Hmmm, I was cheated on. Was in a 14 yr relationship. I understand her ideas but the truth of it for me was that even if I forgive, I would never forget. And once trust is broken the relationship is too. I couldn’t continue in a relationship that contained a partner who lied, cheated and disrespected me and our relationship. I valued myself too much to stay with a person like that, and my self worth and self esteem was too valuable to waste on someone who didn’t deserve it.
@@humanyoda why should she? No one has to stay. We don't have forced marriages. Cheating is a choice, you do it because you want to. You do it while knowing it will harm another person and you don't care. You don't mind that they're going to be hurt, that you're breaking your promises and that you're putting everything that you've built thogether at risk. You don't care because you're only thinking about fullfiling your current desires. You're only thinking about yourself. Still having someone else should be view as acceptable? And people shouldn't have the need to trust?! What is a relationship without trust? If you were betrayed ofc you don't trust that person. Why should you? I wouldn't stay either. I'd rather be alone than with someone that does not care for my feelings or wellbeing at all. I also like to be happy and to not be constanly guessing if the person was really telling the truth or was just getting out to cheat again.
The trust issues usually date back to childhood. Though love is unconditional, so we will never have a sustainable relationship if we can't forgive the mistakes of others. If people are over and over again making the same mistakes and letting us down, this is different. If people have cheated and hurt us a lot, if they're sorry and they will never do it again, then it's up to you if you give it another chance. A strong soul connection cannot be broken though... ever. Love doesn't just disappear, the heart becomes guarded, it's our job to be vulnerable enough to let that guard down again. If you can't trust someone that has hurt you again and your intuition screams at you, then you always go with your gut.
I think it takes a massive amount of strength to stay in a relationship after cheating is involved. I couldn't do it. Tried for a year of marriage counselling but the more i stayed the less respect i had for myself. I felt responsible for breaking up my family even though i wasn't the one who cheated. What eventually made me leave was my own daughter saying why are you so unhappy now mummy. Broke my heart. Thankfully 5 yrs on and me and my girls are very happy. We have a close bond and life is good 🥰
Good on you for trying forgiveness. Most people won’t try for their family but you did. You should always hold your head high for fighting for your girls. I’m still fighting my internal battle after it happened just under 2 years ago. You are right…it is VERY hard and I even have a spouse who is now doing everything right….putting in the work to repair the marriage and who is extremely regretful and remorseful. It…is….hard. However, seeing my babies happiness keeps me going. The hardest part is feeling alone in my internal pain and suffering but that would still be there even if I divorced. It would just open up new pain and feelings of regret. Maybe it’s true that people like me lack some self worth but also, like you, we are a hell of a lot tougher than most and are willing to go through personal suffering, shame, and pain for our families. God bless you.
I relate to you in some ways. I discovered that my lover has been cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship with multiple women. I tried to stay, but I just can't. The thought of him cheating on me again was always haunting me. We had a conversation how I'm fearful of him doing it again. He said he stopped..but I caught him asking about his side chicks whereabouts and I just dropped it.
@angrybeing4921 Good for you. I always love the quote.. pay attention to how they make you feel, over how you feel about them! Regardless of how much you like them, if they are making you feel unhappy, it's not worth it. We are worth so much more. xx
As a fellow psychologist, l would say we need to have a nuanced view on this. It depends on who you are, your standards and dealbreakers. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. The person l once knew is no longer there. I could never continue.
Yes! Cheating in a relationship is the ultimate betrayal. It hurts like hell, the person who cheated portrayed themselves as a loyal person who wanted to be loyal to you and you alone then the person who was cheated on trusted, and believed this other person truly loved them and would never hurt them then BOOM! true colors show and then you realize they are liars, and not ever who they portrayed themselves to be.
I continued dating him after he cheated and it became like a “cancer” to our relationship. Cheating didnt break us up, I ended up losing my attraction to him, and lost my respect for him and thats ACTUALLY why I decided to leave him. Honestly Id rather move on with someone new if it's a boyfriend that cheats 100%. If we married and we had kids I might try and make that work. Just ONE TIME only. he's got ONE SHOT to not betray me again.
That betrayal I'd too much. It was a vow taken in marriage. It might as well have been written in water for my ex wife. The pain still creeps on me a year later. I've had so many hotter girls throw themselves at me.... I said nah I couldn't do that to my wife. My moral compass won't allow it.
I cheated. I’m a female. I never in my life thought I would cheat. My husband is addicted to porn. He never wants to have sex with me. I am always the one to initiate. I tried to talk with him for years about getting help. Tried to fix our marriage. Went to counseling. I started to fantasize about other men and was completely honest about the fantasies. He still was cold to my needs of affection because he was already getting fulfilled elsewhere by multiple women in a screen. It saying it’s right but I cheated. It only got as far as a kiss. But it was still cheating. Not saying it was right but when someone is not getting what they need they will go elsewhere. We have went to counseling. And before we went I had tried everything they said to try in our marriage. He is really damaged from childhood and shuts down anytime I bring up something that bothers me. And then he will ignore me for days and turn to porn. It’s a cycle that has been going on for 5 years. I am very healthy and men look at me all the time. But my husband never tells me I’m beautiful. He is constantly looking at other women in front of me so I know he has a sex drive. Oh for got to mention that he loses his boner and if he has one it is soft/not fully erect Either from the porn or his mental state of how he feels about me. He’s gone to the doctor and everything is all good!! He recently got some blue chew pills(viagra type) and used them by himself!!!! I feel like he is. It attracted to me from the lack of hardness It is an awful feeling But I do still try even though he does not in multiple aspects of our marriage. Again I’m not saying it was right for me to cheat but with the lack of affection and not trying on his part has made my self esteem not existent to the point I cheated.
It rendered me useless, hopeless and everything less, if I remember my sacrifices for my husband. He's been cheating with different different women for the past 13 years 😢😢😢sad and he still says he loves me 😢
This- he didn’t even actually cheat, he just went behind my back to watch p*rn and thirst traps… this still was enough to make me forget who I was too… moved to Cali and found myself again tho 🎉
"You wanted a woman who fights for you? You got her." That part gave me chills! The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If the person is angry, that could potentially mean they still care... a lot. What you do with that anger is what matters. Awesome video!
@@sarachinisaz1398 Some shut down, ignore and avoid the other and quickly divorce, so i guess angry woman going to therapy with cheating husband is some sort of fighting. I would personally not want to see that man ever again.
Its kinda how I feel about it too. Context matters so much...but nobody can reward disloyalty. So often it breaks the relationship on so many levels that there is anyways not much to do. At least if it is considered as betrayal by one. Who likes to get back stabbed anyways...
"When you are attracted by the gaze of a person [other than your partner], it doesn't mean you want to leave the person you're with, it is because you want to leave the person you yourself have become." - Esther Perel
@@mandyjames8211 If you've ever heard Esther say this quote in an interview you would realize it's not a justification for cheating in her mind. It's more of an explanation of why people cheat and she does expect the cheater to own their decision. The time I heard her say it, she was describing how cheaters try to blame their partners by saying "you made me do it" because of some perceived slight. She clearly rejects that argument and puts the blame on the cheater.
As a guy that has been cheated on I can say Esther Perel has provided some amazing insight. I still think it's much more simpler then how people define it. Really when someone is open to make a connection to someone else, for whatever reason they expose themselves to the possibility of cheating. Cheating can be a flirt, emoji, a hug etc. Ultimately the person that's open to a connection has to make a choice to stop themselves from anything going further in whatever manner would cause you to progress in physical and emotional state. It's not the person being betrayed that is lacking anything EVER. Treating people and yourself with respect by walking away or at least say hey lets go to counseling. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Cheating is not just about sex, it takes a lot of irresponsiblity and ignorance to cheat. Like putting your partner at a risk of an STD, completely disregarding their feelings and emotions, lying, putting yourself first, not thinking about the consequences. Of course you lose respect for the whole person. Saying "it's just sex" sounds like a coping mechanism for someone who is too afraid to leave.
When she says its unfair to the relationship to end it after everything you have been through, I remembered that it was exactly what i thought when my ex cheated. I felt that she had made the decision for me to end it. Like i had no choice. She ended the relationship with her action i just said the words. I felt a disgust so horrible, its the worst thing i have ever gone through.
Exactly. I always say I didn’t kick him out of the house, he did it when he decided to disrespect me and the kids, I just said it out loud. Not even friends now, I choose wisely my friends, they need to have values, he doesn’t, he disgusts me.
I did exactly what she is saying about not ending the relationship bcz of all the other good part of my marriage. 5 years later my ex was just waiting to leave, mean while he planned the divorce for those 5 years. He almost left me in the street and he got engaged to the woman he was having 5 years b4. My daughter was only 8 month old when I found out he was sleeping with a friend. In 2015 I finally had enough and today I am still dealing with the divorce. A friend once said, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. A man can become a monster once they meet another woman.
He was a top tier asshole. Let someone bigger deal with him. I am so sorry, and I don't think your effort to try was in vain. It sounds like you left before the situation got too unhealthy. There's still the love inside of us and no one can take that away!
She never said to forgive someone who has a parallel relationship to you. She is talking about one time thing and the possibility of this being a cry for help. Your case with what she is saying is completely different.
Oh man, I cried! My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, but I decided to give him a second chance because I didn't want that stupid thing ruined what we'd created before. It hurts to grow, it's true, and his cheating still hurts. Sometimes I remember all that and I start crying, I know he is kinda tired about seeing me crying, but well, those tears are his fault, and he knows. After the cheating, I changed. Now I'm more anxious and insecure. I was very happy, I felt beautiful and powerful. It's impressive how a single action made by someone you really love and trust on can change your hole life and the perception you have about it
If a woman cheated on me, it is over. I don't care for her reason. I might forgive her, but I am moving on. I would expect her to do the same if I cheated. I don't care how much I want her to stick around, I don't care how much I love her or how much she loves me. A person should have their principles, their values, their pride, and one should not expect that person to overlook this enormous transgression. I have had a friend who was like a brother to me. I went to his mother's funeral. I would do anything for the dude. But he took advantage of me. He was a pathological liar. He ended up being shady and could not be trusted. I had to let him go. I loved the guy, he was like family, and nothing will erase the good times, but the bond was broken. The same goes for cheaters. I don't care for your reason. Whether it is because you want attention, because you seek satisfaction elsewhere, or because you had a lapse in judgment or willpower. Bottom line, cheating 99% of time is due to poor communication and putting your own needs above your partners. If you need something that you aren't getting within the relationship and you can't let it go, then you need to break it off.
I know that it can force growth, discovery, to face harsh truths, just as any other tragedy, just as any other intense pain can force us to transmute it into something we can learn from. However, as much as I believe that we as people should dissolve the ego by shining light on it, the betrayal is one that shakes the trust of a relationship to its very foundations. How can one feel that he or she is able to satisfy their partner, how can it not bring rise to insecurity, to become estranged, breaking the connection that was created through being vulnerable and putting your heart on the line? To me, a large part of love is self-sacrifice. It isn't always about happiness, about yearning, or desire. It is about surrender. It is about severing a part of your self to make room for half of the other. When that other half seeks completion elsewhere, it leaves the rest rent asunder. And then, if one wants to put it back together, it may not fit exactly the same. Perhaps the bond can be made stronger if both halves work at it, or perhaps it leaves cracks in the design, where the pieces could just as easily fall apart again... And although Perel argues that there are a number of other things that can cause these cracks, like resentment, violence, apathy, and neglect, I would argue that nothing is more outright emotionally damaging than infidelity, besides perhaps domestic abuse.
sharpnickelz Very well put. Most people who stay and try to "rebuild" the relationship are codependent on the partner physically, emotionally, economically.
I couldn't agree more! I would walk away on the spot if my partner cheated on me, because I would NEVER trust him again. Ever. I would forgive him, but never have trust in him. If you're happy with someone, if you truly love someone you don't cheat. If you know your partner doesn't accept cheating and you want something else, you leave and live out your single-life. That's how I see it.
@ron webber I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to claim whether something is right or wrong, no matter the decision you make. However I think it’s a bit more complicated. My first reaction to be cheated on? Fuck you. My second reaction, I want to understand why. Tell me. Explain yourself. My third reaction? Does she understand what it causes? Does she understand what it cost? And if you just slightly think, okay there is a context to it, she was selfish, there is no excuse in that sense, but I got my closure now. From there in it is for me to decide if I want to stay in this relationship and forgive. I will never forget, I don’t want this to happen again, but just leaving the current relationship and going into another, doesn’t protect you from it not happening again. There is no recipe. It’s a long process to cheat on someone, after you have been with a person for such a long time, but there is love and love is not only a chemical thing, it’s also a process of maturing and being able to communicate. If you ever feel that way again, please talk to me. I want to understand.
Maybe its a shame,maybe its self respect. But after watching her ted talk,I know for sure she like catchphrases. Its like watching captain america in avengers
I am in a very happy relationship for 6 years and I agree with her. I have never cheated on my partner but thought of it did cross my mind when i had a work crush. We will always be attracted to another person no matter how much we love our partner. That is why cheating is a choice. We can think about it, its reality, but we should never do it and to put an effort to avoid being close to the person you are attracted to. Being in a happy relationship does makes you think twice about cheating compared to being in an unhappy one. **Had to edit because we change after 3 years bu the comments keep coming 😂
so she proably also thought about cheating with other dudes? you think of cheating of her?and that too all the time? why ? why do you always feel like cheating on your partner?
@@subhabaskaran1849 as a man I can tell you why I would cheat - because I get bored with the same person. I wish that wasn’t the case, but biologically, my body loses the drive over time. But I don’t cheat because I have morals, and don’t want to hurt my partner. So we usually just break up.
Loyalty all the way. It's about respect for the other half. Respect, love, communication. If you are in a relationship where loyalty is key, cheating will destroy that relationship. I would never trust my partner ever again if he cheated - as simple as that. Therefore communication is important - talk to each other, get to know each others values in life, your goals, your thoughts on relationships, your hopes in the future. What do you want? Do you want a monogamous relationship? Open relationship? Something else? Find someone who wants what you want; someone with similar goals and values. And keep communicating ALL THE TIME, and TRY to make yourselves better ALL THE TIME. Keep the passion going, try to make things exciting and fun. Never stop doing that! AND the most important thing, stick to your values and promises. If you say you're against cheating, don't cheat. We're only human, but at least respect your other half. Leave if you want something else in life. Spare your partner the pain.
@Maria Athena What they just described isn't simple. Relationships are hard work. All those things they mention are part of compatibility. You for sure need compatibility in a relationship. If you don't align with all the things they mentioned in a relationship it will fall apart. Compatibility should be the first thing you check for before starting a relationship. Not love but compatibility.
To everyone here who (I feel) is putting out some quite black and white statements, I think it's smart to take into consideration the kinds of relationships she's talking about. I don't think she's referring to new relationships in which one of the partners has been pretty much cheating from the get go or where there is not a very serious foundation yet. I'm under the impression that she is rather talking about relationships of years, marriages that have withstood many a test, in her own words 'entire lives' built up together. I understand that in those situations, simply walking away as soon as someone has cheated might not be as straightforward and could even be somewhat premature. Relationships are rarely as simple as a black and white statement.
Cheated on me? There’s the door, baby. You broke my trust, you destroyed my feelings and no matter how much we have accomplished together, my self love will speak louder and who can guarantee you won’t do this again. No hon, not with me.
While I agree that you stay and work through the challenges in a relationship with depth, intimacy is one thing that is supposed to be sacred with a partner, and there must be strict boundaries. Cheating is a deal breaker, no exceptions.
Esther is incredible. She's fierce in standing behind a rarely spoken perspective. As all advices is doesn't work in all circumstances but it's not a position to be ignored. I'm always in awe listening to this woman! I was ecstatic to see her on your channel!!!
I love watching your videos Matthew! but I was in a relationship a couple months ago with a girl who cheated on me with her ex. It was hard, but crazy enough I eventually forgave her, until a couple months later when she cheated on me again. That's when I knew she truly didn't love me. I believe if you truly love someone, you have no desire to be with anyone else, and if you do get those sexual urges or thoughts for another person you just push those thoughts out, and avoid being in situations where the temptation to cheat is very high. Both my grandparents have been married for over 50 years and have stayed loyal. If they can be loyal for that long I know I can and I'm only going to look for someone who can do the same.
Kaden, I couldn't agree with you more. My grandparents also valued faithfulness, honesty, honor, integrity, and trust. They had a duty to one another and the marriage and worked to keep their love and passion going. Love takes work! It isn't just some magical force that either is or isn't. People get too hung up on chemistry and "sparks" these days. Granted, it takes this chemistry to build the initial attraction, but all love and passion ebbs and goes from a roaring fire to a steady flame. It is that steadfast resolution, that determination, that makes true love so strong. Perhaps that is why the divorce rate is so high these days? Perhaps women are more apt to look for something "more", always looking for that new flame rather than tending the fire in the hearth at home.
I agree - when i've been in love i've had no desire whatsoever to flirt with anyone else or have sex with anyone else, the chemicals in me that would have made it possible just arent there any more. its not love if theyre cheating.
I believe, and I would like to hear your opinion as well on this, that back in the day of our grandparents, cheating was harder to occur. Dating apps, the internet, social media etc... Did not exist and those increase the risk of cheating. Also, if your grandparents were living in a rural area, that makes it harder to cheat because the population is usually smaller than urban areas. Lastly, in today's world, we are so open about sex which I think influences a lot of people to mess around or experiment.
My grandparents lived in the city and then moved to the 'burbs. They didn't live in a rural area. They also have quite a few couples as friends, ones they knew from around the neighborhood and also ones they met regularly when they went camping. They were also raised to be very traditional and put family above all else. My grandfather was very stoic, so he handled things very fair and even. He stood up for himself, but he let my grandmother, who was very strong-willed, have her say and to have some control too. They just worked very well together. Of course, I don't know about their sex life as that is something a grandson doesn't think about. haha! Could have been vanilla, could have been non-existent. All I know is that before my grandfather passed he had dementia and my grandmother was there for him until the day of his death. After he died she was devastated and lived the rest of her days, several years actually, in a state of depression. She loved him so deeply, it was like literally losing a part of herself when he passed... ...and to think, she didn't even like him when they first met. She had many suitors. BUT, my grandfather was persistent. He saw her at a few dances and each time he asked her out. Finally, she gave in and then fell madly in love. Persistence like that would be considered creepy and stalkerish these days. Back then, apparently that sort of determination was considered endearing.
luckydude x i think its more that we've moved on as a society and its not so socially debilitating if you're found out as it would have been decades ago. Also women have been allowed some independance and no longer have to put up with it because they've got jobs and their own houses as opposed to decades ago when women had to marry or would be with her parents for ever!
Like Ester said, is important to understand, when you choose to be in a relationship with a person, there are still chances they will do stupid things. And it is up to everyone involved in the relationship (mono, poly) to decide if they want to work on it or mark it the end. Also, keep in mind someone you met in the future might have cheated on their past partner and you'll have to decide if they've become better or not worthy of giving the chance.
This.... I was recently on the other side unfortunately... a friend and I slept together.. this friend has a partner... expecting a child... I’m spiralling currently after a break up. My behaviour was shitty but I pushed my values to the side - for the first time in my life. Having been cheated on severally - it’s gross to think about it. I realise - after observing said friends behaviour - that it is completely due to lack of respect for their partner. It’s impossible to be in that position with such a good person and then decide so easily to cheat... I do want to add though that I’m sure it is more complicated than that - I feel like there is an issue that was never communicated. Or a thing this person may have wanted a while ago that wasn’t communicated. In the end - I CANNOT STRESS the IMPORTANCE OF OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION. Honestly as someone cheated on I can see it. I know a friend who is honest with their partner about when they feel like cheating and then they talk about what they might be wanting elsewhere and why and talk it all the way down to what’s needed and boom - it’s done. Then there’s no longer a need to go outside. That - or you could reach your own personal agreements - but the most important thing is honesty. It honestly doesn’t hurt. It’s the dishonesty that hurts - always.
Part of loving someone is having respect for them. So your comment is silly. If don't respect them enough to not cheat, and you're willing to lose them, then that's not love.
I was a stander for 5.5 years after the heartbreak of infidelity hit my marriage (anniversary of it today, in fact!). My marriage did not reconcile, but I learned a lot about myself during that time and how strong I truly am, and how much I valued my relationship and my partner. Having said that, I would never encourage anyone to do what I did. That's the biggest thing I learned - that no one person is so important that they should have a pass to blow up your life in every way possible, which is what infidelity does. Grace, forgiveness, understanding - all things you can still have, while at the same time recovering and going on with your life. We justify it and normalize it (thank you to the commenter who used that word - perfect!) because we are afraid of change. It's easier to keep the devil we know than to risk getting back out there and risking love again or live life alone. But once you get to the heart of why you drew this person into your life (for me, I think we just grew up broken in the same ways), you can do the work that will prepare you for higher purpose relationships. It is much better to be at that place, and now I am grateful he is gone. Love Esther Perel, she really is a great speaker, but I just can't buy encouraging strong people to stay in broken places and be fixers forever. Better energy spent to fix the world!
In my opinion, infidelity is one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly 'love'. That being said, I found this quite insightful. I think it's an excellent mindset to have if you are struggling with overcoming infidelity and would like to continue the relationship.
I know a couple in my church that are absolutely in love with each other. They have been married over 30+ years. They are like young teens in love with each other. One day I learned that they went through an affair and it rocked they marriage. But, from the lips of the person that was betrayed “My marriage is stronger, better than ever. Relationships, marriage can be better after the storm of an affair”. This is from the person that was betrayed. She’s not saying cheat. She’s saying that a relationship can be renewed and better but it takes work on the part of the cheater and forgiveness from the betrayed. She thanks God for that.
I normally find the comments section on youtube videos quite depressing but the fact that most people here agree that cheating - whatever the reason - is not acceptable does restore some of my faith in humanity. I don't think anyone would dispute there are multiple reasons for cheating but nobody's come up with a good one.
you probably dont care at all but does any of you know of a way to log back into an instagram account? I somehow forgot the login password. I appreciate any tips you can offer me.
@Tristan Milo thanks so much for your reply. I got to the site through google and Im trying it out now. Looks like it's gonna take quite some time so I will reply here later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
When I got married, we agreed to tell the other if we ever felt tempted to cheat. 13 years later I said to him: I'm unhappy. I'm feeling like I want to step out of the marriage to get my needs met". His response? " You gotta do what you gotta do..." It broke my heart. And it was the beginning of the end. If you want a clear conscience, make that rule with your partner.
@@aaronasante586 Both. I hated that I considered cheating and I hated that he didn't care if I did it. But at the end of the day, I'm grateful that we had that honesty between us and we're still friends 7 years later after the divorce and I think that makes a big difference that we didn't betray each other
@@ninjapirate123 Well, he was emotionally abusive, dismissive of my feelings, had no interest in going to therapy to heal his childhood issues, so all that anger spilled onto me and our daughter. He stopped wanting sex...he was drinking to numb out.
"The happy people dont cheat, not necessarily" is interesting. Pretty much every person I know personally whose cheated is pretty unhappy, indenial, and miserable. And every couple I know whose experienced cheating to the extent of affairs and who stayed together still have a lot of hurt and dysfunction decades after it happened. Cheating is traumatic, emotional abuse, and cuts very deep. If you feel like cheating, please just exit the relationship and/or communicate what you want. If you've ever been cheated on please think about yourself and take care of your needs and wants first. Heal as quick as you can and believe in yourself because it's not worth your light being dimmed.
Clearly you haven't understand shit from the video. What about if you communicate what you want and the other person doesn't listen, then cheating is a cry for help. No one talks about long term parallel relationships. Y'all dumb.
lived on an air force base married and got plenty of offers. all of my girlfriends were married and cheating. i never cheated on my husband, i genuinely loved him and he loved me too. when you really love someone you KNOW that cheating would change the relationship for ever. YOU would always know about the lie, the secret betrayal.
calipicard I'm guessing she means she didn't let temptation win bc she was truly in love with him even while being away .loved & loves and will love him. My guess. We will let her answer.
To me, this is simply a discussion that is way overdue. An act so vilified, yet so actively participated in, it's finally time someone REALLY talked about the roots of infidelity rather than passing it off as an act of hedonism. Great interview.
I love her, she dont mess about. Straight talk is sooooo needed in this day and age for relationships. Strength and courage is what couples need to stay together ♥️♥️
Every situation is unique and every person should analyze for themselves what they should do in their relationship. There is so much help for the person that was cheated on, and so little for the cheater. Cheating is never okay, but if you cheated, and you are genuinely sorry, start by forgiving yourself and know that you will undergo a grieving, and renewal process. That is the hardest part. But you need to find healing. I recommend visiting a good psychologist. It’s important to understand what went wrong and try to never do it again. You need to solve that in order to be able to move on with your life. Rely on your friends and loved ones for support. I hope you are all able to find the peace, happiness and hope you desperately need. Praying for all of the broken hearts out there. God bless~
Cheating is an end of the relationship, even if the cheater is forgiven the feeling will never be the same as before. if we break a bottle even if we glue the pieces its not like before .
Right? Wtf is wrong with ppl. Communication is not just a word. Is work and you work for your relationship if you care for it. But ppl don’t like work and the moment their partner becomes too much they cheat to feel better? Bunch of bullshit. This lady has cheated on everyone she’s been with and now is talking about how you need to forgive that little mistake. Bullshit talk
I've been cheated on a few times in my younger years.. I forgave as I didn't want to end the relationship, however, I started being unfaithful to them. Its just not worth it for me. Now that I'm older and I've learned those lessons the hard way, if someone cheats, I'm out. I have better things to do than wonder if they are cheating every time we are apart. I'd much rather be alone than stay with someone who made the decision to cheat no matter the reason. I am at least one of those people who can be happy in a relationship, or alone.
Forgiving infidelity is of a tall order because the psychic effect of infidelity is tremendous... Infidelity creates a domino effect by touching on betrayal, loyalty, honorability and above all TRUST that you have my back, that I am SAFE with you. Without feeling safe, we are unable to create and expand, bringing us to paralysis or neurosis. It is only when we accept that we all are capable of committing the same acts perpetrated by others, that within us exists not only "beauty" but the "beast" as well. And accepting the "beast" within you, brings you to the realization that the biggest shadow is the one you cast yourself... Only through compassion (to feel with) for ourselves and other it is possible.
You are very right after my husband started to cheat me I lost my interest In him he does it always and if I get it i shout and fight always but he never stops it he is a number one cheater but me if I am in love with someone I never get fellings with others but sometimes I need to break up with him because of that I really don't happy for that cheating is disrespectful and unsatisfied .
I have 40 years with my wife. I have adult kids, we have built this for 40 years and I cannot understand how she could jeopardize the 40 years we have together. I will give her one more chance but cannot take this happening again so I hope she thinks about that. I say a chance but this is only 2 months old and I am working hard through it, it is not easy.
Happy people DON'T cheat. Cheating is not just about dishonoring your mate/relationship. It's also you dishonoring yourself. Cheating is nothing more than a person punishing YOU b/c THEY don't have the guts to leave you. Run far away from narcissistic thinking men who try convincing you that betrayal is the only solution to relationship problems. That's the most small minded philosophy anyone can have. People who dishonor themselves are NOT happy people. And if a person has a good relationship, but is unhappy with themselves, it's only a matter of time before the unhappiness within the person sabotages their good mate/relationship. Recognize how major of a red flag it is when someone who says they're unhappy also says their relationship with you is happy. A person's internal unhappiness will eventually always bleed into other parts of their lives; it's just that relationships tend to be the 1st stop for that unhappiness to visit
I think that the conversation in this video has a little bit of a weird twist of justification of cheating. But still a lot of us cant get through the betrayal of a loved one who cheated. So... ? Yeah sure we explain the reason why someone could cheat but it's still a selfish act, and it's not justified on most circumstances.
She even goes so far as to say that even a person who loves you could cheat on you. She couldn't be more wrong about this. Betrayal is about dishonesty and lack of respect. Nobody who loves someone would intentionally lie or manipulate them. It really is a twisted philosophy that keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships.
*Selfish* people cheat. People with integrity don’t sneak around when they’re supposedly in an exclusive relationship. Just because you feel an attraction doesn’t mean that you *act* upon it. Cheating is a *choice.*
Outstanding woman. Fell in love with her mind and her words since her TED talk about infidelity. It is one of the most difficult things to be able to view such delicate subjects with a neutral angle. Yet she manages to do it perfectly and with SUCH grace! Thank you so much for inviting her, Matthew. Really enjoyed the conversation.
Yesss, totally agree! These topics are hard to discuss and think about, but they are vital if you want to understand human beings and why they do what they do.
Lia daniel you are right. The information in this video is more useful for committed relationships. Information Desperately needed!!! Often times the lessons given by most sources end when the couple gets married, and assume couples will live happily ever after. The truth is, guidance is still needed. A 10 year old marriage is super different that the honeymoon period.
I don't agree with you there cause I've been in a relationship for 8 years with the same person and I say if this has happened you're better off without them
I've recently been watching a TON from Esther in a hope to better understand my relationship and find ways for my husband and myself to better communicate. She's amazing.
I usually like Matthew's videos but it is not ok to cheat period. I just got cheated on and found out after we broke up that she cheated on her ex husband a few years before we met. I wouldn't have gotten in a relationship if I knew she cheated before cause when a person cheats it is usually out of selfish tendencies and when someone is selfish it doesn't lead to long, healthy relationships. The time we had together was great but she was definitely wearing a mask a whole time and what I saw after we broke up was her true self.
I think there are two types of cheaters (maybe more). Selfish or weak minded/scared people. I suspect both these types don't have healthy behaviours and not emotionally ready for any relationship. I am sorry to hear you were cheated on but better to find out sooner rather than later. Imagine if you had figured this all out 5 years later!
Single Mother Hustler you speak the truth and I don't believe its very debatable, if you cheat, then goodbye and good luck. Also your name sounds badass.
Absolutely! Second chances just paves the way for them to make you a doormat , and ultimately keep doing the same things because they know you'll keep forgiving them anyway!
People cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, believe that another person can fulfill them or complete them, and when that unrealistic expectation isn’t met they look for it elsewhere/externally. If a person feels complete, whole, and happy within, I promise they won’t cheat. It’s because of the fact that we are all looking externally for happiness that cheating is so common.
I believe people, especially in marriages, should set a precedent of saying I Iove you at least once a day (genuinely). People NEED to hear this. Even if it means swallowing our pride, it CAN be done. And we should place more value & respect on the people around us (including movies), on our spouse, & on ourselves. Love and Trust go hand in hand : )
She is not only lovely to listen to but what she says makes you really stop to think on it. I can't get enough of her podcast and this topic NEEDS to be discussed more. Thank you for sharing it with us, Matthew.
♦️ I feel that if someone gets cheated on (ONCE), the "cheater" should be the one on his/her knees doing everything in their power to make up for their wrongdoing. The CHEATER should be the one regaining that Trust. I don't think the one that was cheated on should be the one to go out of their way to mend the relationship. Good luck on regaining that trust that you broke because trust is crucial in maintaining a relationship. Only a coward or incompetent person doesn't sit down and communicate if they feel their relationship is spiraling. NO ONE IS A MIND READER. Also, if it was about TEMPTATION, get yourself out of that situation and FLEE!!!♦️ 💙(James 4:7) "... resist the devil and he will flee from you..."💙
so true good content! luckily this didn't happen to me as he's amazed by my stamina in bed. i'm just used to using 5 drops of natural sex drops spanish fly and he isn't even thinking of some other girls. simple trick uh? and these aphrodisiacs are really easy to use and available everywhere online
that's really smart, that has to be said.but actually i can't say i have never tried these natural drops spanish fly :-) yeah great results w my darling
That is flat out b/s. Yes, I will “throw away” a relationship - no matter HOW well it went before he cheated on me. It’s not fair to throw it away? Well, guess what! It’s not fair to cheat on me either! If someone cheats on the other one then there is clearly something wrong in the relationship in the first place. She said “maybe the other one tried to say something for a long time” - well he/she shouldn’t have tried but actually should have said clearly what’s bothering them. Once someone cheats on me, I will NEVER be able to trust that person again and I’ll NEVER stay in a relationship in which I can’t trust my partner for 100 %. I might be able to forgive but I’ll never forget. You seek something outside our relationship - fine with me, but then there’s no relationship with me anymore. Period!
To me she’s proposing that couples find an intellectual way of denying the relationship doesn’t work. When someone says it’s easier to leave, I cringe. It’s not easy to leave because you have built so much. You build a family, a life. I’m not saying it’s easy to stay but it is easier when you’re in any situation to maintain it than to start from nothing and build something new. I’m not minimizing what people face in either case, whether they stay or leave. But it’s not true that those who stay are shamed because they stayed. That’s BS. Marriage is still seen as the gold standard in our society, the status quo. Not being single. I’ve been single for 10 years after being married for 17. He cheated and I stayed, forgave. Worked on the relationship for the next 7 years. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Yet because of my single status I’m still being looked at, by both men and women, like there’s something wrong with me. Society as a whole, around the world, still holds married people in high regards. That’s why people stay in wrong, shattered relationships. And they cheat because they know they can get away with it, stay in the marriage and society will praise them for it. They cheat because they can. And that is wrong. No matter how eloquently spoken the excuses are.
Very good insight. I think married people are held in high respect. Single people it kinda looks like you failed. I have seen it in my family. It seems the brothers a d sisters who married were thought if as more traditional , better way to go. The one did not marry seems like you are not doing as well. It even effects how you think of yourself.i guess that is what is most important that you dont take on that view point..>***>>>>
Reisarah Smith well said. Women are penalised for not being married or staying married to a cheat. Women are ostracized if they have sex like men and are expected to suck it up and make themselves “better” if a man cheats. Hec, Dr Laura even blames women for a cheter oartner, asinine. Hold your head up high lady, and ignore society as much as possible bc it is the most miserable of the married people who judge you the harshest. Their fear of leaving, being single results in them pressuring others to do the same and excluding those who break the mold.
I don’t understand why some people cheat on their partner. If you fell out of love to him/her, you should talk and discuss and tell about what you feel. Try to figure out and fix if you want to solve your problem. A couple doesn't do unnecessary things like cheating because at the end of the day you will regret that.
sometimes cheating is the way that you realise things weren't going well in the relationship, often times people are not honest with themselves and then when they end up cheating they realise how broken their relationship was and which of their needs were not being met
You’re both my intellectual crush! I love where do we begin and how to get the guy, and am studying psychology now because of both of you! Love this talk so much, thank you!
I was in a relationship for an year & half..from past 3 months..he's avoiding me..started to lie..hide things..I changed so much for him..whenever I had to choose between him & anything else..I always chose him...but now he chose those friends who came 2 months back into his life..over me...I have always supported him ..stayed with him in all good & bad times..but he left me only..for them..I love him so much ..idk he tells no I still love u..I'm not cheating...or I haven't changed..but he's not the same like he once used to be..he's good only when we get close or smthin...other times he wants his friends..most of them are "girls"..nobody looks good..but he still enjoys..when he's between so many girls...he never spoke to girls coz he was fat & ugly..he transformed to propose me & get into relationship..I loved that fat ugly guy..whose feelings were true...not this hunk..who now wants to play around..I miss him ..I miss our true love...I miss myself..I'm really broken ..very badly..idk what was my fault in all this..y did he do this..I just don't know.💔
When you worry about him liking his friends more than you, you give him reason to think that his friends are better than you. You should boost yourself up and tell yourself every day that you're going to show him why he should want to spend all kinds of time with you, and if he doesn't, it's his loss. Another thing to watch out for is the difference between expectations and demands. If you expect him to spend time with you and he disappoints you, and he doesn't care that you're disappointed, it's a sign to move on. But if you demand he spend time with you and you get angry or disappointed with him when he wants to do other things, then you need to fix that problem on your side. You should be busy maintaining other friendships and social engagements just like him-- those are good things. Telling someone to spend more time with you will not make them like you more. You have to court(date/woo/seduce) them again. Good luck~
Fantastic Fantastic Fantastic interview clip. Unless you've ever dealt with infidelity, you don't understand. Esther has in my humble opinion the most honest and straight forward outlook on marriage, preservation and survival. Thank you Matthew Hussey for sharing this.
If a person cheats on their spouse, I seriously doubt all other aspects of their relationship are fine and good. I believe that cheating shows disrespect and emotional disconnection from their partner. If the cheater is looking for their partner to “ fight for them” then I say BS on that. The cheater needs to fight for their own happiness and get some counseling or move out and on with their life because what they need is not being met in this relationship.
I know what you mean about the intellectual crush ,what a mind she has! It must have been a great honour for you to have a conversation with Esther, you lucky man, and I love how blunt she is "you wanted attention, ..you got it" haha! I was kind of sceptical of her perspective on cheating at first, but I really think she has a point. It's easy to say "If they cheat, i'm out" but sometimes the situation is more complicated than that. Furthermore,I love how she takes a different approach to cheating. Rather than a typical (understandably) explosive reaction, it's thoughtful and more of a "The damage has been done, but look at all the good things we have." In a way it could be compared to owning a dilapidated building... yeah there might be a few rooms that need fixing , but does that really mean you should sell up? Would you actually profit from doing so, or if you took the time to fix the rooms would you be in possession of something more beautiful than you imagined? It's definitely a case-by-case situation, but incredibly interesting. Thank you ,Matthew, for sharing.
I really admire this woman and her attitude on relationships. I agree with her in many things..Have listened her in many shows, she intrigues me. Still I don´t think I could ever and didn´t even want to forgive cheating!
I refuse to believe that if someone "loves" you they will cheat, and you're supposed to just shake it off and get through it. People don't just do one thing once, especially cheating. It's a flawed character thing. Cheating is a conscious choice. Stop thinking it's an "accident". I'll have to pass on her "insight". Not everyone wants to settle.
Maybe because I have never done it, I can't understand the reasons why people allow themselves to cheat. I think that love is more than satisfying your own needs, love is loyal and unselfish. Also the wound of an infidelity it's very difficult to heal. I can be wrong, but that's who I see it.
"Don't judge the entire relationship by the affair. That is unfair to the marriage and relationship" That's why second chances or even more occur or being given. This conversation was really big and absolutely interesting. Thanks for sharing this Matthew! :)
*That comment is bogus af. *I think people need to become blunt cold towards one another if cheating occurs within a relationship. If a significant other cheats: don’t consider your time together, look forward to a future that doesn’t include them. Forgive them, wish them well and move on remembering the good times you shared with them. Never confront them, show emotion or hurt because it’s only an ego stroke for the cheater. Leave from their presence and conduct yourself like you never knew them. I promise it’s easier done than said*
@@standground7956I agree, let them come back and they’ll continually disrespect you and your relationship. It’s not worth giving up your own self worth to try and make things work and you’ll only end up feeling worse than before.
When you don’t forgive you can’t move past what damage was done. Sure you forgive them once and that trust will NEVER be there. Isn’t that unfair to both partners even if the cheating partner isn’t cheating anymore but still getting accused of it, bc the other partner is broken. Once something is broken it’s almost impossible to put the pieces back together.
I really love when people are so confident in their hypothetical moral compass that they can't empathize with situations that are not black and white. She's not saying that infidelity should be forgiven or forgotten, in fact she's arguing the opposite, that it is something that will shape the rest fo the relationship. But she's also right in that the lifetime of shared experiences can't be nullified by the act fo cheating. If leaving the person is so easy like you just slap your hands and walk out, then was the relationship really worthwhile to begin with, and is the termination of your relationship really just contingent on a contract of monogamy? Regardless, here she is talking about relationships that can and potentially should be salvaged from the aftermath of such an incident, and in every relationship the terms and conditions are different. Like, do you have children together, do you share finances, do you have so much life together that it is impractical to capsize everything, do you still very much love one another? Like who the fuck knows but the two people involved in the actual situation. To think that you can essentialize the rules of relationships as moral absolutes of, oh if they cheat you are out or you're not in your right mind, lacks nuance and thought, and is frankly just unnecessarily self righteous. If you were faced with that situation, wouldn't you feel better if the world didn't look upon your choices, whether that be to separate or stay together, with so much judgment?
So, guessing you've cheated then and not wanted any judgement? There is truth in what you say, but simply put, one could just all out lose respect for a liar and a cheat and just never feel the same about them again, and that's okay. If the respect goes it's not worth being in a relationship. Nothing is black and white but everyone should have a line that if crossed, it's game over, regardless of what that line is.
You talk as if cheating was some kind of casual mistake. Cheating can compromise the victim's well being. You want me to spell it out for you? Emotional/psychological trauma and std. Let me ask you this; would you stay with someone who beats your mother, steals from or casually lies to your face? They claim to love you. Wouldn't leaving them mean you didn't love them at all? One more thing, leaving the betrayer doesn't mean you stop loving them. It's called getting over (smothering/killing) the love. Learn to wipe your own ass, you're an adult
Right?! Well said. You can tell how healed & emotionally mature someone is by whether they address cheating as a completely black & white (“all or nothing”) issue. Relationships (& humans) are incredibly complex. No two are the same...
@@nursekillm I’ve never heard anyone say cheating is a black or white issue or course it’s complex. Just curious: Do you think cheaters deserve a second chance?
She always poses a question like “is the entire relationship worth throwing out over a single infidelity?” Uhh hell bitch fuck yea, I didn’t sign up for an open relationship, and as much as it might be a cry for help/attention, there are some things I cannot forgive. Rewarding cheating by forgiving is tacit approval for them to do it again. So yes I’m gone ✌🏾
spot on. sometimes you actually realize that the other person is not as fantastic as yours, and still i wonder why i am tempted. apparently it wasn't my partner, it was all my own self.
I agree. No use staying with someone who compromised your relationship built on trust and time just for the sake of a few minutes of pleasure . Utterly disgusting. Your mental health is more important than someone who hurt you and put you in pain .
I recently am trying to figure out how to forgive myself from cheating. It was with a stranger, a sext. One time thing but it was a huge mistake. I feel so confused and lost. I didn’t think I could do this. I feel frustrated because my partner would dismiss me to concerns and problems I had prior to the cheating. I felt alone and a large sense of hesitancy from him. And now I have to face that even more since I hurt him. I’ve been cheated on and it hurts so much knowing I’ve caused this pain to someone I just wanted to love and be loved. I had forgiven my past partners but I don’t know if my current partner can do that for me. I feel awful and learning how to forgive myself so I don’t continue hurting others. It’s so lonely, because I can only blame myself. Things are never in black and white, thank you for sharing the nuances of it all.
Wow! Two of my faves in one place! I am kinda bummed that she didn't say what I've heard her say before - the real reason why people cheat. (Versus just dealing with the aftermath.) What keeps us focused on that "one" is desire for them. We can love someone, but it doesn't equal passion or desire. In a study she performed, people were asked about what attracted them to their partner - what made them want only them. And time and again, it was the same. People were most attracted to their partner when they saw them as an individual in their element. Whether they're on stage doing a gig or making a cashier laugh - it's them emanating some radiant energy, and getting a positive reaction from the world around them. The takeaway? Sure, some people are just thoughtless and cheating out of insecurity or resentment. But, within the realm of "happy" relaches, I think we lose often lose our partners when we lose ourselves. We lose them the moment we get too lost in either them or responsibilities (or both) to cultivate that radiant side of ourselves anymore. And why would we expect them to stay attracted after that? When they fell in love with us - and we're not even that person anymore? Anyway, good stuff, Matt. May we see more of the hour long interview?
My favorite quote and line of advice is the attitude you bring when stepping into a relationship. "ONE MUST HAVE THE 'I WANT TO' ATTITUDE, NOT THE 'I HAVE TO' ATTITUDE. tDe
Might as well anticipate it happening. So you don't let absolutely anybody have that much control over you. Rather than putting your heart in the complete open, having complete faith in your SO to not hurt you, even if it is someone you're in love with. You can 't control anybody or anything that they do unfortunately, everybody does what they want ultimately. So I always have this mindset because honestly, I don't trust anybody 100% But hey, thats just me
People who dont value relationships cheat, and if you dont value relationships then you shouldnt be in one. Stay single. Cheaters are weak in integrity and character. Unable to have healthy relationships.
Looks like 90 percent of the comments are against this idea. I feel like I am too but I've never been married. With dating it might be different. I can't fully trust someone who has cheated on me and trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. Its just how I am.
It feels like a lot of the commenters on here either didn’t watch the whole video, or they didn’t hear Esther’s words. Life is not black and white, the older you get the more you realise this. No person is perfect. People make mistakes. You might be throwing away a good person and not growing yourself if you dump or divorce someone for cheating without trying to repair the relationship. You need to look at yourself and why the relationship may not have been working as good as it could be. Are you loving enough? Do you listen? Do you value yourself and take care of yourself? Are you kind? Like I said, it’s not black and white. Good wishes people
If you cheat, you’re not a good person. Also, you’ve only listed questions that would be for the person who was cheated on, as if they’re the problem and they need to figure out why they were cheated on. But the reality is that the cheater is the problem. Regardless of their “reasons” they chose to cheat. They’re the ones at fault. They’re the problem.
Or maybe you are just codependent to that person financially, emotionally or physically (Just saying) Myself love is always louder no matter who is your partner. People loses more significant things during their lives and a relationship is not big deal. Of course a talk is needed before making a decision but it doesn´t mean you can´t find better thing out there. Why working so hard to fix something broken so easly? People is not perfect thats a universal truth but people should have standards abour what is tolerable what is not. Most people who forgives an affair does it because they have kids or financial responsabilities together but not because they really mean it and its partially sad that outsider factor affects you choices over what heals you or makes you feel better.
"You wanted a woman who fights for you? You got her." I think a man that want a woman to fight for him is probably 2 things: (a) he is insecure to the point to create drama and risking breaking his family just to see if his partner fights. (b) he is someone that cannot be respected and he would get that from me.
It's incredibly difficult to forgive someone that cheats on you. She says that this one mistake should not erase years of hard work but after adultery the trust is eliminated and fear, anger, and resentment are in the air and its so hard to go back to how it was before they cheated.
it makes out it is the other persons responsibility for the cheaters lack of the same. A cheater is not just having sex, they are wreaking homes, destroying childrens lives, likely creating financial ruin, and likely agreeing to do the same to both peoples lives. It is an extremely selfish act with many victims and serious consequences. i detest such justifications and challenge anyones intelligence when they proclaim, "It is just sex."
I'm sorry, but why should I as a Woman fight for the relationship when he fucked up? I mean, if there is a problem in communication etc..he should be the one fighting for us. I don't like the fact, that the Woman has to accept a subordinate role in order to make the relationship work again. It will only work, if BOTH are willing to work on themselfs and the relationships.
"Love my partner very much, I am having an affaire" Euhh.... no!! Just no!! You can not hurt the person you deeply love, so either they have a flawed definition of love or they simply loe to you about loving them. Love and deceit do not collaborate. Truth!
It’s not the cheating per se. That’s bad, but it’s the lying and the betrayal of trust that destroys the relationship. How can you, or why would you, if you have any self respect continue on with somebody you know cannot be trusted regardless of how many good things they have done right previously?
I dont understand this video and the logic of her mentality. Isnt cheating just basically about weakness, unsatisfaction and unfulfilment and emptiness? Instead of just leaving the relationsship or work through the relationsship you choose to cheat because either you are bored, unsatisfied, weak in the sense of just telling the other person how you truly feel avout them and the relationsship . I just think its weakness and unfulfilment. I think its because we want people to complete us, which they werent created to do. so instead of finding a steady foundation In life outside of a person , no matter the life-situation and State of mind. people try to find their source in people and when that fails, they cheat because they are unfulfilled. No happy or “satisfied” person would do that its not logic , so Im not buying her message. Sorry.
I agreed with your thoughts. But what I got out of the video is that there’s another aspect to analyze. Using your thoughts as an example to look at it from another perspective, I think in some cases people are left to cheat. The person they love may have caused the weakness and the unfulfilled feelings in them, assuming that they relied on the other person to complete them, and not knowing any better to just be whole as an individual. However, I believe this is what she is referring to, she’s not saying cheating is right but believes in leaving it up to the person being cheated on to evaluate the situation rationally and realistically then deciding if the relationship is worth fighting for or to leave without forgetting to acknowledge their part in what happened. Yes, the person cheating could have spoke up and left but that might be a question of emotional maturity, a lot of people are not rational thinkers and think out of impulse, something that’s common in human nature. I sure there are cheaters who though of themselves as decent human beings that never imagined they would have had an affair, and now hate knowing living with the fact that they’ve lost it all.
@Tani_Leo she meant they can cheat even if happy with their relationship. I would agree with u it's because they're bottomline unfulfilled, even in that case. Or they're a freak lol
Betrayal, lies, disrespect, are never ok! Treating your partner this way will never be ok in a relationship. I would lose respect for myself if I stayed and pretended cheating was forgivable. It's the worst hurt of any. Had it happen in a marriage and a dating relationship of 11 years. Now I feel I can't trust. I would never be unfaithful to a partner that I loved.
It’s just commitment and how much your committed to that person and how much both of you are determined with each other. It makes me mad when in a relationship someone cheats and they still stay together. Believe that you deserve better for the love of god.
Francois-Marie Arouet you are over complicating things. If a wife goes sexless it’s because she’s getting better satisfaction elsewhere and her husband is garbage.
Yes, she has a point. Agreed. The end point "affair" shouldn't represent all of the relationship after so much time, so much invested, so much familiarity with someone, say in a marriage of many years. But, sometimes the "affair" is precisely the piece that helps wake up the relevant parties to identify the underlying "what" is going on. Not pretty, for sure. Not something to sneeze at but it can be the piece that helps one decide to wake up in the Matrix and realize you do in fact want to swallow the red pill and be present in your own life, become aware, in spite of the pain of living in reality and the consequences of living thereof.
I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated on... by my ex husband, with both men and women. I was at risk for HIV/AIDS, by staying in the relationship and my validation with that happened when he continued to cheat on me after I discovered the same sex affair, and he admitted he was still talking to him... while we were wasting our time in counseling!!! It was a five month long ordeal, and I wasn’t quick on my feet to end it because we had a child together. This broke me, forever.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with now. Husband is cheating but we have a life that’s hard to walk away from because as Ester said life is complicated with many facets. But at the same time he’s still cheating and having his cake and eating it too.
Staying in a marriage and staying in a relationship are two very different things. The former may be done out of necessity, while the latter is a choice. I can understand someone staying married for the kids or due to lack of financial independence, but I cannot understand that person trying to rekindle an emotional, intimate, romantic relationship with the cheater. Also, cheating is an act of hatred. Why try to love someone who hates you so much that they physically went out of their way to prove it?
Hmmm, I was cheated on. Was in a 14 yr relationship. I understand her ideas but the truth of it for me was that even if I forgive, I would never forget. And once trust is broken the relationship is too. I couldn’t continue in a relationship that contained a partner who lied, cheated and disrespected me and our relationship. I valued myself too much to stay with a person like that, and my self worth and self esteem was too valuable to waste on someone who didn’t deserve it.
Reduce your need to "trust".
Agreed!
@@humanyoda why should she?
No one has to stay. We don't have forced marriages.
Cheating is a choice, you do it because you want to.
You do it while knowing it will harm another person and you don't care. You don't mind that they're going to be hurt, that you're breaking your promises and that you're putting everything that you've built thogether at risk. You don't care because you're only thinking about fullfiling your current desires. You're only thinking about yourself.
Still having someone else should be view as acceptable? And people shouldn't have the need to trust?!
What is a relationship without trust? If you were betrayed ofc you don't trust that person. Why should you?
I wouldn't stay either. I'd rather be alone than with someone that does not care for my feelings or wellbeing at all. I also like to be happy and to not be constanly guessing if the person was really telling the truth or was just getting out to cheat again.
The trust issues usually date back to childhood. Though love is unconditional, so we will never have a sustainable relationship if we can't forgive the mistakes of others. If people are over and over again making the same mistakes and letting us down, this is different.
If people have cheated and hurt us a lot, if they're sorry and they will never do it again, then it's up to you if you give it another chance. A strong soul connection cannot be broken though... ever. Love doesn't just disappear, the heart becomes guarded, it's our job to be vulnerable enough to let that guard down again. If you can't trust someone that has hurt you again and your intuition screams at you, then you always go with your gut.
But if all men cheat, why leave? It's like the grass isn't greener on the other side. Unless you prefer to die alone.
I think it takes a massive amount of strength to stay in a relationship after cheating is involved. I couldn't do it. Tried for a year of marriage counselling but the more i stayed the less respect i had for myself. I felt responsible for breaking up my family even though i wasn't the one who cheated. What eventually made me leave was my own daughter saying why are you so unhappy now mummy. Broke my heart. Thankfully 5 yrs on and me and my girls are very happy. We have a close bond and life is good 🥰
Good on you for trying forgiveness. Most people won’t try for their family but you did. You should always hold your head high for fighting for your girls. I’m still fighting my internal battle after it happened just under 2 years ago. You are right…it is VERY hard and I even have a spouse who is now doing everything right….putting in the work to repair the marriage and who is extremely regretful and remorseful. It…is….hard. However, seeing my babies happiness keeps me going. The hardest part is feeling alone in my internal pain and suffering but that would still be there even if I divorced. It would just open up new pain and feelings of regret. Maybe it’s true that people like me lack some self worth but also, like you, we are a hell of a lot tougher than most and are willing to go through personal suffering, shame, and pain for our families. God bless you.
I totally understand this.
I relate to you in some ways. I discovered that my lover has been cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship with multiple women. I tried to stay, but I just can't. The thought of him cheating on me again was always haunting me. We had a conversation how I'm fearful of him doing it again. He said he stopped..but I caught him asking about his side chicks whereabouts and I just dropped it.
@angrybeing4921 Good for you. I always love the quote.. pay attention to how they make you feel, over how you feel about them! Regardless of how much you like them, if they are making you feel unhappy, it's not worth it. We are worth so much more. xx
Staying is what's weak. You did the hard thing. You're strong.
As a fellow psychologist, l would say we need to have a nuanced view on this. It depends on who you are, your standards and dealbreakers. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. The person l once knew is no longer there. I could never continue.
Yes! Cheating in a relationship is the ultimate betrayal. It hurts like hell, the person who cheated portrayed themselves as a loyal person who wanted to be loyal to you and you alone then the person who was cheated on trusted, and believed this other person truly loved them and would never hurt them then BOOM! true colors show and then you realize they are liars, and not ever who they portrayed themselves to be.
I continued dating him after he cheated and it became like a “cancer” to our relationship. Cheating didnt break us up, I ended up losing my attraction to him, and lost my respect for him and thats ACTUALLY why I decided to leave him.
Honestly Id rather move on with someone new if it's a boyfriend that cheats 100%. If we married and we had kids I might try and make that work. Just ONE TIME only. he's got ONE SHOT to not betray me again.
That betrayal I'd too much. It was a vow taken in marriage. It might as well have been written in water for my ex wife.
The pain still creeps on me a year later.
I've had so many hotter girls throw themselves at me.... I said nah I couldn't do that to my wife. My moral compass won't allow it.
I cheated. I’m a female. I never in my life thought I would cheat.
My husband is addicted to porn. He never wants to have sex with me. I am always the one to initiate. I tried to talk with him for years about getting help. Tried to fix our marriage. Went to counseling. I started to fantasize about other men and was completely honest about the fantasies. He still was cold to my needs of affection because he was already getting fulfilled elsewhere by multiple women in a screen.
It saying it’s right but I cheated. It only got as far as a kiss. But it was still cheating. Not saying it was right but when someone is not getting what they need they will go elsewhere.
We have went to counseling. And before we went I had tried everything they said to try in our marriage. He is really damaged from childhood and shuts down anytime I bring up something that bothers me. And then he will ignore me for days and turn to porn. It’s a cycle that has been going on for 5 years.
I am very healthy and men look at me all the time. But my husband never tells me I’m beautiful.
He is constantly looking at other women in front of me so I know he has a sex drive. Oh for got to mention that he loses his boner and if he has one it is soft/not fully erect Either from the porn or his mental state of how he feels about me.
He’s gone to the doctor and everything is all good!!
He recently got some blue chew pills(viagra type) and used them by himself!!!! I feel like he is. It attracted to me from the lack of hardness It is an awful feeling But I do still try even though he does not in multiple aspects of our marriage.
Again I’m not saying it was right for me to cheat but with the lack of affection and not trying on his part has made my self esteem not existent to the point I cheated.
Being cheated on broke my spirit and made me forget who I was.
It rendered me useless, hopeless and everything less, if I remember my sacrifices for my husband. He's been cheating with different different women for the past 13 years 😢😢😢sad and he still says he loves me 😢
You will ascend beyond this bro, i have been there and i promise if you work at yourself emotionally, you will never stay in that place
This- he didn’t even actually cheat, he just went behind my back to watch p*rn and thirst traps… this still was enough to make me forget who I was too… moved to Cali and found myself again tho 🎉
"You wanted a woman who fights for you? You got her." That part gave me chills! The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If the person is angry, that could potentially mean they still care... a lot. What you do with that anger is what matters. Awesome video!
But don't you think everybody would be angry once they know they have been cheated on?
@@sarachinisaz1398 Some shut down, ignore and avoid the other and quickly divorce, so i guess angry woman going to therapy with cheating husband is some sort of fighting. I would personally not want to see that man ever again.
so well said !
It gave me chills too. I don't think many people understand how profound that is.
@@christophercarmonachriz Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
To me it's pretty simple. I'm not going to reward disloyalty...with loyalty.
Its kinda how I feel about it too. Context matters so much...but nobody can reward disloyalty. So often it breaks the relationship on so many levels that there is anyways not much to do. At least if it is considered as betrayal by one. Who likes to get back stabbed anyways...
Inge G. Wow :)
Agreed
Facts
Oversimplifying doesn't make you a complex person. Good luck with that
"When you are attracted by the gaze of a person [other than your partner], it doesn't mean you want to leave the person you're with, it is because you want to leave the person you yourself have become." - Esther Perel
Jek Saak we all get that. But not ok to act on it
@@mandyjames8211 If you've ever heard Esther say this quote in an interview you would realize it's not a justification for cheating in her mind. It's more of an explanation of why people cheat and she does expect the cheater to own their decision. The time I heard her say it, she was describing how cheaters try to blame their partners by saying "you made me do it" because of some perceived slight. She clearly rejects that argument and puts the blame on the cheater.
@@mandyjames8211 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
@@darinvee4980 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
Jesus..this HIT HARD. She is the BEST
As a guy that has been cheated on I can say Esther Perel has provided some amazing insight. I still think it's much more simpler then how people define it. Really when someone is open to make a connection to someone else, for whatever reason they expose themselves to the possibility of cheating. Cheating can be a flirt, emoji, a hug etc. Ultimately the person that's open to a connection has to make a choice to stop themselves from anything going further in whatever manner would cause you to progress in physical and emotional state. It's not the person being betrayed that is lacking anything EVER. Treating people and yourself with respect by walking away or at least say hey lets go to counseling. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Cheating is not just about sex, it takes a lot of irresponsiblity and ignorance to cheat. Like putting your partner at a risk of an STD, completely disregarding their feelings and emotions, lying, putting yourself first, not thinking about the consequences. Of course you lose respect for the whole person. Saying "it's just sex" sounds like a coping mechanism for someone who is too afraid to leave.
littlesometin my ex cheated on me and got an std.. he blamed me for him an std but he caught it with the female he cheated on with me
littlesometin he wanted me back after everything but I couldn’t trust him and moved on from him
@@ebonybeckwith1419 truth
Or saying ”it is just an entanglement or lost in a journey in order to explore myself” sounds also load of crap too.
See Will Smith/Jade experience
So you mean when you cheat you are scared to leave always?
When she says its unfair to the relationship to end it after everything you have been through, I remembered that it was exactly what i thought when my ex cheated. I felt that she had made the decision for me to end it. Like i had no choice.
She ended the relationship with her action i just said the words.
I felt a disgust so horrible, its the worst thing i have ever gone through.
💯💯💯
Exactly. I always say I didn’t kick him out of the house, he did it when he decided to disrespect me and the kids, I just said it out loud. Not even friends now, I choose wisely my friends, they need to have values, he doesn’t, he disgusts me.
You missed the entire point of what she said.
@@blesstalks yeah so? She cheated. And OP wasn't weak and pathetic so that he would stay with her.
THANK YOU
I did exactly what she is saying about not ending the relationship bcz of all the other good part of my marriage. 5 years later my ex was just waiting to leave, mean while he planned the divorce for those 5 years. He almost left me in the street and he got engaged to the woman he was having 5 years b4. My daughter was only 8 month old when I found out he was sleeping with a friend. In 2015 I finally had enough and today I am still dealing with the divorce. A friend once said, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. A man can become a monster once they meet another woman.
He was a top tier asshole. Let someone bigger deal with him. I am so sorry, and I don't think your effort to try was in vain. It sounds like you left before the situation got too unhealthy. There's still the love inside of us and no one can take that away!
What a shithead he was . I hope you and your daughter are happy and doing fine now .
She never said to forgive someone who has a parallel relationship to you. She is talking about one time thing and the possibility of this being a cry for help. Your case with what she is saying is completely different.
Again,NEVER stay with a cheater. They’re just not truly happy in their relationship.
Oh man, I cried! My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, but I decided to give him a second chance because I didn't want that stupid thing ruined what we'd created before. It hurts to grow, it's true, and his cheating still hurts. Sometimes I remember all that and I start crying, I know he is kinda tired about seeing me crying, but well, those tears are his fault, and he knows.
After the cheating, I changed. Now I'm more anxious and insecure. I was very happy, I felt beautiful and powerful. It's impressive how a single action made by someone you really love and trust on can change your hole life and the perception you have about it
M NC I wish you the best. I’m sorry this happened to you.
You deserve better darling. I hope you find your happiness again, you are beautiful x
Yea girl cried like a baby all day long .. I’m sorry
I hope you are doing well now. Sending you all of the strength and positivity.
Hopefully you left his ass eventually TF
If a woman cheated on me, it is over. I don't care for her reason. I might forgive her, but I am moving on. I would expect her to do the same if I cheated. I don't care how much I want her to stick around, I don't care how much I love her or how much she loves me. A person should have their principles, their values, their pride, and one should not expect that person to overlook this enormous transgression.
I have had a friend who was like a brother to me. I went to his mother's funeral. I would do anything for the dude. But he took advantage of me. He was a pathological liar. He ended up being shady and could not be trusted. I had to let him go. I loved the guy, he was like family, and nothing will erase the good times, but the bond was broken.
The same goes for cheaters. I don't care for your reason. Whether it is because you want attention, because you seek satisfaction elsewhere, or because you had a lapse in judgment or willpower. Bottom line, cheating 99% of time is due to poor communication and putting your own needs above your partners. If you need something that you aren't getting within the relationship and you can't let it go, then you need to break it off.
sharpnickelz~Agreed.💯💯💯 I feel the same way.
I know that it can force growth, discovery, to face harsh truths, just as any other tragedy, just as any other intense pain can force us to transmute it into something we can learn from. However, as much as I believe that we as people should dissolve the ego by shining light on it, the betrayal is one that shakes the trust of a relationship to its very foundations. How can one feel that he or she is able to satisfy their partner, how can it not bring rise to insecurity, to become estranged, breaking the connection that was created through being vulnerable and putting your heart on the line? To me, a large part of love is self-sacrifice. It isn't always about happiness, about yearning, or desire. It is about surrender. It is about severing a part of your self to make room for half of the other. When that other half seeks completion elsewhere, it leaves the rest rent asunder. And then, if one wants to put it back together, it may not fit exactly the same.
Perhaps the bond can be made stronger if both halves work at it, or perhaps it leaves cracks in the design, where the pieces could just as easily fall apart again...
And although Perel argues that there are a number of other things that can cause these cracks, like resentment, violence, apathy, and neglect, I would argue that nothing is more outright emotionally damaging than infidelity, besides perhaps domestic abuse.
sharpnickelz Very well put. Most people who stay and try to "rebuild" the relationship are codependent on the partner physically, emotionally, economically.
I couldn't agree more! I would walk away on the spot if my partner cheated on me, because I would NEVER trust him again. Ever. I would forgive him, but never have trust in him. If you're happy with someone, if you truly love someone you don't cheat. If you know your partner doesn't accept cheating and you want something else, you leave and live out your single-life. That's how I see it.
Thats my thoughts exactly.
One of the biggest lessons I learned recently about relationships is that an outside relationship is as good as the one we have with ourselves.
People in the comments are PERFECTLY proving her point when she said staying is the new shaming.
Ohh amen sistet
Yes girl it’s easy to say , let him go etc move on bla bla but I think and I really believe it’s not that simple
Thank you so much for this. I am going through a lot of struggle right now, but I am happy you also got her point the same way I did.
@ron webber I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to claim whether something is right or wrong, no matter the decision you make.
However I think it’s a bit more complicated. My first reaction to be cheated on? Fuck you. My second reaction, I want to understand why. Tell me. Explain yourself.
My third reaction? Does she understand what it causes? Does she understand what it cost? And if you just slightly think, okay there is a context to it, she was selfish, there is no excuse in that sense, but I got my closure now. From there in it is for me to decide if I want to stay in this relationship and forgive.
I will never forget, I don’t want this to happen again, but just leaving the current relationship and going into another, doesn’t protect you from it not happening again.
There is no recipe. It’s a long process to cheat on someone, after you have been with a person for such a long time, but there is love and love is not only a chemical thing, it’s also a process of maturing and being able to communicate.
If you ever feel that way again, please talk to me. I want to understand.
Maybe its a shame,maybe its self respect.
But after watching her ted talk,I know for sure she like catchphrases.
Its like watching captain america in avengers
I am in a very happy relationship for 6 years and I agree with her. I have never cheated on my partner but thought of it did cross my mind when i had a work crush. We will always be attracted to another person no matter how much we love our partner. That is why cheating is a choice. We can think about it, its reality, but we should never do it and to put an effort to avoid being close to the person you are attracted to. Being in a happy relationship does makes you think twice about cheating compared to being in an unhappy one.
**Had to edit because we change after 3 years bu the comments keep coming 😂
I’ve been attracted to others but never considered cheating. Why do you think you have “always” had the thought come to mind?
So why cheat when you can just break up with that person an be a hoe
so she proably also thought about cheating with other dudes? you think of cheating of her?and that too all the time? why ? why do you always feel like cheating on your partner?
@@subhabaskaran1849 as a man I can tell you why I would cheat - because I get bored with the same person. I wish that wasn’t the case, but biologically, my body loses the drive over time.
But I don’t cheat because I have morals, and don’t want to hurt my partner. So we usually just break up.
@@atlantean1209 this is the realist comment EVER!
Loyalty all the way. It's about respect for the other half. Respect, love, communication. If you are in a relationship where loyalty is key, cheating will destroy that relationship. I would never trust my partner ever again if he cheated - as simple as that. Therefore communication is important - talk to each other, get to know each others values in life, your goals, your thoughts on relationships, your hopes in the future. What do you want? Do you want a monogamous relationship? Open relationship? Something else? Find someone who wants what you want; someone with similar goals and values. And keep communicating ALL THE TIME, and TRY to make yourselves better ALL THE TIME. Keep the passion going, try to make things exciting and fun. Never stop doing that! AND the most important thing, stick to your values and promises. If you say you're against cheating, don't cheat. We're only human, but at least respect your other half. Leave if you want something else in life. Spare your partner the pain.
Define: cheating
Kristina Sandnes a
It's not that simple
@Maria Athena What they just described isn't simple. Relationships are hard work. All those things they mention are part of compatibility. You for sure need compatibility in a relationship. If you don't align with all the things they mentioned in a relationship it will fall apart. Compatibility should be the first thing you check for before starting a relationship. Not love but compatibility.
@@alices8660 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
To everyone here who (I feel) is putting out some quite black and white statements, I think it's smart to take into consideration the kinds of relationships she's talking about. I don't think she's referring to new relationships in which one of the partners has been pretty much cheating from the get go or where there is not a very serious foundation yet. I'm under the impression that she is rather talking about relationships of years, marriages that have withstood many a test, in her own words 'entire lives' built up together. I understand that in those situations, simply walking away as soon as someone has cheated might not be as straightforward and could even be somewhat premature.
Relationships are rarely as simple as a black and white statement.
100% !
This Hobbit's Adventure I agree
So 💯 with you on that
Smart 👍🏻
That's why u don't cheat after being in a relationship for years.
Cheated on me? There’s the door, baby. You broke my trust, you destroyed my feelings and no matter how much we have accomplished together, my self love will speak louder and who can guarantee you won’t do this again. No hon, not with me.
While I agree that you stay and work through the challenges in a relationship with depth, intimacy is one thing that is supposed to be sacred with a partner, and there must be strict boundaries. Cheating is a deal breaker, no exceptions.
Andrew Vo intimacy is absolutely sacred. Beautiful x
Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
@Hillary Magee Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
@@mandyjames8211 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
@Hillary Magee as it should.
Esther is incredible. She's fierce in standing behind a rarely spoken perspective. As all advices is doesn't work in all circumstances but it's not a position to be ignored. I'm always in awe listening to this woman! I was ecstatic to see her on your channel!!!
I love watching your videos Matthew! but I was in a relationship a couple months ago with a girl who cheated on me with her ex. It was hard, but crazy enough I eventually forgave her, until a couple months later when she cheated on me again. That's when I knew she truly didn't love me. I believe if you truly love someone, you have no desire to be with anyone else, and if you do get those sexual urges or thoughts for another person you just push those thoughts out, and avoid being in situations where the temptation to cheat is very high. Both my grandparents have been married for over 50 years and have stayed loyal. If they can be loyal for that long I know I can and I'm only going to look for someone who can do the same.
Kaden, I couldn't agree with you more. My grandparents also valued faithfulness, honesty, honor, integrity, and trust. They had a duty to one another and the marriage and worked to keep their love and passion going. Love takes work! It isn't just some magical force that either is or isn't. People get too hung up on chemistry and "sparks" these days. Granted, it takes this chemistry to build the initial attraction, but all love and passion ebbs and goes from a roaring fire to a steady flame. It is that steadfast resolution, that determination, that makes true love so strong.
Perhaps that is why the divorce rate is so high these days? Perhaps women are more apt to look for something "more", always looking for that new flame rather than tending the fire in the hearth at home.
I agree - when i've been in love i've had no desire whatsoever to flirt with anyone else or have sex with anyone else, the chemicals in me that would have made it possible just arent there any more. its not love if theyre cheating.
I believe, and I would like to hear your opinion as well on this, that back in the day of our grandparents, cheating was harder to occur. Dating apps, the internet, social media etc... Did not exist and those increase the risk of cheating. Also, if your grandparents were living in a rural area, that makes it harder to cheat because the population is usually smaller than urban areas. Lastly, in today's world, we are so open about sex which I think influences a lot of people to mess around or experiment.
My grandparents lived in the city and then moved to the 'burbs. They didn't live in a rural area. They also have quite a few couples as friends, ones they knew from around the neighborhood and also ones they met regularly when they went camping. They were also raised to be very traditional and put family above all else. My grandfather was very stoic, so he handled things very fair and even. He stood up for himself, but he let my grandmother, who was very strong-willed, have her say and to have some control too. They just worked very well together.
Of course, I don't know about their sex life as that is something a grandson doesn't think about. haha! Could have been vanilla, could have been non-existent. All I know is that before my grandfather passed he had dementia and my grandmother was there for him until the day of his death. After he died she was devastated and lived the rest of her days, several years actually, in a state of depression. She loved him so deeply, it was like literally losing a part of herself when he passed...
...and to think, she didn't even like him when they first met. She had many suitors. BUT, my grandfather was persistent. He saw her at a few dances and each time he asked her out. Finally, she gave in and then fell madly in love.
Persistence like that would be considered creepy and stalkerish these days. Back then, apparently that sort of determination was considered endearing.
luckydude x i think its more that we've moved on as a society and its not so socially debilitating if you're found out as it would have been decades ago. Also women have been allowed some independance and no longer have to put up with it because they've got jobs and their own houses as opposed to decades ago when women had to marry or would be with her parents for ever!
Like Ester said, is important to understand, when you choose to be in a relationship with a person, there are still chances they will do stupid things. And it is up to everyone involved in the relationship (mono, poly) to decide if they want to work on it or mark it the end. Also, keep in mind someone you met in the future might have cheated on their past partner and you'll have to decide if they've become better or not worthy of giving the chance.
Infidelity comes from lack of respect and not lack of love
This.... I was recently on the other side unfortunately... a friend and I slept together.. this friend has a partner... expecting a child... I’m spiralling currently after a break up. My behaviour was shitty but I pushed my values to the side - for the first time in my life. Having been cheated on severally - it’s gross to think about it. I realise - after observing said friends behaviour - that it is completely due to lack of respect for their partner. It’s impossible to be in that position with such a good person and then decide so easily to cheat... I do want to add though that I’m sure it is more complicated than that - I feel like there is an issue that was never communicated. Or a thing this person may have wanted a while ago that wasn’t communicated. In the end - I CANNOT STRESS the IMPORTANCE OF OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION. Honestly as someone cheated on I can see it. I know a friend who is honest with their partner about when they feel like cheating and then they talk about what they might be wanting elsewhere and why and talk it all the way down to what’s needed and boom - it’s done. Then there’s no longer a need to go outside. That - or you could reach your own personal agreements - but the most important thing is honesty. It honestly doesn’t hurt. It’s the dishonesty that hurts - always.
People with no or little respect do cheat.
Part of loving someone is having respect for them. So your comment is silly. If don't respect them enough to not cheat, and you're willing to lose them, then that's not love.
Love comes first ...
It’s not that easy.
I was a stander for 5.5 years after the heartbreak of infidelity hit my marriage (anniversary of it today, in fact!). My marriage did not reconcile, but I learned a lot about myself during that time and how strong I truly am, and how much I valued my relationship and my partner. Having said that, I would never encourage anyone to do what I did. That's the biggest thing I learned - that no one person is so important that they should have a pass to blow up your life in every way possible, which is what infidelity does. Grace, forgiveness, understanding - all things you can still have, while at the same time recovering and going on with your life. We justify it and normalize it (thank you to the commenter who used that word - perfect!) because we are afraid of change. It's easier to keep the devil we know than to risk getting back out there and risking love again or live life alone. But once you get to the heart of why you drew this person into your life (for me, I think we just grew up broken in the same ways), you can do the work that will prepare you for higher purpose relationships. It is much better to be at that place, and now I am grateful he is gone. Love Esther Perel, she really is a great speaker, but I just can't buy encouraging strong people to stay in broken places and be fixers forever. Better energy spent to fix the world!
In my opinion, infidelity is one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly 'love'. That being said, I found this quite insightful. I think it's an excellent mindset to have if you are struggling with overcoming infidelity and would like to continue the relationship.
Once trust is broken, that’s it over.
I know a couple in my church that are absolutely in love with each other. They have been married over 30+ years. They are like young teens in love with each other. One day I learned that they went through an affair and it rocked they marriage. But, from the lips of the person that was betrayed “My marriage is stronger, better than ever. Relationships, marriage can be better after the storm of an affair”. This is from the person that was betrayed. She’s not saying cheat. She’s saying that a relationship can be renewed and better but it takes work on the part of the cheater and forgiveness from the betrayed. She thanks God for that.
She wanted to sit in the corner and watch
@@ora_et_labora1095 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
@@Oyuki-Mayonesa Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
Crazy woman
Hey man it sound good but only way to heal is to cheat back an call it fair an then we can fix things or whatever people are a joke lmao
I normally find the comments section on youtube videos quite depressing but the fact that most people here agree that cheating - whatever the reason - is not acceptable does restore some of my faith in humanity. I don't think anyone would dispute there are multiple reasons for cheating but nobody's come up with a good one.
Happy people don’t cheat. Unhappy people pretending to be happy, cheat.
you probably dont care at all but does any of you know of a way to log back into an instagram account?
I somehow forgot the login password. I appreciate any tips you can offer me.
@Carmelo Levi instablaster ;)
@Tristan Milo thanks so much for your reply. I got to the site through google and Im trying it out now.
Looks like it's gonna take quite some time so I will reply here later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
@Tristan Milo it worked and I actually got access to my account again. Im so happy!
Thanks so much you saved my ass !
@Carmelo Levi glad I could help xD
When I got married, we agreed to tell the other if we ever felt tempted to cheat. 13 years later I said to him: I'm unhappy. I'm feeling like I want to step out of the marriage to get my needs met".
His response?
" You gotta do what you gotta do..."
It broke my heart. And it was the beginning of the end.
If you want a clear conscience, make that rule with your partner.
Was it his answer that broke your heart or was it your thought about cheating?
@@aaronasante586 Both. I hated that I considered cheating and I hated that he didn't care if I did it. But at the end of the day, I'm grateful that we had that honesty between us and we're still friends 7 years later after the divorce and I think that makes a big difference that we didn't betray each other
but whats the reason that you and him are breaking up?
@@ninjapirate123 Well, he was emotionally abusive, dismissive of my feelings, had no interest in going to therapy to heal his childhood issues, so all that anger spilled onto me and our daughter. He stopped wanting sex...he was drinking to numb out.
@@Mmmmkaaay Was he an introvert or extrovert, because if he was an extrovert then he's definitely more likely to be abusive
"The happy people dont cheat, not necessarily" is interesting. Pretty much every person I know personally whose cheated is pretty unhappy, indenial, and miserable. And every couple I know whose experienced cheating to the extent of affairs and who stayed together still have a lot of hurt and dysfunction decades after it happened. Cheating is traumatic, emotional abuse, and cuts very deep.
If you feel like cheating, please just exit the relationship and/or communicate what you want. If you've ever been cheated on please think about yourself and take care of your needs and wants first. Heal as quick as you can and believe in yourself because it's not worth your light being dimmed.
Amen sis. Amen
Clearly you haven't understand shit from the video. What about if you communicate what you want and the other person doesn't listen, then cheating is a cry for help. No one talks about long term parallel relationships. Y'all dumb.
I agree 💯!! I once had a man tell me he actually loves his spouse/partner and would never leave her. I’m like why are you even bothering me?!?!
Sounds all wonderful & perfect but that not how life works hunny…
There’s a huge grey middle that needs to be resolved.
lived on an air force base married and got plenty of offers. all of my girlfriends were married and cheating. i never cheated on my husband, i genuinely loved him and he loved me too. when you really love someone you KNOW that cheating would change the relationship for ever. YOU would always know about the lie, the secret betrayal.
calipicard I'm guessing she means she didn't let temptation win bc she was truly in love with him even while being away .loved & loves and will love him. My guess. We will let her answer.
What cheating means for you
@@diegomoreno5927 Yeah, I'm curious to know what kind of behaviors she's talking about, when she says her married girlfriends cheated
@@Sisterlisk Usually cheating means engaging in sexual intercourse other with the spouse but some people call cheating even thinking about it.
To me, this is simply a discussion that is way overdue. An act so vilified, yet so actively participated in, it's finally time someone REALLY talked about the roots of infidelity rather than passing it off as an act of hedonism. Great interview.
Cheaters cost u ur mental health and no person nor relationship is worth ur mental health.
so why not people just be in a relationship with an introvert, and then that person will be very unlikely to cheat on their partners
@@ninjapirate123 False got cheated on by one😢
@@siya___7776 You're a girl right, if you are then does your cheater's name begin with the letter J
I love her, she dont mess about. Straight talk is sooooo needed in this day and age for relationships. Strength and courage is what couples need to stay together ♥️♥️
Another person justifying cheating is the last thing we need in this day and age.
@@boss4330 Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
Every situation is unique and every person should analyze for themselves what they should do in their relationship. There is so much help for the person that was cheated on, and so little for the cheater. Cheating is never okay, but if you cheated, and you are genuinely sorry, start by forgiving yourself and know that you will undergo a grieving, and renewal process. That is the hardest part. But you need to find healing. I recommend visiting a good psychologist. It’s important to understand what went wrong and try to never do it again. You need to solve that in order to be able to move on with your life. Rely on your friends and loved ones for support. I hope you are all able to find the peace, happiness and hope you desperately need. Praying for all of the broken hearts out there. God bless~
Cheating is an end of the relationship, even if the cheater is forgiven the feeling will never be the same as before. if we break a bottle even if we glue the pieces its not like before .
depends on the relationship, who cheated, fling or affair, how they cheated etc context matters
She’s brilliant and brings forward the complexities of humans and their relationships.
There is nothing complex about humans and relationships but she's a woman and she's going to overcomplicate things.
She's a quack with a matchbook education.
Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
No. She's toxic
Right? Wtf is wrong with ppl. Communication is not just a word. Is work and you work for your relationship if you care for it. But ppl don’t like work and the moment their partner becomes too much they cheat to feel better? Bunch of bullshit. This lady has cheated on everyone she’s been with and now is talking about how you need to forgive that little mistake. Bullshit talk
I've been cheated on a few times in my younger years.. I forgave as I didn't want to end the relationship, however, I started being unfaithful to them. Its just not worth it for me. Now that I'm older and I've learned those lessons the hard way, if someone cheats, I'm out. I have better things to do than wonder if they are cheating every time we are apart. I'd much rather be alone than stay with someone who made the decision to cheat no matter the reason. I am at least one of those people who can be happy in a relationship, or alone.
Forgiving infidelity is of a tall order because the psychic effect of infidelity is tremendous... Infidelity creates a domino effect by touching on betrayal, loyalty, honorability and above all TRUST that you have my back, that I am SAFE with you.
Without feeling safe, we are unable to create and expand, bringing us to paralysis or neurosis.
It is only when we accept that we all are capable of committing the same acts perpetrated by others, that within us exists not only "beauty" but the "beast" as well.
And accepting the "beast" within you, brings you to the realization that the biggest shadow is the one you cast yourself...
Only through compassion (to feel with) for ourselves and other it is possible.
What?
Carl Jung
Sorry, but its not okay to cheat that's just my view because I'm not normalizing it. It's painful, disrespectful, and has long term consequence.
Rouge One 💗 Never say "sorry" for saying what you mean/feel
Rouge One You're absolutely right. End the relationship. I speak from experience.
Nobody said it was okay, it was just stated that's it's a reality and people have overcome it before.
You are very right after my husband started to cheat me I lost my interest In him he does it always and if I get it i shout and fight always but he never stops it he is a number one cheater but me if I am in love with someone I never get fellings with others but sometimes I need to break up with him because of that I really don't happy for that cheating is disrespectful and unsatisfied .
I have 40 years with my wife. I have adult kids, we have built this for 40 years and I cannot understand how she could jeopardize the 40 years we have together. I will give her one more chance but cannot take this happening again so I hope she thinks about that. I say a chance but this is only 2 months old and I am working hard through it, it is not easy.
Happy people DON'T cheat. Cheating is not just about dishonoring your mate/relationship. It's also you dishonoring yourself. Cheating is nothing more than a person punishing YOU b/c THEY don't have the guts to leave you. Run far away from narcissistic thinking men who try convincing you that betrayal is the only solution to relationship problems. That's the most small minded philosophy anyone can have. People who dishonor themselves are NOT happy people. And if a person has a good relationship, but is unhappy with themselves, it's only a matter of time before the unhappiness within the person sabotages their good mate/relationship. Recognize how major of a red flag it is when someone who says they're unhappy also says their relationship with you is happy. A person's internal unhappiness will eventually always bleed into other parts of their lives; it's just that relationships tend to be the 1st stop for that unhappiness to visit
I think that the conversation in this video has a little bit of a weird twist of justification of cheating. But still a lot of us cant get through the betrayal of a loved one who cheated. So... ?
Yeah sure we explain the reason why someone could cheat but it's still a selfish act, and it's not justified on most circumstances.
She even goes so far as to say that even a person who loves you could cheat on you. She couldn't be more wrong about this. Betrayal is about dishonesty and lack of respect. Nobody who loves someone would intentionally lie or manipulate them.
It really is a twisted philosophy that keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships.
😊
*Selfish* people cheat. People with integrity don’t sneak around when they’re supposedly in an exclusive relationship. Just because you feel an attraction doesn’t mean that you *act* upon it. Cheating is a *choice.*
Outstanding woman. Fell in love with her mind and her words since her TED talk about infidelity. It is one of the most difficult things to be able to view such delicate subjects with a neutral angle. Yet she manages to do it perfectly and with SUCH grace!
Thank you so much for inviting her, Matthew. Really enjoyed the conversation.
Yesss, totally agree! These topics are hard to discuss and think about, but they are vital if you want to understand human beings and why they do what they do.
I think this video is more for married people that acaually lived the whole life together and not for other people
Lia daniel you are right. The information in this video is more useful for committed relationships. Information Desperately needed!!! Often times the lessons given by most sources end when the couple gets married, and assume couples will live happily ever after. The truth is, guidance is still needed. A 10 year old marriage is super different that the honeymoon period.
Very good point. Everyone has to decide what they want to do in and with their own relationship.
it makes absolutely no difference.
Lia kr 💯 correct.
I don't agree with you there cause I've been in a relationship for 8 years with the same person and I say if this has happened you're better off without them
Basically when the good outweighs the bad then the relationship is worth fighting for.
I've recently been watching a TON from Esther in a hope to better understand my relationship and find ways for my husband and myself to better communicate. She's amazing.
Hi… what’s the update… how is it going on
I usually like Matthew's videos but it is not ok to cheat period. I just got cheated on and found out after we broke up that she cheated on her ex husband a few years before we met. I wouldn't have gotten in a relationship if I knew she cheated before cause when a person cheats it is usually out of selfish tendencies and when someone is selfish it doesn't lead to long, healthy relationships. The time we had together was great but she was definitely wearing a mask a whole time and what I saw after we broke up was her true self.
I think there are two types of cheaters (maybe more). Selfish or weak minded/scared people. I suspect both these types don't have healthy behaviours and not emotionally ready for any relationship. I am sorry to hear you were cheated on but better to find out sooner rather than later. Imagine if you had figured this all out 5 years later!
Amen, once a cheater always a cheater
No.
My guy only gets to show me his love only once. Mess it up and you are gone.
No second chances for cheaters.
Single Mother Hustler you speak the truth and I don't believe its very debatable, if you cheat, then goodbye and good luck. Also your name sounds badass.
Single Mother Hustler
I smell a sooner cheater girl on you.
Absolutely! Second chances just paves the way for them to make you a doormat , and ultimately keep doing the same things because they know you'll keep forgiving them anyway!
We always say this until it happens to us.
But if he cheats then it means his Rating is up, and he is wanted
and popular and a big macho
This is how the cheater stays happy...not the one getting cheated on
People cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, believe that another person can fulfill them or complete them, and when that unrealistic expectation isn’t met they look for it elsewhere/externally. If a person feels complete, whole, and happy within, I promise they won’t cheat. It’s because of the fact that we are all looking externally for happiness that cheating is so common.
I believe people, especially in marriages, should set a precedent of saying I Iove you at least once a day (genuinely). People NEED to hear this. Even if it means swallowing our pride, it CAN be done. And we should place more value & respect on the people around us (including movies), on our spouse, & on ourselves. Love and Trust go hand in hand : )
She is not only lovely to listen to but what she says makes you really stop to think on it. I can't get enough of her podcast and this topic NEEDS to be discussed more. Thank you for sharing it with us, Matthew.
Yes!!! Esther fan club here! XD
♦️ I feel that if someone gets cheated on (ONCE), the "cheater" should be the one on his/her knees doing everything in their power to make up for their wrongdoing. The CHEATER should be the one regaining that Trust. I don't think the one that was cheated on should be the one to go out of their way to mend the relationship. Good luck on regaining that trust that you broke because trust is crucial in maintaining a relationship. Only a coward or incompetent person doesn't sit down and communicate if they feel their relationship is spiraling. NO ONE IS A MIND READER. Also, if it was about TEMPTATION, get yourself out of that situation and FLEE!!!♦️
💙(James 4:7) "... resist the devil and he will flee from you..."💙
so true good content! luckily this didn't happen to me as he's amazed by my stamina in bed. i'm just used to using 5 drops of natural sex drops spanish fly and he isn't even thinking of some other girls. simple trick uh? and these aphrodisiacs are really easy to use and available everywhere online
that's really smart, that has to be said.but actually i can't say i have never tried these natural drops spanish fly :-) yeah great results w my darling
thx for this topic . i bought my man natural aphrodisiacs spanish fly and this gift blew his mind totally.
That is flat out b/s. Yes, I will “throw away” a relationship - no matter HOW well it went before he cheated on me. It’s not fair to throw it away? Well, guess what! It’s not fair to cheat on me either! If someone cheats on the other one then there is clearly something wrong in the relationship in the first place. She said “maybe the other one tried to say something for a long time” - well he/she shouldn’t have tried but actually should have said clearly what’s bothering them. Once someone cheats on me, I will NEVER be able to trust that person again and I’ll NEVER stay in a relationship in which I can’t trust my partner for 100 %.
I might be able to forgive but I’ll never forget. You seek something outside our relationship - fine with me, but then there’s no relationship with me anymore. Period!
ssentongo mark Except it’s really the cheater that threw the relationship away
To me she’s proposing that couples find an intellectual way of denying the relationship doesn’t work. When someone says it’s easier to leave, I cringe. It’s not easy to leave because you have built so much. You build a family, a life. I’m not saying it’s easy to stay but it is easier when you’re in any situation to maintain it than to start from nothing and build something new. I’m not minimizing what people face in either case, whether they stay or leave. But it’s not true that those who stay are shamed because they stayed. That’s BS. Marriage is still seen as the gold standard in our society, the status quo. Not being single. I’ve been single for 10 years after being married for 17. He cheated and I stayed, forgave. Worked on the relationship for the next 7 years. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Yet because of my single status I’m still being looked at, by both men and women, like there’s something wrong with me. Society as a whole, around the world, still holds married people in high regards. That’s why people stay in wrong, shattered relationships. And they cheat because they know they can get away with it, stay in the marriage and society will praise them for it. They cheat because they can. And that is wrong. No matter how eloquently spoken the excuses are.
Yep, put yourself first in what you think is right, fair and peaceful for everyone including your own self.
Reisarah Smith You’re whole, and I value you as much as a married person. (Just wanted you to know)
Very good insight. I think married people are held in high respect. Single people it kinda looks like you failed. I have seen it in my family. It seems the brothers a d sisters who married were thought if as more traditional , better way to go. The one did not marry seems like you are not doing as well. It even effects how you think of yourself.i guess that is what is most important that you dont take on that view point..>***>>>>
Reisarah Smith well said. Women are penalised for not being married or staying married to a cheat. Women are ostracized if they have sex like men and are expected to suck it up and make themselves “better” if a man cheats. Hec, Dr Laura even blames women for a cheter oartner, asinine. Hold your head up high lady, and ignore society as much as possible bc it is the most miserable of the married people who judge you the harshest. Their fear of leaving, being single results in them pressuring others to do the same and excluding those who break the mold.
@Tani_Leo No i thin you nailed it, well said.
I don’t understand why some people cheat on their partner. If you fell out of love to him/her, you should talk and discuss and tell about what you feel. Try to figure out and fix if you want to solve your problem. A couple doesn't do unnecessary things like cheating because at the end of the day you will regret that.
sometimes cheating is the way that you realise things weren't going well in the relationship, often times people are not honest with themselves and then when they end up cheating they realise how broken their relationship was and which of their needs were not being met
@Dadolinaswing or how broken they themselves were. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the other person..
You’re both my intellectual crush! I love where do we begin and how to get the guy, and am studying psychology now because of both of you! Love this talk so much, thank you!
I was in a relationship for an year & half..from past 3 months..he's avoiding me..started to lie..hide things..I changed so much for him..whenever I had to choose between him & anything else..I always chose him...but now he chose those friends who came 2 months back into his life..over me...I have always supported him ..stayed with him in all good & bad times..but he left me only..for them..I love him so much ..idk he tells no I still love u..I'm not cheating...or I haven't changed..but he's not the same like he once used to be..he's good only when we get close or smthin...other times he wants his friends..most of them are "girls"..nobody looks good..but he still enjoys..when he's between so many girls...he never spoke to girls coz he was fat & ugly..he transformed to propose me & get into relationship..I loved that fat ugly guy..whose feelings were true...not this hunk..who now wants to play around..I miss him ..I miss our true love...I miss myself..I'm really broken ..very badly..idk what was my fault in all this..y did he do this..I just don't know.💔
You should never have to change for anyone but yourself. That was your first mistake.
When you worry about him liking his friends more than you, you give him reason to think that his friends are better than you. You should boost yourself up and tell yourself every day that you're going to show him why he should want to spend all kinds of time with you, and if he doesn't, it's his loss. Another thing to watch out for is the difference between expectations and demands. If you expect him to spend time with you and he disappoints you, and he doesn't care that you're disappointed, it's a sign to move on. But if you demand he spend time with you and you get angry or disappointed with him when he wants to do other things, then you need to fix that problem on your side. You should be busy maintaining other friendships and social engagements just like him-- those are good things. Telling someone to spend more time with you will not make them like you more. You have to court(date/woo/seduce) them again. Good luck~
I am sorry that you are broken. I am broken, too, so you have company. Hugs, B
Move on girl!!! You deserve better!
Fantastic Fantastic Fantastic interview clip. Unless you've ever dealt with infidelity, you don't understand. Esther has in my humble opinion the most honest and straight forward outlook on marriage, preservation and survival. Thank you Matthew Hussey for sharing this.
If a person cheats on their spouse, I seriously doubt all other aspects of their relationship are fine and good. I believe that cheating shows disrespect and emotional disconnection from their partner. If the cheater is looking for their partner to “ fight for them” then I say BS on that. The cheater needs to fight for their own happiness and get some counseling or move out and on with their life because what they need is not being met in this relationship.
Mary Jo Weaver, you're so sweet and so beautiful ❤💓❤🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹and I will be glad to know you
Shamed for staying.
I really loved the question, why is a woman forced to grow after the man fucks up the relationship.
I know what you mean about the intellectual crush ,what a mind she has! It must have been a great honour for you to have a conversation with Esther, you lucky man, and I love how blunt she is "you wanted attention, ..you got it" haha!
I was kind of sceptical of her perspective on cheating at first, but I really think she has a point. It's easy to say "If they cheat, i'm out" but sometimes the situation is more complicated than that. Furthermore,I love how she takes a different approach to cheating. Rather than a typical (understandably) explosive reaction, it's thoughtful and more of a "The damage has been done, but look at all the good things we have." In a way it could be compared to owning a dilapidated building... yeah there might be a few rooms that need fixing , but does that really mean you should sell up? Would you actually profit from doing so, or if you took the time to fix the rooms would you be in possession of something more beautiful than you imagined? It's definitely a case-by-case situation, but incredibly interesting. Thank you ,Matthew, for sharing.
I really admire this woman and her attitude on relationships. I agree with her in many things..Have listened her in many shows, she intrigues me. Still I don´t think I could ever and didn´t even want to forgive cheating!
I refuse to believe that if someone "loves" you they will cheat, and you're supposed to just shake it off and get through it. People don't just do one thing once, especially cheating. It's a flawed character thing. Cheating is a conscious choice. Stop thinking it's an "accident". I'll have to pass on her "insight". Not everyone wants to settle.
Maybe because I have never done it, I can't understand the reasons why people allow themselves to cheat. I think that love is more than satisfying your own needs, love is loyal and unselfish. Also the wound of an infidelity it's very difficult to heal. I can be wrong, but that's who I see it.
"Don't judge the entire relationship by the affair. That is unfair to the marriage and relationship" That's why second chances or even more occur or being given. This conversation was really big and absolutely interesting. Thanks for sharing this Matthew! :)
Why Do Men always Cheat & Screw Up Relationships. Or Is It Women who do. ruclips.net/video/_s4PUyhKq9A/видео.html
*That comment is bogus af. *I think people need to become blunt cold towards one another if cheating occurs within a relationship. If a significant other cheats: don’t consider your time together, look forward to a future that doesn’t include them. Forgive them, wish them well and move on remembering the good times you shared with them. Never confront them, show emotion or hurt because it’s only an ego stroke for the cheater. Leave from their presence and conduct yourself like you never knew them. I promise it’s easier done than said*
@@standground7956I agree, let them come back and they’ll continually disrespect you and your relationship. It’s not worth giving up your own self worth to try and make things work and you’ll only end up feeling worse than before.
When you don’t forgive you can’t move past what damage was done. Sure you forgive them once and that trust will NEVER be there. Isn’t that unfair to both partners even if the cheating partner isn’t cheating anymore but still getting accused of it, bc the other partner is broken. Once something is broken it’s almost impossible to put the pieces back together.
I really love when people are so confident in their hypothetical moral compass that they can't empathize with situations that are not black and white. She's not saying that infidelity should be forgiven or forgotten, in fact she's arguing the opposite, that it is something that will shape the rest fo the relationship. But she's also right in that the lifetime of shared experiences can't be nullified by the act fo cheating. If leaving the person is so easy like you just slap your hands and walk out, then was the relationship really worthwhile to begin with, and is the termination of your relationship really just contingent on a contract of monogamy? Regardless, here she is talking about relationships that can and potentially should be salvaged from the aftermath of such an incident, and in every relationship the terms and conditions are different. Like, do you have children together, do you share finances, do you have so much life together that it is impractical to capsize everything, do you still very much love one another? Like who the fuck knows but the two people involved in the actual situation. To think that you can essentialize the rules of relationships as moral absolutes of, oh if they cheat you are out or you're not in your right mind, lacks nuance and thought, and is frankly just unnecessarily self righteous. If you were faced with that situation, wouldn't you feel better if the world didn't look upon your choices, whether that be to separate or stay together, with so much judgment?
So, guessing you've cheated then and not wanted any judgement? There is truth in what you say, but simply put, one could just all out lose respect for a liar and a cheat and just never feel the same about them again, and that's okay. If the respect goes it's not worth being in a relationship. Nothing is black and white but everyone should have a line that if crossed, it's game over, regardless of what that line is.
You talk as if cheating was some kind of casual mistake. Cheating can compromise the victim's well being. You want me to spell it out for you? Emotional/psychological trauma and std. Let me ask you this; would you stay with someone who beats your mother, steals from or casually lies to your face? They claim to love you. Wouldn't leaving them mean you didn't love them at all?
One more thing, leaving the betrayer doesn't mean you stop loving them. It's called getting over (smothering/killing) the love. Learn to wipe your own ass, you're an adult
Right?! Well said.
You can tell how healed & emotionally mature someone is by whether they address cheating as a completely black & white (“all or nothing”) issue. Relationships (& humans) are incredibly complex. No two are the same...
@@nursekillm I’ve never heard anyone say cheating is a black or white issue or course it’s complex. Just curious: Do you think cheaters deserve a second chance?
@@standground7956 I think there are many things to factor into that question - as I said, it’s not black & white. Not every situation is the same.
She always poses a question like “is the entire relationship worth throwing out over a single infidelity?” Uhh hell bitch fuck yea, I didn’t sign up for an open relationship, and as much as it might be a cry for help/attention, there are some things I cannot forgive. Rewarding cheating by forgiving is tacit approval for them to do it again. So yes I’m gone ✌🏾
Could NOT agree more. Well said.
spot on. sometimes you actually realize that the other person is not as fantastic as yours, and still i wonder why i am tempted. apparently it wasn't my partner, it was all my own self.
I feel like she’s normalizing cheating and telling people it’s ok to cheat
Right. I’m tired of cheater apologists like these two
My mind is always more important than my partner. If someone cheats, leave them. Focus on yourself ❤️
I agree. No use staying with someone who compromised your relationship built on trust and time just for the sake of a few minutes of pleasure . Utterly disgusting.
Your mental health is more important than someone who hurt you and put you in pain .
I recently am trying to figure out how to forgive myself from cheating. It was with a stranger, a sext. One time thing but it was a huge mistake. I feel so confused and lost. I didn’t think I could do this. I feel frustrated because my partner would dismiss me to concerns and problems I had prior to the cheating. I felt alone and a large sense of hesitancy from him.
And now I have to face that even more since I hurt him. I’ve been cheated on and it hurts so much knowing I’ve caused this pain to someone I just wanted to love and be loved. I had forgiven my past partners but I don’t know if my current partner can do that for me.
I feel awful and learning how to forgive myself so I don’t continue hurting others. It’s so lonely, because I can only blame myself. Things are never in black and white, thank you for sharing the nuances of it all.
She is the most honest and real relationship expert and therapist out there.
She is indeed the smartets woman in the earth talking about relationships, love Esther Perrel, such a fascinating woman ❤❤❤
Wow! Two of my faves in one place! I am kinda bummed that she didn't say what I've heard her say before - the real reason why people cheat. (Versus just dealing with the aftermath.) What keeps us focused on that "one" is desire for them. We can love someone, but it doesn't equal passion or desire. In a study she performed, people were asked about what attracted them to their partner - what made them want only them. And time and again, it was the same. People were most attracted to their partner when they saw them as an individual in their element. Whether they're on stage doing a gig or making a cashier laugh - it's them emanating some radiant energy, and getting a positive reaction from the world around them. The takeaway? Sure, some people are just thoughtless and cheating out of insecurity or resentment. But, within the realm of "happy" relaches, I think we lose often lose our partners when we lose ourselves. We lose them the moment we get too lost in either them or responsibilities (or both) to cultivate that radiant side of ourselves anymore. And why would we expect them to stay attracted after that? When they fell in love with us - and we're not even that person anymore? Anyway, good stuff, Matt. May we see more of the hour long interview?
My favorite quote and line of advice is the attitude you bring when stepping into a relationship.
"ONE MUST HAVE THE 'I WANT TO' ATTITUDE, NOT THE 'I HAVE TO' ATTITUDE. tDe
Been in the same relationship for 6-7 years. Never cheat on my boyfriend but I feel her every word.
I have watched her TED Talk and I love her way of thinking about infidelity. Some of what she says in her talk, has stuck with me.
That's why I'll stay single all my life. I can't count on others and I won't let them hurt me.
Might as well anticipate it happening. So you don't let absolutely anybody have that much control over you.
Rather than putting your heart in the complete open, having complete faith in your SO to not hurt you, even if it is someone you're in love with. You can 't control anybody or anything that they do unfortunately, everybody does what they want ultimately. So I always have this mindset because honestly, I don't trust anybody 100%
But hey, thats just me
Then you'll never be truly happy
I agree with her. Is good for me that someone who is professional can explain this issue so good.
I feel as I’ve gotten older/more experience in/with relationships, I understand completely her point of view.
Me too.
People who dont value relationships cheat, and if you dont value relationships then you shouldnt be in one. Stay single. Cheaters are weak in integrity and character. Unable to have healthy relationships.
agree, i'd rather die than cheat on my girl
THIS!!
+koko9544 awwww I wish everyone was like you!!! Never change that!!!
I agree.
@@TheOriginalNiceGuy bro, you make absolutely no sense at all
Looks like 90 percent of the comments are against this idea. I feel like I am too but I've never been married. With dating it might be different. I can't fully trust someone who has cheated on me and trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. Its just how I am.
It feels like a lot of the commenters on here either didn’t watch the whole video, or they didn’t hear Esther’s words. Life is not black and white, the older you get the more you realise this. No person is perfect. People make mistakes. You might be throwing away a good person and not growing yourself if you dump or divorce someone for cheating without trying to repair the relationship. You need to look at yourself and why the relationship may not have been working as good as it could be. Are you loving enough? Do you listen? Do you value yourself and take care of yourself? Are you kind? Like I said, it’s not black and white. Good wishes people
If you cheat, you’re not a good person. Also, you’ve only listed questions that would be for the person who was cheated on, as if they’re the problem and they need to figure out why they were cheated on. But the reality is that the cheater is the problem. Regardless of their “reasons” they chose to cheat. They’re the ones at fault. They’re the problem.
Or maybe you are just codependent to that person financially, emotionally or physically (Just saying) Myself love is always louder no matter who is your partner. People loses more significant things during their lives and a relationship is not big deal.
Of course a talk is needed before making a decision but it doesn´t mean you can´t find better thing out there. Why working so hard to fix something broken so easly? People is not perfect thats a universal truth but people should have standards abour what is tolerable what is not. Most people who forgives an affair does it because they have kids or financial responsabilities together but not because they really mean it and its partially sad that outsider factor affects you choices over what heals you or makes you feel better.
"You wanted a woman who fights for you? You got her." I think a man that want a woman to fight for him is probably 2 things: (a) he is insecure to the point to create drama and risking breaking his family just to see if his partner fights. (b) he is someone that cannot be respected and he would get that from me.
It's incredibly difficult to forgive someone that cheats on you. She says that this one mistake should not erase years of hard work but after adultery the trust is eliminated and fear, anger, and resentment are in the air and its so hard to go back to how it was before they cheated.
it makes out it is the other persons responsibility for the cheaters lack of the same. A cheater is not just having sex, they are wreaking homes, destroying childrens lives, likely creating financial ruin, and likely agreeing to do the same to both peoples lives. It is an extremely selfish act with many victims and serious consequences. i detest such justifications and challenge anyones intelligence when they proclaim, "It is just sex."
I'm sorry, but why should I as a Woman fight for the relationship when he fucked up? I mean, if there is a problem in communication etc..he should be the one fighting for us. I don't like the fact, that the Woman has to accept a subordinate role in order to make the relationship work again. It will only work, if BOTH are willing to work on themselfs and the relationships.
Sabina Galic I agree. He should fight to save it.
I dont agree, i think both should fight to save for it.
"Love my partner very much, I am having an affaire"
Euhh.... no!! Just no!! You can not hurt the person you deeply love, so either they have a flawed definition of love or they simply loe to you about loving them.
Love and deceit do not collaborate. Truth!
It’s not the cheating per se. That’s bad, but it’s the lying and the betrayal of trust that destroys the relationship. How can you, or why would you, if you have any self respect continue on with somebody you know cannot be trusted regardless of how many good things they have done right previously?
I agree with her. When you sign and vow to be with someone through highs and lows you vow to get through everything together. I love this video.
But also taking vows you vow not to cheat on your partner.
lol when you vow you also vow not to cheat lmao
Naw sis… your comment ain’t it
Why tf are so many people agreeing with this… delusional
I dont understand this video and the logic of her mentality. Isnt cheating just basically about weakness, unsatisfaction and unfulfilment and emptiness? Instead of just leaving the relationsship or work through the relationsship you choose to cheat because either you are bored, unsatisfied, weak in the sense of just telling the other person how you truly feel avout them and the relationsship . I just think its weakness and unfulfilment. I think its because we want people to complete us, which they werent created to do. so instead of finding a steady foundation In life outside of a person , no matter the life-situation and State of mind. people try to find their source in people and when that fails, they cheat because they are unfulfilled. No happy or “satisfied” person would do that its not logic , so Im not buying her message. Sorry.
I agreed with your thoughts. But what I got out of the video is that there’s another aspect to analyze. Using your thoughts as an example to look at it from another perspective, I think in some cases people are left to cheat. The person they love may have caused the weakness and the unfulfilled feelings in them, assuming that they relied on the other person to complete them, and not knowing any better to just be whole as an individual. However, I believe this is what she is referring to, she’s not saying cheating is right but believes in leaving it up to the person being cheated on to evaluate the situation rationally and realistically then deciding if the relationship is worth fighting for or to leave without forgetting to acknowledge their part in what happened. Yes, the person cheating could have spoke up and left but that might be a question of emotional maturity, a lot of people are not rational thinkers and think out of impulse, something that’s common in human nature. I sure there are cheaters who though of themselves as decent human beings that never imagined they would have had an affair, and now hate knowing living with the fact that they’ve lost it all.
@Tani_Leo she meant they can cheat even if happy with their relationship. I would agree with u it's because they're bottomline unfulfilled, even in that case. Or they're a freak lol
ssentongo mark The point is, if you’re happy, you don’t cheat. Unless you’re a terrible person and don’t respect your partner and just enjoy cheating.
Betrayal, lies, disrespect, are never ok! Treating your partner this way will never be ok in a relationship. I would lose respect for myself if I stayed and pretended cheating was forgivable. It's the worst hurt of any. Had it happen in a marriage and a dating relationship of 11 years. Now I feel I can't trust. I would never be unfaithful to a partner that I loved.
It’s just commitment and how much your committed to that person and how much both of you are determined with each other. It makes me mad when in a relationship someone cheats and they still stay together. Believe that you deserve better for the love of god.
You are overcomplicating things, if a person cheats to you it is because he/she lacks integrity, simple as that! on to the next partner!
Francois-Marie Arouet you are over complicating things. If a wife goes sexless it’s because she’s getting better satisfaction elsewhere and her husband is garbage.
You are too rigid, Ayrton.
Tani_Leo 😂
If my wife cheats on me it's over, just divorce and move on. No second chance
Yes, she has a point. Agreed. The end point "affair" shouldn't represent all of the relationship after so much time, so much invested, so much familiarity with someone, say in a marriage of many years. But, sometimes the "affair" is precisely the piece that helps wake up the relevant parties to identify the underlying "what" is going on. Not pretty, for sure. Not something to sneeze at but it can be the piece that helps one decide to wake up in the Matrix and realize you do in fact want to swallow the red pill and be present in your own life, become aware, in spite of the pain of living in reality and the consequences of living thereof.
I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated on... by my ex husband, with both men and women. I was at risk for HIV/AIDS, by staying in the relationship and my validation with that happened when he continued to cheat on me after I discovered the same sex affair, and he admitted he was still talking to him... while we were wasting our time in counseling!!! It was a five month long ordeal, and I wasn’t quick on my feet to end it because we had a child together. This broke me, forever.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with now. Husband is cheating but we have a life that’s hard to walk away from because as Ester said life is complicated with many facets. But at the same time he’s still cheating and having his cake and eating it too.
Staying in a marriage and staying in a relationship are two very different things. The former may be done out of necessity, while the latter is a choice. I can understand someone staying married for the kids or due to lack of financial independence, but I cannot understand that person trying to rekindle an emotional, intimate, romantic relationship with the cheater.
Also, cheating is an act of hatred. Why try to love someone who hates you so much that they physically went out of their way to prove it?