I'd love to hear about when others minimize your abuse, like with emotional/narcissistic abuse. It's the whole "it's not that bad" mentality from others minimizing your situation, which can be hard to articulate or prove, that just gets you more sick, makes you feel more like you must deserve it, or you are just being a big baby about it.
Yeah, like I went through emotional/mental abuse from my stepmother and their excuses were either “we were just trying to do the best we can” or “it wasnt that bad/you remember it wrong”
Minimizing or playing the victim card that's not an easy one to get through, things like "well, I'm hurting too" and then if they hurt you then they make their pain worse or insurmountable
I can definitely understand this. Emotional abuse is sometimes really hard to articulate and even understand. Most of the time the other person is gaslighting and making you feel like you are the one to blame. I think it’s also very easily done because the narcissist chooses their victim. So, you are left questioning your own reality but that feeling really doesn’t go away. That feeling that you know something isn’t right and that you aren’t to blame. That it did happen and that it did hurt and that it was not okay. That your boundary was crossed. You can’t argue how someone feels. Feelings are subjective.
I really resonated with Alicia on the part of growing up as a sensitive child. I come from a very strong and loving family, and I love them all to bits. But my father had serious health problems and treatment was expensive, so money was always scarce. My little brother was also very sick as a baby and young child. All these stress factors made my poor mum extremely explosive and she would blow up when she came home and we hadn’t cleaned our rooms, made our homework etc. Add to that a sensitive little girl with undiagnosed ADHD who struggled to figure out why it was so hard to just get those things done. I certainly learned a lot of coping mechanisms to avoid conflict that are not necessarily healthy, and I’m struggling to replace them with better tools. Especially learning to claim my place and not just give way to everyone else, in order to keep the peace.
Oh wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine growing up, only it was my father and the stress was caused by his work and all the political drama that happened therein (he was a pastor, and I'm talking church politics). But I too happened to be an extremely sensitive girl, and I also had ADHD, though it was diagnosed (cuz my mom's a doctor and both parents wanted to know what was "wrong with me"), and yeah, with my dad it often came out in the form of yelling at me and my sister. Because of that, I became extremely sensitive whenever anyone raised their voice around me. Even if it wasn't directed at me, I would still tense up. And now that I think on it, what Alicia said about the whole coping mechanism about not being seen or heard, I just realized that I think that's what I do when I find myself in an uncomfortable situation. Like, many people's first impressions of me are often that I'm shy, but I think it's actually because, when I'm meeting new people, I'm very uncomfortable because I have difficulty with social situations. As a result, I withdraw inward so as to not be seen or heard. Because when someone REALLY gets to know me, I can be almost a little bombastic and silly and random. :P
I feel this! I was only diagnosed with ADHD at age 28 and before this it was like as you said; I've learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to keep the peace. I was told I was a shy child which I now know is called "masking" in order to avoid conflict, and now as an adult I feel very explosive, overly sensitive, and in constant stress. Given you use "Mum" too makes me wonder if this is another example of NHS not diagnosing ADHD due to external factors. I know it is really hard, stress and ADHD can lead to constant meltdowns/overwhelm, and it can feel so lonely. Hope you're doing ok, thank you for sharing.
@@ange76prkr You’re very welcome and thank you for sharing yourself. I’m from a non English speaking country but have just always preferred the British English, so no NHS for me 😉 But the quiet ADHD in girls was almost unheard of when I was a teenager, so that’s probably why. I felt more awkward than shy when I was younger. But I tend to keep my emotions within. So I don’t explode and I come off as very levelheaded and almost detached sometimes, but I can harbour pretty bitter feelings. Luckily I do tend to be of a forgiving nature, so I rarely really resent people. Sometimes it might just be for the best to get my feelings out in the open - but I dread getting those negative feelings in return. If someone criticises me, even in the kindest way, my mind can spiral down for days, thinking what an idiot I am. So that’s also a work in progress!
Reading all of your stories has reminded me how we're not alone in our experiences. Similar to y'all, I relate with Alicia's example. My parents were prone to anger (especially my father), and I would stay quiet and people pleased to survive. I always wanted to be seen but felt deeply uncomfortable being in the spotlight in social situations so I would just shy away from them. As I got older, my discontent with myself grew. I felt frustrated that I couldn't speak up for myself, allowed myself to depend on others for my worth, and generally felt I was in survival mode since my university years. I also found out I had undiagnosed ADHD at 27. Now I'm working on finding my voice and develop my self worth. I'm also learning more about ADHD and using that knowledge to give me better tools on how to perform in my job and reach my goals. It's a tough road ahead, but it's nice to know that we're not alone. I wish y'all the best of luck in your growth
@@tanyamelendez2060 You too! I hope you learn to accommodate your ADHD brain in the best, most healthy way. It’s a lifelong journey, but let’s at least take the scenic route 😄
I went to a psychiatrist last year for my depression and addiction. He told me: "I can't heal procrastination. Get a low effort stupid people job and when you have an existence you can come back and we can work on your issues" I obviously didn't go back to him and was lucky I was in a stabilizing program and in addiction care otherwise I would probably have done something stupid after this session.
I feel you. I went to a psychologist for depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts. He went on a whole elaborate discussion (I was supposed to listen, not talk) about how emotions aren’t real, they are just from perceptions. How none of my feelings are real because my mind is making shit up, essentially. After that session my desire to die was much much higher.
My father was physically (and emotionally) abusive towards me and my siblings (beating us so hard his hand would swell up, or leaving our backs so purple we couldn't lay down to sleep), and one thing that absolutely made things worse for me growing up was that every time I tried to open up about it I would hear one of the following: - I get hit too, and I'm fine - You have to understand where he's coming from - He was abused as a child too, so that's the only thing he knows how to do, you have to be understanding of his past because he had it way worse than you - He loves you very much, so you shouldn't spite him / hold a grudge / try to keep him out of your life - You're his favorite, so why are you complaining - That happened when you were a kid, why are you still upset about it (The physical part didn't stop until I was 16) To this day, if I try to confront him about it he's exact words are: "I only beat you as needed, cause I'm the head of the home before I'm anything else" and any negative feelings I have about being brought up in that kind of environment are met with "You should let go of the past and look forward", "He loves you and he did the best he could", "Why are you so spiteful?" and it drives me freaking crazy. Hell, I even had a therapist say to me (one day I was feeling really bad and wasn't opening up as much): "Well, I'm not your father so you should stop acting like that". It's hard to believe the world isn't against you when you're suffering and people tell you "You should be okay with it."
This is absolutely horrific! In NO way should people be saying this to you and I am so so sorry. I hear the same things, but I was "only" mentally abused so people don't really understand (I didn't either until a few years ago). I simply can not belive that someone would say that to a person who was BEATEN as a child!! Wtf is wrong with people, I am shocked!
@@sarafrolander2266 I'm Sorry to hear you went through something similar, mental, emotional or physical, abuse is abuse and no one should tell you that it's okay because they had "good intentions", my heart goes to you too and I hope you found the help you needed ♥️
@@thes0mething Thank you ❤️ It's always reassuring to hear when someone agrees it wasn't okay, and it still isn't. I did find the right help eventually, so I'm doing much better 😊
I once told a therapist about my manipulative mother who was a chronic liar...and when I told her one of the many stories my mom had created, the therapist responded with "Are you sure she was lying? People don't usually lie about that." Yes we were sure it was a lie, yes I told her as such, no she continued to question me and 'take my moms side'. It was awful, made it hard to trust future help.
Ooooh! I got one! A variation of “get over it,” I was telling someone about a person who was a trigger for me and they said “it’s in the past and that’s where it should stay.” Yeah, the events of the trauma happened 15+ years ago, but the effect is ongoing there, Susan (not her real name)
When I was 1, I experienced trauma due to a near-death experience. I had this gigantic seizure that threw off my breathing, and everything just sort of shut down. I don't remember ANY of this, but my parents told me I stopped breathing for about five minutes. I was already--thankfully--sick and in hospital at this point, so, when mom heard my breathing cut off, my dad went to the door of my room and just started yelling for help. They "code blue"'d me, and code blue in hospital is "someone has stopped breathing, so we need a CPR team", and so forth. I wake up in the freaking ICU with a tube down my throat, NO conception of where I was, or how I'd gotten there. It took me, probably, a good five minutes to realize I had the tube down my throat. I actually was clinically dead for a bit. TOTALLY disoriented, as you can imagine. So, later, when I got better and went home, I was so confused over why I felt so unhappy. Usually, my coming home from hospital--I've had WAY too much experience with this--is a very happy, comforting affair for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is to sleep in your own bed again and eat real food gain, and just get back to normal. But that time around, I couldn't feel happy about any of it, and I had no idea why. Mom told me that maybe I'd had too much happen, and she got me into therapy. It took a fir few months, and I missed the entire first term of school that year while I was getting better. Eventually, though, I don't know how many people reading this have depression, but if you do, have you ever experienced that moment of just...NOTICING stuff again? Like, I remember, I was in my room, door shut, just listening to music, and I looked out my window and just went, "Oh The sun is out." And it was just this simple, happy little thing that made me feel nice. That was not the end of the depression, but it was the beginning of the end. I began to wake up to the fact that there was a world around me again. Gods, though, HAVING depression feels so isolating, you know? You're caught up in your own head, and you can't HELP it Hell, you don't even NOTICE it. That's how it worked with me, at least.
It's not only therapists that say this, but also specialized doctors in other fields. Be careful, everyone. Be your own medic as well, but don't self-diagnose as a clinician would. 💚
Two things I can never stand: One: “It could always be worse” it makes me feel invalidated, like a cut on your finger still stings. It’s not not painful because you didn’t get stabbed. I know the saying is supposed to be positive, but it makes me feel like I can’t let something out because it’s not the worst thing to happen. Two: “Only soldiers get PTSD” or something like that. I’m a survivor/victim of SA, and there are times where I’m afraid to leave my house. I also got hit by a car and I feel afraid crossing the street. Watching these videos (and cinematherapy) really helps me feel like I can feel something.
When he said a friendship breakup can be traumatic, i felt seen for the first time. I always felt stupid whenever i thought about whether my friendship with said person could be really that damaging. It just didnt seem like friendships could mean that much that i could get that hurt over it? With relationships, maybe. But not friendships. Yet i knew it could be possible. I've had other close friends tell me it can be, but i could never feel...like it could. So when he said friendships can be traumatic, i just felt like a load was taken off.
Whenever I get emotional, I say I'm sorry, and my husband always tells me, don't apologize for having emotions, you don't have to be strong for me, let me be strong and there for you. He is so much of a literal Godsend.
Something disturbing my father said to me, when I was a little kid of 6/7 just about, he said: "You must be a strong person, crying is for women men shouldn't cry." So when I grew older, I understood this way I am only containing garbage inside, and don't allow it to go out, contain until the tank is too full. And I understood why he said that, because of his background story, he had to grow up without someone to really loved him, he had to survive. Some harsh story he has, not going to get into it right now, but I understand that he said what he said, from a place of wanting to give me power. And I have my own very harsh story, I had to survive as well from my own reasons. To this day, when I am sad I don't cry, I am not showing what I feel. However if a tear comes out, I don't stop it anymore. I just wanted to share this.
When doing the assessment, I struggled with the PTSD section because people have invalidated my workplace bullying experience..the Olympics of trauma was what I think I was doing. I never served in the military, police, ER, never witnessed a shooting , etc.
I used to belong to a PTSD online support group. One of the big rules was this is not a competition. There was no 'well my trauma was worse than yours, so my PTSD is more valid' kind of thing allowed. Your trauma is your trauma, period. And finding people who support your healing and don't try to invalidate it by saying your trauma wasn't bad enough is so important. Your trauma is valid and as in need of healing as anyone else. I wish you luck in your healing.
My therapist has told me point-blank that my c-ptsd is Real and Valid (even if I probably won’t “diagnose” for it ‘cause the current criteria here in the US is “experiencing a life-threatening situation or prolonged life-threatening situation” ) which…quite frankly? I needed the reminder. Trying to tell myself to “just get past it” (even without my family saying that to me repeatedly) was NOT (and is not) helping me recover and heal. My experience with being kept in pretty intense social/emotional bullying (verbal and isolation, tho it escalated to physical and off-campus a few times, especially by the end) for the better part of 13 years WAS traumatic. ALL of us in that hellhole didn’t come out without also having some degree of anxiety and depression…and yes even PTSD. And I wouldn’t invalidate someone else’s experiences that was able to “get out sooner”. It’s time I stopped feeding the shame dropped on me by my family for not being “resilient enough/as resilient as they were with their Much WORSE traumas”. I was still isolated, and forced to stay in it, with very little Outside Socialization/support in other environments. (And okay. So maybe the school never “physically” endangered me. But experiencing that as a child put me in a Really BAD headspace so that they really didn’t have to. But. Why should physical endangerment be a “deciding factor” AT ALL.)
ARLENE HOHNEKER you could have C-PTSD, which is a prolonged version more descriptive of our daily experiences. The responses are the same with "garden variety" trauma though, as Jonathan said
Same here. I'm been repeatedly bullied in 2 of my past jobs and it's destroyed my already fragile self esteem and sense of safety. I'm literally scared of workplaces. And it's so difficult because people think it's not valid because "you could have just left" or they don't think workplace bullying is a valid reason to feel traumatized.
Great video, as always! I’m estranged from my family because they are the type of people you mentioned - who intentionally inflicted horrific trauma. What’s so hard is the people who push me to reconcile with my family. I run across them a lot, especially at church, and I never know what to say. As an idea for a video, I had a therapist who blamed me for my bad relationship with my mother. I moved hundreds of miles to get safe from my family. This therapist called while I was on the road moving and homeless and berated me saying “These problems are all coming from you, and so they will always be with you no matter where you go. You need to come back.” By the grace of God I found a safe place to settle down and have gathered a great team of professionals. I was diagnosed with DID, and treatment is going well. But I wasn’t diagnosed before I got to safety. I know that therapist was wrong, and I suspect my mother called her (as she does all my therapists and professionals - because my mom is a psychopath). Nevertheless, I will never forget what that therapist said.
I was once told even a simple falling from a bicycle (no serious injury) can cause a trauma, it's not whether it's objectivly seen as traumatic but how we as individuals see or feel it
Therapist: "You just need to get over it!" Patient: ".... That's literally why I'm here?" Anyway, "getting over it" of course is the result you want, but there's a process to get there. Telling someone to "just get over it" is like saying "wave your magic wand and get to the result you want" without offering them anything helpful about HOW to actually do that. If someone hasn't "gotten over it" yet, 99 times out of 100 it's not because they don't want to - it's because the don't know how to begin that process, so telling them over and over again to do something they don't know how to do is NOT helpful.
Thank you for this video! I identified so much with what Alicia was saying about . I didn't have a parent that would raise their voice, but rather had a parent that was too critical of mistakes. It was unintentional, and it wasn't extreme (it wasn't like abusive where everything you did was wrong, just like if you put something away in the wrong place), but I am a sensitive little bean and grew up unconsciously trying to be perfect to avoid the criticism. Now I'm trying to rewire my brain because that is not serving me anymore. What has been really helping me (still working on this as we speak!) is writing an affirmation that is the total opposite of what the hurt part of me is trying to protect against, then repeat it often and use it in small seemingly inconsequential moments (spilled coffee? Happens to the best of us! Everyone's human!). Slowly and surely it starts becoming more natural to jump to the affirmation instead of the mean gremlins, so that when the 'bigger' things happen (accidentally forgetting to set an alarm and missing an important work meeting, for example), that it's a bit easier to remember the affirmation- instead of just spiraling into self criticism. That's been one of my biggest therapy takeaways - just because you know something is not serving you doesn't mean it magically goes away (so give yourself grace!), and by starting small in the moments you think you don't need the behavior change, it helps build up the practice so you're more able to use it when you need it most.
What would be some solutions for the “can’t speak up for myself” thing? Also, something a therapist friend has said: “I know they abused you. You have to be grateful for the experience, with forgiveness and unconditional love for them.” A couple days after the experience. Is it abusive to tell people to forgive way before they’re ready?
Grateful for the experience? Wow... that is an awful therapist... You also don’t own anyone forgiveness. Only give it if you want it. Its okay to also never give it. Some things cannot be fogiven.
The Olympics of suffering... I feel that describes it so well. I always thought that because people have had it worse than me, that I didn't experience "real" trauma. My friend helped me see it in a different way, the way she sees it from the outside in, but without putting her words into my mouth, purely guiding me by asking what I remember, what I felt, and so on, and then it suddenly hit me one day how effed up it all was.
Wow I can identify with Alicia. I have a sensitive disposition and my father always raised his voice and he would spank me even into my late teens. I grew up with feelings of inadequacy because I was never good enough..always making me feel bad about not getting math, though when it comes to crossword puzzles I am the go to person. I struggle to make it on my own and on my own terms. I think my father saw me a financial liability. Some boomer generation households had this women should be be seen and not heard mentality. I think that may be partly why Gen X girls growing up not learning to speak up for ourselves.i went through most of my youth never knowing I can take initiative
I'm starting to hit a point with my current therapist that I feel like I need to find a new one. She doesn't tell me to just get over it, but tells me I "need to find a way to move past" years of emotional abuse. Like....yeah no shit but I don't know how to do that, you think I haven't tried? 😂
Similarly, one of my past counselors told me I "sounded very selfish" when I tried talking to her about how lonely I was feeling because it felt like no one around me cared about me at all. It was something I already believed about myself (because of the same trauma that led me to feel uncared for by virtually anyone, regardless of whether they actually did or not, in the first place), and because a person of authority, a person who "knows better", confirmed it to be true, I basically turned myself into a villain in my own head, and I became even harder on myself after that. A part of me did know that it wasn't a great thing for her to say, but it was extremely difficult to sift out as a useless comment made by someone who wasn't even trying to understand what the real problem was. (Which, she definitely never even tried to figure out how to help me. That was the comment that stung the most, but it wasn't the only weirdly judgemental thing she said to me. Not a great look for a counselor or therapist to be so openly judgey of their clients). I'm nothing but grateful that my current therapist has been showing me that so many of these feelings stem from wounds and trauma that need love and patience on my own part in order to heal. I'm not "selfish", I'm a person with wounds that hadn't been given a chance to heal, and I'm the only one who can make sure those wounds aren't continuously getting poked at and infected. And the only way to do that is self-love.
The "We don't love ourselves because we don't feel worthy of love" hit me very hard. That's exactly how I feel about myself. I am generally a very uncaring person, I have a very limited amount of love to give, so why would I give it to someone who doesn't deserve it. Even more, why would I give it to someone who has ruined my life, because ultimately the one responsible for that is me.
I think if I had a suggestion, it would be that a video on some methods on fostering self-love might be useful. Jonathan's right: I think a lot of us get squicked-out about self-love precisely because there's been certain less-than-flattering connotations with it. The champion of methods for me would be loving-kindness meditation--if only because it encourages you to love others along with yourself. If you can find a way to frame yourself as the vulnerable and worthy of love being you are, it feels a little less cheap. But that's my experience, and I still do struggle. YMMV.
"Because if they see me they're not going to like me." This line finally made me realize why I act in this way. Childhood and schoolyard bullying. So I hid from my family even when it wasnt warranted because if they see me they will bully me. So now I live my life trying to skate under the radar and not attract any attention so that I can do my weirdness in private and not feel the judgment. And even now in adulthood when Im trying to undo that behavior, people are still bullies and it takes me back to that bad place as a child. It hurts esp. for (supposed) romantic relationships
I guess it depends on the trauma, but personally I could not start to heal until I lost hope. Specifically the hope that my parents would change. I spend all of my childhood trying to change my self and everything I did, trying to tell them how they hurt me, trying to get them to talk to eachother after their screaming drunk arguments... Nothing worked, it only made it worse. Some people will never understand and think I am horrible and sinical for going no contact and saying that they will never change. Truth is I have to protect myself and my children. Now that they are no longer in my life I can start to breath in a way that I didn't even know was possible. I no longer find myself on the floor gasping for air. In addition, I was previously dealing with some physical pain and fatique that was so bad that I was suspected of being narcoleptic. It has now magically gone away. I have much more energy now than I have ever had in my life even though I have a baby and a two year old. It hurts sometimes that people will minimizemy experience because I wasn't fysically abused, but I sometimes wished I was. The confusion of the psycological abuse is something I can not describe to someone that has not gone through it. I really didn't figure it out properly until a few years ago when I was around 27.
I'm glad you got out. My mom had a similar revelation about her mom, but . . . much, much later in life. She's doing a lot better now, but I'm sorry to say a lot of my childhood and young adulthood was dominated by that dynamic between them. Stay safe.
Worst mental health advice? In the form of screaming, "STOP CRYING!" You know, because screaming angrily is going to make me cry less. I was a crier a a kid, and I always saw it as a form of weakness. Not anymore, now that I know the science. Tears release massive amounts of bad hormones from our bodies. It's like a mental bath.
I cry easily and have always done so, but it was basically not allowed in my household growing up. I was always made fun of or yelled at when I cried. Worst was when my dad said that crying was manipulation and called it mental abuse (that I apperently was exercising agenst him).
Can we have a video for on how responses may differ for people who were born into trauma vs not. Also those who were born into trauma and then later go on to encounter more trauma.
Maybe even like epigenetics man. My partner's mother was abusing drugs while pregnant and it definitely must have an impact
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The conversation about love and meritocracies reminded me of something I tell my cats. "You're a good baby. I love you. I don't love you because you're good though. I love you because you're my baby." Sometimes they slow blink at me in response. Sometimes they attack the furniture.
I'm gonna drop this here. So, I was sexually assaulted as a kid (7) and to make a point about why I have issues with medical examinations I told my terapist about this episode in my life. The moment I stopped talking he asked 'did you try to make him stop?' and I kid you not I was speechless, I felt utterly offended. As a kid living with a lot of adults I was always trying to adapt to everything that was happening to me, I was praised for being calm and for not talk much. In that situation I didnt even know what was happening, I didnt have 'the talk' with my mom yet (the talk never happened btw) so back at his question, I wondered why he did asked me that, he didnt have much context and to me it looked like he was insinuating that it was 'consented' since I didnt try to stop the act. He's not my therapist anymore.
One of my therapists once told me, "You'll either get over it, or you and your partner will break up." And moved on to a new topic, as if that was acceptable therapy.
What I really hated most of my life was hearing 'He was a great guy' - It has been years ago, but this was most of my childhood & teen years - He's dead now, but I still hear it from unknowing family members -I've had years of therapy, but I really don't think it's done much good -I think the best I can do is stay away from those family members & hopefully soon I can move away & start over
I guess I can relate - the way I see it is, he might've been a great guy *to them* but he wasn't to me. If we are willing to acknowledge the good parts why should we bury the bad parts of that person. Simply put, you can't tell people what their experience of someone is even if they are amazing to you!
I can relate very much with Alicia. First of all: I'm sorry you had to live through this. It guess I'm quite sensitive too. In my family, there was lots of anger from both my parent's sides. And my mother has BPD. So I was constantly walking on eggshells, and what I discover more and more through the (years of) therapy is just how unsafe it was to "unpractical". I just had to function, and most of all, emotions were not safe. Mostly the bad ones, but at times even the positives. This is something I struggle with a lot. I still question their right to be and even the emotions as such. I don't know if I feel, what I feel, what I would "have to" would, what I am "allowed to" feel most of the times. So it is best not to feel at all. Because getting upset, getting angry allways made things worse. Allways... And I 100% can't speak up for myself, especially not with my family members. So over time I got used to take all kinds of sh*, silently, not complaining, not showing any emotion, and believing to deserve it all... Oddly enough, I am very good at observing other people though, at scanning their emotional states and considering their situation. I guess that was a skill that helped me with my mother and her volatile temper. For me it's rather that I will get blamed, ridiculed, not being taken seriously anyway if I would speak my opinion. I recently read "the body keeps the score" from Bessel van der Kolk. It was hard,and fitting, and mind-opening. I feel like many people watching this video and realting might profit from doing so as well. I'm going to give EMDR therapy a chance end of this month. I'm curious and scared at the sametime, but I'm so stuck I tell myself it can hardly get worse. The unconditional love is a hard topic. I honestly question if I ever got it. And feel like I don't deserve it. But at the same time I love tha idea, I think it should exist. And because I cannot ask for sth. I am not ready to give in return, I really want to give that unconditional love. Especially to my mother, who turned into "the black sheep" of her generation in the family. I'm pretty much the last one she can turn to, and rely on. And at the same time that's "bad" for me at least. My dad (parents had an ugly divorce where neither side acted all too well) constantly tells me to "cut all the ties" with her, magically thinking that would cure all my issues (which it would definitely not), and then blaming me that "I just don't want to listen to him"... At the same time, I apply that "unconditional love rule" to him as well, because there were years without any contact and it was me who reached out to him again, for a new start (with again other family members telling me then, and now partly, to dump him). It's simply exhausting. (and sorry for ranting so much) And about the video's starting point, it's hard to believe a thereapist would say such a thing. My family members constantly did (standard phrase: "why do you have to restart with old trifles?" and of course the "just get over it!"), but a therapist? Really unprofessional.
I went to a GP in Australia and talked about my depression because my medical condition made any sort of work next to impossible and I was kind of floundering trying to work out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Her solution? Get a job! Um, I just told you exactly why that's so hard. It was like she couldn't get her head around that their might be other ways to find purpose, meaning, inspiration and enjoyment out of life. Luckily she just inspired me to go out there and find them.
I had one pretty much say "you're grieving, it's normal, I don't need to see you again" after a friend died (attempted to kill herself in the place I work - when I was working - and subsequently died from her attempt). This did not help at all, saw a different therapist which was a much better fit for me and we worked on what I was grieving about and the other things feeding into this. And yes, so identified with what Alicia was talking about, it was a big deal for me to even speak up and ask for help.
My doctor ordered me to not have contact with my family. It was a condition of her continuing to treat me. I listened to my doctor. She had her license removed by the provincial body a few years ago (the doctor had hired a patient for after surgery care and then refused to pay compensation and was abusive). When I confronted her by phone she responded by leaving a message telling me what a horrible person I am. Ten years of my life. Gone. - Cathy (&, accidently, Steve), Ottawa/Bytown/Pimisi
Thank you, this was beautifully created. And sorry for my fieriest of comments. I apologise if I was ever one of those mentioned in the Will Smith video. Learning that trauma responses also change especially if badly encouraged. Many therapists encouraged me towards anger cos of a SA filled childhood (towards the trauma olympics). Now the unlearning of that is taking even longer. I'll never forget the therapist who said "if you are ever assaulted again make sure you attack him honey"
Wow! No wonder a lot of people are cynical about therapy! I've been blessed to have enough experience with great therapy to speak up when a comment falls wrong (because therapists are human, too 😉 ). If they're good, they'll recognize the disconnect and focus on us understanding each other. If they double down on the misread, I straight out say, "Thank you for your time. Unfortunately, we're not a good fit." Then, I ask friends for recommendations and try again.
Thank you for this video!! My father was very angry and I has a similar response as Alicia to anger for years afterwards. I'm grateful to have a therapist that did not downplay my traumatic experiences.
First of all, thank you for these videos! I love your insights and how you explain everything. One thing I've wanted to share is: "You being asexual might be the reason why you have a bad relationship with you father. Because, you know, attraction is palpable, so the lack of attraction might be off-putting to him." That's what a therapist said to me when I wanted to try and get to a place where I can accept how the relationship with my father went down and maybe better understand it all...
@@ashleyiz2008 He was basically saying that he might be able to "sense" my lack of attraction to people and thus subconsciously distance himself from me. In that moment, I had been too stunned to speak, but if anyone ever says that again, I'm now prepared with a good range of comebacks 😅 But yeah, that experience (along with life in general just currently not quite allowing me to stay in one place for an extended period of time) certainly has an effect on how ready I am to look for help again. I will, eventually. But I can't really right now
Other things I’ve heard are “try not to think about it”, “look on the bright side”, etc. I was just thinking if I could do that I wouldn’t be here but thanks that was so so so helpful!
Some therapists just shouldn't be therapists. Was working through an ongoing, coercive SA situation. My therapist told me that since I gave in and did it "willingly" it wasn't SA. Took me a long time before I realized the "gave in" part was the the important part, not the "willing" part.
How do you heal an ingrained sense of worth based on achievement, after years of only feeling loving, warm responses based on extraordinary accomplishment? For me, stating that I have innate worth is kind of like saying "just get over it"; it doesn't plug up that hole, that void where unconditional love should have been deposited during my formative experiences but, due to ignorance, not malice, simply wasn't. Any love I feel for myself, any hope for my future is conditional, based on a specific type of accomplishment that was overvalued and even deified in my family. I'd love to know what you think can be done in a case like mine. Thank you for reading and for broaching the topic of unconditional vs meritocratic love.
The sudden "Oh" when I realized some things about how I grew up I did know that if someone had worse faith then me it never meant I couldn't talk about my frustrations and pains. But I always was dismissing the thought that I had experienced trauma and I AM having trauma responses. Well u get to know something new 'bout yourself everyday, isn't it so huh? ugh...
Going along a similar theme, something I would love if you would talk about, I have a moderate to severe panic disorder. It acts up in cycles, so some years I’ll be completely fine, like it’s in remission, and other years I can barely leave the house because the panic attacks are so frequent and so intense. My in-laws have told me that I should just try to calm down and relax. Thanks guys, I never thought of that! I’ll just go ahead and fix it that way! They mean well, but they’re not always empathetic people.
I'm sorry you experienced that. People who don't understand or haven't experienced anxiety, panic, or depression can be really thoughtless and hurtful when they say things like "just relax" or "stop worrying." I've had people (doctors) tell me that regarding my anxiety.
Thing a grief counsellor said to me about my father was never there for me, who walked out of my life, after he passed away.passed. " You just need to respect his decision. You're never going to get closure."
thanks for making these vids! 💙 for me im just now looking into the whole trauma topic because of a breakup i had a year ago, for which my thoughts always were either "why havent u gotten over it by now, wtf" or "dont gotta be overdramatic, that most def isn't a trauma", bc this word always had such a heavy meaning for me, like something really bad must happen to even have that. but since ive started watching your videos about it, ive started trying out these steps and kind of figuring out self-love, i guess :) so, thanks again, and also, much love to everyone who's going through tough times right now 💙
That stinks that people told you your experience wasn't a trauma. In my case, I lost all appetite, which I consider fairly concrete evidence that the breakup had a significant effect on my well-being. I was still able to function well enough to schedule meals, but I had to work hard to fill my days and nights with wholesome activities and people until I healed enough to enjoy food again. Part of why I was so upset is that I was convinced that there was nobody out there who could be as good of a fit for me, always having been outside the norm. It also meant an upheaval in my residence, my finances, my circle of friends, potentially in my career... I had to decide how to rebuild my life alone and figure out what would be feasible, without the partner I had gotten used to turning to for advice. The relationship itself involved other trauma, but the breakup was traumatic in its own right. I sympathize for couples who have a court battle and custody/coparenting to deal with on top of all that.
The Olympics of suffering. My goodness are you correct. I had PTSD for so long, but I didn't know until an epically huge trauma occurred. Then I could suddenly see all of them.
I was having difficulty getting over a breakup and my therapist's advice was to block him. I told her, "You're telling me to go from here to here. I'm not ready for that yet." And she was insistent and basically said that was the only way for me to feel better. She probably wasn't wrong but I felt completely invalidated. We had a MOO the following week haha. I am now with 2 new therapists who actually sit in my pain with me and I feel so great now. I'm wondering if I just had better help to begin with I would've gotten through the breakup sooner.
A therapist once said to me that he would be depressed too if he was going through what i was. Then didn’t offer any further advice or help. (I had a chronic health condition that stopped my PhD briefly). I didn’t see him again and got a new therapist who was MUCH more helpful.
I kinda feel like I could write a book about what sh*t therapist said to me. One of the newest stuff is, after 10 years not being able to cure my anxiety the new therapist I went to told me, "I just have to push the anxiety down". Like wtf, thanks for your great advice. Once at a different therapist I started to cry and she asked me: "Are you sad?" And that's just a top of the iceberg, I've never found someone that would actually listen and not tell me crap that is commonly known by everybody.
My mother abused me emotionally growing up. Whenever i told people my experiences, they’d tell me “well she had a lot on her plate”, “people make mistakes, they aren’t perfect”, “she was also raised this way, it’s not her fault”. It made me feel like a burden, like my trauma doesn’t matter. The way she abused me has affected my daily life, how I react when someone raises her voice at me, when people get heatedly angry at me, when adults are dissapointed in me. Growing up, I didn’t want to hear people trying to “make me understand my mom”, because I already knew that she did love me, that she had bad coping mechanisms and took it out on other people, that she wasn’t raised to share her feelings or have healthy coping. I didn’t need to hear that, because I already understood that. I wanted someone, especially an adult, to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t a burden. That she shouldn’t have treated me like that. That I didn’t deserve it.
I have "garden variety" C-PTSD as well, from family dynamics and being neurodivergent. highly recommend a book "The Body Keeps the Score" if you want to understand trauma responses more
After being fired twice, homelessness, getting kicked out of other peoples' houses, losing lots of relationships, and the pandemic, I'm exhausted. I just feel ripped to shreds. I can't take any more blows.
I myself struggle with speaking up for myself. It’s complicated for me because a family member of mine says mean things to me sometimes and when I speak up for myself, I’m the problem or I’m being disrespectful. But at the same time they want me to learn to speak up for myself to the outside world. How can I speak up at the outside world if I can’t even speak up in my own home?
My problem is blaming myself for being who I am. The work of loving myself has made it a lot easier to do the work I need to. I would advise people who were struggling to find 'the relationship' to list all the things they want from the relationship, then start giving that to themselves.
Growing up with ADHD (and later diagnosed with ASD), I would have to explain certain things to my dad, and his response was "don't make it an excuse." Thankfully, that's no longer something he says, and he has a better understanding of the struggles that I deal with so he's more likely to ask me where my head is at instead. Which is FAR more helpful for both him and my.
One doozy from a past therapist: "Maybe you shouldn't have slept w him" when I was describing my anxiety and fear about my past relationship w my manipulative and emotionally abusive ex (who I still interacted w regularly because of work). Needless to say it was my last session w that therapist.
We've been told this, not by therapists necessarily, but by people in our church, when my husband (we'll call him Tom) and I initially got together and the church leadership tried to separate us. We were in our late twenties, independent, never married...just in love and ready to commit to each other. I had very recently broken up with my long-time boyfriend (we'll call him George), who I'd spent several years coming to terms with the reality that George was verbally abusive and extremely controlling. He controlled every calorie I consumed, every move I made, and every person I saw in my day. I was underweight, randomly passing out, getting sick all the time, and exhausted, and it was only then I realized how bad things had gotten. I was a husk of a person. When the church leadership caught wind that I had broken up with George and taken up with Tom, they lost their minds. Tom and George were on the worship team together, and they told Tom that if he kept on seeing me, he wasn't welcome to play with them anymore. Tom's dad was on the Elder Board, and they told him if he supported us, he wasn't welcome there either. They didn't try to punish me, but they did tell me I should "love George and try to not date anyone for at least six months," and that Tom and I being together was making the congregation uncomfortable. We were literally holding hands in church - nothing crazy. The overstepping in this was nuts. We left on our own, they didn't physically push us out, but they did their level best to let us know we weren't welcome if we showed up together. It's been six years, and neither Tom, nor I, nor his mom, nor his dad are church-goers anymore. Tom and I are no longer Christians. When we see the friends we made at that church, they often tell us how much better everything is now, as though that would tempt us back. They tell us George is so much healthier than he was before, that we wouldn't recognize him, as though him getting better would have any effect on the six years of struggle I had with him, let alone that his true nature was always concealed from them - they have no idea how terrible it really was, so how could they gauge whether he is better or not? They tell us how great everyone is there, and look at us with pity in their eyes, as though we could get past the incredible hurt they caused us, and somehow trust them again. They invite George, Tom, and I to parties, without telling us George will be there, in hopes we will make up with him. It's really heart-breakingly, maddeningly terrible. There isn't a lot of support for religious abuse here, and it's been an isolating road, but I am so happy to be married to Tom. I just wish people could find it in their hearts to be happy for us, and accept that there is nothing wrong with us for a. simply loving each other, and b. wanting absolutely no contact with George. Anyway, sorry for the diatribe. Getting over things is complicated. Tom and I have been to therapy for years, trying to find a way to live full lives in a small community with that in our past, and I don't know that we'll ever truly be "over it."
My former therapist asked me several times "Where does that come from?", "Why do you keep going back to the victim story?" She also said "You need to stop blaming others."
This is the first time trauma has been explained to me in an understandable manner. It helps, and being affirmed that a person's actions are their choice.
Worst thing a therapist said to me, "I don't think you're lying, but maybe you just don't remember." This was after saying that he thought I'd done a specific terrible thing. That seriously messed me up for a long time. To the point that I didn't trust my perception of reality or reasoning processes. I eventually came to a few conclusions that helped. I'll list them as they may be applicable to other situations. 1. While all of us have flaws in our perception and reasoning, mine's all I've got. If it's sound, then I can't go through life doubting everything. On the other hand, if it really is that damaged, then it's someone else's responsibility to deal with that. 2. The accusation was entirely outside of what I believe I could ever do. 3. I would remember that. 4. Other people would remember that. 5. Even if everyone allegedly involved, including me, somehow repressed their memories there would be some kind of evidence.
This is a huge thing in my own family of origin (where I'm one of twelve children), as well as in our religious culture. People are pressured into forgiving and forgetting, which causes suppression of feelings, enabling further controlling abuse and trauma. Whenever the recipient of pain, control and abuse speaks up about it, everyone else, particularly in their own family either suddenly becomes quiet, because they don't know what to do, don't want more drama in the family, and don't want to get involved, or if others do speak up, it's to tell the victim that they should be more Christ-like and forgiving, instead of being so judgmental, frustrated and angry. This prevents victims from getting the validation, protection, and help that they need, and causes everyone else to get the idea that the controlling dominion and abuse are not that big of a deal, and to just get used to it.
Thanks for this video. It took me many years to learn that my adverse childhood experiences created trauma responses in my social life. I thought just because I wasn't a drug addict or divorced several times that I didn't have trauma. I had a lot of trauma and on a few occasions cried out for help only to be gas-lit out of it. Recognizing it is very hard, but it's the beginning of healing. Keep up the good work!
I'm still unlearning some of my coping mechanisms from my abusive marriage. They kept me safe, so I'm grateful, but they no longer serve me in my current life.
Well I think that spiritual aspect is often underrated in that king of issues. As a catholic I always have somebody who loves me unconditionally no matter what. He loves me so much that he would (and did) die for me. That brings me and I think a lot of people to a safe place of being loved and accepted
I love how you two interact. You can truly tell you are listening to understand not to respond. Wonderful example of having a conversation with different opinions at times but talking about it healthily.
Last thing my therapist said to me was "I don't think it was abuse" and actively encouraged me to keep toxic people in my life. I no longer have a therapist and been doing better watching a plethora of therapists on RUclips.
I so totally understand what was said about not feeling loved, feeling wanted or worthy of love. I grew up in an abusive home and I felt like this for a long time. I don't any longer (thank you years of therapy). But that raw, sharp pain of feeling unloved and unwanted never completely goes away.
The therapists advice reminds me of that Bob Newhart sketch where a woman comes in for help getting over a paralyzing fear of being buried alive in a box. The therapist repeatedly tells her to just stop it. And she keeps saying she can’t just stop it. Eventually he tells to her to “stop it or I’ll bury you alive in a box” Very funny. But definitely not advice you want from your actual therapist. It takes time and work to get past these things. Thanks for the video!
When I tried to tell my therapist about my traumas I was going through to have a breakdown about my traumas and my past. My therapist was so stoic, silent, and asked me, why do I like hurting myself? I was shocked because I was trying to break down all the pain and everything I went through that was out of my control and I was emotionally in turmoil from it all without knowing how to handle it. And I was asked by him why I liked hurting myself, when I had went through so much not knowing how to process it and I was internalizing it all blaming myself for everything. I felt so much shame and embarrassment thinking that maybe I was the problem when it was in fact not appropriate. My therapist later on stopped listening to me and then later on ghosted me. I was distraught the entire time because while I was trying to get help I was paying him to just sit there and do nothing while I was talking when all I wanted was to get better with the professional rather than to have been ghosted and victim shamed by my therapist while paying for no help and silence.
I needed this! Last year I found out a bunch of stuff about my relationship that I wasn't supposed to know about. Secrets, and things that had been happening for years and it hurt so so bad. It made me feel like everything I experienced was a lie for all of those years, and who I thought he was as a person. We tried couples counseling and I did get the "Well you need to decide if you can get over it and move on or if you can't" from the therapist... But if I could get over it I wouldn't have sought out a couples counselor 😅 I thought I had processed most of it but as we get close to the date I found out this stuff (or even happy moments in time that now feel tainted) I've noticed myself not handling it well all over again as if it had just happened.
Something my mother said that shocked me. "Well if you know I didn't say it maliciously, how can you just not be hurt by it?" I used a hammer and a nail as a metaphor to explain to her that she pounded a nail in my psyche. And I know that she didn't intend to hurt me, so I can pull out the nail. But the hole is still there. I can't just pretend it never existed. Its going to take time and effort to fill it back in and it can be close, but it still happened and it still wasn't ok.
I've had this said to me in a therapy session. Needless to say it was the last one I had with that therapist. It was really unhelpful and meant it took me a lot longer to deal with the issue.
I had lots of traumatic experiences growing up. A therapist once told me I cannot have CPTSD from those because I wasn't in a war or wasn't raped or anything like that. I knew that was rubbish. But it was still shocking to hear a professional say that. From what I understand it was mostly feeling helpless and alone with this and not being believed that fed a lot into the trauma.
I think it's kinda common not to try to get past it though. Or have the outlook that you can't. And that's not true. Maybe long, and maybe painful, but we gotta try! Edit: If we don't try, we'd just be stuck there forever.
"Love your neighbor as yourself." One of the wisest things in the Bible, and it implies that it isn't truly possible to love your neighbor unless you first love yourself.
The one that I didn't like was when I was upset because I summed up the courage to ask my mom for help with my homework and she said no. The counselor suggested she was just busy at the time, so if I just think that, then its not so upsetting.
I needed this today. ❤ love that you give us ways to love ourselves and give ways to change our behavior/way of thinking while explaining it so well. thank you for your channels on here and free advice!
Still struggling calling it love, but I started to be a good friend to me and supportive and that helped a lot and shift my relationship with myself in a more healthy direction. Like having your inner voices repeat the judgemental, shaming, traumatic stuff over and over, but now you do it to yourself, was definitely not serving me.
Hypnosis is a great tool to uncover the pain caused by trauma. Only if you feel the pain that the trauma caused you can give the right amount of validation to it. I mean to the acceptance that you've been hurt and address this to make yourself see that it wasn't your fault. It turned my life around. My father se****** abused as a child and I thought so long: It wasn't that bad. But telling myself this caused so many s*** If been through in relationships. It was fucking bad and for the first time I was deeply angry and able to adress the guild to where it belonged and not against myself or a partner. Because its there and it will be triggered!
family minimizes trauma too. you life is better than so and so. you have you have that. or worse yet the compare my childhood to the persons childhood who the main source of my trauma. you guys hit the nail on the head for me. emotional trauma is hard to talk about and hard to stop. my parents said I could talk to them about anything.... yet when I would bring up that calling me names, belittling me, and teasing me hurt me they (mainly my father) would say get over it man up. I am extremely sensitive ive felt its a curse. I have to not feel because the world is to cruel. when I turn on my emotions (I make time for a night a feeling every month or so) its too overwhelming to keep them on. the joy and love is great I love feeling that especially as deeply as I can. but opposition in everything. just as intense as the love and joy are the pain, hurt, and betrayal are just as strong.
I was told during a first meeting "we can't help you because you are not mentally ill, you are depressed, and you are depressed because you have been through alot, and we'd be worried if you weren't depressed "😐 So I left knowing, yup,your life sucks, I guess at least I know that much is true. My first visit to a counseling session, the guy kept falling asleep, my mom never made another appointment.
The worst thing I was told by a therapist on my first meeting, was "it's all your parents fault." This was after he asked me if I knew what the definition of insanity was. This was all in about 20 minutes of me talking to him. Needless to say, I did not return to him.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my then boyfriend caused me a couple panic attacks, one that ended in me sustaining an ankle injury that still hasn't fully healed (I'm 20 turning 21 in a few months and this was tenth grade when I was 16), and he actually hit me at one point and my therapist at the time genuinely blamed *me* and said that my abuse was *my* fault. Yea I don't see her anymore
Where can we submit things to this series cause recently a therapist wouldn't listen to my best friend explaining why they wanted an autism test cause they "Didn't look autistic".
I had a serious car accident a couple years ago where I got rear ended, and went to therapy for driving anxiety. I was also having a depressive period that I felt like a failure for my mom getting hurt in that accident, and not being able to work due to my injuries. The first therapist said "you just need to get back into driving", then focused on my neck and shoulder pains. He completely ignored my anxiety, even after I explained in the second session that I am already going to physiotherapy for physical pain. He just kept repeating that "you can drive again once your neck and shoulder is good". I had to switch 2 more time to find a therapist that address my driving anxiety properly.
I have a hard time with self love because everytime I try I get told how horrible and selfish I am. I was physically and emotionally abused for many years found out I was pregnant after I left him because he put me in the hospital. I than thought I found safe love in my high school sweetheart we had a son together and he hits me too. My mom was there and did nothing and still likes him and wants me to marry him. My whole family just pretends I'm fine and have no reason to be traumatized and in need of help. If I'm not fine I'm selfish or a horrible mom. Not allowed to leave my abusive ex or have a job or an outside life because that would be selfish of me. Not sure how to love myself when told my whole life that was wrong. Just turned 30
The first time I spoke to a marriage counsellor I told them something hurtful that my spouse had said to me. Their response was complete disbelief "They didn't say that." I felt as if no one was ever going to believe me after that.
I'd love to hear about when others minimize your abuse, like with emotional/narcissistic abuse. It's the whole "it's not that bad" mentality from others minimizing your situation, which can be hard to articulate or prove, that just gets you more sick, makes you feel more like you must deserve it, or you are just being a big baby about it.
Yeah, like I went through emotional/mental abuse from my stepmother and their excuses were either “we were just trying to do the best we can” or “it wasnt that bad/you remember it wrong”
@@leenhellemans "You remember it wrong" is total gaslighting....which is the abuse continuing to this day.
I find it easier to work through physical abuse than I do emotionally/verbal. Its pretty common in my experience.
Minimizing or playing the victim card that's not an easy one to get through, things like "well, I'm hurting too" and then if they hurt you then they make their pain worse or insurmountable
I can definitely understand this. Emotional abuse is sometimes really hard to articulate and even understand. Most of the time the other person is gaslighting and making you feel like you are the one to blame. I think it’s also very easily done because the narcissist chooses their victim. So, you are left questioning your own reality but that feeling really doesn’t go away. That feeling that you know something isn’t right and that you aren’t to blame. That it did happen and that it did hurt and that it was not okay. That your boundary was crossed. You can’t argue how someone feels. Feelings are subjective.
I really resonated with Alicia on the part of growing up as a sensitive child.
I come from a very strong and loving family, and I love them all to bits. But my father had serious health problems and treatment was expensive, so money was always scarce. My little brother was also very sick as a baby and young child.
All these stress factors made my poor mum extremely explosive and she would blow up when she came home and we hadn’t cleaned our rooms, made our homework etc. Add to that a sensitive little girl with undiagnosed ADHD who struggled to figure out why it was so hard to just get those things done.
I certainly learned a lot of coping mechanisms to avoid conflict that are not necessarily healthy, and I’m struggling to replace them with better tools. Especially learning to claim my place and not just give way to everyone else, in order to keep the peace.
Oh wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine growing up, only it was my father and the stress was caused by his work and all the political drama that happened therein (he was a pastor, and I'm talking church politics).
But I too happened to be an extremely sensitive girl, and I also had ADHD, though it was diagnosed (cuz my mom's a doctor and both parents wanted to know what was "wrong with me"), and yeah, with my dad it often came out in the form of yelling at me and my sister. Because of that, I became extremely sensitive whenever anyone raised their voice around me. Even if it wasn't directed at me, I would still tense up.
And now that I think on it, what Alicia said about the whole coping mechanism about not being seen or heard, I just realized that I think that's what I do when I find myself in an uncomfortable situation. Like, many people's first impressions of me are often that I'm shy, but I think it's actually because, when I'm meeting new people, I'm very uncomfortable because I have difficulty with social situations. As a result, I withdraw inward so as to not be seen or heard. Because when someone REALLY gets to know me, I can be almost a little bombastic and silly and random. :P
I feel this! I was only diagnosed with ADHD at age 28 and before this it was like as you said; I've learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to keep the peace.
I was told I was a shy child which I now know is called "masking" in order to avoid conflict, and now as an adult I feel very explosive, overly sensitive, and in constant stress.
Given you use "Mum" too makes me wonder if this is another example of NHS not diagnosing ADHD due to external factors.
I know it is really hard, stress and ADHD can lead to constant meltdowns/overwhelm, and it can feel so lonely. Hope you're doing ok, thank you for sharing.
@@ange76prkr You’re very welcome and thank you for sharing yourself.
I’m from a non English speaking country but have just always preferred the British English, so no NHS for me 😉 But the quiet ADHD in girls was almost unheard of when I was a teenager, so that’s probably why.
I felt more awkward than shy when I was younger. But I tend to keep my emotions within. So I don’t explode and I come off as very levelheaded and almost detached sometimes, but I can harbour pretty bitter feelings. Luckily I do tend to be of a forgiving nature, so I rarely really resent people. Sometimes it might just be for the best to get my feelings out in the open - but I dread getting those negative feelings in return. If someone criticises me, even in the kindest way, my mind can spiral down for days, thinking what an idiot I am. So that’s also a work in progress!
Reading all of your stories has reminded me how we're not alone in our experiences.
Similar to y'all, I relate with Alicia's example. My parents were prone to anger (especially my father), and I would stay quiet and people pleased to survive. I always wanted to be seen but felt deeply uncomfortable being in the spotlight in social situations so I would just shy away from them. As I got older, my discontent with myself grew. I felt frustrated that I couldn't speak up for myself, allowed myself to depend on others for my worth, and generally felt I was in survival mode since my university years. I also found out I had undiagnosed ADHD at 27.
Now I'm working on finding my voice and develop my self worth. I'm also learning more about ADHD and using that knowledge to give me better tools on how to perform in my job and reach my goals.
It's a tough road ahead, but it's nice to know that we're not alone. I wish y'all the best of luck in your growth
@@tanyamelendez2060 You too! I hope you learn to accommodate your ADHD brain in the best, most healthy way. It’s a lifelong journey, but let’s at least take the scenic route 😄
I went to a psychiatrist last year for my depression and addiction. He told me: "I can't heal procrastination. Get a low effort stupid people job and when you have an existence you can come back and we can work on your issues"
I obviously didn't go back to him and was lucky I was in a stabilizing program and in addiction care otherwise I would probably have done something stupid after this session.
That is horrifying, disturbing and infuriating. I'm sorry you had to hear those stupid shit words. 🫂
I feel you. I went to a psychologist for depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts. He went on a whole elaborate discussion (I was supposed to listen, not talk) about how emotions aren’t real, they are just from perceptions. How none of my feelings are real because my mind is making shit up, essentially. After that session my desire to die was much much higher.
sorry it happened to you. you deserve someone better and more professional
🤯😱😱😱😱 no way someone said that too you!
Even if the issue is just procrastination isn't a therapist supposed to help you fix that problem? God he sounds like a prick.
My father was physically (and emotionally) abusive towards me and my siblings (beating us so hard his hand would swell up, or leaving our backs so purple we couldn't lay down to sleep), and one thing that absolutely made things worse for me growing up was that every time I tried to open up about it I would hear one of the following:
- I get hit too, and I'm fine
- You have to understand where he's coming from
- He was abused as a child too, so that's the only thing he knows how to do, you have to be understanding of his past because he had it way worse than you
- He loves you very much, so you shouldn't spite him / hold a grudge / try to keep him out of your life
- You're his favorite, so why are you complaining
- That happened when you were a kid, why are you still upset about it (The physical part didn't stop until I was 16)
To this day, if I try to confront him about it he's exact words are: "I only beat you as needed, cause I'm the head of the home before I'm anything else" and any negative feelings I have about being brought up in that kind of environment are met with "You should let go of the past and look forward", "He loves you and he did the best he could", "Why are you so spiteful?" and it drives me freaking crazy.
Hell, I even had a therapist say to me (one day I was feeling really bad and wasn't opening up as much): "Well, I'm not your father so you should stop acting like that". It's hard to believe the world isn't against you when you're suffering and people tell you "You should be okay with it."
This is absolutely horrific! In NO way should people be saying this to you and I am so so sorry.
I hear the same things, but I was "only" mentally abused so people don't really understand (I didn't either until a few years ago). I simply can not belive that someone would say that to a person who was BEATEN as a child!! Wtf is wrong with people, I am shocked!
Jesus ☹❤ I hope you got a better therapist. And beating a kid is never okay. I'm glad that you are standing up for yourself.
@@sarafrolander2266 I'm Sorry to hear you went through something similar, mental, emotional or physical, abuse is abuse and no one should tell you that it's okay because they had "good intentions", my heart goes to you too and I hope you found the help you needed ♥️
@@thes0mething Thank you ❤️ It's always reassuring to hear when someone agrees it wasn't okay, and it still isn't. I did find the right help eventually, so I'm doing much better 😊
@@SvaeJat Fantastic to hear! ❤
I once told a therapist about my manipulative mother who was a chronic liar...and when I told her one of the many stories my mom had created, the therapist responded with "Are you sure she was lying? People don't usually lie about that." Yes we were sure it was a lie, yes I told her as such, no she continued to question me and 'take my moms side'. It was awful, made it hard to trust future help.
Ooooh! I got one!
A variation of “get over it,” I was telling someone about a person who was a trigger for me and they said “it’s in the past and that’s where it should stay.” Yeah, the events of the trauma happened 15+ years ago, but the effect is ongoing there, Susan (not her real name)
Susan needs to get over that mentality, quick 😭😂
a trauma is a trauma precisely because we can't let go of it
thank you thank you thank you.
When I was 1, I experienced trauma due to a near-death experience. I had this gigantic seizure that threw off my breathing, and everything just sort of shut down. I don't remember ANY of this, but my parents told me I stopped breathing for about five minutes. I was already--thankfully--sick and in hospital at this point, so, when mom heard my breathing cut off, my dad went to the door of my room and just started yelling for help. They "code blue"'d me, and code blue in hospital is "someone has stopped breathing, so we need a CPR team", and so forth. I wake up in the freaking ICU with a tube down my throat, NO conception of where I was, or how I'd gotten there. It took me, probably, a good five minutes to realize I had the tube down my throat. I actually was clinically dead for a bit. TOTALLY disoriented, as you can imagine. So, later, when I got better and went home, I was so confused over why I felt so unhappy. Usually, my coming home from hospital--I've had WAY too much experience with this--is a very happy, comforting affair for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is to sleep in your own bed again and eat real food gain, and just get back to normal. But that time around, I couldn't feel happy about any of it, and I had no idea why. Mom told me that maybe I'd had too much happen, and she got me into therapy. It took a fir few months, and I missed the entire first term of school that year while I was getting better. Eventually, though, I don't know how many people reading this have depression, but if you do, have you ever experienced that moment of just...NOTICING stuff again? Like, I remember, I was in my room, door shut, just listening to music, and I looked out my window and just went, "Oh The sun is out." And it was just this simple, happy little thing that made me feel nice. That was not the end of the depression, but it was the beginning of the end. I began to wake up to the fact that there was a world around me again. Gods, though, HAVING depression feels so isolating, you know? You're caught up in your own head, and you can't HELP it Hell, you don't even NOTICE it. That's how it worked with me, at least.
It's not only therapists that say this, but also specialized doctors in other fields. Be careful, everyone. Be your own medic as well, but don't self-diagnose as a clinician would. 💚
Two things I can never stand:
One: “It could always be worse” it makes me feel invalidated, like a cut on your finger still stings. It’s not not painful because you didn’t get stabbed. I know the saying is supposed to be positive, but it makes me feel like I can’t let something out because it’s not the worst thing to happen.
Two: “Only soldiers get PTSD” or something like that. I’m a survivor/victim of SA, and there are times where I’m afraid to leave my house. I also got hit by a car and I feel afraid crossing the street. Watching these videos (and cinematherapy) really helps me feel like I can feel something.
When he said a friendship breakup can be traumatic, i felt seen for the first time.
I always felt stupid whenever i thought about whether my friendship with said person could be really that damaging. It just didnt seem like friendships could mean that much that i could get that hurt over it? With relationships, maybe. But not friendships. Yet i knew it could be possible. I've had other close friends tell me it can be, but i could never feel...like it could.
So when he said friendships can be traumatic, i just felt like a load was taken off.
Whenever I get emotional, I say I'm sorry, and my husband always tells me, don't apologize for having emotions, you don't have to be strong for me, let me be strong and there for you. He is so much of a literal Godsend.
Something disturbing my father said to me, when I was a little kid of 6/7 just about, he said: "You must be a strong person, crying is for women men shouldn't cry." So when I grew older, I understood this way I am only containing garbage inside, and don't allow it to go out, contain until the tank is too full. And I understood why he said that, because of his background story, he had to grow up without someone to really loved him, he had to survive. Some harsh story he has, not going to get into it right now, but I understand that he said what he said, from a place of wanting to give me power. And I have my own very harsh story, I had to survive as well from my own reasons. To this day, when I am sad I don't cry, I am not showing what I feel. However if a tear comes out, I don't stop it anymore. I just wanted to share this.
When doing the assessment, I struggled with the PTSD section because people have invalidated my workplace bullying experience..the Olympics of trauma was what I think I was doing. I never served in the military, police, ER, never witnessed a shooting , etc.
I used to belong to a PTSD online support group. One of the big rules was this is not a competition. There was no 'well my trauma was worse than yours, so my PTSD is more valid' kind of thing allowed. Your trauma is your trauma, period. And finding people who support your healing and don't try to invalidate it by saying your trauma wasn't bad enough is so important. Your trauma is valid and as in need of healing as anyone else. I wish you luck in your healing.
My therapist has told me point-blank that my c-ptsd is Real and Valid (even if I probably won’t “diagnose” for it ‘cause the current criteria here in the US is “experiencing a life-threatening situation or prolonged life-threatening situation” ) which…quite frankly? I needed the reminder. Trying to tell myself to “just get past it” (even without my family saying that to me repeatedly) was NOT (and is not) helping me recover and heal.
My experience with being kept in pretty intense social/emotional bullying (verbal and isolation, tho it escalated to physical and off-campus a few times, especially by the end) for the better part of 13 years WAS traumatic. ALL of us in that hellhole didn’t come out without also having some degree of anxiety and depression…and yes even PTSD. And I wouldn’t invalidate someone else’s experiences that was able to “get out sooner”. It’s time I stopped feeding the shame dropped on me by my family for not being “resilient enough/as resilient as they were with their Much WORSE traumas”. I was still isolated, and forced to stay in it, with very little Outside Socialization/support in other environments. (And okay. So maybe the school never “physically” endangered me. But experiencing that as a child put me in a Really BAD headspace so that they really didn’t have to. But. Why should physical endangerment be a “deciding factor” AT ALL.)
ARLENE HOHNEKER you could have C-PTSD, which is a prolonged version more descriptive of our daily experiences. The responses are the same with "garden variety" trauma though, as Jonathan said
Same here. I'm been repeatedly bullied in 2 of my past jobs and it's destroyed my already fragile self esteem and sense of safety. I'm literally scared of workplaces. And it's so difficult because people think it's not valid because "you could have just left" or they don't think workplace bullying is a valid reason to feel traumatized.
Great video, as always!
I’m estranged from my family because they are the type of people you mentioned - who intentionally inflicted horrific trauma. What’s so hard is the people who push me to reconcile with my family. I run across them a lot, especially at church, and I never know what to say.
As an idea for a video, I had a therapist who blamed me for my bad relationship with my mother. I moved hundreds of miles to get safe from my family. This therapist called while I was on the road moving and homeless and berated me saying “These problems are all coming from you, and so they will always be with you no matter where you go. You need to come back.”
By the grace of God I found a safe place to settle down and have gathered a great team of professionals. I was diagnosed with DID, and treatment is going well. But I wasn’t diagnosed before I got to safety.
I know that therapist was wrong, and I suspect my mother called her (as she does all my therapists and professionals - because my mom is a psychopath). Nevertheless, I will never forget what that therapist said.
I was once told even a simple falling from a bicycle (no serious injury) can cause a trauma, it's not whether it's objectivly seen as traumatic but how we as individuals see or feel it
Therapist: "You just need to get over it!"
Patient: ".... That's literally why I'm here?"
Anyway, "getting over it" of course is the result you want, but there's a process to get there. Telling someone to "just get over it" is like saying "wave your magic wand and get to the result you want" without offering them anything helpful about HOW to actually do that. If someone hasn't "gotten over it" yet, 99 times out of 100 it's not because they don't want to - it's because the don't know how to begin that process, so telling them over and over again to do something they don't know how to do is NOT helpful.
Thank you for this video! I identified so much with what Alicia was saying about . I didn't have a parent that would raise their voice, but rather had a parent that was too critical of mistakes. It was unintentional, and it wasn't extreme (it wasn't like abusive where everything you did was wrong, just like if you put something away in the wrong place), but I am a sensitive little bean and grew up unconsciously trying to be perfect to avoid the criticism. Now I'm trying to rewire my brain because that is not serving me anymore.
What has been really helping me (still working on this as we speak!) is writing an affirmation that is the total opposite of what the hurt part of me is trying to protect against, then repeat it often and use it in small seemingly inconsequential moments (spilled coffee? Happens to the best of us! Everyone's human!). Slowly and surely it starts becoming more natural to jump to the affirmation instead of the mean gremlins, so that when the 'bigger' things happen (accidentally forgetting to set an alarm and missing an important work meeting, for example), that it's a bit easier to remember the affirmation- instead of just spiraling into self criticism.
That's been one of my biggest therapy takeaways - just because you know something is not serving you doesn't mean it magically goes away (so give yourself grace!), and by starting small in the moments you think you don't need the behavior change, it helps build up the practice so you're more able to use it when you need it most.
"sensitive little bean"💖💖
What would be some solutions for the “can’t speak up for myself” thing? Also, something a therapist friend has said: “I know they abused you. You have to be grateful for the experience, with forgiveness and unconditional love for them.”
A couple days after the experience. Is it abusive to tell people to forgive way before they’re ready?
I would definitely think so.
Yes, because it is invalidating your experience and feelings.
sounds like bad advice, go with someone else
Grateful for the experience? Wow... that is an awful therapist...
You also don’t own anyone forgiveness. Only give it if you want it. Its okay to also never give it. Some things cannot be fogiven.
The only person you forgive the very first is YOU. Forgive yourself for NOT forgiving them.
The Olympics of suffering... I feel that describes it so well. I always thought that because people have had it worse than me, that I didn't experience "real" trauma. My friend helped me see it in a different way, the way she sees it from the outside in, but without putting her words into my mouth, purely guiding me by asking what I remember, what I felt, and so on, and then it suddenly hit me one day how effed up it all was.
Wow I can identify with Alicia. I have a sensitive disposition and my father always raised his voice and he would spank me even into my late teens. I grew up with feelings of inadequacy because I was never good enough..always making me feel bad about not getting math, though when it comes to crossword puzzles I am the go to person. I struggle to make it on my own and on my own terms. I think my father saw me a financial liability. Some boomer generation households had this women should be be seen and not heard mentality. I think that may be partly why Gen X girls growing up not learning to speak up for ourselves.i went through most of my youth never knowing I can take initiative
I'm starting to hit a point with my current therapist that I feel like I need to find a new one. She doesn't tell me to just get over it, but tells me I "need to find a way to move past" years of emotional abuse. Like....yeah no shit but I don't know how to do that, you think I haven't tried? 😂
Similarly, one of my past counselors told me I "sounded very selfish" when I tried talking to her about how lonely I was feeling because it felt like no one around me cared about me at all. It was something I already believed about myself (because of the same trauma that led me to feel uncared for by virtually anyone, regardless of whether they actually did or not, in the first place), and because a person of authority, a person who "knows better", confirmed it to be true, I basically turned myself into a villain in my own head, and I became even harder on myself after that. A part of me did know that it wasn't a great thing for her to say, but it was extremely difficult to sift out as a useless comment made by someone who wasn't even trying to understand what the real problem was. (Which, she definitely never even tried to figure out how to help me. That was the comment that stung the most, but it wasn't the only weirdly judgemental thing she said to me. Not a great look for a counselor or therapist to be so openly judgey of their clients).
I'm nothing but grateful that my current therapist has been showing me that so many of these feelings stem from wounds and trauma that need love and patience on my own part in order to heal. I'm not "selfish", I'm a person with wounds that hadn't been given a chance to heal, and I'm the only one who can make sure those wounds aren't continuously getting poked at and infected. And the only way to do that is self-love.
The "We don't love ourselves because we don't feel worthy of love" hit me very hard. That's exactly how I feel about myself. I am generally a very uncaring person, I have a very limited amount of love to give, so why would I give it to someone who doesn't deserve it. Even more, why would I give it to someone who has ruined my life, because ultimately the one responsible for that is me.
I think if I had a suggestion, it would be that a video on some methods on fostering self-love might be useful. Jonathan's right: I think a lot of us get squicked-out about self-love precisely because there's been certain less-than-flattering connotations with it. The champion of methods for me would be loving-kindness meditation--if only because it encourages you to love others along with yourself. If you can find a way to frame yourself as the vulnerable and worthy of love being you are, it feels a little less cheap. But that's my experience, and I still do struggle. YMMV.
"Because if they see me they're not going to like me."
This line finally made me realize why I act in this way. Childhood and schoolyard bullying. So I hid from my family even when it wasnt warranted because if they see me they will bully me. So now I live my life trying to skate under the radar and not attract any attention so that I can do my weirdness in private and not feel the judgment. And even now in adulthood when Im trying to undo that behavior, people are still bullies and it takes me back to that bad place as a child. It hurts esp. for (supposed) romantic relationships
I guess it depends on the trauma, but personally I could not start to heal until I lost hope. Specifically the hope that my parents would change. I spend all of my childhood trying to change my self and everything I did, trying to tell them how they hurt me, trying to get them to talk to eachother after their screaming drunk arguments... Nothing worked, it only made it worse.
Some people will never understand and think I am horrible and sinical for going no contact and saying that they will never change. Truth is I have to protect myself and my children. Now that they are no longer in my life I can start to breath in a way that I didn't even know was possible. I no longer find myself on the floor gasping for air. In addition, I was previously dealing with some physical pain and fatique that was so bad that I was suspected of being narcoleptic. It has now magically gone away. I have much more energy now than I have ever had in my life even though I have a baby and a two year old.
It hurts sometimes that people will minimizemy experience because I wasn't fysically abused, but I sometimes wished I was. The confusion of the psycological abuse is something I can not describe to someone that has not gone through it. I really didn't figure it out properly until a few years ago when I was around 27.
I'm glad you got out. My mom had a similar revelation about her mom, but . . . much, much later in life. She's doing a lot better now, but I'm sorry to say a lot of my childhood and young adulthood was dominated by that dynamic between them.
Stay safe.
Worst mental health advice? In the form of screaming, "STOP CRYING!" You know, because screaming angrily is going to make me cry less. I was a crier a a kid, and I always saw it as a form of weakness. Not anymore, now that I know the science. Tears release massive amounts of bad hormones from our bodies. It's like a mental bath.
I cry easily and have always done so, but it was basically not allowed in my household growing up. I was always made fun of or yelled at when I cried. Worst was when my dad said that crying was manipulation and called it mental abuse (that I apperently was exercising agenst him).
@@sarafrolander2266 I had the same thing with my mum :( I'm just a huge crier.
Can we have a video for on how responses may differ for people who were born into trauma vs not. Also those who were born into trauma and then later go on to encounter more trauma.
Also multigenerational trauma. How your parents’ trauma and anxieties/triggers can get passed down onto you
Maybe even like epigenetics man. My partner's mother was abusing drugs while pregnant and it definitely must have an impact
The conversation about love and meritocracies reminded me of something I tell my cats. "You're a good baby. I love you. I don't love you because you're good though. I love you because you're my baby." Sometimes they slow blink at me in response. Sometimes they attack the furniture.
I'm gonna drop this here.
So, I was sexually assaulted as a kid (7) and to make a point about why I have issues with medical examinations I told my terapist about this episode in my life. The moment I stopped talking he asked 'did you try to make him stop?' and I kid you not I was speechless, I felt utterly offended. As a kid living with a lot of adults I was always trying to adapt to everything that was happening to me, I was praised for being calm and for not talk much. In that situation I didnt even know what was happening, I didnt have 'the talk' with my mom yet (the talk never happened btw) so back at his question, I wondered why he did asked me that, he didnt have much context and to me it looked like he was insinuating that it was 'consented' since I didnt try to stop the act.
He's not my therapist anymore.
This is horrific!
One of my therapists once told me, "You'll either get over it, or you and your partner will break up." And moved on to a new topic, as if that was acceptable therapy.
What I really hated most of my life was hearing 'He was a great guy' - It has been years ago, but this was most of my childhood & teen years - He's dead now, but I still hear it from unknowing family members -I've had years of therapy, but I really don't think it's done much good -I think the best I can do is stay away from those family members & hopefully soon I can move away & start over
I guess I can relate - the way I see it is, he might've been a great guy *to them* but he wasn't to me. If we are willing to acknowledge the good parts why should we bury the bad parts of that person. Simply put, you can't tell people what their experience of someone is even if they are amazing to you!
I can relate very much with Alicia. First of all: I'm sorry you had to live through this. It guess I'm quite sensitive too. In my family, there was lots of anger from both my parent's sides. And my mother has BPD. So I was constantly walking on eggshells, and what I discover more and more through the (years of) therapy is just how unsafe it was to "unpractical". I just had to function, and most of all, emotions were not safe. Mostly the bad ones, but at times even the positives. This is something I struggle with a lot. I still question their right to be and even the emotions as such. I don't know if I feel, what I feel, what I would "have to" would, what I am "allowed to" feel most of the times. So it is best not to feel at all. Because getting upset, getting angry allways made things worse. Allways... And I 100% can't speak up for myself, especially not with my family members. So over time I got used to take all kinds of sh*, silently, not complaining, not showing any emotion, and believing to deserve it all... Oddly enough, I am very good at observing other people though, at scanning their emotional states and considering their situation. I guess that was a skill that helped me with my mother and her volatile temper. For me it's rather that I will get blamed, ridiculed, not being taken seriously anyway if I would speak my opinion.
I recently read "the body keeps the score" from Bessel van der Kolk. It was hard,and fitting, and mind-opening. I feel like many people watching this video and realting might profit from doing so as well.
I'm going to give EMDR therapy a chance end of this month. I'm curious and scared at the sametime, but I'm so stuck I tell myself it can hardly get worse.
The unconditional love is a hard topic. I honestly question if I ever got it. And feel like I don't deserve it. But at the same time I love tha idea, I think it should exist. And because I cannot ask for sth. I am not ready to give in return, I really want to give that unconditional love. Especially to my mother, who turned into "the black sheep" of her generation in the family. I'm pretty much the last one she can turn to, and rely on. And at the same time that's "bad" for me at least. My dad (parents had an ugly divorce where neither side acted all too well) constantly tells me to "cut all the ties" with her, magically thinking that would cure all my issues (which it would definitely not), and then blaming me that "I just don't want to listen to him"... At the same time, I apply that "unconditional love rule" to him as well, because there were years without any contact and it was me who reached out to him again, for a new start (with again other family members telling me then, and now partly, to dump him). It's simply exhausting. (and sorry for ranting so much)
And about the video's starting point, it's hard to believe a thereapist would say such a thing. My family members constantly did (standard phrase: "why do you have to restart with old trifles?" and of course the "just get over it!"), but a therapist? Really unprofessional.
I really liked the clarification that anything that triggers the fight/flight/freeze response counts as trauma.
I went to a GP in Australia and talked about my depression because my medical condition made any sort of work next to impossible and I was kind of floundering trying to work out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Her solution? Get a job! Um, I just told you exactly why that's so hard. It was like she couldn't get her head around that their might be other ways to find purpose, meaning, inspiration and enjoyment out of life. Luckily she just inspired me to go out there and find them.
I had one pretty much say "you're grieving, it's normal, I don't need to see you again" after a friend died (attempted to kill herself in the place I work - when I was working - and subsequently died from her attempt). This did not help at all, saw a different therapist which was a much better fit for me and we worked on what I was grieving about and the other things feeding into this.
And yes, so identified with what Alicia was talking about, it was a big deal for me to even speak up and ask for help.
My doctor ordered me to not have contact with my family. It was a condition of her continuing to treat me. I listened to my doctor. She had her license removed by the provincial body a few years ago (the doctor had hired a patient for after surgery care and then refused to pay compensation and was abusive). When I confronted her by phone she responded by leaving a message telling me what a horrible person I am. Ten years of my life. Gone.
- Cathy (&, accidently, Steve), Ottawa/Bytown/Pimisi
Thank you, this was beautifully created. And sorry for my fieriest of comments. I apologise if I was ever one of those mentioned in the Will Smith video. Learning that trauma responses also change especially if badly encouraged. Many therapists encouraged me towards anger cos of a SA filled childhood (towards the trauma olympics). Now the unlearning of that is taking even longer. I'll never forget the therapist who said "if you are ever assaulted again make sure you attack him honey"
Wow! No wonder a lot of people are cynical about therapy! I've been blessed to have enough experience with great therapy to speak up when a comment falls wrong (because therapists are human, too 😉 ). If they're good, they'll recognize the disconnect and focus on us understanding each other. If they double down on the misread, I straight out say, "Thank you for your time. Unfortunately, we're not a good fit." Then, I ask friends for recommendations and try again.
Thank you for this video!! My father was very angry and I has a similar response as Alicia to anger for years afterwards. I'm grateful to have a therapist that did not downplay my traumatic experiences.
First of all, thank you for these videos! I love your insights and how you explain everything.
One thing I've wanted to share is: "You being asexual might be the reason why you have a bad relationship with you father. Because, you know, attraction is palpable, so the lack of attraction might be off-putting to him." That's what a therapist said to me when I wanted to try and get to a place where I can accept how the relationship with my father went down and maybe better understand it all...
what tf is that... sounds way too Freudian for contemporary therapy
What?! How in the world did they blame a bad relationship w your father on you being asexual? I'm so sorry that happened to you.
@@ashleyiz2008 He was basically saying that he might be able to "sense" my lack of attraction to people and thus subconsciously distance himself from me. In that moment, I had been too stunned to speak, but if anyone ever says that again, I'm now prepared with a good range of comebacks 😅
But yeah, that experience (along with life in general just currently not quite allowing me to stay in one place for an extended period of time) certainly has an effect on how ready I am to look for help again. I will, eventually. But I can't really right now
Other things I’ve heard are “try not to think about it”, “look on the bright side”, etc. I was just thinking if I could do that I wouldn’t be here but thanks that was so so so helpful!
Some therapists just shouldn't be therapists. Was working through an ongoing, coercive SA situation. My therapist told me that since I gave in and did it "willingly" it wasn't SA. Took me a long time before I realized the "gave in" part was the the important part, not the "willing" part.
How do you heal an ingrained sense of worth based on achievement, after years of only feeling loving, warm responses based on extraordinary accomplishment? For me, stating that I have innate worth is kind of like saying "just get over it"; it doesn't plug up that hole, that void where unconditional love should have been deposited during my formative experiences but, due to ignorance, not malice, simply wasn't. Any love I feel for myself, any hope for my future is conditional, based on a specific type of accomplishment that was overvalued and even deified in my family. I'd love to know what you think can be done in a case like mine. Thank you for reading and for broaching the topic of unconditional vs meritocratic love.
The sudden "Oh" when I realized some things about how I grew up
I did know that if someone had worse faith then me it never meant I couldn't talk about my frustrations and pains. But I always was dismissing the thought that I had experienced trauma and I AM having trauma responses.
Well u get to know something new 'bout yourself everyday, isn't it so huh? ugh...
Going along a similar theme, something I would love if you would talk about, I have a moderate to severe panic disorder. It acts up in cycles, so some years I’ll be completely fine, like it’s in remission, and other years I can barely leave the house because the panic attacks are so frequent and so intense. My in-laws have told me that I should just try to calm down and relax. Thanks guys, I never thought of that! I’ll just go ahead and fix it that way! They mean well, but they’re not always empathetic people.
I'm sorry you experienced that. People who don't understand or haven't experienced anxiety, panic, or depression can be really thoughtless and hurtful when they say things like "just relax" or "stop worrying." I've had people (doctors) tell me that regarding my anxiety.
Thing a grief counsellor said to me about my father was never there for me, who walked out of my life, after he passed away.passed. " You just need to respect his decision. You're never going to get closure."
thanks for making these vids! 💙
for me im just now looking into the whole trauma topic because of a breakup i had a year ago, for which my thoughts always were either "why havent u gotten over it by now, wtf" or "dont gotta be overdramatic, that most def isn't a trauma", bc this word always had such a heavy meaning for me, like something really bad must happen to even have that. but since ive started watching your videos about it, ive started trying out these steps and kind of figuring out self-love, i guess :) so, thanks again, and also, much love to everyone who's going through tough times right now 💙
That stinks that people told you your experience wasn't a trauma. In my case, I lost all appetite, which I consider fairly concrete evidence that the breakup had a significant effect on my well-being. I was still able to function well enough to schedule meals, but I had to work hard to fill my days and nights with wholesome activities and people until I healed enough to enjoy food again.
Part of why I was so upset is that I was convinced that there was nobody out there who could be as good of a fit for me, always having been outside the norm. It also meant an upheaval in my residence, my finances, my circle of friends, potentially in my career... I had to decide how to rebuild my life alone and figure out what would be feasible, without the partner I had gotten used to turning to for advice.
The relationship itself involved other trauma, but the breakup was traumatic in its own right. I sympathize for couples who have a court battle and custody/coparenting to deal with on top of all that.
The Olympics of suffering. My goodness are you correct. I had PTSD for so long, but I didn't know until an epically huge trauma occurred. Then I could suddenly see all of them.
I was having difficulty getting over a breakup and my therapist's advice was to block him. I told her, "You're telling me to go from here to here. I'm not ready for that yet." And she was insistent and basically said that was the only way for me to feel better. She probably wasn't wrong but I felt completely invalidated. We had a MOO the following week haha. I am now with 2 new therapists who actually sit in my pain with me and I feel so great now. I'm wondering if I just had better help to begin with I would've gotten through the breakup sooner.
A therapist once said to me that he would be depressed too if he was going through what i was. Then didn’t offer any further advice or help.
(I had a chronic health condition that stopped my PhD briefly).
I didn’t see him again and got a new therapist who was MUCH more helpful.
I kinda feel like I could write a book about what sh*t therapist said to me. One of the newest stuff is, after 10 years not being able to cure my anxiety the new therapist I went to told me, "I just have to push the anxiety down". Like wtf, thanks for your great advice. Once at a different therapist I started to cry and she asked me: "Are you sad?" And that's just a top of the iceberg, I've never found someone that would actually listen and not tell me crap that is commonly known by everybody.
My mother abused me emotionally growing up. Whenever i told people my experiences, they’d tell me “well she had a lot on her plate”, “people make mistakes, they aren’t perfect”, “she was also raised this way, it’s not her fault”. It made me feel like a burden, like my trauma doesn’t matter. The way she abused me has affected my daily life, how I react when someone raises her voice at me, when people get heatedly angry at me, when adults are dissapointed in me.
Growing up, I didn’t want to hear people trying to “make me understand my mom”, because I already knew that she did love me, that she had bad coping mechanisms and took it out on other people, that she wasn’t raised to share her feelings or have healthy coping. I didn’t need to hear that, because I already understood that. I wanted someone, especially an adult, to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t a burden. That she shouldn’t have treated me like that. That I didn’t deserve it.
I have "garden variety" C-PTSD as well, from family dynamics and being neurodivergent. highly recommend a book "The Body Keeps the Score" if you want to understand trauma responses more
After being fired twice, homelessness, getting kicked out of other peoples' houses, losing lots of relationships, and the pandemic, I'm exhausted. I just feel ripped to shreds. I can't take any more blows.
I myself struggle with speaking up for myself. It’s complicated for me because a family member of mine says mean things to me sometimes and when I speak up for myself, I’m the problem or I’m being disrespectful. But at the same time they want me to learn to speak up for myself to the outside world. How can I speak up at the outside world if I can’t even speak up in my own home?
My problem is blaming myself for being who I am. The work of loving myself has made it a lot easier to do the work I need to. I would advise people who were struggling to find 'the relationship' to list all the things they want from the relationship, then start giving that to themselves.
Growing up with ADHD (and later diagnosed with ASD), I would have to explain certain things to my dad, and his response was "don't make it an excuse." Thankfully, that's no longer something he says, and he has a better understanding of the struggles that I deal with so he's more likely to ask me where my head is at instead. Which is FAR more helpful for both him and my.
One doozy from a past therapist: "Maybe you shouldn't have slept w him" when I was describing my anxiety and fear about my past relationship w my manipulative and emotionally abusive ex (who I still interacted w regularly because of work). Needless to say it was my last session w that therapist.
We've been told this, not by therapists necessarily, but by people in our church, when my husband (we'll call him Tom) and I initially got together and the church leadership tried to separate us. We were in our late twenties, independent, never married...just in love and ready to commit to each other. I had very recently broken up with my long-time boyfriend (we'll call him George), who I'd spent several years coming to terms with the reality that George was verbally abusive and extremely controlling. He controlled every calorie I consumed, every move I made, and every person I saw in my day. I was underweight, randomly passing out, getting sick all the time, and exhausted, and it was only then I realized how bad things had gotten. I was a husk of a person. When the church leadership caught wind that I had broken up with George and taken up with Tom, they lost their minds. Tom and George were on the worship team together, and they told Tom that if he kept on seeing me, he wasn't welcome to play with them anymore. Tom's dad was on the Elder Board, and they told him if he supported us, he wasn't welcome there either. They didn't try to punish me, but they did tell me I should "love George and try to not date anyone for at least six months," and that Tom and I being together was making the congregation uncomfortable. We were literally holding hands in church - nothing crazy. The overstepping in this was nuts. We left on our own, they didn't physically push us out, but they did their level best to let us know we weren't welcome if we showed up together. It's been six years, and neither Tom, nor I, nor his mom, nor his dad are church-goers anymore. Tom and I are no longer Christians.
When we see the friends we made at that church, they often tell us how much better everything is now, as though that would tempt us back. They tell us George is so much healthier than he was before, that we wouldn't recognize him, as though him getting better would have any effect on the six years of struggle I had with him, let alone that his true nature was always concealed from them - they have no idea how terrible it really was, so how could they gauge whether he is better or not? They tell us how great everyone is there, and look at us with pity in their eyes, as though we could get past the incredible hurt they caused us, and somehow trust them again. They invite George, Tom, and I to parties, without telling us George will be there, in hopes we will make up with him. It's really heart-breakingly, maddeningly terrible. There isn't a lot of support for religious abuse here, and it's been an isolating road, but I am so happy to be married to Tom. I just wish people could find it in their hearts to be happy for us, and accept that there is nothing wrong with us for a. simply loving each other, and b. wanting absolutely no contact with George.
Anyway, sorry for the diatribe. Getting over things is complicated. Tom and I have been to therapy for years, trying to find a way to live full lives in a small community with that in our past, and I don't know that we'll ever truly be "over it."
My former therapist asked me several times "Where does that come from?", "Why do you keep going back to the victim story?" She also said "You need to stop blaming others."
This is the first time trauma has been explained to me in an understandable manner. It helps, and being affirmed that a person's actions are their choice.
Worst thing a therapist said to me, "I don't think you're lying, but maybe you just don't remember." This was after saying that he thought I'd done a specific terrible thing. That seriously messed me up for a long time. To the point that I didn't trust my perception of reality or reasoning processes. I eventually came to a few conclusions that helped. I'll list them as they may be applicable to other situations.
1. While all of us have flaws in our perception and reasoning, mine's all I've got. If it's sound, then I can't go through life doubting everything. On the other hand, if it really is that damaged, then it's someone else's responsibility to deal with that.
2. The accusation was entirely outside of what I believe I could ever do.
3. I would remember that.
4. Other people would remember that.
5. Even if everyone allegedly involved, including me, somehow repressed their memories there would be some kind of evidence.
😔 ohh god! the comments! bad therapists can be really dangerous to people who are in need 😰
Yes, everything I've just read in this comment section has been mind-blowingly awful.
This is a huge thing in my own family of origin (where I'm one of twelve children), as well as in our religious culture. People are pressured into forgiving and forgetting, which causes suppression of feelings, enabling further controlling abuse and trauma. Whenever the recipient of pain, control and abuse speaks up about it, everyone else, particularly in their own family either suddenly becomes quiet, because they don't know what to do, don't want more drama in the family, and don't want to get involved, or if others do speak up, it's to tell the victim that they should be more Christ-like and forgiving, instead of being so judgmental, frustrated and angry. This prevents victims from getting the validation, protection, and help that they need, and causes everyone else to get the idea that the controlling dominion and abuse are not that big of a deal, and to just get used to it.
Thanks for this video. It took me many years to learn that my adverse childhood experiences created trauma responses in my social life. I thought just because I wasn't a drug addict or divorced several times that I didn't have trauma. I had a lot of trauma and on a few occasions cried out for help only to be gas-lit out of it. Recognizing it is very hard, but it's the beginning of healing. Keep up the good work!
I'm still unlearning some of my coping mechanisms from my abusive marriage. They kept me safe, so I'm grateful, but they no longer serve me in my current life.
Well I think that spiritual aspect is often underrated in that king of issues. As a catholic I always have somebody who loves me unconditionally no matter what. He loves me so much that he would (and did) die for me. That brings me and I think a lot of people to a safe place of being loved and accepted
A therapist in ER literally tell me three days ago "You're not a child anymore so you have to move on"
I love how you two interact. You can truly tell you are listening to understand not to respond. Wonderful example of having a conversation with different opinions at times but talking about it healthily.
I wanted to say something thoughtful, but I got near the end and all I got is, “Whoa”
Last thing my therapist said to me was "I don't think it was abuse" and actively encouraged me to keep toxic people in my life.
I no longer have a therapist and been doing better watching a plethora of therapists on RUclips.
I had a similar experience. I think it’s a must to go to therapists who specialize in trauma and abuse. Otherwise they can be so damaging.
I’ve never had a therapist, but fairly certain if we could ‘get over’ it, they’d be out of a job. Ridiculous. If only it were that easy.
I so totally understand what was said about not feeling loved, feeling wanted or worthy of love. I grew up in an abusive home and I felt like this for a long time. I don't any longer (thank you years of therapy). But that raw, sharp pain of feeling unloved and unwanted never completely goes away.
The therapists advice reminds me of that Bob Newhart sketch where a woman comes in for help getting over a paralyzing fear of being buried alive in a box.
The therapist repeatedly tells her to just stop it. And she keeps saying she can’t just stop it.
Eventually he tells to her to “stop it or I’ll bury you alive in a box”
Very funny. But definitely not advice you want from your actual therapist. It takes time and work to get past these things. Thanks for the video!
When I tried to tell my therapist about my traumas I was going through to have a breakdown about my traumas and my past. My therapist was so stoic, silent, and asked me, why do I like hurting myself? I was shocked because I was trying to break down all the pain and everything I went through that was out of my control and I was emotionally in turmoil from it all without knowing how to handle it. And I was asked by him why I liked hurting myself, when I had went through so much not knowing how to process it and I was internalizing it all blaming myself for everything. I felt so much shame and embarrassment thinking that maybe I was the problem when it was in fact not appropriate. My therapist later on stopped listening to me and then later on ghosted me. I was distraught the entire time because while I was trying to get help I was paying him to just sit there and do nothing while I was talking when all I wanted was to get better with the professional rather than to have been ghosted and victim shamed by my therapist while paying for no help and silence.
I needed this! Last year I found out a bunch of stuff about my relationship that I wasn't supposed to know about. Secrets, and things that had been happening for years and it hurt so so bad. It made me feel like everything I experienced was a lie for all of those years, and who I thought he was as a person.
We tried couples counseling and I did get the "Well you need to decide if you can get over it and move on or if you can't" from the therapist... But if I could get over it I wouldn't have sought out a couples counselor 😅
I thought I had processed most of it but as we get close to the date I found out this stuff (or even happy moments in time that now feel tainted) I've noticed myself not handling it well all over again as if it had just happened.
Something my mother said that shocked me.
"Well if you know I didn't say it maliciously, how can you just not be hurt by it?" I used a hammer and a nail as a metaphor to explain to her that she pounded a nail in my psyche. And I know that she didn't intend to hurt me, so I can pull out the nail. But the hole is still there. I can't just pretend it never existed. Its going to take time and effort to fill it back in and it can be close, but it still happened and it still wasn't ok.
I've had this said to me in a therapy session. Needless to say it was the last one I had with that therapist. It was really unhelpful and meant it took me a lot longer to deal with the issue.
I had lots of traumatic experiences growing up. A therapist once told me I cannot have CPTSD from those because I wasn't in a war or wasn't raped or anything like that. I knew that was rubbish. But it was still shocking to hear a professional say that. From what I understand it was mostly feeling helpless and alone with this and not being believed that fed a lot into the trauma.
I think it's kinda common not to try to get past it though. Or have the outlook that you can't. And that's not true. Maybe long, and maybe painful, but we gotta try!
Edit: If we don't try, we'd just be stuck there forever.
"Love your neighbor as yourself." One of the wisest things in the Bible, and it implies that it isn't truly possible to love your neighbor unless you first love yourself.
The one that I didn't like was when I was upset because I summed up the courage to ask my mom for help with my homework and she said no. The counselor suggested she was just busy at the time, so if I just think that, then its not so upsetting.
I needed this today. ❤ love that you give us ways to love ourselves and give ways to change our behavior/way of thinking while explaining it so well. thank you for your channels on here and free advice!
Still struggling calling it love, but I started to be a good friend to me and supportive and that helped a lot and shift my relationship with myself in a more healthy direction. Like having your inner voices repeat the judgemental, shaming, traumatic stuff over and over, but now you do it to yourself, was definitely not serving me.
Hypnosis is a great tool to uncover the pain caused by trauma. Only if you feel the pain that the trauma caused you can give the right amount of validation to it. I mean to the acceptance that you've been hurt and address this to make yourself see that it wasn't your fault. It turned my life around. My father se****** abused as a child and I thought so long: It wasn't that bad. But telling myself this caused so many s*** If been through in relationships. It was fucking bad and for the first time I was deeply angry and able to adress the guild to where it belonged and not against myself or a partner. Because its there and it will be triggered!
family minimizes trauma too. you life is better than so and so. you have you have that. or worse yet the compare my childhood to the persons childhood who the main source of my trauma. you guys hit the nail on the head for me. emotional trauma is hard to talk about and hard to stop. my parents said I could talk to them about anything.... yet when I would bring up that calling me names, belittling me, and teasing me hurt me they (mainly my father) would say get over it man up. I am extremely sensitive ive felt its a curse. I have to not feel because the world is to cruel. when I turn on my emotions (I make time for a night a feeling every month or so) its too overwhelming to keep them on. the joy and love is great I love feeling that especially as deeply as I can. but opposition in everything. just as intense as the love and joy are the pain, hurt, and betrayal are just as strong.
Lately I've heard "It's been (X amount of time), you should be over it by now.." 😳 gee thanks..
I was told during a first meeting "we can't help you because you are not mentally ill, you are depressed, and you are depressed because you have been through alot, and we'd be worried if you weren't depressed "😐
So I left knowing, yup,your life sucks, I guess at least I know that much is true. My first visit to a counseling session, the guy kept falling asleep, my mom never made another appointment.
The worst thing I was told by a therapist on my first meeting, was "it's all your parents fault." This was after he asked me if I knew what the definition of insanity was. This was all in about 20 minutes of me talking to him. Needless to say, I did not return to him.
I asked a therapist for coping strategies and she said, "that's not what I do."
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my then boyfriend caused me a couple panic attacks, one that ended in me sustaining an ankle injury that still hasn't fully healed (I'm 20 turning 21 in a few months and this was tenth grade when I was 16), and he actually hit me at one point and my therapist at the time genuinely blamed *me* and said that my abuse was *my* fault. Yea I don't see her anymore
Love you two ❤
Bad advice? “This too soon shall pass.” It did, but not what I needed to hear at the time.
Where can we submit things to this series cause recently a therapist wouldn't listen to my best friend explaining why they wanted an autism test cause they "Didn't look autistic".
When you two decide to write a book, I want it. So much of this speaks to me, and where I am with my partner ❤
I had a serious car accident a couple years ago where I got rear ended, and went to therapy for driving anxiety. I was also having a depressive period that I felt like a failure for my mom getting hurt in that accident, and not being able to work due to my injuries. The first therapist said "you just need to get back into driving", then focused on my neck and shoulder pains. He completely ignored my anxiety, even after I explained in the second session that I am already going to physiotherapy for physical pain. He just kept repeating that "you can drive again once your neck and shoulder is good".
I had to switch 2 more time to find a therapist that address my driving anxiety properly.
I have a hard time with self love because everytime I try I get told how horrible and selfish I am.
I was physically and emotionally abused for many years found out I was pregnant after I left him because he put me in the hospital. I than thought I found safe love in my high school sweetheart we had a son together and he hits me too. My mom was there and did nothing and still likes him and wants me to marry him. My whole family just pretends I'm fine and have no reason to be traumatized and in need of help. If I'm not fine I'm selfish or a horrible mom. Not allowed to leave my abusive ex or have a job or an outside life because that would be selfish of me. Not sure how to love myself when told my whole life that was wrong.
Just turned 30
"You're not crying! "
Never went back to that dips**t
A therapist once told a friend of mine to just run from her toxic family.
The first time I spoke to a marriage counsellor I told them something hurtful that my spouse had said to me. Their response was complete disbelief "They didn't say that." I felt as if no one was ever going to believe me after that.