recognize what the bad things were that were being projected onto me. I can not thank you enough. I have my life back.🥰
This so thoroughly spoke to me and rings as true in my experience of the narcissist! Thank you for all your content. It has been immeasurably helpful!
Betrayal from a few flying monkeys brought me to my knees. Still blown out of the water by this. I manage but will never fully heal from it. Their loss actually you know .. they’re the ones who are going to stay conned not me.
🌺 You will heal... Slowly & new Safe People will show up for you...🩷 You are not alone... Blessings!💞💞💞
You will ABSOLUTELY heal. Just do it out of spite. The narc is miserable, but you don't have to be so don't.
@@TouchdownJesusMB ✨🩵✨
@@japalmer2 💖
The flying monkeys will probably get burnt by him too
In your may happen list it may happen because they're just committed to misunderstanding you. Another one is that they recognize your authenticity.
Like Dr Ramani said there’s no room for two realities in a narc relationship, just the narcs reality
I recently went no contact with my siblings because of how they've always treated me. The gloves came off when our dad died and got even worse when our mom died. I deleted their contact information and am totally unavailable to them. So what are the flying monkeys doing? They are contacting extended family members and bad mouthing me to them. I was so grateful to one cousin in particular who let me know this was happening. I am not bad mouthing the siblings to others, but I am saying what is true and what is not. I saw a therapist after my dad died and then again after mom's death because these events caused the siblings to be even meaner to me. Neither of these therapists ever suggested that I was dealing with narcissists. They just listened to me whine for months until I got tired and quit. I've learned more from people like Dr. Ramani in the short time I've been watching videos by her and others and I can't tell you how much this information is helping me. Thank you so much.
Therapists don’t understand abuse or narcissism. I was in therapy forever. That’s their goal and how they make money
Hi Dr.; Thank you for raising our awareness !! ❤
I was ghosted after being honest about how i felt about how i was being treated, they became a totally different person. Thanks for explaining
Learning to not care what the narc thinks has helped me the most, along with learning how to demand respect and set boundaries. It was really funny when he tried to set one for me. He is pretty clueless.
Mine “went on vacation” with the kids, called and said “I won’t ask for alimony if you let us stay here” and when I said she can’t do that, called CPS and falsely claimed I beat our children. WORST PERSON EVER.
Ugh she’s disgusting. That’s low!
I had a narcissist get mad at me because I wouldn't take a drug possession charge for her. She figured that because it was a "first offense" for me I would get "diversion and probation". She was facing jail. In her thinking, I should have fallen on the sword for her. They were her drugs! She then spent weeks berating me for not loving her enough. Thankfully she was right. It took me a long time to get there.
Good choice! My ex husband convinced me to transfer all his debt to my cards and then go bankrupt! "To give our child a fresh start in life." That's right, I was in bankruptcy court at 8 months pregnant.
Yeah, my ex-wife was mad that I talked to the police after the neighbors called the cops on her for DV on me. "I wasn't her 'ride or die'."
I cannot thank you enough. This video explained so much of my current state and it’s so helpful for my own mental wellbeing 🙏🏼❤
My Narc is crying and begging for me to not abandon him in his time of need. I feel sorry but know all to well its a tactic. Im struggling on how to leave entirely. Then I also remember all the things the Narc has done to me and my children! Thank you this video helps!
You should feel sorry for yourself and your children, not for him. He has a choice to not be abusive. There is no excuse. He knows what he's doing and doesn't care. When you start feeling sorry for yourself and your kids instead of feeling sorry for him, then you'll know you're on the path to healing.
Who knows , i Never believe Story from one side.
Eyes don’t lie
Don't show mercy the narc didn't show u any of it.. let it go.. sad shit u got kids with a narc that is why i always use a rubber
They would leave you in your time of need! Just happened to me 😢
@@zeroeightz stay strong and keep no contact
Wow. Watched this all the way through and feel a lot more content with my recent decisions.
My mothers rage was more of a "i feel sorry for myself " tantrum. If i didn't engage or call her out, she'd hang up on me and give me the "silent treatment" for weeks. Then, out of the blue, she'd call or text me and act like nothing ever happened. Of course I never forgot what she did. I've been in trauma therapy for the past three years, and I am finally on the other side of it. What a wake up call. I feel so much loss of what I missed out on in my life and I'm grieving. I also realize this is normal. I went "no contact" with my entire family. I realize they are all toxic. Thanks for this video, it's all so relatable.
I can’t stand how they think if the sun sets everything starts anew the next day.
So weird how they do that. Finally got rid of a narcissist co worker. It was a mess and a long story. The evil (also narcissistic) boss just hired her back. Told another co worker to “come here” And hugged them like nothing happened. 🫣Pfft.
The single child in an Asian family serves as both golden child and scapegoat. Being harshly scolded for being ungrateful when pursuing one’s own life - a normal one, or standing up to describe the truth after sensing the gaslighting, or expressing one’s own thoughts which happens to be different from the parent’s, or doing anything not exactly matching the parent’s ‘never communicated’ imagination, or bringing up being physically abused several times in childhood for which the parent genuinely doesn’t remember.
As a single child and a truth teller, living in emotional abuse and enablers’ suppression for years, it’s the time.
Did you ever see the movie Everything everywhere all the time? You would enjoy it
Shuwenson , gosh that's a lot to put on one child, expectations blame projecting etc. I hope you are doing well now.
I pray for you, me and people like us who face such unfortunate situations. We are loving and resilient.. We are brave and strong that's why God tests us by putting us in such circumstances.
Dr Ramani.
You are a life saver, and sanity saver and a humanity saver. You have saved me on so many levels❤
Dr. Im so happy to have found your site. I have lived through hell as most scapegoats do. The dysfunction is text book. From the golden, blk sheep, & invisible child. My mother the narcisst alcoholic, my father codependant.
Parents elderly now needing care. I have been there for parents. While siblings nowhere to be found.
I recently decided enough. Im not doing anything more for my parents. My mothers in hosital and dad needs full time care.
I told them to step up they have but of course siblings & parents guilting shameing me into coming back to care for them.
Thanks for explaining the grey rock response vs the stonewall response.