Notes from the video: 1: Achieving relationship closure: from rupture to repair - Closure involves mending a damaged bond in a relationship and comprehending each other's emotions and thoughts. - Relationships experience a cycle of connection, disconnection, problem-solving, and reconnection. - Shame may arise from losing connection, but it can highlight differing opinions. - Accepting when someone no longer wants to connect is crucial and requires letting go. - Closure can be found by addressing our past selves in the relationship, learning from the experience, and growing individually. 2: The connection cycle in relationships - The cycle consists of connection, disconnection, problem resolution, and reconnection. - Connection brings closeness and understanding. - Disagreements or misunderstandings can lead to disconnection. - Resolving problems requires discussing emotions and understanding perspectives. - Reconnection follows repair, promoting closeness and relationship growth. 3: The impact of shame on understanding disconnection - Shame emerges from perceived wrongdoing or disappointment. - Losing connection can trigger shame, which may feel like personal failure. - Recognizing shame's role in disconnection allows for learning and relationship improvement. - It is essential to acknowledge that mistakes are natural and shame is part of growth. 4: Respecting choices and pursuing closure - When others choose to disconnect, we must respect their decision. - Acceptance may be challenging, but focusing on personal emotions and growth is essential. - Closure involves healing and moving forward, even without the other person. - Learning and individual growth contribute to finding closure. 5: Attaining closure through self-repair and personal growth - Closure may entail addressing personal issues rather than resolving problems with others. - Reflecting on past experiences and learning from them is crucial. - Growth involves understanding personal emotions and thoughts independently. - Closure can be achieved by improving ourselves and adapting to future situations. - Self-growth and healing are vital components of finding closure in relationships. __ Great Video!
@@heidipriebe1 Hey Heidi, thanks for the great content. I was wondering if you could suggest some related reading material ( research articles, books, etc. ) on closure and/or relationship which is as concise and to the point as your presentation of the subject. You break it down quite effectively.
The hardest and saddest to accept and move on from, is when there was no obvious fight or schism or hard split. You just both stopped talking or meeting, either for no reason at all, or for some subtle buried reason that could have been resolved with a few real conversations.
And when you don’t know how to stop yourself from offloading shame in those moments so you also don’t trust yourself to not do it again in the future when you’re having an emotional flashback.
No, it could not have been. Someone who loves you will make an effort to talk to you and work it out. Yes, it can fail but at least they will try. Someone who doesn’t do that has already let go of you and your relationship because it is of no value to them. No one lets go anything of value.
This is by far one of the best videos on this topic! Besides the clarification of terms and what that means, you are the first person ever to describe HOW to give yourself the closure. The concept you just presented is filled with so much helpful insight and practical advice. For the first time ever I feel like knowing what to do in order to find the closure I need to move on. Until now it was a constant struggle between head and heart, a fight inside myself between protecting myself and loving someone who cannot meet my needs. Your concept is compassionate, educating and transforming. Thank you for that!!!
I just hurt so badly over how I hurt this person by not understanding them at all until after the relationship was over. Now I see that they needed to be understood by someone, they gave me the chance and I absolutely blew it. I dont' even want to be back with them, I just want them to know that I see them for who they are and that I am sorry to have hurt them. I hope they feel the same way.
This video is probably saving me right now. A week ago i apologized to my ex boyfriend for my toxic behaviours i projected onto him FOR YEARS, because i understood why he responded to me in a certain way that was harming me. He virtually hugged me, said that he misses me and there was no need to apologize but then he never reflected back those words with a caring action, and through this video i feel like i understood that i was apologising while secretly hoping to gain his forgiveness and also connection but it didn't happen, i don't why (i didn't ask him and he didn't clarified it) and now i'm left with rumination. It's hard to accept that the other person is over you and doesn't really wish for another connection with me anymore....i will talk about it to my therapist as well, thank you Heidi ❤
There's nothing wrong with being up front about wanting to try again without putting any immediate pressure on it. You never know. As a man, I'd have nothing wrong with being pursued.
I am so glad you are addressing this. The amount of rage and resentment I have built up over relationships ending badly with people that have NO remorse, have offered NO amends, and just went on to live happy lives is extreme.
this video was so profound. up to this point Ive really been struggling with letting go of a certain person in my mind. After I finished this video, I feel like I've finally gotten the peace I've been desperately seeking. it's all very sad, but the idea that i will meet this person again in the future in the form of others with similar energy/circumstance etc, and that I will be given a second chance to express myself in a better, wiser, healthier version makes me want to not wallow in thoughts of shame or obsession. Instead, I feel hopeful and obligated to start to actively work on myself and be the better person, starting right this moment. thanks Heidi. : )
My mind is completely blown away with how insightful this video is. I am doing shadow work and grief work after a relationship ended poorly. I’m grateful to receive this knowledge. Thank you
This is so informative. I broke up with my gf last night on what was our one month anniversary. We spent so much time together that she wanted some time apart. I got sick and after two days she reverted back to her typical logical thought process. Four days later, she told me she no longer had feelings for me but that it wasn’t my fault- she is just too logical and emotions aren’t easy to keep. I asked her if she was willing to put in the work to one day be connected. She said she felt like we are prolonging a breakup. Once I could no longer repair, and seek resolution with her, I ended it. It’s so hard to have connected so well with someone and they flip on a dime but make it a problem you both can solve, only she doesn’t see hope in solving it.
I lost a parent recently-ish, so this video was extremely triggering for me (I teared up at what the shaman told you). And yet very healing towards the end too. Thank you for every thing you do.
I just burst into tears once you start to talk about what if the other people won’t be able to show up and provide the opportunity to mirror my new self. That is so painful 😢
this has got to be one of your best videos (i’ve listened to every one of them!) thank you, that was extremely inspiring and helpful. and healing. i’m so thankful i found this channel. i love you so much. 💛
This is some Jedi-level insight that is beautifully and precisely explained, Heidi, and resonates so deeply with me-the version of me as I am today. This one could’ve very easily not have landed with even the version of myself from last week😉, but I am delighted that I was ready to hear it today. Love your work Heidi, you’ve been on my journey for a number of years. Keep up the amazing and brave work you’re doing, and thank you for this one, especially.
Your videos really helped me when dealing with my Divorce. I was focusing my thoughts and energy all in the wrong places. When I eliminated all of the negative self talk, the finger pointing, and just dealt with the pain, I got the closure I needed.
What an awesome verbal summary of what I just spent a thoroughly painful 9 years by myself w/o a therapist to finally realize the week before my 69th birthday - today. Lol Thank you!!! You are laser clear and spot on with this. All of it.
Thank you so much for your channel. Back in 2018 and 2019 I was in a really rough space in life. I spent all day at work listening to different RUclips channels trying to get the help I couldn't afford to purchase. All the other channels only offered ways to identify the name of what people could struggle with and then said that the solutions to this issue could be solved by signing up for their monthly healing program for hundreds of dollars. So thank you so so much for offering actually healing techniques to the things you discuss in you videos. They are truly insightful and healing. You are doing a lot of good for a lot of people with you channel 💗
Had a fight with my brother, and I tried a re-evaluation stage with him where I tried to assert my boundaries and how I was not ok with his behavior but he basically refused any accountability for treating me badly, and he'd try to spin it as me deserving the bad treatment because I was "annoying" and he was a "tired dad", while at the same time he "feared" that I would ghost him for the second time in our lives, hence me trying to give him what HE wanted, by TRYING to fix the relationship, but it was an all one sided effort and I was all bad (even though I was the hurt party) and he could do no wrong and I was the one left with the shame and had to re-evaluate myself because I probably had autism (so absurd). This video helped clarify things for the first time in a long time. You're right. If he is trying to put HIS shame on ME for HIS behavior, I don't need to take it.
@@mariefricchione437 I'm the one in therapy. He's the one with the sudden rages. I'm curious why I would need to "manage my anger" to "repair the rift"? I am angry because he treated me badly, and I am using that anger to keep my distance to keep myself safe and not put myself in harm's way and/or to assert my boundaries. Anger, in my case, doesn't need to be "managed", it needs to be *used* and not suppressed.
Just wanted to thank you for your work and efforts with everything you have done- just coming out of a high conflict relationship, I had scoured RUclips for the answers for the last 2 weeks until I finally stumbled across your channel. Your expertise, communication, insight and clarity are in a league above every other relationship guru I have ever come across on the internet (I’ve completed it now!). We have spent thousands on couples therapy and none of the therapists gave us even one fifth of the knowledge you are offering. Absolutely incredible work! This is life changing information for me. Thank you for these tools and wishing you all the best for your amazing career ahead ❤
This topic could not have come up at a better time, it's exactly what I'm going through and what I needed to hear at this moment. Super grateful that you've started doing these videos.
Ive gotta watch this again. Ive been trying to pinpoint that sweet spot of what my desire to get closure really is. I have to nail it down. I think once i nail it i can fix it. You mighta shifted my perspective here and might be walking me to the right path. Thank you! Ive been scouring online for info and everyone's videos just talk about stuff im already good on.
Thank you so much for this video, Heidi. I experienced a rupture with someone I became emotionally attached to (and that person became attached to me) last summer and that rupture was very, very painful. I'm still stuck and haven't been able to get closure yet (especially with myself, so to speak) and this video is so timely for me. I'm looking forward to the next one in this series! Your videos have greatly helped me ever since I found your channel a few months ago and I so appreciate your work!
This is gold ❤ recently had a rupture and you put all of the craziness into coherent words that I can reflect and better understand what went on. Thank you so, so much. I'm so grateful to have found your channel 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this video! You have clearly and compassionately explained this process in a way that I finally could understand. My father died when I was in my teens and my relationships have been so dysfunctional and confusing ever since. I have been on a CPTSD healing journey for a few years now, and though this issue has been prevailing, none of my therapists have ever been able to see this like you. I so deeply appreciate you for all your truth.❤🙏
Such wise and helpful advice and strategies once again! I lost my best friend of 30 years 8 months ago, going through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. She dumped her shame on to me in a magnificent way when I needed her to see and support me more than ever. I reached out to repair and request her support and never heard back. I have since been diagnosed with Autism in addition to ADHD and as always I continue to chase self understanding and growth in a way that I can see was directly threatening to her favoured coping mechanisms of suppression and needing to feel superior by appearing in control and 'good' at all times... I simply outgrew her and she was intimidated by that growth... It's been a huge challenge to me in not chasing repair and 'making it right' which is something I've never not done... Holding my boundaries has meant the loss of our relationship. Since then I've reflected so much on the situation but also many years of times she gaslighted me because she was triggered and how I had to constantly mask my true feelings and thoughts in order to maintain attachment with her. Recognising how I failed myself in doing this for a lifetime has been deeply illuminating and healing for me, in a reparenting capacity as I learn to give myself what I had thought that relationship or person had given me. This video is a new perspective that I will use to deepen my work on this learning, and create closure between the person I was then and the energies of my friend. ❤ So i look forward to the next video with the 'nuts and bolts.' 🙏
I can't describe how relieved I feel after watching your video. Realizing that I'm not the only one with the same thought process and especially understanding that the bigger picture is that behind all of our mistakes the best way to understand what went wrong is following the path of our behaviour and how it affected others through their eyes. Its so devastating wanting to communicate those thoughts and feelings to all the people we want to repair that rapture with and them not understanding or even reciprocating our intentions.. thank you for your analysis and your video.
Gurl you preaching forreal on here. Thank you. I was thinking on this very concept earlier today in the context of constructing fiction, which is never really entirely made up. It’s an expression and process of resolving narratives and uniting pieces of our consciousness in the whole of a story. This is so on point!
Wow. You really put the finger on what I've been feeling! And you said it in a way that allows me to process without reconnection to the person that I have been desperately (and pathetically, may I add) craving. I've been stuck in the rupture phase for over a year. I'm on my way out now but this video really put it in perspective so I can really permit myself to heal properly, on my own. Thank you, Heidi.
Soooo good. I have just been through this process so I could relate to every word you said. You are obviously helping many people through our trauma as the comments suggest just that. You have a very gifted way of getting the message across. Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi. Thank you for doing the work that you've done on yourself, and sharing it with us. Thank you for helping us access perspectives we did not know how to access. Thank you for being an example of what we can learn to be for ourselves. Thank you for being a channel that promotes growth and help instead of only focusing on what went wrong in our lives.
Heidi, I want to express my appreciation for openly offering to the world such meaningful truthful and real support and insight. Your videos are helping me so much in my healing process. Bless you dear Heidi💚
Thank you so much for this video. I've been desperately trying to find common ground with my ex. I've been desperate to at least walk away in a healthy, mature, loving way and all I've e received is being completely cut off and horrible things said about me. I've been denied any closure at all and it's torn me apart, this video has helped me process a lot. Thank you
wow, the way you explain everything step by step in so much detail is so incredibly insightful and allows me to really go ahead with myself and my self-growth in much more compassion and love. It's almost karmic and spiritual! But I guess repair and reconnection is all about that.
This is so fantastic. It’s really dense material (at least for me) but the way you speak so measured, carefully and deliberately makes it easier to understand. Thank you.
Thank you so much! This 1 video has helped me immensely in every relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life! That might sound a little dramatic, but i don’t have another way to describe how much this has helped me. I love this channel. Thank you so much!!!
Very good talk today. I tend to assume it is sll my fault and want to apologize and reconnect, you say it so perfectly. Very much looking forward to hearing how to stand up for myself or forgive and repair myself when those from whom I sought forgiveness, recognition, and connection even if I let them walk on me (whether they fully knew it or not), are now unable to be met.
Thank you. I want to keep rewatching this as it's so timely for me. My son's father from my teen relationship 30 years ago has just died unexpectedly. We'd ended badly and he committed such a crime that he only recently was set free from prison. He was so institutionalised that he wasn't coping with life and took an overdose. After all the post mortem results we'll have more information to know if he did it intentionally. I have been shocked by the feelings I have, nostalgia, guilt, anger, extreme sadness. I have to go to his funeral in 2 weeks and want to be strong but it's hard. It would have been inappropriate but wish I could have helped him but we both were so complicated and also the whole situation was too. I'm ashamed that I selfishly was still too scared of him to be kind to him.
I came across this video, because I am helpless over the fact of how I lost my best friend. She didn't died. She just told me in a very unsetteling way, that she needs to take distance and reached her limits of our friendship. It was for me out of the blue. She is in fact dealing with her issues (Borderline, PTSD, and some more) but is officially "done with therapy". The day before I confronted her of an betrayal from her side, that I felt very left alone and isolated by her knowingly. I didnt felt good about it, because you dont expect such an behaviour from your best friend. Especially when you used to solve your problems in a way that was very respecting and loving. So the message came the next day. I give her space, I give myself space to reflect and understand the situation I am facing right now. Two days later I just receive a voice message and no way to answer it because I got blocked. Being cut off in a way that I cant comprehend, hurts. Especially because she told me that I dont deserve being told what I would have to work on, or what I even did wrong. BUT she "knows that I didnt do anything on purpose, that I have a good heart". I am being dealt like a stranger. I didn't got a way of expressing my feelings, thoughts, my intentions, or even apologizing truly about something I wasnt aware of. I felt like a stranger, a monster that ruined someones life. We never had any big arguments, and if we had an issue we listened and made it better. Your video helped me to understand that she dealt with her shame in her very own way and reflected her responsibility of her well-being onto me. Her harsh and disrespectful behaviour at the end makes it a little easier. But at the same time I would have never wished that for my biggest enemies. And even after that I respect her decision, I let her be. Its been a few days now and I came to the conclusion that I still dont feel anything less for her than pure love. I believe that she will find her way in this world, and that she will heal from her traumas. I just wish that for her. We do live this life together for the very first time and also for the last. So whoever reads this, please give people a reason to grow and see themselfes through your eyes. We are all here together to experience. Life lessons come and go. The biggest one I learned this year so far is: If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it. Even tho I would have fighted for any friendship if I'm given the opportunity. Thank you for your content! I am looking forward for more in the future 🥰
I am really glad this is the video that I came back to after taking a 'self reflection/introspection' hiatus. I recently had a rupture with a friend and I discovered that I had apparently either pushed a lot of 'self help/boundary work' talk/babble in such a way that I was coming off as manipulative. I think I'll probably not necessarily take that or ignore that idea, but this video really helped me consider the possibility of whether i need to understand that was the friend's perception, and I need to take whatever shame I felt from that or that they were feeling and sit with that. I think that's the biggest takeaway? Anyway, the bottom line for me is really actually engaging with a sort of empathy, and letting myself work with the version that was perceived/existing during the relationship seems really important. Thank you, I really appreciate your videos.
I just found this video deeply comforting. The bit where you said a person will be with you for the rest of your life even if they have died. I actually feel that about my mum. She died about 10 years ago. I have been having a complex relationship with her for the last decade.
Just wanted to thank you for your work and efforts with everything you have done- just coming out of a high conflict relationship, I had scoured RUclips for the answers for the last 2 weeks until I finally stumbled across your channel - your expertise, communication, insights and clarity are in a league above every other relationship guru I have come across on the internet. I have spent thousands on couples therapy and none of the therapists gave us even one fifth of the knowledge you are offering. Absolutely incredible work! Wishing you all the best for your amazing career ahead X❤
great video as always! your channel has helped me heal just as much as therapy but its even better cuz its free. you explain things in such a logical way, its amazing. thank u so much for spreading such good messages
thank you so much - it gave a lot of clarity - im really struggeling moving on after a bad break up, and please do the shame video - im sure that is an essential part of why...
oh my goodness, this is IT! this is such a treasure of information that everybody should know in order to navigate their relationships. I also suffer quite a lot after a painful breakup and this video is so inspiring! I think it gives everyone hope that we can actually be complete and heal ourselves without the other person ever showing up in our life again, which is so refreshing to know. This is so insightful I am going to recommend this to everyone I know. Thank you for you wok, Heidi!
Wow that feeling you get when your motives are clearly explained. I have followed the path of the break up- remorse - reflect - reconnect to explain n apologize with most of my past relationships and parted healthy , respected , with grace. My behavior wasnt always this during last days of relationship - but after the adrenaline wears off and you remember this person was value to you at one point But- you have guilt for lowering your value and behaviors to match energy. The need to walk away respecfully was painful n constant, and i often thought i was crazy for pushing resolve on the terms of other person. If they were not willing to discuss i would wait or move on, they usually came back around and we could communicate. I know I chose well when getting involved and maybe a part of it is pride, ego whatever. only now am I experiencing reluctance from a person, he will not own his part. His issues are far deeper then the relationship we had- but so were mine when i first met him I refused to acknowledge the red flags ,or even his confession of mental health problems. It was more of challenge, Im thinking. To engage wouldnt end as i wish so finding resolve in spirit will be enough.
This is what I needed to hear and learn about today. Thank you universe... and thank you Heidi for always shedding light on many topics in such easy to understand/digest ways. Very grateful I found your channel.
You are so smart, I love listening to your insights. The concept of dignity is something I didn't fully encompass when my ex cheated and left. Dignity also for me means letting the other person sit with what they've done and be willing to repair what they broke, trust. I was too fast into repair and wanted to relieve my shame of how I could show up better, which is fair, but neglected to honour my own boundaries, and let them know what I can not tolerate. A year has passed and I still wish they would come around and we could square things off, but am also a bit fearful of shunning or deterring her away if she doesn't want to reconnect or be vulnerable. So I'm left with how I want to be in the world and have been practicing authenticity with people around me so I can be fully present in these relationships. The fact that people never leave us, but live on within us is key to repairing what is within ourselves.
I absolutely adore your videos!! I hope you have a very successful career whether you pursue your own private practice and/or continue to make videos on RUclips!! I’ve found an abundance of value in your videos for my own shadow work and healing and relate to a good chunk of your own personal experiences when talking about attachment styles. These videos help me figure out topics I need and want to bring up in counselling and I have a lot of gratitude for the work you put into making these videos 🫶 I am curious if you would be open and interested to making a video on what’re the strategies you’ve implemented to not offload your shame onto others and how to draw boundaries on people not doing it to you? I’m neurodivergent and often times I don’t fully grasp the reality of a concept without real life examples but I also understand not everyone wants to share their personal experiences as they’re personal 😋
Heidi I have watched this video at least 10 times. I had a very important relationship to me end abruptly 4 months ago and I am struggling every day to make progress. I listen to this video when I fall back in my progress. Thank you for making it.
Thank you very much for this video. I heard so many time closure comes from within, but no one ever explain why and how. This information you shared is so valuable for many. I have shared this with my healing community and everyone is impressed by this insight, one that many desperately need.
I really needed this. I've been out of a seven year relationship for four years and I really did feel that cycle. I've been stuck trying to figure out how to get back to feeling okay without having them around to tell me that it is. I've been stuck on rupture. I'm glad to finally have some kind of guidance in this very specific regard.
This is in fact free "therapy" for me. I'm so glad that I have sought out information like this to help me identify patterns of wrong thinking on my part. Your videos are among the BEST I've listened to. Thank you. ❤️
This is the most loving integrating, understanding and forgiving picture you've ever painted for me. Especially as triggered into my fears and developing anxious attachment dynamics bc of the hurts o had to endure, I really felt bad about my part in the break up. About not giving space, not leaving soon enough... Although that's just my old childhood thought patterns talking. Actually i didn't do anything wrong - neither him - we were both trying our best. And it still sometimes feels like guilt and failure to me, why couldn't I have been better? And then I wanna apologize again, make amends, reconnect. But I have to respect myself and the space between us. By finding them throughout all my life in different people and bettering myself, making it up... A huge weight now is lifted off my chest. If I wasn't at the gym I'd literally cry in forgiving myself. This perspective gave me hope. Thank you so much, this is a huge step for me and since I started watching your clips, mountains inside me have been moved. ❤
I got very important perspective and got my questions answered. I was struggling for long time to give myself clouser and move on. He moved on long time back after breakup, and left things unresolved between us. Now I know I don't have to reach out to him for clouser, I can have it myself by working on myself and responding in a better way to the similar energies and situations in future. Thank you very much for this wonderful video on such important topic. Indeed it's a healing Video.
Notes from the video:
1: Achieving relationship closure: from rupture to repair
- Closure involves mending a damaged bond in a relationship and comprehending each other's emotions and thoughts.
- Relationships experience a cycle of connection, disconnection, problem-solving, and reconnection.
- Shame may arise from losing connection, but it can highlight differing opinions.
- Accepting when someone no longer wants to connect is crucial and requires letting go.
- Closure can be found by addressing our past selves in the relationship, learning from the experience, and growing individually.
2: The connection cycle in relationships
- The cycle consists of connection, disconnection, problem resolution, and reconnection.
- Connection brings closeness and understanding.
- Disagreements or misunderstandings can lead to disconnection.
- Resolving problems requires discussing emotions and understanding perspectives.
- Reconnection follows repair, promoting closeness and relationship growth.
3: The impact of shame on understanding disconnection
- Shame emerges from perceived wrongdoing or disappointment.
- Losing connection can trigger shame, which may feel like personal failure.
- Recognizing shame's role in disconnection allows for learning and relationship improvement.
- It is essential to acknowledge that mistakes are natural and shame is part of growth.
4: Respecting choices and pursuing closure
- When others choose to disconnect, we must respect their decision.
- Acceptance may be challenging, but focusing on personal emotions and growth is essential.
- Closure involves healing and moving forward, even without the other person.
- Learning and individual growth contribute to finding closure.
5: Attaining closure through self-repair and personal growth
- Closure may entail addressing personal issues rather than resolving problems with others.
- Reflecting on past experiences and learning from them is crucial.
- Growth involves understanding personal emotions and thoughts independently.
- Closure can be achieved by improving ourselves and adapting to future situations.
- Self-growth and healing are vital components of finding closure in relationships.
__
Great Video!
thank you for your notes! ❤
Incredible summary!! Thank you for sharing it!
@@heidipriebe1 Hey Heidi, thanks for the great content. I was wondering if you could suggest some related reading material ( research articles, books, etc. ) on closure and/or relationship which is as concise and to the point as your presentation of the subject. You break it down quite effectively.
@@heidipriebe1Hey Heidi
The hardest and saddest to accept and move on from, is when there was no obvious fight or schism or hard split. You just both stopped talking or meeting, either for no reason at all, or for some subtle buried reason that could have been resolved with a few real conversations.
There's always a reason just one or both sides doesn't want to talk about it and would rather end it
And when you don’t know how to stop yourself from offloading shame in those moments so you also don’t trust yourself to not do it again in the future when you’re having an emotional flashback.
No, it could not have been. Someone who loves you will make an effort to talk to you and work it out. Yes, it can fail but at least they will try. Someone who doesn’t do that has already let go of you and your relationship because it is of no value to them. No one lets go anything of value.
This was me last month. I usually move on quickly but this one hurts slowly and longer
This is by far one of the best videos on this topic! Besides the clarification of terms and what that means, you are the first person ever to describe HOW to give yourself the closure. The concept you just presented is filled with so much helpful insight and practical advice. For the first time ever I feel like knowing what to do in order to find the closure I need to move on. Until now it was a constant struggle between head and heart, a fight inside myself between protecting myself and loving someone who cannot meet my needs. Your concept is compassionate, educating and transforming. Thank you for that!!!
amen
I just hurt so badly over how I hurt this person by not understanding them at all until after the relationship was over. Now I see that they needed to be understood by someone, they gave me the chance and I absolutely blew it. I dont' even want to be back with them, I just want them to know that I see them for who they are and that I am sorry to have hurt them. I hope they feel the same way.
This video is probably saving me right now. A week ago i apologized to my ex boyfriend for my toxic behaviours i projected onto him FOR YEARS, because i understood why he responded to me in a certain way that was harming me. He virtually hugged me, said that he misses me and there was no need to apologize but then he never reflected back those words with a caring action, and through this video i feel like i understood that i was apologising while secretly hoping to gain his forgiveness and also connection but it didn't happen, i don't why (i didn't ask him and he didn't clarified it) and now i'm left with rumination. It's hard to accept that the other person is over you and doesn't really wish for another connection with me anymore....i will talk about it to my therapist as well, thank you Heidi ❤
There's nothing wrong with being up front about wanting to try again without putting any immediate pressure on it. You never know. As a man, I'd have nothing wrong with being pursued.
I am so glad you are addressing this. The amount of rage and resentment I have built up over relationships ending badly with people that have NO remorse, have offered NO amends, and just went on to live happy lives is extreme.
this video was so profound. up to this point Ive really been struggling with letting go of a certain person in my mind. After I finished this video, I feel like I've finally gotten the peace I've been desperately seeking. it's all very sad, but the idea that i will meet this person again in the future in the form of others with similar energy/circumstance etc, and that I will be given a second chance to express myself in a better, wiser, healthier version makes me want to not wallow in thoughts of shame or obsession. Instead, I feel hopeful and obligated to start to actively work on myself and be the better person, starting right this moment.
thanks Heidi. : )
That’s exactly how I feel 💓
My mind is completely blown away with how insightful this video is. I am doing shadow work and grief work after a relationship ended poorly. I’m grateful to receive this knowledge. Thank you
This is so informative. I broke up with my gf last night on what was our one month anniversary. We spent so much time together that she wanted some time apart. I got sick and after two days she reverted back to her typical logical thought process. Four days later, she told me she no longer had feelings for me but that it wasn’t my fault- she is just too logical and emotions aren’t easy to keep. I asked her if she was willing to put in the work to one day be connected. She said she felt like we are prolonging a breakup. Once I could no longer repair, and seek resolution with her, I ended it.
It’s so hard to have connected so well with someone and they flip on a dime but make it a problem you both can solve, only she doesn’t see hope in solving it.
I lost a parent recently-ish, so this video was extremely triggering for me (I teared up at what the shaman told you). And yet very healing towards the end too. Thank you for every thing you do.
This gotta be the best video on the god damn internet. Truly appreciate it.
I just burst into tears once you start to talk about what if the other people won’t be able to show up and provide the opportunity to mirror my new self. That is so painful 😢
this has got to be one of your best videos (i’ve listened to every one of them!)
thank you, that was extremely inspiring and helpful. and healing. i’m so thankful i found this channel. i love you so much. 💛
This is some Jedi-level insight that is beautifully and precisely explained, Heidi, and resonates so deeply with me-the version of me as I am today. This one could’ve very easily not have landed with even the version of myself from last week😉, but I am delighted that I was ready to hear it today. Love your work Heidi, you’ve been on my journey for a number of years. Keep up the amazing and brave work you’re doing, and thank you for this one, especially.
Word
Jedi-level insight is a good way of putting it!
@@acousvnt yeah, ain't it?! Gave me a giggle and put a MUCH NEEDED smile on my face. THANKS @123mymona
Jedi-level?
I needed this months ago, but I still appreciate it now ❤ I felt confused and wronged by my ex, but now I’m at peace.
Your videos really helped me when dealing with my Divorce. I was focusing my thoughts and energy all in the wrong places. When I eliminated all of the negative self talk, the finger pointing, and just dealt with the pain, I got the closure I needed.
What an awesome verbal summary of what I just spent a thoroughly painful 9 years by myself w/o a therapist to finally realize the week before my 69th birthday - today. Lol
Thank you!!! You are laser clear and spot on with this. All of it.
Happy belated birthday ❤
Thank you so much for your channel.
Back in 2018 and 2019 I was in a really rough space in life. I spent all day at work listening to different RUclips channels trying to get the help I couldn't afford to purchase. All the other channels only offered ways to identify the name of what people could struggle with and then said that the solutions to this issue could be solved by signing up for their monthly healing program for hundreds of dollars.
So thank you so so much for offering actually healing techniques to the things you discuss in you videos. They are truly insightful and healing. You are doing a lot of good for a lot of people with you channel 💗
Had a fight with my brother, and I tried a re-evaluation stage with him where I tried to assert my boundaries and how I was not ok with his behavior but he basically refused any accountability for treating me badly, and he'd try to spin it as me deserving the bad treatment because I was "annoying" and he was a "tired dad", while at the same time he "feared" that I would ghost him for the second time in our lives, hence me trying to give him what HE wanted, by TRYING to fix the relationship, but it was an all one sided effort and I was all bad (even though I was the hurt party) and he could do no wrong and I was the one left with the shame and had to re-evaluate myself because I probably had autism (so absurd).
This video helped clarify things for the first time in a long time. You're right. If he is trying to put HIS shame on ME for HIS behavior, I don't need to take it.
You need therapy to manage your anger at what he has done. Until then, you can’t repair the rift.
@@mariefricchione437 I'm the one in therapy. He's the one with the sudden rages. I'm curious why I would need to "manage my anger" to "repair the rift"? I am angry because he treated me badly, and I am using that anger to keep my distance to keep myself safe and not put myself in harm's way and/or to assert my boundaries. Anger, in my case, doesn't need to be "managed", it needs to be *used* and not suppressed.
Just wanted to thank you for your work and efforts with everything you have done- just coming out of a high conflict relationship, I had scoured RUclips for the answers for the last 2 weeks until I finally stumbled across your channel. Your expertise, communication, insight and clarity are in a league above every other relationship guru I have ever come across on the
internet (I’ve completed it now!). We have spent thousands on couples therapy and none of the therapists gave us even one fifth of the knowledge you are offering. Absolutely incredible work! This is life changing information for me. Thank you for these tools and wishing you all the best for your amazing career ahead ❤
This topic could not have come up at a better time, it's exactly what I'm going through and what I needed to hear at this moment. Super grateful that you've started doing these videos.
Ive gotta watch this again. Ive been trying to pinpoint that sweet spot of what my desire to get closure really is. I have to nail it down. I think once i nail it i can fix it. You mighta shifted my perspective here and might be walking me to the right path. Thank you! Ive been scouring online for info and everyone's videos just talk about stuff im already good on.
Loved the last part about meeting them in different bodies. Happens to me all the time, thanks for sharing that Heidi!
Heidi I really appreciate you. For me you represent the real enfp experience. Not the caricature often depicted online.
Thank you- this is exactly the breakdown in working to understand, I needed😌💫💞🙏🏼
The most spiritual video you ever made. I really feel that these relations keep going and going so much! Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for this video, Heidi.
I experienced a rupture with someone I became emotionally attached to (and that person became attached to me) last summer and that rupture was very, very painful. I'm still stuck and haven't been able to get closure yet (especially with myself, so to speak) and this video is so timely for me. I'm looking forward to the next one in this series!
Your videos have greatly helped me ever since I found your channel a few months ago and I so appreciate your work!
This is gold ❤ recently had a rupture and you put all of the craziness into coherent words that I can reflect and better understand what went on. Thank you so, so much. I'm so grateful to have found your channel 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this video! You have clearly and compassionately explained this process in a way that I finally could understand. My father died when I was in my teens and my relationships have been so dysfunctional and confusing ever since. I have been on a CPTSD healing journey for a few years now, and though this issue has been prevailing, none of my therapists have ever been able to see this like you. I so deeply appreciate you for all your truth.❤🙏
Heidi, your commentary is a gift. Thank you.
Oh my God. I'm so honored and grateful for hearing you. It's been life changing, truly. Thank you so much!
Such wise and helpful advice and strategies once again! I lost my best friend of 30 years 8 months ago, going through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
She dumped her shame on to me in a magnificent way when I needed her to see and support me more than ever. I reached out to repair and request her support and never heard back.
I have since been diagnosed with Autism in addition to ADHD and as always I continue to chase self understanding and growth in a way that I can see was directly threatening to her favoured coping mechanisms of suppression and needing to feel superior by appearing in control and 'good' at all times... I simply outgrew her and she was intimidated by that growth...
It's been a huge challenge to me in not chasing repair and 'making it right' which is something I've never not done... Holding my boundaries has meant the loss of our relationship. Since then I've reflected so much on the situation but also many years of times she gaslighted me because she was triggered and how I had to constantly mask my true feelings and thoughts in order to maintain attachment with her.
Recognising how I failed myself in doing this for a lifetime has been deeply illuminating and healing for me, in a reparenting capacity as I learn to give myself what I had thought that relationship or person had given me.
This video is a new perspective that I will use to deepen my work on this learning, and create closure between the person I was then and the energies of my friend. ❤ So i look forward to the next video with the 'nuts and bolts.' 🙏
I can't describe how relieved I feel after watching your video. Realizing that I'm not the only one with the same thought process and especially understanding that the bigger picture is that behind all of our mistakes the best way to understand what went wrong is following the path of our behaviour and how it affected others through their eyes. Its so devastating wanting to communicate those thoughts and feelings to all the people we want to repair that rapture with and them not understanding or even reciprocating our intentions.. thank you for your analysis and your video.
Gurl you preaching forreal on here. Thank you. I was thinking on this very concept earlier today in the context of constructing fiction, which is never really entirely made up. It’s an expression and process of resolving narratives and uniting pieces of our consciousness in the whole of a story. This is so on point!
Wow.
You really put the finger on what I've been feeling! And you said it in a way that allows me to process without reconnection to the person that I have been desperately (and pathetically, may I add) craving.
I've been stuck in the rupture phase for over a year.
I'm on my way out now but this video really put it in perspective so I can really permit myself to heal properly, on my own. Thank you, Heidi.
Soooo good. I have just been through this process so I could relate to every word you said. You are obviously helping many people through our trauma as the comments suggest just that. You have a very gifted way of getting the message across. Thank you.
That’s beautiful. I have connected with this on a fundamental level. Thank you.
Heidi is amazing!
Your tone, your delivery.
You are very patient in teaching these topics.
Thank you, Heidi. Thank you for doing the work that you've done on yourself, and sharing it with us. Thank you for helping us access perspectives we did not know how to access. Thank you for being an example of what we can learn to be for ourselves. Thank you for being a channel that promotes growth and help instead of only focusing on what went wrong in our lives.
This is the best video on relationships I have ever watched, and bears multiple viewings to truly appreciate.
Heidi, I want to express my appreciation for openly offering to the world such meaningful truthful and real support and insight. Your videos are helping me so much in my healing process.
Bless you dear Heidi💚
Thank you so much for this video. I've been desperately trying to find common ground with my ex. I've been desperate to at least walk away in a healthy, mature, loving way and all I've e received is being completely cut off and horrible things said about me. I've been denied any closure at all and it's torn me apart, this video has helped me process a lot. Thank you
This made me burst into tears. Thank you so much for this video!
wow, the way you explain everything step by step in so much detail is so incredibly insightful and allows me to really go ahead with myself and my self-growth in much more compassion and love. It's almost karmic and spiritual! But I guess repair and reconnection is all about that.
This is so fantastic. It’s really dense material (at least for me) but the way you speak so measured, carefully and deliberately makes it easier to understand. Thank you.
The respect I have for you is unimaginable.
I thought I needed closure, but the answers were in other people.
Such a beautiful life lesson!
I’m saving it to rewatch and share with friends!
Thank you for your great work! ❤
This is one of the wisest videos I have ever watched. Great insight!
This information is so solid and on-point, but I’m so tired and ready to fall asleep, but she’s so beautiful that I can’t help but fight it! 😩
So glad and blessed to find the Heidi Priebe talks...Clarifies things so well..
This explanation floored me. Oh my god. It basically explains my whole life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you so much! This 1 video has helped me immensely in every relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life! That might sound a little dramatic, but i don’t have another way to describe how much this has helped me. I love this channel. Thank you so much!!!
Great video!!! Get closure in urself and find new mirrors ❤️
Very good talk today. I tend to assume it is sll my fault and want to apologize and reconnect, you say it so perfectly. Very much looking forward to hearing how to stand up for myself or forgive and repair myself when those from whom I sought forgiveness, recognition, and connection even if I let them walk on me (whether they fully knew it or not), are now unable to be met.
Thank you Heidi. This is the first video of yours that I have watched, and it helped me so much in my post breakup state. ❤
Thank you so much Heidi, this is uncannily helpful and relevant for me.
I can’t believe your level of insight. Such a gift xx
Heidi, this is genius ❤ Needs to be saved and watched at least three times! Thank you 🙏
Thank you. I needed this today. It landed the morning I heard permanent, bad news ❤
Thank you. I want to keep rewatching this as it's so timely for me. My son's father from my teen relationship 30 years ago has just died unexpectedly. We'd ended badly and he committed such a crime that he only recently was set free from prison. He was so institutionalised that he wasn't coping with life and took an overdose. After all the post mortem results we'll have more information to know if he did it intentionally. I have been shocked by the feelings I have, nostalgia, guilt, anger, extreme sadness. I have to go to his funeral in 2 weeks and want to be strong but it's hard. It would have been inappropriate but wish I could have helped him but we both were so complicated and also the whole situation was too. I'm ashamed that I selfishly was still too scared of him to be kind to him.
I came across this video, because I am helpless over the fact of how I lost my best friend. She didn't died. She just told me in a very unsetteling way, that she needs to take distance and reached her limits of our friendship. It was for me out of the blue. She is in fact dealing with her issues (Borderline, PTSD, and some more) but is officially "done with therapy". The day before I confronted her of an betrayal from her side, that I felt very left alone and isolated by her knowingly. I didnt felt good about it, because you dont expect such an behaviour from your best friend. Especially when you used to solve your problems in a way that was very respecting and loving. So the message came the next day. I give her space, I give myself space to reflect and understand the situation I am facing right now. Two days later I just receive a voice message and no way to answer it because I got blocked. Being cut off in a way that I cant comprehend, hurts. Especially because she told me that I dont deserve being told what I would have to work on, or what I even did wrong. BUT she "knows that I didnt do anything on purpose, that I have a good heart". I am being dealt like a stranger. I didn't got a way of expressing my feelings, thoughts, my intentions, or even apologizing truly about something I wasnt aware of. I felt like a stranger, a monster that ruined someones life. We never had any big arguments, and if we had an issue we listened and made it better.
Your video helped me to understand that she dealt with her shame in her very own way and reflected her responsibility of her well-being onto me. Her harsh and disrespectful behaviour at the end makes it a little easier. But at the same time I would have never wished that for my biggest enemies. And even after that I respect her decision, I let her be.
Its been a few days now and I came to the conclusion that I still dont feel anything less for her than pure love. I believe that she will find her way in this world, and that she will heal from her traumas. I just wish that for her. We do live this life together for the very first time and also for the last. So whoever reads this, please give people a reason to grow and see themselfes through your eyes. We are all here together to experience. Life lessons come and go. The biggest one I learned this year so far is: If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it. Even tho I would have fighted for any friendship if I'm given the opportunity.
Thank you for your content! I am looking forward for more in the future 🥰
This was an incredible explanation. Thank you so much 🙏🏽.
I am really glad this is the video that I came back to after taking a 'self reflection/introspection' hiatus. I recently had a rupture with a friend and I discovered that I had apparently either pushed a lot of 'self help/boundary work' talk/babble in such a way that I was coming off as manipulative.
I think I'll probably not necessarily take that or ignore that idea, but this video really helped me consider the possibility of whether i need to understand that was the friend's perception, and I need to take whatever shame I felt from that or that they were feeling and sit with that. I think that's the biggest takeaway?
Anyway, the bottom line for me is really actually engaging with a sort of empathy, and letting myself work with the version that was perceived/existing during the relationship seems really important. Thank you, I really appreciate your videos.
The best video on relationships I’ve watched in a very long time. Thank you.
I just found this video deeply comforting. The bit where you said a person will be with you for the rest of your life even if they have died. I actually feel that about my mum. She died about 10 years ago. I have been having a complex relationship with her for the last decade.
Just wanted to thank you for your work and efforts with everything you have done- just coming out of a high conflict relationship, I had scoured RUclips for the answers for the last 2 weeks until I finally stumbled across your channel - your expertise, communication, insights and clarity are in a league above every other relationship guru I have come across on the internet. I have spent thousands on couples therapy and none of the therapists gave us even one fifth of the knowledge you are offering. Absolutely incredible work! Wishing you all the best for your amazing career ahead X❤
great video as always! your channel has helped me heal just as much as therapy but its even better cuz its free. you explain things in such a logical way, its amazing. thank u so much for spreading such good messages
thank you so much - it gave a lot of clarity - im really struggeling moving on after a bad break up, and please do the shame video - im sure that is an essential part of why...
Wow! I wish I had found you and this particular video two years ago when I began to need this.
oh my goodness, this is IT! this is such a treasure of information that everybody should know in order to navigate their relationships. I also suffer quite a lot after a painful breakup and this video is so inspiring! I think it gives everyone hope that we can actually be complete and heal ourselves without the other person ever showing up in our life again, which is so refreshing to know. This is so insightful I am going to recommend this to everyone I know. Thank you for you wok, Heidi!
Amazing! I never heard it put that way. So many nuggets of wisdom I need to listen to this a few.
On point I was just thinking about it
Youre changing my perception slowly
Thanks from paris
🤯again, everytime. Thank you 🙏 I had to watch this one twice to really let it sit, and used it as an outline to do the work.
My God, the immense knowledge this lady has! Just incredible
Wow that feeling you get when your motives are clearly explained.
I have followed the path of the break up- remorse - reflect - reconnect to explain n apologize with most of my past relationships and parted healthy , respected , with grace. My behavior wasnt always this during last days of relationship - but after the adrenaline wears off and you remember this person was value to you at one point
But- you have guilt for lowering your value and behaviors to match energy.
The need to walk away respecfully was painful n constant, and i often thought i was crazy for pushing resolve on the terms of other person.
If they were not willing to discuss i would wait or move on, they usually came back around and we could communicate. I know I chose well when getting involved and maybe a part of it is pride, ego whatever. only now am I experiencing reluctance from a person, he will not own his part.
His issues are far deeper then the relationship we had-
but so were mine when i first met him I refused to acknowledge the red flags ,or even his confession of mental health problems.
It was more of challenge, Im thinking.
To engage wouldnt end as i wish so finding resolve in spirit will be enough.
I'm so grateful for your videos, thank you for doing what you do
This is what I needed to hear and learn about today. Thank you universe... and thank you Heidi for always shedding light on many topics in such easy to understand/digest ways. Very grateful I found your channel.
Thank you so much. I am deeply grateful and so lucky having discovered your channel.
I needed this, he just deserted me after 6 years on and off. Words aren’t to be trusted anymore. I’m broken but hopeful for the ultimate healing.
omg you hit the nail on the head every time! best RUclipsr out there
You are so smart, I love listening to your insights.
The concept of dignity is something I didn't fully encompass when my ex cheated and left.
Dignity also for me means letting the other person sit with what they've done and be willing to repair what they broke, trust.
I was too fast into repair and wanted to relieve my shame of how I could show up better, which is fair, but neglected to honour my own boundaries, and let them know what I can not tolerate.
A year has passed and I still wish they would come around and we could square things off, but am also a bit fearful of shunning or deterring her away if she doesn't want to reconnect or be vulnerable. So I'm left with how I want to be in the world and have been practicing authenticity with people around me so I can be fully present in these relationships.
The fact that people never leave us, but live on within us is key to repairing what is within ourselves.
I absolutely adore your videos!! I hope you have a very successful career whether you pursue your own private practice and/or continue to make videos on RUclips!!
I’ve found an abundance of value in your videos for my own shadow work and healing and relate to a good chunk of your own personal experiences when talking about attachment styles.
These videos help me figure out topics I need and want to bring up in counselling and I have a lot of gratitude for the work you put into making these videos 🫶
I am curious if you would be open and interested to making a video on what’re the strategies you’ve implemented to not offload your shame onto others and how to draw boundaries on people not doing it to you?
I’m neurodivergent and often times I don’t fully grasp the reality of a concept without real life examples but I also understand not everyone wants to share their personal experiences as they’re personal 😋
Waaaauw Heidi, so much love for this information. Needed to hear that again, thank you🙏. Feels like bringing softness into difficult moments
Heidi I have watched this video at least 10 times. I had a very important relationship to me end abruptly 4 months ago and I am struggling every day to make progress.
I listen to this video when I fall back in my progress. Thank you for making it.
Thank you very much for this video. I heard so many time closure comes from within, but no one ever explain why and how. This information you shared is so valuable for many. I have shared this with my healing community and everyone is impressed by this insight, one that many desperately need.
This philosophy is life-changing. Thank you so much, Heidi. ♥
You genuinely need to know how much this video helped me!! Incredible video.
I really needed this. I've been out of a seven year relationship for four years and I really did feel that cycle. I've been stuck trying to figure out how to get back to feeling okay without having them around to tell me that it is. I've been stuck on rupture. I'm glad to finally have some kind of guidance in this very specific regard.
This is my favourite of your videos so far, probably. Thank you ❤
You articulated this well.
This is in fact free "therapy" for me. I'm so glad that I have sought out information like this to help me identify patterns of wrong thinking on my part. Your videos are among the BEST I've listened to. Thank you. ❤️
Concise, clear language and very instructive. I have so much respect for you and the work you do. Thank you ❤
Heidi, you have made a tremendous positive impact in my life... My healing journey and I thank you :)
Just brilliant! Extremely inciteful and helpful. Thank you! Thank you! ❤
This is the most loving integrating, understanding and forgiving picture you've ever painted for me. Especially as triggered into my fears and developing anxious attachment dynamics bc of the hurts o had to endure, I really felt bad about my part in the break up. About not giving space, not leaving soon enough... Although that's just my old childhood thought patterns talking. Actually i didn't do anything wrong - neither him - we were both trying our best. And it still sometimes feels like guilt and failure to me, why couldn't I have been better? And then I wanna apologize again, make amends, reconnect. But I have to respect myself and the space between us. By finding them throughout all my life in different people and bettering myself, making it up... A huge weight now is lifted off my chest. If I wasn't at the gym I'd literally cry in forgiving myself. This perspective gave me hope. Thank you so much, this is a huge step for me and since I started watching your clips, mountains inside me have been moved. ❤
Love this. Thank you Heidi!
Thank you so much for this. This is priceless.
Thank you so much Heidi 💜
Heidi, this video has to be one of the best videos I’ve seen from your channel! ❤
Powerful. Thank you Heidi.
I got very important perspective and got my questions answered. I was struggling for long time to give myself clouser and move on. He moved on long time back after breakup, and left things unresolved between us.
Now I know I don't have to reach out to him for clouser, I can have it myself by working on myself and responding in a better way to the similar energies and situations in future.
Thank you very much for this wonderful video on such important topic. Indeed it's a healing Video.