I Cheated. We Made a Deal. It Backfired. |
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
- I Cheated. We Made a Deal. It Backfired. | #TherapistReacts //
Are you dealing with betrayal, trauma, cheating? How and can you come back from cheating? Watch this video as a therapist reacts to "I cheated. We made a deal. It backfired," to see if its possible to recover after cheating.
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00:00 I Cheated. We Made a Deal. It Backfired.
00:45 Instagram message
02:00 Who do you want to be
08:40 Atonement
09:40 Attunement
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The critical piece that folks on reddit figured out with this one is that he cheated while his wife was pregnant with and then recovering from having their youngest child. He checked out when she needed him most. Trash.
This needs to be on top
Trash indeed.
I was wondering that when he read the ages of their kids and the timeline.
He hid that, knowing people would know what trash he is.
Agreed. He doesn't deserve to live in the same house with her. My guess is she's allowing him in her space for the kids. She's probably gotten better connection & better dick from her flings and realized she doesn't need a loser. But the kids can still benefit from that loser (hopefully without learning his negative traits, which is a major concern for how they might develop their own attachment styles).
'Her old bubbly self' I'm not sure the guy understands he is the reason that was lost for a while. The way he phrased it doesn't feel right. Maybe he low key thinks her bubbly personality is his entitlement and now he feels left out.
He feels entitled to her former joy, her "amazing sex" and her vulnerability. He thinks because he feels bad and has no plans to do it again, that should be enough.
@@tanadarko6991 Nail on the head!! Also agreee that he thinks he caused her bubbly personality like his sex was the only thing that makes her happy--lol well he found out. Ironically he knows that her vulnerability and trust was what created their great sex yet he thinks that their lack of great sex is a direct result of HER withered vengeful personality...not like one of them shattered the trust haha.
People like this want cheap grace. They think discovery or confession pay for a shiny new romantic and sexual relationship. It's bitchcrackers.
The lack of self awareness and critical thinking in this guy is astounding.
He's not being punished. This is her processing. He is no longer a consideration, like she wasn't. She is staying for the kids.
Exactly thisssss! Apparently he cheated while she was pregnant! YIKES! He deserves no sympathy!
So... You say you have a beautiful wife and that you had a great sex life. Yet you cheated for months with someone else and is now whining about your deal with the wife you betrayed. Yeah, I can't really say I feel sorry for him having to lie in the messy bed he made totally on his own... Honor your commitment, don't be a cheating bastard - it really is that simple. Nothing good will ever come out of lying and breaking trust if you really cared about that person.
Exactly. When I read 4-5 times a well I was like … wtf! Why was he complaining?
She was pregnant...left that detail out of his sob story how convenient.
@@samaraisnt why pregnant lady getting cheated on is such a common thing?! Like you massive piece of shit, she’s suffering enough by carrying YOUR child and you add to the burden.
Cheating is usually about entitlement. I love me some Esther Perel, but I reject the idea that cheating is a bid for "aliveness." It seems like most cheaters are people who have few qualms about lying, exposing their mate to physical (STIs), emotional and psychological harm, and dissipating marital funds.
Most people would end a business relationship that included dishonesty, danger and financial fraud. I don't know how couples survive this level of abuse, fraud and deceit.
@@lucindabreeding As someone with a traumatic unstable childhood and who has been in two abusive relationships, where both cheated, I left immediatly and never looked back in both cases. I can't stand Perel, so much of her stuff is straight up toxic/enabling toxic people, not just her stance on cheating. I'd rather trust my actual trauma pshychologists and therapists. Those are the ones to help me realize I have worth and shouldn't be tolerating disrespect and entitlement, not let it go so far as cheating before I leave.
And the hilarious thing, the two guys I was with kept on pestering me for sex after we were over, because our sex life was so good. So yeah, same like the wife in this story on that point. We had such good sex, so the cheating was such a shock.
As a polyam person, I kinda hate the "cheating led to us being polyam/open" because it always is some shade of unhealthy. Go in with expectations of operating under polyam/open rules and get enthusiastic consent from everyone or it will never work.
Question from someone who has no experience with poly relationships. What is in your opinion the healthy way to get into that type of relationship? Because I was under the assumption that maybe in the beginning of the relationship people are exclusive, but the moment the relationship slows down and the sex isn't all that anymore, they can start opening it up for new experiences? I'm just curious because i recently talked to a guy that said he and his partner are in an open relationship and they had been since they started, and they're really open about that eventhough they seem very supportive and understanding of eachother, so I don't know how your average healthy poly relationship starts. I'd love to kinda hear your point of view, because it seems you have your thoughts on what is and isn't considered healthy.
@corneliahanimann2173 my current relationships both started with us talking about being able to be romantically in love with more than one person. We actually learned the term polyamourous after we had been in a triad for a few years, but knew at the beginning that there might be other partners in our future, if one or both of us developed feelings for another person.
I know one lady who opened up her marriage and has a husband and bf, where they are happy and healthy because they talked about it beforehand and it wasn't seen as cheating. That works, but can be difficult to do, since if there isn't enthusiastic consent from both, it's doomed.
On the other hand, I know a guy who caught his wife cheating and she demanded to open the relationship or she would leave him, which he didn't want because she would destroy his business and leave him with their downs syndrome daughter. They are toxic and I no longer associate with them and refuse to call that mess polyamoury.
@@sarahlyon157 Thank you so much for your answer and for sharing your experiences. I see that communication is really at the core of what makes these relationships work and not work, just like with traditional relationships (hetero and exclusive). I usually like to say that all relationships have individual rules for what is and isn't okay, and it's therefore a very individual thing to discuss how people break the rules and trust in that relationship, so it's generally never my place to judge what is or isn't right in another relationship. This rings more true with what you shared, that you had a conversationwhere you've established boundries and have a really good record for respecting that. I love that for you :)
I am in 6 years to a relationship and we have had to work out a lot of stuff haha!
I went in, saying i was bisexual but never had the chance to be in a proper relationship with another girl, my partner thought it was cool and said if i ever was up for it we could try finding a girl wanting to see us. Unfortunately i also have some sexual trauma that i had to work out, so sex with "just" my partner was hard because we didn't know what was "wrong" for me. After some time we talk and my partner actually says, "i think you are way more into girls then you first thought" and we start talking about it, i define as a 80/20 bisexual as in I'm way more attracted to girls, but i love my partner more then anyone else and i will not trade him for anything. I later find out I'm mostly romantically attracted to personalities and sexually attracted to girls, so we talk and decide to try an open relationship with lots of communication!
We had a friend who just fit into our lives so well, she slept over a lot and we watched shows and cuddled and talked about our lives and romances, and deiced to talk about our relationship dynamic, and we sorta just clicked all 3.. We entered a relationship and took it VERY slow! Kisses, hugs, showers, no sex at first. We tried sex a little but i was not super into it, mostly because I'm not super into sex in general.
Unfortunately we had to pause it and it and later end it, as i was in very bad place mentally (getting and changing my medicine a lot) they where both studying and the studies took a hard turn, at the same time we all had families that suddenly started trouble and we all got pressured from all sides. Because the experience was new we all decided to brake it off there, with the notion that we could pick it up again later, when the storms had calmed down and we could focus on the relationship, if we where still up for it. Though we also urged her to follow her feelings and if anything else came by she should try it, and a guy came by and swooped her up
As someone who is fiercely committed to one person during a relationship and desire the same treatment, I agree the communication should be open and upfront.
Like imagine someone like me being committed to someone who secretly wants an open relationship haha Like NOt going to work lol
Sounds like the wife is going to leave him - probably once the kids get "old enough" or when it's totally over in her heart. It seems like mostly she wanted to open the relationship so she would feel protected by removing his ability to betray her that way again.
Completely understandable. Smart even in my opinion.
@@arraikcruor6407 A divorce would have been the better bet here to be fair.
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 in that case she will become single mother which is very hard. So I too suspect she is waiting for youngest to turn 18
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 I actually don't know. It does sound like she has decided to let him eat the poison he gave to her. I can't say what she is doing is right, but it feels good to read it. In some way she just straight up accepted him for who he is and is working on the relationship because she still fullfills her duty as a wife, technically she is doing everything right. I love ot, this guy deserves this.
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 no it wouldnt. he sounds like he wouldnt pay for his kids. hes too selfish. this way she sure he will.
He sees it as "she keeps punishing me" but what she's actually doing is protecting herself. He has destroyed her trust in him & their marriage, yet he wants her to be vulnerable with him - he's proven he's not emotionally safe for her to do that with. Marriage/couples counselling might help but he'll have to be prepared to be completely vulnerable with his wife & be the one to open up with vulnerability first. He's also going to have to hear & fully understand what he caused & why she doesn't trust him. It would be a long process to her truly forgiving him & it's not a given that it will happen.
It doesn't seem like he wants to put that work in though, the vibe I'm getting is "why isn't she over it, I apologised!" & that's nowhere near enough to make amends. Personally I would have left him if I were her, I know I could never again trust someone who did this to me.
I agree. It sounds more like whining that he’s not getting his way. I’d say they should split. At the end of the day, he sounds incredibly selfish. (Based solely on the information given to the audience).
While true, in 3 years not seeking therapy for this is really serious. Trauma-induced harshness can (and in this case seems like it has) destroy a relationship. You can't heal without vulnerability, be it by becoming vulnerable by breaking a relationship that doesn't work or by becoming vulnerable in a safe space with an intermediary and proper conditions for the regaining of trust.
If the man in the text genuinely hasn't cheated anymore in 3 years in a sexless marriage, that is a good sign of change, one that, stomped and spit on endlessly will bring nothing but resentment and an inevitable divorce. If she didn't want to forgive and heal from the betrayal trauma the divorce should have occurred two years ago, not stuck in this described limbo, and that is on her for keeping it that way, not just on him for causing the damage in the first place.
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 shes only staying with him for their kids and not emotionally (broken home bs) but financially. soon as their kids dont need to be taken care of anymore she's leaving him. The marriage is dead to her. She doesnt care about him just making sure he provides to be a good father for their kids. if he couldnt do that she'd have left with the kids already. I highly doubt she even wants to look at him much less live with him. edit: oh and i remember this one he cheated on her when she was pregnant with their youngest kid and was recovering from the birth. he was cheating when she needed him to provide and support her and the kids. he decided to be selfish prick. so he can get over himself.
Yes I could feel him whincing through the screen!
It's very "Why is my wife a bitch now it was x years ago." like oh sure sorry you won person of the year dude. It feels like he's projecting and I highly doubt he was singing "my wife is so beautiful and great" before he cheated, her moves are actually working ironically cause he's deifying her because he can't have her anymore...idk fuck around and find out, literally!
eww she was pregnant while he cheated...yeah like 90% of cheaters and 100% of scumbags. This guy really deserves everything he gets and more lmao these people SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS.
It’s interesting that he doesn’t even know if she is sleeping with someone else. At this point it’s mostly a narrative in his own head
I would bet money that she isn’t even sleeping with anyone else. She wanted him back because the kids were miserable and she wanted to make him feel how she felt.
@@MissPooslie I hope she is, she should let herself have some fun then keep him in the dark.
@@MissPooslie i hope she found someone she can actual love and trust since he's such a prick. i hope shes only staying to make sure he actually supports and provides for their kids then leaves him for someone she actually loves and trusts.
@@MissPooslie Same! But I hope eventually she gets hers...but it's totally power play moves haha.
I love her and I don't even know her. I *believe* she is beautiful and strong. I just want her to take that step and break it off! Her kids probably love him though ugh...so she's still being too good for him!
@@edithputhy4948 Why? If you're in love with someone but the trust is broken, sleeping with someone else isn't going to make you feel better.
This reminds me of the guy that bullied his wife into opening the marriage and rubbed his picks in her face. And once she got over the heart ache and decided that since the marriage is open, she would also go on a date. As soon as she mentioned she had a date suddenly he wanted to close the marriage and started trying to manipulate her into not seeing anyone. When she told him it was open marriage or divorce and she wasnt backing down he ran to reddit to cry about his "mistake".
Its a common theme unfortunately.
Lol was that the one where the wife ended up going out nearly every night on dates w other men getting spoiled etc. 😂 And the man and his other chick ended up moving on bc she got a bf??? Is that the one bc that made me crack tf up like shame dingus, play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Gotta love when the cheaters think that "Oh I cheated, but I *learned* my lesson, so we're cool!" because screw the pain the other person felt or that you basically killed the trust you had due to your own lust and greed.
It's the same as someone attacking another and thinking that saying "sorry" will undue their actions and the other person should stop feeling hurt.
It doesn't work like that!
She kept asking him for a divorce in the original story, but he keeps saying no. She said the only way that she wouldn't divorce was to keep the marriage open and every time he tries to make sure she becomes monogamous again, she says, ok, divorce me. So he's the one putting himself in this position. Keep in mind, he did this while she was either pregnant or actively recovering from their third child. The cheating thing happened 2 years and 8 months ago, and they have a 3 year old child, she's a doctor, she doesn't need his money, so it's not even about that. He just won't let her go, which in turn makes the entire family unit suffer. She's already checked out.
Fuck around, find out. He destroyed his wife's trust in him, probably destroyed her self esteem in the process, and he's acting like she's punishing him. All she's doing is serving him the exact same treatment he gave her.
For anyone who hasn’t seen this type of post before it is very, very common on Reddit. Though usually it’s with the poster suggesting that they want to open the marriage, the spouse concedes, then the poster has a whine fest when they realize the person they were crushing on doesn’t want to be with them or there aren’t hoards of people lining up to sleep with them but find their spouse usually has someone. Not usually a lot of someone’s but someone else they seriously date and start treating more as a significant other than the poster.
Yeah, that or it turns out that one of them was alteady cheating and decided to suggest an open relationship to save face or to just "cheat with consent" basically. From all the stories I've read, 90% of the times someone ask to have an open relationship AFTER marriage, it doesnt work out. There was one exactly as u described, with the guy annoying his wife until she agreed to open the marriage, then months later when he saw how his wife was having so much fun and had many guys around he started to get jealous and wanted to close the marriage back again. She ended up divorcing his ass. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
lol men are so stupid they don't know 80% of women are settling for them and 99% of women can find better sex outside of marriage...like duh. Why do some men think they're so hot. I think even hot men, unless they're Don Draper, have a hard time.
@@satsujin4027 my favorite was the dude who pestered his gf til she said yes cause she was fat so he wasn’t attracted to her (why not just break up you moron) and he had like one or two failed dates while she was having the time of her life with tattooed dudes 10x hotter than him. lol
This guy's whole post read as a huge 'poor pity me'. What did he expect to happen? He doesn't consider her feelings outside of how he doesn't have fun sex with her now. Boo hoo. If you want someone to trust you, be trustworthy.
I love what you said about forgiveness. A lot of people think, "Oh they forgave me, I'm all good," when that's not what forgiveness is at all. Forgiveness helps heal the person who was wronged, not the wrong-doer.
After my ex cheated on me it destroyed so many feelings of intimacy I had with him. I stopped feeling like I was sexy to him and any time we had physical intimacy I just felt sad, and that negative association caused me to be so turned off by him that we barely had sex anymore. It wasn't till we broke up finally, and I got my sex drive back with other people. Could be what's happening with the wife here.
Never take back a cheater. They are worth nothing.
Thank you for this, and thanks for saying cheating is a choice. A lot of people seem to forget this and say that monogamy is impossible or unnatural or that forgiving a cheater makes the relationship stronger etc. If monogamy doesn't work for you that's okay, pursue an open marriage or polyamorous relationship, but don't cheat!
Exactly, people are just different. For me, monogamy is easy af. When I'm in love with someone I have no romantic or sexual interest in anyone else. I only have eyes for my partner. If someone else dosn't, that's totally fine as long as they're upfront about it, because I won't work with them then.
polyamory is such a cope lmao
He needs to just leave her. He fucked up and ruined his marriage and needs to move on
I got cheated on one time (that I know of) and I forgave him halfheartedly. I didn’t believe him but I wanted to and I wanted to tell myself I would be the exception to a very common scenario. I ended up cheating on him weeks later, not out of revenge but because when a situation presented itself, my trust in our relationship, in him and my commitment just weren’t there or they weren’t my priority anymore. I called him immediately after and broke up with him, feeling like I was shattered with guilt, betrayal, hurt, feeling like I wasn’t enough.
6 months later, I met the guy I’m with now. We’re celebrating 10 years in august.
Congrats to you!! I'm sorry you went through that betrayal😢
Life is indeed full of silver linings.
Personally, I thibk cheating is deal breaker, there's no coming back from that and cheaters do not deserve a second chance (at least not from the person they cheated on).
Even if this man regrets cheating, he need to understand that things will never be back to how they were. If he have any sort of respect towards his wife and himself he should leave. Because if they are together their relationship will forever be toxic, but apart they might be able to heal and start new healthy relationships. To me the man in the story is stuck in the past and constantly hoping that things will be back to what they were before he cheated instead of accepting he fucked up and moving on.
I highly doubt that she has been with anyone else. And I am going to bet that he hasn't changed any of his other behavior to show her that he can be trusted.
"Filling your love bucket" definitely sounds like a euphemism 🤣😂🤣😂
TBH I am insanely vindictive and petty. The wife is definitely biding her time and absolutely punishing him. The irony is, OP wanted to have the cake and eat it too, its ok i said sorry but i cheated. The wife basically turned the table and said "Now you'll know what it feels like." its not just punishment or retaliation, its in the wifes mind, justice.
Shes biding her time and will more than likely divorce him once she's ready, because in all honesty, OP deserves it.
He's getting exactly what he deserves!
Now he understands the horror and revulsion she felt at discovering he was with another woman.
Now he can live in doubt, fear, self-blame, uncertainty, with a knot in his stomach every time he imagines her with another man.
Now he knows what it's like to not feel good enough for your spouse.
Cause he's not.
He can be kept awake at night worrying about her being with other men.
Wondering how many there have been.
He can have nightmares about her leaving him any day now.
But it will still never equal the trauma of him breaking her trust.
He will never experience flashbacks of seeing her stroll into the lobby with a man he had no idea was in her life.
He's living in the hell he made for himself.
I hope he fries forever. 🔥
He deserves every day of it.
And his wife is a genius!
Keep the money rolling in.
Let the dad live with the kids and take care of them.
Meanwhile, she jets around with whatever man she fancies that weekend. 🤣
And her cheating, b*st*rd of a husband hates it but he keeps on being the whipping boy.
I didn't used to believe in karma . . .
Still don't. Lol.
But I do recognize the cunning, the rage, and the willpower of a betrayed woman who's seeking revenge. 😏
To his wife: "Bravo. And congrats on turning a devastating trauma to your advantage. "
That was like a poem
I actually love this story. He frames it as "she's punishing me" when in reality he's punishing himself with these thoughts. She's just protecting herself and maybe not even doing anything with anybody, just going out with her girls. Even if she was doing anything, he agreed to it. He has the right to communicate his feelings about it BUT she also has the right to affirm her boundaries, she's not "threatening him with the divorce card". If their boundaries and needs are not met, both of them have the right to end this anytime. Maybe she accepted to get back with him because she wasn't ready to let go so suddendly and she's healing, making her peace until she's done for good. That happens. Maybe it was to make it easy on the kids. Who knows, there's plenty of reasons for that choice. Either way, I like that she's thriving and it's still my favorite Reddit story ever.
Look at how the "he" in this scenario was fine putting her feelings on the line, then gave his consent to something he doesn't even agree to, again because his needs matter the most and he wants her around. But then he complains about his own decisions to agree to terms he was never ready to actually commit to!
That's on him. She gave him conditions based off what she was ready for, in consideration of his betrayal. And maybe she had these unmet needs before. Even if she did this as a form of revenge, he still got a choice. But he didn't own his behaviour before and still doesn't own it now and complains about it.
That's really quite a self-made problem. He needs external help and a gokd dose of accountability and empathy training. And she might need some support with self-worth, too!
Right? He's the victim in his story. For 8 months she was preparing to move on and then only came back with certain terms, that he agreed to, and he does not like them. He wants to go back to before the time he broke the relationship but he can't. He broke it.
He makes all the shitty decisions and is always the victim. Yeah, he might not have NPD but he definitely has A LOT of narc traits.
Uncle cheated on my aunt (more complicated than that but isnt it always). My aunt still hasnt forgiven him. They are fine enough but always still in the back of her mind. Really sad to see over the years.
Why make yourself miserable and stay? When something like this happens I always say you have to choose between your dignity and staying in this relationship. I'd rather keep my dignity than a broken relationship.
@@edithputhy4948 not all women have options. It's kind of privelaged to say she doesn't have dignity...he doesn't but maybe she loves or pities him enough to take care of him, lord knows many women do that. I wouldn't but I'm not forgiving lol.
@@samaraisnt agreed, and in many cultures divorce means getting ostracized or even cast out of your family and community (for the woman).
Thank you so much for going over this one because I feel like a lot of people in failing marriages feel this way and think they're the victim.
I don't feel bad for this guy at all. It sounds like his wife (rightfully) is not interested in being in that marriage anymore. Based on how quickly she left him once she caught him cheating, I'd venture a guess that she was putting up with other toxic behavior from him as well before that (since unhappiness in marriage is almost never one-sided), yet he was the one who chose to go outside their agreement and break the marriage. After the 8 months, it sounds like she was very upfront about her boundaries and needs, and what she was willing to compromise on for the sake of their marriage and kids. He accepted these terms. Yet now he's unhappy, and seems to consider his wife the cause. Based on his comment he's not thinking "I wasn't able to rebuild trust", it's "now she doesn't trust me". He doesn't go out of his way to make her happy, instead he's just upset that someone else *is* making her happy. His post seems very centered around himself and his feelings and not around hers at all. I can see why being married to him wouldn't work out. Even the parts of his story where he gives himself accountability, he only seems to use to frame himself as the contrite martyr. He talks a lot about his own needs and how unsatisfied he is, but I don't see any reflection on her needs or ways he could be a better husband to her. It sounds like he keeps complaining about the arrangement they both agreed on with the expectation that she'll bend her boundaries for him, but instead she knows what she can't compromise on and offers divorce (which is valid--if this isn't working for him, and neither of them is willing to do something different, offering divorce is a sign of respect for his needs).
Basically he broke the marriage and then was upset that it was broken. She offered to come back with clearly stated conditions which he agreed to, but now is not only unhappy himself but also unhappy with her happiness. It doesn't seem like he's learned anything, and I don't blame her for anything he's described. If anything I applaud her for navigating such an emotionally complex situation and defending her boundaries so well. Good for her. This man needs therapy for sure.
*He doesn't go out of his way to make her happy, instead he's just upset that someone else is making her happy.* Whoa this is a great point! He actually has shown no steps in how he's mending or trying to enrich her life...aside from sad puppy face of sorry I cheated, AS IF that's what she needs?! lol she needed her husband.
Aghh great point also that her happiness makes him unhappy! That is a toxic element I didn't pick up on.
These are some amazing points, I completely agree
they both do ... why do you think she married him? Red flags that were not able to be seen by her probably because her father or parents were similar or gaslit her as a child
“ but now is not only unhappy himself but also unhappy with her happiness” EXCELLENT point
Seeing sensible comments in here (that aren’t sexist like under the reddit videos) is such a sigh of relief. Maybe humanity isn’t a lost cause after all.
Polygamy can NEVER work if it starts with cheating. You will NEVER convince me otherwise. Just break up and move on.
It's not supposed to work for him. It's supposed to work for her.
I can tell you why I tried to stay with my wife after she cheated. Fear of being alone and the belief that I was garbage and that's what motivated her to do that in the first place. The anxiety of her deciding to leave was so totally crippling that I lost my job, and that's when she left for real. I completely stopped taking care of myself at that point, nearly drank myself to death twice, our son got placed in my parents' custody, then I got placed in my parents'custody, and I lost my house. All of that just reinforced my belief that I was worthless.
It took me a year and a half plus three months of therapy to even consider that maybe it wasn't all my fault. Another two years later, and I still miss her sometimes, despite acknowledging that she was terrible not only to me, but our child, and our cats too.
I can empathize with this guy being in pain, but I sympathize with his wife much much more. Ultimately I feel like he dug his marriage's grave and what he's got now is a ticking time bomb.
I might suggest getting a dog. My dog is 100% the only reason I didn't blow my brains out during the worst of it. Even when you can't love yourself, a dog still will.
Unfortunately, i cannot have empathy for someone who lives for everyone but themselves in their own lives. Dedicating their mere existence to people pleasing, laying down in their trauma and even continuing that trauma instead of doing something about it. Instead of putting that work in to enjoy this gift of life.
Btw, im not sure how people are seeing this as me criticizing people or being some kind of bully. I’m very much allowed to dislike behaviors that are in fact unhealthy, and I’m very much not harming anyone. I empathize with the root of the issue, not the behavior itself.
@@pee3700 It's not that easy, some people are severely depressed and are desperately working at crawling out of the hole. If you can't have empathy at least abstain from criticizing them. If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.
@@pee3700 If you can't have empathy with someone suffering, then you have something to work on yourself.
@@leza4453 Someone suffering from something SELF INFLICTED is different from someone just suffering. It’s laying down in your trauma. I know how difficult the process can be, but it’s far more difficult to live your entire life for other people even if it feels easier. Because when you do that, you’re just building up more walls that need to be broken down. So yeah, I don’t have much empathy for people who people please, especially if they’re self aware. It’s something to get out of. Something i got out of at 14 after having a looong list of mental illnesses and disorders with horrible parents, horrible peers, etc. YOU CAN TOO! In fact, my people pleasing was one of the easiest things to recover from. You look at yourself and you ask “hey, how am I gaining from this behavior? How are others gaining from this behavior? Where will this behavior get me? Where do i want to end up, and how is that different from where i’m going? How does this influence the paths i take in life?”
With a little discipline, you can do anything. Especially if you’re not being physically held back. No one had him by his hair forcing him to make bad choices for the sake of protecting his fear of solitude.
So yeah! I don’t have much empathy for him or anyone who let themselves keep that trauma response! Stop laying down and taking naps in your trauma if you see it’s hurting yourself and others. Limiting yourself, depriving yourself from who you really are. You better get up and free yourself. Release yourself. No one said it was going to be easy, but if no one else can, rely on YOU. Give YOU the life you deserve and let the way others treated you motivate you. As you unlock more and more about yourself, it just gets easier and easier. I empathize with the trauma / root causing the people pleasing , not the people pleasing itself
@@ceciliadey5125 before you read this, read the huuuge thingy i just sent pls!
and honestly, i think what i did was very nice. i quite literally explained people pleasing & what it does to people. people can look at that & see some of themselves in that, and that can help them make a change. That laying down in your trauma thing i said? I had an epiphany about that! All people have got to do is ask for help instead of whining when they’re held accountable. No one was criticized. Again, I empathize with the cause / root of the people pleasing, not the actual people pleasing itself.
It’s fairly obvious that she’s most likely only still in it for the kids. I have a feeling once the kids are old enough, she’s going to divorce him.
I don’t feel bad for OP. He betrayed her in an affair that lasted months and she had to find out on her own. That would destroy any modicum of trust I had in my spouse. And it’s obvious that OP thought she’d just put his betrayal as water under the bridge. She’s pretty much checked out of the marriage and despite her forgiving him, she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. She doesn’t want to experience that level of pain and betrayal again, hence the opened marriage. And I’m pretty sure that she’ll move on from him in the future.
6 months ago I found out that my SO was cheating, decided to forgive him and 2 months later caught him doing it again. We were dating for 3.5 years.
I'm not saying there are not redeemable people out there (I'm a teacher, so I see that first hand). But like I've heard so many times, asking for forgiveness without changed behavior it's just manipulation.
In this channel (got here by Cinema therapy) I'd learned so much about me, to stop blaming myself, to look for reasons behind his behaviors. And although it wasn't a walk in the park, I can see the light.
And just like Jonathan says the world needs our light. So I didn't stop being myself, I am not giving up hope in humanity. Because even though it wasn't something I particularly recommend to anybody (not even my worst enemy) I came out stronger, wiser and a little more cautious. But still hopeful.
Thank you so much, you and your wife gave me so much and on those painful lonely nights, I've heard your videos on loop till I finally managed to sleep and stop crying.
And for all of you struggling with this, trust me it will get better. Just like riding a bike, keep moving forward.
How do you forgive someone who cheated on you? Well, it took me some time and ending that relationship to feel okay about what happened. Because while it was happening, I didn't even realize what impact it had on me. He was honest about it and called me the next day and all. I felt nothing, so I said it was fine and I understood why it happened. I even felt like I had to forgive him because it was my fault for deciding to study abroad for a while. But the truth is that this incident was the beginnging of the end for us. He came to visit me a few months later and I just didn't "feel" him anymore. We broke up and were both devastated after having been together for almost 9 years. It was the right choice though. We managed to stay friends and are both happy with this. Both of us also found new partners. I guess I have forgiven him although I'd never want to get back together with him. It's been four years since the breakup and I'm just now realizing I've forgiven him. I suppose it's because "forgiving" often seems to imply "staying together" and if you can't manage to do that, you haven't truly forgiven someone. But for us forgiveness was achieved through breaking up and showing up for each other as a friend. I'm glad we managed to do this. I'm proud of us.
I like your story! You found a good way for you to go on.
@@leza4453 Thank you :)
Been there, done with that. My guess is she's still just with him for the kids, and is making him feel what she felt so long as she still has to tolerate him. Cheaters are trash that deserve neither love nor happiness, so good on her.
How have I coped with being cheated on multiple times? Introspection on my ability to find a partner, and realizing that my general bad ability to read people means it's impossible for me to sufficiently assess a potential partners quality. As such, I just quit trying. Being alone is better than dealing with people.
It sounds like she only let him back in to her life because of the kids. I think she's half out the door emotionally. Like she's been hurt enough not to feel the good things, but she still is trying to protect herself from more hurt by opening the marriage. He can't cheat on her again if it's not part of the rules.
I'm studying to be a therapist myself, and I LOVE these videos! I hope one day I can be as insightful and helpful when I'm in practice.
She pulled the old UNOREVERSE
I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with not sharing "who and what" in an open relationship if that's what everyone involved wants and agrees to. In a healthy relationship, I'd see it as a sign of trust. Unfortunately like you said, this person f-ed up their foundation by breaking his partner's trust. To me, it sounds like his wife just wants to do her own thing now and being married to him is more for the kids and convenience. He's holding onto this hope that things can go back to how they were before (not impossible, but highly unlikely) which is preventing him from fully processing the change and moving forward.
I found out my ex wasn’t divorced when I was 7 months pregnant with his child. It’s been a decade and he still claims he thought he was divorced. I still almost married him. 🥴
I would say that he was feeling that he wasn't getting as much attention as he wanted due to her caring for their 3 young children so he found someone who focused their attention on him rather than him joining in on the family. You hear that one a lot as a reason a guy will cheat. I'm guessing the wife is staying in the marriage because she thinks it's best for the kids. Curious if she will divorce him when the youngest is in school?
A friend of mine went through a marriage where her husband asked for an open marriage and then set up a profile for each of them (without telling her and using a private photo of her) on a swingers site and then got mad after because lots of men wanted her but no women were after him. They were supposed to discuss with each other if they were interested in meeting someone. She never wanted to really participate anyways so she just never used the profile. He ended up cheating on her by having sex with the first woman he spoke to and he didn't talk about it with my friend first. She finally divorced him, but he didn't think she should have been mad at him.
Somewhat amusing that he expects her to get over his behavior while his feelings about her behavior are supposed to be honored. I want her, so she's supposed to be there for him to make him feel better. And she's supposed to open up emotionally and talk to him now when he didn't talk to her before. I totally agree that counseling is in order IF she wants to go. Otherwise he needs to have enough respect for both of them to end the marriage.
I was in an open/polyam relationship for years. He still cheated. I started a monog. Relationship and being pan and poly it wasn't easy to get out of the mindset. I flirted a lot, but made sure HE felt okay with this before I let anything be more than friendly. That being said. I KEPT IT THERE. Qnd now over time I am just happy to be with him and flirt mostly with him. We are a team and work together.
This is what I kept trying to explain to my friend, who isn’t speaking to me, her partner kept blatantly crossing boundaries and gave a half hearted excuse without any change in behavior, and then they didn’t understand why I didn’t drop it
"Cheating is a choice" - and not something that "happens to you". Oh yes, its like that!
My ex-husband tried to convince me that he hasn't chosen what happened (the cheating). He never saw that it was his decision to do so...
Glad I am divorced now and found a trustful and honest partner!
Cheating may happen - the thing is what you LEARN from it and if you can take full responsibility for your actions.
Yeah based on what I've seen with my own eyes, the vast majority of the time when a partner cheats, it's usually because they're insecure. Whether that be with themselves or with their relationship. I will say, I do find her 2nd response to the cheating to be very odd (the choice for an open marriage instead of going through with a divorce). Yes, the kids will be upset at first, if they were to actually divorce, but I'm sure the way things are now, they can probably sense that things are not okay between their parents. That can cause a lot of stress for the kids. Even if the parents don't discuss this, aren't arguing in front of them, or anything like that, kids can still sense these things.
Also I find it telling how he doesn't confirm that he HASN'T been taking advantage of the open marriage.
We don't even necessarily know if she is taking advantage or if it is in his mind. She could be out with friends, or doing something for herself vs going out with guys or sleeping around.
@@melindoranightsilver9298 Yeah I believe I saw someone else mention that. My last part of my comment though was about *him*. But back to her, I do still find her 2nd reaction to be odd.
The writer actually does say (at the bottom, at 5:13) that he hasn't slept with anybody else, and hints that he doesn't even flirt. Jonathan just didn't address that part.
So, cheats for months but sees the open marriage as a punishment?
Yeah, no
That only shows how the cheating was only a way to hurt his wife and that he got turned on by the idea of sneaking behind her back
Correct. He thinks its okay for him, but not for her. He liked getting away with something, not just being with another woman. It was BECAUSE it was wrong that he enjoyed it. But now that she says just go do it, suddenly he doesn't want it anymore.
Whoever this wife is, I admire your cunning. You paid him back in the most epic way of the punishment fitting the crime. 😅 everything this idiot is whining about is his own fault and now he can't live with the consequences. You can either sleep in the bed you made or find a new one and start from scratch. At this point, she is literally staying with him to twist the blade and she has every right to do so. As far as I'm concerned, she's already divorced in her head and she's getting everything she wants regardless if he finally breaks
I admire the woman in this story too. I also watch waaay too much true crime to think this is a good idea. I just think of all the ways her revenge can backfire after she has successfully broken this man and it makes me fear for her and their children. Hopefully he’s a good enough man to sit down and talk this out with her and get some couples therapy or make the decision to divorce.
Maybe, but I think you're assigning a lot of motive to her and giving her a vindictive spirit without knowing her at all. It could also be her retreating out of fear. It could also be that he blamed her at some point when the affair is revealed, and so she's giving him freedoms he once claimed to need. OP is interpreting it as punishment. There's no proof that she intended to punish him.
I think that'd be pretty sad. She spends the next 2 years of her life focused on revenge? She doesn't even sound happy.
@@tanadarko6991 kinda sounds like you have no idea how this situation feels. She's getting laid whenever she wants because her husband betrayed her in the worst way possible. I'd be over the freaking moon.
@@tanadarko6991 yeah, I was about to say so myself
He doesn’t sound like a very selfless partner. He sounds selfish and self centered. I genuinely don’t think the partner isn’t punishing him. I think she was trying to protect herself, and perhaps came into liking their new arrangement.
I think they should have that talk about committing fully or separating. Although, I’d wonder if he’d again deal with the same issues once she agreed to monogamy and cheat once more.
To put it frankly, he sounds like a butt head.
This guy sowing: Haha, fuck yeah. Yes!!!
Thid guy reaping: Well, this sucks. What the fuck??
Thank you for the clarity on forgiveness! Because I speak with so many people hanging on to trauma and pain because they believe they need it to keep them safe. You can 💯 % forgive someone and not trust them or allow them to be part of your life. You simply free yourself from the desire to punish them. You can still take legal action in cases of abuse or assault; you can speak up and tell what happened, even if others say you're being disloyal, because that protects others from being victimized. You simply speak the truth without venom. Prayer helps. Meditation helps. Therapy helps *a lot*! You can forgive, not because they deserve it, but because YOU deserve peace ❤
I would love to see more videos on betrayal outside of cheating. I recently went through a traumatic experience of being lied to profusely about anything and everything to the point where it made me mentally unwell and my partner did not stop. I would love to hear your thoughts on things like lying. I know most videos and therapists online focus on cheating but I feel like lying can do just as much or worse damage over time.
What's going on in her head? By neither owning that you betrayed her trust nor mending your ways by refusing to consent to an open marriage she's sparing herself from your suspicion--because cheaters make the lives of the people they're cheating on miserable with their jealousy of imagined infidelity on their spouse's part--at the expense of retaining the right to decide whether she gets to heal from your betrayal, and by refusing to divorce her you have decided that no, she does not get to heal. I went through the same thing without the open marriage angle, and my husband only owned his inappropriate behavior because seven years after she dumped him (for her husband, or rather for the house he bought) his father had become terminally ill. It should never take a disaster in your life for you to do right by others. It pains you to see your wife happy!?! That tells me that regardless of what other options you have a divorce would be a good thing. Let her heal, already. Care about her enough to give her whatever it takes for her to heal.
I agree
First off I love your comments about forgiveness and why it’s important. It’s really hard to do especially with people that used to be very close to you and your life.
Second this guy doesn’t sound like he’s taken any responsibility for what happened. He has no remorse for cheating on his wife, he wants to blame her for the state of their marriage without any responsibility of his own. He also said they had an amazing sex life before and ended up cheating on her. I’m surprise she stayed with him at all. Especially since he still sounds horribly selfish and self-centered. He seems like he is completely checked out of this relationship, and he needs to get out for his sake, as well as hers.
If they had amazing sex before hand why did he cheat? He had a hot wife that slept with him often????? What the hell????
She was recovering from her latest pregnancy. That's why he cheated.
I feel like the guy in this insta post don't really understand what he did.. The way he is explaining it is more like "we don't have much sex anymore, and when we do its awful, how to fix" instead of actually think about how fucking much he hurt his wife with his act...
He sits with the feeling that he doesn't know if she is out having good sex with strangers, and it makes him feel like shit - but his wife had to catch him in the act, an act that kept on going for a while.. I understand that he loves her still, but i don't feel like i would be able to trust his words either, he HAD her but CHOOSE to see another woman.. For their both sake and especially for the children that divorce should have been final, you don't save the kids by staying together if you don't work out your shit, he should ask for couples therapy and she should accept IF they want to rescue whats left..
I think it's interesting that this husband frames it as "she keeps punishing me." I don't think it's a punishment if this is an agreement the two of them made. If he's unhappy with the agreement, that's fine, but this isn't a punishment. If they are unable to communicate / negotiate how to make the relationship be monogamous again, then I think he needs to be the one to end things. The separation was difficult on the family, I'm sure, but this emotional tension and upset cannot be healthy for anyone either.
I hope it gets sorted out in whatever form that takes.
I wanted to agree but you've missed something. She no longer let's him bring her to an orgasm. That's a punishment for him but also she's punishing herself.
@@lisarodriguez6966 - I don’t consider that a punishment towards him. Nor a punishment for her. If she doesn’t want that intimacy with him, then it’s her right to draw that boundary. If this boundary is going to be a dealbreaker in the relationship, then it needs to be hashed out.
Why would she want to close their marriage? lol she wants the freedom, so she's taking that freedom she deserves. She has rejected his desire to be mono...so yeah, she decided. All I have to say is good for her! She made all the rules.
@@Rikrobat why is she even having "sex" with him without acheiving orgasm? That is a punishment no man on earth would even call that (not achieving orgasm) "sex" and sane women wouldn't either. I think she just does it out of obligation like many wives, joyless but she doesn't care or want him now.
@@samaraisnt - Again, I don’t think this is considered “punishing him.” His choice of words make it sound like he’s a victim in this whole scenario, but a lot of this was brought on by his original betrayal. So he either needs to step up and lay out his boundaries to make the relationship work or he has to have the guts to end it.
So he cheated and got his life ruined
Good
life ruined = ugh my wife's happy
I’ve heard this before on other channels dedicated to reading these kinds of stories, and if I remember correctly one of them read out a comment I think was very insightful into what the wife’s mind state is. To paraphrase;
The guy mentions that everything was hard on the kids and she only came back after seeing that. So it’s entirely possible that she doesn’t care about him at all, but she’s willing to put up an act for the kids until they’re grown and out of the house and she feels she can now “safely” divorce “without hurting them”. Which is why she wanted secrecy too. She’s dating around and planning out her life for after they can end the farce, and I’m the meantime she doesn’t want either of them to know about the other’s romantic life because in just a few more years they’re not going to be anything to each other.
Hahaha he wanted to do what he wanted to do, but he didn't like feeling the way he made her feel.
Home girl saw an opening and ran with it. And now she doesn’t wanna give up having her cake and eating it too.
It’s the perfect revenge 😊
Instead of asking the internet, he should ask her- "how long will you punish me"?
Show your true emotions. Cry, beg, be vulnerable. She has become a frozen wall. Remember that fairy tale? /only love can thaw/.
She wants you to show regret and remorese. Make her talk. Listen to her. She may or may not forgive you, but she sure wants to see you apologize. Show her your broken side, only then will she begin to trust you again.
Naw. I bet she wants revenge. I know I would. And I'd do it in the most emotionally scarring way. I love seeing people suffer for their misdeeds and betrayal. 😈👹
What you shared on forgiveness rang so true.
Man i love your content - it has really helped me in the past thank u ❤
This is fantastic. The parts about atonement and attunement and the different levels of forgiveness really resonate with me. Thank you!
"Weh I betrayed my wife, why am I facing consequences"
Subscribed! Love your other channel!!❤
This gotta be one of the most satisfying things I read in a while.
Hey, love the videos, it helps a lot when you can't afford therapy! I don't know if you take suggestions but I would really love to see a video about getting over that betrayal trauma and about the fear of falling in love (philophobia). I'm struggling with that and still having needs for closeness but running from any opportunity. I haven't even gotten a crush on anybody since my relationship ended 5 years ago.
That was the TLDR of my struggle, this is my full story below (feel free to skip I just needed to vent today):
Even before my first relationship, I was scared to get hurt and/or get cheated on in a relationship. I made it known beforehand to my boyfriend (now ex). I gave him a chance, even taking the time to bury my crush for someone else before getting with him out of respect. It was hard getting in a relationship as I didn't like hugs and physical proximity due to never being hugged often as a child. I started to really enjoy it though. He broke up with me after 1 year but we kept sleeping together for 2 months, for me it was cuz I wasn't ready to let go of him and the intimacy (he was first kiss, first time, first everything). I ended up learning he cheated on me before he left me AND had been cheated on his girlfriend (the same girl) with me. He NEVER told me he had a new girlfriend tho or else I would have never done that.
After a few months, he ended up telling he liked both of us before a week later deciding he wanted me and I accepted him. He wanted to "say goodbye" to that girl and I learn by that girl (cuz we were on talking terms after I learned about the cheating) that he slept with her before he broke things up for good. I met him to confront him about it and break things off with him too for that. As we were talking I got the worst panic attack in my life! I had been having panic attacks since I had suspicions during the relationship but it had never gone over 10 minutes of hyperventilating. That time it was 40 MINUTES non-stop. I really thought I was gonna die in his car. so I thought it was a sign to give him another chance (Oh boy, it would have been the other way around).
We were good for some time before he became depressed and basically wanted ME to end things with him (but he didn't want to do it himself) so out of love, I prepared myself and did it. He came back not long after and same thing happened. He came back again so I accepted him again but I had already prepared myself so many times that I soon realised I had 0 feelings left.
My friend told me to wait it out for a month and if I still felt like that, it was for sure time to break up. That month felt like forever to me. I would try to find so many excuses to not see him. He always seemed to want to be with me when it didn't felt like he wanted that before. I was in agony whenever I had to meet him and pretend. For someone who used to enjoy sex, I did it for him during that month but during it I was thinking "I wush it was over, I don't want this". In retrospective, I definitly should have left him sooner. When the month ended I was soooo happy to break up I hadn't been happy like that in a long time which is not something very nice to say but it's the truth. That was the first time in the whole month I was the one asking to meet up (still wanting to do it face to face as it's the right thing to do) but he kept refusing. He said if I wanted to say something I could do it by text, he basically knew something had been wrong for a while. I couldn't wait anymore so I just told him straight up and lived my best life for a while.
It's been like 5 years now and besides a sex friend for a year with the only male (my age) I trusted, I haven't even had a crush. For someone who always had a crush on somebody all her life since she was a young child, it feels weird I gotta be honest. I haven't crushed on anybody since then, not one person I have liked like that. And while that may seem fine, I have needs. I miss having someone to hug, to be close with, to have a connection with (I hug my friends and my family more now to compensate but it doesn't feel the same). I feel lonely and I wouldn't mind even it not being a relationship and just have a sex friend, I really like that lifestyle cuz it's not that scary but even finding someone I trust enough to do that with seems impossible. I don't know if it's just the betrayal trauma or lack of self confidence or lack of trust or if it's philophobia. I know it's not in the DSM as a real thing but I always ran in the past at the prospect of anything happening. That ex kept pursuing me for 6 months before I accepted him. Even when one of my crushes confessed through a letter I never responded (biggest regret of my life but even if I went back in time now, idk if I would have had the courage to respond). Male friends who have confessed to me, I have ghosted or I distanced myself from. What do I dooo? How do I get over that?
Thank you for having the courage to be vulnerable and share your story. I hope you're able to find your answers, work through your trauma, and end up living your best life.
Adding to it, we were two weeks into our relationship when the man who is now my husband cheated on me. Absolutely bonkers but even I don't know what I did to make him shape up, I didn't do the typical "now I have to know where you are and who you talk to at all times before I trust you again" crap that you see. I chewed him out about it and said what I needed to say, but I didn't yell or scream. The conversation was over and I just went upstairs and kept to myself. He did most of the crying, but not the fake kind. I made it very clear that I wasn't going to bother with making him earn my trust and ever since then, he hasn't slipped up. He actually became a better partner after this to the point where we got married not long after.
Maybe jono would have to weigh in on this because any other relationship where this happened would be DOA. Maybe it was the fact that I had been cheated on so often in the past and this was the straw that just made me too used to it? I'm not sure. It doesn't even pose any problems right now which is even more shocking.
Have y'all talked through stuff since?
@Jake Marie yeah a couple times. It never results in a fight or anything, we just don't have the answers to the questions.
I saw your thumbnail and read the rapist reacts and not therapist!! Omg I was like “wow, rapist get to make reaction videos on people cheating??” God what is wrong with my brain lol
Maybe you live in a country where the punishment for a rapist is less severe than the punishment for ending a pregnancy that results from a rape. Having to listen to a rapist would fit in fine in that environment.
@@torkakarshiro5170 lol USA so yeah maybe
I like to deal with trauma by shoving it down deep into the depths of my soul and lock it up 🤷🏻♀️ we deal with it when it explodes 😅
“Our sex is bad now.” It was probably bad before, just not for him.
Ive been cheated on twice the only relationships I’ve ever had
I don’t have any hope for the future
I feel like I’m always going to be hurt and the future seems bleak
Is there any hope left for me?
There is far more to life than relationships. Life is far too important and rare to waste energy on people who didn’t respect you
Of course he is feeling guilty and remorse, but not for what he did, mainly because he got caught and now he is facing the humiliation of knowing that she will find many other men better than him and they will have her to themselves. Of course he feels bad about it, because the truth is that he thinks that he is the only one who can have another people to elevate his ego.
Otherwise he still would have the girl if the wife didn't catch him on the act.
Unfortunately our society teaches that it's OK this kind of behavior and this is the worst that someone could do to another person.
This causes them a huge trauma who might never goes away!
The cheater will find someone else and they can start over again but the other person who was the one who got hurt will continue to suffer and might even ruin the new health relationship that could appears, just because this kind of trauma won't go away, even if gets better with help, that would take many sections with therapist.
Anyway, cheating in general, for men or women (romantic relationship, friendship, etc) is the worst that you can do and I am so against our society deal with it like is something ok!
A long time ago killing people were totally OK too, but doesn't mean that was right or acceptable.
How do you cheat on a friendship?
When was it okay to kill people?
By Jonathan's definition, it would be going outside that friendship for anything that was agreed to be reserved for within that friendship. For example, another commenter mentions a friend who begged for a promise of secrecy (mistake #1) yet then revealed the secret (mistake #2). I would very much consider that a betrayal of friendship; we just don't use the word "cheat" in that context as often as we do with romantic partners and academic assignments.
@@tReadYT Obviously, not keeping secrets after agreeing to is a huge betrayal whether in a friendship, familial, or romantic relationship - or even in a professional or collegial relationship. But if I said my boyfriend cheated on me because he shared a secret I asked him not to, everyone would think I was crazy. To "cheat" means specifically to go outside the bounds of something, to break the rules. Maaaybe I could cheat on a friend by watching "our" show with a different friend or by myself, but while it might cause some hard feelings, such cheating would be unlikely to cause a major rift.
I don't think you can cheat on a friendship because friendship does not demand exclusivity - nor should it. There shouldn't be anything that's fine/good if you do it with a friend but a betrayal if you do the same thing with someone else in a friendship.
So my perception here is two things.
1. Like you said can be done, she's forgiven him, but she's not letting him back in. Which, honestly, i agree with her decision based on how he's acting.
2. It seems to me she's staying for the kids. They're all not even teenagers yet. Kids that age get curious, and they won't stop the line of questioning as to why until they get a comprehensive answer. To me, it sounds like she knows this and is choosing to stay so she doesn't have to explain why mommy and daddy are no longer together, because telling them the truth would in essence be badmouthing their dad, and this may be a large assumption on my part, but i know if i was a parent, i wouldn't want to lie to my kids no matter how ugly the truth is.
I think she decided to open the marriage not to punish him, but to allow him the space to keep seeing other people, and for all we know based on what's been read here alone, she hasn't seen another person at all. He seems to be projecting big time that because he was unfaithful and might be a jealous enough person to pull petty stuff on a cheating partner, that she must now be seeing other men. It's entirely possible she's not getting external physical contact. It also sounds like she feels the source of the infidelity was him being unsatisfied with her, so she might feel she doesn't deserve to feel good, hence why he isn't "allowed" to make her feel good. She sounds like she's punishing herself for the good of her family.
Ultimately, they should go separate ways and she should tell the kids as much of the truth as she can within age-appropriate limits. She deserves to be happy, and he deserves the time and space to work on the root cause of all this and make sure he doesn't do it to his next partner
Wanna hear from the other side? Here it goes:
I've cheated on my first boyfriend, with whom I had almost all of my first times with. I was 18 years old. We were fairly honest with each other, but he was very jealous, and I felt trapt (he hit me once, but kind of like a child slaps another when they don't like a joke? it wasn't violent, but it wasn't cool). I was quite vulnerable and got really close to a mutual friend, who was there for me everytime I needed. And I cheated on my boyfriend with him. It wasn't planned, and it wasn't something evil to get back at my boyfriend. It just happened.
This friend then went to tell my boyfriend what happened (after making me promise to not say anything, which I wasn't going to do) and my boyfriend confronted me. We talked, and cried, and we both said our apologies and forgave each other.
And things got better. We had 1 year of an open relationship a little after that, because we both realized I needed to explore my sexuality and myself (because I had not prior experience and really wanted to live this "phase" I didn't get to have before meeting him). But we loved each other and didn't want to be apart. Maybe we found each other a bit too soon...
We've been together for 10 years, in a monogamous relationship, and will be getting married next year. No cheating has ever happened again and we're 100% honest with each other.
Mistakes will be made, and lessons have to be learned - and people can grow. Not every relationship is doomed in a situation like this.
Hope this helps someone, somewhere :)
Your story is much different than the one told in this video. You were 18 and on your first boyfriend and it was a one time cheat. This is a married couple with 3 children who the husband cheated for 3 months and did a 4 hour drive each time just to get some sex and time away from his family and obligations
@@jenniferwells2291 my grandparents were basically ahead of their time on this: they had an open relationship for almost all of their marriage. It was actually just the same as the arrangement in the post of the video: they each did their own thing and never said when, where or with who. obviously, they never talked about it to anyone (they only told us grandkids when they got very old) since, at the time, open relationships weren't a thing and they would have been massively shamed if anyone found out. but they lived together for over 50 years, had children and grandchildren and the arrangement never botherred them
@@zilesis1 open marriages have defo been a thing then and beyond. People mostly got married in an arranged way or out of convenience way too young up until very recently. Remember how all 50's husbands used to have multiple affairs? Yeah, it was like a one sided open marriage except women never had sexual autonomy or freedom to do the same...but many did when they were more equal. Artists who were married. Actresses. Simone De Bouvier and Satre. This was the norm it just wasn't talked about and not everyone was mature enough to do it and some people ofc would be mono. Most people would keep it secret but another example is Bogart & Baccal.
I was in a situationship with a guy,,I was without boundaries, I saw a like from a female, clicked on her page, basically he was all over her page, basically masturbating .. I brought it up , oh a coworker, I don't know her, we say hello only ,so I asked her, no qay she half his age and she said nothing on it, but good friends.
He lied knowing her, blaming me..I saw a conversation lead by him and I really got burnt,bur I really my boundaries or lack of , made me grow, I began boundaries..I realised don't listen to words listen to grow to become the you who loves themselves better.. I thought we were going somewhere, she and I had him trash us both.. only for nobody to win but learn from ..
the closed captions are wierd. The cc "now, over two years later,..." start at 3:42, not at 5:13 (after the commerial) when Jonathan starts reading that part..
I finally got the courage to break up with my ex who cheated on me more times then i can imagine. We’re not together but I still feel incredibly hurt and broken by this. It’s silly but even just typing this out I’m getting emotional and i just want to never think about it again, never feel another thing towards him and his actions ever again but i dont know how
Don't cry🥺time makes all wounds manageable and you'll find someone to love you again🫂🫂🫂
It might also have been his original excuses he gave for cheating; wasn’t happy, wasn’t attracted, she wasn’t attentive enough.
I feel like she agreed to being together for the kids. 5 times in three years; this is a marriage in name only.
This isn’t a punishment; she’s done
I've been there. You know what i didn't do? Demand an open relationship. Me being upset is no excuse to commit adultery. I refuse to tarnish my virtue just because someone else tarnished theirs. I refuse to bring myself down to someone elses level. No, he wanted me to stay, so he had to come up to my level, i will not get down into the gutter to maintain a relationship. Either you be a man worthy of me, or gtfo. He had to do the hard work to become a better person, to grow up and become a true man. And you know what happened? It worked. It took a year or so to see real long term changes, but it worked. He grew up, and now several years later we have a wonderful marriage of service and i have no fears he will do it again. We have healthy, happy kids with two loving parents. We have a well run household thats good for our family. It's not even about my feelings, or me forgiving. Im not jesus, thats not my job. He didn't hurt me, he hurt himself. Yes i love my husband, and i hurt, but not for myself, but for him because he was the one going down a dark path, not me. If he had continued down that path, he would have been the one to lose his family, not me. He would have been the one still in the depths of depression, not me. He would have screwed his own life up, not mine. Now im not saying anyone has to stay with someone who cheats, what i am saying is don't become the bad thing they did to you because youre hurt. Relationships absolutely can recover from adultery, but the person who was cheated on needs to be mature about the situation, and the cheater needs to have true remorse and a willingness to change, and both people need to start being more open and honest. If both spouses aren't willing to do that, then they need to get divorced. The wife is only prolonging the suffering and creating new problems instead of fixing the old ones, and the husband is stuck being a selfish child. Both people have stopped growing and the children will be the ones who suffer most.
Lmao serves him right
Once your partner cheats on you, aka destroy your trust, destroyed your basic foundation, your best friend betrayal. There’s no going back. There is absolutely no reason to. Once the trust is gone, it’s game over. Lmao plain and simple
If you don't have kids it's going to be much easier to let go and find love in someone new who has not harmed you.
Marriage is soooo complicated
She's punishing him. And if he wants the punishing to stop he has to leave. What they had is gone and she is not willing to revive it. It could be that the cheating triggered some unresolved trauma in her but if she's not willing to unpack it, the marriage will never work.
This poor guy! How could his wife be so mean! He only cheated once, and now she's basically cheating on him multiple times! That reddit post was probably the dumbest combination of words I've ever had the displeasure of hearing.
Aww, poor poor cheater feels bad. Wa wa waa. This isn't "punishment". This is self protection. Why should she trust you? She can't.
It’s always interesting how the person who cheats and goes to great lengths to do so knowing the harm it would cause and didn’t care will miraculously have a come Jesus moment and suddenly want to value the relationship the betrayed. I don’t feel bad for the guy, it’s his ego/pride that’s hurt and she’s turned him into a legally wedded roommate. Lol
I love when cheaters play the victim in cases like this. You brought this on yourself man. She's just drawing out your well deserved punishment and you need to take it like a man.
He got what he deserved.
The woman probably isn't even seeing anyone. She is probably refusing to get emotionally vulberable with him. Not many people respond to their partner cheating by getting other partners. Sometimes they close up emotionally and physically and seek joy and contentment theough other means of self love
4 times a week with kids?? Thats as good as it gets. I mean why? If he is that sexually fulfilled why look elsewhere
Insecurities. No matter how good, they're always gonna need more.
Could also be a way to boost his already inflated sense of self as this reddit post indicates.
The house don’t fall when the bones are good. He’s got brittle bones
Can u do a video on if one spouse is using, hiding, lying about, paying for it despite debt, saying they will stop but they don't, even trying to suggest the wife herself does only fans when she abhors it, etc regarding p0rn? Especially when it comes to men, it can destroy a marriage. I'd love your take on this.
My husband has been using it since age 7 and it's become a huge issue in every area of his life and ruining our marriage. Not getting sex isn't the issue. He's an addict but won't admit it
There is a Mended Light video where Johnathan and his wife talk about his porn addiction
@@jenniferwells2291 thank you! I'll try to find it
I'd suggest COSA (co-dependents of sex addicts) or even Al-Anon for help in delaing with the addict. Most addicts won't admit they have a problem though until they're miserable. I'm so sorry you're going through that.
Mended Light has a couple of episodes on porn but the one where Jono is beautifully vulnerable is What To Do If Your Husband is Addicted To Porn
ruclips.net/video/-qdPHUgnmCo/видео.html
@@Oxaca73 I never heard of Cosa! Thank u! I've been to Coda but didn't really vibe w the 12 steps and the group dynamic at the time, but maybe Cosa is a better fit for now. Thank u!
Just a heads up @MendedLight: your subtitles are way off timing-wise. It might be fixed by inserting the section where you talk about Mended Light before returning to raw reactions.
Can you make a video about overcoming phone addiction? Especially TikTok is messing with me. I really feel withdrawal symptoms when I have a few minutes of silence. I can't take it. I need to watch videos all the time or at least listen to music that keeps me distracted.
I think it's also about controlling my emotions. I listen to sad music, watch sad TikTok edits about my favourite sad moments in movies, when I want to feel this. And I make myself feel happy by watching happy videos. Those emotions are much stronger when they are caused by videos or music, than real life emotions. One second I die laughing and a second later I am close to tears, then proud, then interested, then happy again, ... And when I put my phone down I feel empty as if there are no emotions left to feel.
I know I need to return to the real world and live more in the present, but it became so bad, that being in the present is physically painful.