How to Communicate Needs Without Staying Silent or Blowing Up |
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
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How to Communicate Needs Without Staying Silent or Blowing Up | #MarriedtoaTherapist //
Are you wanting to learn how to communicate needs without staying silent or blowing up? Wouldn't it feel great to feel like you had more than two modes when you're trying to express your needs? If you're riding the rollercoaster of keeping the peace to all out war, this video will show you how to stay steady in the middle. I will give you a plan that you can easily remember when it's time to have those tough conversations.
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00:00 How to communicate needs without staying silent or blowing up
00:47 Can conflict be healthy?
01:35 Three general ways to handle conflict
03:20 Notice when you are feeling stronger emotions
03:42 Stop and calm down
04:06 Identify the emotion
04:41 Practice
05:05 Express vulnerable feelings
05:58 Incredibles clip
10:00 Coping mechanisms
11:30 How to be kind and set boundaries
#communication #mendedlight #jonathandecker
• How to Communicate Nee...
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I’ve been trying hard to be an affirmer for a long time and I guess the hardest thing for me is to feel like my needs are adequate, that I have a right to want what I want, my journey to healthier relationship patterns comes from a bad place of a feeling that there’s totally something wrong with me because I’m so easily offended, only now I start being more compassionate to myself with all the traumas that made me so fragile.
The Incredibles! I love this movie. Always found the dynamics and emotions very life-like 😎
Oh... I need the safety talk. Having PTSD, it's difficult for me to recognize my arousal.
Would love to hear more about emotional safety in relationships! I'd like to know how important the tone and delivery of an issue is when it comes to conflict and the role anger plays in affecting emotional safety e.g. walking on eggshells and conflict avoidance as a result of anger from a partner.
This is my sister and me. I'm the avoider. My sister is 100% the attacker. Especially since my mom passed away
This video came at the exact time I needed it, thank you so much!
Exactly what I felt!
I'm so glad!
This requires someone that actually cares and will listen…
Great, my partner just started a conflict by trying to avoid it haha! I was feeling tired, fed up with they days annoyances and my partner asked me to play a game i have not much energy/interest in, but i thought i could just sit down and chill with it while he played his, but he starts telling me about all sorts of information my head just cant hold and when I'm tired my face is emotionless and my voice monotone, so i ask if i really need all the information to play and i just want to play and not plan so much, and somehow i offend or step on his toes, he closes the computer down, says "sorry for ruining your evening and stressing you out" and i try to tell him he haven't ruined anything and that its okay I'm just really tired and to much information is like overwhelming.
He kinda ignores it and just goes to the toilet, i think that if i continue playing maybe hell be interested and put down the sour face, but 30 min later he just comes in and says goodnight and heads to bed, at 21 o'clock, he never goes to bed early unless he is upset like this..
It annoys me extremely, I'm left to sit alone, feeling like a huge asshole for honestly just being myself, he knows i cant "hold the mask up" when I'm out of energy, i have a hard time putting on a happy face and i get annoyed easy, i was already stretching myself a little and then he just gets into the "its all my fault I'm the idiot" mode and i cannot get him out of that when I'm on zero energy..
I will work on being an affirmer instead. I have to shut up sometimes and not say anything before i can say it in a less annoyed way.
I think you could have told him right from the start, that you have low energy and can't process a lot of information right now and that he might please tell you, when you have the capacity to listen to him appropriately. Or better, take a little me time instead and set a boundary for yourself and to yourself for those around you. But he behaves like a toddler here (especially when you say he does that regularly) and really has to work on this, too. Would say both have solvable communication struggles. Hope you two can make it work.
I agree with Yazzie! I can understand your boyfriends perspective because I am quite sensitive too. As Alicia said in the video, our reactions are not just based on the moment at hand but from a life long experience. I think it’s clear he wanted to spend quality time and connect with you and felt really hurt when you seemed disinterested with “a monotone voice” and “seemingly emotionless behavior”. He is clearly affected when he feels rejected (and don’t we all!) You can definitely work on your responses like Yazzie said (she/he stated it perfectly!) By communicating the needs you have after a long day will make him feel like you see that he is trying to connect and there will be time for doing that. He will see that you need to relax and process a stressful day. You can also communicate to him how it makes you feel frustrated when he shuts down. There’s facts to both sides and just listen to each other and work together. Cheers!
@@lfd3680 Yesss, exactly this! Thanks for the addition, this rounds it up perfectly. Also helps to make me understand my own partners mind a bit better and that I'm on the right path (he's the more avoidant, I'm the more anxious part). So thank you for the input :) And thank you for the part about my choice of words ^^ means a lot, it's been a long way. (I also go by they ^^)
Hey Yazzie, Thanks for letting me know about your pronouns. Also you’re welcome for the input and I can totally relate to you. Glad it helped and thank you for your insight as well! Have a nice day🤓
Thank you both so much for the comments
This video came out only a day or two after a fight with my partner when I was desperate to try to figure out how to communicate my feelings in a way that could be understood. To figure out how I can better communicate with my partner both in and out of conflict. Me being neurodivergent makes it really difficult to put things into words, so no matter how well I understand it, expressing things to someone else can be... a painful process, if not downright impossible.
This video helped me so much, thank you! ♥
I'm definitely avoidant with most people. I had to be, in my household. Even my high school psychologist said that, from an early age, it seemed like I was forced into the roll of peacemaker/peacekeeper. But, my mom would also get angry if I showed any negative emotions, so I learned to fake being happy most of the time. And my siblings would get mad at me anytime I didn't want to do something they wanted to do (go somewhere, watch something, etc.). That hasn't changed; they even still resort to name-calling and guilt-tripping.
I was in a relationship where my partner could never meet me emotionally. He definitely chose not to develop those skills. Not only would he not meet me to affirm my feelings he retreated with his own so I couldn't affirm his. I suffered a lot of loss, illness, and loneliness within this relationship and was never allowed a safe space to lean on this person. I tried many times, but was always shut down. The relationship finally ended after I discovered he had spent over $10.3K on cam girls within a few months time. He is now in therapy (as am I) and wants to have relationship (in whatever capacity) again. How does someone get over their hurt of being rejected their emotional needs when their ex-partner is finally willing to try?
It is difficult is when the conflicts you have are with a person who was once an affirmer who turned into an attacker and refuses to do better.
Are they going through something right now that's caused the shift? Have they lost trust, or have they felt unsafe?
Safety! Past/current trauma can make it hard to create mental/emotional safety for yourself even when you are in a safe space.
How can one move into a safer mindset? And how can others help one do so?
Also, if the trauma is/was that severe, once safety is achieved, how can one ID their wants/needs/boundaries if they weren’t allowed?
Asides what’s been mentioned here, how can one create safety when one isn’t in a safe space, &/or relationship(s)?
I simply wanted to say thank you so much for this video! It came out right at a time when I need to draw my own boundaries with a friend of mine, but haven't known how to do so in a manner that's truly healthy! So, I've been avoiding the situation, not really sure what to do...until this video came along! Thanks again! I now know how to move forward in a manner that is truly healthy! Here's to hoping that he's willing to do the same!
I would just say, be real carefull being vulnerable with people that did not work (and don't want to work) on those skills. You can get traumatised if they are an attacker.
Especially if you yourself are a beginner affirmer.
Been there done that, it is not easy to come back from it.
(if you have tips, I'll take them coz no way in hell I'll put myself back there with no safety net and I have not seen my stepfather for 3 years because of this. If I do not have a safe plan to do so, I will never get back there, my mental health comes before family on this one)
Gosh yes, I came here to say this exact same thing. I worked hard to try and become an affirmer. Butting heads with Narcissists made me regret that choice, go back to being an attacker, and give zero fucks about these other people's feelings. As you said, our mental health comes first. I know I can be better than that, but I don't consider these people worthy of me making that effort.
Alicia, if you are reading this, I am eagerly waiting for the video on how to operate in these unsafe situations.
Hey! I've been following your channel a few months ago. First of all: Thank you. Some videos really helped me a lot.
The problem I am struggling the most are the panic attacks every time when my abusive parents are abusing me physically but also mentally.
I am 19 now and I' about to graduate in a few months.
Last time I was outside with some of my friends, we were eating at a restaurant and when I came home around 11pm, my dad screamed and hit me. After he left my room, I immediately closed the door and my panic attack came again. I couldn't breath, I was crying, shaking and felt anxiety.
Should I avoid my parents from now on to protect myself? Is this a healthy way? They both are very toxic, controlling and they will never be able to understand or communicate with me like many other parents do with their children.
My dream is to live a life without having contact to any of them. Is this a solution or should I handle the situation in an another way?
Thank you so much!
i would save money and get out! start healing. it gets better. you are valid.
Yes, when you are in that bad and toxic of a situation the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave. Either save up money and wait it keep saving up money while staying with a good family member of friends family. This video is talking about typical relationships where some needs aren’t getting met so your situation is way more extreme
Some of the best advice I've ever gotten: you need a safe place to sleep. If you don't feel safe at home, find a different place to sleep and start making a new home.
At 18-19, I get that is hard and scary. Given your situation, you likely don't have the support from your family to help you get started in the world. See if you can stay with a friend for a few days. Couch-surfing gets a lot of public shame, but if it keeps you safe it's valid. You are legally an adult in America, so you can leave at any time and you have no requirement to tell your parents where you are sleeping.
Safety first. Problem-solve your relationship with your parents after you have re-set safety as your norm.
There is no compromising with people that have physically hurt you, or are controlling without listening. Like the person above said, couch surfing is a valid option! Finding a part time job that can become a full time job is valuable as well. Another option is joining the military. I personally am enlisted and it’s hard, but certainly not as hard as going without a home. You will find your family there if you want. Or you can make your own way, these are just options I’ve seen work for people!
The other comments are all very correct. I would add though, if your parents are really controlling and won't even leave you alone if you were to try to leave:
First, make sure your most precious belongings (and documents) are out of reach from your parents and are in a safe place.
Second, if they harass you (try to control you when you are not under their roof) remember that, as others said, you are an adult. If necessary CALL THE POLICE. They will protect your right to independence and safety from your parents (as you are an adult, not under anyone's control). It's scary, but you and your life are very important, take your own safety very seriously. Your abusers might not respect you, but they CAN'T disrespect the law. Not without consequences.
Third, if you don't already, make sure you have or find a very good support system, people to rely on for not just couch surfing, but some emotional support, or even support in helping you make your own life, independent from your parents.
I wish you luck and a lot of healing in the future. The healing will never stop, but it's always worth it, and things will keep getting better as long as you take care of yourself, beyond what you can even imagine now.
I'm saving this video, I will need it again. I'm 20 years old, & have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I blow up after keeping my needs, wants & the problems inside then I feel the anger & blow up about everything all at once.
I am still surprised how much time and effort it takes to rewrite your patterns for behavior in conflicts. I think I have first read about conflict resolution skills like 10 years ago, and I have made progress since then, but gosh it is hard not to slide into the deeply learned fight reaction, especially if things get heated.
Is there any Mended Light information about how to figure out what my needs are? The bad metaphor I use is that I feel like I'm blindfolded at a mystery restaurant and I can only eat if I order the "right" thing; but I don't even know what the options are. Don't know if that makes sense at all...thanks for your time and for your hard work creating the trustworthy, reliable and relatable videos.
Always excited for a new video from my favorite channel 💅
This came at the right time! Thank you so much :)
great and so professional
Thank you so much for this amazing video🌞 Going to share with my fellow colleagues as sustainable conflict resolution strategies matter so much when working closely with people.
Well it was right there's always underlying emotion that i feel
Have they done a video on values yet
How do you deal with a person who never admits they are wrong. They don't get angry, they are just patronise and dismiss everything you say.
4:59 do we, though?! Maybe i've skipped some classes now and then, but i really don't recall ever learning about any of those "what it feels like". :-s
I wish for a video for us who haven't fund the one yet, even though we've tried all kinds of advises "don't look, you'll find him when you are not searching for him". That has never worked. I've loved myself, I've been myself when I started dated guys, but completely lose myself after we get physical. And... I've just never found my best friend who also get my pants on fire. I've never had a boyfriend. Really sucks to not get to have a sexual partner i feel safe with or a best friend. My only core values is that he should have some kind of faith (and be pro pride and abortion and not be judgemental with others and so on and so forth) because I do and really need to talk about that stuff. Someone that I can be myself around and that challange me to be a better version of myself. Never found one. And I only want one. How do I go on with that? Many times I've thouhgt it's something wrong with me, but I know that is not true. I love myself deeply, and have a clear life path and I know I'm a great catch. Please motivate me somehow that I can build strong relationships and a beautiful life even without that one that I really long for.
I've been very similar, and if not for my partner now, would definitely been in a similar situation. It's hard to find someone to really click with, it takes time to really get to know them, and by the time you know them you are already in too deep, or are completely disillusioned.
I definitely was still struggling when I met my partner, but it helped a LOT to lean on friends and family more. Talking about things more candidly when it came to the people I was seeing, listening to others when they say "red flag!" or even when they say that I might be the one putting out red flags.
A lot of the skills used in a relationship (communication mainly) are very applicable in trying to find the right person. Keep practicing on those skills and rely on your support system, it'll make it a little easier (or at least less painful/disheartening) to find the right person for you.
And I think the most important thing to me was realizing that I shouldn't have had such a low bar when it comes to my partner working on themselves. If someone isn't willing to better themselves, then they aren't likely to work to better communicate with you, and that is the biggest red flag there is (and sadly, in my experience, the most common one too).
I hope this helps at least a little, and I too hope Mended Light makes a video regarding this topic ♥
jennifer garner type bangs would probably look adorable on you
I was interested in the topic, but watching you from this angle is so uncomfortable...
I hope there are other videos where the camera perspective is level, its like youre talking down to the audience otherwise
Valid, I just listened to it and I think that helped a lot for me.
I agree, great topic, but for me it's the fact that she sounds like she is a reading a script that makes it uncomfortable.