Not necessarily related to the cheating topic, but in my own experience with my therapist-she doesn’t give me “advice”. Unless there’s some obvious way I’m being a danger to myself or others, she really just helps me break down my thoughts and feelings about a situation and guides me through making a decision based in my own beliefs, consistent with who I am. Maybe that’s where the aforementioned therapist went wrong in the first place lol
As a mental health professional, I'm so glad your therapist is literally doing what therapists/counselors/mental health people are SUPPOSED to do. We're legit trained not to give advice and to keep the boundaries professional with our clients (advice sort of blurs the lines into "friends" territory and that's not helpful to the client). Most mental health professionals are good about doing exactly what yours does, but it always drives me nuts in movies/TV shows when they have a bad representation of them, because then people think that anyone can become a therapist to talk all day and just "give advice". Meanwhile, we're supposed let our clients talk most of the time and we're only really supposed help guide the client's through processing their own thoughts and feelings objectively with support as necessary. I'm glad you have a good therapist!!! Makes me so happy to hear!
Same here! Mine only suggests tools to try and ways to manage various issues, but not before we explore the root cause and what feelings and thoughts I have about the thing. There's never an expectation that I'll have done everything perfectly, and the way I failed might give more helpful information.
I was wondering if people mix up life coach and therapist?? It really doesn't make sense to me to be giving such advice. That said, I wouldn't want my partner to tell me, for me there wouldn't be turning back. Unless what his fling was serious, meaning what we have is a lie
I am with Lady Gaga and Beyoncé on this one. When you break a mirror, you can take the time to painstakingly lay the pieces out and meticulously glue them back together… but don’t get it twisted. You’re gonna look at it close up and still see the fucking cracks. And you are right. It’s not the sex itself. It’s the betrayal, the fact that someone who is supposed to love you above all others, purposely chose to do the one thing that would kill you without actually murdering you.
this really depends on a *lot* of factors (obviously first and foremost being what the victim wants). The specific relationship of the couple, how quickly they came clean, how long the cheating went on, if it was planned or they were inebriated or if it was heat of the moment, etc. IMO it's absolutely understandable for someone to immediately decide to end their relationship when cheating happens no matter what, but I think it's also very understandable for forgiveness to happen and trust be allowed to be earned back
@@freddyjafar1490 a crap ton of people. Sometimes they've simply fallen out with their partner and haven't ended the relationship yet, or it could be revenge cheating, or a drunken mistake, or they feel lonely due to physical or emotional separation, or they don't feel loved by their partner anymore, or they don't feel their partner can satisfy their sexual needs, or they have a simple moment of weakness to their desires, or they feel trapped by their spouse, the list goes on. Obviously very few reasons are anything remotely justifiable, but as was said in the video, people who cheat rarely expected to.
@@ParkityParkPark Well revenge cheating, I can understand. I've been there but that's just because of all the chaos in your mind. But then to willingly cheat on someone knowing how much pain it'd cause them to then cause them to revenge cheat (in my case I was numb and couldn't even cum), that's truly diabolical
@@freddyjafar1490 it's very rarely something even remotely that thought out and planned. Hiding it may be thought out and planned, but not the act itself
My therapist disagreed with me that I told my boyfriend I had cheated on him. She disagreed with my idea of cheating and told me that we hadn’t dated long enough to feel bad about the kiss and that if I knew it wouldn’t happen again why did I tell him. I told her that I value honesty and I wanted to make a change to my behavior. I told her I wanted my boyfriend to have the information and make an informed decision and she disagreed with me. And she told me now I get to see if he is a forgiving person. Now being a therapist for years I look back on that experience so much and am glad I changed therapists. My boyfriend and I did the work, I look in the mirror at myself A LOT and it was really uncomfortable and…we’re now married and have a 9 month old and are closer than ever.
I had a similar experience with my last therapist when I told her about my ex who cheated on me early on in the relationship & how he lied about his entire identity at the start & she basically told me to not end it, that it was a "real" relationship & that if he didn't lie i wouldn't have stayed with him, like she was sympathizing with my ex, hell no, i even told her, well no shit if i found out early on I wouldn't stay because it goes against what I want in a partner. I ended up leaving him and later finding out that he actually continuously cheated on me after that on snapchat and with the strippers from his friends bachelor party. So, yeah, I have changed therapists since then & I am still healing from that relationship despite it only being 8 months long.
My therapist said "I love you the way you are" on our first meeting. It felt icky. Turned out he was a pimp and had abused some patients. So glad I noped out of there.
I was cheated on by my ex, and the explanation she has was "that it wasnt cheating because there were no emotions involved" but you're right what hurted the most was the lying and the discover of it
About two years ago i got a snap message from a random guy asking if I'd like to exchange nudes. I said no because I had a partner at the time and he types "it wouldn't be emotional".... 🤦♀️ like yeah not for YOU, pos
I was luckily never cheated on or did cheat. In my opinion cheating is the most coward thing you can do in a relationship. If you're lacking or missing sth in a relationship, which draws you to cheating, maybe seek out a serious conversation with your significant other. On the other hand, I would want to know when my partner cheated and I would always confess if I were cheating. In a relationship you owe your partner this honesty. There are other relationship types apart from monogamy, but the cards should be on the table and everyone should be on the same page. There is absolutely no shame in wanting to be intimate with multiple people at the same time. But never behind someone's back, that is just disrespectful of the trust and loyalty your partner puts in you.
Not telling your spouse about infidelity robs you of the opportunity to learn accountability for yourself. I saw this first had in my parents marriage. My dad cheated on my mom constantly through their marriage and by not telling her the first time it happened he robed himself the opportunity of accountability and honesty. And that missed opportunity only led to more and more cheating until she and all the rest of the family found out and the pain of all that’s had on our entire family is irreparable.
I feel like the majority of cheaters don't feel any remorse over the actual act of cheating. They would do it again if they thought they could get away with it.
Are you speaking from a specific experience? So easy to judge people from a righteous place but I would be willing to bet that each and every one of us here has made some mistake that somebody could point a finger at. I'm not trying to pry I'm just curious. I have mentored and worked with people on both sides of this issue and I know from experience that 90% of them want to do the right thing not because they're scared of being caught but because they're human beings. I wonder what experience has brought you to this conclusion. Either way just know that humans are typically good by nature. Sure there's the occasional sociopath or narcissist or person suffering from a head injury which makes them outside of the norm but those aren't the people I'm talking about.
This is true with any lie or hiding something in a relationship. Not just cheating. If you can't be honest with your partner than you need to reevaluate your relationship.
When you say “there’s no good reason not to” that is absolutely not true. One VERY good reason to keep incendiary information to yourself is if you aren’t safe in the relationship, and aren’t safe to leave. In that situation, you prioritize survival.
I feel like that's kind of the general therapy exception though. At that point, you aren't working on having a happy relationship, you're working on finding a safe escape
it is true. he's talking about breaking boundaries in a relationship. what you're talking about is not a relationship anymore. because if you're worried about survival and safety, then trust and boundaries are long gone.
The last thing you want to do in abusive relationship is to cheat on abuser. Because if they find out most likely you will be dead. There is a strategy to dissolve relationship with abuser and that has to be communicated with domestic violence hotline not a potential lover. Many women got killed because of they got involved with someone before ending relationship with abuser. Domestic violence and trauma therapist will never advice you to cheat.
Having been in a situation like that, I don't think I could of gotten alone time enough, especially with other ppl let alone another man to have pulled off cheating. But I understand your point about survival first.
Thanks for this. I remember there used to be this advice columnist I would read whom I mostly enjoyed, except that every time someone wrote in asking what they should do about the fact that they'd been unfaithful, her advice always amounted to, "Don't do it again, but keep your mouth shut about it. Your wife/husband/whatever must never know." That always bothered me because, in my non-professional opinion, it always seemed to me that trying to hide it would only make it worse. It's taking away the partner's ability to make an informed decision about whether they want the relationship to continue, and in the very likely event they find out anyway, it just adds another transgression (the lying) on top of the infidelity and makes the trust that much harder to restore. I find it gratifying that you have the same view on it that I always did.
I'm polyamorous, and I cheated, and my primary/spouse forgave me because I came to them ASAP with crushing remorse and a plan to avoid the same mistakes. Still strong, but I still haven't forgiven myself, even if they have.
@@freddyjafar1490 How what? Polyamory isn't a license to just sleep with whoever you want. It has all the same rules about trust and communication and consent as monogamy.
I might be the minority, but the deception isn’t worse than the act to me. If he waited to tell me, or told me right away, the fact that it physically happened is what would kill me. The physical acts of love meant only for me, being given to another is the problem.
So, as long as you don't know, all good..? A DADT policy of sorts? (don't ask don't tell).. I agree the idea of my husband physically loving another seems the worst shy of my kids being harmed or worse yet.. if he withheld that info.. That's salt to the wound.. I can handle a ugly truth but a lie.. Or omission.. Nope.
You definitely shouldn’t tell your spouse, if you care about the spouse more than yourself, you are doing it to relieve your own guilt by hurting the spouse. If the spouse never finds out, it could not hurt him/her.
I know someone who cheated on their spouse, and when I asked if they felt guilty, they said, "No, because we were both adults, we both knew what we were doing." I guess that's either someone who is completely checked out of the marriage, they are done, and for them it's over. Or they're a psychopath. Both sound sad.
I think having the courage to admit it will put a person on better immediate terms than discovering it. If they discover it, they'll have to expose it and blame and make you admit it, but if you just flat-out say it, you're obviously admitting something so secret and damaging because you want to make things better, and you have the courage for them to see a bad side of yourself. Truth is acceptance, and lying is denial.
Therapist: So, your partner had an affair with someone who was in a relationship before you came into the picture, and you're upset about that... why? Me: Because I hate cheating. Therapist: Then you'll either get over it, because it's not a big deal, or you'll break up. Moving on.
@@blackbutterfly233ify it upset me because his actions made me question his morals and whether or not that was the kind of person I wanted to get involved with.
Me and my now ex went to marriage counseling when our arguing was out of hand and the therapist looked me straight in my face when I said I would like to get to our core issues when he tried to recommend “date night” ideas you regularly find on Pinterest and said to me “I find black women to be more masculine and Asian men to be more feminine, could that be the issue” and I was stunned and never went back to that man again. I found another therapist who was worth her weight in gold and yea, he was abusive, my ex was psychologically, verbally and emotional abusive and refused to get tested for anti-personality disorder when 1 psychiatrist and 2 therapist wanted him to. I can never forget how this man proudly told us it was because he believed us to be racial stereotypes.
Decades long lies on any level are ugly. Here's why: it COMPOUNDS the emotional side. It intensifies all aspects of the event. Just come clean. Do it as fast as feasibly possible. If you want to keep your family, then work you arse off to earn back respect and trust. Rebuild. Otherwise, correct, living a lie. Just like compounding interest in an investment account creates wealth and prosperity (builds), compounded lied does the exact opposite- tears down. Yes, the truth eventually comes out.
The scripture you quoted is Luke 8:17 The best answer is don’t cheat in the first place if you really love them Get help before you destroy your life or marriage or get a divorce first
If "not cheating" was simple, then it wouldn't be such a widenly spread problem. That's the issue with such verses. They're not helpful at all. It's like saying "don't make mistakes in first place, be perfectly in control of everything at all times and do not be a human". That is not how humans work. Even worse: If this is the expectation we place on people, then the shame of "attending to a mistake" becomes bigger than the mistake itself. It just raises the hurdle for people to come clean and to grow and be accountable. What people need, is the reassurance that mistake ARE a problem, but not a reason to lose face, support, love and connection or "access to faith", if that is your thing. Even in faith, there's a whole construct of forgiveness. It's there, because it acknowledges that it's incredibly normal for people to be a walking mess. Let's not disregard, that people cheat and did not get help, because they feared that very judgement. And that "help" is not something that is easily available everywhere and for everyone. People also very frequently mess up, because they lack so many resources to attend to themselves and their relationships, that they are set up for failure and set up to make even more bad choices when their coping strategies are a mess. It's much more complex than that. We have to stop acting as if people "choose to mess up". People don't. People are accountable for dramage that happens from then AND that is regardless of how much real choice was in there or not. I'm accountable for helping to clean up even if I had an accident and 0 choice in it. The damage is there. So we have to seperate "beig accountable" from "how people end up cheating". And we need to attend to both sides seperately! As society even more so than the people who suffered cheating by their partner. It's our job to support people and figure out why cheating is even a thing. Including the revision of relationship expectations and what we shame in people.
That's exactly what this person is saying. You're twisting the same thing they said. He talks about the ability to rehabilitate after a bad decision, that's being held accountable
Thank you so much for this. I am in a bachelor's program to become a counselor, and your videos always provide phenomenal guidance. I appreciate your time and sharing your wisdom with us all.
I've never been cheated on per se' but my dad cheated on my mom when I was 8 and, since I was 8, I didn't know what cheating was exactly so I thought dad was out there trying to marry while still married to mom because, due to 8 kid logic I believed I was such a disappointment to dad that I drove him to want a brand new family. That affair never stopped so now I do NOT trust men.
How can you say it *never* stays a secret? Doesn't that depend on circumstance? I get it, as a therapist it is your job to help your patient, not your patient's spouse. Telling a patient to keep the secret and live with the guilt for the rest of their life doesn't fulfill that responsibility. However, to assert that it is *always* best to transfer that guilt and inadequacy to the one you love most, is all kinds of selfish. (All in my unprofessional opinion of course.)
Man this worries me about child therapists. Adults can (sometimes) tell when their therapist isn’t it. Kids can’t do that. Kids are by nature, very ego-centric, so that means when something isn’t working out the way they hoped, they tend to just blame themselves
Well, to be honest, the way we learn to discern is through these instances. You do not want parents to be unreliable and it happens, teachers, therapists! People! They have a terrible advice there but it also doesn't mean that they haven't done good work in other instances. Judging people by a single instance o stuff going wrong, just does not work in life. We cannot avoid issues. We can, however, grow to the point where we can mend past issues and make new choices for our next steps. Fearing that a chid therapist messes up, are surely valid at times AND not a reason to not seek therapy for children. Time usually shows if therapy is helpful or not. And then it's still possible to shift to another and have them help to clear up, whatever damage a therapist before bmay have screwed up. We are resilient in that way. Do not fear mistakes. They are unpleasant but normal. Move on nevertheless. Grieve, whatever was lost when things went wrong.
Couldn't one argue that it would take a certain level of arrogance to assume that the person would stay knowing that you'd committed such an egregious act of betrayal? I read a story about a 90 year old man who divorced his wife over an affair that had happened early on in their marriage. They had been married like 50 years and lets face it he didn't have a lot of options for starting over with someone else. I would seriously say it depends on the situation and what you're hoping to accomplish. Yes, they have every right to leave if you tell them, you broke a vow in a very serious way but if you're just looking to assuage your own guilt? I kind of feel that that is just going to have to be your burden to bear in silence. It's not fair to destroy someone else's reality and world and to put that on them unless you absolutely have to (this assumes that the affair is old or very much over and you have completely amended your life). If you really think it is going to come out anyway I agree that it's better to come from you first. At the very least they have the right to hear that kind of news from their partner.
About this subject... What would you do if you discovered your friend cheating their spouse? We discovered it recently by accident and me and my partner are completelly split about it. I would tell, he would not.
That’s a very difficult situation to be in, the messenger usually gets punished more-so than the person who did the wrong. I’m sorry for everyone involved here, and i wish you the best of luck.
In addition to what the others said: You can decide if you love them enough or not. Because loving them, can mean to help do the right thing, if it's unpleaant or not. What you can do, is talk about YOUR relatioship: You can let them know that this is an issue with your relationship. Because you do not feel safe in a friendship when you see that they fail to be accountable. Tell them that you want to help them be accountable and have a better life. Give them the choice what person they want to be. Talk with them about why things went that way and what makes it hard for them to come clean. Offer them support in coming clean. As friends, it is not our job to shame our friends or to stick to them no matter what. It is, to hold them to the standard of a trustworthy person and to help them bring that person out in themselves. Ignorance is actually the more devastating, between it and doing active harm. Ignorance is very unfortunately the soil, that gives way to the growth of what we don't want. Ignorance, by default, enables more negative behaviours in our societies at the moment, than positive ones. It's not just about their choice. It's also about what person you want to be. And what you would hope of the friends of your partner, if they ended up cheating on you. Or what would partner should hope for from your friends, if they learned that you had cheated on him. Do you love enough, to invest yourself into helping a friend to be a good person? Do you love enough, to allow yourself to be that accountable person? The damage is done either way. The question now is not only how to clean up but also, what future damage will result from growth happenig or not happening now.
I think the one scenario in which I would think someone should not tell their partner about their cheating is if they're worried about their safety, but honestly in a relationship where that's a concern at all you should really be looking for a way out
Bad idea to cheat on abuser, many women got killed because they got involved with someone before dissolving relationship with abuser. Ending relationship with abuser takes time, patience and strategy, only domestic violence and trauma therapists can guide you through that. Also it’s not fair for a new partner either because they don’t want to be killed by your crazy ex.
I tried therapy at age 18 after my brother passed and was so discouraged from doing therapy I didn't try it again until I was 25 even though I knew I needed it. The therapist I tried when I was 18 I initially started for dealing with grief however, anytime I mentioned any other truama weather it was from my childhood, my parents, or relationships she would always bring it back to my brothers death. So much so that she dismissed any issues I have having and would say it was because of my brother or because of death that I'm feeling this or this. Finally I snapped on her on our 5th session and said my SA when I was 5 and the truama I feel from it isn't a result of a death of a loved one 13 years later. I told her that everything she says doesn't make sense and Makes every point to only focus and care about my brothers death to the end where I feel more manic and worse than I did before I started therapy. She then ended up resigning me but since I was on a wait list due to age and insurance transferring from my parents to me now that I was an adult, I got an email saying it will take about 90 days to find a new therapist and I was so upset that I wasn't free to voice my feelings to her about how she was making me feel and I now felt more lost than ever and had no support. I have been in therapy now for almost 3 years I have 2 therapist who are amazing and I feel free finally being able to heal in a safe space but it's sad because I wanted to give up and I know alot of other people would of as well.
I was that girl the guy cheated on his gf with .. I never wanted to be a part of that, ever. Me and him were just friends "with benefits." His phone was going off repeatedly this one time and I asked him if it was important and he said he will call them back later. It ended up being his new gf (he was single when I first met him, for sure). I had a long talk with him afterwards about why he did it and if he felt guilty, if he would tell her, etc. I literally heard him talk on the phone with her afterwards in my kitchen like nothing happened, and he even said "I love you" casually to her (He thought I couldn't hear the convo). He said he wouldn't tell her cuz it wouldn't do any good, and it would just upset her. He didn't tell me he had a gf of course cuz he knew I wouldn't see him still. That pissed me off SO bad, and can't believe I was even friends with someone like that.
Have I been betrayed? Yes. I don't give a sh!t about their excuses. Have I ever betrayed? No. I am proud to say I stuck to my guns. Even as a writer of erotic fiction I stay away from that part of the genre...
My therapist once told me when I get a job all of my depression and anxiety will go away. Not anxiety about getting a job, which I didn't have much of, my diagnosed anxiety and depression. Pretty much all of my problems will go away when I get a job.
I was also told by a relative that once I get a better job and make more money, that all of my problems will go away. I now make double what I made then. Problems are still here lmao.
Just confessed to my wife that i slept with a stripper. She is very upset but willing to give me another chance. I told her that i will love and support her and our kids for the rest of my life even if she chooses to leave me. I hope i can make this work
It all eventually comes out. How you phrase it is so interesting. For my clients, I usually call it the "TV Sitcom Scenario" when I break it down. Before the episode, your interactions and the events, come to an end; it will come up again eventually. It really all plays like a terrible TV Show when there is deception, lying, and circumventing things is consistent until eventually the problem will have to be addressed by the end. Though I utilize this perspective for them to understand how all relationships (platonic and non-platonic) have things that need to be addressed with underlying feelings, I find this to be true in relationships too. I will have to get to this level of eloquence when it comes to explaining it in the way you have. 🙂
When it comes to cheating in my family is mixed bag and I hate lying or being lied to. When I notice what my partner does or what I do, I get tired and talk less. If I were to cheat, I'll wait until it's just me and partner to talk about whether we stay together and what are the changes in our relationship or breakup/divorce. *Have a punching bag and boxing wraps for anger. If I were cheated on and they brought it up, I'm proud that they're owning up to their wrongdoing but they're not showing me what they're willing to do to prove that this won't happen. If I find out, I'm going to be a fun person to deal.
Empathy is crucial in every relationship. Someone who does not feel guilty for something like this should not have a partner. That's not fair to the person being betrayed.
Then you'd better get to feeling that way. I can help you with that if needed. Adultery is one of the most revolting things a person can do. If you don't have remorse for that, you are revolting as well.
what do you thing about EMDR therapy? I have a lot of trauma and my therapist recommended this kind of treatment to me. Is it a scam? I have no idea, even though I've done my research...
My dad cheated on my mom, and i didn't know how or why they divorced before the age of 21 or 22.. I have a big sister that's 11 years older than me, she didn't know either.. I thought my mom had divorced my dad because he is a lazy asshole to be honest, but i found out that my mom had actually been fighting till the last day to keep the marriage going, she even told me recently that she had tried to make them go to couples therapy and he had legit walked out yelling it was "some fucking bullshit".. She new he had been cheating and she stayed for another half year before he broke it off, so he could marry the new woman.. The reason we don't know this is because that relationship ended after a couple of months, and we where never really introduced to her.. i was 3 and my sister was 14, she didn't really like home so she didn't pay much attention i guess (that's fair). I don't hate my father, i just wish they had parted years earlier to be honest, i know i wouldn't have been born, but shit their relationship ruined both me and my sister. Now i myself have been on the cheating side tho very innocent to be honest. I was in a "relationship" with a guy and all the romance and intimacy had been dead for a long time, i had told him multiple times that we needed to change things or i would leave, and he gave a ton of empty promises, i got so emotionally numb towards him i didn't care about anything regarding him or my life with him, i just wanted out.. I was with to friends for a weekend, one is my best friend also into guys, and the other was our mutual friend, and i had started to like this guy more and more, we ended up kissing, but before much more happened he told me, that i was in a dead relationship and i should get out before we could do anything more, very respectful i would say. I got the courage to call my mother and ask if i could come home for a time, and i broke up with the guy i was with. I also found out that he had been trying to cheat on me, and he had like 6 dating apps on his phone, and leading up to the breakup he met a lot of "friends" when we where out for groceries and stuff, he had started running again and apparently had like 4 different girls that he ran with, and he never told me before they greeted him in front of me? I'm not the jealous type, i would have encouraged it, but it seems weird not telling your partner like "oh yea i met this other runner and she asked if we could run together to keep up the spirit", also i knew from our 2 years together that he had no more friends in the town, as they had all moved closer to the big city, so yea, i don't really feel bad for that one to be honest.
Can we have some positive content about people who don't cheat and always respect the people they love? I feel like we are sorrounded with negativity in media and we never share good news. People who say "having an affair was not something I expected, it goes against my values" are just lying to themself. You don't cheat by mistake or without thinking about it.
I kind of disagree here. If it's longer affair sure but if it's one time thing I think you shouldn't put your problems on your partner to clear your conscience. I understand everyone can stumble but I don't think I could get over my girlfriend cheating on me, if it was one time thing I would prefer to not know.
I feel you but for me I would want to know so I could leave the relationship. I do not ever want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated no matter how many times. The problem for me is finding out. I would want my partner to know upfront that cheating is a deal breaker but if they know then I assume they would try to hide it even more and it would be harder to find out I believe.
@@1yugioh11 I get that as I said for me it would probably be deal breaker as well. But I think if it was really just one failure more than conscience choice (like drunk party stuff) I would regret leaving person I love for that so if I really love that person I'd prefer if they didn't tell me and deal with their conscience on their own.
You are preventing them from making an informed decision about the future of the relationship if you do not tell them. I personally would find that extremely condescending - I am an adult, not a child, and want to have a chance to decide these sort of things.
Actually, it is worth a thought why you'd rather leave your partner alone with a mess htey got themselves in, to avoid confronting your own feelings and why you struggle to work through an instance of people being full of mistakes. There are actually two sides to accountability! If you are with a person and expect them to be without failure, then you are closing the doors for honesty and being a reliable partner in handling issues. Interetsing, no? I rarely see this other side of it spoken about. Not wanting honesty, is really the equivalent of not wanting to deal with mistakes and your own reactions to the mistakes of others. And that is not a base of trust. Aka, you are currently not trusting yourself with your own reactions and your partner is likely to feel that. And likely to protect you accordigly. And likely to get exposed to a lot of heatbreak. Because these things do usually not stay confined to the area of "cheating". Often, this is a pattern that tends to extend to other areas of "mistakes" (e.g. breaking sth, stealing, breach of privacy in any shape or form, faliing to commply to requests....the list is very long). I am not saying this to be hurtful or point fingers. I am saying this, to bring your attention to how you spoke about "not putting problems on your partner" while pointing out that you do not trust your own reaction, which puts that issue on your partner (And e.g. their need to come clean to be able to look themselves in the mirror in future). And maybe that is something that you want to have an eye on, for your own sake. Not, because it's inherently bad. But because not knowling results in you not being able to make a conscious decision, if you want that dynamic to have an impact on your chances of recovering from mistakes that happen in and during partnerships or not. Wishing you the best. And a lot of strength to attend to all parts of you!
This is such a typical man's perspective. If it isn't safe to tell your partner, DON'T. If it isn't beneficial to your relationship to tell your partner, DON'T.
I definitely disagree. Of course if it's not safe, that is something totally different but: Why should someone have the audacity to decide what is better for someone else? The truth is not something to be negotiated. Noone can predict the future and you can't know what is beneficial for your significant other. The mistake already happened, the mistake is not beneficial, the honesty is. The best thing you can do is to give a choice. If your partner chooses to stay, you could work on the things that led to you cheating in the first place. If they choose not to stay, they would be angry about you lying. So no. I really do not think, that this is a manly view. It's a respectful one!
If your worrying about safety than trust and boundaries are gone. he's talking about a relationship. you know where people respect, trust, and actually like each other. if its not safe then its not even a relationship. also don't say its a mans perspective because my comment comes from experience of (me) a male feeling unsafe and stranded and being stuck for years in a marriage with a woman.
"Carried that guilt," probably, if you're a man (I've never cheated, and never would, so I don't know,) but women have zero sense of guilt. No matter what they've done or are doing, they think they're right to do it.
Not necessarily related to the cheating topic, but in my own experience with my therapist-she doesn’t give me “advice”. Unless there’s some obvious way I’m being a danger to myself or others, she really just helps me break down my thoughts and feelings about a situation and guides me through making a decision based in my own beliefs, consistent with who I am. Maybe that’s where the aforementioned therapist went wrong in the first place lol
As a mental health professional, I'm so glad your therapist is literally doing what therapists/counselors/mental health people are SUPPOSED to do. We're legit trained not to give advice and to keep the boundaries professional with our clients (advice sort of blurs the lines into "friends" territory and that's not helpful to the client). Most mental health professionals are good about doing exactly what yours does, but it always drives me nuts in movies/TV shows when they have a bad representation of them, because then people think that anyone can become a therapist to talk all day and just "give advice". Meanwhile, we're supposed let our clients talk most of the time and we're only really supposed help guide the client's through processing their own thoughts and feelings objectively with support as necessary. I'm glad you have a good therapist!!! Makes me so happy to hear!
Same here! Mine only suggests tools to try and ways to manage various issues, but not before we explore the root cause and what feelings and thoughts I have about the thing. There's never an expectation that I'll have done everything perfectly, and the way I failed might give more helpful information.
I was wondering if people mix up life coach and therapist?? It really doesn't make sense to me to be giving such advice. That said, I wouldn't want my partner to tell me, for me there wouldn't be turning back. Unless what his fling was serious, meaning what we have is a lie
I am with Lady Gaga and Beyoncé on this one. When you break a mirror, you can take the time to painstakingly lay the pieces out and meticulously glue them back together… but don’t get it twisted. You’re gonna look at it close up and still see the fucking cracks. And you are right. It’s not the sex itself. It’s the betrayal, the fact that someone who is supposed to love you above all others, purposely chose to do the one thing that would kill you without actually murdering you.
this really depends on a *lot* of factors (obviously first and foremost being what the victim wants). The specific relationship of the couple, how quickly they came clean, how long the cheating went on, if it was planned or they were inebriated or if it was heat of the moment, etc. IMO it's absolutely understandable for someone to immediately decide to end their relationship when cheating happens no matter what, but I think it's also very understandable for forgiveness to happen and trust be allowed to be earned back
@@ParkityParkPark Who in their right mind would cheat?
@@freddyjafar1490 a crap ton of people. Sometimes they've simply fallen out with their partner and haven't ended the relationship yet, or it could be revenge cheating, or a drunken mistake, or they feel lonely due to physical or emotional separation, or they don't feel loved by their partner anymore, or they don't feel their partner can satisfy their sexual needs, or they have a simple moment of weakness to their desires, or they feel trapped by their spouse, the list goes on. Obviously very few reasons are anything remotely justifiable, but as was said in the video, people who cheat rarely expected to.
@@ParkityParkPark Well revenge cheating, I can understand. I've been there but that's just because of all the chaos in your mind. But then to willingly cheat on someone knowing how much pain it'd cause them to then cause them to revenge cheat (in my case I was numb and couldn't even cum), that's truly diabolical
@@freddyjafar1490 it's very rarely something even remotely that thought out and planned. Hiding it may be thought out and planned, but not the act itself
My therapist disagreed with me that I told my boyfriend I had cheated on him. She disagreed with my idea of cheating and told me that we hadn’t dated long enough to feel bad about the kiss and that if I knew it wouldn’t happen again why did I tell him. I told her that I value honesty and I wanted to make a change to my behavior. I told her I wanted my boyfriend to have the information and make an informed decision and she disagreed with me. And she told me now I get to see if he is a forgiving person. Now being a therapist for years I look back on that experience so much and am glad I changed therapists. My boyfriend and I did the work, I look in the mirror at myself A LOT and it was really uncomfortable and…we’re now married and have a 9 month old and are closer than ever.
I had a similar experience with my last therapist when I told her about my ex who cheated on me early on in the relationship & how he lied about his entire identity at the start & she basically told me to not end it, that it was a "real" relationship & that if he didn't lie i wouldn't have stayed with him, like she was sympathizing with my ex, hell no, i even told her, well no shit if i found out early on I wouldn't stay because it goes against what I want in a partner.
I ended up leaving him and later finding out that he actually continuously cheated on me after that on snapchat and with the strippers from his friends bachelor party. So, yeah, I have changed therapists since then & I am still healing from that relationship despite it only being 8 months long.
It kinda sound like she did the same thing or was involved with the situation somehow apart from the sessions.
Can….can we be freinds? 😅 this happened exactly how you described to me…except it was a 5 year relationship.
He sounds like ASPD Psychopath or NPD Narcissistic personality.
Sorry you had to go through that.
My therapist said "I love you the way you are" on our first meeting. It felt icky. Turned out he was a pimp and had abused some patients. So glad I noped out of there.
😬😲😯
That is a strange noire villain scheme
Ew.
I was cheated on by my ex, and the explanation she has was "that it wasnt cheating because there were no emotions involved" but you're right what hurted the most was the lying and the discover of it
About two years ago i got a snap message from a random guy asking if I'd like to exchange nudes. I said no because I had a partner at the time and he types "it wouldn't be emotional".... 🤦♀️ like yeah not for YOU, pos
I was luckily never cheated on or did cheat. In my opinion cheating is the most coward thing you can do in a relationship. If you're lacking or missing sth in a relationship, which draws you to cheating, maybe seek out a serious conversation with your significant other.
On the other hand, I would want to know when my partner cheated and I would always confess if I were cheating. In a relationship you owe your partner this honesty.
There are other relationship types apart from monogamy, but the cards should be on the table and everyone should be on the same page. There is absolutely no shame in wanting to be intimate with multiple people at the same time. But never behind someone's back, that is just disrespectful of the trust and loyalty your partner puts in you.
Not telling your spouse about infidelity robs you of the opportunity to learn accountability for yourself.
I saw this first had in my parents marriage. My dad cheated on my mom constantly through their marriage and by not telling her the first time it happened he robed himself the opportunity of accountability and honesty. And that missed opportunity only led to more and more cheating until she and all the rest of the family found out and the pain of all that’s had on our entire family is irreparable.
I feel like the majority of cheaters don't feel any remorse over the actual act of cheating. They would do it again if they thought they could get away with it.
I have found the opposite to be true
@@J4ME5_ Then you must know better people then I do.
Are you speaking from a specific experience? So easy to judge people from a righteous place but I would be willing to bet that each and every one of us here has made some mistake that somebody could point a finger at. I'm not trying to pry I'm just curious. I have mentored and worked with people on both sides of this issue and I know from experience that 90% of them want to do the right thing not because they're scared of being caught but because they're human beings. I wonder what experience has brought you to this conclusion. Either way just know that humans are typically good by nature. Sure there's the occasional sociopath or narcissist or person suffering from a head injury which makes them outside of the norm but those aren't the people I'm talking about.
@@J4ME5_ Like I said, you must know better people then I do.
@@MsEdgely I sincerely doubt that. I think I just got a little deeper under the surface and kept myself free of judgment in the process.
This is true with any lie or hiding something in a relationship. Not just cheating. If you can't be honest with your partner than you need to reevaluate your relationship.
When you say “there’s no good reason not to” that is absolutely not true. One VERY good reason to keep incendiary information to yourself is if you aren’t safe in the relationship, and aren’t safe to leave. In that situation, you prioritize survival.
I feel like that's kind of the general therapy exception though. At that point, you aren't working on having a happy relationship, you're working on finding a safe escape
it is true. he's talking about breaking boundaries in a relationship. what you're talking about is not a relationship anymore. because if you're worried about survival and safety, then trust and boundaries are long gone.
The last thing you want to do in abusive relationship is to cheat on abuser. Because if they find out most likely you will be dead. There is a strategy to dissolve relationship with abuser and that has to be communicated with domestic violence hotline not a potential lover.
Many women got killed because of they got involved with someone before ending relationship with abuser.
Domestic violence and trauma therapist will never advice you to cheat.
@@vkrgfan this video isn’t about whether or not you should cheat. It’s about whether or not you should confess if you already have.
Having been in a situation like that, I don't think I could of gotten alone time enough, especially with other ppl let alone another man to have pulled off cheating.
But I understand your point about survival first.
Thanks for this. I remember there used to be this advice columnist I would read whom I mostly enjoyed, except that every time someone wrote in asking what they should do about the fact that they'd been unfaithful, her advice always amounted to, "Don't do it again, but keep your mouth shut about it. Your wife/husband/whatever must never know." That always bothered me because, in my non-professional opinion, it always seemed to me that trying to hide it would only make it worse. It's taking away the partner's ability to make an informed decision about whether they want the relationship to continue, and in the very likely event they find out anyway, it just adds another transgression (the lying) on top of the infidelity and makes the trust that much harder to restore. I find it gratifying that you have the same view on it that I always did.
👏🏼 PREACH!
Great message! I know I shouldn’t depend on therapy here on RUclips but dammit, you consistently give awesome advice!
If you cheated the worst thing you can do is to hide it cause when your wife or husband catches you they'll be even more upset with you.
I'm polyamorous, and I cheated, and my primary/spouse forgave me because I came to them ASAP with crushing remorse and a plan to avoid the same mistakes.
Still strong, but I still haven't forgiven myself, even if they have.
What how?
@@freddyjafar1490 How what?
Polyamory isn't a license to just sleep with whoever you want. It has all the same rules about trust and communication and consent as monogamy.
Own what you did with no excuses.
I might be the minority, but the deception isn’t worse than the act to me. If he waited to tell me, or told me right away, the fact that it physically happened is what would kill me. The physical acts of love meant only for me, being given to another is the problem.
So, as long as you don't know, all good..?
A DADT policy of sorts? (don't ask don't tell)..
I agree the idea of my husband physically loving another seems the worst shy of my kids being harmed or worse yet.. if he withheld that info.. That's salt to the wound.. I can handle a ugly truth but a lie.. Or omission.. Nope.
You definitely shouldn’t tell your spouse, if you care about the spouse more than yourself, you are doing it to relieve your own guilt by hurting the spouse. If the spouse never finds out, it could not hurt him/her.
I know someone who cheated on their spouse, and when I asked if they felt guilty, they said, "No, because we were both adults, we both knew what we were doing." I guess that's either someone who is completely checked out of the marriage, they are done, and for them it's over. Or they're a psychopath. Both sound sad.
Own it and accept the consequences of your actions and be willing to make amends
I think having the courage to admit it will put a person on better immediate terms than discovering it. If they discover it, they'll have to expose it and blame and make you admit it, but if you just flat-out say it, you're obviously admitting something so secret and damaging because you want to make things better, and you have the courage for them to see a bad side of yourself. Truth is acceptance, and lying is denial.
Therapist: So, your partner had an affair with someone who was in a relationship before you came into the picture, and you're upset about that... why?
Me: Because I hate cheating.
Therapist: Then you'll either get over it, because it's not a big deal, or you'll break up. Moving on.
🤯 Goodness me!
How are you gonna be upset about a situation that had nothing to do with you? Before you came into the picture
@@blackbutterfly233ify it upset me because his actions made me question his morals and whether or not that was the kind of person I wanted to get involved with.
Me and my now ex went to marriage counseling when our arguing was out of hand and the therapist looked me straight in my face when I said I would like to get to our core issues when he tried to recommend “date night” ideas you regularly find on Pinterest and said to me “I find black women to be more masculine and Asian men to be more feminine, could that be the issue” and I was stunned and never went back to that man again. I found another therapist who was worth her weight in gold and yea, he was abusive, my ex was psychologically, verbally and emotional abusive and refused to get tested for anti-personality disorder when 1 psychiatrist and 2 therapist wanted him to. I can never forget how this man proudly told us it was because he believed us to be racial stereotypes.
Decades long lies on any level are ugly. Here's why: it COMPOUNDS the emotional side. It intensifies all aspects of the event.
Just come clean. Do it as fast as feasibly possible. If you want to keep your family, then work you arse off to earn back respect and trust. Rebuild.
Otherwise, correct, living a lie.
Just like compounding interest in an investment account creates wealth and prosperity (builds), compounded lied does the exact opposite- tears down.
Yes, the truth eventually comes out.
The scripture you quoted is Luke 8:17
The best answer is don’t cheat in the first place if you really love them
Get help before you destroy your life or marriage or get a divorce first
If "not cheating" was simple, then it wouldn't be such a widenly spread problem. That's the issue with such verses. They're not helpful at all. It's like saying "don't make mistakes in first place, be perfectly in control of everything at all times and do not be a human". That is not how humans work. Even worse: If this is the expectation we place on people, then the shame of "attending to a mistake" becomes bigger than the mistake itself. It just raises the hurdle for people to come clean and to grow and be accountable.
What people need, is the reassurance that mistake ARE a problem, but not a reason to lose face, support, love and connection or "access to faith", if that is your thing.
Even in faith, there's a whole construct of forgiveness. It's there, because it acknowledges that it's incredibly normal for people to be a walking mess.
Let's not disregard, that people cheat and did not get help, because they feared that very judgement. And that "help" is not something that is easily available everywhere and for everyone. People also very frequently mess up, because they lack so many resources to attend to themselves and their relationships, that they are set up for failure and set up to make even more bad choices when their coping strategies are a mess.
It's much more complex than that. We have to stop acting as if people "choose to mess up". People don't. People are accountable for dramage that happens from then AND that is regardless of how much real choice was in there or not. I'm accountable for helping to clean up even if I had an accident and 0 choice in it. The damage is there. So we have to seperate "beig accountable" from "how people end up cheating". And we need to attend to both sides seperately! As society even more so than the people who suffered cheating by their partner. It's our job to support people and figure out why cheating is even a thing. Including the revision of relationship expectations and what we shame in people.
@@KxNOxUTA What you call mistakes are poor choices and decisions . Take accountability for your actions
That's exactly what this person is saying. You're twisting the same thing they said. He talks about the ability to rehabilitate after a bad decision, that's being held accountable
Thank you so much for this. I am in a bachelor's program to become a counselor, and your videos always provide phenomenal guidance. I appreciate your time and sharing your wisdom with us all.
I've never been cheated on per se' but my dad cheated on my mom when I was 8 and, since I was 8, I didn't know what cheating was exactly so I thought dad was out there trying to marry while still married to mom because, due to 8 kid logic I believed I was such a disappointment to dad that I drove him to want a brand new family. That affair never stopped so now I do NOT trust men.
How much of being a therapist is trying to mend the damage and hurt other therapists caused
This is spot on. I was in an affair with my former therapist and have been spiraling out of control since…… 😔
How can you say it *never* stays a secret? Doesn't that depend on circumstance? I get it, as a therapist it is your job to help your patient, not your patient's spouse. Telling a patient to keep the secret and live with the guilt for the rest of their life doesn't fulfill that responsibility. However, to assert that it is *always* best to transfer that guilt and inadequacy to the one you love most, is all kinds of selfish. (All in my unprofessional opinion of course.)
Not everyone feels guilty lol. Sometimes telling someone only makes the preparator feel better.
then its still better they tell the truth, gotta expose that stuff at least.
Man this worries me about child therapists. Adults can (sometimes) tell when their therapist isn’t it. Kids can’t do that.
Kids are by nature, very ego-centric, so that means when something isn’t working out the way they hoped, they tend to just blame themselves
Well, to be honest, the way we learn to discern is through these instances. You do not want parents to be unreliable and it happens, teachers, therapists! People!
They have a terrible advice there but it also doesn't mean that they haven't done good work in other instances. Judging people by a single instance o stuff going wrong, just does not work in life. We cannot avoid issues. We can, however, grow to the point where we can mend past issues and make new choices for our next steps.
Fearing that a chid therapist messes up, are surely valid at times AND not a reason to not seek therapy for children. Time usually shows if therapy is helpful or not. And then it's still possible to shift to another and have them help to clear up, whatever damage a therapist before bmay have screwed up.
We are resilient in that way. Do not fear mistakes. They are unpleasant but normal. Move on nevertheless. Grieve, whatever was lost when things went wrong.
Couldn't one argue that it would take a certain level of arrogance to assume that the person would stay knowing that you'd committed such an egregious act of betrayal? I read a story about a 90 year old man who divorced his wife over an affair that had happened early on in their marriage. They had been married like 50 years and lets face it he didn't have a lot of options for starting over with someone else. I would seriously say it depends on the situation and what you're hoping to accomplish. Yes, they have every right to leave if you tell them, you broke a vow in a very serious way but if you're just looking to assuage your own guilt? I kind of feel that that is just going to have to be your burden to bear in silence. It's not fair to destroy someone else's reality and world and to put that on them unless you absolutely have to (this assumes that the affair is old or very much over and you have completely amended your life). If you really think it is going to come out anyway I agree that it's better to come from you first. At the very least they have the right to hear that kind of news from their partner.
About this subject... What would you do if you discovered your friend cheating their spouse? We discovered it recently by accident and me and my partner are completelly split about it. I would tell, he would not.
Tell your friend that you know and show him/her this video?
That’s a very difficult situation to be in, the messenger usually gets punished more-so than the person who did the wrong. I’m sorry for everyone involved here, and i wish you the best of luck.
In addition to what the others said: You can decide if you love them enough or not. Because loving them, can mean to help do the right thing, if it's unpleaant or not.
What you can do, is talk about YOUR relatioship: You can let them know that this is an issue with your relationship. Because you do not feel safe in a friendship when you see that they fail to be accountable. Tell them that you want to help them be accountable and have a better life. Give them the choice what person they want to be. Talk with them about why things went that way and what makes it hard for them to come clean. Offer them support in coming clean. As friends, it is not our job to shame our friends or to stick to them no matter what. It is, to hold them to the standard of a trustworthy person and to help them bring that person out in themselves.
Ignorance is actually the more devastating, between it and doing active harm. Ignorance is very unfortunately the soil, that gives way to the growth of what we don't want. Ignorance, by default, enables more negative behaviours in our societies at the moment, than positive ones.
It's not just about their choice. It's also about what person you want to be. And what you would hope of the friends of your partner, if they ended up cheating on you. Or what would partner should hope for from your friends, if they learned that you had cheated on him.
Do you love enough, to invest yourself into helping a friend to be a good person?
Do you love enough, to allow yourself to be that accountable person?
The damage is done either way. The question now is not only how to clean up but also, what future damage will result from growth happenig or not happening now.
I would say it. She deserves to know and decide if she wants to stay with him.
I would tell your friend, think of it the other way around would you want to be told?
Thank you RUclips therapist guy!
I think the one scenario in which I would think someone should not tell their partner about their cheating is if they're worried about their safety, but honestly in a relationship where that's a concern at all you should really be looking for a way out
Bad idea to cheat on abuser, many women got killed because they got involved with someone before dissolving relationship with abuser.
Ending relationship with abuser takes time, patience and strategy, only domestic violence and trauma therapists can guide you through that.
Also it’s not fair for a new partner either because they don’t want to be killed by your crazy ex.
I tried therapy at age 18 after my brother passed and was so discouraged from doing therapy I didn't try it again until I was 25 even though I knew I needed it. The therapist I tried when I was 18 I initially started for dealing with grief however, anytime I mentioned any other truama weather it was from my childhood, my parents, or relationships she would always bring it back to my brothers death. So much so that she dismissed any issues I have having and would say it was because of my brother or because of death that I'm feeling this or this. Finally I snapped on her on our 5th session and said my SA when I was 5 and the truama I feel from it isn't a result of a death of a loved one 13 years later. I told her that everything she says doesn't make sense and Makes every point to only focus and care about my brothers death to the end where I feel more manic and worse than I did before I started therapy. She then ended up resigning me but since I was on a wait list due to age and insurance transferring from my parents to me now that I was an adult, I got an email saying it will take about 90 days to find a new therapist and I was so upset that I wasn't free to voice my feelings to her about how she was making me feel and I now felt more lost than ever and had no support. I have been in therapy now for almost 3 years I have 2 therapist who are amazing and I feel free finally being able to heal in a safe space but it's sad because I wanted to give up and I know alot of other people would of as well.
I was that girl the guy cheated on his gf with .. I never wanted to be a part of that, ever. Me and him were just friends "with benefits." His phone was going off repeatedly this one time and I asked him if it was important and he said he will call them back later. It ended up being his new gf (he was single when I first met him, for sure). I had a long talk with him afterwards about why he did it and if he felt guilty, if he would tell her, etc. I literally heard him talk on the phone with her afterwards in my kitchen like nothing happened, and he even said "I love you" casually to her (He thought I couldn't hear the convo). He said he wouldn't tell her cuz it wouldn't do any good, and it would just upset her. He didn't tell me he had a gf of course cuz he knew I wouldn't see him still. That pissed me off SO bad, and can't believe I was even friends with someone like that.
Have I been betrayed? Yes. I don't give a sh!t about their excuses. Have I ever betrayed? No. I am proud to say I stuck to my guns. Even as a writer of erotic fiction I stay away from that part of the genre...
My therapist once told me when I get a job all of my depression and anxiety will go away. Not anxiety about getting a job, which I didn't have much of, my diagnosed anxiety and depression. Pretty much all of my problems will go away when I get a job.
I was also told by a relative that once I get a better job and make more money, that all of my problems will go away. I now make double what I made then. Problems are still here lmao.
@@chelseatomkowiak4207A lot of con artists they don’t have a degree in Psychology to counsel people. Be careful whom you choose to be your therapist.
Just confessed to my wife that i slept with a stripper. She is very upset but willing to give me another chance.
I told her that i will love and support her and our kids for the rest of my life even if she chooses to leave me.
I hope i can make this work
3:38 am This is so how I feel open and honest can bring healing for both .
It all eventually comes out. How you phrase it is so interesting. For my clients, I usually call it the "TV Sitcom Scenario" when I break it down.
Before the episode, your interactions and the events, come to an end; it will come up again eventually. It really all plays like a terrible TV Show when there is deception, lying, and circumventing things is consistent until eventually the problem will have to be addressed by the end. Though I utilize this perspective for them to understand how all relationships (platonic and non-platonic) have things that need to be addressed with underlying feelings, I find this to be true in relationships too.
I will have to get to this level of eloquence when it comes to explaining it in the way you have. 🙂
It all really depends on how far you're willing to go for your goals, and how capable you are of going far
I was told in the way that a “charismatic pastor” would confess. I’m still coping with the feelings.
When it comes to cheating in my family is mixed bag and I hate lying or being lied to. When I notice what my partner does or what I do, I get tired and talk less. If I were to cheat, I'll wait until it's just me and partner to talk about whether we stay together and what are the changes in our relationship or breakup/divorce. *Have a punching bag and boxing wraps for anger. If I were cheated on and they brought it up, I'm proud that they're owning up to their wrongdoing but they're not showing me what they're willing to do to prove that this won't happen. If I find out, I'm going to be a fun person to deal.
But what if you don't have guilt or feel terrible?
Empathy is crucial in every relationship. Someone who does not feel guilty for something like this should not have a partner. That's not fair to the person being betrayed.
Then you'd better get to feeling that way. I can help you with that if needed. Adultery is one of the most revolting things a person can do. If you don't have remorse for that, you are revolting as well.
Lol why am I watching this. Im not even in a relationship
5/5STATSS⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
*really somber, serious video about talking to your partner about cheating*
*SUDDEN JAZZ MUSIC*
what do you thing about EMDR therapy? I have a lot of trauma and my therapist recommended this kind of treatment to me. Is it a scam? I have no idea, even though I've done my research...
My dad cheated on my mom, and i didn't know how or why they divorced before the age of 21 or 22.. I have a big sister that's 11 years older than me, she didn't know either..
I thought my mom had divorced my dad because he is a lazy asshole to be honest, but i found out that my mom had actually been fighting till the last day to keep the marriage going, she even told me recently that she had tried to make them go to couples therapy and he had legit walked out yelling it was "some fucking bullshit".. She new he had been cheating and she stayed for another half year before he broke it off, so he could marry the new woman.. The reason we don't know this is because that relationship ended after a couple of months, and we where never really introduced to her.. i was 3 and my sister was 14, she didn't really like home so she didn't pay much attention i guess (that's fair).
I don't hate my father, i just wish they had parted years earlier to be honest, i know i wouldn't have been born, but shit their relationship ruined both me and my sister.
Now i myself have been on the cheating side tho very innocent to be honest. I was in a "relationship" with a guy and all the romance and intimacy had been dead for a long time, i had told him multiple times that we needed to change things or i would leave, and he gave a ton of empty promises, i got so emotionally numb towards him i didn't care about anything regarding him or my life with him, i just wanted out.. I was with to friends for a weekend, one is my best friend also into guys, and the other was our mutual friend, and i had started to like this guy more and more, we ended up kissing, but before much more happened he told me, that i was in a dead relationship and i should get out before we could do anything more, very respectful i would say.
I got the courage to call my mother and ask if i could come home for a time, and i broke up with the guy i was with.
I also found out that he had been trying to cheat on me, and he had like 6 dating apps on his phone, and leading up to the breakup he met a lot of "friends" when we where out for groceries and stuff, he had started running again and apparently had like 4 different girls that he ran with, and he never told me before they greeted him in front of me?
I'm not the jealous type, i would have encouraged it, but it seems weird not telling your partner like "oh yea i met this other runner and she asked if we could run together to keep up the spirit", also i knew from our 2 years together that he had no more friends in the town, as they had all moved closer to the big city, so yea, i don't really feel bad for that one to be honest.
Can we have some positive content about people who don't cheat and always respect the people they love? I feel like we are sorrounded with negativity in media and we never share good news. People who say "having an affair was not something I expected, it goes against my values" are just lying to themself. You don't cheat by mistake or without thinking about it.
I kind of disagree here. If it's longer affair sure but if it's one time thing I think you shouldn't put your problems on your partner to clear your conscience. I understand everyone can stumble but I don't think I could get over my girlfriend cheating on me, if it was one time thing I would prefer to not know.
I feel you but for me I would want to know so I could leave the relationship. I do not ever want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated no matter how many times. The problem for me is finding out. I would want my partner to know upfront that cheating is a deal breaker but if they know then I assume they would try to hide it even more and it would be harder to find out I believe.
@@1yugioh11 I get that as I said for me it would probably be deal breaker as well. But I think if it was really just one failure more than conscience choice (like drunk party stuff) I would regret leaving person I love for that so if I really love that person I'd prefer if they didn't tell me and deal with their conscience on their own.
You are preventing them from making an informed decision about the future of the relationship if you do not tell them. I personally would find that extremely condescending - I am an adult, not a child, and want to have a chance to decide these sort of things.
@@Jojo66630 sure it's best to discuss your stance before and knowing your partner know.
Actually, it is worth a thought why you'd rather leave your partner alone with a mess htey got themselves in, to avoid confronting your own feelings and why you struggle to work through an instance of people being full of mistakes.
There are actually two sides to accountability! If you are with a person and expect them to be without failure, then you are closing the doors for honesty and being a reliable partner in handling issues. Interetsing, no? I rarely see this other side of it spoken about.
Not wanting honesty, is really the equivalent of not wanting to deal with mistakes and your own reactions to the mistakes of others. And that is not a base of trust. Aka, you are currently not trusting yourself with your own reactions and your partner is likely to feel that. And likely to protect you accordigly. And likely to get exposed to a lot of heatbreak. Because these things do usually not stay confined to the area of "cheating". Often, this is a pattern that tends to extend to other areas of "mistakes" (e.g. breaking sth, stealing, breach of privacy in any shape or form, faliing to commply to requests....the list is very long).
I am not saying this to be hurtful or point fingers. I am saying this, to bring your attention to how you spoke about "not putting problems on your partner" while pointing out that you do not trust your own reaction, which puts that issue on your partner (And e.g. their need to come clean to be able to look themselves in the mirror in future). And maybe that is something that you want to have an eye on, for your own sake. Not, because it's inherently bad. But because not knowling results in you not being able to make a conscious decision, if you want that dynamic to have an impact on your chances of recovering from mistakes that happen in and during partnerships or not.
Wishing you the best. And a lot of strength to attend to all parts of you!
What would you tell unrepentant cheaters, the ones who tell you they cheated as if proud of it and want you to agree with them?
5/6Bafdeggs⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This is such a typical man's perspective. If it isn't safe to tell your partner, DON'T. If it isn't beneficial to your relationship to tell your partner, DON'T.
I definitely disagree. Of course if it's not safe, that is something totally different but:
Why should someone have the audacity to decide what is better for someone else?
The truth is not something to be negotiated. Noone can predict the future and you can't know what is beneficial for your significant other.
The mistake already happened, the mistake is not beneficial, the honesty is.
The best thing you can do is to give a choice.
If your partner chooses to stay, you could work on the things that led to you cheating in the first place. If they choose not to stay, they would be angry about you lying.
So no. I really do not think, that this is a manly view. It's a respectful one!
@@soleydoesyoutube I stopped reading at "the truth isn't something that should be negotiated."
Sure it is.
If your worrying about safety than trust and boundaries are gone. he's talking about a relationship. you know where people respect, trust, and actually like each other. if its not safe then its not even a relationship.
also don't say its a mans perspective because my comment comes from experience of (me) a male feeling unsafe and stranded and being stuck for years in a marriage with a woman.
I'm a woman and I agree with him. I would want to know so I could leave his ass.
If it isn’t safe to tell your partner then that’s a situation where you need to looking for a safe way out.
"Carried that guilt," probably, if you're a man (I've never cheated, and never would, so I don't know,) but women have zero sense of guilt. No matter what they've done or are doing, they think they're right to do it.
You have never been a woman. Let me tell you, there are very few women on this planet who would not feel bad about adultery.
Dude, get some therapy.