My definition of intimacy is when both people meet moments of vulnerability with empathy. This creates a feedback loop we call relationship. When this is consistent the relationship is considered safe. Safe relationships have the capacity for depth.
Pretty good! Hard part is finding people who WANT to see your intimacy and respond supportively with it. Many people only want to see a version of you thats useful for them. Example: seeing you as a cheerleader, not an actual person
You need to learn boundaries and filters to exclude these people from your life. When you meet a new person and they sense you tend to just listen and not share, then the narcissistic people who are craving an audience (and can’t find it anywhere else) will stay in your life, meanwhile the people who relate in a more healthy, reciprocal way will sense something is off with you (too guarded etc) and move along. Before long, you’ll see that everyone that stuck around you just takes from you and doesn’t allow you to start expecting reciprocity.
I have the same issue! I‘ve learned a lot about boundaries, higher standards in relationships, self-soothing, breaking codependent patterns, etc etc. But after several years of this it just seems I keep having to leave more distance between myself and people who just are not interested in any kind of balanced, meaningful relationship. People are sometimes available for fun, or support when they want it, but not to be supportive when I want it. So I end up mostly isolating again.. feels pretty discouraging a lot of the time.
Spot on! In attempt to gain more intimacy with people - I tried to be open and let others be vulnerable with me- but they mostly saw me as a helper/mother/therapist - and pretty much ignored every time I tried to talk about my feelings/struggles - all I heard were stuff like “you’re strong! You can get through” and so on… It felt like I’m loosing my energy - and never received anything from others - so have to isolate (again) to gain some stability and (relative) comfort.
The problem here is that it takes two people to get to that level of intimacy. If the other person doesn’t have the capacity or doesn’t want to go deeper with you, then no amount of studying, communication, understanding, empathy, knowledge and care can get you there… It take TWO people to be intimate with each other.
An expression that I’ve heard is that you can’t steer a parked car. If the other person is not interested in personal growth that’s in them. You can only be responsible for You.
@@Apokalypsepleasethat is not a fact. It can also be that they would like to be intimate but "can't handle it". What you stated isn't a fact, but an interpretation. And while possible, it is also the most negative one. There are many interpretations. The only fact is that the intimacy/vulnerability isn't occuring at that specific time.
I really appreciate this video, I have always had this ability to get really emotionally intimate with other people but I never understood exactly what I was doing. I realized from this video that my ability to be vulnerable and get to the relational level of intimacy helped other people feel more comfortable opening up to me. I appreciate your help in advancing my ability to understand myself and be more intentional in future conversations and relationships.
I feel the same about myself. I think my opening up is kind of a strategy, "lead by example." Problems have arisen when I thought my partner was being as open as I was trying to be, or wanted to be - forgetting that it can be hard, and that they might become spooked by the intimacy that was initially attractive.
Same here - too open too honest too vulnerable too easily for others to feel not ‘spooked’ or overwhelmed or simply not know how to deal with - not very kind i guess and a little self-centred I would say in my corner - i am learning to be more patient and understanding that the others need a much slower speed at the ‘back and forth’
I relate to all you 3 say here. By being a person willing to be vulnerable and “go deep” quickly, (I prefer it) I now see (as a wiser 52 yr old 😉) that I’ve been intimidating to many and have had many pull away and avoid me because of it. It most definitely is a gift that allows me to connect with people who are ready for intimacy and need someone to talk to. It requires growing in wisdom and experience to get more sensitive and kind with it for sure. And humble. Even tho we see the high value in it-it doesn’t mean everyone else is ready for it! They are on their own journey and we have to accept that.
@@kjarneson655 ain't that the truth, I just had a breakup because the girl I was dating felt like I was going too fast and she couldn't reciprocate the time and emotional investment. Anything less in relationships just feels empty and unmotivating. How have you navigated this challenge?
@@nbonasoro sorry-that’s tough. I’ve been married for 32 years now-and honestly I felt like I was beating my head against the wall for so many years…trying to figure out what was going on! It’s so clear now-my husband couldn’t handle intimacy. So feel thankful at least that you’ve figured out a huge key! Honestly, commitment, patience and devotion to keep working on things is required. No matter what your personality types or intimacy capacity…it’s hard to give space for a partner to function so differently and not let it lead to fighting, loneliness and irritation. You both have to be willing to keep trying to be honest with yourself (about yourself) and keep growing and humbling yourself, growing in skills, and self control. Relationships take a lot of work 😉 But a valuable part of this journey for sure. We have to show ourselves and others a lot of grace.
I was really looking forward to hear this, but now it left me more conflicted. My issue is that in my life, people feel close to me or that I really understand them and I don’t. I really dig deep in conversations to get the emotional understanding, and, especially in my romantic relationships, people don’t reciprocate that. I have a thought that maybe they are so deprived of that kind of intimacy that they will just leave the conversation centered on them for as long as I can. And either our shared time runs out, we need to move on, or sometimes I’ll literally express my craving for curiosity of my mind and feelings and I’ll get responses like “I don’t know how to do what you do”. And it makes me really sad. Eventually my emotional battery gets drained, and even though I can self soothe and be intimate with myself, it gets really lonely sometimes, even though I interact with many people. I know I can just meet different people, but the sheer number of people I’ve met and having this issue, it really feels horrible to “dump” relationships for the sake of this, so I keep feeling like I find myself in these one sided intimate relationships. I just don’t want to keep asking people to be curious about me. It’s not horrible, but it sucks sometimes.
I can relate to this deeply. I do think it's a boundary issue where we have to share earlier and more consistently and let there be tension... rather than just delving into another person.
I get this. It doesn't bother me anymore, but I do notice it, the one sided "sharing". I think one thing is, we don't realise how valuable we are, in these interactions or relationships. We think everybody has the ability to be like us, but they don't. They might be married, or have friends, but that doesn't mean they're being listened to, in the way that we listen. So, it's worth keeping that in mind, that you're actually very valuable. Your ability to listen, is gold.
This! Thank you so much for formulating this. I feel more seen and less lonely simply by reading about your experience that sounds so much like my own. Learning how to set boundaries to prevent emotional draining was a huge learning curve for me. But now when I’m somewhat secure in my ability to take care of my own emotional needs and sit with my own uncomfortable feelings, I’m just left with this longing to be curiously examined by someone else who is mature and reasonably secure. Something I’ve literally never had. At first I feared it was an ego-centered thing. But now I realize how valuable this desire of ours actually is. It’s one of the most authentic things about ourselves, I think. It shows we have done a lot of internal work to be ready to build meaningful connections. You’re right, it’s not terrible. It’s just very very lonely at times.
Dang. I'm in the same place. I have this deep yearning to love and know my family and for them to know me....but they all seem fine with surface type relationships. I feel like opening up is a no-zone...and I have so much to ask them and share. It feels like the most painful rejection. My parents have a little bit of vulnerability, but I still feel they too are holding me at arms length. When I open up to them and even share a little about my anger towards them from childhood, it's so weird. It's like they don't know how to respond and I just made it weird by bringing it up. I shared with my closest brother and his wife a few weeks ago about my anger towards dad, who I still love, and neither of them asked questions or acknowledged/validated my feelings, they both launched into telling me I should have compassion and went on with many excuses for him. It shattered me. My family isn't safe to share my heart with and it breaks me up. I do have my husband who's a gem, and safe as all get out, and I have his sister, my SIL. This is hard and I understand what you're feeling. I'm stuck in this conflict as well.
When I came across this channel I was living every minute of my life that was not at work inside of a bathroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but literally, I lived in my master bathroom which is tiny. I Ate maybe once every couple of days, I was sleeping at most 15 hours a week. I lost 20 lbs. I was very good at masking at work, but on my days off I would not see daylight. Since then, I have not only entered into a relationship, but ended it because I recognized that I was measuring my value according to their attention to me, and that the relationship in and of itself was not a healthy place for me or them. They reacted in a volatile way and I truly, from the bottom of my heart did not feel any spite. I don't want to say pity because it sounds so rude, but I felt true pity, pity without thinking down about them. I've noticed that my attachment style is changing, hell I know what one is haha. I'm aware of things I do that are not reflective of how I genuinely feel and I'm taking necessary steps to be as genuine as I can as the situation allows. All of this stems from this channel. I still spend time in the bathroom, but now I feel that I do it for me. I'll wash my face or sew some clothes and listen to videos or music. I don't do it out of shame anymore. I do it to spend quality time with myself. I know it's still a weird place... but I'll get there. I see the path now.
Wow! That sounds a lot like me and one journey I've been on and have my own bathroom which I have converted into a bedroom half bath. Also, I've been able to share with the man ive been with for the last 5 years. We have not been in that back room the entire time. We had about2.5 years in that room. 2.5 years in the living room turned to sort of a bedroom with only curtains not walls. I have done a LOT of inner work and a few thousand tons of healthy healing to be doing better than before. Seven years ago I called this back room/bathroom my sanctuary. But that's a very long dark story for another time l. Now this room is the only way to get some time to make things happen and have the time and space to myself in order to get it all done.😊 Thank you!
I'll never forget when I was at a house party in my early 20s and there were a bunch of people sitting around not talking to anyone. I went to every person and started a conversation and eventually asked them why they weren't dancing or interacting with everyone else. All of them said they were worried about what the others thought. Of course, I've I got the ball rolling the party got poppin! 😂
fear of that interaction showing up as a shame on SM you see elevate yourself and push others down seems to be a trend, looking for the "likes and followers" no accountability in SM and that's a cancer
I agree a 100% with what you are saying. The problem is to find people who can handle what you have to tell them and who can treat you tenderly in the process..I haven't found anyone like that yet. Most people run when you try and show them exactly who you are.
I just don't understand how people are not pleased when you open up. No matter how scary a person might be, when you open up, it is a beautiful thing, as beautiful as the light of God himself
I think that this level of intimacy can take some time, so it depends. You can't just start in on a person at a party with deep intimacy, for example (not saying that's what you're doing) - you do need to feel it out a bit.
Ive learned through years of sharing on the relational level since I was a child, that most people just took advantage of and even weaponized my vulnerability against me (even close friends) to the point where now i rarely go beyond the personal. I do feel largely disconnected from even my own family now.
I can relate to this. One think I've learnt about intimacy is that the vulnerability gives room for hurt. It's hard to hold space for others when you're repeatedly hurt
You put into clear words a feeling ive had for a few years now: Most people really dont ever go beyond "level two" It's true that people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. In short, most people are just shallow. They dont even know what deep is, they don't have the self awareness
I love this self disclosure and vulnerability you display so much. I was raised by emotionally unavailable, completely dysfunctional parents and I learned early in life, as the youngest (and now the only surviving child) to overcompensate and show too much vulnerability too quickly with people. I have spent so much time feeling alone in this ability to be deeply vulnerable. I'm trying to work on setting vulnerability boundaries for myself and juggle the impulse to become avoidant when I set expectations too high with others and inevitably break my own heart in the process. Thank you for what you do here, Heidi.
I've been through a lot in life but never had an issue with Intimacy. Ì actually don't understand why so many people have an issue with it. Generally speaking though it's usually men though that have issues with it.
I'm the dismissive avoidant type, and I want to get to my feelings, and to experience true intimacy, even if it is scary and overwhelming. I want to be ME, which was taken away from me all of my life. I hate to see how society promotes shallowness, how it discourages intimacy, how it rewards and expects to rationalize your feelings away. I truly think we are living in a dismissive avoidant society, and that's a very scary thought for me. But once you see it, you can't unsee it.
What brought you to the realisation that you were avoidant? I thought most avoidant people struggle to see it and dismiss anyone who tries to raise it. Well done to you and good luck on your journey.
@@colinclarke3338 It was a process: In 2019 I had to admit that I was lying to myself, and that I was deeply unhappy. I never had a long term relationship, I have very few friends, and I realized that the common variable in the equation was ME. So I clearly had fear of commitment. Like a miracle, I ended up in a long distance relationship, allowing me to slowly open up. Even though the relationship failed, it helped me so much, I could see how much I wanted true intimicy, and how bad I was in opening up, how thick my shields really are. I had heard about commitment theory before, but explained badly. Once I stumbled over videos like this, it suddenly made sense: What I thought of as my character traits were mostly self-defense mechanisms. And while all of this is scary for me, as it challenges who I really am, I know there is no turning back now. Thank you!
I’m half way and I am honestly blown away. My partner has brought up these points during conflict and I tried but struggled to understand what it means to be truly honest. And almost forcing him to be accountable for how his actions made me feel. This video is giving me tools that may change my relationship for the better. I’m so grateful for this information, it couldn’t have come at a better time.
This is amazing! I love how you pointed out a very obvious problem in our culture - I really think we all need to learn intimacy when we are young and also the skills to heal when our intimacy is hurt- knowing when its ok to be at that relational level and when to be strictly informational is something ive been paying attention to in my own life
Heidi, I so appreciate the depth of your content without any fluff, or selling your audience on likes, notifications, courses, etc. You are the real deal.
Awesome channel. I've been in therapy about ten years, read the books, watched the videos, and know my stuff pretty well. Yet she says things I've not thought through and words things in a clear manner. I even worked on intimacy in a group and this is the most clear explanation I've heard.
14:46 This. So many videos talk about how the other is a narcissist that we need to protect ourselves from. It's intoxicating. I found your videos to be a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
@@davidripplinger8904 What do you mean? I used a figurative language. I think it can indeed be toxic and negative for people to resort to a skewed version of reality in which they are perpetually victims of people wanting to hurt them.
@@SimonBea1Usually when people use the word intoxicating, it means it's exciting and makes you want to keep doing it. It's a metaphor since intoxicated means drunk.
I meant that the videos saying all your problems in life/your relationships came from you meeting narcissists were intoxicating exactly in this sense. You find a quick answer and neglect to work on yourself, just like with drugs.
You know, for someone who prefaced this skill with the confession that they used to avoid intimacy, this lesson was very helpful and well received. Sometimes when something did not come as second nature, it gives us permission to then be beginners at something, to not take the practice for granted, to be even more specific, articulate and formal. And that’s what you accomplished here!
What immediately stood out to me in ghe first 5 minutes of this video is how poetry deals with that third level of intimacy, not just of the self but the environment, others...when people say they dont 'get' poetry or dislike it I often find it correlates to a lack of emotional intimacy with them. I believe poetic literacy is crucial in building up our collective abilities to tap into deep relationality. The essay Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde, covers this in far more eloquent words than I can. The second thing I noticed was how my mind jumped to "what about the somatic!" part of why myself and other neurodivergent people in my circles feel great loneliness, we have discussed together, is that we crave nonverbal, energetic intimacy and many people feel deeply uncomfortable with this form of communication. What I mean by that: lingering together, laying by a tree, tracking animal trails, parallel play (doing activities side by side), creating art together, non-sexual (or sexual) intentional touch, humming, stimming, dancing and singing together. Or even simply existing and noticing the environment in eachother's presence. This level of intimacy is what makes me feel alive and well, and. Often thwre is so much overstimulation and burnout from the environment it gets lost. But i also find that bringing it into friendships can creep people out or make them feel intense feelings towards me, or simulate romance. It is a very romantic/creative way to engage with the world. I've learned to turn myself off/down or mask a lot to prevent weird attachments or rejection and projection. Or to prevent my own super intense feelings from coming out and scaring others away. But as i get older, it becomes obvious i had such bad results because i wasnt careful with who i showed myself to and didn't understand pacing. Its not a bad way to be. Intimacy can have extra barriers for autistic and neurodivergent folks because of shame about the way we experience the world linked to stereotypes, or frustrations others have about us. So its a longer path to weave our own ways of being intimate wirh self, other and world. But well worth it. Thank you!
I also love your concept of nonverbal, or minimal verbal intimacy, or just hanging out, physically touching, playing side by side, just “being” together. I think that’s part of what you are talking about. It’s challenging to figure ourselves out, but this channel helps a lot, & I’ve been working on it for a long time! I’m in a relationship, a year, following bad situations for both of us. IDK where it will go, if he’s an avoidant or just burned & trying to figure out what happened. The hanging out, physical contact part is really nice, but I’m not sure about the long term potential. I am curious, it’s very interesting, and it’s not guaranteed! Nothing really is, to start anyway.
Ooof, goddamn Heidi Priebe has changed my life. Every singles video hits me in the feels. "Other people like to lead with the basement, and what they're actually a little bit ashamed of is the fact that they have like three sunrooms in the back that they don't really tell anybody about. Because maybe those people have a fear that if people knew that I was resources and I could keep myself ok, they would abandon me." STOP LOOKING INTO MY SOUL
Heidi is knocking it out or the park with these videos lately. I plan to re-watch this one with my partner so we ca discuss and practice going deeper together.
There IS a lot of narcissism driven by social media. Radical Honesty is rare but really important. Lots of shame inside people. Thank you for your content!! Especially attachment styles, It's truly helpful for me.
If we don’t dare going deeper and closer using radical honesty, we don’t really get to know people. I’ve come to understand that this is what will bring closer to us the people who are serious and feel comfortable with intimacy and repell those who aren’t. I also think that this is going to strengthen our broken red flag detector, mine need some help for sure!
I think sometimes we think there is a black and white way of approaching relationships, like it is this way, or that way, or that there is an easy fix. Relationships are complex, for everyone, everyone's going to get hurt at some point, everyone's going to hurt, someone, at some point. Even radical honesty will not necessarily repel people that one should not associate with, as they may be radically honest too. Someone can let you know them, and still be a d*ck.
At 12ish I learned that a true friend was one who knew everything about you, and still likes you. I live at that level of intamacy. Level 3 is how I talk. I find mostly other people are refreshed by my candour, some can't handle it, but overall the non romantic relationships I have today are those where we've both become completely vulnerable with each other.
This was honestly the most scary video ever. I’m actually proud of myself for finding the courage to keep listening to your videos, because they call me out in ways that make me feel really yucky at first. Realizing that I have a lot of work to do around intimacy. I think I’m maybe what you’ve called “fearful avoidant”, and the only person I truly feel comfortable around is my husband, who is also avoidant. But I live in fear of anyone ever hurting my feelings. The idea of asking anyone to tell me how they feel ABOUT being in conversation with me right now… that makes me feel like ants are crawling all over me. Like, intentionally opening yourself up to hearing something that might hurt your feelings. That’s a form of bravery that I don’t currently have, but probably do need to work toward developing
Right? And just because I know what my lifelong experience has been with most all the people I ever meet personally, and feeling sensitive and even extra sensitive to the situations I seem to see constantly with anyone and everyone where the same things I have always lived with are happening for them too, I am just surprised that they say only like 5% of people truly are the fearful avoidantly attached....to me it seems like it ought to be more like 80% or something.
Thank you for giving us the layers so clearly. As a person who is FA, I’m trying to really understand how to learn self forgiveness and understanding what steps need to be taken to be a healthy friend and family member. After damaging an important relationship with my chaos, your content is helping me get to the root of the cause and then rebuild in a holistic and thorough way. Thank you so much.
Hey so as an autistic person, I've actually always innately had that curiosity and vulnerability with others except I did not have the self protective measures in place, so doing this has led to a lot of pain. I'm having to relearn how to do this through processing past trauma.
Hard relate, same here, AuDHDer 👋. I've developed skills here through continual education and self work, but it doesn't help others don't usually have these skills so it's hard to find others who have the same outlook and skills...
I know someone in a similar position to you and it makes so much sense why that happens. And it pains me to see. They didn’t know me terribly well but one day they vented to me, and because I handled it well I basically became a second therapist for them. I would be shocked if that’s the only time they’ve gone down that path with someone, and I can see how it’s hurt them over time. I hope you’re doing well and you can establish the healthy boundaries you need ❤
Infj…… feels like being the only person interested in true deep connections. And I’ve done a metric ton of trauma healing. So I see the trauma in others preventing them from wanting to authentically connect, because they remain disconnected from themselves.
" So I see the trauma in others preventing them from wanting to authentically connect, " You don't know what is going on with other people, You will never know, because you are not them, you don't live in their bodies, you haven't lived their lives. Trauma healing does not give you the ability to mind-read. You can only ever really know who you are, and even then there will always be parts to discover. I think intimacy starts with acknowledging that you don't know, anything, about anyone, with being curious.
@@ebbyc1817 I hear you and I agree. Being someone who was deeply traumatized, I have compassion for everyone. I simply long for those connections with others who have arrived also🙏🏻
This test is a load of bullshit.... If you base yourself off those and find someone based off theirs you will never have a good relationship. No different than morons who base it off their zodiac sign
INFJ here too can relate to what your saying, and yet from these videos have realised that insecure attachment and a shit ton of feelings about raw vulnerable intimacy are still present despite having worked on healing trauma for a decade. So I’ve decided to try communicating from the 3rd level with those that I feel are “safe” and see how that goes. The thought of doing that gets me emotional.
Thank you for this video. Tonight while I was journaling I realized the degree to which I've been almost exclusively writing about my day at the informational level. You've helped me go from informational, to personal, and right into relational. It feels like I've just opened a door to a level of relationship with myself that I didn't think was possible. I love your videos and appreciate your work immensely
Me too, my journal is very matter of fact at the moment, it’s like I really don’t want to share my thoughts on paper as I might discover something I don’t like.
These are the words I was missing. Thank you. I'm going through a divorce, and I could never explain even to myself where the rift I felt was coming from. I knew I felt deeply emotionally neglected, and I've pieced a lot of it together on these past weeks, months. But this not only explains it, but also how I managed to stand up and say 'enough'. It was being met with open curiosity and building bonds with others who weren't as scared to meet me at those personal and relational points, while my ex kept running from it, even seeing it as personal attacks. How I ended marrying him is no mystery tho, having been raised emotionally starved. But I'm learning to see it, and avoid staying on 'safe levels', and nurture healthier bonds. I'm not fully able to get into relational intimacy without needing to breathe deeply and calm myself down, but I'm doing it, little by little. I'm so grateful I found people who get it and are okay with being patient with me and my growth.
This woman has fantastic information and experience. For me personally, someone with CPTSD, I do wish there were slight pauses, a breath. My nervous system gets jacked up without it. Thank you for your dedication!
I don't know how it is in the US but in the Caribbean you get punished for being curious so you learn early on to be disconnected. We even have a bad word that is especially aimed at curious people. I have working on being more vulnerable and intimate with my friends theses last few months and I knew about curiousity. Still, I'm impressed how you link everything together so it makes even more sense now. I enjoy listenning to you ❤❤
I am working through grief after the end of a 2 year relationship that I thought was with my soulmate, and I say that completely aware of the absurdity of that statement, as someone who didnt believe soulmates were a thing until the day we both came to the same conclusion at the same time. all to say it was a big deal. Im 2 months in and we're in no contact, and I honestly dont think I will ever hear from her again unless I reach out. I have a yt playlist called "jfc the accuracy" and its meant to be the place where all the videos that I think exactly describe some piece of that relationship either one or both of us or the dynamic between us. almost every video in there is your channel Heidi. this is my new favorite channel. I am watching and rewatching and learning so much and it is really really impactful. it is so helpful to understand to see the forest and the trees, to have lived experience that felt intangible and indecipherably complex and unique be explained from root to stem so fully and so plainly as frameworks of survival and interaction. its so comforting to not feel alone, and there is so much peace in feeling like I can understand and choose differently bc I understand what happened and my place in it and my partners. as a child of chaos understanding is always so empowering
I think a big reason why it’s hard sometimes too is we love to be defensive. I find in my life the people who are more quick to anger are the people who don’t really how to convey what they’re feeling in the moment and this anger can definitely manifest into rage and violence in the extreme but it can also come out as judgements, off cut remarks, can really profit us from seeing the other perspectives around us. Being someone that needs to stew for at the very least an hour or two to process my emotions I have visited that place before, many times. It’s definitely something I need to improve on because my biggest issue is accuracy. I find that sometimes when I say something meaningful, it’s hard to be completely authentic because there are so many dominoes that fell in a certain way that have lead us to the point that we are now. One thing I’ve been working on for myself is trying to become more aware of what my body is trying to tell me. It’s definitely challenging, but I noticed when I feel stress that’s when it comes out the most. I don’t mean stress in the sense of work or a stressful situation. It’s almost like being trapped in a turbulent sea. I’m someone that freezes a lot during conflict and when I freeze I can also feel that sea as well. In a way it feels like it’s trying to find a resolution or escape hatch. It does t seem well adjusted to the climate. I also find that the reason I can feel this way is because I have to come forward as well with speaking about my needs. I know I deal with a lot of these problems still, but I feel like I also have started the work on the methods that you’ve taught about in this video. I just hope that this made sense and didn’t sound like a rambling mess.
Wonderful video! I loved what you said about "curiosity". One of my theories about why people SEEM to not be curious about their inner world is this: It isn't so much that they aren't curious. I think they lack the emotional maturity to see nuance. They get stuck in binary thinking (shame based). They have a hard time stripping judgement away from their curiosity. Also, I find that their curiosity is limited to the "informational" level meaning that they are curious.... but they take what they have learned at face value. Example: Intimacy is hard for me..... so that must mean that I'm just not a relationship person. They can't take their thinking to the next level to ask the question: What about my past made intimacy difficult. They jump to conclusions without ever rethinking their past.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🗣️ Heidi Priebe introduces the topic of intimacy, highlighting her personal journey and its significance in her life. 01:07 💡 Intimacy is defined as being present with someone in their undefended state and allowing them to see your undefended self. 02:16 📊 Introducing the model of "three levels of conversation" used in authentic relating: informational, personal, and relational. 03:41 🔍 Many relationships stay at the personal level, missing the deeper connection of the relational level. 04:10 ❤️ The relational level focuses on the current, in-the-moment feelings and reactions, leading to true intimacy. 05:47 🛡️ Being seen on the relational level is vulnerable, and many people naturally avoid it. 07:12 ⚖️ In conflicts, many tend to use informational statements loaded with personal emotions, making resolutions challenging. 08:34 🧠 Most relational issues can be resolved at the relational or personal level. 08:49 🧐 The key tool for fostering intimacy and navigating relational conversations is curiosity. 09:02 🧠 Being truly curious about another person's full range of experience is challenging yet vital for intimacy. 09:47 🤝 Relational curiosity-delving into someone's real-time experience including their perceptions of us-is rare due to potential vulnerabilities it reveals. 10:55 🔧 Relational curiosity is a powerful tool for building intimacy but requires vulnerability and discernment. 11:53 🚧 Many lack deep relationships due to missing the necessary emotional maturity, curiosity, and vulnerability. 12:59 📱 The rise of social media culture promotes impressing over connecting, making relational curiosity harder. 13:53 🛡️ In a threat state, we focus on self-image rather than staying open and curious. 15:05 🖼️ The drive to manage one's image can inhibit deep, authentic interactions and genuine intimacy. 16:28 💔 Our culture doesn't teach us to process emotional pain, making it harder to be deeply curious about others. 17:50 🌐 Unshared emotions and experiences can lead to feelings of loneliness within close relationships. 18:03 🗝️ Discerning safe relationships and being truly present are essential steps towards deep intimacy. 18:32 🌌 Inviting trusted individuals into our vulnerabilities can foster genuine intimate connections. 18:44 🔍 Developing self-intimacy is the first step; we must confront parts of ourselves we hide. 19:11 🏠 Both the "basement" (hidden vulnerabilities) and "sunlit top floor" (bright aspects) of our psychological house matter in relationships. 19:25 ⚖️ Different people hide different aspects of themselves, be it their vulnerabilities or strengths. 19:52 ❤️ True intimacy requires confronting our fears with trust in mutual tenderness. 20:07 🌪️ A key difference between secure and insecure attachment styles is how one deals with spontaneous feelings. 20:48 🌱 Securely attached individuals tend to be resilient, embracing a range of emotions. 21:17 🛡️ Insecure attachments can lead to rigid behaviors aimed at avoiding spontaneous feelings and possible hurt. 22:12 🗣️ True relational intimacy involves open conversation about our current internal states, allowing for mutual curiosity. 23:09 🔗 Deep connections grow with time and help in understanding humanity as a whole. 23:37 🌍 Many share similar human experiences, but we remain unaware due to our focus on impression management. Made with HARPA AI
This is the best video I've seen on intimate (emotional connection). It's why my boyfriend and I struggle to connect. I'm never present with myself and maybe he's not either. We keep things very informational. I will watch this video with him.
Prior to watching, my initial thoughts. I've been alone almost my whole life. Few friends (that drift apart from moving away or life changes), no girlfriend, etc. I'm used to it, although I wish it weren't like that. I wouldn't call myself lonely per se, but I wish I could find at least one woman who enjoyed my company so I could have a partner in crime to do things with. But the thought of what it takes to get to that point with another person is terrifying. I've had too many negative experiences.
When I heard 'Curiosity' was the best tool to get intimate, I was joyful, whooping and hollering! And then we explored the three levels of Conversation and how difficult Relational Curiosity could get and I was like "Ohhhh.... ohhhhh...." And it was a good "Aha" moment. I know for me I've been incidentally using a lotta psych/self help talk and have unintentionally allowed myself to swing into Emotional Bypassing to state my own feelings when I need to keep working on my emotional maturity to take someone at face value... I've gotten LOADS better from where I started when I started watching this channel, but I enjoy that now I can appreciate each of the steps and refining everything that I've learned. Long Story short... Time to take this level of curiosity of being and keeping self intimacy and using learned skills to find people who are safe and supportive to do so too. Many thinks to think. Thank you!
As an INTP this has always been difficult. I have a lot going on inside but usually push it aside and respond with logic. Especially being terrified of spontaneous emotion. This video is so inspiring! Thank you so much for making your content available and sharing your intellect in such a talented way. You have a beautiful soul.
I think you are exactly right about social media and threat states. It is a big problem. I think that through social media, people form bonds based on dopamine rather than true intimate bonds.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching this. I've longed for being able to be intimate my whole life with the people I love, found out recently that I'm always hiding myself. You made it so simple
I have never heard of insecurity, spontaneity, and rigidity related in a succinct matter like this. Feels like dots have been connected in my brain that have been there for the last 10 years, thank you for this
Heidi I’m a psychotherapist working out of a differentiation model (David Schnarch). Yours is the clearest and most comprehensive presentation of a complex topic I’ve encountered. Thanks for doing it! It also encouraged me to look into my basement more deeply.
This video helped me see how I do struggle with intimacy in certain ways that I hadn’t realized! It seems inevitable that we all likely do in some areas, and will continue to bump against avoiding it throughout our lives here and there. I haven’t been as perfectly open and vulnerable as I pridefully thought I was! I am just more comfortable with depths than many people. When you Mentioned how “Some people are willing to quickly access their basements-but they have sunrooms they hide” (or however you said it) that really hit me! “Sunroom” brought up images for me of how I have come to hide and avoid discussing my successes and talents because I have been hurt by people who appear to feel uncomfortable with me or are insecure-they react weird when I tell them some of what I’m doing and excited about (even a summarized version, when they asked-lol) I now tend to shut down, became over sensitive in assuming people are judging me harshly like a few others seem to have. This video has given me a lot of food for thought. There are some Great basic relational/conversational tactics for my marriage too. So glad I found this video this morning-thank you for doing your channel ❤
Thank you for the great video! The way you break down intimacy makes it less scarier than it actually is. I, for a long time, felt like I had an ego problem. I guess it is related to my fear of intimacy. I am really looking forward to your future videos. I will try to work the intimacy muscle out to the point where I can feel like a full human being, not just a projected image. Your work is really phenomenal and it made me rethink a lot of stuff and sometimes brought some parts of me that I didn't know about so I hope your channel gets bigger so everyone can gain some valuable insight the same way I did 💓
Heidi, your videos are sooo well done! You present the content clearly, thoroughly, and give relatable examples. Thank you for the work you do. Your content really stands out in the RUclips crowd to me. 🧡 I'm learning so much from you!
I spent some 200 bucks on a ctpsd course last week and I can honestly tell you I feel kind of angry about that because it yeilds me 10% of the helpful information I get from you but I also feel strangely protected by the universe in that 'nothing is ever wasted'... and that the value that I was expecting elsewhere, I am getting..just not from the source I thought it would be from. This is the single best video on intimacy out there thanks to the PURE Gold examples that too in the first 6 minutes of the video. I am so grateful to you. May god bless you and may you have a truly blessed life ahead.
I didn't realize how much of an idiot I was being 🤦 omg, this makes so much more sense. I was opening the door for intimacy and simultaneously responding poorly to how she was SHARING her intimacy. Damn, if she never forgives me for that I wouldn't blame her... I hope that she is willing to give me the chance to grow as a person and prove to her that I *am* making changes to my behavior. Gah, I can't believe I made such a mistake 🤦🤦🤦🤦
Yeahhhh, been there, done that, got many t-shirts. Sad thinking about it, so many lost opportunities. Going to keep trying to be smarter in this. Heidi's lessons are a gift.
Your videos are always so comforting. The way you deliver the information so straightforwardly and with such compassion and a smile really helps me understand and receive it. Sometimes tough topics can be so overwhelming I can only listen to psychology videos here and there, but I keep coming back to yours frequently. Thank you for helping ❤
I deeply appreciate how powerfully this video resonates with me. I've been very deeply studying compassionate communication techniques with a heightened curiosity in observing myself and others. A fear of spontaneous feelings... yeah, I've had that. I've been afraid of shame, judgment and inversely, self-judgment... been deeper into introspective journaling for a few years now. Since my mother passed away, I've been not only journaling but writing personal poetry about my feelings and the attributing life events. I've noticed very clearly, a commonality in how we try to connect with impressing others, with some friends struggling to connect with their emotions for fear the emotions themselves could get them in relational trouble. Vulnerability has been a rare sight... I'd never consciously noticed this... I know I've had a difficult life with oddness and eccentricity I'd been conditioned into fearing. I've since shared many of my personal journals with friends, family and the internet as a whole... and everything... everything I've done and experienced. This released me from a fear of judgment, knowing everyone's perspective is personal... remaining curious and graciously accepting all input. This entire video's succinct 20 minutes near perfectly encompass my Covid and post-Covid journaling journey... and I thank you for reminding me how valuable this introspection has been. I now feel seen and affirmed. I feel believed in hearing all of this from someone else. Comfort fosters authenticity and authenticity stems from open honesty and accountability. Thank you. I am so appreciative for this, Heidi.
The point you make at 23:30 is so perfect. What has our history done to our psychology? What do we live these lies about what it is to be human? This fake ideology that we're all taught and expected to live by, especially about feelings and emotions and how to deal with them has screwed us all up. Somehow, the forefathers of society declared that to be human was to rely totally on the rational mind and to ignore/suppress/dismiss our emotions... or rather retro-fit rationale onto them, which is what we actually do. So now we have a society that acts emotionally and lies to itself about why we behave in certain ways.
Oh my GOD you are INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! You are the best on RUclips of the past several years ! I’ve been on here since 2014. Your videos are GOLD!!!! Thank you for your hard work!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Curiosity is the key! 7:16 what a great example of the basics laid out up to this point! Yes! So many breakups are over one or both feeling abandoned for "being too much" (or its flipside, "not good enough") from assumptions and misunderstandings! 13:44 curiosity comes from being calm instead of defense. 14:42 this is a LARGE scale CULTURAL issue to call everyone a Narcissist instead of seeing the STRUCTURE pushing us into these relationships!
Dear Ms. Priebe, you've answered a whole lot of my own nagging personal questions about why I have acted the way I have for many years now. Many thanks for putting these things in terms I found far easier to understand than I have in 3 decades of reading other people's writings. I also think I was ready to hear what you had to say, because it's the deep sense of connectedness and relating that you've spoken about that I have longed for for most of my life. Thank you for loving me this way--- by sharing your own informed perspective on what it takes to "go deeper" in relationships and telling us how to get there.
What wonderful timing for this video! Thank you for the reminder of AR 3 level framework around communication! Also these two words stood out a a lot for me: Curiosity, and Presence - both of which I recently brought into an interaction with another. This video brought up a sense of confidence, and peace regarding how I approached that interaction. Your videos are such a brilliant, glowing addition to the world from my perspective.
Once again fantastic. ADHD with rejection sensitivity disorder and afraid of my initial emotions more than ever I have some work to do but want to do it
Timely as I was having some inner turmoil over this exact thing and lacked the vocabulary to express it beyond “something’s missing in how we connect”. Very much looking forward to the self-intimacy video. Thank you!
Heidi, please say more about this! Especially, relational communication & authentic relating. No one else is talking about intimacy & how strengthen & develop it. All search results for intimacy return stuff about sex.
I tried this after finding your video over a year ago with someone I really fell for. He stayed pretty congruent too in telling me he was falling for me. I'm scared to watch your make it or break it video now because we ended before we really even began. It destroyed me. I asked for help, real help, the kind that my inner child has been quietly crying for for 30+ years thanks to your videos. And while I'm glad I put myself out there, that was the moment I felt him leave. I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. I have a fantastic therapist and I still don't hand the courage to ask and commit for what I needed last January. What I needed for years. What I still need now. I just wanted to cry in front of someone. I struggle with this so much. I just wanted to be held and to have someone hold a safe space for me to be sad without feeling like I'll be yelled at for it, accused of it being some kind of strategy, dismissed, or even abandoned. I don't know if I'll ever get to. All of those things have happened. I am losing hope. Enough that I decided to do ECT and accept the risks.
Absolutely amazing ❤️ couldn’t have been explained or demonstrated any better, clearer or more comprehensive within this time frame. Thank you so much 🌸 I hope as many people as possible hear and benefit from this. Relating can be so beautiful and healing 🌺
Thank you so much for existing and doing what you do. Your video is yet again incredibly helpful to me. I am in tears because I feel so supported and understood.
Thank you for the amazing challenge! This gave me so much nourishing insight to chew on & apply!!! I actually find it incredibly natural to be relationally curious about people, but I take a while to work up the nerve & strategies to ask them about their queues, and then the unhad discussions just stack up on my back burners until I become very stressed. You did a rarely excellent job of pointing out how it is often our decision when we don't cultivate any of these most fulfilling relationships, however, and pinpointing exactly how we are failing our selves in these ways. :-) Your smile is also upliftingly pretty.
I really love your videos. I’m struggling with some parts of relationships and I’ve never understood why. You’ve really helped me to think about my behaviour and you’ve given me the courage to try being more vulnerable however scary it is.
This is the first time I've seen Heidi. Heidi's definition of Intimacy is an excellent definition IMO. When challenged about my motives 15 years ago I arrived at the same definition, and have found it unsurpassed both as a direction to walk (or avoid) and as a measure of 'where are we right now?' I'm so grateful to Heidi for having put time and thought into this. It becomes a very strong indication to me that I can trust what she is saying ....
I came across your channel for the first time yesterday and am absolutely loving your videos. Your insights, your wisdom, your way of looking at the world and sharing it through your videos are very generous. One very grateful new subscriber here!
I am one of those who avoids the relational and even most of the personal because universally whenever I attempt to delve into the personal, to share my experience or perspective, I am met with judgment and micro-aggressions. People fail to see or even consider my perspective and by their words, expressions and body language make it clear they're not interested. So why would I want to build a bridge to that. All it's going to do is run me down and make me feel even worse than I already do. And, if they can't see me and the struggles I've faced and carry with me daily, then their perspective is irrelevant. As you mentioned we live in a conflict society, and as a result most people cannot be trusted with personal feelings, experiences, perspectives and trauma. Most people just aren't capable of connecting on a deeper level, let alone relating.
"When we are in that state of defense & of trying to impress someone, all we are really thinking about is our own self-image. What do I wanna make known about me in this interaction? How do I want them to perceive me?" 👍
This is so great, exactly what I needed to hear right now. I definitely struggle understanding when I am or am not being intimate, and it simply being communicating with someone in the present moment about what it's like right then to be with them is precisely what I avoid doing. Sounds terrifying just describing it.
Thank you! Thank you so much! I needed this, a clearly stated definition of intimacy, something I think I instinctively knew but could not describe and couldnt work towards as a result.
Sooo insightful and it’s giving me soo much to unpack from my last and only longterm relationship of 11 years. Thank you soo much putting in the work in your own life to be able to share it with us 😊🙏
Wow.. this resonates with me so strongly, and explains so many things and feelings I have experienced! Always felt shame for not feeling erudite enough, I was somehow never interested in remembering facts. Thought that something was wrong with me and pushed myself to learn stuff, unsuccessfully. After listening to you, I now understand that I am always interested in depth and genuine connections much more than in the informational level of communication. So nothing is wrong with me, I just have other interests. Such a release! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 😌💚🙏
I think you hit the nail on the head at the end there. We all have trouble being honest and we're very good at lying to ourselves and others. Of course there are layers to that. Layers of truth, layers of boxes we put ourselves in. There were a few moments when you mentioned a lasting relationship. I think if we're honest, a lot of us are scared, and for good reason, that over the long term compatibility changes. I heard one coach put it something like " the longer the relationship goes the more likely you'll run into even more incompatibility". Even if you were very good at relating at a that relational level together, which most aren't, it doesn't mean one of those incompatibilities won't show up over time and at some point it might even be irreconcilable after deep investment. That is life changing. And for most who are not relating at that level, they build on the foundational lie and then when the incompatibility becomes apparent or a new one shows up, it all crumbles. it's very dynamic, and there's so much more here. I'm not convinced education would "help" relationships go "better". We might need to reconsider how we do our culture and society and thereby our relationships in light of being more relational.
i know several people that get angry if i go level 3. they really hate it and say "make your point already dont talk around the bush" . or they call ot "complaining" while i wasnt complaining, but just sharing my experience. Even if they are positive experiences they think it is negative. I like to interview people for work newsletter and after a whole conversation about technical details i dare to ask a broader question at tge end "Tell me what led you to choose this profession, or how did you end up to be an expert in this" then the answer i got was "....????... o no i dont lke those questions". So especially the tech people cannot be interviewed at all. Their stories wont be read by anyone because you might as well read the manual. They really cannot be reflective. Once someone called it "philosophy"... just asking someones insentives is apperently very deep philosophical. While to me that is a coffeechat.
This is really transformational, thank you for presenting it in such a clear, easy to grasp and practical way! This helps me with where I am in my own growth process right now. It is fun to listen to you and life changing at the same time. I think you are really genius in your own way of shining this clear light into the dark unconscious corners of our mind. Thank you for being as you are and sharing it with us!
Wow this video is gold! Thank you so very much for explaining this in such a clear and concise format. I finally understand how to take it to the next level more consistently and give myself credit for the times I’ve been completely vulnerable in the past without realizing that’s what I was doing. Now I’m ready to practice more! Thank you! Many blessings to you! 🙏🏻💖✨
A very timely new concept. Been a focal point of my life, but recently this has taken me deep inside. Definitely more challenging and more rewarding than complacency. But a bit earth shattering ❤to my heart to realize that I missed this up until now -Matt’s dad
My definition of intimacy is when both people meet moments of vulnerability with empathy. This creates a feedback loop we call relationship. When this is consistent the relationship is considered safe. Safe relationships have the capacity for depth.
Pretty good! Hard part is finding people who WANT to see your intimacy and respond supportively with it. Many people only want to see a version of you thats useful for them. Example: seeing you as a cheerleader, not an actual person
Focus on the people who reciprocate the same energy, and there you won’t feel used.
@@ashleypulido5252finding them in the first place is the problem
You need to learn boundaries and filters to exclude these people from your life. When you meet a new person and they sense you tend to just listen and not share, then the narcissistic people who are craving an audience (and can’t find it anywhere else) will stay in your life, meanwhile the people who relate in a more healthy, reciprocal way will sense something is off with you (too guarded etc) and move along. Before long, you’ll see that everyone that stuck around you just takes from you and doesn’t allow you to start expecting reciprocity.
I have the same issue! I‘ve learned a lot about boundaries, higher standards in relationships, self-soothing, breaking codependent patterns, etc etc. But after several years of this it just seems I keep having to leave more distance between myself and people who just are not interested in any kind of balanced, meaningful relationship. People are sometimes available for fun, or support when they want it, but not to be supportive when I want it. So I end up mostly isolating again.. feels pretty discouraging a lot of the time.
Spot on!
In attempt to gain more intimacy with people - I tried to be open and let others be vulnerable with me- but they mostly saw me as a helper/mother/therapist - and pretty much ignored every time I tried to talk about my feelings/struggles - all I heard were stuff like “you’re strong! You can get through” and so on…
It felt like I’m loosing my energy - and never received anything from others - so have to isolate (again) to gain some stability and (relative) comfort.
The problem here is that it takes two people to get to that level of intimacy. If the other person doesn’t have the capacity or doesn’t want to go deeper with you, then no amount of studying, communication, understanding, empathy, knowledge and care can get you there…
It take TWO people to be intimate with each other.
So true. When the other person can’t handle their truth than it creates an impasse, sadly.
Yes!!!!! One-sided anything does not work. You can't walk on one leg.
And that's the nature of finding good genuine friends. But once you both click, all becomes worth it.
An expression that I’ve heard is that you can’t steer a parked car. If the other person is not interested in personal growth that’s in them. You can only be responsible for You.
@@Apokalypsepleasethat is not a fact. It can also be that they would like to be intimate but "can't handle it".
What you stated isn't a fact, but an interpretation. And while possible, it is also the most negative one.
There are many interpretations. The only fact is that the intimacy/vulnerability isn't occuring at that specific time.
I really appreciate this video, I have always had this ability to get really emotionally intimate with other people but I never understood exactly what I was doing. I realized from this video that my ability to be vulnerable and get to the relational level of intimacy helped other people feel more comfortable opening up to me. I appreciate your help in advancing my ability to understand myself and be more intentional in future conversations and relationships.
I feel the same about myself. I think my opening up is kind of a strategy, "lead by example." Problems have arisen when I thought my partner was being as open as I was trying to be, or wanted to be - forgetting that it can be hard, and that they might become spooked by the intimacy that was initially attractive.
Same here - too open too honest too vulnerable too easily for others to feel not ‘spooked’ or overwhelmed or simply not know how to deal with - not very kind i guess and a little self-centred I would say in my corner - i am learning to be more patient and understanding that the others need a much slower speed at the ‘back and forth’
I relate to all you 3 say here. By being a person willing to be vulnerable and “go deep” quickly, (I prefer it) I now see (as a wiser 52 yr old 😉) that I’ve been intimidating to many and have had many pull away and avoid me because of it. It most definitely is a gift that allows me to connect with people who are ready for intimacy and need someone to talk to. It requires growing in wisdom and experience to get more sensitive and kind with it for sure. And humble. Even tho we see the high value in it-it doesn’t mean everyone else is ready for it! They are on their own journey and we have to accept that.
@@kjarneson655 ain't that the truth, I just had a breakup because the girl I was dating felt like I was going too fast and she couldn't reciprocate the time and emotional investment.
Anything less in relationships just feels empty and unmotivating. How have you navigated this challenge?
@@nbonasoro sorry-that’s tough. I’ve been married for 32 years now-and honestly I felt like I was beating my head against the wall for so many years…trying to figure out what was going on! It’s so clear now-my husband couldn’t handle intimacy. So feel thankful at least that you’ve figured out a huge key! Honestly, commitment, patience and devotion to keep working on things is required. No matter what your personality types or intimacy capacity…it’s hard to give space for a partner to function so differently and not let it lead to fighting, loneliness and irritation. You both have to be willing to keep trying to be honest with yourself (about yourself) and keep growing and humbling yourself, growing in skills, and self control. Relationships take a lot of work 😉 But a valuable part of this journey for sure. We have to show ourselves and others a lot of grace.
I was really looking forward to hear this, but now it left me more conflicted. My issue is that in my life, people feel close to me or that I really understand them and I don’t. I really dig deep in conversations to get the emotional understanding, and, especially in my romantic relationships, people don’t reciprocate that. I have a thought that maybe they are so deprived of that kind of intimacy that they will just leave the conversation centered on them for as long as I can. And either our shared time runs out, we need to move on, or sometimes I’ll literally express my craving for curiosity of my mind and feelings and I’ll get responses like “I don’t know how to do what you do”. And it makes me really sad. Eventually my emotional battery gets drained, and even though I can self soothe and be intimate with myself, it gets really lonely sometimes, even though I interact with many people. I know I can just meet different people, but the sheer number of people I’ve met and having this issue, it really feels horrible to “dump” relationships for the sake of this, so I keep feeling like I find myself in these one sided intimate relationships. I just don’t want to keep asking people to be curious about me. It’s not horrible, but it sucks sometimes.
I can relate to this deeply. I do think it's a boundary issue where we have to share earlier and more consistently and let there be tension... rather than just delving into another person.
I get this. It doesn't bother me anymore, but I do notice it, the one sided "sharing". I think one thing is, we don't realise how valuable we are, in these interactions or relationships. We think everybody has the ability to be like us, but they don't. They might be married, or have friends, but that doesn't mean they're being listened to, in the way that we listen. So, it's worth keeping that in mind, that you're actually very valuable. Your ability to listen, is gold.
This! Thank you so much for formulating this. I feel more seen and less lonely simply by reading about your experience that sounds so much like my own. Learning how to set boundaries to prevent emotional draining was a huge learning curve for me. But now when I’m somewhat secure in my ability to take care of my own emotional needs and sit with my own uncomfortable feelings, I’m just left with this longing to be curiously examined by someone else who is mature and reasonably secure. Something I’ve literally never had. At first I feared it was an ego-centered thing. But now I realize how valuable this desire of ours actually is. It’s one of the most authentic things about ourselves, I think. It shows we have done a lot of internal work to be ready to build meaningful connections. You’re right, it’s not terrible. It’s just very very lonely at times.
I feel every part of this entirely too much. Potent intimacy might be the rarest substance on the planet.
Dang. I'm in the same place. I have this deep yearning to love and know my family and for them to know me....but they all seem fine with surface type relationships. I feel like opening up is a no-zone...and I have so much to ask them and share. It feels like the most painful rejection.
My parents have a little bit of vulnerability, but I still feel they too are holding me at arms length. When I open up to them and even share a little about my anger towards them from childhood, it's so weird. It's like they don't know how to respond and I just made it weird by bringing it up.
I shared with my closest brother and his wife a few weeks ago about my anger towards dad, who I still love, and neither of them asked questions or acknowledged/validated my feelings, they both launched into telling me I should have compassion and went on with many excuses for him. It shattered me. My family isn't safe to share my heart with and it breaks me up.
I do have my husband who's a gem, and safe as all get out, and I have his sister, my SIL.
This is hard and I understand what you're feeling. I'm stuck in this conflict as well.
When I came across this channel I was living every minute of my life that was not at work inside of a bathroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but literally, I lived in my master bathroom which is tiny. I Ate maybe once every couple of days, I was sleeping at most 15 hours a week. I lost 20 lbs. I was very good at masking at work, but on my days off I would not see daylight.
Since then, I have not only entered into a relationship, but ended it because I recognized that I was measuring my value according to their attention to me, and that the relationship in and of itself was not a healthy place for me or them. They reacted in a volatile way and I truly, from the bottom of my heart did not feel any spite. I don't want to say pity because it sounds so rude, but I felt true pity, pity without thinking down about them.
I've noticed that my attachment style is changing, hell I know what one is haha. I'm aware of things I do that are not reflective of how I genuinely feel and I'm taking necessary steps to be as genuine as I can as the situation allows.
All of this stems from this channel.
I still spend time in the bathroom, but now I feel that I do it for me. I'll wash my face or sew some clothes and listen to videos or music. I don't do it out of shame anymore. I do it to spend quality time with myself. I know it's still a weird place... but I'll get there. I see the path now.
I am so so proud of you! Keep it up!
Good for you!! 🎉
Wow! That sounds a lot like me and one journey I've been on and have my own bathroom which I have converted into a bedroom half bath.
Also, I've
been able to share with the man ive been with for the last 5 years. We have not been in that back room the entire time. We had about2.5 years in that room. 2.5 years in the living room turned to sort of a bedroom with only curtains not walls.
I have done a LOT of inner work and a few thousand tons of healthy healing to be doing better than before.
Seven years ago I called this back room/bathroom my sanctuary.
But that's a very long dark story for another time l.
Now this room is the only way to get some time to make things happen and have the time and space to myself in order to get it all done.😊
Thank you!
AWESOME! Well done!
❤❤❤
I'll never forget when I was at a house party in my early 20s and there were a bunch of people sitting around not talking to anyone. I went to every person and started a conversation and eventually asked them why they weren't dancing or interacting with everyone else. All of them said they were worried about what the others thought. Of course, I've I got the ball rolling the party got poppin! 😂
fear of that interaction showing up as a shame on SM you see elevate yourself and push others down seems to be a trend, looking for the "likes and followers" no accountability in SM and that's a cancer
@@nofeerz I have no idea what you just said.
You're a legend 👏🏻
@@timj4601 thanks, lol. It's funny, my friends tell me I'm the only person they know who can walk into a club alone and walk out with friends. 🤣
@@pmuppuehtemulov #facts
I agree a 100% with what you are saying. The problem is to find people who can handle what you have to tell them and who can treat you tenderly in the process..I haven't found anyone like that yet. Most people run when you try and show them exactly who you are.
Exactly!
Or turn on the TV.....
I just don't understand how people are not pleased when you open up. No matter how scary a person might be, when you open up, it is a beautiful thing, as beautiful as the light of God himself
I think that this level of intimacy can take some time, so it depends. You can't just start in on a person at a party with deep intimacy, for example (not saying that's what you're doing) - you do need to feel it out a bit.
Thank you for your opinion. I like It!
Ive learned through years of sharing on the relational level since I was a child, that most people just took advantage of and even weaponized my vulnerability against me (even close friends) to the point where now i rarely go beyond the personal. I do feel largely disconnected from even my own family now.
Sorry to hear that
I can relate to this. One think I've learnt about intimacy is that the vulnerability gives room for hurt. It's hard to hold space for others when you're repeatedly hurt
You put into clear words a feeling ive had for a few years now: Most people really dont ever go beyond "level two"
It's true that people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. In short, most people are just shallow. They dont even know what deep is, they don't have the self awareness
I love this self disclosure and vulnerability you display so much. I was raised by emotionally unavailable, completely dysfunctional parents and I learned early in life, as the youngest (and now the only surviving child) to overcompensate and show too much vulnerability too quickly with people. I have spent so much time feeling alone in this ability to be deeply vulnerable. I'm trying to work on setting vulnerability boundaries for myself and juggle the impulse to become avoidant when I set expectations too high with others and inevitably break my own heart in the process.
Thank you for what you do here, Heidi.
You are most likely an INFJ and Heidi is an ENFP. She has plenty of videos on ENFP. Have fun.
Mmmmmm
this is much like me too and my upbringing. I am INFP
Thanks yuo've put it in words for me !
I've been through a lot in life but never had an issue with Intimacy. Ì actually don't understand why so many people have an issue with it. Generally speaking though it's usually men though that have issues with it.
I'm the dismissive avoidant type, and I want to get to my feelings, and to experience true intimacy, even if it is scary and overwhelming. I want to be ME, which was taken away from me all of my life. I hate to see how society promotes shallowness, how it discourages intimacy, how it rewards and expects to rationalize your feelings away. I truly think we are living in a dismissive avoidant society, and that's a very scary thought for me. But once you see it, you can't unsee it.
What brought you to the realisation that you were avoidant? I thought most avoidant people struggle to see it and dismiss anyone who tries to raise it.
Well done to you and good luck on your journey.
@@colinclarke3338 It was a process: In 2019 I had to admit that I was lying to myself, and that I was deeply unhappy. I never had a long term relationship, I have very few friends, and I realized that the common variable in the equation was ME. So I clearly had fear of commitment. Like a miracle, I ended up in a long distance relationship, allowing me to slowly open up. Even though the relationship failed, it helped me so much, I could see how much I wanted true intimicy, and how bad I was in opening up, how thick my shields really are. I had heard about commitment theory before, but explained badly. Once I stumbled over videos like this, it suddenly made sense: What I thought of as my character traits were mostly self-defense mechanisms. And while all of this is scary for me, as it challenges who I really am, I know there is no turning back now. Thank you!
I’m half way and I am honestly blown away. My partner has brought up these points during conflict and I tried but struggled to understand what it means to be truly honest. And almost forcing him to be accountable for how his actions made me feel. This video is giving me tools that may change my relationship for the better. I’m so grateful for this information, it couldn’t have come at a better time.
This is amazing! I love how you pointed out a very obvious problem in our culture - I really think we all need to learn intimacy when we are young and also the skills to heal when our intimacy is hurt- knowing when its ok to be at that relational level and when to be strictly informational is something ive been paying attention to in my own life
Heidi, I so appreciate the depth of your content without any fluff, or selling your audience on likes, notifications, courses, etc. You are the real deal.
Awesome channel. I've been in therapy about ten years, read the books, watched the videos, and know my stuff pretty well. Yet she says things I've not thought through and words things in a clear manner. I even worked on intimacy in a group and this is the most clear explanation I've heard.
My thoughts exactly ❤
14:46
This.
So many videos talk about how the other is a narcissist that we need to protect ourselves from. It's intoxicating. I found your videos to be a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
That's not what intoxicating means.
@@davidripplinger8904 What do you mean? I used a figurative language. I think it can indeed be toxic and negative for people to resort to a skewed version of reality in which they are perpetually victims of people wanting to hurt them.
@@SimonBea1Usually when people use the word intoxicating, it means it's exciting and makes you want to keep doing it. It's a metaphor since intoxicated means drunk.
I meant that the videos saying all your problems in life/your relationships came from you meeting narcissists were intoxicating exactly in this sense.
You find a quick answer and neglect to work on yourself, just like with drugs.
My heart is beating very fast when I'm writing this... but I'm very thankful Priebe is teaching us about intimacy!
You know, for someone who prefaced this skill with the confession that they used to avoid intimacy, this lesson was very helpful and well received. Sometimes when something did not come as second nature, it gives us permission to then be beginners at something, to not take the practice for granted, to be even more specific, articulate and formal. And that’s what you accomplished here!
What immediately stood out to me in ghe first 5 minutes of this video is how poetry deals with that third level of intimacy, not just of the self but the environment, others...when people say they dont 'get' poetry or dislike it I often find it correlates to a lack of emotional intimacy with them. I believe poetic literacy is crucial in building up our collective abilities to tap into deep relationality. The essay Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde, covers this in far more eloquent words than I can.
The second thing I noticed was how my mind jumped to "what about the somatic!" part of why myself and other neurodivergent people in my circles feel great loneliness, we have discussed together, is that we crave nonverbal, energetic intimacy and many people feel deeply uncomfortable with this form of communication. What I mean by that: lingering together, laying by a tree, tracking animal trails, parallel play (doing activities side by side), creating art together, non-sexual (or sexual) intentional touch, humming, stimming, dancing and singing together. Or even simply existing and noticing the environment in eachother's presence.
This level of intimacy is what makes me feel alive and well, and. Often thwre is so much overstimulation and burnout from the environment it gets lost. But i also find that bringing it into friendships can creep people out or make them feel intense feelings towards me, or simulate romance. It is a very romantic/creative way to engage with the world. I've learned to turn myself off/down or mask a lot to prevent weird attachments or rejection and projection. Or to prevent my own super intense feelings from coming out and scaring others away. But as i get older, it becomes obvious i had such bad results because i wasnt careful with who i showed myself to and didn't understand pacing. Its not a bad way to be.
Intimacy can have extra barriers for autistic and neurodivergent folks because of shame about the way we experience the world linked to stereotypes, or frustrations others have about us. So its a longer path to weave our own ways of being intimate wirh self, other and world. But well worth it.
Thank you!
I also love your concept of nonverbal, or minimal verbal intimacy, or just hanging out, physically touching, playing side by side, just “being” together. I think that’s part of what you are talking about. It’s challenging to figure ourselves out, but this channel helps a lot, & I’ve been working on it for a long time! I’m in a relationship, a year, following bad situations for both of us. IDK where it will go, if he’s an avoidant or just burned & trying to figure out what happened. The hanging out, physical contact part is really nice, but I’m not sure about the long term potential. I am curious, it’s very interesting, and it’s not guaranteed! Nothing really is, to start anyway.
Ooof, goddamn Heidi Priebe has changed my life. Every singles video hits me in the feels. "Other people like to lead with the basement, and what they're actually a little bit ashamed of is the fact that they have like three sunrooms in the back that they don't really tell anybody about. Because maybe those people have a fear that if people knew that I was resources and I could keep myself ok, they would abandon me." STOP LOOKING INTO MY SOUL
Heidi is knocking it out or the park with these videos lately. I plan to re-watch this one with my partner so we ca discuss and practice going deeper together.
Wow its amazing to be able to do that with them
There IS a lot of narcissism driven by social media. Radical Honesty is rare but really important. Lots of shame inside people.
Thank you for your content!! Especially attachment styles, It's truly helpful for me.
Esp attachment styles...what do you mean by this
If we don’t dare going deeper and closer using radical honesty, we don’t really get to know people. I’ve come to understand that this is what will bring closer to us the people who are serious and feel comfortable with intimacy and repell those who aren’t. I also think that this is going to strengthen our broken red flag detector, mine need some help for sure!
I think sometimes we think there is a black and white way of approaching relationships, like it is this way, or that way, or that there is an easy fix. Relationships are complex, for everyone, everyone's going to get hurt at some point, everyone's going to hurt, someone, at some point. Even radical honesty will not necessarily repel people that one should not associate with, as they may be radically honest too. Someone can let you know them, and still be a d*ck.
Yes I’m that way the right persons come towards you and push away those people incorrect for you!!
At 12ish I learned that a true friend was one who knew everything about you, and still likes you.
I live at that level of intamacy. Level 3 is how I talk.
I find mostly other people are refreshed by my candour, some can't handle it, but overall the non romantic relationships I have today are those where we've both become completely vulnerable with each other.
This was honestly the most scary video ever. I’m actually proud of myself for finding the courage to keep listening to your videos, because they call me out in ways that make me feel really yucky at first. Realizing that I have a lot of work to do around intimacy. I think I’m maybe what you’ve called “fearful avoidant”, and the only person I truly feel comfortable around is my husband, who is also avoidant. But I live in fear of anyone ever hurting my feelings. The idea of asking anyone to tell me how they feel ABOUT being in conversation with me right now… that makes me feel like ants are crawling all over me. Like, intentionally opening yourself up to hearing something that might hurt your feelings. That’s a form of bravery that I don’t currently have, but probably do need to work toward developing
Right? And just because I know what my lifelong experience has been with most all the people I ever meet personally, and feeling sensitive and even extra sensitive to the situations I seem to see constantly with anyone and everyone where the same things I have always lived with are happening for them too, I am just surprised that they say only like 5% of people truly are the fearful avoidantly attached....to me it seems like it ought to be more like 80% or something.
I’m convinced I need Heidi as my personal therapist
Thank you for giving us the layers so clearly. As a person who is FA, I’m trying to really understand how to learn self forgiveness and understanding what steps need to be taken to be a healthy friend and family member. After damaging an important relationship with my chaos, your content is helping me get to the root of the cause and then rebuild in a holistic and thorough way. Thank you so much.
Hey so as an autistic person, I've actually always innately had that curiosity and vulnerability with others except I did not have the self protective measures in place, so doing this has led to a lot of pain. I'm having to relearn how to do this through processing past trauma.
Hard relate, same here, AuDHDer 👋. I've developed skills here through continual education and self work, but it doesn't help others don't usually have these skills so it's hard to find others who have the same outlook and skills...
You aren’t autistic. What problem is solved for you by adopting the autistic label?
I know someone in a similar position to you and it makes so much sense why that happens. And it pains me to see.
They didn’t know me terribly well but one day they vented to me, and because I handled it well I basically became a second therapist for them. I would be shocked if that’s the only time they’ve gone down that path with someone, and I can see how it’s hurt them over time.
I hope you’re doing well and you can establish the healthy boundaries you need ❤
Infj…… feels like being the only person interested in true deep connections. And I’ve done a metric ton of trauma healing. So I see the trauma in others preventing them from wanting to authentically connect, because they remain disconnected from themselves.
No matter how hard I try i feel like I wont ever be able to fix myself
" So I see the trauma in others preventing them from wanting to authentically connect, "
You don't know what is going on with other people, You will never know, because you are not them, you don't live in their bodies, you haven't lived their lives. Trauma healing does not give you the ability to mind-read. You can only ever really know who you are, and even then there will always be parts to discover. I think intimacy starts with acknowledging that you don't know, anything, about anyone, with being curious.
@@ebbyc1817 I hear you and I agree. Being someone who was deeply traumatized, I have compassion for everyone. I simply long for those connections with others who have arrived also🙏🏻
This test is a load of bullshit.... If you base yourself off those and find someone based off theirs you will never have a good relationship. No different than morons who base it off their zodiac sign
INFJ here too can relate to what your saying, and yet from these videos have realised that insecure attachment and a shit ton of feelings about raw vulnerable intimacy are still present despite having worked on healing trauma for a decade. So I’ve decided to try communicating from the 3rd level with those that I feel are “safe” and see how that goes. The thought of doing that gets me emotional.
This is incredible content. Some of us don’t even know what we’re missing out on.
Thank you. Your framing and articulation of the problem was exceptionally helpful.
Thank you for this video. Tonight while I was journaling I realized the degree to which I've been almost exclusively writing about my day at the informational level. You've helped me go from informational, to personal, and right into relational. It feels like I've just opened a door to a level of relationship with myself that I didn't think was possible. I love your videos and appreciate your work immensely
Me too, my journal is very matter of fact at the moment, it’s like I really don’t want to share my thoughts on paper as I might discover something I don’t like.
These are the words I was missing. Thank you.
I'm going through a divorce, and I could never explain even to myself where the rift I felt was coming from. I knew I felt deeply emotionally neglected, and I've pieced a lot of it together on these past weeks, months. But this not only explains it, but also how I managed to stand up and say 'enough'. It was being met with open curiosity and building bonds with others who weren't as scared to meet me at those personal and relational points, while my ex kept running from it, even seeing it as personal attacks. How I ended marrying him is no mystery tho, having been raised emotionally starved.
But I'm learning to see it, and avoid staying on 'safe levels', and nurture healthier bonds. I'm not fully able to get into relational intimacy without needing to breathe deeply and calm myself down, but I'm doing it, little by little. I'm so grateful I found people who get it and are okay with being patient with me and my growth.
I have NO idea what the hell you're even talking about here and it's likely your ex didn't either....
This woman has fantastic information and experience. For me personally, someone with CPTSD, I do wish there were slight pauses, a breath. My nervous system gets jacked up without it. Thank you for your dedication!
Just change the video speed to .75
I pause the video.
I don't know how it is in the US but in the Caribbean you get punished for being curious so you learn early on to be disconnected. We even have a bad word that is especially aimed at curious people. I have working on being more vulnerable and intimate with my friends theses last few months and I knew about curiousity. Still, I'm impressed how you link everything together so it makes even more sense now. I enjoy listenning to you ❤❤
I am working through grief after the end of a 2 year relationship that I thought was with my soulmate, and I say that completely aware of the absurdity of that statement, as someone who didnt believe soulmates were a thing until the day we both came to the same conclusion at the same time. all to say it was a big deal.
Im 2 months in and we're in no contact, and I honestly dont think I will ever hear from her again unless I reach out. I have a yt playlist called "jfc the accuracy" and its meant to be the place where all the videos that I think exactly describe some piece of that relationship either one or both of us or the dynamic between us. almost every video in there is your channel Heidi.
this is my new favorite channel. I am watching and rewatching and learning so much and it is really really impactful. it is so helpful to understand to see the forest and the trees, to have lived experience that felt intangible and indecipherably complex and unique be explained from root to stem so fully and so plainly as frameworks of survival and interaction.
its so comforting to not feel alone, and there is so much peace in feeling like I can understand and choose differently bc I understand what happened and my place in it and my partners.
as a child of chaos understanding is always so empowering
I think a big reason why it’s hard sometimes too is we love to be defensive. I find in my life the people who are more quick to anger are the people who don’t really how to convey what they’re feeling in the moment and this anger can definitely manifest into rage and violence in the extreme but it can also come out as judgements, off cut remarks, can really profit us from seeing the other perspectives around us.
Being someone that needs to stew for at the very least an hour or two to process my emotions I have visited that place before, many times. It’s definitely something I need to improve on because my biggest issue is accuracy. I find that sometimes when I say something meaningful, it’s hard to be completely authentic because there are so many dominoes that fell in a certain way that have lead us to the point that we are now. One thing I’ve been working on for myself is trying to become more aware of what my body is trying to tell me. It’s definitely challenging, but I noticed when I feel stress that’s when it comes out the most. I don’t mean stress in the sense of work or a stressful situation. It’s almost like being trapped in a turbulent sea. I’m someone that freezes a lot during conflict and when I freeze I can also feel that sea as well. In a way it feels like it’s trying to find a resolution or escape hatch. It does t seem well adjusted to the climate. I also find that the reason I can feel this way is because I have to come forward as well with speaking about my needs.
I know I deal with a lot of these problems still, but I feel like I also have started the work on the methods that you’ve taught about in this video. I just hope that this made sense and didn’t sound like a rambling mess.
Wonderful video! I loved what you said about "curiosity". One of my theories about why people SEEM to not be curious about their inner world is this: It isn't so much that they aren't curious. I think they lack the emotional maturity to see nuance. They get stuck in binary thinking (shame based). They have a hard time stripping judgement away from their curiosity. Also, I find that their curiosity is limited to the "informational" level meaning that they are curious.... but they take what they have learned at face value. Example: Intimacy is hard for me..... so that must mean that I'm just not a relationship person. They can't take their thinking to the next level to ask the question: What about my past made intimacy difficult. They jump to conclusions without ever rethinking their past.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🗣️ Heidi Priebe introduces the topic of intimacy, highlighting her personal journey and its significance in her life.
01:07 💡 Intimacy is defined as being present with someone in their undefended state and allowing them to see your undefended self.
02:16 📊 Introducing the model of "three levels of conversation" used in authentic relating: informational, personal, and relational.
03:41 🔍 Many relationships stay at the personal level, missing the deeper connection of the relational level.
04:10 ❤️ The relational level focuses on the current, in-the-moment feelings and reactions, leading to true intimacy.
05:47 🛡️ Being seen on the relational level is vulnerable, and many people naturally avoid it.
07:12 ⚖️ In conflicts, many tend to use informational statements loaded with personal emotions, making resolutions challenging.
08:34 🧠 Most relational issues can be resolved at the relational or personal level.
08:49 🧐 The key tool for fostering intimacy and navigating relational conversations is curiosity.
09:02 🧠 Being truly curious about another person's full range of experience is challenging yet vital for intimacy.
09:47 🤝 Relational curiosity-delving into someone's real-time experience including their perceptions of us-is rare due to potential vulnerabilities it reveals.
10:55 🔧 Relational curiosity is a powerful tool for building intimacy but requires vulnerability and discernment.
11:53 🚧 Many lack deep relationships due to missing the necessary emotional maturity, curiosity, and vulnerability.
12:59 📱 The rise of social media culture promotes impressing over connecting, making relational curiosity harder.
13:53 🛡️ In a threat state, we focus on self-image rather than staying open and curious.
15:05 🖼️ The drive to manage one's image can inhibit deep, authentic interactions and genuine intimacy.
16:28 💔 Our culture doesn't teach us to process emotional pain, making it harder to be deeply curious about others.
17:50 🌐 Unshared emotions and experiences can lead to feelings of loneliness within close relationships.
18:03 🗝️ Discerning safe relationships and being truly present are essential steps towards deep intimacy.
18:32 🌌 Inviting trusted individuals into our vulnerabilities can foster genuine intimate connections.
18:44 🔍 Developing self-intimacy is the first step; we must confront parts of ourselves we hide.
19:11 🏠 Both the "basement" (hidden vulnerabilities) and "sunlit top floor" (bright aspects) of our psychological house matter in relationships.
19:25 ⚖️ Different people hide different aspects of themselves, be it their vulnerabilities or strengths.
19:52 ❤️ True intimacy requires confronting our fears with trust in mutual tenderness.
20:07 🌪️ A key difference between secure and insecure attachment styles is how one deals with spontaneous feelings.
20:48 🌱 Securely attached individuals tend to be resilient, embracing a range of emotions.
21:17 🛡️ Insecure attachments can lead to rigid behaviors aimed at avoiding spontaneous feelings and possible hurt.
22:12 🗣️ True relational intimacy involves open conversation about our current internal states, allowing for mutual curiosity.
23:09 🔗 Deep connections grow with time and help in understanding humanity as a whole.
23:37 🌍 Many share similar human experiences, but we remain unaware due to our focus on impression management.
Made with HARPA AI
This is the best video I've seen on intimate (emotional connection). It's why my boyfriend and I struggle to connect. I'm never present with myself and maybe he's not either. We keep things very informational. I will watch this video with him.
Prior to watching, my initial thoughts. I've been alone almost my whole life. Few friends (that drift apart from moving away or life changes), no girlfriend, etc. I'm used to it, although I wish it weren't like that. I wouldn't call myself lonely per se, but I wish I could find at least one woman who enjoyed my company so I could have a partner in crime to do things with. But the thought of what it takes to get to that point with another person is terrifying. I've had too many negative experiences.
When I heard 'Curiosity' was the best tool to get intimate, I was joyful, whooping and hollering! And then we explored the three levels of Conversation and how difficult Relational Curiosity could get and I was like "Ohhhh.... ohhhhh...." And it was a good "Aha" moment.
I know for me I've been incidentally using a lotta psych/self help talk and have unintentionally allowed myself to swing into Emotional Bypassing to state my own feelings when I need to keep working on my emotional maturity to take someone at face value... I've gotten LOADS better from where I started when I started watching this channel, but I enjoy that now I can appreciate each of the steps and refining everything that I've learned.
Long Story short... Time to take this level of curiosity of being and keeping self intimacy and using learned skills to find people who are safe and supportive to do so too. Many thinks to think.
Thank you!
As an INTP this has always been difficult. I have a lot going on inside but usually push it aside and respond with logic. Especially being terrified of spontaneous emotion. This video is so inspiring! Thank you so much for making your content available and sharing your intellect in such a talented way. You have a beautiful soul.
I think you are exactly right about social media and threat states. It is a big problem. I think that through social media, people form bonds based on dopamine rather than true intimate bonds.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching this. I've longed for being able to be intimate my whole life with the people I love, found out recently that I'm always hiding myself. You made it so simple
I have never heard of insecurity, spontaneity, and rigidity related in a succinct matter like this. Feels like dots have been connected in my brain that have been there for the last 10 years, thank you for this
Heidi
I’m a psychotherapist working out of a differentiation model (David Schnarch). Yours is the clearest and most comprehensive presentation of a complex topic I’ve encountered. Thanks for doing it! It also encouraged me to look into my basement more deeply.
This video helped me see how I do struggle with intimacy in certain ways that I hadn’t realized! It seems inevitable that we all likely do in some areas, and will continue to bump against avoiding it throughout our lives here and there. I haven’t been as perfectly open and vulnerable as I pridefully thought I was! I am just more comfortable with depths than many people. When you Mentioned how “Some people are willing to quickly access their basements-but they have sunrooms they hide” (or however you said it) that really hit me! “Sunroom” brought up images for me of how I have come to hide and avoid discussing my successes and talents because I have been hurt by people who appear to feel uncomfortable with me or are insecure-they react weird when I tell them some of what I’m doing and excited about (even a summarized version, when they asked-lol) I now tend to shut down, became over sensitive in assuming people are judging me harshly like a few others seem to have.
This video has given me a lot of food for thought. There are some Great basic relational/conversational tactics for my marriage too.
So glad I found this video this morning-thank you for doing your channel ❤
Just want to say that I appreciate your videos so much, I can't believe how accurate and relatable your content is, please never stop posting videos
Thank you for the great video! The way you break down intimacy makes it less scarier than it actually is. I, for a long time, felt like I had an ego problem. I guess it is related to my fear of intimacy. I am really looking forward to your future videos. I will try to work the intimacy muscle out to the point where I can feel like a full human being, not just a projected image. Your work is really phenomenal and it made me rethink a lot of stuff and sometimes brought some parts of me that I didn't know about so I hope your channel gets bigger so everyone can gain some valuable insight the same way I did 💓
Heidi…this is a landmark video on the subjects of healing, relationships, and finding meaning as a human. Thank you.
Heidi, your videos are sooo well done! You present the content clearly, thoroughly, and give relatable examples. Thank you for the work you do. Your content really stands out in the RUclips crowd to me. 🧡 I'm learning so much from you!
Heidi, all I can say is you a truly inspiring and phenomenal. I appreciate all that you are and all you do. Thank you 🙏🏼💚
I spent some 200 bucks on a ctpsd course last week and I can honestly tell you I feel kind of angry about that because it yeilds me 10% of the helpful information I get from you but I also feel strangely protected by the universe in that 'nothing is ever wasted'... and that the value that I was expecting elsewhere, I am getting..just not from the source I thought it would be from. This is the single best video on intimacy out there thanks to the PURE Gold examples that too in the first 6 minutes of the video. I am so grateful to you. May god bless you and may you have a truly blessed life ahead.
I didn't realize how much of an idiot I was being 🤦 omg, this makes so much more sense. I was opening the door for intimacy and simultaneously responding poorly to how she was SHARING her intimacy. Damn, if she never forgives me for that I wouldn't blame her... I hope that she is willing to give me the chance to grow as a person and prove to her that I *am* making changes to my behavior. Gah, I can't believe I made such a mistake 🤦🤦🤦🤦
Yeahhhh, been there, done that, got many t-shirts. Sad thinking about it, so many lost opportunities. Going to keep trying to be smarter in this.
Heidi's lessons are a gift.
Your videos are always so comforting. The way you deliver the information so straightforwardly and with such compassion and a smile really helps me understand and receive it. Sometimes tough topics can be so overwhelming I can only listen to psychology videos here and there, but I keep coming back to yours frequently. Thank you for helping ❤
This topic is coming at just the right time for me. Thanks Heidi! Looking forward to the next video.
You are an angel truly. Thank you for helping me get out of this lonely place :) I’m looking forward to be a better person
I deeply appreciate how powerfully this video resonates with me. I've been very deeply studying compassionate communication techniques with a heightened curiosity in observing myself and others. A fear of spontaneous feelings... yeah, I've had that. I've been afraid of shame, judgment and inversely, self-judgment... been deeper into introspective journaling for a few years now. Since my mother passed away, I've been not only journaling but writing personal poetry about my feelings and the attributing life events.
I've noticed very clearly, a commonality in how we try to connect with impressing others, with some friends struggling to connect with their emotions for fear the emotions themselves could get them in relational trouble. Vulnerability has been a rare sight... I'd never consciously noticed this... I know I've had a difficult life with oddness and eccentricity I'd been conditioned into fearing.
I've since shared many of my personal journals with friends, family and the internet as a whole... and everything... everything I've done and experienced. This released me from a fear of judgment, knowing everyone's perspective is personal... remaining curious and graciously accepting all input.
This entire video's succinct 20 minutes near perfectly encompass my Covid and post-Covid journaling journey... and I thank you for reminding me how valuable this introspection has been. I now feel seen and affirmed. I feel believed in hearing all of this from someone else.
Comfort fosters authenticity and authenticity stems from open honesty and accountability.
Thank you. I am so appreciative for this, Heidi.
Thank you for providing so much value to all of us. We need more people like you in the world Heidi!
The point you make at 23:30 is so perfect. What has our history done to our psychology? What do we live these lies about what it is to be human? This fake ideology that we're all taught and expected to live by, especially about feelings and emotions and how to deal with them has screwed us all up. Somehow, the forefathers of society declared that to be human was to rely totally on the rational mind and to ignore/suppress/dismiss our emotions... or rather retro-fit rationale onto them, which is what we actually do. So now we have a society that acts emotionally and lies to itself about why we behave in certain ways.
So excited for this series. What you’ve been doing here is helpful on so many levels for me personally. Thank you and keep up the great work!
Oh my GOD you are INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! You are the best on RUclips of the past several years ! I’ve been on here since 2014. Your videos are GOLD!!!! Thank you for your hard work!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Love you to.❤ Got to take care of myself, others, and my inner child.
Curiosity is the key!
7:16 what a great example of the basics laid out up to this point!
Yes! So many breakups are over one or both feeling abandoned for "being too much" (or its flipside, "not good enough") from assumptions and misunderstandings!
13:44 curiosity comes from being calm instead of defense.
14:42 this is a LARGE scale CULTURAL issue to call everyone a Narcissist instead of seeing the STRUCTURE pushing us into these relationships!
Dear Ms. Priebe, you've answered a whole lot of my own nagging personal questions about why I have acted the way I have for many years now. Many thanks for putting these things in terms I found far easier to understand than I have in 3 decades of reading other people's writings. I also think I was ready to hear what you had to say, because it's the deep sense of connectedness and relating that you've spoken about that I have longed for for most of my life. Thank you for loving me this way--- by sharing your own informed perspective on what it takes to "go deeper" in relationships and telling us how to get there.
What wonderful timing for this video!
Thank you for the reminder of AR 3 level framework around communication!
Also these two words stood out a a lot for me: Curiosity, and Presence - both of which I recently brought into an interaction with another.
This video brought up a sense of confidence, and peace regarding how I approached that interaction.
Your videos are such a brilliant, glowing addition to the world from my perspective.
Once again fantastic. ADHD with rejection sensitivity disorder and afraid of my initial emotions more than ever I have some work to do but want to do it
That third part, it's showing vulnerability without over sharing or trauma dumping. Showing you authentic self as well.
Timely as I was having some inner turmoil over this exact thing and lacked the vocabulary to express it beyond “something’s missing in how we connect”. Very much looking forward to the self-intimacy video. Thank you!
This video is the definition for precise and accurate. Marvellous content, thanks for this.
Heidi, please say more about this! Especially, relational communication & authentic relating. No one else is talking about intimacy & how strengthen & develop it. All search results for intimacy return stuff about sex.
You have to have 2 (or more) willing participants. So don’t knock yourself out trying with those who aren’t willing.
I tried this after finding your video over a year ago with someone I really fell for. He stayed pretty congruent too in telling me he was falling for me. I'm scared to watch your make it or break it video now because we ended before we really even began. It destroyed me. I asked for help, real help, the kind that my inner child has been quietly crying for for 30+ years thanks to your videos. And while I'm glad I put myself out there, that was the moment I felt him leave. I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. I have a fantastic therapist and I still don't hand the courage to ask and commit for what I needed last January. What I needed for years. What I still need now.
I just wanted to cry in front of someone. I struggle with this so much. I just wanted to be held and to have someone hold a safe space for me to be sad without feeling like I'll be yelled at for it, accused of it being some kind of strategy, dismissed, or even abandoned. I don't know if I'll ever get to. All of those things have happened. I am losing hope. Enough that I decided to do ECT and accept the risks.
omg - the timing of this ! May have saved my relationship. It’s mostly ‘informational’. My job to change that :)
Absolutely amazing ❤️ couldn’t have been explained or demonstrated any better, clearer or more comprehensive within this time frame. Thank you so much 🌸 I hope as many people as possible hear and benefit from this. Relating can be so beautiful and healing 🌺
You've been helping me so much. This channel is probably my most valuable subscription.
Thank you so much for existing and doing what you do. Your video is yet again incredibly helpful to me. I am in tears because I feel so supported and understood.
Wow!! Thank you for this!! Helpful doesn't even begin to describe this video. INTERNET GOLD right here folks!! 🙏
Thank you for the amazing challenge!
This gave me so much nourishing insight to chew on & apply!!!
I actually find it incredibly natural to be relationally curious about people, but I take a while to work up the nerve & strategies to ask them about their queues, and then the unhad discussions just stack up on my back burners until I become very stressed.
You did a rarely excellent job of pointing out how it is often our decision when we don't cultivate any of these most fulfilling relationships, however, and pinpointing exactly how we are failing our selves in these ways. :-)
Your smile is also upliftingly pretty.
I really love your videos. I’m struggling with some parts of relationships and I’ve never understood why. You’ve really helped me to think about my behaviour and you’ve given me the courage to try being more vulnerable however scary it is.
This is the first time I've seen Heidi.
Heidi's definition of Intimacy is an excellent definition IMO. When challenged about my motives 15 years ago I arrived at the same definition, and have found it unsurpassed both as a direction to walk (or avoid) and as a measure of 'where are we right now?'
I'm so grateful to Heidi for having put time and thought into this. It becomes a very strong indication to me that I can trust what she is saying ....
Being in a relationship is the fastest way to feel lonely.
That is so distorted. Fix your attitude
Being in a bad*** relationship is.
I came across your channel for the first time yesterday and am absolutely loving your videos. Your insights, your wisdom, your way of looking at the world and sharing it through your videos are very generous. One very grateful new subscriber here!
Thank you so much for this! This is the content I have been looking for for over two years since I started trying to heal my attachment
I am one of those who avoids the relational and even most of the personal because universally whenever I attempt to delve into the personal, to share my experience or perspective, I am met with judgment and micro-aggressions. People fail to see or even consider my perspective and by their words, expressions and body language make it clear they're not interested. So why would I want to build a bridge to that. All it's going to do is run me down and make me feel even worse than I already do. And, if they can't see me and the struggles I've faced and carry with me daily, then their perspective is irrelevant.
As you mentioned we live in a conflict society, and as a result most people cannot be trusted with personal feelings, experiences, perspectives and trauma. Most people just aren't capable of connecting on a deeper level, let alone relating.
"When we are in that state of defense & of trying to impress someone, all we are really thinking about is our own self-image. What do I wanna make known about me in this interaction? How do I want them to perceive me?"
👍
This is so great, exactly what I needed to hear right now. I definitely struggle understanding when I am or am not being intimate, and it simply being communicating with someone in the present moment about what it's like right then to be with them is precisely what I avoid doing. Sounds terrifying just describing it.
This is just MIND BLOWING. No words can describe my gratitude for having you and your videos in my life.❤🙏❤
Thank you! Thank you so much! I needed this, a clearly stated definition of intimacy, something I think I instinctively knew but could not describe and couldnt work towards as a result.
Thank you so much for all your recent posts. Helping. ❤️
Sooo insightful and it’s giving me soo much to unpack from my last and only longterm relationship of 11 years. Thank you soo much putting in the work in your own life to be able to share it with us 😊🙏
Wow.. this resonates with me so strongly, and explains so many things and feelings I have experienced! Always felt shame for not feeling erudite enough, I was somehow never interested in remembering facts. Thought that something was wrong with me and pushed myself to learn stuff, unsuccessfully. After listening to you, I now understand that I am always interested in depth and genuine connections much more than in the informational level of communication. So nothing is wrong with me, I just have other interests. Such a release! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 😌💚🙏
I think you hit the nail on the head at the end there. We all have trouble being honest and we're very good at lying to ourselves and others. Of course there are layers to that. Layers of truth, layers of boxes we put ourselves in. There were a few moments when you mentioned a lasting relationship. I think if we're honest, a lot of us are scared, and for good reason, that over the long term compatibility changes. I heard one coach put it something like " the longer the relationship goes the more likely you'll run into even more incompatibility". Even if you were very good at relating at a that relational level together, which most aren't, it doesn't mean one of those incompatibilities won't show up over time and at some point it might even be irreconcilable after deep investment. That is life changing. And for most who are not relating at that level, they build on the foundational lie and then when the incompatibility becomes apparent or a new one shows up, it all crumbles.
it's very dynamic, and there's so much more here. I'm not convinced education would "help" relationships go "better". We might need to reconsider how we do our culture and society and thereby our relationships in light of being more relational.
Probably the best video I've ever watched on RUclips ... I shared it with my most important friends and family.
i know several people that get angry if i go level 3. they really hate it and say "make your point already dont talk around the bush" . or they call ot "complaining" while i wasnt complaining, but just sharing my experience. Even if they are positive experiences they think it is negative.
I like to interview people for work newsletter and after a whole conversation about technical details i dare to ask a broader question at tge end "Tell me what led you to choose this profession, or how did you end up to be an expert in this" then the answer i got was "....????... o no i dont lke those questions". So especially the tech people cannot be interviewed at all. Their stories wont be read by anyone because you might as well read the manual. They really cannot be reflective. Once someone called it "philosophy"... just asking someones insentives is apperently very deep philosophical. While to me that is a coffeechat.
This is really transformational, thank you for presenting it in such a clear, easy to grasp and practical way! This helps me with where
I am in my own growth process right now. It is fun to listen to you and life changing at the same time. I think you are really genius in your own way of shining this clear light into the dark unconscious corners of our mind. Thank you for being as you are and sharing it with us!
Blatant truths are the most refreshing, the most fearsome, and the hardest to see.
Wow this video is gold! Thank you so very much for explaining this in such a clear and concise format. I finally understand how to take it to the next level more consistently and give myself credit for the times I’ve been completely vulnerable in the past without realizing that’s what I was doing. Now I’m ready to practice more! Thank you! Many blessings to you! 🙏🏻💖✨
A very timely new concept. Been a focal point of my life, but recently this has taken me deep inside.
Definitely more challenging and more rewarding than complacency. But a bit earth shattering ❤to my heart to realize that I missed this up until now
-Matt’s dad