I was mislabeled as a narcissist when going through a mental health crisis in my late 20s. I was high on amphetamines when the attending psychiatrist diagnosed me. Once I stopped taking speed and getting hammered I was able to start recovery work and another psychiatrist reversed the diagnosis. The label really hurt, however. My therapist back in those days informed me that the fact that the label caused me to wonder about my effect on the other people in my life, and that considering the notion that I may be hurting them and not seeing it, was painful to me, proved that I was not a narcissist but something else. I see that now, 25 years later. Thank you. I was always very careful after that label was applied to me because when I investigated narcissism proper it seemed like a real NPD is a monster. I don't think I'm a monster. I can love, I can have empathy . . . just not perfectly all of the time. In fact, my inability to regulate empathy - and have porous boundaries - caused many more problems for me than the times I was hard and grandiose. Thanks for these videos. Learning about codependency is of paramount importance. How come most shrinks don't talk about it? I quit going to my therapist a long time ago because talking about myself all the time was getting frustrating, and seemed unproductive : I wanted to change, and it wasn't - isn't - happening. Maybe knowing about codependency is what I needed all along. This is the first time I have heard of it.
Codependency and vulnerable narcissism often go hand in hand. And narcissists are addicted...to narcissistic supply. When narcissists are not addicted, they are not narcissists! They fall more on the sociopathy/psychopathy spectrum.
I just wanted to add that in a world rampant with trauma and mental illness, sometimes with our pets is the safest place to find connection. Even if not a "true" connection, the safety gives it value and appeal.
I have struggled greatly in my past 2 relationships. I've been built up and torn down several times. I'm 42 and have had 2 long term and 1 short and have never spent more then a month or so being single. These videos have help me more then I can say. I am starting to understand that yes the behavior I have experienced was wrong but the behavior I gave in return was just as wrong. It is painful to come to this realization. Also grateful to be seeing there is a path to a healthy version of seeing things. I know it will be a long road but I am ready. Thanks for these videos.
I swear this is me. I feel like I can be SO narcissistic but I’m aware of all my mistakes and deep down all I want to do is help others. I am an addict in many ways but cycle through each one. I am in therapy and am finally getting help for myself.
Kenny, you have eased my pain and concern for a loved one. I now understand that healing is possible. Hearing about your inner struggles was a lightning bolt of clarity. Thank you so much!
I think empathy is another distinction from what I have seen ! I believe co dependents feels empathy where narcs do not. I am a psych nurse and have worked with these people. I understand there could be co defendants that may have a lack of empathy. However, I think there is a little more grey area there than understood. Just my thoughts !
It’s really helped me to understand the difference between the two. I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it was very painful in more ways than one!
This was insane I really needed to listen to this. I am trying to heal after realizing I was dating a narcissist for 5 years every single point mentioned just hit too perfectly especially with how consistent it was no matter what. I wish I stumbled on this video sooner. I am realizing that I am a falsely empowered codependent. There is so much I want to understand about myself and for such a long time I was constantly being told that I'm insane and crazy. I tend disconnect, runaway pretend that everything is okay. I move towards vices wheather its pouring my attention into my games, drugs, pets and moving my intimacy away by removing sex when I felt vulnerable. I go through these phases where everything is great and then I go into these erratic periods where I just feel very self conscious and my anger and fear shows. I really recognize I have my moments and I do want to be better. I have a hard time reaching out for help but I am really wanting to heal. Thank you for sharing this.
You are very welcome and I appreciate your vulnerability. I would suggest watching the videos on my codependency playlist, picking a Pia Mellody’s book Facing codependence and also picking up my book your journey to success. All three will really help you
Maybe my now deceased mom, was not a narcissist, but highly code pendants. She suffered a lot. She came to this world, not wanted during 2WW, her father, my grandfather, was a German soldier, that was part of the occupation in Denmark. Back then was horrible, because my grandmother had a child with "the enemy" back during the war. My grandmother passed her shame to my mom. That shame hurted me, and my 2 older sisters. My mom also gave me warm and love. Now I see it clearly after your video. Thank you Kenny, muck appreciate 🙏
A big "Thank you!" You have answered a question that's been bugging me for years. I couldn't understand why people who obviously were not narcissists, could have traits that were narcissistic! When you mentioned that you "bounced", it started to come together for me. Appreciated your quoting from the diagnostic manual. You are genuine, and willing to expose your own struggles, which is helpful.
Kenny, I’m so glad you’ve explained these two comparisons. I’ve been listening to you and others on podcast providing examples of narcissist personality types. But now when comparing the 2, I realize that my friend is a co-dependent person. My friend and I have been dating for 2+years, for a while I was being screamed on, yelled at, even down to the TV. I set boundaries stuck to them and we moved slowly by talking threw some of the issues. We argued, well he argued about politics but didn’t vote, he even admitted that he pushed me too far. He’s 72 years old and I’m 65 years old, and he’s a lawyer, diagnosed with Depression & anxiety disorder, but gets his treatments regularly. Because he’s lost so much because of his illnesses., After I listened to you explain it I believe he’s co-dependent. I’m being vigilant, there’s been no more yelling screaming or TV time, and this whole situation opened the door to more conversations that were met with acceptance. I feel more people should listen to your podcast on Co-dependency vs. Narcissist. And I’ll look & read other information you mentioned. Thanks for all the information.
This helps me with forgiveness of myself and my husband who left me when I became severely and chronically ill. These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!
These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!
Wow, this gives me so much insight on what I thought was narcissistic behavior but never quite fit. Grew up with this as my parent and it's the puzzle peice I needed on my journey of understanding. Thank you so much for the in depth analysis. I also applaud your personal vulnerability. That is not an easy thing to do, especially on socials, and builds a level of trust and respect for you that typically takes me a long time to give out.
Mr Weiss, with Ramani Durvasula and Dr Les Carter, you have broken down narcissism and categories of co-dependency (falsely empowered Co-dependent) which has been eye opening, illuminating as well as thought provoking. I can’t say it often enough, many thanks sir, for this poignant vid for us novices when it comes to psychological issues. 🙏🏿
I don't have pets at the moment. I just want to say that a narcissist will try to isolate you from any emotional connections you have, other than themselves, and this includes pets. They may try to find a reason to get you to get rid of your pets, or they may harm them in order to hurt you. I think we must be very careful of people who give ultimatums: choose between your pets and me. This is a classic control maneuver. I just wanted to make people aware of this. That's all. Carry on.
If I have to get rid of my animal for somebody then I’m not with the right person. The only exception is if my child has allergies then I would have to find a new home for my animal. But if a person comes into my life knowing that I have a cat or a dog and they’re allergic to them they need to tell me that upfront and not tell me later and then expect me to get rid of my animal friend! Animals are not objects either
Just feels like there is a spectrum of narcissism with full blown detachment and self importance at the top & awareness of ego at the bottom. Ego is a self identity we all have and seems to be part of the human experience for survival. Everyone has varying intensity’s of ego with complete non awareness of it being a narcissism and complete awareness of it being a functional human being. It seems the level of awareness is the determining factor.
HEY! This is so helpful. I'm not sure where I fall in now but I'm still fascinated about all of it. I am INFJ, natural observer, my mom married a narcissist when I was 8 and the show from them that I've gotten throughout my 39 years...wow. Step dad tortured me at a young age and my heart was falling by age 19 and I don't know how much longer I have left... watching and listening to you brings me comfort. Thank you friend and God bless you. ❤
Thank you for clarifying and confirming what I suspected this person in my family is a narc. I know i was codependent - it's how I was raised. and have worked on changing that for many years so my kids would benefit from my awareness.
Thanks you so much for your effort. Yes, I am this type of codependent... In my relationship with my vulnerable narc wife I experienced that I can be that way - but it was always a choice and she did not had this choice... At some point I blamed her for what I am in some way - but the truth is that I was this all my life. That probably attracted her in many ways... At some point I thought I developed this behavior as response to her suppression - ending up as a cheap copy of her without knowing where it came from. There were many vague situations when I realized that I have this narc-lookalike traits... and lots of situations when I attracted other narcs - probably for being realized as the better narc with generous attitudes... thats bed and breakfast for a real narc and never-ending story to get lost. All the Best !
What a fantastic explanation! Many thanks to you for this video and your others. Sooo many puzzle pieces are clicking together with each video that I watch.
Im coodependent, I have learned to stop my mistakes that come from my feelings, sometimes it's stronger then myself and I immediately recognize the fault after it happens. Sometimes I feel so bad for hurting the other person.
Thank you for this distinction! I've been thinking I had a covert narcissist in my life but with this info I think she is codependent. She definitely has those seasons you talk about. Friday I received a Facebook Message from her and today a letter in the mail. It was like they were written by 2 different people. Very jarring, but with your new info, it makes sense. She just had a change in season since mailing the letter. Thank you again! Keep up the great work!!!
I find it increasingly difficult to handle the pain. I love my friend. Also I acknowledge I am over my head. I lack the physical and emotional strength to support him. ❤
Thank you for this video. I just feel confused bc sometimes I think my mom is a covert narcissist because she lacks empathy does not wanna apologize and says mean things on purpose. And then when I overreact bc I am fed up with her comments, she’s always blame shifting. And sometimes I think it’s falsely empowered codependency and other times I think she could be a covert narcissist… she feels like her behavior is acceptable. it’s so very confusing to me…
Thank you so much for this. In the last few months I have done a lot of inner child work and thought my father was a narcissist but now it looks like false co dependent. He was neurotic , emotionally absent (still is but less ), drank a lot and traveled a lot for work growing up (so also physically absent). To this day he spends way more time on his iPad than his own wife (my mother) and or me when I visit. He is 71 years old. I don’t even know if it’s even worth bringing it up to him and pointing out these flaws. I struggle with wanting to heal our relationship / educating him on how much he impacted me by being this way. I’m leaning towards just accepting him the way he is because he is too old to change. So thank you for making me realize this has a name.
Really eye opening info. I never knew the difference and now it makes so much more sense. I thought I was with a narcissist and had to leave, now I know there is hope. Thank you for explaining in laymen's terms, really useful.
* I used to be a VERY unempowered codependant. And I think the fear is how weak, and pathetic that period in life looked. The grandiose persona comes from this "never ever again" personal statement
I love your honesty and how you are truthful about yourself. I am feeling better about my husband, maybe her is not an N, but a CO instead. Thank you. We are in therapy, we'll see where it goes. I will look for Pia Mellody. Is she a person or therapy style?
Look into object constancy. They can't see anyone as good with bad behaviors, or bad with good behaviors - they see people as all bad or all good. As narcissism is a shame based disorder, it would completely break them to admit any wrongdoing because they would see themselves as all bad because they lack the capacity for object constancy. Since their ego is so fragile, this would cause a narcissistic collapse due to the overwhelming shame they would feel, so they project their wrongdoing onto others to, in a sense, "deal with it."
@@bubito everyone has narcissistic traits, so he may not be if he is just stubborn/won't take accountability for faults. And, he cannot technically be called one if he has not been diagnosed. However, if many of the behaviors are present I would think it's safe to say that he's high on the spectrum of narcissism whether diagnosed or not.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm in a long-term relationship that is having some really hard times right now. And my boyfriend just labeled himself a narcissist and I told him you are a narcissist but you're not like the bad type of narcissist. And I didn't really know what I was saying and he didn't really know what I meant. Now I know what I meant. Thank you so much for this. I really hope this information can help my relationship but even if it doesn't it has helped me understand the difference and help me understand that I myself am codependent
You are so welcome and yes many people are confusing narcissism with codependence. I hope you had over to my codependence playlist? I have a bunch of videos that can really help you and if you decide you want to learn the skills and tools to heal the codependence I have an online program that’s only $47 a month and it’s incredibly powerful. If you’re interested I can tell you more about it
@@kennyweiss I'm actually currently watching them. I really want to save my relationship and I know he does too and we are just so lost and we don't know what to do. But we know we both love each other very much. I'm watching your videos and I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself because I'm pretty good about admitting that I'm wrong but I just didn't realize how wrong I was. But on the same note I'm realizing he's on the same boat. I'm sharing all the videos with him and he promised me that he will watch them whenever he gets home from work. He says that he really wants to make this work and that he's willing to do whatever he needs to to get healthy regardless if that's with or without me. I've been trying to push him to go to therapy for a while because I told him I can't be his therapist because I'm not perfect and I don't have the answers. Sorry for the long rant. But yes I am going to take the time to watch all of your videos on this because it relates and resonates a lot with my relationship
"But true connection is with a human being!" Thank you, people diappointed in people don't know what we people really are: The only being with freedom, the only being with an individual I/ spirit, the only being not specialized but unlimited and adaptable, which is difficult... He deserves our deepest interest, compassion, joy and care. There should be an other word for the falsely-empowered women though: Real Co-dependency gives and helps others to the point of getting sick, depleted and even dying, with compassion and self-sacrifice ,- which your new falseley empowered woman doesn't . If I got you right?
I am a high empath and you have helped me to learn much about myself. I like Wise did not think that I needed help coping, but I am beginning to see that I Probably need counseling.
As stated in my comment below, this was a most helpful video. I would, however, like to point out that our connection with animals is very real and important, even if it's different from that with humans. In my opinion, it can be a very healthy and helpful addition to one's life.
Wow!! Thank you for this information, you have eased my anxiousness over this topic. Thank you thank you thank you for your transparency on this subject ❤
Wow, this video has just changed everything for me! Thank you so much for this information. I feel a lot less confused now and so many gaps have been filled for my situation! My question is, how does this codependency effect the other person in the relationship? Could it look like an emotionally abusive relationship, where the FECD puts down the other person with the intention of feeling better about themselves, rather than the control that a narcissist seeks? And how would that effect the other person in the relationship, over time, if nothing changes?
I just wanted to thank u so much for recommending the book facing codependency.. it was such an enlightening book .. 🙏 It helped me understand that me and my partner suffered from co dependent.. in different ways... she is brilliant
You're so welcome! As I say all the time, if you are not familiar with Pia Mellody than you are not familiar with codependence. She is the best as far as I am concerned.
@@kennyweiss yes she is incredibly tapped into the hows and whys of peoples behavior and emotions... it gave me incredible insight into myself and the people in my life in a way that it made me able to be accountable for my own part heal and able to forgive the other party.. and move forward with an open but aware heart... and its such a relief and blessing and i just wanted to express my gratitude.. i know you probably deal with alot of misunderstandings in the comment section and just in general in this field... And i wanted you to know that some are able to see clearly thru how you share and what you share and be completely transformed and blessed by it... 😊🙏💕
Wow. Thank you for your hard work and for this very well explained differentiation between Narcissism and Falsely Empowered Co-dependent. I was married for 20 years to what I now believe was a Falsely Empowered Co-D as there was a lot of addiction. I am grateful to be able to name it and learn about it as it was a very difficult twenty years. I craved intimacy but only could get it at an arms length. Obviously I am a co-dependent to have found myself in that ‘relationship’. I’ve been out ten years and still learning and trying to figure us all out and how to be better🙃 I will read Pia’s book. My daughter and son-in-law have also discovered your work. You’re reach seems to be far and wide. Keep going💪🏼! Thank you greatly!
Thanks for the explanation/clarification. That explains a lot of what I have experienced with some guys. .including those I have met in self help or 12 step groups. I give them kudos for the awareness, however the behavior was very confusing for me. Professional help is always an asset, including yours truly. Not baffled anymore.. .love your videos about getting out of the victim identity, very helpful and freeing. Thank you
2:20 definitional characteristics from DSM (nine altogether):- 1. *having a grandiose sense of self-importance ... expects to be recognised as superior ... excessively references [high-status people] for ... self-esteem regulation...* 2. Fantasies 3. Unique - only wants to hang out with high-status 4. Attention. 5. Entitlement, expects compliance 6. Exploitative ... very little interest in other people's experiences, superficial relationships 7. *excessively tuned* to other people's reactions to themselves 8. Envious of others or *believes others are envious of him or her* 9. Haughty or arrogant
Now for codependence. There are two types of codependence. One looks like narcissism. This is the "empowered" version of codependence. Successful people can be like this: *"falsely empowered codependents."* . A *falsely empowered codependent* can look like a narcissist: walled-off, controlling, haughty, anti-dependent .... Culture: training people to be ... *"overinvested in achieving"* ... ... 11:00 differences: a codependent can be *aware* of making mistakes ... aware of avoiding intimacy ... and often (always?) have addictions - their work, their hobbies, pets, children .... The narcissist addiction is to self. Differences: - Awareness. - Addiction. - Persistence of traits.
First time listening and you make a lot a lot of sense. I already understand myself better in a way that I couldn’t put my finger on before. I’m an alcoholic almost two years sober and in AA. I’m separated with two small children and their mom is a covert narcissist without addiction besides herself.
This video realy make sence to make the diffenence! I´m codependent and I have a partner with codependency or covert narcisme. This video make things more clear. Although I´m still doubting if he is not using my energy as a supply, addiction........Where can I find more about that Kenny? Thank you so much.Also for sharing about yourself❤
I'm highly codependent, just recently understanding my issues from the past. My ex-girlfriend, after listening to I believe, is codependent. She just recently slammed a protective order against me for no reason. I was hurt, but I know that I'm working on myself and see the power dynamics. Everything is about control but the pain is still there waiting to be healed.
This just explained so much. I have a sibling that is like the highly addictive codependent. This explained so freaking much. Thank you. I am watching more of your videos.
You’re welcome I’m really happy it brought some clarity to you. I hope you subscribe and if you need tools to heal, remember I have a book and I also have master classes in the main one is free. All of that information can be found in the description on all of my videos if you feel those will help you😁
I think as humans we all have narcissistic tendencies (myself included) and some level of narcissism is much needed for people to take us seriously and hear wtf we're saying. If you come to a surgeon you want them to be confident in their skill, even if it comes off as arrogant or cocky. I feel like a level of bravado is a much necessary persona in the current social climate.
Thank you, even though it changes nothing. Ya, the reality wasn't accessible. I got tired of the heavy tirades, denial and lala Land. PIus, they don't verbalize awareness or attempt to let you know their internal side, what good does it do to know a label? If they hate help, why bother? If they create havoc with your credit and identity, who wants that? Who likes the overt control that many saw?Regardless, apples or organes, it's toxic and not intimate. Moderation isn't what I saw. I questioned if he was co dependent, I don't think you need to ever demean others, like his 90+ year old mom. Insulting others is not healthy.
I am a falsely empowered co dependent based on your explanation. All my friends considered me to be a King when they saw the Narc side of me. When they saw the vulnerable side they all backed off saying we don’t know whether u r a King or a donkey. Atleast now I know I am not a fuck up, meaning, neither good nor bad. But, want love and approval.
At first I thought my gf was a codependent, but I what could not be explained was why her Narcicist diagnosed friend and her have been "wonderful friends" for years. They did not dare offend the other. She was absolutely people pleasing him. He was absolutely taking advantage of that, so was his wife. As time went by, it seemed like she mirrored his behaviors. He was evil, She was caught in a trap. All her sisters were obese and one was clearly the family narcissist. I have an idea what happened to all of them as children. My now ex could not thibk of one event in her childhood that was negative. Well, then it was VERY bad that she couldn;t even recall what happened or it happened before she turned 6. She is not CN. But she is deeply damaged. I know I'm damaged too and know very well my strengths and weaknesses. Thank you Jack Black. NB: The ending of this video was profound and makes me feel bad for my ex.
So greatfull that I found you! The way you talk, completely understand and retain your Information and feel that you are talking to me one-on-one. Definitely pointed out blind spots (character flaws) and the emotional, mental and spiritual areas that must have evolution - thank you much Mr. Weiss😇 ( Weiss ~ isn't the grammer rule: i before e, except after c? weird?😉)
People don't like what you say? I find your video's very insightful and informative, actually. But then again, speaking the truth isn't usually as well-received as people think it is.
Valdez tweety pops I have always considered narcissist people as really bad. I believe my daughter is a narcissist and my mother,”who was also an alcoholic,a narcissist. I put this down to the the reason I’m probably co-dependent because I always had to look after her and accept bad behaviour as normal and make allowances for people especially my children.I’m looking forward to learning more about codependency 28:20
@@kennyweiss an important person in my Life has shown so much “almost” narcissistic behavior BUT the awareness (though not usually apologetic) and the childhood denial aspects of the codependent are eye opening. I’ve always felt like he isn’t consistently narcissistic and does have empathy. He is 100% addicted to work (he’s a cop), which like you said people just label “hard worker”. So much of this made sense to me - thank you for taking the time to do it ❤️
@@andreasnow5722 you’re welcome I just saw so many people throwing around that narcissism term and sadly very few people are aware there are two polar opposite sides to codependence. They’re only aware of the typical disempowered side of codependence, the people pleaser. Well that’s only one side. The so-called successful, hard driving, hard-working and everything else I mention are codependent as well and very few people know that. Hopefully you subscribe to my channel because coming soon I’m going to do a very long series on codependence. It will help you understand this more easily!
Yes, admittedly addictions are definitely prevalent. Addiction to animals is my current addiction. My horses have (unintentionally)broken my fingers, toes and ribs. But, they will never break my heart. Animals have unconditional love even if it’s based on the fact that you feed them. People these days are generally, disconnected, unreliable and unfaithful. It’s tragic.
My feelings towards going nocontact wit my mother changes little between this distinction. She is addicted to smoking and obsessed with me to an unhealthy degree, i rarely talk to her at all now. The way i feel from her manipulation attempts with money and guilt tripping changes bery little, shell never try to get help whether shes aware of her mistakes or not.
I was mislabeled as a narcissist when going through a mental health crisis in my late 20s. I was high on amphetamines when the attending psychiatrist diagnosed me. Once I stopped taking speed and getting hammered I was able to start recovery work and another psychiatrist reversed the diagnosis. The label really hurt, however. My therapist back in those days informed me that the fact that the label caused me to wonder about my effect on the other people in my life, and that considering the notion that I may be hurting them and not seeing it, was painful to me, proved that I was not a narcissist but something else. I see that now, 25 years later. Thank you. I was always very careful after that label was applied to me because when I investigated narcissism proper it seemed like a real NPD is a monster. I don't think I'm a monster. I can love, I can have empathy . . . just not perfectly all of the time. In fact, my inability to regulate empathy - and have porous boundaries - caused many more problems for me than the times I was hard and grandiose. Thanks for these videos. Learning about codependency is of paramount importance. How come most shrinks don't talk about it? I quit going to my therapist a long time ago because talking about myself all the time was getting frustrating, and seemed unproductive : I wanted to change, and it wasn't - isn't - happening. Maybe knowing about codependency is what I needed all along. This is the first time I have heard of it.
Codependency and vulnerable narcissism often go hand in hand. And narcissists are addicted...to narcissistic supply. When narcissists are not addicted, they are not narcissists! They fall more on the sociopathy/psychopathy spectrum.
I just wanted to add that in a world rampant with trauma and mental illness, sometimes with our pets is the safest place to find connection. Even if not a "true" connection, the safety gives it value and appeal.
People who won't have my GSD can't have me , no ands,ifs or buts about it. 😊
This was very enlightening. Thanks so much. At 81 years old, I’m finally understanding.
Glad it was helpful!
I have struggled greatly in my past 2 relationships. I've been built up and torn down several times. I'm 42 and have had 2 long term and 1 short and have never spent more then a month or so being single. These videos have help me more then I can say. I am starting to understand that yes the behavior I have experienced was wrong but the behavior I gave in return was just as wrong. It is painful to come to this realization. Also grateful to be seeing there is a path to a healthy version of seeing things. I know it will be a long road but I am ready. Thanks for these videos.
I swear this is me. I feel like I can be SO narcissistic but I’m aware of all my mistakes and deep down all I want to do is help others. I am an addict in many ways but cycle through each one. I am in therapy and am finally getting help for myself.
I can relate to that. Sometimes I feared, maybe I'm a narcissist. I also want to help others
Yes!
Kenny, you have eased my pain and concern for a loved one. I now understand that healing is possible. Hearing about your inner struggles was a lightning bolt of clarity. Thank you so much!
Excellent content! I’m a therapist and learn something new everyday. Well presented.
I think empathy is another distinction from what I have seen ! I believe co dependents feels empathy where narcs do not. I am a psych nurse and have worked with these people. I understand there could be co defendants that may have a lack of empathy. However, I think there is a little more grey area there than understood. Just my thoughts !
I think learning the difference between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy helps makes that distinction
It’s really helped me to understand the difference between the two. I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it was very painful in more ways than one!
This was insane I really needed to listen to this. I am trying to heal after realizing I was dating a narcissist for 5 years every single point mentioned just hit too perfectly especially with how consistent it was no matter what. I wish I stumbled on this video sooner. I am realizing that I am a falsely empowered codependent. There is so much I want to understand about myself and for such a long time I was constantly being told that I'm insane and crazy. I tend disconnect, runaway pretend that everything is okay. I move towards vices wheather its pouring my attention into my games, drugs, pets and moving my intimacy away by removing sex when I felt vulnerable. I go through these phases where everything is great and then I go into these erratic periods where I just feel very self conscious and my anger and fear shows. I really recognize I have my moments and I do want to be better. I have a hard time reaching out for help but I am really wanting to heal. Thank you for sharing this.
You are very welcome and I appreciate your vulnerability. I would suggest watching the videos on my codependency playlist, picking a Pia Mellody’s book Facing codependence and also picking up my book your journey to success. All three will really help you
@@kennyweiss I will! Thank you for sharing your perspective and your knowledge.
@@omgitsvmp Of course. I’m happy to help 😁
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. Thank you for educating us regarding this amazing topic.
You are very welcome
Great break down 😊
Maybe my now deceased mom, was not a narcissist, but highly code pendants. She suffered a lot. She came to this world, not wanted during 2WW, her father, my grandfather, was a German soldier, that was part of the occupation in Denmark. Back then was horrible, because my grandmother had a child with "the enemy" back during the war. My grandmother passed her shame to my mom. That shame hurted me, and my 2 older sisters. My mom also gave me warm and love. Now I see it clearly after your video. Thank you Kenny, muck appreciate 🙏
I can relate to some of your family experience
A big "Thank you!" You have answered a question that's been bugging me for years. I couldn't understand why people who obviously were not narcissists, could have traits that were narcissistic! When you mentioned that you "bounced", it started to come together for me. Appreciated your quoting from the diagnostic manual. You are genuine, and willing to expose your own struggles, which is helpful.
Kenny, I’m so glad you’ve explained these two comparisons. I’ve been listening to you and others on podcast providing examples of narcissist personality types. But now when comparing the 2, I realize that my friend is a co-dependent person. My friend and I have been dating for 2+years, for a while I was being screamed on, yelled at, even down to the TV. I set boundaries stuck to them and we moved slowly by talking threw some of the issues. We argued, well he argued about politics but didn’t vote, he even admitted that he pushed me too far. He’s 72 years old and I’m 65 years old, and he’s a lawyer, diagnosed with Depression & anxiety disorder, but gets his treatments regularly. Because he’s lost so much because of his illnesses., After I listened to you explain it I believe he’s co-dependent. I’m being vigilant, there’s been no more yelling screaming or TV time, and this whole situation opened the door to more conversations that were met with acceptance. I feel more people should listen to your podcast on Co-dependency vs. Narcissist. And I’ll look & read other information you mentioned. Thanks for all the information.
This helps me with forgiveness of myself and my husband who left me when I became severely and chronically ill. These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!
These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!
Wow, this gives me so much insight on what I thought was narcissistic behavior but never quite fit. Grew up with this as my parent and it's the puzzle peice I needed on my journey of understanding. Thank you so much for the in depth analysis. I also applaud your personal vulnerability. That is not an easy thing to do, especially on socials, and builds a level of trust and respect for you that typically takes me a long time to give out.
Thank you for the compliment and more importantly I’m glad this helped you find the missing puzzle pieces👌😁
It's called trauma bonding. Narcissists do it all the time. @@kennyweiss
Mr Weiss, with Ramani Durvasula and Dr Les Carter, you have broken down narcissism and categories of co-dependency (falsely empowered Co-dependent) which has been eye opening, illuminating as well as thought provoking.
I can’t say it often enough, many thanks sir, for this poignant vid for us novices when it comes to psychological issues. 🙏🏿
I don't have pets at the moment. I just want to say that a narcissist will try to isolate you from any emotional connections you have, other than themselves, and this includes pets. They may try to find a reason to get you to get rid of your pets, or they may harm them in order to hurt you.
I think we must be very careful of people who give ultimatums: choose between your pets and me. This is a classic control maneuver. I just wanted to make people aware of this. That's all. Carry on.
I’ve experienced this thank you for sharing
The one in my life was slowly seperating myself from my parents, husband and kids. Like theyre all against me and she needs to be my focusm insanity
If I have to get rid of my animal for somebody then I’m not with the right person. The only exception is if my child has allergies then I would have to find a new home for my animal. But if a person comes into my life knowing that I have a cat or a dog and they’re allergic to them they need to tell me that upfront and not tell me later and then expect me to get rid of my animal friend! Animals are not objects either
I love that you have discovered what is negotiable and nonnegotiable for you and you know exactly how you would set your boundaries👏👏
@@kennyweiss Thanks! 😁
You looked so sharp, professional and elegant! Thank you for your videos. And yes… you are not a narcissist!
Thank you for the clear information. Always doubting myself but this makes it more clear. I bought the P. Mellody book also 👍🏼👋🏼
This is the best video explaining the diffrences and removes a lot of the confusion..
Thank you.
Just feels like there is a spectrum of narcissism with full blown detachment and self importance at the top & awareness of ego at the bottom. Ego is a self identity we all have and seems to be part of the human experience for survival. Everyone has varying intensity’s of ego with complete non awareness of it being a narcissism and complete awareness of it being a functional human being. It seems the level of awareness is the determining factor.
HEY! This is so helpful. I'm not sure where I fall in now but I'm still fascinated about all of it. I am INFJ, natural observer, my mom married a narcissist when I was 8 and the show from them that I've gotten throughout my 39 years...wow. Step dad tortured me at a young age and my heart was falling by age 19 and I don't know how much longer I have left... watching and listening to you brings me comfort. Thank you friend and God bless you. ❤
Thank you for clarifying and confirming what I suspected this person in my family is a narc. I know i was codependent - it's how I was raised. and have worked on changing that for many years so my kids would benefit from my awareness.
This is probably the best video I’ve seen, describing the traits of the 3! It helps me look at myself and learn things about me so I can improve.
Glad it was helpful!
Thanks you so much for your effort. Yes, I am this type of codependent... In my relationship with my vulnerable narc wife I experienced that I can be that way - but it was always a choice and she did not had this choice... At some point I blamed her for what I am in some way - but the truth is that I was this all my life. That probably attracted her in many ways... At some point I thought I developed this behavior as response to her suppression - ending up as a cheap copy of her without knowing where it came from. There were many vague situations when I realized that I have this narc-lookalike traits... and lots of situations when I attracted other narcs - probably for being realized as the better narc with generous attitudes... thats bed and breakfast for a real narc and never-ending story to get lost. All the Best !
Truly an underrated channel! This will stand the test of time. Sharing!
What a fantastic explanation! Many thanks to you for this video and your others. Sooo many puzzle pieces are clicking together with each video that I watch.
Im coodependent, I have learned to stop my mistakes that come from my feelings, sometimes it's stronger then myself and I immediately recognize the fault after it happens. Sometimes I feel so bad for hurting the other person.
Oh my goodness. Thank you. I am battling co-dependency and this helped me sooooooooo much!!!!
I'm so glad!
Thank you for this distinction! I've been thinking I had a covert narcissist in my life but with this info I think she is codependent. She definitely has those seasons you talk about. Friday I received a Facebook Message from her and today a letter in the mail. It was like they were written by 2 different people. Very jarring, but with your new info, it makes sense. She just had a change in season since mailing the letter. Thank you again! Keep up the great work!!!
I find it increasingly difficult to handle the pain. I love my friend. Also I acknowledge I am over my head. I lack the physical and emotional strength to support him. ❤
Thank you for this video. I just feel confused bc sometimes I think my mom is a covert narcissist because she lacks empathy does not wanna apologize and says mean things on purpose. And then when I overreact bc I am fed up with her comments, she’s always blame shifting. And sometimes I think it’s falsely empowered codependency and other times I think she could be a covert narcissist… she feels like her behavior is acceptable. it’s so very confusing to me…
I like your self awareness and honesty. If only I knew people like that in real life… sigh
This video changed my entire view. Good information
You're so welcome
Love your HONESTY and willingness to teach👏👏💯
Thank you so much for this. In the last few months I have done a lot of inner child work and thought my father was a narcissist but now it looks like false co dependent. He was neurotic , emotionally absent (still is but less ), drank a lot and traveled a lot for work growing up (so also physically absent). To this day he spends way more time on his iPad than his own wife (my mother) and or me when I visit. He is 71 years old. I don’t even know if it’s even worth bringing it up to him and pointing out these flaws. I struggle with wanting to heal our relationship / educating him on how much he impacted me by being this way. I’m leaning towards just accepting him the way he is because he is too old to change. So thank you for making me realize this has a name.
Really eye opening info. I never knew the difference and now it makes so much more sense. I thought I was with a narcissist and had to leave, now I know there is hope. Thank you for explaining in laymen's terms, really useful.
Glad it was helpful!
Subscribed because you literally just explained everything I was confused about my ex. Thank you so much for sharing this valuable knowledge.
You’re so welcome. I’m really glad everything makes sense now
It feels (to me) like I'm always entangled with true narcissists. I'm very much a falsely empowered codependent, but my dating record is pretty wicked
* I used to be a VERY unempowered codependant. And I think the fear is how weak, and pathetic that period in life looked. The grandiose persona comes from this "never ever again" personal statement
I love your honesty and how you are truthful about yourself. I am feeling better about my husband, maybe her is not an N, but a CO instead. Thank you. We are in therapy, we'll see where it goes. I will look for Pia Mellody. Is she a person or therapy style?
I completely agree. Much to contemplate. Thank you
Truelly I like your transparency a lot.
Thank you for being the way you are. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
This has been so freaking eye opening!
The avoidance of reality vs not even being in touch.
My husband has all of them. One thing i dont understand is why he can't appologise when he do me wrong? He "never do wrong "
Mine too. You’re not alone. It makes me so angry!!
Look into object constancy. They can't see anyone as good with bad behaviors, or bad with good behaviors - they see people as all bad or all good. As narcissism is a shame based disorder, it would completely break them to admit any wrongdoing because they would see themselves as all bad because they lack the capacity for object constancy. Since their ego is so fragile, this would cause a narcissistic collapse due to the overwhelming shame they would feel, so they project their wrongdoing onto others to, in a sense, "deal with it."
So in this case, that your husband never admits he was wrong I guess he is a narcissist?
@@bubito everyone has narcissistic traits, so he may not be if he is just stubborn/won't take accountability for faults. And, he cannot technically be called one if he has not been diagnosed. However, if many of the behaviors are present I would think it's safe to say that he's high on the spectrum of narcissism whether diagnosed or not.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm in a long-term relationship that is having some really hard times right now. And my boyfriend just labeled himself a narcissist and I told him you are a narcissist but you're not like the bad type of narcissist. And I didn't really know what I was saying and he didn't really know what I meant. Now I know what I meant. Thank you so much for this. I really hope this information can help my relationship but even if it doesn't it has helped me understand the difference and help me understand that I myself am codependent
You are so welcome and yes many people are confusing narcissism with codependence. I hope you had over to my codependence playlist? I have a bunch of videos that can really help you and if you decide you want to learn the skills and tools to heal the codependence I have an online program that’s only $47 a month and it’s incredibly powerful. If you’re interested I can tell you more about it
@@kennyweiss I'm actually currently watching them. I really want to save my relationship and I know he does too and we are just so lost and we don't know what to do. But we know we both love each other very much. I'm watching your videos and I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself because I'm pretty good about admitting that I'm wrong but I just didn't realize how wrong I was. But on the same note I'm realizing he's on the same boat. I'm sharing all the videos with him and he promised me that he will watch them whenever he gets home from work. He says that he really wants to make this work and that he's willing to do whatever he needs to to get healthy regardless if that's with or without me. I've been trying to push him to go to therapy for a while because I told him I can't be his therapist because I'm not perfect and I don't have the answers. Sorry for the long rant. But yes I am going to take the time to watch all of your videos on this because it relates and resonates a lot with my relationship
Look up covert narcissist. It might be what you're experiencing. Idk.
Always working on balance. You're doing good.
Always!
"But true connection is with a human being!" Thank you, people diappointed in people don't know what we people really are: The only being with freedom, the only being with an individual I/ spirit, the only being not specialized but unlimited and adaptable, which is difficult... He deserves our deepest interest, compassion, joy and care.
There should be an other word for the falsely-empowered women though: Real Co-dependency gives and helps others to the point of getting sick, depleted and even dying, with compassion and self-sacrifice ,- which your new falseley empowered woman doesn't . If I got you right?
One of the most important videos on the subject.
I am a high empath and you have helped me to learn much about myself. I like Wise did not think that I needed help coping, but I am beginning to see that I
Probably need counseling.
As stated in my comment below, this was a most helpful video. I would, however, like to point out that our connection with animals is very real and important, even if it's different from that with humans. In my opinion, it can be a very healthy and helpful addition to one's life.
Wow!! Thank you for this information, you have eased my anxiousness over this topic. Thank you thank you thank you for your transparency on this subject ❤
You are so welcome!
Incredibly useful video, thank you!
I'm so glad I listened to you tonight Kenny. If you could see inside my brain right now 🥳😎😘
Wow, this video has just changed everything for me! Thank you so much for this information. I feel a lot less confused now and so many gaps have been filled for my situation! My question is, how does this codependency effect the other person in the relationship? Could it look like an emotionally abusive relationship, where the FECD puts down the other person with the intention of feeling better about themselves, rather than the control that a narcissist seeks? And how would that effect the other person in the relationship, over time, if nothing changes?
I have noticed that what looks like narcissistic rage can come after giving to much in order to please.
Great deep dive, thanks for clarifying this, definitely dealing with codependency. I will have to watch the other video.
I just wanted to thank u so much for recommending the book facing codependency.. it was such an enlightening book .. 🙏
It helped me understand that me and my partner suffered from co dependent.. in different ways... she is brilliant
You're so welcome! As I say all the time, if you are not familiar with Pia Mellody than you are not familiar with codependence. She is the best as far as I am concerned.
@@kennyweiss yes she is incredibly tapped into the hows and whys of peoples behavior and emotions... it gave me incredible insight into myself and the people in my life in a way that it made me able to be accountable for my own part heal and able to forgive the other party.. and move forward with an open but aware heart... and its such a relief and blessing and i just wanted to express my gratitude.. i know you probably deal with alot of misunderstandings in the comment section and just in general in this field... And i wanted you to know that some are able to see clearly thru how you share and what you share and be completely transformed and blessed by it... 😊🙏💕
@@jenniferdennison8315 that’s very kind of you to take time out of your busy life to share your support. I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much for sharing!
You are so welcome!
Wow. Thank you for your hard work and for this very well explained differentiation between Narcissism and Falsely Empowered Co-dependent. I was married for 20 years to what I now believe was a Falsely Empowered Co-D as there was a lot of addiction. I am grateful to be able to name it and learn about it as it was a very difficult twenty years. I craved intimacy but only could get it at an arms length. Obviously I am a co-dependent to have found myself in that ‘relationship’. I’ve been out ten years and still learning and trying to figure us all out and how to be better🙃 I will read Pia’s book. My daughter and son-in-law have also discovered your work. You’re reach seems to be far and wide. Keep going💪🏼! Thank you greatly!
Thanks for the explanation/clarification. That explains a lot of what I have experienced with some guys. .including those I have met in self help or 12 step groups. I give them kudos for the awareness, however the behavior was very confusing for me. Professional help is always an asset, including yours truly.
Not baffled anymore.. .love your videos about getting out of the victim identity, very helpful and freeing.
Thank you
2:20 definitional characteristics from DSM (nine altogether):-
1. *having a grandiose sense of self-importance ... expects to be recognised as superior ... excessively references [high-status people] for ... self-esteem regulation...*
2. Fantasies
3. Unique - only wants to hang out with high-status
4. Attention.
5. Entitlement, expects compliance
6. Exploitative ... very little interest in other people's experiences, superficial relationships
7. *excessively tuned* to other people's reactions to themselves
8. Envious of others or *believes others are envious of him or her*
9. Haughty or arrogant
Now for codependence. There are two types of codependence. One looks like narcissism.
This is the "empowered" version of codependence.
Successful people can be like this: *"falsely empowered codependents."*
.
A *falsely empowered codependent* can look like a narcissist: walled-off, controlling, haughty, anti-dependent ....
Culture: training people to be
... *"overinvested in achieving"* ... ...
11:00 differences: a codependent can be *aware* of making mistakes ... aware of avoiding intimacy ... and often (always?) have addictions - their work, their hobbies, pets, children ....
The narcissist addiction is to self.
Differences:
- Awareness.
- Addiction.
- Persistence of traits.
First time listening and you make a lot a lot of sense. I already understand myself better in a way that I couldn’t put my finger on before. I’m an alcoholic almost two years sober and in AA. I’m separated with two small children and their mom is a covert narcissist without addiction besides herself.
Sir, I salute you...
This is definitely one of the best videos...
Thank you for your efforts.
Your videos saved my relationship
This was all very helpful. Thank you!
Hey Kenny. I love your videos. I just started watching you a few weeks ago. Glad to see you thriving and you are helping others be aware. Thank you. ❤
Welcome aboard!
@@kennyweiss and thank you for making me more aware.
This video realy make sence to make the diffenence! I´m codependent and I have a partner with codependency or covert narcisme. This video make things more clear. Although I´m still doubting if he is not using my energy as a supply, addiction........Where can I find more about that Kenny?
Thank you so much.Also for sharing about yourself❤
I'm highly codependent, just recently understanding my issues from the past. My ex-girlfriend, after listening to I believe, is codependent. She just recently slammed a protective order against me for no reason. I was hurt, but I know that I'm working on myself and see the power dynamics. Everything is about control but the pain is still there waiting to be healed.
This just explained so much. I have a sibling that is like the highly addictive codependent. This explained so freaking much. Thank you. I am watching more of your videos.
You’re welcome I’m really happy it brought some clarity to you. I hope you subscribe and if you need tools to heal, remember I have a book and I also have master classes in the main one is free. All of that information can be found in the description on all of my videos if you feel those will help you😁
I think as humans we all have narcissistic tendencies (myself included) and some level of narcissism is much needed for people to take us seriously and hear wtf we're saying. If you come to a surgeon you want them to be confident in their skill, even if it comes off as arrogant or cocky. I feel like a level of bravado is a much necessary persona in the current social climate.
interesting, thank you
Thank you, even though it changes nothing. Ya, the reality wasn't accessible. I got tired of the heavy tirades, denial and lala Land. PIus, they don't verbalize awareness or attempt to let you know their internal side, what good does it do to know a label? If they hate help, why bother? If they create havoc with your credit and identity, who wants that? Who likes the overt control that many saw?Regardless, apples or organes, it's toxic and not intimate. Moderation isn't what I saw. I questioned if he was co dependent, I don't think you need to ever demean others, like his 90+ year old mom. Insulting others is not healthy.
I am a falsely empowered co dependent based on your explanation. All my friends considered me to be a King when they saw the Narc side of me. When they saw the vulnerable side they all backed off saying we don’t know whether u r a King or a donkey. Atleast now I know I am not a fuck up, meaning, neither good nor bad. But, want love and approval.
At first I thought my gf was a codependent, but I what could not be explained was why her Narcicist diagnosed friend and her have been "wonderful friends" for years. They did not dare offend the other. She was absolutely people pleasing him. He was absolutely taking advantage of that, so was his wife. As time went by, it seemed like she mirrored his behaviors. He was evil, She was caught in a trap. All her sisters were obese and one was clearly the family narcissist. I have an idea what happened to all of them as children. My now ex could not thibk of one event in her childhood that was negative. Well, then it was VERY bad that she couldn;t even recall what happened or it happened before she turned 6. She is not CN. But she is deeply damaged. I know I'm damaged too and know very well my strengths and weaknesses. Thank you Jack Black. NB: The ending of this video was profound and makes me feel bad for my ex.
I was definitely co dependent with narcissistic ways
So good!
😊you are awesome!❤
Thanks for the info.
I love the way you share
You are so welcome!
Thank you for such a great explanation.
You’re welcome
Very well explained. Enlightening.
Thank you I’m happy that it helped you
So greatfull that I found you! The way you talk, completely understand and retain your Information and feel that you are talking to me one-on-one.
Definitely pointed out blind spots (character flaws) and the emotional, mental and spiritual areas that must have evolution - thank you much Mr. Weiss😇 ( Weiss ~ isn't the grammer rule: i before e, except after c? weird?😉)
Thank you Denel 😁
This has answered a lingering question :D
This is huge information! Thank you so much! Precious!
More people need to see this
People don't like what you say? I find your video's very insightful and informative, actually. But then again, speaking the truth isn't usually as well-received as people think it is.
Nicely done, Kenny!
Love the way you get it across.
God bless you.
Thank you! You too!
@@kennyweiss
Blush, blush. 😊
I see you, you see me, we see stars seeing it...
God bless you.
You're work is excellent. 👍
Thanks
Valdez tweety pops I have always considered narcissist people as really bad. I believe my daughter is a narcissist and my mother,”who was also an alcoholic,a narcissist. I put this down to the the reason I’m probably co-dependent because I always had to look after her and accept bad behaviour as normal and make allowances for people especially my children.I’m looking forward to learning more about codependency 28:20
This video changed my life.
That’s wonderful I’m happy to hear that it helped you😁
@@kennyweiss an important person in my
Life has shown so much “almost” narcissistic behavior BUT the awareness (though not usually apologetic) and the childhood denial aspects of the codependent are eye opening. I’ve always felt like he isn’t consistently narcissistic and does have empathy. He is 100% addicted to work (he’s a cop), which like you said people just label “hard worker”. So much of this made sense to me - thank you for taking the time to do it ❤️
@@andreasnow5722 you’re welcome I just saw so many people throwing around that narcissism term and sadly very few people are aware there are two polar opposite sides to codependence.
They’re only aware of the typical disempowered side of codependence, the people pleaser. Well that’s only one side.
The so-called successful, hard driving, hard-working and everything else I mention are codependent as well and very few people know that.
Hopefully you subscribe to my channel because coming soon I’m going to do a very long series on codependence.
It will help you understand this more easily!
Yes, admittedly addictions are definitely prevalent. Addiction to animals is my current addiction. My horses have (unintentionally)broken my fingers, toes and ribs. But, they will never break my heart. Animals have unconditional love even if it’s based on the fact that you feed them. People these days are generally, disconnected, unreliable and unfaithful. It’s tragic.
I thankyou so much for this video ❤
You are so welcome!
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
My feelings towards going nocontact wit my mother changes little between this distinction. She is addicted to smoking and obsessed with me to an unhealthy degree, i rarely talk to her at all now. The way i feel from her manipulation attempts with money and guilt tripping changes bery little, shell never try to get help whether shes aware of her mistakes or not.
This was an awesome fricken video thank uuu for sharing
Thank you so much.
You’re welcome 😁