Therapists React to LOVE, SIMON with guest Dr. Elliott Carthy
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- Опубликовано: 19 июн 2024
- What can you do when you don't feel like you fit in? When you don't feel like you can fully be yourself?
Licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright team up with psychiatrist Dr. Elliott Carthy to talk about acceptance -- of others, and of ourselves -- in Love, Simon. They talk about depictions of LGBTQ+ stories and stereotypes in the media. From personal experience, as well as media depictions, they discuss how each person's experience with coming out and/or coming to accept yourself is different, and the power of family and support when going through changes, growing into yourself, or facing difficult things. People don't fit into boxes - we're all complex, shades of gray, and we can't use stereotypes and cognitive shortcuts to box people in.
See more from Dr. Elliott Carthy here:
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Written by: Megan Seawright, Jonathan Decker and Alan Seawright
Produced by: Jonathan Decker, Megan Seawright & Alan Seawright
Edited by: Trevor Horton, tzhediting.com
Director of Photography: Bradley Olsen
English Transcription by: Anna Preis 
Кино
My parents hadn't known each other for long when my mom got pregnant with me. She told me that, during her pregnancy, she asked my dad what he would do if their child turned out to be gay. He looked at her like she had three heads and said, "ummm... love them?" Like it was the most obvious answer and why would she even ask? As it turns out, my sister and I are both bisexual. It brings me a lot of comfort to know that they accepted me before I was even born. I wish the same for any child.
EDIT: guys, thank you so much. My parents and I cannot believe the support this comment has gotten. Seriously, my parents are absolutely blown away by the amount of love and kindness everyone has shown. I am so happy that many of you feel the same way about accepting children for who they are and it gives me hope!!! I hope you're all doing well and I'm sending virtual hugs to all 4.4k of you!!
Daaaamn a like from CT themselves!! I'm honored, thank you!
That's so heartwarming, your parents sound like wonderful people! 🥰💖
@@trinaq they really are!!!!
My sister and I are both bisexual as well. We like to joke that it's genetic
Well if this isn’t my favorite thing I’ve heard today ❤️❤️❤️
"You get to exhale now, Simon." Jennifer improvised that line and it always gets me. It's so REAL.
This is actually all I’ve seen of the movie due to the mixed press it gets in LGBT+ spaces but damn, I was tearing up at merely that. Such a beautiful line.
@@AcrimoniousMirth I'd still recommend you watch it and then see for yourself what your opinion is. It's still a good movie. I loved his conversation with his mom and the best scene was when people "came out" as straight to their parents. It's sad that for a lot of people coming out isn't as "easy" as it is portrayed in Love, Simon, but I think it's a good example as how it should be like (or at least close to how it should be)
I’ll put it on the list for this weekend :)
She did?! That's incredible
Fr. That and “I’m still me”. Gets me every time
A major problem I had with this film and with the book was the blackmail. Simon's friends were understandably upset at what he'd done to them, but they didn't realize how deadly being outed can be to a gay teen. Simon's parents were cool to him, but many parents disown their children, send them to dangerous reparative therapy, or even throw them onto the street.
Simon was outed against his will. If I'd been outed in high school, I probably would have had to run away to my grandmother's because my dad would have never tolerated me.
I think what pissed me off the most is how the friends made everything about themselves. Like yeah he did a shitty thing against his will bc he was blackmailed and they acted like he did it just to be mean or something.
I still think they nailed the parents' reaction though
@@disasterbi6295 gotta keep in mind, that in a developing teen brain, its all about yourself. everything feels monumental when you are at that stage, your brain aint fully developed, you usually have more hormones than you ever will during your life, and you dont have the life experience to put your own feelings on the shelf to be able to feel for someone else.
in that regard, i feel the movie portrayed Simon's friends perfectly
@Death Omen How is that a "good problem"? Gay youth are tossed from their homes everyday and many of them die as a result. His friends took their petty problems and punished him for trying to survive. Some kids would kill themselves after that happened. Gay teen suicides are epidemic in the US.
@Death Omen reading comprehension love. They aren’t mad that the film showed him being outed, that’s the point. They’re upset that his friends made him being outed about THEM because yeah it was shitty what he did but he was being blackmailed.
@Death Omen What's with this new trend of people using "rEaDiNg CoMpReHeNsIoN" as an insult? Especially when everyone's having a reasonable discussion. Just neging someone for no reason I guess.
Anyway, I see your point and I get why some people didn't like it. Simon had it easy and not everyone is that lucky, but I also don't want every movie with a gay protag to turn into a horror movie. And with the teens making it about themselves- that's SUPER realistic 😅
What's portrayed in a movie doesn't have to be what's right, sometimes it's just what's real and how that affects people.
Oh Alan, never change. I teared up when you were expressing how worried you will be when you cannot help your children through some things in life.
It's refreshing to see men expressing emotions and being sensitive to things, it's far more 'manly' in my opinion.
I wholeheartedly agree, and expressed much the same sentiment in my own comment, but also expanded on my own similar fears. Feel free to check it out, if you'd like.
But, yeah, totally agree, Alan is the manliest man because he isn't afraid to open up and be vulnerable.
Totally agree! I adore Alan and think that he's a good example of healthy masculinity; it takes courage to let your vulnerability show. It does not detract from any man's virility at all, but accentuates it, and it's so refreshing to see men displaying that emotional honesty (provided that it's not over something tiny or in a life-and-death situation).
Facts! I agree.
Then: It’s gay to cry
Now: it’s gay not to cry
Emotional Control is a very adult thigh tho. Don cry all Willy nilly.
My favourite scene in this movie is when Simon's dad apologises to him for unknowingly making him feel uncomfortable for years with dodgy jokes. Ultimately, he comes to terms with Simon's sexuality, and by the time "Love Victor" rolls around, he's helping other parents support their LGBTQA Plus teens. 🏳️🌈
That scene with Simon and his dad is so powerful! 😭
I think so often media has the power to influence people and how they accept or reject people or ideas. There is a responsibility to give meaningful representation and to set a precedent, an example, on how to open up and accept something that you have no experience with or that somebody may have told you you must reject.
I think a lot of Duhamel’s character is something all of us who grew up in the 90s, especially boys, did or still do. Personally, I never had an issue with anyone’s sexuality or how they saw themselves. But there is that bravado, especially with jock-type guys from that era where you make the “that’s so gay” jokes. It was that toxic masculine culture that so much of sports and growing up as a teenage boy back then revolved around.
Now for me, that kind of stuff stopped early into college when I suddenly had out homosexual friends. I came home for the homecoming game at my high school and one of the guys I played football with was out with his boyfriend. You have that “Oh Jesus…what kind of dickhead was I?!?” moment and you stammer your apologies and get emotional (again, was the chubby kid-lineman who also did theater stuff so I got mad fun of all the time-and I hated it). Mike was great about it, and just put a hand on my shoulder and said: don’t worry-I knew you didn’t care and didn’t mean it. But that was it…that was the end of my “that’s so [this or that]” speech. Now Josh Duhamel is a little older than me-but not by that much-we would have had that same kind of rapport with people we played sports with and it would have become part of our lexicon. And looking back at the kinds of things we would say can still hurt.
I was literally in tears from that scene. It was beautiful and such an inversion of the tropes that generally would be used in that scene. I was so happy to see it, both in the movie and I was so glad they addressed it in this video.
When his dad said 'four years', you can see Simon tense up, and you're expecting him to go 'why didn't you tell me?' and instead he apologises for missing it, and I think that's the most important reaction.
I love the line “doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t have missed it” really goes to show how the father regrets all the mistakes he’d made
a tipical and real reaction
That’s really good ownership I think. As an LGBTQ person, I find the dad’s apology for his mistakes very real (even though it’s obviously scripted fiction), and it made me feel a lot of sympathy for both him AND Simon, because Simon doesn’t care so much that his dad didn’t notice he was gay, he just wants love and support. And for the dad, he understandably feels regretful for not noticing something about his kid that is another part of them, but now that he sees it, he’s starting to realize how important it is to his kid, and treats it with the utmost respect and care
@@Overseer2579I ugly cry tears of joy every time the scene pops up, I just love it ugh 😭💙
Every single time when Jonathan mentions something that is explicitly inclusive of non binary people, it gives me so much comfort. Like when I first came out to people outside my queer cycle, like family or friends I first had to explain what non binary even means. Seeing two cishet people running a show, which doesn't focus on Queer stuff, including non binary people in their language just makes me happy. The first time I heard them say something about non binary people, like totally normal and not making a fuss about it, just mentioning them, gave me enorm Euphoria and no every time it comes up it still feels so good. It's like whenever there's this micro aggression, that leaves a paper cut, things like that are like some calming balm making it hurt less.
If that is not the most relatable thing, idk what is. Something about what you’ve said has resonated so strongly with me. Thank you for putting into words what I’ve struggled to for a loooong time :)
This is so real
I too am non-binary and I could not have phrased this better. Every time they refur to someone with gender nutral language is like this swell of affirming comfort. A reminder that I'm welcome in this space.
same! im also nonbinary and it can get frustrating when people dont even try to understand the nonbinary community, and just assume a gender on us anyway. im glad i found a fellow nonbinary!!
In another video, they mentioned microaffections as a way to keep relationships healthy. Inclusive language is the best microaffection.
Can I say that I love Simon's relationship with his sister? I love her character in the movie. She is younger but acts with such maturity, like reporting the post about Simon's sexuality and then trying to shut her father up, when he jokes after Simon's coming out. She is such an amazing support.
@@RaineInChaos he has an older sister?!!!
Yeah, that’s a great support system right there. It makes you want to see even more of her and Simon interacting in the movie
@@KayaaaaDeIn the book Simon has two sisters. Alice, his older sister, and Nora, his younger sister. I seem to remember something about them calling themselves the chipmunks because they're Alice, Simon, and Nora, like Alvin, Simon and Theodore.
Notice that among the heterosexual presumption is also the presumption that anything “fem” is bad. Imagine how that makes us women feel to constantly hear men devaluing anything feminine among themselves. It’s bad enough for us, I’m honestly astounded by how difficult it must be for men to be terrified of being rejected by other men for being too much like us in any way, regardless of sexuality. Want to be a teacher or a nurse or any type of caregiver? Too Fem! (Also, the pay sucks because it’s a “woman’s” profession and women are just happy to have ANY of our labor paid) Like Downton Abbey or sewing or any kind of craft that doesn’t involve smashing things? Fem! Find men sexually attractive? *gasp* It must be just overwhelmingly exhausting.
You hit the nail right on the head. Ever since I was in elementary school I remember boys just being horrified and exaggerating reactions of disgust to ANYTHING that was “girly.” My own brother admits to having some fucked up perceptions of girls when he was little that he just got from society before our parents taught him better. What’s shitty is that it always has to be retaught or worked on from a young age if men have any hope of not being misogynistic. No teachers ever stepped in or said anything, giving us girls the impression that what they were saying and doing was justified, and that just hits your self esteem and sticks with you because your brain is like a freaking sponge when you’re little. Something needs to change when they’re young, and schools must take on that responsibility.
Hearing a man every insult another man by calling him feminine or girly or a woman would be an immediate deal breaker. I am all of those things, and you clearly have something against that so I’m out.
Someone (wish I could remember who off the top of my head) observed that pretty much all homophobia is just an outgrowth of misogyny. We're all in this together.
@@romanpurple9352 You are so right! My husband worked at a Catholic school that was 100% homophobic and misogynistic. Teachers and students would talk openly about how all "gays" are secretly pedophiles, girls were constantly blamed for "inflaming" the male students just by taking off their sweaters (because "it's undressing!"), the priest who was the school chaplain preached almost every day at daily mass how God is going to destroy America because it legalized gay marriage, the founder of the school waxed eloquent on how girls were the "weaker sex" physically, mentally, and emotionally *and said this directly to the students*, and the former headmaster was just kicked out for having sexually assaulted a former student. My husband got out of there as soon as he could land another job.
@@natsmith303 Great insight, but now I'm singing it! "We're all in this together...!"
"Representation matters"
I've had arguments with people who don't understand the need for representation,or outright disagree with it. They are always straight white men. It's hard to see the need for representation when you ARE represented in virtually every single TV and film since its invention. That's why it's so important for people like these to talk about it.
And I love them for it
There's really no leg to stand on for the argument against diversity, either. If representation matters, then all people should be represented. If representation doesn't matter, then there are presumably no barriers to straight white dudes identifying with characters who aren't. So what's the objection?
Straight White English or American men at that. Being from a minority culture, it's really hard to get these people to understand how the lack of representation robs us of a voice.
Yes! Kids need examples to make them confidant and safe in their self expression. I've included the one day you're going to like someone as more than a friend and it's OK if it's a boy or girl, or both, either way is perfectly OK with me. They are what they are and if nothing else, they, and their friends, are safe with me.
Yeah my parents are like that unfortunately... All you can rly do is stand off to a side and hope reality hits them at some point
exactly. well said, friend
My boyfriend is openly bi to everyone in his life except his family. His brother makes horrible jokes at my boyfriend's expense that hit way too close to home, his mother is openly bigoted, one of his previous partners used it as a weapon against him.
This episode broke my heart, but it reminded me that he isn't beholden to that anymore. He can choose (and has chosen) to surround himself with people that love him and accept him. Family is more than blood.
I highly recommend throwing away the whole family and building a new one. It's what I did and there's a lot less tears and stress in my life now.
choose a hetero relationship and be normal. bi suffering
@@joroc you realise bi people do have hetero relationships right? You just assumed this person is a man but they might be a woman.
I find your definition of normal very strange homophobe. Considering over 300 species on the planet exhibit homosexual behaviour but only 1 species acts hateful towards it. Who's normal now?
@@joroc What?? Why? Love matters more than gender dude
Oh the previous partner one is so true especially from experience, for me and friends especially ex partners who where women where the most homophobic when it suited them
Idk why but the dad wanting to sign up for "Facebook for gay people" is really sweet, even if that's not what Grinder is 😂
Grindr makes me miss the sections of newspapers that would have the personal ads: M4W, W4M, M4M, W4W, NSA, Friends Only. Craigslist made those go away until they go rid of them because of issues with sex trafficking.
Yeah, from experience… DEFINITELY not what Grindr is 😂
It does make the dad look a bit like an idiot.
"You get to exhale now, Simon." The BEST quote in the film for me, and Jennifer Garner apparently improvised it on the spot, since she wanted a scene where she connected with Simon. So many powerful emotions! 😭💔🏳️🌈
the best scene EVER
@@sofiaboo6739 I agree
That line made me cry!
I really related to what Simon’s mom said;
She said that it felt like you’ve been holding your breath, and that is what exactly what coming out felt like: breathing for the first time
I'm straight and I can't say that my experience is anything like what it feels like to come out, but after I started talking to my family about my depression the conversation I had with my mom felt very similar, and I'm glad that after coming back and seeing this movie again I'm able to relate to it more, just makes it so much more impactful.
I also have experianced this with mental illness rather than my sexuallity. I have had really bad trauma and when I spoke about it for the first time I felt like I was finally breathing again. It can be so scary because people might see you differently and saying it also makes it feel real but it also allows you to heal or in the case of sexuality, be your self
For me it was the same as well an unforgettable feeling, and that's why it's even more sad when people come out and are met with bad reactions
Gosh that scene got me. I remember coming out and it wasn't wasn't best experience but once I got alone and realized what I had done it really was like taking a deep breath, finally expanding your lungs. Even if it felt like the world was crashing down. It's a really strange feeling honestly.
honestly every coming out is a new breath of fresh air but the before is terrible cause this fear of being a disappointment is like always there? Idk how to explain it? like I could know people around me accept and respect me and yet I still fear it sm😭
The scene where the bullies are publicly making fun of Simon and Ethan, I love that when they cut to Ethan he turns around to look at Simon, not out of embarrassment but out of genuine concern for Simon and his emotions in that moment. It really made the next scene with them where they just talk as people so much more powerful. This movie has a lot of great moments but that one sticks out to me.
Interesting. As an LGBTQ person, this is one of my favorite romcoms, and yet I never noticed that before. Thx for pointing it out, I’ll look for it next time I watch my copy
I also like that the rest of the room doesn’t find it funny. Like the other students seem to find it really awkward in that scene.
@@jessiemartin5391 true, true
@@yanvorona2808 agreed, she was great, but kinda expected somewhat from an authority figure. Ethan’s reaction of empathy: not quite as expected.
Not the same experience, but when I told my mum I'm asexual her first reaction was to ask how my husband felt knowing I wasn't sexually attracted to him. Not to seek out *my* well being, but to ascertain how this affected a man in my life. Standing there, being put in the position of having to defend someone else's feelings about my body; how my entire value as a person was boiled down to how I affected someone else's ego, was incredibly hurtful. My mother is a good person, and our relationship has improved since that moment, but I will always remember that her first reaction came from a place of sexism and aphobia, not just ignorance.
And for the record: my husband has known I'm ace for years. The moment with my mum was me thinking she was finally safe to talk to. She's spent years working to overcome the homo- and trans- phobias she'd been taught, and I thought the timing was right for me. I don't know if it was or not. Maybe if I'd waited she'd have reached a point where she'd know how to react better. Maybe my coming out to her is what she needed. I'll never know.
I feel this. I finally had to come out as ace and heavily hinting that I’m demiaro as well because…they just *wouldn’t leave it alone* with wanting grandchildren (birthed; I don’t know if they’d ever accept adopted/fostered. Hell I don’t know if I *ever* want to parent but I definitely *do not want sex, pregnancy, and childbirth*), pressuring about Online Dating, pressuring about every moderately attractive single guy in our religion…
I still don’t think they understand it. They *somewhat* got Less about marriage and children, but they never *stopped* either. They don’t Get It that I find men smothering, that I’ve YET to interact with a man who wasn’t so desperate he’d “get a mailorder bride from russia” when he (unsolicitated!) grilled me about Marriage and Children and I played my Ace Card. It’s Incel Desperation or getting catcalled. No inbetween. I don’t attract Kind Men, only fertility culture assholes who wanna get some from a 16 yr old (I’m nearly 30. I can’t even trust Random Doubletakes that don’t otherwise creep me tf out.) Or “decent” guys they push me towards to the point I convince myself into “affection” …I always have to take on THEIR interests and cut off MY interests. And it’s so stifling!!!
…and Oh Look I’m Also Bi! And so many of my relationship and gender anxieties just…melt away if Maybe Woman?? except… *I can’t.* My family don’t respect me being aroace, they make queerphobic comments. And I *refuse* to drag another woman into that (…but admittedly would drag an ace guy in ‘cause what we (don’t) do is our own buisness and hey. He would at least “look acceptable” verses cutting off my family.)
@@anonymousfellow8879 what in the actual fuck is demiaro????
@@ArukiTsukaru are you familiar with the term demisexual? "demiaro" is short for demiromantic, which is like demisexual but for romantic attraction rather than sexual.
im aroace, got married recently and have a baby on the way. that's on arranged marriages babyyy
I thin your feeling hurt is justified but I think you are being unfair to your mom. She probably doesn't come with the same background or knowledge about the do's and don'ts of what your sexuality represents, the way you do, having studied and internalised and processed it over the years. People often step into minefields, not intentionally, but because they don't know any better, because the world is unfortunately heternormative. They often respond in ignorance, or with their own assumptions. It doesn't mean they are bigoted or trying to hurt you. We cannot read each others minds and its unfair to expect that to happen.
People often built up their expectations on this entire blueprint they have in their head, while the other person is operating from a completely different paradigm.
But if your effort to educate and communicate are still thwarted after repeated efforts to align yourself on the same page, then you know that the other person either doesn't care to respond properly or actively dislikes it. Then one can learn to manage these relationships, and not Idealize them, and understand that reality is not the same as the fantasies you build up in your head about what you wanted it to be like.
I’ve been outed before (more than once), so the scene where Simon yells at Martin in the parking lot, saying, “I’m supposed to be the one who decides when and how and who knows and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!” hits really hard. It sucks when someone takes away that choice from you and you feel trapped, backed into a corner where the only way out is to come clean, but you’re not ready so it’s the most terrifying thing in the world.
I absolutely hate seeing characters being outed by someone else in movies/TV. It's such a nightmare for so many people, and I hate seeing it as it's often that easy go-to/dramatic plot point. Everything you said is so on point.
Literally same. My mom cornered me and then when I told her, she told all of my siblings and my aunt and I didn't even know until months later, and it just..... yeah that scene is so good. It's exactly what I did. I went to my room, and then when she followed me I told her I couldn't be around her and locked myself in the bathroom.
I'm sorry that happened to you
@@melissaeen7016 sorry your trust was broken by your Mom and feeling cornered is obviously awful
that's also what makes coming out in the first place so difficult. because once you tell anyone, there's no reversing it -- you lose control over who they potentially tell, and who those people will potentially tell.
I would love an episode on the movie "Dating Amber" which is about a kid named Eddie who is rumored to be gay and is made fun of and a girl named amber who is a lesbian and is made fun of for it so they start pretending to date each other to save each other's reputation. It discusses the importance of queer friendships in a very well done way.
Never heard of that movie but that sounds great.
I really like this movie, and love that Eddie and Amber's platonic friendship is at the centre of the story.
That is such a good movie.
Haven't watched it yet, but for the people that watched "Handsome Devil" (incredibly charming movie about gay friendships and stereotypes) the main guy is played by the same actor, Finn O'shea
I absolutely love this movie. I would definitely like to see a reaction to this😍
My dad took away my coming out moment. He read my emails to my teachers in the middle of the year, including the ones i had sent requesting they refer to me by a preferred name and pronouns. Literally the night before I came out, he broke the news to me with: "I know everything". I put so much thought into coming out. I had gotten pride flags for each of my identities and I placed them in a really pretty box and I was going to give them to him the night my freshman year of highschool ended. I was going to give him the night to think it over, and I was going to talk to him the next morning, and we were going to spend the summer going over it because I knew my dad had trouble processing. And my dad took that away from me.
I was about to go upstairs and get the box for him. He stopped me and said those words and I froze. It still hurts to remember the disappointment in his voice.
"I know about you being a trans...gender? or a gay? or whatever you are. I know."
My dad's broken english only made it worse. It honestly felt like every word be spoke stabbed my heart. It felt like everything hurt.
"I know about you changing your name."
He sounded angry. He sounded upset. And he was raising his voice a little. I turned around and tried to quietly ask him to stop talking, and that we could talk about this in just a minute.
"NO! We talk about this NOW."
And then he got mad. I don't remember what happened. It was all a blur for me, but I think he yelled. I remember the dinner table going completely silent and I remember my mom turning away and my sister going dead quiet. I remember running upstairs in tears and hiding underneath a blanket, and I remember hearing my sister and mother arguing with him downstairs. I remember him yelling back. I remember it getting quiet again and I remember my sister coming in to talk to me.
I remember crying again. And then I remember my dad coming in. I remember him being deadly calm as I sobbed into the blankets. I remember asking him to leave. I remember him being competely quiet. I remember begging for him to leave, saying please over and over and over again. I remember him staying quiet. I remember getting upset to the point I started screaming at him, begging for him to leave me alone. And I remember him quietly opening his mouth and speaking.
"I can't leave you. You're upset."
I remember getting worse when he said that. I felt unreasonable and stupid for ever wanting someone who cared to leave.
"But you're making it worse."
"i don't care, i'm going to stay here until I make it better."
He didn't make it better. He stared at me while I sobbed. He stared at me while I hid under the blankets to get away from that judging gaze. He stared at me as the only sound that filled the room was the sound of my crying and the entire family's breathing. I felt anxious and self conscious and I stopped crying. I forced it all down because I didn't want him to stare at me any more. We talked. I cried again. I forced it down again. We talked again. I cried again. and it repeated until late at night.
Never once did he not look disappointed. Never once did he feel welcoming. Never once did he feel respectful. He kept referring to my feelings as a mistake. He kept saying I was too inexperienced. He kept saying that since I did not understand sex, I could not understand this.
We did this over the whole summer. And he never accepted me.
He still sees me as his straight, cis female daughter. I told him about my intrusive thoughts pertaining to dysphoria and he called 911 on me. He told me my feelings were normal for girls and that they would be over. He told me I was brainwashed by the media to believe I was LGBTQ+. He told me I was inexeperienced and immature and unable to make my own judgements. He told me I wasn't dysphoric. He told me I was just a girl. I told him I didn't feel comfortable being referred to as a girl. He told me too bad, i was a girl, and I had to deal with it.
I'm jealous of Simon. I wish I had what he did. I wish I had parents who loved and supported me for me. I wish I had parents who were standing by my side. I wish I had parents who would listen to me instead of telling me that I was wrong. It hurts.
That’s horrific. I’m sorry he is that way.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Your gender is valid, your dad, not so much. You deserve better than him
I recommend watching ruclips.net/user/SalanderSays
They talk a lot about their experiences and being lgbt
Be the change you want to see in others. Sometimes we just need to be ok with not being accepted even if it's by our own family. It hurts but sometimes it's good to accept the fact that others may not accept you and that's ok we don't others to accept us when we accept ourselves.
I know this comment is six months old, but I just saw it and need to tell you, in case no one has today or this week or this month or this minute: you are valid. Your sexual orientation is valid. Your gender identity is valid. You are worthy of love, respect, and acceptance, and I'm so sorry that you didn't get it from your father. And what he said, about you being confused or too young or too inexperienced -- that's bullshit. You know who you are, and he should not try to take that away from you.
And in case you ever doubt that, please just know - I may be a complete stranger, but I love, respect, and accept you for the beautiful, incredible, true person that you are.
❤️❤️❤️
The scene with his mom saying he gets to exhale and be himself made me cry. And I was instantly questioning why because I'm not gay.
But Jonathan summed it up perfectly. It's such a part of the teenage experience to want to fit in and to feel out of place and like you have to hide parts of yourself. I went through that just being a geeky nerd in high school. I hid a lot of myself because I was afraid to let people in all the way, and to just be me. It felt exactly like Jennifer Garner says...it felt like I just held my breath for years and years. Finally I got to a breaking point and was like "If someone doesn't like me, I don't need them in my life." and made a conscious effort to just be me.
I've been told by friends that I've lost potential girl friends and people getting closer to me as friends because of it. I'm reminded particularly of my one friend telling me about this girl I kind of liked who had apparently asked my friend "Is he really as nerdy as he seems? If he was just a little less nerdy I'd date him" and luckily I had a good friend who was honest and told her "Yep, that's 100 percent him. He doesn't hide or pretend to be anything he isn't." I regret the missed opportunities sometimes, but I'd rather be me than hold my breath again. :)
Yes, I know what you mean. Showing yourself as less than what you actually are in order to fit in. But if there are people who want you to be less than what you are then they don't deserve to be in your life anyway.
Exactly, that's not only about sexuality. "I love you the way you are, I'm proud of you and wouldn't change a thing" are precisely the words I've never heard. It's being unconditionally accepted that makes us cry.
Dude that’s awesome. I totally relate. And look, listen; plenty of women out there LOVE nerdy shit just like you. Odds are one of them will click with you, and you’ll click with them, and y’all will make each other really happy ❤
When the dad said "I love you" and "I wouldn't change anything about you", I started sobbing because I wish that could be my experience coming out to my dad. I haven't told him I'm bisexual, and I don't think I ever will
Edit: A year later, I have come out to my dad... it didn't go well
Same, I just don't think it'll be possible to ever tell them and that just means waiting until I'm completely independent from them to be able to fully express myself
If this helps, stick it into your back pocket until you don’t need it. I’m not your dad, but I’m *a* dad, and I’ll tell you what I would tell one of my girls if they came out.
You are valid, and you are loved. Always remember that.
I'm so sorry to hear that... As a parent your dad should support you for who you are. If that's not the case then he's really missing out on making an amazing person like you happy :/
If you don't feel safe to tell your dad about it than at least always think about the people you DO feel safe with and who love you for who you are :)
I feel the same way. I don't ever want him to know because in his eyes I'm great and perfect and I worked so hard to maintain that. I couldn't stand it if his perception of me changed. He still makes jokes about the community and says he accepts them but it'd be different coming from his kid I feel. I'm so sorry you have to experience that too💔
If it's not safe then it's not safe, fair enough. Otherwise, it may be difficult to go through, & there are parents who are bad, but it's also possible it may not be anywhere as bad as you think. Talking about sex & relationships with parents isn't the easiest topic to bring up with parents anyway. There are plenty of parents out there who were initially shocked, but now they are supportive, loving & accepting. It may even be that if they knew it would break their heart knowing the agony your going through & not being able to support you or say it's ok. It can be too easy to assume the worst of people & not give them a chance to grow. You won't know how they will react until you tell them, you're not a mind reader & can't predict the future. Uncomfortable & confusing for a while, their perception changes, but then they remember they love you & they don't want to hurt or loose you. Then it suddenly it doesn't even matter anymore. It's unlikely you'll be able to live you're life not telling them. All of that hiding. One day you may meet someone you love & you'll have no choice to tell them or to leave the other person. I wouldn't leave it till then. All that & maybe they would have been ok with it given a little time, & you could have been living a genuine life with them. Anyhow, make sure to stay safe. The most important person you need love & acceptance from is yourself. xxxx
I love this movie because although I'm not gay, I can still relate. I'm a female practicing a certain religion in a country where arranged marriage is the only way to be with a man, yet I fell in love with an atheist. We love each other madly, but the sad thing is that in order to date this man, I have to hide this relationship. It's been 3 years of hiding from my family and friends, 3 years of lying so people see that I fit in the community. My parents speak about me proudly as a good religious person, my siblings believe I'm the closest to God. They talk badly about girls who date outside of marriage, how sinful and unaccepted they are.. let alone loving a non believer. I feel terrible every time I look in their eyes, wishing I could come out and say what my heart desires. But if I did, I'll loose their respect, their trust, my freedom and worst of all... I might loose them because to them this is such a big deal and it might affect their health badly. I wish things were different, but this is the man my heart chose and one day we want to get married. I am terrified of that day when I have to come out and tell them, so for those who read this comment ... please wish me luck, because I too wish to exhale.
I hope you get to be with the person you love without fear one day
Wishing all the luck in the universe my dear one. Family is important but so is who we choose to love in our life.
Im sorry you have to deal with all that, I am a beliver and I dont think homosexuality is a sin 🙂
You're the only one who can make the right decisions with your life, but I hope you can find freedom in the person you love. Your family wants the entire family together just as much as you do. Maybe you can make them understand that, and how much you are struggling and hurting by fearing that they won't love you. All families want to love each other. Tell them you're on the same team, even though you can't follow through with tradition.
Oh gosh, that sounds awful. I truly hope that one day you get to exhale because that‘s what you deserve!
Simon's parents accepting him so wholeheartedly has me in tears. As someone, who isn´t accepted in my family, it just hits me so hard. I wish, I could have this, but at least I´m an adult, who doesn´t have to live with them. No child should have to feel like I did, so I´m happy to see positive portrayals of LGBT+ people and the reaction from the parents. The world is getting closer to normalising us being here, but there's still a lot to be done.
I'm currently having the opposite experience, I have an immediate accepting family, but my freinds, and extended family not so much. My freinds are accepting, but not in the sense I wish they could be, they see LGBT people as a weak group that needs to be helped, that cant stand up or talk for themselves, and so they elevate the LGBT people at my school, I'm afraid they will do the same for me, that I will no longer be seen for who I am, I will no longer be seen by my name, actions, or abilities, but rather just simply seen as my sexuality, and this hurts doubly so as I have never lived in one area for very long, I move roughly every 3 years, I'm afraid when I come out I will yet again have to restart and rebuild everything I have built up, that I will no longer be seen as a compitent and intelligent man, but rather as just another gay kid who probably hates us for being straight, the way the rest of the lgbt kids are percieved. and on the opposite side, my extended family are mormon, and thus see homosexuality as something evil, I will lose what little connections I have with the people around me, and basically have to start all over, and fight and claw to show the world that I am not a monster, or a victim, or any other assumption made about me, I am me. And I know I will do this, and that I will have to go through this fight yet again. I wish people would stop portraying being gay or lgbt as a negative, that for the liberals it somehow makes you a victim who cant stand up for themselves, and for conservatives a perverted beast. I hate that I have to go through this, but alas I cannot change who I am. I truly do feel like I am holding my breath, and I want to be able to breath, but I don't want to cause the explosion that will happen when I do breathe.
@sageof6pandas233 have you tried talking to your friends about this? Friends are supposed to support you, but from what I've read, they got it wrong. An ally should uplift you, not talk over you. Sometimes people misunderstand and do the wrong things for the right reasons. Either way communication is the key to a good relationship whether it's your friends, family or even your partner.
@@ashraelzola4439 My issue is that due to my migratory, and somewhat nomadic lifestyle, I've never had any freinds I've felt I've been able to truly open up to, and covid has only made that alot harder. I just barely got through to my depression, and built up my self confidence after being accused of very nasty things, and having my reputation ruined at the place I used to live at. It's so hard to have to completely rebuild your entire life every 3 years, I've never truly had any room in my life to breathe. I know many of my fears are unfounded, that in my mind I'm looking for the worst case scenario, because thats all I've been giveen, and I'm afraid that when I come out it will happen all over again. To the people around me I'm just a priviledged white straight male who has always lived in the majority, who has never faced any hardship, and who has never had to cover up who I really am. Due to my nomadic lifestyle, I was always a stranger everywhere I went, even the town I was born in is foreign to me, and I've never had anyone I've been able to open up to, nad due to my autism I've always been percieved as socially inept, literal, and unaproachable, and now that I have people who like me for who I am, I'm afraid that by coming out I will again lose that, that I will again have to swim through shit, wade through depression, and battle suicide. I feel as if my life is like Sisyphus, constantly pushing that boulder up the hill only for it to fall to the bottom, and I'm afraid by doing this that the boulder will fall to the bottom, and that I will be unable to push it over the hill.It's hard to find someone who understands this sort of thing, and my family is too poor to afford a therapist, so it's nice to have you read this and actually understand what I'm going through, I just need for once in my life, someone who will tell me everything will be fine, someone who will not scrutinize me for having emotions.
The dad crying always gets me because my own dad is very much the same. Doesn't show emotion, doesn't cry, tells a lot of questionable jokes at inappropriate times, etc. But when he does cry, I go, in my head, "oh, this is different," because it's so rare to see. And it makes it so much more powerful to see. When I told him I wanted to kill myself, he cried because he was scared and he told me that he wished he knew how to fix it, cause he's a mechanic. He fixes things, and it absolutely broke him that he couldn't "fix" me. Before everyone attacks him, that's the terminology he uses. He understands that there's not really anything *to* fix, but that's how he thinks. But that day, when he cried and I was scared and felt so alone, I knew that he was going to be in my corner through everything because he cared enough about me to let me see him cry.
I just love the line from the shadowhunter chronicles by Cassandra Clare about homophobia: 'It's not like a stab wound you can protect me from. It's a million little paper cuts every day'.
That’s so deep
Who says that? I have not read The Shadowhunter Chronicles.
@@hellenz-b9227 It's a great series by a good author. The characters are dynamic and well fleshed out. One of the main secondary characters Alec struggles with his sexuality in a culture of demon hunters that are deeply informed by rigid tradition. His character arc is very powerful throughout the story, as is his sister's arc. Well worth checking out (I would highly recommend reading the books, the tv show is good from what I've seen of it, but Cassandra Clare really brings the characters and story to life with her narrative style.
@@Bookluver29 hi, thank you, I have read them, what I meant to write was I did not remember reading that quote. I suspected it had been Alec, but I but I though perhaps it had been one of the characters from the other series she wrote, that are part of the same universe but different timeliness. Those I haven't read. Malec is a very important part of my life.
G o d s that series- Malec was my first exposure to proper LGBT+ representation, and that was major for me as a queer kid/tween.
The "presuming you're straight" is such an annoying, tiny, chip-away sort of sting. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me something that presumed I like men, be it a specific one or in general, or just generally presumed I meant/felt something in a sexual way, and then switched to "ah, women then", requiring me to now deny THAT one as well, just dragging on the awkwardness on and on, forcing me to justify my existence, explaining that yes it is possible that you like no one and never have had sexual desires, yes it's a real thing, yes I'm a human, no I'm not a robot, yes I live a fulfilled life, no I am not missing out, yes I am sure even though I haven't "tried", etc. etc., having to explain it over and over, I'd be a millionaire by now.
I feel you, it's so tiring I sometimes just... don't say anything in these situations I'll admit.
Ah man... so relatable, everything you said.
A fellow ace I see. Have some garlic bread 🍞
@@union8371 🍞🥖
Awe man how come there isn't a garlic emoji LOL
@@union8371 yay
When I realized I had feelings towards women I cried myself to sleep after hitting my head on a wall in grade 3. and I buried it until I met someone else who came out as bisexual in grade 8 and no one even batted an eye. Everyone loved him and I realized that maybe it was okay after all. My grade 8 class was a very safe space and I came out there for the first time. Which gave me the courage to eventually come out to my family. Turns out everyone in my family likes girls at least a bit. And the microaggressions were so deeply rooted in our small town when i was little that my parents had just parroted it while not believing it. I really opened the door for my family to accept themselves.
I realized a while ago how exhausting it is for LGBT+ people to come out to anyone, strangers or loved ones. Now, unless they volunteer some clue to their preference (for example, mentioning their same sex partner), I tend to speak in neutral language (like partner or other half or significant other) when taking about romance and other stuff concerning the LGBT+ community cause I don't want to assume a person's sexuality or gender identity before they tell me, if they choose to.
Yeah but when straight people realize that you're being neutral, they'll sometimes say something like "Uhhh you mean GIRLFRIEND, right? I'm not gay! Uhhrrhrhrhhr" and it's like... I'm so sorry I offended you by being inclusive 🤦
@@ArukiTsukaru Well, you can't please everyone. But then I just say, "ok cool", and refer to their partner how they want them referred to.
as a person who is a part of the LGBT+ community, this is very refreshing
I do really appreciate you saying this. It is absolutely exhausting coming out every single day, to every single person. And it has gotten to the point where I don't tell people until I know them. I was fired by my last employer after I came out, so I don't tell people I work for or with anything. I was outed by someone I thought was my friend, so I use gender neutral pronouns when referring to my S.O. in public. I am so tired of everybody I tell having the same three reactions that I chose none of them. The people I love accept and support me, and I still refuse to hide it from everyone else (in terms of appearance, social media, and advocacy), but I cannot keep coming out every day. I continue to be my incredible gay ass self, and that's no one's business unless I want it to be.
@@katkatattack Absolutely agree with you on that, and good on you for not taking any bullshit, especially concerning who you are. Also, that ex- boss of yours can totally go fuck themselves in a cesspool of their own bigotry. I'm not gonna lie and say that I never mess up, but I do try to be conscious of other LGBTQ+ people's feelings on the matter. That's partly why I don't go to gay clubs unless invited by an LGBTQ+ friend, and I try to be as respectful as I can.
The 1st time I ever went into a gay club was with a group of straight friends (although one of them came out as bi later), and it was a disaster. Kind of traumatizing in a way. My friends were wasted and started mouthing off and being rude to the Drag queens performing. I ended the night apologizing profusely for their behavior and getting into a shouting match with one of them for being hella offensive. It's was so embarrassing. Since that night, I don't dare step into a gay club unless I'm with or invited by LGBTQ+ friends. That being said, I do identify myself as a demisexual, so I don't know where that places me within the community.
the scene with his dad and the scene in the parking lot are SO emotional for me - they hit the hardest, them and the scene with his mom are so well done and just.. capture the experience so well.
It's one of the most beautiful films I've ever watched - the family and school matches mine so even though it may not have been representative for some it was for me which is why having more films with different peoples experiences is so important
for me it’s the scene with his mom when she talks about him holding his breath bc my mom said i did the same thing and i watched it before coming out so i related so much to it
When I came out Trans to my family, they were furious. I was hit by my mother multiple times and it was really difficult time. Most of my aunts and uncles thought it was a phase. It felt like coming out as gay or lesbian would've been better. Nowadays I don't come out to people I don't trust. My best advice is be proud of yourself and someday you'll find people who will support you and love you for who you are. All the love to everyone lgbtq+
Edit: Thank you everyone for support! I hope you're loved and appreciated like everyone should be!
Oof must’ve been really hard to not feel excepted as who you are sorry hope your doin ok
There is no excuse for assault. Let alone assaulting your own kid. I hope you're doing ok now. Do your best to keep your spirits up and trust the friends who know you and support you. It gets better! :)
@@randomman2588 thank you so much, I'm better now! I live alone and found a circle of people who accept me
@@Artificial_Idiot thank you as well :3
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have plenty of people that love and support you now
Thank you for this incredible channel!!! As a gay person who's living in one of the most homophobic countries your videos no matter whether it is about LGBTQ+ or anything else, really help me to hold on to myself. Thank you!!!
I remember a friend of mine coming out as trans when we left our English class (last class of the day). We left the classroom, they said something but due to dozens of kids around us, I couldn’t hear them. They text me through Discord “I’m trans” and I look at them. After a second I just say “oh, ok.” They seemed almost confused about my calm response and questioned me on it. I just said, “Dude, everyone is something nowadays. I really don’t care. Do what you want.”
I think about it every so often and wonder if I should’ve been more enthusiastic about it or if saying “everyone is something” was appropriate.
i’ve heard multiple people talk about their experiences coming out and their expected responses and i’ve learned one really important thing about this.
if someone comes out to you, try to match their energy. if they sound like it’s a casual conversation, you can match that. but often you realise it’s a big thing for them and in those situations it’s extremely important to show your support for them.
I love the fact that Dr. Carthy brought up the "Neverending Story" of coming out. Every job change, or move, or any other change of life, often comes with the extra step of navigating the process of coming out again every time.
Totally agree. "Coming out" is a process that you start once, but you are never finished with. Until the world no longer assumes everyone is cishet by default, it will be something we have to go through over, and over again. I think a lot of people assume that it's an event, a thing which happens once and then you've done it. In reality, you never fully exhale.
I'm a bisexual afab married to a bisexual amab. It's disheartening how some people talk when they think there aren't any queers around.
This is truth. Coming out starts as an event, usually with family and/or close friends, but it does become a life-long process as new people enter our lives. I have even had to 'come out' to a gay friend recently, who thought I was just being supportive of him being gay.
This is honestly something I've never thought about. It's a good thing to bear in mind when a new friend I meet has to go through the same thing.
@@heathertomlinson1961 I agree i feel for people in the lbqt community especially men because it annoys me when people are so focus on not looking gay or when people shift how they see you once they know. Sadly not every supporter is a true supporter.
I remember how hard it was for me to just say "I'm trans" out loud even when I was alone, so that little stumble from Simon just felt a little too relatable 😅
Aah same. Had to do it twice myself cuz at first I just wanted SOMETHING to change, but had no clue myself yet, so I tried to go back in the closet only to figure it out during the pandemic and then actually come out again and explain what I want to change properly.
Same here.
A very close friend of mine, having already come out to me as bi, said he had the message typed out, but it was hard to send it.
Oh same. It was so difficult, and I never knew why! I think it's probably because I had kept it secret so long, and once I said it out loud, I couldn't take it back
@@JustFlemishMe Yep! First person I came out to was one of my best friends through text and I had "I'm transgender" all typed out and I remember my thumb just shaking and hovering over the send button... ended up coming out to my other best friend in person like an hour later 😅
I remember some years ago, I talked to a father of two kids. He mentioned, that whenever topics like dating, partnership, etc. would come up with them, he would always say "boyfriend or girlfriend", to explicitly NOT assume his kids are straight and to point out, that also, they don't have to be straight to be okay and to be loved by him.
I saw this movie shortly after beginning therapy and starting a journey of processing and healing from childhood neglect and narcisstic abuse, and the moms "You can exhale now" quote was the one that broke the floodgates, I lost my mind. It's written in my "therapy journal" where I did a lot of writing and art therapy. It takes up a whole page. Accepting that the things that happened to me WERE traumatic, and that I wasn't being silly, and that I was right to be impacted and that I could finally begin the process of recovery.... that's what it felt like. That moment of being able to breathe and move forward.
Funny thing: my mom always told me, even when I was too young to even care about love, that I could love whoever I wanted, that it was normal and ok to love either boys, girls or both, and that she'd always be happy if I am.
Turns out I realised really early (at about 12, same time I learned sex was a thing) that I'm asexual... and she didn't react all that well to that, because she didn't know that was a thing and didn't understand it at all. For 7 years she thought I had been abused as a child without her noticing, and that rejecting sexuality was my way to cope with the trauma. She would say things like "but it's NOT NORMAL" when we'd talk about it. Forced me to go to therapy to make sure I was alright, and I was - except for her rejecting me.
Took her 7 years and losing her husband (who was the closest being I had to a dad, since my progenitor is shit) to at last tell me that "I still don't understand but I don't care anymore, do whatever you want". She's a little more ok with it now (7 other years after telling me that), even though she still doesn't understand how anyone can be ace. But she gets that it exists, that it's not just me, and that it's not due to any trauma my brain might have locked out of memory to protect me. Still hurt a lot at the time, to have such a great mom who wouldn't mind having a child of any sexuality, but mine...
EDIT: Since I'm crying after sending this, I guess it still hurts a lot, not just "at the time", lol... Nowadays she's taking stance for me when anyone tries to tell me I'm not normal or I should at least try or I haven't found the right person or blah blah blah. But past still hurts it seems.
this is so relatable to me bc i stupidly came out as ace to ppl who used to bully me when i was a child (i don't even remember why or how it happened) and all they did was invalidate me. and it still hurts. i haven't seen any of them since and honestly, i don't plan to. it still sucks and I'm not sure if i should come out to my parents or not.
also, im nonbinary and i haven't told anyone in my life yet (I'm out online but not offline u know) and I'm terrified of coming out. but also, i just wanna be me, unapologetically!
@@carrotsprout5188 @Carrot Sprout I understand the hurt, and the fear to tell your parents, especially after it went badly with your (ex-?)bullies. I guess maybe you wanted to tell someone, and people you already didn't like and didn't mind burning bridges with seemed fine to try it on...? 🤔 At least that seems like a pretty logical and very valid thing to do, imo.
Anyway, I can't say it'll go well if your parents are tolerant, because my mother is one of the most tolerant people I know and it didn't go well. All I can say is, when you feel ready to talk about it, do provide documentation to them. Clear websites that explain all in a simple way, so they won't just assume many wrong things and panic a lot (which is what usually happens for people I know who came out, be it as ace, trans or other). They might not listen very well to what you have to explain, or not understand/remember much of it because their minds will be racing and trying to process too much stuff, so letting them read clear informarion at their own pace afterward, when they're in the mood for it, and not "in the moment" is the best thing I can think of for it to go well.
Should I go back, I wouldn't have talked about my asexuality to my mother without even having the right word (which I didn't know) for it, I would've waited to figure out what it was, then printed out an article that I like a lot about it, given it to her and asked her to read it without me being present. Then when she would have asked me why I made her read it, I would've told her "because that's how I am", or something. I'm confident things would've gone way better if she had had something telling her "it's normal, it's not frequent but it's a real thing, and it doesn't come from a trauma during childhood, from lack of finding the right person, or a 'you'll see when you're older' thing". I'm pretty sure if she could've seen I wasn't alone in it and 1% of the population is like that too (which doesn't seem much, but 1% of 7 billions is ENORMOUS), she wouldn't have worried so much. Frankly, I think she worried and got anxious and didn't understand, way more than she voluntarily rejected me - that's how I felt it, but I'm sure it wasn't her intention at all and she just wanted to understand and make sure I was ok, which admittedly is what parents should do. It didn't happen in the best way is all...
I can't really recommend any websites for you to show them, sadly, for I am a native French speaker so any doc I usually use is in French 😔 But nowadays, asexuality is pretty well-known, at least online, so you should be able to find one that you'll find clear enough and that'll suit what you'd like to explain to them! I don't know if the same goes for nonbonarity, but I do hope it does!
Take your time telling them, do it only when you feel ready and I'd really advise to give them stuff to read, or someone reliable to call or something, so that they can understand that it's all normal, even though not very usual! I hope all goes well when/if you come out, and that you'll be able to be yourself irl as soon as possible 💕 (if you need or want to talk anytime, about this or other stuff, my Twitter dms are open, I got the same TN and pfp as here 😊)
Taking note for the future. I am prepared for my son (so far just a toddler) telling me he is gay, bi, trans, but I need to know that he might one day tell me something about himself that I will not have heard of and will not understand. And I still need to show my support and acceptance as a mother.
Coming out as Ace is a difficult thing, there's no major culture of violence or phobia surrounding it, but most people just don't think it exists. Or even if they accept it as a thing that some people identify as, they don't understand it or don't accept that there isn't something wrong.
There also isn't much in the way of public representation of Ace. There has started to be some creeping in - props to Taleisan Jaffe who played an Ace character in Campaign 2 of Critical Role, which is ridiculously popular - but most people just don't know that it's an option to not feel any sort of sexual attraction, and often (women especially) people who have low libidos are criticised or ridiculed.
When I was trying to figure out my sexuality I honestly didn't know it was a thing. I had never heard of it. This wasn't very long ago, either. I was second guessing myself, beating myself up for not being able to tell and not feeling anything beyond a cognitive recognition of societal beauty standards. I asked my at the time therapist what it meant and got brushed off. I can't remember exactly what he said but I remember the feeling. With a single sentence I felt like I had been thoroughly dismissed.
Even now, after learning a bit about it and doing a bit of research, I second guess myself because a lot of what is out there to learn about asexuality is 'oh, it might change' or 'depression can eradicate libido' or 'an unhealthy lifestyle can impact... blah blah blah.
Telling my friends and family was nerve-wracking, and I am deeply sorry for what you went through with your mother. My friends and family never went so far as to say to my face that it's not normal or has to be a part of trauma, but there was definitely a sense of disbelief at first - no-one said I was wrong, but there were (and still can be) a lot of awkward silences and hesitation. My mother didn't really get it, but she also didn't really care - in the best kind of way. My dad was the one that had the most trouble with it. He would sometimes say things like 'biological imperative will kick in one day'. It was never in a mean way, but it still hurt. He's grown a lot in the past few years and I can see that he is really trying to understand more about me as a person and is putting in effort to understand that side of me as well. Those comments have stopped, and he's either just not talking about it - which is fine - or trying to ask insightful questions to help him understand.
Movies like Love Simon and channels like CinemaTherapy are a great way for steps to be made so that there can be more acceptance of people being people. I hope that more Ace characters are represented in future, that it can be normalised as something that just is rather than something that is a symptom - the exception to that being someone who originally identified as anything else on the sexuality spectrum and then suddenly lost all interest and is otherwise behaving strangely, that should maybe be looked into, but otherwise? It's not wrong, it's not unnatural, it doesn't need to be fixed and hopefully one day future generations will look back at this era in history and marvel that people used to be so close-minded about something that is just part of life.
Ace representation is so undervalued! My mom was fine with me being ace but she also had no idea what it even is and many many people, even though they were accepting, told me that "I will find someone" and meanwhile I was just happy alone. Now I am with a romantic partner and still asexual so even when there is a "right person", it doesn't change the sexuality.
Oh my god, this inability to say "I'm gay" is so relatable... I choked on those words so many times, even now it's not easy to say, and I'm 37! I prefer to pass this information in a different way, like wearing something with pride flag, putting a little pride flag on my desk, or even mentioning my fiancé... And living in a society, where still about 30-40% of people don't accept you and don't tolerate you, and majority of the rest has only tolerance, but not acceptance, is very hard sometimes...
I legit had no idea this was a thing amongst LGBTQ people. I always assumed I was the only one who was uncomfortable with saying the word. I too prefer to just tell people I‘m queer or show them in other ways. Part of the reason why I‘m wearing a pride bracelet pretty much all of the time.
I literally almost puked when I came out as trans... I tend to just leave it to friends or wait until someone asks.
I admit it makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one that dealt with it. It took years for me to even say it in my head and I still struggle to say it aloud and it makes me feel terrible for some reason.
In my 30s (40s?) I hit upon this strategy: I don't make a declaration, instead I look for the opportunity to be able to very casually say "My boyfriend [did something like that]"
Talking about love and romantic life with friends is the easiest way to taste the waters and doing a coming out. Not my thing to express my homosexuality, because it's a part of myself like many other things. But finding a natural way to talking about it makes the relationships stronger
"Inappropriate humour to deal with overwhelming feelings: an autobiography" there's gonna be multiple volumes for everyone who does that!!
My mom read my journal when I was 15 and confronted me about being gay... I think back a lot to how proud I am for that teenager for dealing with what he did and taking me to where I am now as a 27 year old gay man!
This film is really interesting with the dad. So many parents in films are either super supportive or very much not and they might then become supportive, but this film recognises that awkward in between space where you know that your parents love you so much and would never intentionally want to hurt you, but you also know that they don't properly understand something you have to tell them. The most difficult thing for me when telling my parents I was non-binary was feeling such an intense pressure to manage their reactions, because I knew I would have to walk them through some things they didn't understand and I knew they were likely to say some hurtful things in ignorance as I did so, and I found it so hard to have the conversations and balance pointing out when something they had done was quite hurtful with not wanting to hurt them because I then felt mean or cruel. I had to be told by a nurse when I was beginning medical stuff that their reaction is not my responsibility. But it was so hard. Because I was stuck in a zone where I knew I could sort of live with being quiet about stuff because that's what I'd been doing for so long, but to be open would bring up confrontation and hurt, even though we all knew we loved each other. So when Simon's dad walks out in that Christmas scene whilst I know it was sort of the best choice he could make right then, that hit me so hard because it feels like that confirmations of- oh no they can't handle it. And it feels sort of cruel to make someone you love go through that process of realising they messed up- even though they were trying their best. But it can also stop you from being open and you do hold your breath, because I never feared they wouldn't love me, but I did that they wouldn't understand me. And one of the best things certain friends of family members did was do their own research. Because once you have broken the seal them diving into that world to look up the words, the experiences, the treatments etc. and then coming to you- sometimes with clunky questions, it feels like they are making the effort. And as soon as you feel that someone is by your side kind of like- I don't get this, but I am going to learn everything I can and I want to know everything you want to tell me, it feels like it was okay to tell them. As much as coming out of any kind is something you should be proud of etc etc I think people often forget it's often not just about you- it's everyone else in your world too, and having their vocal support is huge. Glad you addressed this film the way you did.
Agree! I come from a conservative/religious family, and my brother came out a few years ago, and while my family had to process it, overall it ended probably with us being closer as a family then ever before. A lot of media brushes over this like you said (families react either hatefully or very supportive, nothing in between). Life is more complicated then that. For my family, my mom and I had known for years that he was either bi or gay (I can’t explain how, but he just felt distant, and we had a feeling something was going on), but felt it wasn’t really our place to confront or force it out of him. When he came out, it was like a sigh of relief. He was finally in a place where he felt comfortable in his own skin, and could come out. It makes me sad to think that there was a time he probably believed we would reject him. I don’t know what it’s like be a part of the lgbt+ community, and I will never claim that my experience is harder then what they must experience, but you’re right, coming out affects the whole family.
I like the fact that y'all focus on the family's reaction, which is good. However, I wish you would focus on the friends' reaction to coming out. They seem to have no sympathy toward Simon being blackmailed. Rowan Ellis does an excellent video on Love, Simon. Personally, if I found out a friend was blackmailed about his sexuality, I would make the blackmailer limp.
I felt the same way when I saw the movie. His friends were awful to him and not understanding at all and it was such a shame to see Simon made out to be the bad guy for not wanting to come out and having a very normal teenage panic about it that wasn't even his own doing.
Yeah me too!
i was looking for this comment!!!! it's my biggest issue with the story and i feel like no one addresses it. i am not justifying simon using abby, because it was wrong, but the lack of sympathy and understanding is awful and only further proves simon's concerns about coming out, and shows how difficult the lgbt+ community has it when it comes to the way we are misunderstood and ignored. the fact that they didn’t do anything during or after the cafeteria scene is disappointing, regardless of whether or not they were still upset at him, it was wrong.
The books DO NOT do enough with this either. Like they are all just OK with the blackmailer? Just accept that he's still around? WHAT?!?! (Admittedly, I've only read Simon, then Leah... so maybe I missed something.)
Would one really be so understanding of being manipulated by somebody they thought a friend?
I'm not sure I would.
(certainly not right away!)
Accidentaly coming out to my catholic mother while she was driving me home from a party taught me that my parents are the coolest, most accepting, loving folk I could have ever wished for and I am regularly reminded that they have carved a beautiful and relatively easy life for me and my sister. To me they are the perfect example of care and I hope everyone gets to experience this at least once with someone.
3:14 ok i kinda loved that part, only because of Simon's expression. As a bisexual and trans person, when I was in the closet (and indeed when i was open still), people would say iffy things that made me feel weird and uncomfortable. THAT expression would be on my face. A mixture of alarm, a little bit of shock and some upset. And then some sad acceptance. So accurate.
This is one of the most heart-warming movies I’ve ever seen. It depicts the main character as an ordinary teen instead of emphasizing the fact that he’s “different, ” which is really rare. He has his own family, friends, school life just like every one of us. Thank you for the nice video❤️
Indeed, as Simon himself says, "I'm just like you", in that he has an average life, with his friends and family, and he's a likable, well rounded, humane protagonist.
Amen. We need this. Like in the recent Eternals. That small gay kiss made me so happy. Finally a kiss.
Yeah. I like how he also has no reason not to come out other than he just doesn’t want to. He’s not in danger, he doesn’t think his family or friends will love him any less. He just doesn’t want to because he feels it would rock the boat.
That’s what I love about this film too. It’s just a typical teenage rom-com (which is a movie genre I love and is why I love this film’s ending too!), where two main characters just happened to be gay. It wasn’t super preachy and portrayed being gay as a normal, relatable and universal human experience to even people who aren’t in the lgbtq+ community.
What I absolutely loved about this movie was that Simon was not perfect -- The way he treated his friends was awful. We saw the 'why' of his actions, but he was still a douche. He was lucky they loved him the way they did.
As an Indigenous person, I genuinely cried during your ad role, thank you so much for caring about representation!
I'm still not out to my parents. But when I came out to my boyfriend I just said that I'm not straight. His reaction was the best I could have hoped for. He just answered "then that is what it is". He is just the best and never judged me or anything
Simon's coming out to his parents is so relatable for everyone who wants to say something difficult to their loved ones. For me it was telling my family about my depression and stuggles with mental health and life in general. I was so scared how they would react and see me.
Oh gosh it was both for me, I was so tired with everything and accidentally came out, whoops-
I’m dealing with this sort of thing rn with my own parents. My mom has dementia and I’ve been really trying to reconcile my complicated feelings towards them. I love them and they love me, but I need more than that, I need to be seen by them. I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to have the relationship with them that I really want to have. A relationship where they don’t just see me as an extension of them but as my own individual with thoughts and feelings. I’ve been feeling like I need to put a little space at least emotionally between myself and them so that when they’re gone and I have no one left that I will be strong enough and confident enough to keep going in my life and seek happiness.
I will repeat this until the end of time: THE BOOK WAS BETTER. Bram wasn't force to come out as a show for the whole school, their kiss was alone and we also got the first date and even how they told everyone they were dating (not with a show in the fortune wheel, instead they simply put it in their Facebook)
Precisely, although I loved both, I wished that they'd kept Bram's reveal as an intimate moment between the two of them, and not make it an entire spectacle in front of the whole school.
As a general thing about how awkwardly Disney initially handled release dates and promotion of film do you think this partly because Disney were the distributors?
James Somerton did such a good take on this in his video, this comment made me think about that.
@@Firegen1 Mr. Somerton was talking about Love, Victor (a spin off of Love, Simon). I think they were not in control of this movie
Yes!! I agree! The book was way better. The characters felt more real and they added some stuff in the movie that just made everything more dramatic and the book just felt more natural.
I like the book more because there was more detail. More reason to admire Simon and Bram's relationship for there was more connection and it was more private so it made it personal. I like how it had the Gay bar and Martin deleted the screen shots (it was painful that he showed them in the movie to everyone)
The part about how family members make up stories to "cover for you" still hits me. I'm pansexual in a polyamorous relationship. My live in boyfriend of 7 years still feels uncomfortable at the thought of letting his parents know anything about that. I respect his choice, but it's still kinda exhausting at times around the holidays when I have to avoid talking about my other partners, practically fencing off a huge part of my life that I'm "not allowed" to talk about.
"They say it's just easier that way. Maybe it is..."
I think, as said in the video, that people will always try stick with what they know or have already accepted when it comes to concepts that are foreign to them. People might be okay with queerness but it stays that way as long as they can compare it to something they know. I am sorry that you have to go through this, it's really exhausting. Almost like having to come out twice..
I have it the same way as him, but I've decided I'm done with that crap. I'm gonna be telling my parents that "you already know im poly, and I've got two partners, if both of them can't come for christams I won't come either." I'm tired of having to hide shit just to not make them uncomfy.
Yes, it's exhausting not being able to be genuine & having to wear a mask, carrying around that constant fear of saying the wrong in case you get found out, especially for prolonged periods of time. People get scared because the other option is, as they guy in the video said, having to contiunely come out to people & explain for the rest of your life, & that type of exhaustion. As well as the fear of rejection. So some people choose to just not explain & keep it to themselves. But then they will have to live their entire lives with their family never really knowing who they are, & never getting to see that their family love them for who they are, whatever type of relationship they are in. And it's hard to live that way without internalizing & feeling like your hiding it because it's something to feel ashamed of. I think that's why a lot of people end up coming out, because it's easier to at least say, I am who I am, I'm not ashamed, love me or leave me, but I accept myself & I won't hide. They rip that band aid off, & let it heal. It's a lot harder to have Pride if your hiding who you are. Still I can see why people can be afraid, better the devil you know.
It's easier for them definitely, cuz they don't have to change and ignorance can be bliss, but if you feel so strongly and if you are feeling the pressure, you may want to suggest couples counseling with your live in partner of 7 years to discuss your perspectives with an unbiased 3rd party. And gain tools to how to deal with and work through different scenarios that may come up with someone who is practiced? Living a "double life" like the way you're explaining your feeling is stressful and stress mounts up and can negatively show itself in other parts of yourself and your life. I don't know you, but now that I know of you, I don't want you to get a stomach ulcer or sleeplessness or anything negative due to your partners fear. I also understand why the fear is there, so I hope you two, and then you can also do sessions with everyone in your romantic relationship After you both settle how you may want to move forward after gaining tools and the confidence to effectively use the tools, can explore how to maybe do a future holiday or holidays 2022, since it takes time and love shouldn't be based on ultimatums, but fair compromises. It seems you have been doing your fair share, it may be time for an honest and calm conversation. I usually sit, reflect, and write everything down. My thoughts, feelings, reasoning, examples, etc so when I talk with the person(s) I do so more rationally and clear and not feeling like I left anything out. It is important, if you are reading it to them, to ask they hold all thoughts until the end, and if they want to take a minute before responding It's OK. Good luck and happy holidays!
I honestly wish the best for those who come out. I came out on April Fool's because, if something went wrong, I knew I could just say "April Fool's!!!" It turns out everything went wrong. I got yelled at, I got hit, and I was told I could pack my things and go. That was 2 years ago and I am 17 now. I wish everyone the best in their coming out and hope that you all find love and peace, because I have surrounded myself now with people who love me. ❤️❤️❤️ You will find your place. It just may take some miles of walking
I hope your doing much better now! 🙏🏾🤞🏾✨
I´ve watched this film with my mom, and in the final I cried a lot, she looked at me and said ''oh, for godness sake'' and I got so irritated with this, and told her ''It´s like any romance movie, why can´t I cry watching this?'' but what I really felt, it´s that if was me in Simon's place, she wouldn't accept, and that hurted me a lot. I love this film, 'cause makes me feel understood.
I would love to see them talk about the movie “boy erased” which is all about a boy who agreed to go through conversion therapy.
That and/or The Miseducation of Cameron Post. Great movie.
I saw that movie and it hit me right in the gut. It was very real for me and it broke my heart watching it 😔
The most impactful part of this film for me was when Simon gets angry at Martin and shouts at him for outing him. I was outed by different people to almost everyone to the point that I've only really truly come out to four people because I was outed to everyone else, even to my parents when I was nowhere near ready. I always felt like I couldn't truly be angry about this because I hadn't got bad reaction (they weren't even all amazing just, not bad) and that the fact this has happened to be was almost better because it took the pressure of me to come out to people. However that isn't true, and I realised when I watched that scene in Love, Simon because like he says it doesn't matter if Martin thought everything was going to be fine, it's our right to decide when and how and why we come out so someone and that really made me realise how truly hurt I had been from all the outings. I was forbidden from seeing my best friend, I never got the chance to come out to my parents how I wanted to, they took that a way from me and it was absolute shit. It still is and it still hurts because it's not something that can be undone I'll never be able to come out to my parents how I want to or when I'm ready because that was decided for me. But I'll do my best teaching people as to how harmful outing can be, even if you know the reactions will be positive. Don't. Out. People.
Even though I’m straight I was so offended on Simon’s behalf when I watched the movie. Nobody has the right to reveal someone’s secrets and drag them out of the closet, no matter the results.
Well heck. This particular video really got me because, unlike Simon, my family hasn't fully accepted that I'm AroAce. They still treat it as "not having found the right man", and my mom has even said she "hopes I find someone who makes me want that kind of relationship". Which breaks my heart because it means that 1) they don't really accept who I am. That this is just something wrong and that there is another reason as to why I don't want a relationship. And 2) that their idea of happiness is so tied to romance, that me not wanting a (specifically cis male) partner makes them sad and worry I'll die lonely and unhappy.
Thank you guys for broaching this topic and being such visible allies.
To all my LGBTQIA+ siblings, sending you heaps and heaps of love and support 💛
The scene where Simon’s mom says to Simon “you are still you” really spoke to me. I got accidentally outed to a close friend of mine. He is very religious, so I hadn’t come out to him yet because I wasn’t sure how he’d react. So I got accidentally outed in front of him and at that moment we didn’t have a chance to talk but rest of the day went on kinda like nothing had happened. Later that day I was going home and he said he’d walk with me and as we were walking he told me that this doesn’t effect the way he sees me or anything between us. And a huge weight dropped from my shoulders. Somehow him just saying that was exactly what I needed to hear, that confirmation that I am still the same person to them was everything to me, so this scene really spoke to me! I really wanna see this move now!
This movie meant a LOT to my bi child and I, and though we both cried over some of the parts that rang so true they hurt, we also cried happy tears for how much joy the movie depicts as well. It gave us hope, at a time when she was really going through an incredibly hard time.
That statement of "you get to be more you than you have been in a long time is so true." I had a friend come out after I had known him for years. He was always a great guy, but once that weight was lifted, it was like suddenly he was a better version of himself. His personality just opened up, and it was like all that reservation and supposed introvert behaviour just vanished. To this day it is one of the most heartwarming things I can think of.
It's literally 1PM and I've got online class in an hour but I'm sobbing because of this video. I've never watched Love Simon before, because I thought the main character's experience would be different from mine since he's white and I'm from a very, very conservative Southeast Asian country. But seeing the clips and listening to these three men's takes, I realized how much I actually relate to this. Being a bisexual young woman in the Philippines is such a hard, suffocating time and maybe someday-hopefully-I'll get to exhale too. Thank you so much for this video. 💜
As someone who comes from a religious/conservative family, whose brother came out a few years ago, I love this movie. I get that a lot of people have really bad experiences with their conservative or religious family, but we didn’t. A lot of tv-shows and movies focus on the bad and negative experience (which in my opinion just adds to the fear and anxiety of coming out), and on top of that I feel like a lot of media portrays the lgbtq+ community as one dimensional (their whole personality revolves around how people hate, don’t accept them for being gay, looking at you CW shows). Simon is 3-dimensional character with more to him then just his attraction, and while his parents weren’t perfect, they reacted in a healthier way then what is typically portrayed. I also loved how it showed the parents having to process the information. Too often that aspect of coming out is overlooked. I love my brother and I’m grateful for movies like this that portray a loving family that just has to process a loved coming out, instead of immediately getting angry at them. I relate to the family in this movie so much!
I'm glad for your brother having that support. But unfortunately there are so many of us who didn't have this situation, so it's not without warrant. I was outed by someone I thought I could trust. I thought I could trust them to help support me through the process till I was ready to come out, but instead they told our local pastor, and I didn't know this till he called me asking to meet with me. And when I went in, it was just him yelling at and berating me for my sexuality, before I had even come out. And then went on to tell everyone else, which culminated in my parents saying I had 4 days to be out of the house because they believed that as a gay man, I was going to molest my brothers.
So it's really hard for people who experienced situations like mine to not harbor animosity toward religion and religious people. So many of us have been hurt so deeply over this, and it takes a lot of time and work to be able to forgive the people who treated you that way, and even more to trust them, especially when there's still so much hatred toward us being preached by evangelical preachers.
@@anthonydelfino6171 I didn’t mean to come across as insensitive, I know that happens to probably the majority of people in this situation, so I don’t think the more negative stories are without warrant. It’s just nice to see a more positive experience being portrayed too. I went through a very long time wondering if my brother thought I hated him. I wasn’t home when he came out, ironically I was on a mission for my church at the time, and had people approaching me telling me I hated gay people. I often wondered if my brother thought the same thing, but he’s the only one in my family who never missed a week talking to me while I was gone. My brother is actually the one who showed my mom and I this movie, and I found a lot of comfort in it, knowing how much my brother loves and relates to this movie. I’m comforted by the idea that this is the story he relates to, rather then a more negative one.
I’m sorry for what you had to go through. Sadly I think it’s a common reaction for a lot of conservative families. I’ve heard too many stories, even in my own religion, that I find atrocious. I’ll never understand how people fail to love and accept others for who they are, especially their own family. I hope that you’ve found a new community of people who love and accept you for who you are, and I hope your family will someday learn to do the same!
I also think movies that show a more positive reaction offer a good roadmap for people to follow if someone comes out to them.
@@TT-nq5np oh of course not, I didn't think you were trying to be insensitive. Just sharing a different story to show why some people might come across as hateful of religion (and some actually are) when it's more a feeling of betrayal, and you don't want to let those kind of people in your life again because of how much they hurt you.
They've said on this channel, and we're all guilty of it, that we like to take shortcuts when classifying people we meed based off what we've seen with others like them or how we've seen interactions go in the past. It's not fair, but it's also sometimes understandable when you're just trying to keep yourself from getting hurt again.
What CW shows are you thinking of?
I found out I'm autistic, and that is of course not the same as what Simon goes through, but I relate to a lot of what has been said in this video, thank you
As someone who is queer, non-binary, and autistic, I can say that they can be very similar.
As a neurodivergent (autistic) gay male, I can definitely relate...!
Pan autistic woman here, and both experiences for me have been similar
I am an autistic asexual person and I realte to this as well.
Autistic with ADHD and cronic fatigue. I relate a lot to the LGBTQA+ community. Society is not made for people like me and that is horribly painful at times, and exhausting all of the time.
I just learned that if I ever came out when I was a teenager, my stepfather would have very likely rejected me or put me through conversion therapy, so I really needed that video now. Thank you.
I'd love to see you tackle autism if you haven't already done it (and not in a Rain Man kind of way). As an autistic woman, I really would like to get some positivity sent in my way.
Thanks.
I would love them to do a video on autism as well being Autistic myself, that would be amazing these guys are so awesome! Empathetic and open- minded love their channel 🙂
Not that you’ve ever done a bad video, but MAN I feel this was a cut above the rest ❤️❤️
A 40 minute long video where the two straight men in the room are allowing the gay man to speak more than themselves, speaking healthily about a subject that shows how far we’ve come yet still how far we have to go societally, making it clear that not everyone has the same experience even in the same marginalized community, wanting to be corrected in potential hurtful statements, and arguably the most hilarious sponsorship ad you’ve ever done…top notch! ✅✅✅✅
Thank you for covering this, Internet Dads. Thank you for being amazing and talking about LGBTQIA issues.
To anyone who needs to hear it: You are valid. You are worthy of love and support and all good things in the world ❤️
Thanks
I usually get triggered when I am about to hear thoughts on my experience from people that are priviliged, that are straight. I really appreciate presence of Dr. Elliott in today's episode, who represented my community, but you guys, my beautiful intenet dads are giving me hope, that there are straight men (and of faith!) that are so full of compassion and love for ALL kinds of people. I live in Poland, religious country where goverment is about to ban pride parade, and homophobia, transphobia etc. are more common than acceptance. But your presence, even on the screen of my laptop, brings me joy and proofs that there are safe spaces and we should be fighting for them. Also, note to Dr. Elliott, being queer is amazing indeed! I wouldn't exchange this experience for anything in this world.
Personally I think the hardest part is even after you are out, there is the anticipation for the weight to suddenly life and feel free as a bird. Like it's going to be one magical moment and you'll suddenly feel better about yourself. And you do it and and you still feel as locked up in a cage as before, because you've gotten so used to hiding that you don't even know how to step out and be free. Not knowing how much of what you put out was an act and how much is the genuine you. Feeling a kind of self loathing for having lied to so many for so long.
My personal coming out was overwhelmingly positive, not a single person I know said anything negative. Despite that I couldnt bring myself to feel happy about it, I honestly felt stupid for not coming out sooner because of it and simultaneously that I couldn't trust that people where genuinely happy for and accepting me. You spend so much time anticipating the worst and anything else just doesn't feel real and you are just waiting for someone to pull back the curtain to show that all your worst fears were justified.
And people wonder why I'm seeing a counselor.
Although I have only come out to my friends I feel the same way
I have a lil 3 year old. My current plan is to have a relaxed discussion with her in the 11-13 range, whenever it organically feels right, to let them know that “whoever you want to bring home or not bring home is fine with me. Your relationships are your journey and whether you feel like you wanna officially come out or not as any one sexuality is up to you. I just want you to feel comfortable being yourself and safe in this house. So feel free to just live. We will always be there as support.” And leading up to that just show that sentiment through my behaviour.
Why wait so long? I remember kids in Kindergarten getting asked 'oh is that your girlfriend/boyfriend?' and lots of other stuff that assumes heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is absolutely everywhere and at 11 your kiddo will probably already know that hetero = 'normal' and everything else is 'other'. Sadly, representation is few and far between, especially in children's media, but just one children's book with 2 mums/dads or a fairy tale where the prince likes another prince can go a long way
@@fleon4115 I don’t disagree with you. That’s why I plan to model it through my behaviour and the type of content we take in in our house leading up to that. Certainly we will discuss the different types of relationships out there all the time. But a direct/pointed conversation I don’t think will be absorbed by a younger kid. Ideally I wouldn’t even need to have that discussion if I’ve done the work leading up to it.
@@fleon4115 also speaking of representation. Have you listened to “the two princes”? We’ve been listening to it on Spotify and it’s great so far. Super fun.
I've always said that I will have done my job as a parent if my kids are able to just wear anything they want or bring any partner home without feeling like they have to "come out" first ♥️
Ditto, I don't have kids yet, but I'd like them to feel comfortable in disclosing their sexuality or gender identity to me, and to know that I'd always accept them, no matter whom they love.
@@trinaq I'm also not a parent but I know if I was my hope would be the same, that they would feel loved, accepted and comfortable telling me anything.
Make sure you're vocal about accepting/supporting people who are not cishet.
@@lynnhettrick7588 we are :) my partner is transfemme/ non binary and we try as much as possible to make sure our kids are aware of media that includes diverse types of people. their godfather is also trans but we also respect that he'd not like to be outed as such, so we also have also had discussions about how pride comes in many different forms and that while dad likes to talk about it some people also don't. ❤️
I'm lesbian and what my parents did when I and my straight siblings grew up was not assume we were straight so say things lik "when you come home with a boy or girl they better be good tot you" just mentioning that option made my coming to out to them not scary, I knew they accepted that
Thank you Cinema Therapy for doing this reaction to the Love, Simon movie. As a 30 year old gay man who still hasn't had the courage to come out to my family it means a lot to me to see you guys react and share your insights into this movie that I relate to a lot. I do hope that you guys react to more gay and other lgbtq+ movies and stories in the future. Some of my other favorite movies with lgbtq+ themes (mostly gay) are: 4th Man Out, Big Gay Love, Boy Erased, eCupid, Handsome Devil, Happiest Season, Latter Days, The Falls (all 3 of them), Love Or Whatever, Make the Yuletide Gay, Prayers for Bobby, Shelter, and Uncle Frank.
The struggle is real, I wish coming out wasn't soooo terrifying, wish you all the best.
I think you should check out Big Eden (2000) as well!
@@TiredHumanBeing Thanks, I wish it wasn't so terrifying as well. Wish you the best as well
@@tmtrcclby I've watched Big Eden a few times as well and it is a very good movie as well!
Uncle Frank broke my heart.
This whole review gave me the feels. I'm on the side that I still haven't come out to my parents. I'm 23 now and I don't know how to tell them that I am demisexual (asexual spectrum). So this review and the film made me feel so many emotions. I won't lie, I did cry a little bit. Especially with the character's parents being so accepting because I am afraid that I won't get that. But thank you for this. My inner child desperately needed this.
When I first discovered the terms aromantic and asexual in grade eleven, it was the first time I felt like I found labels that fit how I felt, and eventually during my first year of college, I started slowly coming out to people I was close to, starting with my friends, I wasn’t particularly afraid of how they would react, and I got the sense that they already knew, and I was right, it was my mom I was nervous about, I wasn’t sure how she would react, I thought that she would have no idea what aromantic or asexual meant, and it turns out I was wrong, and that she already kind of knew, which made our discussion easier for me, and telling my mom was definitely my ‘You can exhale now.’ moment, telling my friends was simple and easy, telling my mom was a big deal, and getting it out there to her definitely felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I'm glad you're surrounded by accepting people! I wish I was in a similar situation. In college right now and also asexual and aromantic but I'm in a major that's very very heteronormative and often overly sexualized and I'm worried if anybody knows or tells anyone, it could potentially compromise my chances in the industry. I have several nice friends who might be accepting, but they have sort of different life trajectories and I'm sort of in a family/community culture with very high expectations and standards that tend to associate your relevance/worth with traditional heteronormative life. I constantly feel distanced from people who view relationships as the sole key to adulthood. I'm still trying to figure out the arc of my own life without the heavy standards around me, and it's really nice to see people with more accepting families, friends, and communities.
@@skypaver989 I'm sorry you're dealing with that, and trust me, I know that feeling of struggling to figure yourself out, in a few ways, I'm still trying to figure myself out too, there's no rush with this sort of thing, take all the time you need to figure things out, nor is there a rush to tell anyone about what you identify as, that's all completely up to you, and I'm sure you'll discover people who are accepting of you being aro/ace.
Hello, fellow aro-aces! My learning about asexuality and aromanticism was slow for me. I first learned and figured out I was asexual in 12th grade and had a mini-coming out to my mom and my best friend by text. My mom was a bit dismissive at first but when a few years later I came out more to myself (I got an ace ring!) and my family and brought it up in conversation more she realized that I actually was sure that this is who I am.
It took me a lot longer for me to accept that I am aromantic too (I'm talking years), but when that finally happened I again did something for me first (this time it was a green dress) and then came out in my family group chat.
I am very lucky to have an accepting environment and I am gradually telling more friends and classmates to results varying from confusion to acceptance (sometimes both) and it means so much that I choose who and when I share that part of me. :)
I’m also asexual (Apothisexual) as well as demipanro and trans Agender. I came out to my mom about being Asexual probably around age 20 and she has never stopped since telling me how maybe I’ll meet the right person someday and change my mind 🙃 I came out as trans to family earlier this year and the reactions weren’t much better. I haven’t been clear about my romantic attractions but my mother Seems to still think I’m going to get with a nice het man one of these days xx
Absolutely love that you guys covered this topic, brought in the psychiatrist that specializes in LGBTQ as well. As a parent, this was so insightful and informative. Thank you!
Both my parents were raised very Catholic. When they found out my older brother was pansexual they didn't know what to do about it. It caused quite a crisis of faith and things were rocky with them for a while. In the end, my parents chose my brother over their faith. My brother struggled a lot as my parents learned how to accept him not being straight, and I appreciate that. I didn't have to face the same pain when I came out as bisexual.
Thank you for reacting to this. 💛 It’s really important that people know that stereotypes are harmful. I’m ChristIan and queer. I’ve dealt with homophobia from the church and hate from the lgbt+ community.
It’s really interesting that you said that his dad left the room after he came out because he didn’t have the tools to be supportive. I always viewed it as him leaving because he was upset much like my own family.
I relate to this so much. I'm a demiromantic asexual Christian and it's a whole new level of erasure. I'm not technically out so I don't get the deliberate queerphobia but I realized a while ago that I can't imagine talking about sexuality in religious spaces or talking about religion in LGBTQ+ spaces. I guess hatred just tends to flow two ways.
I'm Christian and straight, but I've always been supportive of all sexualities. I was the first in my family to accept it and got a lot of backlash for it. A few of my family members have come around in the last few years, but its still a struggle to get the others to at least be respectful. God made us the way we are and we have no right to judge on anything. Unfortunately a lot if people in the Christian faith that don't seem to understand that part.
I wasn't planning on crying. Love, Simon feels a bit like a movie made for straight people so that they can empathise, especially when he says "I'm just like you, but I'm gay". But as someone who is closeted to most people, especially my parents, because I am genderfluid and bisexual, the way his parents were so accepting and embracing of who he is deeply hurts. Because I know that even though my parents love me the way they can, I just have never felt safe sharing this part of who I am. I know I won't have an accepting or welcoming response. Hell, I'm waiting until I have a job and live away from them to come out because I can't risk losing their support right now. I know it's possible that they won't ever accept it. That they might even stop talking to me. Every time I hint at something, every time I talk about my LGBT+ friends, the response is the same. Negative, biased, shocked, not understanding. That it's a result of mistakes in their upbringing. That they're "crooked". It hurts. And I cried.
That sounds so rough, I’m sorry you’re in that position. I’m genderfluid/enby/pan too, and even though I’m out it’s still a struggle to communicate with some people. I hope that things only improve for you, and that your life is enriched by people who validate, support, and love you
Sending you so much love 💛 This is the definition of taking your time to come out, especially when it comes to keeping yourself safe first and foremost.
I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can come out to your parents, I wish you could. I am going through something similar and waiting to get some distance before I can.
Important thing is that you do have people that you can share that part of yourself with and explore your beautiful identity with. Thankfully, there are some incredible members of the community and allies who are here to show you nothing but love 🥰
I know how you feel. I'm still working on being fully independent so that I can come out without fear of not having what I need. I've had to get my own insurance, vehicle, job, and now I'm just waiting on a place to stay and to get on my workplace phone plan and then I'm going to come out as bisexual. Just so that even if they may not fully accept me, I'll still be okay. Good luck to you
I've only ever seen clips, but this movie really hit me hard. I fortunately never did go through the internal conflict that Simon did, since I am bisexual and can easily brush off things and mingle with friends (not that I had much friends to begin with). But my parents...
That scene with Simon's mother just reminded me heavily again, of no matter how many times I reach out for communication, my parents will only ever dismiss my emotions as 'there you go bing all dramatic.' That father will never apologize for anything because he meant well and therefore I'm in the wrong. That they will forever be aloof and far away and never show emotional care.
And the fact that not even once in my life, had anyone who mattered told me that I deserve to be loved.
You deserve to be loved.
You are not being dramatic. Whatever you feel, you feel it for a reason. If there is drama going on, it is only right to react appropriately. I don't know you beyond this one comment on RUclips, but I don't think you're exaggerating anything.
*heart*
You deserve to be loved.
❤
I thought Simon's Dad made the joke because he was unconfortable, I never thought that he was trying to be supportive. Love him even more now 😅
"I'm heterosexual" "OH GOD help me Jesus please" 🤣
as someone who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community this is one of the most relatable reviews I have seen you do- everything discussed or viewed was so relatable and true on some level thank you
Honestly! Im in the LGBT community as well. I remember seeing this in theaters with my mom when the movie first came out. I remember balling my eyes out at the Christmas scene when Simon comes out as gay. Crying at scenes like this is something that like never happens. So, thats how you know it hit home. Amd re watching it got me chocked up!
My hope is for a day that no one has to "come out" its just living your life and no one bats an eye at it.
My youngest, 12 years old, came out to me last April as being trans. My husband and I were supportive right from the start. One of the first things I told him was, "I apologize in advance for when I screw up and use female pronouns. I promise you that it is because of habit and not because of malice or disrespect." Just recently, he reminded me of a time when I addressed all the kids (I forget which book series we were reading... depending on the series, there was either a gay character or a gender fluid character) and told them something along the lines of, "You guys can tell me ANYTHING, if you're gay or whatever, and I will always love and support you," and he said that at the time, he just sort of took that like, "Uh... okay, mom's being weird again," but once he realized he was trans, he remembered that and knew that I would be a safe person to tell.
I was also always careful, as the kids were growing up, to talk to them about things in terms of, "if/when you start dating" instead of "if/when you get a boyfriend/girlfriend," or saying "if you get married" or "the person you choose to spend your life with," rather than putting any sort of gender expectations or anything like that onto them.
Since my youngest child has come out, most of the extended family has also shown love and support (and the occasional pronoun fuck up, but hey, we're human). However, my husband's parents have, sadly, decided that their small conservative lives are too inflexible for them to stretch JUST ENOUGH to make room for their grandchild. This is not the first wall we've come up against with them so much as it is the straw that broke the camel's back. The last communication we had with them said, "Here's where we are. You are either willing to apologize and accept our child, in which case you will have work to do to repair the relationship and make up for the things you have said, or you are unwilling to apologize and accept our child, in which case we have nothing more to say to you. This is a situation that you have created. You bear the responsibility for the consequences of your actions." And we haven't heard from them since. It really hurt youngest. While my father in law was not the most approachable person, youngest really enjoyed spending time with his grandmother and had been looking forward to visiting again in the future. :(
After reading all the hurt asexual people received from their parents on this comment section, your comment is really healing and you are an awesome parent! (I'm referring to your if/when statements in case it's not clear)
@@Coccinelf I just can't imagine putting those kinds of expectations on kids. All I want is for my kids to be okay and to be decent people. Anything beyond that is THEIR life, not mine. Their life is THEIRS to figure out, not for me to tell them what they're supposed to do.
I learned I was Transgender almost a year ago and when I came out it was a surprise to people because I didn't know why I had these feeling and thought it was wrong to have them for years and so I did everything to hide it.
Important to point out, the Republican party official platform is STILL to overturn gay marriage. We are progressing culturally, but one of the 2 major political parties in the United States is still explicitly in favor of anti gat discrimination.
Yes, that is the goal of SOME republicans. And it's scary, I hope we as a nation can take a stand to vote out those who support such bigotry. But let's remember not to put people in boxes... Just like being gay and fem aren't necessarily connected for everyone, neither is identifying as republican necessarily connected to homophobia. People are more complex than that.
@@cynthiab3168 No. You if you are a Republican, you accept an anti gay, anti PoC, pro theocratic stance. It literally doesn't matter what you tell yourself. Those are the goals of the Party, and along with corruption and anti democracy, are the five pillars of the GOP. You cannot be a part of that and not support all of that.
I’m almost 100 that both sides have some with those beliefs. It’s just that one side has the platform to say it louder than the other.
@@EAKugler While I understand your perspective, you also need to realize that the voting population is filled with groups of differing education levels, different levels of political awareness, and different priorities. I've met many people on the right side of the political spectrum who are A. not really aware of how Republican policies can affect LGBTQ+ people, or B. consider other parts of the Republican platform of a higher importance. Politics are rarely black and white, and most people don't get to pick parties based on that party meeting 100% of their political beliefs.
@@AL-jc5fw The DNC isn't really "better" than the GOP, just playing the same game with worse tactics and better optics.
As a lesbian, I love this movie. I wasn't outed like Simon, I did it myself, but my parents had very similar reactions, even though with reversed rolles. I cry every damn time, both in the scene with the mum and with the dad. I LOVE that this movie doesn't concentrate so much on the homophobia. I think there's enough of that out there, in reality and also in movies. I liked that it was basically your very average teenage love movie, but with a gay main character.
I would love to get more of that.
I found it!!! I loved it. Every single time I read the book or watch this movie, I experience everything again. Being the A in the LGBTQIA community; growing up with micro-aggressions from every direction, leading to the diagnosis of C-PTSD with a likely catalyst of my family, to only hearing from someone else that I can “exhale” and be myself. I get wobbly and validation from people less judgemental and stiff than my own family.
I love Dr. Carthy and was thrilled with this collaboration.
You guys should look at doing an episode on "Pride". Its honestly one of the best LGBTQ+ movies out there and takes a really good look at how very different communities can come together to support one another.
I looooveee that movie so much!!! is awesome!
Yes it's really good!
OMG - yes, and having Elliot involved for Brit content as well as for LGBTIQ+ representation
The big reason the Queer community panned Love, Simon wasn't that it was low on Homophobia. It's because the movie is YACOS - Yet Another Coming Out Story. There is so much more to who were are than Coming Out, which is a feeling that Simon expresses in the movie even as the entire arc of the film is Simon's Coming Out Story. Hollywood doesn't have to deal with us having sex, having serious relationships, having serious relationship issues, dealing with structural homophobia, growing old and dying, if Hollywood can pigeon-hole us by focusing all their LGBTQQIA+ "support" into *this one narrative.* Representation matters, as you say, and YACOS is the *only* form of positive representation that Hollywood is willing to portray. There's some lovely world-building in Love, Simon, as shown in the sequel series, Love, Victor, *which is also YACOS.*
I disagree on Love, Victor. The first season was certainly focused on coming out (although with some other interesting angles thrown in that differentiates it from Love, Simon) but Love, Victor from season 2 very much explicitly deals with gay relationships, living as an out gay teen, gay sex, among issues relating to parents being allies and so on. I've quite enjoyed it.
1) the last words of Season 1 are (spoiler alert) "I'm Gay". He doesn't even Come Out to his parents until the final seconds of the season.
2) Something can be unoriginal in concept but great in execution. "Love, Whoever" may be YACOS, but at least it's well done.
A really interesting point, thank you for sharing. I think taken as a piece in its own right, it has a lot of important things to say but I completely agree that, when viewed as part of the wider picture, it’s another example of a limitation in queer mainstream media. Here’s to hoping all the different journeys of queer people (and all minorities) are depicted widely in the near future 💛
Important to note that the vast majority of the queer community embraced the movie -- the quite small minority that panned it either complained that the protagonist was white, or that it was YACOS. I just gotta say that if someone objects to gay movies where the protagonist is white, but not straight movies where the protagonist is white -- their issue is clearly with the gay part, not the white part. And if someone is fine with coming of age stories / films about straight kids, but hates coming of age stories about gay kids -- their issue is not with the coming of age aspect, it's with the gay aspect. It's internalized homophobia or just plain homophobia (often hatred of gay guys from elsewhere in the LGBT+2 community - as a lesbian friend of mine told me when I first came out: no-one loses points for attacking gay men.)
I appreciate whoever edited Dr.Carthy in between Johnathon and Alan to make him look like hes sitting in the middle seat
Parents can make the difference for how traumatic coming out can be. I have had homosexual friends since childhood and always been open and accepting of LGBTQ+. My daughter came out to me at age 16. But no sit down or serious conversation. She simply came home from school and said "mom I have my first date! She's sooooo gorgeous! " and that was that.
I cry at the talk with his mom and at the Ferris wheel scene every time.
I know when it came out this movie got some criticism for being seemingly sensationalized and about the basic coming out story but it made me ball my eyes out as a closeted gay kid in the movie theater. The absolute terror and fear that comes with coming out, people treating you differently, knowing people love you unconditionally but feeling it would be conditional. Gosh, this movie makes me feel so much and I love it so much.
*Edit:* Oh boy this hit me and I'm all choked up oh joy lol should have seen it coming. That ending hit me though. Like, I'm an adult now. I feel like I should have grown out of this confusion, this pain and anxiety. But it still here and I have to work on being okay with that and simply working on it.
The way how the dad copes with uncertain/unknown situations and being uncomfortable with humour is relatable. I do the same thing, I need time to get into a serious headspace where I can have a serious intimate conversation
I remember watching this movie in theater and the part where his mom tells him he gets to exhale now I just started absolutely bawling my eyes out. Eye? No faucets 😅
I saw this in theatres and I forgot about the line from Simon's mom "As a kid you were so carefree but these last few years..." It's what my own parents have told me after I came out as trans. They comment periodically still that they can /see/ a difference, that I'm clearly happier. I can breathe now.
I think someone on Tumblr put Coming Out best - "Some people can get so upset when their head-canon of who you'll become, turns out to just be fanfic"
I watched this before i realised i was bi, and didnt think much of it, and I watched it today 4 months after coming out and i feel like ive been hugged, you guys made me almost cry in this episode multiple times. Thank you
I always bawl my eyes out at coming out scenes good or bad, honestly just talking about coming out makes me cry sometimes