You Just Think You Are Gay, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2022
- You Just Think You Are Gay, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay //
Bad advice from a therapist? One of our viewers was told that they only 'thought' they were gay. Watch this video as look at what is a choice in our lives vs who we are.
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• You Just Think You Are...
I've heard a lot of sh*t when I've told people I'm asexual. Most of my friends are 100% accepting, but a few others had never heard of it and kind of like, refused to believe its a thing. "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?" "I think you're just scared, and you should give it a try." "You just haven't met the right person yet." "Well if you ever change your mind, I'd be happy do to it with you."
Once got all of those from one person in a single conversation 🙃
I am very confident and comfortable with my identity, but being invalidated by someone you thought you could trust will always hurt I think.
Hey! I’m ace too! (technically aegosexual but whatever) I’ve experienced that a lot, even from my own mom, and it really does suck. But, at least we have each other #acegang
An answer that I dislike to the same extent as those that you've listed: "You'll definitely want to have (biological) children one day." 🙄
I am so sorry, you had to experience that :/
@@evelyneverdeen7971 yeah my mom said “don’t rush to label yourself” but I know for sure she would never say that if I said I was straight. And I didn’t even rush, it took me almost 4 years to figure out my identity.
✨Aspec gang✨ (also kudos to Jono for being Demi-, if you're reading this, welcome to the aspec club!)
I love how heterosexual people say "it's a choice", but when you turn the question around, they act all confused. Like "okay, when did YOU decide to be straight?" 🙄
We really need to use this technique more often!
Also, some of us speculate that the "it's a choice" crowd is heavy with bisexual folks who are either in denial, or just clueless (like I was until about 2 years ago.)
xD OMG good answer - I never thought of turning this around.
Yup - best response to that question!
Don't forget there's also the 'it's not important' angle... suddenly this which is a part of our identity isn't important; but THEY certain place such importance on love, family, and all that and make a big fuss. But... we can't??? We're making it too important, too much of our identity? Que?
Yes. That's essentially what happened to me (I'm straight). I didn't think being gay was a choice, but I didn't understand either. I just did my best not to make people feel bad, but when some of my friends came out as gay I just had no idea how to relate, or empathize, I felt a wall that I couldn't take down even though I wanted to because I loved my friends. I knew I had some ingrained prejudice from my culture and the way I grew up (which wasn't even that bad compared to some, my parents just had a very strict and somewhat old fashioned definition of what being gay meant dating from the 80's, they were accepting of people within that definition, but inclined to think that anyone they knew who said they were gay but didn't act within the defined bounds, or wanted things that weren't in the bounds of that definition were going through a phase), but even though I knew better in my head, and I wanted to break it down I couldn't figure out how. It was a bit of a shock to be honest, to realise that knowing better didn't mean being over it or even understanding. Then I watched a video that asked "how did you know you were straight?" and things just clicked for me, and I understood for real for the first time. Sometimes things are so instinctively obvious that we don't realise it. Never think that pointing out the obvious is a waste.
I told my therapist that I'm ace, and they said "no, you just have a low libido or you didn't have enough experience". And when I told the ace people that are part of the queer community group in Facebook that I follow, wow they lost their shit lol
We agreed to disagree
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Wow, that's one uneducated therapist! (Note: The first thought I had contained expletives but I decided to be more polite.) (At least) one of my grown kids is ace. People who don't "get it" need to get over themselves.
We weren’t removed as a “disorder” until 2017 I think? Anyway. Far too recently. Not a surprising outcome to hear, but you shouldn’t have had to put up with that shit
I would love a Mended light video about ace, demi and all the spectrum. I was so emotional when I saw Jaiden animation's video! I would love to see Jonathan and Alicia's opinion about it. Specially Alicia's as a partner. Thank you all for your comments 💖
. . . been there, my favorit answer to "how can you know you do not like it, if you have not tried is "well how do you know you do not want to make out with a cactus?!" or more vindictev "your mom"
When I was in high school, in the early 2000s, I told a friend of mine that I was asexual because it was the closest thing I could think to describe my complete lack of sexual interest at 16 years old (and this was well before I learned of the asexual community, I was just going off of terms i learned in biology class.) My friend, a open bisexual with an active sex life, responded "that's not a thing, you're just repressed." For the rest of that year I got comments from multiple friends (who were all sexually active) that I just didn't know what I wanted yet cause I had no experience, I was just a prude, I was just a "victim" to my religious upbringing, etc, etc, etc. And being the only friend in my main group who wasn't sexually active I believed them, and fell into a hole of believing I was just kinda broken and "needed the right experience to fix me". Now, in my 30s, I am a very proud asexual who only regrets not staying true to myself earlier in life. Lgbt+ people are not broken, they're not "choosing", they don't "need help". We are who we are, and that's perfect okay, and it's beautiful.
I'll never understand how the gatekeepers within the LGBT+ community will apply basically the exact same homophobic rhetoric they've been unpleasantly exposed to, to others within their own community. How could your "friends" at the time think your sexuality was made up or that you were confused or whatever it was they said when that's exactly what a homophobe would say to them? It baffles me. A gay older relative of mine, who knows me as a bi person (I'm panromantic, and on the ace spectrum), basically said that they believe the bi stereotypes, the cheaty greedy etc. stereotypes, about every bi person but me, basically because they "know [I'm] not like that". They also don't "believe in" nonbinary people, like it's a thing you can just decide not to believe. It makes 0 sense.
its the same bs everywhere
Ace erasure drives me crazy. I am so sorry for your experience. I'm demi and for years I thought something was wrong with me.
I’ve heard parents recently saying ‘my kid says they’re gay but I think they’re just doing it to be trendy’ and it makes me want to scream a bit. I don’t think most kids would say that just to fit with a crowd, but I think it’s become much more accepted in lots of places to question your sexuality and not just assume that you’re straight, which is great. I’m glad young people are allowing themselves to question and explore how they feel and that they have the representation and role models they need to be comfortable doing that
Yeaaahhh... I was told this when I told my peers I was bi in school about 12 years ago now. Also was told that all women thought other women were attractive, but it didn't mean they wanted to sleep with them. Took me a lot of years, work and listening to many perspectives to understand that yep, I'm into people of all genders 👌🏻✌🏻 I feel so much freer and more myself now than I ever allowed myself to feel before
The "it's trendy" quote unquote argument, goes right along with the thinking that it's new, that people like us are a new "concept." I agree that it is quite frustrating, and that it's amazing that the environment has changed enough that people can more safely question themselves.
I remember being 15-years-old and feeling like I was bisexual. I attended an all-girls high school and I had a crush on my best friend. I remember telling my mom and she immediately dismissed me and told me that I wasn’t giving myself a “fair chance” because I had never had a boyfriend and went to school with other girls (I guess in her mind, that’s how sexuality works?). I remember still feeling attracted to women in college (even while being in serious relationships with men). I tried to talk to my mom about it and she wrote it off again and called it, “this bi-thing”. A few years later, out of the blue, she says, “you know, when you were in high school, I don’t think you were bi”. Fast forward to today, and I’m almost 27-years-old. I only started going on dates with women last year but I felt like I’ve been attracted to other women for at least the past 12 years. For years, I doubted myself and if I truly felt this way and sometimes I still do. But if someone tells you what their experience is, please listen before imposing your projections onto them.
PS: I’m happy to report that dating women is amazing 😍
Yeah I’ve heard that a lot ‘well how can you know you’re gay if you’ve never actually dated a [person of the opposite gender]?’ Uhh, same way you know you’re not gay, mom!
Whoah, I'm currently in college having the exact same experience (except my parents never dismissed me, I dismissed myself - had a crush on my best friend at an all girls high school and told myself it was a phase but then found myself very attracted to a girl I met in college - still confused honestly)
@@ThatRomyKate THIS. I didn't come to terms with my bisexuality until after I'd gotten into a long-term het relationship. One of the things I would say to myself was "Well, I'll never know for sure, because I plan on being with THIS person for the foreseeable future and so it's not like I can try it out." But, I eventually realized that I knew darn well I liked men before I ever had a boyfriend...I could know I liked women without ever having a girlfriend.
@@ThatRomyKate yes!! I think that I really had to examine comp het and how heterosexuality has been seen as the default for forever.
@@vulcanhumor Yeah, I've never had a boyfriend but I've known I like men for years (I'm a straight female) why would it be any different for someone gay, bi or lesbian etc.? sexuality isn't at all like finding a hobby.
I had this same 'discussion' w my maternal parent whe I came out as Trans. That its a choice. Nope, not a choice. Not a choice to be trans. Definitely a choice to live in a way that brings me joy. 😀
Love this choice!
Always choose your true self ❤ a very good choice. It’s difficult to be ourselves anyway. It’s brave.
My Parents and some of my sibling said and are still saying the same thing when I came out as trans. Sometimes it’s really hard to allow myself to be me and think about how much it upsets them. I luckily have some amazing siblings and a best friend that support who I am.
I’m glad you’re choosing to honour who you are 🧡
I am bisexual which means, around straight people, I am not "straight enough" and around gay people, I am not "gay enough"... like I don't dress "gay enough" but I also stand out around most straight people and talking about gayness or being attracted to women around gay people doesn't feel completely right and talking about being attracted to men with straight people definetely doesn't feel very right. It's tough when you are always in between and the lgbtq+ community, where you should find comfort in, doesn't always give you the support you need and straight people are sometimes weirded out by you. (I am not generalising, this is just sometimes I experienced). There is so much biphobia... I feel like, there are even more biphobic people than homophobic people because you "just have to pick a side" or "it's just a phase anyway"
I'm right there with you.
@@karissahammond4587 at least we know, we are not alone with that :)
@@clarajost7285 It makes such a difference! I'm comforted to hear from so many bi people here in the comments. I only just decided to come out (for real and not just to close family/friends) yesterday and I was having so many doubts. It's a little bit better now, and you're part of the reason. So, thanks again! 💛
@@karissahammond4587 wow, that's huge, you are so welcome, I'm proud of you! :)
@@clarajost7285 Thank you!
I kinda want to cry hearing this. I am religious, (distanced now) and I feel constant anxiety because I'm bisexual, I'm into girls, but every time i start to feel comfortable i think of "but that's wrong!". It also doesn't help that my mother said to me "maybe its just a phase, you haven't been out much" when I came out implying that my lack of friends and getting out there at 24 was the problem, that I was following a trend. I could never come out to my dads (stepdad and biological dad) because they're both homophobic Christians who believe that you are making a choice. She told my stepdad anyway after I asked her not to. I still haven't come out to him myself and my potential chance in the next few years was taken from me. His response was "how would she know?" Like being gay is something you have to try first, like going on a rollercoaster, to know what you like, and since I've only dated boys its unfathomable that I'm into girls cause I've never dated one. I've always been like this, in hindsight, but I only discovered this a few months ago.
It hurts me to know I cant be myself in my own house, my boyfriend and my brother support me and actually engage in conversations with me about it, it feels safe. I feel valid and I feel like finding anyone attractive isn't as shameful as it was before, where I would need to explain it away as, oh i wanna look like her. I wouldn't chose this if I had the choice, this video made me feel better about myself and gave me a different perspective.
Thank you for this video, from someone who struggled with the idea for the past few months.
You are very welcome. Love and prayers for you. - Jonathan
Hello, Christian aromantic asexual here with a Christian lesbian sister! I just want you to know that the like 2 or 3 "against homsexuality" verses in the Bible are
a) in places that should always be taken with a handful of salt, like the Old Testament laws that talk about sacrificing animals and women being "unclean" on their period, or in Paul's writings that also say men need to keep their heads uncovered and women need to cover theirs when at church. Context matters! Sometimes cultural and historical stuff gets mixed in, and it takes wisdom and knowledge to discern what the real loving will of God is for His beautiful community
And,
b) In the New Testament where this is addressed, the Greek has been imprecisely translated. In the Roman empire it was relatively common practice for older men to take on young boy companions for the purpose of mentoring them and also sometimes exploiting them. The original Greek has clear age connotations, saying something more like "men shall not lie with BOYS"
And finally, we say that God is Love. All true, caring love therefore must be from God! I cannot see how something so beautiful as the wonderful folks in the LGBTQ+ community could be apart from Her because of how God made them.
I wish you all the best.❤
Whether being gay is a choice or not, (I don't believe it is) it doesn't hurt anyone. If two people find happiness and want to be together, how can that be a bad thing?
I'd like to see a video about dealing with regret and guilt. I don't know why, but I have been really fixated on the could've, should've of my life. Some of them are stupid and some of them give me nightmares. Both are causing me to lose so much sleep.
Me too with the regrets, friend. You’re not alone in that. 🤍
Yes, there will always be the could’ve and should’ve’s of life. But we can’t change it once the die is cast. So we live with the choices we’ve made. The most important thing that we learn from it. Good or bad there is the results. I don’t regret getting married. And I thought I made a good choice, well, she made the choice but I agreed to it. Now I have a boyfriend and I am happy with him. He is older than me but that’s okay. We share good times and sorrows together. Will I get married to a guy. Not at this time. We both have our families with children but whereas I am out to mine he isn’t to his.
I agree with you that it doesn't hurt anyone in any of both cases, however clarity helps people to understand. And ignorance as a matter of fact does a lot of harm in this case.
The topic that you propose is very interesting, too.
I remember mentioning that I thought I was asexual to my therapist and his response was basically, “Are you sure it’s not trauma?” It felt pretty invalidating.
This. Hugs to you from a fellow ace...
In all fairness, I'm still figuring it out. I've known I am bisexual since I was 8 years old (and younger even) and I'm only allowing myself to explore it more now at the age of 34. I told my mom at 15 and she ignored me and brushed it off, so I didn't bother coming out to any other family member until I started dating my first girlfriend at 24. I don't live near my family, so I don't need to discuss my romantic life at all (and I don't). I had a short-lived heterosexual marriage and now I just accept that I don't fit a stereotypical family model, even if I am very much attracted to men as well.
Have fun on your journey. And good luck!
I was totally honest when things got serious in college. I liked this girl and she liked me. And when she asked me to marry her I explained to her I was gay and enjoyed her friendship. But she persuaded me to get married. I tried to be the best husband I could be. We had five children. And I wanted to be the best father I could be. And we have five successful children. After 37 years of marriage and still having homosexual feelings but not having relationships with others she wanted a divorce. When the court ask her if there was anything she wanted to say she said,”I want it be on record that he is gay.” I still care about her as a person but I not date men. And my children are aware and support me. If you are gay just be honest. If you are religious just realize that God already knows and wants you to be happy. He dislikes liars more than being gay.
@@stephengragert7557 Wow that is a nasty move from her during her divorce. I hope you manage?
I knew when I was little too, was my mom I thought I would grow up and marry (when I was little bitty) and she was still surprised when I told her.
Dude, a bunch of us figure things out at different life stages. I didn't understand why I didn't like boys until senior year of high school. Then, I thought I was a lesbian until I fell for my boyfriend in college. Then, when I was single, I hooked up with a friend and his girlfriend, but didn't get much out of the experience. I met my husband 7 years ago and only learned the term demisexual this year after I fell for a female friend out of the blue. I'm also gender-noncomforming and just now getting comfortable with it. I feel like only now am I becoming the person I'm meant to be. I have joined support groups to connect with people who can relate to me and vice versa and that's really helped.
"You don't choose to be gay because you like the social group." This is a very important point, especially considering the fact that, as a queer man with many queer friends, not a single one of us is anything but loving and welcoming towards our straight friends. If you want to be part of the social group, just prepare to put on the 'Ally' badge and you're off to the races. If it's just the community that you identify with, it's truly as easy as that
When I told my parents I was asexual, both of them accepted it. My grandma, on the other hand, decided to belittle me and tell me that my brain was "broken" because of all the abuse I've endured my entire life. Like, no. I've been this way my entire life. My PTSD has nothing to do with my sexuality. I wrestled with this for a while, but I've come to accept that I'm okay with my sexuality.
Thank you for this video! I'm a religious, bisexual Jewish lady. For almost 49 years (as of 2 years ago) I ONLY THOUGHT I was heterosexual! I actually put the pieces together during the process of educating myself on LGBT+ matters, in my effort to be the best ally/advocate as possible for my trans enby (and ace!) firstborn. It doesn't change much, as I've always preferred men, but now "I'm the B" instead of an ally.
Hey, have you done a video yet about supporting gay/trans/queer relatives/friends? That would be cool.
Blessed day/night to all! 🙏❤🏳🌈
I was around 19 years old when I discovered that my affection for my best friend was more than platonic. Given the close bond I had with my mom, I made the decision to talk to her about it... She essentially told me that I was confused and lonely. That she doesn't think that I'm bisexual and that my mind is playing tricks on me. She reminded me that the bible condemns homosexuality and wanted me to talk to the priest so that he can tell me whether I'm a homosexual or not...She blamed society, telling me that it's in my head because it's what society has exposed me to.
The worst part is, I actually believed her. I actually thought I was just lonely and my mind was confusing me...Needless to say, I never brought it up again. I decided to talk to a therapist instead…but for the wrong reasons. I wanted him to tell me that I was in fact confused. I wanted him to tell me how to stop feeling attracted towards women. But he never did. By the end of our sessions, I recognized that he was trying to get me to accept my feelings without putting a label on myself…
For a long time, I felt the pressure to figure out my sexuality. I went back and forth between calling myself lesbian, bi, demisexual, pansexual. To this day I still have no idea what I am…but for the first time, at 25 years old, I dated a woman and it was amazing.
It took me years to begin to accept myself. I had to learn to stop caring about what people think of me, including my mother. I eventually made the choice to temporarily step away from religion, because I realized that it was having a negative impact on me.
Now, I’m trying to give my 17-year old brother the support I never had from my family. For anyone struggling with accepting this part of yourself, remember that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Take your time discovering yourself. And if you decide to label yourself one way, its ok to label yourself something else later. Choose what makes you happy.
If it was a therapist saying this, it seems to come from such a Freudian paradigm. "An authority figure can tell you that your experiences are just self-deception," is exactly what Freud said to CSA-survivors after his initial research was rejected, and it derailed the counseling profession for generations.
I really appreciate what you said about safety. When I met my now-partner, they were in a very traditional church, but they talked about being cast in the same role of 'sinner' _alongside_ gay people. "We all have our vices, our methods of self-destruction. Who am I to cast stones?" Seeing LGBT+ people as _their siblings under God_ opened them up to further conversations. Eventually they realized their experience of gender didn't line up with tradition, and the 'traditional' passages were taken out of context to vilify innocent people. This _renewed_ their commitment to love and justice in God's name, to bring good news to the downtrodden.
Conversely, I had another "friend" who told me that I deserved to be prison-raked until my life was over because I'm not straight. He was an atheist who prided himself on being "sooo much more rational and tolerant than those fanatical religious people." There was no safety, no respect, so I snapped and tossed him FAR out of my life.
Thanks for the awesome video!! When I first came out to my parents my dad kind of expressed the “but you just think you’re gay” thing, but he eventually came around. I’ve had people tell me that “I’m just confused by the gay people around me, I’m hanging out with the wrong crowd”… which uh… they’re the wrong crowd because they’re gay?? Didn’t make much sense to me. I haven’t had contact with them since middle school and I’m still gay… so… 😳😳🏳️🌈
You made me think of one of many amazing scenes from the 2008 movie, Milk, where Harvey Milk (played by Sean Penn) talks about how growing up in the 50s and 60s (maybe even farther back than that), he grew up around only straight people, yet still "turned out" gay. He basically also said that if people turned out to become their teachers (and others around them) that, no offense, but "we'd have a hell of a lot more nuns running around." :) It's nature, not nurture, in this case.
Thank you for this video! What surprised me the most in my journey from ally to coming out as bi was that -- coming out doesn't start with telling other people, you have to start by coming out to yourself. And that process is often scary, confusing, and long. Everyone's experience is different, but most people I talk to have in the community have similar stories to mine.
I knew that my parents and friends would accept me if I were gay, but even without that stigma I came up with the most ridiculous excuses to explain away my attraction to women. I look back on many instances of being attracted to women in TV shows as a kid that I just said "Oh I'm not attracted to these characters -- I just RELATE to them, I just want to be like them (because they're so hot)." Now when I tell my stories to my friends they look at me and just go "and you THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT???" Yeah, for a long time, I really honestly believed I was straight. Probably because I am also very attracted to men. But now I realize that I've been bi all along, and I put up so many excuses and walls to hide it that I'm still breaking down.
So when people ask "are you sure you're gay?" I assume it comes from a good place, but it feels very ignorant of how much time and energy it takes to come out even to ourselves. By the time we're coming out to others, especially people who would typically ask this question, we are usually pretty dang sure.
I do think, though, that exploring your sexuality and gender is normal and should be just like exploring any other part of your identity. I would love to get to a place where there's no stigma on exploring and realizing that your sexuality isn't what you thought it was -- even if you are straight, I think it's great to come to that understanding of your identity from a place of curiosity and excitement, and not a place of feeling like it's what's expected or required of you.
Not everyone knows their identity 100%. (I mean, if that were the case, it wouldn't have taken me so long to come out as bi...) So I'm sure there are actually going to be people who think they're gay and realize later that they're not. But at the end of the day -- that's a journey THEY have to go on, not something that anyone else can decide for them.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. They're reassuring to me!
This. So much this. I wonder if there are bi support groups out there for the “I thought I was straight but…” demographic. If there aren’t, there really should be. Or at least a coffee club. 😊 I think the hardest part of the journey is when you make the journey alone and isolated.
Thank you for talking about this
When I was 6 years old I made the discovery that I was attracted to women. I was so ashamed. I kept it a secret for years. I struggled with self harm, suicidal ideation, and a lot of anger and self hatred.
I thought
“if only I just run fast enough from my gay thoughts I’ll be normal, and I’ll be straight.”
For people to say
“You’re choosing to be gay.”
It crushed me. Because what I heard was
“You’re not trying hard enough to be normal.”
I later walked away from my faith. God had other ideas, and brought me back. With that I submitted my sexuality to him. My attraction to women has not changed to this day, but what I am grateful for is people acknowledging that I didn’t choose that attraction.
I also appreciate you saying that your sexuality is not your entire identity.
That’s what caused me so much shame in the first place.
Johnathan and Alicia, you guys are wonderful speakers.
I have also enjoyed watching Cinema therapy as well.
I hope you find happiness and peace. God wants you to be happy ❤️
Thanks girl I really appreciate that.
I found peace through following what God wants for my life. The biggest relief was hearing that I was not abnormal for struggling with my sexuality. I am so relieved.
I no longer struggle with suicidal ideation.
I am however working on forgiveness towards the people who caused me religious trauma.
If you can please pray that im able to work on that
That would mean a lot.
❤️
@@Dottywalkers9 I hope that your work on forgiving the people that caused your trauma is for your own sake... They honestly should be lining up to apologize for being a**holes to you. I'm a religious Jewish lady who realized almost 2 years ago that I'm bisexual. I know I'm lucky that nobody has given me crap about it, but I'm 50 years old and wouldn't take that at this point in my life anyway. I do wish you luck on your forgiveness work, because that's healthy stuff.
@@Dottywalkers9 absolutely, you got this!
My internalised shame about being lgbtqia+ made me hide it till I was 38, and one day I realised that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I might make it to 40, but definitely not to 45, and couldn't even summon any emotion around the feeling that ending my life by suicide was, if not imminent, definitely approaching. After coming out it felt like the world went from crusty old black and white tube television to 4k HDR, I went from barely surviving, to being back at uni (postgrad Psych), I'm a suicide crisis support phone line volunteer, I've got a second-on-top-of-full-time job doing diversity and inclusion training, I'm a volunteer fire fighter, I'm on the committee of my triathlon club and a parkrun run director, I volunteer to teach ethics at the local primary school. brain stuff is hard to quantify, but I do all that stuff with the emotional bandwidth I got back from not having to pretend I was someone I wasn't
Wow, thank you for all you do for your community. I’ve been wanting to be a phone line volunteer for a while now. Maybe I’ll finally start the process next year.
I'm Mormon and a trans woman a lesbian and conservative. I never feel like I belong anywhere. My exestance is questioned all the time. I always thought that by being part of both the right and the left I could be a bridge between the two. There is no bridge.
I had a therapist in 2008 who said "Are you actually gay because of one girl you liked? Or is it because a lack of female role models growing up?" Their weekly questions about whether I was really bisexual and the other things going on in my life had affected me. In 2020, we video-chatted and discussed how this and many similar conversations in my life at the time hindered me from believing I wouldn't be rejected by everyone. My counselor apologized, and it meant a lot because that was the only person from my adolescence who accepted me.
One thing my counselor did mention was that they lost another gay patient to suicide in 2014. Afterward, my counselor sought sessions with a gay counselor with the intention to reverse the roles and realize how well-intentioned comments or questions piled onto the heteronormative culture and shamed/discouraged people from living their life. While my counselor's attraction to their spouse of the opposite sex didn't change, they said it was mind blowing how a handful of little things felt completely different while reversed. As you've said in past videos a therapist is someone trained to remove the walls of a box you don't realize you created around yourself, maybe you'll try meeting a gay counselor to experience the reverse and do a video on it?
I think that 'trying on a label' fits the journey quite well, maybe especially for the lesser-known sexual and gender identities. For me, personally, I grew up in a very accepting household, so luckily there has never been any backlash from my family, but the maximum that I learned about was that people were either straight or gay/lesbian. So, when my best friend and I became a couple for a while during high school, I adopted the label 'lesbian' because that fit, right? I was with another girl and generally didn't find boys so interesting, so I had to be a lesbian, right? It was only in college when I learned about the entire spectrum bit by bit that I realized I'm actually asexual (later also added aromantic to it). So I personally think that trying on labels that seem to fit 'at the moment' is absolutely fine and probably very normal. Our identities can change, so it's very valid to try on one label or another and see if that fits, no matter what the result is (bi, pan, gay/lesbian, straight...).
Also, regarding the religious aspect: while I am not very religious at all, from my understanding, humans were made in God's image and the most important one of the 10 Commands is to 'love thy neighbor'. For me, especially that last one is what religion comes down to, which is also why I can't understand why so many people use their religion for hatred and to exclude others. But the first part that I referenced is just as important in this debate, I think: we're all made in His image. So even if I were to be able to choose my sexuality, wouldn't my choice still be a reflection of His will? Would I not still be his image?
Please correct me if I'm wrong or feel free to share your opinions, no matter whether you share mine or not
I definitely agree with the trying on labels for people on the ace spectrum if they aren’t 100% sure. How would I have know I was demisexual if I hadn’t started a relationship and created an emotional connection? I never really experienced sexual attraction to people in real life so I went through so many thoughts. Lesbian? Bi? Asexual? The only one I labeled myself for others was ace before I had experience to refine that label.
I'm a religious, Bible-reading, bisexual Jewish lady. What you said is 👍👍👍.
"love thy neighbour" is not one of the ten commandments, but otherwise I think you're absolutely right. 😉
@@QueenMegaera Thank you for the correction!
Something I'm learning is that it takes work and actual effort to achieve that level of religious devotion. You're right- God is Love. But, It's much easier to judge people who are different. None of us are perfect, not a single person on earth. A lot of religious people get angry because we don't understand your plight. It's comfortable and easy to brush off that lifestyle as "sinful" It takes much more work to actually BE like Christ, let go of the bigotry and love people, let go of trying to control or minimize their identity, be kind, and be okay with different lifestyles.
I'm gay, came out to my mom a few years ago and she told me to please not tell anyone because she didn't want to be questioned by friends and family about having a gay daughter. From then on she kept ignoring, that I ever came out and keeps acting like I'm straight. I play along to keep the peace but it's definetely damaged our relationship, because I know I just can't be as honest as I used to be.
This video has nothing to do with my experience but it was still relatable and helpful to me. Just listening to y’all brings me comfort.
"Who's arms you see yourself held?"
Nobody. I never see a person, when I imagine things of sort. I have only sensations of touches and feelings. (And has nothing to do with my imagination being limited, because my imagination is very rich and vivid!)
But hey, I'm a pansexual :b Anything goes as long I fall in love with the person they are!
But challenges?
At school, I'd been bullied more if I would have told that I'm really not a hetero. That gym classes and ppl changing their clothes was... Embarrassing challenge. Untill I learned to not care and look.
Other challenge was church. "We don't judge you for being gay the way you are, but spiritually you have a gender and god has meant for the opposites to be together. So you need to learn to control your attraction to the point that you choose your opposite as your partner, or you choose to be alone. That is also a good path to take!" That was absolutely devastating. And then I tried my best to think how, this is just how the church and humans try and navigate this. That god wouldn't be upset with my choices, because god understands everything. Attraction and love has nothing to do with right and good or wrong and bad. And now I've drifted away from the church. And this is a problem to my mom and ppl around me who are deeply devoted and in the church, because "You need to come back! I just want what's best for you!" ...if only they'd stop. And doing the same passively hurts as much, if not more. I'm not stupid.
Thankfully, I've never been doubted by my partners though out my life. That I'd lust and yearn for the opposite of them or want more or multiple partners to be satisfied. That my choice has always been seen as a committed choice.
To all the LGBTQIA+ people out there who had to deal with any discrimination. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had or have to go through that. I wish some people could just grow up and understand that everybody is unique and everyone has the right to be themselves no matter what that means for you. Think about how boring the world would be if we were all exactly the same.
What do the Iand the A stand for?
@@stevepogue1124 there may be even more, but I is for intersex and A is for aromantic, asexual, and agender.
@@missnaomi613 yup. Missed this comment. Thanks
My first therapist got paid by my insurance to listen to me explain the LGBT+ community. She also forced me to listen to my mother who was a toxic matriarch. I had another try to convince me that I shouldn't change my deadname because there is so much baggage attached to it. I gave up on therapists for a couple of years until I found an LGBTQ+ Mental Health Clinic of students learning to become therapists. It was amazing.
Thank you for this video. It's a lot of what I've been saying and thinking for years now. Being gay, bi, straight, or whatever, is not an identity, it's just part of who you are. You don't have to like shopping, or talking with a feminine lisp to be a homosexual man just like you don't have to love sports and talk all macho to be a straight man. So many tomboys (I am one) get called lesbians because they don't talk girly, dress girly, or act like "feminine" girls even though they are straight. Being attracted to the same, opposite, or both genders doesn't make you who you are. There's NOTHING wrong with being masculine, or feminine, or having traits of both (most of us have both traits even if we deny it). You are who you are, and you like what you like, but like the Batman saying, it's not who you are, but what you DO that defines you. If I'm a good friend to you, I'm not your gay or straight friend. I am your *good* friend that accepts you and makes life better for you.
add an "or don't" to "what you do" and it's perfection! The spectrum of yin and yang exist. And there's no wrong. There's just "it serve or it doesn't" and even the later is equal to the first mentioned. All is one. All belongs.
I have lost family and friends since I came out as trans. even though I am finally happy and at peace, they want me to go back to being miserable and self destructive. I can't do it. I know who I am, and I have had these feelings for as long as I remember. I told my Dad, and he has refused. I am on the fence of whether or not to maintain contact. It's not easy.
Yes, I have a therapist that told me that I didn't really think I was "gay" because I am a Christian (I go to a Christian counseling center, so my therapist is Christian) and when I told her that I was pansexual (attracted to the personality and soul, not the person, not male or female, I don't see it as their sex, but the personality/traits and soul), she said that I wasn't because the bible says that lifestyle is a sin. It is hard for me because now I feel like I have to step around that topic. I have known since at least 6th grade (I'm 31 now), but I come from a super conservative Christian family that believes that "lifestyle" is a sin and the bible calls it an abomination, so I couldn't say anything. I had to hide it till I was an adult and living on my own. Both my therapist and my family think that it is a choice and not something you are born with. I find now that I have to be careful where I step. It feels like I am walking on eggshells. I can't be honest with my family because they would exile me, and I can't talk to my therapist because she sides with my family, so I have to deal with worse depression because I have to keep hiding this part of me. My family has already told me that they would exile any family member that "came out," and they would pray over me until I changed my mind because this lifestyle is a "choice." If it were a choice, I wouldn't choose it because of all the backlash I receive from my family, therapist, and church. Currently, I just continue to hide it until I have no choice and have to tell my family. I don't want to have to miss out on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all other family outings.
Sorry to say that but this is no therapist but merely a self-appointed or church-appointed "counselor". What she says is not up to date with scientific knowledge and also illogical. The unscientific part is that sexual attraction is a lifestyle, like, I don't know, a party-every-night lifestyle, a hard-working lifestyle, a frequent travel lifestyle, you get the gist. The obviously illogical part is that even if being LGBT was sinful, you could still be gay; I suppose she thinks being a thief is sinful but she wouldn't deny her client is a thief if she saw them stealing something, right?).
But what's most important is that "sin" is a category that can only function within religious discourse and real therapists are ethically obliged not to impose any religious or ideological worldview on their clients nor defend interests of any company, political party or church/denomination. In my country, a therapist could lose their affiliation to respected academically-oriented psychological associations for such misconduct.
I have no intention of telling you how to manage your familial relationships because those are among the closest and most precious things we have on this Earth but do yourself a favour and at least switch to some secular therapist. Good luck with being your best and happiest self!
I come from a conservative Christian family with many of the members being VERY outspoken, especially in the last several years, about their views on LGBT+ people. I am asexual and agender and I am not out to anyone in my family. We all live quite close to each other and are rather involved in each other's lives. It's hard. Family birthdays and holidays, especially gatherings that get the extended family involved, I always feel on edge and vulnerable. It's weird to be surrounded by people who are hating you without them knowing yet that they're hating you. It's tense to know one information slip or wrong emotional response to a trigger could get you exiled from the family you've had your whole life. I'm 32, live with my partner of 8 years (who knows and is supportive) in a visually "heteropassing" relationship, and do not need my families assistance to survive but I'm still scared for the backlash the day it all comes out.
Family is weird, man.
I know my story isn't helpful but I guess it's all to say that you are definitely not alone in your experiences. The best you can do is create a safe community around you with supportive friends and a chosen family so if things do go south with your birth family you'll have safe arms to fall back into.
You are valid. You are valued. You are worthy. Good luck.
I recently had a therapist say
'Your emotion is wrong'
I've actually been pretty lucky telling people I'm asexual. Even when I acknowledged it in medical forms, the therapist never tried to say I couldn't be ace or that was the reason for my depression. I even mentioned it in casual dinner conversation with visiting family. I mentioned how I was pas part of LBGT+ community as I'm asexual. Then we went right on talking.
I figured out I was demisexual about two months ago. Prior to that realization I was either in miserable relationship or just “wow I can be single forever I don’t feel like I LIKE anyone”, so, yes, just miserable in this aspect of my life. Still don’t feel the need to tell anyone yet, but it changed my perspective on life and frustrations & negative feelings I had toward myself. These moments are so sacred to a person. That therapist should not be doing their job if they can’t even get that right.
Yeah, I'm asexual and aromantic /maybe other as far as I know, but I like the idea of romance and it seems nice... except I'm also neurodivergent and my brain is just tbh a mess when it comes to this stuff; I cannot 'intentionally' date. So unless I'm struck by lightning and there's a halo and a neon sign above someone, it's probably not going to happen. I've had several online friends attracted to me, tried dating once with one of them... it just. I just. Don't like anyone. It's incredibly difficult. :p
So I'm /trying/ to just be happily single, because I do very much like my own company anyway...
my parents have always been supportive of the lgbtq+ community, and have always educated me about them. when i was in 6th grade i was ‘bi-curious’ and told my mother. i was terrified even though i knew she’d be supportive. in 7th grade i came out to my best friend as a lesbian. her parents are incredibly conservative christian’s and at the time she followed those same beliefs. but nothing changed in our friendship bc we had the ability to see past each other’s beliefs. i told all the christian girls at my lunch table that same year. i told my other friend who is also pretty conservative, but we’ve agreed to disagree for years now. it took me two whole years to come out to my parents. even though i knew they’d be supportive. coming out is truly a stressful experience, no matter what your background is. i still don’t know why i came out to so many who wouldn’t fully accept me before my parents.
As someone who is both gender fluid and pansexual the question that was like "who do you imagine when you imagine being held in someone's arms" like that's such a confusing question for me🤣 I want to both be the person holding me as well as be held by them and do the holding all at the same time. And "they" could be literally any gender too and I'd both want to be with them and BE them all at once
Oh yeah, I've been told this. When I tried to come out as ace the first time, I was shut down because apparently, the romantic/sexual orientation exploration my classmates were doing (I was in high school at the time) was just "following trends". Of course, I am still ace and have been ace all this time, and pointing this out to said disbelievers always makes them not only shocked but quickly eat their words as it slowly dawns on them they wrongfully invalidated someone's identity through quick assumptions. Great video and glad to see this sort of thing debunked!
I think "phases" get a really bad rep for the wrong reasons. If you think you are gay, or you think you want to be a goth forever, or you're questioning your gender, or you're trying to be vegan, etc, and then later your change your mind, that doesn't make those feelings in those moments invalid.
It's sort of like scientific theory, in the sense that a theory may change when more evidence is presented but it's the most accurate information right now, and in the same way the currently most accurate estimation of someone's sexuality is what they think it is. Maybe they're not gay but you for sure are not more likely to know than they are.
Whenever people say being gay/trans is a choice, I tell them, "Okay. Be gay right now. CHOOSE to be gay, RIGHT NOW." And they go, "Ew, no! What?!" I said, "What's the matter? Are you telling me you can't choose to be gay right now? But you said it was a choice. So, CHOOSE IT." Miraculously, they do begin to understand at that moment that it is in fact NOT A CHOICE. 😂❤
thank you for the video!! as someone who is bisexual and going to college to be a therapist myself, it truly means a lot to see this video. in my own experience, my father's side of the family is very Lutheran, and I'm nervous to come out to most of that side of the family as bisexual mainly due to the backlash I would receive. Most of the backlash would mostly come from my grandmother, my aunt, and my father. While I personally haven't faced biphobia myself, I know it is out there and I have a strong feeling that my family members on my father's side of the family would say some very biphobic things. My mom and step dad's sides are much more open with it, especially my step dad's side, which I'm so grateful for. My friends and colleagues from both high school and college are also accepting of me and who I am which is amazing. Now as a therapist, this response gives me insight as to what I could say to a future client who has experienced this before. truly means a lot to get insight from an actual therapist currently working in the field. thank you again!!
As a queer person, I got the exact same thing with my mother's social worker regarding my plural system and basically said "they're all just delusions and aren't real", and I can't stand it when people project their shit onto me, especially because he only had my mother describe my situation and never once asking for my experiences. I'm also dealing with homophobic, biphobic, aphobic, transphobic and intersexist family members and it's genuinely heartbreaking. Thank you for speaking on the topic.
When I came out as an ally to my conservative Christian mom, it was really hard. She cautioned me against “following the ways of the world.” I’m struggling in a place where I know that the things that were taught by my childhood church are wrong, but I’m also scared to break away from those beliefs entirely because I’m terrified of hell. One thing I know for sure: homosexuality is not a sin.
It is so uplifting to hear from fellow people that there is a difference between sexual orientation and living out that part of one's identity.
When I realized that I wasn't attracted to girls, but to boys, I didn't find any role models in the gay people I saw on TV that fit me. Therefore, I doubted being gay and able to find a place in this group. It wasn't until the internet that I found people who were as queer as I am and have an interest in movies, computer games, and board games like me.
It warms my heart to see that representations are more diverse today and people are learning more about the many aspects of sexual and gender expression. And it is so important to understand that our gender and sexual identity is only part of what makes us who we are. To tell a person that this part is just imaginary, I think is harmful. Rather, they should find support in living out those parts of their identity in a way that makes them happy.
Thanks for the video, Mended Light!
I came from an upbringing in a high-control religious group (aka religious cult) that was very harsh about their beliefs on homosexuality. I’ve been called all kinds of things as a bisexual woman married to a man. I’ve had relationships with people of both genders and I can tell you that no matter who I’ve ever partnered with, someone always has an opinion about it. “You’re an ally - you’re not really bi” You’re just curious. It was a phase. I know who I am, and that’s the important thing. And I’ve paid the price for being who I am openly, without apology. Being open about my sexuality left me homeless once years ago. It still happens even in the 21st century after the civil rights movement and Stonewall, unfortunately. I get angry with anyone who denies my queerness because I happen to be married to a man - because it’s not like I haven’t paid the price like anyone else has in the LGBTQ community for being open about their sexuality. It actually hurts more to be rejected by other queer folk than being rejected by people from my religious upbringing or family members does. I’ve come to expect ostracism from family and old hyper-religious extremists I grew up around - not my own people in the gay community.
when I came out, I came out to a safe environment with my family but not at my school. the school I was in at the time was very homophobic. people are always surprised when I tell them i'm queer because I don't outwardly present in a stereotypical queer female way. I have gotten the question from people of how do you know your gay if you've never dated another girl etc? I then can counter with how do you know your straight? One of the things I have found is that I am still exploring and discovering different aspects of how i identify. I think that you are always figuring new things out about yourself .
it’s so hard for me to hear “this is your life. this is your path to walk”. i feel like i owe everything to everyone, and that everyone has the right to tell me what to do with my life because who am i? i’m trying really hard to be more autonomous and to break away, but it’s scary. i’ve accomplished so much this year in complete silence and a bit in isolation because i didn’t want to cave to other people’s comments. i have a long way to go and idk if i can do it, but i’m hopeful.
If you're attracted to someone of the same sex, you could also be bi or pan, or experiencing some form of fluidity.
I'm reading several comments from women saying they knew they were bi at 15. This was my experience as well. Just think this is interesting.
Damn, this made me cry. I am 31, a Christian and bisexual and I'm really struggling because my parents, who I am not out to because it would not be safe, and my church are 100% "anything but straight or asexual is wrong". I was in such deep denial that I didn't come out to myself until the first few months of the pandemic when we all had nothing but time for introspection.
I can't walk away from my faith because I can't just stop believing but I can't change my attractions either. And believe me, I've tried to "pray the gay away". I would like to feel free to date women if I met a woman who mutually attracted to me and who I hit it off with but I firmly believe that's a sin, although I would never condemn anyone else for being in a same sex relationship. I don't believe it's a salvational issue.
I have always been taught to believe that though we are saved when we put our faith in Christ our sin offends and hurts God. So while I don't believe I'd go to hell if I dated and married a woman I do believe it would offend God and this causes me no end of pain.
What is a person supposed to do when stuck in a position like mine?
There are sects of Christianity that are LGBTQ+ accepting. My friends attend and were married in a Unitarian Universalist church. They even had a gay pastor. It is possible to keep your faith and be yourself. Good luck to you.
I relate to a lot of these things you're saying and feeling, and I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.
If this helps, it's God who told me to come out. I prayed for an answer about what to do, and He told me that he made me the way I am intentionally and that his works are good. In His eyes, He seemed to be telling me that it would be equally holy for me to marry a man, woman, or anyone in between. He also thought it would be healthy for me to explore the queer part of me so that I could finally fully accept and love myself and others the way He does.
I was only able to hear this answer when I was in the right place spiritually and not afraid to hear it (for me, that meant when I had COVID and no distractions).
I hope that as you pray and investigate, you can find the answer that will bring peace to you and that you can feel the depth of God's love for you. 💛
I will say the rule of “whose arms do you imagine yourself in” doesn’t always work because of internalized homophobia, at least with bisexuality in my experience. I used to force myself to imagine romantic situations with men and would freak out when any thoughts about women popped into my head. It took a lot of time and support for me to recognize that I imagined both and to admit that I always had but had shut it down before
Also just to add, I’m not a therapist but when I was figuring it out I asked my self if I could see my self meeting a man, living with a man, having a child with a man, vs a woman and I can see myself marring a woman. Not because I got daddy issues Or because some man did me wrong. But because that’s what feels right and that’s where I can see myself that’s where I feel like me.
When I was 10, I firmly told my mother, "I'm never gonna like boys!" She replied, "I hope so because I don't like the alternative." I thought, 'What? I don't like girls. Ew." But I totally did. I wanted to be friends with pretty girls. I liked looking at women in bikinis. But I "knew" it was wrong because of my religion, and family and friends. As I started to accept I was gay, I tried to look up different ways to "prove" - to myself and anyone who might challenge me - that I didn't choose my sexuality. I felt dirty. I felt like a biological mistake. When I came out to my best friend, she said it made sense. Huge relief! When I came out to my mother, she tried to rationalize it away - "I can find women attractive too..." and told me not to tell my siblings because they weren't "old enough." Fast forward, my siblings are supportive. My father loves me. My husband loves me. Other family members are judgemental and don't deserve my time. My therapist has been helping me work through these feelings, but I made sure to find a therapist trained to help people in the LGBTQ+ community.
Whith my experience of being bisexual, I don't talk about it with my family. I haven't explicitly come out to them, but I think they know. Kind of like a Love Simon situation, I don't think they'd be upset but it's not really a part of my life they're involved in.
Overall, there are lots of sects in the LGBTQ+ who don't think bisexuals exist and that you need to "pick a side", which doesn't make sense. Some people act like it means you're more likely to cheat, some people treat it like a fetish, some think you're doung it to "make yourself seem more interesting". Lots of bisexual people, especially women/afab people, don't get treated like their sexuality matters. It sucks, but you have to push it away by reminding yourself that they're just stupid and don't know what they're talking about.
I am bisexual and know exactly what you are talking about... it is honestly so stressful sometimes!
This is honestly something that still blows my mind to this day. How much the LGBTQ+ community is sometimes gatekeeping attractions and how exclusionist they can be.
I'm very happy that you found a label that you're comfortable with. No matter what others say, you're valid 💕
@@evelyneverdeen7971 thank you 💖
Yeah, someone it's worse for a gay man or a straight woman, for their male spouse to leave them for the same/opposite gender. I don't get how it's worse. It sucks period to be left for someone else, but yeah some gay men/women and straight women/men have this silly notion that you're going to "switch back" or want to be "poly". It's absurd.
Yes, I totally took the active choice to be discriminated against and to live in fear untill I turned 23
It's ... not always as obvious as you'd think. There's a term 'comphet' (compulsory heterosexuality) for the social pressures that cause women in particular to be in denial and to take a long time to recognize what actual attraction even looks like.
I would like to see a video on how to deal with coming out as trans. There are a lot of people who are like, “how do you know you are trans”, it’s very tiring trying to validate your existence all the time. They come at it like they are trying to protect you from regret and quote a very tiny percentage of those who de transitioned, they try so hard to make you doubt something about yourself that you have known for a long time, even when they don’t know anything about how you feel. It feels like a conversation where you have made yourself open to a discussion to hear them and educate them, then becomes about comforting them and never about you.
Without having to be expected to memorise and recall a bunch of scientific journals and statistics on cue, how do you get people to just listen and understand that you understand yourself and the constant doubt that they have and try to impose on you is very damaging. Especially when they themselves are not psychologists or even medical professionals.
I didn't expect Jonathan Decker to tell me "You are gay" today but I'm here for it
This topic is actually SO relevant to me right now. I was born in a Christian home. My faith is still very important to me. I love God and want to live a life sharing His love and compassion with others and using the gifts He's given me to do good things in the world. But I also don't really feel welcome or safe in churches anymore.
Some Christians are allies (or LGBTQ+ themselves), but many wish my people dead just for existing and think I'm going to burn in hell for something I can't control. And I don't think I can bring myself to attend church any longer if it means being around people who preach love, but then make it conditional and say awful homophobic/transphobic things. It's very distressing because I really do care about my faith, but I'm at a point where I may just need to practice and pray on my own away from that community and accept that it's not safe for me there
I'm even questioning whether I should refer to myself as "Christian" anymore because Christians have hurt so many people in the LGBTQ+ community that 1.) I don't want to be associated with that, and 2.) I don't want to make people feel scared/unsafe just for finding that out about me, because I really am an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. I'm one of them too.
If anyone else is in the same boat, I hope it's comforting that you're not alone. Stay strong
Despite having the privilege of being a person from a progressive family with progressive friends, while living in Canada no less, it's still a struggle. Despite seemingly everything working in my favor, between the era I grew up in and the values that came with it, there's still a lot of shame and self-hatred left over. My family accepts me, but within that acceptance, there is still uncomfortable looks that I notice or subtle small homophobic views that i I may ignore so not to rock the boat. In some cases it feels like because I have it so good, I should appreciate what I have rather than be selfish and aim for something more. Who knows, maybe one day I will expand the love and acceptance for myself and have the courage to ask for a better environment.
I was about to write the longest comment because this speaks to me on a deep personal level, but here is a sum up of my story of being Christian/gay:
Grew up in a religious family in Easter Europe. Started developing feelings for my best friend at 12.. Didn't even know being gay was a sin - I had only heard it as an insult at the time. Stepped back from both her and my faith.
Spend the next 5 years struggling to choose between God and being "free". Never truly felt connected with either, always scared and feeling alone. Tried liking a boy just to prove to myself I could. A bad idea, as I see now.
God met me at my lowest. I decided I'm not gonna act on my sexuality, was content with never getting married. Felt nice for a while.
Then I got close with another Christian girl who was struggling with her gender identity. I knew I was attracted to her, but thought I was strong enough to ignore it. We grew closer. And closer. We told each other it was just love, it could not be a sin. But we hurt each other so, so much. After a year of this toxic "not a relationship" (although it checks all marks of one), I felt disgusted by myself and the idea of being with a girl. She is still my best friend tho.
Is being gay a sin? Could not give you the answer, I am still looking for it. All I know is that I was, and no longer am. So this turned out to be possible... But it happened in the unhealthiest way ever, would not recommend.
That's my story. Turns out 10 years of doubt can't really be summed up😅
Could be internalized homophobia. I've known people that had similar stories and suffered this. I cannot speak for you of your experience, but that's just my two cents. I also had a toxic relationship with a girl (mostly from her side) who cheated and lied to me. Do I hate girls now? No, but because of her, and the world, relationships with anyone sexually is just not in the forefront of my mind. A lot of damage was done because of her and it messed me up, but not because she is a woman.
The question is how you ascertain "I was, and no longer am". Aka if all attraction has vaished, then that is possibly a dissociation type of thing going on for you. Or if you started to be attracted to men instead. Which would not quite answer the question of sexuality. Because when you're attracted to any/all genders and one pathway gets blocked through trauma, then - unlike e.g. a straight person who has only the 'living ace-style' option left then - you still have more paths. Amongst them the "living hetero-style" as a bi person with gender related trauma.
The good news is, that it technically doesn't matter. None of it.
Do you feel content in your life at the moment and can funtion alright? Or are you in a place of torment because you're lacking partnership and would have to answer that dilemma first to enter one?
There's no right or wrong in this for your individual case. You're alive. You find ways to survive and thrive in your individual circumstances. And that's all that matters.
When it comes to finding psychology and sociology professionals I can work with, I deliberately out myself as bi aroace from the start. That way I can gage early on if these are professionals I can work with or if I’m better off moving on.
I’ve tried seeking adult adhd testing only to have my sexuality reduced to ablist and aphobic language. That was not the clinic for me to be tested by.
I’m currently working with a therapist and a social worker who actually ARE accepting of my asexuality (and desire to not have children, especially postRoe v Wade, despite my family pressuring me about it and just refusing to respect my asexuality and desire to be childfree.)
I’ve also had a previous therapist who was a so-called ally basically questioning if I was Really Ace and “well how can you be bisexual and ace” etc-one of the many, many reasons why I finally got the courage to switch to who I’m currently with now.
Bottom line: if they say this Shit then they are most likely NOT a good fit for you and you’re better off “therapist shopping” for someone else. (And in my experience? A poor-fit to outright shitty therapist is…actually WORSE than no therapist at all, back when I was on my family’s insurance verses state’s medicaid and had only 4-5 visits covered *Per YEAR* (including testing).)
I’m 21 I didn’t come out to my full family as lesbian till I was 18 but told both my parents at 16 I kinda always knew or suspected it. Wasn’t positive till I had my first crush on my best friend. My mother accepted me right away as she put it she already knew lol. My dad is Christian and still believes it’s a sun and I’ll go to hell. I’m about to be 21 this November in a few days. I really used to let it get to me about my dad not accepting, don’t get me wrong I still have those moments. Now I just own it and come down to the point that I wasn’t just changing my life but I was also changing his, from meeting a man and becoming a mother to marrying a woman and wanting to adopt. I don’t hate my dad for not accepting me because apart of me I do get it. He grew up that way it’s all he knows in a sense and I just tore his page right out of the book. But I also know that if he loves me someday he will come around and I do hope he does. I haven’t talked to him in 6 years here soon. It’s definitely not easy coming out I’ve been told it’s a faze, I haven’t met the right guy, it will pass, the devil is pulling my stings Ect. And alot of us are told that I still all the time get men messaging me on Facebook saying they can change my mind. First that also used to bother me but thing is we live in a world where there’s always gonna be one person who accept you and another who dosent. It’s a struggle but the real hard part is understanding it. I’m happy in my life I have an amazing girlfriend who all I wanna do is make her smile and she’s the same way. The hard part is knowing you stick out in a crowd but being the leader and showing it’s okay than being the follower and letting the hate happen. I’m also a big sister to two younger siblings both my siblings accept me. They don’t fully understand it but they try to because they know it can help me and others like me. I always knew I was gay or atleast suspected it. But I can say for anyone who is still discovering and learning take your time don’t force yourself to come out till your ready and yes it’s terrifying but when it’s all said and done accepted or not you not coming out as gay your stepping up and coming out as yourself best wishes to everyone here ❤
So I am someone who is a man that lies somewhere on the spectrum between 'gay' and 'straight.' It's 2022, who needs labels, I'm attracted to people I'm attracted to. I also worked for a while at a gay bar in New Orleans. By FAR the most unwelcoming, misunderstanding, and generally douchey group of people (not that I like to put people in groups) I've interacted with is old gay men. They have this weird need to gatekeep their gayness, and the fact that I have sex with women immediately means I don't count as a person. It's basically an extremely insular community, and if you don't fit certain criteria (make good money, be attractive, hate everything male-cis-gendered), you don't exist and you're not worthy of consideration. Unless you're pretty, then you're worthy of consideration as an object. Hence how I got the job at the gay bar.
When people gatekeep their gayness, it is even worse to me than the people that don't believe in it
Dang, thanks for sharing. Sorry about that experience.
My therapist once said: “I think the issue here is that your thinking too much” and she was right. Because of my social anxiety I was constantly overthinking everything. It wasn’t a diagnosis, it was a conclusion she took from our dialogue, that I still wholeheartedly agree with.
I always knew i was bi/pan (call it bi but i love the person not the gender) but i did not have words for it as a kid, growing up i was called a tomboy and a lesbian, i found out you could be bi and settled, my friends and most family always knew, but my mom started saying "yes but females are friends right?" when i turned 20, i don't know what happened or what she means, but i did tell her that i have friends both male and female and i can be in a relationship with both males and females and others, and she just said "yea of course"..
Most love interests has been male, as i have not met many girls who was bi, gay or open..
I have not had any trouble, but i am also from a more (sorry) sexually free country so its not as big a problem here. I do meet people who tell me i am straight as i have never had sex with a female, but i always tell them that i am also asexual so I'm not gonna go to the club and just boink a female "just because". My mom has acted weird, but I'm like 5 years into a wonderful relationship with my partner so she don't say anything anymore. I don't tell people that doesn't know me, and if they get to know me they will probably pick it up from the memes i share or the way i talk.
Sexuality to me is like your hair color- or whether or not you even have hair at all. Sure you can dye it but even if I walk around with blue hair my roots are still going to grow blonde. It's not something you can permanently change and if you do it too often you're going to damage your hair, just like staying in the closet is going to hurt you. Telling a non cis-het person they're going to hell for being non cis-het is as affective as telling a ginger they don't have a soul. It is neither true nor helpful in anyway.
Not to mention that the simple suggestion of "You just have to try harder and find your gay-ness/bi-ness/ace-ness so you could truly embrace all of heavens creation. You just think you're straight!" should make kind of clear ho it's not a matter of choice. The internal response of "there's no way I can start feeling an attraction that is not there" is clear even to straight people. And we can go as far as asking why they think it is that priests and nuns have to internally cleanse their "sinful" sides all thetime when it's oh so simple and doable and natural to disown human nature. That's just not how humans work. Yes, we can choose to suppress. But even then the fact that sth. that is innate must be superficially and constantlly be stuffed back into the closet remains unchanged! :'3
@@KxNOxUTA They also argue that animals are without sin, which I don't disagree with, but then they also don't accept that homosexuality exists in every single species of animal on the planet while homophobia only exists in humans. The proof that their argument can't be supported is right there but they're unwilling to accept or even acknowledge it.
I come from a family of four siblings. I am the oldest - there were 3 girls and one boy. My brother was the youngest of us. My sisters and I knew that he was gay when he was 14. However, he didn't know it yet. When he finally got it sorted out, he came out to us and our parents. ALL OF US were supportive of him. HE was the one who had the really difficult time accepting he was gay. I think he came to terms with the fact that he was gay much earlier than he would have otherwise because we loved him and accepted him for who he was.
Truth. My gender isn’t my choice and it’s damaging to try and convince me it is, it why I am the age I am and transitioning and didn’t do it sooner
Interesting. I had a therapist just ask the sexuality question during intake. When I said that I wasn't sure if I identified as bi or not because it seems too binary and I'm not really sure what kind of wording seems like the right or appropriate way to describe my sexuality, she kind of broke it down like you did. She asked if I experience sexual attractions to women to which I, of course, could offer an unqualified yes. It made it much simpler than trying to parse the often-politicized identity labels that are out there.
I may be the only gay person who is going to be honest about this but I have no idea why I'm attracted to the same gender, absolutely none. Could it have been my upbringing...maybe, maybe I was born that way but I really have no clue, attraction is one of those things where you have no idea why you feel the way you do, you just do.
Actually there's a TED talk about some interesting science there. And it talked about that possibly being an evolution related thing. In which possibly women under specific conditions are more likely to have a gay child. It talked about how in a family system where the birthgiver is under stress and maybe the reproduction base already covered (e.g. by previous straight children), the chance for a gay child seems to rise. Because children which reproduce are likely to leave the household and form their own. While - evolutinary speaking - gay children who do not reproduce are more likely to have capacity to stay in or support the original core family.
So, in my own clumsy words: Birthing a gay child as a birthgiver under stress and with succession bbase covered, is more beneficial for the survival of the family.
I hope I'm not rude and if so, then I'm ready to correct myself, but I felt reminded of how it's normal and in our instinct to secure an abundance of resources "for the bad times".
Workforce and social support are part of that equation. Before, people were more likely to have communities covering for that. But in our western society structures, it's actually way more likely that we have that scenario. Child death rates are low, child survival is high. Stressed pregnant people being left alone with several children and in need of reliable support with the family situation and not much comunity to help out are a frequent occurance. And it makes a lot of sense for evolution to have solutions for such cases. In the past and now.
I remember the person from he TED talk mention sth. about flipping the switches of certain genes? I understood it like ... upon building an entire human during pregnancy, the state of the mother may have an influenc of which of the components get set. And that there's possibly an environmental related intelligenceto that process!
I've not yet taken the time to check out that study in more detail and I'm terrible at remembering names. So please take this with a huge grain of salt. And feel very free to fac check. I just mentioned for the factor that there's some science out there suggesting that your preset attraction may have an actually solid purpose. As opposed to being some random variation that "just happens". Although it's maybe something between these two ends on a spectrum?
@@KxNOxUTA Yes, I know exactly which TED talk you are referring to, I saw it too. The point is humans aren’t just their genes and while being an interesting hypothesis it hasn’t actually been robustly tested, it still lacks studying women and children, the data was only on several adult males, in my scientific opinion that’s not good enough to say that’s the primary cause. Besides, moms from every culture reject their gay children, so does society in general, in global terms gay people are not acceptable to society so if that hypothesis is true society is either really shooting itself in the foot or that idea is functionally useless. I have no place in my family, don’t you get it, my family doesn’t want me even though taking care of my family might be my responsibility the truth is I’m not wanted, very few gay people are. Society believes that they would be better off without us, maybe they are right, it could just be a fluke that served a purpose when we were unintelligent but now serves no purpose at all but to ruin the lives of the people born with it. Make no mistake, all gay people’s lives are ruined the second they are honest with themselves. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to just be celibate, no amount of sex is worth losing your family over. I was stupid and didn’t want to be the kind of coward who lives without ever having sex, what kind of life is that? But it’s more of a life than what I have now.
Thank you for making this video!!!
Mine is an atypical situation. I come from a trad faith background and I'm bi. My family doesn't know. I'm afraid to come out to them. I have spent the last 15 years with a man. He's pansexual, and he and I always knew that. From the outside, we came across as this hetero couple, y'know, with 3 kids, so we just played off that perception. Even married and monogamous, orientation doesn't change.
A year ago, my spouse came out as trans. He- now *she*- was in an Online relationship with another trans person from out of state. I filed for divorce. I did not sign up for that. I can't Photoshop the past 15 years and pretend my partner was always this woman because, to me, they never presented as such. My now ex calls me a "hypocrite," but this is different. In the framework of our relationship, they were never a woman first, despite what she claims now.
Now, I fear dating. I fear meeting a wonderful woman because my family won't tolerate this. I fear that, now that they know my ex is trans and pan, me coming out as bi after all these years, I won't be taken seriously. "Not bi, just messed up from how your marriage ended." My folks will be quick to dismiss any "tryst" as me being sickened and warped by this, and they'll dismiss me. Tell me I'm sinning, that I'm going to hell. I'm 32, and I should have come out years ago, even while married to the man I thought they were- and monogamous- I wish I had the courage to at least be honest with my relatives, because with the circumstances, I may never feel able to.
If it helps to frame the situation, everything he said here applies to gender. I don't know any trans person who wishes they were trans. While you wouldn't have to actually Photoshop the past it's ok if you can't go on this journey with your ex. As for coming out yourself, yeah you're a bit late to the game but do whatever you need to do to stay safe first and foremost. I know people who never came out to anyone but a couple of people. That doesn't mean when you date you can expect others to get back into the closet with you but if you find someone who's where you are you can go on this journey together.
Hi. Trans guy here. I was married to my now ex for 3 years, we were together for 7. I lived as female for 37 years. I would never have chosen this. If I could have just been happy as a woman, could have just BEEN a woman... but I'm not and it got so hard to pretend, hard to deny it.
I sorry you were hurt, and I completely understand that to you you had a husband and not a wife. She was male presenting and that's how you interacted.
I have zero advice on dating, just don't give up and try to live as your most authentic self. If your family can't accept you, that's their bad, not yours. I wish you happiness.
I'm sorry. How difficult. I hope you can find a supportive therapist to support you. ❤
I’m 34 and bi, also not out to my conservative evangelical family. Personally, I’m not out to them because I still live at home and I’m dependent on my parents, but it’s a daily struggle to have to make sure I don’t slip up. When I do move out and am able to come out, I know they will blame sexual trauma in my past and call it sin, but for me relieving myself of the burden of pretending to be someone I’m not will be worth it. If they let my truth ruin our relationship, then it wasn’t worth hanging onto. It’s a tough decision, make your own choice for you…not for anyone else. And think of the example you want to set for those around you, including your kids.
I want to point out that there is a subtype of OCD known as Sexual Orientation OCD. It was previously called Homosexual OCD or H-OCD. The name has been changed for obvious reasons, but also because it affects all sexual orientations. With Sexual Orientation OCD, you have intrusive thoughts and anxiety surrounding your sexual orientation. Mainly, it's about intrusive thoughts and panic surrounding what gender orientation you are attracted to. This leads to compulsive checking behaviors that can consume and overtake your life. You can really confuse and muddle up so much in your brain researching, checking, looking at pictures and videos, thinking about every person you come in contact with, analyzing your feelings about every person.
In this instance, it is not helpful to say, "If you think you're gay, you're gay." Because the person might not be exclusively gay at all, their SO-OCD just hounds them all day that they are. And of course with OCD, you need to learn to sit with the discomfort, and not give into compulsive behaviors. It could be that that therapist has a limited understanding of OCD, and is trying to communicate what they know, but I'm guessing this is just a bad therapist this person got.
I want to point this out because I think if someone were struggling with SO-OCD, and especially dealing with questioning if they are gay due to SO-OCD, they could very well go further down the OCD rabbit hell hole. So I think it's important to acknowledge that, because it isn't very often when therapists talk about sexual orientation. Or when anyone talks about sexual orientation and trying to find understand or come to terms with their sexual orientation.
I personally struggled with S-OCD for a very, very long time. I let it consume me for a decade because I didn't realize that it was my OCD. I thought for 10 years that I was gay, despite feeling like something about that wasn't accurate. All my checking compulsions just made me more confused. I ruminated and ruminated, checked and checked, and spent excessive amounts of energy and anxiety trying to figure it out and understand. I also had the compulsion to kiss women, it got more and more frequent, until it became any woman I came in contact with, including my relatives and certain women I could say with 100% certainty I was not attracted to. I started to have harm OCD around the same time and I started realizing the similarities between the compulsions. I finally brought it up in therapy, which my therapist immediately told me was OCD.
I knew it was OCD, but part of me wondered how much? What about this thing? What about that thing? What about that one experience? Eventually through various circumstances, I wound up at a therapy center that specializes in OCD. I had a wonderful therapist that really got me to open up, and she really broke it down for me showed me things in therapy books about SO-OCD, and we worked on treating the OCD properly. It took years of work, but I no longer have the compulsion to kiss anyone. I learned to recognize intrusive thoughts, and trust myself more as separate from my intrusive thoughts. I can now say with certainty that I am straight. Do intrusive thoughts pop up sometimes? Yes. But I know what they are and I know not to go down the OCD rabbit hell hole of rumination and compulsions. I have clarity now about who I am that I didn't before. I still have other types of OCD. It's still there. But it's managed and not controlling every second of brain power from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.
I share this because I think it's important for anyone struggling with their sexuality and what label to put on it, that might be experiencing intrusive thoughts, and struggling with compulsions and ruminating, that this may be what has got you so confused and blocked. Please check out the International OCD Foundation website for all kinds of information, including how to find a therapist in your area that specializes in OCD. For a really good breakdown of SO-OCD, please take a look at this link below. It's a great article that clarifies so much.
www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-sexual-orientation-ocd-so-ocd-your-guide-to-this-ocd-subtype
So much love to everyone on their journeys of understanding who they are and who they love.
Beautiful, thank you! And I really like that he is from a traditional religious background.
I realized i'm bisexual at 13. At 30 I realized i'm also a trans guy but at 13 when I realized i'm bi I thought it was a sin and was told things like "it's a phase" and stuff like that, so I tried to pray the "gay part" of me away for a few years reading the bible over and over. I'm no longer Christian (I do not hate Christians, I know there are many wonderful Christians) and i'm proud to be bi and trans now (and realize I was trying to pray away the wrong attraction lol). It's been a journey. Some people accept that i'm bi, some don't. If they don't, that's their problem, I know i'm bi and that's obviously not changing, and i'm happy with that.
You're all amazing. This comment section is quite cathartic to read through. I'm an atheist, and I'm personally glad that I wasn't raised religious. I am, however, very LGBT (my gender, and sexual and romantic orientations are best described by some kind of obscure words that are sort of hard to explain). I've taken several years of thinking about those things about myself, and there've already been times where I thought I had all the answers. I have a couple of people who I know will accept me no. matter. what. And it feels so good. I wish everybody had that.
Loved this video! You guys earned yourself a new subscriber. Keep up the good work! 😁😁
There was a This American Life episode where one of the staff or contributors thought she was gay but later realized she wasn't, so it happens.
Alysha has HAD her coffee today. Girl is, enthusiastically, on topic.
I asked my old Doctor for a gender clinic referral when I was 21 because I was coming out as a trans man, she said, "I'm sure it's just a phase, you'll get over it." She gave me leaflets for local church groups knowing full well I was pagan. I switched doctor and practice immediately, told my new doctor that I needed a referral and he said "Okay, no problem, I'll send the referral tonight." I'm now on T and he orders blood test appointments every month to monitor my heart and T levels.
TLDR/ Sometimes you just need to find a medical professional that has your best interest at heart instead of their ideals and agendas.
did anyone hear that based on your trauma in your childhood, like not getting the feeling of being loved from your father or mother or both, that because of that your bisexual? like because you search for love "in everyone" male or female.
like it's still in my head and it always comes up and it's making me feel so.. idk weird and like it's not true but only based on my trauma.
just curious if there are some people that also heard that or got that planted in their heads.
I’m sorry you were told that
nah thats some bs man...whoever told u that lied to you
Aces get told “you’re not ace you’re just autistic” (rude. there are plenty of allosexual autistic folks, and many aces who are not autistic), or “you’re just a late bloomer” (um. many of us are adults. If that “holds any water”, Greyace and Demiace exist; they’re still part of the ace community.) Or “you can’t know unless you try it!” (hah. Sexual attraction =/= libido or being sex-favorable/neutral. Many aces like sex, many don’t.)
Or, perhaps my “favorite”: “you’re only ace because you’ve been sexually abused/too ugly/never found the Right One”
And aros often get “you’re just afraid of commitment/you just haven’t met the Right One.”
Within the queer community there is a LOT of gatekeeping of aces and aros, to the point we’re often only “tolerated” if we have NO Attraction whatsoever. When, that’s not how it works. There are indeed many aroaces who don’t experience preference to the point of None, but that’s not everyone. Someone can be aroace but still identify as lesbian. Aromantic and gay. Asexual and heteroromantic. Etc etc etc. We’re all still ace and/or aro, and by definition queer and part of the queer community.
(Asexuality was only recently taken off the disorder list in like 2017, I think? And apparently despite being left out of the conversation about conversion “therapy”, we were one of the largest percentages victimized there too.)
I have never heard of that before... that thought is weirding me out
Never heard of that, but I've known straight people (and gay people) that weren't loved by their mother and/or father and they're not bisexual.
I don't think there is space for having different opinions on sexuality or gender when it comes to whether they are "okay" or do "exist". It is denying basic human needs and rights. Which devalues us instantly and shows no respect at all.
When I was 32 I returned to community mental health from a private network, I had been in therapy on and off since I was 20, I did my intake and got my first apt, upon meeting my new therapist they asked me when I first got my schizophrenia diagnosis and I was confused because that had never been a diagnosis I had received before. For reference it is very rare to develop that condition at such a 'late' age barring extreme circumstances. so the therapist started digging in the notes saw something and went and got her boss, apparently the intake person had decided that since I was polytheist I must have multiple personalities.... that intake person was fired and the assessment was redone....
I am non-binary, polysexual (in my case attracted to feminine and androgenous humans) human. I have had some family members who have been supportive but my siblings have not been. In different ways. One outright degrades and calls me his "brother", denying who I am and how I see myself. Even though I have told him, that is not ok. I don't expect immediate changes, not realistic. But for a person to atleast try. The other brother is more complicate, very conservative christian. So we just don't talk a lot. Luckily we are in separate provinces. In both my experience and in the work I have done as a counselor/ social worker I would disagree that identity is not an important piece. Yes, these are separate they may not necessarily match. I knew a bisexual woman once and she identified as lesbian because the lesbian group she was apart of was discriminatory towards bisexual folks. It was a way of a level of safety and acknowledging herself in the best way she could in that context. In general though, Identity is a very important piece to most queer/ trans* folks. Why, because as an oppressed group in a society that is still not seen as equals, attacked, our rights to be acknowledged for who we are, ect. We are the other, in the context of our society, culture and possibly our community or family. Identity gives us a place to feel at home and connect to others that gets it. Jonathan I would like to challenge you a little here... your heterosexuality may not be an identity for you but that is because this aspect of who you are is accepted in our society, or to be afraid to walk down the street for the person you were in a relationship with, or to where clothing or body parts that did not fit the norm ect. Your privilege. :) Anyway, my thoughts, experiences and things to think about.
I thought at 13:49 you were going to say, "And watch movies!" 😂
To be real, nowadays, because of this rapid evolution, I would introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Lilly, pronouns she/her." I see nothing wrong with that. I think it's beneficial, even, just so we're all on the same page. Even my bio at work has the feminine pronouns, but I work for a progressive...ish...college. STILL working on our racism policy...sigh.
I've recently started questioning my gender identity and my therapist was not available and it's not her specialty either so I tried to talk to someone else. Now that was an experience. I felt like I wasn't even talking to therapist, she was so unprofessional. I didn't want to open with "I am nonbinary" because I wanted to arrive to that point together but we never did. I described my feelings and they were boiled down to "I don't feel like I'm a woman.". Now from here, we went to "Where do you think your femininity got derailed?", "Are you a lesbian?", "Have you tried it with a woman?". I tried to tell her that my femininity never really existed, I just have some feminine traits as well as masculine ones but there was no success. So, at the end of our session, she told me she can change a car tyre and it was hard for her husband to get used to her being so capable and I was like... that's great, that's just great, well worth my time and money.
That was more like a satire, so I thought I'd try to talk to a friend and what I got was: "You should not get upset because you had a few bad dates, people just don't get it you are a bit more complex."
Then I called a hotline. That one, I recommend, it was peer ot peer help at its best.
A similar question to this is those who say "if you're not ready to recieve a child, you shouldn't be sexually active at all". I have major health problems and if I was to get pregnant, I would have to stop with my medicines, which would make me very ill (before I got my meds, I weighed 38kg and was in constant pain - not the best circumstance to have a baby), so it wouldn't be advicable for me to have a child at my age because of this. This is a deep grief for me, not having become a mother, and I've experienced rejection from men who really want to become fathers and therefore not choose me. So hearing people tell me that I should live alone for the rest of my life, just because I'm too sick to be pregnant, is very hurtful. When I hear that, I always think that this must be how homosexuals feel when people tell them they have to live in celebacy because they are gay.
I heard that from my family. I never came out to my therapist, but she gave me homophobic vibes so I didn't go back 😛 She couldn't undersand how "a pretty girl" in her 20s never had a boyfriend, and I assumed she must be a bit "old-fashioned" about homosexuality (she was old)
She may have (also) been old fashioned about female social roles. Aka searching for "the problem" in any behaviours that divert from the norm. But either way it's not a good place for you to be! So good you didn't go back. Hope you may go somewhere safe instead.
Dear gays, lesbians, bis, pans, and aces attorney:
I love you. Keep rolling. The heteroes know what they did.
:) We love you back.
I grew up in the south and went through conversion therapy a few times one time done by a licensed therapist. You got them putting their beliefs on you or gaslighting you about something you cannot change such as your sexuality isn't going to be a good therapist for you. And if a therapist is trying to "prey the gay away" report them because conversion therapy is torture not healthcare.
Btw y'all did well on addressing this and wish there were more therapists like y'all sadly depending where you live the prey the gay away kind are all you really got. Or worse they tell you your only queer because of trauma... That's a whole other can of worms though
I eventually had to have the talk with my mom that she didn’t have to like that I was gay but she had to respect me as a person and respect that I am gay or I wouldn’t speak to her anymore. I was 18 and moved out and I think that finally got her to see that I am a person and not some child who is “confused” about who they are.
One of the things I loved about my previous therapist was her attitude. She would say that she was there to throw ideas/strategies out there to find ones that worked for me. When I had trouble holding my breath in the breathing technique she suggested, but used focused deep breathing to stop hiccups, she said I should use that to calm myself down.
She is also the one who first suggested I could be autistic. Afte help raising two autistic kids, the thought I could be autistic never crossed my mind. But after thinking about all my quirks, I realized it could be true. Even if some family members act like they don't think it's true.
The hardest part for me is being asked to not talk about my relationship or about my family. Or the deliberate misgendering or deadnaming of my child. I’ve been accused of abandoning my extended family but how am I supposed to build and maintain relationships with people who don’t want to hear anything about the life I’ve made with my partner? Or with people who won’t accept my children for who they are? I can’t describe how much it hurts when my siblings are invited to bring their partners but I’m asked to come alone. The choice I had to take was to walk away. It was hard, and I’ve been demonized for it, but me and my family’s well-being is more important.
I'd love an episode on therapy for medical trauma.
I had a therapist tell me that I didn't feel much attraction to men because my Epilepsy medication affected my neurochemistry. It made me feel broken. I thought a medication I've needed since I was 12 had destroyed an essential part of my personhood. Years later, I met a group of ace people at Pride and they said, "That's perfectly normal. You're probably on the asexual spectrum. You can like women romantically and still be ace." I went home and researched and I am most definitely a grey ace sapphic. Wish my doctors had mentioned that instead of making me feel broken for 25 years.
I think it should be very obvious for therapists to not interfere in such personal matters, like it should be part of their training.
I live in a relatively homophobic country and my therapist is a very religious woman but she never ever made any statement that is homophobic she never suggested that my sexuality is invalid, regardless of what she practices or believes in her day to day life. She understands that im not here to assess my sexuality or my religious beliefs so she leaves that outside of the session, which should be the bare minimum lol.
If i was talking to someone of the same sex she would ask about how that connection is going the same way she’d ask about an opposite sex connection.
I Wish They Had Mentioned The People Who Aren’t Attracted to Anybody,The People Who Are Attracted to More Than 1 Gender,People Who Don’t Feel Romantic Attraction,People Who Feel Romantic Attraction Differently From Others,People Who Don’t Identify as Any Gender,People Who Identify as a Gender That’s Different From Their Assigned Sex at Birth,&,Etc.
I live a life of self acceptance to the best of my ability.
Although, I often get disregarded by my family and other people who are in my life.
I'm "lucky" to be extremely open in my appreciation (sexual or otherwise) for the various people that been able to accept and love me for who I am.
Love as much of a cliche is the best way to treat eachother.
I haven't experienced this so much with my sexuality, but I'm going through this right now with my gender identity. Parents trying to look for any other reason for the feelings Im having and trying to explain to me why I feel the way that I do. Instead of just respecting how I feel and accepting me regardless. I'm not even asking for them to completely understand or agree, just support my choice in life...