self silencing: 14 signs💔
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
- This video describes 14 signs related to the theory of Self Silencing and relationships (Dr. Dana Jack's psychosocial lens in which to explore women's mental health issues, initially focused on the roots of women's depression and the disparity of mental health issues between women and men). However, anyone can find themselves self silencing, and as a result, find themselves people pleasing, compulsively caretaking and suppressing their true selves. Self silencing is deeply rooted in gender expectations and roles women have and are still expected to assume, and the significant toll upon our mental and physical lives.
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Not being able to be our authentic selves as children continues into adulthood suppressing who we were meant to be. Learning to meet the parents needs instead of parents meeting our needs as children. Examination of our family of origin dynamics is crucial for mental health. This has been a huge priority for me. I went no contact from my extremely toxic family of origin 25 years ago. Childhood trauma survivor here, long story. Ty Kim.
Going through this now at 40 years old.
Endured an extremely toxic family my mother died last year she was ferocious with me... And now taking care of my bedridden father... I guess I m a co derepent so just don't know h what or how to deliver myself from this self depreicating situation... 😢
45 years old and I still feel like a terrified child. It’s all I know.
😢 Im sorry. Hugs.@@Jay10.13
This video is so me😢
This is me. My whole life. Now I'm in my 60s, it feels like I wasted my life. I'm trying to move forward while there's still time.
I hear you. What I try to remind myself of is if I cannot fully get there, to that place where I can guaranteed have my own back 24/7, the least I can do is die trying
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All we have is the here and the now. There is no moving forward…you are already ahead of the game having gained, however painful, from these experiences. Accept your awareness and open further to all that life has to offer as you discover what interests you, the actual you, not the one that agrees with what culture wants or what seems to be sensible and reasonable to your good girl role. Notice how your real feelings contrast with everyone around you. Delight in creating your secret garden that doesn’t require the validation of others. Get interested and curious about your time in this garden.
You survived our society
Every day we put our feet on the floor is another chance to do better.
We don’t want to be codependent or selflessly over serving people who truly don’t need our help.
We don’t want to be door mats - but we can encourage others and let our light shine in our own way.
I’m making the most of life at 58 by connecting with others -
For example, saying hello to the store clerk, holding the door for someone, asking people how they are (and really listening to the answer.)
We can make a bigger impact than we realize by doing the little things.
There is so much pain and disconnection in the world -
we CAN make a difference using our wisdom, compassion and empathy before we leave this world.
It’s the LITTLE things that really count in the end.
I know this from watching 100’s of people who died & came back and also reading many books for decades about people who were clinically dead and returned to this world.
Kindness truly DOES matter and God is writing everything down in our book of life.
The Bible says He also collects all of our tears in a jar and specializes healing broken hearts.
He did ALL of that for me - which is why I speak out for Him now.
The best thing we can do is treat others as we would like to be treated while also giving ourselves love, respect and good self care.
Because WE matter, too!!!
We are ALL children of God and we ALL matter.
Period.
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Same! I am 48 but still feel like my life is over because of how many years I’ve wasted and now I have nothing left 😢
What I have most gained from this information is the realization that, in order for me to stop silencing myself, I need to start silencing everything else and listen more closely to me. ❤😌
This is *exactly* what I’m choosing going forward- no more listening to anyone else outside of me, no more paying attention to those outside of me. What is the point in living if I’m never living as myself?
Word
Including the internalized, sometimes very intrusive voices in our own heads. Learning to be the observer of the thoughts and then to ponder them, to wonder if I agree with them, has helped me immensely to find my own voice through the internal mess. We could call that developing our adult self i guess.
Yaaasss!! So true! Practicing this is hard and uncomfortable, especially at the beginning. It does get easier. I know it does and that’s what keeps me going.
@@cannibale101 That's very helpful, thank you. Now that I think about it, this is a version of what Michelangelo said when he said he chips away at everything that isn't the final statue. I've been getting in the habit of chipping away other people's problems and stresses and opinions, now I'm going to chip away at my own that are old or harmful, too. :-) We're creating ourselves anew!
This is unbelievable! This is my daughter to a T. Makes me feel so sorrowful for her. I'm so surprised. She's been in an emotional and verbally abusive marital relationship for 25 years; she's finally getting a divorce. Thank you for this presentation.
Abuse makes people easy to control.
It also makes us versatile, adaptable ❤
@@marieo5417 for some time yes, but it's at the expense of our needs and makes me distance myself from people after some time and not coming back to that. Becoming more mature also means realising you don't have to be with those people who make you feel uncomfortable and use you.
@@BlertaPupu Yes, agree, and then we can choose whether to be versatile/adaptable 🕊
YES
True 🙏
Wow. You just literally described so much of what I struggle with. I grew up feeling voiceless. And I struggle with voicing so many things.
Yeah. I think there are a LOT of us out there :(
I am 29, and started my healing journey few years back, love how evrything is unfolding for me. It's a tough road but i will do it. And to all the people who are saying that have wasted their life bcz they have reached a certain age, i wanna say you that age is an illusion. You still have time enjoy and lead a beautiful life. ❤️
We can't win - either we silence ourselves or we're attacked for being our authentic selves. In this society women have to be feminine and sexual to get by. If a woman is not these things, she's laughed at, criticised, or even verbally attacked by men. Likewise, women in this society must be loving and compassionate: if a woman is not, she's criticised strongly by the spiritual community. If one becomes a feminist in order to speak out, society rejects one. So in order to be my authentic self, and to feel happy about myself, I avoid society.
It has often felt that way. Besides that, I grew up with such offensive sayings that I never thought twice about! God forbid, one of those slips out in this day and age. I mean, to this day, I have sometimes caught myself automatically ascribing "him" to someone of a high-standing position. I certainly don't FEEL that way, but the language seems ingrained somewhere and I am terrified of saying something embarrassing that will follow me forever.
So what? Let them laugh, criticize, etc.
When you let others determine your worth, define you, and so on, you are giving up your power.
You define you. If others say otherwise, know it’s about them. People will do what they do, based on their own cognitive distortions, subconscious programming, biases, etc, it means nothing about you!
To live your life small, in fear, of what others will say, is not empowered, healed, confident. It is handing others the reigns to control your life.
Take control of your life and don’t let others get to you.
To take what they say, to heart, is to believe someone looking at you through a kaleidoscope of fun house mirrors…it’s not accurate.
Once you really honor, accept your authentic self, and aren’t affected by others opinions…you will draw the right people to you. However, if you remain under the spell that their opinion matters, you will be controlled by that.
YOU determine your destiny and develop the internal fortitude, having your own back, to move through life without worry of others views of you.
Do dogs care what others think they should be? Nope. We humans have this ceaseless mind activity that is making narratives about our value, based on what others say. Yes, we are affected because “belonging” to the tribe is a need for safety, evolutionarily….but we don’t belong with people who are toxic! We can move through and see them as wounded people, not making it mean anything about our value.
Once you KNOW your infinite, incredible, value, NO ONE can move it! You can be around anyone and it doesn’t change your value. Others evaluations aren’t given any merit, because you know how you are.
It takes a while to get to that place, but it’s possible and a sign of true healing.
We get labeled as bitches.
I've just learned over the years that what I say and what my needs are don't matter to people so why bother bringing them up. It isn't a good place to be in but person after person after person has shown this to me, even as I value myself and my needs so it I know I'm worthy and feel it but it is a waste of breath to tell others, I could use that energy to take care of myself.
Could you make a video speaking to this? How to handle it when everyone in your life behaves this way? I know not everyone is like this but the majority are in my experience. Thank you for the videos they are always very helpful and thought provoking.
The same here,although I have been thoroughly reduced to worthlessness
@@user-dy2zy8rd2t Don't give them that much power over you. You are a beautiful creature alive on this world right now, why should people with their heads up their @$$es have any say in the matter? They can't speak or see while they're in there. It's a terrible perspective. Go climb some mountains instead, it isn't lonely at the top when you are climbing with self-love as your companion.
I shut down when facing sociopaths 😔 this too is a form of self silencing
It's a sign to run!
@@LoveBeliefTruth hard to do when you live in the same room with them
So do I--but I am slowly learning NOT to--they DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to shut me down! DON'T give that over to them!
I subscribed awhile ago,but have only watched this video all the way through. I turned 70 in January and my family of origin (mom,dad,and two older brothers) have all passed. To be honest,at this point,I am just biding my time until my own death. No,I do not have a plan to actively end my life,but I will certainly welcome that last breath. I am just exhausted. And while it’s true,I had a very screwed up childhood, I have been an adult for a very long time and I,alone,am responsible for this hopeless place I have carried with me all these years. I’ve done therapy,medication,12-step groups…but have lacked the commitment to follow through. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere,and my gut reaction to any praise or expression of love from anyone except my immediate family…was always,”if they REALLY knew me,they wouldn’t feel that way”. I have become a true recluse and though I truly love people,I just find it easier and less exhausting to keep to myself. Chose to never have those babies I once dreamed of,so my ONE achievement is that I haven’t passed this heartache on. Your videos
touch on SO much that might help me,but it just feels like it’s too late for me,there’s too much wrong in me. Yet I’m taking the time to write this,so maybe there IS still a flicker of hope in this old soul! And your podcasts fan that flicker,so I just want to thank you for sharing so honestly. I know you are helping countless people! Thank you,Dr.Kim!❤️
56 and I feel the same way. Toxic childhood and then toxic State agencies for 8 years. I wish you the best of luck. I have hope now that I know I am broken because of the toxic people in my life. Toxic workplaces.
@@HostileWorkplaceEXPOSED I’m sending you an understanding hug and the love of a fellow survivor. Hope is a precious thing to have.❤️
My father used to call me Silent Sam. I’m the third daughter of 6
I hear you, especially about the not passing trauma on...and am sending love @Ctkare4k9. I hope you find the peace and joy that you deserve. Best wishes x
@@lesliemonaghan5853 are you able to say now what you were too afraid to say then? I was the youngest and only girl,so missed out on sisters though I imagine it was very painful to be both silent and a middle daughter. Big hugs and love,hon.❤️
I'm a guy with no kids and feel most of these apply to me
Well, yeah, feelings are universal. This was touched right in the first few seconds of the video.
It's very easy to see through a more female perspective because most women are expected, if not raised, to basically give up their livelihood to raise children and support their husband. Older siblings get this treatment too but because society expects guys to drive forward and women to hold down the home without realizing that women also have dreams and men also want to settle, there tends to be a gender bias due to socialization.
Of course they can. ❤ Not sure what your childhood was like but we all, as kids (boys & girls) might 'learn' to mold ourselves around our parents if they had issues like anger, addiction, sadness, or if they'd put out anything negative that we wanted to avoid. I learned to cry silently with no expression because my mother died when I was 2 and if I cried it upset my dad, so I practiced keeping my emotions to myself (that's often a boy thing; don't be a crybaby, but I heard it as a little girl from my own dad), and continued to do so with everyone else in order to keep the peace or make sure everyone (in every situation) was getting along as smoothly as possible. I'm still doing it in many ways, and am working on keeping other's emotions and problems and stresses at arm's length, not getting involved anymore... I need to put myself first, and let everyone else's chips fall where they may. Wish me luck, lol!
The illness and disorders you mentioned are all integrated into the ACES score. “Adverse childhood experiences “.
Yes they are ❤🙏🏻
@@DrKimSage Ty dr Kim for acknowledging.
I am a 55 year old mother of 3 amazing young adults...who survived me. I had a very emotionally messed up childhood which included sexual abuse at a very young age. Everything in this video describes me. A lot of this science came about in the last decade. It was about 10 years too late for me to raise my children how I wish I could have. Undiagnosed ptsd and a father who was loving and ill equipped to handle the storms made for some very chaotic times. I had 3 kids under 5 and probably post part and no closely support. Once I got help I was very apologetic, clear and open about how had been wrong and wanted to do better. My kids can talk openly about their mental help. I thought. My eldest, who we are/were both close too, moved out..we were totally supportive.She asked me to look at apartments with her. A month after being on her own she told us she needed time away form us and hasn't spoken to us in 9 months. I am glad she is working things through at a much younger age as I wish I could have. And yet it hurts immensely to have radio silence. She only lives a town away. I work at being grateful to know she is safe and my parents and her siblings let me know a little but I try not to ask....boundries. Ive done A LOT of therapy for decades. Thank god because I need that knowledge now! Whew! Long story, sorry folks!
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Thank you for sharing. I had a messed up family too and the only person I am still close is the person who apologized. I don't want to make this about me, but what I am saying is, part of the story is how it was back than and the other part is, how people deal with it now. And taking responsibility is such a big and good thing to do.
Being apologetic, taking responsibility, and being able to be compassionate in your understanding for your daughter's need for space to work through it all is something to be proud of, in terms of your own growth, and supporting the growth and healing of those around you.
thank you. It aint easy!!@@sharonaumani8827
Me too. *hugs* I wish I had known about my cptsd in my teens not my late 40s. My poor kids.
Not all women are like this, it was more common in the past, I’m as old as the hills and have seen a huge change in women’s expectations. I was a traditional housewife and it worked for me, but of course I know that it’s not what the majority of women want now, and that’s fine.
A lot of the issues come from upbringing as you say, but people with the self confidence that comes with the right parenting are able to put themselves first when necessary. I’d like to think I’ve achieved that with my own children, and also as a mother of both sexes I see as many issues for men and the expectations on men are huge, and their roles have changed dramatically which is causing issues with their identity and mental health. Men however have generally been taught to suck it up and don’t present with any issues until they are in a dire situation mentally.
Society has changed beyond all recognition, I remember my grandmother living a life of caring that would leave most people speechless. My grandfathers life was equally tough.
Things change, we are a long way off getting it right, maybe we never will. It starts with nurturing our children boys and girls and giving the tools they need
😢 God!! I wish i could go back and be little again and do it all over again❤
No, please, just no.
I want to start from 25 yo and knowing that christian faith is not real so I'm free and that I don't have to accept my father's abusive behavior and from anyone else..
Knowing what nsrcissism is and that I am free to travel and develop myself and it's my human right to say no to my mothers request ms to support her so she can show me to her social circle or worse: to make her feel less solo bc my father is not by her side.
In a healthy family it's normal to support eachother but I always felt pressure. It's probably me idk.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 I'm so sorry you had to live through all that. I hope you're at a better place now mentally and can heal!
@@BlertaPupu Thank you for your kind reply 😊 yes I'm 48 now and left a job after 16 years and being r.ped in my apartment. Drama list lol but I'm also resilient and optimistic of nature.
I sold the apartment where it happened. Moved to country side. Missed the city, sold that house too and in 2021 I Moved back to my beloved city, 800 meters away from my old apartment but in better area. I worked from home all this time.
Then my employer kind of pressured me to go on sick leave while zi did not have a burn out. I think I had exhaustion from the covid vaccinations but bc I had that trauma and moved twice ppl kind of filled in for me it was stress. I decided to leave the job. Had my savings from the houde. Dreamt of working location free and travel but I wouldnt want to do that alone etc. Found a new job a good iob. Would start in september '23 but I cancelled it.
I felt pressure as if I needed to live more and rest. Probably an illusion bc i have no rest due to high rent.
So now applying for jobs again.. had a few intakes for emdr therapie but i didn't feel understood by the psychologist. I feel that I function best by just doing and living but the strange tiredness from the vaccination make me frustrated.
So...hapoy story lol not really. I don't want to he that drama person but jeah as many of us here, we didn't plan this life. We all want to love and live. Thank you for your wotds it really helps!
Wishing you a happy & healthy life.
@@BlertaPupu I replied to your reply but it was removed idk why maybe bc it was to long lol but anyway,
thank you for your kind words! I'm ok and indeed healing and reflecting looking for another job atm for a new start.
Wishing you a happy life!
High demand religion did it for me. I'm 64 years old and trying to deconstruct the damage done
I am grateful for this channel and the wisdom delivered with compassion by Dr. Sage. I am in middle age and even after 10 + years of therapy (the last 5 with a practitioner who is the best fit thus far who has helped me TREMENDOUSLY) am I just beginning to see events in my childhood - and the false beliefs I took away from them for what they are and how they impact me to this day. There is a lot of greif and pain associated with these realizations, but being able to speak about them is freeing me from the silence I needed to keep myself safe in a hostile and dangerous family environment. To anyone out there struggling, keep going. The journey may longer than you think it should (I have to forgive myself for "taking too.long to wake up"), but it is worth the time and effort.
Everyone though boys are more difficult raise, first time I heard girls are more difficult. That thought must stem out of mother's own insecurities and their (self) value depending on youthful good looks. Her daughter will obviously look better with smooth young skin, more vibrant with life as she grows up. So mother's who place their own value in looks are jealous! And if the daughter challanges her mom, why cannot the mom teach her not to make fun of her mom in hurtful ways, to not be a jerk to her mom. Helping the girl understand she'll also grow up, become unadult and get responsibilities like her mom. I noticed many moms don't open up about it and have daughters who might not respect them.
The different standards put on my brother and I growing up are insane. My brother is domestically violent to all of us, and they still cave to his every whim. I am all by myself, unsupported by them. I’m just now realising how this has affected me in my relationships. I am such a people pleaser. Growing up with a narc mum has only made things worse
you too.....
My beloved grandmother (mother of my mother) died last year and my first priority was taking care of my mothers needs. She then accused me of not caring about my grandmothers death, which was highly offensive and so weird to me, because I clearly suffered a lot. Also I had no idea how to cope with it and all the things I came up with were shut down by my mom.
Also I feel like I'm literally not allowed to be anywhere else in the house but my own room and in the kitchen for cooking and eating and the bathroom. I always feel bad using any other room.
This def applies to gay men (like me) on the more sensitive end of the emotional spectrum.
I’m rarely myself around other people (including family), I just adapt and tend to be agreeable for most things.
I'm sure you learned early on to mask [and were, unfortunately, better off for it in, at least in some, circumstances].
I got my autism diagnosis at 36…
This popped up right as I was piecing things together. I stopped talking to a guy recently, and I just wall of text dumped on him. The one thing you're not supposed to do. I thought I'd hate myself. I actually came to an epiphany that that is what I should have been doing this whole time. Who says I have to be cool? None of my friends agree with me. "That looks crazy, he's probably running away." That's how I felt, which is 50% of the exchange. I have to think of what's healthy for me, and that is being all of myself. It took a breaking point to get me to see that.
I can relate. From being a baby and crying too loud and getting a glass of cold water in the face, a baby learns not to cry loudly or at all. From kindergarten when creepy family friend would always call me his girlfriend, to be told to be "nice about it".From dad listing my 16 year old sister in an international pen pal magazine, which resulted in our mailbox full of sexual letters from men in the Middle East, and my sister was told how to feel about it (it's no big deal she was told by dad.... it's "natural") Any strong emotion was always corrected because strong emotions do not create a peaceful home environment. From receiving a diary with a lock on it in elementary school, but having to show dad what I wrote and being told what I am allowed to write and what I am not allowed to write. Yes, I think a lot of the programming is to become a care taking machine without needs of ones own.
Gross. I feel for you!
Excellent video again. You have given so many validation. Very much me. It's been a rough road towards healing. Thank you.
This is all how I exist. There is no authentic self...at least Icant find.
Hopefully, you can find some of that here
Thank you Dr Kim, you totally described me, I am working on finding myself, healing and being me.
Unfortunately, our work lives can really compound all of this since we are asked to put up with difficult people and situations for years.
Amen!
I wouldnt be silenced and I left my husband. Him and his brother are computer programers. My phone, laptop, email and social media accounts have been hacked for over ten years. They have to control even after you leave. They are pschopaths. My profile pic isn't me, obviously.
Self silencing feels like you cant speak
Women can't say what they want to say
Their words fall on deaf ears
If you feel constricted, stifled, restricted, confined, shut down.
If you feel depressed, suppressed, oppressed
Express as much of your real self and real emotions as you can get away with. Don't lose your house and job, or go to jail, but don't worry about the rest. Push the reset button on your life, and begin to live.
Every bit of this is so unfortunately true for me! I just try to at least exist now. I am too lost, broken, hurt, and scared. I just have to except that this is the way it’s going to be I cry almost every day with such pain in my heart and such hurt that my stomach is like a nervous disaster! Good luck to everybody out there that knows they can still find peace and happiness, and know that they deserve it!
Pretty much where I am right now.
Dr Kim are there vids here on ur backstory? I would love to know more about you. I’m very new to ur channel and have subbed.
You'd have to watch her previous videos. She sometimes talks about her life though rarely
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 Ty so much. I’ll do that.
Be silent,,remain that way,,and you will be unknown forever
I've never watched a video that called me out in so many ways! Wow. I needed to see this today. It hit a wound inside, but I'm ok with that. I associate with everything you mentioned. I feel like this applies to men too. My partner is very similar also. Very interesting 👌 thank you 😊 🙏
Just when I was thinking I listened more to other people than expressed my true authentic self and don't mean just in words, otherwise too. I had trouble showing my emotions for people publicly in group situations, to give people (men) likes and dislikes and let that show. I always hid my love 😭💔 it's a disaster now! 😭 i always tried to be "even" and mature, composed. - but sacrifised authentisicity, honesty, meaningful and true connections 😢💔 and also my self... I'm abuse victim, tons of trauma
OMG!! This video summed up my exact emotional status. Thank you for putting this together. I needed the words to begin to give myself grace. I couldn't put the words to my action paralysis...and freeze disposition.
This makes so much sense, and I relate. Thank you! 🙏🏼♥️
Hello Kim, I have been following your content for several months and really appreciate it. I have a question not related to the content though… what are the piano notes at the beginning of your videos? It speaks to me so intensely. What is it called please because I would love to hear the full version somewhere. Thank you so so much !
Self-advocacy is something for sure I need to work on. Sometimes I didn't know if the danger (someone's reckless driving while I am passenger ), was my abnormal response to fear or if I had a right to be fearful and petrified. I automatically didn't want to look “unstable” and could keep calm on the outside but on the inside I was scared for my very life! I never spoke up and am often more concerned about not embarrassing others for their problematic behavior in keeping myself “above it all” to cope and come across as “normal”. What is wrong with picture is that I am in the right and can't recognize that I have the right to be emotional and angry and voice it especially in a dangerous situation!!! Help!!! And then later after having to recover alone for 5 days realize I should have spoke up but never did. Add this to the many NPD people in the world today and it gets very difficult.
More gold from your lips. All of my employers from State agencies were toxic and they silenced you if you spoke up..
I had to encounter with the superintendent and each time he would yell at me and tell me to answer him, to look at him. Just like my toxic parents he did not want to hear what I had to say that is why he kept yelling at me to answer him. Answer him and tell him what he wanted to hear. To look at him so that he could intimidate me. I feared him. One encounter with him I kept asking him to stop and that I feared him. He kept mocking me and saying you fear me? You fear me? I finally got up and ran out of my office.
I have his statement of the incident and of course he claimed he was being so nice to me, he was so professional, his legs were crossed. He just could not understand why I was so emotional.
If you are in the same situation, document, document, document.
I am so lucky that these people were so self-righteous that they actually documented their behavior.
I don't know if I will ever heal from the toxic environment that I was forced to endure for 3 years for speaking up.
They silenced me, but I have found my voice and I will no longer be silenced.
Your videos give me hope that I can recover from the trauma I was forced to endure.
I advised my perpetrator that I had 8 out of 10 aces. He even documented in his notes. He stated I lectured him about anxiety and depression.
When in actuality I was asking him why he refused to put me on FMLA and process my reasonable accommodations.
He demoted me upon return from pfml when my job was protected.
Please please please please please please please people educate yourself on reasonable accommodations and the FMLA and pfml policies, processes and procedures. Ada reasonable accommodations through askjan.org.
I want to be able to help people that are in the same traumatic workplace that I endured.
Your mention of "state agencies silencing" made me shudder. I can imagine it. "Gold from the lips" is a great description of these videos!
I think you viewed self silence from unconscious perspective? I am self silincing type but conscious who accepts people for who they are and stopped caring for what they think or do there are manny views positive one on self silincing
Thank you for everything ypu do.
Over 4 weeks ago. No posts on RUclips since….
Ugh Dr. Kim how do you get into my head so well?!? Now when I was young I wasn't raised as a girl but I was raised to be the good kid. I was made to feel I didn't have needs unless it was somethingthat was just given to me. My parents even had a rule "If you ask for it you can't have it" and yes it's exactly what it sounds like. If I was out and I asked for something the answer was an automatic NO regardless of the situation. I had to be extremely skillful at choosing what was important and dropping hints and clues without outright asking. Ususally though I just decided that my needs and want's weren't that important and I should just be happy with what I got.
I wish I could find a therapist like you!
It's out of reach for so many. But, thank goodness for the availability of THIS and those, like Dr. Kim,. who are determined to put out content to assist and serve others. There is so much helpful information available, and ways to find your "own tribe" [I am just finding].
@@sharonaumani8827 yep! Im so thankful for channels like these’
❤my first time here..ty I'm 64 and as an oldest daughter,infj,and introvert...triple whammy. I have 9 kids..4 girl's and 5 boys..i avoided many of my parents beliefs and stuff.. its still going on for me. ❤ ty again
Dr Kim you’re the best- can you do a video for men please on “Conditional Love- From Mothers and Wives”? I just found out that men are essentially replaceable in the eyes of women and I’m disturbed. Thank you love your page
I would listen.
We still need to have compassion, empathy and forgiveness for our parents, grandparents and ourselves...we each handed down the best ( and worst) of whatever they themselves had to offer based on what was their experience growing up.... each mother(father) in her humanity does the best she can with what she has and what she knows... Compassion is the action of Empathy and forgiveness
It's possible to feel both, anger AND compassion.
As a woman who is healing my attachment style and rasing 3 children under 8, this video is super helpful. A mentor once told me the best thing I could do for my eldest daughter, who was acting out, was healing myself. This video helps me see where I want to be better for my children so that they are best earlier in life.
What wallpaper is behind you? As pretty as your message.
another great video. I don't remember my parents ever talking to me about me. I remember my mother putting my sister and me in the car and driving around because my father was raging at home. Then, we just went home and never talked about it. I would do anything to keep anyone from abandoning me, never looking at the character of the person I was pleasing. I was a mess. I ran away from success over and over because success is stressful, and my mother taught me to run away from stress. Now that I am safe, I am getting happier.
Similar to my experience--although I will never be safe--until I am dead.
I was taught to not talk, not cry, nor ask because I’m a nuisance. I still struggle with verbalizing myself because my self-absorbed, physically abusive (now I know to be narcissistic) mother couldn’t be bothered with anybody but herself.
I can relate. Narcissistic mothers are damaging. I hope you can find peace and love.
Oh my gosh, I haven't seen your content in MONTHS!
RUclips reminded me today, and here I am, completely grateful to be here and watching.
I'm sorry, Dr., I forgot all about your channel somehow, and right now I am just so excited to be remembering you!
Thank you, for all that you do here. This is such good work.
Today I identified an issue I've been having almost all of my life. I knew only it was tightly connected to my Social Anxiety. The issue was self-silencing, also known as self-censorship and stifling oneself. As a man the reasons I do it are slightly different: fear of rejection, of being scrutinized, judged, mocked, etc. but I also have exhibited most of those 14 signs. I still don't know why I've developed this. However I'm 100% that my mother has been like you described in the video for as long as I've known her. Have I learned it from her? I doubt it because I've only noticed it without knowing what it was only a few times. Just today I retrospectively realized she's been like that forever. Self-silencing is a chronic and painful self-suppression of thoughts, feelings, emotions, opinions, wants, desires, values, etc. It's a horrible way to live. I want to break free. Thanks for the informative video. I wish this was researched about men, too. ❤
Dr Kim
This is good!
It’s me
I have self stilled as a caretaker of my mom
No one wants to hear probs so if I speak I can get blamed
Will try to feel and speak
Even though fearful of losing support
That’s stress too
Does one speak up with narcissists / can’t greyrock
That’s self stilling to
You have such a good vast range of topics
Perfect timing!
Looking
K
#DrKimSage, Thank you for the video. How does self-silencing relate to traumatic brain injury?
Damn I'm like this until I'm pushed then I blow up then I feel bad and put myself low to the offender and I'm constantly trying to be too nice I even annoy myself especially when I'm alone .
I so appreciate your calm, validating, and informative videos. Thank you 💗
Lovely floral layouts Dr.the compassionate inquiry was beautiful and validating.
TY
This made me think of Tori Amos Lyrics of Silent All These Years. Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years. I have a hard time coming up with the words and instead song lyrics pop into my head that explain my whole life. And these lyrics have and still do resonate with me.
I'm trying to teach myself to speak as little as possible. (Can't deal with the triggering pain of being ignored and not being heard). Trying to talk as little as possible is diametrically opposed to my desire to learn to say no nicely without taking the question/request personally.
I thought this was everyone. 😱 Help. 😟
Dr Kim I’ve been following you for over two years and I have learned so much from you 💕 Listening to this lesson today has hit home on a deeper level… my sense of connection and my identity is based on being the provider. It’s how I have insured my connection to family members that otherwise (in my mind) may not want me around.
I’m 65, divorced… single and I actually do not know what my life would look like if I wasn’t the ‘helper’… ‘provider’…
Did you disappear from your channel? Hopefully, all is well with you.
i have brought kids and young badly treated horses out of their fear to get them started longterm. nothing like you would do Dr it’s my way of helping young people and my love for the horse.
I married a man who was one of three. His mother had the one girl. Basically ignored her two boys. Disgusting woman in every sense. Everyone who knew her out of the family loved her. But at home she was evil..
i knew a pretty woman who i loved and stayed loyal to she left had a baby that is life, am glad child was healthy that is what mattered most. i waited nearly 5 years coming. i saw her handful of times in the 5 years, so decided to let her go and let her be happy. so i no i don’t go back, i pray all turns out for best and God Bless Them.
✨🕯️🐦🔥💫✨ thank you. so helpful. 🫶🏼🪷✨
All of this rings true, like Kim is talking to me directly. It is very difficult to listen to as it triggers all this deep-seated pain.
Awesome content. Thanks from South Africa
🥹 Everytime I watch a video that highlights the dysfunction in my psychology based on my childhood and current experiences, I get teary eyed.
This is so accurate 🙏🏾🥹
It’s therapeutic feeling like someone understands. And to hear someone put everything you feel into words
@@Meggaaaaayes! 🙏🏾
I have 3 boys and my coteacher has 2 girls and we have learned that both have their ups and downs lol
Thank you Kim! Thank you so very much! This resonates.
Very helpful!
It’s so interesting to hear about the link to autoimmune diseases. I have type one diabetes, endometriosis, chronic autoimmune urticaria, IBS, NCGS and PMDD!
Woi my God, take me where there is love and happiness
wow, this really hits home...
Thankyou Doctor Kim, for this Vlog. As per feedback by some of my Good and Educated social Group I have always been Liked Appreciated of my Behavioral Patterns which includes more of Self Silencing and Self Sabotage. However I want to know
A. What if I am amongst those who hate Self Silencing and
B. How do I tackle and overcome the Threatening behaviour of such community who hate Self Silencing and if I have to be amongst such community who make fun of my Self Silencing
C. Just for your Information I am affected by PMDD after I was treated for Psychosis.
I’m 44 and am only now just learning to ask myself who I really am. I have been things but they mostly were to suit everyone else’s needs. When asking myself what I want & what I want out of life I realized I don’t even know. I feel what I want but I don’t know how to even begin to know what to say. I don’t know what I like. You spend a lifetime doing everything for someone else & they never are happy. I say I’m done. No one ever asked me what I wanted to be , what I wanted to do or what I liked. I only now am understanding this is not normal. These parents have children thinking they are there to serve and wait on THEIR needs. To cater to THEM. To be their emotional dumping ground. Never checking in on you to see how you’re handling the job of being an emotional caregiver as well as taking care of your own health & safety as a CHILD. What in the world are these adults thinking ruining these children’s lives & causing them a lifetime of suffering & pain both physically & mentally.
The Song in the beginning is “ Mystica” by Gato Barbieri. Released in 1997. Bee 🐝 sure to credit him in all of your videos.
Dear Dr. Kim. It's been a while since you last uploaded a video. I was thinking about you. I hope you are well. 😊
You lost me as soon as you said "it doesn't mean if you're not identifying as a woman that you're not having this dynamic." Lmao
Why?
@mulonzee8773 not at all. I'm disgusted with these comments about "identifying".
cue the monologue from gone girl
Maybe, though men are discouraged from being vulnerable…. Me: feeling like nobody would understand anyway…
@@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD33I blame nobody but the society we all grow up in.
This is context, not an excuse, but I think women too often are afraid when men are emotionally vulnerable. Again, women need to learn how to sit with that, but I do believe it’s part of it. I’ll use a metaphor of sorts-I’m a terrible flyer. Ever since 9/11, I’m a hot mess on a plane. So how do I get through it? I look for the business class ppl. The ones who fly all the time. If they’re ok, then I’m ok. If they look nervous, however, then I think something is wrong too. Women, whether they admit it or not, look to men to know if the plane is going to stay in the air, or if she needs to start freaking out in a way that will help absolutely no one, LOL. So when men are vulnerable, it’s scary. I can’t stress this enough-the pressure on men to keep their stuff to themselves, bear it all with stoicism, and to not expect anyone to help if they need it, is awful. I hate it. Men are just as deserving of love and support as anyone else. Of COURSE. Women just have to learn how to keep their fear in check, and then we have to learn HOW to support men. When my husband is depressed, hugging him and telling him I love him is fine and all, but what he needs from me more than that is to be reminded he has the power to effect the world around him, and that I have faith in his ability to do that. It took me a long time to learn that he doesn’t want me to support him the same way I want to he supported, but once I did learn that, things got better for both of us.
Idk if any of what I said is helpful at all, I just hate to see how today’s “climate” is demoralizing so many men.
@@luvqraft6024 *the patriarchy
This is so Deep 🙏
Dr Kim, I have tried and tried to figure out a way to not do elderly Parents laundry. Eggshell deal. I wait a few weeks between so as to avoid them. I don't know of anyone to hire. I'm healing well and don't want to go backwards. Plz advice. ......From an INFJ blk sheep LOL 😊
Their laundry is their responsibility. Just don't do it. They will have to solve their own problem: do their own laundry, go buy new clothes, or they will have to wear smelly dirty ones. This is coming from a formerly enmeshed, people pleasing INFJ too.
Most states and counties have agencies that support older Americans. Many supports are free for those with Medicaid and receiving social security. You could look into that. There are services available for light housework.
I feel you, I finally started telling my parents no, mainly my dad. He wants me to quit my career to move back in and be their servant, as I have been offered a promotion in another state. Each of my siblings had to basically run away to live their lives and here I am at almost 40 finally doing the same.
They are not your responsibility, they're adults and can take care of themselves.
Interesting video. That’s the problem with the society that’s been handed to us, allot of fake masks being used as it became the required norm some time ago. We all do what we can to recover and this video helps allot.
A further idea could be to have a musical soundtrack playing in the background during the dialogue. There are plenty of non copyright instrumentals that can be looked at.
When you see it, it gives you a huge amount of power because seeing it makes it possible to change the pattern . Thank you for this video, Kim ❤
I love that wallpaper!
Women have a double “X” (instead of a shortened one) for their extraordinary senses.
So much of this video describes me. I deal with severe anxiety and insomnia. I need to learn how to self silence. I deal with an autistic son and a bossy, moody son. I certainly have had a trying childhood too.
It's important as you have noted that culture and societal expectations impact hugely health. Sadly many do not see the link in this day and age.
You're gorgeous
❤😊
Wow hit home really hard thankyou for sharing helped me heaps thank you 😊❤
Same not because i stayed married. My mother is close to 80 and is very bitter about it.
Thank you for putting the music link on here. ❤
Awesome!
Hi, every single word was appropriate to me. 😢