I have had closure from narcissistic relationships because I walked away and healed. I realized that I didn't need their accountability because I knew the truth. That's all that I needed.
Every single night I have nightmares. I got depression anxiety and ptsd. You can’t change them, you can only change yourself. Hugs to all who have suffered 🤗
I have been dealing with this type of personality with my ex for the past 5 years. He cheated and made it look like it is all my fault. Never answered my questions as to why after 26 years together just cheat with no answers. It is very difficult even after you leave these people to get over and find peace because we never get the closure that we hopped. The only regret he had was he got caught, never admitted it was his fault or the acknowledge the pain he caused. I wish I had known the signs of a narcissist. May all of us find the strength to find peace. Remember, it is not us, it is them. They are the ones with the problem. Good luck to you. I know what it is like to have sleepless nights and take anit depressants to get through one day at a time. We just have to tell ourselves they don't care what happens to us. We have to take care of ourselves.
Just got tried to have ‘a talk’ with my ‘ex’ about why he doesn’t ever say sorry, show any empathy, or show any love to me it the children .. his response is just to shut me down, I listed all the things he’s done over the years and did he not ever think that one day I would finally have had enough… blankness. The man doesn’t have a heart!
From my experience, narcissistic people don't provide closure. Closure requires the ability to self reflect, which is something they don't like to do. They prefer to portray themselves as their favorite character, which is the victim. They don't communicate, and they will never change.
I was married to a narcissist for many years. NEVER AGAIN. Being with a narcissist is the most toxic and mentally exhausting relationship you can ever have. We were together for a total of 22 years. He would NEVER accept responsibility when he was in the wrong or had made a mistake. He NEVER would apologize for treating me like absolute garbage and deeply hurting me. If an apology was ever about to escape his lips, it would be, "I'm sorry, but you...." and then he would proceed to blame his actions on me. Narcissists are professional manipulators and blame shifters. They will gaslight you to death. They will place the blame anywhere but where it belongs, which is on them. In their eyes, they can do no wrong. It's a level of grandiosity like none other. It truly was the loneliest 22 years of my life. I had fallen into such a deep state of depression and had given up all hope of ever finding happiness and peace. I was too stubborn to leave because I had been with him since I was only 18 and I felt stuck, which in retrospect was so stupid. The only reason I am no longer with him is because he passed away 2-1/2 years ago. For the past almost 2 years, I've been dating a guy who is the polar opposite of my late husband and it has been such a breath of fresh air. We are best friends and I am finally able to live again.
@@jrwheeler81 just read your story and felt like I was reading my story. I’m so happy you get experience real love again. I also fell into a deep depression ,his response was welcome to my world. I knew than and there if I didn’t get out I would die.
I finally decided and walked away from a narcissist man that I was dating for almost 13 years last night. I couldn’t ignore what my heart had been telling me & how much I was hurting and how bad I was treated anymore. Worst, how lonely I was, always feel blamed, and cannot have a deep connection with him. Like not fitting into his world feeling there’s no room for me. Also, he never owned up to anything he did wrong and he would throw a fit every time! Seeing that you met a polar opposite man who is also your best friend gives me hope to eventually find a good man. I really hope he is out there somewhere.
@@dotcheung You are so incredibly strong to be able to finally walk away from a toxic relationship of so many years! I wish I had been that strong when my husband was still alive, but I made the mistake of staying for probably about a decade longer than I should have! You WILL find true love! I met my boyfriend when I least expected it! Neither of us expected to find this kind of love. We both had horrible marriages and now we've finally found each other! Hang in there! It only gets better from here! I promise!
@@LilianaKourieh That's exactly how I felt! I had literally lost any shred of hope that I would ever be happy or even content. I was almost constantly being yelled and cursed at, called horrible names, and being blamed for essentially everything. There were even a few occasions where he was physically abusive. If he was having a bad day, that meant I had to have a bad day as well. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells in my own home. He would throw the kind of tantrums that you would expect from a 5-year-old. About a year before he passed, he smashed one of our TVs in a fit of rage and then, of course, blamed me. If he hadn't passed away, I'd probably still be living in total misery!
Last night I ended & walked away from dating a narcissistic man for almost 13 years. Today, this video popped up in my feed. Every word that Matt said describes almost EXACTLY what I experienced. This content gives me so much peace knowing that it’s not me!!
So glad you walked away. Stay safe and rebuild yourself. 13 years to too long to be someone girlfriend. Ask Jesus to send you a man that wants marriage after you allow Him to heal you.
@@SuchAClassicGirl-dx2ip I can’t believe there’s such kindness out there to check on me 😢. Yes, this initial week is freeing but saddened at the same time. Not even a week and this man stopped caring just like that.. but I am more sad that I have wasted so much time on this narcissistic monster & lost a lot of self-esteem.. I am trying to let myself to feel all the emotions & let tell them all out this week. And I have plans to start rebuilding myself - moving into a new space, learning abt self-development, building a social circle, and managing anxious attachment.
Thank you. This is absolutely phenomenal content. I was married to one for 23 years. An amazing master manipulator. I always knew something was off. Starving them of energy is the only way and the most empowering thing you can do. Grateful for your brilliance. Sending love and strength to anybody going through this.
Same!! I was with my narcissist husband for a total of 22 years, since I was only 18 years old. He, too, was a master manipulator and would constantly gaslight me. He cheated on me in 2011/2012 with a coworker and then constantly accused me of not trusting him and trying to convince me that I was the problem. It was the loneliest 22 years of my life. I was extremely depressed and had essentially given up all hope of ever being happy again. I was far too stubborn to leave. He ended up passing away 2-1/2 years ago and for the past almost 2 years, I've been dating an incredible guy and am finally loving life again.
One of the most revolutionary things my therapist told me was “your upset may not be the best form of attention for this person, but it’s still attention and if that’s all they can get, they’ll keep poking at you.” Never looked back. I felt horribly misunderstood and wronged, but I was finally at peace by giving them nothing.
Matthew this was my life for 34 years, when I stood up to him he escalated his manipulation and abuse . He turned our life upside down wouldn’t take accountability for anything, everything you have said is spot on. It’s taken years of therapy to heal and regulate my emotions reclaim back my life.
10 years and it's crazy how I never saw any of this until I started watching these videos post-breakup. It's like you are describing her better than I ever knew her.
Peace is closure is something everyone should note. you always want to say more or do more but if you feel peace by not having that person around, then that is enough to move on.
The strength and determination to live a peaceful life and walk away from narcissists and/or narcissistic abuse is so overwhelming - you have to fight every empathetic thought, feeling, and action that is inherent. It can feel like there is no closure. But having recently gone through it myself, I can say that once you get enough distance physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually (if there were karmic ties), then, when it is safe and you know you won't engage if they reach out, then you can start releasing all of those deep wounds/feelings and process to let go. Narcissistic abuse hurts to your core, so to heal, you have to reconnect with that deep emotional well-being and peace that is our core. And that feels better than closure❤. My sincere apologies for anyone reading this who is stuck dealing with the narcissist because of shared custody, etc. This probably sounds really watered down. I am so sorry. Hang in there. Praying for you❤
Exactly! Once, in exasperation, after being told I needed to be more understanding, I exploded to the narcissistic “I am the most understanding person you have ever met in your life!!!” his only reply was. “I know that” 🙄🥱
Yes. Which is probably why he hollered at me that I have no empathy. Yeah, it’s pretty hard to provide any empathy and understanding to someone who makes no logical sense. I really don’t understand them.
Actually, I was much better able to deal with my mother when I understood a few things. #1. Narcissists are as selfish as people come, so if my mother can do something that will slightly benefit her, even if it will destroy somebody else who has never hurt her, she will choose that course of action. This is why it is best to avoid her. #2. She has no empathy, so I can't expect her to change any behavior due to her empathy for me. Instead, I must always convince her that changing her behavior will pay off better for her. This is why I can never expect her to apologize or be kind to me, but I should always find reasons for her to spend quality time with anyone who thinks she is not so bad. The more time she spends with her friends, the more they understand me. I even managed to convince her to move to the same state as a relative of mine who thought every person should forgive their mother, no matter what she does. That person doesn't think that anymore.
It's both sobering and liberating to realize that the 'closure' we so often seek from a narcissist is a mirage, one that keeps us circling the same exhausting loop. What struck me most here is the idea that true closure isn’t something another person grants us-it’s something we find within ourselves by disengaging from the chaos they create. One insight I’d like to add is that narcissists operate not just as a ‘different animal,’ as you mentioned, but almost like a mirror that distorts rather than reflects. Engaging with them long-term often forces us to lose sight of our own values, needs, and even sense of reality as we try to reconcile their behavior with our expectations. The real work, then, isn’t just walking away but rebuilding trust in our own perceptions. Closure, in this context, is not a moment of clarity with them-it’s reclaiming the clarity within ourselves.
Beautifully put. I was just thinking that leaving them is an act or the ultimate act of trusting your perspective and your perceptions. It’s doubting your perception that causes you to stay in it. I think the question that I need to ask myself and a lot of us need to ask ourselves, is, when has not trusting your perception ever been a good way to go? When does that ever work out well? My heart bleeds for everybody in the comment section my heart bleeds for myself, so many wasted years. So many memories of experiences that groomed me to become a person who was easy to manipulate. Isn’t it amazing how some of us find the strength? Here we are in the comment section cheering each other on. Bless all of you out there, being the change makers.
I found Ramani's online course to be really worthwhile and affordable, I paid to be in that program for about five months after I had to get divorced. I was so embarrassed that the man I married and the father of my child couldn't sit at a table and speak civilly with me. I was in my marriage for life. I felt forced to file and very much didn't want to. The truth is, I should have left much sooner. There are some really great tools Dr. Ramani provides as well as the community, and being in a program helps limit the work you're doing so you know you're making progress without being obsessive. 😅
After watching every single of Matt's videos in the last year, or two, this one was the most eye opener and 😮. There's no winning, just saving our heart and soul with these monsters.
Matthew that was your best video for me. I won’t spend too much time on my situation but I was married to an absolute narcissist and didn’t know about narcissists or gaslighting. We were married for 27 years 😮 Every single reason you described happened to me. Right down to him becoming the victim! He has a new relationship he started while in the marriage and it’s been going on for 3 years. So I struggle with him finding a new partner and blaming me & speaking ill about me to everyone I used to know. I feel the injustice of having to be the bigger person. However, I won’t give him any supply. Only upbeat responses. He doesn’t care about those because he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about his son. He hasn’t spoken with his son in over 2 years! Yet he lives with a new woman and her son and dog. We were totally replaced. Seemingly easily too. Your last statement hit home with me..PEACE is closure. I could never go back because I have grown and I am not the same person. I am still healing and trying to gain back confidence and trust in myself. My partner is coming. I deserve it too! Ty so much for exactly the video I needed today. 😊
Yes they replace so quickly I was married for27 years too. All the love we gave and our kids are discarded as we see through them. They find more supply. We woke up to knowing that we are not being controlled anymore. We lose financially but we gain dignity and authenticity. We are strong and will always be a good person to others. They won’t good luck well done xxx❤❤❤
It's kinda scary to see how many of us has been going through this. And so how many persons with narcism or narcissistic traits are there and you could possibly run against one again. 😰
It's been six months since I ended it with a narcissist, & I tried to do it quietly and peacefully, so from time to time he still messages me, and let me tell you, every time we speak, I get even more enraged, and he manages to make things worse every single time. There is no winning with these people; they will never apologise or reflect on what they did to you. I literally just took out my phone now and blocked his number; in the process of trying to keep the peace, I'm letting this guy interrupt my healing with more annoyance. I have no plans of keeping in touch with him again, ever!
I remember falling asleep to Dr. Ramani's videos a few months before I built up the courage to finally exit that environment that almost led me into an "unhappy marriage." It was a huge struggle, but I did it. I cannot believe I was still allowing this guy to text me after I already ended it.
Almost FREE and I’m so happy/nervous/scared/excited! All the feelings are flowing! But peace is what I’m really looking forward to! ❤ Sending love and positive vibes to anyone going through this!
In any break up you go through, remember it is up to you to put closure on that and not them. The break up is the easiest form of closure because there was a break. Someone is choosing not to work on the relationship which is the fastest way to get to closure.
There is a caveat to the accountability I can attest to. If it serves their mission, they are NOT beyond using accountability for manipulation. Over and over my ex would leave and blame everything on me, but when he needed me back for supply and attention need pour tears of "I'm sorry", "somethings "wrong with me", "no one ever deserves to be treated the way I did you". He'd even say he loved me so much he was in therapy (wasn't). I'm only pointing this out for people out there stuck in a situation trauma bonded to someone because it's not unusual to be blinded by fake apologies by playing on your empathy.
The same thing happened to me. “You deserve better.” “I don’t deserve you.” “I miss you. I miss us.” Then lying to me and discarding me multiple times to run back to his ex-wife (who also cheated on him and rejected him multiple times). It took me 4 years and him discarding me 3 times to wake up. I’ll leave them to their drama. I’m so glad I’m free and at PEACE.
Over the ten plus years I have been out, I have watched literally hundreds of videos like this one from all of our most beloved experts on the topic. Matthew, thank you for this one. It is so clearly and brilliantly articulated that it is at the top of the most helpful videos I have ever seen.
Hi Matt, by far, one of your best podcasts. I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and the only way I finally got closure aka peace was to get a divorce. Love the final #7 that there is no way to ever understand this person. Well said. I spent years trying to do that and finally realized I never would! Thank you for sharing this powerful wisdom!
I dated one briefly a few years ago… it went on longer than it should have but I was on to him in the final few months, and let him run down his energy trying to get me to come back. I just wasn’t having it but it was fascinating to see him scheming. He would show up at my house with gifts, claim to be so broken hearted and lonely… but no follow through so it never happened. For the next 3 years about every other month, he would send selfies from the gym with pathetic text messages saying how much he missed me. I would read them all. But. Did Not. Respond. Even. Once. Not once. And yet it continued even though by then, I had sold the house and moved 1000 kms away. He didn’t even realize it. One day it stopped - I’d like to think he dropped by with a plant and met the new owner 🤪 Weirdo. Never again.
Took magic mushrooms with my narcissist ex and for a few short moments the psylocibin broke through her ego. It was like she saw me for the first time and apologized for who she was and what she had done. Bu tomorrow, the ego was back and the empathy was once again, gone.
So interesting. I’ve always been in awe of people with highly narcissistic tendencies taking or enjoying taking psychedelics. In my experience it is such a mirror and can be so confrontational. I guess it speaks to the actual integration of the medicine and how that goes hand in hand with the experience itself for growth. What’s it all for if you don’t actually integrate what is shown (obviously they can have a fun element sometimes but you know what I mean).
Oh I had that happen one time. He took some sort of drug and then he said to me that he had taking out his anger on me and I never deserve that. I thought I was gonna throw up, all the pain that I had shoved down for years and years and then suddenly I get this ad hoc apology. Meant nothing
The part about shape shifting really resonated with me. I never thought about it like that but that is exactly how my mom behaves. Recently held boundaries and told my mom I’m not buying Christmas gifts for the plethora of adults in our family this year. She was mad and told me I was unbelievable but when I didn’t back down she shifted to trying to guilt me and I still said I’m not doing it. I texted all the adults in the family they all agreed that it was a good plan except my mom who has always felt she had power over me to do what she wanted me to do until now. Thank you for the empowering video this week.
What was also so maddening until I got the revelation that the way I was being treated was how they were treating themselves. Finally when I realized that, I slowly stopped taking it personally and started to grieve and accept that these people won’t be able to see me
One of your most important videos! Couldn’t have come at a better time. Will watch it on repeat to allay my unfounded guilt and my hope that they or I can change the situation. I have to protect myself from the perpetrators because it will happen again.
I’ve been dealing with a discard from a 12 year relationship from narcissist , not knowing and not getting reasons was killing me until i understood that what happened and the way it happened was the closure. Understanding he was a narcisist and going over 12 years picture by picture of all the abuse , that was all i needed
This video is so on point. Hits every nail on the head. The peace of knowing the truth and no longer trying to understand how someone can be so evil, wicked and heartless, is the closure. I have to keep reminding myself that whenever I think I should be able to expect normal human behavior, that I'm not dealing with a rational, empathetic, normal or loving person. These people are pure evil. Praise God for freedom, clarity and closure.
I thought "yknow, my partners not a narcissist- what a buzz word" but the more Im learning the more I hear EXACT phrases and situations my boyfriend says or puts me through.
I watch a lot of Dr. Ramani’s videos and I stumbled across this one. I have to admit this is exactly what I needed to hear. I watch this type of content to validate and confirm. Honestly it’s just helping me heal. When Matthew said “we are the one that has to be the bigger person, we are the one that has to grow” that’s my reward? I felt those words!!! Even though it does feel unfair and unjust. My reward will be peace. One day I will look back and laugh and smile at the fact that I even let someone have that much control over me. 2025 will be my year!
That seventh and final point is exactly what has kept me stuck all of these years, and therapy has not really helped me sort it out. The fact that the situation I’m in makes zero sense simply keeps me from moving on. I just cannot believe what happened, how it happened, and how I ended up in the situation I am in. I also want to say that your words and your videos have been some of the most impactful since I’ve been on this journey. Your straightforward way of stating things has been incredibly helpful to me. Thank you.
I needed to hear this exact message today!! I don’t know why I still have hope that he will someday take accountability or be understanding on any level. Unfortunately I have to overcome this urge to make peace with him because we share custody and it will never happen. I get to be neutral and unbothered. Peace will come….thank you for all you do🙏❤️
It's good advice. Don't respond or engage with them. Even if you feel it's cowardly to back down or retreat, simply view it as not being willing to interact with them
I decided to edit the comment because I realized that sharing my story wasn't necessary in this context. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in experiencing narcissistic abuse-not because I would wish it on anyone, but because it reminds me that healing and resilience are possible. I want to extend my best wishes to everyone who has faced similar challenges; may you find strength and peace on your journey.
Best thing to do is to accept the narcissist for what they are, deal with them at a distance if you must have any contact with them, and move on. They do not see a problem with their behavior and world view, and most of them have developed sophisticated people skills to avoid consequences.
Thank you, Matthew, for clearing simplifying what we' re dealing with with narcissistic...fuckers. It really helps. It is so perfectly accurate and accessible and help you let go.Thank you again
The only closure you can get after a relationship with a narcissist is with yourself. It helps to understand everything they did to you, all of the harmful abuse belongs to them, but it isn’t helpful to stay in the position of the victim. It’s better to understand what role you played in enabling them, how did you attracted and let them into your life, and what were the knowledge gaps that you had that kept them close to you for so long. It better to have a difficult conversation with yourself, take full accountability for the part you played in the drama, and forgive YOURSELF, and heal. That’s the only closure you need.
I’m so very proud of myself for finding the courage to leave a relationship like you’re discussing here. Being with this man, I believe I experienced what it was like being with an abuser. It was the worst, most difficult feeling I have experienced. I found myself in a situation that stole my confidence and self worth. It was devastating, bizarre and very painful. Fast forward three years now. I continue to learn about myself and why I would have found myself in that type of relationship. It has impacted my ability and willingness to start a new relationship in ways I’m trying to understand. I will say that one of the powerful take-away from the experience has been my increased ability to empathize with people who have experienced abuse, especially women, and what a debilitating experience it is. Thank you, Mathew for your reminder about the PEACE we get to experience now. It does me good to hear that message!! Sending support and love to all and any who may need it.
How I apologize for name calling: I’m so sorry I called you mean names during our argument, I just felt so frustrated because I felt unheard. I promise I’ll do better to control my words when we argue. It’s important we maintain respect for each other even when we fight How a narcissist apologizes: well just don’t upset me then I won’t call you names.
Or "well you were kind of acting like a b- if I'm being honest." Evil people. I have never been name called in a relationship until i came across my narc husband. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM
Amen. I wish I had known what I was "in" when I was "in it" but all of this makes so much sense and wow, I literally tried everything but I could never be perfect. I am so glad I re-established my boundaries and know my worth. It hurts so bad when someone you love can't love you back the way you deserve.
Yep! Must keep video. As long as I have to work with this woman I am being civil and only communicating with her about essential talk only. I refuse to be the walking apologie for her. I am planing on moving on. I was involved with an A grade Narcissist last year,.. I don't really have any regrets ... As a physical being ,. I hated him. But as a spiritual being I have to thank him for giving me a very valuable lesson.
God bless you! I've never met a narcissist, but recently did...omg so toxic! I was agonizing over telling them how I feel, but I realized on my own it's best not to engage. And you confirmed it ❤
Very effective & clear perspectives presented, Sir! It encouraged me much to finslly leave my Narcissist husband! I desrve a second chance to live my life with peace & genuine joy! God bless & protect you abundantly, Sir!
That is my mother and grandmother. The only two people who were supposed to take for me when I was kid. She threw all her responsibility of her decisions on me since I was like 11yo, were leaving me for weeks since I was 14, she was alcoholic for 20 years, literally made my childhood one big trauma, somehow managed to do it again, when I was 28 and I was still the one doing some actions to fix the communication with her, somehow she managed to leave me in her own dirt again and yet somehow I tried to be in touch with her until I was 35. I will never get an apology, never get the understanding, never get a serious conversation I deserve and somehow I know they will both live in denial until the day they die. Once I stopped communicating and threw the responsibility back on them, my life is blooming. Thank God for the internet and free informations you can learn and Thank God for the people who share their own stories so you don’t need to waste so much time. Never ever again!!!
Damn this video really hit home! Ive been struggling for over 12 months, and this video hit the nail on the head, almost no coincidence that i needed to hear this today
I had done nothing wrong except be there all the time, suffered push/pull, silence , told things like "deal with it", the discard, the hoover but yet she still expected apology from me. They are so weird and you will never have intimacy
Matthew spectacular video. I understood everything you explained because I am experiencing it all and I now have knowledge to decide how to handle this relationship and the courage to seek peace for myself. Thank you i
I’m in the process of completely cutting off my father. It took me far too long to realize what kind of man he chose to be. Now that I know, he’s been far more aggressive (and somehow still a victim) than before. These people are, as you said, maddening. Still working through forgiving and finding peace. Making good progress but it’s tough.
One of the most important videos I’ve ever seen. My heart is broken for so many reasons. I’m about to make a move that’s probably going to estrange me from my brother for the rest of our lives. There’s so much to unpack, so much frustration, so much disappointment, so much loneliness my God… What it’s like to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you so deeply and you’ve never been able to have any repair. How long can somebody keep A relationship like that going? It feels like there are forces out there pushing me in this direction. Like the forces don’t want me to live a lie anymore. It feels like I’m being asked to do some thing that is beyond my strength, but I know that it can’t be, because spirit would never lead me astray. I just wish somebody else could do this so I didn’t have to. But it has to be me. I’m the one who breaks the cycle. let’s just be honest about this, this sucks. The relationship has sucked for so long and walking away and dealing with the aftermath of rage and having to block this person from contacting me, it really sucks. Everybody needs a chance to complain. But I want peace, I deserve peace. It’s what I try to bring to other people. There’s no part of me that deserves to be treated with such brutality, to be so terrorized,so anxious. So there we go, peace is closure. Thank you Matthew
Watching your videos like this helped me realize that I'm married to a narcissist and I regret it and wish I could go back in time to say goodbye before it's too late.
You know the way I deal with this - and it’s unorthodox but effective - is I numb myself to the potential reaction I’ll give them.. the receipt I get from it.. their need to control me.. so I don’t have to give them anything, but also at the same time having a warm heart, I’ve found the right balance.. and I’ve found mental peace that way, and I think they can tell
Also being negative and bitter helps.. it eases the pain.. makes you bolder and badder.. it’s empowering.. but obviously at the same time having integrity.. it’s a tough concoction to cultivate but it’s effective.. works for me.. lots of people - and I see a lot of ‘em here - cry about it and are unable to cultivate this concoction.. it takes massive patience and perseverance
Part of me thinks only men can cultivate this concoction.. so women will have to rely on the man in their lives to cultivate this so they can feed off of and live off of that, but the best they can do is try and inspire their man to achieve this.. that itself takes intelligence and whatever it should for a woman - only she knows - to achieve this, mostly being a good person and egoless/compromise
You nailed it on the head with describing how frustrating it is to be the bigger person to a narcissist who treated you like shit for a long time and then discarded you. It's a mind f**k but you do it because you continue to want peace and happiness even if they try to make it out that you are not a happy or positive person at all. SIGHHHH!
As well as putting up with the narc's bad behaviour while in the relationship, after you leave them, you will probably be putting up with bad behaviour from people who believe the narc's smear campaigns against you. So, unfortunately, it can take a while to get over a narcissistic relationship.
This is so true 😢 my Ex dragged his feet to get married, then to have kids but once I got the part I wanted, the narc came out & a lawyer identified it 😮 definitely energy vampire, toxic & suck all the funds out of everything… don’t care about anyone… created scenario’s so he can play hero or you’re right- & worse- the victim… it’s terrible 😒- nothing makes sense, ever! Too bad the laws aren’t aligned to help disengage when married with kids… it puts you into a situation where you’re hurt, embarrassed and angry… but at least you know now - I agree, choose peace ☮️ ❤ Thank you Matthew 🙏
Honestly trying to be the bigger person in some situations is hard. Relationship with my ex ended horribly. A fair amount of disrespect from her towards myself. I wished her well, said I didn’t want to stay in contact and removed myself completely. About once a week she comes into my work. Avoids everyone else, aims straight for me and initiates a convo. Asking me about my family etc. Like we are pals and nothing happened If I lose it and call her out. I’m still “sensitive” and “emotional”. If I stay calm and respectful it shows I’m cool with her actions. Im at peace now and ultimately it doesn’t affect me. But it would be nice not to deal with her at my workplace. Colleagues all making jokes after. It’s just super weird
I learned this the hard way (my ex was an alcoholic narcissist that I was with coming up on 2 years ago) healing from this is truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with.
Brilliant video I was married to a narcissist for 5 years. When I was feeling that the marriage was in trouble, I slaughtered counseling. Once I put in boundaries he didn’t like it he left. I then needed to get an IVO against him for my safety That was over 20 years ago and I have peace and that was my closure Not sure that I will ever find a guy who is emotionally healthy, as the ptsd from the marriage s still having an impact Thanks Matthew for your videos, they are very healing 🤗
Matt you have no idea how helpful this is been! I can now, stop going back in my mind, and rewind rewind trying to understand, specially #5 at this point but I guess never saw it or understood so clearly as today with you in all your points!! Thank you so so much! After 3 years of my story, this week I still got one “thing” I guess trying to see if “I engage” and you uncovered that up so clearly! Thank you thank you. I just going to save your video forever in my playlist just to play it again when is need it! Love your work, how you analyze and explain everything! God Bless you!
I enjoy your videos. I watch them because I’m entering the dating scene after a 10 year relationship. But I was able to relate to this video because I grew up with a narcissistic mother and watched her ruin my fathers life. You just described her perfectly. I don’t speak to her and have no intention of ever speaking to her. My greatest fear about dating is getting into a relationship with narcissist.
This was the best video EVER! Especially the last 5 minutes. All clear My mother is an aging narcissist And I still have been susceptible in my life to a couple of narcissistic men. The first being my ex who I had children with who then abandoned our kids through leaving the country and sporadic attention. My kids learned to shut him out then completely. The worst was he didn’t get EVER what his leaving the US and going to the UK did to our boys at 6 and 4 years of age. Folks stay away from these people. They can do the worst - and still deny He denied that my children could have been emotionally hurt, left or not Ben needed a father. Run from these people that lack humanity
Your intention and strategy here is on-point! I got out of a relationship with a narc a few years ago because I picked up a book from Barnes and Noble that basically described how to make a relationship with this kind of person work--"Disarming the Narcissist"--and it was soooo sad and bleak I was like uh yeah no I give up. 😂I knew it was speaking truth about the reality of how their brains work and what would never happen and it just brought me to the level of acceptance I needed to just stop trying to make that relationship work.
Try to open up and get some empathy and acknowledgment? Try to confront and get some closure? You will get rage and manipulation. Remove access and move on is the only way!
So perfect Matthew, thankyou. It's such a complicated dynamic and hearing you put things in a way that values the partner/ex-partners of a narcissist is so helpful. In gratitude Cathy
I have had closure from narcissistic relationships because I walked away and healed. I realized that I didn't need their accountability because I knew the truth. That's all that I needed.
I'm really proud of you 🎉🙌 that's strength
That’s still not getting it from a narcissist, but I’m glad you solved it yourself, cos you would of had to anyway
Amen
This is such strength when claiming your own peace
@@doyoueatrocksShe didnt say it was .
Being around a narcissist is the most suffocating experience ever.
Best means of closure: walking away. No contact. Healing. Thriving.
AMEN!!!
I think it’s the only way. It’s so sad. So many more people will be hurt because of their unwillingness to take accountability and work on themselves.
Every single night I have nightmares. I got depression anxiety and ptsd. You can’t change them, you can only change yourself. Hugs to all who have suffered 🤗
I have been dealing with this type of personality with my ex for the past 5 years. He cheated and made it look like it is all my fault. Never answered my questions as to why after 26 years together just cheat with no answers. It is very difficult even after you leave these people to get over and find peace because we never get the closure that we hopped. The only regret he had was he got caught, never admitted it was his fault or the acknowledge the pain he caused. I wish I had known the signs of a narcissist. May all of us find the strength to find peace. Remember, it is not us, it is them. They are the ones with the problem. Good luck to you. I know what it is like to have sleepless nights and take anit depressants to get through one day at a time. We just have to tell ourselves they don't care what happens to us. We have to take care of ourselves.
@ sending you hugs sweetie. 🤗❤️🥰
@@nicolestewart Big loves xxx💖💖💖
@@karentyndall7948 big hugs 🤗 heart 💓
Remember you cant heal toxic and loving people harder doesnt make them love you. Chose you and its not you its them
"They will never give you closure because they will never give you empathy." I felt that! He was emotionally unavailable, and I know I deserve better.
Same case here
Just got tried to have ‘a talk’ with my ‘ex’ about why he doesn’t ever say sorry, show any empathy, or show any love to me it the children .. his response is just to shut me down, I listed all the things he’s done over the years and did he not ever think that one day I would finally have had enough… blankness. The man doesn’t have a heart!
“Peace is closure”. Let them free, to free yourself.
💯
I never get any peace from the no contact so it sucks lol ( for me )
From my experience, narcissistic people don't provide closure. Closure requires the ability to self reflect, which is something they don't like to do. They prefer to portray themselves as their favorite character, which is the victim. They don't communicate, and they will never change.
I was married to a narcissist for many years. NEVER AGAIN. Being with a narcissist is the most toxic and mentally exhausting relationship you can ever have. We were together for a total of 22 years. He would NEVER accept responsibility when he was in the wrong or had made a mistake. He NEVER would apologize for treating me like absolute garbage and deeply hurting me. If an apology was ever about to escape his lips, it would be, "I'm sorry, but you...." and then he would proceed to blame his actions on me. Narcissists are professional manipulators and blame shifters. They will gaslight you to death. They will place the blame anywhere but where it belongs, which is on them. In their eyes, they can do no wrong. It's a level of grandiosity like none other. It truly was the loneliest 22 years of my life. I had fallen into such a deep state of depression and had given up all hope of ever finding happiness and peace. I was too stubborn to leave because I had been with him since I was only 18 and I felt stuck, which in retrospect was so stupid. The only reason I am no longer with him is because he passed away 2-1/2 years ago. For the past almost 2 years, I've been dating a guy who is the polar opposite of my late husband and it has been such a breath of fresh air. We are best friends and I am finally able to live again.
@@jrwheeler81 just read your story and felt like I was reading my story.
I’m so happy you get experience real love again. I also fell into a deep depression ,his response was welcome to my world. I knew than and there if I didn’t get out I would die.
So glad you found love. I can relate to everything you said
I finally decided and walked away from a narcissist man that I was dating for almost 13 years last night. I couldn’t ignore what my heart had been telling me & how much I was hurting and how bad I was treated anymore. Worst, how lonely I was, always feel blamed, and cannot have a deep connection with him. Like not fitting into his world feeling there’s no room for me. Also, he never owned up to anything he did wrong
and he would throw a fit every time!
Seeing that you met a polar opposite man who is also your best friend gives me hope to eventually find a good man. I really hope he is out there somewhere.
@@dotcheung You are so incredibly strong to be able to finally walk away from a toxic relationship of so many years! I wish I had been that strong when my husband was still alive, but I made the mistake of staying for probably about a decade longer than I should have! You WILL find true love! I met my boyfriend when I least expected it! Neither of us expected to find this kind of love. We both had horrible marriages and now we've finally found each other! Hang in there! It only gets better from here! I promise!
@@LilianaKourieh That's exactly how I felt! I had literally lost any shred of hope that I would ever be happy or even content. I was almost constantly being yelled and cursed at, called horrible names, and being blamed for essentially everything. There were even a few occasions where he was physically abusive. If he was having a bad day, that meant I had to have a bad day as well. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells in my own home. He would throw the kind of tantrums that you would expect from a 5-year-old. About a year before he passed, he smashed one of our TVs in a fit of rage and then, of course, blamed me. If he hadn't passed away, I'd probably still be living in total misery!
When I asked for honesty and closure, they said “I don’t owe you anything” and that was all the closure I needed.
Very similar... he said, "What do you want from me? An apology?" and that cleared it all up for me then and there.
Mine said, "I'm not doing a DAMN thing" with emphasize and intentional pain
Mine just ghosted me
Last night I ended & walked away from dating a narcissistic man for almost 13 years. Today, this video popped up in my feed. Every word that Matt said describes almost EXACTLY what I experienced. This content gives me so much peace knowing that it’s not me!!
It's definitely not you!🤗
So glad you walked away. Stay safe and rebuild yourself. 13 years to too long to be someone girlfriend. Ask Jesus to send you a man that wants marriage after you allow Him to heal you.
Checking in on you. It's so hard at the beginning. Hope you are safe
@@SuchAClassicGirl-dx2ip I can’t believe there’s such kindness out there to check on me 😢. Yes, this initial week is freeing but saddened at the same time. Not even a week and this man stopped caring just like that.. but I am more sad that I have wasted so much time on this narcissistic monster & lost a lot of self-esteem.. I am trying to let myself to feel all the emotions & let tell them all out this week. And I have plans to start rebuilding myself - moving into a new space, learning abt self-development, building a social circle, and managing anxious attachment.
@@dotcheung I've been there. It WILL get better but it does suck and hurt so badly at first! Here if you need a friend!
Thank you.
This is absolutely phenomenal content. I was married to one for 23 years. An amazing master manipulator. I always knew something was off. Starving them of energy is the only way and the most empowering thing you can do. Grateful for your brilliance. Sending love and strength to anybody going through this.
Same!! I was with my narcissist husband for a total of 22 years, since I was only 18 years old. He, too, was a master manipulator and would constantly gaslight me. He cheated on me in 2011/2012 with a coworker and then constantly accused me of not trusting him and trying to convince me that I was the problem. It was the loneliest 22 years of my life. I was extremely depressed and had essentially given up all hope of ever being happy again. I was far too stubborn to leave. He ended up passing away 2-1/2 years ago and for the past almost 2 years, I've been dating an incredible guy and am finally loving life again.
One of the most revolutionary things my therapist told me was “your upset may not be the best form of attention for this person, but it’s still attention and if that’s all they can get, they’ll keep poking at you.” Never looked back. I felt horribly misunderstood and wronged, but I was finally at peace by giving them nothing.
Never let them see you sweat!
Uùù8uuùuùuu8⁹
"Peace is closure" this is so true!
That one gave me a smile !
You've hit the nail on the head there. Dealing with a narcissist is so unrewarding.
A narcissist will never see you. So true. Thank you for the emphatic and powerful presentation. Excellent information.
Matthew this was my life for 34 years, when I stood up to him he escalated his manipulation and abuse . He turned our life upside down wouldn’t take accountability for anything, everything you have said is spot on. It’s taken years of therapy to heal and regulate my emotions reclaim back my life.
Same 27 yrs…. Well done ❤
35yrs. Ready to move on now. I am preparing to move on with the rest of my life.
@@karmagirl1614 I don’t understand the behaviour and probably never will
@ don’t waste your time trying life is too short ❤️
Mine has started with threats now I’ve got the house valued and seen a solicitor. He doesn’t like it one bit!
10 years and it's crazy how I never saw any of this until I started watching these videos post-breakup. It's like you are describing her better than I ever knew her.
Their 'sorry' apology you demonstrate is EXACTLY correct. Translated, it says, "please stop talking'.
Except there’s usually no “please”
Because they are toddlers in adult skin suits! They think they are omnipotent!
Exactly. I was married to one. They throw tantrums just like little kids.
@@jrwheeler81my bio parents were like this for 40 YEARS!!! They abused each other and their kids
Peace is closure is something everyone should note. you always want to say more or do more but if you feel peace by not having that person around, then that is enough to move on.
What if you don't have peace from it but they do ? 😢
The strength and determination to live a peaceful life and walk away from narcissists and/or narcissistic abuse is so overwhelming - you have to fight every empathetic thought, feeling, and action that is inherent. It can feel like there is no closure. But having recently gone through it myself, I can say that once you get enough distance physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually (if there were karmic ties), then, when it is safe and you know you won't engage if they reach out, then you can start releasing all of those deep wounds/feelings and process to let go. Narcissistic abuse hurts to your core, so to heal, you have to reconnect with that deep emotional well-being and peace that is our core. And that feels better than closure❤.
My sincere apologies for anyone reading this who is stuck dealing with the narcissist because of shared custody, etc. This probably sounds really watered down. I am so sorry. Hang in there. Praying for you❤
Trying to understand, narcissistic behavior is a waste of time because they make no sense
Exactly! Once, in exasperation, after being told I needed to be more understanding, I exploded to the narcissistic “I am the most understanding person you have ever met in your life!!!” his only reply was. “I know that” 🙄🥱
This is so true!
Yes. Which is probably why he hollered at me that I have no empathy. Yeah, it’s pretty hard to provide any empathy and understanding to someone who makes no logical sense. I really don’t understand them.
Actually, I was much better able to deal with my mother when I understood a few things. #1. Narcissists are as selfish as people come, so if my mother can do something that will slightly benefit her, even if it will destroy somebody else who has never hurt her, she will choose that course of action. This is why it is best to avoid her. #2. She has no empathy, so I can't expect her to change any behavior due to her empathy for me. Instead, I must always convince her that changing her behavior will pay off better for her. This is why I can never expect her to apologize or be kind to me, but I should always find reasons for her to spend quality time with anyone who thinks she is not so bad. The more time she spends with her friends, the more they understand me. I even managed to convince her to move to the same state as a relative of mine who thought every person should forgive their mother, no matter what she does. That person doesn't think that anymore.
It's both sobering and liberating to realize that the 'closure' we so often seek from a narcissist is a mirage, one that keeps us circling the same exhausting loop. What struck me most here is the idea that true closure isn’t something another person grants us-it’s something we find within ourselves by disengaging from the chaos they create.
One insight I’d like to add is that narcissists operate not just as a ‘different animal,’ as you mentioned, but almost like a mirror that distorts rather than reflects. Engaging with them long-term often forces us to lose sight of our own values, needs, and even sense of reality as we try to reconcile their behavior with our expectations. The real work, then, isn’t just walking away but rebuilding trust in our own perceptions.
Closure, in this context, is not a moment of clarity with them-it’s reclaiming the clarity within ourselves.
Beautifully put. I was just thinking that leaving them is an act or the ultimate act of trusting your perspective and your perceptions. It’s doubting your perception that causes you to stay in it. I think the question that I need to ask myself and a lot of us need to ask ourselves, is, when has not trusting your perception ever been a good way to go? When does that ever work out well? My heart bleeds for everybody in the comment section my heart bleeds for myself, so many wasted years. So many memories of experiences that groomed me to become a person who was easy to manipulate. Isn’t it amazing how some of us find the strength? Here we are in the comment section cheering each other on. Bless all of you out there, being the change makers.
Amazing and so accurate
8 weeks out of 10 yrs
Emotional rollercoaster
I’m praying for strength to recover
I found Ramani's online course to be really worthwhile and affordable, I paid to be in that program for about five months after I had to get divorced.
I was so embarrassed that the man I married and the father of my child couldn't sit at a table and speak civilly with me. I was in my marriage for life. I felt forced to file and very much didn't want to. The truth is, I should have left much sooner.
There are some really great tools Dr. Ramani provides as well as the community, and being in a program helps limit the work you're doing so you know you're making progress without being obsessive. 😅
💜
After watching every single of Matt's videos in the last year, or two, this one was the most eye opener and 😮. There's no winning, just saving our heart and soul with these monsters.
Matthew that was your best video for me. I won’t spend too much time on my situation but I was married to an absolute narcissist and didn’t know about narcissists or gaslighting. We were married for 27 years 😮 Every single reason you described happened to me. Right down to him becoming the victim! He has a new relationship he started while in the marriage and it’s been going on for 3 years. So I struggle with him finding a new partner and blaming me & speaking ill about me to everyone I used to know. I feel the injustice of having to be the bigger person. However, I won’t give him any supply. Only upbeat responses. He doesn’t care about those because he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about his son. He hasn’t spoken with his son in over 2 years! Yet he lives with a new woman and her son and dog. We were totally replaced. Seemingly easily too. Your last statement hit home with me..PEACE is closure. I could never go back because I have grown and I am not the same person. I am still healing and trying to gain back confidence and trust in myself. My partner is coming. I deserve it too! Ty so much for exactly the video I needed today. 😊
Yes they replace so quickly I was married for27 years too. All the love we gave and our kids are discarded as we see through them. They find more supply. We woke up to knowing that we are not being controlled anymore. We lose financially but we gain dignity and authenticity. We are strong and will always be a good person to others. They won’t good luck well done xxx❤❤❤
It's kinda scary to see how many of us has been going through this. And so how many persons with narcism or narcissistic traits are there and you could possibly run against one again. 😰
It's been six months since I ended it with a narcissist, & I tried to do it quietly and peacefully, so from time to time he still messages me, and let me tell you, every time we speak, I get even more enraged, and he manages to make things worse every single time. There is no winning with these people; they will never apologise or reflect on what they did to you. I literally just took out my phone now and blocked his number; in the process of trying to keep the peace, I'm letting this guy interrupt my healing with more annoyance. I have no plans of keeping in touch with him again, ever!
I remember falling asleep to Dr. Ramani's videos a few months before I built up the courage to finally exit that environment that almost led me into an "unhappy marriage." It was a huge struggle, but I did it. I cannot believe I was still allowing this guy to text me after I already ended it.
Almost FREE and I’m so happy/nervous/scared/excited! All the feelings are flowing! But peace is what I’m really looking forward to! ❤ Sending love and positive vibes to anyone going through this!
In any break up you go through, remember it is up to you to put closure on that and not them. The break up is the easiest form of closure because there was a break. Someone is choosing not to work on the relationship which is the fastest way to get to closure.
There is a caveat to the accountability I can attest to. If it serves their mission, they are NOT beyond using accountability for manipulation. Over and over my ex would leave and blame everything on me, but when he needed me back for supply and attention need pour tears of "I'm sorry", "somethings "wrong with me", "no one ever deserves to be treated the way I did you". He'd even say he loved me so much he was in therapy (wasn't). I'm only pointing this out for people out there stuck in a situation trauma bonded to someone because it's not unusual to be blinded by fake apologies by playing on your empathy.
The same thing happened to me. “You deserve better.” “I don’t deserve you.” “I miss you. I miss us.” Then lying to me and discarding me multiple times to run back to his ex-wife (who also cheated on him and rejected him multiple times). It took me 4 years and him discarding me 3 times to wake up. I’ll leave them to their drama. I’m so glad I’m free and at PEACE.
Yes! I got all of those statements.
Those are shallow apologies with no substantial change, pretty typical of abusers. They’re acting out of self interest, not empathy.
This actually made me laugh out loud because it’s so true. The narcissist in my life was so absurd. Good work, Matthew!
You help me through more than 40+ years of pain and I still have more to deal with . God bless you thanks so much
Over the ten plus years I have been out, I have watched literally hundreds of videos like this one from all of our most beloved experts on the topic. Matthew, thank you for this one. It is so clearly and brilliantly articulated that it is at the top of the most helpful videos I have ever seen.
Hi Matt, by far, one of your best podcasts. I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and the only way I finally got closure aka peace was to get a divorce. Love the final #7 that there is no way to ever understand this person. Well said. I spent years trying to do that and finally realized I never would! Thank you for sharing this powerful wisdom!
I dated one briefly a few years ago… it went on longer than it should have but I was on to him in the final few months, and let him run down his energy trying to get me to come back. I just wasn’t having it but it was fascinating to see him scheming. He would show up at my house with gifts, claim to be so broken hearted and lonely… but no follow through so it never happened.
For the next 3 years about every other month, he would send selfies from the gym with pathetic text messages saying how much he missed me. I would read them all. But. Did Not. Respond. Even. Once. Not once.
And yet it continued even though by then, I had sold the house and moved 1000 kms away. He didn’t even realize it.
One day it stopped - I’d like to think he dropped by with a plant and met the new owner 🤪
Weirdo. Never again.
Took magic mushrooms with my narcissist ex and for a few short moments the psylocibin broke through her ego. It was like she saw me for the first time and apologized for who she was and what she had done. Bu tomorrow, the ego was back and the empathy was once again, gone.
Interesting....
So interesting. I’ve always been in awe of people with highly narcissistic tendencies taking or enjoying taking psychedelics. In my experience it is such a mirror and can be so confrontational. I guess it speaks to the actual integration of the medicine and how that goes hand in hand with the experience itself for growth. What’s it all for if you don’t actually integrate what is shown (obviously they can have a fun element sometimes but you know what I mean).
Oh I had that happen one time. He took some sort of drug and then he said to me that he had taking out his anger on me and I never deserve that. I thought I was gonna throw up, all the pain that I had shoved down for years and years and then suddenly I get this ad hoc apology. Meant nothing
so true I’m rewinding and playing this until it’s cemented in my brain
No 7 tops it off!!!
This was so clearly laid out, spoken so clearly. This could save a lot of people a lot of money on therapy!
The part about shape shifting really resonated with me. I never thought about it like that but that is exactly how my mom behaves. Recently held boundaries and told my mom I’m not buying Christmas gifts for the plethora of adults in our family this year. She was mad and told me I was unbelievable but when I didn’t back down she shifted to trying to guilt me and I still said I’m not doing it. I texted all the adults in the family they all agreed that it was a good plan except my mom who has always felt she had power over me to do what she wanted me to do until now. Thank you for the empowering video this week.
What was also so maddening until I got the revelation that the way I was being treated was how they were treating themselves. Finally when I realized that, I slowly stopped taking it personally and started to grieve and accept that these people won’t be able to see me
One of your most important videos! Couldn’t have come at a better time. Will watch it on repeat to allay my unfounded guilt and my hope that they or I can change the situation. I have to protect myself from the perpetrators because it will happen again.
I’ve been dealing with a discard from a 12 year relationship from narcissist , not knowing and not getting reasons was killing me until i understood that what happened and the way it happened was the closure. Understanding he was a narcisist and going over 12 years picture by picture of all the abuse , that was all i needed
This video is so on point. Hits every nail on the head. The peace of knowing the truth and no longer trying to understand how someone can be so evil, wicked and heartless, is the closure. I have to keep reminding myself that whenever I think I should be able to expect normal human behavior, that I'm not dealing with a rational, empathetic, normal or loving person. These people are pure evil. Praise God for freedom, clarity and closure.
I got closure by getting revenge, revealing them to others, and making sure they can never contact me again.
I thought "yknow, my partners not a narcissist- what a buzz word" but the more Im learning the more I hear EXACT phrases and situations my boyfriend says or puts me through.
I was feeling the same until I was right. Going through it rn it's sooo hard to be away from them but please leave. It will get worse if you stay😢
This has been the most helpful and relatable video that really reflected the reality to me after all these years of healing. Thank you for this.
Nothing more to say. You said it all. When you finally get to this radical acceptance, that’s peace. Thank you Matthew.
This guys nailed it ,a pleasure to listen to. Let them take their own path to the
bottomless pit of self loathing .
I watch a lot of Dr. Ramani’s videos and I stumbled across this one. I have to admit this is exactly what I needed to hear. I watch this type of content to validate and confirm. Honestly it’s just helping me heal. When Matthew said “we are the one that has to be the bigger person, we are the one that has to grow” that’s my reward? I felt those words!!! Even though it does feel unfair and unjust.
My reward will be peace. One day I will look back and laugh and smile at the fact that I even let someone have that much control over me. 2025 will be my year!
That seventh and final point is exactly what has kept me stuck all of these years, and therapy has not really helped me sort it out. The fact that the situation I’m in makes zero sense simply keeps me from moving on. I just cannot believe what happened, how it happened, and how I ended up in the situation I am in. I also want to say that your words and your videos have been some of the most impactful since I’ve been on this journey. Your straightforward way of stating things has been incredibly helpful to me. Thank you.
I needed to hear this exact message today!! I don’t know why I still have hope that he will someday take accountability or be understanding on any level. Unfortunately I have to overcome this urge to make peace with him because we share custody and it will never happen. I get to be neutral and unbothered. Peace will come….thank you for all you do🙏❤️
It's good advice. Don't respond or engage with them. Even if you feel it's cowardly to back down or retreat, simply view it as not being willing to interact with them
You've changed my life in a way nobody else could
This is gold. Simply brilliant, thank you Mathew ❤ I’m dealing with a narcissist right now and the more I walk away the more she pulls me in.
Absolutely true! Unreasonable people will never fully make sense to us.
I decided to edit the comment because I realized that sharing my story wasn't necessary in this context.
It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in experiencing narcissistic abuse-not because I would wish it on anyone, but because it reminds me that healing and resilience are possible. I want to extend my best wishes to everyone who has faced similar challenges; may you find strength and peace on your journey.
I love that, "peace is closure" and may I add, your freedom. Go live your life, grow and meet amazing people!
I related to every second of this. I just got out of a 17 year relationship with a narcissistic woman and I feel so relieved and happy.
Ah I had one. Super connected here with everyone. Just run when you meet a person like that, runnnnnnnnnnn 🎉
Best thing to do is to accept the narcissist for what they are, deal with them at a distance if you must have any contact with them, and move on. They do not see a problem with their behavior and world view, and most of them have developed sophisticated people skills to avoid consequences.
Thank you, Matthew, for clearing simplifying what we' re dealing with with narcissistic...fuckers. It really helps. It is so perfectly accurate and accessible and help you let go.Thank you again
The only closure you can get after a relationship with a narcissist is with yourself. It helps to understand everything they did to you, all of the harmful abuse belongs to them, but it isn’t helpful to stay in the position of the victim. It’s better to understand what role you played in enabling them, how did you attracted and let them into your life, and what were the knowledge gaps that you had that kept them close to you for so long. It better to have a difficult conversation with yourself, take full accountability for the part you played in the drama, and forgive YOURSELF, and heal. That’s the only closure you need.
Very good points. Going through this myself
This is so important, we have to keep ourselves accountable as well.
I’m so very proud of myself for finding the courage to leave a relationship like you’re discussing here. Being with this man, I believe I experienced what it was like being with an abuser. It was the worst, most difficult feeling I have experienced. I found myself in a situation that stole my confidence and self worth. It was devastating, bizarre and very painful. Fast forward three years now. I continue to learn about myself and why I would have found myself in that type of relationship. It has impacted my ability and willingness to start a new relationship in ways I’m trying to understand. I will say that one of the powerful take-away from the experience has been my increased ability to empathize with people who have experienced abuse, especially women, and what a debilitating experience it is. Thank you, Mathew for your reminder about the PEACE we get to experience now. It does me good to hear that message!! Sending support and love to all and any who may need it.
How I apologize for name calling: I’m so sorry I called you mean names during our argument, I just felt so frustrated because I felt unheard. I promise I’ll do better to control my words when we argue. It’s important we maintain respect for each other even when we fight
How a narcissist apologizes: well just don’t upset me then I won’t call you names.
Or "well you were kind of acting like a b- if I'm being honest."
Evil people. I have never been name called in a relationship until i came across my narc husband. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM
Amen. I wish I had known what I was "in" when I was "in it" but all of this makes so much sense and wow, I literally tried everything but I could never be perfect. I am so glad I re-established my boundaries and know my worth. It hurts so bad when someone you love can't love you back the way you deserve.
Yep! Must keep video. As long as I have to work with this woman I am being civil and only communicating with her about essential talk only. I refuse to be the walking apologie for her. I am planing on moving on. I was involved with an A grade Narcissist last year,.. I don't really have any regrets ... As a physical being ,. I hated him. But as a spiritual being I have to thank him for giving me a very valuable lesson.
God bless you! I've never met a narcissist, but recently did...omg so toxic! I was agonizing over telling them how I feel, but I realized on my own it's best not to engage. And you confirmed it ❤
Very effective & clear perspectives presented, Sir! It encouraged me much to finslly leave my Narcissist husband! I desrve a second chance to live my life with peace & genuine joy! God bless & protect you abundantly, Sir!
That is my mother and grandmother. The only two people who were supposed to take for me when I was kid. She threw all her responsibility of her decisions on me since I was like 11yo, were leaving me for weeks since I was 14, she was alcoholic for 20 years, literally made my childhood one big trauma, somehow managed to do it again, when I was 28 and I was still the one doing some actions to fix the communication with her, somehow she managed to leave me in her own dirt again and yet somehow I tried to be in touch with her until I was 35. I will never get an apology, never get the understanding, never get a serious conversation I deserve and somehow I know they will both live in denial until the day they die.
Once I stopped communicating and threw the responsibility back on them, my life is blooming. Thank God for the internet and free informations you can learn and Thank God for the people who share their own stories so you don’t need to waste so much time.
Never ever again!!!
Damn this video really hit home! Ive been struggling for over 12 months, and this video hit the nail on the head, almost no coincidence that i needed to hear this today
Same. I have a closure discussion scheduled with him on Monday. EVERYONE in my life is saying not to do it.
grief opens the heart and grieving is the place where our feelings connect us all on a wisdom level authentically
I had done nothing wrong except be there all the time, suffered push/pull, silence , told things like "deal with it", the discard, the hoover but yet she still expected apology from me. They are so weird and you will never have intimacy
Matthew spectacular video. I understood everything you explained because I am experiencing it all and I now have knowledge to decide how to handle this relationship and the courage to seek peace for myself. Thank you i
This is why when you are on to them, play a wee bit into their game and then ghost and block them and act like they don’t exist when they hoover.
Thank you for validating my feelings🦋
Oh, the timing of this upload. Thank you forever Matthew! Sending love from Nevada 🙏
Now it will makes sense...... Love your content Matthew, it absolutely resonates powerfully with me
I’m in the process of completely cutting off my father. It took me far too long to realize what kind of man he chose to be. Now that I know, he’s been far more aggressive (and somehow still a victim) than before. These people are, as you said, maddening. Still working through forgiving and finding peace. Making good progress but it’s tough.
One of the best description I have heard. All 100% true!
One of the most important videos I’ve ever seen. My heart is broken for so many reasons. I’m about to make a move that’s probably going to estrange me from my brother for the rest of our lives. There’s so much to unpack, so much frustration, so much disappointment, so much loneliness my God… What it’s like to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you so deeply and you’ve never been able to have any repair. How long can somebody keep A relationship like that going? It feels like there are forces out there pushing me in this direction. Like the forces don’t want me to live a lie anymore. It feels like I’m being asked to do some thing that is beyond my strength, but I know that it can’t be, because spirit would never lead me astray. I just wish somebody else could do this so I didn’t have to. But it has to be me. I’m the one who breaks the cycle. let’s just be honest about this, this sucks. The relationship has sucked for so long and walking away and dealing with the aftermath of rage and having to block this person from contacting me, it really sucks. Everybody needs a chance to complain. But I want peace, I deserve peace. It’s what I try to bring to other people. There’s no part of me that deserves to be treated with such brutality, to be so terrorized,so anxious. So there we go, peace is closure. Thank you Matthew
Watching your videos like this helped me realize that I'm married to a narcissist and I regret it and wish I could go back in time to say goodbye before it's too late.
Hope you are OK 😢 x
You know the way I deal with this - and it’s unorthodox but effective - is I numb myself to the potential reaction I’ll give them.. the receipt I get from it.. their need to control me.. so I don’t have to give them anything, but also at the same time having a warm heart, I’ve found the right balance.. and I’ve found mental peace that way, and I think they can tell
Also being negative and bitter helps.. it eases the pain.. makes you bolder and badder.. it’s empowering.. but obviously at the same time having integrity.. it’s a tough concoction to cultivate but it’s effective.. works for me.. lots of people - and I see a lot of ‘em here - cry about it and are unable to cultivate this concoction.. it takes massive patience and perseverance
Part of me thinks only men can cultivate this concoction.. so women will have to rely on the man in their lives to cultivate this so they can feed off of and live off of that, but the best they can do is try and inspire their man to achieve this.. that itself takes intelligence and whatever it should for a woman - only she knows - to achieve this, mostly being a good person and egoless/compromise
Im literally going through all of this right now and it is mind blowing to hear from someone else.
Thank you for explaining this process in a simple and understandable fashion. It makes sense and is life changing!
You nailed it on the head with describing how frustrating it is to be the bigger person to a narcissist who treated you like shit for a long time and then discarded you. It's a mind f**k but you do it because you continue to want peace and happiness even if they try to make it out that you are not a happy or positive person at all. SIGHHHH!
Thank you, I needed this so much. I keep feeling that I owe him closure, but I realize, neither of us will get it because of all this. Thank you!
As well as putting up with the narc's bad behaviour while in the relationship, after you leave them, you will probably be putting up with bad behaviour from people who believe the narc's smear campaigns against you. So, unfortunately, it can take a while to get over a narcissistic relationship.
This is so true 😢 my Ex dragged his feet to get married, then to have kids but once I got the part I wanted, the narc came out & a lawyer identified it 😮 definitely energy vampire, toxic & suck all the funds out of everything… don’t care about anyone… created scenario’s so he can play hero or you’re right- & worse- the victim… it’s terrible 😒- nothing makes sense, ever! Too bad the laws aren’t aligned to help disengage when married with kids… it puts you into a situation where you’re hurt, embarrassed and angry… but at least you know now - I agree, choose peace ☮️ ❤ Thank you Matthew 🙏
💥Peace Is Closure💥
Honestly trying to be the bigger person in some situations is hard.
Relationship with my ex ended horribly. A fair amount of disrespect from her towards myself.
I wished her well, said I didn’t want to stay in contact and removed myself completely.
About once a week she comes into my work. Avoids everyone else, aims straight for me and initiates a convo. Asking me about my family etc. Like we are pals and nothing happened
If I lose it and call her out. I’m still “sensitive” and “emotional”.
If I stay calm and respectful it shows I’m cool with her actions.
Im at peace now and ultimately it doesn’t affect me. But it would be nice not to deal with her at my workplace. Colleagues all making jokes after. It’s just super weird
Try a restraining order
@
That feels extreme imo 😂😂
I have to work with mine too. Horrible. I can’t totally escape him. And he lives in walking distance.
@@lisaaube3139 exact same as me 😂😂
I learned this the hard way (my ex was an alcoholic narcissist that I was with coming up on 2 years ago) healing from this is truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with.
Brilliant video
I was married to a narcissist for 5 years. When I was feeling that the marriage was in trouble, I slaughtered counseling. Once I put in boundaries he didn’t like it he left.
I then needed to get an IVO against him for my safety
That was over 20 years ago and I have peace and that was my closure
Not sure that I will ever find a guy who is emotionally healthy, as the ptsd from the marriage s still having an impact
Thanks Matthew for your videos, they are very healing 🤗
Matt you have no idea how helpful this is been! I can now, stop going back in my mind, and rewind rewind trying to understand, specially #5 at this point but I guess never saw it or understood so clearly as today with you in all your points!! Thank you so so much!
After 3 years of my story, this week I still got one “thing” I guess trying to see if “I engage” and you uncovered that up so clearly! Thank you thank you. I just going to save your video forever in my playlist just to play it again when is need it!
Love your work, how you analyze and explain everything! God Bless you!
I enjoy your videos. I watch them because I’m entering the dating scene after a 10 year relationship. But I was able to relate to this video because I grew up with a narcissistic mother and watched her ruin my fathers life. You just described her perfectly. I don’t speak to her and have no intention of ever speaking to her. My greatest fear about dating is getting into a relationship with narcissist.
This was the best video EVER! Especially the last 5 minutes.
All clear
My mother is an aging narcissist
And I still have been susceptible in my life to a couple of narcissistic men. The first being my ex who I had children with who then abandoned our kids through leaving the country and sporadic attention. My kids learned to shut him out then completely. The worst was he didn’t get EVER what his leaving the US and going to the UK did to our boys at 6 and 4 years of age.
Folks stay away from these people. They can do the worst - and still deny
He denied that my children could have been emotionally hurt, left or not Ben needed a father.
Run from these people that lack humanity
Your intention and strategy here is on-point! I got out of a relationship with a narc a few years ago because I picked up a book from Barnes and Noble that basically described how to make a relationship with this kind of person work--"Disarming the Narcissist"--and it was soooo sad and bleak I was like uh yeah no I give up. 😂I knew it was speaking truth about the reality of how their brains work and what would never happen and it just brought me to the level of acceptance I needed to just stop trying to make that relationship work.
How did you end it?
Try to open up and get some empathy and acknowledgment? Try to confront and get some closure? You will get rage and manipulation. Remove access and move on is the only way!
So perfect Matthew, thankyou. It's such a complicated dynamic and hearing you put things in a way that values the partner/ex-partners of a narcissist is so helpful.
In gratitude
Cathy
Thank you Matthew. This video was very helpful. You’re exactly correct. I’ll never understand this person, and I need to stop wasting time trying to.