This is perhaps the hardest aspect of an abusive upbringing... accessing our true wants and needs. We get so skilled at doing so for others. Thank you Forrest.
@@lenaccarlsson This sounds so incredibly relatable. I just completely checked out of reality because my parents werent (and still arent) capable of healthy dialogue and nuanced conversation. Everything becomes a problem because my parents do not see that the solution to the issues that we have in the household are all related to the things that remain unsaid. Every word I speak, every action that I do is fuel to the fire because my parents are unable to set reasonable boundaries with themselves and others. I never know when I overstep a line of sorts until it is far, far too late. It got a lot better, but good Lord, my parents are still both avoidant AF.
I just want to chime in and say, that you can identify with symptoms of being parentified and other trauma responses, without having been “abused.” Personally it took me a long time to identify the way my upbringing had caused unhealthy patterns in me, because I felt those were reserved for more “extreme” cases and not for people with overall “happy” childhoods. My parents are great, but in my family I have 2 other special needs siblings. As the “normal” kid with less drama, it was a natural response for me to hide my needs and become unnoticed, because I recognized my siblings had greater needs than I. You could argue my parents should’ve taken notice of me more, which is definitely true but they were just spread too thin at the time. I don’t really blame them for that. For me it was valuable to recognize that all parents will (almost certainly) ‘traumatize’ their kids in some way or other, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad parents, abusive or that we don’t love them. This might seem obvious to some, but it was valuable for me to put into words :)
This!! Even I have had amazing parents but due to different circumstances, I have unmet needs as well. They should have done better, but then again they were first time parents too and they had their own issues, yet they tried their best. So your comment really resonates with me.
Absolutely! My parents did all they could, full of love, out of their own (war) traumas, so they must have passed on to me some of this, and I became very self-sacrificing and attentive to other’s needs. Opening wide my doors to people who perfectly know what they need and how to get it - and incapable to stand up for myself - until recently 😅. So this seems to be my life’s lesson and destiny, to have brought these kids and to learn to stand up for myself.
Mahalo for this wonderful bit of wisdom! Shared it with my husband as we are both working through our childhood trauma from growing up in large dysfunctional families. I’m youngest of 10 he’s 7 of 9. We’re grateful that we recognize what our issues are and we can work on them!! Love BEING WELL with you and your dad talking about so many topics that help us! And then Dr Rick Hanson’s courses on line and every Wednesday have helped us tremendously!! What a gift!! 😇🤙🏼💕
I thought I would offer an example of the 'what did you want from your childhood dream job' question, as I ended up getting pretty lucky with that. I've wanted to make a living as a fiction author since I was 12 (and still do, but of course twenty years down the line I now understand how difficult that actually is). I had some other livings in mind too - marine biologist was one, astronomer was another. I still look into being a lighthouse keeper sometimes. What was clear to me, even very early on in childhood, was that I wanted a job where I could be alone for hours at a stretch without being scolded for being anti-social. So: working on a book, going out on a boat to dive for things to bring back to the marine biology lab, overnight shift at the observatory tracking stars. And I know these are not very accurate descriptions of marine biology or astronomy, but that was what my naive child self thought. What mattered in helping me find a job i liked was understanding what my expectation of it was, not what the job actually was. A degree in biology or astronomy was not out of the question, but I definitely didn't have the spoons or money for it straight out of highschool. So I went into agriculture. I get to be out in the back 40 for most of a day, either alone or with enough of a personal space bubble as to make no difference, either on foot or on a tractor. Tractor days are my favourite. So, yes, definitely try your best to understand what it is you actually want out of a work day. It won't make every day perfect but it can help make work tolerable at least.
GOLD! I’m rediscovering myself after realizing I’ve been married 19 years to a covert narcissist. I’m still alive! It didn’t destroy me! The light in me can still shine! 🎉
Stop. A covert narcissist is a construct of someone that started off trying to give others what they wanted and hoping they would also get what they themselves wanted. But they realized they couldn't get it because the obvious; no one owes you anything, so he came to te conclusion that he had to provide for himself. That's why every woman thinks men are so bad, it's because they don't recognize the changes occurring, very painful yet necessary sacrifices to be made (to survive).
“When a new animal is born, they can very quickly do what will increase their odds of survival like a newborn foal can run a few minutes after birth. What do newborn babies do? Cry. Asking for help is the one thing you were born knowing how to do. If you need, you should do it.”
Tips from my life experience (being through a lot): 1. You can recognize your needs by negative feelings. Negative feelings are just unfulfilled needs. Don't go so much with thinking or asking yourself stuff. The real deal is the feeling. You can only understand the need behind the feeling when you felt through it. Feeling is on the other side of thinking. 2. I love the image that we all have the same needs but we all have different sizes of need-cups. Whatever you've experienced in life can cause one to have a biiig cup for security and that's fine. If someone needs more -fine. If someone needs less. Fine, also. 3. Learn to fulfill your needs from the inside. The more you need the outside world to feel worthy, secure and loved - the more you need situations, people, things etc. in the outside world to feel so. It is like a need-drug. And oh my - who is not in that bad cycle...? See your own successes befor you need a medal from anyone. Sometimes it is way more worthy to learn how to be silent - but who gives a prize for that?
Thank you ❤ how do you fulfil your need for security and safety (due to childhood neglect) from the inside? Isn’t it something that should have been ingrained in us from the outside by our parents? Isn’t it too late?
@@Avaaaw I don't feel it's too late unless you're well into your late 40s... Because chances are, if you're young..you still can change your neural pathways due to neuroplasticity.. Get a community where you're accepted and celebrated the way you are.. and take professional help if necessary.. I'm on the same journey as you...and therapy has personally helped me a lot.
"Feeling is on the other side of thinking." Sick quote buddy (maybe not out of context lol) but the formulation that feelings are an extension of your thoughts and much more accurate is a wonderful message to remember
Manfred Max Neef created a better frame for needs in my opinion and are basically the next: 1. Identity and dignity 2. Health and safety 3. Freedom and confidence 4. Understanding and learning 5. Effort and work 6. Rest and recreation 7. Self-esteem and compassion 8. Connection and participation Like you quoted Maslow these are not in order but simultaneous, it's like juggling.
So interesting. I recently retired. Suddenly I was faced with a stage of life where I could do what I wanted to do. However, I had no idea what that was, I had no idea what I wanted. I had spent my adulthood taking care of family as my top priority and what I wanted had not only taken a backseat but put on such a low priority that I had completely forgotten about them. So, now as a retiree, the first thing I did was try to uncover what those needs, wants are. I did soul searching, journaling, making lists, to figure things out. One thing I did was look back to childhood and teenagerhood to reconnect with my thoughts, wants, dreams at those ages. Not an easy process as the day to day stressful world of work and taking care of family had made me hide away those things so deeply. It’s a process of ‘meet and greet myself again’ of finding myself, of letting myself bloom.
@@DubLightning I’ve moved to a house on the edge of a small town. My house backs up to forestland and through the trees there’s a lake. I’ve put out a bird feeder for the local birds. I’m learning to identify birds. I loved birds as a child and now I get to watch them and have some books so I can read about them. I also have a digital piano and am learning to play piano. I don’t expect that I’ll become excellent at piano but that’s enjoyable. I’m also retaking up writing. I have started a collection of family stories and family history. I’m also helping my 7 year old autistic grandson learn to read, write and do math. Lately I’ve been watching the DNC in Chicago, I’m not very political, but I grew up in Chicago so it’s interesting. I have a gorgeous sunroom with the view of the forest so I enjoy spending time out there. I need to start doing some kind of exercise and there’s lots of places for walking around here. I keep busy! How about you?
I had someone ask what I wanted, this triggered a full panic attack nausea, some dizziness, had to eat food and sit until my thinking was working for me again.... It feels like I was being ambushed because it's a trick question what I want doesnt matter because I can't have it, even if it's as simple as I want a job and I've done all the right things in life to get that job. Rejection is harmful AF and it's changed my mindset over a few harmful years of it. I lost the will to fight for myself.
I wish more people understood this. It’s so hard being a normal human that knows they have needs that require community. People take pride in not needing anyone. I need people and don’t have many in person I can depend on outside of emergencies
I read (was it in seven habits of successful people?) a model of maturity that goes dependent (baby) -> independent (capable) -> interdependent (mature) The last phase means there are things to can't achieve by yourself, so connect with others in a healthy way to achieve them. I was stuck at (2) for so long, finally I learned to ask for help, delegate, etc. Still getting used to that. I have particular individuals in mind that act as models, e.g. a couple I know who produce shows. They can only operate by being effective collaborators with others, being clear about their vision and regularly taking the L on small issues while being firm on the key ones.
Same I thought about everything he said in the vid And i couldn't remember what i used to think like, when i was a kid I don't remember any needs or wants i had at that time Not just that But when he asked "what are the problems you're facing in your life?" I couldn't think of any Not that i don't have problems, i just don't know what they are This is tough but this video still helped me to take a step
I almost feel like I am not worthy of my needs and wants. Or that I am only allowed to have the bare minimum. It’s held me back to pursue my dreams or things I just wanted in my life
You can play music and start a band… at any age… you might not become famous… We can’t control how other people react to us… The real underlying desire is self-expression, something that is available to anyone… :) Thanks for the wonderful insights!! I will search out the Miller book too, sounds interesting…
I also got out of a narcissist relationship recently, after many years, first full of wrath for what was done to me, then sadness about what my life might have been, then astonishment to see my own contribution to all this, and currently heavy work to get over it, find my way back to myself and acknowledge the fact that they only do what they can, everyone, me included. I think I will even need to get rid of some narcissistic fleas… But this video fully shows my current process. So I am not resentful anymore and open to the life that may come. Main problem: what do I really want… Thanks for your great advice!!
Great stuff. But how does one do any of this, with complex trauma? If you spent a lifetime, unknowingly, in survival mode, disconnected from your wants and needs, potentially even from preverbal infancy? If your own parent wasn't competent enough to carry out basic parental functions its a hell of a hard road to sorting this mess out decades later.
@robynparkinson9347 I feel you. I’ve been exploring this in myself especially in the last couple of years, after burning out working with other people who have CPTSD and connection-based trauma. After the initial exhaustion stage, where sometimes just getting out of bed and making tea was enough, I found myself completely at a loss as to what to do with myself. So I went back to the question(s) I would invite clients to reflect on: what brings me alive right now? I really didn’t know. So I tried: what brings me joy? What lights me up? And I let myself write down anything that I thought of. At first I wanted the big stuff, which wasn’t there. But going for a walk, spending time with my cats, watching the birds and the sky, walking by the sea, and going to the local coffee shop, all brought some life into me. So I just let that be where I was, and then I started reflecting on what *used* to bring me joy, what I’d loved previously, before I got into the work I’d been in. Writing was a big one, singing, music, massage, photography. I went and bought myself a fountain pen, and let myself go sit at the coffee shop and just write, and enjoyed that. It’s been over a year, and I am only now beginning to feel like something in me is “thawing” in terms of letting myself start to imagine what might be beyond this, and that there might be something. For those of us with complex trauma; especially the pre-birth and pre-verbal stuff, it can take a lot of space, and compassion, and acceptance, and just allowing ourselves to be wherever we are. Usually those aren’t things we got as kids, or were taught to give to ourselves, so it’s sort of a learning to be compassionate towards ourselves process too. Even now, my wants come to me often very disconnected, like a vague distant image in my mind that I can miss if I’m not really paying attention. It’s like the quietest of voices. And I don’t know if that voice spoke before and I wasn’t listening or able to listen, or if I hadn’t created that quiet and space in me yet to hear her, or if she wasn’t speaking and needed that time and space to feel safe enough and/or desirous enough to do so. All I can say is really trust yourself. Trusting myself, and trusting this sense in me that life knows how to bring itself forth, and is always guiding me towards more aliveness, has helped me go towards more of myself and more healing and opportunities. And you seem like you have some wonderful self awareness too, to have articulated what you have as you did. Sending love
It really is. Feels like ill spend the remaining part of my life trying to heal from my childhood and the progress feels slow. Its crushing to think am destined to move thru the world just surviving. But i look at my parents in thier 70s and i see the alternative. I dont want to b a hungry ghost. So i use my persistence to focus on healing and practise having faith🤞🌞💜
Took me about an hour of writing after this video. Really helped to process some past insecurities that were brewing in the subconscious for a long time. Thank you 🙏
This topic feels really heavy to me. This video is a wonderful resource but I’m noticing I have a lot of resistance to engaging with this kind of information, even though I do want to eventually be able to live a more fulfilling life. I feel pretty conflicted- I want to want to meet my needs, but I don’t know if I actually love and value myself enough to make much progress with this. My feelings on this are so convoluted and conflicting, contradicting at times… I wish navigating this topic didn’t feel so contentious and painful for me.
I really feel you on this. I'm in a similar place... Someone else here said that they feel panicky when really engaging with their wants and needs and dreams, because what's the point? It's never gonna happen anyway. I'm trying to just sit with that hopelessness and have compassion for it. Grieve the hope I used to have. Mourn all the dreams I chased but didn't reach because I self-sabotaged, or used those dreams as escapist fantasies rather than goals. Then... As those feelings slowly move through me... Gather the courage to consider the idea that I actually AM worthy of those things. That I actually CAN go out and find them for myself. I just have to face the terror, embrace the terror, and proceed bravely forward. I've done scarier, more dangerous shit. What's one more adventure into the unknown?
You have just unblocked a huge part of me. I just had an epiphany while you quoted that book and feel like that person was me you're talking about! I always knew that some circumstances from my childhood slowed, frustrated and held me back. I have expectations in friends, colleagues and strangers to behave in a certain way so we can all benefit from each other as a tribe - while I can't express wants and desires above the lowest (physical) layers of Maslow's pyramid. That creates tension and drama while I get even more frustrated. It's like putting on glasses for the first time or.. like finding out that I can't run not because I'm not good at it, but because I have rocks in my boots. Thank you. The journey continues for me.
It explains exactly what I feel in my self searching journey. Since decade ago I noticed that my parents were narcissists and instead of looking for validation and emotional support from them I better build up my independence. Over the years I did achieve my goal but somehow I still felt something was missing. Until early this year I finally realised what I truely want is to be respected as who I really am rather than their expectations cast upon me. I sent a long message to my mom and expressed my frustrations with acting as their "dream child". Although she didn't fully understand my pain but glad that she was willing to look at me from another view. We can learn a lot of theories and develop a series of coping mechanisms, but not until our true needs are fulfilled these issues will always be bugging us. It's important to figure out these true needs, as mentioned in the video, by asking a lot of questions, and fullfill them in a way, so we can let go and move on.
Your video came to me at the perfect time! I just put my resignation in at my job of 7 years because I was feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. I am going to use the questions in this video to help me find out what I truly do enjoy and hope it will clarify the career I should pursue next! THANK YOU!!!
I appreciate how well structured and clear you delivered these abstract topics. Allows more freedom to introspect without fear of losing the videos train of thought
Really good point of taking your childhood dreams and seeing what it is you actually wanted from those dreams and try to find alternative ways to reach those goals. I always wanted to be an author and create worlds that people could enter and live full exciting lives. And I've been kicking my butt for not writing in my adulthood. But I think what I really was seeking was the pportunity to create and feel alive. And I now have others ways of fulffilling those needs.
no, it's not. that's one of the points in this video. there's material support, (un)healthy childhoods, luck, etc. to say anything is possible with "mindset and passion" is reductive and borderline harmful.
The reason I watched this video was to explore my needs... because I had a problem with expressing them. But...how do you express something you don't even know? So thank you for this video! And yeah- the idea of solving the root of the problem flies over a LOT of peoples' heads. You can avoid the problem all you want, but it wont get solved that way. Also, note that the first "reason" you find to solve the root of your problem is usually not the real one! Finding the root takes time, (it's a root after all, you're not going to find it on the surface). Our heads will find the quickest route, and as I said before, your first answer is rarely the right answer.
This is a great vid. Thank you, Forrest! I really appreciate the prompts and the guidance to help 'excavate' and remember my dreams and aspirations from childhood. A big part of my life has been technology and engineering, both professionally and personally. Being a biologist with a medical background, I'm also deeply committed to helping people with successful, fulfilling relationships, and well-being. In my "Third Act", I'm a coach, with training and skills in Internal Family Systems (but not as a therapist). (BTW, a big thumbs-up for your interviews with Dick Schwartz re IFS!) I will work my way through the prompts and meditate to see what else my system wants to remind me of. Cheers!
I’ve been an educator for the past 15 years or so and I really like what I do, but after doing a lot of self discovery over the last couple of years, I came to realize that a lot of the things that drew me into education were some of those defense mechanisms from growing up with an emotionally abusive mother - wanting to be helpful and useful to other people and making personal connections along the way, something that was severely lacking in my relationship with my parents. Hearing you say that sentence in reference to this idea in this video really made that click for me. Had never really thought about this through the lens of satisfying underlying needs. Makes me wonder how many people in service-oriented jobs have a similar story. Great video. Instant sub!
That was so much! than was much better than just to be asked "so tell me what would be a want or need for you?'It is a hard question to answer when you don't have any emotional weight inside you to help highlight them as being authentic.
Eye opening, seeing where I squirmed a bit when you were outlining Safety, Satisfaction and Connection- I was surprised by the area that “spoke” most clearly. I appreciate your work and compassionate delivery of information
It's shocking when you talk about these children's survival strategies... I know both the theory and I have discovered these mechanisms on my own. I feel like you bring a deeper quality to this topic. Feel the truth and at the same time hints for transformation. Beautiful ❤🙏
So relevant in my life . Forest your podcasts have come into my life at such a necessary time . Such wonderful topics and perspectives that I have never really explored though so very needed! Thank you
I just subscribed. Thank you so much for this video! I cant afford formal therapy as a single mom and this is so helpful for my journaling and self connection that I've been trying to work on.
Thankyou. There was a window of time.. a couple of years, long enough after my father died and before a massive trauma derailment in my teenage years at the hands of my adoptive Mother and stepfather. I remember a sense of mastery, a command of myself, a feeling of accomplishment and sense of agency... like being the fastest runner at school at 12 years old 😊 I would like to feel that feeling again now at nearly 58 years old. Is that really possible?
This is excellent. I wrote all of this down and turned it into a journal prompt; I’m currently working my way through the questions. I just happened to find some childhood pictures when I was cleaning out a box of old mementos earlier - came in handy to help with this exercise. I really struggle to determine exactly what my needs are, so I’m hoping this can help me identify them and meet them. Thank you very much for this!
Thank you so much, Forrest! I’m listening to this for the third time and it’s helping me to look at my adult choices more positively. You and your dad are two of my favorite thinkers and I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve given this sensitive person who just wants the world to feel good. :)
Wow.. I have been watching and subscribed to your channel. I am 58 years old, and always in search of information and relief of my psychological and emotional state. I am in awe over your videos. You provide practical and usable information. You are great!
Forrest i just subscribed. great delivery and thoughtful advice. i'm wrestling with a painful old relationship that doesn't meet my needs. understanding my needs is crucial to moving forward (versus acting out my unhappiness.) thanks for pointing in the right direction. looking forward to seeing you again 👀🤔
This spoke to me on so many levels. Before the world got in the way I wanted to be painter and a vet, fortunately I carried on to study art to a degree level. I’m realising now I loved creating beautiful items which brought people joy.
On your point about not "knowing" what we are feeling therefore not understanding what we need and want - I cam across a term recently that describes the phenomena called Alexithymia!
I’m so thankful I was able to find your channel. Your nature, calming voice and sense of understanding is so important. Other self help videos feel overwhelming and chaotic and it feels challenging to try and take their lessons and apply them to myself individually. However you’ve found a way to make it feel welcoming to explore all my challenges and I’m not afraid anymore to discover myself and make changes for the better. Thank you ❤️
I love how you “reframe” …(?) our childhood “lost” dreams into our present (as in… you might not be the rockstar you dreamed of being, but you can still express your rockstar “archetype” (?)in your life.❤
The question about somatic vs cognitive was interesting to ponder! I assumed cognitive right away, as I was a bookish kid who always wanted to hang out with adults. But this prompt helped me remember some of my favorite somatic experiences from childhood: trampolines, climbing trees, and drinking apple juice!
Holy crap.. i haven't even watched this yet but just seeing this recommended is amazing. Had a chat with my therapist last week and came to a realisation that i genuinely can't articulate what my needs are, and couldn't remember the last time i really asked myself about this
This is really helpful. It's so tricky to get in touch with my core self because I was shattered at 5 years old when I was sexually assaulted. I'm 26 now and still hardly know what I want in life, I don't know how to identify my needs and wants, I was always following other people's advice. I do remember people telling me that I was an extroverted, bright, and confident kid when I was 4. Still trying to find that in myself again.
This video's subject matter genuinely speaks to me, as I've realized now I was forced to be parentified to help my single mom take care of my younger siblings, which was made even worse by my ADHD, autism, depression, and anxiety. I think this video will help me a little further down the healing path.
I guess with our emphasis on finding truth, though that is a valid need, it has caused us to be so focused on the doctrine rather than the joys of the soul.
The way you thoroughly walk through the whole process is really helpful. I thought I'd stayed in touch with my inner child but you dredged up memories of how much I loved writing and illustrating stories when I was a kid. I havent done any creative writing in many years. Maybe it's time to pick that up again.
Lol apparently I was trying to take care of my mom when I was 2. If I've been parentified since before I started forming memories, I don't think there ever was a me that was connected with my needs
I was diagnosed with asperger's at six years old (so likely autism level 1 now) and was born into a family of Jehovah's Witnesses, basically a conservative Christian church with a high enough level of cultural control that you might call it a cult. I absorbed it's messages more deeply than my parents ever did (they treated me well actually), and I learned to "sour grapes" my way out of anything I wanted for myself and tell myself that I was broken (and not just because lf the autism). That, on top of the near-constant little t trauma that we autistic people seem to all experience. I've wasted about a decade since High School continuing to do this, delaying any attempt at pursuing the life that I want despite the reasons for that defense mechanism being long gone. Point is, thanks for this, I'm trying to rebuild my life (It's gonna be so, so, SO much better) and this came at the right time.
ADHDer here and it’s exhausting ! It’s frustrating believing you can do everything all the time all at once then being faced with reality. It’s depressing 😅
AIN'T THIS HERE " ZURCUBIC" MIND AND HEART MESS A BALL 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩👻💩!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY, WHEN AS A CHILD...NO HINT OR CLUE " YOU'VE GOT A PIT TO CLIMB OUT OF, FIRST" BUDDY, BEFORE YOU CAN REACH YOUR PALACE!!!!!🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😳😳😳😳😳😧😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You don’t need to figure it all out at once, during a single session. You can ask yourself a question every day, for example. Take your time and let everything come to you naturally.
I always thought my upbringing was normal, that everyone went through life the way I did. Thinking of seeing me as a child and the reasons I did things has me in tears. I'm so happy to realize I can start building myself into the person I know I've deserved to be even if it's way later in life than I should've
Really great video and excellent topic. I watched on my phone and took screenshots of all the good questions so I can journal about them. And glad for the Maslow correction - I understand his work was largely based on Indigenous philosophy that as an infant you were born self actualized and transforming into adult was the responsibility of the community so that eventually the child would also grow up and give back to the community. Certainly a lot to consider about how meeting our needs is an interdependent and co-creative process. Thanks so much for all the great insights! Your content is both valued and appreciated!
Thankyou so much Forrest. I am feeling really good within myself for the first time for a long, long time, through have listened to you here. I cannot thankyou enough. I mean that. I will practice reminding myself of what you have said here. Such a fulfilling feeling within me . Wow. Cheers, John (Australia)
Thank you, Forrest. You are such a gifted communicator. It is always a pleasure and very insightful listening to you. All the best to you and your family.
This was really helpful! "Safety, satisfaction, security", definitely worth examining. I'm remembering my dreams from childhood and will look at the elements of them that I might be able to manifest in my life now. (Even at 67, it's not too late! ) Thank you.
A real gem vdo 💎 It's really deep & profound It has such great nuggets of wisdom that that it can't be digested & integrated in one go After breaking it into little chunks , making notes & working on it I'm realising how precious it is & how helpful as well coz it highlights the blindspots & missing puzzle pieces of our inner work & the journey of a seeker I would like to share how happy I felt by slowly uncovering & discovering about who I am in all authenticity My deep core needs , values & just knowing oneself it's a rare gift😌💗 Deeply grateful to you ❤ Love ur work😘🥰❤️✨ May u be blessed 👼✨😇
Wonderfully put. Keep on speaking if u can, on the subjects you brought up. Some of us have been taking care of our needs in any way we can but mostly caring for others.. also resentment and anxiety ..
Your videos have been so help. I've been having a hard time figuring out what my wants and needs are. This framework is great so I can give these things to myself and finally get a better understanding of who I am. Thank you!
I wanted to become "Mulan" Looking back, I believe it's because I wanted to be independent and strong in a culture and in a dysfunctional family where success only matters as a man.
I am sooooo thankful to have found this channel. I have learned so much from your content and felt less alone. Thank you for what you do! Please tell Elizabeth that her sharing her story makes me feel less alone and that I am super thankful to her too. :)
i really appreciate the way you describe the origins of these difficulties with nuance and neutrality. there are so many ways folks can come to a similar internal experience and identifying how you got to where you are is a key part of emotional growth. your approach doesnt pathologize or demonize and doesnt assume trauma, which lets me approach my experience with gentleness and an open mind. thank you!
This might seem random but... I CANNOT stop obsessing and ruminating and I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this and I need to get it off my chest (and I'm also willing to read responses, if anyone feels called to respond...) I had a HORRIBLE therapist HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE the worst but here's the thing... it's twofold: 1) he's wildly successful (and I can't for the life of me figure out why or how) 2) I saw him for almost all of 2023, I was so traumatized when I went to see him, that I just kept going, because I had nowhere else to turn... In the end, he really fucked me up. Instead of helping me, he traumatized me further. It's over 6 months now, and I can't stop obsessing over how he's traumatized me, and all the money I wasted, etc. etc. I can file a formal complaint. But the process seems long and arduous, and brings me no particular benefits... It's just that I can use my voice, and he can potentially get reprimanded... But if I do this I have to do it soon... I don't know what to do? Any thoughts, anyone?
Forrest, this was great. I love the prompts for journaling and self exploration. Great topic and it was a different format from your normal podcasts with Rick but I still love it just the same. Thank you for what you do for others. You are living your dharma and I am grateful!
Thank you for representing Maslow correctly! That silly pyramid/ladder is at best a simplification, and at worst can make someone more judgemental than understanding.
Thank you this video really made me think about my needs and I just find out that I can not remember a think I wanted when I was younger it's just blank (I have a good memory but when it comes to myself it's like I know nothing I can't remember a single thing that I wanted)
" America was built in a cultural myth of rugged individualism that glorify Self reliance and personal autonomy. Where dépendance is seen as a weakness when actually it is not." Well said
I have an exercise where i list my desires, in order of importance, and I'm discovering that it's going to take some time and effort to determine these things... Hopefully this will give me a push in the right direction🙏🏼
A really clear, insightful , and engaging video. You’re naturally very encouraging, and ask wonderful, meaningful questions. Enough of them to get just a bite…that gets someone hooked into deep reflection 😊
❤ we all only exist in this form for a period of time because universal elements allow us to the sun energized world 🌍 so I believe we need to look to the bigger universal picture for inspiration thanks Forrest love Colin ❤
If I could like this video 10 times I would. Thank you! Very first video I have watched but have been listening to the podcast for a while. Instant subscribe 😊
This is perhaps the hardest aspect of an abusive upbringing... accessing our true wants and needs. We get so skilled at doing so for others. Thank you Forrest.
I used to day dream and write short stories as a way of escaping. Maybe you did too? There might be clues there, if you did ♥
@@lenaccarlsson This sounds so incredibly relatable. I just completely checked out of reality because my parents werent (and still arent) capable of healthy dialogue and nuanced conversation.
Everything becomes a problem because my parents do not see that the solution to the issues that we have in the household are all related to the things that remain unsaid. Every word I speak, every action that I do is fuel to the fire because my parents are unable to set reasonable boundaries with themselves and others. I never know when I overstep a line of sorts until it is far, far too late.
It got a lot better, but good Lord, my parents are still both avoidant AF.
@@lenaccarlsson me too. no idea what to do with that information now though.
I just want to chime in and say, that you can identify with symptoms of being parentified and other trauma responses, without having been “abused.”
Personally it took me a long time to identify the way my upbringing had caused unhealthy patterns in me, because I felt those were reserved for more “extreme” cases and not for people with overall “happy” childhoods. My parents are great, but in my family I have 2 other special needs siblings. As the “normal” kid with less drama, it was a natural response for me to hide my needs and become unnoticed, because I recognized my siblings had greater needs than I.
You could argue my parents should’ve taken notice of me more, which is definitely true but they were just spread too thin at the time. I don’t really blame them for that.
For me it was valuable to recognize that all parents will (almost certainly) ‘traumatize’ their kids in some way or other, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad parents, abusive or that we don’t love them. This might seem obvious to some, but it was valuable for me to put into words :)
This!! Even I have had amazing parents but due to different circumstances, I have unmet needs as well.
They should have done better, but then again they were first time parents too and they had their own issues, yet they tried their best.
So your comment really resonates with me.
For sure
Absolutely! My parents did all they could, full of love, out of their own (war) traumas, so they must have passed on to me some of this, and I became very self-sacrificing and attentive to other’s needs. Opening wide my doors to people who perfectly know what they need and how to get it - and incapable to stand up for myself - until recently 😅. So this seems to be my life’s lesson and destiny, to have brought these kids and to learn to stand up for myself.
A na
Mahalo for this wonderful bit of wisdom! Shared it with my husband as we are both working through our childhood trauma from growing up in large dysfunctional families. I’m youngest of 10 he’s 7 of 9. We’re grateful that we recognize what our issues are and we can work on them!! Love BEING WELL with you and your dad talking about so many topics that help us! And then Dr Rick Hanson’s courses on line and every Wednesday have helped us tremendously!! What a gift!! 😇🤙🏼💕
I thought I would offer an example of the 'what did you want from your childhood dream job' question, as I ended up getting pretty lucky with that. I've wanted to make a living as a fiction author since I was 12 (and still do, but of course twenty years down the line I now understand how difficult that actually is). I had some other livings in mind too - marine biologist was one, astronomer was another. I still look into being a lighthouse keeper sometimes. What was clear to me, even very early on in childhood, was that I wanted a job where I could be alone for hours at a stretch without being scolded for being anti-social. So: working on a book, going out on a boat to dive for things to bring back to the marine biology lab, overnight shift at the observatory tracking stars. And I know these are not very accurate descriptions of marine biology or astronomy, but that was what my naive child self thought. What mattered in helping me find a job i liked was understanding what my expectation of it was, not what the job actually was. A degree in biology or astronomy was not out of the question, but I definitely didn't have the spoons or money for it straight out of highschool. So I went into agriculture. I get to be out in the back 40 for most of a day, either alone or with enough of a personal space bubble as to make no difference, either on foot or on a tractor. Tractor days are my favourite. So, yes, definitely try your best to understand what it is you actually want out of a work day. It won't make every day perfect but it can help make work tolerable at least.
love this
Very insightful
GOLD! I’m rediscovering myself after realizing I’ve been married 19 years to a covert narcissist. I’m still alive! It didn’t destroy me! The light in me can still shine! 🎉
I feel your pain. Congratulations 🎉 it’s a difficult road!
Can't lie to someone that didn't want to be lied to.
So many men are ruined by society to become narcissist and hurt others
Me too I realised after 27 years.
Stop. A covert narcissist is a construct of someone that started off trying to give others what they wanted and hoping they would also get what they themselves wanted. But they realized they couldn't get it because the obvious; no one owes you anything, so he came to te conclusion that he had to provide for himself. That's why every woman thinks men are so bad, it's because they don't recognize the changes occurring, very painful yet necessary sacrifices to be made (to survive).
“When a new animal is born, they can very quickly do what will increase their odds of survival like a newborn foal can run a few minutes after birth. What do newborn babies do? Cry. Asking for help is the one thing you were born knowing how to do. If you need, you should do it.”
Tips from my life experience (being through a lot):
1. You can recognize your needs by negative feelings. Negative feelings are just unfulfilled needs. Don't go so much with thinking or asking yourself stuff. The real deal is the feeling. You can only understand the need behind the feeling when you felt through it. Feeling is on the other side of thinking.
2. I love the image that we all have the same needs but we all have different sizes of need-cups. Whatever you've experienced in life can cause one to have a biiig cup for security and that's fine. If someone needs more -fine. If someone needs less. Fine, also.
3. Learn to fulfill your needs from the inside. The more you need the outside world to feel worthy, secure and loved - the more you need situations, people, things etc. in the outside world to feel so. It is like a need-drug. And oh my - who is not in that bad cycle...? See your own successes befor you need a medal from anyone. Sometimes it is way more worthy to learn how to be silent - but who gives a prize for that?
Thank you ❤ how do you fulfil your need for security and safety (due to childhood neglect) from the inside? Isn’t it something that should have been ingrained in us from the outside by our parents? Isn’t it too late?
I loved your 2nd point. Thank you for sharing your thoughts ❤
@@Avaaaw I don't feel it's too late unless you're well into your late 40s... Because chances are, if you're young..you still can change your neural pathways due to neuroplasticity..
Get a community where you're accepted and celebrated the way you are.. and take professional help if necessary.. I'm on the same journey as you...and therapy has personally helped me a lot.
"Feeling is on the other side of thinking." Sick quote buddy (maybe not out of context lol) but the formulation that feelings are an extension of your thoughts and much more accurate is a wonderful message to remember
Great insight, love the wisdom 🙏
Manfred Max Neef created a better frame for needs in my opinion and are basically the next:
1. Identity and dignity
2. Health and safety
3. Freedom and confidence
4. Understanding and learning
5. Effort and work
6. Rest and recreation
7. Self-esteem and compassion
8. Connection and participation
Like you quoted Maslow these are not in order but simultaneous, it's like juggling.
So interesting. I recently retired. Suddenly I was faced with a stage of life where I could do what I wanted to do. However, I had no idea what that was, I had no idea what I wanted. I had spent my adulthood taking care of family as my top priority and what I wanted had not only taken a backseat but put on such a low priority that I had completely forgotten about them. So, now as a retiree, the first thing I did was try to uncover what those needs, wants are. I did soul searching, journaling, making lists, to figure things out. One thing I did was look back to childhood and teenagerhood to reconnect with my thoughts, wants, dreams at those ages. Not an easy process as the day to day stressful world of work and taking care of family had made me hide away those things so deeply. It’s a process of ‘meet and greet myself again’ of finding myself, of letting myself bloom.
what have you settled into doing?
@@DubLightning I’ve moved to a house on the edge of a small town. My house backs up to forestland and through the trees there’s a lake. I’ve put out a bird feeder for the local birds. I’m learning to identify birds. I loved birds as a child and now I get to watch them and have some books so I can read about them. I also have a digital piano and am learning to play piano. I don’t expect that I’ll become excellent at piano but that’s enjoyable. I’m also retaking up writing. I have started a collection of family stories and family history. I’m also helping my 7 year old autistic grandson learn to read, write and do math. Lately I’ve been watching the DNC in Chicago, I’m not very political, but I grew up in Chicago so it’s interesting. I have a gorgeous sunroom with the view of the forest so I enjoy spending time out there. I need to start doing some kind of exercise and there’s lots of places for walking around here. I keep busy! How about you?
I had someone ask what I wanted, this triggered a full panic attack nausea, some dizziness, had to eat food and sit until my thinking was working for me again.... It feels like I was being ambushed because it's a trick question what I want doesnt matter because I can't have it, even if it's as simple as I want a job and I've done all the right things in life to get that job. Rejection is harmful AF and it's changed my mindset over a few harmful years of it. I lost the will to fight for myself.
I wish more people understood this. It’s so hard being a normal human that knows they have needs that require community. People take pride in not needing anyone. I need people and don’t have many in person I can depend on outside of emergencies
I read (was it in seven habits of successful people?) a model of maturity that goes dependent (baby) -> independent (capable) -> interdependent (mature)
The last phase means there are things to can't achieve by yourself, so connect with others in a healthy way to achieve them.
I was stuck at (2) for so long, finally I learned to ask for help, delegate, etc. Still getting used to that. I have particular individuals in mind that act as models, e.g. a couple I know who produce shows. They can only operate by being effective collaborators with others, being clear about their vision and regularly taking the L on small issues while being firm on the key ones.
Wanna be friends ?
So well-framed. I accessed my inner 7 yr old. Got my answers. Now to the journal. Thank you.
I love this topic because I have a bit of a fear of having needs.
This is a very, very common experience for people. It's gotten easier with practice, but I still struggle to express myself sometimes.
Same
I thought about everything he said in the vid
And i couldn't remember what i used to think like, when i was a kid
I don't remember any needs or wants i had at that time
Not just that
But when he asked "what are the problems you're facing in your life?" I couldn't think of any
Not that i don't have problems, i just don't know what they are
This is tough but this video still helped me to take a step
I think you would find great relief in listening to Marshall Rosenberg's NVC Training 1-9. It's on RUclips for free!
@@hardyharharv ...actually, Marshall Rosenberg was renowned as developer of NVC.
I almost feel like I am not worthy of my needs and wants. Or that I am only allowed to have the bare minimum. It’s held me back to pursue my dreams or things I just wanted in my life
You can play music and start a band… at any age… you might not become famous…
We can’t control how other people react to us…
The real underlying desire is self-expression, something that is available to anyone… :)
Thanks for the wonderful insights!!
I will search out the Miller book too, sounds interesting…
I also got out of a narcissist relationship recently, after many years, first full of wrath for what was done to me, then sadness about what my life might have been, then astonishment to see my own contribution to all this, and currently heavy work to get over it, find my way back to myself and acknowledge the fact that they only do what they can, everyone, me included. I think I will even need to get rid of some narcissistic fleas… But this video fully shows my current process. So I am not resentful anymore and open to the life that may come. Main problem: what do I really want… Thanks for your great advice!!
This video resulted in an aha moment. It describes exactly how it felt but could not explain my life. I parented my parents and my siblings.
Great stuff. But how does one do any of this, with complex trauma? If you spent a lifetime, unknowingly, in survival mode, disconnected from your wants and needs, potentially even from preverbal infancy? If your own parent wasn't competent enough to carry out basic parental functions its a hell of a hard road to sorting this mess out decades later.
THIS.
@robynparkinson9347 I feel you. I’ve been exploring this in myself especially in the last couple of years, after burning out working with other people who have CPTSD and connection-based trauma. After the initial exhaustion stage, where sometimes just getting out of bed and making tea was enough, I found myself completely at a loss as to what to do with myself. So I went back to the question(s) I would invite clients to reflect on: what brings me alive right now?
I really didn’t know. So I tried: what brings me joy? What lights me up? And I let myself write down anything that I thought of. At first I wanted the big stuff, which wasn’t there. But going for a walk, spending time with my cats, watching the birds and the sky, walking by the sea, and going to the local coffee shop, all brought some life into me. So I just let that be where I was, and then I started reflecting on what *used* to bring me joy, what I’d loved previously, before I got into the work I’d been in. Writing was a big one, singing, music, massage, photography. I went and bought myself a fountain pen, and let myself go sit at the coffee shop and just write, and enjoyed that.
It’s been over a year, and I am only now beginning to feel like something in me is “thawing” in terms of letting myself start to imagine what might be beyond this, and that there might be something.
For those of us with complex trauma; especially the pre-birth and pre-verbal stuff, it can take a lot of space, and compassion, and acceptance, and just allowing ourselves to be wherever we are. Usually those aren’t things we got as kids, or were taught to give to ourselves, so it’s sort of a learning to be compassionate towards ourselves process too.
Even now, my wants come to me often very disconnected, like a vague distant image in my mind that I can miss if I’m not really paying attention. It’s like the quietest of voices. And I don’t know if that voice spoke before and I wasn’t listening or able to listen, or if I hadn’t created that quiet and space in me yet to hear her, or if she wasn’t speaking and needed that time and space to feel safe enough and/or desirous enough to do so.
All I can say is really trust yourself. Trusting myself, and trusting this sense in me that life knows how to bring itself forth, and is always guiding me towards more aliveness, has helped me go towards more of myself and more healing and opportunities. And you seem like you have some wonderful self awareness too, to have articulated what you have as you did. Sending love
It really is. Feels like ill spend the remaining part of my life trying to heal from my childhood and the progress feels slow. Its crushing to think am destined to move thru the world just surviving. But i look at my parents in thier 70s and i see the alternative. I dont want to b a hungry ghost. So i use my persistence to focus on healing and practise having faith🤞🌞💜
Read the power of now. Trust me on this
Body-based somatic practices to feel safe in your body and move out of survival mode
It's helpful to hear the 3 needs that Rick identified: safety, satisfaction and connection.
Took me about an hour of writing after this video. Really helped to process some past insecurities that were brewing in the subconscious for a long time. Thank you 🙏
This topic feels really heavy to me. This video is a wonderful resource but I’m noticing I have a lot of resistance to engaging with this kind of information, even though I do want to eventually be able to live a more fulfilling life. I feel pretty conflicted- I want to want to meet my needs, but I don’t know if I actually love and value myself enough to make much progress with this.
My feelings on this are so convoluted and conflicting, contradicting at times… I wish navigating this topic didn’t feel so contentious and painful for me.
I really feel you on this. I'm in a similar place... Someone else here said that they feel panicky when really engaging with their wants and needs and dreams, because what's the point? It's never gonna happen anyway.
I'm trying to just sit with that hopelessness and have compassion for it. Grieve the hope I used to have. Mourn all the dreams I chased but didn't reach because I self-sabotaged, or used those dreams as escapist fantasies rather than goals.
Then... As those feelings slowly move through me... Gather the courage to consider the idea that I actually AM worthy of those things. That I actually CAN go out and find them for myself. I just have to face the terror, embrace the terror, and proceed bravely forward. I've done scarier, more dangerous shit. What's one more adventure into the unknown?
I watched the video until the end and have saved it for a future rewatch.
You have just unblocked a huge part of me. I just had an epiphany while you quoted that book and feel like that person was me you're talking about! I always knew that some circumstances from my childhood slowed, frustrated and held me back. I have expectations in friends, colleagues and strangers to behave in a certain way so we can all benefit from each other as a tribe - while I can't express wants and desires above the lowest (physical) layers of Maslow's pyramid. That creates tension and drama while I get even more frustrated. It's like putting on glasses for the first time or.. like finding out that I can't run not because I'm not good at it, but because I have rocks in my boots.
Thank you. The journey continues for me.
It explains exactly what I feel in my self searching journey.
Since decade ago I noticed that my parents were narcissists and instead of looking for validation and emotional support from them I better build up my independence. Over the years I did achieve my goal but somehow I still felt something was missing. Until early this year I finally realised what I truely want is to be respected as who I really am rather than their expectations cast upon me. I sent a long message to my mom and expressed my frustrations with acting as their "dream child". Although she didn't fully understand my pain but glad that she was willing to look at me from another view.
We can learn a lot of theories and develop a series of coping mechanisms, but not until our true needs are fulfilled these issues will always be bugging us. It's important to figure out these true needs, as mentioned in the video, by asking a lot of questions, and fullfill them in a way, so we can let go and move on.
Your video came to me at the perfect time! I just put my resignation in at my job of 7 years because I was feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. I am going to use the questions in this video to help me find out what I truly do enjoy and hope it will clarify the career I should pursue next! THANK YOU!!!
FYI, you might also want to look into getting a vocational therapist.
This kind of talk should be normalized in our society! ❤ So many people are out of touch with their true SELF.
I appreciate how well structured and clear you delivered these abstract topics. Allows more freedom to introspect without fear of losing the videos train of thought
Thanks Forrest for another great offering. You have such a gift for making complexity manageable. I appreciate you!
Really good point of taking your childhood dreams and seeing what it is you actually wanted from those dreams and try to find alternative ways to reach those goals. I always wanted to be an author and create worlds that people could enter and live full exciting lives. And I've been kicking my butt for not writing in my adulthood. But I think what I really was seeking was the pportunity to create and feel alive. And I now have others ways of fulffilling those needs.
I like this video. It reminds me of a quote by Terence McKenna.
He once said "Culture is not your friend".
He was right.
When i was a kid i wanted to be a rockstar , today im a rock star. Its all mindset and passion
no, it's not. that's one of the points in this video. there's material support, (un)healthy childhoods, luck, etc. to say anything is possible with "mindset and passion" is reductive and borderline harmful.
@@derp-x3j that’s your belief and your reality. I respect that 🙏
When you started the symptoms of lacking in each of the needs, the "all the of above" option lit up in my mind
The reason I watched this video was to explore my needs... because I had a problem with expressing them. But...how do you express something you don't even know? So thank you for this video! And yeah- the idea of solving the root of the problem flies over a LOT of peoples' heads. You can avoid the problem all you want, but it wont get solved that way. Also, note that the first "reason" you find to solve the root of your problem is usually not the real one! Finding the root takes time, (it's a root after all, you're not going to find it on the surface). Our heads will find the quickest route, and as I said before, your first answer is rarely the right answer.
This is a great vid. Thank you, Forrest! I really appreciate the prompts and the guidance to help 'excavate' and remember my dreams and aspirations from childhood. A big part of my life has been technology and engineering, both professionally and personally. Being a biologist with a medical background, I'm also deeply committed to helping people with successful, fulfilling relationships, and well-being. In my "Third Act", I'm a coach, with training and skills in Internal Family Systems (but not as a therapist). (BTW, a big thumbs-up for your interviews with Dick Schwartz re IFS!) I will work my way through the prompts and meditate to see what else my system wants to remind me of. Cheers!
I’ve been an educator for the past 15 years or so and I really like what I do, but after doing a lot of self discovery over the last couple of years, I came to realize that a lot of the things that drew me into education were some of those defense mechanisms from growing up with an emotionally abusive mother - wanting to be helpful and useful to other people and making personal connections along the way, something that was severely lacking in my relationship with my parents. Hearing you say that sentence in reference to this idea in this video really made that click for me. Had never really thought about this through the lens of satisfying underlying needs. Makes me wonder how many people in service-oriented jobs have a similar story. Great video. Instant sub!
That was so much! than was much better than just to be asked "so tell me what would be a want or need for you?'It is a hard question to answer when you don't have any emotional weight inside you to help highlight them as being authentic.
Eye opening, seeing where I squirmed a bit when you were outlining Safety, Satisfaction and Connection- I was surprised by the area that “spoke” most clearly. I appreciate your work and compassionate delivery of information
Thank you!
It's shocking when you talk about these children's survival strategies... I know both the theory and I have discovered these mechanisms on my own. I feel like you bring a deeper quality to this topic. Feel the truth and at the same time hints for transformation. Beautiful ❤🙏
So relevant in my life . Forest your podcasts have come into my life at such a necessary time . Such wonderful topics and perspectives that I have never really explored though so very needed! Thank you
I just subscribed. Thank you so much for this video! I cant afford formal therapy as a single mom and this is so helpful for my journaling and self connection that I've been trying to work on.
Thankyou. There was a window of time.. a couple of years, long enough after my father died and before a massive trauma derailment in my teenage years at the hands of my adoptive Mother and stepfather. I remember a sense of mastery, a command of myself, a feeling of accomplishment and sense of agency... like being the fastest runner at school at 12 years old 😊 I would like to feel that feeling again now at nearly 58 years old. Is that really possible?
This is excellent. I wrote all of this down and turned it into a journal prompt; I’m currently working my way through the questions. I just happened to find some childhood pictures when I was cleaning out a box of old mementos earlier - came in handy to help with this exercise. I really struggle to determine exactly what my needs are, so I’m hoping this can help me identify them and meet them. Thank you very much for this!
Forrest you and your father are so patient and kind
How I wish your compassion could be spread everywhere in this human-created violent world
😞🙏💚
Good LORD, that first framework was huge for me. I've been dealing with having unmet safety and satisfaction needs for a bit
Thank you so much, Forrest! I’m listening to this for the third time and it’s helping me to look at my adult choices more positively. You and your dad are two of my favorite thinkers and I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve given this sensitive person who just wants the world to feel good. :)
Wow.. I have been watching and subscribed to your channel. I am 58 years old, and always in search of information and relief of my psychological and emotional state. I am in awe over your videos. You provide practical and usable information. You are great!
Forrest i just subscribed. great delivery and thoughtful advice. i'm wrestling with a painful old relationship that doesn't meet my needs. understanding my needs is crucial to moving forward (versus acting out my unhappiness.) thanks for pointing in the right direction. looking forward to seeing you again 👀🤔
You are a great teacher. Your voice is also very soothing. Thank you so much.
This spoke to me on so many levels. Before the world got in the way I wanted to be painter and a vet, fortunately I carried on to study art to a degree level. I’m realising now I loved creating beautiful items which brought people joy.
On your point about not "knowing" what we are feeling therefore not understanding what we need and want - I cam across a term recently that describes the phenomena called Alexithymia!
Great Helpful content. Thank you for sharing your work. And I appreciate the tone of your voice which creates a calming and réceptive atmosphère.
I appreciate that
I’m so thankful I was able to find your channel. Your nature, calming voice and sense of understanding is so important. Other self help videos feel overwhelming and chaotic and it feels challenging to try and take their lessons and apply them to myself individually. However you’ve found a way to make it feel welcoming to explore all my challenges and I’m not afraid anymore to discover myself and make changes for the better. Thank you ❤️
I love how you “reframe” …(?) our childhood “lost” dreams into our present (as in… you might not be the rockstar you dreamed of being, but you can still express your rockstar “archetype” (?)in your life.❤
Thanks for framing it as a gift.
The question about somatic vs cognitive was interesting to ponder! I assumed cognitive right away, as I was a bookish kid who always wanted to hang out with adults. But this prompt helped me remember some of my favorite somatic experiences from childhood: trampolines, climbing trees, and drinking apple juice!
I appreciate all that you do! I'm still a work in progress but your work really helps!
Holy crap.. i haven't even watched this yet but just seeing this recommended is amazing. Had a chat with my therapist last week and came to a realisation that i genuinely can't articulate what my needs are, and couldn't remember the last time i really asked myself about this
This is really helpful. It's so tricky to get in touch with my core self because I was shattered at 5 years old when I was sexually assaulted. I'm 26 now and still hardly know what I want in life, I don't know how to identify my needs and wants, I was always following other people's advice. I do remember people telling me that I was an extroverted, bright, and confident kid when I was 4. Still trying to find that in myself again.
This video's subject matter genuinely speaks to me, as I've realized now I was forced to be parentified to help my single mom take care of my younger siblings, which was made even worse by my ADHD, autism, depression, and anxiety. I think this video will help me a little further down the healing path.
I guess with our emphasis on finding truth, though that is a valid need, it has caused us to be so focused on the doctrine rather than the joys of the soul.
The way you thoroughly walk through the whole process is really helpful. I thought I'd stayed in touch with my inner child but you dredged up memories of how much I loved writing and illustrating stories when I was a kid. I havent done any creative writing in many years. Maybe it's time to pick that up again.
Lol apparently I was trying to take care of my mom when I was 2. If I've been parentified since before I started forming memories, I don't think there ever was a me that was connected with my needs
I was diagnosed with asperger's at six years old (so likely autism level 1 now) and was born into a family of Jehovah's Witnesses, basically a conservative Christian church with a high enough level of cultural control that you might call it a cult. I absorbed it's messages more deeply than my parents ever did (they treated me well actually), and I learned to "sour grapes" my way out of anything I wanted for myself and tell myself that I was broken (and not just because lf the autism). That, on top of the near-constant little t trauma that we autistic people seem to all experience. I've wasted about a decade since High School continuing to do this, delaying any attempt at pursuing the life that I want despite the reasons for that defense mechanism being long gone.
Point is, thanks for this, I'm trying to rebuild my life (It's gonna be so, so, SO much better) and this came at the right time.
Try being ADHD figuring out what I won’t half the time and being accurate about what I want is complicated 😅
ADHDer here and it’s exhausting ! It’s frustrating believing you can do everything all the time all at once then being faced with reality. It’s depressing 😅
AIN'T THIS HERE " ZURCUBIC" MIND AND HEART MESS A BALL 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩👻💩!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY, WHEN AS A CHILD...NO HINT OR CLUE " YOU'VE GOT A PIT TO CLIMB OUT OF, FIRST" BUDDY, BEFORE YOU CAN REACH YOUR PALACE!!!!!🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😳😳😳😳😳😧😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You don’t need to figure it all out at once, during a single session. You can ask yourself a question every day, for example. Take your time and let everything come to you naturally.
@@Levanoooyou missed the point of ADHD.
Just subbed! When I was young, I wanted to be a veterinarian. I have owned my own pet sitting business for over a decade
I always thought my upbringing was normal, that everyone went through life the way I did. Thinking of seeing me as a child and the reasons I did things has me in tears. I'm so happy to realize I can start building myself into the person I know I've deserved to be even if it's way later in life than I should've
Really great video and excellent topic. I watched on my phone and took screenshots of all the good questions so I can journal about them. And glad for the Maslow correction - I understand his work was largely based on Indigenous philosophy that as an infant you were born self actualized and transforming into adult was the responsibility of the community so that eventually the child would also grow up and give back to the community. Certainly a lot to consider about how meeting our needs is an interdependent and co-creative process.
Thanks so much for all the great insights! Your content is both valued and appreciated!
Thankyou so much Forrest. I am feeling really good within myself for the first time for a long, long time, through have listened to you here. I cannot thankyou enough. I mean that. I will practice reminding myself of what you have said here. Such a fulfilling feeling within me . Wow. Cheers, John (Australia)
Really appreciate that John, I'm glad it was so helpful.
Thanks Forrest I really like the tone of your conversations. Authentic to the point and calm. Very useful. Thanks.
Thank you, Forrest. You are such a gifted communicator. It is always a pleasure and very insightful listening to you. All the best to you and your family.
Thank you!
This was super insightful with clear instructions for deeper inner work. Thank you.❤
Of all of the research I've done to try and help myself this has been the most helpful video to come across. Thank you!
I wish more people could watch this video.
This was really helpful! "Safety, satisfaction, security", definitely worth examining. I'm remembering my dreams from childhood and will look at the elements of them that I might be able to manifest in my life now. (Even at 67, it's not too late! ) Thank you.
This video was so educational. I had no idea that Maslow's hierarchy wasn't originally in pyramid format! So fascinating. Thank you!
A real gem vdo 💎
It's really deep & profound
It has such great nuggets of wisdom that that it can't be digested & integrated in one go
After breaking it into little chunks , making notes & working on it
I'm realising how precious it is & how helpful as well coz it highlights the blindspots & missing puzzle pieces of our inner work & the journey of a seeker
I would like to share how happy I felt by slowly uncovering & discovering about who I am in all authenticity
My deep core needs , values & just knowing oneself it's a rare gift😌💗
Deeply grateful to you ❤
Love ur work😘🥰❤️✨
May u be blessed 👼✨😇
Wonderfully put. Keep on speaking if u can, on the subjects you brought up. Some of us have been taking care of our needs in any way we can but mostly caring for others.. also resentment and anxiety ..
Your videos have been so help. I've been having a hard time figuring out what my wants and needs are. This framework is great so I can give these things to myself and finally get a better understanding of who I am. Thank you!
I wanted to become "Mulan"
Looking back, I believe it's because I wanted to be independent and strong in a culture and in a dysfunctional family where success only matters as a man.
I am sooooo thankful to have found this channel. I have learned so much from your content and felt less alone. Thank you for what you do! Please tell Elizabeth that her sharing her story makes me feel less alone and that I am super thankful to her too. :)
unbelievably helpful video. Thank you, the safety, satisfaction & connection framework is exactly what I was looking for.
i really appreciate the way you describe the origins of these difficulties with nuance and neutrality. there are so many ways folks can come to a similar internal experience and identifying how you got to where you are is a key part of emotional growth. your approach doesnt pathologize or demonize and doesnt assume trauma, which lets me approach my experience with gentleness and an open mind. thank you!
This might seem random
but...
I CANNOT
stop obsessing and ruminating
and I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this
and I need to get it off my chest
(and I'm also willing to read responses,
if anyone feels called to respond...)
I had a HORRIBLE therapist
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE
the worst
but here's the thing...
it's twofold:
1) he's wildly successful
(and I can't for the life of me figure out why or how)
2) I saw him for almost all of 2023,
I was so traumatized when I went to see him,
that I just kept going,
because I had nowhere else to turn...
In the end, he really fucked me up.
Instead of helping me, he traumatized me further.
It's over 6 months now,
and I can't stop obsessing over how he's traumatized me,
and all the money I wasted, etc. etc.
I can file a formal complaint.
But the process seems long and arduous,
and brings me no particular benefits...
It's just that I can use my voice,
and he can potentially get reprimanded...
But if I do this I have to do it soon...
I don't know what to do?
Any thoughts, anyone?
Thank you. Your video really gave me some useful insights and has made me ask questions about my childhood.
Forrest, this was great. I love the prompts for journaling and self exploration. Great topic and it was a different format from your normal podcasts with Rick but I still love it just the same. Thank you for what you do for others. You are living your dharma and I am grateful!
Thank you for representing Maslow correctly! That silly pyramid/ladder is at best a simplification, and at worst can make someone more judgemental than understanding.
this was so helpful and you explained everything very good, easy to understand and so calm and kind. thank you
Safety satisfaction connection--- exactly things I don’t have …
Thank you this video really made me think about my needs and I just find out that I can not remember a think I wanted when I was younger it's just blank (I have a good memory but when it comes to myself it's like I know nothing I can't remember a single thing that I wanted)
" America was built in a cultural myth of rugged individualism that glorify Self reliance and personal autonomy. Where dépendance is seen as a weakness when actually it is not." Well said
I have an exercise where i list my desires, in order of importance, and I'm discovering that it's going to take some time and effort to determine these things... Hopefully this will give me a push in the right direction🙏🏼
Interesting video for me personally as i grew up in narcissist invuarmant when my needs didn't have any place
For me big source from childhood information are fairytales which I liked (or hit me in other ways). Seeing patterns not once time was helpful for me.
A really clear, insightful , and engaging video. You’re naturally very encouraging, and ask wonderful, meaningful questions. Enough of them to get just a bite…that gets someone hooked into deep reflection 😊
It helped me a lot to narrow down certain things in my case, thank you 🙏🏼
Such wonderful content! Thank you so much, Forrest!
❤ we all only exist in this form for a period of time because universal elements allow us to the sun energized world 🌍 so I believe we need to look to the bigger universal picture for inspiration thanks Forrest love Colin ❤
I found this to be a solidly informed and helpful video
I really like your soothing voice, yet very clear articulation
Thank you for this really
Lovely video. Made me smile while I recalled my infant years
Thank you. You are a beacon of hope.
If I could like this video 10 times I would. Thank you! Very first video I have watched but have been listening to the podcast for a while. Instant subscribe 😊