In Tanzania, it is Umoja. Same philosophy I think. That's what got that country to unite 120+ different tribes under one banner without the infighting we saw amongst their neighbors over the years. BTW, Mark Shuttleworth got the inspiration from that word and named the most popular (elegant, and beautiful for us nerds) linux distro in the world Ubuntu too.
I love Ubuntu philosophy. I follow the One Small Town movement founded by Michael tellinger. There is an amazing Ubuntu town forming in Lebanon, another in South Africa, and many more are getting started. I can't wait to live in one❤
I absolutely love the reframing of "I spent 8 hours managing toxic shame" instead of "I spent 8 hours doing X task that feels like it should have taken much less time" as a way of looking at procrastination
I'm scared of reframing it that way because surely km being too soft on myself?? Everyone else calls it procrastinating so why does it have to be something euphemistically cute for me? I keep not looking after myself or even eating and showering when it would make my lie so much better if I did
@@EllinIsLividI kind of agree with you, but I think it depends of how you feel with yourself. If you think that you are trash and there is something inherently bad with you for procrastinating, rephrase it might help you to unconsciously understand that is not who you are, it is a behavior that you learned to regulate your emotions. If you understand this, you doesn't hate yourself and you are trying to deconstruct that behavior, I guess it is okay to see tasks and procrastination time as a whole.
@@EllinIsLividself-punishing doesn’t work. Punishing people into behavior - never - works, it’s at best a prison. Compassionate redirection does. If reframing helps it’s a good strategy.
I keep watching these videos over the last couple of days and I have memories coming in then I lose track of what is said then I disocciate then I fall asleep. I'm seeing all the sleeping I've been doing as a good thing.
@@zannapics I briefly attended a mindfulness meditation supervision group run by the mental health team's mindfulness 'guru'. That wasn't his title it just sums him up quite well I think! I mentioned how I fall asleep during mindfulness meditation and he said it could be because I'm disocciating due to trauma! This was quite a shocking revelation to me. I didn't think of myself in that way back then. I was still a functioning person. It all caught up with me eventually! Thanks for your response. That makes sense too. But also, using your brain uses up energy. So accessing memories that might stir the emotions can be energy sapping too I guess!
They aren't free. I had this video start with 2 ads, then 5 ads through out the video. Now if you pay for RUclips you don't get the interrupting ads. So either way that ad and subscription revenue pays the creator of the content. That's why people do this content.
I agree as well! I haven't even made it half way through the video before I was so overwhelmed with emotions of relief and validation. It was like you gave my brain and my heart a big hug 🧸 ❤️ ! Thank you for taking the time and dedication to understand this complex disorder; it has helped me greatly! 🌞🌈
I was in such a toxic shame state right before I got the notification about this new video. I was saying things like, “I’m worthless. I’m broken. I shouldn’t be here.” I remembered that when I was around 5 years old, I said to myself, “I wish I was never born”. All 10 of these resonated with me on some level or another. I’m in my 50s and don’t really have an idea of who I am. I’ve always had to rely on others to validate me. I’m working on healing and hope that I will feel some kind of peace or contentment before I’m no longer on this planet. Thank you for another great video, Heidi.
Same here. Same state before the notification. Same age. Same place in life. I was determined to mimic ‘normal’ people and became a successful ‘achiever’. I built an amazing external framework for every validation need. Multiple redundancies. My entire identity was wrapped up in that. As long as I could keep moving, I could keep a trail of trauma boulders in my rear view. When the world went into lockdown, 50 years of unresolved issues rained down with zero external validation to prop me up. Now, I’m beaten down and sitting in this disgusting swamp of shame. It’s sooooo unpleasant! Heidi’s perspective gives me hope I’ll eventually slog my way through the layers of muck and get to meet my real self on the other side. Looking forward to seeing you there too!
As someone who has a long Journey as well, I want to Tell you, that you will find Peace and contentment. I believe in that. And it's also statistically the Most likely outcome, when you keep working on it. Also, you are in your 40s. It's been like 30 years at most since trauma was really beginning to be understood. So don't be ashamed of being Born so early in History. But you're welcome to be grateful to Heidi and also to yourself for the work you're doing or even Just trying to do. Edit: also when it comes to "who am I", a therapist on RUclips once said "Who do you want to be? That's where I would start." It's hard to internalise, but so worth it once you do.
@@IsSheRebeccaRyan "The Swamp of Shame". That is a great way to put it, my Internet stranger-friend. So you were there, too, when I wrote that? It sucks that we are both there but the fact that I was not completely alone gives me some hope when I couldn't find any. I numbed myself when I was a teenager, withdrew, as I just couldn't process what was happening. I had learned earlier in life, unconsciously, that I couldn't completely trust my parents...well, parent after my father left. No one to ask for help although I would not have been able to put into words what I was experiencing..."I'm fine" would have said. Heidi was one of the first RUclipsrs that I came across almost 2 years ago when I was searching using keywords like CTPSD, attachment styles, childhood trauma, and so on. I also hope that, with the resources we have such as Heidi (and my own work with a therapist), I will find my authentic self on the other side. And, perhaps, we will run into each other. P.S. - Does your username have your real name in it? Don't reply here if you don't want to! 🙂
@@Kestas_X Thank you for your reply. It's hard and painful work...but I can't let myself give up and slide back into just "existing" so I do my best to keep on keeping on, despite the times when I'm in that "Black Pit" of depair, trying to claw my way out. By the way, I'm in my 50s and, with professional help, I can remember experiencing shame and neglect as early as 4 year old. It may have started earlier than that but I just can't remember that far back. Thank you again.
I am 70. I have been on treatment for 3.5 years. My mom is a Covert Narcissist. I didn't realize that until I was 64. 😢. I am healing now. I have blocked her from life. That is hard, but my life is so much better. In addition, I had to go NC with my half-siblings also. I do miss my 1/2 sister. I tried to make-up with her. DEAR MOM HAS HER MIND SCRAMBLED. I figured out IMHO that she has DELUSIONAL THINKING with the sub-group against a particular person. (ME) I finally realized that there is NOTHING TO DO TO HELP HER. 😢. The stories she has against ME are pretty delusional. HER ideas are not logical. For example: The neighbors are moving out because I have been telling lies about her. I don't know her neighbors, I have never talked to them. Anything that might be her problem because of her delusions, or just because they are buying other properties to advance in their housing situation. Many were college students who have graduated in the last 4 years. Me? I am getting better and better mentally. I do find that I am triggered more and more. I am learning what to do to help myself. 😊😮. Sending good vibrations to you!
I work with a friend of mine who gave me a job that requires brain power and not so many physical repetitive tasks. I've been there for a year. I still struggle with tasks that I was trained on from the beginning. This paired with my childhood/background with cptsd makes this job a nightmare. My friend thinks it's ADHD. It's not. My body is naturally healing right now. I'm going through hell. I do therapy and maybe I'll get some more help. Like the video said this isn't authentically me but a layer or something externally there apart from your soul. We didn't consciously do it to ourselves.
3:41 1. The neurotic behaviours and emotional regulation strategies you adopted are not character defects but trauma responses 6:13 2. You cannot concentrate when you are dysregulated (so healing will make you smarter) 8:58 3. People need most support when they are struggling (so when you make a mistake reach out for support) 12:26 4. It is normal to not know things that you have not been taught, or you were taught while dissociated (ask) 15:52 5. You need to figure out who you are, what your wants, interests and passions are. Get to know yourself! 17:47 6. Your triggers are not you core authentic self. There is the mask, a layer of trauma triggers etc., and then the real self 20:36 7. When you procrastinate you are often responding to overwhelming feelings, esp. toxic shame. Taxes... 24:34 8. Other people are taking cues from you as to how to interact with you, so if you are not showing certain things (like sadness) other people cannot respond to it. 28:38 9. Good people can do bad things. How well we learn to correct that behaviour is in proportion to how much love and guidance we receive. 32:06 10. As adults we have more agency and have options other than to dissociate, but to actually change our circumstances to change our emotional state.
24:04 “If you live with chronic triggers, you have less hours in the day than the average person” 😭😭 this made me cry immediately. I’m perpetually in a state of catching up on things I’m behind on. 😭😢
I did EMDR for 7 hours the other day. The results were interesting. The day of I was exhausted after the therapy session. The next day the world was crazy quiet and still. There was no story anymore around the triggers in front of me. Like a tree was just a tree. The next three days I was easily annoyed. I would say that the next level of triggers were going off. And the schematic that I had lived my life from the last 45 years I've been rearranged, and that was distressful in the new but refreshing way. Things a week out are now settling. And walking around the grocery store I feel taller, clearer, more interactive with the other customers, with no story bogging me down. I don't have to try to feel better, or self talk to feel better. I am just freed up. I feel like I've gotten my youthful, quiet innocence back! I certainly think another 7 hour session is in order. I say all this because I would like others to know that triggers can be removed and you can get your life back. I've also noticed that managing all those triggers all the time was exhausting and also caused me not to be able to focus in life.
3:42 1st lesson 6:13 2nd lesson 8:59 3rd lesson 12:26 4th lesson 15:53 5th lesson 17:48 6th lesson 20:37 7th lesson 24:34 8th lesson 28:39 9th lesson 32:06 10th lesson All these were EYE OPENING! I always felt stupid for not being as productive as my peers at work but no, I'm not stupid, I'm just chronically stressed and dealing with my triggers and that's why I can't focus as easy as them and therefore make more mistakes. Again, all these were soooo important, thank you so much! I feel better with myself lol
Nr.5 makes me overwhelmingly sad. In my mind, to be safe, I must: 1. assume what I'm supposed to be knowing, without anyone telling me or god forbid without me asking, 2. teach it to myself and not bother anyone with my existence, 3. become expert at it overnight and never ever make even the tiniest mistake, or I'm in trouble. I just can't live like this anymore, it's exhausting 😢
The book "The talent code" by Daniel Coyle, says that one of the best things that you can do to learn better is to make a mistake, i used to think the same way that you express, but that book open my mind and the way that it explains the way we learn in relationship to the brain it makes so much sense, i love that book, hopefully it helps you too. I'm still in the process and say to myself as much as i can that making mistakes is good, but i prefer the word "accidents", because i have a better relationship with that word than with the word "mistake" :)
You're just like me; even though I've started my healing and notice improvements I still feel like I should get better in silence, and that it's somehow embarrassing, shameful and forbidden to talk about your journey. Perhaps that's my inner child still being afraid of being seen at all, even if I'm doing something good.
Same here same there’s so much dysfunction in my family and I’m still trying to unravel a 50 but I’m basically driving while listening to this sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna end my life by being negligent not always I’m very careful but I’m tired
I recently started watching Foundation, and this quote caught my attention: "...when people are afraid to do their job right, they’re certain to do it wrong. That’s poor stewardship." Your comments about doubling down on self criticism when we make a mistake due to a high cost of mistakes in childhood, makes so much sense. Being "taught" that prioritizing "don't get things wrong" over "get things right" truly was poor stewardship.
I remember at twenty eight I had a very skilled therapist tell me that I was amazingly hard to read. He said he had no idea what I was thinking or feeling. He had never worked with someone who was so unreadable. No wonder I spent most of my life feeling invisible in a group.
My therapist throws me off a lot because after I have said something, he will give me a talk similar to some things Heidi says recontextualizing my thought patterns, suggesting why I might have done something, and then suggesting a course of action (like a therapy goal or a journal to do). I will be nodding along, thinking what he is saying makes perfect sense and connects thoughts I was having in a way that is helpful and constructive, and that the thing he suggested sounds helpful and like something I want to do. And then he will often just kind of hesitantly say something like, how does that sound? And he should ask me that, but after a while he let me know that from his perspective, where I think of myself as agreeing and engaging enthusiastically (if quietly because I am often a little emotionally spent at that point), to him it looks like I am just kind of staring at him, nodding to signal comprehension. I do know I consciously do this in a lot of areas, and in others I consciously put emotions on my face. But I didn’t realize it was so hard to unconsciously signal how I’m feeling when I’m not actively trying to stifle it.
12:40 Maybe that's why once I started healing I realized there's a lot of things in life that I've learned on an intellectual level but had never made an emotional connection with. It is only once that emotional connection is made that I'm able to truly integrate what I had learned, even if its decades later.
I’ve spent over 10 years seeing therapists and psychologists and never have I understood my cptsd as well as I do now, thanks to the clarity and precise information you provide. Both my brain and my soul thank you so very much.
❤ 100% this is me. I deeply resonate with all ten. Failed relationships, hard to focus & concentrate, freeze state - u can't move or think u r just scared shitless & trying to fugure out why I am like this, always thought I should know the answers, such horrible negative self - talk, doing things I KNOW BETTER than to do . . But still did it. It all makes sense now. First 7 yrs of my life where extremely TRAUMATIC. 3 months old my biological Dad was jealous (according to Mom) he would take a bat and hit the couch I was sleeping on just to startle and wake me up. That alone would more than do it, imo. According to my family he was a narcissistic punk who got in a lot of trouble. My Mom just wanted someone to love (grew up in alcoholic environment) and he just made her MISERABLE. She even attempted suicide while carrying me. I have NEVER MET, SPOKEN TO OR HAVE A PHOTO, NO OTHER FAMILY. Mom told me it was up to me if I wanted to contact him, but he will make your life hell. My junior year he called thinking I would be graduating but I did 2nd grade twice not for being held back either I told my grandparents that's the grade I was in. I am 57 yrs young now and wowzers what a ride it's been with all the obstacles and trying to figure out what's wrong with me . . THIS IS MY SAVING GRACE BCUZ EVEN TO THIS DAY I STILL FUNCTION FROM TRAUMATIC RESPONSE AND IT DEEPLY AFFECTS MY RELATIONSHIPS. I THOUGHT IT WAS THEM, NOT ME. COMPROMISE lol. I certainly hope & pray this video and word of mouth get this out there bcuz I JUST KNOW HUMANITY NEEDS THIS INVALUABLE INFORMATION. I NEVER DID MEET MY BIO DAD, BUT I THINK KEEPING TOXIC PPL OUT OF MY LIFE IS VITAL AND KEY TO MY HAPPINESS. THE LAST THING IS I BELIEVE MY GRANDSON WHO JUST TURNED 10 WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED ADHD . . . AFTER WARCHING THIS VIDEO 100% CPTSD. FOSTER CARE AT ABOUT 3 MO. OLD AND SEPERATED FROM HIS TWO OLDER SISTERS. HIS DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC NEVER PHYSICALLY HURT THE CHILDREN & LOVES THEM DEEPLY. UNFORTUNATELY, IN 2020 ABOUT 6 MONTHS APART THE CHILDREN LOST THEIR GPA & THEIR DAD TO DRUG OVERDOSE. TRAUMA IS REAL AND OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BODY/MIND/SOUL. PRAYERS FOR ALL OF US AS WE MOVE OUT OF CONTROL, GREED & POWER ERA INTO LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY. UNITE AS ONE, DO NOT ALLOW SEPERATION TACTICS TO USE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. GODSPEED BLESSINGS
Exactly, 30+ years of therapy. I was identifying as having a bipolar disorder. I was given this label as a teen and it was never challenged by my many medical providers.
Jesus Christ, Heidi. You have got to be the best communicator on these topics in the world. Your breakdown and your delivery are like watching a psychic symphony orchestra draw a mental/emotional/dynamic map of my childhood 😄. I click on your videos for the title but I end up enjoying watching a virtuosa at work. Amazing. The dots you help me connect and reconnect on a regular basis are extremely valuable. If/when you start offering 1-on-1 coaching, I want to know about it.
I was thinking the same. Some people have a LOT of knowledge on a subject. Some people are good communicators. Heidi is strong in both knowledge and communicating.
3:41 - 1. Trauma Responses are not character defects 6:13 - 2. Dysregulation disrupts concentration 8:58 - 3. People need support the most when they're struggling the most 12:27 - 4. It is normal to not know things 15:52 - 5. Align your life to your wants, needs and passions 17:47 - 6. Your triggers are not your core authentic self 20:37 - 7. Procrastination is often you taking time to deal with overwhelming feelings 24:34 - 8. People may bet the wrong cues from you 28:38 - 9. Good people do bad things 32:06 - 10. Hope often comes from a change in circumstance ---- Titles are mine, did what I could to summarize Edit: Lol, as I was writing this someone else did exactly the same thing. Oh well.
I am stunned. I have never heard anything this compassionate, informative and life-changing in almost 30 years of therapy and recovery from addiction. I will listening over and over. Brava for your work and dedication in this area.
I really feel like compassion is the missing element in the majority of therapy given today. So many times they made me feel as if it was a character flaw when I behaved in certain ways that they see as "bad".
@@shadylady1503Sad that counselors are so poorly trained and perhaps overwhelmed with their work to the point that they fail to keep learning. Because then they are just ineffective and not really helping. And then relying on medication to do most of the work, when it definitely does not.
My parents shamed and ostracized me for my neuroses their chaos abuse and neglect caused. My whole life they e treated me like a broken messed up person who chooses it.
I also grew up with toxic family dynamic. I'm now 52 years old and reminding myself "it's not your fault," over and again, to help me release projections of someone else's dysfunction and self-loathing. I journal and seek internal Guidance from the well-spring of loving, supportive and nurturing inner divinity (that we can all tap into if we allow ourselves this connection). It helps me process, release and then write down affirmations that are positive to replace the ones that were instilled inside me by non-loving, shaming personas outside of me. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this journey of self-love and forgiveness. As we heal ourselves, we help to heal our world. ❤
Heidi your content is high quality and authentic. Some of the channels that I used to follow earlier such as crappy childhood fairy and Jerry wise relationship systems, bought their membership and services too, have become very RUclips algorithm focused and a bit gimmicky now. Please don’t lose your authenticity!
I mean this with everything in me. This video, has brought me to my knees! However, I feel like I can soar! I thought I had ADD or ADHD or I was autistic something! I’m 42 years old and I’ve been on my healing journey for the past few years. This blew it wide open! There it is! It’s me! To a T!!!!! Thank you! My life will never be the same! I’m breaking FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not defined by my trauma; my responses are not character flaws but survival strategies. Healing brings clarity and strength, helping me to concentrate and grow smarter. When I struggle, I deserve support, and it’s okay to ask for help. I embrace my journey of self-discovery, recognizing that my true self lies beyond my triggers. I release toxic shame and respond to overwhelm with kindness. I allow others to see my authentic emotions so that I can receive the care I need. I understand that good people can make mistakes, and I choose to learn, grow, and correct my behaviour with love and guidance. As an adult, I have the power to change my circumstances, not just my emotional state. I am in control of my journey"
I'm trying I didn't even know I wasn't in control until just recently and now I'm trying to figure everything out as a middle aged man 😂 well I'm probably past middle age but I never expected to still be around at 30 let alone 46 but I don't even want to be around at 92. I have always found myself in relationships where I was doing everything to try to make sure they stayed and strangely every serious relationship I was ever in died in it's 8th year no matter how hard I tried to make them happy I guess I was just pushing them away but it has been really hard on me especially since I had children with 2 of them who basically had to get away from me shortly after the kids were born I don't even know my oldest son at all because we were in college and we were both from different places so when she was pregnant she had returned to her hometown in the midwest and I ended up coming back to my hometown here on the east coast and we haven't internet back then but it wants anything like it is now so I only ever saw a few pictures of him and I didn't realize how much it had a bothering me over the place but when I was cut off from the security only I stopped because able to be around for the holidays I was with him for a few years so it was even more difficult for me than not knowing the other one but when it had the 3rd time I had married her and everything thinking it would help keep it from happening but it ended up going almost exactly the same she had already had 2 kids and was pregnant when I met her and I guess she was just looking for security or something I don't think I was capable of loving anyone by that time I was just doing everything I could to try not to feel the loss I had been feeling and it worked I guess I wasn't as depressed as I had been for a while but I think I was drawn to people who had like the opposite of me I would cling to anyone who paid attention to me for a second even when they stopped for a long time my most recent ex has a son who was 6 or 7 when we got together and I was very hesitant on meeting him and I don't think I would have if she hadn't convinced me that she was exactly like me but she has been in therapy our entire relationship so maybe she just got better IDK but after I had told her how much damage losing my children had caused me which I had never told anyone before her but with her I finally felt like I didn't have to hide so when she asked for no contact I was devastated because I know she knows how much I love them both, it's the reason I didn't fight her to stsy she had a breakdown last spring and she said she needed her own place so she wouldn't process without me constantly trying to fix everything so I helped her get her own place and then after a few months of us just spending time together when she wanted me there she sent me a text message asking me for no contact and I haven't seen or heard from her since, I was still texting with her son until about 3 months ago when he stopped replying so I decided to call her because she had never changed her address and I was still getting all of their mail and most of it was stuff they wouldn't forward and I just wanted to know what she wanted me to do with it well I don't know when but she had changed her# and apparently she had changed his as well because they were both disconnected so I finally dug up her adult daughter's phone# and she said she would let me know but then she never got back to me so I tried to reach out to her again and her# was no longer in service either so it's just sitting here I know where she lives but I never wanted her to feel like she had to run away from me since that has always been what happened I thought this time I won't chase her and I guess I was hoping that it would make a difference but it hasn't yet, and I think I have finally figured out that I need to stop needing someone to need me to feel like I have any reason to live, I could understand if I had ever even raised my voice to any of them but because of the way it affected me I was so completely against it that I still can't understand how people who grew up like that can be exactly the same it seems so foreign to me, I had always assumed that most people who had crappy childhoods were doing everything they could to make sure they were doing it right but the more I learn the more I can understand that sometimes we don't even know we are doing anything wrong and sometimes we can't stop ourselves from doing those things. I don't want I will ever date again but if I ever do I'm gonna have to get a lot better at controlling my urge to make everything perfect because it's not my responsibility or my fault if they are unable to accept my love and I shouldn't ever feel like I am the only person who wants to be in the relationship which has been about 80% of all my relationships I always feel like they stay with me hoping something better comes along and then they get tired of waiting for it and leave and in the case of my wife they just take off with someone they met online and then when it doesn't work they come back only to do it again a year later I told myself after her I wasted going to ever let my walls down again and here I am again a decade later examined where I was back then wondering why and wishing I could stop the hurting 😢 another hard lesson I should have learned the first time or the second or 3rd but instead I'm finally figuring it out the 4th time and it's probably too late to help me but I have to hope that I can either validate my own existence or start being ok with it.
Please make a "part 2" of this video, or better yet, an ongoing series. Even as someone who is very conscious of my c-ptsd symptoms and working through healing/recovery, I had no idea how much of this I needed to hear. Some of it hit very hard and very deeply. Ugh. I have so much to work on... Please keep going.
Don’t forget to work on your nervous system too. Trauma gets stored in your body so talk therapy will only take you so far! What I realized at almost 2 years. Lots of free info/nervous system regulation videos on RUclips! Look up somatic experiencing
My experience is that there's no complete healing without Psil0cyb!n trips (maybe there's other psychedelics that could compare but I haven't tried them). Heidi is so good, that a lot of what she talks about are things I've had breakthroughs with on trips!!
@@alisiademi I wish psybin worked for me. I had high hopes, but it only made things worse. I felt >more< isolated and separated from the world, and convinced that 5u!c!d3 was my only option. After a few trips I had to give up on it. I feel like I'm getting better results from |V| D |V| 4 though.
This is the second recommendation to Tim Fletcher. He has whole series about understanding complex trauma, healing and development of the wounded inner child and you as a person that tries to normalize your life. The second part is christianity. But from the perspective of complex trauma. I'm actually against religion, but this is the only way I can digest the Holy Bible. I'm watching Tim Fletcher almost daily when I'm making dinner, or even more often. Sometimes watching Tim Fletcher can be confrontational or even triggering, but in the best possible healing way. I now know how far I came and with what I am still struggling with. And that complex trauma takes a lifetime and commitment to yourself to deal with it on your own. Good luck with your healing journey.
I got there realizing they did the best they could with the tools they had as well. We forget our parents likely had some trauma as well, and that affects how they parent.
“”When you live with chronic triggers - you do have less hours in a day” - Bravo!! Probably - the best explanation of procrastination I’ve heard so far, and I’ve heard a good few dozens of them!! The world is lucky to have you working through your own traumas and telling people about your journey! I admire of how you make a lemonade of lemons! Just wow! Thank you for sharing. Right now I’m struggling with the job search and it makes so much sense every word you’re saying about the triggers. Whenever I find the job - you’ll be the second one, after Ukrainian army I donate to! Thank you!❤️❤️❤️
Totally I used to spend hours making a resume, sending it. I never learned how to use the computer program necessary to format it, nor was I a fast typer. I was too ashamed to ask for help.
Ooo thank you! I’m a young adult and I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I was never taught. I am now struggling to learn how to be a capable functioning adult through trial and error without support.
... But you do have support! This video is a good example of the kind of precise support you're receiving... Pay attention and you'll start noticing it's everywhere... Always! May the love that you are be revealed; may all the veils be lifted for you 🤗♥️🙏
To see this as a young adult is a big head start. Print it out (either the summaries people have placed in the replies or the whole transcript) and keep it with you. If you go to a counselor for support, make sure they understand these are the things you need help with. Otherwise they might assume things and waste your time. Good luck! I hope this woman writes a book about how to take these 10 steps she outlines further. But certainly catching oneself doing these things and slowing down to give compassion to ourselves would be a big step.
I spent the day playing a video game because it allowed my brain to regulate. When I was done, I cleaned my whole bathroom- a task I’d been procrastinating on for a while.
@ 9:56 "...so your brain becomes an inhibition machine..." Oh, yes it does!, on so many deep levels! Thank you Heidi, this is so well thought out and expressed. ANOTHER ONE to pore over many times.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) mushies has been shown to reduce symptoms of PTSD, especially in patients who have not found other treatments effective.
Right at this moment I’m on my third day procrastinating buying a plane ticket for a funeral. Needed to hear this. “Your brain becomes an inhibition machine much more than a learning exploring machine.” Well, that’s for sure.
Can you do it one step at a time? So start by just getting your bank card out for the transaction and leave it there for a moment, then bring up the web page and go and make some tea, etc. I find it helps me to break the spiral. Just one step and lots of positive self talk along the way. Sending love and I’m also sorry for your loss ♥️
Yeah, putting in effort to do something that is basically going to touch on old trauma and maybe even add some...no wonder you're holding back on that.
Damn... Pretty much every single point in this video is a perfect description of me. What I do take some comfort in is that I recognise these points more strongly in my past self than in my current self, I think this does help me see that I have made quite a bit of progress
You just described Gen X. Our teachers and parents expected us to know things before we were taught them or just shown them once. We were whipped, switched, taken to help fire and brimstone sermons, whipped for not being still as toddlers at church, or ignored. And yes we had lead fittings on the hose pipe, too.
I am so sad to hear that church people treated you like this. Faith in JESUS is what has rescued me, and He is not into child abuse !!! If it helps to know, I was molested by a pseudo-"religious" man, and true faith is the complete opposite.
Also, never told 'sorry', never listened to, divorce rate skyrocketed, Church was abandoned, parents dating creeps... I did everything different with my daughter. She is so loved.❤ May God bless you and keep you, heal you, and shower you with love. Boomers don't want to acknowledge this stuff because often they were the older, abusive siblings.❤
Heidi, Thank you so much. You have just now taught me that it's not a character flaw. I am totally addicted to self improvement as the scapegoat of the family. Thank you for your hard work and exceptional channel.
For me - a neglected and abandoned childhood - I would do one of two things when upset - I would drown my sorrows with sugar or I would declutter, clean and rearrange and organize obsessively. However, and this is not to negate or minimize anyone's experience - when I changed the food I ate, I changed. I'm not sure how I did it, but it happened. I had lived in a fearful and negative state all my life, yet when I removed sugar and processed food, got rid of flour, soy and seed oils I changed. About two weeks into this new way of eating I awoke, for maybe the first time ever, with a neutral mindset. No complaints, no whining, no physical pain, and nothing upset me. Boredom left. Anger left. It was the weirdest thing, but welcoming. Everything still happened to me, but I wasn't bothered about it anymore. I experienced a complete shift in my mood, my attitude, and my health. March will be ten years on this way of eating and I will continue forever. I'm not sure on how or why this happened, but it did and I now experience happiness and peace. All my best to you all.
16:00 "You have to get to know yourself and figure out your unique wants, interests, and passions are and then align your life with those things." How do I do this? The more I dig into who I am and what my interests are they're all coping mechanisms, like 100% of what I do and why can be summed up into reducing the amount of energy I have to expend and only recently (thanks to your videos and therapy) have I realized that my "lack of energy" has just been me shame spiraling constantly. I can count on one hand the number of times I have genuinely liked something in my life and it wasn't for the reason to remove discomfort elsewhere. I'm not even sure where to begin attempting to get to know myself and I'm not sure what's a mask and what is myself at this point.
It's okay not to have all the answers right away. I believe in learning by doing. Just yesterday I read that we should think and analyze less. We should do and experience new things and the true self will emerge naturally over time.
I found it helpful to enlist the body - e.g. try stuff and see if the heart reacts positively, does it make my heart leap in a good way? or give me energy? (embodiment is living as a whole mind-body-self, but it's easy to shut of body signals along with feelings)
There's a brilliant book titled "Who You Were Meant To Be" by Lindsay Gibson that tackles this exact question! It has been hugely helpful to me on this journey. She has some exercises to find clues that point to what that numbed-out sense of your "true self" really wants. One I enjoyed was going through life, noticing and writing down whenever you feel a little backseat-driver impulse, where you watch someone and think "oh, I wouldn't do it like that!" and end up imagining yourself in that task. She gives an example of a man who, whenever he watched TV, would imagine how he would perform the role differently than the lead actor on screen. Of course he had no experience, it wasn't his ego talking, but that playful inner child who sees a game that looks fun. It's important to note that the book isn't about abandoning your real life and becoming a struggling actor/singer/whatever. But about discovering and feeding the starving parts of your true self. I think the man in the example ended up joining a community theatre and that was plenty for him, he found joy in a new hobby. Basically start by noticing what gets your imagination going - even if it looks at first glance to be jealousy or an inflated ego. No single thing is THE ANSWER, but if you start making a list, you'll see patterns to explore.
I love how you said we have less time in the day, I've always felt that way but couldn't understand why, and now I fully get it. I also was always masking that I was fine and upbeat and minimizing my problems because "other people have it worse" was how I rationalized it.
Where were you 30 years ago when i needed to hear this the most. Compound compllex ptsd gets so little attention - prob because soo few practitioners want to take those clients on. This has forced too many people to become their own counsellor when young. Thankyoou for coming to YT
When you said " it's not the true quality of the soul" just made me cry. My dad was a Pentecostal preacher ( I am almost 60 years old) and a violent alcoholic. My mom grew up in a crazy household with a( mentally )sick mom herself. My spirituality is everything.
"You do have less hours in the day than the average person. In the sense of, you have less time in the day when you are regulated and therefore able to effectively deal with the tasks in front of you." This was so validating. Thank you so much!
same here!! for much of my childhood I really struggled to process and remember what other people were saying to me, and I wondered if it was due to some sort of hearing or memory issues, but given that I also spent so much of my childhood dissociating, the dissociation could explain my struggles in this area just as easily if not more so.
@@EllinIsLividHonestly cptsd shares so many things with so many disorders. I looked up autism and only thing I didn't have was stimming. At least I don't think so, lol.
I identified as having ADHD for much of my teenage years (I was a textbook case, I checked every box, and my psychiatrist agreed) and was later diagnosed with autism as well, and for much of that time I believed all my symptoms (difficulty focusing, difficulty remembering information, difficulty regulating my emotions, difficulty feeling and identifying my emotions, difficulty making eye contact, difficulty receiving criticism, restlessness, etc etc) were things I was born with, were a fundamental part of who I was, were something I should be proud of as a member of the neurodivergent community. I still deeply appreciate the neurodivergent community for helping to take the shame out of these things for younger me, but the further along I get in my C-PTSD healing journey, the more and more my symptoms are receding, and the more obvious it’s becoming that all these things were much more temporary responses to trauma than they were an unchanging part of me!
this video really reminds me of this - especially the parts about struggling to concentrate and struggling to remember things you learned while dissociating!
For the past 3 weeks I’ve spiraling and isolating myself over all this… some of this things I realized but for the rest you’ve put them into words words. This has been the journey of a lifetime specially for the last 6 months where it hit me that my whole life, childhood and way of being in this world was not normal but was a response to how I’ve been treated. I went for 3 months straight to a psychologist but I stopped since I feel she didn’t fully get the picture (now I realized I have normalized so many things that I didn’t feel like mentioning them hence I was not telling the full truth to her) and I felt I couldn’t trust her (because of how much shame I got going on). I have isolated myself from all the few friends I have and I am facing med school expulsion since I can’t attend my practices being in the state that I am but I don’t know how to ask for help nor to explain myself without “outing” my parents. I am at that point you mentioned last where I truly have no hope anymore. Thanks for this video I feel it will help lots of people ❤
I absolutely love you, your channel, your advice, your wisdom and helping all of us to work through our trauma and help us to overcome our pain, social issues and challenges in life. My therapist never explained it this well. You are the best and should seriously win an award for your work. Keep up the amazing content. We truly appreciate you for creating this channel for the broken ones.
This video is everything to me. I refused to accept my ten minute ADHD diagnosis and responded negatively to every medication. I KNEW there was more. This video describes my experience perfectly. Thank you 🙏
Thanks! I was in therapy for decades, never had so many Ah Ha moments as I have since you started with ‘Self esteem month’ I am amazed how at the age of 47 I am still held captive by my triggers. I get triggered from other humans, failed every exam or job interview so it was impossible to break free completely. But even seeing the light at the end is better than dying in the dark. Your work will not be wasted, I will internalize the healing massages and save myself somehow. Be well and safe from hurt and harm.
She descrbed me in a ut shell..the struggles the procrastination the day dreaming..the guilt..lack of social skills...the deregulation....good God...i needed to hear this...should have heard it 40 years ago.
"Why I am so different, bad, and flawed, unlike everybody else." You hit the nail ON THE HEAD. Outside of my father, I really don't have any family members who like me (well, beyond my hubby and kids). My extended family dislikes me and won't talk to me. I don't get invites to weddings, or Christmas cards, and I've been shamed BY them much of my childhood. Always told what was wrong with me, never encouraged or told any kind things. So I grew up believing I was unlikable. Yes, I get this 100%!!!!
I am 64 years old and you have just described my life without me knowing what was wrong with me. I literally could not understand what was wrong with me now I have some insight thank you. I will pursue this.
Wow, the whole "dissociating while you were learning so you didn't learn" thing and its associated "I'm messed up in a way other people aren't" concept is so unreal to hear put to words! Some days I won't click on Heidi's new video as it comes out (sometimes for weeks) because I feel entirely unable to truly hear the lessons put out in the videos and to allow them to have the impact that such fundamental, amazingly articulated ideas could. I've tried to press play and really focus as much as I can, but ultimately I turn out to be right when that feeling of "I can/can't learn right now" comes up. I really haven't understood what was going on there, only able to categorize the side of me that's able to get something from content like Heidi's as "better" and the side of me that isn't as "worse". My work on that has grown more towards better being able to recognize those states and act from them (in the academic side of my life - just not bothering to show up to school on days I know I'm not learning anything today anyways vs not allowing the shame to prevent me from continuing to show up on the days I can). I did not expect a Heidi video to help me better understand where the behavior that sometimes stops me from watching her videos comes from! Anyways, another masterclass in both content and presentation of that content from Heidi! Cherish every polished, gentle, kind sentence that comes out of this channel. Thank you!
Finally someone who has articulated my childhood and my thought thinking to a T. And why I searched and seeked from outside information and guidance from friends and colleagues rather than from my parents.
Excellent presentation. I was 50 years old when I went through suicidal depression but with some good counseling I was able to deal with childhood trauma. One of the things I missed was healthy emotions. In a group one day, the leader said let's begin by telling something that brought us joy this morning. My immediate thought was, "I don't know what joy is."
I did have a "spirit guide" in my youth. It once said, "Often, you are hard on yourself. Try instead to see only the lesson and not a definitive statement of your worth." It blew my mind then. Now, Ms. Priebe says something similar. Her encouragement helps. When I feel vulnerable, I have learned to ask for patience, kindness, and encouragement-- not just from others, but also from myself.
I always knew my behavior had to do with the trauma I went through in my childhood and through my teenage years. But, it was embarrassing to share with people fearing being insulted, criticized as being weak and a baby for not being able to develop naturally into manhood. Now, I know I wasn’t wrong and I’m going g to follow any advice you have to get better as much as I possibly can. I am 54 years old and I’m tired of the hurting. I need and desire my life to be better. Thank you. God bless us all.
I was diagnosed with adhd at 21, and have a a couple years ago started to suspect my symptoms are actually from my childhood trauma. You described so well my struggles, I felt so seen and validated, almost cried with relief. I used to feel incompetent, lazy and whenever I tried to convey what was happening I was just told that I wasn't interested. So I also started to mask. This video was so reassuring. I've also noticed how my attention has been improving greatly since working towards healing. As many of your other videos, I felt like one more layer falling off, if that makes sense. And it felt like healing! Thank you so much, Heidi ❤
I learned that people were crazy and dangerous after moving to a small town in Utah. Every day I was attacked, bullied, harassed, beaten, and nearly killed over and over again for 5 years (5th - 10th grade). I never did anything to anybody except occasionally fight back when I had to. I'm nearing 50 now, but I still isolate and put on a cold, mean face to deter the chimp-minded masses looking to hurt anyone they think is vulnerable or more talented than themselves in any way. Isolation sucks, but in general it beats dealing with monsters. I've had mixed experiences since that time and would like to be able to let go and learn how to meet sane, kind, and stable humans. I know they exist, but have no idea where to find them.
I have found the kind people in the hobbies and interests I have - crafts, studies. My guard is up so high these days, but I have a very, very small quality group of people who I care deeply about and who care about me. There are good people. I promise, and I understand why you protect yourself so fiercely. You’re worth protecting ♥️
@@GyatRizzler69-of3wl You must be new round here! Welcome to the open forum of the internet. The lovely thing about it is that we can all share and connect in a bid to relate, or for growth and development. I do hope you find it useful ♥️
After a lifetime of struggle I'm starting to actually feel like the weight is lifting. Thank you so much for sharing your gift of understanding and healing. Wishing you love and blessings in abundance.
Beautiful, insightful soul. You can tell she has thought extensively about her delivery. It's not just the information she knows as a professional. It's the way its delivered directly to us that struggle with this. Thank You, Heidi! I needed to hear all 10 of these in exactly the way you said it!
So sick and tired of all friends trying to convince me that I just have to love my self. They don’t understand how impossible it is. And eventually the get tired of me and the friendship ends.
You're right, it's impossible to just pull a switch and love yourself! Instead, try to be kind to yourself. Try to treat yourself with respect! Even when you made a mistake. Especially when you made a mistake! I'm sure you feel compassion for other people. You are allowed to show the same compassion towards yourself! Really ✨
It’s always been incredibly weird for me to hear that from “friends.” What makes you think I don’t love myself? There are things I want to get better at, that’s pretty damn loving in my opinion to want to sharpen certain skills. To release shame that I developed about certain aspects of my life and take accountability for my behavior in all areas. How exactly do you see me, because the way you’re talking to me makes me feel like YOU don’t love me and you’re projecting that justification on blaming me.
If you don't understand their "shoulds", let go of that. I always have had trouble with that one myself, but eventually came to understand that what is important is compassion. It's like the bridge that connects spirit to emotional healing. Self compassion is the highest form of self love and compassion is something I am good at without realizing that I deprive myself as I was deprived. This was my lesson this week after I listened to a man describe what he has been going through. I wanted to hug him. Awhile later I realized that he had described my life. He was a mirror. But I don't show myself the compassion I felt so strongly for him. He was trying so hard to get better. And yes that's what I do. So now I know what self love looks like. Words of encouragement, appreciation, admiration, and help, patience, even closing your eyes and giving yourself that hug you needed so long ago. And recognizing when oft repeated self expectations are not in your best interests. CPTSD is being connected with CFS, chronic pain, and Fibromyalgia, self expectations that harm us. I always thought my self expectations were admirable. No. knowing who we are is admirable and comforting too.
6:08 this is the most difficult for me to process because my family has manipulated things to make me appear like the unstable one. I can't for the life of me understand how anyone could treat someone that way after what they put me through. Every day is a struggle and they continue to victim blame/shame me. I'm readyto start therapy and ready to cut contact for my survival sake and the sake of living a healthy and fulfilled life focused on what I want and deserve, not on others.
I'm an autistic trauma therapist. I love this video. I think it helps to contextualize why people with C-PTSD and autistic people may look very similar, aside from the fact that they are highly comorbid.
This is something I have been trying to figure out for myself actually. I relate to both conditions and am quite sure I have CPTSD, but I also feel I am on the spectrum (based on research I have done over the past year or so) but I can't be too sure ofc...50% of the time I'm sure and 50% of the time I question it. Unfortunately I don't have the resources in my country to seek a diagnosis, so this is the best I got. I'm assuming that once I successfully deal with my CPTSD is when I'll be able to really tell.
I appreciate your comment- i was thinking how it sounds like ASD1 (at least) as well as CPTSD, and it seems pretty rare to grow up with ASD one (I’m highlighting that one because it’s easier to miss than when someone has more challenging features in their autism? But maybe that’s not a valid point…) Anywho- I think it’s rare to grow up with ASD and not have CPTSD. Especially when it goes undiagnosed. And I have been trying to sort out if I have both, as well! Can’t afford the assessment so… this helps. Thank you!
Are you a trauma therapist who is autistic, or do you mean you are a therapist for autistic people who have trauma? I learned about asd and cptsd about 5 years ago, and they both described me to a tee. I couldn't tell which I'd been struggling with all my life, then realized it's both. I call it traumautism.
Thank You so much for this video! =) I grew up sexually abused and a closeted gay male in Catholic Church called evil, not safe bullied like beat up and called f**got at school and really unsafe at home from an alcoholic CEO father. I became a volunteer crisis sexual assault counselor on the phone. Earned a BS (Bachelor of Science in Psychology) working hospitals and burnt out in city nonprofits trying to save the world so i didn't have to deal with myself. I moved to San Francisco and didn't go on one date or even kiss a person at 25. Now through your videos it makes so much more sense. I've been in therapy since childhood with the best psychologists and psychiatrist, but your videos help in ways that I didn't get elsewhere. You are incredibly talented and I think not so much of the formal training allows you to better communicate things even when reading "The Body Keeps The Score" and the CPTSD book you recommended, but absorb it 10x better through you. Life saving videos and can't thank you so much!🤗
I was a horrible father for years. Finally turned that boat around. How do I help my kids now? We hug instead of spank and teach instead of punish. But they spent years with a different reality. So thankful I was able to heal
@turnafraze I wish my father would apologize for the abuse and admit that he himself was really suffering and struggling with his own bullshit and that it wasn't me. He was a hardcore alcoholic when I was growing up, but got sober 10 years ago, and I don't even recognize him anymore. I'm stuck with the memories of my dad from the 1980-90s
@5:33 when she said “I’m gunna say it one more time” I was like 😅oop then she went and said it and like I suspected I started crying like a lil baby…❤thank you Heidi. Truly.
I just discovered you as I venture into healing from sexual abuse and battle with CPTSD. What a godsend you are. I am watching and rewatching all your videos. Already you have allowed me to see so many things in a different light. I just wished I got to your warning “don’t try these without a therapist” as I plunder through the CPTSD Workbook and experienced a weekend of hell of constant flashbacks and night terrors. As a male survivor I felt overlooked and unwelcome from MeToo. I feel very welcome here. Thank you. 🙏
My son is home again, metoo and unfortunately im the trigger cuz retired leo. But 3 yrs now few broken bones bruises yelling etc brealthrough has come and in time he will be himself ready for anything. Persevere is all i can say I love him and you I will help if i can Or go away if i must. Do no harm. So dude ur lucky u found the voice. Im happy for you, your on the road. Now i m on the road. My sons on the road. Self awareness, you first. I did mantras, mahakatha, then religions, then green mile and here we are. Its gona b jyst fine cuz we have knowledge now, knowledge is power. I wish you the best, here if u want to chat. I can let you chat with son if u both agree. Mite help. Anywho, grannie here over and out. #loveNLite Nameste
why am I always in tears less than a minute into all of your videos? After 58 years on this Earth..believing it was always ME while I jumped hurdle after hurdle life threw at me ..jumping like a show horse while dying inside. Thank you Heidi. I've been masking myself my whole life. I'm just now understanding the truth.❤
Another deeply relateable video. Thanks Heidi. When I'm really struggling, I feel like the BIGGEST burden on the people that actually care about me. Then, when I instinctually isolate (to protect them from my negativity and depressed mood), the hope for a better life through the social connections I truly crave withers away. Why does heailing from these deep shame wounds seem so impossible?!
Used to do that, too, for years. Then the crushing weight of pretending made the mask fall off. NGL, the flux of change was not easy to go through and several people known for years could not hang with the fuller expressed me. My quality of life and feeling authentically my self has improved. You will find your tribe(s). And develop self-love because you are (we each are) worthy of realizing our unique potential-- even in this difficult world. Check out a good definition of love in 1 Cor 13:4-7 and give it to yourself. Fill your cup! and document your growth by journaling or similar.
I was able to separate myself from my mother very early on, so I was able to resist her concentrated campaign against my self-esteem. I was able to hold a core inside myself of my sense of self. She was able to affect my self-esteem in some ways, but I was able to resist her methods for the most part. I finally got myself removed from her custody when I was 15. And as a result, I don't have the shame that most psychologists say that C-PTSD sufferer is supposed to feel.
I’ve never had someone explain myself in words. But you just said what I am. I just sent it to my girlfriend to let her know if I could explain myself better this is me. She has pointed this out to me. But what you say is what I wish I could say in words. Thank you. Everything thing you say is me. I guess I deal with childhood trauma. I hope I can heal now. Maybe actually build healthy relationships in my life. Which I’ve never really had. I feel people are stuck just dealing with me and I always felt bad for them loving me. I think you could have just changed my life. I’m 44 and this just open my eyes. I feel for me and anyone that tried to love me. I messed a lot of things up.
I have no words to describe how amazing this info is… if someone like me isn’t sure if CPTSD applies to him/her, these 10 things help to identify the behavior that relates to a history for CPTSD. The manner in which Heidi approaches each of the scenarios is so kind and gentle, that it is not painful to hear each one. Rather it was quite a relief to understand what I truly never knew about myself. “ Thank you” is woefully inadequate here. 🙏
All I can say for now Heidi is thank you, I come from Kenya where most of us can't afford counseling services, so videos like yours are God sent, again thank you.
Learned helplessness is so tough. I appreciate so much how you explained dissociation into a fantasy world which totally evolved into limerance for me. ❤😮
I recently saw the movie, "The Whale" and I related so much when the guys friends nurse would ask him to do something and he would just say "I'm sorry" over and over again. This video explains why that hits home for me when I feel like I literally can't even look at my finances.
Hello again; At 28:25 in this video you say, “…there are social skills you genuinely missed learning…” I feel like I may have also rebelled or had some set back in that arena. I had an experience at a family gathering where all were involved because my father attempted harm most aggressively and right in the middle of the gathering against my mother. Attempting or threatening her life with a gun. Very family publicly. It was a family fourth of July function at his family’s parent’s home. Nothing happened. They stayed together. It was t discussed. I was 5 yo. I developed stomach problems and learning problems and addiction later.. I forgot it until a few years back. It was a huge revolution Thank you for this work and for the content here Allison
HUGE WOW! I know I have complex PTSI. I'm waiting for my turn to come up for financial help. All my paper work has been accepted. And I'm 81 and hope I can get the procedure before I die. Been in therapy since 19...but nothing has described me and my life as perfectly as you just did. OMG! and it has been my spirit guides that have kept me in this body. This information for a young person...i cry that it wasn't me. How different my life would be. Thank you for bringing this to light for all who have suffered.
As a kid, number 8 was actually explained to me. I was told that me being a quiet person made others think that I didn't like them. But I guess the way it was said to me actually made my shame spiraling and selective mutism worse. It was just another thing I was "doing wrong".
That tribe is in South Africa. And that act of the circle is the Ubuntu philosophy. Ubuntu means " I am because we are".
In Tanzania, it is Umoja. Same philosophy I think. That's what got that country to unite 120+ different tribes under one banner without the infighting we saw amongst their neighbors over the years. BTW, Mark Shuttleworth got the inspiration from that word and named the most popular (elegant, and beautiful for us nerds) linux distro in the world Ubuntu too.
@@agentsmidt3209 I am actually in Tanzania. Thank you for adding that.
😊
I love Ubuntu philosophy. I follow the One Small Town movement founded by Michael tellinger. There is an amazing Ubuntu town forming in Lebanon, another in South Africa, and many more are getting started. I can't wait to live in one❤
This warmed my soul man, I want that sense of community
I absolutely love the reframing of "I spent 8 hours managing toxic shame" instead of "I spent 8 hours doing X task that feels like it should have taken much less time" as a way of looking at procrastination
I'm scared of reframing it that way because surely km being too soft on myself?? Everyone else calls it procrastinating so why does it have to be something euphemistically cute for me? I keep not looking after myself or even eating and showering when it would make my lie so much better if I did
@@EllinIsLividI kind of agree with you, but I think it depends of how you feel with yourself.
If you think that you are trash and there is something inherently bad with you for procrastinating, rephrase it might help you to unconsciously understand that is not who you are, it is a behavior that you learned to regulate your emotions.
If you understand this, you doesn't hate yourself and you are trying to deconstruct that behavior, I guess it is okay to see tasks and procrastination time as a whole.
@@EllinIsLividself-punishing doesn’t work. Punishing people into behavior - never - works, it’s at best a prison. Compassionate redirection does. If reframing helps it’s a good strategy.
@@justb4116that’s was very insightful
@@justb4116omg
CPTSD recovery is exhausting. Thanks for the reminder that my fatigue is not "my fault".
You're also not alone, know that struggle very well. You'll get this.
100% Thank you❤
I keep watching these videos over the last couple of days and I have memories coming in then I lose track of what is said then I disocciate then I fall asleep. I'm seeing all the sleeping I've been doing as a good thing.
@@warriorqueen9792 sleep helps to process when the mind is shut off
@@zannapics I briefly attended a mindfulness meditation supervision group run by the mental health team's mindfulness 'guru'. That wasn't his title it just sums him up quite well I think! I mentioned how I fall asleep during mindfulness meditation and he said it could be because I'm disocciating due to trauma! This was quite a shocking revelation to me. I didn't think of myself in that way back then. I was still a functioning person. It all caught up with me eventually! Thanks for your response. That makes sense too. But also, using your brain uses up energy. So accessing memories that might stir the emotions can be energy sapping too I guess!
I can't believe you provide all these videos for free. You are such a blessing to this world!
Right!❤
Bless you too! @carneades
Totally Agreed. She is AMAZING!
They aren't free. I had this video start with 2 ads, then 5 ads through out the video. Now if you pay for RUclips you don't get the interrupting ads. So either way that ad and subscription revenue pays the creator of the content. That's why people do this content.
That’s not why she makes this content tho, just a bonus for her effort ✨
I am a social worker, psychologist, and have worked in medical research for 35+ years. This is one of the best videos on C-PTSD I have seen.
Yes, Heidi is amazing. I'm so grateful for her free resources. Truly an angel. ❤️
I agree as well! I haven't even made it half way through the video before I was so overwhelmed with emotions of relief and validation. It was like you gave my brain and my heart a big hug 🧸 ❤️ !
Thank you for taking the time and dedication to understand this complex disorder; it has helped me greatly! 🌞🌈
Agreed!!! I'd call it The Best. All so clear and concise.
Very logical and organized. No fluff.
@@alanastephens1200Yes! I felt EXACTLY the same way😊 🤗
I was in such a toxic shame state right before I got the notification about this new video. I was saying things like, “I’m worthless. I’m broken. I shouldn’t be here.” I remembered that when I was around 5 years old, I said to myself, “I wish I was never born”.
All 10 of these resonated with me on some level or another. I’m in my 50s and don’t really have an idea of who I am. I’ve always had to rely on others to validate me. I’m working on healing and hope that I will feel some kind of peace or contentment before I’m no longer on this planet.
Thank you for another great video, Heidi.
Same here. Same state before the notification. Same age. Same place in life. I was determined to mimic ‘normal’ people and became a successful ‘achiever’. I built an amazing external framework for every validation need. Multiple redundancies. My entire identity was wrapped up in that. As long as I could keep moving, I could keep a trail of trauma boulders in my rear view. When the world went into lockdown, 50 years of unresolved issues rained down with zero external validation to prop me up. Now, I’m beaten down and sitting in this disgusting swamp of shame. It’s sooooo unpleasant!
Heidi’s perspective gives me hope I’ll eventually slog my way through the layers of muck and get to meet my real self on the other side. Looking forward to seeing you there too!
As someone who has a long Journey as well, I want to Tell you, that you will find Peace and contentment. I believe in that.
And it's also statistically the Most likely outcome, when you keep working on it.
Also, you are in your 40s. It's been like 30 years at most since trauma was really beginning to be understood. So don't be ashamed of being Born so early in History.
But you're welcome to be grateful to Heidi and also to yourself for the work you're doing or even Just trying to do.
Edit: also when it comes to "who am I", a therapist on RUclips once said "Who do you want to be? That's where I would start."
It's hard to internalise, but so worth it once you do.
@@IsSheRebeccaRyan "The Swamp of Shame". That is a great way to put it, my Internet stranger-friend. So you were there, too, when I wrote that? It sucks that we are both there but the fact that I was not completely alone gives me some hope when I couldn't find any. I numbed myself when I was a teenager, withdrew, as I just couldn't process what was happening. I had learned earlier in life, unconsciously, that I couldn't completely trust my parents...well, parent after my father left. No one to ask for help although I would not have been able to put into words what I was experiencing..."I'm fine" would have said.
Heidi was one of the first RUclipsrs that I came across almost 2 years ago when I was searching using keywords like CTPSD, attachment styles, childhood trauma, and so on. I also hope that, with the resources we have such as Heidi (and my own work with a therapist), I will find my authentic self on the other side. And, perhaps, we will run into each other.
P.S. - Does your username have your real name in it? Don't reply here if you don't want to! 🙂
@@Kestas_X Thank you for your reply. It's hard and painful work...but I can't let myself give up and slide back into just "existing" so I do my best to keep on keeping on, despite the times when I'm in that "Black Pit" of depair, trying to claw my way out.
By the way, I'm in my 50s and, with professional help, I can remember experiencing shame and neglect as early as 4 year old. It may have started earlier than that but I just can't remember that far back. Thank you again.
@marconius You put this so well. I’m in my 60’s and I’m in this place too. Good luck and thanks for posting. My best to you.❤
I’d give many thousands of dollars to have had this information 20 years ago. I lost the best years of my life to trauma. I know now.
You're not alone. I am 68 nd still struggle with dissociation and other trauma responses
@@storeymark❤
I am 70. I have been on treatment for 3.5 years. My mom is a Covert Narcissist. I didn't realize that until I was 64. 😢. I am healing now. I have blocked her from life. That is hard, but my life is so much better. In addition, I had to go NC with my half-siblings also.
I do miss my 1/2 sister. I tried to make-up with her. DEAR MOM HAS HER MIND SCRAMBLED. I figured out IMHO that she has DELUSIONAL THINKING with the sub-group against a particular person. (ME) I finally realized that there is NOTHING TO DO TO HELP HER. 😢.
The stories she has against ME are pretty delusional. HER ideas are not logical. For example: The neighbors are moving out because I have been telling lies about her. I don't know her neighbors, I have never talked to them. Anything that might be her problem because of her delusions, or just because they are buying other properties to advance in their housing situation. Many were college students who have graduated in the last 4 years.
Me? I am getting better and better mentally. I do find that I am triggered more and more. I am learning what to do to help myself. 😊😮.
Sending good vibrations to you!
me to.. I am 49.
we are before our time, as always..
Me, too. I'm in my 70s. When I was younger psychology was "Freudian," and so much has changed since then.
The way you talk and the words you use are so gentle. It really helps to internalize the content of the video and to not feel shame about it.
People accuse me of having adult ADHD but I never knew how CPTSD affected attention span. This makes so much sense now. Very comforting.
I work with a friend of mine who gave me a job that requires brain power and not so many physical repetitive tasks. I've been there for a year. I still struggle with tasks that I was trained on from the beginning. This paired with my childhood/background with cptsd makes this job a nightmare. My friend thinks it's ADHD. It's not.
My body is naturally healing right now. I'm going through hell. I do therapy and maybe I'll get some more help. Like the video said this isn't authentically me but a layer or something externally there apart from your soul. We didn't consciously do it to ourselves.
Same
Pete Walker mentions this in his book on Complex PTSD, I recommend you check it out. (Free audiobook on yt)
3:41 1. The neurotic behaviours and emotional regulation strategies you adopted are not character defects but trauma responses
6:13 2. You cannot concentrate when you are dysregulated (so healing will make you smarter)
8:58 3. People need most support when they are struggling (so when you make a mistake reach out for support)
12:26 4. It is normal to not know things that you have not been taught, or you were taught while dissociated (ask)
15:52 5. You need to figure out who you are, what your wants, interests and passions are. Get to know yourself!
17:47 6. Your triggers are not you core authentic self. There is the mask, a layer of trauma triggers etc., and then the real self
20:36 7. When you procrastinate you are often responding to overwhelming feelings, esp. toxic shame. Taxes...
24:34 8. Other people are taking cues from you as to how to interact with you, so if you are not showing certain things (like sadness) other people cannot respond to it.
28:38 9. Good people can do bad things. How well we learn to correct that behaviour is in proportion to how much love and guidance we receive.
32:06 10. As adults we have more agency and have options other than to dissociate, but to actually change our circumstances to change our emotional state.
pin this comment
Thanks for this sumup!
Really pithy summary, thanks.
Thank you so much.
Excellent summary, thank you 😊
24:04 “If you live with chronic triggers, you have less hours in the day than the average person” 😭😭 this made me cry immediately. I’m perpetually in a state of catching up on things I’m behind on. 😭😢
SAME ❤
Same
It is a heavy burden for sure❤
My husband was my chronic trigger. In one month of being alone, I have accomplished more than I did in the last five years of living with him.
I did EMDR for 7 hours the other day. The results were interesting. The day of I was exhausted after the therapy session.
The next day the world was crazy quiet and still. There was no story anymore around the triggers in front of me. Like a tree was just a tree.
The next three days I was easily annoyed. I would say that the next level of triggers were going off. And the schematic that I had lived my life from the last 45 years I've been rearranged, and that was distressful in the new but refreshing way.
Things a week out are now settling. And walking around the grocery store I feel taller, clearer, more interactive with the other customers, with no story bogging me down. I don't have to try to feel better, or self talk to feel better. I am just freed up.
I feel like I've gotten my youthful, quiet innocence back!
I certainly think another 7 hour session is in order.
I say all this because I would like others to know that triggers can be removed and you can get your life back.
I've also noticed that managing all those triggers all the time was exhausting and also caused me not to be able to focus in life.
3:42 1st lesson
6:13 2nd lesson
8:59 3rd lesson
12:26 4th lesson
15:53 5th lesson
17:48 6th lesson
20:37 7th lesson
24:34 8th lesson
28:39 9th lesson
32:06 10th lesson
All these were EYE OPENING! I always felt stupid for not being as productive as my peers at work but no, I'm not stupid, I'm just chronically stressed and dealing with my triggers and that's why I can't focus as easy as them and therefore make more mistakes. Again, all these were soooo important, thank you so much! I feel better with myself lol
Thank you! Super helpful ❤
Thank you :D Its so helpfull for understanding and memory to get an overview.
Your in an abusive environment
Thank God for you
Thank you!
Nr.5 makes me overwhelmingly sad.
In my mind, to be safe, I must: 1. assume what I'm supposed to be knowing, without anyone telling me or god forbid without me asking, 2. teach it to myself and not bother anyone with my existence, 3. become expert at it overnight and never ever make even the tiniest mistake, or I'm in trouble.
I just can't live like this anymore, it's exhausting 😢
The book "The talent code" by Daniel Coyle, says that one of the best things that you can do to learn better is to make a mistake, i used to think the same way that you express, but that book open my mind and the way that it explains the way we learn in relationship to the brain it makes so much sense, i love that book, hopefully it helps you too.
I'm still in the process and say to myself as much as i can that making mistakes is good, but i prefer the word "accidents", because i have a better relationship with that word than with the word "mistake" :)
I so get this!
Man, I got tired just reading that.
Thanks, I never got to see the rules I have to follow laid out plainly. I was just trying to follow the rules.
You're just like me; even though I've started my healing and notice improvements I still feel like I should get better in silence, and that it's somehow embarrassing, shameful and forbidden to talk about your journey. Perhaps that's my inner child still being afraid of being seen at all, even if I'm doing something good.
Same here same there’s so much dysfunction in my family and I’m still trying to unravel a 50 but I’m basically driving while listening to this sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna end my life by being negligent not always I’m very careful but I’m tired
I recently started watching Foundation, and this quote caught my attention:
"...when people are afraid to do their job right, they’re certain to do it wrong.
That’s poor stewardship."
Your comments about doubling down on self criticism when we make a mistake due to a high cost of mistakes in childhood, makes so much sense.
Being "taught" that prioritizing "don't get things wrong" over "get things right" truly was poor stewardship.
Wow! Thank you for sharing that.
This is spot on! Thanks for sharing❤
I remember at twenty eight I had a very skilled therapist tell me that I was amazingly hard to read. He said he had no idea what I was thinking or feeling. He had never worked with someone who was so unreadable. No wonder I spent most of my life feeling invisible in a group.
I had the same experience. It's starting to make a lot of sense.
Hugs!! ❤❤❤❤❤
Sounds like at least you got some honest feedback.
My therapist throws me off a lot because after I have said something, he will give me a talk similar to some things Heidi says recontextualizing my thought patterns, suggesting why I might have done something, and then suggesting a course of action (like a therapy goal or a journal to do). I will be nodding along, thinking what he is saying makes perfect sense and connects thoughts I was having in a way that is helpful and constructive, and that the thing he suggested sounds helpful and like something I want to do. And then he will often just kind of hesitantly say something like, how does that sound?
And he should ask me that, but after a while he let me know that from his perspective, where I think of myself as agreeing and engaging enthusiastically (if quietly because I am often a little emotionally spent at that point), to him it looks like I am just kind of staring at him, nodding to signal comprehension.
I do know I consciously do this in a lot of areas, and in others I consciously put emotions on my face. But I didn’t realize it was so hard to unconsciously signal how I’m feeling when I’m not actively trying to stifle it.
You may be on the spectrum
12:40 Maybe that's why once I started healing I realized there's a lot of things in life that I've learned on an intellectual level but had never made an emotional connection with. It is only once that emotional connection is made that I'm able to truly integrate what I had learned, even if its decades later.
This is so true for me too
There are so many things I understand about myself intellectually that just don’t feel right. It’s not emotionally true.
Good God you've just summed up my life.....a real knowledgable therapist
Absolutely!
You're spot on. I once thought intellectual understanding was sufficient, until I learned how to make the emotional connections.
I’ve spent over 10 years seeing therapists and psychologists and never have I understood my cptsd as well as I do now, thanks to the clarity and precise information you provide. Both my brain and my soul thank you so very much.
Same! She explains it so simply and it gave me so many "Oh wow! That's why I do that" moments. Why can't all therapists make it this simple.
Same
❤ 100% this is me. I deeply resonate with all ten. Failed relationships, hard to focus & concentrate, freeze state - u can't move or think u r just scared shitless & trying to fugure out why I am like this, always thought I should know the answers, such horrible negative self - talk, doing things I KNOW BETTER than to do . . But still did it. It all makes sense now. First 7 yrs of my life where extremely TRAUMATIC. 3 months old my biological Dad was jealous (according to Mom) he would take a bat and hit the couch I was sleeping on just to startle and wake me up. That alone would more than do it, imo. According to my family he was a narcissistic punk who got in a lot of trouble. My Mom just wanted someone to love (grew up in alcoholic environment) and he just made her MISERABLE. She even attempted suicide while carrying me. I have NEVER MET, SPOKEN TO OR HAVE A PHOTO, NO OTHER FAMILY. Mom told me it was up to me if I wanted to contact him, but he will make your life hell. My junior year he called thinking I would be graduating but I did 2nd grade twice not for being held back either I told my grandparents that's the grade I was in. I am 57 yrs young now and wowzers what a ride it's been with all the obstacles and trying to figure out what's wrong with me . . THIS IS MY SAVING GRACE BCUZ EVEN TO THIS DAY I STILL FUNCTION FROM TRAUMATIC RESPONSE AND IT DEEPLY AFFECTS MY RELATIONSHIPS. I THOUGHT IT WAS THEM, NOT ME. COMPROMISE lol. I certainly hope & pray this video and word of mouth get this out there bcuz I JUST KNOW HUMANITY NEEDS THIS INVALUABLE INFORMATION. I NEVER DID MEET MY BIO DAD, BUT I THINK KEEPING TOXIC PPL OUT OF MY LIFE IS VITAL AND KEY TO MY HAPPINESS. THE LAST THING IS I BELIEVE MY GRANDSON WHO JUST TURNED 10 WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED ADHD . . . AFTER WARCHING THIS VIDEO 100% CPTSD. FOSTER CARE AT ABOUT 3 MO. OLD AND SEPERATED FROM HIS TWO OLDER SISTERS. HIS DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC NEVER PHYSICALLY HURT THE CHILDREN & LOVES THEM DEEPLY. UNFORTUNATELY, IN 2020 ABOUT 6 MONTHS APART THE CHILDREN LOST THEIR GPA & THEIR DAD TO DRUG OVERDOSE. TRAUMA IS REAL AND OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BODY/MIND/SOUL. PRAYERS FOR ALL OF US AS WE MOVE OUT OF CONTROL, GREED & POWER ERA INTO LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY. UNITE AS ONE, DO NOT ALLOW SEPERATION TACTICS TO USE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. GODSPEED BLESSINGS
Exactly, 30+ years of therapy. I was identifying as having a bipolar disorder. I was given this label as a teen and it was never challenged by my many medical providers.
Here here !!!
Jesus Christ, Heidi. You have got to be the best communicator on these topics in the world. Your breakdown and your delivery are like watching a psychic symphony orchestra draw a mental/emotional/dynamic map of my childhood 😄. I click on your videos for the title but I end up enjoying watching a virtuosa at work. Amazing. The dots you help me connect and reconnect on a regular basis are extremely valuable. If/when you start offering 1-on-1 coaching, I want to know about it.
"...watching a virtuosa at work!" Yes! Well said! 🤗
Agreed! Seconded! Hear hear!
So agree!!
I was thinking the same. Some people have a LOT of knowledge on a subject. Some people are good communicators. Heidi is strong in both knowledge and communicating.
She has changed my life several times over. I am eternally grateful.
✨She’s describing my whole life, and I feel so heard✨
Totally
3:41 - 1. Trauma Responses are not character defects
6:13 - 2. Dysregulation disrupts concentration
8:58 - 3. People need support the most when they're struggling the most
12:27 - 4. It is normal to not know things
15:52 - 5. Align your life to your wants, needs and passions
17:47 - 6. Your triggers are not your core authentic self
20:37 - 7. Procrastination is often you taking time to deal with overwhelming feelings
24:34 - 8. People may bet the wrong cues from you
28:38 - 9. Good people do bad things
32:06 - 10. Hope often comes from a change in circumstance
----
Titles are mine, did what I could to summarize
Edit: Lol, as I was writing this someone else did exactly the same thing. Oh well.
Thank you.
Thank you for this!! ❤
How can I bookmark your summary? It is helpful to have as a cheat sheet when things get out of hand with others.
thank you! not exactly the same so still appreciate your summary
Thank you
I've always said to myself "I should know this, I'm 60 why don't I know this?, there's so much I don't know..." and now I understand why. THANK YOU❤
I am stunned. I have never heard anything this compassionate, informative and life-changing in almost 30 years of therapy and recovery from addiction. I will listening over and over. Brava for your work and dedication in this area.
Me too!
I really feel like compassion is the missing element in the majority of therapy given today. So many times they made me feel as if it was a character flaw when I behaved in certain ways that they see as "bad".
Could not agree more! ❤
@@shadylady1503Sad that counselors are so poorly trained and perhaps overwhelmed with their work to the point that they fail to keep learning. Because then they are just ineffective and not really helping. And then relying on medication to do most of the work, when it definitely does not.
I had the same reaction. This is pure gold, and I'm sharing it with my (long-term) therapist.
My parents shamed and ostracized me for my neuroses their chaos abuse and neglect caused. My whole life they e treated me like a broken messed up person who chooses it.
I also grew up with toxic family dynamic. I'm now 52 years old and reminding myself "it's not your fault," over and again, to help me release projections of someone else's dysfunction and self-loathing. I journal and seek internal Guidance from the well-spring of loving, supportive and nurturing inner divinity (that we can all tap into if we allow ourselves this connection). It helps me process, release and then write down affirmations that are positive to replace the ones that were instilled inside me by non-loving, shaming personas outside of me. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this journey of self-love and forgiveness. As we heal ourselves, we help to heal our world. ❤
Same
Heidi your content is high quality and authentic. Some of the channels that I used to follow earlier such as crappy childhood fairy and Jerry wise relationship systems, bought their membership and services too, have become very RUclips algorithm focused and a bit gimmicky now. Please don’t lose your authenticity!
Facts
I mean this with everything in me. This video, has brought me to my knees! However, I feel like I can soar! I thought I had ADD or ADHD or I was autistic something! I’m 42 years old and I’ve been on my healing journey for the past few years. This blew it wide open! There it is! It’s me! To a T!!!!! Thank you! My life will never be the same! I’m breaking FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This perfectly sums up how I feel right now ❤
I'm totally joking around here, so disregard my cruelty. That's what you think. ;)
Watching my attention span expand exponentially. As opposed to watching my frustration fluctuate as my focus flounders.
I am not defined by my trauma; my responses are not character flaws but survival strategies. Healing brings clarity and strength, helping me to concentrate and grow smarter. When I struggle, I deserve support, and it’s okay to ask for help. I embrace my journey of self-discovery, recognizing that my true self lies beyond my triggers. I release toxic shame and respond to overwhelm with kindness. I allow others to see my authentic emotions so that I can receive the care I need. I understand that good people can make mistakes, and I choose to learn, grow, and correct my behaviour with love and guidance. As an adult, I have the power to change my circumstances, not just my emotional state. I am in control of my journey"
I'm trying I didn't even know I wasn't in control until just recently and now I'm trying to figure everything out as a middle aged man 😂 well I'm probably past middle age but I never expected to still be around at 30 let alone 46 but I don't even want to be around at 92. I have always found myself in relationships where I was doing everything to try to make sure they stayed and strangely every serious relationship I was ever in died in it's 8th year no matter how hard I tried to make them happy I guess I was just pushing them away but it has been really hard on me especially since I had children with 2 of them who basically had to get away from me shortly after the kids were born I don't even know my oldest son at all because we were in college and we were both from different places so when she was pregnant she had returned to her hometown in the midwest and I ended up coming back to my hometown here on the east coast and we haven't internet back then but it wants anything like it is now so I only ever saw a few pictures of him and I didn't realize how much it had a bothering me over the place but when I was cut off from the security only I stopped because able to be around for the holidays I was with him for a few years so it was even more difficult for me than not knowing the other one but when it had the 3rd time I had married her and everything thinking it would help keep it from happening but it ended up going almost exactly the same she had already had 2 kids and was pregnant when I met her and I guess she was just looking for security or something I don't think I was capable of loving anyone by that time I was just doing everything I could to try not to feel the loss I had been feeling and it worked I guess I wasn't as depressed as I had been for a while but I think I was drawn to people who had like the opposite of me I would cling to anyone who paid attention to me for a second even when they stopped for a long time my most recent ex has a son who was 6 or 7 when we got together and I was very hesitant on meeting him and I don't think I would have if she hadn't convinced me that she was exactly like me but she has been in therapy our entire relationship so maybe she just got better IDK but after I had told her how much damage losing my children had caused me which I had never told anyone before her but with her I finally felt like I didn't have to hide so when she asked for no contact I was devastated because I know she knows how much I love them both, it's the reason I didn't fight her to stsy she had a breakdown last spring and she said she needed her own place so she wouldn't process without me constantly trying to fix everything so I helped her get her own place and then after a few months of us just spending time together when she wanted me there she sent me a text message asking me for no contact and I haven't seen or heard from her since, I was still texting with her son until about 3 months ago when he stopped replying so I decided to call her because she had never changed her address and I was still getting all of their mail and most of it was stuff they wouldn't forward and I just wanted to know what she wanted me to do with it well I don't know when but she had changed her# and apparently she had changed his as well because they were both disconnected so I finally dug up her adult daughter's phone# and she said she would let me know but then she never got back to me so I tried to reach out to her again and her# was no longer in service either so it's just sitting here I know where she lives but I never wanted her to feel like she had to run away from me since that has always been what happened I thought this time I won't chase her and I guess I was hoping that it would make a difference but it hasn't yet, and I think I have finally figured out that I need to stop needing someone to need me to feel like I have any reason to live, I could understand if I had ever even raised my voice to any of them but because of the way it affected me I was so completely against it that I still can't understand how people who grew up like that can be exactly the same it seems so foreign to me, I had always assumed that most people who had crappy childhoods were doing everything they could to make sure they were doing it right but the more I learn the more I can understand that sometimes we don't even know we are doing anything wrong and sometimes we can't stop ourselves from doing those things. I don't want I will ever date again but if I ever do I'm gonna have to get a lot better at controlling my urge to make everything perfect because it's not my responsibility or my fault if they are unable to accept my love and I shouldn't ever feel like I am the only person who wants to be in the relationship which has been about 80% of all my relationships I always feel like they stay with me hoping something better comes along and then they get tired of waiting for it and leave and in the case of my wife they just take off with someone they met online and then when it doesn't work they come back only to do it again a year later I told myself after her I wasted going to ever let my walls down again and here I am again a decade later examined where I was back then wondering why and wishing I could stop the hurting 😢 another hard lesson I should have learned the first time or the second or 3rd but instead I'm finally figuring it out the 4th time and it's probably too late to help me but I have to hope that I can either validate my own existence or start being ok with it.
Perfectly said @]timfitzgerald8283
Please make a "part 2" of this video, or better yet, an ongoing series.
Even as someone who is very conscious of my c-ptsd symptoms and working through healing/recovery, I had no idea how much of this I needed to hear. Some of it hit very hard and very deeply.
Ugh. I have so much to work on...
Please keep going.
Tim Fletcher here on youtube has an extended series on C-PTSD. I haven't sat down an watched it yet, but my cursory examination tells me it's good.
Don’t forget to work on your nervous system too. Trauma gets stored in your body so talk therapy will only take you so far! What I realized at almost 2 years. Lots of free info/nervous system regulation videos on RUclips! Look up somatic experiencing
My experience is that there's no complete healing without Psil0cyb!n trips (maybe there's other psychedelics that could compare but I haven't tried them). Heidi is so good, that a lot of what she talks about are things I've had breakthroughs with on trips!!
@@alisiademi I wish psybin worked for me. I had high hopes, but it only made things worse. I felt >more< isolated and separated from the world, and convinced that 5u!c!d3 was my only option.
After a few trips I had to give up on it. I feel like I'm getting better results from |V| D |V| 4 though.
This is the second recommendation to Tim Fletcher. He has whole series about understanding complex trauma, healing and development of the wounded inner child and you as a person that tries to normalize your life. The second part is christianity. But from the perspective of complex trauma. I'm actually against religion, but this is the only way I can digest the Holy Bible. I'm watching Tim Fletcher almost daily when I'm making dinner, or even more often. Sometimes watching Tim Fletcher can be confrontational or even triggering, but in the best possible healing way. I now know how far I came and with what I am still struggling with. And that complex trauma takes a lifetime and commitment to yourself to deal with it on your own.
Good luck with your healing journey.
A therapist told me: your parents weren't horrible people, they were deficient. That really helped me understand.
I got there realizing they did the best they could with the tools they had as well. We forget our parents likely had some trauma as well, and that affects how they parent.
Mine were horrible people. Especially my father. I grew up with a Stalin
@@alexandrugheorghe5610if they were horrible, they were deficient
maybe.
some parents really are/were fundamental shit monsters, and that cannot be simply dismissed away or apologized for.
@@coreylawson1103 true
"In order for life to feel meaningful, you have to get to know yourself and figure out what your unique wants, interests, and passions are."
“”When you live with chronic triggers - you do have less hours in a day” - Bravo!! Probably - the best explanation of procrastination I’ve heard so far, and I’ve heard a good few dozens of them!!
The world is lucky to have you working through your own traumas and telling people about your journey!
I admire of how you make a lemonade of lemons! Just wow! Thank you for sharing.
Right now I’m struggling with the job search and it makes so much sense every word you’re saying about the triggers. Whenever I find the job - you’ll be the second one, after Ukrainian army I donate to!
Thank you!❤️❤️❤️
Totally
I used to spend hours making a resume, sending it.
I never learned how to use the computer program necessary to format it, nor was I a fast typer.
I was too ashamed to ask for help.
“Fewer hours” lol 😂
Ooo thank you! I’m a young adult and I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I was never taught. I am now struggling to learn how to be a capable functioning adult through trial and error without support.
We all need support. Perhaps you could find a mentor or a support group.
... But you do have support! This video is a good example of the kind of precise support you're receiving... Pay attention and you'll start noticing it's everywhere... Always! May the love that you are be revealed; may all the veils be lifted for you 🤗♥️🙏
Same
To see this as a young adult is a big head start. Print it out (either the summaries people have placed in the replies or the whole transcript) and keep it with you. If you go to a counselor for support, make sure they understand these are the things you need help with. Otherwise they might assume things and waste your time. Good luck! I hope this woman writes a book about how to take these 10 steps she outlines further. But certainly catching oneself doing these things and slowing down to give compassion to ourselves would be a big step.
I spent the day playing a video game because it allowed my brain to regulate. When I was done, I cleaned my whole bathroom- a task I’d been procrastinating on for a while.
Great job!
I’m a veteran. I play video games before I go to bed. It keeps my mind engaged and prevents it from going into dark places. Best of luck to you.
This is how I became in the top 100k players on COD. ❤
@ 9:56 "...so your brain becomes an inhibition machine..." Oh, yes it does!, on so many deep levels! Thank you Heidi, this is so well thought out and expressed. ANOTHER ONE to pore over many times.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) mushies has been shown to reduce symptoms of PTSD, especially in patients who have not found other treatments effective.
They've brought in back shock therapy for treating extreme depression, I would definitely take a mushroom before I did that
Mushrooms facilitate deeper self-reflection and personal growth.
I find mushrooms more introspective, helping me confront emotions.
How do you get your supplies of psychedelic products and supplements?
doc.kain
Right at this moment I’m on my third day procrastinating buying a plane ticket for a funeral. Needed to hear this.
“Your brain becomes an inhibition machine much more than a learning exploring machine.” Well, that’s for sure.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Can you do it one step at a time? So start by just getting your bank card out for the transaction and leave it there for a moment, then bring up the web page and go and make some tea, etc. I find it helps me to break the spiral. Just one step and lots of positive self talk along the way.
Sending love and I’m also sorry for your loss ♥️
Yeah, putting in effort to do something that is basically going to touch on old trauma and maybe even add some...no wonder you're holding back on that.
Are u nervous about going to the funeral?
I spent 8 hours managing my toxic shame, not 8 hours filling in a form - OMG that's a game changer, thank you.
Damn... Pretty much every single point in this video is a perfect description of me. What I do take some comfort in is that I recognise these points more strongly in my past self than in my current self, I think this does help me see that I have made quite a bit of progress
You just described Gen X. Our teachers and parents expected us to know things before we were taught them or just shown them once. We were whipped, switched, taken to help fire and brimstone sermons, whipped for not being still as toddlers at church, or ignored. And yes we had lead fittings on the hose pipe, too.
Elder millennial (1984) here and you just described my childhood. 🤷♀️
Also happened to my dad in the 50s
I am so sad to hear that church people treated you like this. Faith in JESUS is what has rescued me, and He is not into child abuse !!! If it helps to know, I was molested by a pseudo-"religious" man, and true faith is the complete opposite.
Also, never told 'sorry', never listened to, divorce rate skyrocketed, Church was abandoned, parents dating creeps...
I did everything different with my daughter. She is so loved.❤
May God bless you and keep you, heal you, and shower you with love.
Boomers don't want to acknowledge this stuff because often they were the older, abusive siblings.❤
Not alk gen x people had that experience.
Heidi,
Thank you so much. You have just now taught me that it's not a character flaw. I am totally addicted to self improvement as the scapegoat of the family. Thank you for your hard work and exceptional channel.
For me - a neglected and abandoned childhood - I would do one of two things when upset - I would drown my sorrows with sugar or I would declutter, clean and rearrange and organize obsessively. However, and this is not to negate or minimize anyone's experience - when I changed the food I ate, I changed. I'm not sure how I did it, but it happened. I had lived in a fearful and negative state all my life, yet when I removed sugar and processed food, got rid of flour, soy and seed oils I changed. About two weeks into this new way of eating I awoke, for maybe the first time ever, with a neutral mindset. No complaints, no whining, no physical pain, and nothing upset me. Boredom left. Anger left. It was the weirdest thing, but welcoming. Everything still happened to me, but I wasn't bothered about it anymore. I experienced a complete shift in my mood, my attitude, and my health. March will be ten years on this way of eating and I will continue forever. I'm not sure on how or why this happened, but it did and I now experience happiness and peace. All my best to you all.
16:00 "You have to get to know yourself and figure out your unique wants, interests, and passions are and then align your life with those things." How do I do this? The more I dig into who I am and what my interests are they're all coping mechanisms, like 100% of what I do and why can be summed up into reducing the amount of energy I have to expend and only recently (thanks to your videos and therapy) have I realized that my "lack of energy" has just been me shame spiraling constantly. I can count on one hand the number of times I have genuinely liked something in my life and it wasn't for the reason to remove discomfort elsewhere. I'm not even sure where to begin attempting to get to know myself and I'm not sure what's a mask and what is myself at this point.
Yeah I know the feeling. It’s very confusing.
THIS. I find this so relatable
It's okay not to have all the answers right away. I believe in learning by doing. Just yesterday I read that we should think and analyze less. We should do and experience new things and the true self will emerge naturally over time.
I found it helpful to enlist the body - e.g. try stuff and see if the heart reacts positively, does it make my heart leap in a good way? or give me energy? (embodiment is living as a whole mind-body-self, but it's easy to shut of body signals along with feelings)
There's a brilliant book titled "Who You Were Meant To Be" by Lindsay Gibson that tackles this exact question!
It has been hugely helpful to me on this journey. She has some exercises to find clues that point to what that numbed-out sense of your "true self" really wants. One I enjoyed was going through life, noticing and writing down whenever you feel a little backseat-driver impulse, where you watch someone and think "oh, I wouldn't do it like that!" and end up imagining yourself in that task.
She gives an example of a man who, whenever he watched TV, would imagine how he would perform the role differently than the lead actor on screen. Of course he had no experience, it wasn't his ego talking, but that playful inner child who sees a game that looks fun.
It's important to note that the book isn't about abandoning your real life and becoming a struggling actor/singer/whatever. But about discovering and feeding the starving parts of your true self. I think the man in the example ended up joining a community theatre and that was plenty for him, he found joy in a new hobby.
Basically start by noticing what gets your imagination going - even if it looks at first glance to be jealousy or an inflated ego. No single thing is THE ANSWER, but if you start making a list, you'll see patterns to explore.
I love how you said we have less time in the day, I've always felt that way but couldn't understand why, and now I fully get it.
I also was always masking that I was fine and upbeat and minimizing my problems because "other people have it worse" was how I rationalized it.
My exact feeling too
Where were you 30 years ago when i needed to hear this the most. Compound compllex ptsd gets so little attention - prob because soo few practitioners want to take those clients on. This has forced too many people to become their own counsellor when young. Thankyoou for coming to YT
She was healing
When you said " it's not the true quality of the soul" just made me cry. My dad was a Pentecostal preacher ( I am almost 60 years old) and a violent alcoholic. My mom grew up in a crazy household with a( mentally )sick mom herself.
My spirituality is everything.
I will b listening to this video daily until it is engrained in my brain. How can u possibly know so much about me! Its so very comforting.
"You do have less hours in the day than the average person. In the sense of, you have less time in the day when you are regulated and therefore able to effectively deal with the tasks in front of you."
This was so validating. Thank you so much!
You explain things so beautifully. I'm starting to think I don't have Auditory Processing Disorder, but CPTSD instead.
Genuinely asking: what made you think it was APD instead of CPTSD? they're such different disorders, surely
@EllinIsLivid APD has no short term memory.
same here!! for much of my childhood I really struggled to process and remember what other people were saying to me, and I wondered if it was due to some sort of hearing or memory issues, but given that I also spent so much of my childhood dissociating, the dissociation could explain my struggles in this area just as easily if not more so.
@@EllinIsLividHonestly cptsd shares so many things with so many disorders. I looked up autism and only thing I didn't have was stimming. At least I don't think so, lol.
I identified as having ADHD for much of my teenage years (I was a textbook case, I checked every box, and my psychiatrist agreed) and was later diagnosed with autism as well, and for much of that time I believed all my symptoms (difficulty focusing, difficulty remembering information, difficulty regulating my emotions, difficulty feeling and identifying my emotions, difficulty making eye contact, difficulty receiving criticism, restlessness, etc etc) were things I was born with, were a fundamental part of who I was, were something I should be proud of as a member of the neurodivergent community. I still deeply appreciate the neurodivergent community for helping to take the shame out of these things for younger me, but the further along I get in my C-PTSD healing journey, the more and more my symptoms are receding, and the more obvious it’s becoming that all these things were much more temporary responses to trauma than they were an unchanging part of me!
this video really reminds me of this - especially the parts about struggling to concentrate and struggling to remember things you learned while dissociating!
I have to think about this, thanks
For the past 3 weeks I’ve spiraling and isolating myself over all this… some of this things I realized but for the rest you’ve put them into words words. This has been the journey of a lifetime specially for the last 6 months where it hit me that my whole life, childhood and way of being in this world was not normal but was a response to how I’ve been treated. I went for 3 months straight to a psychologist but I stopped since I feel she didn’t fully get the picture (now I realized I have normalized so many things that I didn’t feel like mentioning them hence I was not telling the full truth to her) and I felt I couldn’t trust her (because of how much shame I got going on). I have isolated myself from all the few friends I have and I am facing med school expulsion since I can’t attend my practices being in the state that I am but I don’t know how to ask for help nor to explain myself without “outing” my parents. I am at that point you mentioned last where I truly have no hope anymore. Thanks for this video I feel it will help lots of people ❤
I pray for you , keep believing in yourself , it is possible to heal ❤
I’ve always felt so empathetic towards others but so emotionally mute; as though I can feel everything but don’t exist. Excellent framework
I absolutely love you, your channel, your advice, your wisdom and helping all of us to work through our trauma and help us to overcome our pain, social issues and challenges in life. My therapist never explained it this well. You are the best and should seriously win an award for your work. Keep up the amazing content. We truly appreciate you for creating this channel for the broken ones.
We’re not broken.
@@vemrithYou are right, we are not broken in terms of 'damaged for all time', but we are injured...feels like broken...we can heal✨
Danke!
This video is everything to me. I refused to accept my ten minute ADHD diagnosis and responded negatively to every medication. I KNEW there was more. This video describes my experience perfectly. Thank you 🙏
Excruciatingly helpful.
Thanks! I was in therapy for decades, never had so many Ah Ha moments as I have since you started with ‘Self esteem month’ I am amazed how at the age of 47 I am still held captive by my triggers. I get triggered from other humans, failed every exam or job interview so it was impossible to break free completely. But even seeing the light at the end is better than dying in the dark. Your work will not be wasted, I will internalize the healing massages and save myself somehow. Be well and safe from hurt and harm.
She descrbed me in a ut shell..the struggles the procrastination the day dreaming..the guilt..lack of social skills...the deregulation....good God...i needed to hear this...should have heard it 40 years ago.
I always look forward to fabulous hair and a thorough brush down of my rusty soul here!
"Why I am so different, bad, and flawed, unlike everybody else." You hit the nail ON THE HEAD. Outside of my father, I really don't have any family members who like me (well, beyond my hubby and kids). My extended family dislikes me and won't talk to me. I don't get invites to weddings, or Christmas cards, and I've been shamed BY them much of my childhood. Always told what was wrong with me, never encouraged or told any kind things. So I grew up believing I was unlikable. Yes, I get this 100%!!!!
I am 64 years old and you have just described my life without me knowing what was wrong with me. I literally could not understand what was wrong with me now I have some insight thank you. I will pursue this.
I love how you make complex concepts so clear and understandable. Thank you for your great insights.
Wow, the whole "dissociating while you were learning so you didn't learn" thing and its associated "I'm messed up in a way other people aren't" concept is so unreal to hear put to words! Some days I won't click on Heidi's new video as it comes out (sometimes for weeks) because I feel entirely unable to truly hear the lessons put out in the videos and to allow them to have the impact that such fundamental, amazingly articulated ideas could. I've tried to press play and really focus as much as I can, but ultimately I turn out to be right when that feeling of "I can/can't learn right now" comes up. I really haven't understood what was going on there, only able to categorize the side of me that's able to get something from content like Heidi's as "better" and the side of me that isn't as "worse". My work on that has grown more towards better being able to recognize those states and act from them (in the academic side of my life - just not bothering to show up to school on days I know I'm not learning anything today anyways vs not allowing the shame to prevent me from continuing to show up on the days I can). I did not expect a Heidi video to help me better understand where the behavior that sometimes stops me from watching her videos comes from!
Anyways, another masterclass in both content and presentation of that content from Heidi! Cherish every polished, gentle, kind sentence that comes out of this channel. Thank you!
Finally someone who has articulated my childhood and my thought thinking to a T.
And why I searched and seeked from outside information and guidance from friends and colleagues rather than from my parents.
Excellent presentation. I was 50 years old when I went through suicidal depression but with some good counseling I was able to deal with childhood trauma. One of the things I missed was healthy emotions. In a group one day, the leader said let's begin by telling something that brought us joy this morning. My immediate thought was, "I don't know what joy is."
I did have a "spirit guide" in my youth. It once said, "Often, you are hard on yourself. Try instead to see only the lesson and not a definitive statement of your worth." It blew my mind then. Now, Ms. Priebe says something similar. Her encouragement helps.
When I feel vulnerable, I have learned to ask for patience, kindness, and encouragement-- not just from others, but also from myself.
That end bit about the world outside our heads is better than the one inside is a real allegory of the caves innit…
I always knew my behavior had to do with the trauma I went through in my childhood and through my teenage years. But, it was embarrassing to share with people fearing being insulted, criticized as being weak and a baby for not being able to develop naturally into manhood. Now, I know I wasn’t wrong and I’m going g to follow any advice you have to get better as much as I possibly can. I am 54 years old and I’m tired of the hurting. I need and desire my life to be better. Thank you.
God bless us all.
Love this channel Heidi! You have a gift! ❤
I was diagnosed with adhd at 21, and have a a couple years ago started to suspect my symptoms are actually from my childhood trauma.
You described so well my struggles, I felt so seen and validated, almost cried with relief.
I used to feel incompetent, lazy and whenever I tried to convey what was happening I was just told that I wasn't interested. So I also started to mask. This video was so reassuring.
I've also noticed how my attention has been improving greatly since working towards healing. As many of your other videos, I felt like one more layer falling off, if that makes sense. And it felt like healing!
Thank you so much, Heidi ❤
this!! I very much relate; I’m glad you’re also having this experience :)
I learned that people were crazy and dangerous after moving to a small town in Utah. Every day I was attacked, bullied, harassed, beaten, and nearly killed over and over again for 5 years (5th - 10th grade). I never did anything to anybody except occasionally fight back when I had to. I'm nearing 50 now, but I still isolate and put on a cold, mean face to deter the chimp-minded masses looking to hurt anyone they think is vulnerable or more talented than themselves in any way. Isolation sucks, but in general it beats dealing with monsters. I've had mixed experiences since that time and would like to be able to let go and learn how to meet sane, kind, and stable humans. I know they exist, but have no idea where to find them.
I have found the kind people in the hobbies and interests I have - crafts, studies. My guard is up so high these days, but I have a very, very small quality group of people who I care deeply about and who care about me.
There are good people. I promise, and I understand why you protect yourself so fiercely. You’re worth protecting ♥️
No one asked 🤷♂️
@@GyatRizzler69-of3wl You must be new round here! Welcome to the open forum of the internet.
The lovely thing about it is that we can all share and connect in a bid to relate, or for growth and development.
I do hope you find it useful ♥️
After a lifetime of struggle I'm starting to actually feel like the weight is lifting. Thank you so much for sharing your gift of understanding and healing. Wishing you love and blessings in abundance.
My wife and I are like. Heidi is dropping a new video.
Beautiful, insightful soul. You can tell she has thought extensively about her delivery. It's not just the information she knows as a professional. It's the way its delivered directly to us that struggle with this. Thank You, Heidi! I needed to hear all 10 of these in exactly the way you said it!
Thank you! I have spent way too much time shaming myself for procrastinating, when I was dealing with trauma.
You help me to be healthier, thank you.
Thank you for reaching out and helping me reconnect with my inner child.
This is the most valuable information I’ve ever heard, and I’m 56. Endlessly gratitude.
So sick and tired of all friends trying to convince me that I just have to love my self. They don’t understand how impossible it is. And eventually the get tired of me and the friendship ends.
You're right, it's impossible to just pull a switch and love yourself! Instead, try to be kind to yourself. Try to treat yourself with respect! Even when you made a mistake. Especially when you made a mistake! I'm sure you feel compassion for other people. You are allowed to show the same compassion towards yourself! Really ✨
then go ahead and keep hating yourself , its serving your self pity
It’s always been incredibly weird for me to hear that from “friends.” What makes you think I don’t love myself? There are things I want to get better at, that’s pretty damn loving in my opinion to want to sharpen certain skills. To release shame that I developed about certain aspects of my life and take accountability for my behavior in all areas. How exactly do you see me, because the way you’re talking to me makes me feel like YOU don’t love me and you’re projecting that justification on blaming me.
What they're doing is toxic positivity.
If you don't understand their "shoulds", let go of that. I always have had trouble with that one myself, but eventually came to understand that what is important is compassion. It's like the bridge that connects spirit to emotional healing. Self compassion is the highest form of self love and compassion is something I am good at without realizing that I deprive myself as I was deprived. This was my lesson this week after I listened to a man describe what he has been going through. I wanted to hug him. Awhile later I realized that he had described my life. He was a mirror. But I don't show myself the compassion I felt so strongly for him. He was trying so hard to get better. And yes that's what I do. So now I know what self love looks like. Words of encouragement, appreciation, admiration, and help, patience, even closing your eyes and giving yourself that hug you needed so long ago. And recognizing when oft repeated self expectations are not in your best interests. CPTSD is being connected with CFS, chronic pain, and Fibromyalgia, self expectations that harm us. I always thought my self expectations were admirable. No.
knowing who we are is admirable and comforting too.
6:08 this is the most difficult for me to process because my family has manipulated things to make me appear like the unstable one.
I can't for the life of me understand how anyone could treat someone that way after what they put me through. Every day is a struggle and they continue to victim blame/shame me. I'm readyto start therapy and ready to cut contact for my survival sake and the sake of living a healthy and fulfilled life focused on what I want and deserve, not on others.
I'm an autistic trauma therapist. I love this video. I think it helps to contextualize why people with C-PTSD and autistic people may look very similar, aside from the fact that they are highly comorbid.
This is something I have been trying to figure out for myself actually. I relate to both conditions and am quite sure I have CPTSD, but I also feel I am on the spectrum (based on research I have done over the past year or so) but I can't be too sure ofc...50% of the time I'm sure and 50% of the time I question it. Unfortunately I don't have the resources in my country to seek a diagnosis, so this is the best I got. I'm assuming that once I successfully deal with my CPTSD is when I'll be able to really tell.
I appreciate your comment- i was thinking how it sounds like ASD1 (at least) as well as CPTSD, and it seems pretty rare to grow up with ASD one (I’m highlighting that one because it’s easier to miss than when someone has more challenging features in their autism? But maybe that’s not a valid point…)
Anywho- I think it’s rare to grow up with ASD and not have CPTSD. Especially when it goes undiagnosed.
And I have been trying to sort out if I have both, as well! Can’t afford the assessment so… this helps. Thank you!
There's such a thing as an ausltis
Are you a trauma therapist who is autistic, or do you mean you are a therapist for autistic people who have trauma?
I learned about asd and cptsd about 5 years ago, and they both described me to a tee. I couldn't tell which I'd been struggling with all my life, then realized it's both. I call it traumautism.
Thank You so much for this video! =) I grew up sexually abused and a closeted gay male in Catholic Church called evil, not safe bullied like beat up and called f**got at school and really unsafe at home from an alcoholic CEO father. I became a volunteer crisis sexual assault counselor on the phone. Earned a BS (Bachelor of Science in Psychology) working hospitals and burnt out in city nonprofits trying to save the world so i didn't have to deal with myself. I moved to San Francisco and didn't go on one date or even kiss a person at 25. Now through your videos it makes so much more sense. I've been in therapy since childhood with the best psychologists and psychiatrist, but your videos help in ways that I didn't get elsewhere. You are incredibly talented and I think not so much of the formal training allows you to better communicate things even when reading "The Body Keeps The Score" and the CPTSD book you recommended, but absorb it 10x better through you. Life saving videos and can't thank you so much!🤗
I was a horrible father for years. Finally turned that boat around.
How do I help my kids now? We hug instead of spank and teach instead of punish.
But they spent years with a different reality. So thankful I was able to heal
@turnafraze I wish my father would apologize for the abuse and admit that he himself was really suffering and struggling with his own bullshit and that it wasn't me. He was a hardcore alcoholic when I was growing up, but got sober 10 years ago, and I don't even recognize him anymore. I'm stuck with the memories of my dad from the 1980-90s
@TheRugghead he can't treat the same way if you don't let him.
But he can't treat you differently if you don't let him try
¡Gracias!
This is amazing on so many levels. It is psychoeducation presented so professionally, but it is also kind and compassionate and full of hope.
@5:33 when she said “I’m gunna say it one more time” I was like 😅oop then she went and said it and like I suspected I started crying like a lil baby…❤thank you Heidi. Truly.
I just discovered you as I venture into healing from sexual abuse and battle with CPTSD. What a godsend you are. I am watching and rewatching all your videos. Already you have allowed me to see so many things in a different light. I just wished I got to your warning “don’t try these without a therapist” as I plunder through the CPTSD Workbook and experienced a weekend of hell of constant flashbacks and night terrors.
As a male survivor I felt overlooked and unwelcome from MeToo. I feel very welcome here. Thank you. 🙏
My son is home again, metoo and unfortunately im the trigger cuz retired leo. But 3 yrs now few broken bones bruises yelling etc brealthrough has come and in time he will be himself ready for anything. Persevere is all i can say
I love him and you
I will help if i can
Or go away if i must. Do no harm.
So dude ur lucky u found the voice. Im happy for you, your on the road. Now i m on the road. My sons on the road. Self awareness, you first. I did mantras, mahakatha, then religions, then green mile and here we are. Its gona b jyst fine cuz we have knowledge now, knowledge is power. I wish you the best, here if u want to chat. I can let you chat with son if u both agree. Mite help.
Anywho, grannie here over and out. #loveNLite
Nameste
There's a workbook? Where do I find it?
why am I always in tears less than a minute into all of your videos? After 58 years on this Earth..believing it was always ME while I jumped hurdle after hurdle life threw at me ..jumping like a show horse while dying inside. Thank you Heidi. I've been masking myself my whole life. I'm just now understanding the truth.❤
Another deeply relateable video. Thanks Heidi. When I'm really struggling, I feel like the BIGGEST burden on the people that actually care about me. Then, when I instinctually isolate (to protect them from my negativity and depressed mood), the hope for a better life through the social connections I truly crave withers away. Why does heailing from these deep shame wounds seem so impossible?!
Used to do that, too, for years. Then the crushing weight of pretending made the mask fall off. NGL, the flux of change was not easy to go through and several people known for years could not hang with the fuller expressed me.
My quality of life and feeling authentically my self has improved. You will find your tribe(s). And develop self-love because you are (we each are) worthy of realizing our unique potential-- even in this difficult world.
Check out a good definition of love in 1 Cor 13:4-7 and give it to yourself. Fill your cup! and document your growth by journaling or similar.
Is that disorganized attachment disorder aka fearful avoidant attachment?
I was able to separate myself from my mother very early on, so I was able to resist her concentrated campaign against my self-esteem. I was able to hold a core inside myself of my sense of self.
She was able to affect my self-esteem in some ways, but I was able to resist her methods for the most part.
I finally got myself removed from her custody when I was 15.
And as a result, I don't have the shame that most psychologists say that C-PTSD sufferer is supposed to feel.
I’ve never had someone explain myself in words. But you just said what I am. I just sent it to my girlfriend to let her know if I could explain myself better this is me. She has pointed this out to me. But what you say is what I wish I could say in words. Thank you. Everything thing you say is me. I guess I deal with childhood trauma. I hope I can heal now. Maybe actually build healthy relationships in my life. Which I’ve never really had. I feel people are stuck just dealing with me and I always felt bad for them loving me. I think you could have just changed my life. I’m 44 and this just open my eyes. I feel for me and anyone that tried to love me. I messed a lot of things up.
I have no words to describe how amazing this info is… if someone like me isn’t sure if CPTSD applies to him/her, these 10 things help to identify the behavior that relates to a history for CPTSD. The manner in which Heidi approaches each of the scenarios is so kind and gentle, that it is not painful to hear each one. Rather it was quite a relief to understand what I truly never knew about myself. “ Thank you” is woefully inadequate here. 🙏
Earing this bring such pain, having nearly no one, my family is now a threat. 42 years old no life...
All I can say for now Heidi is thank you, I come from Kenya where most of us can't afford counseling services, so videos like yours are God sent, again thank you.
OMG, I wish I could give this a thousand likes!!! Thank you Heidi for sharing these insights with such clarity. ❤❤❤
Learned helplessness is so tough. I appreciate so much how you explained dissociation into a fantasy world which totally evolved into limerance for me. ❤😮
Your work is fantastic Heidi, thank you
I recently saw the movie, "The Whale" and I related so much when the guys friends nurse would ask him to do something and he would just say "I'm sorry" over and over again. This video explains why that hits home for me when I feel like I literally can't even look at my finances.
Hello again;
At 28:25 in this video you say, “…there are social skills you genuinely missed learning…”
I feel like I may have also rebelled or had some set back in that arena. I had an experience at a family gathering where all were involved because my father attempted harm most aggressively and right in the middle of the gathering against my mother. Attempting or threatening her life with a gun. Very family publicly.
It was a family fourth of July function at his family’s parent’s home.
Nothing happened. They stayed together. It was t discussed. I was 5 yo. I developed stomach problems and learning problems and addiction later.. I forgot it until a few years back.
It was a huge revolution
Thank you for this work and for the content here
Allison
HUGE WOW! I know I have complex PTSI. I'm waiting for my turn to come up for financial help. All my paper work has been accepted. And I'm 81 and hope I can get the procedure before I die. Been in therapy since 19...but nothing has described me and my life as perfectly as you just did. OMG! and it has been my spirit guides that have kept me in this body. This information for a young person...i cry that it wasn't me. How different my life would be. Thank you for bringing this to light for all who have suffered.
As a kid, number 8 was actually explained to me. I was told that me being a quiet person made others think that I didn't like them. But I guess the way it was said to me actually made my shame spiraling and selective mutism worse. It was just another thing I was "doing wrong".