" I'll give you something to cry about" - was a favorite saying while we were growing up 😢 I will never forget the "set up" , verbal abuse until you cry - then punishment for crying.
My mother told me when I was 5 years old that I was going to Hell. I responded, “Why would God send a little girl to hell?” No answer. When I divorced my extremely abusive husband, who was a Presbyterian minister, my mother didn’t speak to me for two years. I also had a 5-year old daughter, her grandchild, with whom she never interacted. This was all under the auspices of her being a fundamental Bible-believing Christian woman. I spent the rest of my life trying to please her and took care of her until she died at 93. My younger brother was autistic and I also cared for him. A second husband relationship ended after 37 years of marriage with me being the consummate people pleaser, and discovering that I was married to a covert narcissist. This resonates so much with me, and I am constantly learning from helpful videos like yours. I am now 78, living such a better life on my own, but have to stay focused on these issues every day. Thank you!!!❤
My heart hurt reading what your mother said to you as a 5yr old little girl. 💔 I’m also so sorry she hurt not only you but your daughter. You amaze me so much with all that you have been through in reading your vulnerably transparent life story. You’re a hero in my eyes & as odd as this sounds I really wish I could hug you so instead I am sending you virtual energetic loving {{HUGS}} 🫂🫂🫂💞❤️💞
I think I am just a shell of who I might have been. I have a dreams of what it feels like to be close and connected but in reality I spend my time alone rehearsing my life on loop.
"The parents' mood and mind set the tone for everything." ...Nailed it. This is almost certainly why I am INTENSELY tuned in to human body language. I'm not a mindreader, but my sense of "there's something dangerous here," about a person, or "This person is odd but not a threat," or "this person is really honest," is uncannily accurate now.
I resonate with this so much!! People can hide as much as they want.. but my limbic system is so heightened.. sometimes it scares me (besides others) with how ‘ON’ it can be.
Yep it explains why I can tell when someone is feeling anxious it immediately makes me anxious. Because growing up that's when mom was most likely to rage.
Same here. My mum had BPD, both my parents had alcohol issues. I was always walking on eggshells. Learning to "read" them (mostly my moster) was a crucial skill. She still was unpredictable, but I a really good at recognizing other's emotional states and perspecitive taking today. But only in others. I have a very hard time about knowing/feeling/regulating my own emotions. They were never save to have (because yes, especially the negative one would increase the risk to get hurt in any kind of way)
My mom would get herself worked up about something, then come into my room and wake me up to scream and yell at me. The next day she would act like nothing happened and of course I was not allowed to mention what happened. It was like living in crazy town. I even ‘read the room’ when I walk into a retail store. If the mood ‘feels’ wrong, I’m out of there.
Mother schizophrenic, father alcoholic. I'm 65 and still don't feel like an adult. They talked past me, never to me. Gave orders and judgements. no childhood at all, just numbing out. My father said he didn't like my personality. that never left me.
I had a similar background. I’m 61, mom was mentally I dad worked hard but so much booze in my family. Although I never “caught on” to wanting to drink but I’m lacking confidence and have struggles with emotion : never was guided through.
I want to hug all you beautiful souls. I’m very sorry for all you beautiful souls have gone through. You give me faith to keep going even though I feel like applying for M.A.I.D st 44 yrs old. 🫂🫂🫂💞❤️💞
@Crystalblue58. Parents can be so CRUEL. I’ve been in ur exact same situation. Went no contact over 20 years ago. I’m so sorry you went through so much. God bless you.
Yes mood reading is innate to us.. And it can be exhausting! Maybe because itit somehow takes me back to the trauma events in childhood.... So isolation is where we can just relax.
Lately I´ve been realizing that my childhood innocence, difficulties, need for help triggered my parents aggression. Thank you for talking about this topics.
My mother's mood was being angry, no matter what she would find something to be irritated with. The problem was that there were no rules, even when I did exactly what she needed she would be upset. My mother always spected that what she was feeling was solved by others, but she was so negative that that was impossible. And if you dare to have your own problems it would transform into her problem, in how she felt about that, you never won. Last year I had a car crush, I could have died; instead of being nice to me she had a crisis, then was when I understood it, it's always about her.
I totally understand. I’m 60… mother’s 79. She was always negative/angry/screaming at us. Never told us she was proud of anything we did. She always found fault in everything… She tells others she’s proud of me for being a nurse, but she won’t dare tell me. I’ve never been good enough. My hair is never the right style/color, my home is too small, the list goes on. I now live 750+ miles from her, and I can finally feel at peace. I’m so blessed to have been 100% the opposite with my children and grandchildren. ❤❤❤
@@robinrv81 This weekend my mother visitted me cause of my niece's birthday, everyday that have passed I realised more and more how entitled she is, and how life goes only for what she wants. I only could see it from the last year on, but now I can't unsee it. I only wish for the time she'll go back. I'm glad you can change what you got and give something different to the next generation, to understand and to transform is a great gift to anyone.
I can absolutely relate - there was no winning with her, everything got flipped around to be about her and there was no space for anyone else's thoughts, feelings or needs.
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through so much trauma . 😢 I definitely understand my parents were both alcoholics . We all went to church one evening and after my dad went across the st. To the liquor store .😮 I said dad don't you think you're sending us mixed messages and he said oh he'll what are you talking about ? I met someone to get me out of my house that we were raised in and we moved to Tx. From Wisconsin. He was 13 years older than me and I didn't care I just wanted away from the scary house . So as to no surprise, my husband was a alcoholic too . Up until the age of 50 when I moved back to Wisconsin and met the love of my life on the first day back . Now 60 I'm pretty happy but isolate quite a bit
I feel this way about my mom. But the worst thing for me was, I could not predict her mood. So one day she could help me and I felt safe, the next time she reacted annoyed, angry or cold when I came to her. Now I have a partner who sometimes reacts angrily to my fear and clinginess. What a cycle!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
I CRIED ALL THE TIME!! Dad was terrifying. Mom was suicidal and blamed me for it. Brothers bullied me daily; one molested me for years. They collectively shamed me for my hysteria. I bought into that for years. Not anymore. I’m amazed that I did as well as I did, considering the trauma. Of course, I paid a heavy price. Lots of social isolation and endless anxiety throughout my life, but I’m still here.
You arw not alone. I had similar experiences. I'm 64 & still here, too. Only my father is left & he's in his late 90s - still as selfish, controlling & manipulative as ever, & people think he's marvellous but that i'm terrible because they believe his lies about me, that i never go to see him or phone him - I live 60 miles away & visit when i can but he rejects any help i offer, then tells people i dont care - they dont know the truth about his violence to me & my mother - if they offer him the same help he gladly accepts. They'vee told me to my face & by phone & text how terrible i am to him. He was caught by my mother in bed on separate occasions with other women - one was her best friend, & one was her own sister. He ruled us with his moods. I tried to protect my mother by standing in front of her & taking the blows meant for her. He had a mega melt down one day when i put the kettle down at the wrong angle after a rare occasion when i was allowed into the kitchen to make coffee - he accused me of trying to rule the roost in his house & ordered me to leave, so i did. A few weeks before i got married he threw a kettle of boiling water at me.I know he's never liked me because i remind him of his sister who he says his mother worshipped & who got away with everything while he & his two brothers were blamed, so he made sure the same thing didnt happen with me. When i was little i used to pray he'd get run over by a bus * killed or catch an incurable disease & die just so my mother & i could get some peace. My eldest brother protected me but he left when i was only 7yrs old. My other brother's strategy was to become more violent than our father was so mother clung to him as the golden child & he could do no wrong although he was always in trouble with the police. Father was scared of him - he was the only person who could control him & get him running around, but he was always horrible to me. I was also bullied at school from day one at 4yrs old until the day i left age 16 so i never knew what i'd be walking into at the start of the day or coming home to at the end of the day. I've since realised all my father's violence was a cover for his fears - underneath he's just a big coward. I married out of one dysfunctional family & into another one where this time the mother ruled with her moods - sulks, tantrums & tears - but that's another story. I thought i'd got a second chance with another family when i got matried - how wrong i was. I ended up with M.E., fibromyalgia, depression, panic attacks & cptsd, among other things. However... not for nothing have i come this far in life. Some days are tougher than others but i take the rough with the smooth & take each day as it comes. I hope one day, with the therapy i'm finally having, that i will evebtually find some peace - i pray that for all abuse survivors.
@@beadingbelle3486just remember that everything they did or say is nothing to do with you. And what people think is not your problem. Get him out of your life. Be there for you ❤
A lot of what u said I can relate to,I was brought up by my so called parents in silence they hardly spoke to me,I might as well of not been there.they had mental health problems, nothing was ever explained to me,I still suffer from depression and anxiety, I'm 68,I've had lots of counselling + having counselling about trauma in childhood, u don't understand as a child what's going on,it has effected me so much as an adult, by the way I love ur cat and hope u feel better soon.
Ditch your parent’s psychology and become your own parents . As a child you weren’t mature enough to understand what you should receive and what you were missing. As an adult,grab your inner child by the hand and tell them thank you , you are safe now ,and you’re coming with me ! ❤
This video made every cell in my body react. I've grown up in a home where people were moody, gave each other silent treatment all the time and were generally not happy. And lately I've been thinking a lot about that and just yesterday wrote this in my journal: "I’ve always felt everything very deeply. I’ve always been strongly affected by emotional states of other people. My body is still always on the lookout for possible danger, like a specific mood of people around me. Are they happy? Are they annoyed? Are they angry? Am I the reason for their struggles? But these deeply felt emotions are rather draining my energy. I get so tired after a day of people having bad days around me. And even though I can find some peace in my quiet corner of the world, there’s still the grief that always stays with me. It’s a chronic feeling of not being enough." But of course, your way of describing these feelings is so much more eloquent. It's just so very overwhelming to live with this automatic mood reading mind that always makes meaning out of every little mood shift and always makes me the one responsible for it. Anyway, thank you for acknowledging these experiences and putting them into words.
Wow, your angle to analyse it nailed. According to mom, she didn't have flaws but if you said something she will cry or just start silent treatment... Other type of eggshells... Thanks for sharing your view ❤
I say this every time I post. Everything out of your mouth is gold. You know it, because you lived it. Story of my life. I highly recommend the walking on eggshells book. I went through a DBT course with my insurance and it was amazing. Every page I would tell myself why did I not know this before? Why did my parents not teach me this because they were eggshell parents and they did not have the skills to teach their children to have a productive life. Their answer was yelling and screaming, degrading and intimidation. The same things that toxic bosses use. I lived through hell having bosses that were just like my parents. In a position of power and whatever they said and did was right even though your brain knew it was wrong and knew it was abuse.
Strange thing, is somehow being drawn to chaos, the unhinged, the toxic. Just imagine having the skills to observe and recognise, without fear or panic, and to calmly insist on boundaries. It's hard to do this due to childhood training, where enduring pain was a surreal prerequisite, a hump to get over, before getting to a period of calm. Daily, weekly cycles, through the most Important stage of growth.
The boss people make you manage their appearance to others and smooth over the problems they cause , then the co workers send you to deal with them as they hide at their desks. Then you are the target if their is company slow down. You have to be eliminated, shamed and blamed for their disfunction. Your co workers are not your friends ever.😢
@@janetromey7522 well said. At 55 I can count at every job at the moment I became the Target and that was always as soon as I stood up for my co-workers and then they didn't have my back. In fact, they all were like what in the hell are you talking about? We never said that.
I used so much of my childhood to find out what mood my mom had for that day every single day and then tried to make her feel better or happy. Nothing I did was ever enough and that feeling of not being good enough has followed me my whole life. I was a mother to my siblings a cleaning lady a parent for her and I went out to earn money for helping to buy food and then making dinner. Otherwise we would have everything to eat. I was just 8 years old when I started working for my family to be a happy family but she started making me the bad one. The black sheep. The worst part is that she got my siblings to believe in her and I have paying the price to this day. I am now 52. But I am learning now and this video is helping ❤ I did what I could for my children never feeling my pain or worry about my mood so I didn’t cry and was silly (funny) and then telling them that they should talk about their feelings and that everything they felt was okay. I used all my energy to make them happy but forgot myself and that was not good because children don’t do what you said but what you do. So they learn from you, how you treat yourself and talk about yourself. So I was not perfect mom but I did what I could to be a better mom ❤
My mom is a whole mess I can't figure out and my dad enables her. She's great at pretending love for her now adult kids and grandkids, but her actions show otherwise. She's great at always making it about her, gets intensely upset if anyone calls her out to the point of a mental breakdown, and has completely alienated my brother and sister who are much more outspoken than me. I'm slowly beginning to not enable her either, but it's stil always a very subtle guilt trip when I set boundaries or question her. It's a mind trip, I'm constantly searching for what is going on and have yet to pinpoint it!
Im so sorry youre going through health struggles right now. I hopw you feel well soon. Thank you for making this video. This gave me the AHA moment i needed. Thank you x infinity
I’m 61 and even after earning a college degree- I’m lacking self confidence, and even real vision. I grew up with my parents fighting constantly ( physical too ), alcoholism, sexual abuse and my poor mom was mentally ill. And my parents s lost 2 children. So now I struggle with managing my feelings , trusting my decisions and in feeling whole.
So many of us have untapped potential. Children years ago were more so to get a decent education that gave them a secure life with a sustainable income and stability. Even then, there were no guarantees and chance and circumstance befall us all. Health problems have derailed many in their financial safety net and beyond. No one knows how their life story will unfold. If you can continue on your path and develop problem solving skills, it is almost the best that you can hope for. Those that are incredibly wealthy are like those that play the lotto and win. One in many millions. Jesus said to follow his path and get a hold of the real life in doing so. It is comforting to know that while we maneuver life as we know it now, we can find channels like Dr. Kim, that does a great job verbalizing our internal struggles. It is very sad that so many have had bad or incompetent parents. Unfortunately, their parents were as well, and so on it goes. At least now, some of us see the errors of ourselves and family and want to stop the dysfunction. As far as my own mother went, well, she was too perfect in her own mind to ever be questioned.....oh well. 🫢😞😄
I know it's hard. But somehow you should try to forgive. Doesn't mean you have to be around them, but try to let it go. I forgave my dad, in the end I guess he did the best he could. That was enough for me.😢
I'm so sorry for anyone, especially someone who goes on to help other's who went through this, who had to stiffle their emotions or be afraid to cry. I remember having those same crying, wailing sessions with my face stuffed in my pillow (suffocating practically) and my dad (probably feeling overwhelming guilt and anger that he has to suppress his rage or else he causes this) screaming for me to Shut up! Over and over and hitting the door. And then the shock and fear making me stop and then experiencing my first experiences of being high. Like I got some emotions out, now I don't have any choice but to completely dissociate and numb out. And not surprisingly I started to chase that numbness when I got old enough. He always apologized and he had two distinct personalities. One was an absolute demon and the other was an absolute life of the party, funny, sweet and affectionate man. I understand all of this now I just wish I could have talked to him about it all. I'm starting therapy again. It's really frustrating. I hate revisiting all this, but I can't move forward finally until I reach some kind of solution to make my life work.
Wow Kim! Thank you for showing up and making these videos. I’m grateful you pushed through your own blocks and started making videos to help support people when they unpack the bad parenting techniques that have caused trauma for us even into adult hood. I am Oder and I’m still afraid to have friends and feel exhausted after socail events even though I’m well liked and people seem to respond positively to me. I refuse to go anywhere and recluse when I am going through any struggles be it work, financial emotional or health. I pull away from friends and I barely ever talk with my family for fear of judgement, shame blame or criticism. It’s easier being alone that to be open and when I’m so sensitive to the moods and emotional expression of other. I am the product of a narcissist and walk-on-egg-shell parents
I often wonder why I feel sad when there is no apparent reason. As I think through your list, I think it can account for nearly every unexplained sad feeling I’ve experienced. Thank you for compiling this info.
I re-watched this 3x...you validate me so much! Thank you for sharing this video it hits home so hard. Sorry to hear your not feeling well, hope you get to feelin better soon
My first memory as a child was being outside with my dad while he painted the house, accidentally sat in a puddle of oil on the carport and his first reaction was being concerned about mom being mad about ruining my outfit. I still have to practice being unavailable for her moods at almost 40.
Thank you a Million for all you’ve posted! I’ve finally after 45 years can understand myself after waiting and hating myself. I’m choosing to love myself. ❤❤❤
2 yrs of therapy later I realized how my childhood shaped me. My mother an alcoholic was in her own pain she couldn’t see Me! So to survive I learned to deal with all my emotions myself. No wonder I ended up hyper independent emotionally detached…. It’s how I made myself feel safe! ( dismissive avoidant) It took a while but all off those buried feelings have been allowed to surface but then I had to learn to deal with those feelings… then I went anxious. Finally I have found some balance and it feels great
This video has captured so much so well. Setting the tone, eggshell parenting, shame and blame. Precious alone time. My hyper-vigilance makes me feel like I'm lit up like a Christmas tree.I had to re-read my mother every-time she left the room for a just minute it was so knife-edge the whole time. Since getting a better understanding of a lot of this I've tried to convince myself I can harness the hyper-vigilance like a super-power instead, work in progress! Thank you so much for this video. I'm really looking forward to more on eggshell parenting.
You’re telling my story Dr Kim. My mother would rage tell me it was my fault. Send me to my room. And I remember one day in particular. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 7 or 8 and I had just been sent to my room for no good reason. Although I think it was just my mother’s way of protecting me from herself in that moment. And I was angry and I was saying “I didn’t do anything!” Well thank God my 6th sense was still quite open at that age… yes this really happened. My main guide came through telepathically, and I could hear, “No it’s not your fault Carrie. You’re a good girl. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your mother just has some problems.” And then I felt this tremendous amount of love being directed my way. I don’t know what I would have done without that help from Spirit. And then, of course, just like you said my mother would come back later and apologize and I would have to say it’s OK mom…even though it really wasn’t… and nothing changed. but you see I had my strong and rich, inner world and communication with my Guide. And that plus the fact that my mother did take responsibility… Even though she would just do it again the next time. But it was still far better than being blamed and shamed. And as my guide told me that I was a good girl, and I just needed to comprehend that my mother had some issues…. I intuitively felt the truth in that. I had so much wisdom for such a young child! It’s clearly not my first rodeo. Thank you for these videos Kim. Much appreciated!
The last time I tried to take my own life away, I heard this inner voice saying “But there is so much more, are you sure you want to do this?”. That voice right there, saved me.
Mommy was mad: - I have to clean the house - I have to say something nice about her - I have to ask for her advice - I have to ask her if she's ok - I have to stay in my room - I have to be quiet - I have to I HAVE TO I HAVE TO I'm so done being born by this person.
Kim, I’ve just discovered your channel. It’s full of such beautiful wisdom, thank you! I’m navigating an incredibly tough break from my therapist who blurred boundaries and created an unsafe space and my desire to go back into one-on-one therapy with another counselor just isn’t there yet (and may never be)…so it’s nice to still feel that I’m finding access to therapeutic support through your channel. What you say makes perfect sense and although I spent 6+ years in psychotherapy to heal complex trauma from childhood, I’m always learning.
Thank you so much. Really glad I found you. Great explaination of how trauma colours relationships. Dissociation, fear, guilt, timidity. Thanks for being on my side, helping to understand the hand-break, that is subconsciously interfering with, and preventing the enjoyment of healthy relationships. Admire also the bravery and honesty in the personal understanding, as well as the academic or theoretical. Xx
Dr. Kim! Again what a relatable video. I absolutely experienced all of these things, mostly from my mother. Her unhealed trauma ran the show and she's now in her 70's and it's still running the show. Thank goodness for my own healing and minimal contact with her. She makes everyone around her responsible for fixing her dysregulation. It's not only exhausting, but it requires self abandonment and I'm not willing to pay that price anymore.
Dr. Kim, thank you for sharing your own story with us. It just makes you so real and lets us know that what you're telling us comes from your soul and not the pages of a clinicians manual. Also, the topics you choose each week seem to be eerily synchronistic to what comes up for me during the week and helps clarify so much! (I find that amazing). Thank you so much for sharing ! One last thing, since I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be your mother, I would like to apologize for her behavior toward you. 😢 I'm deeply sorry you had to go through the emotional and any other trauma to which you may have been exposed. You are a wonderful person for having gone through it, however. Thank you for being you ❤️
My grandmother was a narcissist, my mother blamed me for her issues. My dad's parents were narcissist, he in turn was a narcissistic pedophile. I fought him and my mother's mother most of my life! I still fight the toxic they installed in me. The only one I forgave before death was my mother because of how she was raised. But I can't forgive her for giving me and my sister to our dad's abuse. I understood she didn't want the abuse he did during those times. But I fought him. To this day, I have issues about being with a bunch of people around. I'm 62 and happily single! I have 2 grown children, 1 has Down syndrome and the other helps take care of her. We are happy just the 3 of us . Their dad was abusive, drug addict. He left them when young and would come back and take from us. Hope all a blessed day!
Bingo, yes. I'm quite sure my late toxic alcoholic parents were both undiagnosed AuDHD, dad was the rigid functioning dom NPD, my orphaned mom likely undiagnosed BPD and or bipolar. She would go off like a bomb, screaming and throwing things. After Mom left when I was 10, my dad regularly told me to go to hell if I ever disagreed with him. 😢 19:36 They raged and fought horribly, but never owned their behavior, ever. I'm a very codependent traumatized AuDHD adult child at 57 just beginning to unwind and heal all this now. Your videos definitely help. Also Darlene Lancer for Codependency, as well as Tim Fletcher. Thank Goddess for RUclips. Just now growing some boundaries, finally, ahhh. So helpful. ❤
Never ever could or would I have talked back to especially my mom, we always had to listen and be supportive no matter what. Anything less or anything else was disrespectful.
God Bless you Dr Kim; the chronic repetitive nature of these dynamics are difficult to even accept as abnormal or significant (or requiring adjustment/change/healing- Perhaps fawning extending internally) until adulthood brings undeniable negative consequences of intense hypervigilance for all health, relationships and life-progression 🖖
What can I do with this treasure of a video? If it was an expensive piece of artwork, I would consider taking out a loan so I could hang it where I'd see it whenever I want. This is the story of my childhood and of my parents" own pain and the reason for the outcome of my adulthood! And my sister's. I am fantasizing about sending this to everyone I care about and saying, "Look! It's all here! It's all right here in this video!". But I am alone in my understanding of the preciousness of this video so all I can do to celebrate it, is to leave this comment, express my gratitude and bless you with clarity and "simchat chayim" (joy of life). Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.
Kim, yet another great video that hits so close to home. I relate to all the signs you talk about to varying degrees. My father was emotionally distant even before he left when I was a teenager. My mother was inconsistent at best when it came to giving emotional support and yet she relied on my older brother and I for support after my father left, more so upon me since I was more available. Then there was the parentification and the guilt tripping that she is an expert at. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about a year and a half ago when I experienced a huge flashback. Fortunately, I found a great therapist aftef that happened to help guide me on a healing path. You mentioned DBT which I am aware of; we have some some EMDR work as well as IFS which has been really helpful for accessing those parts of me who are still frozen in the past. Thank you for sharing details about your own experiences as that really helps to validate my own experiences when it has been so difficult to learn to how validate myself. ❤
I can understand things you say as it resonates with me. My parents were not tactile loving. I also couldn't go to them with problems. I felt aloneness.
Thank you Dr Sage 🙏. Another thought provoking video to help frame and give language to the origins of our trauma and consequences in our adult lives. We cannot truly give our wounded parts heart felt compassion until we understand how much our inner children suffered. Your videos help open up the dark basements where they have hidden, enticing them to finally look out and know we are there for them, to see and hear their pain and love them as they deserved ❤
I want you to be happy and healthy. You're selflessness and courage I am glad I took the time today. I'm seriously verbally abusive. No one ever listens to me when I'm kind. They step on me. No one cares. Everyone who abuses or abused me is happy, successful and unpunished.
I didn't have eggshell parents, that I remember. I do remember that if my mom got upset because we left the house a mess, she would say I'm done, I'm going to a hotel tonight. I remember asking my dad (in concern and fear) if mom was coming back. She always came back. Now that we're grown, she doesn't do that anymore. So, that might contribute to feelings of abandonment. I rarely got punished because I was a "good" kid. I didn't try to challenge anything.
yes eggshell walking is a REAL GOOD visual expression. And never really feeling safe, and if you are punished for showing strong emotions, well what else remains than freeze and/or appease/comply...
This video is very helpful in understanding all the issues we have to work thru now as adults. This whole video I believe is the heart of why some of us have fearful avoidant attachment. Why would we want to get close to people when our first source was sometimes loving but just as many times also very scary? Hypervigilance and walking on eggshells is deeply ingrained in us now.
My mom always threatened to abandon me when we had disagreements or arguments, im 19 about to be 20. She went through alot in her past, everyone does, it matters what you do with your time and feelings, some people want to to change some don't. Im glad im mature and want to talk things out but not when they are still angry.
WOW! Thank you Dr Kim for voicing these pearls of knowledge, and opening this for all of us to see we are not alone in life. You have opened, with clarity, a subject that is going to help even us who have seen and been (for want of a better word) 'victims' of our parents inadequacies. We grow up, we look back, we understand, then we forgive but we are left damaged. We then choose whether to have children because we know we can't trust that we wont be able to cope even though we understand the effects on another... So we then know, have understand that we must scoop up the victim, and from our heart full of love we have to apologize letting them in on our horrible secret of how we are unable sometimes not to be angry. From here, from this moment of admission this moment is never forgotten within and my experience allowed me to love. But we still cannot feel love for our self because that can of worms still hasn't been fixed. But the most important part of your insight you share gives us the backing to stop repeating history's damaged parenting. I look forward to listening to your "direct un-emellished" wisdom. Thank you again and you have my loving prayers of support.
I’m proud of you, for refusing to stay a victim & instead be Victorious learn & Teach better than anyone can.(❤Thank u I’m 6 ‘230 lb Muscle head Wrestler 🤼 Type & make me sit up listen attentively like a 👦 ,my Inner child). Go Chiefs!!
Can you please do a video for my friend and I? We are both in our 20s. Never dated. Never kissed. We are cute but isolate ourselves and have intense anxiety around guys. We both don't know how to feel like our inner selves/ character/ companionship could ever be valued by a man enough for him to attach to us. We have had years of therapy. Most therapists have been unhelpful. We feel like we are losing so much of our youth to trauma Ty for any ideas...
I suffer with awful mood swings, anxiety and other issues, my mum was always angry with me as a child, i was never good enough, her father was crazy too, 3 generations of depressed people,
Thursday I had a horrible day at college. My teacher triggered my PTSD by knit picking how I was trying to get a transmission together . He kept telling me I'm flustered and throwing pieces at it. And I said I may look flustered but inside I'm just problem solving. I started down the rabbit hole of feeling that he was making something out of nothing. Also in front of the whole class. I got embarrassed and stood up for myself. He knows I have problems with my mood but argued and said , " how's that working for you ?" As I use trial and error naturally to problem solve. He was flustered himself already. So I had a yelling match . He asked why don't ask for help , and I screamed " I don't know how to ask for help" I felt he was picking on me. I left in anger . This was my lab. I'm still upset over it. I still don't really understand what he truly wanted out of me . We had like 6 groups of 2. My lab partner was nothing but a pile so I had to carry both of us to get the transmission built. I have a hard time dealing with people. I try to act calm but I just get fast like. I can't help being the way I am. Why point out everything I can't change or control as he did. He was very aggressive about it to in a way. He just kept coming at me with how I'm all anxious and not working through the process. I took 2 serequil prior to class but they didn't help . My psychiatrist won't give me Ativan bc at night I need oxygen bc I get hypoxic . Only if I had that to take I may not have had such a downfall. My PTSD took me down again.
Love this video and information, thank you! I suspected mood trauma from my own childhood experience and pain. And I have been working with a workbook for Invasive thoughts and overwhelming emotions. I realised I operate alot from mood dependant behaviour. Doing things that go against my values, saying things out of line, making purchases when I know I can't afford it etc. Question: Do you offer any help/course to heal from mood trauma? Many thanks
Thanks Kim 💐 Mine made/makes it my fault. She made sure I understood that doing the most basic things for me was a burden. There was no joy in it for her. Still isn't. Ever
That's absolutely the worst type of parenting even with my highly violent alcoholic mother, I felt needed to take care of her, but no matter what I did, I was at the bottom of her totem pole. Now I am at the bottom of my own children's totem poles, even though they tell everyone they had a fairytale childhood. That oxymoron freaking breaks my heart everyday. I served them. When they didn't need any more service, I was cast aside. Heartbreaking!
It's not your fault it never was your fault and although it is heartbreaking you must take find do things for yourself but you Find Happiness in because they will NEVER changeand I Don't think that's because of anything About U or me or any of these victims of childhood abuse PERIOD. I have taken to traveling the world to escape the pain and suffering that have been afflicted on me by my own children who say I gave them a childhood from a fairy tale bso apparently either way you lose. perhaps Having children was the mistake but how would we know, All we can do is try to distract ourselves find other interests and live with the self defeeling deep inside the brakes are hearts everyday every night in every dream.😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I am too harsh on myself. It is hard to get over it. There is so much truth in your video. I was working on this issues for all my adult life, but from this video I am realizing that I am still not there. How do I help myself to get there faster?
💜 I am so sorry for the thinks little you experienced that gave you a wrong understanding of love and I have no doubt that unhealthy standard for what you should accept from someone you love as love I say all of this from the empathy I have as a survivor of childhood trauma and relationship trauma in 3 or more of my past relationships I discovered that I am AuDHD in 2021 in the middle of my youngest child’s diagnosis process and journey through professionals who would ultimately help me to understand about the genetics and heredity aspect of her neurodivergence that I had to have explained to me because I was adopted into my family at 6 months of age and so the first people I was ever genetically linked to in family was my children It’s a lot I could write a book about it all to encourage others in their journey I’m also Christian in my faith and that’s how I came to understand what love really sounds like and behaves like By learning about the teachings of Jesus . Thank you for sharing your story on video and for being brave in your calling to help others My heart recognizes yours and I hope this message encourages you to keep going 💞
What is the name of the artist playing ur beautiful intro music. I’ve heard it before and I loved it from first time I listened to it. Ty so much . The music so much resonates with me.
I always thought i was the problem within my family. Always! Until 5 months ago when i started my self care journey. I have always been moody and dysregulated and any type of emotional outburst, i was treated like i was this horrible person and my mother had told me on multiple occasions that i was a horrible person. When you hear this for your whole life, what else are you supposed to believe? My father was an alcoholic and treated me like the parent, my step father was extremely abusive and would smash up the house whenever he was in a bad mood and my mother is extremely sensitive and dysregulated. I realized recently that i am not the problem. I was having dinner at my mother's house and i was in a bad way. My stepdad shouted at me and i left. I stopped and went straight back and completely flipped at him. How dare he make me feel like a freak when i have emotional dysregulation when i have learned it all from them!? He walked away from me and slammed the door in my face. He wouldn't even listen to me and i looked into the kitchen and my mothers face. The look of disgust towards me! I couldn't believe it. From that day forward, i cut off contact for awhile and eventually set boundaries. It has been so so difficult and my depression has come back with a vengeance because i am so used to feeling like it was all my fault but i know now, it wasnt. I was a kid. Waking up and realizing that your parents/ caregivers dont actually care about you that much is soul crushing but i know i am doing this for me. For my mental health.
Here it is!❤ www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582/ref=asc_df_1684034582/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=366299527575&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12535542157200259195&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031503&hvtargid=pla-818602319988&psc=1&mcid=50c42437fbf033ce999635e47c3cfbcf&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=79033899111&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=366299527575&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12535542157200259195&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031503&hvtargid=pla-818602319988
" I'll give you something to cry about" - was a favorite saying while we were growing up 😢 I will never forget the "set up" , verbal abuse until you cry - then punishment for crying.
Same, the setup always led to spanking and slapping…
Yep... brutal parenting!!
Hi I think we grew up in the same house 😅
Yep. I always copped this, especially as a very sensitive male. :(
My mother told me when I was 5 years old that I was going to Hell. I responded, “Why would God send a little girl to hell?” No answer. When I divorced my extremely abusive husband, who was a Presbyterian minister, my mother didn’t speak to me for two years. I also had a 5-year old daughter, her grandchild, with whom she never interacted. This was all under the auspices of her being a fundamental Bible-believing Christian woman. I spent the rest of my life trying to please her and took care of her until she died at 93. My younger brother was autistic and I also cared for him. A second husband relationship ended after 37 years of marriage with me being the consummate people pleaser, and discovering that I was married to a covert narcissist. This resonates so much with me, and I am constantly learning from helpful videos like yours. I am now 78, living such a better life on my own, but have to stay focused on these issues every day. Thank you!!!❤
May I hug you? Thank you for sharing your story. I too had an entire family like this.
🙏❤️✌️
Thank you for sharing. I pray blessings upon you 🙏🏻
You are an amazing human! Wishing you all the joy, love and kindness you deserve
My heart hurt reading what your mother said to you as a 5yr old little girl. 💔 I’m also so sorry she hurt not only you but your daughter.
You amaze me so much with all that you have been through in reading your vulnerably transparent life story. You’re a hero in my eyes & as odd as this sounds I really wish I could hug you so instead I am sending you virtual energetic loving {{HUGS}} 🫂🫂🫂💞❤️💞
I think I am just a shell of who I might have been. I have a dreams of what it feels like to be close and connected but in reality I spend my time alone rehearsing my life on loop.
"The parents' mood and mind set the tone for everything."
...Nailed it.
This is almost certainly why I am INTENSELY tuned in to human body language.
I'm not a mindreader, but my sense of "there's something dangerous here," about a person, or "This person is odd but not a threat," or "this person is really honest," is uncannily accurate now.
I resonate with this so much!!
People can hide as much as they want.. but my limbic system is so heightened..
sometimes it scares me (besides others) with how ‘ON’ it can be.
Yep it explains why I can tell when someone is feeling anxious it immediately makes me anxious. Because growing up that's when mom was most likely to rage.
Same here. My mum had BPD, both my parents had alcohol issues. I was always walking on eggshells. Learning to "read" them (mostly my moster) was a crucial skill. She still was unpredictable, but I a really good at recognizing other's emotional states and perspecitive taking today. But only in others. I have a very hard time about knowing/feeling/regulating my own emotions. They were never save to have (because yes, especially the negative one would increase the risk to get hurt in any kind of way)
My mom would get herself worked up about something, then come into my room and wake me up to scream and yell at me. The next day she would act like nothing happened and of course I was not allowed to mention what happened. It was like living in crazy town. I even ‘read the room’ when I walk into a retail store. If the mood ‘feels’ wrong, I’m out of there.
Mother schizophrenic, father alcoholic. I'm 65 and still don't feel like an adult. They talked past me, never to me. Gave orders and judgements. no childhood at all, just numbing out. My father said he didn't like my personality. that never left me.
I'm sorry. You are not alone. I'm 62 and just beginning my road to trauma recovery.❤
I had a similar background. I’m 61, mom was mentally I dad worked hard but so much booze in my family. Although I never “caught on” to wanting to drink but I’m lacking confidence and have struggles with emotion : never was guided through.
I want to hug all you beautiful souls. I’m very sorry for all you beautiful souls have gone through. You give me faith to keep going even though I feel like applying for M.A.I.D st 44 yrs old. 🫂🫂🫂💞❤️💞
I feel for you ❤
@Crystalblue58. Parents can be so CRUEL. I’ve been in ur exact same situation. Went no contact over 20 years ago. I’m so sorry you went through so much. God bless you.
Yes mood reading is innate to us.. And it can be exhausting! Maybe because itit somehow takes me back to the trauma events in childhood.... So isolation is where we can just relax.
I started to write about those early years but realized I don't want to talk about it because I'm just worn out.
Lately I´ve been realizing that my childhood innocence, difficulties, need for help triggered my parents aggression. Thank you for talking about this topics.
My mother's mood was being angry, no matter what she would find something to be irritated with. The problem was that there were no rules, even when I did exactly what she needed she would be upset. My mother always spected that what she was feeling was solved by others, but she was so negative that that was impossible. And if you dare to have your own problems it would transform into her problem, in how she felt about that, you never won. Last year I had a car crush, I could have died; instead of being nice to me she had a crisis, then was when I understood it, it's always about her.
I totally understand. I’m 60… mother’s 79. She was always negative/angry/screaming at us. Never told us she was proud of anything we did. She always found fault in everything…
She tells others she’s proud of me for being a nurse, but she won’t dare tell me.
I’ve never been good enough. My hair is never the right style/color, my home is too small, the list goes on. I now live 750+ miles from her, and I can finally feel at peace.
I’m so blessed to have been 100% the opposite with my children and grandchildren. ❤❤❤
@@robinrv81 This weekend my mother visitted me cause of my niece's birthday, everyday that have passed I realised more and more how entitled she is, and how life goes only for what she wants. I only could see it from the last year on, but now I can't unsee it. I only wish for the time she'll go back.
I'm glad you can change what you got and give something different to the next generation, to understand and to transform is a great gift to anyone.
I can absolutely relate - there was no winning with her, everything got flipped around to be about her and there was no space for anyone else's thoughts, feelings or needs.
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through so much trauma . 😢 I definitely understand my parents were both alcoholics . We all went to church one evening and after my dad went across the st. To the liquor store .😮 I said dad don't you think you're sending us mixed messages and he said oh he'll what are you talking about ? I met someone to get me out of my house that we were raised in and we moved to Tx. From Wisconsin. He was 13 years older than me and I didn't care I just wanted away from the scary house . So as to no surprise, my husband was a alcoholic too . Up until the age of 50 when I moved back to Wisconsin and met the love of my life on the first day back . Now 60 I'm pretty happy but isolate quite a bit
I feel this way about my mom. But the worst thing for me was, I could not predict her mood. So one day she could help me and I felt safe, the next time she reacted annoyed, angry or cold when I came to her. Now I have a partner who sometimes reacts angrily to my fear and clinginess. What a cycle!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
I CRIED ALL THE TIME!! Dad was terrifying. Mom was suicidal and blamed me for it. Brothers bullied me daily; one molested me for years. They collectively shamed me for my hysteria. I bought into that for years. Not anymore. I’m amazed that I did as well as I did, considering the trauma. Of course, I paid a heavy price. Lots of social isolation and endless anxiety throughout my life, but I’m still here.
I’m so sorry Susan. You are a survivor. You deserve peace and safety. I wish you the best in your healing.
You arw not alone. I had similar experiences. I'm 64 & still here, too. Only my father is left & he's in his late 90s - still as selfish, controlling & manipulative as ever, & people think he's marvellous but that i'm terrible because they believe his lies about me, that i never go to see him or phone him - I live 60 miles away & visit when i can but he rejects any help i offer, then tells people i dont care - they dont know the truth about his violence to me & my mother - if they offer him the same help he gladly accepts. They'vee told me to my face & by phone & text how terrible i am to him. He was caught by my mother in bed on separate occasions with other women - one was her best friend, & one was her own sister. He ruled us with his moods. I tried to protect my mother by standing in front of her & taking the blows meant for her. He had a mega melt down one day when i put the kettle down at the wrong angle after a rare occasion when i was allowed into the kitchen to make coffee - he accused me of trying to rule the roost in his house & ordered me to leave, so i did. A few weeks before i got married he threw a kettle of boiling water at me.I know he's never liked me because i remind him of his sister who he says his mother worshipped & who got away with everything while he & his two brothers were blamed, so he made sure the same thing didnt happen with me. When i was little i used to pray he'd get run over by a bus * killed or catch an incurable disease & die just so my mother & i could get some peace. My eldest brother protected me but he left when i was only 7yrs old. My other brother's strategy was to become more violent than our father was so mother clung to him as the golden child & he could do no wrong although he was always in trouble with the police. Father was scared of him - he was the only person who could control him & get him running around, but he was always horrible to me. I was also bullied at school from day one at 4yrs old until the day i left age 16 so i never knew what i'd be walking into at the start of the day or coming home to at the end of the day. I've since realised all my father's violence was a cover for his fears - underneath he's just a big coward. I married out of one dysfunctional family & into another one where this time the mother ruled with her moods - sulks, tantrums & tears - but that's another story. I thought i'd got a second chance with another family when i got matried - how wrong i was. I ended up with M.E., fibromyalgia, depression, panic attacks & cptsd, among other things. However... not for nothing have i come this far in life. Some days are tougher than others but i take the rough with the smooth & take each day as it comes. I hope one day, with the therapy i'm finally having, that i will evebtually find some peace - i pray that for all abuse survivors.
I relate
🫂
@@beadingbelle3486just remember that everything they did or say is nothing to do with you. And what people think is not your problem. Get him out of your life. Be there for you ❤
Being alone makes me feel safe.
A lot of what u said I can relate to,I was brought up by my so called parents in silence they hardly spoke to me,I might as well of not been there.they had mental health problems, nothing was ever explained to me,I still suffer from depression and anxiety, I'm 68,I've had lots of counselling + having counselling about trauma in childhood, u don't understand as a child what's going on,it has effected me so much as an adult, by the way I love ur cat and hope u feel better soon.
Ditch your parent’s psychology and become your own parents .
As a child you weren’t mature enough to understand what you should receive and what you were missing.
As an adult,grab your inner child by the hand and tell them thank you , you are safe now ,and you’re coming with me !
❤
This video made every cell in my body react. I've grown up in a home where people were moody, gave each other silent treatment all the time and were generally not happy. And lately I've been thinking a lot about that and just yesterday wrote this in my journal: "I’ve always felt everything very deeply. I’ve always been strongly affected by emotional states of other people. My body is still always on the lookout for possible danger, like a specific mood of people around me. Are they happy? Are they annoyed? Are they angry? Am I the reason for their struggles? But these deeply felt emotions are rather draining my energy. I get so tired after a day of people having bad days around me. And even though I can find some peace in my quiet corner of the world, there’s still the grief that always stays with me. It’s a chronic feeling of not being enough." But of course, your way of describing these feelings is so much more eloquent. It's just so very overwhelming to live with this automatic mood reading mind that always makes meaning out of every little mood shift and always makes me the one responsible for it. Anyway, thank you for acknowledging these experiences and putting them into words.
Wow, your angle to analyse it nailed. According to mom, she didn't have flaws but if you said something she will cry or just start silent treatment... Other type of eggshells... Thanks for sharing your view ❤
I say this every time I post. Everything out of your mouth is gold. You know it, because you lived it. Story of my life.
I highly recommend the walking on eggshells book.
I went through a DBT course with my insurance and it was amazing.
Every page I would tell myself why did I not know this before? Why did my parents not teach me this because they were eggshell parents and they did not have the skills to teach their children to have a productive life. Their answer was yelling and screaming, degrading and intimidation. The same things that toxic bosses use. I lived through hell having bosses that were just like my parents. In a position of power and whatever they said and did was right even though your brain knew it was wrong and knew it was abuse.
Strange thing, is somehow being drawn to chaos, the unhinged, the toxic. Just imagine having the skills to observe and recognise, without fear or panic, and to calmly insist on boundaries. It's hard to do this due to childhood training, where enduring pain was a surreal prerequisite, a hump to get over, before getting to a period of calm. Daily, weekly cycles, through the most Important stage of growth.
The boss people make you manage their appearance to others and smooth over the problems they cause , then the co workers send you to deal with them as they hide at their desks. Then you are the target if their is company slow down. You have to be eliminated, shamed and blamed for their disfunction.
Your co workers are not your friends ever.😢
@@janetromey7522 well said. At 55 I can count at every job at the moment I became the Target and that was always as soon as I stood up for my co-workers and then they didn't have my back. In fact, they all were like what in the hell are you talking about? We never said that.
I used so much of my childhood to find out what mood my mom had for that day every single day and then tried to make her feel better or happy. Nothing I did was ever enough and that feeling of not being good enough has followed me my whole life. I was a mother to my siblings a cleaning lady a parent for her and I went out to earn money for helping to buy food and then making dinner. Otherwise we would have everything to eat. I was just 8 years old when I started working for my family to be a happy family but she started making me the bad one. The black sheep. The worst part is that she got my siblings to believe in her and I have paying the price to this day. I am now 52. But I am learning now and this video is helping ❤
I did what I could for my children never feeling my pain or worry about my mood so I didn’t cry and was silly (funny) and then telling them that they should talk about their feelings and that everything they felt was okay. I used all my energy to make them happy but forgot myself and that was not good because children don’t do what you said but what you do. So they learn from you, how you treat yourself and talk about yourself. So I was not perfect mom but I did what I could to be a better mom ❤
My mom is a whole mess I can't figure out and my dad enables her. She's great at pretending love for her now adult kids and grandkids, but her actions show otherwise. She's great at always making it about her, gets intensely upset if anyone calls her out to the point of a mental breakdown, and has completely alienated my brother and sister who are much more outspoken than me. I'm slowly beginning to not enable her either, but it's stil always a very subtle guilt trip when I set boundaries or question her. It's a mind trip, I'm constantly searching for what is going on and have yet to pinpoint it!
I think I’m going to need to watch this video again and again. So many things I relate to.
Im so sorry youre going through health struggles right now. I hopw you feel well soon. Thank you for making this video. This gave me the AHA moment i needed. Thank you x infinity
I’m 61 and even after earning a college degree- I’m lacking self confidence, and even real vision.
I grew up with my parents fighting constantly ( physical too ), alcoholism, sexual abuse and my poor mom was mentally ill. And my parents s lost 2 children. So now I struggle with managing my feelings , trusting my decisions and in feeling whole.
So many of us have untapped potential. Children years ago were more so to get a decent education that gave them a secure life with a sustainable income and stability. Even then, there were no guarantees and chance and circumstance befall us all. Health problems have derailed many in their financial safety net and beyond. No one knows how their life story will unfold. If you can continue on your path and develop problem solving skills, it is almost the best that you can hope for. Those that are incredibly wealthy are like those that play the lotto and win. One in many millions. Jesus said to follow his path and get a hold of the real life in doing so.
It is comforting to know that while we maneuver life as we know it now, we can find channels like Dr. Kim, that does a great job verbalizing our internal struggles. It is very sad that so many have had bad or incompetent parents. Unfortunately, their parents were as well, and so on it goes. At least now, some of us see the errors of ourselves and family and want to stop the dysfunction. As far as my own mother went, well, she was too perfect in her own mind to ever be questioned.....oh well. 🫢😞😄
I know it's hard. But somehow you should try to forgive. Doesn't mean you have to be around them, but try to let it go. I forgave my dad, in the end I guess he did the best he could. That was enough for me.😢
I'm so sorry for anyone, especially someone who goes on to help other's who went through this, who had to stiffle their emotions or be afraid to cry. I remember having those same crying, wailing sessions with my face stuffed in my pillow (suffocating practically) and my dad (probably feeling overwhelming guilt and anger that he has to suppress his rage or else he causes this) screaming for me to Shut up! Over and over and hitting the door. And then the shock and fear making me stop and then experiencing my first experiences of being high. Like I got some emotions out, now I don't have any choice but to completely dissociate and numb out. And not surprisingly I started to chase that numbness when I got old enough. He always apologized and he had two distinct personalities. One was an absolute demon and the other was an absolute life of the party, funny, sweet and affectionate man. I understand all of this now I just wish I could have talked to him about it all. I'm starting therapy again. It's really frustrating. I hate revisiting all this, but I can't move forward finally until I reach some kind of solution to make my life work.
Wow Kim! Thank you for showing up and making these videos. I’m grateful you pushed through your own blocks and started making videos to help support people when they unpack the bad parenting techniques that have caused trauma for us even into adult hood. I am Oder and I’m still afraid to have friends and feel exhausted after socail events even though I’m well liked and people seem to respond positively to me. I refuse to go anywhere and recluse when I am going through any struggles be it work, financial emotional or health. I pull away from friends and I barely ever talk with my family for fear of judgement, shame blame or criticism. It’s easier being alone that to be open and when I’m so sensitive to the moods and emotional expression of other.
I am the product of a narcissist and walk-on-egg-shell parents
I often wonder why I feel sad when there is no apparent reason. As I think through your list, I think it can account for nearly every unexplained sad feeling I’ve experienced. Thank you for compiling this info.
I re-watched this 3x...you validate me so much! Thank you for sharing this video it hits home so hard. Sorry to hear your not feeling well, hope you get to feelin better soon
I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling so well. Thanks for the great wisdom you share.
My first memory as a child was being outside with my dad while he painted the house, accidentally sat in a puddle of oil on the carport and his first reaction was being concerned about mom being mad about ruining my outfit. I still have to practice being unavailable for her moods at almost 40.
Thank you a Million for all you’ve posted! I’ve finally after 45 years can understand myself after waiting and hating myself. I’m choosing to love myself. ❤❤❤
You are amazing! Thank you for this. So helpful ❤
Ty KIM. Our sick parents expected us to meet their needs. It’s supposed to be the opposite. We were there to MEET THEIR NEEDS. Unconscionable.
2 yrs of therapy later I realized how my childhood shaped me. My mother an alcoholic was in her own pain she couldn’t see Me! So to survive I learned to deal with all my emotions myself. No wonder I ended up hyper independent emotionally detached…. It’s how I made myself feel safe! ( dismissive avoidant) It took a while but all off those buried feelings have been allowed to surface but then I had to learn to deal with those feelings… then I went anxious. Finally I have found some balance and it feels great
God, it's all so exhausting. I have to nap just to make it through each day.
This video has captured so much so well. Setting the tone, eggshell parenting, shame and blame. Precious alone time. My hyper-vigilance makes me feel like I'm lit up like a Christmas tree.I had to re-read my mother every-time she left the room for a just minute it was so knife-edge the whole time. Since getting a better understanding of a lot of this I've tried to convince myself I can harness the hyper-vigilance like a super-power instead, work in progress! Thank you so much for this video. I'm really looking forward to more on eggshell parenting.
You’re telling my story Dr Kim. My mother would rage tell me it was my fault. Send me to my room. And I remember one day in particular. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 7 or 8 and I had just been sent to my room for no good reason. Although I think it was just my mother’s way of protecting me from herself in that moment. And I was angry and I was saying “I didn’t do anything!” Well thank God my 6th sense was still quite open at that age… yes this really happened. My main guide came through telepathically, and I could hear, “No it’s not your fault Carrie. You’re a good girl. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your mother just has some problems.” And then I felt this tremendous amount of love being directed my way. I don’t know what I would have done without that help from Spirit. And then, of course, just like you said my mother would come back later and apologize and I would have to say it’s OK mom…even though it really wasn’t… and nothing changed. but you see I had my strong and rich, inner world and communication with my Guide. And that plus the fact that my mother did take responsibility… Even though she would just do it again the next time. But it was still far better than being blamed and shamed. And as my guide told me that I was a good girl, and I just needed to comprehend that my mother had some issues…. I intuitively felt the truth in that. I had so much wisdom for such a young child! It’s clearly not my first rodeo. Thank you for these videos Kim. Much appreciated!
That inner guide n voice was God
The last time I tried to take my own life away, I heard this inner voice saying “But there is so much more, are you sure you want to do this?”. That voice right there, saved me.
Thank you 🙏 ❤,You make a difference.
Mommy was mad:
- I have to clean the house
- I have to say something nice about her
- I have to ask for her advice
- I have to ask her if she's ok
- I have to stay in my room
- I have to be quiet
- I have to I HAVE TO I HAVE TO
I'm so done being born by this person.
Kim, I’ve just discovered your channel. It’s full of such beautiful wisdom, thank you! I’m navigating an incredibly tough break from my therapist who blurred boundaries and created an unsafe space and my desire to go back into one-on-one therapy with another counselor just isn’t there yet (and may never be)…so it’s nice to still feel that I’m finding access to therapeutic support through your channel. What you say makes perfect sense and although I spent 6+ years in psychotherapy to heal complex trauma from childhood, I’m always learning.
Thank you so much. Really glad I found you. Great explaination of how trauma colours relationships. Dissociation, fear, guilt, timidity. Thanks for being on my side, helping to understand the hand-break, that is subconsciously interfering with, and preventing the enjoyment of healthy relationships. Admire also the bravery and honesty in the personal understanding, as well as the academic or theoretical. Xx
I really enjoyed this video!
Dr. Kim! Again what a relatable video. I absolutely experienced all of these things, mostly from my mother. Her unhealed trauma ran the show and she's now in her 70's and it's still running the show. Thank goodness for my own healing and minimal contact with her. She makes everyone around her responsible for fixing her dysregulation. It's not only exhausting, but it requires self abandonment and I'm not willing to pay that price anymore.
This video just makes me want to curl up and cry. Feels like I can’t ever get past things.
It's crazy how many of us experienced different flavors of the same exact trauma. 😮
Dr. Kim, thank you for sharing your own story with us. It just makes you so real and lets us know that what you're telling us comes from your soul and not the pages of a clinicians manual. Also, the topics you choose each week seem to be eerily synchronistic to what comes up for me during the week and helps clarify so much! (I find that amazing). Thank you so much for sharing ! One last thing, since I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be your mother, I would like to apologize for her behavior toward you. 😢 I'm deeply sorry you had to go through the emotional and any other trauma to which you may have been exposed. You are a wonderful person for having gone through it, however. Thank you for being you ❤️
My grandmother was a narcissist, my mother blamed me for her issues. My dad's parents were narcissist, he in turn was a narcissistic pedophile. I fought him and my mother's mother most of my life! I still fight the toxic they installed in me. The only one I forgave before death was my mother because of how she was raised. But I can't forgive her for giving me and my sister to our dad's abuse. I understood she didn't want the abuse he did during those times. But I fought him. To this day, I have issues about being with a bunch of people around. I'm 62 and happily single! I have 2 grown children, 1 has Down syndrome and the other helps take care of her. We are happy just the 3 of us . Their dad was abusive, drug addict. He left them when young and would come back and take from us.
Hope all a blessed day!
Bingo, yes. I'm quite sure my late toxic alcoholic parents were both undiagnosed AuDHD, dad was the rigid functioning dom NPD, my orphaned mom likely undiagnosed BPD and or bipolar. She would go off like a bomb, screaming and throwing things. After Mom left when I was 10, my dad regularly told me to go to hell if I ever disagreed with him. 😢 19:36
They raged and fought horribly, but never owned their behavior, ever.
I'm a very codependent traumatized AuDHD adult child at 57 just beginning to unwind and heal all this now. Your videos definitely help.
Also Darlene Lancer for Codependency, as well as Tim Fletcher. Thank Goddess for RUclips. Just now growing some boundaries, finally, ahhh. So helpful. ❤
Dr Kim
Thank you❤
I hope and 🙏🏼 you feel better soon! Wish you were in FL💜☮️🫶
💯 You nailed it. Thank you for putting words to my feelings and emotions.
Thank you. I can so relate to this ❤
Never ever could or would I have talked back to especially my mom, we always had to listen and be supportive no matter what. Anything less or anything else was disrespectful.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me to identify.
God Bless you Dr Kim; the chronic repetitive nature of these dynamics are difficult to even accept as abnormal or significant (or requiring adjustment/change/healing- Perhaps fawning extending internally) until adulthood brings undeniable negative consequences of intense hypervigilance for all health, relationships and life-progression 🖖
What can I do with this treasure of a video? If it was an expensive piece of artwork, I would consider taking out a loan so I could hang it where I'd see it whenever I want. This is the story of my childhood and of my parents" own pain and the reason for the outcome of my adulthood! And my sister's. I am fantasizing about sending this to everyone I care about and saying, "Look! It's all here! It's all right here in this video!". But I am alone in my understanding of the preciousness of this video so all I can do to celebrate it, is to leave this comment, express my gratitude and bless you with clarity and "simchat chayim" (joy of life). Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.
Kim, yet another great video that hits so close to home. I relate to all the signs you talk about to varying degrees. My father was emotionally distant even before he left when I was a teenager. My mother was inconsistent at best when it came to giving emotional support and yet she relied on my older brother and I for support after my father left, more so upon me since I was more available. Then there was the parentification and the guilt tripping that she is an expert at. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about a year and a half ago when I experienced a huge flashback. Fortunately, I found a great therapist aftef that happened to help guide me on a healing path. You mentioned DBT which I am aware of; we have some some EMDR work as well as IFS which has been really helpful for accessing those parts of me who are still frozen in the past.
Thank you for sharing details about your own experiences as that really helps to validate my own experiences when it has been so difficult to learn to how validate myself. ❤
Excellent, articulate. Thank you ❤
You always upload new videos when I need them the most. Thanks❤️
I can understand things you say as it resonates with me. My parents were not tactile loving. I also couldn't go to them with problems. I felt aloneness.
Thank you Dr Sage 🙏.
Another thought provoking video to help frame and give language to the origins of our trauma and consequences in our adult lives.
We cannot truly give our wounded parts heart felt compassion until we understand how much our inner children suffered.
Your videos help open up the dark basements where they have hidden, enticing them to finally look out and know we are there for them, to see and hear their pain and love them as they deserved ❤
Thank-you, Mommy in heaven, for breaking the cycle.
These comments are gut wrenching.
I want you to be happy and healthy. You're selflessness and courage I am glad I took the time today. I'm seriously verbally abusive. No one ever listens to me when I'm kind. They step on me. No one cares. Everyone who abuses or abused me is happy, successful and unpunished.
Wow this just clicks for me. captures so much of my struggles, past and present. Thank you for this perspective
Wow. Thanks for sharing, Dr. Sage. I was punished for crying, too. Maybe not beaten for it, but I definitely got emotional abuse for it.
I felt all of this so hard.
I didn't have eggshell parents, that I remember. I do remember that if my mom got upset because we left the house a mess, she would say I'm done, I'm going to a hotel tonight. I remember asking my dad (in concern and fear) if mom was coming back. She always came back. Now that we're grown, she doesn't do that anymore. So, that might contribute to feelings of abandonment. I rarely got punished because I was a "good" kid. I didn't try to challenge anything.
yes eggshell walking is a REAL GOOD visual expression.
And never really feeling safe, and if you are punished for showing strong emotions, well what else remains than freeze and/or appease/comply...
This video is very helpful in understanding all the issues we have to work thru now as adults. This whole video I believe is the heart of why some of us have fearful avoidant attachment. Why would we want to get close to people when our first source was sometimes loving but just as many times also very scary? Hypervigilance and walking on eggshells is deeply ingrained in us now.
I'm going thru this. I'm doing trauma therapy now and realizing that it's taken forever and carrying my trauma with me to adulthood
Your videos make me want to go into social work to help young girls
Thank you for this and putting yourself out there❤
My mom always threatened to abandon me when we had disagreements or arguments, im 19 about to be 20. She went through alot in her past, everyone does, it matters what you do with your time and feelings, some people want to to change some don't. Im glad im mature and want to talk things out but not when they are still angry.
WOW! Thank you Dr Kim for voicing these pearls of knowledge, and opening this for all of us to see we are not alone in life. You have opened, with clarity, a subject that is going to help even us who have seen and been (for want of a better word) 'victims' of our parents inadequacies. We grow up, we look back, we understand, then we forgive but we are left damaged. We then choose whether to have children because we know we can't trust that we wont be able to cope even though we understand the effects on another... So we then know, have understand that we must scoop up the victim, and from our heart full of love we have to apologize letting them in on our horrible secret of how we are unable sometimes not to be angry. From here, from this moment of admission this moment is never forgotten within and my experience allowed me to love. But we still cannot feel love for our self because that can of worms still hasn't been fixed. But the most important part of your insight you share gives us the backing to stop repeating history's damaged parenting. I look forward to listening to your "direct un-emellished" wisdom. Thank you again and you have my loving prayers of support.
I’m proud of you, for refusing to stay a victim & instead be Victorious learn & Teach better than anyone can.(❤Thank u I’m 6 ‘230 lb Muscle head Wrestler 🤼 Type & make me sit up listen attentively like a 👦 ,my Inner child). Go Chiefs!!
100% you have hit the nail on the head!
Can you please do a video for my friend and I? We are both in our 20s. Never dated. Never kissed. We are cute but isolate ourselves and have intense anxiety around guys. We both don't know how to feel like our inner selves/ character/ companionship could ever be valued by a man enough for him to attach to us. We have had years of therapy. Most therapists have been unhelpful. We feel like we are losing so much of our youth to trauma
Ty for any ideas...
Great video, I love how you managed to take something you talk about all the time and reframe it in a new way. It's very helpful. :)
I suffer with awful mood swings, anxiety and other issues, my mum was always angry with me as a child, i was never good enough, her father was crazy too, 3 generations of depressed people,
Thursday I had a horrible day at college. My teacher triggered my PTSD by knit picking how I was trying to get a transmission together . He kept telling me I'm flustered and throwing pieces at it. And I said I may look flustered but inside I'm just problem solving. I started down the rabbit hole of feeling that he was making something out of nothing. Also in front of the whole class. I got embarrassed and stood up for myself. He knows I have problems with my mood but argued and said , " how's that working for you ?" As I use trial and error naturally to problem solve. He was flustered himself already. So I had a yelling match . He asked why don't ask for help , and I screamed " I don't know how to ask for help" I felt he was picking on me. I left in anger . This was my lab. I'm still upset over it. I still don't really understand what he truly wanted out of me . We had like 6 groups of 2. My lab partner was nothing but a pile so I had to carry both of us to get the transmission built. I have a hard time dealing with people. I try to act calm but I just get fast like. I can't help being the way I am. Why point out everything I can't change or control as he did. He was very aggressive about it to in a way. He just kept coming at me with how I'm all anxious and not working through the process. I took 2 serequil prior to class but they didn't help . My psychiatrist won't give me Ativan bc at night I need oxygen bc I get hypoxic . Only if I had that to take I may not have had such a downfall. My PTSD took me down again.
I'm even willing to drop out even though I graduate in a few months.
Love this video and information, thank you! I suspected mood trauma from my own childhood experience and pain. And I have been working with a workbook for Invasive thoughts and overwhelming emotions. I realised I operate alot from mood dependant behaviour. Doing things that go against my values, saying things out of line, making purchases when I know I can't afford it etc.
Question: Do you offer any help/course to heal from mood trauma?
Many thanks
Wow, that was a great talk! I'll think about this for a long time, that's for sure. Thank you! 🙏
It makes it harder to deal with other peoples toxicity when your an empath, in my own personal experience.
Thanks Kim 💐 Mine made/makes it my fault. She made sure I understood that doing the most basic things for me was a burden. There was no joy in it for her. Still isn't. Ever
That's absolutely the worst type of parenting even with my highly violent alcoholic mother, I felt needed to take care of her, but no matter what I did, I was at the bottom of her totem pole. Now I am at the bottom of my own children's totem poles, even though they tell everyone they had a fairytale childhood. That oxymoron freaking breaks my heart everyday. I served them. When they didn't need any more service, I was cast aside. Heartbreaking!
It's not your fault it never was your fault and although it is heartbreaking you must take find do things for yourself but you Find Happiness in because they will NEVER changeand I Don't think that's because of anything About U or me or any of these victims of childhood abuse PERIOD. I have taken to traveling the world to escape the pain and suffering that have been afflicted on me by my own children who say I gave them a childhood from a fairy tale bso apparently either way you lose. perhaps Having children was the mistake but how would we know, All we can do is try to distract ourselves find other interests and live with the self defeeling deep inside the brakes are hearts everyday every night in every dream.😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
AWESOME video! Thank you so much! ♥️🥰💞
I am too harsh on myself. It is hard to get over it.
There is so much truth in your video. I was working on this issues for all my adult life, but from this video I am realizing that I am still not there. How do I help myself to get there faster?
💜
I am so sorry for the thinks little you experienced that gave you a wrong understanding of love and I have no doubt that unhealthy standard for what you should accept from someone you love as love
I say all of this from the empathy I have as a survivor of childhood trauma and relationship trauma in 3 or more of my past relationships
I discovered that I am AuDHD in 2021 in the middle of my youngest child’s diagnosis process and journey through professionals who would ultimately help me to understand about the genetics and heredity aspect of her neurodivergence that I had to have explained to me because I was adopted into my family at 6 months of age and so the first people I was ever genetically linked to in family was my children
It’s a lot
I could write a book about it all to encourage others in their journey
I’m also Christian in my faith and that’s how I came to understand what love really sounds like and behaves like
By learning about the teachings of Jesus .
Thank you for sharing your story on video and for being brave in your calling to help others
My heart recognizes yours and I hope this message encourages you to keep going 💞
Sending you love and wellness Dr Sage 🙏❤️
Thank you for sharing 🙏even if this subject is hard, just listening to you is soo helpful ❤
This is amazingly insightful, thank you 🙏
Au contraire, my crazy mother revelled in the fact that I was afraid of her. Literally said to a friend," make them afraid of you."
This really hits home. Thank you!
One of my siblings told me to stop crying when mom turns at us physically because it makes her hit more
This is My life. My experience. However, my next chapter will be different armed with truth. And the drive to change according to knowledge.
Yes. Thank you.
Your cat is so beautiful
What is the name of the artist playing ur beautiful intro music. I’ve heard it before and I loved it from first time I listened to it. Ty so much . The music so much resonates with me.
I always thought i was the problem within my family. Always! Until 5 months ago when i started my self care journey. I have always been moody and dysregulated and any type of emotional outburst, i was treated like i was this horrible person and my mother had told me on multiple occasions that i was a horrible person. When you hear this for your whole life, what else are you supposed to believe? My father was an alcoholic and treated me like the parent, my step father was extremely abusive and would smash up the house whenever he was in a bad mood and my mother is extremely sensitive and dysregulated. I realized recently that i am not the problem. I was having dinner at my mother's house and i was in a bad way. My stepdad shouted at me and i left. I stopped and went straight back and completely flipped at him. How dare he make me feel like a freak when i have emotional dysregulation when i have learned it all from them!? He walked away from me and slammed the door in my face. He wouldn't even listen to me and i looked into the kitchen and my mothers face. The look of disgust towards me! I couldn't believe it. From that day forward, i cut off contact for awhile and eventually set boundaries. It has been so so difficult and my depression has come back with a vengeance because i am so used to feeling like it was all my fault but i know now, it wasnt. I was a kid. Waking up and realizing that your parents/ caregivers dont actually care about you that much is soul crushing but i know i am doing this for me. For my mental health.
Thank you so much for sharing 🙏
What a video. Thanks saving this one.
Great video I enjoyed listening to
Extremely helpful video Kim, thank you. What is the DBT manual you recommend please?
Here it is!❤ www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582/ref=asc_df_1684034582/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=366299527575&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12535542157200259195&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031503&hvtargid=pla-818602319988&psc=1&mcid=50c42437fbf033ce999635e47c3cfbcf&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=79033899111&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=366299527575&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12535542157200259195&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031503&hvtargid=pla-818602319988