How to deal with NOT getting CLOSURE after a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубликовано: 1 авг 2024
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Remember how they treated you. Notice how they’re not there for you now. That is your closure.
Read that. Then read it again. Then read it one more time. That is the honest truth. 💔
Thank you!😊
It’s so difficult when our people pleasing, peace-keeper parts are in conflict with the parts of us that were left angry or hurt with no apology or closure. It can cause a ruminating loop.
Thank you sometimes that's all the reminder I need.❤.
@@idrawpeopleandanimals😞✨🤲🏾
No contact is closure; you have closed the door on the abuse.
So true. 🚪
that's glib and flippant and dumb sophistry which is wildly dismissive of people's pain and all the emotional resolution that they will never have that they have to grieve for; but hey you made a wildly obvious pun so totally worth it, right?? you are ssssOOOOOO clever >.>
I speak from experience that going no contact does NOT then mean you have closure. You have the end of ongoing abuse, yes, but not closure. How can there possibly be any closure when things were so unrepairable you had to leave altogether, FOREVER. No, closure and going no contact are not the same!
@@MirAndHer I speak from experience too. I went no contact with my mother and had closure. Best thing I've ever done for myself.
@@prismpyre7653 I think you could stand to listen to your own words.
They will NEVER admit any wrong doing. It is impossible ! Not capable exactly !
If they do it's a lie and they show it soon after.
Still the most infuriating thing, its sooo hard to not call them on our on the obvious and blatant lies and gaslighting but I know that they will never apologize or even acknowledge, there is never any closure. The ONLY good option is to ignore them.
They're just trying to get back in.
@@curtisg8700 It is so frustrating ! If they could just give us the " silent treatment " for like the rest of our lives we would be golden !! 🤯💥💯😎
Don't let a narc twist a story to others
"Living well is the best revenge" applies here. The only person you can control or change is yourself.
Not all of us are seeking any revenge. I just want to feel like a whole person again and revenge doesn’t fit into my timeline or how I roll.
@@Golden-Haired-Sif Revenge is a fool's errand because you can never unring the bell. Justice is nice, though; the peace that comes with not caring and moving forward...albeit with some scars.
That's not always true. Try saying that to the family of a murder victim, or the victim, him or herself. Also, there is enough systemic injustice in this world to cause me to take issue with your reasoning just because victims of systemic injustice and biases are not born equipped to deal with the same. Stating that an abused person has that much power is cruel, and you should get off the internet with that nonsense.
@@TheWoodliff We're basically talking about healing from narcissistic abuse by a parent or spouse in this thread.
@@TheWoodliffI agree with you. These cliches are tired and belong on a 20 cent Hallmark card.
An apology from them only comes with hoovering and another ride on the rollercoaster through hell.
If they even apologize. Typically, they'll just call and leave a voicemail, or send an email, that makes it sound like nothing ever happened and "Let's catch up!" or some stupid shit like that.
@@justrosy5 Mine did that, so annoying. Like oh sure I'll just forget all those vile and hurtful things you said and did because I'm obviously just dying to get brunch with you like a couple of gal pals. 🙄
So true, waltzes in as if nothing happened
Incidentally, my closure comes from seeing them reveal how nothing has changed, while my live has moved on.
They don't apologize sincerely because they are not sorry.
They want control, and they are not sorry for wanting it.
"I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" is not an apology.
So true!
For years I wondered why the narcissist was so evil, so when I figured it all out, KNOWING who he really was gave me the closure I needed.
Remember this, anything and everything that happened to you with a narcissistic person in whatever kind of relationship IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is their reaction to your reaction to their disgusting behaviour. Live your life without regrets now and heal. YOU ARE OK. 😊
I think the idea of not having closure in a narcissistic relationship comes from the fact that we want punishment, justice and they can't be punished, so there is no justice. We can't make them accept guilt, we can't win an argument with them... As the Doctor always says, there is no way to have a victory over them. So, in my opinion, the best thing to do is to let go of the desire for justice and punishment. The closure you need is in relation to your emotional dependency and the issues that led you to become intimately involved with a narcissist. Their life is their punishment, let it be.
Absolute truth!
Well said.
Well said. Beautiful
I agree. Your reward is your own healing, an education on narcissism, being thankful to God for all you have and the opportunity to begin again!
We let go the desire of justice and in the same time we know that their punishment is in their life?
If you keep going back trying to get closure you just give them another opportunity to hurt you. Leave if you can. Don’t allow them another moment of control, manipulation or lies.
No closure at all. Easier said than done. Just we should be happy with being emotionally not available to them.
It’s not your fault.. Always remember that. Seek professional help if you need to talk…and remember to love yourself above all else.
"remember to love yourself above all else"............. have you considered that perhaps YOU are a narcissistic personality, as well?
@@prismpyre7653why are you so easily triggered and aren’t you a little embarrassed cause I would be
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
I'm sorry for your loss relationship you sound like a great guy I think you deserve better then you think you do hang in there buddy things get better without an abusive partner not with one
Try yoga and meditation. Get control over your thoughts!!! Find another lovely woman. One that appreciates you. Let go of the "ownership" mentality regarding your lost love. Just remember... better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.... AND MOVE ON. When both people are happy, it is a relationship.... when only one person is happy.... it is not a relationship. I don't feel a need to punish my narcs..... they hate everyone and they create their own brand of misery.... I didn't want my young niece and newphews to see the distain and contempt toward me in person. They heard it behind my back, but they realized their dad was cra cra crazy.
I used to want closure. That last conversation. I no longer desire that. I got closure through education on NPD. Once I was aware of the disorder, and the patterns, I reflected on the relationship and everything came together for me. My relationship with the ex Narc was right out of a text book. Narcissism 101. Between education, time, and distance, I got closure. I no longer need closure from the Narcissist. I got it on my own. I also do not want or need his apology. Like Dr. Ramani said, his apology would not be genuine. I simply do not want to ever talk to him again. I even changed my phone number so he would no longer have access to me.
My narc had a major stroke, lived almost totally paralyzed (except that his mind was still there and he knew what happened to him). Lived like that for 9 months before passing. Talk about Karma biting him in ass. He “sort of” apologized before it was over. It was closure.
Yikes! That's some heavy-duty karma in action.
As my friends and I are fond of saying, "Couldn'ta happened to a nicer guy."
10 wasted years. Sometimes I want to beat myself up but I have to take responsibility for not respecting my life. Dr Ramani has helped me to understand a lot about trauma bonding and being in a relationship with a narcissist. He was also an alcoholic. Thank goodness that I was able to not fall in the trap when meeting another one. I am healing and feel that I am winning.
Good‼️ I’m glad karma did its job.
Same thing happened to my Covert Narc mom who I went no contact with 8 years prior. She had the stroke leaving her paralyzed on one side, was in hospice for 7 days and then died.
I didn’t actually find out about her death until 2.5 years later when the NM probate courts ordered my brother to truly make an effort to “find” me🙄…
He tried to keep my 155k share inheritance to himself of course. My only solace of an “apology” was she could’ve written a Will and given her Gold Child the entire estate’s money and she choose not to but split it equally.
But those last days must’ve been torture!
Oh, believe me, closure comes - it's just not always some "happy ending" or whatever. For me, it comes in knowing I don't have to deal with the narc's lies and abuse anymore.
exactly. They love no one. Not even themselves. No need to punish.
They never learn. You can talk to them over and over about an issue and nothing changes. The Red Flags never go away. You have to decide if you want to continue being with this person. More heartaches and headaches lay ahead and it will never get better.
They don’t have to give me closure . My closure is finally having peace from the narcissist .
I took away their control and took my power back by realizing that the only one who can have closure is me .
Yes!
YOU are the one who says," I have closure, because I am ending my emotional entanglement with them unilaterally. "
Each of us can choose to have that power.
Even if you cannot physically leave a relationship, you can choose to leave it emotionally.
YOU have that power. Don't give it to your abuser.
@@ValSMITH-it4lg Sadly even though I took my power back . The narcissist has been hacking not only me but my family .
Imagine this , I want nothing to do with the narcissist that the narcissist hacked me then my daughter then my mother who is 82 and had a heart attack but we all know how narcissists feel no remorse . Then the narcissist hacked my bestfriend who has Cancer . Then hacked my niece who’s sister was from another marriage died in a car accident from a drunk driver . The hacking has not stopped and the police told the narcissist to leave me alone that I have no choice but to press charges for hacking which is highly illegal . Not only hacking . The narcissist has used my name online and has impersonated others to harass me and my family . There is identity theft , fraud .
With a narcissist you cant fix it because narcissists themselves dont know how to work things out or fix things . They do all the wrong things and eventually no one wants anything to do with them and they cant accept the rejection . My total closure will be with the narc behind bars because we all see that the police telling the narc to leave us alone didnt stop the narc .
I still took away their control though . The narc though hacks because they cant accept that the narc made it even more worse by hacking not only me but my daughter , mother , niece and bestfriend while all of them were going through something hard and devestating . Hacking someone like my niece who was grieving shows me that there has to be a mental illness there to do that . Not someone I would want around me or my family that when they dont get their way they do something like that .
Closure can be defined a lot of ways. The self-help industry for years has defined it as having some sort of pivotal, cathartic moment with the person who hurt you. I had a therapist once who kept telling me I felt certain things and then tried to hypnotize me (literally tried to hypnotize me) out of those feelings by engaging in a fantasy show-down. She got all the feelings completely wrong and I don't hypnotize so you can imagine how well this went. But closure can be looked at another way. It's you closing the door on something or someone. It can also be no longer caring. Indifference. Removing that person from your heart, any influence over you, excising that person from your inner voices. That still leaves open room for justice some day if you have a belief system that believes in any kind of accounting in a next life. So many people equate justice with not letting go or revenge or dwelling on things. I think that's kind of immature and simplistic. You can simply put that person and event on your bucket list of things to be dealt with at the appropriate time and place, the justice required column, and still move on with your life. People are so shallow when it comes to issues of justice and survivors. Of course you can live a full, successful and contributory life while still believing justice should happen some day. We do this in the law when we say there is no statute of limitations on some crimes because they are so heinous, such as murder. Narcissistic abuse is murder of the soul. Likewise, there is no statute of limitations on accountability for that. That doesn't preclude anyone from getting on with their life. I've never understood why an apology is considered closure, anyway. In some cases it can be, IF accompanied by a genuine change in the relationship. But narcs never genuinely apologize for anything. So their apologies are meaningless. Quite a lot of people's apologies are meaningless. There are the people who say, "well, they will be miserable; that's their accountability" or "the truth will out." Maybe in some cases, but in general, from what I've observed, baloney. Truth rarely makes an appearance unless someone is a driving force behind exposing it. That's why we have historically had investigators, investigative journalists, whistle-blowers, P.I.s, police, detectives, informants, spies, witnesses, religious leaders, etc., whose job was to ferret out truth -- with very mixed results. Then, if you're Christian (and maybe other religions; not as familiar) you get the "God loves them just as much as he loves you" thing. Which is so not helpful. I think you have to get to a point where closure means, "I know what's true, I know what really happened, I know that my thoughts, feelings, observations and judgments are valid, and I have value and worth regardless of what any person or entity outside of me says, and I'm going to live my life with integrity and authenticity. I'm not going along with anything that doesn't fit with that. If you don't like it, you can move along." For me, that's closure.
DIY closure, I like it!! Create the closure you need, without the need to put your happiness, trust and power in someone who has already shown you who they are, and how incapable they are at taking responsibility.
They'll twist it to make it seem like you were the problem when you ask them for an explaination. Truth is they hate themselves through you. Trying to get closure from someone who lacks conscious is expecting a snake bite not to hurt. Like Dr. Ramani said, they will only apologize when being put in a position where they are forced to such as losing the supply they get from you. All you can do is stop blaming yourself for their character flaws. Just accept that they won't ever change and cut them loose for good. Karma isn't blind to what they really are
She says they don't ever apologize, losing you is a okay for them, there is always other supply, and or they don't mind being to themselves and alone. They don't really like anyone especially as they age.
Most of my life I railed against ALL the injustices in the world and eventually became physically ill. Now there is peace in just having this information. Now I know why. There is healing in this. I'll take this as closure from a life of pain. Thank you so much.
I ended an intimate narc relationship after 7 years. I am grateful I have come away with my life. I am having such difficulty with the closure. I am in fear…not for my life but becuz I chose NO Contact and I fear that person will appear somewhere and I will again, be exposed to their manipulation. It is an extreme challenge to not be looking over my shoulder to see if they are ‘somewhere’. If this person had died, it would have been much easier to move on. By the end of each day I am exhausted from not only wondering what this person is doing, why they did what they did , but why their control far outweighs my ability to control myself.
It sounds as if you're traumatised. Take it easy on yourself. x
@@rainbowgirljules does that mean that I have to go no contact with everyone that this person was associated with because nobody else in my life
It is so hard not to hold on to the highs and the illusions that were presented during the love bombing. Accepting that they will have had supply waiting in the wings is devastating but makes sense in the context of how easy it was / is for them to leave the relationship. I was discarded with no remorse, no empathy, and absolutely no kindness after a volatile one sided argument. It’s horrible, and the hardest life lesson to endure when you believed it was love. These videos are the only thing getting me through a recent break up! Thank you Dr Ramani
You got this. Not gonna lie it is hard even 5 years later. But I am glad that you learned from the one instead of the 3 like me lol. I'm a bit hard headed.
I needed this today 😞 My best friend of 8yrs is Narc/Borderline (diagnosed). Yeah my fault for getting involved. But she went from needing, praising and loving me for years. We were inseparable. But I’m also terminally ill. She knew life would be harder for me eventually . Last night , in a drunken stupor she admitted it’s a pain to take me anywhere . Easier to go with people who don’t need help.
Shocked but not shocked. The more ill I’ve been the more distant she is. So I stood up for myself and reminded her of all the years that I took care of her kids, helped her with groceries and money, basically lived in her home. Came running every time she called and screamed and was crying, and her response was, “Oh well life is different now. Maybe we can see each other every three or six months. I’m involved with other friends and a boyfriend at the moment.”
I was gutted. I am gutted. I am literally dying and my sister, best friend, platonic soulmate just showed me the door. She even told me she wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t talk to her again. As though she was getting rid of trash .
I'm incredibly sorry. I wish you comfort and strength to get you through. And, with hope, a genuine friend who will care about you and love you regardless.
So sad! Hope your health will be stable so you'll be able to heal in every possible way. Life will punish her, believe me.I wish you all the best in the future. Stay strong dear.
Omg, “their mother sent them next door to apologize” 😂😂😂 This is the perfect way to explain how a narcissistic apology feels!! Thanks for your amazing insight Dr Romani ❤
So funny this popped up - I finally JUST got closure yesterday…
Congratulations ❤🎉🎉
And I just realized a couple of days ago that in an attempt to save what’s left of my sanity, I will have to learn to be okay with not getting that closure that I’ve been craving all my life, basically. Works different for everyone, I guess. But I’m happy for you that you got yours though, congrats!
@@lumya9279 yeah the closure that I got was that I was finally able to look them in the eye and face them face-to-face. I’m really share all of my feelings beforehand. I couldn’t even have that so the closure for me was that I was at least able to face them and look at me in the eye. Now it’s just behind me. I feel complete and so ready to move on.
My closure came when I applied radical acceptance to myself and the trauma bond I had with the narcissistic ex husband in addition to his narcissism. God led me to a counselor who helped me beyond my wildest beliefs. I highly recommend counseling to understand why you were drawn to such an unhealthy and toxic person. For me my relationship with God was key. When I realized that the narc required me to make him god in my life I began withdrawing myself from the relationship. But it took counseling to gain the understanding needed to make the Final Cut.
The Final Cut!! I love that, I listened to a sermon today and the Pastor said, God will cut you from that person, HE loves me that much to cut me, as in pruning. I know this person is no good for me. So I’ll take the cutting pain of the end of the relationship rather than being cut from God the only one who truly understands me🙏
I told my "Christian" narcissist Mom "You are your own god".
I don't believe we "are drawn to an unhealthy and toxic person." I didn't know anything about narcissism; at 71, I'd never even heard the word. So I didn't know anything about love bombing. It's hardly possible to recognize something you're not aware of... I always say "the problem with recognizing you're being deceived by another person, is that you're deceived." Your narcissist ex would love it that you blame yourself or can't find closure.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 thank you for your reply. 23 years ago I had never heard of narcissism and didn’t know what love bombing was either. Same with narcissistic injury and rage. I left him at least 3 times early on and returned to him believing he was sorry and that he wanted to change or find help. When that didn’t happen but the abuse continued I left him again for a year but again returned. All through this I tried counseling trying to find out why I stayed or returned to someone who treated me with so much disrespect and belittled and devalued me constantly. The various therapists never mentioned narcissisticly abusive relationships or what a trauma bond was. I knew I had a problem standing up for myself since I was an infant but didn’t understand why. After learning about trauma bonds from my current therapist, I finally understood why and with knowledge comes power. I don’t blame myself for falling for my ex but I had to look within to find the reason I stayed. It wasn’t because I love this man. Love would have left 22 years ago. No, trauma from my first 2 months of life had stamped my nervous system with the belief that this world is unsafe and that I needed someone to protect me. I used to ask my ex when he would say he wanted to protect me, “but who is going to protect me from you?” Check out the book, “What happened to you “ by Bruce Perry.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 I agree. I knew nothing about narcissism but I knew my mother was toxic and abusive. I set out to marry someone opposite to her. And I did....and didn't. I married someone who presented themselves polar opposite. She was anti-social, the guy I married was extroverted. The thing was, he knew about my mother so acted totally opposite but the key point was, they were both narcissists and incapable of loving people. Narcissism presents itself in many forms and I also did not know that. But once I observed my husband's unloving behaviour, and with the help of a therapist to identify traits, I divorced him.
I feel as though closure isnt wotrh it. I don’t depend on reaching actual closure. In fact if I was to try getting closure is going to lead to MORE harm and hurt. All of the damage they’ve done cant be undone. I move on and rebuild as much I can.
Exactly what happened to me. I tried to get closure and instead got very nasty, passive-aggressive message. And in some way it was my closure, as I read it and finally saw what person was behind It. So I just blocked the person for good.
@@nelni4016 Im glad u found the strength and inner peace to walk away and retake your life from them!!!❤️❤️❤️
@@pinkmeadows 💜
I feel the same way
I believe a relationship with a narc is unfair. Always
Perfect example of an insincere apology was from Diddy. He's not sorry for what he did to Cassie and all his other victims like Bieber, he's sorry he got caught.
Yes exactly
@@daykibaran9668
Well said.
Exactly!
Perfect we all should stop seeing the celebrities as superhuman and praise them as god
Worst culture in society is praise the rich so he or she become just inhuman ..
Yep.
Such an important topic and soooo true! It's been over 4 yrs since my ex-narc suddenly discarded me for new supply (just a few days after telling me, "I've never felt closer to you"). I've healed a lot, but the anger hasn't left my soul yet. He quickly moved on to someone else after I told his first supply the truth. His new girl seems so smitten (and he does, too), but I know what's in store for her and I feel relieved it's not me.
How about the lack of closure being your closure? As in, if they won't end things properly and respectfully, that's actually your clue. Their unwillingness is your answer. You're likely waiting and hoping for an explanation that's more soothing, that makes sense, that is just, but the harsh truth is right there in front of you. Their unwillingness to give you even this basic courtesy is all there is to figure out. Don't wait on them to help you move on, they just won't, and it hurts to accept that there is no good reason for that... but to accept it is all you need. As painful as it is, the good news is you can do that on your own, you don't actually need them to give it to you. That's the thinking that helped me get over my narcissist exes, I hope that helps...
I dated a girl who slept around behind my back. We tried to be friends with but she wasnt capable of being nice and used her new man to flaunt in front of me. It really hurt. One day I prayed to God to help me walk away and handle it. Went NO contact. 5-6 weeks later she made NEWS headlines for robbing a church for drug money and arrested for herion possession. Her and the new man went to jail. It was his idea and he drove her there to rob the charity box. I couldn't ask for better karma. 😅 Thank you Lord for sweet revenge.
My mother would openly admit she wasn't sorry but that my dad had forced her to apologize AND that she'd do the same thing over again. Its a pretty easy sort out. Just ask with no emotion.
The closure is shutting the door or hanging up the phone!
Not getting closure has been really difficult. I think because of the loss of other family, blame/shame, and other injustice too. It feels like grief when cutting out a narcissistic parent means losing that sense of belonging to something, even though I know how incredibly unhealthy it was for me now.
when you cut that relationship with the parent did the other family members continue their contact or did that stop too?
@@milica1 He spent a long time on smear campaigns and narratives and they believed him. It was also part of his isolation of me during the worst abuse. I hardly reached out out of fear of anything getting back to him. O had to whisper on the phone. It didn’t help that I didn’t file police reports. Or that both my nephews fathers are officers in the district and I didn’t feel safe knowing it wouldn’t get back to him and I wasn’t safe. Looking back, there’s no short answer to what I’d do differently. I don’t have a car so couldn’t easily go back to file one once I got away. I asked for help from professionals and some other family but everyone had reasons not to get involved. It’s unreal. Professionals who said they didn’t know what to do bc it wasn’t in the district I moved too. It’s a system that doesn’t always protect us. And it’s sad what people do to dominate and control and get what they want.
The closure lies within you, finding your true meaning and not being supply anymore.
Yes, thank you. The best closure comes in not having to deal with all their chaos, drama, and self righteous energy all the time! Leveled up and too strong to take them back is right. So tempting to want to try to explain my position for ending the relationship and how our values are vastly different. But alas, it would be an empty cause. Better to guard my peace and my family’s peace at all costs.
The fact that closure cannot exist in a narcissistic relationship spells out in very sad terms how the fact that a necessary separation between a narcissist and a survivor HAS to occur (because of the essential elements that go INTO what constitutes being a narcissist). THIS is the radical acceptance in a radical move that a survivor makes that is SO emotional and SO grief oriented where so called angels fear to tread. But they must for healing to occur. The narcissist cannot apologize. And the survivor cannot apologize either lest the survivor by doing so further strengthens the all powerfulness of the narcissist.
Yes, this! I’ve stopped apologizing to try and appease the narcissist because it was only empowering him more, in addition to weaponizing my apologies against me. Just like he weaponizes everything I’ve ever told him confidence.
It's the total deception of everything, and the heartlessness that has left me broken.
The lie of who they are,what they want, what's important, and how they feel.
The "feeling" is a big one. No remorse, admission of guilt for the horrible things they do and the fact that there was no love to begin with.
There will never be forgiveness. It hurts too much.
It has altered the way I look at everyone; in my heart, in my day to day choices and in my outlook on life in general.
I hope this lesson in love, will eventually, stop eating me up and I can move forward and live a happy life again.
Right now, my life is shattered, my future stolen.
@@Felix4art192 I’m in the same boat. Currently in the midst of leaving. The betrayal and deception hurts big time. Finding out they are not at all who they portrayed themselves to be is the biggest grieving factor. What compounds that injury and trauma is when others invalidate and diminish our experience by gaslighting us and not comprehending at all.
I got closure via therapy and learning it really wasn’t me at all. It was him all along. My closure also came when after 3 years post divorce I realized I do not ruminate anymore about him or the relationship. It’s a good feeling.
truly looking forward to that day
It will come. Just may take a bit longer than we would like.@meeshellvick6749
If they left your life & you gained peace, you haven't lost, you won & that is your closure.
Honestly the song Closure by Taylor Swift gets this so right. As difficult as it is to accept, closure truly comes from within.
I was weak and stupid enough to stick with my narcissistic mother for years, hoping for a miracle and trying to find out the reason why I’ve never felt she really loved or even liked me. I went back after having a child, feeling my daughter deserved to have a grandmother in her life at least. I’ve endured her criticism , her making fun of me and her little jabs for years, but I’m done. Went low contact, preparing for no contact for the past year. A couple days ago I got a letter from her, telling me how hurt she’s been by my lack of love for my own mother and that she’s „finally decided to let me go, because we will never have a normal mother/ daughter relationship“. But I was welcome to write down everything and tell her what in the world she’s done to deserve this. Tempting of her to offer that - I would love to give her a piece of my mind, but part of me already knows she’s just gonna use this to paint me in a bad light. I’ve already been through this, I’m not gonna make those same mistakes again. So yeah, I guess there won’t be any closure for me, but I’m gonna have to learn how to be okay with that. It’s just not worth the mental torture.
It sounds like you used your child to further hurt your mother. A narcissist would never reach out and ask what they have done.
@@beaglerescue5281 I didn’t use my child to do anything. My child is everything that kept making me go back, despite all the criticising and being made fun of. My mother has always been a good grandma and she’ll continue to be in my daughter’s life if that’s what my daughter wishes. She’s old enough to make that decision for herself now and that’s okay with me! I’m just done with her. She’ll just wave my letter around and tell everyone who wants to listen “See, this is what she thinks of me, how dare she say those (very true) things?” I have already been through this once and I’m too tired to do it all again.
If she had tried to be a loving mother once, we could do so well and actually have a good relationship . I’m not gonna wait around for her to understand that, after calling her out on her behaviour multiple times and her minimizing everything. I have waited long enough, tried everything I could on my part. She wants to let me go? I’m gonna cut the rope to make sure it stays that way!
Oh yes they would, because it would give them a cloak of being the "caring one."
Narcissists wear disguises, that's what love bombing is about.
They cannot be authentically themselves to the outside world, because that would deprive them of future victims.
And many narcissists set up their victims as being the "bad one" so they themselves can appear to be the victim.
lumya,
You are obtaining closure!
YOU are the one deciding to end this harmful relationship by no longer engaging with this woman who gave birth to you.
You are protecting your child, not only from this woman, but also from narcissists she may meet in the future, by giving her an example of what a person with self respect does when confronted with the evil of narcissism.
Good for you!
I have been betrayed and harmed by so many friends, family members and those close to me, and there is never accountability nor closer. It’s maddening but I just focus on myself now. Totally unjust and lots of emotions to process. I’m honestly too exhausted to care anymore. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I feel your pain
You have to know yourself, know that you will bounce back!! When that circus is over,thank god and never go back!! LIVE,LOVE,AND LAUGH like me,every day❤❤❤❤
The worst was the narc sister in law lying about what happened to my brother when she verbally assaulted me. And he believed her and raged at me also because I don’t comply and stand up for myself against their emotional abuse. Then the enablers in my family shame me to be more forgiving when the narcs never acknowledged nor admitted the harm they did to me. I don’t look for closer. I keep my boundaries for my well being. I don’t care what they think anymore. I know the truth. Lots of grief and anger to process, so I use the energy from it to focus on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It’s so hard having both my Father and my brother being narcissistic people. I don’t have many people in my life and it’s hard sometimes being alone but I’m better off and I know it!
Isn’t it better to shower than be in shit filled clothes all day ??
Pick the good for you , leave the shit behind .
How to get closure when leaving a Cult? My every intuition tells me to speak the TRUTH, so everyone else finds the freedom to leave✨💛
Yesterday I was able to set a boundary about how he can talk to me. Thanks to your videos I was an to not engage when the ranting started. The apology he gave was absolutely ridiculous. Using the words I am sorry then following up with you could never live through what I have lived through. I is sad but now I can find the laughter in it at just how childish it truly is
The best revenge is living well.
I got closure after he threatened our teenage son
It was over for the rest of my days, and the toxic entanglement ended in divorce
No Narrcissist dare threaten any of my children
Thank you, Dr.Ramini
A narcissist was once forced to apologise to me by management, but she apologised for something completely different. Not a word about her actual outlandish behaviour and how awful it made life. And she insisted on hugging me.
Exactly! not being there to me is closure....especially when you count your blessings..thank you for your time.
Dr. Ramani is truly an expert, she can read minds of the survivors, every single worry, every single emotion is articulated very precisely and even if I'm in therapy I wouldn't be able to put my feelings down in words. She does it so effortlessly, shows her profound experience in this field. Guess she was born to save us from all the pain inflicted by abusive relationships, she was born to heal us and she does it so perfectly! Thank you for your service!
Dear Dr. Ramani,
Thank you immensely for the wealth of insight you provide to people on this platform who are seeking a deeper understanding of narcissism and its effects.
Please please do a video on the vulnerable narcissist because this type of narcissist is difficult to spot. It is even more challenging to know how to relate to them. I heard you say that the narcissist moves on quickly. I don't see the vulnerable narcissist as one who moves on quickly. Could you please do an autopsy on this type of narcissism? I'd be forever thankful.
If there is anyone else who believes they are dealing with narcissism but still somewhat unsure please give a thumbs up.
I wonder if it could be the vulnerable type. 🤔
Thank you Dr Ramani. What I realized from my experiences from people with NPD or high contrast controlling traits. My need for "closure" was hidden validation seeking. I really didn't need or want anything from them... and based on their lack of regulation and or empathy, owning my own feelings in my own space was the healthy angle to take.
You gotta close the story yourself
That is so god damn true. There is never a proper closure involved. They aren't capable of self reflection and taking their own accountability. It is usually us who end up questioning what the hell happened and taking full blame, while they are already enjoying their life with someone else.
That's what hurts the most. She started with someone new like I don't exist. It's strange how she moves on so easily and blames me for the relationship issues. I feel like I'm the crazy one.
@@clintonnagy1662 I completely understand your feelings. The same happened to me. She monkey branched into another relationship. And few months later, she monkey branched into yet another.
Remember, just like Ramani's book says: It's not you.
@@nickus51 Just hurts knowing the relationship wasn't as special as I thought. I feel stupid for believing her. I know my feelings were real, but she believes I'm the narc and ruined everything. I can't except those lies. Strangely enough she calls her ex a narcissist. I still believe she was stringing him along when she found me. She dumped me, and jumped back to her an old boyfriend #2 from years ago. It's messed up.
@@clintonnagy1662 I know. What she is doing is called projection. They will often blame others of the things they are doing. We are left wondering what is going on, was anything even real, how could we fall for someone who doesn't care about us at all. Honestly, she sounds quite toxic.
Brilliant and timely. Let's get healthy and be OUR OWN closure. 💕
Very well said. Its true that people have died after a lifetime of suffering, and the narcissist lives on.
The closure is the escape with your life.
I worked in Hollywood years ago. Yes, Pretty Woman was NOT originally written as a comedy.
Justice/closure/indifference! Gosh, I love all of these! You are an awesome teacher!!! ❤️
I went no contact when I didn't know exactly what that was. I think I instinctively knew there could be no closure with that person. Just more anguish.
As confused as I was, the relief I felt when I went no contact was palpable. That was my closure.
Thank you doctor 🥰
I’m struggling really hard with this right now 😢❤️
Me too
I was hoping for an apology and some form of accountability, but that's just a dream. What I really wish for now is to find a way to prevent them from causing such pain and suffering to someone else. I don't want closure, I want justice and protection for others. Just because I'm safe doesn't mean that someone else isn't living under their tyranny.
The realisation that you were also the backup plan, no different to the next bed-buddy
I totally vouch with Dr. Ramani about these folks just completely onto the NEXT person‼️ This is to avoid any emotional processing, accountability/responsibility, and self/introspection.
I went OMG that is exactly what happened between me and my narcissistic older sister who bullied me all the years we lived under the same roof. My narcissistic mother and enabler father let her pretty much go unchecked. While I got beaten for other siblings mistakes and had to put up with humiliation and abuse, both mental and physical ( she was so much bigger and heavier than me) from her as well as my parents. She apologized in 1 sentence when I confronted her, decades after we both had moved away and had become parents. Then she began making excuses for her behavior, putting the blame on our mother instead. Not OK. Even back then I felt this was way inadequate. I got over her abuse sometime last year, especially after I heard about her severe migraine, and I saw how much older, tired and drained she looked. She had money but didn't look happy nor did she spend very much on herself..she'd always been miserly and miserable. And I compared my own interesting life, with travel, and a loving husband who made me laugh a lot, and my confident, normal children with hers. Yes, that was closure for me...of a sort. It did come after 2 decades but by then I didn't even need it very much! I'm amazed at how accurate your predictions are, Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for your time in making these videos. I'm even at peace with myself for getting it this late...I'm 47. It happens when it happens, and the good news is that it does happen. You've still got the rest of your life to live out in peace, freedom and happiness
Again so much true and useful information in just this 10 minute video. I have had apologies that clearly were not meant as they went and did the same thing again not that long after. I think that apology was given at the time as they were worried about me taking the matter further. Their "sorry" is for themselves their own gain and benefit or goals and therefore their "sorry" isn't worth having anyway.
This played out exactly as you explained here with the narc I was with. I appreciate that you explained how we all want closure and how you correlated it with movies and books.
After a very painful process after I found out he met somebody else online from far away... after I completely burned to ashes and surrendered, I consciously dug deep, did the very difficult work and healed a lot within me which is a blessing. The "trauma informed" yoga teacher that works in the prison system in NYC that he conveniently replaced me with is totally blinded and naive, focused on his "beautiful heart and soul" I pray for her to awaken to his abuse and runs!!!🙏🌹
My breakup felt like there was no justice, no closure. I found out they had been lying to me for our entire relationship, and I wanted to meet in person to have a talk about it in person. They kept putting off the meeting, stringing me along for another 6 weeks. I finally went no contact, but never got to let them know that I knew they were lying. They seemingly just got away with all that lying. But my therapist said they didn't get away with it, as I will never be in their life again.
My narcissist just left me after ten years. Total and complete discard. Acts like we were never together. Devastation doesn't begin to describe it. 0 closure. Yet I still love them and if they called me and apologized I'd probably struggle not to go back. That's the curse.
What apology could ever be enough? You’re worth more than words
The good thing is that this curse can be broken. If its recent you're probably still vulnerable, but over time you 'll come to realise that someone who acted like you never were together has no place in your life. The journey is gonna be a good one, I can assure you that 🙏
Great video. Excellent last point, get healthy where you are so strong, you will never take them back
Thank you for helping to heal the wounded. I appreciate your videos so much. ❤
My closure was preparing for him to move out of my house so it would appear to be his idea. In a couple of days he was out, no drama, no contact. When he started harrassing me a few months later, contacting police caught his attwntion. Another type of closure. Being at peace without his BS is also closure. Knowing he had no idea just how prepared I was for his exit is very satisfying and it's possible he's figured it out by now. Ha!
I would argue you are touching here on something much bigger than your usual raison de'etre here--- people are desperate to see desert, to see justice done, even in fiction, because IRL we live in a society that is upside down, where we are all governed and ruled by psychopaths and sociopaths and obviously malignant narcissists-- they are the whole top of the business world, of government (now a subsidiary of the business world), and the administration of the academy, the entertainment industry and sports franchises, on and on... we live in a society where evil is not just not-punished, but rewarded and incentivized, and the majority of us who have some conscience are made to feel gaslit and alone all the time.
My narcissist died in March.He gaslit my son more than I knew and he is treating me much like his dad did now that he's gone. It makes me so angry and I'll never get closure for the new things I am seeing in his wake
I finally shut the door permanently on my Narcissistic family. I only learned three or four years ago that my siblings had this personality disorder.
However, after my only child (daughter) had a baby, I realized she’s a full blown covert narcissist. I did see signs previously like raging, manipulation, devaluing, and an inability to take responsibility and apologize.
We are now estranged after two years of walking on eggshells and trying not to spill the apple cart. My family now consists of my husband only. His family all live out of our state.
Just when I thought I could breathe and enjoy life the rug is pulled out from underneath me once again.
I’m so sorry about your son.
Though i don't wish this on him, but i know that my real closure will come only when my narcissistic ex is dead.
I have thought this one many times . They would finally leave us alone 😔 ...and stop harassing us from even far away ....
Not always true...
I was legally married 27 yrs to a narcissistic man. I had finally left @ 22 yrs. Someone had me read an article;
"The Only thing more difficult than being married to a narcissist is divorcing one."
THIS was True. In addition our divorce took 5 yrs & He died a 9 months after our divorce was granted.
The back lash & aftermath has lasted YEARS! He's been gone 8 & 1/2 yrs now & Im still dealing w the horror & vindictive strategy he left behind. It took 5 years to reconnect & heal my relationship w my sons because of the lies. I discovered he tried using both sons,my ex pastor,one of my brothers & another close person to "Have me it away heavily medicated for my own safety" I was never unsafe, & fortunately he miscalculated some of the people he chose for That meeting.
He destroyed my reputation personally & professionally,(as promised) Hid ALL the money that was both ours,destroyed all our property. I lost EVERYTHING I owned twice after leaving him.
(He made sure I got locked out of our main house & the cottage that I fled to) AND I discovered he lead a double life & had another son while we were still married,that He never told me about. I found out a couple years after he died. I'm STILL facing challenges & finding out things... like his business was a cover for some dark crap.
He never expected I would survive & thrive!
It's been very hard & Ive had to WORK @ recovering my strength.
My biggest regret was staying so long & how it affected my sons.
I thank GOD for seeing me thru & helping heal my sons & my relationships🙏
NEVER give up on yourself
They will vanish like a ghost and you will never see them againe.
The only times I felt like I needed closure was when I had no idea he was a narcissist. Once I gained knowledge about narcissism, I thanked God he was gone. If I'd known about it as a young woman, I would have saved myself years.
He’s not lying to me that there was no overlap, but he’s lying to everyone else. They want so badly to believe him. Of course, they still love him because he’s quite happy with himself while they say I’m a downer.
I don’t believe in closure. My narcissistic family taught me that it’s something I give myself. My acceptance of what is enrages the ex husband greatly. You can’t win with these people.
I cannot believe how perfectly timed these videos come up when my life still feels like there's no closure with my 7 months ago ex who yes has moved on
The disrespect is the closure the abuse is the closure
How do you get closure when they stabbing you and then keep twisting the knife in you to inflict as much emotional damage as possible?
I have been listening to your videos, tmfor about two years now I have been in a very abusive relationship. Very narcissistic very manipulative and the gaslighting was horrible to the point where I thought about taking my own life. In the end my husband 42 years shot himself in the head on January 23. So I don’t feel like I will ever have any type of closure when it comes to this. I’m just trying to MoveOn the best I can. Thank you Dr. Romney, for all of your advice and your help over the past two years. I had no idea who I was married to until I started watching your videos. It’s like the veil was pulled off of me and I was able to see clear for the first time in many many years. And yes, he did find a replacement supply a 33 year old girl young enough to be my daughter. But it seems that that was not enough for him. He needed the main supply in that with me.
I don't expect any closure in a relationship. The more you expect, the more you will be disappointed.
Very Buddhist: Letting go of expectations will set you free. This is because, if you have no expectations, you will never be disappointed. Namaste.
@@arenee118This just sounds like a narcissist expecting their victim to not have a need, and it is unhealthy.
@@NovaPrincess Not unhealthy if you are the one choosing to have no expectations. For example: My sister always tried to bait me into arguments. I learned to lower my expectations because I expected her to treat me with respect. This way, I'm not disappointed when, once again, she baits me into an argument. You can compare this to a narcissist who yells at you every time you ask them to do something so you get to the point of having no expectations because it is easier than having them. In the first, you choose to have no expectations. In the second, you didn't choose it - you were browbeaten to have no expectations. There is a difference. In the first, you have the power. In the second, the narcissist has the power.
What worked for me: going no contact, grieving, practising self compassion, validating my feelings (anger in particular but also sadness), coming to terms with the abuse as narcissists can often try to make YOU the "bad person", and ultimately: forgiveness...
I recommend talking to a professional, joining a support group and reading as much as you can on what narcissistic abuse is, how it can affect you and the ways to recover.
Deep down, narcissists are very insecure people. All we can do is to protect ourselves ❤
In my case, my mother is the one who wants closure or what she thinks closure is. "I hope that you could put into words the things I did that made this terrible time happen." I have explained for years and she always says "I don't understand, can you explain it again?"
I've dealt with loss and a lack of "closure" isn't a problem for me. The real closure is the freedom from them.
My closure was making the choice to end all contact with her, her feelings and words don't mean anything at this point
Is there such a thing as "institutional" narcissisim? For example, organization ABC for whom you work, creates or allows an atmosphere where narcissistic employees thrive.
Everything Dr. R said goes with the terrain. The only closure is that which nature provides in time, like any other injury. Which is the healing of being without that infection anymore.
This video popped up at the right time for me! Thank you Dr.R! ❤
I have 3 different Narssests that I am making my own closer. I purged everything that they gave me and I am moving away. Feels great.
You survived. Forgive and accept yourself - that's the perfect closure!!! True - the peace, the bandwidth, the calm, the end of daily stress - that's the closure!!!!
Narcissistic relationships are karmic!!! As soon as your past-life karma with that person is over, you get out of the relationship - that's a closure!!!! Only peace after that!!!!!
Accountability:
Over the weekend (was triggered by kids pulling toy guns in the faces of other kids) I realised that I don't need to talk to another counselor.
I need to talk to the cops.
A reason for a lot of my issues I realised is due to those two people never being held accountable and this torment that I've never been in a position to tell my story to the people who can actually take action - the police.
What the police do with it, idc.
As long as an official record is made, I don't have to carry these burdens any more.
The relief was freeing to realise that for me it was cops, people who can take action, who I really needed to talk to
I 100% agree with your closing- it takes time and self growth to move away from these toxic relationships.
I remember seeing, visiting, two of my Ex’s, ex wives. That should have been my wake up call. Both looked a hundred years older laser than him and were quiet, both heavy smokers and drinkers who had given up on life. He did this to them, it started to happen to me, but I left. I’m still broken, too tired to really try to get my life back on track. You’re awesome, and I’m strong LL trying. I’m now walking a mile every day with my dog in her buggy, it gives me joy.
I would rather have closure than a narcissistic relationship.
...huh? I think you missed the boat, bud
Closure is when you finally treat a narcissist, after full realization, as an (serving) object and you are fully healed!
Dr Ramani just reenacted P Diddy and his "apology", I assume 😂 hilarious.
Dr. Ramani thank you for your wisdom. Persevering in Prayers Luke 8; 12; 18; Psalms 1-150; 1 Kings 21; 2 Kings 9; Esther 5; 6; 7 👏👑👋🖐️🇯🇲🙏👍🌹💗