1. You feel romantically attracted to them, and they seem to feel the same. 2. They are not already in a relationship. 3. They will clarify that your get-together is a *date*. 4. They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you. 5. They listen to what you say, understand you, and just get you. 6. They make it clear that they are interested in you. They don’t leave you guessing. 7. They’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for (but not trauma dumping). 8. They are logistically available. 9. They treat you and everyone else really well. 10. They’re honest. 11. They are considerate about making plans with you. 12. You feel good about yourself and lifted up when you’re around them.
@@joannegild8001if they in any way or form disrespect you, hurt your feelings, make fun of you when suffering something (ex. You are cold and instead of giving you their coat, they laugh about how a tropical girl feels during winter- like happened to me with ex-psycho partner) and make you feel like crap due to their low self esteem when they are around you, fleeeee!
After 32 years on this planet, I finally met and am now officially with someone who meets all of these. I honestly just assumed all relationships were tough or had people doing hurtful things as mistakes or just being humans, but now I can really see what it means to find someone actually good for both of you. It’s not like we don’t disagree or won’t have arguments, but we have already talked about that and how we want to respect and treat the other fairly in those situations.
Loads of acne, I wore makeup to cover it. Didn’t let him see me without it. One day he asked me to wash it off so “he could see what he was getting “. With trepidation I did and watched his eyes. He had a good look, agreed I had issues but his eyes didn’t change. There was no horror or pulling away. I knew he was worth something then. 32 years later he still looks at me without horror.
@@maxcorder2211 a word of advice, don’t go chasing after the peacock when the wren will suit you better. She wasn’t right for you and I’m sorry you had to suffer rejection for something as non important as physical appearance 🫶🏻
Amen to that. I’m going to take some time to fall in love with me. Show up for me. Be the healthy partner for me.Be gentle with me and get to know me. They are my goals.
Couldn't come at a better time. An ex and I tried rekindling our relationship after about 3 months of no contact. I reached out and we met up, we agreed to take things slow (1 or 2 dates/hang outs a week), etc. We both felt the same way romantically, and both wanted to make it work. We had issues before, many red flags I ignored (of course I wasn't perfect either), but I wanted to try. She communicated pretty well at first, and seemed super interested, and then... Wasn't. I got ignored, she would go hours without texting me, seemed annoyed when I'd plan dates. The communication broke down, so I asked if she was interested, and if not I didn't want to waste time. She said she was confused, unsure of what she wanted and that I was pushing too hard. Maybe I was, but overall I think I was making my intentions clear and being honest and vulnerable. I'm hurt, but at least I know I tried and she isn't the one for me.
I read a few books last year that REALLY HELPED me understand. Understand myself. And understand others. "Safe People: How To Find Relationships That Are Good For You and avoid those that aren't" and "Trust: Knowing When To Give It, When To Withhold It, How To Earn It, and How To Fix It When It Gets Broken, In Life and Business" both of these by Dr Henry Cloud (heads up, this is a Christian faith-based author, very sound values and foundations which can easily translate to other paths of enlightening). "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up For Yourself and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. I have a subscription to Everand, audiobooks, so that helped me cover those pretty quickly. I also got them in print, to help with integrating the information into my understanding and life. I'm committed to being my best self and partnering with another who is also capable of a relationship. I always appreciate videos like these that contribute so constructively for those of us looking for success in these pursuits and our lives. Much love, CCF and team!
Kudos to you, it sounds like your reactions are those of someone secure. I did not realize it at first (in my 10+ year marriage with an avoidant) but now I know there is nothing sexier than someone who really knows what they want !
@@Nature.culture.792thanks. It's a work in progress, I still feel pretty anxious in relationships, it's just working on how I respond and react, and not being afraid to voice my opinion, needs, feelings, etc. But I appreciate your positive words :)
Before, I would’ve said “Anna, you’re so full of crap!” But I’ve seen it happen. I saw a friend come out of a crappy relationship and then meet the man of her dreams and watched them both completely blossom. I know now that kind of love is what I want. It’s possible. I also appreciate how you said “YOU have to be attracted to them.” I’ve gone on many dates and committed to relationships simply because the guys liked me, but I didn’t have much feelings for them! That’s crazy! It’s time to raise the bar. Thanks Anna. I needed this.
same here, its weird and only other "adult children" can relate to that or understand.. none of my friends understand how I didn't have feelings for men I was in relationships with for over a year.
I’ve done the same. Dated people that I wasn’t attracted to/ didn’t have feelings for. I did this thinking that they could “grow” on me. I never trusted my instincts and thought I would miss out on a good potential relationship . But if the attraction isn’t there…….
Yes to "treats animals kindly"! (#9) When we first met, I noticed my husband was beloved by cats--his roommate's cats, neighbor cats, even stranger cats. He put them at ease and tuned into what each one needed. I figured he would do the same for me and my cptsd-affected nervous system. After 24 good years together, I can attest that it was an extremely helpful sign-post!
^ Every narcissist I've had the misfortune of knowing was good to their animals. (But still make fun of them, bonked them on the nose sometimes, or made them stand and wait in silence before eating, etc. lots of micro control scenarios where they just wanted arbitrary power).
Kind to animals AND kind to waitstaff, cashiers, those in service positions. I went on a few dates w/someone I was interested in, by 2nd - 3rd date they talked to me about *hating* dogs and made comments about me having a dog ... but they kept cat food in the trunk to feed stray or hungry cats. It was confusing. One night we went out to eat, I was completely horrified by the way he treated the server. I felt so embarrassed by his treatment of her that I had to apologize afterwards omw back from the bathroom and tipped her directly. This was not a kind, caring person; this was a self-centered person who didn't think twice about demeaning those he felt were below him, or who got on his nerves when things didn't go his way. And things "not going your way" is half of of the way life goes, I recognized that if I continued in this relationship, i would constantly be running interference behind the scenes like with that poor server. And that one day he would treat me the same way he treated her. I later found out he was still married anyway, so looks like I made the right decision 🤐
@@misspeach3755 Yes, watch out for dog owners that give all their affection to their animals and freeze out human beings, maybe even feeling threatened by people. As for narcissists, a dog will never criticize its master, always gives the appearance of unconditional love - basically they are perfect "supply" for a narcissist.
When I decided I was ready to date (after and very bitter divorce and custody battle), I sat down and made out a list…all the way down to the eye color…then I told God that’s what I wanted. He brought him all the way from Germany to Utah within 5 months! We met in May and married in September 1983…..we were together until brain cancer stole him from me in 2021. He was a beautiful being. He came into five kids and court battles….every one of my kids called him dad. ❤❤❤
5 kids I have 3 and I’ve been made to feel like this is it for me, I should just focus on my kids and forget about ever re-marrying! I’m not even 40! Thanks a-lot for sharing this. I shall be writing my list and ask God for my man. Who knows?
Also , being interested AND taking it slow is actually possible. I keep hearing 'you should take it slow, date for longer, dont rush' and today I realised it is actually a combo. I used to probably rush to show interest and being eager 'yes yes i do , here im ready , anything you want , lets go' which in no way is healthy
Thank you for reminding me. I'd like to share an experience. This weekend I did an exercise practicing to see and feel how you ''move'' (no verbal interaction) towards a hypothetical potential partner, and I found that I was losing myself within 30 seconds. I was already so lost in the other because he was smiling nicely and I immediately focused on wanting to let him know I am coming his way, out of fear of losing his interest. I noticed this pretty quickly, as the exercise was also about being able to keep a connection to yourself and your body. Because I wasn't able to feel myself as I was looking at him I closed my eyes to feel my body and really took my time to get back to me and it worked! And as I opened my eyes he was still there smiling and we started to slowly make steps towards each other. Every time I lost contact with myself I closed my eyes again, and then continue contact with him as we moved closer, but what was so so important to me was that we ended up in the middle, we both moved 50% of the distance and it wasn't just me rushing over to the other side. This is was such a valuable experience and showed me what I want in real life, I hope I can achieve it.
I’m so grateful to have found someone after two long marriages with unsuitable partners. I’m astonished to be so happy in my sixties! He’s had a rough go as well. We were long distance friends for five years until I moved back into town. Keep working on healing, folks, it will pay off.
To spot a good partner.. BE ONE! You only, AND WILL ALWAYS, attract what you are. The point is NOT to avoid heartache... The point is to discover WHO YOU ARE, and to EVOLVE into the highest and most divine expression of YOURSELF.
@@totochanel2251 Don't believe the hype, AND fcuk whatcha heard. Your body is a miraculous tool and can be programmed. Your thoughts and words are directives delivering specific instructions to EVERY cell in your body, AND VICE VERSA.
Don’t rush to find “The One” allow connections to develop naturally and enjoy the experience. By starting this journey you’ll likely to gain clarity and feel connected to the dating rather than just dating journey happen to you.
“Would anyone else consider themselves to be in a relationship with you right now?” Is a question I have learnt to ask (by being blindsided.... shouldn’t have to ask but unfortunately there are those who would turn around and defend themselves “well you never specifically asked!”)
I just started dating someone who's actually normal and healthy and taking things slow (not love bombing me and saying they're in love with me after a week) and it's crazy how different I feel. I'm not anxious. I'm not confused. He texts me regularly, but not overly so, just a "I hope you had a good day!" or suggesting something for us to do soon. This past weekend was his friends birthday so he invited me to hang out with everyone, and he was affectionate/attentive to such a beautiful degree, giving space when I was chatting with different people, doing his own thing, not getting mad that I'm my own person?!?!!?? and he actually really likes my independence?!!! Buttttttt.... unfortunately, he's in town for a job, and his job keeps him traveling all the time. His home base is only a few hours from me, and most of the guys on his crew are in long distance relationships, but that's not what I want. So I'm just enjoying this refreshing connection while he's here and trying to keep my head on straight.
As I read through your comment I was totally rooting for you because I'm going through the same thing with an awesome guy. Then I got to the part where he's long distance from you and I felt totally bummed for you. I hope you find a way to make it work for the two of you, or that you find someone just as great closer to you.
I had the same experience with a pipeliner recently until he said he had been talking with his ex about getting back together for their son. He left for Oklahoma and that was the end of that. He was the best guy I ever dated, and it was the best connection until it wasn't. I don't wish that heartache on anyone. Good luck.
Slow is good and you have your head on straight. A long distance relationship is a different thing to a close proximity relationship. It’s a bit like getting a nicely wrapped present. If you are happy with the pretty packaging and never really needing to know what’s inside that relationship is fine. However it’s not the same as getting to know what’s actually inside which you will find out when the distance is gone. That goes for how you act too. Hope what’s inside the box is just as nice or even better for you❤️
I wouldn’t write it off because of distance. It’s so much easier to keep in touch these days and sometimes you can live near someone and not have a closenit relationship. If he’s the right one, there are ways around the distance and you can eventually plan a way to live close.
This is such a great list and I don't want to discourage anyone, but my partner showed all these beautiful qualities and more. It was only around 10 months in when we were already living together that his aggression started to burst out. So even if they fit these points, I think we need to be vigilant a long time these days - people have become very good at hiding or masking.
I dated my husband for six months - enough time for him to hold his narcissistic behavior in check. Once we married, he was a monster. He checked most things on the list.
It's not enough for them to just be single. Make sure they are not keeping all their exs around them on stand-by, and that they are not married to their jobs or their friends and community. Dating my ex felt like competing with the entire village for her time and love. Everything came before our relationship. Yecht, never again.
So relatable I often told my ex that I felt as though I was last on his list of priorities and not sure where I fit into his life. Worst feeling ever 😢
agreed, I couldn't convince my ex that staying in touch with a string of exes was unhealthy. Tried to show him what it would look like if I did the same..all I got was a blank stare
@@pixie3458 Same here. He just kept telling me I was the one with the problem, and that hanging on to long-dead relationships (as 'friends'...so nauseating) was normal, no matter how much it may hurt the current partner. I have never kept 'dead plants' around after it's over...what for??... or did that inexplicable 'friends' bs...they basically fall off the planet for me the minute it ends. I don't understand why some don't/don't want to see how unfair and hurtful staying connected to old baggage is to a new partner. Tried illustrating the situation if the tables were turned and, like you, got a blank stare or he proclaimed he wouldn't care. Yeah, right! Goodness knows I had plenty before him to throw in his face if I chose to. But my ego doesn't require that.
@@sxwrtr918 mine had a photos on display of his exes as 'happy memories'! I said what if you had walked into my dining room and seen a gallery of my exes..what would you think? he replied 'I would think it was weird!
00:00 🎯 Have a clear vision for the kind of person you want to be with and the relationship you desire. 00:51 🚫 Avoid setting your bar too low due to emotional neglect; clarity about partner characteristics is crucial. 1:09 🌟 12 signs to look for when you first meet someone for potential compatibility. 1:13 ❤ Feel romantically attracted to them, and they show reciprocal interest. 1:44 🔄 Ensure they're not already in a relationship; clarify this in a culturally accepted manner. 2:20 📅 Clarify if a get-together is a date; avoid uncertainty before agreeing to a second meet-up. 3:22 👂 They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you, not just talking about themselves. 3:35 🧠 They listen, understand, and engage in conversations about your thoughts and experiences. 3:49 🤔 Make their interest in you clear; avoid unnecessary ambiguity in the early stages. 4:37 🤐 They're open about themselves and express what they're looking for in a relationship. 5:08 🌍 Logistically available; live in the same area, have time for a relationship, and no major obstacles. 5:31 🤝 Treat you and others well; observe how they interact with servers, drivers, and animals. 5:53 🚨 Honest and transparent; they communicate openly about themselves and situations. 6:11 🗓 Considerate about making plans; they confirm, show up on time, and communicate changes promptly. 6:32 🌈 You feel good around them; a positive, uplifting experience that goes beyond mere attraction.
Though theoretically it sounds ideal but are there people who have in reality actually found good partners in today's world following this to the T. Genuine question
@@aastha6930 Nobody is perfect, but there are still people out there who are decent people and partners and are willing to show up as their best self and do the work that relationships take. But it also takes work on both sides, we can't expect an ideal partner if we haven't done, or aren't doing, the work on our own selves. And personally, I've realized it might actually take some work to meet someone, it's not like in movies or TV where you just magically meet someone at the grocery store. Idk what that looks like for me yet but we'll see.
@@HopefulMathGirl I completely concur with you. But on the other hand I have also realised that with time and wisdom we can develop these skills to build healthy relationships. The moment we start changing a lot dynamics start changing either most of semi toxic people are weeded out or we just start interacting with them in a limited / boundaried manner to the level ok / right for ourselves. Just sharing my experience.
Thanks for teaching me that I myself am still in healing mode and probably not ready for real dating yet. Even when I tell that to others, they see it as a boundary that they have to push on! It's up to me now to stand tall with my boundaries, and trust that someone healthy will meet me on the other side when I'm ready. Not someone who wants to date a "challenge" or "fix" me.
When you do feel ready to jump back in, be careful. Not everyone has done the same inner work or are even aware of their own issues, but will present themselves as such.
PERFECT TIMING! My coworker just cornered me at work yesterday and blurted out “I don’t wanna waste your time! I wanna get to know you outside of work” I’ve known this guy for over 7 years, he just recently had a health scare and said his life has been a roller coaster, he finally bought a car, and he’s in school… I’m not in the least bit flattered! Why would you want to get to know me now when your life is a “roller coaster”?! What type of relationship would you be able to offer me while trying to get your feet off the ground? No thank you! 🙅🏾♀️
Sometimes it takes a major health scare for someone to find the courage to do the things they were too scared to do before. Kind of a "Life really is short! We could die at any moment and I wasn't really living..." mentality. It sounds like this is where he's currently at; going for what he wants instead of playing it safe because he wasn't happy before. Ofc he could also want a nurse with a purse to help fund his ventures. I'm not at all suggesting OP should go for it. Just saying the whole "I almost died so now I'm gonna grab life by the balls" thing is a thing
This is SO true! My now husband - before I met him - I made a list of what I wanted in my life companion. It had 11 things. Brought simplicity to it and got it down to 7. And then further simplified it to just 2 - well-traveled and wise. Each of these had a deeper meaning for me - someone who's well-traveled has certain traits like adaptability & diversity, and wisdom for me is emotional wisdom and the ability to be truly present with another. And voila! My now husband had traveled to 40-odd countries before we met, and was a long-term meditator! I do think having clarity in what we want makes such a big difference in every aspect of our lives!
I met someone two weeks ago and we both check all these boxes for each other immediately and we're both still in shock. Thank you for this video confirming that this is already off to a good start and that both of us are on the right track in healing and finding love.
My therapist disagrees with knowing their goals by the third date. She said over time it will come up. Otherwise the interrogation wont work since many people lie or are dishonest internally to themselves.
Your therapist has a point, there's sometimes a world between what they say their goals are (marriage, family) and what their actions will show later. It's weird, you cant always foresee if people are being truthful. They might even be convinced that these are their goals. Fast forward to a couple years later and sometimes they haven't made any steps toward them at all.
maybe , but there are those who will tell you straight up that they are interested in casual, or 'see what happens', so you have the opportunity to screen them out!
There's also the sad reality of telling a potential partner what you want upfront, and them playing the part or telling you what you want to hear until they get what they want from you. It's sad w/ so many deceivers that we have to protect ourselves.
I had stayed away from women because my wife of 22 years just disappeared one morning to be with a guy. Finally after four years I started feeling ok. I made this girl laugh at a meeting and she wanted to have lunch with me. After lunch we came to my house to continue talking and had a lot of laughs, teasing and good talk. She left with promise of another date that week and two nice hugs. Three days later after we'd Dm'd for a couple days... On the third evening she wasn't talking much and then canceled our date and said, "Our meeting was unfortunate." Wow! That's a strong message.
12 signs 1:12 1. You feel romantically attracted to them 1:41 2. They are mot already in a relationship 2:16 3. They will clarify nether a gathering is a date or not 3:05 4. They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you. They ask you about you. Their number one goal for a date. 3:30 5. They listen to what you say. They get you. 2:45 6. They make it clear they are interested in you. 1-3 dates it should be clear. Don’t waste your lovely romantic possibilities waiting in limbo and having fun gatherings with them. 4:33 7. They’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for. But it could be a red flag if they’re telling tragic stories about their ex etc. - they’re in healing mode - what is their goal? 5:06 8. they’re logistically available 5:29 9. They treat you and everyone else really well. 5:50 10. They’re honest - to the waitress; about themselves 6:10 they are considerate about making plans with you - clear when the plan is firm, they show up when they say they will, they call when they say they’ll call. They never leave you guessing whether it was a plan or a random idea. 6:30 12. You feel good when you’re around them. You feel lifted overall. Like you want to be more and do more. Not just stave off loneliness for a weekend.
Family, friends, finances, faith, food, fitness, fears, feelings, fucking, fighting, forgiveness. Ask yourself if you have a future given your differences.
My first date with my recent ex, i came away with a "meh" feeling. Nothing bad, just no attraction or butterflies. But he was very keen and enthusiastic, and despite my lack of romantic interest we ended up together because I'm a people pleaser/fawner due to attachment issues. I think he sensed that, and it triggered his insecurities, which led to anger, resentment and jealousy. It took three years to disentangle from that inappropriate relationship 😢
atleast you can admit it. Im a male and was in a similiar situation where i was enthusiastic and could feel she wasnt. Difference is i voiced my concerns to her early on and thanks to that it only lasted 2 months. I could tell she didnt want to be there and was just being nice so i had to pull the plug to save myself and her heartache down the line otherwise it could of been a similiar situation like yourself. Never be afraid to voice your opinion/feelings if you dont feel something dont force it because it does damage to you and the other person.
That sounds like a mess. I've been there, kind of - wasn't in the relationship for three years, but I dated a guy while I was on my anti-depressants who was really nice on paper, but I just didn't feel the thing. I was so out of touch with my own emotions that I didn't realise until much later that I didn't feel the thing. Thankfully, I came off my anti-depressants about a year ago and am in touch with my feelings again now. The medication helped when I started taking it and I'm glad I did - I don't think I could have got better without it - but I'm also very glad to be off it now.
My current partner of 3 years was not being clear about liking me because I wasn’t being clear about liking him! Regardless of the fact that we were hanging out and getting to know each other. If it weren’t for him telling our mutual friend that introduced us that he liked me but didn’t think I was interested I probably would have never made a move because I assumed him not expressing it meant he didn’t care enough. Fast forward to now and he’s the best partner I could have asked for , sure things aren’t always perfect but we’re happy and I feel respected and loved. I’m so thankful I didn’t write off him not outwardly expressing that he was into me as a sign that I should let go, because I was very close to doing so.
It's very important to remember that we are responsible for bringing all these things to the table also!!! Don't entangle someone if you can't check these boxes yourself.
5:31 Driving is a big indicator. Personal space, accountability, and consideration of others. I've had personal experience with disrespectful drivers. They tend to have more aggression and are very quick to blame other people. Unlike drivers who are more easy-going on the road.
Yes! Yes, driving. Aggressive driver? Not romantic material. A driver I feel 100% safe with is an amazing find. I suppose this indicator could be wrong sometimes but so far, anecdotally for me, it's pretty accurate.
Why, honestly, why .... don't they teach this in school???!!! SUCH a good lesson for life. If only I'd known this stuff earlier in life. Most of it seems obvious at the age I am now - but only after years of "life". Love the vid!!
This is so tricky… I have a man in my life who is completely different from the narcissists I’ve had before. Clear boundaries… No love bombing… boasting etc… it feels odd but right… I’m ready to change the cycle x
I can't remember who said it, but I watched a video a while back where a woman said not to look for that feeling of fireworks, but rather a warm, cozy fire. That one really stuck with me, and I'm learning just how true that is. 💖
@@KaeAudhildI had that warm cozy feeling, not butterflies or fireworks. He checked all the boxes on the list in this video too Married him. Together 20 years now and I'm only realising he's a narc and I've been under a spell.
Hi Anna. Your points on a successful relationship worked for me. I lost my lovely wife 2years ago after a good loving marriage of 62 years. When I think back to our dating days in the early 1960 s, virtually all of your points worked for me and I’m confidant for her also. I guess we didn’t need a life coach in those days. I have several brothers, no sisters, who married and not a divorce in the bunch.
I don't know if you'll ever see this but I want to thank you. Your channel, along with therapy, assisted me with the change I have made in my life. Be blessed forever more. What you're doing is invaluable.
Great video and suggestions. I began a new relationship a year ago. We both did everything on your list as something very natural to us. One year later the relationship is healthy and thriving.
I set my bar very high and he checked all the boxes. I vetted him as best as I could. I could not predict at 14 years of marriage, I would find out things about him that I would have never married him if I knew from the onset. I'm tired of being told I should have chosen better, I should have vetted better. I did everything within my power.
The man of my dreams know what he wants. He also told me what he can give to me and it is up to me to accept it or not. He knows he is a catch. He asked me questions about what I like and what I want in a relationship and marriage. That was what I was looking for. Im always emotional talking about him. He is heaven sent
My most recent ex, at the beginning was disrespectful of my time and would show up an hour late to hour and a half late. We fought over this and he stopped doing it. That being said, he said he felt controlled around this. It’s interesting how he disrespected my time and turned it around like he was a rebellious 15 years old. 🙄
1. You feel romantically attracted feelings mutual. They seem happy and keep conversation. Effort to talk. 2. Not in relationship 3. They will clarify in a date 4. Interesting in getting to know you 5. Listen to you, Understand you, they get you 6. Interested in you 7. Open about themself 8. Available and Same page and Same place 9. Gentle, Kind and respectful 10. Honest 11. Considerate 12. You feel good, lifted up, be more do more in life
the problem is at the beginning of relationship almost everyone behaves the way video has discribed. Plus It is hard to spot red flags when you r under the charm of love. You excuse things. She/he is late on a date - you can think either she/he is disrespect you or she/he were stuck in traffic. And you are afraid of making a mistake discarding a person. May be i make a decision too early - you think.Especially if you like a person you have a doubt whether you spot red flags correctly. Moreover red flags are ambiguous in nature. It is hard to say 100 percent if she/he is honest or not etc.
True, but I'd say that if you are not completely disconnected from yourself, you kind of feel that they are not the one pretty early. You just have to be brave enough to trust your guts, even if the evidence is not there (yet).
So I’m 55 and in an unhealthy relationship. I’m not perfect myself. Over the last decade I’ve gone through a slew of partners all of which wrecked me. And of course in ways I don’t fully understand I hurt them too. So where do I meet someone at least healthy enough to know she has work to do and be making progress on her own issues? Dating apps just seem to be a poop show of toxic broken people. It’s too hard to be working on my own BS while having the leftover bandwidth to deal with my partners issues at the same time while she isn’t putting in the effort and playing fair. It just keeps coming down to what I did wrong and what I need to change. But when I ask for consideration or a change in behavior I get pushback, deflection, straw man arguments, and a general avoidance of accountability. I keep trying to be the nice guy and keep ending up feeling walked all over. I do like and agree with your list by the way. But it seems it can only work with someone who is at least accountable and genuinely earnest.
5:27 this one is so important. It shows how good of a person you REALLY are. It is easy to fake being your best self when you see someone just for a bit while, but if you actually get into that relationship and spend more time together, your inner ugliness will inevitably surface. No one likes an unkind, fake person. My last girlfriend told me that what convinced her I was her match was how she saw me treat everyone else with respect and kindness, and that I always made eye contact. Now, why we aren't still together is another story. Manners and values matter. If you are a man, your gentlemanliness is for EVERYONE, not just for the ladies you like. Ladies notice it.
Very true. We also have to be more discerning as being more attractive doesn't mean everyone that gravitates towards us has good intentions. In time, these kinds of people let their mask slip, though.
There are so many list of red flags. I am glad for these green flags. I recently met someone and got really paranoid because it seems too good to be true, but it checks all of these (which for me seemed as maybe an unrealistic expectation), so that is a relief.
I appreciate the advice about having your date be actually interested in you, in your opinions and what you have to say. As opposed to using you as a sounding board or just pretending to be interested as part of the love bombing phase. Thank you for that, I'll keep it in mind!
I've written a list of everything im looking for in a person ☺️ I need someone who is has a good sense of humor, honest, respectful,who trusts me, isn't afraid to tell me how they feel, accountable,empathetic/compassionate, considerate, affectionate, loyal, emotionally mature, open minded, non-controlling, non-clingy, attentive, thoughtful, someone who values me, loves me unconditionally, accepts me for the way I am and who doesn't want to change anything, Has self control, self discipline, who isn't impulsive, stable, someone who is willing to compromise and sacrifice to make things work, who knows/can how to apologize, and finally, someone who is healed from past commitments and free from past entanglements. Relationships require a lot of effort, consistency and trust on both sides
I would rather have money so that I can take care of my wants and needs. In my heart I have no more loneliness like I used to so meeting someone is out of my radar. I find the list very interesting and very good advice. For those that are looking I hope that you use this information and that you find that special person just for you!
@Godisthegreatest346Steve, if you really are a pastor as you wrote to me, than I am no longer surpriced about the crumbeling churches in the US, or around the world. I think my Intuition about you was right- you don't seem to be worth spending time with; it would be a waste.
Anna you are helping so many heal and make it possible to seek out healthy relationships. I can’t tell you how much you have helped me. I appreciate you so much! Thank you! I’m back in the dating world after several years. This is timely! Thank you!
most of us know or have heard this before.. or maybe, we even feel the need to hold the standard only for ourselves but then think it's okay for others to do otherwise and make excuses for them. talking about growing up in a toxic family situation. the unfair measure the family put on us got carried over into our romantic relationship. I need to hear this .. because the standard does not only applicable to me, but also for the other person. Thanks Crappy Childhood Fairy ♥
If you find you're comfortable with someone there's probably some chemistry there. After that it's about values. And don't fall in love too quick, it could be lust. And always, to thine own self be true. Don't expect the other to make you happy; that's your responsibility. The one that's best might not be the one you're looking for. When you find the right one be prepared to settle, that is, no looking for another other the minute there's a row...
2:53-3:04 GOLD. I finally started applying this in 2023 and it has been empowering, though it does take effort because physical attraction is such a strong pull. For me, it's a matter of making sure that my self-worth as a prize always remains top of mind along with an abundance mindset that there are many attractive women out there who will want with me much more than just the friend zone.
All steps are so strong, the strongest one (in my opinion) is the last one; as your intuition protectst you from a narc. Because narcs will show you the previous (from their side unsincere) points
Thanks for making a dating video that doesn't involve slandering the very people you hope to have a good relationship with. They are just a plague these days.
The Feel Good element is surprisingly easy to miss. The excitement and budding limerence of finally getting to meet the person you have been chatting with for a while can fool you into thinking it's a great connection.
My boss use to tease me after a date "did he offer you salt first?" I would say,"Nope. I won't see him again". If they are rude to the waiter, then it will be you they are rude to in future.
What does the salt thing mean? In New Zealand we don't offer each other salt at dinner but neither are we rude to the waiter so how would you judge that?
How exciting that I’m now dating someone who meets all this criteria!! Your dating class was extremely helpful. The chance to write in detail about what my ideal partner is like and how I feel with him was such a North Star to follow… as was the list of things I no longer accept!! Thank you for your work 💓
So helpful!! Esp the PDF so we dont have to stress about taking notes--you speak my language and im so grateful for you and your work and videos and to have found someone (even if its just online) who gets the things no one else (including countless therapist friends etc) seem to get or relate to --i also didn't know or understand that i have CPTSD or what that even was until i found your videos--you are such an angel God has gifted to the world ❤ helping lead guide and direct so many of us who have spent 20years or more (38 here) working to heal and struggling to find who various things didnt fit work etc --you really pin point all of the things ive learnt from countless books and life experiences and compile them all together and add on to them in a way that enables people like me to put our healing into practice and action etc --in every area of life--so thank you thank you! Again and again ❤😊
Great list. This one: "9. They treat you and everyone else really well." I would say instead, "They treat everyone else courteously and respectfully, and treat you differently than everyone else: like they care about you above and beyond basic human respect and are honored to be with you." (My ex seemed intrigued by everyone and covertly wanted their attention.)
I think this gets tricky with older hetero men. They've been socialized their whole lives not to listen to women, so no -- even men who act otherwise interested in me (and even ask me out) don't actually listen to me, or ever ask questions. It's... bizarre tbh
You're exactly right. It's difficult for men at this age. I definitely get the 'no questions ' part. I went out with a man recently for a month. I don't recall him asking a single personal question about me. How can that be? Didn't go any further. So odd.
It's a trend with most ages, unfortunately. And a big, flashing sign that they're more interested in the benefits of having you, than actually knowing you. When you see that, run!
Instagram life. Your just supposed to be in their photos with them. Keep in mind, everyone and I mean everyone has Childhood trauma they are handling one way or another. Also, only 1 in 5 people are empaths. And of those, probably half of them are Autistic to some degree. Maybe date one of them (us) for a change?
If at all I have to expect any of these from anyone, then I myself should be ready to give these as well. I realised that I do not tick all the boxes for a good partner, which means I still have a lot of work to do.
Ok, so there’s a girl I’m interested in. We met about 6 months ago through mutual friends. We started hanging out independently. Found out recently that we are both asexual. An incredibly enormous plus. It’s kind of impossible for me to not talk about my ex because we were married young and he was played a huge part of everything. We are divorced. I didn’t get the opportunity to date like a normal person because of a strict religious upbringing. Now that I’m on my own fully and can date how I like, I’m in my head about what I should do. I get strong vibes she likes me too. But I am also enjoying the friendly getting to know each other while galavanting about town. So far she seems like a kind, respectful, gentle, and intelligent person. Our values so far line up well. We are both single. But I have been wooed by too many honeymoon phases before the chaos starts. So of course I’m very cautious. What is the difference between being unhealed and relatively cautious? I don’t know how to date normally or ask a girl out. Should I wait and see if she makes a move? She’s asked girls out before. Any advice?
We could add other qualities, to look for in potential partners, to her list: kindness (so they will want to treat us well), intelligence (so they will know how to treat us well, and not annoy us with dumb words and actions), and discipline (so they will be consistent in treating us well, rather than letting their emotions dictate their behavior).
I love listening to this, I find it so calming and positive even though I’m not even looking to date anyone. The idea of coming across someone like this sounds good and I’m all those things so I know they would be lucky to come across me :)
These are all great truths!! I learned something from reviewing them, thanks. I’ve been single (again) now for 25 years and am not lonely; I always keep looking to find a woman who does have these signs. I know that “one day my princess will come” -- that keeps me expectantly happy and excited about life!!
You are the mother we never had to so many of us ❤
oh please 😂
❤
Mommy issues confirmed
I like mif also
She does have a solid Mom vibe. She feels more like a big sister who gives great advice to me though.
1. You feel romantically attracted to them, and they seem to feel the same.
2. They are not already in a relationship.
3. They will clarify that your get-together is a *date*.
4. They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you.
5. They listen to what you say, understand you, and just get you.
6. They make it clear that they are interested in you. They don’t leave you guessing.
7. They’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for (but not trauma dumping).
8. They are logistically available.
9. They treat you and everyone else really well.
10. They’re honest.
11. They are considerate about making plans with you.
12. You feel good about yourself and lifted up when you’re around them.
Yes to all except # 5 and # 12. What on earth does one do with THAT?
@@joannegild8001if they in any way or form disrespect you, hurt your feelings, make fun of you when suffering something (ex. You are cold and instead of giving you their coat, they laugh about how a tropical girl feels during winter- like happened to me with ex-psycho partner) and make you feel like crap due to their low self esteem when they are around you, fleeeee!
I foolishly went out with people i felt "meh" about because i thought i could eventually feel "OH WOW" about this person but it never happened.
After 32 years on this planet, I finally met and am now officially with someone who meets all of these. I honestly just assumed all relationships were tough or had people doing hurtful things as mistakes or just being humans, but now I can really see what it means to find someone actually good for both of you.
It’s not like we don’t disagree or won’t have arguments, but we have already talked about that and how we want to respect and treat the other fairly in those situations.
@@joannegild8001 Number 12 is in fact he most important point.
Loads of acne, I wore makeup to cover it. Didn’t let him see me without it. One day he asked me to wash it off so “he could see what he was getting “. With trepidation I did and watched his eyes. He had a good look, agreed I had issues but his eyes didn’t change. There was no horror or pulling away. I knew he was worth something then. 32 years later he still looks at me without horror.
For someone who was rejected because of his looks, this is good. Thank you, and congratulations to the man who loves you.
@@maxcorder2211 a word of advice, don’t go chasing after the peacock when the wren will suit you better. She wasn’t right for you and I’m sorry you had to suffer rejection for something as non important as physical appearance 🫶🏻
WOW! How cool is that?
No horror is good
❤
I need to heal myself. Forget relationship. I just need myself.
Amen all I need right now is me
Me too
Amen to that. I’m going to take some time to fall in love with me. Show up for me. Be the healthy partner for me.Be gentle with me and get to know me. They are my goals.
Best of luck, guys. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You got this.
Then why are you here
Wow, going on my first date in 11 years, tomorrow.
I hope you enjoy!💜
Sometimes I swear this channel must have me bugged. 😂 Maybe you’re on the bugged list too
how was it? (not that you have to answer w/ any details) Hope it went well!!
Here is to your being brave
You can't leave us hanging!!! How it went?!😅
Couldn't come at a better time. An ex and I tried rekindling our relationship after about 3 months of no contact. I reached out and we met up, we agreed to take things slow (1 or 2 dates/hang outs a week), etc. We both felt the same way romantically, and both wanted to make it work. We had issues before, many red flags I ignored (of course I wasn't perfect either), but I wanted to try. She communicated pretty well at first, and seemed super interested, and then... Wasn't. I got ignored, she would go hours without texting me, seemed annoyed when I'd plan dates. The communication broke down, so I asked if she was interested, and if not I didn't want to waste time. She said she was confused, unsure of what she wanted and that I was pushing too hard. Maybe I was, but overall I think I was making my intentions clear and being honest and vulnerable. I'm hurt, but at least I know I tried and she isn't the one for me.
I read a few books last year that REALLY HELPED me understand. Understand myself. And understand others.
"Safe People: How To Find Relationships That Are Good For You and avoid those that aren't" and "Trust: Knowing When To Give It, When To Withhold It, How To Earn It, and How To Fix It When It Gets Broken, In Life and Business" both of these by Dr Henry Cloud (heads up, this is a Christian faith-based author, very sound values and foundations which can easily translate to other paths of enlightening). "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up For Yourself and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
I have a subscription to Everand, audiobooks, so that helped me cover those pretty quickly. I also got them in print, to help with integrating the information into my understanding and life.
I'm committed to being my best self and partnering with another who is also capable of a relationship. I always appreciate videos like these that contribute so constructively for those of us looking for success in these pursuits and our lives.
Much love, CCF and team!
Sounds like she wanted to string you along, good thing you got out.
Kudos to you, it sounds like your reactions are those of someone secure. I did not realize it at first (in my 10+ year marriage with an avoidant) but now I know there is nothing sexier than someone who really knows what they want !
Confused normally means they are keeping you on back burner.
@@Nature.culture.792thanks. It's a work in progress, I still feel pretty anxious in relationships, it's just working on how I respond and react, and not being afraid to voice my opinion, needs, feelings, etc. But I appreciate your positive words :)
Before, I would’ve said “Anna, you’re so full of crap!”
But I’ve seen it happen. I saw a friend come out of a crappy relationship and then meet the man of her dreams and watched them both completely blossom. I know now that kind of love is what I want. It’s possible.
I also appreciate how you said “YOU have to be attracted to them.” I’ve gone on many dates and committed to relationships simply because the guys liked me, but I didn’t have much feelings for them! That’s crazy! It’s time to raise the bar.
Thanks Anna. I needed this.
same here, its weird and only other "adult children" can relate to that or understand.. none of my friends understand how I didn't have feelings for men I was in relationships with for over a year.
Yes, I can totally relate to all of this!
Because most people, men or women don't go intimate with people they are not attracted to.
There is nothing complex there.
Same
I’ve done the same. Dated people that I wasn’t attracted to/ didn’t have feelings for. I did this thinking that they could “grow” on me. I never trusted my instincts and thought I would miss out on a good potential relationship . But if the attraction isn’t there…….
Yes to "treats animals kindly"! (#9) When we first met, I noticed my husband was beloved by cats--his roommate's cats, neighbor cats, even stranger cats. He put them at ease and tuned into what each one needed. I figured he would do the same for me and my cptsd-affected nervous system. After 24 good years together, I can attest that it was an extremely helpful sign-post!
^ Every narcissist I've had the misfortune of knowing was good to their animals. (But still make fun of them, bonked them on the nose sometimes, or made them stand and wait in silence before eating, etc. lots of micro control scenarios where they just wanted arbitrary power).
Kind to animals AND kind to waitstaff, cashiers, those in service positions. I went on a few dates w/someone I was interested in, by 2nd - 3rd date they talked to me about *hating* dogs and made comments about me having a dog ... but they kept cat food in the trunk to feed stray or hungry cats. It was confusing. One night we went out to eat, I was completely horrified by the way he treated the server. I felt so embarrassed by his treatment of her that I had to apologize afterwards omw back from the bathroom and tipped her directly. This was not a kind, caring person; this was a self-centered person who didn't think twice about demeaning those he felt were below him, or who got on his nerves when things didn't go his way. And things "not going your way" is half of of the way life goes, I recognized that if I continued in this relationship, i would constantly be running interference behind the scenes like with that poor server. And that one day he would treat me the same way he treated her. I later found out he was still married anyway, so looks like I made the right decision 🤐
My sadistic ex wife was waaay better with animals then with me.
@@SteakCutFries wow, still married too? That was a dodged bullet.
@@misspeach3755 Yes, watch out for dog owners that give all their affection to their animals and freeze out human beings, maybe even feeling threatened by people. As for narcissists, a dog will never criticize its master, always gives the appearance of unconditional love - basically they are perfect "supply" for a narcissist.
When I decided I was ready to date (after and very bitter divorce and custody battle), I sat down and made out a list…all the way down to the eye color…then I told God that’s what I wanted. He brought him all the way from Germany to Utah within 5 months! We met in May and married in September 1983…..we were together until brain cancer stole him from me in 2021. He was a beautiful being. He came into five kids and court battles….every one of my kids called him dad. ❤❤❤
I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for the inspiration. I will pray for you and your family.
5 kids
I have 3 and I’ve been made to feel like this is it for me, I should just focus on my kids and forget about ever re-marrying! I’m not even 40!
Thanks a-lot for sharing this. I shall be writing my list and ask God for my man. Who knows?
My condolences💐 , y’all seemed to have had a beautiful union.
@Zazezoo if you are in good shape and have a good attitude to submit to a man and want to please him, you should find a second chance husband
Also , being interested AND taking it slow is actually possible. I keep hearing 'you should take it slow, date for longer, dont rush' and today I realised it is actually a combo.
I used to probably rush to show interest and being eager 'yes yes i do , here im ready , anything you want , lets go' which in no way is healthy
I so relate to that, except I'm not actually planning to date again, unless I meet someone where there's mutual interest.
Thank you for reminding me. I'd like to share an experience.
This weekend I did an exercise practicing to see and feel how you ''move'' (no verbal interaction) towards a hypothetical potential partner, and I found that I was losing myself within 30 seconds. I was already so lost in the other because he was smiling nicely and I immediately focused on wanting to let him know I am coming his way, out of fear of losing his interest. I noticed this pretty quickly, as the exercise was also about being able to keep a connection to yourself and your body. Because I wasn't able to feel myself as I was looking at him I closed my eyes to feel my body and really took my time to get back to me and it worked! And as I opened my eyes he was still there smiling and we started to slowly make steps towards each other. Every time I lost contact with myself I closed my eyes again, and then continue contact with him as we moved closer, but what was so so important to me was that we ended up in the middle, we both moved 50% of the distance and it wasn't just me rushing over to the other side. This is was such a valuable experience and showed me what I want in real life, I hope I can achieve it.
@Godisthegreatest346 Much better, thank you :) Are you on a healing journey as well?
You don’t know how helpful this comment was. Can you share more about practices like that?
@@bhwaaaHannah How did you find a hypothetical potential partner to practice with?
I’m so grateful to have found someone after two long marriages with unsuitable partners. I’m astonished to be so happy in my sixties! He’s had a rough go as well. We were long distance friends for five years until I moved back into town. Keep working on healing, folks, it will pay off.
Great! May God continue to bless you’ll.
I am so happy for you!
To spot a good partner.. BE ONE! You only, AND WILL ALWAYS, attract what you are. The point is NOT to avoid heartache... The point is to discover WHO YOU ARE, and to EVOLVE into the highest and most divine expression of YOURSELF.
Beautiful words/advice.
@@ReinerBoehme-f7o Seems like trying to AVOID heartache is a surefire way of falling directly into it.
I’m developing slowly, now 34 and haven’t met:( so sad we as women have so limited time to create a full-fledged family😢
@@totochanel2251 Don't believe the hype, AND fcuk whatcha heard. Your body is a miraculous tool and can be programmed. Your thoughts and words are directives delivering specific instructions to EVERY cell in your body, AND VICE VERSA.
Don’t rush to find “The One” allow connections to develop naturally and enjoy the experience. By starting this journey you’ll likely to gain clarity and feel connected to the dating rather than just dating journey happen to you.
"Does anyone think they are your boyfriend/girlfriend?" is a helpful question to ask, that gets right to the truth.
Ahhh yes, I realized you have to ask this simple question in multiple ways to get a clear answer.
They aren’t yours it’s just your turn
“Would anyone else consider themselves to be in a relationship with you right now?” Is a question I have learnt to ask (by being blindsided.... shouldn’t have to ask but unfortunately there are those who would turn around and defend themselves “well you never specifically asked!”)
I just started dating someone who's actually normal and healthy and taking things slow (not love bombing me and saying they're in love with me after a week) and it's crazy how different I feel. I'm not anxious. I'm not confused. He texts me regularly, but not overly so, just a "I hope you had a good day!" or suggesting something for us to do soon. This past weekend was his friends birthday so he invited me to hang out with everyone, and he was affectionate/attentive to such a beautiful degree, giving space when I was chatting with different people, doing his own thing, not getting mad that I'm my own person?!?!!?? and he actually really likes my independence?!!! Buttttttt.... unfortunately, he's in town for a job, and his job keeps him traveling all the time. His home base is only a few hours from me, and most of the guys on his crew are in long distance relationships, but that's not what I want. So I'm just enjoying this refreshing connection while he's here and trying to keep my head on straight.
As I read through your comment I was totally rooting for you because I'm going through the same thing with an awesome guy. Then I got to the part where he's long distance from you and I felt totally bummed for you. I hope you find a way to make it work for the two of you, or that you find someone just as great closer to you.
I had the same experience with a pipeliner recently until he said he had been talking with his ex about getting back together for their son. He left for Oklahoma and that was the end of that. He was the best guy I ever dated, and it was the best connection until it wasn't. I don't wish that heartache on anyone. Good luck.
Slow is good and you have your head on straight. A long distance relationship is a different thing to a close proximity relationship. It’s a bit like getting a nicely wrapped present. If you are happy with the pretty packaging and never really needing to know what’s inside that relationship is fine. However it’s not the same as getting to know what’s actually inside which you will find out when the distance is gone. That goes for how you act too. Hope what’s inside the box is just as nice or even better for you❤️
These are all good points for what you are looking for in future partners. Training date...
I wouldn’t write it off because of distance. It’s so much easier to keep in touch these days and sometimes you can live near someone and not have a closenit relationship. If he’s the right one, there are ways around the distance and you can eventually plan a way to live close.
This is such a great list and I don't want to discourage anyone, but my partner showed all these beautiful qualities and more. It was only around 10 months in when we were already living together that his aggression started to burst out. So even if they fit these points, I think we need to be vigilant a long time these days - people have become very good at hiding or masking.
True indeed
Sounds like you were with a covert narcissist perhaps.
That’s horrible. Hope you are ok.
This happened to me too. I’m sure some men can keep up the façade for years. I will always have a separate place to live and be safe now
I dated my husband for six months - enough time for him to hold his narcissistic behavior in check. Once we married, he was a monster. He checked most things on the list.
I’ve learned.. It’s not about who wants you, it’s about who values you and respects you.
It's not enough for them to just be single. Make sure they are not keeping all their exs around them on stand-by, and that they are not married to their jobs or their friends and community. Dating my ex felt like competing with the entire village for her time and love. Everything came before our relationship. Yecht, never again.
So relatable
I often told my ex that I felt as though I was last on his list of priorities and not sure where I fit into his life.
Worst feeling ever 😢
They aren’t yours it’s just your turn.
agreed, I couldn't convince my ex that staying in touch with a string of exes was unhealthy. Tried to show him what it would look like if I did the same..all I got was a blank stare
@@pixie3458
Same here. He just kept telling me I was the one with the problem, and that hanging on to long-dead relationships (as 'friends'...so nauseating) was normal, no matter how much it may hurt the current partner. I have never kept 'dead plants' around after it's over...what for??... or did that inexplicable 'friends' bs...they basically fall off the planet for me the minute it ends. I don't understand why some don't/don't want to see how unfair and hurtful staying connected to old baggage is to a new partner.
Tried illustrating the situation if the tables were turned and, like you, got a blank stare or he proclaimed he wouldn't care. Yeah, right! Goodness knows I had plenty before him to throw in his face if I chose to. But my ego doesn't require that.
@@sxwrtr918 mine had a photos on display of his exes as 'happy memories'! I said what if you had walked into my dining room and seen a gallery of my exes..what would you think? he replied 'I would think it was weird!
00:00 🎯 Have a clear vision for the kind of person you want to be with and the relationship you desire.
00:51 🚫 Avoid setting your bar too low due to emotional neglect; clarity about partner characteristics is crucial.
1:09 🌟 12 signs to look for when you first meet someone for potential compatibility.
1:13 ❤ Feel romantically attracted to them, and they show reciprocal interest.
1:44 🔄 Ensure they're not already in a relationship; clarify this in a culturally accepted manner.
2:20 📅 Clarify if a get-together is a date; avoid uncertainty before agreeing to a second meet-up.
3:22 👂 They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you, not just talking about themselves.
3:35 🧠 They listen, understand, and engage in conversations about your thoughts and experiences.
3:49 🤔 Make their interest in you clear; avoid unnecessary ambiguity in the early stages.
4:37 🤐 They're open about themselves and express what they're looking for in a relationship.
5:08 🌍 Logistically available; live in the same area, have time for a relationship, and no major obstacles.
5:31 🤝 Treat you and others well; observe how they interact with servers, drivers, and animals.
5:53 🚨 Honest and transparent; they communicate openly about themselves and situations.
6:11 🗓 Considerate about making plans; they confirm, show up on time, and communicate changes promptly.
6:32 🌈 You feel good around them; a positive, uplifting experience that goes beyond mere attraction.
Though theoretically it sounds ideal but are there people who have in reality actually found good partners in today's world following this to the T. Genuine question
I was going to do this but you beat me to it. Good job n TY! ✊🏿💯😁
@@aastha6930 Nobody is perfect, but there are still people out there who are decent people and partners and are willing to show up as their best self and do the work that relationships take. But it also takes work on both sides, we can't expect an ideal partner if we haven't done, or aren't doing, the work on our own selves. And personally, I've realized it might actually take some work to meet someone, it's not like in movies or TV where you just magically meet someone at the grocery store. Idk what that looks like for me yet but we'll see.
@@aastha6930yes ❤
@@HopefulMathGirl I completely concur with you. But on the other hand I have also realised that with time and wisdom we can develop these skills to build healthy relationships. The moment we start changing a lot dynamics start changing either most of semi toxic people are weeded out or we just start interacting with them in a limited / boundaried manner to the level ok / right for ourselves. Just sharing my experience.
Thanks for teaching me that I myself am still in healing mode and probably not ready for real dating yet. Even when I tell that to others, they see it as a boundary that they have to push on! It's up to me now to stand tall with my boundaries, and trust that someone healthy will meet me on the other side when I'm ready. Not someone who wants to date a "challenge" or "fix" me.
When you do feel ready to jump back in, be careful. Not everyone has done the same inner work or are even aware of their own issues, but will present themselves as such.
I am a miner for a heart of gold
and I'm getting old.
Hey, thanks for this! Found the song because of your comment. ✨💛✨
I’d cross the ocean for a heart of gold.
Okay Neil Young
I’ve been to redwood
Love those classic Neil Young songs!
Maybe add, if you have expectations of a "good partner" , make sure you are a good partner.
Nobody is perfect and neither are you.
PERFECT TIMING! My coworker just cornered me at work yesterday and blurted out “I don’t wanna waste your time! I wanna get to know you outside of work” I’ve known this guy for over 7 years, he just recently had a health scare and said his life has been a roller coaster, he finally bought a car, and he’s in school… I’m not in the least bit flattered! Why would you want to get to know me now when your life is a “roller coaster”?! What type of relationship would you be able to offer me while trying to get your feet off the ground? No thank you! 🙅🏾♀️
@@ellenlandowski1659 right! And funny thing is, I’m a nurse w a purse lol
Big red flags!
@@chomama1628 right?!!
😁😁😁😁@@Aisha_babii
Sometimes it takes a major health scare for someone to find the courage to do the things they were too scared to do before. Kind of a "Life really is short! We could die at any moment and I wasn't really living..." mentality. It sounds like this is where he's currently at; going for what he wants instead of playing it safe because he wasn't happy before.
Ofc he could also want a nurse with a purse to help fund his ventures. I'm not at all suggesting OP should go for it. Just saying the whole "I almost died so now I'm gonna grab life by the balls" thing is a thing
I love that the advice was simple and down to earth. My grandma June used to say, “Your solution is simple but not easy.” Thank you for sharing.
This is SO true! My now husband - before I met him - I made a list of what I wanted in my life companion. It had 11 things. Brought simplicity to it and got it down to 7. And then further simplified it to just 2 - well-traveled and wise. Each of these had a deeper meaning for me - someone who's well-traveled has certain traits like adaptability & diversity, and wisdom for me is emotional wisdom and the ability to be truly present with another. And voila! My now husband had traveled to 40-odd countries before we met, and was a long-term meditator! I do think having clarity in what we want makes such a big difference in every aspect of our lives!
I met someone two weeks ago and we both check all these boxes for each other immediately and we're both still in shock. Thank you for this video confirming that this is already off to a good start and that both of us are on the right track in healing and finding love.
My therapist disagrees with knowing their goals by the third date. She said over time it will come up. Otherwise the interrogation wont work since many people lie or are dishonest internally to themselves.
I agree, I’ve talked about goals in the beginning of dating that I’ve sometimes never accomplished 😅
Your therapist has a point, there's sometimes a world between what they say their goals are (marriage, family) and what their actions will show later.
It's weird, you cant always foresee if people are being truthful.
They might even be convinced that these are their goals. Fast forward to a couple years later and sometimes they haven't made any steps toward them at all.
Or they are wounded and will only share certain things with someone they trust very deeply
maybe , but there are those who will tell you straight up that they are interested in casual, or 'see what happens', so you have the opportunity to screen them out!
There's also the sad reality of telling a potential partner what you want upfront, and them playing the part or telling you what you want to hear until they get what they want from you. It's sad w/ so many deceivers that we have to protect ourselves.
I had stayed away from women because my wife of 22 years just disappeared one morning to be with a guy. Finally after four years I started feeling ok. I made this girl laugh at a meeting and she wanted to have lunch with me. After lunch we came to my house to continue talking and had a lot of laughs, teasing and good talk. She left with promise of another date that week and two nice hugs. Three days later after we'd Dm'd for a couple days... On the third evening she wasn't talking much and then canceled our date and said, "Our meeting was unfortunate." Wow! That's a strong message.
The fact you let us know we don’t have to take notes helped a lot. I tend to overcomplicate my regular tasks and try to do so much all by myself
12 signs
1:12 1. You feel romantically attracted to them
1:41 2. They are mot already in a relationship
2:16 3. They will clarify nether a gathering is a date or not
3:05 4. They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you. They ask you about you. Their number one goal for a date.
3:30 5. They listen to what you say. They get you.
2:45 6. They make it clear they are interested in you. 1-3 dates it should be clear. Don’t waste your lovely romantic possibilities waiting in limbo and having fun gatherings with them.
4:33 7. They’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for. But it could be a red flag if they’re telling tragic stories about their ex etc. - they’re in healing mode - what is their goal?
5:06 8. they’re logistically available
5:29 9. They treat you and everyone else really well.
5:50 10. They’re honest - to the waitress; about themselves
6:10 they are considerate about making plans with you - clear when the plan is firm, they show up when they say they will, they call when they say they’ll call. They never leave you guessing whether it was a plan or a random idea.
6:30 12. You feel good when you’re around them. You feel lifted overall. Like you want to be more and do more. Not just stave off loneliness for a weekend.
I think the best romantic relationships serendipitously evolve from a true friendship.
Or ones that happen out of the blue and arnt forced
Family, friends, finances, faith, food, fitness, fears, feelings, fucking, fighting, forgiveness. Ask yourself if you have a future given your differences.
My first date with my recent ex, i came away with a "meh" feeling. Nothing bad, just no attraction or butterflies. But he was very keen and enthusiastic, and despite my lack of romantic interest we ended up together because I'm a people pleaser/fawner due to attachment issues. I think he sensed that, and it triggered his insecurities, which led to anger, resentment and jealousy. It took three years to disentangle from that inappropriate relationship 😢
atleast you can admit it. Im a male and was in a similiar situation where i was enthusiastic and could feel she wasnt. Difference is i voiced my concerns to her early on and thanks to that it only lasted 2 months. I could tell she didnt want to be there and was just being nice so i had to pull the plug to save myself and her heartache down the line otherwise it could of been a similiar situation like yourself. Never be afraid to voice your opinion/feelings if you dont feel something dont force it because it does damage to you and the other person.
That sounds like a mess. I've been there, kind of - wasn't in the relationship for three years, but I dated a guy while I was on my anti-depressants who was really nice on paper, but I just didn't feel the thing. I was so out of touch with my own emotions that I didn't realise until much later that I didn't feel the thing. Thankfully, I came off my anti-depressants about a year ago and am in touch with my feelings again now. The medication helped when I started taking it and I'm glad I did - I don't think I could have got better without it - but I'm also very glad to be off it now.
My current partner of 3 years was not being clear about liking me because I wasn’t being clear about liking him! Regardless of the fact that we were hanging out and getting to know each other. If it weren’t for him telling our mutual friend that introduced us that he liked me but didn’t think I was interested I probably would have never made a move because I assumed him not expressing it meant he didn’t care enough. Fast forward to now and he’s the best partner I could have asked for , sure things aren’t always perfect but we’re happy and I feel respected and loved. I’m so thankful I didn’t write off him not outwardly expressing that he was into me as a sign that I should let go, because I was very close to doing so.
The practicality of this is actually life changing
It's very important to remember that we are responsible for bringing all these things to the table also!!! Don't entangle someone if you can't check these boxes yourself.
"Crappy Childhood Fairy" is probably one of the best channel names on here.
5:31
Driving is a big indicator. Personal space, accountability, and consideration of others.
I've had personal experience with disrespectful drivers. They tend to have more aggression and are very quick to blame other people.
Unlike drivers who are more easy-going on the road.
I've actually wondered If there was a correlation. It makes sense.
Yes! Yes, driving. Aggressive driver? Not romantic material. A driver I feel 100% safe with is an amazing find. I suppose this indicator could be wrong sometimes but so far, anecdotally for me, it's pretty accurate.
I agree, the way someone drives speaks volumes!
I second this. I have an ex who was a sporadic, aggressive, unsafe driver and he ended up being pretty toxic in the relationship
Why, honestly, why .... don't they teach this in school???!!! SUCH a good lesson for life. If only I'd known this stuff earlier in life. Most of it seems obvious at the age I am now - but only after years of "life". Love the vid!!
Thank you for your comment! Glad you are here :)
Nika@TeamFairy
This is so tricky… I have a man in my life who is completely different from the narcissists I’ve had before. Clear boundaries… No love bombing… boasting etc… it feels odd but right… I’m ready to change the cycle x
Best wishes!!
I can't remember who said it, but I watched a video a while back where a woman said not to look for that feeling of fireworks, but rather a warm, cozy fire. That one really stuck with me, and I'm learning just how true that is. 💖
I think I’ve now found someone who is avoidant 🤔
@@KaeAudhildI had that warm cozy feeling, not butterflies or fireworks.
He checked all the boxes on the list in this video too
Married him. Together 20 years now and I'm only realising he's a narc and I've been under a spell.
Yep! He’s anxious/avoidant - emotionally unavailable… self-centred… Alcohol dependent… But it was only 5 dates so… I’m becoming more aware….
Hi Anna. Your points on a successful relationship worked for me. I lost my lovely wife 2years ago after a good loving marriage of 62 years. When I think back to our dating days in the early 1960 s, virtually all of your points worked for me and I’m confidant for her also. I guess we didn’t need a life coach in those days. I have several brothers, no sisters, who married and not a divorce in the bunch.
Your parents did something right. ❤🙏🕊
As someone recovering from many failed relationships, thank you for all these great insights!
I don't know if you'll ever see this but I want to thank you. Your channel, along with therapy, assisted me with the change I have made in my life. Be blessed forever more. What you're doing is invaluable.
Thank you for your comment. Glad you are a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
“An ex living in the basement…”
What a metaphor!
This would be a great book title.
Thank you for spreading the news, ❤️Fairy!
I could have used this back in my teenage years so I didn't waste time chasing after unavailable people. lol
My ex was doing all those but we just weren’t compatible and I was inexperienced as he was my first love. A learning experience there. ❤
These are legitimate signs for ANYONE...cPTSD folks like us or not!
Thank you.
Great video and suggestions. I began a new relationship a year ago. We both did everything on your list as something very natural to us. One year later the relationship is healthy and thriving.
Going on my first date tonight since the breakup that utterly destroyed me 8 months ago. This video is helpful, thank you.
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for this🙏
I would also add consistency in their behavior as a sign to watch for.
I set my bar very high and he checked all the boxes. I vetted him as best as I could. I could not predict at 14 years of marriage, I would find out things about him that I would have never married him if I knew from the onset. I'm tired of being told I should have chosen better, I should have vetted better. I did everything within my power.
The man of my dreams know what he wants. He also told me what he can give to me and it is up to me to accept it or not. He knows he is a catch. He asked me questions about what I like and what I want in a relationship and marriage. That was what I was looking for. Im always emotional talking about him. He is heaven sent
Sounds like your happy
I find this true, unfortunately this means 99% of match-up are not going to work. Doing this means being alone most of the time.
My most recent ex, at the beginning was disrespectful of my time and would show up an hour late to hour and a half late. We fought over this and he stopped doing it.
That being said, he said he felt controlled around this. It’s interesting how he disrespected my time and turned it around like he was a rebellious 15 years old. 🙄
Good thing he is your EX.
Turned it around like the narcissist he is, most likely.
@@0208connie I’ve dated narcissists before. I don’t think was the case here. More like an emotional immaturity that some entitled men have.
I agree. Ssooo many man-children ugh!!!@@pippa8410
Another Blame shifting example
1. You feel romantically attracted feelings mutual. They seem happy and keep conversation. Effort to talk.
2. Not in relationship
3. They will clarify in a date
4. Interesting in getting to know you
5. Listen to you, Understand you, they get you
6. Interested in you
7. Open about themself
8. Available and Same page and Same place
9. Gentle, Kind and respectful
10. Honest
11. Considerate
12. You feel good, lifted up, be more do more in life
the problem is at the beginning of relationship almost everyone behaves the way video has discribed. Plus It is hard to spot red flags when you r under the charm of love. You excuse things. She/he is late on a date - you can think either she/he is disrespect you or she/he were stuck in traffic. And you are afraid of making a mistake discarding a person. May be i make a decision too early - you think.Especially if you like a person you have a doubt whether you spot red flags correctly. Moreover red flags are ambiguous in nature. It is hard to say 100 percent if she/he is honest or not etc.
True, but I'd say that if you are not completely disconnected from yourself, you kind of feel that they are not the one pretty early. You just have to be brave enough to trust your guts, even if the evidence is not there (yet).
Finally someone who given decent, proper, balanced guidance. Subscribed.
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
So I’m 55 and in an unhealthy relationship. I’m not perfect myself. Over the last decade I’ve gone through a slew of partners all of which wrecked me. And of course in ways I don’t fully understand I hurt them too. So where do I meet someone at least healthy enough to know she has work to do and be making progress on her own issues? Dating apps just seem to be a poop show of toxic broken people. It’s too hard to be working on my own BS while having the leftover bandwidth to deal with my partners issues at the same time while she isn’t putting in the effort and playing fair. It just keeps coming down to what I did wrong and what I need to change. But when I ask for consideration or a change in behavior I get pushback, deflection, straw man arguments, and a general avoidance of accountability. I keep trying to be the nice guy and keep ending up feeling walked all over.
I do like and agree with your list by the way. But it seems it can only work with someone who is at least accountable and genuinely earnest.
5:27 this one is so important. It shows how good of a person you REALLY are. It is easy to fake being your best self when you see someone just for a bit while, but if you actually get into that relationship and spend more time together, your inner ugliness will inevitably surface. No one likes an unkind, fake person.
My last girlfriend told me that what convinced her I was her match was how she saw me treat everyone else with respect and kindness, and that I always made eye contact. Now, why we aren't still together is another story.
Manners and values matter. If you are a man, your gentlemanliness is for EVERYONE, not just for the ladies you like. Ladies notice it.
Very true. We also have to be more discerning as being more attractive doesn't mean everyone that gravitates towards us has good intentions. In time, these kinds of people let their mask slip, though.
There are so many list of red flags. I am glad for these green flags. I recently met someone and got really paranoid because it seems too good to be true, but it checks all of these (which for me seemed as maybe an unrealistic expectation), so that is a relief.
I appreciate the advice about having your date be actually interested in you, in your opinions and what you have to say. As opposed to using you as a sounding board or just pretending to be interested as part of the love bombing phase. Thank you for that, I'll keep it in mind!
I've written a list of everything im looking for in a person ☺️
I need someone who is has a good sense of humor, honest, respectful,who trusts me, isn't afraid to tell me how they feel, accountable,empathetic/compassionate, considerate, affectionate, loyal, emotionally mature, open minded, non-controlling, non-clingy, attentive, thoughtful, someone who values me, loves me unconditionally, accepts me for the way I am and who doesn't want to change anything, Has self control, self discipline, who isn't impulsive, stable, someone who is willing to compromise and sacrifice to make things work, who knows/can how to apologize, and finally, someone who is healed from past commitments and free from past entanglements.
Relationships require a lot of effort, consistency and trust on both sides
Try just starting with maturity
I would rather have money so that I can take care of my wants and needs. In my heart I have no more loneliness like I used to so meeting someone is out of my radar. I find the list very interesting and very good advice. For those that are looking I hope that you use this information and that you find that special person just for you!
Same here My husband passed away 2010 n I'm happy being alone (w/o) a man Just enjoying life as Nana😊😊😊
@Godisthegreatest346Steve, if you really are a pastor as you wrote to me, than I am no longer surpriced about the crumbeling churches in the US, or around the world.
I think my Intuition about you was right- you don't seem to be worth spending time with; it would be a waste.
Probably professional scammers in India or Nigeria are trolling these comments sections looking for victims.
Anna you are helping so many heal and make it possible to seek out healthy relationships. I can’t tell you how much you have helped me. I appreciate you so much! Thank you!
I’m back in the dating world after several years. This is timely! Thank you!
most of us know or have heard this before.. or maybe, we even feel the need to hold the standard only for ourselves but then think it's okay for others to do otherwise and make excuses for them. talking about growing up in a toxic family situation. the unfair measure the family put on us got carried over into our romantic relationship.
I need to hear this .. because the standard does not only applicable to me, but also for the other person.
Thanks Crappy Childhood Fairy ♥
If you find you're comfortable with someone there's probably some chemistry there. After that it's about values. And don't fall in love too quick, it could be lust. And always, to thine own self be true. Don't expect the other to make you happy; that's your responsibility. The one that's best might not be the one you're looking for. When you find the right one be prepared to settle, that is, no looking for another other the minute there's a row...
Good to great points, all 😊. Thank you!
2:53-3:04 GOLD. I finally started applying this in 2023 and it has been empowering, though it does take effort because physical attraction is such a strong pull. For me, it's a matter of making sure that my self-worth as a prize always remains top of mind along with an abundance mindset that there are many attractive women out there who will want with me much more than just the friend zone.
All steps are so strong, the strongest one (in my opinion) is the last one; as your intuition protectst you from a narc. Because narcs will show you the previous (from their side unsincere) points
Thanks for making a dating video that doesn't involve slandering the very people you hope to have a good relationship with. They are just a plague these days.
What a thoughtful message.
What a valuable reminder.
Thank you 💖
The Feel Good element is surprisingly easy to miss. The excitement and budding limerence of finally getting to meet the person you have been chatting with for a while can fool you into thinking it's a great connection.
Good advice.. Im 71 years old and going on a date for the first time in a few years and this stuff is helpful…😊
Wow! Good luck!
You are a gracious, attractive, intelligent woman offering wise and practical counsel. Thank you.
My boss use to tease me after a date "did he offer you salt first?" I would say,"Nope. I won't see him again". If they are rude to the waiter, then it will be you they are rude to in future.
What does the salt thing mean? In New Zealand we don't offer each other salt at dinner but neither are we rude to the waiter so how would you judge that?
Going on a date next week and I want to keep a clear head. I have high hopes
How exciting that I’m now dating someone who meets all this criteria!! Your dating class was extremely helpful. The chance to write in detail about what my ideal partner is like and how I feel with him was such a North Star to follow… as was the list of things I no longer accept!! Thank you for your work 💓
Thanks...however number 12 must be number 1. I would not move forward in the least if I was bummed in their presence..ha...
So helpful!! Esp the PDF so we dont have to stress about taking notes--you speak my language and im so grateful for you and your work and videos and to have found someone (even if its just online) who gets the things no one else (including countless therapist friends etc) seem to get or relate to --i also didn't know or understand that i have CPTSD or what that even was until i found your videos--you are such an angel God has gifted to the world ❤ helping lead guide and direct so many of us who have spent 20years or more (38 here) working to heal and struggling to find who various things didnt fit work etc --you really pin point all of the things ive learnt from countless books and life experiences and compile them all together and add on to them in a way that enables people like me to put our healing into practice and action etc --in every area of life--so thank you thank you! Again and again ❤😊
The clearest indication of a partner you should avoid is someone who calls relationships "partnerships".
Great list. This one: "9. They treat you and everyone else really well." I would say instead, "They treat everyone else courteously and respectfully, and treat you differently than everyone else: like they care about you above and beyond basic human respect and are honored to be with you." (My ex seemed intrigued by everyone and covertly wanted their attention.)
I have met a man who meets all these signs! He is wonderful and our energies connect. I’m thanking God for this unexpected blessing in my life. ❤❤❤❤❤
We're happy for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
Hi Steve. I’m not familiar with you, but thanks for your kind thoughts. Blessings
Yeah, I know what I need.
Caring, Communicates, Happy, Accepting, wants to marry and have kids, show up when they make plans, Honest 👍
Very useful tips. Thanks for sharing.
Dignified treatment and behavior are on the top pf the list.
Great points -and good luck finding someone who matches all these criteria.
You also have to ask if they have Friends with Benefits, a Spouse, in a Couple with an open relationship or polyamorous?
I think this gets tricky with older hetero men. They've been socialized their whole lives not to listen to women, so no -- even men who act otherwise interested in me (and even ask me out) don't actually listen to me, or ever ask questions. It's... bizarre tbh
Depending on the culture, young hetero men don't listen to women either
You're exactly right. It's difficult for men at this age. I definitely get the 'no questions ' part. I went out with a man recently for a month. I don't recall him asking a single personal question about me. How can that be? Didn't go any further. So odd.
It’s the same with (dominant) gay men for me. They’re terrible with listening and getting to know me.
It's a trend with most ages, unfortunately. And a big, flashing sign that they're more interested in the benefits of having you, than actually knowing you. When you see that, run!
Instagram life. Your just supposed to be in their photos with them.
Keep in mind, everyone and I mean everyone has Childhood trauma they are handling one way or another. Also, only 1 in 5 people are empaths. And of those, probably half of them are Autistic to some degree. Maybe date one of them (us) for a change?
If at all I have to expect any of these from anyone, then I myself should be ready to give these as well. I realised that I do not tick all the boxes for a good partner, which means I still have a lot of work to do.
Learn to listen to your intuition too. Thats very important.
I don’t recall any childhood neglect or anything wrong but this is spot on, why?
I used to be idealist and expect things as standards...But one must be ready to handle what this world hurls, better or for worse...
This is really helpful, thank you. I need to work on being these for someone else!
Ok, so there’s a girl I’m interested in. We met about 6 months ago through mutual friends. We started hanging out independently. Found out recently that we are both asexual. An incredibly enormous plus. It’s kind of impossible for me to not talk about my ex because we were married young and he was played a huge part of everything. We are divorced.
I didn’t get the opportunity to date like a normal person because of a strict religious upbringing. Now that I’m on my own fully and can date how I like, I’m in my head about what I should do.
I get strong vibes she likes me too. But I am also enjoying the friendly getting to know each other while galavanting about town.
So far she seems like a kind, respectful, gentle, and intelligent person. Our values so far line up well. We are both single. But I have been wooed by too many honeymoon phases before the chaos starts. So of course I’m very cautious.
What is the difference between being unhealed and relatively cautious?
I don’t know how to date normally or ask a girl out. Should I wait and see if she makes a move? She’s asked girls out before.
Any advice?
We could add other qualities, to look for in potential partners, to her list: kindness (so they will want to treat us well), intelligence (so they will know how to treat us well, and not annoy us with dumb words and actions), and discipline (so they will be consistent in treating us well, rather than letting their emotions dictate their behavior).
Absolutely spectacular! You are very good at what you do.
I especially love #9!!
I love listening to this, I find it so calming and positive even though I’m not even looking to date anyone. The idea of coming across someone like this sounds good and I’m all those things so I know they would be lucky to come across me :)
Yeah, check for kindness and consideration for others.
These are all great truths!! I learned something from reviewing them, thanks. I’ve been single (again) now for 25 years and am not lonely; I always keep looking to find a woman who does have these signs. I know that “one day my princess will come” -- that keeps me expectantly happy and excited about life!!
Watched so many
of these videos;
and. now, finally I have subscribed.
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
thank you fairy godmother❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy