My father was a vicar with special training in counseling/helping through crisis. (Which he never wasted on me. That was for his adoring congregation who would gush over his compassion) I refurbished my kitchen and was hit my one of the worst depressions I've ever had. I didn't drink water for two days to avoid the long trek to the bathroom... I had to go every 10/12 hour and when I was up I did go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee with milk. Father came to help me organise the kitchen and turned on his upbeat think happy thoughts attitude. With the normal side serving of "I need praise" "I should do... Don't you think? Isn't that a great idea? " When I told my therapist about that she insisted on a role play for me to understand his feelings so I could be more supportive next time. I reminded her that I had been bedridden for two days not getting much nutrition. I said that for once I didn't think I could be expected to "put myself aside and take one for the team" (One of mother's favourite lectures) Also I have been starved for positive feedback all my life and when I was that ill I didn't have the energy to give father what he had denied me all my life. She became stern and told me "You are no longer a child! You have to learn to step up and meet your parents as an equal! Do not expect them to continue to baby you!" (I don't think they ever babyed me, as far back as I can remember my minor injuries like a skinned knee annoyed mother because of the hassle of cleaning it. I have no recollection of coming home upset about something without being told off for loads of negative character traits and sent to my room to reflect of the errors of my ways)
For anyone who needs to hear this: I have been DEEPLY depressed, at several points, to the point that I don't leave my room for weeks. During those periods, my friends stuck by me - even though my depression sucked. They came to me, they kept inviting me to things, they texted etc etc etc You are not unlovable because of depression. Depression will not cause people who love you to suddenly bail! You are worth loving and being friends with
I am trying to see it your way. But I come from a family system where I was kinda assign the short end of the stick. Mother suffers from depression and when she lashes out I have to suck it up otherwise I prove my lack of empathy. Any hint of my mental health problems is a big no no because this will make her feel guilty for failing me and add to her depression. Just tensions in my shoulders will have me banned from her presence because of the added stress. I'm mostly tolerateble when I smile and keep my mouth shut. (I've gone low contact)
@@lilletrille1892 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! That's really unfair parenting, and I would say low contact is an absolutely good choice for you. It's always possible to find your people later on! The friends you make now can be your support system
I had to stop listening because friends leaving me when i expressed my battles with suicidal depression is something that left me deeply traumatized, and hearing these descriptions put me in tears. Thank you for creating this content and pointing out how to draw boundaries while still being supportive
Boundaries are definitely important for all parties when a person with significant mental health is involved. I work with teens and a lot of them "trauma bond" and while it's productive in some ways it can turn toxic VERY quickly if they don't set boundaries. Most of them are also in therapy which helps considerably because while close friends are supportive, mental health can really only be treated by professionals. Friends trying to be therapists , or mental health friends relying on their friends and family in lieu of therapy isn't healthy either. It takes a lot of effort and awareness on all sides, though, of what's the healthiest for everyone involved. Too often non therapist friends and family get over involved (due to lack of training/knowledge) and they end up burning out and the friendship/relationship becomes strained.
I’m so sorry 😢to hear that. My family kidked😢me out when I had severe depression. Unfortunately I can relate. It’s been more than. 12 years now and I’m doing extremely well, without my family.
That story of the father was very similar to part of my relationship with my father. I had a love/hate relationship with him. But for years I felt “bullied” at home around both my weight and work ethic. One day as an adult he told me he was proud, but he said i wanted you to succeed even if meant hating me. As an adult and years after my father passed , I still have the “I’m not working hard enough”, “ I am not worthy as I’m over weight”. As my inner voice of my father. Yet I know I’m a workaholic and go my weight goes up and down and the worthlessness keeps me away from relationship. So even if you do succeed in life as far as the parent is concerned, that child carries those messages through their life. Everyday I have to tell myself I am enough. Some days I believe, some days the father voice wins.
Omg, that’s exactly what my grandma told me about my depression. She told me that if I continue to be sad all the time my boyfriend is going to get bored and leave me. It made me feel like i some kind of clown to make other people happy.
The fact is I have lost friends through both disabling physical illness & mental ill health. It was hurtful, but the people who left when I wasn’t just wasn’t able to do “fun” stuff anymore - due to disability, depression, even depleted financial means - well, they can just keep walking as far as I’m concerned. I’m depressed but I still have some self respect.
That's what relatives have been echoing ever since I fell into depression. I fully believe everything you said. I really do. But the thing is , it's so hard for me to accept. I see others have genuine friendships despite their health difficulties. But because in this past 2 years, pretty much all my friends left me except 1 who texts randomly. Well, most of my friends and I grew apart. But many other friends just exposed their true colours, and made my realise how toxic my friends are. Now I've built so many walls based on lack of trust. I want to heal, and slowly take that wall down brick by brick. Ideally - make the wall easier to climb over or something I dont know. Watching people having amazing friendships on the internet gives me hope, and watching Cinema therapy kinda keeps me alive.
You've gone quite an amazing journey and have set yourself up for positive change down the road. I hope you take the time to properly acknowledge the way you walked this far. It's not a little! And it tends to indicate good chances that you'll get there. I would like to offer you a little something that may increase your chances: If you can train to fail, you'll get there better. That's how we grow our skills and comfort to sit with discomfort. It can help o model that behaviour to ppl around you. Which can equip them to being more comfortably with you. :3 May you walk with more comfort as time goes by, regardless of the inernal and xternal waves of life doing "their thing".
Definitely reach out to mental health professionals if you feel comfortable. So many people see therapist as "intensive" but there are so many kinds of counselors and therapists that you can find one suited to your needs. The pandemic was hard for a lot of people and in some cases their lives changed forever, so there are a lot of people who are just focused on rebuilding themselves, their families, and their lives and anyone not directly involved isn't a priority right now. It's not an excuse for them not to reach out, but it IS a reason.
"people are gonna leave you if you continue being like this", began to push people away so i cant disappoint them and they cant leave me because im stuck in a shitty moment lasting years 👌🏻👌🏻
Real friends won’t leave you, but they have to know what is going on with you. They have to know the reason you stopped calling is your mental health, and not that you simply don’t want to hang out anymore. Try (even if you can’t quite put it into words) to explain your problems to them, so that they know it is not they fault, and will try to help you instead of assuming you lost interest in them. I had mental health problems when I didn’t reach out to anyone, and ghosted the people who were reaching out to me. The people I didn’t tell about my problems needed up being hurt because they thought i just didn’t care about them anymore. ALWAYS TELL THE PEOPLE YOU DONT WANT TO LOSE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS
One of the worst things I ever heard was “You know what I think? I think you’re like this because you *want* to be. I think your just some goth kid who thinks they’ll get attention and special treatment if they wrap everyone around their little finger and convince everyone you’re ‘depressed’ or whatever and maybe you’ll even get drugs out of it. You don’t want help, you want an excuse to be a bad person. My therapy sessions aren’t helping because you WANT to be this way. I don’t want to see you again.” I was 16 in CAMHS (UK child and young peoples mental health service) and she never talked to me about what was actually wrong, she just immediately threw me into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for what she thought was fake depression. Turns out I was living with undiagnosed CPTSD, Autism and ADHD on top of Chronic Depression and Anxiety. And it also turns out CBT (especially without trauma therapy) actually has a negative effect on people with CPTSD and Autism which is why it wasn’t helping. People wonder why, although mental healthcare is free here, there’s such a huge problem with mental health throughout the UK, and it’s because the way they train the child mental health services is they are trained to assume children and teens are lying, and when you go into adult services you can be waiting up to five years to see a therapist who often will have no idea what to do with you if the situation is more complicated than just anxiety or depression. Not to say having just one or both of those things isn’t absolutely horrible, it’s just you’re more likely to receive help if you don’t have further mental health issues to deal with. It took me until the end of last year (after I turned 27), thats 11 years, just to get trauma therapy. And I only got that thanks to the gender clinic after I came out as Non-Binary, which took 5 years to get through to in the first place in itself
I've been depressed so many times in my life, but in 2020-that was the hardest to get through. My friends weren't really there for me, but I wasn't telling them either. I had one friend though who I knew I could text anything to, and while they wouldn't respond right away-knowing they wouldn't be annoyed at me helped. But sometimes, you just don't have friends who will be there for you, and it sucks. I eventually went on meds and that was the right choice. The only thing getting me through that time was my incredible parents and therapist.
Thanks for the video. I'm so sorry for anyone who's gone through being told this by a therapist. How do I get through the feeling of paranoia that no-one likes me? I know I have friends who like me but I just don't get to see them very much but there's this paranoid part of me that thinks that any time when a message is either ignored or not responded to or someone doesn't give me a direct response to me asking to meet up, that they just don't like me, at all, (even though there's no evidence to suggest this), and that, because of this, I therefore don't deserve to be liked.
Most people don't understand what depression is, including those who suffer from it. Depression quite often brings guilt and shame, somehow everything is your fault. So when someone else confirms that lie it can seem like the truth.
To be able to experience extreme grief and know how to let it pass over you until you can come back out is in itself a great skill, it’s this very skill that helps you empathize with others and offer aid to others.
Fairweather friends is right! Out of all the girls I thought were my friends since childhood and High School, only ONE has stuck by me to this day. The rest abandoned me when I started to have some truly awful life circumstances. Some family did, too. Those precious few are the ones you know you have real relationships with, and they are priceless.
Bad enough when you have friends and acquaintances that tell you that they can't be around you. I had a boyfriend who said to me " I can't be your cheerleader". Words can make a depressed person who may have had trauma in the past worse whether spoken by a friend/family, therapist, even a peer support person could further traumatize an individual. I am currently taking a course with Living with Suicide and using PEACE and BARK approaches. I always say I have no friends or use air quotes around the term friends because since my divorce I have had a hard time due to post divorce financial hardship. They avoid me because they cannot hear another hard luck story. Most of these people i have known through a spiritual group which makes me hurt and disappointed. I think between the depression and autism they felt i didn't or couldn't be bothered with them when actually being ultra self conscious about not being able to join them for meals after soical event because I was ashamed I had no money to dine out or go out for drinks/
Sometimes, the only thing gets me out of bed in the morning is the thought that I have two children who depend on me, and sometimes it doesn’t stop the suicidal thoughts and ideation, but I push past because of my kids. Having people that truly depend on me is what helps me. It’s not the best fix, but it’s the only one I have found that works for me.
It's horrible that this was said to someone but the statement it's self is true! Before my depression I had a really good group of friends who I thought would be with me forever. Now nearly 10 yrs later they have all slowly disappeared, one at a time! Now I can say I have one friend and that's it!
Actually that can be related to self sabotage that results from depression. Aka there can be a tendency that depression leads you to feel like you do not deserve them around and then that is what actually leads to htem leaving. Not the depression itself. And that can be a good thing to know, because it's something you can actually train to reduce, by being aware of it. Asides of that, did it ever occcur to you, that people who have no depression also tend to go through changes in friendss groups through various phases in life. :3 Which is again a very challenging way that depression can affect people. When this change is associated with depression, then the sense of helplesness is very big. When you can question that reality by paying attention that it also happens to people without depression, it may reframe things for you and help you re-install your power and hope that it does not have to be this way. Just like it does not have to stay this way for people without depressions. These are offers to have a look at the situation again. Dr.K on HealthyGamer YT said something very interesting: "awareness precedes change" and also "a good dignosis percedes healing" (not 100% sure about the exact last word). If you play with the thought of "What if there are more reasons for this than depression"? and explore that thought, you may find, that you can build something new from a better premise and for it to last regardless of your depression. I hope from my heart that you find something useful in there, so you could "sow seed for your future self" (same person quote). BeAware, there's a trap to feel blame and shame over not having done any better before. Do not stumble. You've got this. Feel the feels if that's what it takes and then whisper to yourself, that you're working 10x more on each step you accomplish, not by choice. Its not your fault. It's in the past. Now, however, you have a choice to eventually gift your self from "3 steps down the road/up the hill" with a slightly better outcome at the time.
I'm at a point with my depression and...long list of temporary problems that I now reach out to my loved ones and tell them that everything is about to get worse for a short time and that I'll be in a funk. I still have no idea how to communicate any needs that they can fulfill to support me...or what needs even are. Thanks, Adaptive Behavioral Assessment! :D
I remember when I was younger, I would just get in a mood where for a day or so, I became unable to enjoy anything and I was unresponsive if anyone tried to interact with me, and I could go to work and do my job but that was about all I could do, and I used to worry that people would decide I was too difficult to be around when I did that and stop being around me, and I expressed this concern to people, and they always took offense that I thought so little of them that I would expect them to do that, and that response always caught me off guard, because in my mind that wouldn't have been a bad thing for them to do to me. I envisioned it as something like self-care that they chose to distance themselves from someone who was difficult to be around, and I don't think I ever adequately communicated this to anyone.
Thank you for the content you put out. I am preparing to be a therapist. In addition to being entertained, I always learn while watching your videos. I laughed at the story about how you got your depressed roommate out of bed 😂 Too good 😂 We all need at least one “obnoxious” friend. They are the most fun.
I have friends who struggle from anxiety and depression and it's a nasty double-whammy, cause if the depression isn't telling you you're worthless and nobody wants to be with you or keeping you too tired to get out of bed, the anxiety is slapping a big sign saying NOPE on the door if you try to leave... so I always invite them to do things and remind them, no pressure if they can't. Because sometimes they can't, and they don't need the added guilt of "if i never say yes, they're eventually going to stop asking". And I try to check in with them a few times a week even if it's just sending them silly bunny photos, webcomics that made me think of them, or links to videos I found amusing. They have helped me deal with my own crap too, by giving me reference points for what's acceptable anxiety (pandemic and lockdowns) or depression (death in the family during pandemic) and when might be time to seek help.
The only person that ever successfully shamed me was a friend, who listened to me go off and went "be real, Emily. You can't talk your way out of this one." Which wasn't even shaming. Just felt that way in my depressed funk. She was right and I couldn't do therapy because of my school and parents, but at least got some Prozac on board. I think any "shaming" beyond that is deeply unconscionable. It only worked because she knew me well. And that, folks, is how I graduated lol ...and it should never, ever, ever, EVER come from anyone who does not have a track record of deep respect for you
What you did for your roommate is so heartwarming. I missed so many classes and exams in college because my parents forced me to live alone by screwing over all my potential roommates. That on top of being forced to go to the college of their choice, which made me physically ill with just how poor of a fit it was for me, also made my depression spiral. My best friend was the kind of rival frenemy who had that kind of energy you love to hate. We'd roughhouse and share dark humor and make people wonder why such polar opposites could be friends. I realize now that it's because we had the same core values (love for animals and ride or die loyalty) and we were both easily amused. I haven't been the same since losing her
Your friends may leave you if you are hurtful to them. They may if you refuse to get treatment. They may if you blame them. They may if you threaten self harm to manipulate their behavior. They may leave if they have their own issues. They may leave if they have personality disorders. They may leave if they struggle with empathy. But I can tell you right now... A real friend will not leave you just because you are struggling inside. I learned that firsthand!
When I was little my Mom had big trouble getting me really for kindergarten or school. Her therapist told her that she should try making space for something like cuddling in the morning. So before we had to get up, she came to me took me to cuddle for half an hour and life became in that aspect a little easier
After a series of heavy losses in my life, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. That helped me prioritize the people I really wanted to spend my time with. I knew who I felt safe with and the people who were willing to sit with me in my depression instead of trying to fix it.
One therapist told me I’m a hard person to love. Lol Or that I make it hard for people to love me. I don’t remember the exact works but that was the gist of it.
I am struggling with depression and I will tell you why. Almost 4 years ago I have had a work accident which caused an injury to my spine. Not highly severe but one that is hard enough to cause me life damages. Everything changed that day. For 3.2 years I was struggling to reach the knife, because I walked like a question mark with a walking cane. And the pain was x10 to x30 stronger than a broken bone before the long awaited surgery. The surgery made me stand straight again and improved or vanished some of the damages. However the pain was doubled from before the surgery. I am almost 10 months after. I can't work duo to special circumstances caused by the injury. Even before I wasn't a very friendly person. After having to live in such a severe pain I am avoiding people. And I hate it when people ask me "How are you doing?" Expecting to hear that everything is good when for me it's not. So I say words like "okay" or "normal" to brush off such a question. The truth is that I never feel good. Even when I smile or laugh behind it there are both mental and physical pain. Because you all know by now that I also deal with PTSD and alone. My life are not easy or fun. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can, but I can't do it all the time. So on one hand there is the mental torment which some I will take with me to the grave. On the other such a severe physical pain from the accident. So I don't know what to do. Listening to music, reading books or keeping myself busy like I said are tools that I use to somewhat relief my stress.
Honestly, if a therapist shamed me like this, it would only serve to encourage me to take my own life, something I was close to doing on multiple occasions this year. I believed that I didn’t deserve my friends anyway and dying would make it better for everyone around me. Sometimes shame has the opposite effect of what is intended.
Sadly, some friends do disconnect during another's depression. I've had some friendships change and some end during my own struggles with grief. It's sad to experience it.
Thank you! I was in a toxic on off relationship with an abusive partner for a few years and had friends talking shit behind my back about how whiny and annoying i was. I think sometimes its hard to balance in these situations
The average person doesn't know how to approach that situation. The most common thought the average person has in that situation is "why don't they leave?" Or "stop getting back together if he/she is toxic". Why? Because it's the logical approach. Problem? Here's a solution. That's like a doctor telling a patient who loves candy" Sugar makes you gain weight? Stop eating it then.". It's not that easy and you don't know the person's reasons behind the love of candy or in your case they didn't know how many strings remain attached even after a temporary "break up" or "break". People sh of uod be allowed to vent but in a safe space where it doesn't get back to the person. I work as mental health counselor and if I couldn't vent about some screwed up situations my clients get themselves into (because obviously in a session I can't say "why the HELL did you do that?" Because it's not how therapists are supposed to counsel), I'd probably go insane. I've personally never been in a romantic relationship with a toxic abusive person, but I had an abusive toxic parent, grandparent, friends, and potential partners that started out as short term friends but showed true colors/red flags before we got serious. So I've seen it from both sides. And I'll say I've never said anything demeaning while venting about a client in private, but it helps to let out the frustration in a safe space.
I don't have clinical depression, luckily, but when I struggle with sadness or feeling hopeless/despondent for just no reason (this only happens every few months for a day or two), I treat my body and brain like a tantruming toddler. I'm patient with myself but I get myself out of bed, I give myself nutricious delicious food, I force myself to go outside and get some gentle exercise, I call a friend or my mom, I rest... It usually helps. Obviously everyone is different and if someone has clinical depression these lifestyle things won't cure them but maybe it could make others feel a little bit better.
I lost my daughter this year. I was not functioning at all and was extremely depressed. The first time I made an appointment for an outing was with my mom and a friend of ours, I was being pushed by my mom. Planning changed that I wasn't included in and my Mom left without me. I basically had a panic attack when that happened. Fast forward a few months, it's the shared friend's birthday and I wasn't invited out to her "party" with her, my mom and their friends. I guess the two hard things I'm dealing with is: number one, this "friend" (who really isn't a friend) lost her husband a few years ago and everyone was at her side for years regarding her loss. So, it makes me really angry, especially because I use to look up to this person. Secondly, that my own mother wouldn't even consider my feelings but leave (again) and go play with these toxic kinds of people. I didn't even know she was going out with them until the night before the event. I don't like being cavalier with friendships or family, but I don't know how to handle such disregard. My thought process is that I just have to accept who are my real friends and put boundaries around my mom. She's also a helicopter parent even though I'm an adult in my 30s. The kind of mom that texts and asks where I'm at every time she knows my schedule (edit: she was like that before I lost my daughter). I don't like it. I don't like being made to feel like I'm a child when I'm an adult, either. Have any advice?
my 2nd therapist said all my friends will leave me because my depression is so toxic. (Edit: she said this at our 2 or 3 session) In a way she was right. But this made me pull away from people and not talk to people. If i was talked to i would freak out. My friends saw through the "im fines" but when I said they truth they hurt me then left me. I was at a loss for so long. What finally helped me not blame myself was realizing them leaving was a them problem and not a me problem. They were not right for my life at that moment in time. Its been a long road but things are looking up. I have a couple really good friends who care about me. Those who care and love you wont leave you!
in my case when I'm having a depression episode, usually I draw or write. . at my lowest state, I'd play the saddest ot the lightest movie there is... just to help me feel something
The worst thing my former therapist said was not in therapy session, but a comment I read by accident. I was on a social media platform like reddit and I saw a picture with text saying "We live in a world where the most compassion comes from a person who wants to f*ck you". And I saw my therapist's comment under it: "Psychotherapist enters the chat". It felt like I got punched in my stomach. I always felt something sexual interest coming from him but he told me it was just my projection. I was seeing him for about a year and a half then, and I fired him the next session. But the pain is still with me.
Expectations.... That is a scary word. One take is something I can never live up to. The other way to see it it's something I am strictly forbidden from voicing. I've have had numerous falling outs become the other party didn't do what I thought we had agreed to, without telling me. I crossed the line by asking for a text if there was a change of plans.
Second question: if someone in my life is depressed and adopts some toxic behavior like drinking to much, self harming, toxic relationships, and that triggers me because of my past of selfharming and shitty relationships, how can I go along with it and just be there for them while it hurts me so much seeing them in that position? I want to be there but it hurts. What can I do?
That is a SUPER difficult situation. I would follow the Decker’s advice of being very honest about it. Tell the person you want to be there for them, but you can’t be when they are involved in triggering behaviours. You can also share with them, if they let you, what helped you when you were in their position. Your pain may actually qualify you to be a better help to them. But you are always allowed to have your own boundaries. It’s kind of the same principle as living with an alcoholic: maybe they drink to suppress memories of childhood abuse, so you feel compassion for them, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with abusive behaviours from them.
@@theladyamalthea thank you so much for your advice. I try my best to accept that I cannot do the "click" for that person and I will try my best to stay with my friend and set my boundaries at the same time. Unfortunately I have to say that this thing mined our relation a lot. But I hope I will be able to help. Even just a little bit.
It’s tough as hell to have friends like Eeyore has that invite you to things, and what not. It’s tough making friends in general, I’ve met only evil, narcissistic people thread past couple months
I have a few friends who come over every week and don't judge me for having depression... I never really had friends who would support me through anything before, I made some literally in the nick of time
Eugh. This just makes me realize how my friends weren't actually my friends. I was going through a rough time - grandma passed after a battle with cancer, cat was hit by a car (but recovered, though I wasn't sure he would at the time), marriage was going haywire, and work started sucking pretty badly. I wasn't clinically depressed, but I certainly wasn't in any mood to take any additional shit. My 'friends' started being pretty cruel to me, calling me crazy, making fun of my TBI, among other things and I kept telling them that I really wasn't in a place for that to be appreciated or appropriate. *Then* they told me how abusive I was as a friend because I would sometimes talk about the issues I was having and asked them to cut out the 'jokes'. If you can't tell, I'm still really pissed about being kicked while I was down, but without it, I would have never gotten out of my abusive marriage. So jokes on them, I guess?
so I struggle with depression, and the thing that seems to always help me. is my big sister, she will send me snapchat messages of her singing some random song. and she wont stop till i sing back at her, the songs we sing are usually Disney, Broadway, and from time to time on end opera. yes it is the norm to walk around our house singing, whatever you want at the top of lunges.
I absolutely know that when you said "instead of shaming, just communicate that you are not sure how to help" you were just trying to say the truth and be constructive but, when my therapist said that to me, when i was in a very stuck and dark place, I felt kinda hopeless. What do you think about that? How would you communicate to a person that you are struggling helping them without maling them feel like they cannot be helped?
I feel like this and quite a few of the other $h^tTherapistsSay topics could be vastly taken out of context. Yes, this one sounds really horrible if the therapist just came out bluntly and said this. However, I could see this as part of a larger discussion on reasons and motivations to fight and overcome the depression. I have a very open-minded therapist and during our goals discussion we did explore if not doing anything could be the way to go, and brainstormed some pros and cons. And yes, your friends leaving you after years of you barely talking to them or never visiting is a very, very real possibility.
Therapist- "if you keep being depressed and stuck in your C-PTSD bullshit you'll never have any Friends and people won't want to be around you" My hardcore self-isolation tendencies- *I see this as an absolute win*
I interned in an outpatient clinic and I co-ran a depression group with adults. We had some people that were responsive to therapy and took their meds and were thriving and there were others who would skip their meds and then complain about how their lives sucked (partly due to them not taking their meds which allowed their thoughts to bring them to that severe level of thinking, because they were fine when they DID take their meds). Things is, with those kinds of clients, they're more than likely never going to be able to be independent and they will continuously be rehospitalized indefinitely (mainly due to being unable to keep a job or care for themselves without taking their meds which they're unable able to do consistently in the halfway/residential house many of these people lived in where mental health people were available if needed and there was a weaning support system with the end goal to help get people learning to live independently, but a lot of people would get scared when they got closer to being independent and would relapse to restart the cycle so they never had to live on their own. Those kinds of clients are exhausting (and also why I never went into adult counseling once I graduated with my master's) and I knew what my limit was for what age and type of client I could personally handle. I work with kids, specifically teens in a school now and that's my jam. Knowing your limits, your biases, and what your absolute "never" type of client is key to being an aware and efficient counselor. At the end of the day counselors are human too and we get annoyed and have different tolerances for certain behaviors and habits, and it's our job to recognize that and either find a way to support the person or refer them to someone who would be more productive in helping them. No shame in that unless it has to do with their demographics, then that's shameful.
There is definitely a difference between “hardy encouragement” and shaming someone to “be better.” Some people prefer the “yell at me if I’m not measuring up because I need the reminder to do better,” but that’s not helpful for everyone and especially not all the time. Shaming them for “not measuring up might spark motivation, but it carries scars with it. We often have enough trouble ignoring negativity from our own brains; we don’t need the external shame piled on top. Thank you so much for this discussion, especially on the shame issue. I know some people who really need to hear your thoughts.
I wish I could say there is no truth to this, but unfortunately there is. Some people can't handle having a friend that's really depressed ... Maybe the therapist didn't mean it as shaming, but rather preparing them for what may happen, so they don't fall over the edge when it does
No one should blame a person for being depressed. It's if that person blames others for their depression, or for not helping all the time, or seems to need to spread misery. I have a friend who does that. The world is terrible and he has to tell everyone. Good news isn't a thing for him. He also blames me every time he has trouble with something. Apparently I'm mentally healthy so it's my job to stay calm and help. I cry all night sometimes just because and have some very intense highs and lows if I don't manage myself carefully. He fries my brain almost weekly and turns down any suggestions for emotional regulation that I use my as someone with ADHD. All he's willing to do is take medication and blame either them or me when they don't work. We're probably going to be friends for the rest of our lives, but I'm moving away. I have to see how much of my mental health issues is me and how much is me matching him.
My question is though: how long and how often should I be around someone who is depressed and down-talking themselves constantly? I'm an empath so I pick up on their feelings very easily. I want to be their friend, but I don't want to ruin myself at the same time. Is that selfish? Probably, but I like being happy.
One thing that helps me with my depression is taking melatonin daily. Not letting myself lay in bed all day. And then finding someone who I trust who I can just rant to.
I actually had this said by a friend (or who I thought was my friend but obviously isnt). She made me feel so guilty even tho she knows Im struggling: I have untreated ADHD, both my parents have terminal cancer and I had my heart broken recently. She had zero empathy and kept telling me its all in my head and I need to be more cheerful or people will avoid me...
Every Friend I have ever had but one has left has soon as I told them I had issues This is very wrong to say in therapy because likely its not the only place they have heard it. I just had a discussion like this I need my weekend group its the only human interaction I get all week I've tried many ways to make and keep friends but it doesn't work. I told them how I saw things and what I needed but to get that I'm expected to wear a mask and be happy to stop talking about anything sad. No one has stayed the sad thing is any glimpse of maybe having a friend breaks me right out of depression. I had a great one in collage and even though sometimes I starved I was that broke I was truly happy. I just need people in my life to care.
So my boyfriend and I have been having talks about “formalizing the relationship” because we are looking to move abroad hoping for a better quality of life, and we’ve been touching some subjects that I’d love to see in your channel. How to do finance as a couple, raising children, what is expected out of married life and how to manage a household as a team. I know it is different in every relationship, but I would love to hear what you think about this subjects since you’re a psychologist, and well.. you’re married
I used to have a friend (now false friend) who would exactly tell me these words. She literally ghosted me, left me behind and ignored me and shrugged all my apologies off after I tried to explain myself why I am even like that (depressed or whatever). Can you believe that? She has this mentality Change or GTFO. (Its worse than that, trust me..) And it damaged me so bad I still have all these scars left behind on my soul... Because of this I do not trust people. not like I havent trusted them at all before this but daaamn.
Actually, this thing with lights doesn't work at all with me, it sets me grumpy for all day long, I hate this... But I saw your point. Unless, when I feel depressed, I don't really know what I expect from anyone. Everything I want in that time is for someone to end it all for me. And that means the worst thing. How to know what makes us feel better in the good way whenever we're feeling down?
Does anyone know how I can avoid these kinds of therapists? I have a lot of trauma that I got from growing up with mentally abusive parents. I want to see a therapist for it but I'm scared that they might say something in this series and make my problems worse. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.
Me: *reads title* Me: *so much pain* To anyone who would ever say this to someone- seek help immediately because you have no right to be in any sort of relationship if you’re the kind of person who would ever say this.
worst thing i dealt with in my local health services. i pushed for a proper diagnosis, meh we're not sure cos autism is difficult to diagnose in an adult. but go see these autism charities and i think you will benefiit from further mental health stuff. goes back to the previous mental health department... yeah youve exhausted our skills and experience, please go away now.....
Well. I wasn't planning on commenting, but since you asked... I have severe clinical depression. (Or, apparently, bipolar disorder, and depression is just the most frequent and severe symptom.) I have a lot of coping strategies, developed over years of practice, and help from therapists, doctors, and more recently, even sincere friends who don't just associate with me out of convenience. I... don't know that I can go into all of my learning and strategies in great detail here. I actually once wrote a long blog post to share with friends, which I called, "You vs. Your Friend's Depression - A Beginner's Guide." (Unfortunately, I wrote it on Facebook's Notes app, which is no longer a thing. I'm sure I have a saved copy somewhere. I could share a link once I find/make an available copy.) I wrote that post after I'd just had a very long and difficult night, struggling with unwelcome thoughts of suicide. I decided I needed to have that talk with anyone who considered me their friend, to let them know what I was always going through, what to expect of my needs and abilities, and how to do a better job at being comforting and helpful. What I wrote in that post was based on my own experience, and things that psychologists had shared with me. I was well-aware that I'm not a licensed psychologist or anything, and I wanted it to be clear that I was just speaking from my own experience and understanding. But to have watched this video today, and hearing so many things that sound just like what I shared in that post, this is a relief. It feels validating to know that what I shared about my own experience actually is applicable to most people. So, thank you for sharing this. *** Oh, but I will share one of my coping strategies: I play trumpet. That's an amazing mental health help. To start with, there's scientific research about how playing music is one of the most stimulating activities to several parts of the brain at the same time. That's really good for helping to remove yourself from painful, destructive cycles of thought. As well, I've recently learned about how the Vagus nerve works. When it's stimulated by certain pressure, it causes the brain to emit a feeling of well-being. I was taught three techniques to stimulate that nerve: 1) meditation breathing - any form of slow, deep breathing, 2) briefly plugging your nose and mouth while trying to exhale - the same thing you do to make your ears pop, 3) humming/singing/vibrating your torso in some way - much like how cats can purr to make their bodies heal from stress or pain more quickly. It so happens that playing a wind instrument, brass instruments especially, causes you to do all three of those things at the same time. So, I find that deeply helpful. I hope it's ok of me to offer a recommendation: If you struggle with depression, and you don't play any musical instruments, I encourage you to pick one up and try it out. Never mind how good or bad you think you are, or what musical talent you think you don't have; just give it a try. It can help you. And if you're looking for inexpensive options, instruments like harmonica, recorder, tin whistle, wooden flute, [some forms of] ocarina, and kazoo, can reasonably be bought for $10 or less. Or even cheaper, practicing singing, or using certain phone/tablet music apps (like Garageband) weigh in at the wonderful price of "free." So, yeah. There's my one suggestion for today, unless I can find that old blog post again. Good luck, fellow sufferers. If you find yourself in the bottom of a dark well someday, I'll try to cheer you on from whatever well I'm stuck in. Maybe I'll find a tunnel, even. Reveille
I'm so sorry. He's not learned his social skill very well, yet, did he? :\ You did that better though, cause you could recognis that something in doing this is not OK. It's a very undestestimated step in life that a lot of people stumble over.
I’ve been shamed a lot for my mental health (not from a Therapist through), so that really hits home for me.😅🥲 Thanks for the video, that totally made my day.
My father was a vicar with special training in counseling/helping through crisis. (Which he never wasted on me. That was for his adoring congregation who would gush over his compassion)
I refurbished my kitchen and was hit my one of the worst depressions I've ever had. I didn't drink water for two days to avoid the long trek to the bathroom... I had to go every 10/12 hour and when I was up I did go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee with milk.
Father came to help me organise the kitchen and turned on his upbeat think happy thoughts attitude. With the normal side serving of "I need praise"
"I should do... Don't you think? Isn't that a great idea? "
When I told my therapist about that she insisted on a role play for me to understand his feelings so I could be more supportive next time.
I reminded her that I had been bedridden for two days not getting much nutrition. I said that for once I didn't think I could be expected to "put myself aside and take one for the team" (One of mother's favourite lectures)
Also I have been starved for positive feedback all my life and when I was that ill I didn't have the energy to give father what he had denied me all my life.
She became stern and told me "You are no longer a child! You have to learn to step up and meet your parents as an equal! Do not expect them to continue to baby you!"
(I don't think they ever babyed me, as far back as I can remember my minor injuries like a skinned knee annoyed mother because of the hassle of cleaning it. I have no recollection of coming home upset about something without being told off for loads of negative character traits and sent to my room to reflect of the errors of my ways)
For anyone who needs to hear this:
I have been DEEPLY depressed, at several points, to the point that I don't leave my room for weeks. During those periods, my friends stuck by me - even though my depression sucked. They came to me, they kept inviting me to things, they texted etc etc etc
You are not unlovable because of depression. Depression will not cause people who love you to suddenly bail! You are worth loving and being friends with
I am trying to see it your way.
But I come from a family system where I was kinda assign the short end of the stick.
Mother suffers from depression and when she lashes out I have to suck it up otherwise I prove my lack of empathy.
Any hint of my mental health problems is a big no no because this will make her feel guilty for failing me and add to her depression.
Just tensions in my shoulders will have me banned from her presence because of the added stress.
I'm mostly tolerateble when I smile and keep my mouth shut.
(I've gone low contact)
@@lilletrille1892 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! That's really unfair parenting, and I would say low contact is an absolutely good choice for you. It's always possible to find your people later on! The friends you make now can be your support system
I had to stop listening because friends leaving me when i expressed my battles with suicidal depression is something that left me deeply traumatized, and hearing these descriptions put me in tears. Thank you for creating this content and pointing out how to draw boundaries while still being supportive
Boundaries are definitely important for all parties when a person with significant mental health is involved. I work with teens and a lot of them "trauma bond" and while it's productive in some ways it can turn toxic VERY quickly if they don't set boundaries. Most of them are also in therapy which helps considerably because while close friends are supportive, mental health can really only be treated by professionals. Friends trying to be therapists , or mental health friends relying on their friends and family in lieu of therapy isn't healthy either. It takes a lot of effort and awareness on all sides, though, of what's the healthiest for everyone involved. Too often non therapist friends and family get over involved (due to lack of training/knowledge) and they end up burning out and the friendship/relationship becomes strained.
I’m so sorry 😢to hear that. My family kidked😢me out when I had severe depression. Unfortunately I can relate. It’s been more than. 12 years now and I’m doing extremely well, without my family.
That story of the father was very similar to part of my relationship with my father. I had a love/hate relationship with him. But for years I felt “bullied” at home around both my weight and work ethic. One day as an adult he told me he was proud, but he said i wanted you to succeed even if meant hating me.
As an adult and years after my father passed , I still have the “I’m not working hard enough”, “ I am not worthy as I’m over weight”. As my inner voice of my father. Yet I know I’m a workaholic and go my weight goes up and down and the worthlessness keeps me away from relationship.
So even if you do succeed in life as far as the parent is concerned, that child carries those messages through their life. Everyday I have to tell myself I am enough. Some days I believe, some days the father voice wins.
The eeyore model for looking after someone with depression is absolutely perfect
I needed this. Depression is no joke.
Omg, that’s exactly what my grandma told me about my depression. She told me that if I continue to be sad all the time my boyfriend is going to get bored and leave me. It made me feel like i some kind of clown to make other people happy.
The fact is I have lost friends through both disabling physical illness & mental ill health. It was hurtful, but the people who left when I wasn’t just wasn’t able to do “fun” stuff anymore - due to disability, depression, even depleted financial means - well, they can just keep walking as far as I’m concerned. I’m depressed but I still have some self respect.
That's what relatives have been echoing ever since I fell into depression. I fully believe everything you said. I really do. But the thing is , it's so hard for me to accept. I see others have genuine friendships despite their health difficulties. But because in this past 2 years, pretty much all my friends left me except 1 who texts randomly. Well, most of my friends and I grew apart. But many other friends just exposed their true colours, and made my realise how toxic my friends are. Now I've built so many walls based on lack of trust. I want to heal, and slowly take that wall down brick by brick. Ideally - make the wall easier to climb over or something I dont know. Watching people having amazing friendships on the internet gives me hope, and watching Cinema therapy kinda keeps me alive.
That sounds awful, and I'm so sorry you went through that
You've gone quite an amazing journey and have set yourself up for positive change down the road. I hope you take the time to properly acknowledge the way you walked this far. It's not a little! And it tends to indicate good chances that you'll get there.
I would like to offer you a little something that may increase your chances: If you can train to fail, you'll get there better. That's how we grow our skills and comfort to sit with discomfort. It can help o model that behaviour to ppl around you. Which can equip them to being more comfortably with you. :3 May you walk with more comfort as time goes by, regardless of the inernal and xternal waves of life doing "their thing".
I hope you can heal friend, and I hope you can take those walls down gradually
Definitely reach out to mental health professionals if you feel comfortable. So many people see therapist as "intensive" but there are so many kinds of counselors and therapists that you can find one suited to your needs. The pandemic was hard for a lot of people and in some cases their lives changed forever, so there are a lot of people who are just focused on rebuilding themselves, their families, and their lives and anyone not directly involved isn't a priority right now. It's not an excuse for them not to reach out, but it IS a reason.
My mom literally told me that no one would love a depressed f****t like me. But now I have friends so who knows
"people are gonna leave you if you continue being like this", began to push people away so i cant disappoint them and they cant leave me because im stuck in a shitty moment lasting years 👌🏻👌🏻
Real friends won’t leave you, but they have to know what is going on with you. They have to know the reason you stopped calling is your mental health, and not that you simply don’t want to hang out anymore. Try (even if you can’t quite put it into words) to explain your problems to them, so that they know it is not they fault, and will try to help you instead of assuming you lost interest in them. I had mental health problems when I didn’t reach out to anyone, and ghosted the people who were reaching out to me. The people I didn’t tell about my problems needed up being hurt because they thought i just didn’t care about them anymore. ALWAYS TELL THE PEOPLE YOU DONT WANT TO LOSE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS
One of the worst things I ever heard was “You know what I think? I think you’re like this because you *want* to be. I think your just some goth kid who thinks they’ll get attention and special treatment if they wrap everyone around their little finger and convince everyone you’re ‘depressed’ or whatever and maybe you’ll even get drugs out of it. You don’t want help, you want an excuse to be a bad person. My therapy sessions aren’t helping because you WANT to be this way. I don’t want to see you again.”
I was 16 in CAMHS (UK child and young peoples mental health service) and she never talked to me about what was actually wrong, she just immediately threw me into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for what she thought was fake depression. Turns out I was living with undiagnosed CPTSD, Autism and ADHD on top of Chronic Depression and Anxiety. And it also turns out CBT (especially without trauma therapy) actually has a negative effect on people with CPTSD and Autism which is why it wasn’t helping. People wonder why, although mental healthcare is free here, there’s such a huge problem with mental health throughout the UK, and it’s because the way they train the child mental health services is they are trained to assume children and teens are lying, and when you go into adult services you can be waiting up to five years to see a therapist who often will have no idea what to do with you if the situation is more complicated than just anxiety or depression. Not to say having just one or both of those things isn’t absolutely horrible, it’s just you’re more likely to receive help if you don’t have further mental health issues to deal with. It took me until the end of last year (after I turned 27), thats 11 years, just to get trauma therapy. And I only got that thanks to the gender clinic after I came out as Non-Binary, which took 5 years to get through to in the first place in itself
Friends are gone. Bad advice too. Problems solved. Worked for me!!!
I've been depressed so many times in my life, but in 2020-that was the hardest to get through. My friends weren't really there for me, but I wasn't telling them either. I had one friend though who I knew I could text anything to, and while they wouldn't respond right away-knowing they wouldn't be annoyed at me helped. But sometimes, you just don't have friends who will be there for you, and it sucks. I eventually went on meds and that was the right choice. The only thing getting me through that time was my incredible parents and therapist.
Thanks for the video.
I'm so sorry for anyone who's gone through being told this by a therapist.
How do I get through the feeling of paranoia that no-one likes me? I know I have friends who like me but I just don't get to see them very much but there's this paranoid part of me that thinks that any time when a message is either ignored or not responded to or someone doesn't give me a direct response to me asking to meet up, that they just don't like me, at all, (even though there's no evidence to suggest this), and that, because of this, I therefore don't deserve to be liked.
I feel this._.
I remember being in that zone. It was so uncomfortable and I felt so insecure.
Most people don't understand what depression is, including those who suffer from it. Depression quite often brings guilt and shame, somehow everything is your fault. So when someone else confirms that lie it can seem like the truth.
To be able to experience extreme grief and know how to let it pass over you until you can come back out is in itself a great skill, it’s this very skill that helps you empathize with others and offer aid to others.
Fairweather friends is right! Out of all the girls I thought were my friends since childhood and High School, only ONE has stuck by me to this day. The rest abandoned me when I started to have some truly awful life circumstances. Some family did, too. Those precious few are the ones you know you have real relationships with, and they are priceless.
Bad enough when you have friends and acquaintances that tell you that they can't be around you. I had a boyfriend who said to me " I can't be your cheerleader". Words can make a depressed person who may have had trauma in the past worse whether spoken by a friend/family, therapist, even a peer support person could further traumatize an individual. I am currently taking a course with Living with Suicide and using PEACE and BARK approaches. I always say I have no friends or use air quotes around the term friends because since my divorce I have had a hard time due to post divorce financial hardship. They avoid me because they cannot hear another hard luck story. Most of these people i have known through a spiritual group which makes me hurt and disappointed. I think between the depression and autism they felt i didn't or couldn't be bothered with them when actually being ultra self conscious about not being able to join them for meals after soical event because I was ashamed I had no money to dine out or go out for drinks/
Sometimes, the only thing gets me out of bed in the morning is the thought that I have two children who depend on me, and sometimes it doesn’t stop the suicidal thoughts and ideation, but I push past because of my kids. Having people that truly depend on me is what helps me. It’s not the best fix, but it’s the only one I have found that works for me.
It's horrible that this was said to someone but the statement it's self is true! Before my depression I had a really good group of friends who I thought would be with me forever. Now nearly 10 yrs later they have all slowly disappeared, one at a time! Now I can say I have one friend and that's it!
Actually that can be related to self sabotage that results from depression. Aka there can be a tendency that depression leads you to feel like you do not deserve them around and then that is what actually leads to htem leaving. Not the depression itself. And that can be a good thing to know, because it's something you can actually train to reduce, by being aware of it.
Asides of that, did it ever occcur to you, that people who have no depression also tend to go through changes in friendss groups through various phases in life. :3 Which is again a very challenging way that depression can affect people. When this change is associated with depression, then the sense of helplesness is very big. When you can question that reality by paying attention that it also happens to people without depression, it may reframe things for you and help you re-install your power and hope that it does not have to be this way. Just like it does not have to stay this way for people without depressions.
These are offers to have a look at the situation again. Dr.K on HealthyGamer YT said something very interesting: "awareness precedes change" and also "a good dignosis percedes healing" (not 100% sure about the exact last word). If you play with the thought of "What if there are more reasons for this than depression"? and explore that thought, you may find, that you can build something new from a better premise and for it to last regardless of your depression.
I hope from my heart that you find something useful in there, so you could "sow seed for your future self" (same person quote). BeAware, there's a trap to feel blame and shame over not having done any better before. Do not stumble. You've got this. Feel the feels if that's what it takes and then whisper to yourself, that you're working 10x more on each step you accomplish, not by choice. Its not your fault. It's in the past. Now, however, you have a choice to eventually gift your self from "3 steps down the road/up the hill" with a slightly better outcome at the time.
I'm at a point with my depression and...long list of temporary problems that I now reach out to my loved ones and tell them that everything is about to get worse for a short time and that I'll be in a funk.
I still have no idea how to communicate any needs that they can fulfill to support me...or what needs even are. Thanks, Adaptive Behavioral Assessment! :D
I remember when I was younger, I would just get in a mood where for a day or so, I became unable to enjoy anything and I was unresponsive if anyone tried to interact with me, and I could go to work and do my job but that was about all I could do, and I used to worry that people would decide I was too difficult to be around when I did that and stop being around me, and I expressed this concern to people, and they always took offense that I thought so little of them that I would expect them to do that, and that response always caught me off guard, because in my mind that wouldn't have been a bad thing for them to do to me. I envisioned it as something like self-care that they chose to distance themselves from someone who was difficult to be around, and I don't think I ever adequately communicated this to anyone.
Thank you for the content you put out. I am preparing to be a therapist. In addition to being entertained, I always learn while watching your videos.
I laughed at the story about how you got your depressed roommate out of bed 😂 Too good 😂 We all need at least one “obnoxious” friend. They are the most fun.
I have friends who struggle from anxiety and depression and it's a nasty double-whammy, cause if the depression isn't telling you you're worthless and nobody wants to be with you or keeping you too tired to get out of bed, the anxiety is slapping a big sign saying NOPE on the door if you try to leave... so I always invite them to do things and remind them, no pressure if they can't. Because sometimes they can't, and they don't need the added guilt of "if i never say yes, they're eventually going to stop asking". And I try to check in with them a few times a week even if it's just sending them silly bunny photos, webcomics that made me think of them, or links to videos I found amusing. They have helped me deal with my own crap too, by giving me reference points for what's acceptable anxiety (pandemic and lockdowns) or depression (death in the family during pandemic) and when might be time to seek help.
The only person that ever successfully shamed me was a friend, who listened to me go off and went "be real, Emily. You can't talk your way out of this one."
Which wasn't even shaming. Just felt that way in my depressed funk.
She was right and I couldn't do therapy because of my school and parents, but at least got some Prozac on board.
I think any "shaming" beyond that is deeply unconscionable. It only worked because she knew me well.
And that, folks, is how I graduated lol
...and it should never, ever, ever, EVER come from anyone who does not have a track record of deep respect for you
What you did for your roommate is so heartwarming. I missed so many classes and exams in college because my parents forced me to live alone by screwing over all my potential roommates. That on top of being forced to go to the college of their choice, which made me physically ill with just how poor of a fit it was for me, also made my depression spiral. My best friend was the kind of rival frenemy who had that kind of energy you love to hate. We'd roughhouse and share dark humor and make people wonder why such polar opposites could be friends. I realize now that it's because we had the same core values (love for animals and ride or die loyalty) and we were both easily amused. I haven't been the same since losing her
I've heard all the things from the beginning of the video from other people, but I'm glad I lucked out by finding a great therapist on my first try 😄
Your friends may leave you if you are hurtful to them. They may if you refuse to get treatment. They may if you blame them. They may if you threaten self harm to manipulate their behavior.
They may leave if they have their own issues. They may leave if they have personality disorders. They may leave if they struggle with empathy.
But I can tell you right now... A real friend will not leave you just because you are struggling inside.
I learned that firsthand!
When I was little my Mom had big trouble getting me really for kindergarten or school. Her therapist told her that she should try making space for something like cuddling in the morning. So before we had to get up, she came to me took me to cuddle for half an hour and life became in that aspect a little easier
After a series of heavy losses in my life, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. That helped me prioritize the people I really wanted to spend my time with. I knew who I felt safe with and the people who were willing to sit with me in my depression instead of trying to fix it.
One therapist told me I’m a hard person to love. Lol
Or that I make it hard for people to love me.
I don’t remember the exact works but that was the gist of it.
You don't know how much I needed to hear this right now. Thank you.
I am struggling with depression and I will tell you why. Almost 4 years ago I have had a work accident which caused an injury to my spine. Not highly severe but one that is hard enough to cause me life damages. Everything changed that day. For 3.2 years I was struggling to reach the knife, because I walked like a question mark with a walking cane. And the pain was x10 to x30 stronger than a broken bone before the long awaited surgery. The surgery made me stand straight again and improved or vanished some of the damages. However the pain was doubled from before the surgery. I am almost 10 months after. I can't work duo to special circumstances caused by the injury. Even before I wasn't a very friendly person. After having to live in such a severe pain I am avoiding people. And I hate it when people ask me "How are you doing?" Expecting to hear that everything is good when for me it's not. So I say words like "okay" or "normal" to brush off such a question. The truth is that I never feel good. Even when I smile or laugh behind it there are both mental and physical pain. Because you all know by now that I also deal with PTSD and alone. My life are not easy or fun. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can, but I can't do it all the time. So on one hand there is the mental torment which some I will take with me to the grave. On the other such a severe physical pain from the accident. So I don't know what to do. Listening to music, reading books or keeping myself busy like I said are tools that I use to somewhat relief my stress.
Funny, mine did. Not before gaslighting me though, trying to make me believe that I’m over exaggerating.
Honestly, if a therapist shamed me like this, it would only serve to encourage me to take my own life, something I was close to doing on multiple occasions this year.
I believed that I didn’t deserve my friends anyway and dying would make it better for everyone around me. Sometimes shame has the opposite effect of what is intended.
Sadly, some friends do disconnect during another's depression. I've had some friendships change and some end during my own struggles with grief. It's sad to experience it.
"Just stay out of your room so you can socialize."
Thank you! I was in a toxic on off relationship with an abusive partner for a few years and had friends talking shit behind my back about how whiny and annoying i was. I think sometimes its hard to balance in these situations
The average person doesn't know how to approach that situation. The most common thought the average person has in that situation is "why don't they leave?" Or "stop getting back together if he/she is toxic". Why? Because it's the logical approach. Problem? Here's a solution. That's like a doctor telling a patient who loves candy" Sugar makes you gain weight? Stop eating it then.". It's not that easy and you don't know the person's reasons behind the love of candy or in your case they didn't know how many strings remain attached even after a temporary "break up" or "break". People sh of uod be allowed to vent but in a safe space where it doesn't get back to the person. I work as mental health counselor and if I couldn't vent about some screwed up situations my clients get themselves into (because obviously in a session I can't say "why the HELL did you do that?" Because it's not how therapists are supposed to counsel), I'd probably go insane. I've personally never been in a romantic relationship with a toxic abusive person, but I had an abusive toxic parent, grandparent, friends, and potential partners that started out as short term friends but showed true colors/red flags before we got serious. So I've seen it from both sides. And I'll say I've never said anything demeaning while venting about a client in private, but it helps to let out the frustration in a safe space.
I don't have clinical depression, luckily, but when I struggle with sadness or feeling hopeless/despondent for just no reason (this only happens every few months for a day or two), I treat my body and brain like a tantruming toddler. I'm patient with myself but I get myself out of bed, I give myself nutricious delicious food, I force myself to go outside and get some gentle exercise, I call a friend or my mom, I rest... It usually helps. Obviously everyone is different and if someone has clinical depression these lifestyle things won't cure them but maybe it could make others feel a little bit better.
I lost my daughter this year. I was not functioning at all and was extremely depressed. The first time I made an appointment for an outing was with my mom and a friend of ours, I was being pushed by my mom. Planning changed that I wasn't included in and my Mom left without me. I basically had a panic attack when that happened. Fast forward a few months, it's the shared friend's birthday and I wasn't invited out to her "party" with her, my mom and their friends. I guess the two hard things I'm dealing with is: number one, this "friend" (who really isn't a friend) lost her husband a few years ago and everyone was at her side for years regarding her loss. So, it makes me really angry, especially because I use to look up to this person. Secondly, that my own mother wouldn't even consider my feelings but leave (again) and go play with these toxic kinds of people. I didn't even know she was going out with them until the night before the event.
I don't like being cavalier with friendships or family, but I don't know how to handle such disregard. My thought process is that I just have to accept who are my real friends and put boundaries around my mom. She's also a helicopter parent even though I'm an adult in my 30s. The kind of mom that texts and asks where I'm at every time she knows my schedule (edit: she was like that before I lost my daughter). I don't like it. I don't like being made to feel like I'm a child when I'm an adult, either. Have any advice?
my 2nd therapist said all my friends will leave me because my depression is so toxic. (Edit: she said this at our 2 or 3 session) In a way she was right. But this made me pull away from people and not talk to people. If i was talked to i would freak out. My friends saw through the "im fines" but when I said they truth they hurt me then left me. I was at a loss for so long. What finally helped me not blame myself was realizing them leaving was a them problem and not a me problem. They were not right for my life at that moment in time. Its been a long road but things are looking up. I have a couple really good friends who care about me. Those who care and love you wont leave you!
in my case when I'm having a depression episode, usually I draw or write. . at my lowest state, I'd play the saddest ot the lightest movie there is... just to help me feel something
The worst thing my former therapist said was not in therapy session, but a comment I read by accident. I was on a social media platform like reddit and I saw a picture with text saying "We live in a world where the most compassion comes from a person who wants to f*ck you". And I saw my therapist's comment under it: "Psychotherapist enters the chat". It felt like I got punched in my stomach. I always felt something sexual interest coming from him but he told me it was just my projection. I was seeing him for about a year and a half then, and I fired him the next session. But the pain is still with me.
For those of us who have depression, it is our biggest fear/and lie that our brain tells us, is that no one loves us or wants to be around us.
Expectations....
That is a scary word.
One take is something I can never live up to.
The other way to see it it's something I am strictly forbidden from voicing.
I've have had numerous falling outs become the other party didn't do what I thought we had agreed to, without telling me. I crossed the line by asking for a text if there was a change of plans.
this is one of my biggest fears, I've been on and off depressed and I think my friends are starting to get fed up by it
Second question: if someone in my life is depressed and adopts some toxic behavior like drinking to much, self harming, toxic relationships, and that triggers me because of my past of selfharming and shitty relationships, how can I go along with it and just be there for them while it hurts me so much seeing them in that position? I want to be there but it hurts. What can I do?
That is a SUPER difficult situation. I would follow the Decker’s advice of being very honest about it. Tell the person you want to be there for them, but you can’t be when they are involved in triggering behaviours. You can also share with them, if they let you, what helped you when you were in their position. Your pain may actually qualify you to be a better help to them. But you are always allowed to have your own boundaries. It’s kind of the same principle as living with an alcoholic: maybe they drink to suppress memories of childhood abuse, so you feel compassion for them, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with abusive behaviours from them.
@@theladyamalthea thank you so much for your advice. I try my best to accept that I cannot do the "click" for that person and I will try my best to stay with my friend and set my boundaries at the same time. Unfortunately I have to say that this thing mined our relation a lot. But I hope I will be able to help. Even just a little bit.
My culture and art moves me through to the other side of it
It’s tough as hell to have friends like Eeyore has that invite you to things, and what not. It’s tough making friends in general, I’ve met only evil, narcissistic people thread past couple months
I have a few friends who come over every week and don't judge me for having depression... I never really had friends who would support me through anything before, I made some literally in the nick of time
Eugh. This just makes me realize how my friends weren't actually my friends. I was going through a rough time - grandma passed after a battle with cancer, cat was hit by a car (but recovered, though I wasn't sure he would at the time), marriage was going haywire, and work started sucking pretty badly. I wasn't clinically depressed, but I certainly wasn't in any mood to take any additional shit. My 'friends' started being pretty cruel to me, calling me crazy, making fun of my TBI, among other things and I kept telling them that I really wasn't in a place for that to be appreciated or appropriate. *Then* they told me how abusive I was as a friend because I would sometimes talk about the issues I was having and asked them to cut out the 'jokes'. If you can't tell, I'm still really pissed about being kicked while I was down, but without it, I would have never gotten out of my abusive marriage. So jokes on them, I guess?
so I struggle with depression, and the thing that seems to always help me. is my big sister, she will send me snapchat messages of her singing some random song. and she wont stop till i sing back at her, the songs we sing are usually Disney, Broadway, and from time to time on end opera. yes it is the norm to walk around our house singing, whatever you want at the top of lunges.
I absolutely know that when you said "instead of shaming, just communicate that you are not sure how to help" you were just trying to say the truth and be constructive but, when my therapist said that to me, when i was in a very stuck and dark place, I felt kinda hopeless. What do you think about that? How would you communicate to a person that you are struggling helping them without maling them feel like they cannot be helped?
I feel like this and quite a few of the other $h^tTherapistsSay topics could be vastly taken out of context. Yes, this one sounds really horrible if the therapist just came out bluntly and said this. However, I could see this as part of a larger discussion on reasons and motivations to fight and overcome the depression. I have a very open-minded therapist and during our goals discussion we did explore if not doing anything could be the way to go, and brainstormed some pros and cons. And yes, your friends leaving you after years of you barely talking to them or never visiting is a very, very real possibility.
That was the cutest tough love story ☺️
Therapist- "if you keep being depressed and stuck in your C-PTSD bullshit you'll never have any Friends and people won't want to be around you"
My hardcore self-isolation tendencies- *I see this as an absolute win*
Oh dear 💔 hope you get a better therapist and get to feel better at some point.
I interned in an outpatient clinic and I co-ran a depression group with adults. We had some people that were responsive to therapy and took their meds and were thriving and there were others who would skip their meds and then complain about how their lives sucked (partly due to them not taking their meds which allowed their thoughts to bring them to that severe level of thinking, because they were fine when they DID take their meds). Things is, with those kinds of clients, they're more than likely never going to be able to be independent and they will continuously be rehospitalized indefinitely (mainly due to being unable to keep a job or care for themselves without taking their meds which they're unable able to do consistently in the halfway/residential house many of these people lived in where mental health people were available if needed and there was a weaning support system with the end goal to help get people learning to live independently, but a lot of people would get scared when they got closer to being independent and would relapse to restart the cycle so they never had to live on their own. Those kinds of clients are exhausting (and also why I never went into adult counseling once I graduated with my master's) and I knew what my limit was for what age and type of client I could personally handle. I work with kids, specifically teens in a school now and that's my jam. Knowing your limits, your biases, and what your absolute "never" type of client is key to being an aware and efficient counselor. At the end of the day counselors are human too and we get annoyed and have different tolerances for certain behaviors and habits, and it's our job to recognize that and either find a way to support the person or refer them to someone who would be more productive in helping them. No shame in that unless it has to do with their demographics, then that's shameful.
There is definitely a difference between “hardy encouragement” and shaming someone to “be better.” Some people prefer the “yell at me if I’m not measuring up because I need the reminder to do better,” but that’s not helpful for everyone and especially not all the time. Shaming them for “not measuring up might spark motivation, but it carries scars with it. We often have enough trouble ignoring negativity from our own brains; we don’t need the external shame piled on top.
Thank you so much for this discussion, especially on the shame issue. I know some people who really need to hear your thoughts.
I wish I could say there is no truth to this, but unfortunately there is. Some people can't handle having a friend that's really depressed ... Maybe the therapist didn't mean it as shaming, but rather preparing them for what may happen, so they don't fall over the edge when it does
No one should blame a person for being depressed. It's if that person blames others for their depression, or for not helping all the time, or seems to need to spread misery. I have a friend who does that. The world is terrible and he has to tell everyone. Good news isn't a thing for him. He also blames me every time he has trouble with something. Apparently I'm mentally healthy so it's my job to stay calm and help. I cry all night sometimes just because and have some very intense highs and lows if I don't manage myself carefully. He fries my brain almost weekly and turns down any suggestions for emotional regulation that I use my as someone with ADHD. All he's willing to do is take medication and blame either them or me when they don't work. We're probably going to be friends for the rest of our lives, but I'm moving away. I have to see how much of my mental health issues is me and how much is me matching him.
My question is though: how long and how often should I be around someone who is depressed and down-talking themselves constantly? I'm an empath so I pick up on their feelings very easily. I want to be their friend, but I don't want to ruin myself at the same time. Is that selfish? Probably, but I like being happy.
One thing that helps me with my depression is taking melatonin daily. Not letting myself lay in bed all day. And then finding someone who I trust who I can just rant to.
I got a question:
when I asked my depresed-loved-one: what you need/want me to do?
and they answer: I really don't know,
Then what I should do or say?
you had me in the first 10 seconds. that's literally what my most sad side tells me when I'm in a spiral.
11:53 I wish I had someone like that, wow.
I actually had this said by a friend (or who I thought was my friend but obviously isnt). She made me feel so guilty even tho she knows Im struggling: I have untreated ADHD, both my parents have terminal cancer and I had my heart broken recently. She had zero empathy and kept telling me its all in my head and I need to be more cheerful or people will avoid me...
Yeah ive had similar "friends". Ditch them.
If "friends" leave just because you have depression,then they are "fair-weathered friends". Period.
Every Friend I have ever had but one has left has soon as I told them I had issues This is very wrong to say in therapy because likely its not the only place they have heard it. I just had a discussion like this I need my weekend group its the only human interaction I get all week I've tried many ways to make and keep friends but it doesn't work. I told them how I saw things and what I needed but to get that I'm expected to wear a mask and be happy to stop talking about anything sad. No one has stayed the sad thing is any glimpse of maybe having a friend breaks me right out of depression. I had a great one in collage and even though sometimes I starved I was that broke I was truly happy. I just need people in my life to care.
So my boyfriend and I have been having talks about “formalizing the relationship” because we are looking to move abroad hoping for a better quality of life, and we’ve been touching some subjects that I’d love to see in your channel. How to do finance as a couple, raising children, what is expected out of married life and how to manage a household as a team. I know it is different in every relationship, but I would love to hear what you think about this subjects since you’re a psychologist, and well.. you’re married
I used to have a friend (now false friend) who would exactly tell me these words. She literally ghosted me, left me behind and ignored me and shrugged all my apologies off after I tried to explain myself why I am even like that (depressed or whatever). Can you believe that? She has this mentality Change or GTFO. (Its worse than that, trust me..) And it damaged me so bad I still have all these scars left behind on my soul... Because of this I do not trust people. not like I havent trusted them at all before this but daaamn.
Actually, this thing with lights doesn't work at all with me, it sets me grumpy for all day long, I hate this... But I saw your point. Unless, when I feel depressed, I don't really know what I expect from anyone. Everything I want in that time is for someone to end it all for me. And that means the worst thing. How to know what makes us feel better in the good way whenever we're feeling down?
Does anyone know how I can avoid these kinds of therapists? I have a lot of trauma that I got from growing up with mentally abusive parents. I want to see a therapist for it but I'm scared that they might say something in this series and make my problems worse. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.
You should react to "Girl Meets Rileytown S2 EP 38th it's beautiful and covers bullying. (Show is called girl meets world.)
The sad thing for me is I had a friend who did leave me. I don’t blame her but it still hurt
Alicia! Quit attacking me TT_TT hahahahahahaa
Me: *reads title*
Me: *so much pain*
To anyone who would ever say this to someone- seek help immediately because you have no right to be in any sort of relationship if you’re the kind of person who would ever say this.
worst thing i dealt with in my local health services. i pushed for a proper diagnosis, meh we're not sure cos autism is difficult to diagnose in an adult. but go see these autism charities and i think you will benefiit from further mental health stuff. goes back to the previous mental health department... yeah youve exhausted our skills and experience, please go away now.....
Well. I wasn't planning on commenting, but since you asked... I have severe clinical depression. (Or, apparently, bipolar disorder, and depression is just the most frequent and severe symptom.) I have a lot of coping strategies, developed over years of practice, and help from therapists, doctors, and more recently, even sincere friends who don't just associate with me out of convenience.
I... don't know that I can go into all of my learning and strategies in great detail here. I actually once wrote a long blog post to share with friends, which I called, "You vs. Your Friend's Depression - A Beginner's Guide." (Unfortunately, I wrote it on Facebook's Notes app, which is no longer a thing. I'm sure I have a saved copy somewhere. I could share a link once I find/make an available copy.) I wrote that post after I'd just had a very long and difficult night, struggling with unwelcome thoughts of suicide. I decided I needed to have that talk with anyone who considered me their friend, to let them know what I was always going through, what to expect of my needs and abilities, and how to do a better job at being comforting and helpful.
What I wrote in that post was based on my own experience, and things that psychologists had shared with me. I was well-aware that I'm not a licensed psychologist or anything, and I wanted it to be clear that I was just speaking from my own experience and understanding. But to have watched this video today, and hearing so many things that sound just like what I shared in that post, this is a relief. It feels validating to know that what I shared about my own experience actually is applicable to most people. So, thank you for sharing this.
***
Oh, but I will share one of my coping strategies: I play trumpet. That's an amazing mental health help. To start with, there's scientific research about how playing music is one of the most stimulating activities to several parts of the brain at the same time. That's really good for helping to remove yourself from painful, destructive cycles of thought.
As well, I've recently learned about how the Vagus nerve works. When it's stimulated by certain pressure, it causes the brain to emit a feeling of well-being. I was taught three techniques to stimulate that nerve: 1) meditation breathing - any form of slow, deep breathing, 2) briefly plugging your nose and mouth while trying to exhale - the same thing you do to make your ears pop, 3) humming/singing/vibrating your torso in some way - much like how cats can purr to make their bodies heal from stress or pain more quickly.
It so happens that playing a wind instrument, brass instruments especially, causes you to do all three of those things at the same time. So, I find that deeply helpful.
I hope it's ok of me to offer a recommendation: If you struggle with depression, and you don't play any musical instruments, I encourage you to pick one up and try it out. Never mind how good or bad you think you are, or what musical talent you think you don't have; just give it a try. It can help you. And if you're looking for inexpensive options, instruments like harmonica, recorder, tin whistle, wooden flute, [some forms of] ocarina, and kazoo, can reasonably be bought for $10 or less. Or even cheaper, practicing singing, or using certain phone/tablet music apps (like Garageband) weigh in at the wonderful price of "free."
So, yeah. There's my one suggestion for today, unless I can find that old blog post again. Good luck, fellow sufferers. If you find yourself in the bottom of a dark well someday, I'll try to cheer you on from whatever well I'm stuck in. Maybe I'll find a tunnel, even.
Reveille
Thank you so much for sharing this.
My brother gave me the same talk as opening intro and I never even said I was depressed
I'm so sorry. He's not learned his social skill very well, yet, did he? :\ You did that better though, cause you could recognis that something in doing this is not OK. It's a very undestestimated step in life that a lot of people stumble over.
That sounds like an uninformed parent or parent figure rather than a therapist 😱
Was the roommate Alan? Hahaha
No my friends leave me not cause of my depression, but cause I am boring 😂. Though they are always there no matter how I feel.
React to never have i ever!!!!!!!!!
❤️
5/5⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Is that roommate alan seawright? 🤪
I’ve been shamed a lot for my mental health (not from a Therapist through), so that really hits home for me.😅🥲 Thanks for the video, that totally made my day.