@@m2pozad I heard/understood that differently. What I heard was that our authentic self has natural boundaries. If we are acting authentically, are tuned into ourselves, and are taking care of ourselves, then those boundaries are evident to us and we can act from them. But if we are not in tune with ourselves or not taking care of our authentic selves, we may not recognize and acknowledge our natural boundaries. A healthy person will recognize their authentic boundaries and take responsibility for acknowledging them and sharing them with those that we want to be in relationship with and taking actions that support their own boundaries or modify them in a way that remains authentic.
@@f.u.c8308 Of course one is privy to their own reactions or needs. But others have no idea what those are until they are conveyed in some manner. One's communication about their less fluid or non-negotiable issues is the beginning of boundary setting. Such as "I like, prefer, don't like, hate, etc.. Once that expression does not produce a desired adjustment, the fixed boundary is employed.
Growing up with your boundaries constantly being crossed makes you lose your sense of authenticity. I feel like I'm still learning my authentic self now after all these years, and so I have to learn what is an authentic boundary as well. That makes setting them difficult, obviously. But I'm learning more and improving every day. Thanks for your work. I and many others deeply appreciate it.
I felt every word as my own experience. Especially the first sentence. It was like 'the sky is blue and grass is green' when I read it. You nailed it. Thanks
I turned 50 this year and have had decades of therapy. Heidi is the best therapist I've ever had 😂 (she just doesn't know I'm her client, lol). So many things have come together for me since I started watching her. I go back and listen to certain videos to help me stay present. She is such a gift.
Hahaha, same. When she said that, I was like, no, my inner child is not over-extending. She is royally pissed and would gtfo if I let her... I should really take her more seriously.
I think when your boundaries are repeatedly violated as a child, or when a child tries to set a boundary and gets punished for it it becomes really difficult to set boundaries as an adult for fear of those types of reactions. At least in my experience
Absolutely. I suspect most parents don't properly model establishing boundaries or they dont expect children should be allowed to have boundaries. Theres a pretty common "children are property" mindset
@@hiruki8So true! When a child tries to set a boundary, a lot of people punish the child for being "disrespectful" or having an "attitude," instead of acknowledging the boundary but gently teaching the child how to clearly communicate that in a respectful way.
all the other cousel on youtube reveals concepts, theories, strategies but not the practical application that is truly a step by step manual process the yield results. Your coursework in University has given you incredible enlightenment of how to execute effective instruction that is esily accessible and can be utilizde almost in every aspect of our day to day living in most questionable circumstances in all environmrnts.. A blessing you are to all those who continue to seek your wisdom and consultation as you truly live your passion to help others to overcome that which you also endured but learned all the value lessons and refused to give up, give in or give out... Thank you Heidi 🙏
I’ve always thought of a boundary as “this makes it safe for us to grow close without abandoning ourselves” but I think it’s just a dumbed down version of what you’re already saying
I found I never needed to set boundaries. I already had my boundaries. I just wasn't communicating them. I was really listening to myself and refusing to seem them. That lead to resentment.
This is one of the most helpful videos I have ever watched. Thank you for laying this all out there in such a way that is easily digestible and understood.
This is soooo helpful, thank you. I really love how compassionate you are, and how these descriptions are so clear and simple and also detailed. It's light having the lights turned on and suddenly being able to see clearly
I really appreciate this video. Great advice. I'm dealing with anxiety disorder from one trauma after another. But I am finally doing the work to heal my Inner child, and feeling great about my progress. Now my daughter is trying to gaslight me because I said I don't feel comfortable with her boyfriend staying in my apartment. I original said yes to help her, but I had a change of mind because he creeps me out and I feel like once I let them in, it will be difficult to get them to go because he has different ideas about what life is all about, and I want no part of it. When I told her how I feel, she criticized me instead of trying to understand how I'm feeling and how it's affecting me. This video gives me the courage to be true to my inner child, who I am really determined to heal because she so deserves to be treated with the utmost love and care after everything she has been through for so long, I must choose her first. Thanks for the great advice❤
Hi Heidi. I absolutely love your videos. You are helping me overcoming my traumas and other psychological and emotional issues in life. I just came from a very traumatic break-up. He was my first boyfriend. Honestly, it's been a year since that break up and people are expecting me to have a boyfriend now. I get tried explaining or saying not now because I am still on my healing stage and some are pushing me to date while what I want is to make my self better and be this secured attached person before I date again. I have a career problems because I quitted from my previous job who gave me a traumatic experience also. I was overload, overworking and my salary is below minimum. My history is that I came from a broken family and I grew up living along at the age of 12 so I have a lot of traumatic experiences in life. I want to stop the self pity, feeling shame and all sorts of negative emotions and perceptions and I want to love my life. I have been isolating from people to the extent that I don't want to see them at all and I prefered to lock myself in my room. This is not healthy I know and I want to get out from this. The problem is if I see people, I am sweating and palpitating. Can I request you to make a video how to deal with people who keeps pestering me about my career and love life? What are the better response if ever I will encounter these kind of people.
Tell them to mind their own business, and take your sweet ass time to heal, you’re too worried about people outside of you, you can’t control others but you can control yourself, read about cognitive distortions and CBT, Try to workout and keep yourself busy, first romantic love is very special and you feel like you will never be able to move on but time flies and you will forget. Love yourself and take yourself on dates by yourself! Because if you can’t love yourself don’t ask ppl to do! Wish you all the best and one last thing! Love will always come again! Stay strong 💛
Heidiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii This was excellent! Thank you. Definitely showed me areas where I was very caring of my inner child and areas where my inner child took over.
Hi Heidi I've been watching several of your videos for sometime now and just wanted to say THANK YOU. You have a really great way of simplifying and articulating our human relationships which has been extremely helpful to me as a reminder it's all very normal and typical to our different thought processes. This talk has been particularly helpful as a trainee coach myself, as i was coached only yesterday (thanks Josephine) about my lack of boundaries due to my people pleasing tendencies and not being my authentic self and experiencing resentment in relationships for not speaking up. So.... all that to say, I totally related to absolutely everything you said in this video. Thank you, now i feel better equipt on how to express my needs in a cleaner, clearer way and looking after my little inner child, she needs it 🤗... Great presentations thanks again Heidi, keep up the excellent contents. Realising im a bit of a late bloomer 🤷🏾♀️ Best wishes
I just want to thank you so much. I’ve recently stumbled upon your videos and I can’t seem to watch enough of them. I had been suffering in a friendship thinking I was going crazy. You’ve opened up a whole world for me to help me understand so much of what I wasn’t understand and your explanations have been so helpful. It has completely turned around my thinking. I see the amount of work ahead of me, but it feels a whole lot more manageable. 🙏🏽🧡
This video and the one where you specify the difference between boundaries and expectations - has really flipped my brain in a good way! I'm now looking at how a few of my "boundaries" were actually expectations and have readjusted my outlook on my boundaries too. Thank you!
i’ve had an on and off relationship with my mom the past 4 or so years, i’m almost 18. trying to form a relationship with my mom is like watering a dead plant. Those times when she’s nurturing and loving i will always have to take with a grain of salt because it doesn’t last 24 hours before her priorities become socializing with friends and i’m being ignored. My brothers live with my grandparents because she’s not present enough to care for the emotional needs of theirs or mine. Learning how to be authentic around my mom is really hard because i haven’t yet figured out how to create those boundaries with her and how to tell her thank you so much for your video it helped me understand i have an inner child to look out for
Flawless presentation. Keep it up. And I like the format. You could use a slightly warmer vocal recording but I think the fact that there are no distractions is great. No pictures on the wall , noises or cats jumping on your lap, etc. if I lived in NYC I would ask you out for a coffee I think. If you’re ever in Spokane Washington…
This is superlative material. A book I read with similar insights turned my life around. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Hi Heidi, I've been on a journey exploring childhood trauma, attachment difficulties and the road toward healing and developing a more secure attachment style for the past couple of years. Your videos have been a huge source of inspiration and support. Thanks a lot for that :)! With regards to boundaries I can't get rid of the feeling that as they're becoming more of a hot topic, increasingly, they are being misused as an excuse to not have to put in the work. I would absolutely love to see a video sometime about the boundaries of boundaries. Up to what point are we mindfully protecting our inner child - from what point onwards are we sabotaging ourselves from healing the trauma or past experiences that put the (sometimes very rigid) boundaries there to start with? Example: at the beginning of the relationship, partner one refuses to touch partner two in their most intimate area - like at all. Partner two can cope at first, but feels rejected and hopes that partner one will work on this together with them as the bond and the relationship deepens. With time though, partner one seems to point out that this boundary is not negotiable. Partner two tries to point out again that this is something they would like to work through together, on partner one's terms. Partner one keeps repeating though that this is something they pointed out from the beginning and they don't understand why partner two is "pushing" them towards transgressing a clearly set boundary. Partner one adds (also from the beginning) that partner two can go get that touch with someone else instead. There's something about this way of setting boundaries that doesn't feel right, doesn't feel fair to me. To me, this feels like someone is ridding him or herself of the responsibility - even projecting it to their partner by means of blaming for trying to push or negotiate boundaries - to at least tackle the root cause of what put the boundaries where they are in the first place. But maybe my feeling is wrong. PS: as a European viewer watching a channel on psychology, attachment and relationships, I couldn't help but laugh very loudly when you said "I love you guys". My mind just screamed: "Oh my god she's so American 😂". But it did get me wondering and it struck me that I actually don't understand what is meant with this expression. Who exactly is loved? And why? And what is meant with the verb 'to love' in this context? I get that the expression carries a meaning closer to "I'm grateful for your support" but as a linguist, it just did get me to wonder why in the US, this is expressed this way :).
You explained boundaries perfectly!!🤞🏽👏🏽❤️ thank you! I love your videos… thank you for your authenticity and clarity on what healthy love for self looks like. So glad I was lead to your videos.🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️🥰🥰
Heidi your videos are incredible and beautifully articulated when you explain these topics. You can feel the passion you have in your videos. I think your content would be awesome as a podcast, I would listen everyone morning on my commute!
I am an entp, and God this really was so helpful as i use fe rather highly, and honestly, I can be resentful yet instead of talking, I cut people off.. It is actually hard to talk this way of authentically, yet I resent them over stepping my lines, yet I don't think about the questions you said. I think always on others boundaries but not my own.. I think I realised I'm doing it wrong.. yet I'm boundary based on my thoughts. Much appreciated .
A compromise is healthy, we don't feel resentful. Well put. So obvious, that it eludes. I need to do more inner work to find my authentic boundaries, and nurture the disappointed child within.
I’m nearly 48 and the way you’ve eloquently explained this topic that’s come up throughout my life as a problem and how it could be handled is mind blowing. If only I’d learned these things earlier. One scenario I am quite literally currently in is one you didn’t cover and I’m not sure how to apply it. It’s the same problem that has smacked me in the face of my 23 year career as a dental hygienist. Setting boundaries with patients, mostly male patients. I have never known how to treat them clinically while conversing with them professionally and not give them hope that there may be a romantic connection. This is not to say I have so many guys that hit on me. But over the years there have been quite a few. Last year it was a guy at least 10 years younger and he asked me out for ice cream and I laughed at him because it caught me off guard and I thought he was joking. Prior years it would be older men that I would NEVER give a chance and when they’d ask me out I’d go in the back and cry. But last week I have a patient that is an extremely nice man, he enjoys conversing with me. Sometimes he calls for me at the office to discuss random things. And he sends me cards. He was in the day your video came out and he gave me a card, even though I never spoke with him directly. How can I handle this and any of these situations moving forward? 🙏🏼 Thanks! 💕
Thank you for one more super helpful video! I find particularly valuable the practical examples that you provide to make the theory more comprehensible - they help greatly to find the right words for communicating boundaries clearly and precisely, which in many cases is an even harder thing to do than figuring out where they lie.
I placed boundaries before our marriage little did I know he went behind my back. I am loosing my true authenticity not enforcing them. I just look the other way and was ( not now ) thinking this is just normal thank you
great explained. Its true everyone talks about boundaries but you helped me understand what that means practical for me and my relationships. Omg, Im so motivated I'd like to start telling everyone what my boundaries are :D
IM JUST SO HAPPY YOU KEEP POSTINGGG but i also am triggered bc i am not really applying what you are teaching me bc i am not dating or consciously making friends right now
I don't understand how I can set these boundaries in friendships but not in relationships. Once it becomes romantic and I feel any attachment I start to allow my boundaries to become murky or non-existent and then form resentments and even self-loathing around them being crossed.
I think that u make sense with the explanation of healthy boundaries within a relationship dynamic but also I just need a lot more patience when it comes to the learning aspect of operating and incorporating my spirituality with it .
I cant tell you how many of your videos Ive watched in only a couple of days! so insightful cant thank you enough. I would like to hear your take on navigating the world of online interactions and online dating with these issues. Also navigating a world of narcissists and how to be better at connecting with the right people and avoiding the wrong ones. I wish I had a guide book for that but so far love bombing is the only thing Ive been able to develop an intuition for.
just come to realize that all my ex partners (and also myself) are awfully bad at drawing boundaries. Led to a whole lot of resentment, because of unmet expectations and the impossible task to want the other to read your mind or take on all of the emotional labour by asking what’s wrong all the time (when one partner starts to pull away instead of communicating). Thank you!
I think it would be so useful if there was a video for fearful avoidants who have deactivated and shut down and have made some sort of horrible rash decision that they are now trying to navigate. I have been looking for something like that. There is a lot to help other people understand it, but there is very little to help an actual deactivated person come back into their feelings.
WARNING Never ever let a narcissist know where your boundaries are. This is an invitation for them to cross them, dominate you and use it as a weak point to manipulate you, harm you, hurt you and gas light you. This video doesn't take the narcissistic relationship into consideration! Leave the narcissist. Run!
I am 59 and my adult daughter is 31. I once again am feeling overwhelmed frustrated and resentful because of my choices to provide her a financial cushion with every fall she has had in life. This last one costing me the most financially yet. I so want to turn this relationship around, it feels like turning the titanic around and it seems that there is not a lot of info out there on a codependency relationship with fathers daughters. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I know these are my issues first and foremost and I blame her and its my own lack of boundaries. I have my own abandonment issues for sure.
I think an important area that discussions like this on relationship issues have not yet seemed to address is the role that physical health can play. A lot of these discussions seem to assume that both parties have a good baseline of health and that relationship difficulties are largely the result of maladaptive attachment styles, poor boundary setting or other psychological issues. I am starting to wonder if the real underlying factor behind all these relationship difficulties is in fact undiagnosed and unrecognised health difficulties. I think there are a lot of autoimmune and genetic issues that go unrecognised from early childhood and although these may not be easily visible externally, I suspect they almost all effect one key factor - and that is a person’s energy. I have started to wonder if this may even be a deciding factor in which coping strategy and role a child ends up adopting in life. Going right into our deepest instincts - animals will instinctively try to hide when they are not well because it puts them in a more vulnerable position with regard to predators and with those more dominant in the social hierarchy. Illness and disease can also unconsciously evoke a disgust response particularly in those individuals who are low in empathy. This is an unfortunate shadow feature of the human psyche and we have seen this innate response be purposely exploited on many occasions by tyrannical governments who are in the process of seeking to divide and weaken a society for the purposes of greater social control. Examples being the holocaust where propaganda was put out that Jewish people were dirty. Or the HIV epidemic. And much more recently over the c pandemic where those opting not to vaccinate were vilified, ridiculed and blamed for spreading disease. Which it subsequently became clear was blatantly untrue. In any case the groups that were ‘othered’ due to a perception that they spread illness and disease were scapegoated. Which is a way of dealing with the instinctual emotions of fear & disgust. And scapegoats have been used since biblical times for this purpose - basically to calm the nervous systems of those doing the scapegoating down and to re-establish boundaries as to what is healthy and safe and what is potentially diseased and therefore a threat. And despite surface level reassurances to the contrary, with this long history of how society treats those it deems mysteriously unwell as ‘unclean’ and a threat is it any wonder we instinctively feel we have to hide feelings of having low energy or vague pain except to our most trusted family members often. From personal experience of having low energy levels since I was a young child, and a brother who had unusually high levels of energy (it turned out later he actually had a condition where he has too many red blood cells) it became obvious to me I could never match his energy levels. Is it coincidence that he ended up being high in narcissism and a dismissive avoidant, while I took on a fearful avoidant more codependent role. This low energy continued throughout my life and I have always had an awareness of having a sense of shame about it and not feeling as though I could use it as a reason for not being able to commit to many of the plans my friends could, or stay up late without paying the next day, or go on trips. I think I was slightly flaky when younger but was unaware of exactly why but I think it was a fear of feeling exhausted and unable to cope emotionally and feeling vulnerable. I was never diagnosed with anything and my parents never looked into it, but as an adult I have a few ideas now about what the causes might be - and they are likely genetic weaknesses with some environmental stressors. I think there is a lot of this type of unseen undiagnosed illness in society and this probably plays a large role into why people have so much trouble with setting clear boundaries - because if you have chronic fatigue but aren’t diagnosed people will often see it as laziness or a can’t be bothered attitude or other character flaw. (Eg being flaky). It seems very different when a condition has been diagnosed because the person can then legitimately say what they can and cannot do and be taken at face value. Ie they are clear on their boundaries and society has officially and publicly validated those boundaries. That is why I think those with a recognised health condition often seem to have better mental health and a more positive outlook on life than those who are struggling with undiagnosed vague symptoms of fatigue or other chronic health conditions. I think this is an area that could be explored more in psychology analyses of social behaviour and relationship dynamics. As an end note - I keep imagining the scene when baby birds are in a nest and the bigger healthier more robust chick will push the weaker chick out of the nest. Or the ‘runt’ of the litter will be abandoned by the parent animal that opts to put its resources into the healthier offspring that are more likely to survive. I have to ask - are humans all that much different? We luckily have our higher cognitive ability and have developed morals & ethics that tell us we should look after the weak & vulnerable. But I think unconsciously even a human parent may favour a healthier child over a less healthy child partly because the less healthy child will by default be more ‘needy’ and use up more of the parents own energy which they may unconsciously or consciously feel resentment for.
Thank you for this analysis! I think you are onto something very important that's not talked about or understood. I can relate to this a lot. I've had CFS for 10 years, and only after 9 years I got an official diagnosis. So I've had a mysterious, but very strong fatigue for a very long time. The illness has affected my relationships in many ways and made me very lonely. First of all I think most of my friends/ relatives still don't understand my illness. It's very hard to talk about, probably partly because of the natural protection mechanism you talked about (great insight!), but also chronic illness is such a huge cultural taboo. I find I hit a wall so often when I try to talk about my situation. People have so much rejection towards hearing about, and that makes me even more lonely. The closer to me they are, the harder it actually is. More distant people are actually often much easier to talk to. I never thought about that instinctual disgust reaction towards illness! But I've realized my friends/ relatives are afraid of my illness somehow, even the "more aware" ones. It's a very difficult place to be. To try to hold on to at least some friendships and also keep my authenticity, as Heidi was talking. I relate also a lot to people feeling I'm flaky because I can never be sure if I can keep the plans because of my illness. And that makes them frustrated and distant from me. It's understandable, but at the same time I feel it's unfair and that it's very difficult to have an honest conversation about the reasons of my "flakiness", because people don't want to face it. Anyway, thanks again for sharing your insights.
@@herecomesthesun21you’re welcome & thanks for your reply. I’m happy you could relate to the ideas, sorry to hear you have had chronic fatigue for such a long time. I do think it is an issue that hasn’t yet been discussed too much with regard to the topic of childhood trauma. There are many discussions over how childhood trauma might help bring on illness in later years, which I do think is a valid argument. But not so much consideration given to how chronic illness in childhood (or adulthood as you have experienced) may also predispose an individual to experiencing neglect and abuse due to that innate very deep disgust response. And it does make it doubly unfair as you say - not only is the individual suffering more physically but they then are subject to social punishment for it - whether it be direct or indirect, conscious or unconscious. I do think its a common feeling for those with undx chronic illness to feel as though they are walking a tightrope of whether or not to disclose their condition and how bad they are really feeling, knowing there is often rejection for doing so, and trying to decide how much energy they are able to allocate to trying to maintain relationships knowing the toll that will take later. The lack of trust and secrecy all can add a layer of shame which is not what we need when trying to recover. Another nuance to this hypothesis is variation in the way different individuals experience emotion and people also experience emotions at different levels of intensity. Eg someone who is highly narcissistic is probably likely to experience a stronger disgust response at anyone they perceive as weak, needy or ill - perhaps because they have very rigid personal boundaries and a need to feel perfect - and anyone weak or needy would threaten that. Whereas someone high in openness and agreeableness would feel less threatened. Going even deeper and more esoteric (lol) if you think about it - I wonder if the main lesson from Christianity and Jesus - was in fact that humans should strive to temper our innate disgust response, to those weaker and more vulnerable and instead override that instinct with higher moral and cognitive reasoning. Ie he embraced the leper etc instead of shunning them and casting them out. In many societies the natural social order can be more of a ‘survival of the fittest’ ‘might is right’ system. A particularly harsh and tragic example of this is Haiti where society seems to have collapsed due to economic hardship and corruption, is that it is apparently not uncommon for babies born with any type of physical or cognitive disability to be literally cast off cliff tops by their mothers which is actively encouraged by voodoo shaman leaders due to ignorance and fear along with the pressure on already scarce resources.
@@universaltruth2025 I'm sorry it took me long to answer. Thanks for your thoughts also in this comment! I'm too tired now to answer as thoroughly as I'd like to, but you really gave me important insights. It's somehow comforting to know that someone somewhere is having similar thoughts and ponderings as I, although I don't wish this illness for anyone. I wish you all the best and best possible health & relationships in your life.
@@herecomesthesun21 No worries at all - My comments can be a bit long winded for most people. I appreciate you simply reading them & commenting! It is comforting to me as well to also know I’m not alone in wondering these things as I haven’t seen this issue discussed v much elsewhere. Its a bit of a ‘did the cart come before the horse or the horse before the cart’ question with regard to - did illness come before and contribute to poor parenting & cptsd or after? Probably a mix of both. Having on-off undx chronic fatigue myself I think the key question or challenge for us is how to mitigate or lessen the constant background feeling of shame that comes with having low energy and illness? Because for me its always quite a significant background feature. For me its because I know once again I won’t be able to get much done and its combined with depression and frustration about that. And I think it may be called ‘toxic shame’ because of that link to the disgust emotion. It does literally feel toxic. And sometimes it also activates my fight/flight sympathetic nervous system so I feel anxious and jittery on top of the other negative emotions, which I suppose is not surprising because unconsciously we must be sensing threat due to feeling vulnerable to potential criticism from others. So those things are obviously not going to assist with our recovery. I have started saying to myself ‘Jesus loved us unconditionally’ regardless of whether our parents, family and friends do/did. And I think that is a key message - the unconditional self love regardless of health status or any other type of status. Thank you for your kind comments and best wishes for your life health and recovery also ❤️💕🙏
When people know you have established boundaries to keep your life in a private place but choose to ignore them, they often fail to realize how mentally disturbing that is. When a person tells you how you should treat them and it is ignored, it makes your life horrible. Especially if that person keeps trying to deal with you or have some influence in your life. Respect begins with being clear with people about what your boundaries are and having that adhered to!
being a person of wanting close affection and notice I do feel lonely inside my own mind I'm crying for attention not wanting to be pushed away or be ignored by others .
I think this is the first video of yours that didn’t totally resonate with me, at least when contemplating my relationship with my dad. I will have to watch it through again. I think in my case it’s because I know that the chances of getting my dad to even listen to me and hear me out when I “share my authenticity” with him is nil and my expectations for him are already rock bottom. But lI’m also realizing that I need to get out my thoughts and feelings about him to myself first. I’ve buried the resentment for so long. Tried to take the high road, be understanding, and make excuses for him because he’s the only parent I have who has at least gone through the motions of showing me love at any point in my life and the truth of being a functional orphan with two living parents feels downright shameful and like a stain on me that everyone can see.
Makes me feel sad knowing that if I had been better at communicating, connecting and setting boundaries with my ex maybe she wouldn’t had felt so distant and left me
what if someone (my husband) IS saying he loves me and wants to be close to me, but keeps being rude and defensive...how would I know if my inner child needs to "leave"?
Ok so what do we do if we want to create distance from a relationship which we are obligated to keep? Relatives, coworkers... I do not need to set boundaries for my feelings I need to get them to back off.
The difficulty I contend with is not really knowing whether I want to do something for someone or not. How do I weigh that? Maybe toxic shame has me disconnected from my authentic self?
That's maybe a problem for me I just go into the person I think I am or am I acting and when you have no clear line but mixed signals what do you do or think, all these attachments styles I think I'm in here somewhere and I know someone close that is aswell but am just so confused lol
when you start your teens with a c-PTSD and that you are bullied,;it sounds good as long as "people" respect them. Self esteem? probably... So, when a woman came to me, talked with me then lived with me...well, I still don't know what are boundaries.
TDLR: When someone deliberately ignores you, like as if im a ghost in the room even if I say hi, is that a proper boundary that should be respected? Like i don;t want to cross a boundary if someone genuinely doesn't want to engage with me but ignoring them and returning this coldness is inauthentic to myself but it fucking hurts if im constantly reaching out and instead I get a slap in the face. If there is an issue I'm someone that wants to sort it out and not do this weird charade of im gonna ignore u bc I know how that fucking feels. this is a bit of a rant and its quite exposing of my inability of feeling secure and valid in my own emotions. im a chronic people pleaser that takes on other ppls emotions as my own and let other ppls perception of me change the way I perceive myself. How do u know if someone is setting a healthy boundary and if someone is being unreasonable? or maybe I'm taking this too personally but it is personal. I had a recent breakdown of trust with one of my roommates, it wasn't anything major but it seemed to be a build up of little things that we never communicated to each other. I was someone who never voiced my needs bc i didn't want to inconvenience and disturb, i held a lot of space for her and I when i realized that space wasnt reciprocated the resentment started to build cause it started to feel hypocritical. there were moments where she did and said things that hurt me and crossed my boundaries that I didn't voice, i didnt want to be confrontational, and im a push over lmfao. im sure there were things that I did, she felt the same though she's some one who doesnt seek to ppl pls, kind of the polar opposite of me, she has a short fuse, and can be very passive agressive. A misunderstanding happens and she immediately assumes the worst of me accusing me of something I didnt do, but TDLR I wasn't responsible of the thing she accused me of, I was responsible for a lack of communication that led her to that reaction. We talked it out I confronted her for the first time about feeling like she had disrespected me on multiple occasions but I don't hold that against her. I thought we had sorted it out but now it's as if I'm a ghost in my apartment bc I have another roommate that is best friends with her mostly she doesn't talk to me in her presence. I want to address it bc this behaviour is bizarre to me. I've tried to start a genuine casual conversation and get immediately shut down by a look, or glare, or one word or nothing at all. It doesn't feel good and I feel like I'm tiptoeing around a ticking bomb, and I just want to understand if there's any way I can help the situation bc it is exhausting. And I cannot stop internalizing the hatred she has for me instead of focusing on my clear values of being someone that's compassionate... clearly i need some boundaries of my own.
In terms of time together, if both had time available but choose to maybe see each other 1 or 2 times a month, would you consider a relationship objectifying, even if consensual?
WOW! A definite shift occurred after hearing, "Boundaries are not something that we need to set. They are something that already exist."
That's backwards. Boundaries don't set themselves, nor enforce themselves. We do it all, unless we have guardians looking after us as children.
@@m2pozadI think this is missing the point..... your boundary is going to be felt by you first, that's the point
@@f.u.c8308😊😊
@@m2pozad I heard/understood that differently. What I heard was that our authentic self has natural boundaries. If we are acting authentically, are tuned into ourselves, and are taking care of ourselves, then those boundaries are evident to us and we can act from them. But if we are not in tune with ourselves or not taking care of our authentic selves, we may not recognize and acknowledge our natural boundaries. A healthy person will recognize their authentic boundaries and take responsibility for acknowledging them and sharing them with those that we want to be in relationship with and taking actions that support their own boundaries or modify them in a way that remains authentic.
@@f.u.c8308 Of course one is privy to their own reactions or needs. But others have no idea what those are until they are conveyed in some manner. One's communication about their less fluid or non-negotiable issues is the beginning of boundary setting. Such as "I like, prefer, don't like, hate, etc.. Once that expression does not produce a desired adjustment, the fixed boundary is employed.
Growing up with your boundaries constantly being crossed makes you lose your sense of authenticity. I feel like I'm still learning my authentic self now after all these years, and so I have to learn what is an authentic boundary as well. That makes setting them difficult, obviously. But I'm learning more and improving every day.
Thanks for your work. I and many others deeply appreciate it.
I felt every word as my own experience. Especially the first sentence. It was like 'the sky is blue and grass is green' when I read it. You nailed it. Thanks
Your videos are literally giving me a crash course in things I haven’t understood before and I’m 47! Thank you!
I feel the same way ... and I'm 47 too!
I turned 50 this year and have had decades of therapy. Heidi is the best therapist I've ever had 😂 (she just doesn't know I'm her client, lol). So many things have come together for me since I started watching her. I go back and listen to certain videos to help me stay present. She is such a gift.
Same! And I'm 49 😁. Thanks Heidi for creating and sharing these videos 👍🏽👍🏽
45 here, and feeling and hoping the same! Heidi has changed my whole mindset
LOL you are so lucky, I didn't discover what a boundary was until I was 60! 😱
My inner child is actually a lot better than me at getting mad and asking for better and getting me to set a boundary 😅 I love that about her 😊
Hahaha, same. When she said that, I was like, no, my inner child is not over-extending. She is royally pissed and would gtfo if I let her... I should really take her more seriously.
I think when your boundaries are repeatedly violated as a child, or when a child tries to set a boundary and gets punished for it it becomes really difficult to set boundaries as an adult for fear of those types of reactions. At least in my experience
Absolutely. I suspect most parents don't properly model establishing boundaries or they dont expect children should be allowed to have boundaries. Theres a pretty common "children are property" mindset
@@hiruki8So true! When a child tries to set a boundary, a lot of people punish the child for being "disrespectful" or having an "attitude," instead of acknowledging the boundary but gently teaching the child how to clearly communicate that in a respectful way.
all the other cousel on youtube reveals concepts, theories, strategies but not the practical application that is truly a step by step manual process the yield results. Your coursework in University has given you incredible enlightenment of how to execute effective instruction that is esily accessible and can be utilizde almost in every aspect of our day to day living in most questionable circumstances in all environmrnts.. A blessing you are to all those who continue to seek your wisdom and consultation as you truly live your passion to help others to overcome that which you also endured but learned all the value lessons and refused to give up, give in or give out... Thank you Heidi 🙏
I’ve always thought of a boundary as “this makes it safe for us to grow close without abandoning ourselves” but I think it’s just a dumbed down version of what you’re already saying
I found I never needed to set boundaries. I already had my boundaries. I just wasn't communicating them. I was really listening to myself and refusing to seem them. That lead to resentment.
This is one of the most helpful videos I have ever watched. Thank you for laying this all out there in such a way that is easily digestible and understood.
Every time I see Heidi upload I legit get so excited
This is soooo helpful, thank you. I really love how compassionate you are, and how these descriptions are so clear and simple and also detailed. It's light having the lights turned on and suddenly being able to see clearly
I really appreciate this video. Great advice. I'm dealing with anxiety disorder from one trauma after another. But I am finally doing the work to heal my Inner child, and feeling great about my progress. Now my daughter is trying to gaslight me because I said I don't feel comfortable with her boyfriend staying in my apartment. I original said yes to help her, but I had a change of mind because he creeps me out and I feel like once I let them in, it will be difficult to get them to go because he has different ideas about what life is all about, and I want no part of it. When I told her how I feel, she criticized me instead of trying to understand how I'm feeling and how it's affecting me. This video gives me the courage to be true to my inner child, who I am really determined to heal because she so deserves to be treated with the utmost love and care after everything she has been through for so long, I must choose her first. Thanks for the great advice❤
Hi Heidi. I absolutely love your videos. You are helping me overcoming my traumas and other psychological and emotional issues in life. I just came from a very traumatic break-up. He was my first boyfriend. Honestly, it's been a year since that break up and people are expecting me to have a boyfriend now. I get tried explaining or saying not now because I am still on my healing stage and some are pushing me to date while what I want is to make my self better and be this secured attached person before I date again. I have a career problems because I quitted from my previous job who gave me a traumatic experience also. I was overload, overworking and my salary is below minimum. My history is that I came from a broken family and I grew up living along at the age of 12 so I have a lot of traumatic experiences in life. I want to stop the self pity, feeling shame and all sorts of negative emotions and perceptions and I want to love my life. I have been isolating from people to the extent that I don't want to see them at all and I prefered to lock myself in my room. This is not healthy I know and I want to get out from this. The problem is if I see people, I am sweating and palpitating.
Can I request you to make a video how to deal with people who keeps pestering me about my career and love life? What are the better response if ever I will encounter these kind of people.
Tell them to mind their own business, and take your sweet ass time to heal, you’re too worried about people outside of you, you can’t control others but you can control yourself, read about cognitive distortions and CBT, Try to workout and keep yourself busy, first romantic love is very special and you feel like you will never be able to move on but time flies and you will forget. Love yourself and take yourself on dates by yourself! Because if you can’t love yourself don’t ask ppl to do! Wish you all the best and one last thing! Love will always come again! Stay strong 💛
Heidiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii This was excellent! Thank you. Definitely showed me areas where I was very caring of my inner child and areas where my inner child took over.
Heidi I love your channel. It is helping me get back into my rational brain. Going through a break up and hurting bad.
I love this channel so much. My Pete Walker and John Bradshaw books just came in the mail! No other youtuber could motivate me to read
Hi Heidi I've been watching several of your videos for sometime now and just wanted to say THANK YOU. You have a really great way of simplifying and articulating our human relationships which has been extremely helpful to me as a reminder it's all very normal and typical to our different thought processes. This talk has been particularly helpful as a trainee coach myself, as i was coached only yesterday (thanks Josephine) about my lack of boundaries due to my people pleasing tendencies and not being my authentic self and experiencing resentment in relationships for not speaking up. So.... all that to say, I totally related to absolutely everything you said in this video. Thank you, now i feel better equipt on how to express my needs in a cleaner, clearer way and looking after my little inner child, she needs it 🤗... Great presentations thanks again Heidi, keep up the excellent contents. Realising im a bit of a late bloomer 🤷🏾♀️ Best wishes
I just want to thank you so much. I’ve recently stumbled upon your videos and I can’t seem to watch enough of them. I had been suffering in a friendship thinking I was going crazy. You’ve opened up a whole world for me to help me understand so much of what I wasn’t understand and your explanations have been so helpful. It has completely turned around my thinking. I see the amount of work ahead of me, but it feels a whole lot more manageable. 🙏🏽🧡
You are ABSOLUTELY brilliant! Your presentations on boundaries are the best out there.
Thank you for this great work!
Thanks! So grateful for your work and all that you share.
FINALLY: a definition that is clear and useful. Fabulous.
This video and the one where you specify the difference between boundaries and expectations - has really flipped my brain in a good way! I'm now looking at how a few of my "boundaries" were actually expectations and have readjusted my outlook on my boundaries too. Thank you!
Heidi your RUclips channel has changed my life. THANK YOU
i’ve had an on and off relationship with my mom the past 4 or so years, i’m almost 18. trying to form a relationship with my mom is like watering a dead plant. Those times when she’s nurturing and loving i will always have to take with a grain of salt because it doesn’t last 24 hours before her priorities become socializing with friends and i’m being ignored. My brothers live with my grandparents because she’s not present enough to care for the emotional needs of theirs or mine. Learning how to be authentic around my mom is really hard because i haven’t yet figured out how to create those boundaries with her and how to tell her
thank you so much for your video it helped me understand i have an inner child to look out for
It's so hard when parents don't provide the emotional support necessary for healthy development. Congratulations on learning about this stuff now.
Flawless presentation. Keep it up.
And I like the format. You could use a slightly warmer vocal recording but I think the fact that there are no distractions is great. No pictures on the wall , noises or cats jumping on your lap, etc. if I lived in NYC I would ask you out for a coffee I think. If you’re ever in Spokane Washington…
Truly excellent! Thank you 🙏
Beautiful, this saved my sanity ❤
Thank you so much for your clarity and simplicity.
This made a connection, it sticks!
I've never heard boundaries described with the perspective from parent to child . It makes much more sense to me when put this way. Thank you
This is superlative material. A book I read with similar insights turned my life around. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Hi Heidi, I've been on a journey exploring childhood trauma, attachment difficulties and the road toward healing and developing a more secure attachment style for the past couple of years. Your videos have been a huge source of inspiration and support. Thanks a lot for that :)!
With regards to boundaries I can't get rid of the feeling that as they're becoming more of a hot topic, increasingly, they are being misused as an excuse to not have to put in the work. I would absolutely love to see a video sometime about the boundaries of boundaries. Up to what point are we mindfully protecting our inner child - from what point onwards are we sabotaging ourselves from healing the trauma or past experiences that put the (sometimes very rigid) boundaries there to start with?
Example: at the beginning of the relationship, partner one refuses to touch partner two in their most intimate area - like at all. Partner two can cope at first, but feels rejected and hopes that partner one will work on this together with them as the bond and the relationship deepens. With time though, partner one seems to point out that this boundary is not negotiable. Partner two tries to point out again that this is something they would like to work through together, on partner one's terms. Partner one keeps repeating though that this is something they pointed out from the beginning and they don't understand why partner two is "pushing" them towards transgressing a clearly set boundary. Partner one adds (also from the beginning) that partner two can go get that touch with someone else instead.
There's something about this way of setting boundaries that doesn't feel right, doesn't feel fair to me. To me, this feels like someone is ridding him or herself of the responsibility - even projecting it to their partner by means of blaming for trying to push or negotiate boundaries - to at least tackle the root cause of what put the boundaries where they are in the first place. But maybe my feeling is wrong.
PS: as a European viewer watching a channel on psychology, attachment and relationships, I couldn't help but laugh very loudly when you said "I love you guys". My mind just screamed: "Oh my god she's so American 😂". But it did get me wondering and it struck me that I actually don't understand what is meant with this expression. Who exactly is loved? And why? And what is meant with the verb 'to love' in this context? I get that the expression carries a meaning closer to "I'm grateful for your support" but as a linguist, it just did get me to wonder why in the US, this is expressed this way :).
You explained boundaries perfectly!!🤞🏽👏🏽❤️ thank you! I love your videos… thank you for your authenticity and clarity on what healthy love for self looks like. So glad I was lead to your videos.🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️🥰🥰
Heidi your videos are incredible and beautifully articulated when you explain these topics. You can feel the passion you have in your videos. I think your content would be awesome as a podcast, I would listen everyone morning on my commute!
Thanks for the insight as always!! Wonderful advice!
This is unbelievably helpful! Thank you!!!
Thank you so much, I find your videos deeply insightful and very helpful ❤
I am an entp, and God this really was so helpful as i use fe rather highly, and honestly, I can be resentful yet instead of talking, I cut people off.. It is actually hard to talk this way of authentically, yet I resent them over stepping my lines, yet I don't think about the questions you said.
I think always on others boundaries but not my own.. I think I realised I'm doing it wrong.. yet I'm boundary based on my thoughts. Much appreciated .
A compromise is healthy, we don't feel resentful.
Well put.
So obvious, that it eludes.
I need to do more inner work to find my authentic boundaries, and nurture the disappointed child within.
It is sooooo good!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ The work is huge sometimes, but worth it!
Wow this is so helpful tips on boundaries, thank you! May God bless you Heidi!✝️❤️🥰
❤2:11 I love your definition of Personal Boundaries. The limits of our own Authenticity 👍🏼❤ LOVE THIS ▶️2:47
I’m nearly 48 and the way you’ve eloquently explained this topic that’s come up throughout my life as a problem and how it could be handled is mind blowing. If only I’d learned these things earlier. One scenario I am quite literally currently in is one you didn’t cover and I’m not sure how to apply it. It’s the same problem that has smacked me in the face of my 23 year career as a dental hygienist. Setting boundaries with patients, mostly male patients. I have never known how to treat them clinically while conversing with them professionally and not give them hope that there may be a romantic connection. This is not to say I have so many guys that hit on me. But over the years there have been quite a few. Last year it was a guy at least 10 years younger and he asked me out for ice cream and I laughed at him because it caught me off guard and I thought he was joking. Prior years it would be older men that I would NEVER give a chance and when they’d ask me out I’d go in the back and cry. But last week I have a patient that is an extremely nice man, he enjoys conversing with me. Sometimes he calls for me at the office to discuss random things. And he sends me cards. He was in the day your video came out and he gave me a card, even though I never spoke with him directly. How can I handle this and any of these situations moving forward? 🙏🏼 Thanks! 💕
every video, every time: so eye opening. so important
6:44 To 8:03 is GLORIOUS
Thank you for one more super helpful video! I find particularly valuable the practical examples that you provide to make the theory more comprehensible - they help greatly to find the right words for communicating boundaries clearly and precisely, which in many cases is an even harder thing to do than figuring out where they lie.
I wish youtube had forced this video upon me a year ago... this would have saved me from so much destruction and pain
Your videos make my life better, thank you for sharing your knowledge!
I placed boundaries before our marriage little did I know he went behind my back. I am loosing my true authenticity not enforcing them. I just look the other way and was ( not now ) thinking this is just normal thank you
great explained. Its true everyone talks about boundaries but you helped me understand what that means practical for me and my relationships. Omg, Im so motivated I'd like to start telling everyone what my boundaries are :D
What happened to the vidéo about codependency? I would like to watch it again, it was so interesting!
Thank you Heidi Priebe. 🙏🤗❤️🙂
IM JUST SO HAPPY YOU KEEP POSTINGGG but i also am triggered bc i am not really applying what you are teaching me bc i am not dating or consciously making friends right now
I don't understand how I can set these boundaries in friendships but not in relationships. Once it becomes romantic and I feel any attachment I start to allow my boundaries to become murky or non-existent and then form resentments and even self-loathing around them being crossed.
You absolutely rock. Great stuff.
Your videos are superb
Thank you very much
Wow! Learned SO much from this video. Very impactful, insightful, and dare i say, joyful(?)! Brava!
Thank you. This video has been super helpful for me. Especially the friend example.
I think that u make sense with the explanation of healthy boundaries within a relationship dynamic but also I just need a lot more patience when it comes to the learning aspect of operating and incorporating my spirituality with it .
Thanks!
LOVE THIS ❤
This was absolutely wonderful! So so so so sooo good!!
I cant tell you how many of your videos Ive watched in only a couple of days! so insightful cant thank you enough.
I would like to hear your take on navigating the world of online interactions and online dating with these issues.
Also navigating a world of narcissists and how to be better at connecting with the right people and avoiding the wrong ones. I wish I had a guide book for that but so far love bombing is the only thing Ive been able to develop an intuition for.
Literally just been talking about this very thing with a female friend.
just come to realize that all my ex partners (and also myself) are awfully bad at drawing boundaries. Led to a whole lot of resentment, because of unmet expectations and the impossible task to want the other to read your mind or take on all of the emotional labour by asking what’s wrong all the time (when one partner starts to pull away instead of communicating). Thank you!
I think it would be so useful if there was a video for fearful avoidants who have deactivated and shut down and have made some sort of horrible rash decision that they are now trying to navigate. I have been looking for something like that. There is a lot to help other people understand it, but there is very little to help an actual deactivated person come back into their feelings.
Very helpful - thank you!
WARNING
Never ever let a narcissist know where your boundaries are. This is an invitation for them to cross them, dominate you and use it as a weak point to manipulate you, harm you, hurt you and gas light you.
This video doesn't take the narcissistic relationship into consideration!
Leave the narcissist. Run!
I am 59 and my adult daughter is 31. I once again am feeling overwhelmed frustrated and resentful because of my choices to provide her a financial cushion with every fall she has had in life. This last one costing me the most financially yet. I so want to turn this relationship around, it feels like turning the titanic around and it seems that there is not a lot of info out there on a codependency relationship with fathers daughters. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I know these are my issues first and foremost and I blame her and its my own lack of boundaries. I have my own abandonment issues for sure.
I think an important area that discussions like this on relationship issues have not yet seemed to address is the role that physical health can play. A lot of these discussions seem to assume that both parties have a good baseline of health and that relationship difficulties are largely the result of maladaptive attachment styles, poor boundary setting or other psychological issues. I am starting to wonder if the real underlying factor behind all these relationship difficulties is in fact undiagnosed and unrecognised health difficulties. I think there are a lot of autoimmune and genetic issues that go unrecognised from early childhood and although these may not be easily visible externally, I suspect they almost all effect one key factor - and that is a person’s energy. I have started to wonder if this may even be a deciding factor in which coping strategy and role a child ends up adopting in life. Going right into our deepest instincts - animals will instinctively try to hide when they are not well because it puts them in a more vulnerable position with regard to predators and with those more dominant in the social hierarchy. Illness and disease can also unconsciously evoke a disgust response particularly in those individuals who are low in empathy. This is an unfortunate shadow feature of the human psyche and we have seen this innate response be purposely exploited on many occasions by tyrannical governments who are in the process of seeking to divide and weaken a society for the purposes of greater social control. Examples being the holocaust where propaganda was put out that Jewish people were dirty. Or the HIV epidemic. And much more recently over the c pandemic where those opting not to vaccinate were vilified, ridiculed and blamed for spreading disease. Which it subsequently became clear was blatantly untrue. In any case the groups that were ‘othered’ due to a perception that they spread illness and disease were scapegoated. Which is a way of dealing with the instinctual emotions of fear & disgust. And scapegoats have been used since biblical times for this purpose - basically to calm the nervous systems of those doing the scapegoating down and to re-establish boundaries as to what is healthy and safe and what is potentially diseased and therefore a threat. And despite surface level reassurances to the contrary, with this long history of how society treats those it deems mysteriously unwell as ‘unclean’ and a threat is it any wonder we instinctively feel we have to hide feelings of having low energy or vague pain except to our most trusted family members often.
From personal experience of having low energy levels since I was a young child, and a brother who had unusually high levels of energy (it turned out later he actually had a condition where he has too many red blood cells) it became obvious to me I could never match his energy levels. Is it coincidence that he ended up being high in narcissism and a dismissive avoidant, while I took on a fearful avoidant more codependent role. This low energy continued throughout my life and I have always had an awareness of having a sense of shame about it and not feeling as though I could use it as a reason for not being able to commit to many of the plans my friends could, or stay up late without paying the next day, or go on trips. I think I was slightly flaky when younger but was unaware of exactly why but I think it was a fear of feeling exhausted and unable to cope emotionally and feeling vulnerable. I was never diagnosed with anything and my parents never looked into it, but as an adult I have a few ideas now about what the causes might be - and they are likely genetic weaknesses with some environmental stressors. I think there is a lot of this type of unseen undiagnosed illness in society and this probably plays a large role into why people have so much trouble with setting clear boundaries - because if you have chronic fatigue but aren’t diagnosed people will often see it as laziness or a can’t be bothered attitude or other character flaw. (Eg being flaky). It seems very different when a condition has been diagnosed because the person can then legitimately say what they can and cannot do and be taken at face value. Ie they are clear on their boundaries and society has officially and publicly validated those boundaries. That is why I think those with a recognised health condition often seem to have better mental health and a more positive outlook on life than those who are struggling with undiagnosed vague symptoms of fatigue or other chronic health conditions. I think this is an area that could be explored more in psychology analyses of social behaviour and relationship dynamics. As an end note - I keep imagining the scene when baby birds are in a nest and the bigger healthier more robust chick will push the weaker chick out of the nest. Or the ‘runt’ of the litter will be abandoned by the parent animal that opts to put its resources into the healthier offspring that are more likely to survive. I have to ask - are humans all that much different? We luckily have our higher cognitive ability and have developed morals & ethics that tell us we should look after the weak & vulnerable. But I think unconsciously even a human parent may favour a healthier child over a less healthy child partly because the less healthy child will by default be more ‘needy’ and use up more of the parents own energy which they may unconsciously or consciously feel resentment for.
Thank you for this analysis! I think you are onto something very important that's not talked about or understood. I can relate to this a lot. I've had CFS for 10 years, and only after 9 years I got an official diagnosis. So I've had a mysterious, but very strong fatigue for a very long time. The illness has affected my relationships in many ways and made me very lonely.
First of all I think most of my friends/ relatives still don't understand my illness. It's very hard to talk about, probably partly because of the natural protection mechanism you talked about (great insight!), but also chronic illness is such a huge cultural taboo. I find I hit a wall so often when I try to talk about my situation. People have so much rejection towards hearing about, and that makes me even more lonely. The closer to me they are, the harder it actually is. More distant people are actually often much easier to talk to. I never thought about that instinctual disgust reaction towards illness! But I've realized my friends/ relatives are afraid of my illness somehow, even the "more aware" ones. It's a very difficult place to be. To try to hold on to at least some friendships and also keep my authenticity, as Heidi was talking.
I relate also a lot to people feeling I'm flaky because I can never be sure if I can keep the plans because of my illness. And that makes them frustrated and distant from me. It's understandable, but at the same time I feel it's unfair and that it's very difficult to have an honest conversation about the reasons of my "flakiness", because people don't want to face it.
Anyway, thanks again for sharing your insights.
@@herecomesthesun21you’re welcome & thanks for your reply. I’m happy you could relate to the ideas, sorry to hear you have had chronic fatigue for such a long time.
I do think it is an issue that hasn’t yet been discussed too much with regard to the topic of childhood trauma. There are many discussions over how childhood trauma might help bring on illness in later years, which I do think is a valid argument. But not so much consideration given to how chronic illness in childhood (or adulthood as you have experienced) may also predispose an individual to experiencing neglect and abuse due to that innate very deep disgust response. And it does make it doubly unfair as you say - not only is the individual suffering more physically but they then are subject to social punishment for it - whether it be direct or indirect, conscious or unconscious. I do think its a common feeling for those with undx chronic illness to feel as though they are walking a tightrope of whether or not to disclose their condition and how bad they are really feeling, knowing there is often rejection for doing so, and trying to decide how much energy they are able to allocate to trying to maintain relationships knowing the toll that will take later. The lack of trust and secrecy all can add a layer of shame which is not what we need when trying to recover.
Another nuance to this hypothesis is variation in the way different individuals experience emotion and people also experience emotions at different levels of intensity. Eg someone who is highly narcissistic is probably likely to experience a stronger disgust response at anyone they perceive as weak, needy or ill - perhaps because they have very rigid personal boundaries and a need to feel perfect - and anyone weak or needy would threaten that. Whereas someone high in openness and agreeableness would feel less threatened. Going even deeper and more esoteric (lol) if you think about it - I wonder if the main lesson from Christianity and Jesus - was in fact that humans should strive to temper our innate disgust response, to those weaker and more vulnerable and instead override that instinct with higher moral and cognitive reasoning. Ie he embraced the leper etc instead of shunning them and casting them out. In many societies the natural social order can be more of a ‘survival of the fittest’ ‘might is right’ system. A particularly harsh and tragic example of this is Haiti where society seems to have collapsed due to economic hardship and corruption, is that it is apparently not uncommon for babies born with any type of physical or cognitive disability to be literally cast off cliff tops by their mothers which is actively encouraged by voodoo shaman leaders due to ignorance and fear along with the pressure on already scarce resources.
@@universaltruth2025 I'm sorry it took me long to answer. Thanks for your thoughts also in this comment! I'm too tired now to answer as thoroughly as I'd like to, but you really gave me important insights. It's somehow comforting to know that someone somewhere is having similar thoughts and ponderings as I, although I don't wish this illness for anyone. I wish you all the best and best possible health & relationships in your life.
@@herecomesthesun21 No worries at all - My comments can be a bit long winded for most people. I appreciate you simply reading them & commenting! It is comforting to me as well to also know I’m not alone in wondering these things as I haven’t seen this issue discussed v much elsewhere. Its a bit of a ‘did the cart come before the horse or the horse before the cart’ question with regard to - did illness come before and contribute to poor parenting & cptsd or after? Probably a mix of both. Having on-off undx chronic fatigue myself I think the key question or challenge for us is how to mitigate or lessen the constant background feeling of shame that comes with having low energy and illness? Because for me its always quite a significant background feature. For me its because I know once again I won’t be able to get much done and its combined with depression and frustration about that. And I think it may be called ‘toxic shame’ because of that link to the disgust emotion. It does literally feel toxic. And sometimes it also activates my fight/flight sympathetic nervous system so I feel anxious and jittery on top of the other negative emotions, which I suppose is not surprising because unconsciously we must be sensing threat due to feeling vulnerable to potential criticism from others. So those things are obviously not going to assist with our recovery. I have started saying to myself ‘Jesus loved us unconditionally’ regardless of whether our parents, family and friends do/did. And I think that is a key message - the unconditional self love regardless of health status or any other type of status.
Thank you for your kind comments and best wishes for your life health and recovery also ❤️💕🙏
When people know you have established boundaries to keep your life in a private place but choose to ignore them, they often fail to realize how mentally disturbing that is.
When a person tells you how you should treat them and it is ignored, it makes your life horrible. Especially if that person keeps trying to deal with you or have some influence in your life. Respect begins with being clear with people about what your boundaries are and having that adhered to!
What happened to the codependency video that you published the other day, I was hoping to rewatch it.
I noticed that too. Seemed fine to me.
Thanks heid
being a person of wanting close affection and notice I do feel lonely inside my own mind I'm crying for attention not wanting to be pushed away or be ignored by others .
For some people, setting a “boundary” is a convenient way to keep people out when in fact it can be a great way to let people in.
Damn her channel saved me from a toxic relationship thank u so much 🫶
I love! Thanks
❤❤❤
This video is incredible ❤
I think this is the first video of yours that didn’t totally resonate with me, at least when contemplating my relationship with my dad. I will have to watch it through again.
I think in my case it’s because I know that the chances of getting my dad to even listen to me and hear me out when I “share my authenticity” with him is nil and my expectations for him are already rock bottom. But lI’m also realizing that I need to get out my thoughts and feelings about him to myself first. I’ve buried the resentment for so long. Tried to take the high road, be understanding, and make excuses for him because he’s the only parent I have who has at least gone through the motions of showing me love at any point in my life and the truth of being a functional orphan with two living parents feels downright shameful and like a stain on me that everyone can see.
🙏
Makes me feel sad knowing that if I had been better at communicating, connecting and setting boundaries with my ex maybe she wouldn’t had felt so distant and left me
Hi heidi, what happened to the CPTSD video that was uploaded then taken down? Will it be back up soon?
Wow
Merci!
Is the primary desire of people in a relationship to 'be happy'?
what if someone (my husband) IS saying he loves me and wants to be close to me, but keeps being rude and defensive...how would I know if my inner child needs to "leave"?
This was so useful ❤
Ok so what do we do if we want to create distance from a relationship which we are obligated to keep? Relatives, coworkers... I do not need to set boundaries for my feelings I need to get them to back off.
Recap with bullet points please
The difficulty I contend with is not really knowing whether I want to do something for someone or not. How do I weigh that? Maybe toxic shame has me disconnected from my authentic self?
That's maybe a problem for me I just go into the person I think I am or am I acting and when you have no clear line but mixed signals what do you do or think, all these attachments styles I think I'm in here somewhere and I know someone close that is aswell but am just so confused lol
when you start your teens with a c-PTSD and that you are bullied,;it sounds good as long as "people" respect them. Self esteem? probably... So, when a woman came to me, talked with me then lived with me...well, I still don't know what are boundaries.
2:10 Meet Me Halfway ~ BEP
TDLR: When someone deliberately ignores you, like as if im a ghost in the room even if I say hi, is that a proper boundary that should be respected? Like i don;t want to cross a boundary if someone genuinely doesn't want to engage with me but ignoring them and returning this coldness is inauthentic to myself but it fucking hurts if im constantly reaching out and instead I get a slap in the face. If there is an issue I'm someone that wants to sort it out and not do this weird charade of im gonna ignore u bc I know how that fucking feels.
this is a bit of a rant and its quite exposing of my inability of feeling secure and valid in my own emotions.
im a chronic people pleaser that takes on other ppls emotions as my own and let other ppls perception of me change the way I perceive myself. How do u know if someone is setting a healthy boundary and if someone is being unreasonable? or maybe I'm taking this too personally but it is personal. I had a recent breakdown of trust with one of my roommates, it wasn't anything major but it seemed to be a build up of little things that we never communicated to each other. I was someone who never voiced my needs bc i didn't want to inconvenience and disturb, i held a lot of space for her and I when i realized that space wasnt reciprocated the resentment started to build cause it started to feel hypocritical. there were moments where she did and said things that hurt me and crossed my boundaries that I didn't voice, i didnt want to be confrontational, and im a push over lmfao. im sure there were things that I did, she felt the same though she's some one who doesnt seek to ppl pls, kind of the polar opposite of me, she has a short fuse, and can be very passive agressive. A misunderstanding happens and she immediately assumes the worst of me accusing me of something I didnt do, but TDLR I wasn't responsible of the thing she accused me of, I was responsible for a lack of communication that led her to that reaction. We talked it out I confronted her for the first time about feeling like she had disrespected me on multiple occasions but I don't hold that against her. I thought we had sorted it out but now it's as if I'm a ghost in my apartment bc I have another roommate that is best friends with her mostly she doesn't talk to me in her presence. I want to address it bc this behaviour is bizarre to me. I've tried to start a genuine casual conversation and get immediately shut down by a look, or glare, or one word or nothing at all. It doesn't feel good and I feel like I'm tiptoeing around a ticking bomb, and I just want to understand if there's any way I can help the situation bc it is exhausting. And I cannot stop internalizing the hatred she has for me instead of focusing on my clear values of being someone that's compassionate... clearly i need some boundaries of my own.
In terms of time together, if both had time available but choose to maybe see each other 1 or 2 times a month, would you consider a relationship objectifying, even if consensual?
self-trust challenge Day15
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Woman ….. you are DANGEROUS!!!!😩😩😩
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