Why Good People Still Have Affairs
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- Ever wonder why someone you respect and admire could break trust and engage in an affair? Unravel this complex web with us, as we share a story close to home, my father, a respected preacher who grappled with his own infidelity. Through this powerful narrative, we dissect the reasons that even the best among us might step into the shadows of betrayal, exploring the forces of external pulls, shifts in personal beliefs, and the discord created by living out values that don't align with our own.
Open your eyes to the potential of forgiveness and the resilience required to mend fractures caused by infidelity. Discover how my mother found the courage to trust my father again and the hard work they both put in to rebuild their relationship. This episode isn't just about exploring the why behind the affair, it's also about the aftermath-how to pick up the pieces and create something stronger in the wake of a betrayal. Join us for a candid conversation about relationships, the dynamics of self-serving actions, and the importance of making informed decisions. This isn't just a story to be heard, it's an opportunity to see infidelity in a fresh light and better understand the complex emotions involved.
Time Stamps:
0:00 - Why good people have affairs, despite being good.
0:58 - Father's affair and divorce.
4:03 - Cognitive dissonance and personal change.
6:22 - Affairs and personal growth.
9:37 - Rebuilding relationships after infidelity.
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#Affairs #CognitiveDissonance #reconciliation
Good is a reative term.
What separates most "good" from "bad" people is the wisdom to repent, turn away from ,or run from temptation and selfishness. Cheating is seldom a few big decisions, but rather a thousand ever increasing compromise our sinful hearts justify. We are all capable of and fall short.
Good talk. Love your videos!
My husband started to look physically different. He piled on a bunch of weight. Dark, splotches on his face. Psoriasis took over his scalp and cheeks. Affair was rotting him from the inside. He changed his beliefs and values to agree with what he was doing. I have calmed down. I had to for our child. One parent breaking her heart and making her lose home stability was enough.
Kimberly, I really enjoyed this video. I like when you and anyone at Marriage Helper talks about Christianity, temptation, mercy, and forgiveness. You and Dr. Beam have helped my family tremendously though several storms of marriage. My husband and I can happily say we are happily married now. We've been married 28 years, and our children have a legacy of married parents which we believe will be good for their future marriages. I thank the LORD for MH.
This video speaks the truth so well
Understanding rather than judgement
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart
So Dr. Joe also disrespected the boudaries between a counselor and the person seeking adivce when he had his affair in the 1980s. A VERY important boundary to uphold.
Took them back, their version of events were lies, zero accountability no changed behaviour just lip service. Delighted your parents worked things out though.
Yes, what-you-see-is-what-you-get.
I thank God for you guys!
God…through you…saved my marriage and my family…and I’m forever grateful! ❤
Thank you, it gives me hope to continue what I had decided in my marriage
Thank you so much
I am inspire by your story but we need examples the other way around as well; when the husband takes back the nonmonogamous wife after two or three years after she's gone with her affaire partner..... it is hard to fine and what ends up imposing is that the divorce stands for life, new beginning and kids with split custody or visitation arrangements
Marriage Helper has served plenty of couples where this has happened.
People all have free will with a wicked heart. We have to choose to sin or not. Cheaters are sinners who acted bad and need to repent.
Have u ever sin?
I think the spouse that cheated has to find their way first and admit what happened. Mine hasn't and it doesn't appear ever will. If she thinks she did nothing wrong then there is no hope.
Stay strong
Ghost her so you do not satisfy any of her needs.
No contact means no drama.
There are plenty of good women out there, I hope you find one.
If you decide to stay with her that will get worse. She will treat you as a doormat and start cheating openly to humiliate you deliberately. Respect yourself, dump her
Over time the behavior associated with an affair corrupts a person, even a good one. My wife is no longer the same person I married as a result of her 3-4 year affair. She told me that over time, living a double life became normal. She got into a pattern of routine lying and deception, even rewriting the story of our marriage in her mind to justify what she did. When she talks about it, her tone is cold and indifferent, as if she is an outside observer to what she did. The affair also has killed the empathy she once had.
Renewing the marriage requires INSIGHT and SELF reflection especially of the cheater. If that 3 - 4 year affair was an unique event (to be explained by limerence) she needs to come to terms with that (and it influences how she sees the affair now, resp. what she would do if that man contacted her again. And it will keep her from ruminating.
It would be interesting why she stayed or came back. Did the affair partner dump her ?
Not all affairs are caused by limerence. Or that the spouse wants to feel loved, inspired, desired.
Esther Perel says one common theme of people with affairs is that they report how alive they feel / felt.
Now that can be unhealthy thrill seeking .... or the out of the order actions of one spouse in a marriage in a rut.
Which then would require insight and change of both partners - but in that case the marriage has a good chance to survive. They are typically not _that_ much in love with the affair partner, it is more an indicator that they miss something important.
Have you tried good counseling (good !) I do not think a person that had empathy loses it. Maybe she feels very guilty and getting emontionless is her way to ward of shame and guilt. Maybe she was low key depressed - and the excitment of an affair was her way to self medicate (some people do that self-medicating by creating drama in their life. The insecurity drives stress hormones and adrenaline - and that can acually keep a (not too intense) depression at bay.
I am engaged in benign speculation on your part - else it does not sound good.
Maybe they don't love their spouse. Frankly, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't love me anyway. Why should I serve and sacrifice for a man when he does nothing for me, who doesn't show me any care. If he doesn't care that he is hurting me, he can go away.
Its called abuse of power
Thank you.
Kimberly, thank you so much!
I don't think my wife thinks that what she did was wrong. Who knows, it has only been four months.. :(
Remember the times you away from your partner are the times you could have spent building upon the foundation you have 👍
Esp if you have kids
“The temptress or tempter who sins the most.” W Shakespeare
Ok I can work to forgive the affair.. but she needs to move out of her boyfriends house that is 1500 miles away. At this point, we are still married and she is doing everything possible to delay the divorce that SHE FILED FOR... so after the affair fails and she comes back to be near her family, I'll try to forgive and find the good in her.
This is insane if you even think of trying to forgive her.
What you are saying is just nonsense. In this case it is not bad vs good. In the eyes of God and church he is a sinner and he is a pastor. He has to present a good example to the people he preaches. He preaches one thing and practices another thing. If he himself is a sinner, the people will lose faith in the church and God. he has not only let down his family's but the people he preached as well. People watching your video will sin more and more. Looks like you got from him the sinful mind and see nothing wrong with it. God bless you all people to follow the principles God laid down. This will create peace and harmony and better world to live in.
Kindness leads to repentance… Not telling people how horribly sinful they are. They already know they’re sinful. Jesus demonstrated this perfectly with the woman caught in adultery…
And then there’s David… Who, according to Old Testament law should’ve been killed… But there was mercy shown. There’s a reason that Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and love people.
In the eyes of God, we are ALL sinners. "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." John 1:8
Truth
Gotta wonder, how many dudes has she allowed to cheat and get away with it.
What about multiple affairs throughout your marriage.
I don't understand though..
I work graveyard shift
So we don't have to afford a babysitter.. so I'm home all day with the family.. we agreed on it..
And my wife still cheated on me
Social media. ECT
Half of her friends are divorced..
They're telling her how much wonderful to dating is... ECT
Maybe be a good person, but definitely a bad spouse.
Nah they just bad.
what if kids of partner is abusing new partner’s babies. is that valid for divorce? plus cheated along with that
Sounds like the chemical changes in the brain for cognitive dissonance are not the fault of the adulterer like he is sick and is not to blame. I do think when we are put in situations of distress our character is challenged and that is where we find out who is a coward and who is a hero. Cowards can find redemption but put under the same situation the cowardice my still win☹️
I still can't understand why Alice took him back. The damage to the kids was already done.
Wrong. Her logic is sad and absurd. Good people do not have affairs. Good people are not deceitful self serving manipulators. If you have an affair, you are unethical and immoral. Her logic and justification of his behavior is so sad and cringey . Sadly, her dad could care less who he hurt. There is a difference between remorse and regret. They all regret getting caught. That is not remorse.
(Good):means moral perfection,so only God is good people are not good
Exactly.
Agreed. When they cheat, they no longer qualify as "Good"..Bad is more appropriate..In fact the holy spirit leaves while this is going on.
Repentance sure..After the behavior is stopped and not repeated..then the person starts over from the bottom rung in building line upon line of spiritual strength, wisdom and inspiration..But with commitment even be stronger..But not likely stronger than they would have been had they obeyed and relieved those blessings.
Or they've not received the Holy Spirit at all (at least at that time). People can live for years, in a justified and sanctified state without receiving the baptism of the Holy Ghost and fire.
But if they do, they certainly will grieve the Holy Spirit.
Jesus explained it differently:
The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery; and making her stand before all of them, they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?' They said this to test him, so that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, 'Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone against her'. And once again he bent down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the elders; and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus straightened up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, sir'. And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again'.
It doesn't seem like Jesus spent any of this passage calling the woman bad. In fact, he pointed out that sin is sin, and that none are clean by themselves. I've known good men who fall into temptation and have affairs but they are otherwise good men. We all need to grow beyond our mistakes, and we need people who will give us grace.
The Holy Spirit does not leave us when we grieve Him. If He did, salvation would be pointless because the only way the Holy Spirit would leave us is if we could lose our salvation. The Bible states MANY times in both the New and Old Testaments that He will never leave nor forsake us. Please go read your Bible and don’t give into false teachings and false information.
Question for the naysayers: Was King David a good person? Question for Kimberly: You casually mentioned “some things going on in my parents’ marriage” leading up to the affair. Do you think “the pull” was that strong or that the “push” from inside the marriage was so strong that it was easier to respond to the pull? Bonus question: If Dad “did the right thing” by stopping the affair and returning to your mom, did your mom “do the right thing” by addressing the marriage issues that pre-existed the affair, or is it just enough to “give him a second chance” to get his act together? Affairs are destructive, to be sure; but toxicity in marriage is destructive, too.
The husband came back to the marriage AFTER his affair blew up in his face-he even stated this in a past discussion. A person who lies, deceives, and then discards their spouse because they’ve now formed a new “relationship” with someone else is not a healthy person. Good or bad has nothing to do with it. And while men and and women (generally) cheat for different reasons there is no excuse for this behavior. Healthy people simply breakup when dealing with a person who behaves in this manner.
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He is a man after God's own heart, for one because he was quick to repent when convicted.
King David was not a good person. He set up a man to be murdered and then took his wife. That's not good by anyone's definition. King David was redeemed by a good God though after he repented and dealt with the consequences of his actions. The bible is filled with flawed humans that the Lord redeems and calls out of their darkness because He is GOOD.
Never blame a betrayed for what a cheater does because the cheater can just leave, no need to cheat
Good people don't cheat. Period.
Such a black and white statement.
It is the good people, who believe they are 100% immune from temptation, that succumb to it. You don't see an affair coming. It doesn't immediately feel like a threat to your value system. They are not waving a big red danger sign for you to see. Someone who deceives you may come to you in the form of a friend, a mentor, a listener. It doesn't feel like a threat at first... and the longer you are exposed, the more you begin to make excuses and compromises to your values. In the end, the person who pulled you in can deceive you, triangulate others against you, and blame it all on you.... for falling in love with them when you were never looking for love in the first place..
I know. I was a single 20 something when a married someone 36 came into my life when I believed their age and experience would provide me with ideal dating advice, guidance, and help. I was not a bad person, but have since had to live with the guilt and shame of making a mistake against my values and hurting people I loved in way I never believed I ever would.
Be careful so confidently passing judgement.
I hope you are never tested in such a way in your life. You may yet make a genuine mistake in judgment that you regret and runs contrary to your values. You would never want those who love you to simply discard you, label you, and write you off permanently. You would absolutely want to be forgiven and to learn to forgive yourself. I will always be grateful for those who stood by me, trying to reinforce that I remained a good person... but one who made bad choices and used incredibly poor judgment.
Good people don't have affairs period.
False. It is a temptation just like any other bad thing. Refusing to change and refusing to care, makes you a bad person.
You're wrong what u need to do is learn to forgive, just like ur spouse need to learn to not cheat
Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't let manipulators fool you around. If your spouse gets cheated on you cut the losses, dump the cheater and move on. Respect yourself, don't let cheaters humiliate you. If you don't do it you'll find yourself later on in much worse situation
Does not apply to Dr. Joe Beam and his wife Alice. And I know marriages that have recovered from affairs.
@@franziskani it's everybody's choice of course. You are either have self respect or don't
The Bible don’t condemn polygyny
If he adjust his tradition of men
And keep the true only the true
He unite the two women and cover bolt
This is not a sin , Yah it’s a polygyny Elohim, l know this hurt Christian feelings but it’s the only true
Lying, deception, and adultery are all indicators of someone suffering from some kind of mental illness. There is no excuse for this behavior. A healthy person who experiences this behavior from a spouse should simply break up. An unhealthy person, on the other hand, will take back a person who betrays them in such an intimate manner. Professor Sam Vaknim has stated this plainly. Any justification for this kind of betrayal is complete BS.
I believe it’s different when women cheat. When a woman lets another man into her body, it changes her at her core. I’ve seen men take back women after affairs…they usually end up cheating again. Men on the other hand, if they were good men prior to the affair, can sincerely change.
The answer is simple.
Good people do not have affairs and should be immediately ghosted.
The only change to this is where children are involved, where a polite distance is given, and a clarity that the only reason the partner is meeting the cheater is for the sake of the children.
Stop giving cheaters an excuse to hide behind
A cheater does not change its spots.
This is utter nonsense by the very definition of the word good it is impossible for an actual good person to have an affair. Having an affair is the opposite of being a good person.
Lol
Polygyny, which is never condemned in the bible, would have resolved your dad's "problem" and kept him aligned with biblical values. As you said, it was christian TRADITION that caused his cognitive dissonance, not true Biblical marriage values and definitions.
Tell me you’ve never read the Bible without telling me you’ve never read the Bible.
@@regondishow me the actual verses you've read that supposedly prove me wrong.