I hate this culture of forgiveness porn we’re in. It’s only another way to blame the victim and dismiss thier experience. you do NOT need to forgive to heal, be at peace, or move forward. It does NOT mean you’re bitter or unhealthy. Forgiveness porn is touted as ‘taking the high ground’ and somehow ‘enlightened’ and something ‘you Must do’ If you perceive an assault on yourself and your body as too wrong to forgive, you are being “small-minded” ESPECIALLY if you are a woman. This attitude ignores that the choice NOT to forgive can come from a place of strength. It can represent a legitimate response to an offender’s continuing actions and place in society. Some mental health professionals and religious leaders consider forgiveness the holy grail of healing. Regardless of the depth of harm or the repentance of the offender, forgiveness is a therapeutic or spiritual objective. Any discomfort or negative emotions surrounding the inflicted harm is assumed to be related to a metaphysical bond between the offender and the survivor. “Don’t let someone rent space in your head” is the incentive given to forgive. The virtue of forgiveness has incentivized survivors of harm to wear it as a badge of honor sometimes. “I’ve forgiven the person who hurt me” is sometimes a spiritual pledge or an emotional emblem. Survivors deserve to be understood, not mandated by harmful norms of forgiveness. Often, peace is found within the status of unforgiveness. The condition of unforgiveness creates enough distance from the violator to process the pain.
Yes! Not to mention it is perfectly possible to not forgive someone and move on with your life. Bitterness and anger are things you can totally let go of and still not want to forgive the person who hurt you. They’re not mutually exclusive.
The phrase "Forgive and forget" doesn't even make sense: if something has happened to you, it's in your memory and physically impossible to forget. What you can do is come to terms with it and, as you say, move on. Not an easy thing to do, especially if the other person isn't trying to apologise and change their behaviour. Memory keeps bringing up the hurt and it takes a lot of effort and time to bring it to a place where it doesn't have power over you anymore.
@@notroomy The first step is to find someone safe to talk it over with. Maybe one of the people in the video description, or a counsellor in your local area.
Sometimes it's just not possible to have the closure you want (for example the apologies and change of behavior from the other person) and you have to move on accepting that it is what it is. It is hard but ultimately good for your own peace.
That’s so true, especially when the other party doesn’t think it’s wrong and even feels good about it. Letting them go out of your life seems to be the only choice yet it’s so hard to do when you were so close before
GREAT observation: Forgiveness often means something you're going to have to do over and over again - every time the thoughts and memories come back up. Omg. That alone is so true and so useful to know and remember.
Can we also talk about how acting in frustration makes you miss things? Like I have had ADHD FOR YEARS. And instead of seeing "hey my kid forgets her homework every day, maybe there's an issue there" my mom looked at that and saw "my kid is lying, no one forgets that often, aaaaargh." Which lead to me developing anxiety as a way to cover the ADHD, which only went away when I moved in with my wife and my anxiety immediately lessened, which let the ADHD out of the box it had been trapped in. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until right now, this year, because my mom just didn't see that I had a genuine focus issue, and I believed her. To be fair, it's not really my mom's fault entirely. My mom had a lot of her own stuff to deal with at that time, and a lot of it was genuine hard shit. And she has, especially in these last few years, worked really hard to make amends for the things that she didn't hit the mark on. My mom is a pretty good mom, and even she fell prey to this is basically what I'm trying to say.
I’m curious if you could do a video on how to have open conversations in a relationship about needs and how to express that action is required to build trust in a relationship (not just words), when one person doesn’t have much self awareness of their actions and behaviours
I'd love that too. It could even help with friendships where one friend is very sensitive and another lacks self awarenes, ending up on hurting the sensitive person and then being flabbergasted unable to grasp what just happened. I in this case sit nearby and kind of saw it coming but didn't know what to do.
This! Sometimes it feels like gaslighting. During conversations things come up and you hear I didn't say that. Yeah, I was there, I heard it. What do you do when a partner or friend doesn't have accountability?
About the unconditional love in children, I've always had a bit of a problem with accepting it. I thought my parents (and the rest of the family) are just good people because they love their child, whoever it is. That's what a good parent should feel. It doesn't say anything about me. It doesn't matter who I am, whether I'm good or bad or whatever. I don't think I've ever felt I deserve their love. That's why I always looked for acceptance outside of my family. Well mix that with school bullying and you get younger me, a girl who thought no one could love her, except relatives who do it out of duty. I must say it was a big step forward to realise that.
Yeah, there are so many sides to the coin of "love is unconditional"... I don't quite like how this card is usually played. I actually think love SHOULD be conditional, because loving someone who, more often than not, hurts you (as in abusive relationships) is not a good thing. And that can be a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a family member, a partner, really anyone you have a relationship with. It's not healthy, it doesn't bring anything good for you other than the feeling of being morally superior to them and if you are religious, maybe the promise of an eternity in heaven, and I'm stretching the meaning of "good" when I say these are good things, because I don't really think they are... So, in my opinion, learning that, no matter what you do, you will still be loved can also translate to: I can do whatever I feel like and, even if I face some consequences, I will still be loved. While the reality is: if someone constantly hurts you, you have no obligation to still love them just because they're your child, parent or whatever else. Of course I'm not talking about a child who spills milk on the floor or gets mud on the carpet. I'm definitely not talking about 5 year-olds or under, I'm talking about a child who makes bad choices and needs to learn to be accountable for their actions, and that one of the consequences of their actions is the possibility of damaging a relationship that is dear to them. Because it IS a possibility.
@@raquelmarcalsantos well it's not like you can turn love off if you would/could stop loving someone after they're bad it's not really love(unless if they turn out to not be the person you loved to begin with or literally murder someone). You can lose respect, trust, and set boundaries with people who abuse you and you should. You can cutoff a relationship that's bad for you but if you stop loving them it makes me doubt you loved them to begin with. It's even more true with family.
@@plagueknight8026 I think I made my point pretty clear. I don’t agree with any of that, and I don’t think love is eternal. It’s an emotion, it comes and goes just like any other emotion. And just like any other emotion, it is conditional; it depends on what happens to us and on what we believe to be true and right. This idea of love being eternal and unconditional is a Christian belief and since I’m not Christian, I simply don’t have to accept it as truth. 🤷🏻♀️ I have loved people in the past who nowadays mean very little to me because they’re not in my life anymore, because we grew apart or because they’ve hurt me beyond my limits, including family members. I am under no obligation to love them simply because we share genetics. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love them before, it simply means I stopped loving someone because they kept hurting me. It’s not a hard concept to grasp. I didn’t “turn it off”, it happened as a consequence of their actions and my beliefs of what is right and just.
@@raquelmarcalsantos If someone's not in your life anymore for a very long time, or they turn into a completely different person/they were never the person you thought I can see how you'd stop loving them. It's not that I think anyone is entitled to your love or that you have to keep loving them I just know love my mom and there's nothing she could possibly do to change that. I love my best friend who I cut contact with because the relationship was unhealthy and just because she hurt me really bad and I can't have a relationship with her doesn't mean I stopped loving her. I'm not Christian either it's just how I've experienced love throughout my life and I know a lot of people who experience it the same way. Have you really not loved someone to the degree that no matter what they did you'd still love them? Not necessarily have a relationship or forgive them but you'd still love them? I thought most people felt love the same way and that's why you'll grieve over a parent who was only awful to you or stay with someone who's abusive(outside of the fear for safety).
@@plagueknight8026 of course that has happened to me, and yes, that’s why people stay in abusive relationships, I completely agree. What I don’t agree with is this idea that it’s a given that no matter what someone does, you’ll still love them, because it just puts blame and pressure and an obligation of love into people who have no business loving other people who hurt them. I love my family deeply, but I am also fully aware that I love them because, for all their flaws, they did and do their best to respect me and my wishes and try to do right by me. I can’t say that there’s NOTHING my mom would do that would make me stop loving her, because I don’t know that. I don’t BELIEVE she would ever do something like that because I’ve lived for 30 years with her as my mom and she’s done an amazing job. But I know people for whom their parents and children have been awful, and they are judged when they say they don’t love their family because they were hurt by them. They used to love them, when they were young, and it hurt them deeply and now they know better, and it might have hurt in the beginning, but no relationship is irreplaceable. You love your family because you stay a long time with them and they make you happy. If they didn’t, trust me, you wouldn’t love them. And you can build the same love with other people, you can have the exact same bond. This “unconditional” bond between parents and children wasn’t even a reality a few hundred years ago. Until very recently in history, children were made for labor or marriage (to climb the social ladder up). They were a commodity, not an object of love or even affection. They were raised by servants and only stayed with their parents for social events. Not to mention the fact that if love for your birth family was unconditional and eternal, adoption would be very problematic, because children who were placed in the foster system would love their birth parents forever no matter how badly they treated them and their adoptive family would never be able to be their “real” parents, and that is absolutely not true.
One of my favorite things about this channel is if they’re not looking at the camera they looking at one another. That is so beautiful to me, and just warms my heart 🥹🥹
The big problem I find with 'forgive and forget' is that the advice (in my experience) generally comes from someone who doesn't recognize that the problem is ongoing. How can one just 'let go' of a trauma you still have to defend yourself from? That would be like condoning it, accepting it, becoming party to it because it would never have been corrected before it was ignored and allowed to continue. (Which is what, ultimately, the advice-giver is unknowingly asking for.) That's not okay. Forgive and forget is excellent advice when it comes to letting go of the past that haunts you or another. But very poor for correcting things that need to be stood up for in the now.
So, while the goal of a parent should be to react to negative situations as non-reactively as possible to avoid having the child feel unsafe and unloved, if when you do react, you can at least immediately - immediately - follow up with an explanation and apology for any of your bad behavior, and validation of love and discussion of consequences for a child's bad behavior: "I'm sorry i yelled, that was not the right thing to do. I love you and we're going to talk about wiping our feet, and cleaning up when you bring in mud." Just that first sentence can change so much of the relationship and a child developing an unrealistic view of themselves. But for some reason it's the hardest thing for some parents to do.
This was really useful. About ten years ago my first long term relationship had the same dynamics you describe for your marriage (me wanting to be accomplished, my partner struggling with shame of being judged and letting people down, withdrawing and not doing stuff he said he would or being honest about his needs). It's long ago, but really good to hear a man speak about dealing with the same things and how you could potentially handle that as partners.
I know I screw up plenty as a parent, but there is one thing I am proud that I have always done. Whenever I get upset with my children, or need to discipline then, I tell them that I love them. Usually it's them crying in time out, and I kiss their head and tell them, "I always love you. Even when I'm upset with you, or when you make bad decisions, I love you." Then they have their time out, or still have their toy taken out (toy time out). Doing it regularly makes it easy to say, even when I've lost my temper they know I still love them.
Mended Light: it sounds like this could use a part 2 video. Jonathan and Alicia seemed to have more to say but not enough time. I'd also like to hear how they overcame the things they just touch on here. I'd also like to hear how Jonathan changed his work style and how he did things - a lot of people struggle at work and don't know how to make the transition of how to be more productive by (weirdly) actually doing less, focusing on different things, delegating, etc, etc., etc. That can be a hugely difficult thing to do or even know how to go about doing and he just barely alluded to it.
This video cut deep for me because what Johnathan said is very true for myself. I desperately feel the need to be accepted, and aside from my parents I don't think I've ever really felt that before. At the same time, I refuse to compromise on my standards to get that acceptance, which leads me to being isolated. It's a viscious cycle, and I would really love some advice relating to either overcoming or coping with my intense need to be wanted and accepted when there's noone accept my parents who will help me fill that need.
I feel like I could have said this on many different videos, but I'm going to choose this one to say it. The fact that someone goes on RUclips to talk about things and mentions the fact that they have been and still are flawed in many ways is both brave and important. Not a lot of us want to admit our faults, especially in a public setting, but nobody is perfect. The more we can see people that we might look up to being not perfect, the more I feel like we can improve ourselves. So thank you very much for pointing out your where you need improvement and things that you have been working on yourself, because we all have things that we could work on and seeing people able to admit it, helps us be able to admit it.
"You can't do what you don't understand" that is such a great observation and really explains a lot about why a certain someone in my life is the way they are. I think it's important to be aware of the other person's insecurities, needs, and past experiences. That information enables you to better understand their behavior and to change your own so that you can love them in the way that they need. Obviously that needs to be a two way street. Relationships are all about communication.
My ex used to say that to me all the time. He still thinks that I hate him for all the things he did to me. I don't hate him. I'm working on forgiving him. However, I have set very strict boundaries and once our youngest turns 18, I will never speak to him again. However, I will not forget what he did. I just get to not be angry and bitter over it. I get to have peace within my own heart and soul.
Our marriage counselor kept saying that I should treat my husbands experience the same as my experience/knowledge with children and autism. He has two younger brothers, that's it. He never babysat, no young cousins, no autism in his family. While I too have two younger brothers, I also have worked as an au-pair, nanny and temp in daycare as well as I've studied psychology at UNI, including developmental psychology. Both my brothers are autistic, half of my family is autistic/adhd. So yeah, my husband's say so is more important than mine. She also said that if I want stuff done, I should do it my self = 50's housewife mentality. Basically she implied that I should just submit to my husband and let him do what he wants. We filed for divorce.
You hit the nail on the head ( The Best Apology Is Changed Behaviour ). And if ya only acknowledge your behaviour by way of saying " It's just the way I am " instead of a simple apology, that's worse.
I never want to forget - In that I need to learn from the experience and know and remember what I would do differently if I were to encounter something similar again. Or how I would prevent something similar from happening again. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me sort of thing.
I am the first to comment. Great video and this is indeed a line I wouldn't expect from a therapist. Unbelievable how much it's not me, I am a champion in holding grudges. And that's a bad thing I know, but if I could have done differently I would have. Same with my PTSD. One of the therapist I tried told me: "So just deal with it." When I told her about all I am going thru. I don't think it's a good line to say. I know it's not the subject but I just wanted to share, because these words infuriated me so much, I got out of her room, slammed the door and never came back. Because if I could have to "Just deal with it" I wouldn't have come to a therapist at all.
14:35 oof i learned that the hard way. Im not going to go into full details, but lets just say for a long time my mentality was “if i do that, then they will stay and love me”. I wasnt getting real love at home, and barely imitation love, so i tried that to fill the love i was missing
I really appreciate you bringing up learning things in social dynamics like elementary and middle school because that also seems to be the case with me. I don't remember my parents teaching me any negative attachment styles or not being there, unloving, emotionally detached or anything. However similar to you I was more bullied in my younger years and it definitely affected how I interact with people and some of the attachment styles I developed and fears around people I developed. Luckly stuff that therapy has helped me work through a lot. ❤️ But I really appreciate that being brought up.
Thank you so much. I don’t have internet very often this past year, until we can get back to Utah, but what I have seen you two do, touches my heart so deeply. Thank you for FREELY sharing your unconditional love and expertise with us. This is such an important part of salvation of individual souls and marriages to gleen some of the knowledge and wisdom and love and understanding you have. I really needed this video today for my marriage. I can’t wait to hear more. I have not trusted the few counselors I have been to, but you two seem to know how to REALLY help... knowledge does give us the ultimate pet to set us free. I have felt since I met you two that I would totally go to you in a heartbeat for help, which we might in the future, because you would help us understand the way
Seeing you guys talk about the dynamics of that struggle, when opening your practice, made me think so much of my own relationship, we've had some of those moments of imitation love, never even realized what it was, I'll deifnitely learn more on the topic
This right here was roughly....95% of the arguments we have in my marriage. It's why I'm working my tail off to change my behaviors (which is so very hard.. because your brain reinforces behaviors and habits, and willingly forgoing that reinforcement takes ALOT of effort). I finally decided to try anger management counseling instead of general anxiety this time with my EAP (I hate having to click only one box when a combination of multiple issues is always the most accurate accessment). After 2 sessions my therapist basically told me that she's pretty sure I need to see a psychiatrist because she's pretty sure I have ADD and maybe IED (not the first person to tell me this, but it's also really hard where I live to see any mental health professionals right now without a referral or EAP), but that chances are with medication and continued therapy It would probably get far better for me. I can say that the 5 sessions I've had with her have helped immeasurably, and once I finally get in with the psychiatrist I'm hoping that will make it even moreso.
Mended Light: this was useful. So thank you for that. And thanks for sharing everything that you guys do. However, one of these times, can we hear something / can Jonathan and Alicia share something/s she's done or had about her that she needed to face, understand and change to help their relationship? I really appreciate everything Jonathan has shared but it's starting to feel a little unfair in that so many changes and efforts in their relationship and business sound like they needed to be done from/by him. Now if that's simply how it was and there just weren't as many things Alicia had to change as well - I mean it's not like that's going to be an even numbered or even fair thing to compare I suppose - but I would just really like to hear some of what Alicia had to do and change and work on about herself too. Jonathan's shared so much and a lot of it (although necessary and good that he looked at, understood and changed things), a lot of the stories of his past just sound so unfortunately sad. I mean we all really like and value Jonathan for the kind of person he is, definitely the expertise he has, for his contribution to the channel, etc, but he especially just doesn't seem to have deserved a lot of the social pain and sadness he experienced as a kid and in his relationships. So it gets sad to hear more stuff he had to overcome I guess. But maybe that should be sounding inspirational to me instead and I should reframe it. As I think back to what bothered me about this video, I think how the heck did they overcome the issues they're talking about? I mean if I were Alicia's spouse, and I felt she thought she could and was performing all her duties and responsibilities perfectly or at least good enough and I felt I wasn't and couldn't and felt she felt the same (even though it was working hard and felt like I was trying my best), I can see how I would definitely feel undervalued, unappreciated, misunderstood, angry, resentful, and quite honestly, mismatched. Or desiring to be single and unable to make a relationship work and or enough for one so looking at being single for life I guess. I worked with someone once who was very productive and trustworthy when it came to the work but who also thought she was perfect and everyone else was dirt (and this was among other hard workers) and she had a real superiority complex that made her a real pain to work with. She was always looking for faults with people and reporting them to the supervising manager who's ear she had cuz she was so trustworthy with the work. My meetings with the manager would always start with "Agnes said you xyz...". And it would've been the first I'd heard of or was even aware of whatever "Agnes's" issue was. It would've been maddening if it hadn't been so stupid and if I didn't at least eventually get to say my side and get to be understood at least to the manager. I mean it was over things like my need to write a to do list for myself for the next day 5-10 minutes before I left work the day before. Because Agnes didn't need to do this, it was something to complain about and report even though it never disrupted or burdened anything or involved her. Also, I've learned communication and conflict resolution skills since then and know what would've been needed if I were to experience those types of dynamics again. But I felt some potentially familiar vibes like that coming from Jonathan's story of Alicia as a wife and business partner o guess. I'd like to know how the heck that didn't end their marriage.
Thank you for sharing Johnathan! I have a lot of those same insecurities and the same bad way of trying to deal with them. I always thought I was lying to avoid conflict, even if it didn't always last, but giving it real, in depth thought I'm seeing a new part of myself. Would you be willing to share more of how you got from insecurity/dishonesty, to being able to have secure relationships?
To me it feels like Jonathan is taking full responsibility for his past actions in an integrated and vulnerably way. In this and other videos I experience it so relaxing and easy to listen to him, I can always feel he is congruent, like what he says matches him on Every level. Alicia on the other, while saying a lot of good stuff, on paper, and delivering great content, and also in words owning her stuff of how she co-created that situation etc, I don't feel the same congruence or integration with it. There's something sharp in the energy that kind of ''hurts my ears'' even though it is not the sound. Like something not owned or integrated, like it's from the head but not really the heart. I can see how that subliminal sharpness would make it daunting to be honest and stable in ones own energy around that. I can see how that vibe is not creating and inviting a man, or woman, to feel safe and share vulnerable. It takes more than just Saying ''I want you to be honest'' to actually create the space for that... I feel that there's a gap in this story when not discussing that part also but only Jonathans avoidance in that past memory. It is always a co-creation. But one part of the co-creation is invisible in this talk.
I've found that the biggest obstacle to healthy relationships with relatives is the way a lot of them tend to use this kind of reasoning to dismiss harm that they caused when an important and necessary part of moving on from those things requires some assurance that they understand and acknowledge that harm happened, that it was wrong and that they've learned/are learning how to prevent similar problems in the future. It's especially frustrating when a lot of the time those things were left unaddressed for years because of the general dismissiveness people often have for what children get upset about and when it feels like your thoughts and feelings still aren't being valued now that you're an adult and capable of demanding acknowledgement in a way you couldn't at the time.
okay so I'm going talk about you other channel for a minute, cinema therapy. You know the one you did one robin williams movie as a therapist? I had a therapist just like that, he really cared about me, we did a lot of good work together, he showed me that I had value, and that my family of origin did not have to dictate where my life went!! Thanks for the video!!
The thing I always say when people from my friendship circle say that I should forgive and talk properly to my (emotionally abusive) ex is that: I worked really hard for all this anger. And while he keeps pursuing me and my friendship and the ways that I served him, this anger is staying with me. I know it's not quite healthy, but honestly this anger has been protecting me and my feelings for months.
Would y'all say that you could forgive someone and keep the relationship and move forward, but still on occasion feel that anger or sadness from the betrayal? I want to say that I have forgiven them, but sometimes I still feel really hurt by what happened. I know some say that you haven't truly forgiven if you still feel anger or other negative emotions.
I’d say forgiving is an ongoing process. It may never end. It’s a choice you make every day and you both have to deal with the consequences of whatever betrayal/disappointment happened and with the consequences of choosing to keep the relationship.
You can completely still have strong feelings about a hurt, and have forgiven them. I have forgiven a person who hurt me. I still get upset about the pain, but I have forgiven.
Thank you for this. Love in my household was very conditional when growing up so hearing this really gave me the words to say what I've wanted to say to my partner for a long time.
Suddenly, some of my own bad behaviors make sense. I'm gonna bring the imitation love point up to my therapist next time I see her. I think it might help.
Thank you! Mother of 11 & 6 yr old kids. I was raised by monsters so I am doing all this for the first time. Cutting it from new cloth with my kids is exhausting but I am doing a great job. My new family of four is great! Thank you for the pointers! I tell her I love her I just don't like the behavior, example hitting her brother.
4:56 what about those families who have not loved their children? What about those parents who decided not to try. That they already dont love their kids & its game over from the beginning?
I think I understand things a little differently. For me there should be no "forgetting". If there is an action or something that needs to be forgiven and and EVERYTHING surrounding it is forgotten, then the same action is more than likely to occur again in the same situation. You need to remember and have good communication so if the situation arises again, you can talk and avoid repeating the action. Forgiving someone, remembering, and being open to conversations, is not the same as forgiving someone then bringing up the action to make an argument or to 'rub their face in it'.
I’m of the same opinion. How can someone learn from a bad behavior or choice if they are so quick to just forget EVERYTHING surrounding the situation? Forgiveness isn’t immediate either.
My mimic love is acceptance too. As I was bullied as a child. But also akomplishments (my english spelling such - danish keyboard) and apperance. My granddad was allways saying I ate too much and would get fat and with a fatshaming dad, I am so ashamed to point out if people are too fat, as I am afraid they would feel unloved. Akkomplichments because in my dads family we are four cousins born the same year, so grandma compare us like my granddad my dad and his brothers. She does it less the last ten years though
Forgive? Yes. Don't hang onto a list of grievances? Yes. But forget? No! Voluntarily forgetting means giving up everything you've learned from the experence, and to do that is to *choose* stupidity.
It would have been a more healthy example about their personal problems if the wife took more ownership of her actions forcing Jono into a lifestyle he didnt want instead of just saying "well it was good for you so I'm okay" while Jono apologizes for his own failure to keep up with her imposed expectations. If the genders were swapped, I think people would have problems with a husband saying "WE are going to start a business whether you like it or not" and the husband yelling at his wife with the wife apologizing over and over again for not being good at it. I'm glad you two can talk calmly about it, but wonder if you two really worked it out yourselves in order to send the right message out.
I rarely / maybe never see Alicia take responsibility for anything. Her, she basically bullied her husband into starting a practise, and not a word on "I should have listened to you".
I find myself watching this through the lens of neurodiversity and am very curious about the role this might be playing in the issues between Jonathan and Alicia in running their business. Jonathan has said that he has ADHD, which I also have, and one of my biggest struggles within this diagnosis is difficulty with executive functioning. I've run my own business for many years, but it's as successful as it is despite my business skills, not because of them. I wonder if some of his difficulties might be related to this. Of course, I could be way off base, but I'm just very curious about it. I get the impression that Alicia is neurotypical and therefore might have strengths that are more suited to the business side of things. Am I onto something or totally off-base? I think both of you are awesome, and I appreciate and enjoy your wonderful content!
How can you forget that your husband was naked with another woman, or the Wife was naked with another man ! These images in your head will never go away and trust is completely gone
I love how creepy the guy is and how sweet the lady is on these preview photos Also I love that this guy talks about his wife so often that I remember her name but I forgot his
I know this is off topic so please forgive me, but I had a session with my therapist today where she asked me what I'm doing to make myself look attractive. I Isn't sure where to post this for a possible response with these videos. Contacts I was telling her that I feel that I am unattractive and as such unlovable.
it sounds to me like your therapist wants to know how you define "attractive" and what kind of work you are doing to meet that definition. It sounds like being attractive is something you consider important, so your therapist probably wants to get into what it means to YOU.
I have to say that you guys aren't very clear on what you mean with the idea of unconditional love, and I have no idea what the point of the argument was. True unconditional love would be love for everybody. Otherwise if your kid magically turned into someone else you wouldn't love them. I suppose by that definition pretty much no one gives or receives unconditional love. However I don't get how having unconditional love would magically fix our relationships with people. If a person does things that are moral wrong, hurtful, or not productive to their own needs that those behaviors need to be meet with something other than pure love. Kids can often times be incapable of understanding of the logic of why that is even if the love is there and they know that. As a result all these "coping mechanisms" and searches for "imitation love" can and will happen. Also like with Jonathon's example with his own struggles with shame, one example of unconditional isn't always going to be enough to cancel out the ugliness of the world.
I hate this culture of forgiveness porn we’re in. It’s only another way to blame the victim and dismiss thier experience. you do NOT need to forgive to heal, be at peace, or move forward. It does NOT mean you’re bitter or unhealthy.
Forgiveness porn is touted as ‘taking the high ground’ and somehow ‘enlightened’ and something ‘you Must do’
If you perceive an assault on yourself and your body as too wrong to forgive, you are being “small-minded” ESPECIALLY if you are a woman.
This attitude ignores that the choice NOT to forgive can come from a place of strength. It can represent a legitimate response to an offender’s continuing actions and place in society.
Some mental health professionals and religious leaders consider forgiveness the holy grail of healing. Regardless of the depth of harm or the repentance of the offender, forgiveness is a therapeutic or spiritual objective.
Any discomfort or negative emotions surrounding the inflicted harm is assumed to be related to a metaphysical bond between the offender and the survivor. “Don’t let someone rent space in your head” is the incentive given to forgive.
The virtue of forgiveness has incentivized survivors of harm to wear it as a badge of honor sometimes. “I’ve forgiven the person who hurt me” is sometimes a spiritual pledge or an emotional emblem.
Survivors deserve to be understood, not mandated by harmful norms of forgiveness.
Often, peace is found within the status of unforgiveness. The condition of unforgiveness creates enough distance from the violator to process the pain.
Thank you for this comment. I'm tired of "forgiveness porn" as well. It only seems to be aimed at women and non white men.
Yes! Not to mention it is perfectly possible to not forgive someone and move on with your life. Bitterness and anger are things you can totally let go of and still not want to forgive the person who hurt you. They’re not mutually exclusive.
I agree but uh why specifically for women??
@@raquelmarcalsantos Very good point and one that isn't mentioned enough.
@@plagueknight8026 because the example "if you perceive an assault on you or your body" happens mostly to women. because SA and harrassement and all.
The phrase "Forgive and forget" doesn't even make sense: if something has happened to you, it's in your memory and physically impossible to forget. What you can do is come to terms with it and, as you say, move on. Not an easy thing to do, especially if the other person isn't trying to apologise and change their behaviour. Memory keeps bringing up the hurt and it takes a lot of effort and time to bring it to a place where it doesn't have power over you anymore.
do you have any tips on how to not let it take over you?
@@notroomy The first step is to find someone safe to talk it over with. Maybe one of the people in the video description, or a counsellor in your local area.
Sometimes it's just not possible to have the closure you want (for example the apologies and change of behavior from the other person) and you have to move on accepting that it is what it is. It is hard but ultimately good for your own peace.
That’s so true, especially when the other party doesn’t think it’s wrong and even feels good about it. Letting them go out of your life seems to be the only choice yet it’s so hard to do when you were so close before
GREAT observation: Forgiveness often means something you're going to have to do over and over again - every time the thoughts and memories come back up. Omg. That alone is so true and so useful to know and remember.
Can we also talk about how acting in frustration makes you miss things?
Like I have had ADHD FOR YEARS. And instead of seeing "hey my kid forgets her homework every day, maybe there's an issue there" my mom looked at that and saw "my kid is lying, no one forgets that often, aaaaargh."
Which lead to me developing anxiety as a way to cover the ADHD, which only went away when I moved in with my wife and my anxiety immediately lessened, which let the ADHD out of the box it had been trapped in. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until right now, this year, because my mom just didn't see that I had a genuine focus issue, and I believed her.
To be fair, it's not really my mom's fault entirely. My mom had a lot of her own stuff to deal with at that time, and a lot of it was genuine hard shit. And she has, especially in these last few years, worked really hard to make amends for the things that she didn't hit the mark on. My mom is a pretty good mom, and even she fell prey to this is basically what I'm trying to say.
I’m curious if you could do a video on how to have open conversations in a relationship about needs and how to express that action is required to build trust in a relationship (not just words), when one person doesn’t have much self awareness of their actions and behaviours
If it doesn't exist already, I'd love to see this too!
I'd love that too. It could even help with friendships where one friend is very sensitive and another lacks self awarenes, ending up on hurting the sensitive person and then being flabbergasted unable to grasp what just happened. I in this case sit nearby and kind of saw it coming but didn't know what to do.
easy. step 1) leave. step 2) find an actual partner.
This! Sometimes it feels like gaslighting. During conversations things come up and you hear I didn't say that. Yeah, I was there, I heard it. What do you do when a partner or friend doesn't have accountability?
has this been made yet? Because I also REALLY want this video
One of the things I love the most about these mended light videos, is how they focus on talking to each other vs focusing on the camera
About the unconditional love in children, I've always had a bit of a problem with accepting it. I thought my parents (and the rest of the family) are just good people because they love their child, whoever it is. That's what a good parent should feel. It doesn't say anything about me. It doesn't matter who I am, whether I'm good or bad or whatever. I don't think I've ever felt I deserve their love. That's why I always looked for acceptance outside of my family. Well mix that with school bullying and you get younger me, a girl who thought no one could love her, except relatives who do it out of duty. I must say it was a big step forward to realise that.
Yeah, there are so many sides to the coin of "love is unconditional"... I don't quite like how this card is usually played. I actually think love SHOULD be conditional, because loving someone who, more often than not, hurts you (as in abusive relationships) is not a good thing. And that can be a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a family member, a partner, really anyone you have a relationship with. It's not healthy, it doesn't bring anything good for you other than the feeling of being morally superior to them and if you are religious, maybe the promise of an eternity in heaven, and I'm stretching the meaning of "good" when I say these are good things, because I don't really think they are...
So, in my opinion, learning that, no matter what you do, you will still be loved can also translate to: I can do whatever I feel like and, even if I face some consequences, I will still be loved. While the reality is: if someone constantly hurts you, you have no obligation to still love them just because they're your child, parent or whatever else.
Of course I'm not talking about a child who spills milk on the floor or gets mud on the carpet. I'm definitely not talking about 5 year-olds or under, I'm talking about a child who makes bad choices and needs to learn to be accountable for their actions, and that one of the consequences of their actions is the possibility of damaging a relationship that is dear to them. Because it IS a possibility.
@@raquelmarcalsantos well it's not like you can turn love off if you would/could stop loving someone after they're bad it's not really love(unless if they turn out to not be the person you loved to begin with or literally murder someone). You can lose respect, trust, and set boundaries with people who abuse you and you should. You can cutoff a relationship that's bad for you but if you stop loving them it makes me doubt you loved them to begin with. It's even more true with family.
@@plagueknight8026 I think I made my point pretty clear. I don’t agree with any of that, and I don’t think love is eternal. It’s an emotion, it comes and goes just like any other emotion. And just like any other emotion, it is conditional; it depends on what happens to us and on what we believe to be true and right. This idea of love being eternal and unconditional is a Christian belief and since I’m not Christian, I simply don’t have to accept it as truth. 🤷🏻♀️
I have loved people in the past who nowadays mean very little to me because they’re not in my life anymore, because we grew apart or because they’ve hurt me beyond my limits, including family members. I am under no obligation to love them simply because we share genetics. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love them before, it simply means I stopped loving someone because they kept hurting me. It’s not a hard concept to grasp. I didn’t “turn it off”, it happened as a consequence of their actions and my beliefs of what is right and just.
@@raquelmarcalsantos If someone's not in your life anymore for a very long time, or they turn into a completely different person/they were never the person you thought I can see how you'd stop loving them. It's not that I think anyone is entitled to your love or that you have to keep loving them I just know love my mom and there's nothing she could possibly do to change that. I love my best friend who I cut contact with because the relationship was unhealthy and just because she hurt me really bad and I can't have a relationship with her doesn't mean I stopped loving her.
I'm not Christian either it's just how I've experienced love throughout my life and I know a lot of people who experience it the same way. Have you really not loved someone to the degree that no matter what they did you'd still love them? Not necessarily have a relationship or forgive them but you'd still love them? I thought most people felt love the same way and that's why you'll grieve over a parent who was only awful to you or stay with someone who's abusive(outside of the fear for safety).
@@plagueknight8026 of course that has happened to me, and yes, that’s why people stay in abusive relationships, I completely agree. What I don’t agree with is this idea that it’s a given that no matter what someone does, you’ll still love them, because it just puts blame and pressure and an obligation of love into people who have no business loving other people who hurt them.
I love my family deeply, but I am also fully aware that I love them because, for all their flaws, they did and do their best to respect me and my wishes and try to do right by me. I can’t say that there’s NOTHING my mom would do that would make me stop loving her, because I don’t know that. I don’t BELIEVE she would ever do something like that because I’ve lived for 30 years with her as my mom and she’s done an amazing job. But I know people for whom their parents and children have been awful, and they are judged when they say they don’t love their family because they were hurt by them. They used to love them, when they were young, and it hurt them deeply and now they know better, and it might have hurt in the beginning, but no relationship is irreplaceable. You love your family because you stay a long time with them and they make you happy. If they didn’t, trust me, you wouldn’t love them. And you can build the same love with other people, you can have the exact same bond.
This “unconditional” bond between parents and children wasn’t even a reality a few hundred years ago. Until very recently in history, children were made for labor or marriage (to climb the social ladder up). They were a commodity, not an object of love or even affection. They were raised by servants and only stayed with their parents for social events.
Not to mention the fact that if love for your birth family was unconditional and eternal, adoption would be very problematic, because children who were placed in the foster system would love their birth parents forever no matter how badly they treated them and their adoptive family would never be able to be their “real” parents, and that is absolutely not true.
One of my favorite things about this channel is if they’re not looking at the camera they looking at one another. That is so beautiful to me, and just warms my heart 🥹🥹
The big problem I find with 'forgive and forget' is that the advice (in my experience) generally comes from someone who doesn't recognize that the problem is ongoing. How can one just 'let go' of a trauma you still have to defend yourself from? That would be like condoning it, accepting it, becoming party to it because it would never have been corrected before it was ignored and allowed to continue. (Which is what, ultimately, the advice-giver is unknowingly asking for.) That's not okay.
Forgive and forget is excellent advice when it comes to letting go of the past that haunts you or another. But very poor for correcting things that need to be stood up for in the now.
So, while the goal of a parent should be to react to negative situations as non-reactively as possible to avoid having the child feel unsafe and unloved, if when you do react, you can at least immediately - immediately - follow up with an explanation and apology for any of your bad behavior, and validation of love and discussion of consequences for a child's bad behavior:
"I'm sorry i yelled, that was not the right thing to do. I love you and we're going to talk about wiping our feet, and cleaning up when you bring in mud."
Just that first sentence can change so much of the relationship and a child developing an unrealistic view of themselves. But for some reason it's the hardest thing for some parents to do.
Some parents can not admit when they are wrong, they have no humility.
You two are such a cute couple and seem to have such a wholesome and healthy relationship.
“Forgiveness does not equal trust” 🤯 this video meant a lot for me, thank you for sharing!!
Children are not such simpletons, they do notice when the parents are stressed.
This was really useful. About ten years ago my first long term relationship had the same dynamics you describe for your marriage (me wanting to be accomplished, my partner struggling with shame of being judged and letting people down, withdrawing and not doing stuff he said he would or being honest about his needs). It's long ago, but really good to hear a man speak about dealing with the same things and how you could potentially handle that as partners.
I know I screw up plenty as a parent, but there is one thing I am proud that I have always done. Whenever I get upset with my children, or need to discipline then, I tell them that I love them. Usually it's them crying in time out, and I kiss their head and tell them, "I always love you. Even when I'm upset with you, or when you make bad decisions, I love you." Then they have their time out, or still have their toy taken out (toy time out). Doing it regularly makes it easy to say, even when I've lost my temper they know I still love them.
It's so helpful to hear you share your own issues around this, it feels less shameful for me to admit I have the same struggles. Thank you.
Mended Light: it sounds like this could use a part 2 video. Jonathan and Alicia seemed to have more to say but not enough time. I'd also like to hear how they overcame the things they just touch on here. I'd also like to hear how Jonathan changed his work style and how he did things - a lot of people struggle at work and don't know how to make the transition of how to be more productive by (weirdly) actually doing less, focusing on different things, delegating, etc, etc., etc. That can be a hugely difficult thing to do or even know how to go about doing and he just barely alluded to it.
Wow...this channel is so underrated
Thank you! Please tell your friends :)
This video cut deep for me because what Johnathan said is very true for myself. I desperately feel the need to be accepted, and aside from my parents I don't think I've ever really felt that before. At the same time, I refuse to compromise on my standards to get that acceptance, which leads me to being isolated. It's a viscious cycle, and I would really love some advice relating to either overcoming or coping with my intense need to be wanted and accepted when there's noone accept my parents who will help me fill that need.
I feel like I could have said this on many different videos, but I'm going to choose this one to say it. The fact that someone goes on RUclips to talk about things and mentions the fact that they have been and still are flawed in many ways is both brave and important. Not a lot of us want to admit our faults, especially in a public setting, but nobody is perfect. The more we can see people that we might look up to being not perfect, the more I feel like we can improve ourselves. So thank you very much for pointing out your where you need improvement and things that you have been working on yourself, because we all have things that we could work on and seeing people able to admit it, helps us be able to admit it.
you really have a safe word. We really should have a counter how many times you say right.
"You can't do what you don't understand" that is such a great observation and really explains a lot about why a certain someone in my life is the way they are. I think it's important to be aware of the other person's insecurities, needs, and past experiences. That information enables you to better understand their behavior and to change your own so that you can love them in the way that they need. Obviously that needs to be a two way street. Relationships are all about communication.
My ex used to say that to me all the time. He still thinks that I hate him for all the things he did to me. I don't hate him. I'm working on forgiving him. However, I have set very strict boundaries and once our youngest turns 18, I will never speak to him again. However, I will not forget what he did. I just get to not be angry and bitter over it. I get to have peace within my own heart and soul.
Several points in this video really hit home for me. I need to watch this a few more times and take notes...
You guys are amazing in your vulnerability.
Our marriage counselor kept saying that I should treat my husbands experience the same as my experience/knowledge with children and autism. He has two younger brothers, that's it. He never babysat, no young cousins, no autism in his family.
While I too have two younger brothers, I also have worked as an au-pair, nanny and temp in daycare as well as I've studied psychology at UNI, including developmental psychology. Both my brothers are autistic, half of my family is autistic/adhd. So yeah, my husband's say so is more important than mine.
She also said that if I want stuff done, I should do it my self = 50's housewife mentality.
Basically she implied that I should just submit to my husband and let him do what he wants.
We filed for divorce.
You hit the nail on the head ( The Best Apology Is Changed Behaviour ). And if ya only acknowledge your behaviour by way of saying " It's just the way I am " instead of a simple apology, that's worse.
I never want to forget - In that I need to learn from the experience and know and remember what I would do differently if I were to encounter something similar again. Or how I would prevent something similar from happening again. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me sort of thing.
I am the first to comment. Great video and this is indeed a line I wouldn't expect from a therapist. Unbelievable how much it's not me, I am a champion in holding grudges. And that's a bad thing I know, but if I could have done differently I would have. Same with my PTSD. One of the therapist I tried told me: "So just deal with it." When I told her about all I am going thru. I don't think it's a good line to say. I know it's not the subject but I just wanted to share, because these words infuriated me so much, I got out of her room, slammed the door and never came back. Because if I could have to "Just deal with it" I wouldn't have come to a therapist at all.
14:35 oof i learned that the hard way. Im not going to go into full details, but lets just say for a long time my mentality was “if i do that, then they will stay and love me”. I wasnt getting real love at home, and barely imitation love, so i tried that to fill the love i was missing
Really love listening to you both ❤️
I appreciate how honest you are
I really appreciate you bringing up learning things in social dynamics like elementary and middle school because that also seems to be the case with me. I don't remember my parents teaching me any negative attachment styles or not being there, unloving, emotionally detached or anything. However similar to you I was more bullied in my younger years and it definitely affected how I interact with people and some of the attachment styles I developed and fears around people I developed. Luckly stuff that therapy has helped me work through a lot. ❤️ But I really appreciate that being brought up.
Thank you so much. I don’t have internet very often this past year, until we can get back to Utah, but what I have seen you two do, touches my heart so deeply. Thank you for FREELY sharing your unconditional love and expertise with us. This is such an important part of salvation of individual souls and marriages to gleen some of the knowledge and wisdom and love and understanding you have. I really needed this video today for my marriage. I can’t wait to hear more.
I have not trusted the few counselors I have been to, but you two seem to know how to REALLY help... knowledge does give us the ultimate pet to set us free. I have felt since I met you two that I would totally go to you in a heartbeat for help, which we might in the future, because you would help us understand the way
Seeing you guys talk about the dynamics of that struggle, when opening your practice, made me think so much of my own relationship, we've had some of those moments of imitation love, never even realized what it was, I'll deifnitely learn more on the topic
This right here was roughly....95% of the arguments we have in my marriage. It's why I'm working my tail off to change my behaviors (which is so very hard.. because your brain reinforces behaviors and habits, and willingly forgoing that reinforcement takes ALOT of effort). I finally decided to try anger management counseling instead of general anxiety this time with my EAP (I hate having to click only one box when a combination of multiple issues is always the most accurate accessment). After 2 sessions my therapist basically told me that she's pretty sure I need to see a psychiatrist because she's pretty sure I have ADD and maybe IED (not the first person to tell me this, but it's also really hard where I live to see any mental health professionals right now without a referral or EAP), but that chances are with medication and continued therapy It would probably get far better for me. I can say that the 5 sessions I've had with her have helped immeasurably, and once I finally get in with the psychiatrist I'm hoping that will make it even moreso.
I love the self awareness. I hope you have since improved
Mended Light, now causing you daily ear worm.
*starts singing ‘Let It Go’* 😂 😂
I'm lucky.
I was loved unconditionally.
Mended Light: this was useful. So thank you for that. And thanks for sharing everything that you guys do. However, one of these times, can we hear something / can Jonathan and Alicia share something/s she's done or had about her that she needed to face, understand and change to help their relationship?
I really appreciate everything Jonathan has shared but it's starting to feel a little unfair in that so many changes and efforts in their relationship and business sound like they needed to be done from/by him.
Now if that's simply how it was and there just weren't as many things Alicia had to change as well - I mean it's not like that's going to be an even numbered or even fair thing to compare I suppose - but I would just really like to hear some of what Alicia had to do and change and work on about herself too.
Jonathan's shared so much and a lot of it (although necessary and good that he looked at, understood and changed things), a lot of the stories of his past just sound so unfortunately sad. I mean we all really like and value Jonathan for the kind of person he is, definitely the expertise he has, for his contribution to the channel, etc, but he especially just doesn't seem to have deserved a lot of the social pain and sadness he experienced as a kid and in his relationships. So it gets sad to hear more stuff he had to overcome I guess.
But maybe that should be sounding inspirational to me instead and I should reframe it.
As I think back to what bothered me about this video, I think how the heck did they overcome the issues they're talking about? I mean if I were Alicia's spouse, and I felt she thought she could and was performing all her duties and responsibilities perfectly or at least good enough and I felt I wasn't and couldn't and felt she felt the same (even though it was working hard and felt like I was trying my best), I can see how I would definitely feel undervalued, unappreciated, misunderstood, angry, resentful, and quite honestly, mismatched. Or desiring to be single and unable to make a relationship work and or enough for one so looking at being single for life I guess.
I worked with someone once who was very productive and trustworthy when it came to the work but who also thought she was perfect and everyone else was dirt (and this was among other hard workers) and she had a real superiority complex that made her a real pain to work with. She was always looking for faults with people and reporting them to the supervising manager who's ear she had cuz she was so trustworthy with the work. My meetings with the manager would always start with "Agnes said you xyz...". And it would've been the first I'd heard of or was even aware of whatever "Agnes's" issue was. It would've been maddening if it hadn't been so stupid and if I didn't at least eventually get to say my side and get to be understood at least to the manager. I mean it was over things like my need to write a to do list for myself for the next day 5-10 minutes before I left work the day before. Because Agnes didn't need to do this, it was something to complain about and report even though it never disrupted or burdened anything or involved her.
Also, I've learned communication and conflict resolution skills since then and know what would've been needed if I were to experience those types of dynamics again.
But I felt some potentially familiar vibes like that coming from Jonathan's story of Alicia as a wife and business partner o guess. I'd like to know how the heck that didn't end their marriage.
Thank you for sharing Johnathan! I have a lot of those same insecurities and the same bad way of trying to deal with them. I always thought I was lying to avoid conflict, even if it didn't always last, but giving it real, in depth thought I'm seeing a new part of myself.
Would you be willing to share more of how you got from insecurity/dishonesty, to being able to have secure relationships?
To me it feels like Jonathan is taking full responsibility for his past actions in an integrated and vulnerably way. In this and other videos I experience it so relaxing and easy to listen to him, I can always feel he is congruent, like what he says matches him on Every level. Alicia on the other, while saying a lot of good stuff, on paper, and delivering great content, and also in words owning her stuff of how she co-created that situation etc, I don't feel the same congruence or integration with it. There's something sharp in the energy that kind of ''hurts my ears'' even though it is not the sound. Like something not owned or integrated, like it's from the head but not really the heart. I can see how that subliminal sharpness would make it daunting to be honest and stable in ones own energy around that. I can see how that vibe is not creating and inviting a man, or woman, to feel safe and share vulnerable. It takes more than just Saying ''I want you to be honest'' to actually create the space for that... I feel that there's a gap in this story when not discussing that part also but only Jonathans avoidance in that past memory. It is always a co-creation. But one part of the co-creation is invisible in this talk.
Very perceptive!
I was needing this! Thank you!!!! Always on point. I love your work.
I've found that the biggest obstacle to healthy relationships with relatives is the way a lot of them tend to use this kind of reasoning to dismiss harm that they caused when an important and necessary part of moving on from those things requires some assurance that they understand and acknowledge that harm happened, that it was wrong and that they've learned/are learning how to prevent similar problems in the future. It's especially frustrating when a lot of the time those things were left unaddressed for years because of the general dismissiveness people often have for what children get upset about and when it feels like your thoughts and feelings still aren't being valued now that you're an adult and capable of demanding acknowledgement in a way you couldn't at the time.
I have to say, I can´t get over how cute couple you are 😍 it just makes my day
okay so I'm going talk about you other channel for a minute, cinema therapy. You know the one you did one robin williams movie as a therapist? I had a therapist just like that, he really cared about me, we did a lot of good work together, he showed me that I had value, and that my family of origin did not have to dictate where my life went!! Thanks for the video!!
That was me! So glad you got a therapist like that.
The thing I always say when people from my friendship circle say that I should forgive and talk properly to my (emotionally abusive) ex is that: I worked really hard for all this anger. And while he keeps pursuing me and my friendship and the ways that I served him, this anger is staying with me.
I know it's not quite healthy, but honestly this anger has been protecting me and my feelings for months.
Would y'all say that you could forgive someone and keep the relationship and move forward, but still on occasion feel that anger or sadness from the betrayal?
I want to say that I have forgiven them, but sometimes I still feel really hurt by what happened. I know some say that you haven't truly forgiven if you still feel anger or other negative emotions.
I’d say forgiving is an ongoing process. It may never end. It’s a choice you make every day and you both have to deal with the consequences of whatever betrayal/disappointment happened and with the consequences of choosing to keep the relationship.
You can completely still have strong feelings about a hurt, and have forgiven them. I have forgiven a person who hurt me. I still get upset about the pain, but I have forgiven.
Thank you for this. Love in my household was very conditional when growing up so hearing this really gave me the words to say what I've wanted to say to my partner for a long time.
OMG.....this should be so obvious, and yet.....wow. behaviors, actions are more important than words. Unconditional love and trust.
Suddenly, some of my own bad behaviors make sense. I'm gonna bring the imitation love point up to my therapist next time I see her. I think it might help.
You two are lovely. Thank you for this.
Thank you! Mother of 11 & 6 yr old kids. I was raised by monsters so I am doing all this for the first time. Cutting it from new cloth with my kids is exhausting but I am doing a great job. My new family of four is great! Thank you for the pointers! I tell her I love her I just don't like the behavior, example hitting her brother.
4:56 what about those families who have not loved their children? What about those parents who decided not to try. That they already dont love their kids & its game over from the beginning?
I can forgive, but I certainly don't forget.
I think I understand things a little differently. For me there should be no "forgetting". If there is an action or something that needs to be forgiven and and EVERYTHING surrounding it is forgotten, then the same action is more than likely to occur again in the same situation. You need to remember and have good communication so if the situation arises again, you can talk and avoid repeating the action. Forgiving someone, remembering, and being open to conversations, is not the same as forgiving someone then bringing up the action to make an argument or to 'rub their face in it'.
I’m of the same opinion. How can someone learn from a bad behavior or choice if they are so quick to just forget EVERYTHING surrounding the situation?
Forgiveness isn’t immediate either.
Thank you for this video
My mimic love is acceptance too. As I was bullied as a child. But also akomplishments (my english spelling such - danish keyboard) and apperance. My granddad was allways saying I ate too much and would get fat and with a fatshaming dad, I am so ashamed to point out if people are too fat, as I am afraid they would feel unloved. Akkomplichments because in my dads family we are four cousins born the same year, so grandma compare us like my granddad my dad and his brothers. She does it less the last ten years though
So if almost nothing is unconditional love, then what actually is?
Forgive? Yes. Don't hang onto a list of grievances? Yes. But forget? No! Voluntarily forgetting means giving up everything you've learned from the experence, and to do that is to *choose* stupidity.
"Just Forgive and Forget," only did that mistake once. Never again.
You guys should run for office. We need people that understand people to run for the political realms.
It would have been a more healthy example about their personal problems if the wife took more ownership of her actions forcing Jono into a lifestyle he didnt want instead of just saying "well it was good for you so I'm okay" while Jono apologizes for his own failure to keep up with her imposed expectations. If the genders were swapped, I think people would have problems with a husband saying "WE are going to start a business whether you like it or not" and the husband yelling at his wife with the wife apologizing over and over again for not being good at it. I'm glad you two can talk calmly about it, but wonder if you two really worked it out yourselves in order to send the right message out.
I rarely / maybe never see Alicia take responsibility for anything. Her, she basically bullied her husband into starting a practise, and not a word on "I should have listened to you".
I find myself watching this through the lens of neurodiversity and am very curious about the role this might be playing in the issues between Jonathan and Alicia in running their business. Jonathan has said that he has ADHD, which I also have, and one of my biggest struggles within this diagnosis is difficulty with executive functioning. I've run my own business for many years, but it's as successful as it is despite my business skills, not because of them. I wonder if some of his difficulties might be related to this. Of course, I could be way off base, but I'm just very curious about it. I get the impression that Alicia is neurotypical and therefore might have strengths that are more suited to the business side of things. Am I onto something or totally off-base? I think both of you are awesome, and I appreciate and enjoy your wonderful content!
How can you forget that your husband was naked with another woman, or the Wife was naked with another man ! These images in your head will never go away and trust is completely gone
I love how creepy the guy is and how sweet the lady is on these preview photos
Also I love that this guy talks about his wife so often that I remember her name but I forgot his
Thank you for this frank conversation.
I know this is off topic so please forgive me, but I had a session with my therapist today where she asked me what I'm doing to make myself look attractive. I Isn't sure where to post this for a possible response with these videos. Contacts I was telling her that I feel that I am unattractive and as such unlovable.
it sounds to me like your therapist wants to know how you define "attractive" and what kind of work you are doing to meet that definition. It sounds like being attractive is something you consider important, so your therapist probably wants to get into what it means to YOU.
@@kittimcconnell2633 That is fair. For me, my concern is not skin of eyes ir makeup or whatever. It's my weight. I like everything else.
Ouch bro
What's the book that Alicia read?
What is your take on the mental load?
I have to say that you guys aren't very clear on what you mean with the idea of unconditional love, and I have no idea what the point of the argument was. True unconditional love would be love for everybody. Otherwise if your kid magically turned into someone else you wouldn't love them. I suppose by that definition pretty much no one gives or receives unconditional love. However I don't get how having unconditional love would magically fix our relationships with people. If a person does things that are moral wrong, hurtful, or not productive to their own needs that those behaviors need to be meet with something other than pure love. Kids can often times be incapable of understanding of the logic of why that is even if the love is there and they know that. As a result all these "coping mechanisms" and searches for "imitation love" can and will happen. Also like with Jonathon's example with his own struggles with shame, one example of unconditional isn't always going to be enough to cancel out the ugliness of the world.
Damn! Your wife’s hot! Lol.