Cheating is not a mistake. It’s a bad decision. A mistake is forgetting to turn off the oven. A bad decision is knowingly leaving the oven on when you leave the house. Cheating is a conscious decision. There is never an excuse.
@@juricakonsec2337 that's a decision and the answer to that, is to sit down and hard talk about those needs. If goes on like this again, then divorce and start dating young chicks.
What if you grew up watching your parents cheating constantly and staying together and it became a learned behavior? What if you recognize the trauma there in your spouse and if the person is willing to try and grow and become a better person once the behavior and trauma has been put out in the open, and you both try to work through it together?
@@kelsiecaswell9845 you are not your spouse therapist. And if you choose to be, you're no longer a spouse for him/her. He/she will start dating while you are helping his/her mental problem. Ask yourself would you marry your therapist?
My suggestion is to divorce a cheating spouse, the first time. I forgave it and reconciled in 2015. In 2021, she did it again. We finalized divorce last week.
Absolutely - There is no such thing as a second chance. See a lawyer and file immediately. My first wife went through 4 more victims after me, She never found whatever she was looking for. But I've been happily married for 45 years. You can only control your side of the relationship, Don't attempt to try to fix the other side. It will always end in failure.
That is an outstanding decision and not always easy to do. I had to do this when my wife had cheated on me. It was not easy, particularly when you have kids aged 10-13.
It's pathetic but funny in a way when people roll over for forgiveness right after being caught, but just before that they were frantically doing everything in their power to keep the deception going and avoid getting caught.
That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him or her so you just dealt with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one-- living and seeing him everyday anticipating when will he or she do it again. Your videos are incredibly well done. No critique, thanks for doing this *Brian hacks online*
My partner have been having serious relationship with people in his working place .last month he was given a tour to Mexico for a month. I sought for an advice from *Brian* a friend of mine that has a spying profession in ict who helped me monitor his phone so that I can view his activities right here on my phone in the state.
I appreciate your guidance and encouragement in helping me track my spouse phone . I would not have been able to do it without you *Johnsonspy* . I am impressed by the superb work you do, and this time is no exception. It was not easy, but I knew I could count on you. I hope that you continue to embrace your creativity and utilize it in your work for as long as possible.
All you have to do to start is look up their name making use of your phone's browser to get to their platform and chat *BRIAN* about getting the spying done
as someone who walked into the room while the mother of my child was having sex with her coworker right next to my son, i can say this helped me alot. its not just me that is hurting. hundreds of thousands people are hurting just like me. god bless u jordan peterson
I’m so sorry to hear that. I know God will restore your life. Maybe your self-esteem is broken now, but remember you are valuable, important, handsome, and worthy of love. God bless you 🙏
@@richardhead3211 Retribution/anger and revenge are always on the verge. Having a child probably helped him from not exploding and going to prison. I know my two young daughters saved me from making a terrible decision. I figured out a way to destroy my wife's lover and it was a thing of beauty without violence.
He says it's highly unlikely the relationship could be recovered. Instead it's more important to understand how and why this happened and what your role in it was - if you don't do this properly it will happen again. So just dumping them isn't enough, you need to dump your old self too which isn't as simple.
I was listening for the probability in his response and he doesn't go there. While you may go find statistics around 'recovered' relationships after betrayal (if they even exist), in an individual case, the statistics don't matter. What matters are the steps required to amend the trust and relationship, and they do sound extremely difficult. In the circumstance where you are ready willing and able to go through those steps, I would say the likelihood goes up significantly.
I was 4 months pregnant with the love of my life's baby when he admitted he had cheated on me 6 months prior whilst away with work. I was shattered. As Jordan said, "To betray someone who deeply trusts you, is to demolish the foundation of the relationship itself." In my mind, I had left the relationship then and there. I had no idea what to do with that, how to 'fix it' or if I ever could fix it. We stayed together for a few more years, but to me his cheating meant I wasn't 'his girl' any more, nor was I ever.
He confessing by his own means he felt guilty and wanted to amend it, isn't it? Just as Jordan said it should happen, is a much needed step to fix things, even if not a pretty one. You should ask yourself why aren't you willing to trust him again (or anyone by that matter) and why would you have to be someone that is cheated on in first place.
To be fair, men and women view sex differently. For men, sex can be purely a physical urge. Whereas women on some level have to develop an emotional connection for another person while simultaneously losing her partner's. Though I understand how difficult it is to see things from the perspective of the opposite gender. Cheating is bad, but it's significantly worse from a woman.
My dad constantly cheated on my mother throughout their 40+ years together. It just became easier for him each time. I kept asking my mother why she accepted this behaviour and stayed in the marriage with a cheater, her response was because she loves him. May I never find myself in that kind of a marriage.
There is a difference between love and obsession ones obsession can even accept his lover even if he is a mafia or murderer I’m not saying ur dad is bad person I mean sorry to say I’m not judging but ur dad is taking ur mom for granted or either might be difference of physical intimacy and satisfaction
Love has some semblance of respect. I often tell my son that, as a man in training, it is his duty to respect a woman/woman in training, even if she doesn't respect herself.
Very well put. If it's any consolation however, please remember that we DO have some control over the length and severity of this sentence. I learned from my wife's affair (with a married co-worker) that the sooner I could get to the point of forgiving her, the better that it was going to be for me. When I forgave her I was set free from all of the pain, torment and anger that I had been experiencing. It was a gift that I gave to myself. It was as if I was locked up in a jail cell and the act of forgiveness was analogous to the key to open my cell and the realization that I HAD THE KEY IN MY POSSESSION ALL ALONG! I was SET FREE. But that's not all. In Matthew 18:21-35 it essentially say that if we want Jesus to forgive OUR SINS, we must act in like fashion to forgive the sins of others. I hope that what I have said speaks to both your emotions as well as YOUR SOUL.
@@billcarney829truth spoken. I am struggling with forgiving him and her. I am often so angry at them. This scares me, because if I cannot truly forgive them, God will not forgive me.
In the case of my maternal grandmother, I had been told after the death of her second husband (my grandpa) he had once cheated on her and, after she learnt it, she had told him she wasn't scared to divorce a second time (her first husband was an abusive drunkard and divorcing him had already brought her the courage to respect herself), even though she was a Catholic believer in the early 70s and my mom was still a baby. One of her widowed sister was even ready to take her and my mom under her wing. Luckily for my grandpa, he woke up and understood how wrong he had been, courted again and reconquered my grandma after a lot of time and hard work. Then, he never stopped treating his wife and my mom like queens, learnt to cook himself, helped cleaning the house and worked harder at his job to afford and create a better loving home. He would never spare any expense to make his wife and daughter happy, like I was told. Still, my grandma then told me he was a rare exception worth forgiving once, and not all men would have worked so hard on their mistake at the time.
I will never forget this segment of Jordan’s talk ever. I played it aloud with my adult daughter next to me. We had a very long conversation about it afterwards. I had quite a few revelations about my past because of this clip. Betrayal ( in its many forms ) is a dark and deadly force and few can withstand the shattering it causes. It is not only whether you can ever forgive, for me it is also if you can piece yourself back together again and still remain mostly who you were before and somehow trust again. On the matter of infidelity for me is that it would be over.
I agree with you and I find it also important that we discuss this kind of matter to our daughter ans son's. Betrayal leaves scars, some deeper then others. I've been in that path twice, fortunately and unfortunately. Fortunately, cause I believe that if wasn't that way, I may never woked up and learn about self-love and learn more about myself. And unfortunately cause, of course no one likes to be in any kind of pain, especially when it cames to relationships. I´ve learned that we human beings "Only learns in pain". And if we can be more open to talk about it, with our kids, without "imposing" our ideas and beliefs, they will have more emotional intelligence and learn more about them selfs and be more self aware in regards their feelings, insecurities and etc. Like you said, and its true the "trust again" is more complicated, to say the least. Cause deep down, it feels like you will never trust again 100%. And YES, Infidelity NO THANKS!!!
Try to discuss everything with your partner before you marry. Build a solid foundation of interpersonal communication. Both people have to be healthy emotionally. Discuss any fears or doubts.
Was watching this video 3 months ago and desperately hoped I could save my marriage after my wife cheated. Thousands of dollars in marriage counseling later, I’ve learned once a cheater always a cheater. Hard pill to swallow but save yourself the trouble and move on.
Yessir, I wasted 8 years on a repeated offender of cheating. They don't learn if you don't leave them. When you give them another chance they just learn they can manipulate you.
If you (the generic 'you', not You in particular) come to the conclusion that "once a cheater, always a cheater" and end your conclusions here, you may still fail to learn something important about the only factor in such situations over which you have some limited measure of control: yourself. If you want to avoid being betrayed in the future, you may use the occasion to ask yourself questions such as: - What led me to be attracted to her/him in the first place? - Do I have a pattern of being attracted to people who prove unreliable in a relationship? - Did I evince sufficient dependability throughout the relationship? It is sure comforting to cling to the mantra of "once a cheater, always a cheater", but for the sake of ensuring your future happiness, it is worth remembering that you did select this person at some point. And delving into the 'why' of it might help you clarify for yourself who you are, who you want to be, and who you want to be with.
The fact that you believe your situation is somehow a universal truth shows a level of narcissism that likely contributed to your relationship’s demise. You will continue to have relationship trouble in the future as you have failed to even try to understand your part in it.
My wife cheated on me and had a baby with her X after 7 years of marriage. It’s hard when you get cheated on, she left me to be with him and i never even got the chance to repair my marriage. I had to do a DNA test, i was so torn with doing this it took its toll on me. What was to follow was the hardest 5 years of my life, my mother died 4 months after my wife left. My grandfather died after 11 Months and he helped me get through the cheating. And then my brother died in Iraq who also helped me throughout it. Life can be cruel and people will hurt you but you can’t let it define you. I still have my dad he’s my best friend. To all the peoples who have been cheated on I’m sorry that it happened but never forget your a warrior and you’ll get past it. Sending luv ❤
WOW! You have really been through the fire! You came out the other side though! Good for you, and I wish you every happiness that can possibly come your way. You certainly deserve it. Bless you.
To summarize: JP said no. To make the answer a little longer: You can forgive her and work your way towards regaining the trust in people. The thing is that this new trust requires courage and is often way better when you choose another person to trust (basically not your spouse). So you basically can be the luckiest person in the world and be able to go through the crisis with your partner, but that's nearly impossible. He didn't say this exactly but the true answer would be to let her/him go and build courage to substitute your naivety as the first step to be able to trust someone again. Best wishes.
There's also a big emphasize on the fact that afterwards or before that you need to analyze yourself on why it happened to you, what you did and/or didn't do enough to let that happen so that you could become the person that wouldn't happen to again.
@@SensonW I think he is dead wrong on that, he cannot control the other person and it felt like he just excuses the wife cheating a lot in this. No excuse for cheating
@@James_36 Not excusing but trying to find a reason and how you can adjust your behavior in the future to prevent it. Maybe you are looking at the wrong type of people, maybe you should be putting more into the relationship, maybe you should take things more slowly in the next relationship, etc. Its the muggers fault that he stole from me, but I can still adjust my behavior in the future and perhaps avoid going through this bad neighborhood late at night in the future to prevent future occurrences.
But it is possible, if the other person is also willing to change too. He was talking about how you can reconstruct your relationship because you both change so much, that is as if you're both new people. But it needs both parties to be willing and to really, really want to change. If one of them doesn't then there's no way to do that. It's not just up to the person being cheated to forgive, it's also up to the person who cheated to prove that'll never happen again. It's hard to do, because it not only requiers all your strength combined, but also to accept the fact that that relationship might never be built up again.
It's like being willing to die. Your old self dies and a new self is built up. No one wants to die (change), that only happens if you truly, really love that person. People are only willing to die for love.
Speaking from experience, I think the biggest danger in 'forgiveness' is that you don't forgive at all, and you use the betrayal as a license to exact your own revenge, which is a far worse poison than the betrayal itself. When the relationship is done, and it will be, you're not only left to pick up the pieces of your life, but to also live with what you allowed yourself to become as a result.
That was THE MOST insightful things I have ever read, contemplated, or made a connection with. You have definitely been through the self evaluation crucible. Allow forgiveness to move through you until gratitude begins to bring healing. Then find all the other hurt and wounded people, like me, and light the way out.
I did this. I was cheated on so I kept her around and allowed myself to hate her. Then, when I found someone who I thought was better, I cut the first girl out of my life and told her I found someone better. In part I enjoyed it, because part of me hated her, but I also felt sadness and guilt seeing her crying and humiliating herself to get me to stay - because another part of me still loved her. I moved forward with the rebound girl, for about 9 months, until she broke up with me. I didn't miss her though - I missed the first girl. I felt like I had been torn and part of me was left there in the room where I told her I met someone else, kind of like a horcrux in the harry potter movies. I had effectively killed the memory of someone and left a part of myself behind. I felt deep remorse because I had since forgiven her, but even worse than that the love I had when I "killed" her returned, and I had to deal with it while she had already moved on and found happiness somewhere else. This is what I meant when I said a part of me was left behind - in some respects it felt like it was only yesterday when I had cut her off, but it really was a year ago. I learned a few valuable lessons from that whole experience
Agreed. that sort of betrayal will mean you can never fully trust that person again and it will eat you alive. yes, follow the advice above, but dump the whore.
If both parties really work on fixing the marriage, it can make the relationship stronger. People make mistakes Serial cheating is different. If the cheater takes your forgiveness as PERMISSION to cheat, get out
@@recoveringsoul755 cheating isn't 'a mistake'. maybe it reflects poorly on me, but i have been cheated on and it is life destroying. yes, fix yourself, but i for one cannot see how i would ever get past that.
It’s not about the affair. It’s NEVER about the affair. It goes way deeper than that. Lack of self reflection plays a huge part. Love the way J.P pulls it apart layer by layer and he’s absolutely spot on. People are so unconscious that when something like this occurs,they’re thrown for a six.
As someone who divorced because of an affair I agree 100%. I was living in a dream world, he brought me to reality real quick. I am grateful it happened, I am more aware now.
It's their debauched carnal pleasures that drive them. The partner/spouse may be all a man/woman desires but to fill their lust and insatiable desire to be 'all that', they will forever betray you. It's not about you, it's all about them.
"Yeah, I knew Yani and her husband. This one time he didn't put the toilet seat down when he said he would, and that was it. She trusted him only once and then never again. They broke up the next day. Sad story."
*Yep, if your significant other cheat just let the other person have them. Finding out why is meaningless and only an ego stroke for the cheater. Thank the other person for taking your significant other off your hands because it finally made you accept the change”… wish them the very best of luck “because they’re certainly going to need it.”*
Cheating in a relationship is an unforgivable betrayal of trust that can not be remedied, at least for me. There is no excuse for it and, again for me, marks your character as a person as flawed beyond redemption, in the regards to an relationship.
It all depends. There are many deal breakers in a relationship. Cheating is just one. I can imagine a real asshole of a person complaining that their partner cheated.
@@redtobertshateshandles Sure there are many different "deal breakers" in a relationship, but few as unredeemable as cheating. And as said to me there is no excuse for cheating in a relationship, none. It doesn't matter how bad your partner was there is always another way, like splitting up or talking with your partner, there is simply no excuse for such behavior as cheating.
Cheating is a one strike you’re out, type of ballgame. Faithfulness is one of the four main keys to a successful marriage. Honesty, trust and respect are the other three. Love is just an emotion that builds its house upon those four cornerstones as its foundation.
Betrayal in any form cuts the legs out from under a marriage. In my (now divorced) experience it can't be undone. It just will never be the same. The fact that Mr. Peterson essentially makes that point here gives me confidence that it was okay to part ways. I can stop asking myself 'did we try hard enough?'
Same here. I dated her for three years and I trusted her completely. She had my complete trust. I thought we were a team working together. I don't think she realized the full extent of the damage she did. It was my first marriage (I've had two and am now single) and when I discovered this betraya, I didn't know what to do or how to go forward. We went for counseling, That seemed to be the logical thing to do for lack of any better ideas. Of course it was all my fault she cheated within the first six months of our marriage, I made her do it, and I was making a big deal out of nothing. She never accepted responsibility for her actions, never apologized, never admitted wrong doing, did nothing to try and build the trust back, never promised to never do it again, her future loyalty to our relationship was conditional on how she felt about me, and insisted it was no big deal and I was making a big deal out of nothing. Believe it or not we stayed married for three years and as far as I know she never cheated again but now I knew she could, I just couldn't get passed it and she did nothing to help me get passed it either. She just swept it under the rug and wanted to continue like it had never happened. No big deal to her. After three years I finally had enough of her rebellious nature, I just couldn't trust her anymore and it was eating away at me. Every time I looked at her, I looked at her as a trader from within. Sometimes I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. I divorced her. It went pretty smooth, no house, no kids.... The no kids and no house was on my insistence due to my lack of trust in her. I didn't want to be eternally connected to someone who betrayed me and I didn't trust. I had enough money to buy a house cash and was making enough money that if she so chose, she could be a stay at home mom, but I took it all off the table when she betrayed me. Why would I want to give her anything SHE wanted after she did something like that to me? It would be like rewarding her for her bad behavior. Women. I am just shaking my head. Sometimes it seems like they are all relationship suicidal.
@@im1who84uI understand where you’re coming from. My husband is the main provider and i am a stay at home wife as we are a military family and he’s the active duty. I may not be perfect but I don’t think I deserved to be cheated on. Since he makes money, he has the advantage. I had no career. But everything changed after he cheated. I insist as well not having children because I haven’t fully recovered from the cheating even though he is not doing it anymore. I know he is capable now. I’m still with him.. but we will see.
I like how JP takes these issues seriously and is able to reflect the deep pain and anguish of such a situation. So often adulterers are excused. I dated someone who admitted that he had cheated on his ex wife with 2 extended affairs. I was never able to trust him... Being a cheater stays with you forever
I love how JP thinks before answering most questions he’s asked. He actually stops and THINKS about the most logical and helpful answer he can. That’s someone who actually cares about solving things. He uses his logic and years of experience to try and come up with a solution. I respect the hell out of this man.
I wish therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists and clinical psychotherapists had an inch of the care and thought this person has towards humanity in general!! The depth he went to is astounding, and the dissecting of the issue at hand in such an interesting and fascinating way left me speechless! I am looking forward to his talk in Norway, this spectacular and pure human being is a god given gift! ❤
@@gabriellejackson6327 I know it does. And there’s no sense in sugar coating things: It will continue to hurt. The pain will ebb and flow. Some days will be manageable, and then some days will be hell. This kind of betrayal is horrid. If you have a core group of close friends and family, rely on them. Don’t become a recluse like I did. These first few months do your best and not be completely secluded from those you trust. You’ll need them. While saying things like “it’ll get better” is a bit too cliché for me, I will say as someone who is almost 8 months into this, the pain does begin to dim. An emotional callous will form. You’ll make it through this. Some days it’ll seem impossible, but as Peterson likes to say, people are much tougher than they realize. You’ve got this, Gabrielle.
First one is betrayed, then one is in denial before reality sinks in. Then and only then can one actually focus to see, and think clearly in order to move forward in the marriage or divorce. Betrayal is the worst in any relationship. Thank you, Jordan. ✝️❤️
What goes on between you and all your relationships is as much in the hands of the understanding of God as anything. The vast majority of therapists, especially those who come through the lineage of Freud and Judeo Christianity with pseudo scientific emphasis on 'inherent neurosis' and 'inherent sin' want to play God, but do not know God. At best, a therapist might be able to facilitate a client's higher consciousness or the higher consciousness of a couple (aka their connection to God) to come through in a session, but that is not what modern psychotherapy is about. It's about making money and perpetuating a superiority complex. This complex, as hinted at, comes from, among other places, an unconscious connection to Yahwist consciousness, or those trying to embody or understand ancient Canaanite volcano gods in some way. Yes, it sounds strange, but don't underestimate the unconscious importance of Yaweh in Western culture. Don't estimate how this connection influenced early modern psychology, and the resultant lack-of-enlightenment-masquerading-as-enlightenment. To reiterate, Yawists like to play God, but do not know God.
@@tommckellen4289 You are only partially correct. It’s true that Jesus Christ/Yeshua Hamashiach is our counselor and our greatest physician because he healed in the flesh and continues to heal many in spirit. That being said, if one is sick, one goes to the doctor for treatment and antibiotics if needed. Some need to simply talk things out. If you get a toothache, you go to the dentist, if you need glasses you go to an optometrist, etc…I have never needed to visit a psychologist because I’m very grounded and I have been a Christian since forever. I go to God in prayer. You should realize not everyone is a Christian, however, even Christians get sick. Medicines and doctors aren’t evil because even Christians have a bodily flesh and can become ill. God gives different gifts and talents. Some are doctors, some are teachers,some are scientists, some are lawyers, etc. James 1:17 “We all have different talents and God-given gifts, but they are all important and can be used for God’s kingdom.” Colossians 4:14 refers to Luke as the beloved physician. Yes, physicians were around in biblical times. Even the Good Samaritan took the Jew to the doctor. Where do you think medicine comes from??? Medicine comes from God’s created green earth. Almighty Father God is the greatest physician, mathematician, scientist, architect, poet, etc… because He is THE creator of everything and everyone. Have a wonderful and blessed evening. ✝️🙏🏻🕊 Sharing a little Christian sense of humor; There was a Christian man and his city was experiencing dangerous flooding. Everyone was advised and later ordered to evacuate their homes and seek safety. The Christian man was praying to God for a sign of whether to evacuate or stay put. Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. It was his neighbor offering him a ride to safety. The Christian man kindly rejected his neighbors offer because he was waiting for a sign from God. The water was quickly rising and so the man went to the second floor of the house. He was still praying for a sign from God. Sure enough, an official with a rescue boat came to assist him in the evacuation process and get him to higher ground for his safety. The man rejected the offer. The flooding had reached the second floor so the Christian man went to the top of his roof. A first responder ⛑ in a helicopter came to the Christian man and offered to rescue him. The Christian man again rejected the offer and he drowned. When he was in front of God, he asked God why did you let me drown? God replied, I sent you three signs but you rejected all three. You rejected your neighbors help, the official in the rescue boat and even the first aid helicopter responder. God’s message is beautiful and simple; love Him as your only God with all your heart, soul, and might. Love your neighbor as yourself, forgive so you to can be forgiven and help the less fortunate because you help God. Share His love and His WORD with others. Always be humble and lovingkindness goes a long way. Love and put God first and others before yourself. Be of service to your fellowman. It’s really simple. ✝️🙏🏻🕊
In 1978 I was married for 3 years, had 2 babies and found my husband in bed with his secretary. He left and we divorced. I was 26 with no job. I’m now 70 and it still hurts horribly. You forgive but don’t forget. It nearly killed me. Life is never the same after that trauma. You somehow by the grace of God, pick yourself up and in my case with 2 sons and make the best of things. My sons are fine young men with good wives and blessed children. Life doesn’t always happen like you planned. Betrayal is like child abuse. It’s a breach of trust that you can’t ever get back. You find happiness but it’s never really the same again.
This really touched me. I have been my whole life avoiding my biggest issues, and they’ve become big enough. This world needs integer people, that are able act truthfully. Thank you Dr. Peterson.
One of the clearest thinkers and speakers I've ever heard. He takes such a complex situation here and distills it to points and questions that are so logical, easy to understand, and completely on the mark.
Cheating IS NOT a mistake. It's a personal choice. Nobody cheats just once. There will allways be a second time, third time , fourth time......if you stay with them. You can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. You can forgive and still cut all ties. Infidelity and physical abuse are permanent deal breakers.
No if you dont reconcile you still haven't forgiven them. You are just lying to yourself. Its just delusion, but you are too ignorant and unconscious to realize this
@@Jameson_luke she was cheating on me with her ex baby daddy. Never said sorry and wouldn't admit it even with proof of her texts. Her kids will no longer love me sadly.
You can truly love someone and even go as far as never loving again, but if that person cheats you HAVE to leave. Your self worth is still very important and what they did is a complete betrayal of your trust, they took the most essential part of a relationship, trust, and broke it, willingly, that person is not your ally anymore, and therefore they must go.
This man really hit the ground running and hasn't stopped yet. He gives us more understanding of him without interviews and negative antics he just shows us who he is through the Recovery. True living legend. We salute you. *Brian hacks Online* . The execution, creativity, and goodness that came from it were inspiring on a number of levels. Cheers Alex & looking forward to seeing what you do next!
Working with you is an honor, working without you was an absolute horror. Working under you is a pleasure, an experience that I will truly treasure. Thanks, for getting access to target's phone *Brian hacks online*
As someone who married a narcissist discovering they cheated repeatedly was hell. It took my life from bad to worse. I was already struggling with my health and overnight became a single mother. I spent years wading through that trauma making sure my child healed and forgetting about myself. Finally focusing on myself to heal made a world of difference. Also it revealed deeper trauma in my life. And found there are still people who deserve my trust.
0:07 - It's moments like this when someone as smart as Jordan Peterson gets asked a complex question addressing a serious topic and he takes a good seventeen seconds to think of an answer.
Normally 17 seconds would be a rather short time to think about something but when its someone like Jordan you know thats years of knowledge and experience crammed into every moment of consideration. I'm sure I could spend a whole year considering my answer and hardly scratch the surface of what he knows.
Despite all the bullshit people have to say about JP you can tell from doing this as long as he has he manifests a genuine sorrow and pain when people go through some real shit.
It happened to me in 2012. Seems like it was minutes ago. PTSD and PISD. Yes, that's actually real. She destroyed many parts of me and I haven't healed yet. Most likely won't. Hard to believe what I've become.
Found out about the first affair when my son was 4 months old. And we tried to save the marriage just like JP said. Turns out the whole truth never came out. This happened over and over again in the course of 3 years. In the end it was imposible to move forward. From my own experience it is a battle that has no good outcomes no matter what
If I might guess, I believe only you tried to save the relationship. The other person didn’t even compromise. This is what happens in many similar cases.They will never give out the whole truth. In the meantime, the betrayed will walk on eggshells not to scare the cheater, and try to be perfect so that this does not happen again. You can be perfect but it will happen again unless the cheater wants to change.
As someone who’s been cheated on in every relationship, this is really helpful. I finally married someone who I swore was different. Apparently he was cheated on by his ex wife and previous girlfriends but he never had. Well guess what, he chose me as his first person to ever cheat on while I was pregnant with his son and he was working out of state. I’ve been trying to trust ever since because he made changes that showed me he felt bad and would change. Unfortunately no matter how many trackers he puts on himself or how many times he gives he passwords to his phone etc…I can’t seem to feel like I fully trust him. It’s like there’s nothing he can do to gain my absolute trust back even tho he’s trying and I actually do want to trust him. I just can’t seem to :(
As someone that has been cheated on more than I care to admit, the last guy I was dating told me a few things that were hard pills to swallow, but they made sense. The first thing was that if I truly wanted to move forward with him, I had to decide if I could forgive him first, and that had to be something I figured out quickly. Bcuz what happens is we don't forgive and we will keep bringing it up, or make little comments, and also we treat the cheater differently. For me personally, it was a decision I made based on what he was going to do to change his behaviors. Basically, if he wanted me to move forward and not constantly throw it in his face, and to not have to talk about it again, he would have to do A, B, and C. In a way that seemed fair, bcuz no one wants to be constantly reminded of their mistakes. What would be the point of him changing his behaviors if I kept bringing up the past and treating him like shit for it? Why even bother if I refused to see the changes he had made? In the end it didn't matter, he went back to his old ways and eventually dumped me for her, so 🤷♀️ But at least I learned what I can and cannot do to compromise.
Although it hurts I would say drop a cheater, as a guy who had cheated in the past or missed out on good females that pain is carried forever. Maybe also because of the fact I really want to be a good guy now since the last 3 years I'm 30 now. I used to cheat when I was younger 19 - 23 and partied allot and got attention of all kind of females. Also due the fact I was djing at young age. Most imporant indicator is someones lifestyle I would say. Do not listen to the words, that goes for men and women. Ofcourse communicate your needs ect, I'm serious about not paying to much attention to the words people speak. I'm about to date this female but see some red flags, if I'm not able to feel fully trusted in her I will just leave. Without trust there is nothing to build on.
@@bibaolaitan5189 No, but if someone is being cheated on by most of their partners, there is a common denominator at play. Some people are inherently bad people and should not get involved with. Many people lack to skills to figure that out and are drawn to bad people as that poster suggested. Yes, it is bad people's fault for cheating, but repeating the same mistakes makes it everyone's fault.
I'll never forget how, in just a matter of hours, my life went from heaven to hell when my mom caught my dad cheating. As a 10 year old, I could not understand how my strong, intelligent, handsome, Catholic father could do such a thing, and how my loving, God-fearing paternal grandparents could condone it without the slightest hesitation in my presence. Two decades later, the wound remains open.
@@redtobertshateshandlesyeah no. Aint no sympathizing cheaters. If there we no needs met, mans couldve communicated it with his wife or just straight up divorced to find what he wanted. Still would have to be responsible for his kid though
As explained in the video, the story of the cheating could be very deep and long-going. The cheating (and violence) starts when we ignore reasonable needs of people around us. Grandparents condone it so easily possibly because they did not trust their daughter (or son) in law and/or her (his) parents anyway, but possibly for other reasons including their own pathology and pathology in their relation to their children. The search for who started the cheating often very well leads to grandparents and even further.
@@juricakonsec2337 The cheating starts when we ignore reasonable needs of people around us?🤪 Shotup you little dork. "The cheater starts cheating whe he/she is irresponsible and malevolent"
On of my parents cheated on the other. I have never felt so deeply hurt in my life, to see two of the people I love the most in this world going through such horrible situation. Is very different when is about your parents, because there is no longer clear what to do or what to think. It seems they recovered from it, and it's been years since then, but something broke that day, and was never the same.
my partner cheated on me, 1 week after i gave birth to our daughter, with a coworker i had been suspicious of already for months. He tells me it was a one time thing and if the tables were turned he would forgive me. Its been just over a month at this point and i can’t see it working. Its such a fucking shitty situation to be in, especially postpartum. This helped alot.
You can break things off if its too much to handle, especially now that you have a dependent infant under your wing. You can be apart but have him actively participate in his daughter's life
I feel so sorry for you:( I have heard so many stories of males cheating when the woman is pregnant/postpatrum. They are awful human beings. If I were you, I'd leave him.
This man really hit the ground running and hasn't stopped yet. He gives us more understanding of him without interviews and negative antics he just shows us who he is through the Recovery. True living legend. We salute to team usespy online. The execution, creativity, and goodness that came from it were inspiring on a number of levels. Cheers Alex & looking forward to seeing what you do next!
This was an absolute brilliant response by Dr. Peterson. I've never heard anyone articulate so accurately an understanding of relationships and human nature. Like honestly it's kinda absurd how true this rings, and the fact that you don't hear advice like this anywhere else shows how valuable his perspective is to society. There is no bs here. It would be a monumental task to ever be able to once again trust someone who cheated. Is it possible? In theory sure. The better question is should you trust them again? The wise answer would be no.
And no fault divorce states infidelity doesn't matter. Nobody gets more for being the cheater or the victim, unless you can prove they spent money in the other person
@@jameslebeau7078 husband's cheat more often. Maybe it has something to do with external plumbing. Maybe they don't think it's a big deal because it's ONLY sex. But a woman has to allow another man INSIDE her body. It's just different for women. As JP says, sex is a bigger deal for women, riskier, because they can get pregnant. They can BOTH get diseases tho. Like my ex Husband, incurable STD.
@@recoveringsoul755 the fact you think cheating has to be sex says more about you than you intended to reveal. My cheating ex had a long lasting emotional relationship with a college classmate while i was busting my butt at work. They never had sex but it was the worst thing she could have done for our relationship. I would be more likely to forgive her if she had killed someone in cold blood, than for cheating.
*Respect* and *Trust* are the most important parts of any relationship, you won’t in good heart betray someone you sincerely care for; you’d have enough respect to break it off regardless of your situations. You can forgive; but you won’t forget.
I have an interesting perspective. I became the guy women cheated with. More than one woman, 4-5. You start to view the world and yourself differently. Once you’re the one who has no skin in the game, you see that most women are in Limerance. That can be preyed upon like a wounded rabbit. All it takes is the right kind of hello, and a charming smile. Men typically cheat if A. They don’t care or B. Their spouse has made them feel so undesirable they jump at any outside affection. Both parties are wrong, but misery loves company.
8:30 That's my first wife to a T. She couldn't help herself, she couldn't be honest. I was married to her for seven years. It ended forty years ago and I don't think I completely recovered from her until I went into therapy following the death of my second wife, who, like me, was faithfull. Dr Peterson is quite right ( of course ), the only way to recover is to re-evaluate yourself. I did not, and set myself up for a pattern of rejection and manipulation for years, and it was only the most fantastic luck that I met a lady who would be with me for 24 years until her death. I am still alone after five years, 'cos I'm not repeating the pattern. I'd rather stay alone than do that.
15:25 Exactly, and it needs to happen even if the relationship ends, or you'll carry it with you into the next one. I wish I'd heard this 40 years ago.
I’ve been cheated on so many times I can’t even remember the last time I got angry. Mainly because, like jp said, I take my part in it. Being too naive and being someone that it could happen to. I’m not saying I think I deserve it, but I really don’t see it as a loss. My heart used to get destroyed by people failing me, but I have always had faith that what was meant for me would always be mine. I think it’s alright to let things go that aren’t meant for us. I thank God for all the times I didn’t get what my heart thought it wanted the most. I don’t want to block my blessings by not being able to move on and keep my spirit. I cannot control what the other person does in the relationship, so if I did the best I could for my part, all I can do is let it go.
Something that really helped me was hearing this “more of what someone already doesn’t appreciate will never be enough.” I let myself be a doormat for too many years and I think I’m finally starting to find my strength. I really liked what you said about God protecting us from what we want because it’s not always what we need ❤
If you’ve been cheated on “so many times”, I’m sorry to tell you, something is wrong with you. Eventually you have to take accountability. Either you’re a horrible judge of character and make extremely poor decisions and choices, or you’re somehow so impossible to be around that people feel the need to cheat on you.
After watching this, I can only hope that, should my husband ever cheat on me, I will never find out. The idea of having to go through all these questions and all this psychological torment after the fact seems far worse than him cheating.
How can this be far worse than cheating if this is caused by cheating? Especially when STDs or baby mamas come around, there is no denying anymore. I wish you and your husband to never having to go through this. May you be blessed with each others love and trust.
It is.. but in the end you can heal and it is all the more worth it. Ignorance is only bliss until you find out and trust me. You always figure it out before you ACTUALLY find out. And that's whats so damaging. Not only do you have to learn how to trust others again but it's a neverending battle learning how to trust yourself again. That's the hard part. I pray you never have to find out.
I pray your husband never betrays you. A year ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me off and on with someone for 5 years. Let that sink in. 5 years. It gutted me and I’m still so severely damaged. What this does to someone, no one should ever experience.
I've been cheated on twice. The betrayal of trust cuts deep. I forgave both, but both decided to end things. One over the shame of it, the other because he found me boring. I have had great trouble with trust since.
Jordan suggests for the betrayed to examine what it is about yourself that allowed for this breech of trust. It is so very painful and difficult to overcome! Personally speaking, after almost six years of this discovery and separation, I can say that I am not willing or able to trust this person again.
@@claudiapennisi7987 I was too naive and thought others would have the same morals and fortitude as myself. I've learned most people differ greatly in morals, values, and goals. We're not all after the same thing.
@@17h127 Yes so true! But we are not the same as the people we fall in love with and healing from a betrayal is difficult because you peel layer after layer to try reaching the core in order to make sense of what happened to you! In the end it takes 100% from both parties involved to work, not 50%. Along with Jordan, I received methods for healing from Christian therapist Dominic Herbst..he really helped me unpeel my onion!! 😭 ruclips.net/video/G0OV-gvrxks/видео.html
When did you find out, hits you hard, the signs can be seen, you try to ignore them, being close enough to someone so they can wreak you, if it happens, it feels like you permanently wreaked, Jordan comes here and explains it, really helps
This is exactly how I told I felt about betrayal when questioned about it, every time. I would answer smthn like: "Hey, go on, if you need it...be happy with the dude. But not with me. This is not my place anymore, I don't feel safe to "be who I am" now, or even with the confidence to trust you again". There's no better feeling than trusting someone has your back through thick and thin, but when the rock that held yours explodes into smithereens...there's no going back. At least for me. THAT being said...Never regret loving someone, but pay a lot of attention to what YOU do with your life surrounding your relationship, it's exactly like that: you can trace back the moment that lit the fuse. Learn from it. This time we talk about a partner's betrayal, but it can be applied to anything.
If you enjoy topics about masculinity and mastery, I invite you to explore the videos I share on the Mastery Order Channel. Challenge yourself with some concepts about manhood, explore your masculine potential to the maximum and become the kind of man you would admire. We can only better ourselves together, as men among men, so I invite you to use what I share and, of course, share your own opinions so that others can benefit from them as well. Looking forward to your points of view. All the best to you!
Going back some years my partner (of not a very long time) cheated on me with my best friend. That was rough, betrayed by two people at once. I wasn’t with her for a long time but being young it was a very intense feeling relationship. Struggled with it for years but I learned eventually that there were signs it was happening. I learned that I could take responsibility for having a bad taste in friends and women, and that I could recognise the signs, and being able to take responsibility for all that helped me to shoulder the pain and move forward. I have a faithful partner now and I know she is, because I know what a faithful woman isn’t and I wouldn’t be able to be a good (I hope) partner to her without having learned to take whatever responsibility I could.
Dude, unsolicited advice: keep your happy relationships to yourself there'll be someone out there online who'll comment something to ruin whatever you have now.
@@tinag7506 A very strange thing for you to say. I am quite happy with my comment, thank you. And looking at what comments you’ve been making, you seem to be very bitter and resentful. Perhaps my comment goes against the image you have for people here. Good luck to you.
@@tarkadal5563 you've misinterpretated what I've commented. I'm not resentful, rather realistic. I'm not against anyone being happy with their relationships. I'm just saying that people have given out unwanted comments making genuinely happy people doubt themselves. It was just a honest warning. But I guess you've never really met such nasty people in your life, good for you. It wasn't ill intentioned in the slightest, but I guess I shouldn't expect to be understood all the time because we all have different experiences.
@@tinag7506 If you’re the kind of person who can be made to doubt their relationship because of what some nobody says in a RUclips comment, then I don’t know what world you’re living in. I’ve met plenty of nasty people. You think I give a damn what a nasty person says on the internet? Very shallow. Good for you.
@@tinag7506 if you're genuinely happy and stable in your relationship you won't give a shit about some random online hater. it's not going to be the kind of relationship that will be blown away like a dandelion in the breeze
For me, we weren't married, but having been in a relationship for 16 years, I thought that we were committed, even though we lived apart. Last week, I discovered that he married another woman 3-1/2 years ago while continuing a relationship with me. What he told her was that I had "walked away" from the relationship because we had grown apart! I suspected that he was cheating on me but he always denied it, so in spite of my intuition, I trusted him. This hurts worse than when my last husband died. :( I'm nearly 70, and I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. We had discussed retirement and getting a house together, traveling together... but now I know it was all a lie.
Don't ignore the little signs either. "Friends" that don't include you of the opposite sex are not good. You don't need friends of the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual) unless they are mutual friends. Its just not necessary, or flirting or whatever. Its a bad sign and needs to be addressed. As for full blown cheating, its over.
I’ve never had female friends and I surely don’t care what’s going on in the the life of any other females, and that includes my own sisters. My wife is enough.
@@padarousou Maturity has nothing to do with developing feelings for a friend. The only thing that’s immature and delusional is pretending that it doesn’t happen a majority of the time. There are many people who are married who started off as just friends. Keep in mind that *“Just a friend”* has ruined more committed relationships than any other entity known to mankind.
@@standground8284 Maturity has everything to do with being able to handle emotions responsibly. If you are a mature person and develop "feelings" that are inappropriate for a friend, then they will not have much weight because you can control your emotions. I agree that most people are not mature, and therefore cannot control such feelings, but that isn't everyone
@@padarousou Maybe it’s just my experience. I’m 6’4, athletic, personable and good looking according to most women. Dating back to high school there many friendships with female friends always start off as friends but would eventually end if I didn’t want more than just friendship. My last female friendship was a close friend of 6 years. She basically told me that as a man your not allowed to: Treat women with respect, have meaningful conversations with them, ask them about their day and actually listen to them, compliment them whenever they get their hair or nails done, give them words of encouragement when they need, having emotional intelligence to know when they’re down and surprise them with something they find cool or you that’ll remedy their mood, call them out respectfully and hold them accountable when necessary, be a listening ear when they want to vent, etc. This is how I treated all my female friends and it never worked out. She told me that many boyfriends weren’t even providing that effort at minimal. I decided at a young age not to date until I was established enough to provide for and take care of myself. I consider it bum activity to use my parents (car, money, home or resources) to entertain women. That said, I wasn’t dating or having sx so I had no ulterior motives, I was just simply being a good friend. She confessed her love for me, I got confused. Since I didn’t want a committed relationship with her she cut me off and went no contact for almost 2 years before calling and apologizing. She said she had to do it for herself so she could get rid of her feelings for me (someone she never kissed or even held hands with). *I understood because all my other female friendships ended very similarly. Are there rare exceptions to the rule, yes! It just never worked for me personally.*
I took back a cheating GF once and turned into a monster. Truth was I couldn’t really and deeply forgive her and instead went into a cheating spree myself. Jordan’s analysis is so deep, I wish I had had that insight into my own emotions at the time, would’ve saved everyone including myself a lot of hurt.
It really all depends upon how willing one party is to be honest with what they've done, and the other party's willingness to forgive them over it. There are some couples that can stay with each other, but most cannot. To cheat on your spouse is generally considered to be one of the most egregious offenses that can be committed. It's a betrayal of trust, and that is hard to come back from.
What goes on between you and all your relationships is as much in the hands of the understanding of God as anything. The vast majority of therapists, especially those who come through the lineage of Freud and Judeo Christianity with pseudo scientific emphasis on 'inherent neurosis' and 'inherent sin' want to play God, but do not know God. At best, a therapist might be able to facilitate a client's higher consciousness or the higher consciousness of a couple (aka their connection to God) to come through in a session, but that is not what modern psychotherapy is about. It's about making money and perpetuating a superiority complex. This complex, as hinted at, comes from, among other places, an unconscious connection to Yahwist consciousness, or those trying to embody or understand ancient Canaanite volcano gods in some way. Yes, it sounds strange, but don't underestimate the unconscious importance of Yaweh in Western culture. Don't estimate how this connection influenced early modern psychology, and the resultant lack-of-enlightenment-masquerading-as-enlightenment. To reiterate, Yawists like to play God, but do not know God.
I’ve always compared trust to a sheet of glass - once broken it can never be the same. Yes , it can be repaired but their will always be the fractures , the scars which both ppl must decide if they can live with and sadly most honest people see that they can’t.
The book he mentioned is actually a trilogy known as "Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy" and the 3 books are "Inferno", "Pergatorio", and "Paradiso" its a love story about a man who traverses all 3 destinations of the afterlife in hopes to be reunited with his lover. 9.5/10 great read! Highly recommend!
@@OriginalBonJovi i mean I agree it's not the main narrative of the story but from a layman's perspective its pretty accurate lol and yes 9.5/10 all day every day!
Wow! Such an amazing video. My partner cheated on me after a long time of being together, and now, looking backwards, I can totally understand why it happened so it won't happen again in any new relationships I may have. I forgave her, but I know there's no way back and we're better off the way we are today.
I truly believe that a very significant portion of people in my age range of dating are fundamentally and possibly malevolently unreliable. Abstaining from sex for 25 years with the goal of waiting until marriage has given me a unique insight into the nature of women as well as how twisted they are today due to different aspects of modern culture such as hook up culture, social media, and modern feminism and liberalism. A truly large portion of young women believe that there is NOTHING wrong with emotionally manipulating a man, lying to them, killing their unborn child, or divulging information about their current (or past) sexual activity with other people, which could be dozens of other people in the time they are seeing someone.
To be honest with you that goes pretty much the same for men now days. I agree that social media has been a huge issue in this but not only for women but for everyone, responsability has been greatly diminished from relationships and sex. At the same time as someone who hasn't abstained I can tell you there are still plenty of people that won't engage in that kind of behavior out there.
Just today, the thought of suicide plaqued me. I am so enraged with the multiple betrayals dumped on me during a 15yr marriage. I pray a lot about this, but i am not coping, unable to pull myself together. I was the provider and spoiled him rotten with expensive gifts and a good life, showered with love. The shock, the rage, resentment, bitterness, name them all, has pushed me to a point of no return. Your presentation is MY story. You cannot Trust a deceptive liar, and exactly as you said, a psychopath. I hate the fact that i am not the same person anymore. I am so deeply traumatized, realising my life was a total lie for a user and abuser. I believe God send this video on my path today. Thank you, Jordan, there are many people out there that needed to hear this.
Mr Peterson I just wanted to drop by to say Aloha and Shalum! Thank you for all your videos that you have put up and all the advice that you give. I just found out Sunday that my wife of four years was cheating on me for a year behind my back and the things I found in her journal when I realized it was her journal, because my daughter actually brought me the book and she’s only two. The things I seen were horrid and I feel like no man should ever know that his wife was doing this behind his back. I genuinely just wanted to thank you though because this is still fresh it’s only been about four or five days and it hurts severely deeper than any physical knife or anything can drive into my heart or soul. Listening to you has helped heal that a bit and as well as listening to Yahuah and his word most importantly. I am currently living in Hawaii and just wanted to let you know that if you ever were here please drop by a sabbath one day peace and shalom!🤙🏾🙏🏾
I have told every woman that I entered into a relationship with that if they are starting to consider infidelity that they should have the common decency to break up with me then and there. I have a one strike policy on cheating that, thankfully, I have not had to employ. That doesn't mean that I am 100% sure I've never been cheated on. The one girl that I started to suspect a little bit broke up with me shortly after, so perhaps she heeded my request at the beginning of our relationship. It was time though and now I am married to a truly trustworthy woman who shares essentially all my values. I am blessed for sure.
We went through this at year 7 of our marriage, while I was pregnant with our third. 1 year of bitter pain, 2 years of uphill repair. We’re about to celebrate our 25th. We’re so deeply grateful we’re still together. It’s 100% a work of grace from God- and He’s more than able to repair broken people. I stayed because I believed Jesus’ words about forgiveness and about loving one’s enemies. If you don’t let go of Jesus, he won’t let go of you, and He remains with you through the darkest anguish. We went to the Retrouvaille program and we became devout Catholics.
Yes but Jesus said you can leave if they cheat! In fact it’s the only factor he says that invalidates the marriage contract! Jesus gives you his blessing to leave!
My ex wife cheated. She had the audacity to cry on the couch like a victim one evening as she admitted her betrayal and sin. She had the gall and was self deluded enough to think that we could be friends afterwards. We are not friends. Trust is the foundation of any social relationship. We also have a child. We are amicable up to the point of articulating for our son. That's it. She will randomly get worried about me and blow up my phone. It's unwelcome and upsetting. I don't want to see her name in my phone. I got over her by visiting an old friend i met in college. She helped me get over her pretty fast 😅
@@razvanlex I’m sure she’s probably not a psychopath or sociopath, she’s just a human being and made a mistake. “She will get randomly worried about me”
I come back to this video from time to time because it remiends me of my experience with betrayal and the things i learnd, it is still painful to remember but i find it useful and it makes me feel like i'm improving. For me, the most real part of this is when he talks about the "admission of anger", jesus i wish i had know this a few months ago, it would have save me so much trouble, i ended up doing so many stupid stuff because i could not accept that i was angry and full of resentment towards my cheating parther at the time, it broke me even more than the betrayal itself.
The book of Dante he refers to is The Divine Comedy. Betrayal for me is interesting, because once someone breaks my trust, they are suddenly dead to me and I recover on my own. After dealing with my own feelings about the situation, I usually end up feeling lucky that I am not in that situation anymore and (in a way) sorry for them, because you know how future relationships will play out for them if they treat people that way. To trust again, I always tell myself that if someone is leading a double-life, the pain is on them, until I find out and then the pain is on me too. But until I know, they are the ones living incongruently and using their energy to lie and cover their tracks. How exhausting!
Just found out my husband is cheating, not like an affair, but going in dating sites for find sex partners. Thanks for this video Dr Peterson, it is a great help, I was naive and now after hearing you deciding how to confront him, because he denies everything, a bit of gaslighting expert! Thanks again.
We did it. Our life sky rocketed. Don’t let yourself oversimplificate this in bare deception, there is a world under this. You choose, you are perfectly naturally geared to do so, probably not completely consciously, but bottom down you know. I would ask myself: Do I justify my pits under the light of victimhood? Do I let myself be weak and play dead and let the other act as I know that he/she will do, instead of jumping into the running train that I’m lazy to jump on? We choose our mates to complete us, not to make us comfortable in our weaknesses, we do it unknowingly, but that’s our fate. Go ahead and fight.
@@joelpalmer3336 Hi Joel. I would tell you that the first thing is to separate the pain and disappointment from your rationality. You should know if you are capable of doing such thing and coolly assess whether you think you could understand what has happened if you were an uninvolved observer. Then, knowing how you have behaved and knowing the character and the demands that your partner had, you should know if you have been honest with yourself or, on the contrary, you have turned your weaknesses on self-indulgence and the passivity of your partner. This will not solve anything, but it will give you the most realistic starting point that you can define to know if you can and want to start the path of rebuilding a demolished relationship. A painful path like few others, but one that will necessarily establish a base of honesty. I must add that from my perspective it is the man who has the duty to unite the couple, to establish the bases and be the fair leader of an initiative that must go to the transcendent and unknown, to a better and hopeful place. If you do not believe in this, it is likely that you will not find good reasons to forgive your partner's weaknesses and bite the bullet to try to rebuild something that in principle you have not destroyed, at least actively. I had those beliefs, and I needed this event to turn them from ethereal lucubrations into solid convictions. Good luck.
Betrayel is so incrediby hurtful. A deep sadness that pierces ones soul. Forver scarring our hearts with a wound that will leave a scar and consently be reminded of the deception that caused it...
Not going to lie, but we are actually really proud to have an employee like you as part of our team. The job is done so gracefully and neatly. Very well done, dear usespy online. First of all. Thank you for making the work environment so friendly and taking your responsibility seriously and completing the work gracefully! You deserve so much.
Jordan you're a genuis master at making words from you're mind to the audience to solve a problem and plus have a simple explanation . Allah had chose you to be the our generation hero .what a man
I sadly partnered with someone fundamentally and malevolently unreliable. I’ve sacrificed myself for her and now it’s coming to a head. It took a lot for me to notice that. This video helped. Please don’t allow yourself to continue a relationship like that.
People want to pretend that it's the betrayed's fault because that makes them feel safer about their own relationships. Hearing about betrayal in someone's marriage, makes many people fear it might happen to them. Blaming the victim removes the fear. They're wrong, of course. People cheat because they want to, they have low character, and they can. They always think they can get away with it and many do as long as they don't push their luck. So many people DO push it though and they get caught and it's brutal.
Nice that Jordan will always make you reflect back on yourself. Even when you are the one betrayed, deep down we know we were at fault too so that it all got to that state. Thinking "I did everything right, I was the perfect partner" will just lead you straight to the next person and start over the process that will lead to a pretty similar place. Thanks Dr. Peterson.
@@Johnrider1234Kidding? How so? absolutely not. 2:42 "If that's how you feel it might be the key to why it happened to begin with" 3:18 "are you a complete door mat or blind beyond capacity to marry a narcissist?" 3:26 "do you have a pattern of associating with people like that?" 5:28 "who am I that this happened to me?" 6:00 "it also implies that you have the same capacity (for betrayal)" 8:13 "don't be the sort of person to whom that will happen again" 9:05 "have you encountered your own capacity for naive WILLFUL blindness? Probably. This has to be rectified" 11:08 "you have to mature past your naivety" And finally: 13:40 "PEOPLE hide a lot of unwanted things in the fog in THEIR relations and sometimes the consequence is deep betrayal" Of course, Peterson does vehemently condemn the act of betrayal, but all of the above remarks are aimed at introspection for the betrayed party. The core of being a psychotherapist is working out the pitfalls and shortcomings in their patients' psyche. Telling them they're absolutely blameless for the catastrophes in their lives won't help them grow past their current state, leading to a recurrence of the same mistakes, and this would make for a very pitiful therapist. Again, you may be the ideal partner, so that might not apply to you, but most people feel deep down that we aren't immaculate, that we have a lot of shadow inside, in short, that we are all sinners.
The victim is never at fault Cheating has nothing to do with problems in the relationship because it's not about solving any of them Or dealing with any of them
@@randomusername3873Yes, The act of cheating, when examined in a simplistic and isolated manner, is one-sided. But like everything else in life, attitudes in a relationship are not simplistic and can't be comprehended in isolation. If you paid attention to what was said in the video you'd grasp that cheating is usually not a single, isolated error, but rather a culmination on many many smaller mistakes plaguing the relationship for quite some time, blamed on both parties. Then again, maybe some people out there are born perfect and never commit the slightest mistake in their life, but I know I'm not one of them.
I just got out of a relationship where I was in love with someone for 5 years, we'd been engaged for about 4 and a half years, and yeah. Shortly after we'd gotten engaged she started cheating on and off with her ex and if I'd said I wasn't comfortable with them talking, she'd tell me I have nothing to worry about, he's just a friend, and she'd gaslight me into thinking I was controlling. But if I said it was okay, I'd have to live with the guilt and insecurities and she didn't have a care in the world The fact this got randomly recommended is pretty wild
![Twenty One Pilots - The Line (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Audio]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/XCz7WUotXs8/mqdefault.jpg)
Cheating is not a mistake. It’s a bad decision.
A mistake is forgetting to turn off the oven. A bad decision is knowingly leaving the oven on when you leave the house. Cheating is a conscious decision. There is never an excuse.
Neglecting fair needs of your spouse more and more - is that a mistake or a decision?
@@juricakonsec2337 that's a decision and the answer to that, is to sit down and hard talk about those needs. If goes on like this again, then divorce and start dating young chicks.
What if you grew up watching your parents cheating constantly and staying together and it became a learned behavior? What if you recognize the trauma there in your spouse and if the person is willing to try and grow and become a better person once the behavior and trauma has been put out in the open, and you both try to work through it together?
@@kelsiecaswell9845 you are not your spouse therapist. And if you choose to be, you're no longer a spouse for him/her. He/she will start dating while you are helping his/her mental problem. Ask yourself would you marry your therapist?
@@kelsiecaswell9845 no, just no. I dont know who youre trying to defend. But no, forget it.
My suggestion is to divorce a cheating spouse, the first time. I forgave it and reconciled in 2015. In 2021, she did it again. We finalized divorce last week.
Damn, sorry to hear you gave her a chance at redemption and she threw it away again.
@@johnnybgoode1726 This comment resonated with me.
Absolutely - There is no such thing as a second chance. See a lawyer and file immediately. My first wife went through 4 more victims after me, She never found whatever she was looking for. But I've been happily married for 45 years. You can only control your side of the relationship, Don't attempt to try to fix the other side. It will always end in failure.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry you had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Once a cheater always a cheater man, the only thing you can do is to try to improve by getting yourself in shape and looking for better partners
My husband said he's sorry he made a mistake. I said the only mistake you made was getting caught. I left him. Thank you, Jordan 🙏
That is an outstanding decision and not always easy to do. I had to do this when my wife had cheated on me. It was not easy, particularly when you have kids aged 10-13.
It's pathetic but funny in a way when people roll over for forgiveness right after being caught, but just before that they were frantically doing everything in their power to keep the deception going and avoid getting caught.
Yes!
@@BalaenicepsRex3
You made the right decision. Some of these bastards have the obligation of being “God’s gift to women(in their frigging mind)”.
My wife did the same thing I took half her pension. Alimony, children ;-)
That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him or her so you just dealt with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one-- living and seeing him everyday anticipating when will he or she do it again. Your videos are incredibly well done. No critique, thanks for doing this *Brian hacks online*
My partner have been having serious relationship with people in his working place .last month he was given a tour to Mexico for a month. I sought for an advice from *Brian* a friend of mine that has a spying profession in ict who helped me monitor his phone so that I can view his activities right here on my phone in the state.
I appreciate your guidance and encouragement in helping me track my spouse phone . I would not have been able to do it without you *Johnsonspy* . I am impressed by the superb work you do, and this time is no exception. It was not easy, but I knew I could count on you. I hope that you continue to embrace your creativity and utilize it in your work for as long as possible.
All you have to do to start is look up their name making use of your phone's browser to get to their platform and chat *BRIAN* about getting the spying done
No, what is wrong with you? You are choosing to live that way? Bonkers.
If your self worth is tied to your partner you have more pressing issues to deal with then that person cheating.
as someone who walked into the room while the mother of my child was having sex with her coworker right next to my son, i can say this helped me alot. its not just me that is hurting. hundreds of thousands people are hurting just like me. god bless u jordan peterson
Devastating. So sorry you had to experience that trauma. My wife cheated as well, and the pain is pure torture.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I know God will restore your life. Maybe your self-esteem is broken now, but remember you are valuable, important, handsome, and worthy of love. God bless you 🙏
That's very f sad scene for the eyes to even see. Wishing you good life ahead
you kept your head and did not go in six guns blazing
a win for you
@@richardhead3211 Retribution/anger and revenge are always on the verge. Having a child probably helped him from not exploding and going to prison. I know my two young daughters saved me from making a terrible decision. I figured out a way to destroy my wife's lover and it was a thing of beauty without violence.
He says it's highly unlikely the relationship could be recovered. Instead it's more important to understand how and why this happened and what your role in it was - if you don't do this properly it will happen again. So just dumping them isn't enough, you need to dump your old self too which isn't as simple.
Well said.
Indeed, doing the same thing and expecting different results is crazy.
Jordan says that.
Exactly this
I was listening for the probability in his response and he doesn't go there. While you may go find statistics around 'recovered' relationships after betrayal (if they even exist), in an individual case, the statistics don't matter. What matters are the steps required to amend the trust and relationship, and they do sound extremely difficult. In the circumstance where you are ready willing and able to go through those steps, I would say the likelihood goes up significantly.
I was 4 months pregnant with the love of my life's baby when he admitted he had cheated on me 6 months prior whilst away with work. I was shattered. As Jordan said, "To betray someone who deeply trusts you, is to demolish the foundation of the relationship itself." In my mind, I had left the relationship then and there. I had no idea what to do with that, how to 'fix it' or if I ever could fix it. We stayed together for a few more years, but to me his cheating meant I wasn't 'his girl' any more, nor was I ever.
He confessing by his own means he felt guilty and wanted to amend it, isn't it? Just as Jordan said it should happen, is a much needed step to fix things, even if not a pretty one.
You should ask yourself why aren't you willing to trust him again (or anyone by that matter) and why would you have to be someone that is cheated on in first place.
As you want God's forgiveness, so forgive. Trust can be a gift.
@@marcello256256 Let those who have ears, hear.
Hilarious story
To be fair, men and women view sex differently. For men, sex can be purely a physical urge. Whereas women on some level have to develop an emotional connection for another person while simultaneously losing her partner's. Though I understand how difficult it is to see things from the perspective of the opposite gender. Cheating is bad, but it's significantly worse from a woman.
My dad constantly cheated on my mother throughout their 40+ years together. It just became easier for him each time. I kept asking my mother why she accepted this behaviour and stayed in the marriage with a cheater, her response was because she loves him. May I never find myself in that kind of a marriage.
There is a difference between love and obsession ones obsession can even accept his lover even if he is a mafia or murderer I’m not saying ur dad is bad person I mean sorry to say I’m not judging but ur dad is taking ur mom for granted or either might be difference of physical intimacy and satisfaction
@@dawninkster4 amen in Jesus name
Love has some semblance of respect. I often tell my son that, as a man in training, it is his duty to respect a woman/woman in training, even if she doesn't respect herself.
Maybe she doesn’t love him, but she doesn’t know how to love herself.
Cheaters are thieves of another’s TIME in life.
LIARS first.
Very well put. If it's any consolation however, please remember that we DO have some control over the length and severity of this sentence. I learned from my wife's affair (with a married co-worker) that the sooner I could get to the point of forgiving her, the better
that it was going to be for me. When I forgave her I was set free from all of the pain, torment and anger that I had been experiencing.
It was a gift that I gave to myself. It was as if I was locked up in a jail cell and the act of forgiveness was analogous to the key to open
my cell and the realization that I HAD THE KEY IN MY POSSESSION ALL ALONG! I was SET FREE. But that's not all. In Matthew 18:21-35
it essentially say that if we want Jesus to forgive OUR SINS, we must act in like fashion to forgive the sins of others. I hope that what
I have said speaks to both your emotions as well as YOUR SOUL.
@@billcarney829truth spoken. I am struggling with forgiving him and her. I am often so angry at them. This scares me, because if I cannot truly forgive them, God will not forgive me.
Narcissists are really great at finding depressed spouses and take advantage of this vulnerability. I’ve seen it happen so many times.
✋ right here
Yes! I met an abusive narcissist that preyed on depressed stay at home Moms.
Shoot I just got a phone thrown at me & slapped smh
In the case of my maternal grandmother, I had been told after the death of her second husband (my grandpa) he had once cheated on her and, after she learnt it, she had told him she wasn't scared to divorce a second time (her first husband was an abusive drunkard and divorcing him had already brought her the courage to respect herself), even though she was a Catholic believer in the early 70s and my mom was still a baby. One of her widowed sister was even ready to take her and my mom under her wing. Luckily for my grandpa, he woke up and understood how wrong he had been, courted again and reconquered my grandma after a lot of time and hard work. Then, he never stopped treating his wife and my mom like queens, learnt to cook himself, helped cleaning the house and worked harder at his job to afford and create a better loving home. He would never spare any expense to make his wife and daughter happy, like I was told. Still, my grandma then told me he was a rare exception worth forgiving once, and not all men would have worked so hard on their mistake at the time.
I will never forget this segment of Jordan’s talk ever. I played it aloud with my adult daughter next to me. We had a very long conversation about it afterwards. I had quite a few revelations about my past because of this clip. Betrayal ( in its many forms ) is a dark and deadly force and few can withstand the shattering it causes. It is not only whether you can ever forgive, for me it is also if you can piece yourself back together again and still remain mostly who you were before and somehow trust again. On the matter of infidelity for me is that it would be over.
Hear, hear! Very well put.
I agree with you and I find it also important that we discuss this kind of matter to our daughter ans son's. Betrayal leaves scars, some deeper then others. I've been in that path twice, fortunately and unfortunately. Fortunately, cause I believe that if wasn't that way, I may never woked up and learn about self-love and learn more about myself. And unfortunately cause, of course no one likes to be in any kind of pain, especially when it cames to relationships. I´ve learned that we human beings "Only learns in pain". And if we can be more open to talk about it, with our kids, without "imposing" our ideas and beliefs, they will have more emotional intelligence and learn more about them selfs and be more self aware in regards their feelings, insecurities and etc. Like you said, and its true the "trust again" is more complicated, to say the least. Cause deep down, it feels like you will never trust again 100%. And YES, Infidelity NO THANKS!!!
Well said, not easy facing my situation for the past 3weeks, trying to win my way out of my court case when it comes to getting my kids back
I'm back but the old me is gone
@@alexandrasantos4648 so true
True loyalty is hard to come by in today's world.
That's a good observation and it should temper your expectations of people in general.
Try to discuss everything with your partner before you marry. Build a solid foundation of interpersonal communication. Both people have to be healthy emotionally. Discuss any fears or doubts.
@@francesbeth2077 What has that got to do with loyalty.
The thing is there are no shortage of loyal people today, but I do agree they are hard to find
Amen 🙏🏿
Was watching this video 3 months ago and desperately hoped I could save my marriage after my wife cheated. Thousands of dollars in marriage counseling later, I’ve learned once a cheater always a cheater. Hard pill to swallow but save yourself the trouble and move on.
Yessir, I wasted 8 years on a repeated offender of cheating. They don't learn if you don't leave them. When you give them another chance they just learn they can manipulate you.
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully you're in a better place now.
If you (the generic 'you', not You in particular) come to the conclusion that "once a cheater, always a cheater" and end your conclusions here, you may still fail to learn something important about the only factor in such situations over which you have some limited measure of control: yourself.
If you want to avoid being betrayed in the future, you may use the occasion to ask yourself questions such as:
- What led me to be attracted to her/him in the first place?
- Do I have a pattern of being attracted to people who prove unreliable in a relationship?
- Did I evince sufficient dependability throughout the relationship?
It is sure comforting to cling to the mantra of "once a cheater, always a cheater", but for the sake of ensuring your future happiness, it is worth remembering that you did select this person at some point. And delving into the 'why' of it might help you clarify for yourself who you are, who you want to be, and who you want to be with.
The fact that you believe your situation is somehow a universal truth shows a level of narcissism that likely contributed to your relationship’s demise. You will continue to have relationship trouble in the future as you have failed to even try to understand your part in it.
@@wanker2us What specifically in my statement is pseudo-psychology?
My wife cheated on me and had a baby with her X after 7 years of marriage.
It’s hard when you get cheated on, she left me to be with him and i never even got the chance to repair my marriage.
I had to do a DNA test, i was so torn with doing this it took its toll on me.
What was to follow was the hardest 5 years of my life, my mother died 4 months after my wife left.
My grandfather died after 11
Months and he helped me get through the cheating.
And then my brother died in Iraq who also helped me throughout it.
Life can be cruel and people will hurt you but you can’t let it define you.
I still have my dad he’s my best friend.
To all the peoples who have been cheated on I’m sorry that it happened but never forget your a warrior and you’ll get past it.
Sending luv ❤
WOW! You have really been through the fire! You came out the other side though! Good for you, and I wish you every happiness that can possibly come your way. You certainly deserve it. Bless you.
@@JaneJones-lg3bd thanks for those kind words and i wish you the same happiness.
A tough journey indeed, it must have been marred with so much pain. May you find yourself and love again.
You are a real warrior.
god damn it man, wish u the best
To summarize:
JP said no.
To make the answer a little longer: You can forgive her and work your way towards regaining the trust in people. The thing is that this new trust requires courage and is often way better when you choose another person to trust (basically not your spouse). So you basically can be the luckiest person in the world and be able to go through the crisis with your partner, but that's nearly impossible.
He didn't say this exactly but the true answer would be to let her/him go and build courage to substitute your naivety as the first step to be able to trust someone again.
Best wishes.
There's also a big emphasize on the fact that afterwards or before that you need to analyze yourself on why it happened to you, what you did and/or didn't do enough to let that happen so that you could become the person that wouldn't happen to again.
@@SensonW I think he is dead wrong on that, he cannot control the other person and it felt like he just excuses the wife cheating a lot in this. No excuse for cheating
@@James_36 Not excusing but trying to find a reason and how you can adjust your behavior in the future to prevent it. Maybe you are looking at the wrong type of people, maybe you should be putting more into the relationship, maybe you should take things more slowly in the next relationship, etc. Its the muggers fault that he stole from me, but I can still adjust my behavior in the future and perhaps avoid going through this bad neighborhood late at night in the future to prevent future occurrences.
But it is possible, if the other person is also willing to change too. He was talking about how you can reconstruct your relationship because you both change so much, that is as if you're both new people. But it needs both parties to be willing and to really, really want to change. If one of them doesn't then there's no way to do that. It's not just up to the person being cheated to forgive, it's also up to the person who cheated to prove that'll never happen again. It's hard to do, because it not only requiers all your strength combined, but also to accept the fact that that relationship might never be built up again.
It's like being willing to die. Your old self dies and a new self is built up. No one wants to die (change), that only happens if you truly, really love that person. People are only willing to die for love.
The greatest response to one of the hardest questions ever asked to anyone. Jordan really understands the human condition.
Speaking from experience, I think the biggest danger in 'forgiveness' is that you don't forgive at all, and you use the betrayal as a license to exact your own revenge, which is a far worse poison than the betrayal itself. When the relationship is done, and it will be, you're not only left to pick up the pieces of your life, but to also live with what you allowed yourself to become as a result.
This is profoundly exact
👏👏👏...
That was THE MOST insightful things I have ever read, contemplated, or made a connection with. You have definitely been through the self evaluation crucible. Allow forgiveness to move through you until gratitude begins to bring healing. Then find all the other hurt and wounded people, like me, and light the way out.
God this hits fucking hard. Been through that.
I did this. I was cheated on so I kept her around and allowed myself to hate her. Then, when I found someone who I thought was better, I cut the first girl out of my life and told her I found someone better. In part I enjoyed it, because part of me hated her, but I also felt sadness and guilt seeing her crying and humiliating herself to get me to stay - because another part of me still loved her. I moved forward with the rebound girl, for about 9 months, until she broke up with me. I didn't miss her though - I missed the first girl. I felt like I had been torn and part of me was left there in the room where I told her I met someone else, kind of like a horcrux in the harry potter movies. I had effectively killed the memory of someone and left a part of myself behind. I felt deep remorse because I had since forgiven her, but even worse than that the love I had when I "killed" her returned, and I had to deal with it while she had already moved on and found happiness somewhere else. This is what I meant when I said a part of me was left behind - in some respects it felt like it was only yesterday when I had cut her off, but it really was a year ago. I learned a few valuable lessons from that whole experience
Breach of trust... to the curb... you'd never trust that person again....
No that's not how humans work. People break trust quite often, the question is whether they atone for it and change.
Nobody's perfect.
@@immanuelcunt7296 when someone cheats on their spouse; they show they love their self more than they love their spouse.
Agreed. that sort of betrayal will mean you can never fully trust that person again and it will eat you alive.
yes, follow the advice above, but dump the whore.
If both parties really work on fixing the marriage, it can make the relationship stronger. People make mistakes
Serial cheating is different. If the cheater takes your forgiveness as PERMISSION to cheat, get out
@@recoveringsoul755 cheating isn't 'a mistake'. maybe it reflects poorly on me, but i have been cheated on and it is life destroying. yes, fix yourself, but i for one cannot see how i would ever get past that.
It’s not about the affair.
It’s NEVER about the affair.
It goes way deeper than that.
Lack of self reflection plays a huge part.
Love the way J.P pulls it apart layer by layer and he’s absolutely spot on.
People are so unconscious that when something like this occurs,they’re thrown for a six.
As someone who divorced because of an affair I agree 100%. I was living in a dream world, he brought me to reality real quick. I am grateful it happened, I am more aware now.
It's their debauched carnal pleasures that drive them.
The partner/spouse may be all a man/woman desires but to fill their lust and insatiable desire to be 'all that', they will forever betray you.
It's not about you, it's all about them.
@@show_me_your_kitties Exactly ... we are deluded into thinking that we can trust our partner 100%. Unfortunately, this is naivety.
When I got married, I told my husband: "I trust only once and never again."
It is impossible not to see them and yourself in a different light.
"Yeah, I knew Yani and her husband. This one time he didn't put the toilet seat down when he said he would, and that was it. She trusted him only once and then never again. They broke up the next day. Sad story."
@@VG-fk6nk 😆
And yet you are still here, so I am guessing he did cheat on you despite the warning
Did you neglect him?.That's when men cheat. We need affection, sex, love and attention.
*Yep, if your significant other cheat just let the other person have them. Finding out why is meaningless and only an ego stroke for the cheater. Thank the other person for taking your significant other off your hands because it finally made you accept the change”… wish them the very best of luck “because they’re certainly going to need it.”*
Cheating in a relationship is an unforgivable betrayal of trust that can not be remedied, at least for me.
There is no excuse for it and, again for me, marks your character as a person as flawed beyond redemption, in the regards to an relationship.
Yes, from myself or the other person.
After the third time I set my self free….. it was still heartbreaking. But now Im remarried and truly happy and we’re in love.
It all depends. There are many deal breakers in a relationship. Cheating is just one. I can imagine a real asshole of a person complaining that their partner cheated.
@@redtobertshateshandles Sure there are many different "deal breakers" in a relationship, but few as unredeemable as cheating.
And as said to me there is no excuse for cheating in a relationship, none.
It doesn't matter how bad your partner was there is always another way, like splitting up or talking with your partner, there is simply no excuse for such behavior as cheating.
Ignoring and neglecting ones partner fair needs, is that cheating or not?
Abusing the partner - is that cheating or not?
Cheating is a one strike you’re out, type of ballgame. Faithfulness is one of the four main keys to a successful marriage. Honesty, trust and respect are the other three.
Love is just an emotion that builds its house upon those four cornerstones as its foundation.
Love is not an emotion nor a feeling, it's a decision, just like cheating.
Betrayal in any form cuts the legs out from under a marriage. In my (now divorced) experience it can't be undone. It just will never be the same. The fact that Mr. Peterson essentially makes that point here gives me confidence that it was okay to part ways. I can stop asking myself 'did we try hard enough?'
Same here.
I dated her for three years and I trusted her completely. She had my complete trust. I thought we were a team working together.
I don't think she realized the full extent of the damage she did.
It was my first marriage (I've had two and am now single) and when I discovered this betraya, I didn't know what to do or how to go forward.
We went for counseling, That seemed to be the logical thing to do for lack of any better ideas.
Of course it was all my fault she cheated within the first six months of our marriage, I made her do it, and I was making a big deal out of nothing.
She never accepted responsibility for her actions, never apologized, never admitted wrong doing, did nothing to try and build the trust back, never promised to never do it again, her future loyalty to our relationship was conditional on how she felt about me, and insisted it was no big deal and I was making a big deal out of nothing.
Believe it or not we stayed married for three years and as far as I know she never cheated again but now I knew she could, I just couldn't get passed it and she did nothing to help me get passed it either. She just swept it under the rug and wanted to continue like it had never happened. No big deal to her.
After three years I finally had enough of her rebellious nature, I just couldn't trust her anymore and it was eating away at me. Every time I looked at her, I looked at her as a trader from within. Sometimes I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. I divorced her.
It went pretty smooth, no house, no kids....
The no kids and no house was on my insistence due to my lack of trust in her. I didn't want to be eternally connected to someone who betrayed me and I didn't trust.
I had enough money to buy a house cash and was making enough money that if she so chose, she could be a stay at home mom, but I took it all off the table when she betrayed me. Why would I want to give her anything SHE wanted after she did something like that to me? It would be like rewarding her for her bad behavior.
Women.
I am just shaking my head.
Sometimes it seems like they are all relationship suicidal.
@@im1who84uI understand where you’re coming from. My husband is the main provider and i am a stay at home wife as we are a military family and he’s the active duty. I may not be perfect but I don’t think I deserved to be cheated on. Since he makes money, he has the advantage. I had no career. But everything changed after he cheated. I insist as well not having children because I haven’t fully recovered from the cheating even though he is not doing it anymore. I know he is capable now. I’m still with him.. but we will see.
@@relaxcalmly1742 pls make sure he is a changed man before having children, if you can ever trust him. Or else you will be trapped forever.
@@relaxcalmly1742 I'm in the exact opposite situation. My spouse cheated on me
@PigPeejumsAre you religious?
I like how JP takes these issues seriously and is able to reflect the deep pain and anguish of such a situation. So often adulterers are excused. I dated someone who admitted that he had cheated on his ex wife with 2 extended affairs. I was never able to trust him... Being a cheater stays with you forever
I love how JP thinks before answering most questions he’s asked. He actually stops and THINKS about the most logical and helpful answer he can. That’s someone who actually cares about solving things. He uses his logic and years of experience to try and come up with a solution. I respect the hell out of this man.
I wish therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists and clinical psychotherapists had an inch of the care and thought this person has towards humanity in general!! The depth he went to is astounding, and the dissecting of the issue at hand in such an interesting and fascinating way left me speechless! I am looking forward to his talk in Norway, this spectacular and pure human being is a god given gift! ❤
Have you ever heard an advice from Russian Mafia Boss? If not, please come to this channel 👈 and watch you will never regret
Yeah I think it’s his connection to real life and use of his soul that makes him able to be sensible and not just looking to help people.
It was a jaw dropper for me too. Astonishing insight!
When you go to venue make sure your headphones are on. Green purple hairs are shouting outside.
@@truthteller3024 hahahaha seriously?💀😂
It's been a month and half since I found out. It's the most painful emotional experience I've ever felt.
for men the worst decision is to stick, probably of this worlds worst decision.
Find someone else
Its not your fault. Some people are just rotten to the core, got to keep looking to find the good ones
I understand. I just found out too. It really hurts.
@@gabriellejackson6327 I know it does. And there’s no sense in sugar coating things: It will continue to hurt. The pain will ebb and flow. Some days will be manageable, and then some days will be hell. This kind of betrayal is horrid. If you have a core group of close friends and family, rely on them. Don’t become a recluse like I did. These first few months do your best and not be completely secluded from those you trust. You’ll need them. While saying things like “it’ll get better” is a bit too cliché for me, I will say as someone who is almost 8 months into this, the pain does begin to dim. An emotional callous will form. You’ll make it through this. Some days it’ll seem impossible, but as Peterson likes to say, people are much tougher than they realize. You’ve got this, Gabrielle.
First one is betrayed, then one is in denial before reality sinks in. Then and only then can one actually focus to see, and think clearly in order to move forward in the marriage or divorce. Betrayal is the worst in any relationship. Thank you, Jordan. ✝️❤️
What goes on between you and all your relationships is as much in the hands of the understanding of God as anything.
The vast majority of therapists, especially those who come through the lineage of Freud and Judeo Christianity with pseudo scientific emphasis on 'inherent neurosis' and 'inherent sin' want to play God, but do not know God.
At best, a therapist might be able to facilitate a client's higher consciousness or the higher consciousness of a couple (aka their connection to God) to come through in a session, but that is not what modern psychotherapy is about. It's about making money and perpetuating a superiority complex.
This complex, as hinted at, comes from, among other places, an unconscious connection to Yahwist consciousness, or those trying to embody or understand ancient Canaanite volcano gods in some way. Yes, it sounds strange, but don't underestimate the unconscious importance of Yaweh in Western culture. Don't estimate how this connection influenced early modern psychology, and the resultant lack-of-enlightenment-masquerading-as-enlightenment.
To reiterate, Yawists like to play God, but do not know God.
@@tommckellen4289 You are only partially correct. It’s true that Jesus Christ/Yeshua Hamashiach is our counselor and our greatest physician because he healed in the flesh and continues to heal many in spirit. That being said, if one is sick, one goes to the doctor for treatment and antibiotics if needed. Some need to simply talk things out. If you get a toothache, you go to the dentist, if you need glasses you go to an optometrist, etc…I have never needed to visit a psychologist because I’m very grounded and I have been a Christian since forever. I go to God in prayer. You should realize not everyone is a Christian, however, even Christians get sick. Medicines and doctors aren’t evil because even Christians have a bodily flesh and can become ill. God gives different gifts and talents. Some are doctors, some are teachers,some are scientists, some are lawyers, etc. James 1:17 “We all have different talents and God-given gifts, but they are all important and can be used for God’s kingdom.” Colossians 4:14 refers to Luke as the beloved physician. Yes, physicians were around in biblical times. Even the Good Samaritan took the Jew to the doctor. Where do you think medicine comes from??? Medicine comes from God’s created green earth. Almighty Father God is the greatest physician, mathematician, scientist, architect, poet, etc… because He is THE creator of everything and everyone. Have a wonderful and blessed evening. ✝️🙏🏻🕊
Sharing a little Christian sense of humor;
There was a Christian man and his city was experiencing dangerous flooding. Everyone was advised and later ordered to evacuate their homes and seek safety. The Christian man was praying to God for a sign of whether to evacuate or stay put.
Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. It was his neighbor offering him a ride to safety. The Christian man kindly rejected his neighbors offer because he was waiting for a sign from God. The water was quickly rising and so the man went to the second floor of the house. He was still praying for a sign from God. Sure enough, an official with a rescue boat came to assist him in the evacuation process and get him to higher ground for his safety. The man rejected the offer. The flooding had reached the second floor so the Christian man went to the top of his roof. A first responder ⛑ in a helicopter came to the Christian man and offered to rescue him. The Christian man again rejected the offer and he drowned. When he was in front of God, he asked God why did you let me drown? God replied, I sent you three signs but you rejected all three. You rejected your neighbors help, the official in the rescue boat and even the first aid helicopter responder.
God’s message is beautiful and simple; love Him as your only God with all your heart, soul, and might. Love your neighbor as yourself, forgive so you to can be forgiven and help the less fortunate because you help God. Share His love and His WORD with others. Always be humble and lovingkindness goes a long way. Love and put God first and others before yourself. Be of service to your fellowman. It’s really simple. ✝️🙏🏻🕊
@@tommckellen4289That's a contradiction as god won't keep a marriage together either 😂
Powerful. You know, when his hands start gesturing like that, that you're gonna have to wait, but you can expect to hear something profoundly genius.
In 1978 I was married for 3 years, had 2 babies and found my husband in bed with his secretary. He left and we divorced. I was 26 with no job. I’m now 70 and it still hurts horribly. You forgive but don’t forget. It nearly killed me. Life is never the same after that trauma. You somehow by the grace of God, pick yourself up and in my case with 2 sons and make the best of things. My sons are fine young men with good wives and blessed children. Life doesn’t always happen like you planned. Betrayal is like child abuse. It’s a breach of trust that you can’t ever get back. You find happiness but it’s never really the same again.
“Betrayal is like child abuse.”💡
This really touched me. I have been my whole life avoiding my biggest issues, and they’ve become big enough. This world needs integer people, that are able act truthfully. Thank you Dr. Peterson.
One of the clearest thinkers and speakers I've ever heard. He takes such a complex situation here and distills it to points and questions that are so logical, easy to understand, and completely on the mark.
Cheating IS NOT a mistake. It's a personal choice. Nobody cheats just once. There will allways be a second time, third time , fourth time......if you stay with them. You can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. You can forgive and still cut all ties.
Infidelity and physical abuse are permanent deal breakers.
No if you dont reconcile you still haven't forgiven them. You are just lying to yourself. Its just delusion, but you are too ignorant and unconscious to realize this
Preach sister. Preach
Honestly true,
I found out 3 weeks back by the hands of a computerist while instagraming
@@Jameson_luke she was cheating on me with her ex baby daddy. Never said sorry and wouldn't admit it even with proof of her texts. Her kids will no longer love me sadly.
Leave… you’ll resent them in one way or another, if you don’t..
You can truly love someone and even go as far as never loving again, but if that person cheats you HAVE to leave. Your self worth is still very important and what they did is a complete betrayal of your trust, they took the most essential part of a relationship, trust, and broke it, willingly, that person is not your ally anymore, and therefore they must go.
Jordan makes people ask the tough questions that one needs to get their lives back on track.👍
This man really hit the ground running and hasn't stopped yet. He gives us more understanding of him without interviews and negative antics he just shows us who he is through the Recovery. True living legend. We salute you. *Brian hacks Online* . The execution, creativity, and goodness that came from it were inspiring on a number of levels. Cheers Alex & looking forward to seeing what you do next!
Working with you is an honor, working without you was an absolute horror. Working under you is a pleasure, an experience that I will truly treasure. Thanks, for getting access to target's phone *Brian hacks online*
As someone who married a narcissist discovering they cheated repeatedly was hell. It took my life from bad to worse. I was already struggling with my health and overnight became a single mother. I spent years wading through that trauma making sure my child healed and forgetting about myself. Finally focusing on myself to heal made a world of difference. Also it revealed deeper trauma in my life. And found there are still people who deserve my trust.
0:07 - It's moments like this when someone as smart as Jordan Peterson gets asked a complex question addressing a serious topic and he takes a good seventeen seconds to think of an answer.
Even the greatest thinkers sometimes still need a moment to collect their thoughts.
Normally 17 seconds would be a rather short time to think about something but when its someone like Jordan you know thats years of knowledge and experience crammed into every moment of consideration. I'm sure I could spend a whole year considering my answer and hardly scratch the surface of what he knows.
LET HIM COOK
To be a 'fly on the wall' during the process of formulating and organizing the data.. Canada's greatest mind.
He's just thinking about where to start
Despite all the bullshit people have to say about JP you can tell from doing this as long as he has he manifests a genuine sorrow and pain when people go through some real shit.
Could we admit cheating causes PTSD?
His cheating certainly was the proverbial "straw" that resulted in a clinical diagnosis of full-blown non-combat related CPTSD.😢
YESSSSSS
It happened to me in 2012. Seems like it was minutes ago. PTSD and PISD. Yes, that's actually real. She destroyed many parts of me and I haven't healed yet. Most likely won't. Hard to believe what I've become.
If you see your spouse cheating on you, the imagery repeats in your mind for over 18 months.
I cried just now. Thats the onlu reason I am still here with here my two girls.@@MP55347
This happened to me as a very young man and it’s only made me stronger and sharper than ever and I’m glad God showed early in my life.
Found out about the first affair when my son was 4 months old. And we tried to save the marriage just like JP said. Turns out the whole truth never came out. This happened over and over again in the course of 3 years. In the end it was imposible to move forward. From my own experience it is a battle that has no good outcomes no matter what
If I might guess, I believe only you tried to save the relationship. The other person didn’t even compromise. This is what happens in many similar cases.They will never give out the whole truth. In the meantime, the betrayed will walk on eggshells not to scare the cheater, and try to be perfect so that this does not happen again. You can be perfect but it will happen again unless the cheater wants to change.
@@EYlm-qv1hyand what if cheater wants to correct their mistake ....
@@_.Arif.fuck em
When my ex husband cheated, he made it clear what he thought of me. I left mentally and soon after I left physically.
And was never really a husband. You deserve better, and I also know the pain you felt. Hope you are doing well.
Good job 👏🏽, it’s a waste of staying to idiot
@@PJHEATERMAN kiss much ass?
Actions speak louder than words, nothing can be said at that point to makeup for such behavior. You did the right thing 👍
I think that is the best summary of all
As someone who’s been cheated on in every relationship, this is really helpful. I finally married someone who I swore was different. Apparently he was cheated on by his ex wife and previous girlfriends but he never had. Well guess what, he chose me as his first person to ever cheat on while I was pregnant with his son and he was working out of state. I’ve been trying to trust ever since because he made changes that showed me he felt bad and would change. Unfortunately no matter how many trackers he puts on himself or how many times he gives he passwords to his phone etc…I can’t seem to feel like I fully trust him. It’s like there’s nothing he can do to gain my absolute trust back even tho he’s trying and I actually do want to trust him. I just can’t seem to :(
As someone that has been cheated on more than I care to admit, the last guy I was dating told me a few things that were hard pills to swallow, but they made sense.
The first thing was that if I truly wanted to move forward with him, I had to decide if I could forgive him first, and that had to be something I figured out quickly. Bcuz what happens is we don't forgive and we will keep bringing it up, or make little comments, and also we treat the cheater differently. For me personally, it was a decision I made based on what he was going to do to change his behaviors. Basically, if he wanted me to move forward and not constantly throw it in his face, and to not have to talk about it again, he would have to do A, B, and C. In a way that seemed fair, bcuz no one wants to be constantly reminded of their mistakes. What would be the point of him changing his behaviors if I kept bringing up the past and treating him like shit for it? Why even bother if I refused to see the changes he had made?
In the end it didn't matter, he went back to his old ways and eventually dumped me for her, so 🤷♀️ But at least I learned what I can and cannot do to compromise.
Although it hurts I would say drop a cheater, as a guy who had cheated in the past or missed out on good females that pain is carried forever. Maybe also because of the fact I really want to be a good guy now since the last 3 years I'm 30 now. I used to cheat when I was younger 19 - 23 and partied allot and got attention of all kind of females. Also due the fact I was djing at young age.
Most imporant indicator is someones lifestyle I would say. Do not listen to the words, that goes for men and women. Ofcourse communicate your needs ect, I'm serious about not paying to much attention to the words people speak.
I'm about to date this female but see some red flags, if I'm not able to feel fully trusted in her I will just leave. Without trust there is nothing to build on.
Women like you pick bad boys over nice guys. You get what you get
@@RomeReactions lol, blame women for everything. Its never the man that cheated fault, it's always the woman.
@@bibaolaitan5189 No, but if someone is being cheated on by most of their partners, there is a common denominator at play. Some people are inherently bad people and should not get involved with. Many people lack to skills to figure that out and are drawn to bad people as that poster suggested. Yes, it is bad people's fault for cheating, but repeating the same mistakes makes it everyone's fault.
I'll never forget how, in just a matter of hours, my life went from heaven to hell when my mom caught my dad cheating. As a 10 year old, I could not understand how my strong, intelligent, handsome, Catholic father could do such a thing, and how my loving, God-fearing paternal grandparents could condone it without the slightest hesitation in my presence.
Two decades later, the wound remains open.
A cheating parent is cheating on the children too...
Your father is a human being... Maybe he wasn't getting what he needed emotionally and found it elsewhere.. Ask him.
@@redtobertshateshandlesyeah no. Aint no sympathizing cheaters. If there we no needs met, mans couldve communicated it with his wife or just straight up divorced to find what he wanted. Still would have to be responsible for his kid though
As explained in the video, the story of the cheating could be very deep and long-going.
The cheating (and violence) starts when we ignore reasonable needs of people around us.
Grandparents condone it so easily possibly because they did not trust their daughter (or son) in law and/or her (his) parents anyway, but possibly for other reasons including their own pathology and pathology in their relation to their children.
The search for who started the cheating often very well leads to grandparents and even further.
@@juricakonsec2337 The cheating starts when we ignore reasonable needs of people around us?🤪 Shotup you little dork.
"The cheater starts cheating whe he/she is irresponsible and malevolent"
He's such a good therapist.
Even better
The rapist indeed
That was one of the most conscientious and fair ways of saying "almost certainly not" that I have witnessed.
This is one of the deepest most vulnerable answers that Dr. Peterson has said.
I sure love when they are together like this , such a incredible couple 🤗😘
She's not saying a word. He's doing all the talking. Rambling.
On of my parents cheated on the other. I have never felt so deeply hurt in my life, to see two of the people I love the most in this world going through such horrible situation. Is very different when is about your parents, because there is no longer clear what to do or what to think. It seems they recovered from it, and it's been years since then, but something broke that day, and was never the same.
So sorry you went through that.
It's horrible .. i went throug the same experience
Applies to all betrayals.
my partner cheated on me, 1 week after i gave birth to our daughter, with a coworker i had been suspicious of already for months. He tells me it was a one time thing and if the tables were turned he would forgive me. Its been just over a month at this point and i can’t see it working. Its such a fucking shitty situation to be in, especially postpartum. This helped alot.
Your man is such a son of a b*tch, i hope he gets it back horribly
You can break things off if its too much to handle, especially now that you have a dependent infant under your wing. You can be apart but have him actively participate in his daughter's life
He crossed a line, I'm a man and even I can admit that.
I feel so sorry for you:( I have heard so many stories of males cheating when the woman is pregnant/postpatrum. They are awful human beings. If I were you, I'd leave him.
@T B exactly. he must be a truly disgusting person to cheat on a woman who has just created life. what's wrong with them/
This man really hit the ground running and hasn't stopped yet. He gives us more understanding of him without interviews and negative antics he just shows us who he is through the Recovery. True living legend. We salute to team usespy online. The execution, creativity, and goodness that came from it were inspiring on a number of levels. Cheers Alex & looking forward to seeing what you do next!
This was an absolute brilliant response by Dr. Peterson. I've never heard anyone articulate so accurately an understanding of relationships and human nature. Like honestly it's kinda absurd how true this rings, and the fact that you don't hear advice like this anywhere else shows how valuable his perspective is to society.
There is no bs here. It would be a monumental task to ever be able to once again trust someone who cheated. Is it possible? In theory sure. The better question is should you trust them again? The wise answer would be no.
If a spouse cheats you immediately talk to every divorce lawyer in town and do your best to make sure she gets nothing
Or he, more likely. Its a symptom of problem in relationships. Find the CAUSE, and fix that
And no fault divorce states infidelity doesn't matter. Nobody gets more for being the cheater or the victim, unless you can prove they spent money in the other person
@@recoveringsoul755 Often times the cause is just that the wife is selfish. She's the one who broke her vows and acted with deceit
@@jameslebeau7078 husband's cheat more often. Maybe it has something to do with external plumbing. Maybe they don't think it's a big deal because it's ONLY sex. But a woman has to allow another man INSIDE her body. It's just different for women. As JP says, sex is a bigger deal for women, riskier, because they can get pregnant.
They can BOTH get diseases tho. Like my ex Husband, incurable STD.
@@recoveringsoul755 the fact you think cheating has to be sex says more about you than you intended to reveal. My cheating ex had a long lasting emotional relationship with a college classmate while i was busting my butt at work. They never had sex but it was the worst thing she could have done for our relationship. I would be more likely to forgive her if she had killed someone in cold blood, than for cheating.
An important and worthwhile commentary that every married person should hear.
*Respect* and *Trust* are the most important parts of any relationship, you won’t in good heart betray someone you sincerely care for; you’d have enough respect to break it off regardless of your situations.
You can forgive; but you won’t forget.
I have an interesting perspective. I became the guy women cheated with. More than one woman, 4-5. You start to view the world and yourself differently. Once you’re the one who has no skin in the game, you see that most women are in Limerance. That can be preyed upon like a wounded rabbit. All it takes is the right kind of hello, and a charming smile. Men typically cheat if A. They don’t care or B. Their spouse has made them feel so undesirable they jump at any outside affection. Both parties are wrong, but misery loves company.
1 - Kick ‘em to the curb.
2 - Allow yourself to grieve and heal, no matter how long it takes.
3 - Focus on the family you have left & yourself.
Good advice.
Survive and thrive.
8:30 That's my first wife to a T. She couldn't help herself, she couldn't be honest. I was married to her for seven years. It ended forty years ago and I don't think I completely recovered from her until I went into therapy following the death of my second wife, who, like me, was faithfull.
Dr Peterson is quite right ( of course ), the only way to recover is to re-evaluate yourself. I did not, and set myself up for a pattern of rejection and manipulation for years, and it was only the most fantastic luck that I met a lady who would be with me for 24 years until her death.
I am still alone after five years, 'cos I'm not repeating the pattern. I'd rather stay alone than do that.
15:25 Exactly, and it needs to happen even if the relationship ends, or you'll carry it with you into the next one. I wish I'd heard this 40 years ago.
I’ve been cheated on so many times I can’t even remember the last time I got angry. Mainly because, like jp said, I take my part in it. Being too naive and being someone that it could happen to. I’m not saying I think I deserve it, but I really don’t see it as a loss. My heart used to get destroyed by people failing me, but I have always had faith that what was meant for me would always be mine. I think it’s alright to let things go that aren’t meant for us. I thank God for all the times I didn’t get what my heart thought it wanted the most. I don’t want to block my blessings by not being able to move on and keep my spirit. I cannot control what the other person does in the relationship, so if I did the best I could for my part, all I can do is let it go.
Something that really helped me was hearing this “more of what someone already doesn’t appreciate will never be enough.” I let myself be a doormat for too many years and I think I’m finally starting to find my strength. I really liked what you said about God protecting us from what we want because it’s not always what we need ❤
If you’ve been cheated on “so many times”, I’m sorry to tell you, something is wrong with you. Eventually you have to take accountability. Either you’re a horrible judge of character and make extremely poor decisions and choices, or you’re somehow so impossible to be around that people feel the need to cheat on you.
@@Slurpy2k8 being impossible to be around gets you dumped...not cheated. Stop justifying it
what a nasty response😞.
After watching this, I can only hope that, should my husband ever cheat on me, I will never find out.
The idea of having to go through all these questions and all this psychological torment after the fact seems far worse than him cheating.
How can this be far worse than cheating if this is caused by cheating? Especially when STDs or baby mamas come around, there is no denying anymore.
I wish you and your husband to never having to go through this. May you be blessed with each others love and trust.
The only issue with this is your body will somehow know. But I wish I never found out either.
It is.. but in the end you can heal and it is all the more worth it. Ignorance is only bliss until you find out and trust me. You always figure it out before you ACTUALLY find out. And that's whats so damaging. Not only do you have to learn how to trust others again but it's a neverending battle learning how to trust yourself again. That's the hard part. I pray you never have to find out.
@@CrypticT0xin I dreamed that my ex was cheating on me for 3 nights before I found out that she had indeed cheated on me. In fact, the body knows
I pray your husband never betrays you. A year ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me off and on with someone for 5 years. Let that sink in. 5 years. It gutted me and I’m still so severely damaged. What this does to someone, no one should ever experience.
Having to compose yourself so much to not cry because you feel so greatly for the person you want to answer, that’s how every human should be
I've been cheated on twice. The betrayal of trust cuts deep. I forgave both, but both decided to end things. One over the shame of it, the other because he found me boring. I have had great trouble with trust since.
Me too hun. I've been cheated on twice.
Jordan suggests for the betrayed to examine what it is about yourself that allowed for this breech of trust.
It is so very painful and difficult to overcome! Personally speaking, after almost six years of this discovery and separation, I can say that I am not willing or able to trust this person again.
@@claudiapennisi7987 I was too naive and thought others would have the same morals and fortitude as myself. I've learned most people differ greatly in morals, values, and goals. We're not all after the same thing.
@@17h127 Yes so true! But we are not the same as the people we fall in love with and healing from a betrayal is difficult because you peel layer after layer to try reaching the core in order to make sense of what happened to you!
In the end it takes 100% from both parties involved to work, not 50%.
Along with Jordan, I received methods for healing from Christian therapist Dominic Herbst..he really helped me unpeel my onion!! 😭
ruclips.net/video/G0OV-gvrxks/видео.html
Dont. Forgive.
When did you find out, hits you hard, the signs can be seen, you try to ignore them, being close enough to someone so they can wreak you, if it happens, it feels like you permanently wreaked, Jordan comes here and explains it, really helps
This is exactly how I told I felt about betrayal when questioned about it, every time. I would answer smthn like: "Hey, go on, if you need it...be happy with the dude. But not with me. This is not my place anymore, I don't feel safe to "be who I am" now, or even with the confidence to trust you again". There's no better feeling than trusting someone has your back through thick and thin, but when the rock that held yours explodes into smithereens...there's no going back. At least for me. THAT being said...Never regret loving someone, but pay a lot of attention to what YOU do with your life surrounding your relationship, it's exactly like that: you can trace back the moment that lit the fuse. Learn from it. This time we talk about a partner's betrayal, but it can be applied to anything.
Well said
A dam fine therapist, a great teacher and a caring friend to us all...
If you enjoy topics about masculinity and mastery, I invite you to explore the videos I share on the Mastery Order Channel.
Challenge yourself with some concepts about manhood, explore your masculine potential to the maximum and become the kind of man you would admire.
We can only better ourselves together, as men among men, so I invite you to use what I share and, of course, share your own opinions so that others can benefit from them as well.
Looking forward to your points of view.
All the best to you!
Going back some years my partner (of not a very long time) cheated on me with my best friend. That was rough, betrayed by two people at once. I wasn’t with her for a long time but being young it was a very intense feeling relationship. Struggled with it for years but I learned eventually that there were signs it was happening. I learned that I could take responsibility for having a bad taste in friends and women, and that I could recognise the signs, and being able to take responsibility for all that helped me to shoulder the pain and move forward. I have a faithful partner now and I know she is, because I know what a faithful woman isn’t and I wouldn’t be able to be a good (I hope) partner to her without having learned to take whatever responsibility I could.
Dude, unsolicited advice: keep your happy relationships to yourself there'll be someone out there online who'll comment something to ruin whatever you have now.
@@tinag7506 A very strange thing for you to say. I am quite happy with my comment, thank you. And looking at what comments you’ve been making, you seem to be very bitter and resentful. Perhaps my comment goes against the image you have for people here. Good luck to you.
@@tarkadal5563 you've misinterpretated what I've commented. I'm not resentful, rather realistic. I'm not against anyone being happy with their relationships. I'm just saying that people have given out unwanted comments making genuinely happy people doubt themselves. It was just a honest warning. But I guess you've never really met such nasty people in your life, good for you. It wasn't ill intentioned in the slightest, but I guess I shouldn't expect to be understood all the time because we all have different experiences.
@@tinag7506 If you’re the kind of person who can be made to doubt their relationship because of what some nobody says in a RUclips comment, then I don’t know what world you’re living in. I’ve met plenty of nasty people. You think I give a damn what a nasty person says on the internet? Very shallow. Good for you.
@@tinag7506 if you're genuinely happy and stable in your relationship you won't give a shit about some random online hater. it's not going to be the kind of relationship that will be blown away like a dandelion in the breeze
For me, we weren't married, but having been in a relationship for 16 years, I thought that we were committed, even though we lived apart. Last week, I discovered that he married another woman 3-1/2 years ago while continuing a relationship with me. What he told her was that I had "walked away" from the relationship because we had grown apart! I suspected that he was cheating on me but he always denied it, so in spite of my intuition, I trusted him. This hurts worse than when my last husband died. :( I'm nearly 70, and I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. We had discussed retirement and getting a house together, traveling together... but now I know it was all a lie.
I’m really sorry this happen to u :(
Ppl really can mess things up for others…..
Tammy is a wonderful listener and supportive spouse. I enjoy watching them interact.
Don't ignore the little signs either. "Friends" that don't include you of the opposite sex are not good. You don't need friends of the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual) unless they are mutual friends. Its just not necessary, or flirting or whatever. Its a bad sign and needs to be addressed. As for full blown cheating, its over.
I’ve never had female friends and I surely don’t care what’s going on in the the life of any other females, and that includes my own sisters. My wife is enough.
For most people I would agree thats the case, but there are also mature people that can have friends of the opposite sex and never develop feelings
@@padarousou Maturity has nothing to do with developing feelings for a friend. The only thing that’s immature and delusional is pretending that it doesn’t happen a majority of the time. There are many people who are married who started off as just friends. Keep in mind that *“Just a friend”* has ruined more committed relationships than any other entity known to mankind.
@@standground8284 Maturity has everything to do with being able to handle emotions responsibly. If you are a mature person and develop "feelings" that are inappropriate for a friend, then they will not have much weight because you can control your emotions. I agree that most people are not mature, and therefore cannot control such feelings, but that isn't everyone
@@padarousou Maybe it’s just my experience. I’m 6’4, athletic, personable and good looking according to most women. Dating back to high school there many friendships with female friends always start off as friends but would eventually end if I didn’t want more than just friendship. My last female friendship was a close friend of 6 years. She basically told me that as a man your not allowed to: Treat women with respect, have meaningful conversations with them, ask them about their day and actually listen to them, compliment them whenever they get their hair or nails done, give them words of encouragement when they need, having emotional intelligence to know when they’re down and surprise them with something they find cool or you that’ll remedy their mood, call them out respectfully and hold them accountable when necessary, be a listening ear when they want to vent, etc. This is how I treated all my female friends and it never worked out. She told me that many boyfriends weren’t even providing that effort at minimal. I decided at a young age not to date until I was established enough to provide for and take care of myself. I consider it bum activity to use my parents (car, money, home or resources) to entertain women. That said, I wasn’t dating or having sx so I had no ulterior motives, I was just simply being a good friend. She confessed her love for me, I got confused. Since I didn’t want a committed relationship with her she cut me off and went no contact for almost 2 years before calling and apologizing.
She said she had to do it for herself so she could get rid of her feelings for me (someone she never kissed or even held hands with). *I understood because all my other female friendships ended very similarly. Are there rare exceptions to the rule, yes! It just never worked for me personally.*
The best explanation I've heard in putting the betrayal of a spouse in proper perspective. Thank you.
I took back a cheating GF once and turned into a monster. Truth was I couldn’t really and deeply forgive her and instead went into a cheating spree myself. Jordan’s analysis is so deep, I wish I had had that insight into my own emotions at the time, would’ve saved everyone including myself a lot of hurt.
It really all depends upon how willing one party is to be honest with what they've done, and the other party's willingness to forgive them over it. There are some couples that can stay with each other, but most cannot. To cheat on your spouse is generally considered to be one of the most egregious offenses that can be committed. It's a betrayal of trust, and that is hard to come back from.
You learn about Betrayal Trauma, and Complicated Grief
I think it is really impossible to come back from it. It is a life-changing experience that could destroy you.
What goes on between you and all your relationships is as much in the hands of the understanding of God as anything.
The vast majority of therapists, especially those who come through the lineage of Freud and Judeo Christianity with pseudo scientific emphasis on 'inherent neurosis' and 'inherent sin' want to play God, but do not know God.
At best, a therapist might be able to facilitate a client's higher consciousness or the higher consciousness of a couple (aka their connection to God) to come through in a session, but that is not what modern psychotherapy is about. It's about making money and perpetuating a superiority complex.
This complex, as hinted at, comes from, among other places, an unconscious connection to Yahwist consciousness, or those trying to embody or understand ancient Canaanite volcano gods in some way. Yes, it sounds strange, but don't underestimate the unconscious importance of Yaweh in Western culture. Don't estimate how this connection influenced early modern psychology, and the resultant lack-of-enlightenment-masquerading-as-enlightenment.
To reiterate, Yawists like to play God, but do not know God.
I’ve always compared trust to a sheet of glass - once broken it can never be the same. Yes , it can be repaired but their will always be the fractures , the scars which both ppl must decide if they can live with and sadly most honest people see that they can’t.
There are many different types of betrayals in a relationship.
The book he mentioned is actually a trilogy known as "Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy" and the 3 books are "Inferno", "Pergatorio", and "Paradiso" its a love story about a man who traverses all 3 destinations of the afterlife in hopes to be reunited with his lover. 9.5/10 great read! Highly recommend!
That is not the premise of the Comedy at all but I do agree with your 9.5/10 assessment
@@OriginalBonJovi i mean I agree it's not the main narrative of the story but from a layman's perspective its pretty accurate lol and yes 9.5/10 all day every day!
@@MillicentAspinet you need to read the other 2 books to truly appreciate the capability of one man's creative mind!
Wow! Such an amazing video. My partner cheated on me after a long time of being together, and now, looking backwards, I can totally understand why it happened so it won't happen again in any new relationships I may have. I forgave her, but I know there's no way back and we're better off the way we are today.
Grow into the thing you wanted her to be a part of. Let her see the growth she missed witnessing. Wish you the best if that makes you happy good.
Thank you
I truly believe that a very significant portion of people in my age range of dating are fundamentally and possibly malevolently unreliable. Abstaining from sex for 25 years with the goal of waiting until marriage has given me a unique insight into the nature of women as well as how twisted they are today due to different aspects of modern culture such as hook up culture, social media, and modern feminism and liberalism. A truly large portion of young women believe that there is NOTHING wrong with emotionally manipulating a man, lying to them, killing their unborn child, or divulging information about their current (or past) sexual activity with other people, which could be dozens of other people in the time they are seeing someone.
To be honest with you that goes pretty much the same for men now days. I agree that social media has been a huge issue in this but not only for women but for everyone, responsability has been greatly diminished from relationships and sex. At the same time as someone who hasn't abstained I can tell you there are still plenty of people that won't engage in that kind of behavior out there.
It’s the same for men. But what I can tell you from my perspective is that there are some good women out there who are abstinent and conservative.
Just today, the thought of suicide plaqued me. I am so enraged with the multiple betrayals dumped on me during a 15yr marriage. I pray a lot about this, but i am not coping, unable to pull myself together. I was the provider and spoiled him rotten with expensive gifts and a good life, showered with love. The shock, the rage, resentment, bitterness, name them all, has pushed me to a point of no return. Your presentation is MY story. You cannot Trust a deceptive liar, and exactly as you said, a psychopath. I hate the fact that i am not the same person anymore. I am so deeply traumatized, realising my life was a total lie for a user and abuser. I believe God send this video on my path today. Thank you, Jordan, there are many people out there that needed to hear this.
One thing I do admire about Mr Peterson is how he takes time to think before he responds
Mr Peterson I just wanted to drop by to say Aloha and Shalum! Thank you for all your videos that you have put up and all the advice that you give. I just found out Sunday that my wife of four years was cheating on me for a year behind my back and the things I found in her journal when I realized it was her journal, because my daughter actually brought me the book and she’s only two. The things I seen were horrid and I feel like no man should ever know that his wife was doing this behind his back. I genuinely just wanted to thank you though because this is still fresh it’s only been about four or five days and it hurts severely deeper than any physical knife or anything can drive into my heart or soul. Listening to you has helped heal that a bit and as well as listening to Yahuah and his word most importantly. I am currently living in Hawaii and just wanted to let you know that if you ever were here please drop by a sabbath one day peace and shalom!🤙🏾🙏🏾
I have told every woman that I entered into a relationship with that if they are starting to consider infidelity that they should have the common decency to break up with me then and there. I have a one strike policy on cheating that, thankfully, I have not had to employ. That doesn't mean that I am 100% sure I've never been cheated on. The one girl that I started to suspect a little bit broke up with me shortly after, so perhaps she heeded my request at the beginning of our relationship.
It was time though and now I am married to a truly trustworthy woman who shares essentially all my values. I am blessed for sure.
We went through this at year 7 of our marriage, while I was pregnant with our third. 1 year of bitter pain, 2 years of uphill repair. We’re about to celebrate our 25th. We’re so deeply grateful we’re still together. It’s 100% a work of grace from God- and He’s more than able to repair broken people. I stayed because I believed Jesus’ words about forgiveness and about loving one’s enemies. If you don’t let go of Jesus, he won’t let go of you, and He remains with you through the darkest anguish. We went to the Retrouvaille program and we became devout Catholics.
Amen
Amen
Yes but Jesus said you can leave if they cheat! In fact it’s the only factor he says that invalidates the marriage contract! Jesus gives you his blessing to leave!
My ex wife cheated. She had the audacity to cry on the couch like a victim one evening as she admitted her betrayal and sin. She had the gall and was self deluded enough to think that we could be friends afterwards. We are not friends. Trust is the foundation of any social relationship. We also have a child. We are amicable up to the point of articulating for our son. That's it. She will randomly get worried about me and blow up my phone. It's unwelcome and upsetting. I don't want to see her name in my phone. I got over her by visiting an old friend i met in college. She helped me get over her pretty fast 😅
You would have rather her be cold and unemotional when confessing ? At least she felt guilt and remorse… feel like it would worse the other way
@@noone-dv1jo No, probably she didn't, it was just a show, being scared of his reaction.
@@razvanlex I’m sure she’s probably not a psychopath or sociopath, she’s just a human being and made a mistake. “She will get randomly worried about me”
Y'all are playing movies in your heads bruh
@@noone-dv1joShe want a divorce to be with AP but wants to be friends like she did nothing to destroy her family!
Get the hell out of it now!!!! Leave! Save yourself!
I come back to this video from time to time because it remiends me of my experience with betrayal and the things i learnd, it is still painful to remember but i find it useful and it makes me feel like i'm improving.
For me, the most real part of this is when he talks about the "admission of anger", jesus i wish i had know this a few months ago, it would have save me so much trouble, i ended up doing so many stupid stuff because i could not accept that i was angry and full of resentment towards my cheating parther at the time, it broke me even more than the betrayal itself.
I'm pretty experienced in this and still married to the same woman after nearly 40 years. I'd say that Jordan hit this one out of the park..
You were cheated on?
What does that expr mean?
The book of Dante he refers to is The Divine Comedy. Betrayal for me is interesting, because once someone breaks my trust, they are suddenly dead to me and I recover on my own. After dealing with my own feelings about the situation, I usually end up feeling lucky that I am not in that situation anymore and (in a way) sorry for them, because you know how future relationships will play out for them if they treat people that way. To trust again, I always tell myself that if someone is leading a double-life, the pain is on them, until I find out and then the pain is on me too. But until I know, they are the ones living incongruently and using their energy to lie and cover their tracks. How exhausting!
They be having fun
Totally!!
You have self respect and leave them forever
Just found out my husband is cheating, not like an affair, but going in dating sites for find sex partners. Thanks for this video Dr Peterson, it is a great help, I was naive and now after hearing you deciding how to confront him, because he denies everything, a bit of gaslighting expert! Thanks again.
We did it. Our life sky rocketed. Don’t let yourself oversimplificate this in bare deception, there is a world under this. You choose, you are perfectly naturally geared to do so, probably not completely consciously, but bottom down you know. I would ask myself: Do I justify my pits under the light of victimhood? Do I let myself be weak and play dead and let the other act as I know that he/she will do, instead of jumping into the running train that I’m lazy to jump on? We choose our mates to complete us, not to make us comfortable in our weaknesses, we do it unknowingly, but that’s our fate. Go ahead and fight.
@M.A.SanchezSanchez
Could you electorate further?
I am in the thick of this right now
@@joelpalmer3336 Hi Joel.
I would tell you that the first thing is to separate the pain and disappointment from your rationality. You should know if you are capable of doing such thing and coolly assess whether you think you could understand what has happened if you were an uninvolved observer. Then, knowing how you have behaved and knowing the character and the demands that your partner had, you should know if you have been honest with yourself or, on the contrary, you have turned your weaknesses on self-indulgence and the passivity of your partner.
This will not solve anything, but it will give you the most realistic starting point that you can define to know if you can and want to start the path of rebuilding a demolished relationship. A painful path like few others, but one that will necessarily establish a base of honesty.
I must add that from my perspective it is the man who has the duty to unite the couple, to establish the bases and be the fair leader of an initiative that must go to the transcendent and unknown, to a better and hopeful place. If you do not believe in this, it is likely that you will not find good reasons to forgive your partner's weaknesses and bite the bullet to try to rebuild something that in principle you have not destroyed, at least actively.
I had those beliefs, and I needed this event to turn them from ethereal lucubrations into solid convictions.
Good luck.
Betrayel is so incrediby hurtful. A deep sadness that pierces ones soul. Forver scarring our hearts with a wound that will leave a scar and consently be reminded of the deception that caused it...
Not going to lie, but we are actually really proud to have an employee like you as part of our team. The job is done so gracefully and neatly. Very well done, dear usespy online. First of all. Thank you for making the work environment so friendly and taking your responsibility seriously and completing the work gracefully! You deserve so much.
Spitting wisdom left and right. God bless you Dr. Peterson.
If she cheats, she belongs to the streets!
Jordan you're a genuis master at making words from you're mind to the audience to solve a problem and plus have a simple explanation .
Allah had chose you to be the our generation hero .what a man
I sadly partnered with someone fundamentally and malevolently unreliable. I’ve sacrificed myself for her and now it’s coming to a head. It took a lot for me to notice that. This video helped.
Please don’t allow yourself to continue a relationship like that.
In my experience, adultery is the only sin where the betrayed gets blamed.
How?? That's just not true
well said!
The cheater commonly blames the betrayed!@@abigailcosta1716
People want to pretend that it's the betrayed's fault because that makes them feel safer about their own relationships. Hearing about betrayal in someone's marriage, makes many people fear it might happen to them. Blaming the victim removes the fear. They're wrong, of course. People cheat because they want to, they have low character, and they can. They always think they can get away with it and many do as long as they don't push their luck. So many people DO push it though and they get caught and it's brutal.
Nice that Jordan will always make you reflect back on yourself. Even when you are the one betrayed, deep down we know we were at fault too so that it all got to that state. Thinking "I did everything right, I was the perfect partner" will just lead you straight to the next person and start over the process that will lead to a pretty similar place. Thanks Dr. Peterson.
Are you freaking kidding me
@@Johnrider1234Kidding? How so? absolutely not.
2:42 "If that's how you feel it might be the key to why it happened to begin with"
3:18 "are you a complete door mat or blind beyond capacity to marry a narcissist?"
3:26 "do you have a pattern of associating with people like that?"
5:28 "who am I that this happened to me?"
6:00 "it also implies that you have the same capacity (for betrayal)"
8:13 "don't be the sort of person to whom that will happen again"
9:05 "have you encountered your own capacity for naive WILLFUL blindness? Probably. This has to be rectified"
11:08 "you have to mature past your naivety"
And finally: 13:40 "PEOPLE hide a lot of unwanted things in the fog in THEIR relations and sometimes the consequence is deep betrayal"
Of course, Peterson does vehemently condemn the act of betrayal, but all of the above remarks are aimed at introspection for the betrayed party. The core of being a psychotherapist is working out the pitfalls and shortcomings in their patients' psyche. Telling them they're absolutely blameless for the catastrophes in their lives won't help them grow past their current state, leading to a recurrence of the same mistakes, and this would make for a very pitiful therapist.
Again, you may be the ideal partner, so that might not apply to you, but most people feel deep down that we aren't immaculate, that we have a lot of shadow inside, in short, that we are all sinners.
The victim is never at fault
Cheating has nothing to do with problems in the relationship because it's not about solving any of them
Or dealing with any of them
@@randomusername3873Yes, The act of cheating, when examined in a simplistic and isolated manner, is one-sided.
But like everything else in life, attitudes in a relationship are not simplistic and can't be comprehended in isolation. If you paid attention to what was said in the video you'd grasp that cheating is usually not a single, isolated error, but rather a culmination on many many smaller mistakes plaguing the relationship for quite some time, blamed on both parties.
Then again, maybe some people out there are born perfect and never commit the slightest mistake in their life, but I know I'm not one of them.
I just got out of a relationship where I was in love with someone for 5 years, we'd been engaged for about 4 and a half years, and yeah. Shortly after we'd gotten engaged she started cheating on and off with her ex and if I'd said I wasn't comfortable with them talking, she'd tell me I have nothing to worry about, he's just a friend, and she'd gaslight me into thinking I was controlling. But if I said it was okay, I'd have to live with the guilt and insecurities and she didn't have a care in the world
The fact this got randomly recommended is pretty wild
No such thing as males and females being friends.