The Two Codependent Personalities: Why You Need To Know About Both
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- In this episode of Heal The Hurt podcast I am going to share the fascinating polarity of the two codependent personality types and the characteristics of each. Codependency can be characterized as living in one of 2 extremes.
On one extreme is the under-empowered and at the other end of the spectrum lies the falsely-empowered.
Discover why the rarely mentioned falsely-empowered codependent requires just as much of empathy, understanding, and help and many times gets confused for being narcissistic.
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Hi, I'm Kenny, a Coach, RUclipsr, Podcaster, and Author in Phoenix, Arizona. I make videos about the strategies and tools to help you heal from emotional hurt to elevate your life. I'm an advocate for truth, healing, and personal responsibility.
I also have a weekly podcast called Heal The Hurt (geni.us/health.... I also write a weekly email newsletter with tips and resources to break free from self-destructing behaviors and learn to love yourself and live your best life to feel powerful through empowerment.
One thing I've learned is admitting things doesn't make you separate or bad or defective! It's so freeing! The burden of trying to be perfect is gone..
Perfectly said.
I’m nearly 50 .. my step mum dying last year ripped any remaining scales from my eyes .. I thought I was well on the way to healing but I wasn’t .. my dad is shining his full toxic array of colours and I’ve tried to Sheild my adult son and daughter from his manipulation .. in the process I’ve realised how my behaviour is still co dependant and I have to trust their relationships and their judgements and be around for healthy discussions and we’ve done that .. I’ve had opportunities to talk with my son and daughter without having to force an issue .. and I’ve asked them to never be afraid to be honest and open with me .. when I’m off my game and in my high horse they mustn’t be afraid to rein me in … I’ve talked out the books I’ve bought and I’ll pass them on .. I’ve held my hands up to all the times my head was so far up my arris is choked my colon … I’m so very lucky that my children are patient and forgiving and tog et her we work it out … I’m in a far better place to help guide them with their insecurities and we acknowledge where we go wrong … the difference in our bond is like night and day … I know we’re just starting out on our journey but we’re all pulling in the same direction and that’s the magic … we love each other and respect each other and we’ve taken a huge leap out of a generational whirlpool of perfect imperfections … now I feel as though we’re breaking new ground and I can’t wait to become a granny one day 🙏.. best wishes to everyone embarking on this journey and I hope you find it liberating too.
It is freeing to be honest. The truth set us free ❤!
Love this! Yes, it's a weight lifted.
@@alleynejoelle yes indeed it truly does
My god?!?! I knew codependency wasn’t solely overly empathetic. This was my identity… I’m a victim and others take advantage of my kindness. In reality I’m filling my worthiness void with the gratitude of others.
"I have been abusive to my children." OMG you are so good to video yourself saying this. It is helpful. I asked my mom to open up her mind to the fact that she has contributed in her way to the problems in our relationship (that I'm not the sole culprit), and she couldn't. Parents making snide, sarcastic passive aggressive jabs at their children is highly problematic. It deeply hurts. The child has to shoulder the "blame" that they made you say it, they deserved that comment.
Yes I couldn’t help to be abusive because that’s what I was taught I was verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m in constant healing from years of incorrect teaching
@@coachingforchrist4090 Makes sense. She gave me a couple examples of things her parents said and did to her when she was a child and they were appalling. But when I pointed out to her the abusive way they treated her, she disagreed. She said they were teaching her lessons. So, like you say, it's a learned behavior. I know I learned some of my bad traits straight from my parents. She completely idolized hers. Would NEVER be disagreeable or confrontational with them, even when they were needlessly verbally attacking me. She stood by and stayed silent.
@@alleynejoelle Thanks for sharing.. its an honor to be heating and soaring, becoming better humans 🙂
This video doesn't show us how disfunctional you are. It shows how much presence, honesty, patience and work on ourselves it takes to proceed along this path of change. THANKS FROM THE HEART for allowing us to watch ourselves from the outside. 🙏
Thank you so much! 😂
Beautifully stated. . . And boy is it worth it to become the best versions of ourselves. . . Blessings. . .
I’m a millennial female over impowered. Because I’m so detached I never saw myself as co dependent. I’m so grateful to have clicked on this video!! I feel so validated thank you & god bless you!!
Hello Kenny. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video. The idea of co-dependency in both directions (over and under empowered) has just about blown me away - in a positive sense. It clicked in my head a few times while watching the video. It fits sooo well with what I'm currently discussing with my therapist (balance between autonomy and connectedness). And thank you also for your open words about yourself - I don't see that as unprofessional, on the contrary: I see your authenticity in it and find it exemplary. All the best for you, peace!
I soooo appreciate your own vulnerability. How refreshing from my psych, who never shared anything about herself for almost 35 years, and was like a parent to me. So wrong.
Thank you
Appreciate your self-awareness, sincerity, compassion, and humility.
Thank you
I am so glad you pointed out that we can swing back and forth between under and over empowered. That's me. This is all very helpful.
You are very welcome
I am too.
Over-empowered, way more, the last few years- emotionally and physically, probably because I realize the other way isn’t working for me anymore. 🤪 When I fell a month ago, I didn’t allow myself to be in touch with it, despite bleeding from a bad scrape on my left. I bandaged it up and went right to the gym, deciding I’m not going to let this get in my way. I’m on my own. Then a week later, My right leg was really bothering me, and I learned I sprained it. My father told a nurse after I smashed my left knee meniscus a long time ago, “My daughter has a high tolerance for pain,” and to give me more pain killers. Ah connections!
It was soo painful to watch this,i hv to admit that i am the overempowered codependent,closed off alot.been completely alone for a year now,i really want to connect but for me 1.i dont feel like its safe for me to open up 2.im always scared that once i do commit or fall in love that the other person would just turn on me and i would be trapped with a narc.
We develop those defensive skills because for a period of time they work. They help us navigate the painful situations of our childhood.
Eventually, as an adult, they stop working and they start creating more problems in our life.
In your other comment I left you suggestions that will help you if you feel you’re ready to heal?
I had no idea what an empath was until a few people labeled me as one. I started researching and I felt convicted. It seems like a term being tossed around as though it's something to be glorified. I don't want the glory and don't need the glory. I don't want people attaching themselves to me and looking for me to give them life. I'm not God, nor do I need the recognition or glorification as though I am God. I'm a human who has been broken and hurt by others but I don't need or want to he on a pedestal because of my trauma. I want healing and freedom that I've only been able to find in Jesus. Everyone and everything else left me depleted and empty. I want restoration and it most certainly doesn't come solely from people.
Churches and Christian's love empaths, they have no idea!
I love how you are real and with your admitting your stages in recovery is a blessing that shows it is a journey. ❤❤❤
I’ve been on self discovery journey since as long as could read. I have watched countless hours of these type of videos for years and you have spoken to me more than any other.
It's crazy isn't it. Hours and hours and I've never herd it explained this way. It makes so much Sense.
This man is brilliant! I am so grateful to have discovered him! What a life changer!!❤❤❤
Kenny , I always thought the overpowered Codependent was a Narcissist..Thank you so much for Explaining this ! I was the Perfect Child to get Love , Exhausting !! Again Thank you for EXPLAINING ALL the Perfectly Imperfect !! People ❤
This is really helpful! I'm trying to sort out my codependency and you touched on a lot of things I've never considered. Thanks!
Glad it was helpful John!
Wow! I am in tears, this is the last puzzle piece that had to fall in place. Just filed for divorce, and was so torn up about it because I still love him and feel so selfish for wanting to separate. While I am the classic underpowered co-dependent he is the over-empowered one. I was so confused and unable to understand why our behaviours were like an echo chamber reinforcing this state of chaos and hurt. I am grateful that I found therapy, support groups and good friends that put the mirror in front of me and was able to see the truth finally. Breaking up is like mercy for both of us. I will find my way out of this pit, (and how co dependent of me to say) hope that he will too and I will be able to stay away and not control his recovery/downfall and honor this boundary.
I love how you call yourself out and laugh at yourself. That's so refreshing. It makes me like you more. :)
This is an awesome video!Everyone used to tell me I was too nice. I went to therapy and learned it was my way of dealing with my own traumas. When I started to put my boundaries in place I was all of a sudden heartless. So I let myself become totally unaffected. I wasn't. Deep down I was severely affected and had to learn how to be more balanced. I went to CODA with my narcissistic mom as a child, and so its been a triggering experience to become more honest with myself about my own reality of who I am. I love that you're all about reality and honesty. Its been the key to working things out with my traumas. Love your work! Thank you for these awesome tools!
I am happy what I teach is a help to you. ;-)
@@kennyweiss Him any many others. God love you for helping us now , the way you were taught.
Finding out I'm codependent is one of the hardest pills I've had to swallow in my life. I appreciate your honesty and help.
I love your transparency. It's truly appreciated.
Thank you 😁
You are putting into words what I found out about myself, my family and dynamics within our familysystem. I felt so manipulated by an overempowered empath, even thought she is a narcissist.
Thanks for bringing out the difference between empath and codependent. I am just binge watching some videos for my own inner work. ❤
I love the explanation about empaths.
I see myself as an empath but I don't let everyone and everything sway me. I have had trouble with loss, I would really go into depression, feel I couldn't live without said person. I've been working on myself for the past 3 years and my faith in God has really helped me step into my self worth in God.
I am learning so much from you, thank you for your generous videos explaining this!!
You bet
I love what you do and I take away something from each video. I think that codependents live their whole life, living just under the radar. We’re never sure who we are and never want others to find out who really is behind that mask.
Beautifully said and so true👏👌
Guilty of the less than over acheiver who hates intimacy from being rejected for over acheiving and rejected for under acheiving.
I did both alternately at times and tried to figure it out my whole life.
Superb video @kenny! Knowing you can vacillate between over and under powered codependent is a great and helpful distinction. As is starting out as overpowered and switching to underpowered when a relationship is secured.
This makes so much sense. I’ve never heard it presented this way. Thank you for taking the time to make this video.
You’re very welcome. I have a whole codependence playlist which would probably really help you if you’ve never heard the difference between the two before.
Thanks so much for your vulnerable sharing. It's really great in that you become our stepping stone to healing. I was in therapy last year and felt so incompatible with my doctor. She had some type of grandiosity, and I felt a bit judged. Also, thanks for pointing out these realities that we are so oblivious to. I agree. Once I admitted that I had secondary gains from being an empath, it was an awakening. Lol at the illusion that sometimes I know it all. Today, I practiced not instructing but coaching, and only when asked😉. I'm catching myself, it's oh so beautiful and yes, I am starting to enjoy this process. It's fun. It's life's lessons. Challenging yet fulfilling. Scary too 😳 oh and there's funny aHa moments 😄
Precious beyond words. ❤
Yesss, i am the coindependent. I dont need anyone...i am strong and nothing hits me. This is the mask i have....in the past i acted more codependent. From one wall to the other. That costed me a lot of development...now growing to the in between situation...it takes so long and it cost me so much effort. I had a very difficult youth and the most surprising part of it is that i survived it. Now still attracting very destructive people. But working on it. Step by step. Thank you for you knowledge and vibes. It helps!
Sometimes expressing passionately can be confused for over empowerment is not over empowerment but deep commitment to a belief or understanding that worked for themselves.
@joanaziz745 Ah, yesss! When I uncover a new-to-me-truth, it is so empowering, so life-giving, so inspiring that I enthusiastically share with those I care about… and usually they don’t receive it the way I presumed they would!
A short period of time later, after I’ve been on top of the world with my joyful, hopeful, childlike wonder, everyone-needs-to-know-this enlightenment, I am, again, despondent, depressed, self-deprecating, withdrawing, avoiding contact and connection.
This helped me put some crucial pieces together, thank you! I love your transparency. It’s refreshing. Because at the end of the day… we are all perfectly, imperfect, as you humbly break it down 🙏🏼
Probably one of the best topics you have done for us! Had me deeply reflecting. I am getting counseling and at least I can describe what my problem is from all this learning for best focus!
I hate how a lot of other utubers make empaths seem totally normal people and focus on the narcissist hate and never teach that they are very abnormal too! It will s a two way problem or we would never have let these toxic others in our lives to fool us!
My light bulb moment was when you said that someone on an extreme end could swing to the other end when they start their healing journey. All the stuff I've heard about codependency so far is on the disempowered type. I haven't been overly nice all my life the way I have been recently. I was always the tough, focused and intimidating woman. So of late I've found myself wondering whether my older self, which ought to have known better, is more stupid than my younger self. Now I know that it was just a massive swing after I started my healing journey 3 years ago. I believe that there are perks of both sides depending on the circumstances. Thanks for this video 🙏
As a believer in Christ and His work of redemption, I go thru this journey you describe. My strength ? The knowledge that the truth always makes free. Every kind of lie is a prison. I like your approach. I surprised myself many times reacting with "amen !" (that means : it's right, I agree !). I think the worse thing I can do is living in denial and fleeing the confrontation. The first pain makes actually the way open to relief. From that place, you stop to juge falsely and you can step into forgiveness. Blessings !
I have experienced both of these
Also in my opinion you judge yourself a little to harshly. Thanks for this. It explains so much about me and you are the first ive heard it from. Keep on keeping on!
I WORKED AS A PSYCHOLOGIST FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS I ACCOMPANIED MANY PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH CODEPENDENCY INCLUDING ME AND I AGREE WITH MOST OF THE CONTENT AND WHAT REALLY SATISFIED MY SOUL IS YOUR TRANSPARENCY.BLESSINGS COLLEAGUE
This is the most authentic and helpful videos I have found on co-dependency. Thank you for your vulnerability, research, honesty...
Oh my gosh! I was listening thinking this explains 2 different people being codependent but I could never put an explanation to it like you did. Then the honesty of the self awareness ! Wow! That’s me definitely. Even if you’re the only other one like that… knowing we are not alone is so comforting. Thank you!
Wonderful!
I learned and laughed. Wonderful video.
Wow, I love your honesty ! Wow !
Very grateful that i have discovered your videos. Gives validation and education for my own healing. Thank you.
Wow, this is as real as it gets. Kenny, this is brilliant info, very liberating and clearly explained. . . What a relief to be perfectly imperfect, and just be yourself. Love it !!! Way to go. . . Blessings. . .
Watching this in 2024. Such an excellent video and resource when it comes to self knowledge and working through self development. Thanks for making it.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thankyou so much for this video! I'm a Borderline who keeps falling for codependents... mostly overempowered and trying to get out of the trap right now. I'm working on getting rid of my rescue fantasy so I stop believing their fake help which ends up being an excuse to control me.
Thank you for this podcast. I found the answer for that little doubt I had when I thought I deal with the narcissist.... Some work is to be done, but will be done. I believe in it!
You are welcome :)
Your personal honesty helps me more than any therapy teachings alone
Thank you for helping me understand my imperfections and I am optimistic about my future challenges.
You are so welcome!
Great video! For my husband, he’s has moment as a father but is consistent with his narc traits as a spouse. But it doesn’t come out at all over the phone or when he meets new people.
Thank you, Kenny. I really appreciate your sharing. I want to heal from my childhood trauma and have a strong sense of self so I can have peace with myself so I can have meaningful relationships with other people.
I
Wow I didn't plan on taking my "medicine" today but I guess that's when it helps the most; when we need it, not want it ! Thank you, sincerely
Terri Cole breaks out these 2 types. Her book is Boundary Boss. Thank you for all your work on helping us all heal.
You are so welcome
1.chilhood trauma
2.low self esteem
3.to needy for someone else to take care of them
4.dysfuntional boundaries
A.over share
B.too distand
Your podcasts are literally saving me!🙌
I’m happy to hear that
Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty here 💕 I appreciate it. So helpful to see both sides of it, much more aware of my own shadows now too.
You are so welcome!
The advice on the professionals was on point. The moderation part is very helpful also. Thank you.
You’re welcome
I cant even deny this😞😖😭,not needing help,defensive,not vulnerable,detached;i move on real quick after a breakup,;rage;i just cant control my rage i have my episodes and when i do i often find myself biting myself or cutting myself inorder to feel better..how do i change iv always wondered whats wrong with me,now i know,i really want to heal plz help!
That is so sad to hear you are in so much pain and have experienced so much pain in your life. You have tremendous courage in that you want to heal.
If it were me and I were in your shoes, I would start learning how to heal my childhood trauma.
To do that I would take advantage of my free master class which shows you how to start the process.
I would also encourage you to pick up my book so you can understand the process more deeply.
After doing those two things, if you really feel like you’re ready to continue, I would suggest hiring a professional like myself.
If those suggestions work for you, here’s the link to my free master class-
thegreatnessu.com/p/your-journey-to-emotional-mastery
And here is the link to my book- www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1981471014/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1628359317&sr=8-3
@@kennyweiss Thanks alot for responding.
@@deenique3112 you are so welcome 😁
I like the style of your delivery Kenny. I do not take it either way...I take it as the authentic YOU. I think people are drawn to these videos because you come across as real.
Yes, I'm glad you shared your personal journey in addition to the distinctions. Very helpful ❤️
Glad it was helpful!
Nice to see a happy helpful person on u tube. Thank you!
Happy to help!
Your honesty is a great teacher. I see myself in your confessions
God bless you for sharing this content. I am just starting my journey 🙏
You are so welcome
Thank you once again Kenny. You have made sense of it all, the opposite traits of codependant victims. God bless you.
kick-ass analysis!
Kenny Thanks for being so authentic and transparent with us. It seems…Sometimes teachers or counselors stay quiet about their own experiences and then I think they have it all figured out. You are a great example of “Healer, Heal thyself first” thanks for keeping it real with all of us on this path of healing.
Hi , you are so sincere , I love that!
This is by the best description of how it is to be codependent, fun as it is to watch this video i see myself just like you the stuck feeling about the grandiose feeling and you just want to be there for a longer time. I see that as a strength and it feels great when you don't have to always think or do what the others tell you to do. Even if codependence is not about that but at the same time i like to be in the center of everything. Such a great video, many thanks for creating this reflection. Best regards.
Forever grateful I happened to click on one of your videos one day because your videos and book have changed my life significantly. Thanks to you, my struggles of my past make sense and I'm now in a much much healthier place!!
I appreciate your honesty and transparency. A lot to think about - uplifting!
I couldn't take notes fast enough 😊 thank you so much
You're welcome 😊
11:21 Isn't being detached an avoidance behavior to keep that deep hurt from resurfacing?
16:52 Your show 'n tell moment is quite disarming for being so brutally self-revealing. Maybe getting the social media attention can be very intoxicating. Quite human.
28:04 This is really a messy state of mind verging on vertigo. No disparaging intended.
36:17 '...the healthy adult can take information from all sides and navigate....' That's the work I need on myself.
All in all, this is a full plate buffet to digest. The intricate nuances that are described here have opened up a whole new perspective for me. Thanks.
Kenny, I'm so glad I found your channel today, you have helped me so much in understanding what I've been trying to figure out myself and the woman I've been for so many years... I'm now on my healing journey to a better me!
Good for you 🎉👏
Kenny, This is totally off topic and I have to say how much I enjoy your use of color in your decor and wardrobe. Fantastic! I’m an artist that loves color, so I support your expression. That being said, thank you also for your teachings on co-dependence. It is helping both my husband and I accept and handle some NARC relatives right now. Heartbreaking, sad, and yet I’m grateful that the mask has slipped.
But Sir,.........you do come with a different perspective understanding the empath..... And I like it !!!!.... I am not always moderate......
12:22 this is important thing to realize
Your honesty and vulnerability is admirable. Great video as usual.
Thank you. I am happy to hear it works for you.
Admitting your truth the way you do is the most healing experience i have ever experienced.
This is so good. Thanks for your vulnerability and wisdom.
You are a great role model. You are vulnerable, imperfect and humble. It's hard to accept uncertainty in our lives, but when we do it frees us to learn and grow.
Thank you! Wish my former therapist had been this open and honest! The good is that I’ve now heard it!
Don’t stop sharing ❤
I love you Kenny! Your videos have helped me heal from my codependency pain more than any other tools I used.
Glad to help
Incredible video❤
Greatly appreciate your sincerity Mr. Weiss (open-hearted warts-and-all approach, sharing your own experiences). You explained towards the end why that is important in the client-therapist relationship. It definitely makes a big difference! Can identify with a lot of what you said. Understanding!
Thank you Kenny. Just thank you. ❤️🩹💓
Kenny you are the BEST! Ty, ty, ty.
You are so welcome😁
Kenny!! Thank heaven for you & your work. I stumbled upon your channel as I scoured RUclips for videos on narcissism. I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years & for the past couple of years had been noticing increasingly narcissistic qualities in my partner. And boy was I blame shifting!
But then I asked myself, “I have fallen in love with a narcissist & stayed with him now for 11 years, what does that say about me?” Then I found your video on 7 Ways We Attract Narcissists. TOTAL LIFE CHANGER!
With your work serving as a catalyst for me, I am now able to see myself as a primarily falsely empowered, love avoidant co-dependent in recovery.
I am planning on taking your emotional mastery program & ordering your book, along with the Pia Melody books you recommended. Again, truly, THANK YOU ❤️
Hi Kenny, the way Codependency is described in this video I’m not codependent. I don’t do things to manipulate. I set an intention to implement my plan. I think boundaries are important. I may possibly be healing from being codependent. I do know it’s healthy for a person to interact with human beings that’s our nature. You did just say the importance of moderation. Now I’m starting the video over.
What a great video! Thank you very much for your candor.
WoW !!! Your Christmas’s sounded fabulous 🌟🎄 Great memories!!
Yes it was!
Wow I really love ur talk . I’m 68 and have learned a lifetime of knowledge in this one video . Ur my best Xmas present yet this year maybe ever . Well maybe I don’t want to empower u toooo much
My group leader, a PSYD. Is not hurting. He lives in the present. I think he’s past the phase to let go because he does it automatically.
The underlying reason we react emotionally is related to our ANS. The Science of Psychology discovered Neuroplasticity; therefore by practicing DBT>CBT> Mindfulness skills and meditation 20 minutes a day. A person will change their thoughts and behavior. I realize this starts with the basics. First knowing what mindfulness is. Second understanding what being in the moment is. Third experiencing our feelings. A plethora of many things that are connected to our emotions. I agree it starts with childhood. I agree I am a perfectly imperfect human being. I do learn from your knowledge and experience. I don’t believe a person who is willing and working in a consistent manner will remain stuck. It’s a process.
I love this Chanel. So thankful
This video is AWESOME❤… Thanks
Glad you liked it!
Kenny, you’ve opened my eyes a bit and helped me understand some things about myself and my past. You also remind of Ric Flair which is dope.
You nailed it!! Im gonna send this to all my cases who call themselves an "empath"!...great!
I just want to say well done on your self analysis and discovery and having the courage to be open and vulnerable enough to work through your trauma. And for teaching others about this.
This also sounds so much like narcissism so it's codepency not narcissism?
This is a big video! Sooo much information and insights. The freedom here I felt is that we can accept our imperfections and then flow with them....both ways in a relationship. I see you are demonstrating this with humor...
Thank you very much