I mean, I don't people, please my job Is something I take Seriously because my other Job is that the Government pays for my house And I get to take care Of my crew also I have a lawer for Girlfriend who is a very expensive lawyer
people-pleasing = parent-pleasing it comes from early childhood when we couldn't be ourselves but had to be what our parents wanted or needed. we had to please them to survive. this carries into adulthood and gets generalized into 'people-pleasing' because of that early template that was formed ('this is what i must do to survive. people won't love me unless i make them happy.')
I can relate. I feel like I have to always give ppl some sort of value. If not, I feel like I am not worthy of their time. Any ways that you can stay authentic to yourself?
@@I-am-MyOwnFlashlightso what is wrong with this? It sounds like you are doing exceptionally at your JOB. How does this become something you need to unlearn?
This is why I feel all teenagers should rebel and reset the ownership of their actions going forward. Parents need to allow their offspring to reject all their teachings, removing parental blame as the offspring moves into adulthood.
An underrated element of secure relationships is that, once you are no longer neurotically pleasing your partner to keep them in the relationship, you then get to anticipate and meet your partners wants/needs in a normal and cute way. Simple shit like starting their car on a cold day. It’s so hard to see and feel the love in small things like that when you’re doing them out of fear.
@@StevenP726 Non sense ad absurdum et ad nauseam….in fact I have shined the light of day….on the crux of all modern self help/relationship advice-Coaching-Cyber Complex. You just don’t like it. I stand by what I have said. You’re just going to have to live with it.
People Pleasing can also harm the trust you have in a relationship. I discovered my now ex-wife was people pleaser when I discovered that she would agree to do things, that she didn't want to do, then feel resentful for agreeing to do it. Over time I stopped asking her to do anything, because I couldn't trust that she would tell me the truth.
I have someone who I thought was a close friend who was/is the same way. I realize now I was projecting onto that relationship; the nanosecond I was no longer their business partner I literally simply didn't exist to them; it was a devastating discard. We have since reconciled in a manner of speaking but when they offer to hang out I will just let them come to me. I don't want to create what I think are cherished memories and then find out weeks or months later that they resent the time spent together and/or were just using me to avoid something else.
Thank you for sharing. I believe I may be doing this to my boyfriend, and I'm only recently realizing just how unfair it is. It's building a lot of resentment in me, and it's been subconsciously causing a lot of arguments this past week or so. May I ask how you would have liked your ex wife to approach the situations she didn't want to engage in? I struggle with understanding the gap between how differently men and women think, so I don't know if just being direct is the way to go or if I'm overthinking it. And honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm afraid will happen if I disagree with him. Thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing well these days, OP.
I'm not OP, but I've been there on the other side. So I can take you through what it may be like on the other side. Doing this will take some internal work on your part. You're going to need to be brave enough to speak up and to believe deeply enough in this to follow through even if things don't go well at first. You'll need to state your needs or wants. You'll also need to explain yourself. The same way that you just mentioned all of this to us, you should mention this to your bf. And tell him that you'll start to be more open with what you actually want. Be forewarned that he may not like it at all at first, but you're watching a video that explains how this will lead to deeper intimacy. So give him the vision of how this temporary discomfort will yield deeper intimacy between you two, a happier version of you, and a better relationship between you two. Also realize that despite the outcome, YOU NEED to do this work in order to better show up for yourself and be authentic. Hope this helps.
For my and my ex gf was the same, she never talked about the things she didn't like, we had grown apart because of this, and one day we just broke up. Then I discovered all the things she hated about me and the things she never agreed to do.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I thought I am alone in this. Once I told my bf his "screw ups" or emotional burdens come from people pleasing, he told me how some of his answers where autopilot ppl pleasing. I still try to recover and see where he truly wants to make me happy and where he just does so once out of fear.... I don't want to make him fear me of my needs that I checked throught the years. I want both of us to be happy.
You're some kinda genius I think. I have never before heard the concept of intimacy explained so well. Some people spend a lifetime re-learning these skills because they were never modeled by caregivers. And here they are in a 23 min download. I hope you know you are helping change the world. I remain in awe of, and in gratitude for, the gifts you share here.
Second this. I am genuinely excited to live in a world where so many of us are recognising through videos like these who/what/how we want to be in the world and are willing to change for it.
Sometimes we're so desperate to get along with someone that we fake an entire personality just to not be excluded or rejected. The better approach is to be yourself and find people who embrace differences and make being alone just as good as any other option.
The problem is it's incredibly difficult to find such people. So few people know how to handle conflict and/or differences, I don't think I'm wrong to be highly reluctant to be myself fully. Being alone sometimes feels like the only option
I realised yesterday that I spent my entire childhood trying to reassure my mom. Only to realise that she not only didn't notice, but she also refused point blank to do the same for me. I literally could have destroyed myself and she would just ignore me. Finally understand why I'm chasing unavailable people!
I’d only ever heard of people-pleasing being explained as a manipulation tactic to get needs met, as opposed to being explained as self-abandonment to get needs met and that leading to relational issues, thank you so much for sharing this, it’s a much more compassionate take which really clarifies a lot.
It’s going to sound sappy, but I was greeted returning from overseas in a positive way. My understanding is most Vietnam vets were NOT treated well upon returning stateside…welcome home. Thank you for your service. ❤
I had a breakthrough moment a few days ago where I was able to look at myself and say “stop keeping your mouth shut. Stop going along.” I was high on gummies and had this whole plan for enjoying a nice shower while my partner was eating his ice cream. My partner followed me into the shower and tried to get frisky. I wasn’t having it and he was confused. Eventually I said I just want to take my shower, can you leave? He said he was sorry. I said I’m gonna need more than that (we had talked a few weeks ago about what I need for an effective apology). He said okay and left. I took my shower and my vibe was kind of messed up but I tried to enjoy it. I thought about it. Then I tried to think about his perspective. I realized that I never had actually told him what my plan was and I had never told him that I’m uncomfortable when he starts something without asking me (we’ve done shower stuff many times in the past). So I was like oh…this is a moment where I need to recognize this is a boundary for me and explain my feelings without judgment. So I did. I came out of the bathroom and said, actually I don’t need an apology from you. I explained what he did and how it made me feel and I said I don’t want you following me into the shower anymore unless you ask first. So I guess that’s more of an expectation. He was like wow, I had no idea. And I was like I know. For the first time I was able to understand that I had never first explained my boundary before getting mad about being invaded. I guess I just felt like it was obvious because my ego or something was screaming at me like Hello?! This is obvious! But it’s not. I’m heartbroken for all the times I’ve ignored and abandoned my inner child. I did that. This is the first huge milestone for healing.
In a way, your perspective makes sense. It is how you feel about it. However, it’s different from mine as a man; it almost sounds like you are saying he needs to ask permission for a specific time or place before he’s able to have physical intimacy with you, which is a huge relationship killer. Men and women are different, despite the political correctness train. It doesn’t mean that either of us is necessarily bad, just different. A big problem comes when we think the love needs of our partner are foolish or stupid or not as important as ours are because they are different than our needs. I know this from personal experience, when a man has to jump through hoops, or be a good boy, or say or do the right things, or mind read to get his needs met, your relationship takes a downward turn quickly. Then, when you are feeling unloved and empty, your woman wants you to spend more time with her and not have physical intimacy, so that she just ‘feels good,’ which drains you even further. Then she will also criticize these needs or desires you have as being a crazy, irrational male, chauvinistic, or abusing women, or all kinds of guilt, shaming and mind games. Both of your love needs are equally important, and when they get off balanced things fall apart. If you truly love him, you will work to balance both of your needs in this area and be careful that you don’t push him away. Otherwise, he is going to start resenting you if he doesn’t already. He is probably hurting, but he doesn’t want to tell you. Men and women have different organs and hormone levels, as well as physical and emotional needs on a spectrum. This is not just a man being a pig, or not caring about women, it’s a man saying that if you make sex and physical intimacy a “treat” or a bonus, or a nice thing, “once in a while,” it will destroy your relationship. If it were me, as the man, what would have been better, would be for you to tell him how you feel, and then say you were tired at this time and offer a different time later that same day to be physically intimate. Then you approach him later - even in a sultry way - that will build passion and desire. That way, he knows you’re not rejecting him and you still do care deeply about him and your relationship. For most men, sex creates connection, but for many women, it follows connection. It’s like a feedback loop or a circle where each affects the other. Both of you have a love needs tank, and if it gets too low, you can’t give each other what the other needs because you are starving. All that to say good for you to speak how you’re feeling rather than suppress it. I was raised with that programming and have been working to overcome it, but have been in relationship with someone who just railroads boundaries and doesn’t really care about what I want, and when I speak up, it gets stomped down. Of course, this really destroys your relationship. PS (sorry it’s getting verbose): I reread the beginning, and just thought of one more thing : when he apologized, and then you rejected his apology and said it needed to ‘be a different way,’ - your way. That is a land mine. It’s his apology and if it’s from the heart you need to accept it. Don’t micromanage HOW he apologizes or thinks. That is extremely invalidating and disrespectful to him. How would you feel if you made a mistake and you told him “I’m sorry”, and he told you, “no you’re not, I don’t believe you! I want you to say these five words, and stand over there with this tone of voice and a huge checklist… “ when you simply want to apologize?” this is another way relationships are destroyed and I know this from personal experience. You didn’t tell him what you were planning to do, nor how you felt. He had no idea. Then when he wanted to be intimate, you rebuffed him and criticized him for apologizing “the wrong way.” You guilted, shamed, and disrespected him as a man. As a person. Next time if you have a specific plan, say hey I’m gonna take a shower , but I’m tired and want to do it alone or something to let him know. Maybe there are subtle hints and cues that women might understand, but a man will not understand unless you just say it. We don’t like to play games or guilt or beat around the bush with stupid stuff. It is loving and kind to let him know what you’re thinking and to let him know that you love him and are glad to be with him. All these thoughts are from the heart. In the past, I would never speak my mind like this, because the people pleaser doesn’t wanna rock the boat ! but it is part of my growth journey. sometimes men and women butt heads over stupid things, and they escalate into big arguments, when deep down we really want love and connection even if it’s in different ways. ❤
@@mokyan7 I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs and respects you. Be careful about how to use your words. They project your own thoughts and desires. He is very happy with me and tells me how he feels. This was not a matter of killing intimacy, although that’s important as well. This was a matter of learning to recognize my feelings and using my assertive voice.
You have distilled my entire relational history into a 23 minute video, lol. Wow. These days with some recovery under my belt, I find pseudo intimacy to be tremendously unsatisfying. Now comes the hard part, developing skills, learning how to navigate conflict rather than avoid it, and tapping into self-awareness to recognize when my boundaries are being violated.
This is some sort of a strange limbo for me - not yet being able to live healthier, yet at the same time realizing full well that I really can't go back to the way I was, to my old behaviours and old relationships 😅
same. I'm now at a stage where I have enough self-worth to not find ppl pleasing satisfying for more than a moment, and in touch with myself enough to know I'm not satisfied, if not in the moment then at least shortly afterward. but I'm very afraid of conflict (pry as afraid of my emotions getting out of control generally), and very few ppl would work hard enough to signal that it's safe to have conflict w them/that they like me regardless. so I'm mostly avoiding all connection but my psychoanalyst and a co-counseling friend (who's a therapist) who rly went out of the way early on to convince me it's okay to be real with her. at this point I'm kinda okay with little shame/high trust, will be open and active in various online spaces or at times even trying irl events, so there will even be candidates for connection that seem interested.. and I just went thru 3-4 of those over the past two weeks doing a long talk/walk, falling a bit into ppl pleasing, doing a bit of therapy and listening and validation on them that I'm good at, not having my needs met, not feeling like seeing them again. I dunno what's the way out, continuing getting some corrective experiences in therapy, mb vulnerability-focused spaces, working on the core fears around tolerating feelings and rejections and such. But I don't see relationships working out with me in my current state unless I find somebody special who's a therapist personality enough to lure me out of my shell.
Remember that a boundary you don’t set is not the same as a violation. Letting go of the self righteousness and control of not sharing your needs so you can punish them and self-justify keeping your distance, is a huge part of allowing the other person to see the real you so they can show you the other half of intimacy
I grew up in a family system where ANY conflict resulted in immediate rejection - from my dad thru explosive raging, spewing anger and demeaning comments, then stomping out of the room with coldness. With mom any type of disagreement or not aligning with her viewpoint brought on rejection thru passive-aggressive means. Giving me the cold shoulder, snide remarks, not talking to me for days on end. This is how my whole family deals with conflict - by not dealing with it. I realized that my fear, my terror and difficulty in opening my mouth to even speak my truth, hold me back, locks me away and I am always shut down inside, always waiting for the slightest difference of opinion, or expressing a need to lead to a verbal attack. What I learned to do was slowly hide the parts of myself that would cause these eruptions. Survival. Survival by means of annihilation of self. People pleasing at the cost of myself. This is my biggest struggle and so far my hardest thing to overcome. I still find myself, at the end of the day, reviewing every conversation I've had, mulling over every wrong thing I might have said, did I do someting or say something that made someone reject me. This happens mostly with family. I am getting better with that, but family dynamics are the worst for triggers. So painful to recognize this. So hard to start tearing down the lies I learned about myself and building up my truth. Thanks to people like Heidi I have a blueprint for finding my way home to me. ❤😊🙏
This video is right on time. I'm struggling with this with a partner. I'm very open about my boundaries and what I'm unable to do/give/, so this behavior puzzles me. However, my partner will say/do/think whatever they believe I'm thinking to draw us closer. If I ask them for a favor and it's out of their bandwidth, they will still do it and harbor secret resentment/passive aggression that they're "working so hard for this relationship", when I gave them the option to refuse. It's confusing and hurtful because obviously, they fear being abandoned/the relationship ending. I want them to know it's okay to be disagreed with, even in a relationship. I'm willing to work on the relationship but it isn't easy when there are constantly different versions of the truth and expectations. Thank you!
I'm separating right now with a 2.5yo and a 6mo kids. No need to say how painful and difficult this is. I was having precisely this problem. And it won't stop after separation as she is a pleasing mother, which makes early education for my children more difficult for me. I truly wish you luck and all the best.
This extends way beyond just the people closest to you. The best way to gains anyone's respect is through conflict I got into a very large argument with a VP at work about what we were doing and not agreeing with the direction. It was honestly not a pretty conversation at all and likely embarrassing for the both of us. Good thing I did though, he rethought the strategy and started to ask my opinion as it progressed. By standing up to him I subconsciously told him that I was worth listening to and I had a raise in my pocket a couple months later Also, I run a community (150+ people) in an online video game. We have had players with us for 5 years now, the ones that stick around the longest are the ones we have conflict with, which is then resolved. The ones that stay with us the shortest are those that never state that something is wrong on their side, and flat out refuse to hear what is wrong on the other side
The more security we earn, the more flexibility and freedom we have in our thinking!! If we can't be honest with someone, we cannot have true intimacy with them!! So true! Amazing!
I just started dating again after a six year break from doing it and I'm immediately recognizing how quick and willing I am to self-abandon. This series of videos will be very helpful to me and my future partners. Thank you.
Not me pressing the "Share" button and looking for the option that sends this video back in time to 20-year-old me with a note saying "watch this once a week until you stop avoiding intimacy" 😅
I stumbled upon your channel in December 2023 & it completely changed my life. I listened & re-listened to you every day for hours & hours for 6 weeks straight, soaking in everything and transforming myself from the inside out. I cannot express what a difference you have made for me and my relationships, including those with my partner and my children. I have shared your videos with my friends and talk about your videos to anyone who will listen. I am definitely becoming more healthy & secure every day. I had never heard of co-regulation or self-regulation before and had no idea what to do with my giant emotions. I didn't know how to use them or how to control my reactions to them. I didn't understand before why my relationship felt so off-kilter or how to fix myself. I felt so broken! But, your way of presenting these concepts made me finally grasp it all! How could you understand me better than I understood myself? It was just one epiphany after another. And now when I find myself struggling with old patterns, ruminating, and wondering how to get my feet back on solid ground, I return and listen again and again. I just wished there were more videos because I have listened to everything so many times already! And then you posted yesterday and it was exactly the message I needed to hear! Thank you for returning. You are changing lives, Heidi! I never ever write RUclips comments, but I can't hold this in. This is my favorite channel hands down and I will be hungrily awaiting for more because I never get tired of hearing your voice & message. I can't afford "therapy" per se, but even if I could, I would still prioritize listening to your content, as it is the highest quality therapy that I can imagine. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ~Melanie
This has been on my watch later playlist for a long time. I’m so glad I finally watched it. The concepts and explanations of what happens in these dynamics are clear. No fluff, no buzzwords, just clarity. Thank yiu
22:45 That feeling of abandoning myself in the moment use to feel like a flood that I had no control over due to the fear of how I might be rejected or how they might treat me if I were to express my thoughts. After three years of putting in the work of introspection, journaling, shadow-work and watch channels like yours, that feeling to abandoned myself became a realization that I was betraying myself. To betray myself in the moment, is to abandoned my future self. "Peace comes from honesty, honesty bring peace" Y'all have a wonderful day.
❤ I've watched the majority of your video's over the last months, just finished one and there you are again. Thank you Heidi for sharing everything you know and learned with us, you're making such a positive impact on so many lives in such a unique way. Congratulations on your beautiful channel & community, I'm glad and thankful to be part of it.
Let me share something. I had been craving for this moment when my relationship would change. I had always thought the change should be from my husband but, after I watched this video, everything changed. This video opened my eyes. I started crying after the first 5 minutes, when I related to it completely and could understand why I was unhappy. I have a history of people pleasing as a child and I knew I was in a pattern, but you showed me the effect of this in my relationship. Then I understood why I did so many bad things to him and to myself. I've been a new person ever since. Thank you for this.❤
Heidi's work awe-inspiring. I'm constantly watching and rewatching her videos because every one of them teaches me something new. As a psychologist (who wrote part of my doctoral dissertation on attachment theory), I have recommended Heidi Priebe's channel more times than I can count to the people who've entrusted themselves to my care because her ability to synthesize and communicate this information in practical and life-giving ways is *remarkable.* And, frankly, her talent far exceeds my ability to do the same. Heidi, thank you for sharing your knowledge and your incredible gift for teaching with the world.
Yup, I needed to hear this today. I'm currently staying in connection with someone that I haven't fully healed from yet and part of me knows I just need space from, but that means taking the risk of saddening them, drifting apart, or losing out on whatever positive interactions might be in store in the near future. This video reminds me that I'd really only be missing out on pseudo-intimacy anyway as I can feel myself masking and self-abandoning in order to stay in connection atm. This channel is right up there with the most profound resources I've encountered for navigating life and healing, there's already enough material on it to last a lifetime. Thanks Heidi, I'm sure I'll be recommending your channel for as long as the Internet exists xD
"...in order to stay in connection with other people, we have to be in brutally honest connection with ourselves...when it comes to maintaining intimacy." This was the crescendo that took my breath away. I LOVE the phrase "in brutally honest connection with ourselves." It stirs every ounce of my internal courage to reach for what I really desire. Heidi, although I might not want a flow chart every time because it distracts from the connection your eyes provide to your message, this time, the flow chart was a powerful visual. And again, of course, a flow chart (!) because your ability to take a macro-, mysterious human experience and break it into its most understandable micro-units of meaning is your superpower!
Yes! I also liked when she said, "Healthy self responsible conflict is a humongous factor that goes into building intimacy". If someone constantly disrespects your point of view even if you say it as kindly and considerately as is possible- time to break up with them!! Relationships need both people to have a growth mindset.
You made my day. In my marriage I almost always am the people-pleaser and abandon myself for avoiding conflict at all costs. In fact I never felt true intimacy accept in limerence. But I never knew, how small it starts. And I remember all these little events and how I used them to adapt to my partner. “If you get along unhurt, use these little learnings …” and wider the gap. That’s what I did. Never had seen it so clear: I’m a dam coward. I always was.
Friend, another way to abandon yourself is to speak poorly of yourself for not knowing then what you are beginning to know now. Instead of calling yourself a coward, consider that you learned to adopt behaviours that ensured your survival in situations you did not feel equipped to navigate with the skills/knowledge you had at the time. But now, you are coming to know. You might find it really helpful to do self-compassion therapy alongside this work, as the perfect companion. Videos all over RUclips on it, I believe pioneered by Kristen Neff. There are many others though. Walk yourself back home kindly and compassionately.
@@VivianGray88 thanks very much. You were on the point. Also for your good advice. I had a therapy and came across my survival strategy. But it’s hard to turn knowledge into practice. My wife is so much stronger than me. And sill I have high bodyreactions during and before conflicts. Considering have some chemical help there, just to make at least one successful stand. Growing hurts, even when you are a 51 y o child/coward/betamale/imposter
@@thomasalbers6102this beta- alpha discussion that is so much going on these days is just weird. One can be confident without excerting dominance over others. Just learn to accept yourself and grow confidence from that - irrespective of comparison with others.
Thankyou Thankyou Heidi, I have been trying to get my husband to understand this premise for over thirty years of marriage I am so burnt out. He is the most scared people pleaser especially to me. There is just no truth between us and he just keeps going along like it is fine. Now he’s watching this video I can only hope that this will finally show him how he destroys us, he loves me so much but it’s almost like he can’t see past that and it’s all for love, you’re the best Heidi 😊😢
Sharing dissent with people outside of my close circle is relatively easy for me but I've gone to great lengths to avoid conflict with those close to me. Thank you for helping me to understand why I've been stuck in this self-destructive pattern and showing me that there is a way out.
I know I'm not the only one to say this, but your work is a gift. Recently, I felt myself spiraling into limerence again for the first time in years. I was able to notice the signs, and I returned to your videos. They grounded me in reality and empowered me to pull myself out of the situation. You are providing us with truly life-changing information. Thank you!
"Intimacy = emotional co-regulation". 🤯 I had to stop the video right there for 10 minutes to let that sink in. Very little of my previous relationships (parents/friends/partners) stands out to me as authentic manifestations of such a concept. I'm not a diagnosed avoidant but I do recognize plenty of avoidant behaviors in how I have faced conflicts. Your video is finally waking me up. Thank you.
I just realized I don’t authentically know myself. I have spent so much of my life pleasing others, I don’t know who I am or what I want or need. Thank you Heidi!
In a nutshell, you completely explained why the recent relationship I was in just ended. Thank you so much! It’s still fresh in my thoughts and now I can relate to what happened. I knew my partner was people-pleasing me, but I did not know how to show up. It felt fake, like I was living in a lie and I kept thinking something was wrong with me for having resistance. The verbal understanding of reward vs risk is now in my toolbox and pseudo-intimacy is my new favorite word!!
Great flowchart, very informative. I've found intimacy isn't possible when the disagreement is around abuse, neglect, and dehumanization. You can't create intimacy with abusers, enablers and bullies. You can't create intimacy with racists, sexists, and bigots. Best to cut your losses and find healthier people to attempt intimacy with.
In my relationship with my wife. We had argument about a text. She asked me to do something and I did it and responded. The problem was what I did was not really what she was asking me to do. So when she got home a big fight. I felt she 100% wrong and she felt I was 100% wrong. So I told her we are both right. I explained that in my perception I read that text my way and correctly. That her perception she wrote the text in her way she too did so correctly. Both of our experiences are valid. Sure it lead to screw up but the screw up isn't as important as that fact that we both experienced that text exchange differently. In the end text really isn't a good communication tool for something important as texting is missing 1/2 the conversation. There is voice tone and body language missing. What I found in the argument was just validating my wife's experience as different than mine equally helped a lot. I could have gone people pleasing and agreed with her about that her experience was only valid one but that would lead to resentment in long run. Watched this a this example just popped into mind.
You are very good at keeping it simple and to avoid simplistic explanations in order for us to fully understand what is really going on. I marvel at how this material is rich conceptually and how clearly it is delivered.
This was a great video. Thank you very much. I had a strong realization of the pattern of people-pleasing that I have displayed. Not just doing things for people so they’ll like you but also with keeping true thoughts and feelings underwraps. Ultimately leading to the demise of my true self or the relationship.
Thank you for sharing this information. This clarifies so much for me. There were a lot of ego defenses exchanged by my parents during my developmental years. There was so much shame that hovered in my home atmosphere. Being brutally honest was dangerous because no one wanted to be abandoned or rejected. Unfortunately, I became a people-pleaser to counteract my mother's BPD symptoms. This is a real eye-opener.
This gave me so much clarity and it was very inspiring. "To stay always in touch with the other, prioritize staying always in touch with the self." Beautiful quote. I will try to remember that every time I feel myself wanting to people-please.
wow, hot new heidi drop! I love the visual. As a neurotic individual, I've always believed that there's a vast network of unseen and difficult-to-mindmap network of truths and contingencies when it comes to strong and deep connection, and it goes to show how much both courage and comprehension and honesty goes into navigating pursuit of real authentic intimacy. I would add a side branch from rejection and possibly elsewhere a section for grief, it feels like an important biproduct or element to the flow chart, and how a lack thereof possibly creates mental dissonance or painful confusion/feeling stuck/ looping back to learned ego defense thanks for sharing your knowledge and work!
This was extremely illuminating. Made me cry at one point as I realised some of the mechanics at work in a previous relationship, and also the desire in myself to please others that I brought to it and how it destroyed much of our intimacy. Thank you!
I really connected to this video - it's currently part of my journey as someone who has been fearful about showing the real me during my life and marriage. I deeply feel that better intimacy has only started to happen after committing to greater honesty - still a work in progress but I really want more of this change!
I'm finally in a place in my healing that I can start resolving my fear of abandonment and people-pleasing behaviors. Thank you for addressing and explaining this topic so thoroughly!
Waow you are such a precise and genius machine with no inch of useless word. I know this intuitively but you explaining it plain like that really got me deeply. First time, i just discovered you, im gonna watch your other content.
i have learned so much from your videos over the last 6 months. have been going through a breakup and you have helped me tremendously to navigate some really difficult circumstances and emotions. thank you.
I am so grateful for the work Heidi is sharing. I have been feeling stuck in therapy and personal development for a while now and her videos are finally giving me a new reason to continue with the work. As I watch her videos so many doors continue to open up, doors I was totally unaware they were even there. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Heidi ❤ you're true blessing
Oh my god, I used to read your articles about MBTI when I was in highschool over 10 years ago, and they were so helpful in helping me understand and deal with issues throughout my relationships and family. This popped up in my feed and I thought it sounded interesting so I was listening while walking and I was like "wow this is a really clear way of stating what I've come to learn over the past 10 years", and then I looked at the video again and noticed your name! Thank you Heidi helping me put my thoughts into words through several stages of my life
Yup. Normal people also sometimes don't recognize their partner is doing it and lose all trust in them when they realize they were just doing wtvr they THOUGHT their partner wanted and none of it was ever authentic. It's extremely selfish behaviour.
Thank you Heidi, this video (among a lot of things) helped me realise something about my last relationship. He, like anyone, had opinions I didn’t agree with and I would voice them to him. I can see now that he was not interested in a collaboration of minds. His end goal was always to be right and maintain his beliefs to be exactly as they were when we met, and because of that he’d get defensive and make me feel like a cruel person for attacking his interests. This video has put into perspective that I was attempting this honest conflict. I have had a difficult time building relationships in any capacity ever since being with him because he subconsciously taught me that the honest conflict described in this video is cruel and conceited behaviour. Looking forward to rebuilding that back up now ❤️
"be yourself" is such simple advice that everyone gives as advice on finding relationships. This approach has led me to recognize the fear I have when connecting with new people, and how I compensate for that fear. This video fills in the gaps that I was having trouble understanding. It IS scary to forge new relationships and open yourself up to conflict, but now I see that conflict is a necessary step and shouldn't be avoided as long as both individuals are being true to themselves. I'd love some videos on attachment styles and when to recognize them influencing your reactions to conflict
I feel like this describes how to establish an extremely healthy base in a relationship to resolve conflict, but then stops short of what to do once you get to that place. To say, I’d love for a follow up video. I feel like you actually understand a lot of the very abstract and deep concepts, which feels incredibly rare.
The is potentially the most valuable relationship/intimacy video I have ever seen in my entire life. I have been studying these topics specifically for the last eight years at this point, and this is just the most clear/concise description of how authenticity (or lack thereof) affects intimacy. Thank you so much for making this video. In this moment, it feels like it has changed my life. I sure hope I can remember to watch it over and over again lol. Thank you!
It is really hard to understand that you may have contributed to lack of true intimacy as much as an avoidant partner. Thanks for this excellent video Heidi. We must dare to face reality, even it is so hard!
heidi you seriously need to write a book, you would be a best seller with your amazing way of communicating and giving such depth to every topic you brace. your videos have helped so many people and have been such a big part of my journey to self acceptance and addressing my personal issues. thank you.
Heidi gives us all a glimpse of light in a world of darkness. I’m in love with your work ❤ (and thank you for all the marvelous resources you’ve given me and my partner)
What I like about your way of explaining things is that you simplify the subject enough for emotionally stunted people like me to reason the problems and generate a better response later. I'll genuinely try and be honest and emotional if it is a method.
I'm in LA, so there are many individuals I run into as friends who aren't able to be trusted in this way. If they say something political during normal business conversation (often reactive, conspiratorial thinking with heavy emotional and ego investment), you could offer a better viewpoint. But they often take that as an invitation to lash out, intending professional consequences. You don't want to be known as "the guy who doesn't go along with [whatever nonsense or lie]", you have your own creative journey to live, so you end up being quiet, and shaping the relationship so that problem person doesn't have more leverage to harm you. It's a weird dynamic where the crazies are the most vocal
I know what you mean. I cope by seeing those types as devoutly religious - even though that's never how they'd identify themselves. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but some people can't keep personal and business/acquaintance relationships separate, and only want to interact with those who 100% share their opinions. It's weird to me, but that's their prerogative. Just know there are many, many people out there who you can work with who CAN tolerate hearing your true thoughts, even if they disagree - but you'll only make space for them in your life if you stop abandoning yourself to stay in the "good enough" friendship/career/city.
My grandma has this great phrase, she says “I’m not going there” or “I’m not going to go there” maybe you can start saying that, it sets a boundary about what your willing to talk about but also doesn’t give away your (potentially) conflicting opinion.
I sincerely appreciate this insightful and valuable information. And it's free! Here's my conundrum: the people I generally meet don't watch these posts. And so my "relationships" are generally - and I'll just have ask your forgiveness for this - like a trained boxer meets a street brawler. Know what I mean? "Oh you don't like what I said? Leave!" That's who I know. And that's why I have no real friends.
Probably the most powerful video I've ever watched. This goes deep for a lot of us here, I'm sure, and awakens me in particular to a lot of the stories I have been telling myself without realizing it, and educates me on how to acquire a skillset to help me be a better, more mature, and more authentic human being.
wow. exactly the video I needed to see. gives me courage to be more authentic because I want genuine intimacy. and more real relationships. the piece about adopting world view blew my mind. i know we all adopt stories about ourselves from childhood, but it just really struck me hearing it this time. and how i tend to do that all the time in order to have connection with others. amazing video. so fucking insightful. truly grateful for this content
Once again, your video lecture is revelatory! My friend is very stubborn. She prides herself on it, seemingly. Many times I have wanted to say, "Just because you are stubborn does not mean that you are right". This is probably a good place to introduce a recognition that we can have conflict of opinion without necessarily having a breakdown in our relationship. It seems like a statement that can be very true even if she believes that her stubbornness is somehow a mark of character. What I want to be careful to avoid is a sort of "I told you so..." response the next time her stubborn decision results in a poor outcome.
Thank you so much, Heidi. Truly. You've been more help to me than I could ever hope to express. I hope that all of the kindness and compassion that you've sent out into this world will return to you.
Spot on Heidi, Clear, concise and compassionate insight and advice around the conflict hub that scares us from authenticity. You genuinely help me grow. Thank you
This video is so helpful. Not to me unfortunalely. I'm just out of a relationship where the other had no trouble expressing when they're not happy, but only by getting furious and out of constructive discussion. And it was the same when I expressed any criticism even for minor things. I tried my best to talk through issues but it always ended in open arguments. And now it's over, yet I always had the best intentions. Relationships are hard 😞
This video resonates with me. I know I am a people pleaser, but it's interesting looking back at times where I have assented and dissented. The latter definitely feels more stressful, but like you said, high risk high reward. I think there are also times where I have assented to peer pressure, and ultimately I don't take back those decisions, but I would do it being more consciously aware of the lack of intimacy. (And I hope there will be times where this video gives me the strength to dissent honestly)
Sheesh! You dropped bar after bar in this video! I’ve shared this with my mom, as I found it incredibly helpful. I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on it and we can chat more about it! Your videos always give me the ability to dig a couple layers deeper, so thank you for this!
One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is that I don't think the way I love is wrong. I have always been extremely considerate of my partner, and not understood why absolutely nobody else can reciprocate and do the same, because if they could we would be just fine together. And I guess there's a terminology disconnect there, because that's what people have always called people pleasing for me, they always say that the problem is I'm "too nice", and that argument fills me with an anger too intense to describe.
Thanks for this video, Heidi! Also thanks for putting in a flow chart visual to go along with the video, as it helps really get where you're going with these concepts! The noticing dissent piece being separate from right and wrong (18:11) was also eye opening for me!
Heidi, I love your videos! Thank you for what you do. Only been watching for a couple months and have learned and understood more about myself than years of therapy. You break everything down to layman terms. And also show how you can correct or change ways of thinking in the exampled moments. The fact that you have been "there" and can relate gives far more insight than anyone I've met through therapy. Thank you!! All the best.
This was extremely helpful to me. I’ve been in a situation for a while where self abandonment has been unavoidable. While doing personal work on myself I have had to learn some of these things on my own but I feel like this reaffirms what I need to do and gives me more tools and knowledge to move forward in a healthy way. Thank you.
Thank you so much for creating this content, Heidi! I am really looking forward to this month's content (I am also slowly chewing through your earlier videos.) At the same time I am using The Artist's Way and journalling to help me process all of this content and recover myself. My husband and I both have abandonment issues from our childhoods, so definitely we are anxious/avoidant with each other. I have ghosted my presence in my own life. I am trying to recover presence and self trust. This video felt made just for me because it was so spot on. Ego response (vs humility and acceptance of subjective truth) descibes every argument's flash point with my husband. Arguments to him are zero-sum debates, bring all facts and correct definitions or he discredits the witness. Anything I say is cross examined for holes. I am doubted as soon as I use my voice to him. So our relationship is only transactional. This month's content is going to kick my ass. But I need this. Can I ask for you to consider some content? I thought empathy was my super-power. Trying to understand others' feelings in my youth both kept me safe, and helped me explain their actions to myself so I could try to see the best in them in order to forgive them. But I now think i was creating stories to tell myself to keep myself safe. Engaging with others, risks my getting rejected. These were fantasies of connection. Not real connection from being curious, seeing them, and vulnerably being seen. To understand my next thought puzzle, here is the story that launched me into examining it. I just saw a video of a girl who has a prosthetic leg. She was approached by someone who seemed curious at first about her experiences, but then he took over, speaking for her to describe what she must have gone through, what that must have been like, and then commended her for overcoming her challenges. He created her entire story. She was flabbergasted. She had barely spoke! He was rude; she was unseen. She wanted a term for what he had just done. "Mansplaining" wasn't it. So what fit? Someone else said in comments "ableistsplaining," or something close to that. But another commenter said "pre-empathy." I love this term. Empathy before or without real curiosity and real connection. It is a fantasy emotional connection based on an understanding of a fictional other person. Sorry, long ramble. But what that led me to is seeing that i pre-empathize all the time. (Not usually directly to the other, though.) Like people-pleasing, it prevents intimacy. Ok, so here is what I am wondering: is empathy necessary and healthy? Or is empathy an invasion of privacy that is none of my business? If empathy is healthy, what does it look like? Pre-empathy, well if it's that, it seems I am doing it wrong (even if I sometimes can guess the story correctly, it's creepy for the other person to experience that). Other random related thought, I am reading Coraline. Neil Gaiman does not ever tell what the characters are feeling to explain their reactions and actions. He describes the looks on their faces, and observable details. He leaves the subjective out. My thinking, fills in all the gaps for explaining emotional motives. But is the surface observation how Gaiman and other people usually experience the world? Is my empathy extraneous? Thinking like this gets into boundary work. I have never had a strong sense of where i end and others begin. My emotional feelers are always out to try to empathize. It can be intense and exhausting. How do I recognize in relationships what is a healthy distance? How can I trust others, and live and let live? I need to recenter myself, but I have no healthy model for what that looks like. I think you will understand how all of that connected and what I mean. Your thoughts?
This felt like a 55gal barral of water, that only took just over 23 mins of my thirstful chugging to finish off. Then once completed. I find myself asking. "plz. May I have another?" ❤❤😊😊 not just in what was said but a lot can be said of your impeccable delivery as well. Even through what little editing I Happen to noticed. You're engagement with my attention and how streamline My overall comprehension was damn near flawless. I only seen it once and I feel I wouldn't hear much that wasn't already delivered, received and secured were I want to watch it again. I feel like every person should watch this, hear this, remember this, use this. Whether they already knew or not. And if you understood how belief has been lately systematically removed from every aspect of what I used to call reality, you would better understand why I find myself a bit taken aback buy how readily and firmly these types of perspective, on what we should be keeping very close eyes on when attempting to realistically approach any all inclusive, meaningful, mutually rewarding Engagements of intimacy, that if I'd to guess, a vast majority of us were sadly never privy of how unaware to why, what the differences, where best to look to check if we're still on the path we, at the start, had intended to still be. If not, what change to our behavior might we implement that would lead our discourse to correction lol. Mmmhmm. Top notch. BRAVO. Chefs kiss 😘 and on humanities behalf, I'd graciously like to say. Thank you thank you, - eternally yours. - - Noone ❤🎉
Thank you for this. I was just in a new relationship and the person decided to evaluate me without prompt or request and I felt that the evaluation was incorrect and even harsh. After telling him I was hurt and angered by the accusation, (because the definition and his reasoning didn't match up) I tried to take some time to feel my feelings and process. I wanted to be sure I wasn't coming from egotistical reasoning. However, he bombarded me with text after text explaining why it was okay that he said what he said, why he felt that way, and how he would be able to prove how he was right. I stayed away for about two weeks to get him out of my system to look at it with clear eyes and then your video open my eyes even further. I will not be able to be intimate with him. I do nit feel safe, nor desirable if his view of me is this. Therefore, that is why I see the relationship ending despite his accusations that I'm "making more of this than need be" and that it wasn't "personal," when it was. I cannot freely speak to him about my feelings without him justifying his opinion, even if it's hurtful. And I will never feel safe enough to tell him how I feel without cringing and being afraid of being told i'm wrong with his absolute thinking. I told him my reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship any further, and I wish that I could have included this tidbit about intimacy. But I'll take this as a wisdom pearl to bring into the next relationship.♡
That’s always been my approach. And sadly and traumatically, no one else’s in my life. I’ve been just called a catalyst of openness in any community, and not sure it was a compliment, because I can’t help but stand for transparency and accountability, and so far it has cost me everything, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, I know it is. But I wish it hurt less and I had more understanding and acceptance, at least some willingness for it, from those close to me, for a change. Cause I’m witnessing my strategy changing into the avoidance of conflict or even relationships for that matter, because of how it always reveals how little my closest care about finding the truth or bridging our perspectives, and how much about winning over at any cost (and since I don’t give a shit about winning and would never stoop to fighting unfairly, that means at my expense; and I’ve simply run out of mana to pay to keep paying for it). And seeing it through since early childhood has definitely made me a philosopher, but I would’ve traded it for simply being happy any day of the week.
Hugely important topic and sound advice. Really good next level conversation for people who are healing attachment wounds and trying to love and grow inside a healthy secure relationship.
Heidi, you always blow my mind with these videos. So much truth, but explained so clearly. After watching, I often have to just sit and reflect and integrate all the wisdom for while. Thank you so much, this particular video has answered a lot of questions I've had for a long time. ❤
Heidi I think I’ve watched all your videos on YT. What’s noticeable about you is that you are talking slower now (which is good) & you sound much more rooted after several years. This is especially useful for your non native English speaking audiences like me. Thanks for all your efforts. I believe this is also another good sign towards our goal of more emotional maturity plus inner peace in life. Greetings from Istanbul!
Very helpful insight for us all - especially understanding that this is not exclusive to our partners or potential partners. It’s just as relevant and important with our immediate family, co-workers, etc. I’ll definitely benefit from this so….thank you!
I've been accused of not sincerely loving or valuing an insecure partner in the past and it did admittedly disarm me. Because I'd never been in relationship with anyone who didn't perceive reality at face value before, and it never occurred to me that someone's own fears and insecurities could literally distort the way they comprehended factual information. I assumed that had to be the honest representation of my presence in the relationship because I didn't know there was any alternative! However, it wasn't my feelings I questioned or developed doubt for, I knew assuredly what I felt and no one could make me question my understanding of myself, but it did make me doubt whether I'd been sufficiently expressing it. Which made me motivated to try harder to communicate myself and express my feelings, but of course, that just started the beginning of the end! That relationship was definitely a huge lesson in attachment, trauma, cognitive distortions, codependency, etc!
Ok waaaaait....( ! ) As of 1:27 in this vid, you have entirely corrected the (unhelpful, as you say) frame of reference for understanding myself more accurately. As well as single-handedly connected all the dots to every other video that resonates with me about everything from; where I stall in business relationships/negotiations/employees, to what putting my own self care first, etc. Incredible. Thank you.... Ok, continue.... 😏 🙏🏼
“There is never a route to intimacy that includes self abandonment or people pleasing.” I love that
I mean, I don't people, please my job Is something I take Seriously because my other Job is that the Government pays for my house And I get to take care Of my crew also I have a lawer for Girlfriend who is a very expensive lawyer
😢😢😢😢
I just feel for all those people who are sacrificing themselves for others 😢
Yes. Wow. At 13:20. I backed up to relisten to that a few times, that is so profound. I will put it in practice starting today.
@@morgandelarmes5211enjoy your life among wolves
people-pleasing = parent-pleasing
it comes from early childhood when we couldn't be ourselves but had to be what our parents wanted or needed. we had to please them to survive. this carries into adulthood and gets generalized into 'people-pleasing' because of that early template that was formed ('this is what i must do to survive. people won't love me unless i make them happy.')
"kids of narcissists learn that not taking care of people's needs is wrong." - Mel Robbins
I can relate. I feel like I have to always give ppl some sort of value. If not, I feel like I am not worthy of their time. Any ways that you can stay authentic to yourself?
@@I-am-MyOwnFlashlightso what is wrong with this? It sounds like you are doing exceptionally at your JOB. How does this become something you need to unlearn?
This is why I feel all teenagers should rebel and reset the ownership of their actions going forward. Parents need to allow their offspring to reject all their teachings, removing parental blame as the offspring moves into adulthood.
I agree with your comment and I would also add that certain personality types are more prone to the people pleasing trap
An underrated element of secure relationships is that, once you are no longer neurotically pleasing your partner to keep them in the relationship, you then get to anticipate and meet your partners wants/needs in a normal and cute way. Simple shit like starting their car on a cold day. It’s so hard to see and feel the love in small things like that when you’re doing them out of fear.
Your whole statement is nothing but hairsplitting, word parsing and gaslighting.
What a wonderful insight!
@@CaesarConsuloProVitayou just said nothing
@@StevenP726 Non sense ad absurdum et ad nauseam….in fact I have shined the light of day….on the crux of all modern self help/relationship advice-Coaching-Cyber Complex. You just don’t like it. I stand by what I have said. You’re just going to have to live with it.
@@CaesarConsuloProVita what's wrong with what OP said?
People Pleasing can also harm the trust you have in a relationship. I discovered my now ex-wife was people pleaser when I discovered that she would agree to do things, that she didn't want to do, then feel resentful for agreeing to do it. Over time I stopped asking her to do anything, because I couldn't trust that she would tell me the truth.
I have someone who I thought was a close friend who was/is the same way. I realize now I was projecting onto that relationship; the nanosecond I was no longer their business partner I literally simply didn't exist to them; it was a devastating discard. We have since reconciled in a manner of speaking but when they offer to hang out I will just let them come to me. I don't want to create what I think are cherished memories and then find out weeks or months later that they resent the time spent together and/or were just using me to avoid something else.
Thank you for sharing.
I believe I may be doing this to my boyfriend, and I'm only recently realizing just how unfair it is. It's building a lot of resentment in me, and it's been subconsciously causing a lot of arguments this past week or so.
May I ask how you would have liked your ex wife to approach the situations she didn't want to engage in? I struggle with understanding the gap between how differently men and women think, so I don't know if just being direct is the way to go or if I'm overthinking it. And honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm afraid will happen if I disagree with him.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing well these days, OP.
I'm not OP, but I've been there on the other side. So I can take you through what it may be like on the other side.
Doing this will take some internal work on your part. You're going to need to be brave enough to speak up and to believe deeply enough in this to follow through even if things don't go well at first.
You'll need to state your needs or wants. You'll also need to explain yourself. The same way that you just mentioned all of this to us, you should mention this to your bf. And tell him that you'll start to be more open with what you actually want.
Be forewarned that he may not like it at all at first, but you're watching a video that explains how this will lead to deeper intimacy. So give him the vision of how this temporary discomfort will yield deeper intimacy between you two, a happier version of you, and a better relationship between you two.
Also realize that despite the outcome, YOU NEED to do this work in order to better show up for yourself and be authentic.
Hope this helps.
For my and my ex gf was the same, she never talked about the things she didn't like, we had grown apart because of this, and one day we just broke up. Then I discovered all the things she hated about me and the things she never agreed to do.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience.
I thought I am alone in this.
Once I told my bf his "screw ups" or emotional burdens come from people pleasing,
he told me how some of his answers where autopilot ppl pleasing.
I still try to recover and see where he truly wants to make me happy and where he just does so once out of fear.... I don't want to make him fear me of my needs that I checked throught the years.
I want both of us to be happy.
You're some kinda genius I think. I have never before heard the concept of intimacy explained so well. Some people spend a lifetime re-learning these skills because they were never modeled by caregivers. And here they are in a 23 min download. I hope you know you are helping change the world. I remain in awe of, and in gratitude for, the gifts you share here.
Second this. I am genuinely excited to live in a world where so many of us are recognising through videos like these who/what/how we want to be in the world and are willing to change for it.
Agree. So grateful ❤❤❤
Ditto to your comments!!!
I agree to disagree.
Agreed!!! Omg you need to be on the Today Show every morning, on the NYTimes bestselling books list, on PBS, giving Ted Talks.
Sometimes we're so desperate to get along with someone that we fake an entire personality just to not be excluded or rejected. The better approach is to be yourself and find people who embrace differences and make being alone just as good as any other option.
my borderline personality disorder says hi.
What if we don't know who we are
The problem is it's incredibly difficult to find such people. So few people know how to handle conflict and/or differences, I don't think I'm wrong to be highly reluctant to be myself fully. Being alone sometimes feels like the only option
I realised yesterday that I spent my entire childhood trying to reassure my mom. Only to realise that she not only didn't notice, but she also refused point blank to do the same for me. I literally could have destroyed myself and she would just ignore me. Finally understand why I'm chasing unavailable people!
Boom
you read my mind 😢
I’d only ever heard of people-pleasing being explained as a manipulation tactic to get needs met, as opposed to being explained as self-abandonment to get needs met and that leading to relational issues, thank you so much for sharing this, it’s a much more compassionate take which really clarifies a lot.
I’m a simple man. I see a Heidi Priebe video. I like it. This woman is a gift.
I am not a simple man at all, but I could not agree with you more.😊
Great example for a parasocial relationship.
Stop People-Pleasing bro. …I kid I kid! Haha
That's not you being a simple man. That's you being a simp
Lone Wolf -Vietnam Veteran -Widower (34 Years of flourishing) here. Beautifully presented Truths herein and Thank You. Out.
❤
You deserve the heart too!@@wrenam
It’s going to sound sappy, but I was greeted returning from overseas in a positive way. My understanding is most Vietnam vets were NOT treated well upon returning stateside…welcome home. Thank you for your service. ❤
I had a breakthrough moment a few days ago where I was able to look at myself and say “stop keeping your mouth shut. Stop going along.” I was high on gummies and had this whole plan for enjoying a nice shower while my partner was eating his ice cream. My partner followed me into the shower and tried to get frisky. I wasn’t having it and he was confused. Eventually I said I just want to take my shower, can you leave? He said he was sorry. I said I’m gonna need more than that (we had talked a few weeks ago about what I need for an effective apology). He said okay and left. I took my shower and my vibe was kind of messed up but I tried to enjoy it. I thought about it. Then I tried to think about his perspective. I realized that I never had actually told him what my plan was and I had never told him that I’m uncomfortable when he starts something without asking me (we’ve done shower stuff many times in the past). So I was like oh…this is a moment where I need to recognize this is a boundary for me and explain my feelings without judgment. So I did. I came out of the bathroom and said, actually I don’t need an apology from you. I explained what he did and how it made me feel and I said I don’t want you following me into the shower anymore unless you ask first. So I guess that’s more of an expectation. He was like wow, I had no idea. And I was like I know. For the first time I was able to understand that I had never first explained my boundary before getting mad about being invaded. I guess I just felt like it was obvious because my ego or something was screaming at me like Hello?! This is obvious! But it’s not. I’m heartbroken for all the times I’ve ignored and abandoned my inner child. I did that. This is the first huge milestone for healing.
Wow, so illustrative of this intimacy model at work. Thank you for sharing this. And good luck on your journey
What a perfect example, thanks so much for sharing!
A little communication and self awareness goes a long way. Good job!
In a way, your perspective makes sense. It is how you feel about it. However, it’s different from mine as a man; it almost sounds like you are saying he needs to ask permission for a specific time or place before he’s able to have physical intimacy with you, which is a huge relationship killer.
Men and women are different, despite the political correctness train. It doesn’t mean that either of us is necessarily bad, just different. A big problem comes when we think the love needs of our partner are foolish or stupid or not as important as ours are because they are different than our needs.
I know this from personal experience, when a man has to jump through hoops, or be a good boy, or say or do the right things, or mind read to get his needs met, your relationship takes a downward turn quickly. Then, when you are feeling unloved and empty, your woman wants you to spend more time with her and not have physical intimacy, so that she just ‘feels good,’ which drains you even further.
Then she will also criticize these needs or desires you have as being a crazy, irrational male, chauvinistic, or abusing women, or all kinds of guilt, shaming and mind games.
Both of your love needs are equally important, and when they get off balanced things fall apart.
If you truly love him, you will work to balance both of your needs in this area and be careful that you don’t push him away. Otherwise, he is going to start resenting you if he doesn’t already. He is probably hurting, but he doesn’t want to tell you.
Men and women have different organs and hormone levels, as well as physical and emotional needs on a spectrum. This is not just a man being a pig, or not caring about women, it’s a man saying that if you make sex and physical intimacy a “treat” or a bonus, or a nice thing, “once in a while,” it will destroy your relationship.
If it were me, as the man, what would have been better, would be for you to tell him how you feel, and then say you were tired at this time and offer a different time later that same day to be physically intimate. Then you approach him later - even in a sultry way - that will build passion and desire.
That way, he knows you’re not rejecting him and you still do care deeply about him and your relationship.
For most men, sex creates connection, but for many women, it follows connection. It’s like a feedback loop or a circle where each affects the other.
Both of you have a love needs tank, and if it gets too low, you can’t give each other what the other needs because you are starving.
All that to say good for you to speak how you’re feeling rather than suppress it. I was raised with that programming and have been working to overcome it, but have been in relationship with someone who just railroads boundaries and doesn’t really care about what I want, and when I speak up, it gets stomped down. Of course, this really destroys your relationship.
PS (sorry it’s getting verbose): I reread the beginning, and just thought of one more thing : when he apologized, and then you rejected his apology and said it needed to ‘be a different way,’ - your way.
That is a land mine. It’s his apology and if it’s from the heart you need to accept it. Don’t micromanage HOW he apologizes or thinks. That is extremely invalidating and disrespectful to him.
How would you feel if you made a mistake and you told him “I’m sorry”, and he told you, “no you’re not, I don’t believe you! I want you to say these five words, and stand over there with this tone of voice and a huge checklist… “ when you simply want to apologize?”
this is another way relationships are destroyed and I know this from personal experience.
You didn’t tell him what you were planning to do, nor how you felt. He had no idea. Then when he wanted to be intimate, you rebuffed him and criticized him for apologizing “the wrong way.” You guilted, shamed, and disrespected him as a man. As a person.
Next time if you have a specific plan, say hey I’m gonna take a shower , but I’m tired and want to do it alone or something to let him know.
Maybe there are subtle hints and cues that women might understand, but a man will not understand unless you just say it. We don’t like to play games or guilt or beat around the bush with stupid stuff. It is loving and kind to let him know what you’re thinking and to let him know that you love him and are glad to be with him.
All these thoughts are from the heart. In the past, I would never speak my mind like this, because the people pleaser doesn’t wanna rock the boat ! but it is part of my growth journey.
sometimes men and women butt heads over stupid things, and they escalate into big arguments, when deep down we really want love and connection even if it’s in different ways. ❤
@@mokyan7 I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs and respects you. Be careful about how to use your words. They project your own thoughts and desires. He is very happy with me and tells me how he feels. This was not a matter of killing intimacy, although that’s important as well. This was a matter of learning to recognize my feelings and using my assertive voice.
You have distilled my entire relational history into a 23 minute video, lol. Wow. These days with some recovery under my belt, I find pseudo intimacy to be tremendously unsatisfying. Now comes the hard part, developing skills, learning how to navigate conflict rather than avoid it, and tapping into self-awareness to recognize when my boundaries are being violated.
Hard same. But understanding this about yourself is already progress, so yay!
This is some sort of a strange limbo for me - not yet being able to live healthier, yet at the same time realizing full well that I really can't go back to the way I was, to my old behaviours and old relationships 😅
same. I'm now at a stage where I have enough self-worth to not find ppl pleasing satisfying for more than a moment, and in touch with myself enough to know I'm not satisfied, if not in the moment then at least shortly afterward.
but I'm very afraid of conflict (pry as afraid of my emotions getting out of control generally), and very few ppl would work hard enough to signal that it's safe to have conflict w them/that they like me regardless.
so I'm mostly avoiding all connection but my psychoanalyst and a co-counseling friend (who's a therapist) who rly went out of the way early on to convince me it's okay to be real with her.
at this point I'm kinda okay with little shame/high trust, will be open and active in various online spaces or at times even trying irl events, so there will even be candidates for connection that seem interested.. and I just went thru 3-4 of those over the past two weeks doing a long talk/walk, falling a bit into ppl pleasing, doing a bit of therapy and listening and validation on them that I'm good at, not having my needs met, not feeling like seeing them again.
I dunno what's the way out, continuing getting some corrective experiences in therapy, mb vulnerability-focused spaces, working on the core fears around tolerating feelings and rejections and such.
But I don't see relationships working out with me in my current state unless I find somebody special who's a therapist personality enough to lure me out of my shell.
Remember that a boundary you don’t set is not the same as a violation. Letting go of the self righteousness and control of not sharing your needs so you can punish them and self-justify keeping your distance, is a huge part of allowing the other person to see the real you so they can show you the other half of intimacy
Real intimacy happens when we stay connected to ourselves...so simple, and yet so profound! Really excited to see a new video from you!
I grew up in a family system where ANY conflict resulted in immediate rejection - from my dad thru explosive raging, spewing anger and demeaning comments, then stomping out of the room with coldness.
With mom any type of disagreement or not aligning with her viewpoint brought on rejection thru passive-aggressive means. Giving me the cold shoulder, snide remarks, not talking to me for days on end.
This is how my whole family deals with conflict - by not dealing with it. I realized that my fear, my terror and difficulty in opening my mouth to even speak my truth, hold me back, locks me away and I am always shut down inside, always waiting for the slightest difference of opinion, or expressing a need to lead to a verbal attack. What I learned to do was slowly hide the parts of myself that would cause these eruptions. Survival. Survival by means of annihilation of self. People pleasing at the cost of myself. This is my biggest struggle and so far my hardest thing to overcome. I still find myself, at the end of the day, reviewing every conversation I've had, mulling over every wrong thing I might have said, did I do someting or say something that made someone reject me. This happens mostly with family. I am getting better with that, but family dynamics are the worst for triggers. So painful to recognize this. So hard to start tearing down the lies I learned about myself and building up my truth. Thanks to people like Heidi I have a blueprint for finding my way home to me.
❤😊🙏
This video is right on time. I'm struggling with this with a partner. I'm very open about my boundaries and what I'm unable to do/give/, so this behavior puzzles me. However, my partner will say/do/think whatever they believe I'm thinking to draw us closer. If I ask them for a favor and it's out of their bandwidth, they will still do it and harbor secret resentment/passive aggression that they're "working so hard for this relationship", when I gave them the option to refuse. It's confusing and hurtful because obviously, they fear being abandoned/the relationship ending. I want them to know it's okay to be disagreed with, even in a relationship. I'm willing to work on the relationship but it isn't easy when there are constantly different versions of the truth and expectations. Thank you!
Is this person in therapy too?
How would you use this model of intimacy to approach this issue with your partner?
I'm separating right now with a 2.5yo and a 6mo kids. No need to say how painful and difficult this is. I was having precisely this problem. And it won't stop after separation as she is a pleasing mother, which makes early education for my children more difficult for me. I truly wish you luck and all the best.
This extends way beyond just the people closest to you. The best way to gains anyone's respect is through conflict
I got into a very large argument with a VP at work about what we were doing and not agreeing with the direction. It was honestly not a pretty conversation at all and likely embarrassing for the both of us. Good thing I did though, he rethought the strategy and started to ask my opinion as it progressed. By standing up to him I subconsciously told him that I was worth listening to and I had a raise in my pocket a couple months later
Also, I run a community (150+ people) in an online video game. We have had players with us for 5 years now, the ones that stick around the longest are the ones we have conflict with, which is then resolved. The ones that stay with us the shortest are those that never state that something is wrong on their side, and flat out refuse to hear what is wrong on the other side
The more security we earn, the more flexibility and freedom we have in our thinking!!
If we can't be honest with someone, we cannot have true intimacy with them!!
So true! Amazing!
I just started dating again after a six year break from doing it and I'm immediately recognizing how quick and willing I am to self-abandon. This series of videos will be very helpful to me and my future partners. Thank you.
I'm in a very similar situation. I hope you can find the balance you need and can start finding your happiness!
Not me pressing the "Share" button and looking for the option that sends this video back in time to 20-year-old me with a note saying "watch this once a week until you stop avoiding intimacy" 😅
THIS!
I thought the exact same thing 😅
Just sent it to my son and niece and nephew... wouldn't it be wonderful to stop the people pleasing for their generation.
I stumbled upon your channel in December 2023 & it completely changed my life. I listened & re-listened to you every day for hours & hours for 6 weeks straight, soaking in everything and transforming myself from the inside out. I cannot express what a difference you have made for me and my relationships, including those with my partner and my children. I have shared your videos with my friends and talk about your videos to anyone who will listen.
I am definitely becoming more healthy & secure every day. I had never heard of co-regulation or self-regulation before and had no idea what to do with my giant emotions. I didn't know how to use them or how to control my reactions to them. I didn't understand before why my relationship felt so off-kilter or how to fix myself. I felt so broken! But, your way of presenting these concepts made me finally grasp it all! How could you understand me better than I understood myself? It was just one epiphany after another.
And now when I find myself struggling with old patterns, ruminating, and wondering how to get my feet back on solid ground, I return and listen again and again. I just wished there were more videos because I have listened to everything so many times already!
And then you posted yesterday and it was exactly the message I needed to hear! Thank you for returning. You are changing lives, Heidi! I never ever write RUclips comments, but I can't hold this in. This is my favorite channel hands down and I will be hungrily awaiting for more because I never get tired of hearing your voice & message.
I can't afford "therapy" per se, but even if I could, I would still prioritize listening to your content, as it is the highest quality therapy that I can imagine.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
~Melanie
This has been on my watch later playlist for a long time. I’m so glad I finally watched it.
The concepts and explanations of what happens in these dynamics are clear. No fluff, no buzzwords, just clarity. Thank yiu
22:45 That feeling of abandoning myself in the moment use to feel like a flood that I had no control over due to the fear of how I might be rejected or how they might treat me if I were to express my thoughts. After three years of putting in the work of introspection, journaling, shadow-work and watch channels like yours, that feeling to abandoned myself became a realization that I was betraying myself. To betray myself in the moment, is to abandoned my future self.
"Peace comes from honesty, honesty bring peace"
Y'all have a wonderful day.
It's always sad to be reminded it's currently impossible for me to have true intimacy with my mother, but it was a necessary reminder.
Thank you.
This! Or any of my family 😢
❤ I've watched the majority of your video's over the last months, just finished one and there you are again. Thank you Heidi for sharing everything you know and learned with us, you're making such a positive impact on so many lives in such a unique way. Congratulations on your beautiful channel & community, I'm glad and thankful to be part of it.
Let me share something. I had been craving for this moment when my relationship would change. I had always thought the change should be from my husband but, after I watched this video, everything changed. This video opened my eyes. I started crying after the first 5 minutes, when I related to it completely and could understand why I was unhappy. I have a history of people pleasing as a child and I knew I was in a pattern, but you showed me the effect of this in my relationship. Then I understood why I did so many bad things to him and to myself. I've been a new person ever since. Thank you for this.❤
Heidi's work awe-inspiring. I'm constantly watching and rewatching her videos because every one of them teaches me something new. As a psychologist (who wrote part of my doctoral dissertation on attachment theory), I have recommended Heidi Priebe's channel more times than I can count to the people who've entrusted themselves to my care because her ability to synthesize and communicate this information in practical and life-giving ways is *remarkable.* And, frankly, her talent far exceeds my ability to do the same.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your knowledge and your incredible gift for teaching with the world.
Yup, I needed to hear this today. I'm currently staying in connection with someone that I haven't fully healed from yet and part of me knows I just need space from, but that means taking the risk of saddening them, drifting apart, or losing out on whatever positive interactions might be in store in the near future. This video reminds me that I'd really only be missing out on pseudo-intimacy anyway as I can feel myself masking and self-abandoning in order to stay in connection atm. This channel is right up there with the most profound resources I've encountered for navigating life and healing, there's already enough material on it to last a lifetime. Thanks Heidi, I'm sure I'll be recommending your channel for as long as the Internet exists xD
"...in order to stay in connection with other people, we have to be in brutally honest connection with ourselves...when it comes to maintaining intimacy." This was the crescendo that took my breath away. I LOVE the phrase "in brutally honest connection with ourselves." It stirs every ounce of my internal courage to reach for what I really desire. Heidi, although I might not want a flow chart every time because it distracts from the connection your eyes provide to your message, this time, the flow chart was a powerful visual. And again, of course, a flow chart (!) because your ability to take a macro-, mysterious human experience and break it into its most understandable micro-units of meaning is your superpower!
Yes! I also liked when she said, "Healthy self responsible conflict is a humongous factor that goes into building intimacy". If someone constantly disrespects your point of view even if you say it as kindly and considerately as is possible- time to break up with them!! Relationships need both people to have a growth mindset.
You made my day. In my marriage I almost always am the people-pleaser and abandon myself for avoiding conflict at all costs. In fact I never felt true intimacy accept in limerence. But I never knew, how small it starts. And I remember all these little events and how I used them to adapt to my partner. “If you get along unhurt, use these little learnings …” and wider the gap. That’s what I did. Never had seen it so clear: I’m a dam coward. I always was.
Friend, another way to abandon yourself is to speak poorly of yourself for not knowing then what you are beginning to know now. Instead of calling yourself a coward, consider that you learned to adopt behaviours that ensured your survival in situations you did not feel equipped to navigate with the skills/knowledge you had at the time. But now, you are coming to know. You might find it really helpful to do self-compassion therapy alongside this work, as the perfect companion. Videos all over RUclips on it, I believe pioneered by Kristen Neff. There are many others though. Walk yourself back home kindly and compassionately.
@@VivianGray88 thanks very much. You were on the point. Also for your good advice. I had a therapy and came across my survival strategy. But it’s hard to turn knowledge into practice. My wife is so much stronger than me. And sill I have high bodyreactions during and before conflicts. Considering have some chemical help there, just to make at least one successful stand. Growing hurts, even when you are a 51 y o child/coward/betamale/imposter
@@thomasalbers6102this beta- alpha discussion that is so much going on these days is just weird. One can be confident without excerting dominance over others. Just learn to accept yourself and grow confidence from that - irrespective of comparison with others.
@@SocratesWasRight think it’s too late. But I appreciate your advice.
I totally feel the same way. I think you are a strong man to be able to verbalise. And by doing so you helped me and many others
Thankyou Thankyou Heidi, I have been trying to get my husband to understand this premise for over thirty years of marriage I am so burnt out. He is the most scared people pleaser especially to me. There is just no truth between us and he just keeps going along like it is fine. Now he’s watching this video I can only hope that this will finally show him how he destroys us, he loves me so much but it’s almost like he can’t see past that and it’s all for love, you’re the best Heidi 😊😢
Sharing dissent with people outside of my close circle is relatively easy for me but I've gone to great lengths to avoid conflict with those close to me. Thank you for helping me to understand why I've been stuck in this self-destructive pattern and showing me that there is a way out.
I know I'm not the only one to say this, but your work is a gift. Recently, I felt myself spiraling into limerence again for the first time in years. I was able to notice the signs, and I returned to your videos. They grounded me in reality and empowered me to pull myself out of the situation. You are providing us with truly life-changing information. Thank you!
Spiraling into limerence…I’ll be looking that up as it sounds familiar to me. I agree 💯 about Heidi. Good luck in your situation!
"Intimacy = emotional co-regulation". 🤯 I had to stop the video right there for 10 minutes to let that sink in. Very little of my previous relationships (parents/friends/partners) stands out to me as authentic manifestations of such a concept. I'm not a diagnosed avoidant but I do recognize plenty of avoidant behaviors in how I have faced conflicts. Your video is finally waking me up. Thank you.
Thank you once again for a great video Heidi! Really want to support the work you do, that has helped me so much!
I just realized I don’t authentically know myself. I have spent so much of my life pleasing others, I don’t know who I am or what I want or need. Thank you Heidi!
In a nutshell, you completely explained why the recent relationship I was in just ended. Thank you so much! It’s still fresh in my thoughts and now I can relate to what happened. I knew my partner was people-pleasing me, but I did not know how to show up. It felt fake, like I was living in a lie and I kept thinking something was wrong with me for having resistance. The verbal understanding of reward vs risk is now in my toolbox and pseudo-intimacy is my new favorite word!!
Divine timing is always on my side. This is EXACTLY where I needed to hear this thank you
Great flowchart, very informative.
I've found intimacy isn't possible when the disagreement is around abuse, neglect, and dehumanization. You can't create intimacy with abusers, enablers and bullies. You can't create intimacy with racists, sexists, and bigots. Best to cut your losses and find healthier people to attempt intimacy with.
In my relationship with my wife. We had argument about a text. She asked me to do something and I did it and responded. The problem was what I did was not really what she was asking me to do. So when she got home a big fight. I felt she 100% wrong and she felt I was 100% wrong. So I told her we are both right. I explained that in my perception I read that text my way and correctly. That her perception she wrote the text in her way she too did so correctly. Both of our experiences are valid. Sure it lead to screw up but the screw up isn't as important as that fact that we both experienced that text exchange differently. In the end text really isn't a good communication tool for something important as texting is missing 1/2 the conversation. There is voice tone and body language missing.
What I found in the argument was just validating my wife's experience as different than mine equally helped a lot. I could have gone people pleasing and agreed with her about that her experience was only valid one but that would lead to resentment in long run.
Watched this a this example just popped into mind.
You are very good at keeping it simple and to avoid simplistic explanations in order for us to fully understand what is really going on. I marvel at how this material is rich conceptually and how clearly it is delivered.
For me, on this topic, I have found that IFS has been incredibly helpful and easy to understand." No bad parts."
This was a great video. Thank you very much. I had a strong realization of the pattern of people-pleasing that I have displayed. Not just doing things for people so they’ll like you but also with keeping true thoughts and feelings underwraps. Ultimately leading to the demise of my true self or the relationship.
Just when I thought "I miss Heidi's vids" she comes up with a new great one 🥰
Thank you for sharing this information. This clarifies so much for me. There were a lot of ego defenses exchanged by my parents during my developmental years. There was so much shame that hovered in my home atmosphere. Being brutally honest was dangerous because no one wanted to be abandoned or rejected. Unfortunately, I became a people-pleaser to counteract my mother's BPD symptoms. This is a real eye-opener.
This gave me so much clarity and it was very inspiring. "To stay always in touch with the other, prioritize staying always in touch with the self." Beautiful quote. I will try to remember that every time I feel myself wanting to people-please.
wow, hot new heidi drop! I love the visual. As a neurotic individual, I've always believed that there's a vast network of unseen and difficult-to-mindmap network of truths and contingencies when it comes to strong and deep connection, and it goes to show how much both courage and comprehension and honesty goes into navigating pursuit of real authentic intimacy.
I would add a side branch from rejection and possibly elsewhere a section for grief, it feels like an important biproduct or element to the flow chart, and how a lack thereof possibly creates mental dissonance or painful confusion/feeling stuck/ looping back to learned ego defense
thanks for sharing your knowledge and work!
This was extremely illuminating. Made me cry at one point as I realised some of the mechanics at work in a previous relationship, and also the desire in myself to please others that I brought to it and how it destroyed much of our intimacy. Thank you!
I really connected to this video - it's currently part of my journey as someone who has been fearful about showing the real me during my life and marriage. I deeply feel that better intimacy has only started to happen after committing to greater honesty - still a work in progress but I really want more of this change!
I'm finally in a place in my healing that I can start resolving my fear of abandonment and people-pleasing behaviors. Thank you for addressing and explaining this topic so thoroughly!
Waow you are such a precise and genius machine with no inch of useless word. I know this intuitively but you explaining it plain like that really got me deeply.
First time, i just discovered you, im gonna watch your other content.
i have learned so much from your videos over the last 6 months. have been going through a breakup and you have helped me tremendously to navigate some really difficult circumstances and emotions. thank you.
Your books in neatly rising falling curve. Very organized and tidy person...
I am so grateful for the work Heidi is sharing.
I have been feeling stuck in therapy and personal development for a while now and her videos are finally giving me a new reason to continue with the work. As I watch her videos so many doors continue to open up, doors I was totally unaware they were even there.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Heidi ❤ you're true blessing
Oh my god, I used to read your articles about MBTI when I was in highschool over 10 years ago, and they were so helpful in helping me understand and deal with issues throughout my relationships and family. This popped up in my feed and I thought it sounded interesting so I was listening while walking and I was like "wow this is a really clear way of stating what I've come to learn over the past 10 years", and then I looked at the video again and noticed your name! Thank you Heidi helping me put my thoughts into words through several stages of my life
People pleasing is how to be "close" to narcissists. Normal people don't like it
This is so true
Yikes. Sadly true.
Yup. Normal people also sometimes don't recognize their partner is doing it and lose all trust in them when they realize they were just doing wtvr they THOUGHT their partner wanted and none of it was ever authentic. It's extremely selfish behaviour.
Thank you Heidi, this video (among a lot of things) helped me realise something about my last relationship.
He, like anyone, had opinions I didn’t agree with and I would voice them to him. I can see now that he was not interested in a collaboration of minds. His end goal was always to be right and maintain his beliefs to be exactly as they were when we met, and because of that he’d get defensive and make me feel like a cruel person for attacking his interests.
This video has put into perspective that I was attempting this honest conflict. I have had a difficult time building relationships in any capacity ever since being with him because he subconsciously taught me that the honest conflict described in this video is cruel and conceited behaviour. Looking forward to rebuilding that back up now ❤️
Such timing, as I was going through a conflict with a fearful-avoidant. Your videos are a blessing 🌸
"be yourself" is such simple advice that everyone gives as advice on finding relationships. This approach has led me to recognize the fear I have when connecting with new people, and how I compensate for that fear.
This video fills in the gaps that I was having trouble understanding. It IS scary to forge new relationships and open yourself up to conflict, but now I see that conflict is a necessary step and shouldn't be avoided as long as both individuals are being true to themselves.
I'd love some videos on attachment styles and when to recognize them influencing your reactions to conflict
New Heidi Priebe!!! Thank you for all your insight and knowledge!
I feel like this describes how to establish an extremely healthy base in a relationship to resolve conflict, but then stops short of what to do once you get to that place. To say, I’d love for a follow up video. I feel like you actually understand a lot of the very abstract and deep concepts, which feels incredibly rare.
The is potentially the most valuable relationship/intimacy video I have ever seen in my entire life. I have been studying these topics specifically for the last eight years at this point, and this is just the most clear/concise description of how authenticity (or lack thereof) affects intimacy. Thank you so much for making this video. In this moment, it feels like it has changed my life. I sure hope I can remember to watch it over and over again lol.
Thank you!
It is really hard to understand that you may have contributed to lack of true intimacy as much as an avoidant partner.
Thanks for this excellent video Heidi. We must dare to face reality, even it is so hard!
heidi you seriously need to write a book, you would be a best seller with your amazing way of communicating and giving such depth to every topic you brace. your videos have helped so many people and have been such a big part of my journey to self acceptance and addressing my personal issues. thank you.
Heidi gives us all a glimpse of light in a world of darkness. I’m in love with your work ❤ (and thank you for all the marvelous resources you’ve given me and my partner)
What I like about your way of explaining things is that you simplify the subject enough for emotionally stunted people like me to reason the problems and generate a better response later. I'll genuinely try and be honest and emotional if it is a method.
I'm in LA, so there are many individuals I run into as friends who aren't able to be trusted in this way. If they say something political during normal business conversation (often reactive, conspiratorial thinking with heavy emotional and ego investment), you could offer a better viewpoint. But they often take that as an invitation to lash out, intending professional consequences. You don't want to be known as "the guy who doesn't go along with [whatever nonsense or lie]", you have your own creative journey to live, so you end up being quiet, and shaping the relationship so that problem person doesn't have more leverage to harm you. It's a weird dynamic where the crazies are the most vocal
I know what you mean. I cope by seeing those types as devoutly religious - even though that's never how they'd identify themselves. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but some people can't keep personal and business/acquaintance relationships separate, and only want to interact with those who 100% share their opinions. It's weird to me, but that's their prerogative.
Just know there are many, many people out there who you can work with who CAN tolerate hearing your true thoughts, even if they disagree - but you'll only make space for them in your life if you stop abandoning yourself to stay in the "good enough" friendship/career/city.
My grandma has this great phrase, she says “I’m not going there” or “I’m not going to go there” maybe you can start saying that, it sets a boundary about what your willing to talk about but also doesn’t give away your (potentially) conflicting opinion.
I sincerely appreciate this insightful and valuable information. And it's free! Here's my conundrum: the people I generally meet don't watch these posts. And so my "relationships" are generally - and I'll just have ask your forgiveness for this - like a trained boxer meets a street brawler. Know what I mean? "Oh you don't like what I said? Leave!" That's who I know. And that's why I have no real friends.
Probably the most powerful video I've ever watched. This goes deep for a lot of us here, I'm sure, and awakens me in particular to a lot of the stories I have been telling myself without realizing it, and educates me on how to acquire a skillset to help me be a better, more mature, and more authentic human being.
So very well prepared. From a lecturer's perspective, I see flawless preparation and presentation. Thanks!
wow. exactly the video I needed to see. gives me courage to be more authentic because I want genuine intimacy. and more real relationships. the piece about adopting world view blew my mind. i know we all adopt stories about ourselves from childhood, but it just really struck me hearing it this time. and how i tend to do that all the time in order to have connection with others. amazing video. so fucking insightful. truly grateful for this content
Once again, your video lecture is revelatory! My friend is very stubborn. She prides herself on it, seemingly. Many times I have wanted to say, "Just because you are stubborn does not mean that you are right". This is probably a good place to introduce a recognition that we can have conflict of opinion without necessarily having a breakdown in our relationship. It seems like a statement that can be very true even if she believes that her stubbornness is somehow a mark of character. What I want to be careful to avoid is a sort of "I told you so..." response the next time her stubborn decision results in a poor outcome.
It’s shocking to me how it seems she always describing my relationships 😅 thank you Heidi! You’re helping more than years of therapy!
Thank you so much, Heidi. Truly. You've been more help to me than I could ever hope to express. I hope that all of the kindness and compassion that you've sent out into this world will return to you.
Spot on Heidi, Clear, concise and compassionate insight and advice around the conflict hub that scares us from authenticity. You genuinely help me grow. Thank you
When I see the notification for a new Heidi Priebe video, I have to look at it ASAP, of course!
Heidi, you are one of the best out there!
This video is so helpful. Not to me unfortunalely. I'm just out of a relationship where the other had no trouble expressing when they're not happy, but only by getting furious and out of constructive discussion. And it was the same when I expressed any criticism even for minor things.
I tried my best to talk through issues but it always ended in open arguments. And now it's over, yet I always had the best intentions.
Relationships are hard 😞
This video resonates with me. I know I am a people pleaser, but it's interesting looking back at times where I have assented and dissented. The latter definitely feels more stressful, but like you said, high risk high reward.
I think there are also times where I have assented to peer pressure, and ultimately I don't take back those decisions, but I would do it being more consciously aware of the lack of intimacy.
(And I hope there will be times where this video gives me the strength to dissent honestly)
Sheesh! You dropped bar after bar in this video! I’ve shared this with my mom, as I found it incredibly helpful. I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on it and we can chat more about it! Your videos always give me the ability to dig a couple layers deeper, so thank you for this!
One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is that I don't think the way I love is wrong. I have always been extremely considerate of my partner, and not understood why absolutely nobody else can reciprocate and do the same, because if they could we would be just fine together.
And I guess there's a terminology disconnect there, because that's what people have always called people pleasing for me, they always say that the problem is I'm "too nice", and that argument fills me with an anger too intense to describe.
Thanks for this video, Heidi! Also thanks for putting in a flow chart visual to go along with the video, as it helps really get where you're going with these concepts! The noticing dissent piece being separate from right and wrong (18:11) was also eye opening for me!
Heidi, I love your videos! Thank you for what you do. Only been watching for a couple months and have learned and understood more about myself than years of therapy. You break everything down to layman terms. And also show how you can correct or change ways of thinking in the exampled moments. The fact that you have been "there" and can relate gives far more insight than anyone I've met through therapy. Thank you!! All the best.
This was extremely helpful to me. I’ve been in a situation for a while where self abandonment has been unavoidable. While doing personal work on myself I have had to learn some of these things on my own but I feel like this reaffirms what I need to do and gives me more tools and knowledge to move forward in a healthy way. Thank you.
Thank you so much for creating this content, Heidi! I am really looking forward to this month's content (I am also slowly chewing through your earlier videos.) At the same time I am using The Artist's Way and journalling to help me process all of this content and recover myself.
My husband and I both have abandonment issues from our childhoods, so definitely we are anxious/avoidant with each other. I have ghosted my presence in my own life. I am trying to recover presence and self trust. This video felt made just for me because it was so spot on. Ego response (vs humility and acceptance of subjective truth) descibes every argument's flash point with my husband. Arguments to him are zero-sum debates, bring all facts and correct definitions or he discredits the witness. Anything I say is cross examined for holes. I am doubted as soon as I use my voice to him. So our relationship is only transactional.
This month's content is going to kick my ass. But I need this.
Can I ask for you to consider some content? I thought empathy was my super-power. Trying to understand others' feelings in my youth both kept me safe, and helped me explain their actions to myself so I could try to see the best in them in order to forgive them. But I now think i was creating stories to tell myself to keep myself safe. Engaging with others, risks my getting rejected. These were fantasies of connection. Not real connection from being curious, seeing them, and vulnerably being seen.
To understand my next thought puzzle, here is the story that launched me into examining it. I just saw a video of a girl who has a prosthetic leg. She was approached by someone who seemed curious at first about her experiences, but then he took over, speaking for her to describe what she must have gone through, what that must have been like, and then commended her for overcoming her challenges. He created her entire story. She was flabbergasted. She had barely spoke! He was rude; she was unseen. She wanted a term for what he had just done. "Mansplaining" wasn't it. So what fit? Someone else said in comments "ableistsplaining," or something close to that. But another commenter said "pre-empathy." I love this term. Empathy before or without real curiosity and real connection. It is a fantasy emotional connection based on an understanding of a fictional other person. Sorry, long ramble. But what that led me to is seeing that i pre-empathize all the time. (Not usually directly to the other, though.) Like people-pleasing, it prevents intimacy.
Ok, so here is what I am wondering: is empathy necessary and healthy? Or is empathy an invasion of privacy that is none of my business? If empathy is healthy, what does it look like? Pre-empathy, well if it's that, it seems I am doing it wrong (even if I sometimes can guess the story correctly, it's creepy for the other person to experience that).
Other random related thought, I am reading Coraline. Neil Gaiman does not ever tell what the characters are feeling to explain their reactions and actions. He describes the looks on their faces, and observable details. He leaves the subjective out. My thinking, fills in all the gaps for explaining emotional motives. But is the surface observation how Gaiman and other people usually experience the world? Is my empathy extraneous?
Thinking like this gets into boundary work. I have never had a strong sense of where i end and others begin. My emotional feelers are always out to try to empathize. It can be intense and exhausting. How do I recognize in relationships what is a healthy distance? How can I trust others, and live and let live? I need to recenter myself, but I have no healthy model for what that looks like. I think you will understand how all of that connected and what I mean. Your thoughts?
You know when you get that piece of information that brings your puzzle together… this was that video ❤❤❤ thank you 🙏
As usual, this was so powerful and thought-provoking...Thank you, Heidi!
This felt like a 55gal barral of water, that only took just over 23 mins of my thirstful chugging to finish off. Then once completed. I find myself asking. "plz. May I have another?" ❤❤😊😊 not just in what was said but a lot can be said of your impeccable delivery as well. Even through what little editing I Happen to noticed. You're engagement with my attention and how streamline My overall comprehension was damn near flawless. I only seen it once and I feel I wouldn't hear much that wasn't already delivered, received and secured were I want to watch it again. I feel like every person should watch this, hear this, remember this, use this. Whether they already knew or not. And if you understood how belief has been lately systematically removed from every aspect of what I used to call reality, you would better understand why I find myself a bit taken aback buy how readily and firmly these types of perspective, on what we should be keeping very close eyes on when attempting to realistically approach any all inclusive, meaningful, mutually rewarding Engagements of intimacy, that if I'd to guess, a vast majority of us were sadly never privy of how unaware to why, what the differences, where best to look to check if we're still on the path we, at the start, had intended to still be. If not, what change to our behavior might we implement that would lead our discourse to correction lol. Mmmhmm. Top notch. BRAVO. Chefs kiss 😘 and on humanities behalf, I'd graciously like to say. Thank you thank you, - eternally yours. - - Noone ❤🎉
Thank you for this. I was just in a new relationship and the person decided to evaluate me without prompt or request and I felt that the evaluation was incorrect and even harsh.
After telling him I was hurt and angered by the accusation, (because the definition and his reasoning didn't match up) I tried to take some time to feel my feelings and process. I wanted to be sure I wasn't coming from egotistical reasoning. However, he bombarded me with text after text explaining why it was okay that he said what he said, why he felt that way, and how he would be able to prove how he was right.
I stayed away for about two weeks to get him out of my system to look at it with clear eyes and then your video open my eyes even further.
I will not be able to be intimate with him. I do nit feel safe, nor desirable if his view of me is this. Therefore, that is why I see the relationship ending despite his accusations that I'm "making more of this than need be" and that it wasn't "personal," when it was. I cannot freely speak to him about my feelings without him justifying his opinion, even if it's hurtful. And I will never feel safe enough to tell him how I feel without cringing and being afraid of being told i'm wrong with his absolute thinking.
I told him my reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship any further, and I wish that I could have included this tidbit about intimacy. But I'll take this as a wisdom pearl to bring into the next relationship.♡
That’s always been my approach. And sadly and traumatically, no one else’s in my life. I’ve been just called a catalyst of openness in any community, and not sure it was a compliment, because I can’t help but stand for transparency and accountability, and so far it has cost me everything, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, I know it is. But I wish it hurt less and I had more understanding and acceptance, at least some willingness for it, from those close to me, for a change. Cause I’m witnessing my strategy changing into the avoidance of conflict or even relationships for that matter, because of how it always reveals how little my closest care about finding the truth or bridging our perspectives, and how much about winning over at any cost (and since I don’t give a shit about winning and would never stoop to fighting unfairly, that means at my expense; and I’ve simply run out of mana to pay to keep paying for it). And seeing it through since early childhood has definitely made me a philosopher, but I would’ve traded it for simply being happy any day of the week.
Hugely important topic and sound advice. Really good next level conversation for people who are healing attachment wounds and trying to love and grow inside a healthy secure relationship.
Look at Heidi's Eyes! Omg I can see my soul reflected back and all my life mistakes. Beautiful
Heidi, you always blow my mind with these videos. So much truth, but explained so clearly. After watching, I often have to just sit and reflect and integrate all the wisdom for while. Thank you so much, this particular video has answered a lot of questions I've had for a long time. ❤
Amazingly articulate! Thank you and kudos from France
I'm 19 and I've never felt close to anybody despite having "friends"
It's the first time someone explains what's going on. Wow. Thanks ❤
Heidi I think I’ve watched all your videos on YT. What’s noticeable about you is that you are talking slower now (which is good) & you sound much more rooted after several years. This is especially useful for your non native English speaking audiences like me. Thanks for all your efforts. I believe this is also another good sign towards our goal of more emotional maturity plus inner peace in life. Greetings from Istanbul!
The diagrams are very helpful!!! thank you for the extra effort! it doesn't go unnoticed :))
Very helpful insight for us all - especially understanding that this is not exclusive to our partners or potential partners. It’s just as relevant and important with our immediate family, co-workers, etc. I’ll definitely benefit from this so….thank you!
I've been accused of not sincerely loving or valuing an insecure partner in the past and it did admittedly disarm me. Because I'd never been in relationship with anyone who didn't perceive reality at face value before, and it never occurred to me that someone's own fears and insecurities could literally distort the way they comprehended factual information. I assumed that had to be the honest representation of my presence in the relationship because I didn't know there was any alternative!
However, it wasn't my feelings I questioned or developed doubt for, I knew assuredly what I felt and no one could make me question my understanding of myself, but it did make me doubt whether I'd been sufficiently expressing it. Which made me motivated to try harder to communicate myself and express my feelings, but of course, that just started the beginning of the end!
That relationship was definitely a huge lesson in attachment, trauma, cognitive distortions, codependency, etc!
I love the visuals you include when explaining helps out a lot
So clear and easy to understand and it explains so much about the lack of true connection in my life. Thank you so much for your insight.
Ok waaaaait....( ! ) As of 1:27 in this vid, you have entirely corrected the (unhelpful, as you say) frame of reference for understanding myself more accurately. As well as single-handedly connected all the dots to every other video that resonates with me about everything from; where I stall in business relationships/negotiations/employees, to what putting my own self care first, etc. Incredible. Thank you....
Ok, continue.... 😏 🙏🏼