I love the "What does her list look like" clap back. So many times on dating sites guys will complain about how women are superficial because they are getting rejected by women 10-20 years their junior. "Age is just a number" is a flawed argument unless they're also messaging women 10-20 years older than themselves.
If I’m too friendly men and women have misjudgment the signals. If I keep to myself, I’m then cold/distant . So I’ve learnt, you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you.
"We hold - women in particular - responsible for the thoughts of men." Oof! That hits. In my late teens and early twenties, the men who expressed interest in me were disproportionately terrible. Pushy, arrogant, entitled, condescending, and inclined to cross boundaries. I kept wondering, "What's wrong with me that I keep attracting these terrible men?" Then I realized I was Ace. Now everything makes sense. As an Ace person, I wasn't giving out the signals of wanting sex. So all the reasonable folks got the idea and let me be. The only people who would bother me would be the cis-het men who didn't give a damn about what I wanted. It was always their fault. Never mine. So now I know how to tell the terrible men to get lost or else with a confidence that I deserve to set my boundaries. My hope is that the millions of Ace and/or Aro folks around the world (some 1% - 5%) come to this realization. Sadly, on the Ace/Aro online platforms that I frequent, so many people have internalized the idea that their asexuality, aromaticness, and queerness means they are inherently outsiders and should just be happy with whatever they can. I know of Ace, Aro, and other queer folks who have been disowned by their families, are survivors of perpetual sexual abuse, are losing their marriages, and facing the fear that they will never find the companionship they need. But things are getting better for us. Videos like this remind us that other people's expectations and assumptions are not our fault. We don't have to burden ourselves with shame. We can learn to love ourselves. As always, thank you Mended Light!
I have to admit, as an aroace person I'm always worried that me simply being nice/friendly to someone will be perceived as "flirting" or taking interest in them romantically because I've heard a lot of stories about this happening and it kind of happened to me once. I know it's not really under my control if people misinterpret things, but I also really don't want to send the wrong signals.
I agree with 95% of what you have said here, it's brilliantly written and so true. I am going to be honest right here, if you're aroace, or even just ace, and you're losing your marriage that's because the other person has needs you're not able to fulfill and they're not selfish for realizing those needs and deciding to move on, it sucks, it sucks for everyone, but they're no more selfish for being sexual/romantic than you are selfish for being asexual/aromantic, which is neither is selfish at all.
The same thing happened to me and I only started to think about how it must’ve seemed from their point of view in the last week or so, today especially. I’m glad I know now so in the future I’ll know to just date another ace person or be alone but 10-15 years ago when I was dating in high school and college and didn’t know these things didn’t occur to me and I thought I was just going to eventually have to because “that’s what everyone does” (even though no one actually ever told me that) and I think it made me even worse than I already was at saying no and setting boundaries. My early boyfriends didn’t even ask or try anything but none of them lasted very long (though I have no idea to this day if that was why, I never thought of it before) but when I did finally do it I had a very different experience. It was like he thought once he was done waiting for me to be ready that my boundaries no longer mattered, even after I realized I was ace and was no longer trying to “fix the problem”. And as much as I know that not acting that way is just basic human decency, it made me want to thank my first ex for it and apologize for not realizing how he must’ve felt when I saw him again recently. But I didn’t because I feel like he would think I was a weirdo for saying all that in public or for even thinking that much about a 3 month relationship from 15 years ago, especially when I’m married now lol
Oh and I was just remembering today too a couple of creepy guys in high school who asked me out but those were the only two guys I said no to because weather they meant to come off that way or not, they were acting kind of obsessive and I knew something was off. I still get hit on at work sometimes but that’s never done in good taste so I don’t feel bad for those guys. lmao I don’t think I’m aro but it’s funny how even up until like this week I never thought about how other people actually already liked or were attracted to the people they dated as opposed to just saying yes to whoever asked and didn’t seem like a creep and only started developing feelings for them after that. I’m sure there’s a term for that but I don’t remember what it is. But yeah, that was my dumb ass, even in college when I met my husband 😂
Same... I kind of wish I found this video sooner. Though I'm not sure if I would have believed it back then... so glad I learned that lesson, even though it makes me cringe to look back...
People like to joke about online dating (including myself) but when handled the right way, it can be a wonderful way to get to know someone without physical first impressions. I met my husband online. We knew that we had some basic shared interests, goals, and values before we even met in person, so a lot of anxiety was alleviated, and we knew we weren't wasting our time with someone we might be initially attracted to, but with whom we wouldn't truly connect with.
A man telling a woman it's her fault he's horny because of what she's wearing is like telling me it's my fault he's fat because I'm eating a slice of cake. My choices have absolute zero to do with other people's way of thinking.
Thank you! No matter what, sexual arousal is a FEELING and people are not responsible for other people's FEELINGS. People are accountable for their ACTIONS, such as when a predator assaults someone. I don't get why this is so hard for society to accept!
I kid you not, I was actually bullied by fat people for being able to eat food that they couldn't. They also saw me being significantly more active than them and instead of a penny drop, they made fun of me for that too.
When it comes to revealing clothes I must say that the media plays a big part on what type of style young women want to have. For example when I was little I grew up with a cartoon called Winx Club and I thought they look cool and pretty. I was seeing this style with innocent eyes so when I was old enough to wear what I want of course I wore what I wanted and those clothes had bright colors were thight and revealing. I saw myself as pretty, sexy too but I didn't think of it in a bad way like that I look cheap or too revealing because I saw it as fashionable and cool. But of course I met a lot of men who didn't take me seriously, who only wanted sex and a lot of looks from people I didn't want the attention of. So I started to wear more conservative and modest clothes because I didn't like the attention. I hate that some men don't understand that women don't wear those type of clothes for them but for oneself. Maybe there are some women who like that type of attention but I bet that's not a lot and most of them are young and inexperienced.
Some women just like those clothes. Period. It's a shame you felt you had to change because older men were sexualizing you. Unfortunately, there's no uniform for being a sexual assault victim. You could be wearing anything; it doesn't matter. Because it's not about you; it's about the criminal who violated you. And I hate how this video accidentally comes across as victim blaming.
Crap my therapist said, “Well, if it was important to you, you would remember it” between an ADHD diagnosis and a much later DID diagnosis there could literally not have been a more false statement.
Thanks for the vid! It would feel like such a slap in the face if a woman who had been assaulted, for example, were to hear something like that from a therapist. When I learnt that women who dress conservatively and mind their own business still get sexually assaulted and raped, I started to realize that it wasn't something we, as women, were doing. And when I realized that people have different sexual orientations, and I've been in women's saunas and never really felt perved on, I started to realize more that people are responsible very much responsible for themselves, their thoughts and their actions. If we teach girls and women to be responsible, we should teach boys and men the same too. They're both people.
I think we'd all be less stressed about what others think about us if we realized they're usually not thinking about anyone else at all. As someone who befriended the (possibly) gay kid in 6th grade because even the teacher was trying to kill him I have to say I've never known a more loyal group and when I was 18 and didn't want to see the next day they played boardgames with me until the next day, babysat me all day while I slept, fed me, kept me going and attended for ages, all because I stood by my 6th grade friend (who had it worked out by 18) when he needed someone.
This is really well said! Reminds me a bit of another comment I remember seeing from a gay man that was like, when he changed in men's lockerooms he would keep his feelings to himself because it was the right thing to do. And then adding that with that there are me that claim 'it's the woman's fault' for their own sexual advances...he was like, nope that doesn't add up!
I'm from a country where most women are covered up (muslim-type covered). And they STILL get harassed and raped. The harasser doesn't care about who the woman is, what kind of personality they have, whether or not they'd "appreciate" a slap on the ass by a stranger, heck they can't even see the face, they'll harass knowing they won't be held responsible. I've heard allllll types of stories. Moreover, I've been in circumstances where I've felt creeped out by women who are pervy (being a woman myself), and I'm not even saying that they were gay and hence actually had any interest that way. I've come to realize that its the mentality we promote to be normal AS A SOCIETY. I've learned to really value people according to how they treat others. I once saw a handsome guy being suuuper nice and approachable and helpful to a girl that he would never see as a love interest (so no ulterior motives for his helpfulness). I appreciated that so much. Also I've seen guys avert their eyes instead of ogle at obviously beautiful women, to clearly show respect for the woman and also themselves so they don't embarass themselves. Love it when men are raised right
I mean, I once got told by a self defence teacher AT SCHOOL that I look like an easy target, and then used to demonstrate how NOT to "be". I was so embarrassed and hurt and.. annoyed? I was 14 and being told by a teacher that the way I am (in a school setting) sends the message that it's okay to hurt me? Yikes. What made me an easy target? I was being quiet and wrapping myself in my jacket because it was COLD. Again, this was at SCHOOL. I am aware that this doesn't relate directly to the video, but I got this weird flashback and thought I'd share. Also, my friends have told me when I walk places, I can look extremely unapproachable because I look confident. Which is fine, I guess? If my being confident is too intimidating, that's unfortunate, but not my problem.
Your comment is very relevant to the topic. It's about victim blaming, and women being told they are personally responsible for the way men choose to feel about their bodies.
Ymmv. I grew up in a city where safety was not guaranteed. Body language is always your first line of defence. It's not about being fair, it's about being safe. You can see who's a potential victim from 100 meters away. Learning to present yourself in the correct way can save your life. And this is every bit as important for men as well as women. It's not gendered at all Where the risks might be? Yeah, that's gendered.
I truly do appreciate that while they do both look at the camera or speak to the camera, about half the time they’re either attentively listening to and looking at each other or looking off to the side or so clearly thinking about what they’re saying. Such pleasant body language to see. It makes you both seem approachable, kind and intelligent (which I’m sure you both are)
The list story reminded me of a time when I worked in customer service taking phone calls. There were some guys in their early 20s in the aisle across from me and they were talking VERY LOUDLY about qualities they wanted in a woman. At first it was shallow stuff like, "she has to be blonde" and then morphed into stupid stuff like, "I want her to be loyal and obedient." I was thinking they either forgot to be born in the middle ages or the middle east, but a woman sitting next to me said, "Basically what they really want is a dog!" A few weeks later, we heard them yet again very loudly complaining about how they couldn't find a girl to be with in a long term relationship. I am very curious now as to what their list for a significant other would look like and how they would react to Jonathan's advice.
LOL@ 'they want a dog", so true (and sad). Beggers can't be choosers and since these guys have absolutely nothng to offer a women would ever want (or need) they are the paupers/beggers in this setting.
I love the question of "What does her list look like?" Honestly, if your goal is to find your Gomez, you need to work on being Morticia. Love this channel.
I've had Morticia down for decades it's the guys who clearly didn't understand the assignment that I end up running from. Gomez is himself in every way and adores his family. What he isn't is a goth version of The Joker or something out of a horror movie. Too many guys don't understand that.
@@freakychick1978 Oh, no argument here. Gomez isn't an insecure jackass and I've heard that a well. I wish you the best on finding your Gomez. Don't settle for less.
Awesome. Sound advice. When I was in my early 20s, I took some time to figure out my own values and what I wanted my life to look like. Then I thought about what kind of partner would want THAT life. I joined a dating site and "shopped" for partners, browsing around a bit. I found a few guys who made me laugh, but there was nothing beneath the surface. Then, I found a guy who I resonated with. We shared values, enjoyed writing to one another, actually discussed what our ideal futures looked like. When we finally met in person, the question was if we would "click"- would there be chemistry? I remember that when we finally relaxed and started being ourselves it was like that moment from the movie "Hook"- "There you are Peter!" We've been married 19 years, have 3 kids of our own and have parented 5 others together. Life is SO good. Being particular is smart.
yeah I’d totally given up on dating cause the person that matched my list didn’t exist so just gonna have fun and be single and suddenly there was my perfect mate 🖤 (cause I’d learned to love me and deserved someone who matched my list)
I have a friend who is a therapist and when he was dating about a year ago we were speaking of people he was seeing. He was listing things he wanted to have in a partner and I had asked him, "Okay, so what do you provide for that person, if those are your expectations of them?" And his face was that of surprise since he hadn't considered what someone else would want of a partner and if he fit the criteria. I think it's easy to go on about what WE want from others, but rarely consider what we're offering and/or what we're not offering.
Coming here from Cinema therapy I am falling for the "Keep watching and..." in the end every time because my head continues with ".. watch movies" every time.
What you say at 7:47 made me gasp because I had JUST said out loud, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” which is a quote from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower!
I think we should mind our Signals, but even more important: We should stop judging people by their looks! Why can't you wear pink and pastel & be a badazz? Why can't you look manly but be soft and warm? Stop judging others mostly based I their looks! If you're looking for a personal trainer / life coach / whatever 》Ask them how they work! Don't suggest! 🙈 And if s.o. likes wearing less fabric 》 Don't assume they're a wh*** or don't want a serious relationship! It's okay to want both and you can get both! And if sth. Actually is a wh*** 》Let them! It's OK, as long as they're happy and not endangering others!
@@gregariagirl Correct! That's why I'm not saying we can't have assumptions. We can (we always will) but we have to be aware that things can be different than we expect. That people can be different than we first think. We should be aware of the fact that first impressions aren't everything! Tattoos don't make you an unfriendly untrustworthy bank clerk or childcare worker. Just as not having tattoos doesn't make you a friendly trustworthy blank clerk and childcare worker 🙈 So for dating for example: If you think someone is looking for Sex: Ask them! Or of you think someone is looking for a serious long term relationship: Ask them! But never be rude of course 😉 Be aware of personal space physically & psychological.
I don't think it matters so much who is attracted to you. It matters who you find attractive (and why). So if you find yourself drawn to people who are not treating you well, you need to do some internal work and ask yourself why. Side note: I think Alicia is being extra playful today because she is channeling her inner Prince. (Purple Rain, Purple Rain)
My mom used to say this to me but I dress very conservatively and she dress very provocatively. So I was troubled by double standard. I always learn something new with you. Today feels like the "thank you" gif.
I heard "do more sports/work out more", when I told them about my (back then unidentified) PTSD symptoms. That was back when I was working out 3 times a week. When I told her that, her reaction was: "Well... then just work out more"
Best sh*t my last therapist said before I dumped his ass : - there was this guy with whom things were goîng pretty smooth and I told him like a thousand times very clearly that I wasn't interrested in anxthing casual and he clearly aknowledged it and we grew intimate and only after having had what he wanted did he tell me he wasn't ready for a relationship - you know I'm telling this as an old dude but guys have their urges and hormones and they're alwaxys gonna try so what else could you do to prevent this from happening? - you mean, what could I have done to control this guy so he didn't overstepped boundaries clearly stated and lie to my face to get his way? - it happens to you far more than to my other clients. you have a repetition schema! Well I'm certainly not gonna pay a dude to listen to him making me responsible for "men's physical urges" and detrimentally comparing me to other women. Been there, done that. For free, Oh god that video's good. I needed that so much.
Wtf, he's just making his own gender sound like dumb cavemen who can't control their urges because it's in their dna and they only think with their dick, what a moron. Hope you found a better therapist if you were looking for one!
It is very refreshing to hear someone sharing my "yes sometimes you might be". (Though I also add "but that isn't always your fault or problem. And it is rarely a strong, valid excuse for others") I often look and sound differently than I think I am, or at least, come across that way to many people that have not learned to see properly. (One of my favoriete all time interactions was an old granny goin "oh dear, you couldn't look threatening if you wanted to, you are WAY to adorable for that!"), so have been aware all my adult life that looks influence perception. And perception determines opinion. And as a culture/society we also have a set of visual or behavioural communications. I don't go around spitting in people's eyes and wondering why no-one likes me.
Love this video. Generally, there are double standards against both women and men. I believe we do gotta be self-aware, first and foremost and try to get our intentions to align with our actions and words as well as people being responsible for themselves and not blame and to not focus on blaming even when someone may be at fault. Wanting a casual or serious relationship are both 100% valid as long as the people you are interested in are on the same page so that it is mutual and fair
I have a bad history of attracting obsessive stalker types, the kinds that see me in the street and then find a way to worm themselves into my life and try to control me. Not sure if it is something I project or all on them but the result was I decided to just be single rather than waiting for the shoe to drop each time I start dating.
I just would like to say thank you cause we're expecting family attempting to flee here from war. And that'll ofcourse come with some chaos and thus I'm already seeing what lessons I'll be getting to apply very soon. And it actually feels kind of safer psychologically to know that I can walk into the CinemaTherapy discord any time and express myself and my feelings and lend someone's ear (well.... eyes?) to help myself process stuff and maybe double check different perspectives with others. It's like having a "group therapy room" type of place. 🙏
This video hit me at an itching place. I do not want to give a “dislike” but I hope this will be considered as constructive criticism. It would have been better to keep the video more focused on what society firstly means “the wrong signals” and how we internalise it, and at the end we live a life that is not ours. Because, really if I did not trust you, I would just shut the video down. Going to the clubs, wearing revealing clothes etc. are not the reason you do not find the “right” person. Just like wearing conservative clothes does not guarantee you finding the “right” one. I think the latter bit was not discussed at all. You may buy into conservative gender roles, lifestyles in the hopes that you will create a happy family but end up in an abusive relationship or a just emotionally lacking one. And having a more “marginal” lifestyle does not mean you can only have polyamorous and superficial relationships. I am glad you stressed out integrity and risking “oneliness for the sake of being true to one's self later on. But I think you can be more inclusive in regards to different lifestyles. And that would help a lot of people to understand the risks of projecting society's expectations on themselves (especially onto their emotional needs) and find ways to break out of living the shadows of what they perceive as how they should behave. Either be it conservative or not so conservative. Such as, you may grow up into a liberal family and believe that a woman's career should come first, but in fact you are more of a nurturing person and would enjoy raising a family and be more active in the domestic roles. Or you may come from a conservative family and believe it is your duty to become a mother but you actually do not want kids. And this internal conflict may be the reason you are giving the wrong signals or projecting on others your expectations from yourself. That does not mean you need to “convert” to being a conservative or liberal. It means you need to own your perspective, and be yourself. I think most of the wrong or mixed signals come from this. The expectations we learnt comply but do not fit us.
@@kodidane5824 thanks, your comment made me rewatch the video and understand better why i love this channell and why i wrote the comment that i did. i think i felt threatened in the terms of life style and also the examples of my friends from different life times. i just wish that they empasized our shared point of views more. thanks btw. it helps a lot to see beyond what i assumed. :)
@@kodidane5824 in the video, they actually express an extremely socially conservative, judgemental view towards women's lifestyle choices. They imply that if you look and act "a certain way," you can never find romantic fulfillment.
You are responsible for your actions, but you are not responsible for the actions of others. I feel like that needs to be said, because many times the first part gets said but the second isn't even implied, or worse the inverse is implied.
Men have said to me, "Women are materialistic. They just want free dinners." If I, a woman, invite you to dinner--I expect to pay. The host pays. Because they want to. No obligation. "Women are only interested in bad boys." Most women are looking for someone *interesting*, not anti-social or irresponsible. Read, volunteer, travel; be able to share something insightful. "Women are stuck up. The don't date guys my height/age/ income level. Their standards are too high." If a guy is well-groomed (clean hair, fresh breath, clean clothes), has enough income to be self-reliant, and has read a book recently--I will absolutely have a conversation and see where it goes! If women you meet really are selfish, rude, shallow, or frigid--you don't want a woman like that anyway! That's not a 'rejection', that's a lucky escape 😊
I don't like tropes, but they make it easier to explain: When I let go of my girly-girl style that I never liked (I'm a Tomboy) people immediately took me a lot more seriously. At work, I'm the one no one messes up with. It was a stupid and shocking realisation for me. Because all I did was cutting my hair and leave my dresses out of the office. My words, my behaviour have always been the same. But the girly-girl image was backfiring on me. Once I became faithful to myself and cut my hair really short, to give it a try, I loved both the look and the social reaction! I felt I was being seen, heard and respected. And I'm keeping my hair short! I cannot afford losing my "social rights" (sad but true).
@Blueberry B " Women were much more comfortable with me" - You're so lucky! In my case, I'm seen as both a strong woman (which is good) and a competitor (sadly...). I've already suffered some consequence of this by a woman. "Then i got men who would ask me if i wore different clothes (dresses or lacy stuff) and if i was ever going to grow my hair." - True. Unfortunately, and it has been like this for ages, men see our "Tomboy" image as something to overcome. We are expected to grow up from this and "mature". This is ridiculous. We are mature! We are strong. We know what we want and especially what we don't want. Men need to catch up with us. :) Keep being who you are, respect yourself and your boundaries. Keep shining YOUR light! Wishing all the best to you!
I've heard from a psychologist "did you say "no"enough?" when I was complaining about a guy's behavior the weekend before. The actual weekend wasn't traumatic at all, but the session made me quit therapy.
This video popped up in my suggestions after I binge watched cinema therapy videos and as interested as I am in the content I have to admit that I am absolutely distracted by your wife. She is IN.CRE.DI.BLY GORGEOUS! STUNNING! My goodness! Your wife should be painted or sculpted. 😍😍😍😍😍
I have a partner I love and is exactly who I want. But I'm still watching this because I seem to still get into situations where people I am NOT hitting on seem to think I am. And it's made people around me seem to come to the conclusion I'm a flirt or easy or a cheater. Which is extremely awful. I'm not some morally bankrupt person, who is just going to sleep with literally anyone. I love my husband. And I respect others. I'm not saying someone who cheats is automatically evil or a monster, but it is something that's a big deal and very hurtful, and the fact so many think I would just be so blase and disrespectful, especially to my husband whom I adore, is very upsetting to me. So, yeah. I have issues socially. I'm super anxious and Autistic. It's my biggest weakness. But, according to many, even though I do not care nor do I agree with them regarding my looks, I am told I'm "conventionally" pretty. I have no control over that. I rarely wear makeup and often dress like a teenage boy. In fact, I think I do so to discourage attention. Attention to me is often scary feeling. I don't mind having a nice conversation and making a new friend. But life of the party, I am not. I suspect they think I'm trying too hard to be the "manic pixie dream girl" and my oddness is an act for attention or to be coy. It definitely is not. I get a lot of "Wow you're weird" often followed up by "But you don't LOOK Autistic." 🙄 I suck at masking. I'm terrible at reading people. I stopped trying to appear neurotypical when I was still a kid. Because it was so hard it caused me trauma. A long time ago I just decided it was better to be me than try to be what people wanted or expected. And I still believe that. But people still think I'm this dishonest, slimy person (which is odd, because they often tell me I'm too blunt. Which is true. I'm a terrible liar. And I have no guile. Though I do care a lot about people's feelings and will try to be polite or kind about it. You'd think they'd catch on to the lack of logic in their assessment of who I am, but 🤷♀️) I've tried learning how to put out "leave me alone" vibes, but THEN people accuse me of being a snob and rude. I hate the idea of hurting people's feelings. I try to treat others how I want to be treated. And I usually want to be treated like a friend. When people think I'm sending "sexy" signals, what I've been talking about are subjects like: Awful but fun B movies with killer bugs, card games, sushi, music I like, Crime (I studied Criminology), historical stuff I find interesting, my kids, my husband. Just to name a few. The subject matter has never been remotely sexy or sexual. When I hit on someone I'm usually extremely clear and blunt. (It's one of the things my husband likes about me, because he doesn't have to guess if I'm "in the mood" lol) Some have pointed out that my actions (my body language? I guess?) do not match my words. So people automatically think I'm being deceptive or coy. My actions (as in decisions) in life absolutely match my words. I make mistakes sometimes, but minor ones. I don't live a hypocritical life where I say my values are this and then I do the opposite, for example. So it must be the body language they are referring to. I'm not hanging on people, getting close, nor do I touch them (I hate being touched. Not a hugger, fir example). So that's not the issue. I'm not sure how to fix this. Because I'm definitely NOT hitting on these people. I'm NOT being deceptive. I'm literally diagnosed Autistic. It's not like I'm confused about that, either. I'm not self diagnosing because of some pop psy thing I read and then jumped to conclusions. I have neurological problems understanding body language and apparently expressing myself through my own. That is a literall scientific fact. But if I just say, "Oh, I'm Autistic, sorry." It sounds like an excuse. And they're likely to see it as such, and I'll just seem like, again, some "choose me" girl trying to be "quirky" for attention. I've tried to find ways to improve my skill level on this, but everything I find is just "You should be proud! Don't mask! Be yourself!" Look, I'm not hating on myself. I like that I see things maybe in a different way. The world needs diversity, especially in the way we think. I get that. But I really hate the feeling of almost everyone I have ANY conversation with treating me like a bad person. It's becoming painful. It's even effected my marriage sometimes, because of people treating my husband badly, telling him he's a sucker because his wife is a floozy. He knows I'm not, but it's definitely not a great experience for him to be treated like that. And it's embarrassing for both of us. It's gotten to the point I don't want to leave my house or interact with anyone, ever. Sorry this is long and rambley. I guess I'm just kinda desperate for advice at this point.
Ok, here's some advice from another autistic "manic pixie dream girl" - also diagnosed long before the fad. The reason people believe you flirt is because you're straightforward. That's it. When you're excited by a conversation, it shows. If you're a tad bit like I am, you ooze a "teach me everything sensei!" vibe when you're into the topic you're discussing and people confuse your genuine eager attention for a flirty move. Especially people who are not used to have such positive attention. Insecure people. Second part of the advice : not everything is about your communication deficits. I repeat : not everything is about your communication deficits. Non-autistic people also confuse simple non hostile attention for flirt. They also struggle to connect with others and interpret intentions. That's the whole point of these video series. In my opinion, what makes you vulnerable RN isn't your autism but the fact that because you're used to be the faulty link with your communication deficits, you're taking on everything that's said to you. Don't. Not everything you're told is true. You're not always the culprit. I suspect this time you're not. Hint round this : who the hell insults your husband on the behalf of your supposed behaviour (that's an insult to you also!) and is still allowed to be around both of you? That person, or these persons, are abusing you. So there would be my advice in a nutshell : - you can't please everyone and you can't change people's opinion of you. Accept that there will be people shitting on you whatever you do or say. Don't pay attention to them, pay attention to those who value you - they won't believe the messed up image of you the former convey. - not everything is because of your autism - you need to prioritize identifying abusive behaviour and not taking on the abuse - for example, believing you're necessarily the defective one. This makes you vulnerable, far more than your autism - don't give up on your social life altogether, learn to protect yourself and your relatives and enjoy life
I agree with Morayner here, 100%! Unfortunately, I don't have anything of substance to add, but I will say that I identify with what you are experiencing in a couple of ways. I, too, like to treat people the way I want to be treated and I have been told COUNTLESS times that I'm "such a good listener" or, like, people are surprised I'm actually interested in their life. I'm not interested in them romantically, I am just curious about the world and other people's experiences. I'm also friendly and willing to talk to just about everyone (for the very same reason)....it's really, really unfortunate just how many people seem to lack that attention and then latch on because they think you are sending them "signals" of interest. In fact, I have an old coworker friend that I'm friends with but have to intentionally keep at a distance because he is married but acts very much interested in me. Maybe I'm making the same assumptions about him, but then again he does other things that are behind friendly, in my opinion (like saving messages from me). Anyway, I just want to say I feel for you and I'm sorry you (and your husband) have received such judgement.
I don't know if you can help it but it sounds like you're around the wrong people. People with basic manners and who treat others with kindness and respect aren't people who constant express judgement on others like it sounds like the people you're around. The people you're describing sound catty and gossipy and immature and not focused on improving their own situations and lives because they're wasting time criticizing, fault finding and gossipping about others. These don't sound like positive, mature, good people to have in one's life. If it's possible to do so, distance yourself and find better people and or at least limit exposure to people like this.
I'd add that - if you know your worth (morally speaking) you don't have to prove yourself to anyone - the problem you're facing is really common, not only for autistic women but tends to take horrendous proportions with us so you can at least cheer up to the fact that you're not alone in this - if you're as dorky as I am it adds to the difficulty... I mean I just finished building a mechanical keyboard, I know how to make a dual boot and I'm all about indie games... I mean, as a girl, just befriending nerd boys is a pain in the ass as they tend to be socialized to be huge jerks (and not even believe in your mere existence...) I want me a sweet dorky boy that'll be into gaming, tinkering AND respecting women, but that seems to be the Mary Poppins male version... I'm glad for you that you found your husband!
I wish I could heart this because you sound almost exactly like me and have similar experiences. Both my ex boyfriends said I look like the type to cheat,which is disgusting and untrue. One of them was actually the cheater and abuser. I have to hold myself back because people think I'm weird ,but because I'm pretty I'm just quirky. I think one thing different is I love hugs! Not getting hugs actually makes me sad. There are a bunch of other things but my phone is making it hard to type and it's annoying me. Lol
Needed a fresh perspective- I've been alone for good 2 years again - been doing alotttttt of personal development work-- like you mention know your boundaries of tolerate and all -- the worth part is very highly difficult-- unsure what I want in a partner as tryna find what I wanna be first -- inhave vague ideas but yah LOL thanks for this 💕
I agree what you two are saying on the main points. I cannot make anyone, nor any guy, to change when it comes to dating. I been paying attention on actions with his words, and if they don't align then it will be a painful long road. Hence why I do try to end it which I usually end up doing the hard part or if it was a one-time then I'll know if it will continue or not. Sometimes it is obvious and sometimes the guy shown no interest. Given I've made mistakes too, so not saying it's only the guy to blame. And I agree about don't settle for less, ever. And I don't want to fix any guy, and I been trying to be myself but seems like it's not enough. To be frankly honest, despite I been born in the Google age, I didn't grow up with a cellphone until my teens and back then texting didn't exist until later on. I'm a introvert but I prefer in person more then these forms of social media. I understand how helpful they are when used for good but I also seen the destructive side too. This digital age can be too much for me and it ruined some of the relationships I had. I barely have any social media and I avoid dating apps like the plague. It's so difficult to find honest, transparent men who have similarities with core beliefs and values while it matches their actions. This is vice versa for women too. Trying to find a long-term relationship is difficult. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but it has not been easy for myself. And yes, I been blamed before because I am a woman. Usually it comes from my own peers, however I had some men but it was very rare for my life experiences. I must be the problem as well.. Even though I can ONLY improve myself. I'll continue to be myself with improvement, and high awareness. I did recently wish my ex-boyfriend the best for his health, happiness, and healing. I hope he finds that woman he truly desires because I know it was not me... Again you two make great videos and keep up the good work.
Faux question for a point: How do you on sight or first meeting tell the difference between someone who is elevating themselves to be with you and someone who is someone who's faking it to use you? My point is, as a woman, I was taught that it's the same person, and it's not. In other words, the particular guy is either a gentleman or a jerk, solely depending on me. I think it bears pointing out that when we see men (or women) owning who they are, a jerk is a jerk and a gentleman is a gentleman. They may both act the same for a while (with or without a woman's presence), however there is nothing a woman can do to make the jerk be a gentlemen, not even if she spoke, dressed and breathed like someone who'd never heard of sex, and nossir, no hand holding until the 8th date. Her behavior doesn't change a jerk, and her behavior is not going to change a gentleman either. Women aren't magical beings who by the way we think, dress or breathe can control men or any other human being. Assigning that magic to us, steals accountability from men, and frankly makes men look like dupes. They're not. It's easy to twist the good idea that a man elevates himself for the woman (or vice versa). When a gentleman does this, it's because he sees something in himself he wants to improve on. Maybe something he did made her smile and he wants more of that, so he does it. A jerk can use the same words, take the same actions, and we can fall for it. The only difference I can see is time. It can be a bar, a church or a library or the produce section of your grocery store. Jerks and gentlemen don't change their core personalities based on location, what you wear or the, "Airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow." People are people. When it's hard to see gentlemen or kindness in the world in general, it helps me to write down every time someone is kind to me. It doesn't lessen the jerks. It reminds me there is good too.
"Men are never expected to be responsible for the actions and behaviours of women", It may not be in the same way you think, but the wording makes it all too easy to just say "Look at certain religion" or even some personal biased stories where women act as if I should be held responsible for their choices, and often men feel the need to protect women from their choices.
I myself was thinking about the numerous times my mom would be mad and people would ask my stepdad what did HE do. I mean neither person was a healthy example of a human but my mother had unrealistic expectations and acted out when they weren't met, while my stepfather was always to blame for her vindictive behavior. It's the rational between the "Happy wife, happy life" mantra.
I always fall for friends and the ones I talked to about it all ghosted me afterwards and besides that I have never had a man hit ok me, ask me out, seek me out etc. My assumption is I will just be alone for good and there is nothing more I can say or do. I am too afraid of how I would react if another friend were to ghost me because I "care too much" about them so I just leave the feelings be until they fizzle out. My therapist wants me to put myself out there and wants me to try and make more friends on dating apps but this is completely not my nature. I prefer meeting people naturally, observing them in a group setting before even contemplating seeing or being with them in a one on one situation friend or not. People who push themselves into a one on one situation too soon for me always make me uncomfortable.
It is terrible that women are made to feel responsible for the thoughts and actions of men. This is something I've been fighting against ever since I've been able to recognize it. I've always been on the line of don't blame me, because you find me attractive. Appreciate me and move on. Unfortunately it does tend to be the cocky arrogant people who are willing to put themselves out there and hit on others. When I 1st started dating I was basically told it was inappropriate for me to ask out guys. I wasn't even allowed to call guys. It wasn't appropriate. I think women should be more empowered to ask out the men they find attractive versus waiting for the man to approach them. This way you're more likely to get men that you actually like because you specifically picked them.
my therapist said to me once (because I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, got r twice in my life and mugged), that maybe I'm giving off vibes of a naive and helpless person and people see that. I think about that a lot.
Yes that is possible. There was an experiment. Sociopaths that were in prison were shown people going in a hallway. I think they obscured the faces of the test subjects - these were really dangerous criminals. The sociopaths were asked to identify targets. And among the test persons there were people that had been mugged. And the sociopaths found them (the test subjects had no visibly disability, or limp or injury). It was something about moving in an asymetric manner, how they moved the arms when they walked. And of course being worn down at home in an abusive relationship can show up in your body language and criminals in search of an easy target will notice.
The reason Men are not judged for being promiscuous by how they dress is because a man can be dressed as a classy gentleman and still be a total player or jerk. If there was a consistent way promiscuous men dressed, than we would judge men for going out "dressed like that". However, we do judge men for the way they dress, but for other reasons. Just picture the following a "slob", "thug", "low-life" or "grandpa". Like it or not, the way one looks and dresses is the 1st thing people notice. It does speak a lot about them, how they portray themselvesand what's important to them. It's like a resume that either gets one an interview, needs further screening or instantly disqualified. When dating online, I will not respond to people who post pictures with a grumpy look on their face. If that's the image they're putting out to the world, I'm not interested in being your life partner. No matter how good looking and well dressed someone is, if their words and actions don't match up, it's a done deal.
I'm 3 minutes in and again, I love this video! Like I love this channel. I'd love to have you as my therapist. Shame you're across the Atlantic and then some. Well, at least I've got these videos ;)
This is what I hate about society throughout history,it sucks women do get blame for almost everything for guys behavior and that's mind blowing 🤯! I'm so sick of it, that's why I dress the way I want comfy clothes cargo shorts and t-shirts or polos!! I've had guys say they are attractive but xyz about me and the way I dress! I've also had comments of my body type and Mt personality- I'm independent hard working 2 jobs and like working out with weights not body builder look but I want muscles on my arms and not to toned either but buff!
"There's never a dynamic where men are responsible for the actions and behaviors of women."??? Uhm, yes there is. I feel like, very often, when a relationship breaks, it is often seen as the mans fault. The woman cheats, because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. She is manipulative? Well, he probably wasn't easy to live with. She's abusive? He should have just stayed in line/He probably deserved it. I'm not saying that your observations aren't the norm, and by no means that you are generally incorrect, but to say the dynamic is never reversed seems a bit too shortsighted to me.
This is out of topic but I would really like to see your view, as a therapist, on polyamorous relationships. Although I don't subscribe to it, I've seen more and more people choosing this model nowadays and I'm really curious on where they are coming from and does it ever work on the long term.
Most of the comments are women acknowledging the truthful injustice (which adds no solutions to the problems) or noting an additional complaint against a situation (online dating) or crap guys say and do. And they are mostly inerrant. To turn it back to the video’s comments: behaviors speak louder than words and at least have to match. Having been a therapist to many a young guy and girl - and some elderly ones - this is missing in both streams of consciousness. As was discussed in the video, it’s a more “universal” problem that people expect others to behave according to desired expectations while being given the grace of acting between hypocritical to profoundly incompetent yet believe they should be allowed to do so. Also, as she said, one of the hardest things to help in this situation is an accurate and thorough self evaluation. And I cannot begin to stress the number of guys and girls who say: ‘I did that, and I’m good, there’s just no one out there,’ or ‘I did, I know I have some things to work on [that I have no intention of actually spending the dozens to hundreds of hours to self correct just 1 or 2 things of the half a dozen needed], but there is no one out there.’ Find a brutally honest friend, find a therapist who will ask pointed questions, heck, find a philosopher who has no qualms about shredding your behaviors with 100 “but why’s” so you can finally put words to the reasons behind your poor emotional choices or terribly poor rationalizations and then you’ll be on the right track.
2:39 I disagree. If a woman attacks a man physically, like slapping him in the face, people will often assume that he did something wrong and that she had the right to react that way.
I am aparently catnip for people who want to be unhappy . . . like it is rediculous how often I lost friends and potential ones over them making a move on me despite me being very transparent about being aro ace . . .
there are many good thoughts in this video! but i feel like it's a bit bad structured and therefore the message gets muddeled and isn't as clear as it should be on that topic. yes, you can create an environment and interact with people in a way, that will improve your chances of getting to know a person, that you like (e.g. going in a fitness studio and speaking to people there, will give you a higher chance of meeting a sportive person.) and you should use this. but what people you attract isn't only dependend on you, but also on the other person. and there is NO signifier in the world that says "i want to be raped". i think all of these thoughts are there in your video, but they don't really come across strongly.
i have been having this annoying issue lately(the last 3 years) of guys wanting to cheat on their wives or girlfriends with me, and i always say no and don't tolerate it, and i am perfectly happy being alone, but it got me thinking, what signals am i giving off that i am apparently okay with being the other woman? or do they know i am going to say no and they are gluttons for punishment or something? i dress between preppy and athleasure, i am pretty low maintenance, but can doll up every once in a while. i have plenty of hobbies that don't include being in a relationship to do them. i have the attitude with children and marriage of go-with-the-flow, if it happens cool, if it doesn't happen, also cool. my major priorities are my mom's health/safety and my own financial security and i won't settle for someone who will treat me like trash. so again, is there a reason these assholes are coming to me to be the other woman, when i will never be desperate enough to do so? is it just a thing that happens to single women in their thirties because of stupid stereotypes about the biological clock desperation and they think time is running out for me when i actually could care less? that is the only thing i am coming up with atm:/
Maybe you are approachable / not scary and that is why they dare to hit on you. Would you want me to tell your wife would scare the shit out of them ....
Earlier you said we need to either become that person or lower the standards and accept it. But then you said do not settle for less. Isn't it contradicting in some way?
"There's never a dynamic where men are responsible for the actions of women" Say WHAT? You hit a boy because you pinned him down and your mother said that there probably was a good reason for you doing so. You don't think that mentality sometimes continues into adulthood? And except the realm of violence; you've NEVER heard 'Just do it! He deserves to feel bad'? If personal experience was fact, I could've proven you wrong. But I can't - Just disagree
I think a girl who is wearing revealing clothes and goes out to bars can be someone who would look for a serious relationship too. ofc she may not find many serious men there, but that's not her fault... she doesn't need to start dressing modestly and stop going to bars. ofc she can find the right man somewhere else but it's not like she has to make a choice between finding the right man and wearing revealing clothing/going to bars
I got a question about the "You need to be the kind of person you want to attract" part What if you want your partner to complement you/balance out your weakness(es)? For example: I have social anxiety disorder, which I have no clue yet how to overcome, as even exposure and therapy seems to not make a difference So it would be nice if my hypothetical partner did not have those issues, as it would probably suck doubly for us Thus a partner without those issues - maybe even more than average confidence or calmness when dealing with people - seems to be ideal Does this now become an impossible wish, as I would have to become that person myself first? (which then would no longer "need" such a partner) Or is "kind of person" more like: "Your partner brings your relationship confidence, so you have to also give something of equal value" ?
I don't think it's too much to ask for something like that. Of course you want to be with someone that balances you out, as long as you're not treating them like a crutch or an excuse to stop working on yourself. You shouldn't date someone because you NEED them, but because you like them and enjoy their company. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't a caretaker. Just a companion. I think, in the video, they meant that you shouldn't make IMPOSSIBLE demands on a partner (like the Mary Poppins/Wonder Woman scenario) and that we should be aware that the people that we're attracted to also have valid hopes and dreams for their own future relationships as well. It's probably true that you would be happier with a very calm, very understanding partner, but it would be disrespectful to DEMAND those qualities from them if you weren't willing to be understanding or accommodating when THEY were having troubles, too.
It's important to remember that equal does not always mean same. A great example of an unequal (and unrealistic) relationship is a celebrity crush. The young, beautiful, rich, famous, talented, philanthropic celebrity is not going to end up with the overweight single-parent who works minimum wage and spends weekends eating ice cream and watching Netflix. That's not to say the second person isn't wonderful and doesn't have value, but they are not equal. Where would these two meet? How would they go on a date? The paparazzi would eat them alive. Now an equal couple may have two people who are very similar (ex: celebrity power couple), or two complimentary people who bring equal value. One may be naturally beautiful, the other may be a bit plain but works out and dresses well. One very charismatic and social, the other more introverted but thoughtful and romantic. One is the higher earner, the other the financially savvy budgetter. In short you do not need to have the exact qualities you desire in a partner. I would continue to face your anxiety disorder through therapy or other coping mechanisms. Accepting that this disorder is a part of your life does not mean surrendering to it. And while it is entirely reasonable that you do not want to take on the burden of managing a partners anxiety disorder on top of your own, you need to ask yourself what burdens you would be willing to take on. Would you support them through a major illness? Would you co-parent a stepchild? Will you forgo keeping certain foods in the house to accommodate their food allergy? Everyone has issues. Everyone has flaws. Work to be the best version of yourself, and hopefully your partner will consider managing those issues a bargain.
That is not crazy to wish. I have a friend in my own life who found that rock. He’s her best friend and two high school sweethearts are going strong - nearly 5 years married! So it can happen I understand it might be hard to manage your anxiety, but I think you sell yourself short when you come forward with your weakness and nowhere in there did I hear you talk about your strengths! You still have a lot to offer because you’re a human, not a disorder Nwoknu! Look for someone that tries to understand you warts and all. With or without social anxiety, life is a lot harder if your partner is not looking out for you and isn’t trying to understand you. I hope you end up with the right partner, I can sense you are a smart person with a good head on her shoulders 😊
If you haven't heard it yet, you might really enjoy Bo Burnham's "Lower Your Expectations" - he addresses the very thing you were talking about with the list, though with a fair dose of humor.
Might wanna warn the lady that wearing pink to seem gentler is a bad plan. Might accidentally give people Umbridge vibes and I’m sure that would make her more frustrated.
The reason we don't get the "Guys, don't go out looking like that" is because we as a society care LESS about men, "Oh, you want to look like predatory bait? Sure get yourself reaped", but also because men tend to already have grown up with a "F*ck around, Find out" kind of mindset so guys already take precautions. If anything it is an equally big double standard that we usually think of men at harassers, but drunk women can be just a gropey in the bar, only it is far less called out. Why? Probably because men got themselves to blame, but we need to defend women, even if the only difference is the amount of physical power we can put in.
"Women are seen as bitches and men are seen as assertive" is a societal message I don't think a believe. There is a word: "Dick". You may have heard of it. It's like the word "bitch" but it's used to describe men
Have to pause the video and say that's bullshit when you say people dont shame men for using "trashy" clothes. Woman do that all the time. The fact is men dont wear shorts that show half butt cheeks. Or tops that show cleavage. But if you have one guy do any of that he will be ridiculed and judged from left to right.
This video was a rare miss, Jono. The first half of the video is subtle victim blaming for sexual assault victims. Not okay. I expected better of you. This video really upset me.
"It's the womens responsibility to be different and to change", Yeah, and? We tell the same to incels today. "Stop being a loser, go exercise, stop looking like a hobo", this is more about personal blindness than it is about societal norms.
"Sending out the wrong signals" may not be everything, but if you enjoy rubbing yourself in blood and going for a swim, don't yell at sharks for trying to bite you. Going to a bar and getting drunk to the point where you are no longer able to stave off someone having their way with you, you put yourself in that situation. There are a lot of ways to prevent this, including "just have a friend along to keep an eye on you", the less people blame others for their own choice off attire and choice to lose the ability to make sound decisions the sooner we can actually start to improve life for everyone, because predators can't strike if you work with a big group of people.
"if you didn't want her to use you for your money, you shouldn't have flaunted your nice stuff around," said no one ever. Blame is very much a one way street in our culture.
if someone is so drunk they are having trouble walking straight, they need sleep and passed out drunk medical attention. Going to a bar clothing drinking don't count as consent. I blame people who rape. Sober people dressed conservatively get raped too.
I love the "What does her list look like" clap back. So many times on dating sites guys will complain about how women are superficial because they are getting rejected by women 10-20 years their junior. "Age is just a number" is a flawed argument unless they're also messaging women 10-20 years older than themselves.
Or even women in their own age range.
If I’m too friendly men and women have misjudgment the signals. If I keep to myself, I’m then cold/distant . So I’ve learnt, you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you.
THIS!! People are just so annoying!!
In the end, only close people and you know your true self, a few strangers impressions won't change that fact.
same
I'll be friendly because that's just how I am. I don't care what people think.
"We hold - women in particular - responsible for the thoughts of men." Oof! That hits.
In my late teens and early twenties, the men who expressed interest in me were disproportionately terrible. Pushy, arrogant, entitled, condescending, and inclined to cross boundaries. I kept wondering, "What's wrong with me that I keep attracting these terrible men?"
Then I realized I was Ace.
Now everything makes sense. As an Ace person, I wasn't giving out the signals of wanting sex. So all the reasonable folks got the idea and let me be. The only people who would bother me would be the cis-het men who didn't give a damn about what I wanted. It was always their fault. Never mine.
So now I know how to tell the terrible men to get lost or else with a confidence that I deserve to set my boundaries.
My hope is that the millions of Ace and/or Aro folks around the world (some 1% - 5%) come to this realization.
Sadly, on the Ace/Aro online platforms that I frequent, so many people have internalized the idea that their asexuality, aromaticness, and queerness means they are inherently outsiders and should just be happy with whatever they can. I know of Ace, Aro, and other queer folks who have been disowned by their families, are survivors of perpetual sexual abuse, are losing their marriages, and facing the fear that they will never find the companionship they need.
But things are getting better for us. Videos like this remind us that other people's expectations and assumptions are not our fault. We don't have to burden ourselves with shame. We can learn to love ourselves.
As always, thank you Mended Light!
I have to admit, as an aroace person I'm always worried that me simply being nice/friendly to someone will be perceived as "flirting" or taking interest in them romantically because I've heard a lot of stories about this happening and it kind of happened to me once. I know it's not really under my control if people misinterpret things, but I also really don't want to send the wrong signals.
I agree with 95% of what you have said here, it's brilliantly written and so true.
I am going to be honest right here, if you're aroace, or even just ace, and you're losing your marriage that's because the other person has needs you're not able to fulfill and they're not selfish for realizing those needs and deciding to move on, it sucks, it sucks for everyone, but they're no more selfish for being sexual/romantic than you are selfish for being asexual/aromantic, which is neither is selfish at all.
The same thing happened to me and I only started to think about how it must’ve seemed from their point of view in the last week or so, today especially. I’m glad I know now so in the future I’ll know to just date another ace person or be alone but 10-15 years ago when I was dating in high school and college and didn’t know these things didn’t occur to me and I thought I was just going to eventually have to because “that’s what everyone does” (even though no one actually ever told me that) and I think it made me even worse than I already was at saying no and setting boundaries. My early boyfriends didn’t even ask or try anything but none of them lasted very long (though I have no idea to this day if that was why, I never thought of it before) but when I did finally do it I had a very different experience. It was like he thought once he was done waiting for me to be ready that my boundaries no longer mattered, even after I realized I was ace and was no longer trying to “fix the problem”. And as much as I know that not acting that way is just basic human decency, it made me want to thank my first ex for it and apologize for not realizing how he must’ve felt when I saw him again recently. But I didn’t because I feel like he would think I was a weirdo for saying all that in public or for even thinking that much about a 3 month relationship from 15 years ago, especially when I’m married now lol
Oh and I was just remembering today too a couple of creepy guys in high school who asked me out but those were the only two guys I said no to because weather they meant to come off that way or not, they were acting kind of obsessive and I knew something was off. I still get hit on at work sometimes but that’s never done in good taste so I don’t feel bad for those guys. lmao I don’t think I’m aro but it’s funny how even up until like this week I never thought about how other people actually already liked or were attracted to the people they dated as opposed to just saying yes to whoever asked and didn’t seem like a creep and only started developing feelings for them after that. I’m sure there’s a term for that but I don’t remember what it is. But yeah, that was my dumb ass, even in college when I met my husband 😂
So well said!
“People have to want to change themselves, it can’t be imposed from the outside” this line hit hard! Took me a long time to understand this.
Same... I kind of wish I found this video sooner. Though I'm not sure if I would have believed it back then... so glad I learned that lesson, even though it makes me cringe to look back...
People like to joke about online dating (including myself) but when handled the right way, it can be a wonderful way to get to know someone without physical first impressions. I met my husband online. We knew that we had some basic shared interests, goals, and values before we even met in person, so a lot of anxiety was alleviated, and we knew we weren't wasting our time with someone we might be initially attracted to, but with whom we wouldn't truly connect with.
A man telling a woman it's her fault he's horny because of what she's wearing is like telling me it's my fault he's fat because I'm eating a slice of cake.
My choices have absolute zero to do with other people's way of thinking.
Oh... THAT is a good one! (the fat guy remark, love it!)
Thank you! No matter what, sexual arousal is a FEELING and people are not responsible for other people's FEELINGS. People are accountable for their ACTIONS, such as when a predator assaults someone. I don't get why this is so hard for society to accept!
Nice 🤣
I kid you not, I was actually bullied by fat people for being able to eat food that they couldn't. They also saw me being significantly more active than them and instead of a penny drop, they made fun of me for that too.
When it comes to revealing clothes I must say that the media plays a big part on what type of style young women want to have. For example when I was little I grew up with a cartoon called Winx Club and I thought they look cool and pretty. I was seeing this style with innocent eyes so when I was old enough to wear what I want of course I wore what I wanted and those clothes had bright colors were thight and revealing. I saw myself as pretty, sexy too but I didn't think of it in a bad way like that I look cheap or too revealing because I saw it as fashionable and cool. But of course I met a lot of men who didn't take me seriously, who only wanted sex and a lot of looks from people I didn't want the attention of. So I started to wear more conservative and modest clothes because I didn't like the attention.
I hate that some men don't understand that women don't wear those type of clothes for them but for oneself. Maybe there are some women who like that type of attention but I bet that's not a lot and most of them are young and inexperienced.
Some women just like those clothes. Period. It's a shame you felt you had to change because older men were sexualizing you. Unfortunately, there's no uniform for being a sexual assault victim. You could be wearing anything; it doesn't matter. Because it's not about you; it's about the criminal who violated you. And I hate how this video accidentally comes across as victim blaming.
Crap my therapist said, “Well, if it was important to you, you would remember it” between an ADHD diagnosis and a much later DID diagnosis there could literally not have been a more false statement.
I laughed harder than I should have, I'm so sorry 😔😭😭
@@dimi5989 feel you, its so bad its turns funny in the worst of ways
wow, what an idiot . . .
Thanks for the vid! It would feel like such a slap in the face if a woman who had been assaulted, for example, were to hear something like that from a therapist.
When I learnt that women who dress conservatively and mind their own business still get sexually assaulted and raped, I started to realize that it wasn't something we, as women, were doing. And when I realized that people have different sexual orientations, and I've been in women's saunas and never really felt perved on, I started to realize more that people are responsible very much responsible for themselves, their thoughts and their actions. If we teach girls and women to be responsible, we should teach boys and men the same too. They're both people.
I think we'd all be less stressed about what others think about us if we realized they're usually not thinking about anyone else at all. As someone who befriended the (possibly) gay kid in 6th grade because even the teacher was trying to kill him I have to say I've never known a more loyal group and when I was 18 and didn't want to see the next day they played boardgames with me until the next day, babysat me all day while I slept, fed me, kept me going and attended for ages, all because I stood by my 6th grade friend (who had it worked out by 18) when he needed someone.
This is really well said! Reminds me a bit of another comment I remember seeing from a gay man that was like, when he changed in men's lockerooms he would keep his feelings to himself because it was the right thing to do. And then adding that with that there are me that claim 'it's the woman's fault' for their own sexual advances...he was like, nope that doesn't add up!
I'm from a country where most women are covered up (muslim-type covered). And they STILL get harassed and raped. The harasser doesn't care about who the woman is, what kind of personality they have, whether or not they'd "appreciate" a slap on the ass by a stranger, heck they can't even see the face, they'll harass knowing they won't be held responsible. I've heard allllll types of stories.
Moreover, I've been in circumstances where I've felt creeped out by women who are pervy (being a woman myself), and I'm not even saying that they were gay and hence actually had any interest that way. I've come to realize that its the mentality we promote to be normal AS A SOCIETY.
I've learned to really value people according to how they treat others.
I once saw a handsome guy being suuuper nice and approachable and helpful to a girl that he would never see as a love interest (so no ulterior motives for his helpfulness). I appreciated that so much.
Also I've seen guys avert their eyes instead of ogle at obviously beautiful women, to clearly show respect for the woman and also themselves so they don't embarass themselves.
Love it when men are raised right
@@sarasteege2265 I'm glad he shared that. And thanks for sharing!
@@freakychick1978 So glad you are both such good friends!
I mean, I once got told by a self defence teacher AT SCHOOL that I look like an easy target, and then used to demonstrate how NOT to "be".
I was so embarrassed and hurt and.. annoyed? I was 14 and being told by a teacher that the way I am (in a school setting) sends the message that it's okay to hurt me? Yikes.
What made me an easy target? I was being quiet and wrapping myself in my jacket because it was COLD. Again, this was at SCHOOL.
I am aware that this doesn't relate directly to the video, but I got this weird flashback and thought I'd share.
Also, my friends have told me when I walk places, I can look extremely unapproachable because I look confident. Which is fine, I guess? If my being confident is too intimidating, that's unfortunate, but not my problem.
Your comment is very relevant to the topic. It's about victim blaming, and women being told they are personally responsible for the way men choose to feel about their bodies.
wtf?!, it does relate to the vid a lot, thanks for sharing and that guy really fucked up in regards of people skils
Ymmv.
I grew up in a city where safety was not guaranteed. Body language is always your first line of defence.
It's not about being fair, it's about being safe.
You can see who's a potential victim from 100 meters away. Learning to present yourself in the correct way can save your life. And this is every bit as important for men as well as women. It's not gendered at all
Where the risks might be? Yeah, that's gendered.
I truly do appreciate that while they do both look at the camera or speak to the camera, about half the time they’re either attentively listening to and looking at each other or looking off to the side or so clearly thinking about what they’re saying. Such pleasant body language to see. It makes you both seem approachable, kind and intelligent (which I’m sure you both are)
The list story reminded me of a time when I worked in customer service taking phone calls. There were some guys in their early 20s in the aisle across from me and they were talking VERY LOUDLY about qualities they wanted in a woman. At first it was shallow stuff like, "she has to be blonde" and then morphed into stupid stuff like, "I want her to be loyal and obedient." I was thinking they either forgot to be born in the middle ages or the middle east, but a woman sitting next to me said, "Basically what they really want is a dog!" A few weeks later, we heard them yet again very loudly complaining about how they couldn't find a girl to be with in a long term relationship. I am very curious now as to what their list for a significant other would look like and how they would react to Jonathan's advice.
LOL@ 'they want a dog", so true (and sad).
Beggers can't be choosers and since these guys have absolutely nothng to offer a women would ever want (or need) they are the paupers/beggers in this setting.
I love the question of "What does her list look like?" Honestly, if your goal is to find your Gomez, you need to work on being Morticia. Love this channel.
I've had Morticia down for decades it's the guys who clearly didn't understand the assignment that I end up running from. Gomez is himself in every way and adores his family. What he isn't is a goth version of The Joker or something out of a horror movie. Too many guys don't understand that.
@@freakychick1978 Oh, no argument here. Gomez isn't an insecure jackass and I've heard that a well.
I wish you the best on finding your Gomez. Don't settle for less.
Awesome. Sound advice. When I was in my early 20s, I took some time to figure out my own values and what I wanted my life to look like. Then I thought about what kind of partner would want THAT life. I joined a dating site and "shopped" for partners, browsing around a bit. I found a few guys who made me laugh, but there was nothing beneath the surface. Then, I found a guy who I resonated with. We shared values, enjoyed writing to one another, actually discussed what our ideal futures looked like. When we finally met in person, the question was if we would "click"- would there be chemistry? I remember that when we finally relaxed and started being ourselves it was like that moment from the movie "Hook"- "There you are Peter!"
We've been married 19 years, have 3 kids of our own and have parented 5 others together. Life is SO good. Being particular is smart.
yeah I’d totally given up on dating cause the person that matched my list didn’t exist so just gonna have fun and be single and suddenly there was my perfect mate 🖤 (cause I’d learned to love me and deserved someone who matched my list)
I have a friend who is a therapist and when he was dating about a year ago we were speaking of people he was seeing. He was listing things he wanted to have in a partner and I had asked him, "Okay, so what do you provide for that person, if those are your expectations of them?" And his face was that of surprise since he hadn't considered what someone else would want of a partner and if he fit the criteria. I think it's easy to go on about what WE want from others, but rarely consider what we're offering and/or what we're not offering.
I’ve found that a good way to build your “list” is to do a “5&5”. 5 must-have traits, and 5 dealbreakers. And then you have to meet your own list.
Coming here from Cinema therapy I am falling for the "Keep watching and..." in the end every time because my head continues with ".. watch movies" every time.
What you say at 7:47 made me gasp because I had JUST said out loud, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” which is a quote from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower!
I think we should mind our Signals, but even more important: We should stop judging people by their looks! Why can't you wear pink and pastel & be a badazz? Why can't you look manly but be soft and warm? Stop judging others mostly based I their looks! If you're looking for a personal trainer / life coach / whatever 》Ask them how they work! Don't suggest! 🙈
And if s.o. likes wearing less fabric 》 Don't assume they're a wh*** or don't want a serious relationship! It's okay to want both and you can get both!
And if sth. Actually is a wh*** 》Let them! It's OK, as long as they're happy and not endangering others!
I don't know that this is possible because a lot of judgments are subconscious.
@@gregariagirl Correct! That's why I'm not saying we can't have assumptions. We can (we always will) but we have to be aware that things can be different than we expect. That people can be different than we first think. We should be aware of the fact that first impressions aren't everything!
Tattoos don't make you an unfriendly untrustworthy bank clerk or childcare worker.
Just as not having tattoos doesn't make you a friendly trustworthy blank clerk and childcare worker 🙈
So for dating for example: If you think someone is looking for Sex: Ask them! Or of you think someone is looking for a serious long term relationship: Ask them! But never be rude of course 😉 Be aware of personal space physically & psychological.
I had a therapist who would always say I can turn your emotions on and off like a light switch.
yuck
I don't think it matters so much who is attracted to you. It matters who you find attractive (and why). So if you find yourself drawn to people who are not treating you well, you need to do some internal work and ask yourself why. Side note: I think Alicia is being extra playful today because she is channeling her inner Prince. (Purple Rain, Purple Rain)
My mom used to say this to me but I dress very conservatively and she dress very provocatively. So I was troubled by double standard.
I always learn something new with you. Today feels like the "thank you" gif.
I agree so much with this! I used to blame myself for attracting abusive people and as "punishment" accepted their behaviour.
😢💔
@@lilinectar29 it's okei I did therapy and watched a lot of cinema therapy videos and now I'm in a wonderfull relationship :)
I heard "do more sports/work out more", when I told them about my (back then unidentified) PTSD symptoms.
That was back when I was working out 3 times a week. When I told her that, her reaction was: "Well... then just work out more"
We accept the love we think we deserve. - The Perks of Being a Wallflower (movie can't remember if it's in the book)
Best sh*t my last therapist said before I dumped his ass :
- there was this guy with whom things were goîng pretty smooth and I told him like a thousand times very clearly that I wasn't interrested in anxthing casual and he clearly aknowledged it and we grew intimate and only after having had what he wanted did he tell me he wasn't ready for a relationship
- you know I'm telling this as an old dude but guys have their urges and hormones and they're alwaxys gonna try so what else could you do to prevent this from happening?
- you mean, what could I have done to control this guy so he didn't overstepped boundaries clearly stated and lie to my face to get his way?
- it happens to you far more than to my other clients. you have a repetition schema!
Well I'm certainly not gonna pay a dude to listen to him making me responsible for "men's physical urges" and detrimentally comparing me to other women. Been there, done that. For free,
Oh god that video's good. I needed that so much.
Wtf, he's just making his own gender sound like dumb cavemen who can't control their urges because it's in their dna and they only think with their dick, what a moron. Hope you found a better therapist if you were looking for one!
I love you described it as dumping your therapist
Alicia has great input; I just wish she would direct her commentary to the audience and make that connection.
You mean the way she keeps looking at the camera between looking at him?
Came for the content, stayed because of how sweet you are to each other :) very calming to watch
It is very refreshing to hear someone sharing my "yes sometimes you might be". (Though I also add "but that isn't always your fault or problem. And it is rarely a strong, valid excuse for others")
I often look and sound differently than I think I am, or at least, come across that way to many people that have not learned to see properly.
(One of my favoriete all time interactions was an old granny goin "oh dear, you couldn't look threatening if you wanted to, you are WAY to adorable for that!"), so have been aware all my adult life that looks influence perception. And perception determines opinion.
And as a culture/society we also have a set of visual or behavioural communications. I don't go around spitting in people's eyes and wondering why no-one likes me.
Love this video. Generally, there are double standards against both women and men. I believe we do gotta be self-aware, first and foremost and try to get our intentions to align with our actions and words as well as people being responsible for themselves and not blame and to not focus on blaming even when someone may be at fault. Wanting a casual or serious relationship are both 100% valid as long as the people you are interested in are on the same page so that it is mutual and fair
I have a bad history of attracting obsessive stalker types, the kinds that see me in the street and then find a way to worm themselves into my life and try to control me. Not sure if it is something I project or all on them but the result was I decided to just be single rather than waiting for the shoe to drop each time I start dating.
I just would like to say thank you cause we're expecting family attempting to flee here from war. And that'll ofcourse come with some chaos and thus I'm already seeing what lessons I'll be getting to apply very soon. And it actually feels kind of safer psychologically to know that I can walk into the CinemaTherapy discord any time and express myself and my feelings and lend someone's ear (well.... eyes?) to help myself process stuff and maybe double check different perspectives with others. It's like having a "group therapy room" type of place. 🙏
Good luck, and hope your family is safe.
@@lyndsaybrown8471 I hope you're safe too.
This video hit me at an itching place. I do not want to give a “dislike” but I hope this will be considered as constructive criticism. It would have been better to keep the video more focused on what society firstly means “the wrong signals” and how we internalise it, and at the end we live a life that is not ours. Because, really if I did not trust you, I would just shut the video down. Going to the clubs, wearing revealing clothes etc. are not the reason you do not find the “right” person. Just like wearing conservative clothes does not guarantee you finding the “right” one. I think the latter bit was not discussed at all. You may buy into conservative gender roles, lifestyles in the hopes that you will create a happy family but end up in an abusive relationship or a just emotionally lacking one. And having a more “marginal” lifestyle does not mean you can only have polyamorous and superficial relationships. I am glad you stressed out integrity and risking “oneliness for the sake of being true to one's self later on. But I think you can be more inclusive in regards to different lifestyles. And that would help a lot of people to understand the risks of projecting society's expectations on themselves (especially onto their emotional needs) and find ways to break out of living the shadows of what they perceive as how they should behave. Either be it conservative or not so conservative. Such as, you may grow up into a liberal family and believe that a woman's career should come first, but in fact you are more of a nurturing person and would enjoy raising a family and be more active in the domestic roles. Or you may come from a conservative family and believe it is your duty to become a mother but you actually do not want kids. And this internal conflict may be the reason you are giving the wrong signals or projecting on others your expectations from yourself. That does not mean you need to “convert” to being a conservative or liberal. It means you need to own your perspective, and be yourself. I think most of the wrong or mixed signals come from this. The expectations we learnt comply but do not fit us.
I feel like what your saying is what they're saying, so what are you so triggered by?
@@kodidane5824 thanks, your comment made me rewatch the video and understand better why i love this channell and why i wrote the comment that i did. i think i felt threatened in the terms of life style and also the examples of my friends from different life times. i just wish that they empasized our shared point of views more. thanks btw. it helps a lot to see beyond what i assumed. :)
@@kodidane5824 in the video, they actually express an extremely socially conservative, judgemental view towards women's lifestyle choices. They imply that if you look and act "a certain way," you can never find romantic fulfillment.
"Just be yourself." ARGH!!!!
yeah, be yourself ... *starts sweating in authism*
You are responsible for your actions, but you are not responsible for the actions of others. I feel like that needs to be said, because many times the first part gets said but the second isn't even implied, or worse the inverse is implied.
Jonathan, I love how you flirt with Alicia. Alicia, I love how you encourage him.
The way he looked at her @ 1:12 made me chuckle 😆
Men have said to me, "Women are materialistic. They just want free dinners." If I, a woman, invite you to dinner--I expect to pay. The host pays. Because they want to. No obligation.
"Women are only interested in bad boys." Most women are looking for someone *interesting*, not anti-social or irresponsible. Read, volunteer, travel; be able to share something insightful.
"Women are stuck up. The don't date guys my height/age/ income level. Their standards are too high." If a guy is well-groomed (clean hair, fresh breath, clean clothes), has enough income to be self-reliant, and has read a book recently--I will absolutely have a conversation and see where it goes!
If women you meet really are selfish, rude, shallow, or frigid--you don't want a woman like that anyway! That's not a 'rejection', that's a lucky escape 😊
I don't like tropes, but they make it easier to explain: When I let go of my girly-girl style that I never liked (I'm a Tomboy) people immediately took me a lot more seriously. At work, I'm the one no one messes up with. It was a stupid and shocking realisation for me. Because all I did was cutting my hair and leave my dresses out of the office. My words, my behaviour have always been the same. But the girly-girl image was backfiring on me. Once I became faithful to myself and cut my hair really short, to give it a try, I loved both the look and the social reaction! I felt I was being seen, heard and respected. And I'm keeping my hair short! I cannot afford losing my "social rights" (sad but true).
@Blueberry B " Women were much more comfortable with me" - You're so lucky! In my case, I'm seen as both a strong woman (which is good) and a competitor (sadly...). I've already suffered some consequence of this by a woman. "Then i got men who would ask me if i wore different clothes (dresses or lacy stuff) and if i was ever going to grow my hair." - True. Unfortunately, and it has been like this for ages, men see our "Tomboy" image as something to overcome. We are expected to grow up from this and "mature". This is ridiculous. We are mature! We are strong. We know what we want and especially what we don't want. Men need to catch up with us. :) Keep being who you are, respect yourself and your boundaries. Keep shining YOUR light! Wishing all the best to you!
I've heard from a psychologist "did you say "no"enough?" when I was complaining about a guy's behavior the weekend before. The actual weekend wasn't traumatic at all, but the session made me quit therapy.
Casual and committed relationships…. Some of us can’t have either.
This video popped up in my suggestions after I binge watched cinema therapy videos and as interested as I am in the content I have to admit that I am absolutely distracted by your wife. She is IN.CRE.DI.BLY GORGEOUS! STUNNING! My goodness! Your wife should be painted or sculpted. 😍😍😍😍😍
My therapist said, "Ya gotta hunt where the bucks are." lol! And he's not wrong ;-)
I have a partner I love and is exactly who I want. But I'm still watching this because I seem to still get into situations where people I am NOT hitting on seem to think I am.
And it's made people around me seem to come to the conclusion I'm a flirt or easy or a cheater. Which is extremely awful. I'm not some morally bankrupt person, who is just going to sleep with literally anyone. I love my husband. And I respect others.
I'm not saying someone who cheats is automatically evil or a monster, but it is something that's a big deal and very hurtful, and the fact so many think I would just be so blase and disrespectful, especially to my husband whom I adore, is very upsetting to me.
So, yeah. I have issues socially. I'm super anxious and Autistic. It's my biggest weakness.
But, according to many, even though I do not care nor do I agree with them regarding my looks, I am told I'm "conventionally" pretty. I have no control over that. I rarely wear makeup and often dress like a teenage boy. In fact, I think I do so to discourage attention.
Attention to me is often scary feeling. I don't mind having a nice conversation and making a new friend. But life of the party, I am not.
I suspect they think I'm trying too hard to be the "manic pixie dream girl" and my oddness is an act for attention or to be coy. It definitely is not. I get a lot of "Wow you're weird" often followed up by "But you don't LOOK Autistic." 🙄
I suck at masking. I'm terrible at reading people. I stopped trying to appear neurotypical when I was still a kid. Because it was so hard it caused me trauma. A long time ago I just decided it was better to be me than try to be what people wanted or expected. And I still believe that. But people still think I'm this dishonest, slimy person (which is odd, because they often tell me I'm too blunt. Which is true. I'm a terrible liar. And I have no guile. Though I do care a lot about people's feelings and will try to be polite or kind about it. You'd think they'd catch on to the lack of logic in their assessment of who I am, but 🤷♀️)
I've tried learning how to put out "leave me alone" vibes, but THEN people accuse me of being a snob and rude. I hate the idea of hurting people's feelings. I try to treat others how I want to be treated. And I usually want to be treated like a friend.
When people think I'm sending "sexy" signals, what I've been talking about are subjects like: Awful but fun B movies with killer bugs, card games, sushi, music I like, Crime (I studied Criminology), historical stuff I find interesting, my kids, my husband. Just to name a few. The subject matter has never been remotely sexy or sexual. When I hit on someone I'm usually extremely clear and blunt. (It's one of the things my husband likes about me, because he doesn't have to guess if I'm "in the mood" lol)
Some have pointed out that my actions (my body language? I guess?) do not match my words. So people automatically think I'm being deceptive or coy. My actions (as in decisions) in life absolutely match my words. I make mistakes sometimes, but minor ones. I don't live a hypocritical life where I say my values are this and then I do the opposite, for example. So it must be the body language they are referring to.
I'm not hanging on people, getting close, nor do I touch them (I hate being touched. Not a hugger, fir example). So that's not the issue.
I'm not sure how to fix this. Because I'm definitely NOT hitting on these people. I'm NOT being deceptive. I'm literally diagnosed Autistic. It's not like I'm confused about that, either. I'm not self diagnosing because of some pop psy thing I read and then jumped to conclusions. I have neurological problems understanding body language and apparently expressing myself through my own. That is a literall scientific fact. But if I just say, "Oh, I'm Autistic, sorry." It sounds like an excuse. And they're likely to see it as such, and I'll just seem like, again, some "choose me" girl trying to be "quirky" for attention.
I've tried to find ways to improve my skill level on this, but everything I find is just "You should be proud! Don't mask! Be yourself!" Look, I'm not hating on myself. I like that I see things maybe in a different way. The world needs diversity, especially in the way we think. I get that. But I really hate the feeling of almost everyone I have ANY conversation with treating me like a bad person. It's becoming painful.
It's even effected my marriage sometimes, because of people treating my husband badly, telling him he's a sucker because his wife is a floozy. He knows I'm not, but it's definitely not a great experience for him to be treated like that. And it's embarrassing for both of us.
It's gotten to the point I don't want to leave my house or interact with anyone, ever.
Sorry this is long and rambley. I guess I'm just kinda desperate for advice at this point.
Ok, here's some advice from another autistic "manic pixie dream girl" - also diagnosed long before the fad.
The reason people believe you flirt is because you're straightforward. That's it. When you're excited by a conversation, it shows. If you're a tad bit like I am, you ooze a "teach me everything sensei!" vibe when you're into the topic you're discussing and people confuse your genuine eager attention for a flirty move. Especially people who are not used to have such positive attention. Insecure people.
Second part of the advice : not everything is about your communication deficits. I repeat : not everything is about your communication deficits. Non-autistic people also confuse simple non hostile attention for flirt. They also struggle to connect with others and interpret intentions. That's the whole point of these video series.
In my opinion, what makes you vulnerable RN isn't your autism but the fact that because you're used to be the faulty link with your communication deficits, you're taking on everything that's said to you. Don't. Not everything you're told is true. You're not always the culprit. I suspect this time you're not. Hint round this : who the hell insults your husband on the behalf of your supposed behaviour (that's an insult to you also!) and is still allowed to be around both of you? That person, or these persons, are abusing you.
So there would be my advice in a nutshell :
- you can't please everyone and you can't change people's opinion of you. Accept that there will be people shitting on you whatever you do or say. Don't pay attention to them, pay attention to those who value you - they won't believe the messed up image of you the former convey.
- not everything is because of your autism
- you need to prioritize identifying abusive behaviour and not taking on the abuse - for example, believing you're necessarily the defective one. This makes you vulnerable, far more than your autism
- don't give up on your social life altogether, learn to protect yourself and your relatives and enjoy life
I agree with Morayner here, 100%!
Unfortunately, I don't have anything of substance to add, but I will say that I identify with what you are experiencing in a couple of ways. I, too, like to treat people the way I want to be treated and I have been told COUNTLESS times that I'm "such a good listener" or, like, people are surprised I'm actually interested in their life. I'm not interested in them romantically, I am just curious about the world and other people's experiences. I'm also friendly and willing to talk to just about everyone (for the very same reason)....it's really, really unfortunate just how many people seem to lack that attention and then latch on because they think you are sending them "signals" of interest.
In fact, I have an old coworker friend that I'm friends with but have to intentionally keep at a distance because he is married but acts very much interested in me. Maybe I'm making the same assumptions about him, but then again he does other things that are behind friendly, in my opinion (like saving messages from me).
Anyway, I just want to say I feel for you and I'm sorry you (and your husband) have received such judgement.
I don't know if you can help it but it sounds like you're around the wrong people. People with basic manners and who treat others with kindness and respect aren't people who constant express judgement on others like it sounds like the people you're around.
The people you're describing sound catty and gossipy and immature and not focused on improving their own situations and lives because they're wasting time criticizing, fault finding and gossipping about others.
These don't sound like positive, mature, good people to have in one's life. If it's possible to do so, distance yourself and find better people and or at least limit exposure to people like this.
I'd add that
- if you know your worth (morally speaking) you don't have to prove yourself to anyone
- the problem you're facing is really common, not only for autistic women but tends to take horrendous proportions with us so you can at least cheer up to the fact that you're not alone in this
- if you're as dorky as I am it adds to the difficulty... I mean I just finished building a mechanical keyboard, I know how to make a dual boot and I'm all about indie games... I mean, as a girl, just befriending nerd boys is a pain in the ass as they tend to be socialized to be huge jerks (and not even believe in your mere existence...) I want me a sweet dorky boy that'll be into gaming, tinkering AND respecting women, but that seems to be the Mary Poppins male version... I'm glad for you that you found your husband!
I wish I could heart this because you sound almost exactly like me and have similar experiences. Both my ex boyfriends said I look like the type to cheat,which is disgusting and untrue. One of them was actually the cheater and abuser. I have to hold myself back because people think I'm weird ,but because I'm pretty I'm just quirky. I think one thing different is I love hugs! Not getting hugs actually makes me sad. There are a bunch of other things but my phone is making it hard to type and it's annoying me. Lol
Learning that just because my boyfriend wasn't bad to me didn't mean he was good to me either
Needed a fresh perspective- I've been alone for good 2 years again - been doing alotttttt of personal development work-- like you mention know your boundaries of tolerate and all -- the worth part is very highly difficult-- unsure what I want in a partner as tryna find what I wanna be first -- inhave vague ideas but yah LOL thanks for this 💕
I agree what you two are saying on the main points. I cannot make anyone, nor any guy, to change when it comes to dating. I been paying attention on actions with his words, and if they don't align then it will be a painful long road. Hence why I do try to end it which I usually end up doing the hard part or if it was a one-time then I'll know if it will continue or not. Sometimes it is obvious and sometimes the guy shown no interest. Given I've made mistakes too, so not saying it's only the guy to blame. And I agree about don't settle for less, ever.
And I don't want to fix any guy, and I been trying to be myself but seems like it's not enough. To be frankly honest, despite I been born in the Google age, I didn't grow up with a cellphone until my teens and back then texting didn't exist until later on. I'm a introvert but I prefer in person more then these forms of social media. I understand how helpful they are when used for good but I also seen the destructive side too.
This digital age can be too much for me and it ruined some of the relationships I had. I barely have any social media and I avoid dating apps like the plague. It's so difficult to find honest, transparent men who have similarities with core beliefs and values while it matches their actions. This is vice versa for women too.
Trying to find a long-term relationship is difficult. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but it has not been easy for myself. And yes, I been blamed before because I am a woman. Usually it comes from my own peers, however I had some men but it was very rare for my life experiences.
I must be the problem as well.. Even though I can ONLY improve myself. I'll continue to be myself with improvement, and high awareness. I did recently wish my ex-boyfriend the best for his health, happiness, and healing. I hope he finds that woman he truly desires because I know it was not me...
Again you two make great videos and keep up the good work.
Faux question for a point: How do you on sight or first meeting tell the difference between someone who is elevating themselves to be with you and someone who is someone who's faking it to use you? My point is, as a woman, I was taught that it's the same person, and it's not. In other words, the particular guy is either a gentleman or a jerk, solely depending on me. I think it bears pointing out that when we see men (or women) owning who they are, a jerk is a jerk and a gentleman is a gentleman. They may both act the same for a while (with or without a woman's presence), however there is nothing a woman can do to make the jerk be a gentlemen, not even if she spoke, dressed and breathed like someone who'd never heard of sex, and nossir, no hand holding until the 8th date. Her behavior doesn't change a jerk, and her behavior is not going to change a gentleman either. Women aren't magical beings who by the way we think, dress or breathe can control men or any other human being. Assigning that magic to us, steals accountability from men, and frankly makes men look like dupes. They're not. It's easy to twist the good idea that a man elevates himself for the woman (or vice versa). When a gentleman does this, it's because he sees something in himself he wants to improve on. Maybe something he did made her smile and he wants more of that, so he does it. A jerk can use the same words, take the same actions, and we can fall for it. The only difference I can see is time. It can be a bar, a church or a library or the produce section of your grocery store. Jerks and gentlemen don't change their core personalities based on location, what you wear or the, "Airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow." People are people. When it's hard to see gentlemen or kindness in the world in general, it helps me to write down every time someone is kind to me. It doesn't lessen the jerks. It reminds me there is good too.
I saw tongue out and immediately felt a sense of home lol
That life coach he's talking about... Is that professor Umbridge? 🤣
"Men are never expected to be responsible for the actions and behaviours of women", It may not be in the same way you think, but the wording makes it all too easy to just say "Look at certain religion" or even some personal biased stories where women act as if I should be held responsible for their choices, and often men feel the need to protect women from their choices.
I myself was thinking about the numerous times my mom would be mad and people would ask my stepdad what did HE do. I mean neither person was a healthy example of a human but my mother had unrealistic expectations and acted out when they weren't met, while my stepfather was always to blame for her vindictive behavior. It's the rational between the "Happy wife, happy life" mantra.
Great advice, I've learned alot from you guys as always. Thank you both!
I always fall for friends and the ones I talked to about it all ghosted me afterwards and besides that I have never had a man hit ok me, ask me out, seek me out etc. My assumption is I will just be alone for good and there is nothing more I can say or do.
I am too afraid of how I would react if another friend were to ghost me because I "care too much" about them so I just leave the feelings be until they fizzle out.
My therapist wants me to put myself out there and wants me to try and make more friends on dating apps but this is completely not my nature. I prefer meeting people naturally, observing them in a group setting before even contemplating seeing or being with them in a one on one situation friend or not.
People who push themselves into a one on one situation too soon for me always make me uncomfortable.
@6:49 learned that the hard way too!
“I’m not saying it, your mom is.” Yup. So accurate! Hahahaha!
I dress femininely and I'm a lesbian. Do I attract men? Yes. But do I do this for them? No. Is this giving the wrong signal?
It is terrible that women are made to feel responsible for the thoughts and actions of men. This is something I've been fighting against ever since I've been able to recognize it. I've always been on the line of don't blame me, because you find me attractive. Appreciate me and move on.
Unfortunately it does tend to be the cocky arrogant people who are willing to put themselves out there and hit on others. When I 1st started dating I was basically told it was inappropriate for me to ask out guys. I wasn't even allowed to call guys. It wasn't appropriate.
I think women should be more empowered to ask out the men they find attractive versus waiting for the man to approach them. This way you're more likely to get men that you actually like because you specifically picked them.
my therapist said to me once (because I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, got r twice in my life and mugged), that maybe I'm giving off vibes of a naive and helpless person and people see that. I think about that a lot.
Yes that is possible. There was an experiment. Sociopaths that were in prison were shown people going in a hallway. I think they obscured the faces of the test subjects - these were really dangerous criminals. The sociopaths were asked to identify targets. And among the test persons there were people that had been mugged. And the sociopaths found them (the test subjects had no visibly disability, or limp or injury). It was something about moving in an asymetric manner, how they moved the arms when they walked.
And of course being worn down at home in an abusive relationship can show up in your body language and criminals in search of an easy target will notice.
Hey! Your singing voice is not too shabby Jono! Do you karaoke?
The reason Men are not judged for being promiscuous by how they dress is because a man can be dressed as a classy gentleman and still be a total player or jerk. If there was a consistent way promiscuous men dressed, than we would judge men for going out "dressed like that".
However, we do judge men for the way they dress, but for other reasons. Just picture the following a "slob", "thug", "low-life" or "grandpa".
Like it or not, the way one looks and dresses is the 1st thing people notice. It does speak a lot about them, how they portray themselvesand what's important to them. It's like a resume that either gets one an interview, needs further screening or instantly disqualified.
When dating online, I will not respond to people who post pictures with a grumpy look on their face. If that's the image they're putting out to the world, I'm not interested in being your life partner.
No matter how good looking and well dressed someone is, if their words and actions don't match up, it's a done deal.
I'm 3 minutes in and again, I love this video! Like I love this channel. I'd love to have you as my therapist. Shame you're across the Atlantic and then some. Well, at least I've got these videos ;)
Best team ever!!!
It's time to stop blaming nice, kind people for having trashy individuals want them. Everybody wants nice people and nice things.
"Not everyone is honest"
Au contraire, *nobody* is honest.
Lends itself to the oldest self-refuting statement: "I said in my haste, all men are liars"
This is what I hate about society throughout history,it sucks women do get blame for almost everything for guys behavior and that's mind blowing 🤯! I'm so sick of it, that's why I dress the way I want comfy clothes cargo shorts and t-shirts or polos!! I've had guys say they are attractive but xyz about me and the way I dress! I've also had comments of my body type and Mt personality- I'm independent hard working 2 jobs and like working out with weights not body builder look but I want muscles on my arms and not to toned either but buff!
"There's never a dynamic where men are responsible for the actions and behaviors of women."??? Uhm, yes there is. I feel like, very often, when a relationship breaks, it is often seen as the mans fault. The woman cheats, because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. She is manipulative? Well, he probably wasn't easy to live with. She's abusive? He should have just stayed in line/He probably deserved it.
I'm not saying that your observations aren't the norm, and by no means that you are generally incorrect, but to say the dynamic is never reversed seems a bit too shortsighted to me.
This is out of topic but I would really like to see your view, as a therapist, on polyamorous relationships. Although I don't subscribe to it, I've seen more and more people choosing this model nowadays and I'm really curious on where they are coming from and does it ever work on the long term.
Most of the comments are women acknowledging the truthful injustice (which adds no solutions to the problems) or noting an additional complaint against a situation (online dating) or crap guys say and do. And they are mostly inerrant.
To turn it back to the video’s comments: behaviors speak louder than words and at least have to match. Having been a therapist to many a young guy and girl - and some elderly ones - this is missing in both streams of consciousness. As was discussed in the video, it’s a more “universal” problem that people expect others to behave according to desired expectations while being given the grace of acting between hypocritical to profoundly incompetent yet believe they should be allowed to do so.
Also, as she said, one of the hardest things to help in this situation is an accurate and thorough self evaluation. And I cannot begin to stress the number of guys and girls who say: ‘I did that, and I’m good, there’s just no one out there,’ or ‘I did, I know I have some things to work on [that I have no intention of actually spending the dozens to hundreds of hours to self correct just 1 or 2 things of the half a dozen needed], but there is no one out there.’
Find a brutally honest friend, find a therapist who will ask pointed questions, heck, find a philosopher who has no qualms about shredding your behaviors with 100 “but why’s” so you can finally put words to the reasons behind your poor emotional choices or terribly poor rationalizations and then you’ll be on the right track.
I would have told the guy with the list, that the things he wants are opposite to eachother.
2:39 I disagree. If a woman attacks a man physically, like slapping him in the face, people will often assume that he did something wrong and that she had the right to react that way.
I am aparently catnip for people who want to be unhappy . . . like it is rediculous how often I lost friends and potential ones over them making a move on me despite me being very transparent about being aro ace . . .
I needed this
Great video!
there are many good thoughts in this video! but i feel like it's a bit bad structured and therefore the message gets muddeled and isn't as clear as it should be on that topic.
yes, you can create an environment and interact with people in a way, that will improve your chances of getting to know a person, that you like (e.g. going in a fitness studio and speaking to people there, will give you a higher chance of meeting a sportive person.) and you should use this.
but what people you attract isn't only dependend on you, but also on the other person.
and there is NO signifier in the world that says "i want to be raped".
i think all of these thoughts are there in your video, but they don't really come across strongly.
i have been having this annoying issue lately(the last 3 years) of guys wanting to cheat on their wives or girlfriends with me, and i always say no and don't tolerate it, and i am perfectly happy being alone, but it got me thinking, what signals am i giving off that i am apparently okay with being the other woman? or do they know i am going to say no and they are gluttons for punishment or something? i dress between preppy and athleasure, i am pretty low maintenance, but can doll up every once in a while. i have plenty of hobbies that don't include being in a relationship to do them. i have the attitude with children and marriage of go-with-the-flow, if it happens cool, if it doesn't happen, also cool. my major priorities are my mom's health/safety and my own financial security and i won't settle for someone who will treat me like trash. so again, is there a reason these assholes are coming to me to be the other woman, when i will never be desperate enough to do so? is it just a thing that happens to single women in their thirties because of stupid stereotypes about the biological clock desperation and they think time is running out for me when i actually could care less? that is the only thing i am coming up with atm:/
Maybe you are approachable / not scary and that is why they dare to hit on you. Would you want me to tell your wife would scare the shit out of them ....
@@franziskani lol, right?!XD
As a badge bunny…lol called out 🤣
🖤💙🖤🐰 here badge badge badge 🙃 lol jk I know y’all wouldn’t announce on the internet
Earlier you said we need to either become that person or lower the standards and accept it. But then you said do not settle for less. Isn't it contradicting in some way?
"There's never a dynamic where men are responsible for the actions of women"
Say WHAT? You hit a boy because you pinned him down and your mother said that there probably was a good reason for you doing so. You don't think that mentality sometimes continues into adulthood?
And except the realm of violence; you've NEVER heard 'Just do it! He deserves to feel bad'?
If personal experience was fact, I could've proven you wrong.
But I can't - Just disagree
I think a girl who is wearing revealing clothes and goes out to bars can be someone who would look for a serious relationship too. ofc she may not find many serious men there, but that's not her fault... she doesn't need to start dressing modestly and stop going to bars. ofc she can find the right man somewhere else but it's not like she has to make a choice between finding the right man and wearing revealing clothing/going to bars
I got a question about the "You need to be the kind of person you want to attract" part
What if you want your partner to complement you/balance out your weakness(es)?
For example: I have social anxiety disorder, which I have no clue yet how to overcome, as even exposure and therapy seems to not make a difference
So it would be nice if my hypothetical partner did not have those issues, as it would probably suck doubly for us
Thus a partner without those issues - maybe even more than average confidence or calmness when dealing with people - seems to be ideal
Does this now become an impossible wish, as I would have to become that person myself first? (which then would no longer "need" such a partner)
Or is "kind of person" more like: "Your partner brings your relationship confidence, so you have to also give something of equal value" ?
I don't think it's too much to ask for something like that. Of course you want to be with someone that balances you out, as long as you're not treating them like a crutch or an excuse to stop working on yourself. You shouldn't date someone because you NEED them, but because you like them and enjoy their company. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't a caretaker. Just a companion. I think, in the video, they meant that you shouldn't make IMPOSSIBLE demands on a partner (like the Mary Poppins/Wonder Woman scenario) and that we should be aware that the people that we're attracted to also have valid hopes and dreams for their own future relationships as well. It's probably true that you would be happier with a very calm, very understanding partner, but it would be disrespectful to DEMAND those qualities from them if you weren't willing to be understanding or accommodating when THEY were having troubles, too.
It's important to remember that equal does not always mean same.
A great example of an unequal (and unrealistic) relationship is a celebrity crush. The young, beautiful, rich, famous, talented, philanthropic celebrity is not going to end up with the overweight single-parent who works minimum wage and spends weekends eating ice cream and watching Netflix. That's not to say the second person isn't wonderful and doesn't have value, but they are not equal. Where would these two meet? How would they go on a date? The paparazzi would eat them alive.
Now an equal couple may have two people who are very similar (ex: celebrity power couple), or two complimentary people who bring equal value. One may be naturally beautiful, the other may be a bit plain but works out and dresses well. One very charismatic and social, the other more introverted but thoughtful and romantic. One is the higher earner, the other the financially savvy budgetter. In short you do not need to have the exact qualities you desire in a partner.
I would continue to face your anxiety disorder through therapy or other coping mechanisms. Accepting that this disorder is a part of your life does not mean surrendering to it. And while it is entirely reasonable that you do not want to take on the burden of managing a partners anxiety disorder on top of your own, you need to ask yourself what burdens you would be willing to take on. Would you support them through a major illness? Would you co-parent a stepchild? Will you forgo keeping certain foods in the house to accommodate their food allergy?
Everyone has issues. Everyone has flaws. Work to be the best version of yourself, and hopefully your partner will consider managing those issues a bargain.
That is not crazy to wish. I have a friend in my own life who found that rock. He’s her best friend and two high school sweethearts are going strong - nearly 5 years married! So it can happen
I understand it might be hard to manage your anxiety, but I think you sell yourself short when you come forward with your weakness and nowhere in there did I hear you talk about your strengths! You still have a lot to offer because you’re a human, not a disorder Nwoknu! Look for someone that tries to understand you warts and all. With or without social anxiety, life is a lot harder if your partner is not looking out for you and isn’t trying to understand you. I hope you end up with the right partner, I can sense you are a smart person with a good head on her shoulders 😊
If you haven't heard it yet, you might really enjoy Bo Burnham's "Lower Your Expectations" - he addresses the very thing you were talking about with the list, though with a fair dose of humor.
I can't afford to dress in clothes that would attract the kind of person I like 😂
Might wanna warn the lady that wearing pink to seem gentler is a bad plan. Might accidentally give people Umbridge vibes and I’m sure that would make her more frustrated.
I’m guessing this is the wifey? Beautiful.
Tough as nails
The reason we don't get the "Guys, don't go out looking like that" is because we as a society care LESS about men, "Oh, you want to look like predatory bait? Sure get yourself reaped", but also because men tend to already have grown up with a "F*ck around, Find out" kind of mindset so guys already take precautions. If anything it is an equally big double standard that we usually think of men at harassers, but drunk women can be just a gropey in the bar, only it is far less called out. Why? Probably because men got themselves to blame, but we need to defend women, even if the only difference is the amount of physical power we can put in.
Listening on headphones. The sound effects are too loud compared to the talking
Wait, so you're saying that I can find someone who's close to the person I am andd be actually attractive to them?
Yeah, but where do you find a good man?
Amazon
Probably in the friendzone
"Women are seen as bitches and men are seen as assertive" is a societal message I don't think a believe. There is a word: "Dick". You may have heard of it. It's like the word "bitch" but it's used to describe men
2:16
You are sooo cute!
❤️
Ridiculous conversation, men and women are fundamentally different, we all know it, roles are being confused to cause even more confusion
Have to pause the video and say that's bullshit when you say people dont shame men for using "trashy" clothes. Woman do that all the time. The fact is men dont wear shorts that show half butt cheeks. Or tops that show cleavage. But if you have one guy do any of that he will be ridiculed and judged from left to right.
This video was a rare miss, Jono. The first half of the video is subtle victim blaming for sexual assault victims. Not okay. I expected better of you. This video really upset me.
"It's the womens responsibility to be different and to change", Yeah, and? We tell the same to incels today. "Stop being a loser, go exercise, stop looking like a hobo", this is more about personal blindness than it is about societal norms.
"Sending out the wrong signals" may not be everything, but if you enjoy rubbing yourself in blood and going for a swim, don't yell at sharks for trying to bite you.
Going to a bar and getting drunk to the point where you are no longer able to stave off someone having their way with you, you put yourself in that situation. There are a lot of ways to prevent this, including "just have a friend along to keep an eye on you", the less people blame others for their own choice off attire and choice to lose the ability to make sound decisions the sooner we can actually start to improve life for everyone, because predators can't strike if you work with a big group of people.
Obviously getting drunk and going alone is unwise.
However a skimpy outfit should not automatically be viewed as an invitation to sex.
"if you didn't want her to use you for your money, you shouldn't have flaunted your nice stuff around," said no one ever. Blame is very much a one way street in our culture.
if someone is so drunk they are having trouble walking straight, they need sleep and passed out drunk medical attention. Going to a bar clothing drinking don't count as consent. I blame people who rape. Sober people dressed conservatively get raped too.