Went to the cinema with my boyfriend the other week. The lady at the cashier had her first day and messed a few things up. She panicked and apologized over and over again. He told her to calm down, that it's totally fine and that she's doing an awesome job. Then he made jokes about his first day at work. I love him even more in moments like these.
Love this. I introduced my boyfriend to my extended family at a Christmas party last week (he already knows my immediate family but it was the first time he met my uncle’s family and cousins etc). A little while into the night my cousin’s husband accidentally dropped a bottle on the kitchen floor and stood there watching while my mother stopped what she was doing to clear up. Without thinking twice my boyfriend went over and helped her clear the smashed glass from the floor. Watching him do that felt like one of those moments you described. He’s such a gem and I’m so thankful to have him
What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with who you are in order to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion, if you are fulfilled in other field than love, you will give yourselves, and at the same time - each other - space to pursue that. Hence all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness, great turn-on when seeing each other being yourselves. Sure, I simplified it, but if you get individual happiness, your chances to be happy in a relationship and in bed are so much greater.
What I got from this: when desire leaves a long term relationship it is because one feels responsible for the other and is willing to give up their desire for connectedness. To fix this the other must let go of the one and let them know that you are still going to be there when they come back. Ask yourself "When do I turn myself off?" and "When do I turn myself on?" Communicate these answers with each other and use it to foreplay every minute of your day.
@@SiBorg8A yes it is. Because you think it is of course, but also things don’t just remain alive. You have to keep feeding a fire or it dies out. You have to water a plant or it dies. sometimes you have to plant new seeds altogether! And just to be clear, in the figure cents that I’m using here, you can absolutely do all of those things with the same person you have been with
This talk has lived in my DNA since I first saw it. It has been one of the strongest guides to my decision making and it has unequivocally changed my life for the better. For those and many other reasons Im grateful for Esther for her Interest energy and effort in collecting her research and Ted for giving her a platform to speak and share this powerful message
Every time I scroll through the comments on this talk, there are always so many people who had something click in their mind and it resonates with them. Esther is an amazing speaker and it's so rare to see such a positive response to a TED talk on youtube. I came across this talk a few years ago, and it really helped shape my understanding of relationships. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, and any time I felt like that desire was waning I thought about why I was turning myself off, and being able to have that inward reflection rather than trying to figure out what my partner "wasn't giving me" made such a huge difference in how we would get over a rut. I feel like every couple should watch this talk.
U can listen to Esther speak and be excited about what you hear, but in practice it's not that simple. You have to practice loneness and self-discipline to keep relationships going. There is always a desire to try another person after sometime, how do u wrestle with that? If you find yourself waning in love after 2yrs, it's over familiarity crawling in too soon. Space and Distancing is key!!
I've always had this nostalgic feeling about my husband, like when i look at him, its home, its my best friend, its this person i know, but i also feel simultaneously Like im looking at a stranger, who i could never even begin to know... I think that is the fine line you must dance upon, when you realize that you can never truly know any one, you can't hear their thoughts for sure, you can't even be one hundred percent sure they aren't lying to you. Whose to say any one has ever told the truth? we just dont know.... Well when you realize that... if you can let go of it, like release all stress that comes from that ultimate truth... No fear, or insecurity, paranoia or jealousy. You accept them for what you think they are, but they are mysterious because you dont know, factually what your dealing with when it comes to other human beings, and theres a huge illusion of "familiarity" or "knowingness".... You play with that illusion, of "knowing who some one is" and you feel at home... But you know you will never know them, so you play with that illusion, to be interested, to want to know, to want to learn the mysteries of this other person... And you get to know some things about them, and that makes the connection, and that feeds the desire for security..... But your always longing for more, because you know, deep down, You'll never really know him, or understand him... You'll never be him, so you can just play this illusion to get as close as you can, because whats unattainable is always desirable
Radiant and confident while in your element - this is where the majority of people I know have attracted their mates. This is why when you focus on doing your own thing and not on relying on other people for your happiness, you find "the one". How quickly we forget this..
When you can captivate a room of younger, middle age and older people who identify and/or at the very least, attempt to digest what you are saying, you know you are onto something powerful. Thank you, Esther ❤
And this is what I try to explain to people who don't understand how someone like me, who is asexual, can be married and happy with a sexual person. Because my LP is an intelligent man who keeps things interesting on the intellectual plane (and in sexual situations). And just because I don't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean I can't feel romantic and intellectual attraction. Desire is more than sexual desire. It can be the desire for a connection of the mind, of two people's energy vibrating on the same wave lengths. It can be longing for a sated curiosity or for curiosity to never be sated. Curiosity is what I think drives passion. It's the willingness to explore new things and the desire to step out of the comfort zone or break from a feeling of fear that can feed passion, even if there is no sexual attraction.
Fellow asexual here. I've struggled with much of the same. People so often assume that desire and sexual attraction always happen together. That's not always the case. I'm glad I happened upon someone who feels the same way :)
Well that's sounds great for you, but what about your partner who is not asexual? They must get their needs met somewhere/some how. Sorry but sounds selfish to me.
Agree, one of the best! I just wanted her to give more specific strategies. But I've heard her book and podcasts and so I know her suggestions such as scheduling in time for intimacy.
That’s what really gets me is the eloquence… but I can see why she is that way, she speaks multiple languages so she’s able to operate in the higher register vocabulary but primarily because she explores the topic so thoroughly with her patients and has the explore the use of language in to turn to work with them and express herself in her work…
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other. Most people seem to feel more comfortable around their platonic friends than they do around their romantic partner. Girls changing their clothes in front of a guy is a very friend-zoney thing to do since that means they don't see their guy friend as a sexual being at that point. A girl being comfortable enough to be naked around a guy means he is in the friend-zone. She trusts him as a safe guy. Usually when a girl has that kind of relationship with a guy, it means she feels safe enough around him to believe he won’t try anything. Many girls are comfortable being naked around their platonic male friends because they know that their relationship is nothing more than that of real siblings. So, that means that platonic love is better than romantic love is, and that romantic relationships are not special, while platonic relationships are special.
honestly, one of my favourite ted talks or at least the one I go back to the most. so many powerful, genuine and inspiring messages, you can really feel how she devoted her career with the purpose of helping people navigate their relationships. love the village metaphor too, think about it a lot if we're not expecting too much from just one person.
What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with yourselves to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion and are fulfilled in other fields than love, you will give yourself, and at the same time - each other, space to pursue that. And from that come all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness. Sure, it's not that simple, but if you get individual happiness, your chances of happiness in relationship and in bed are so much greater.
This is excellent. It's a topic that she intelligently explores by going beyond just simply "living into" more of your own true identity and autonomy in order to experience desire again. She's actually dealing with some of the key struggles of humanity and what it takes to be healthily and fully the "you" by looking into the roots of trauma *SO THAT* you can experience freedom in desire. Like she said, you can be burdened with others fears that have kept your autonomy at bay from a very young age. This is so important to pay attention to. We learn to wear our parents fears like clothes we were never meant to wear, and that do not fit us. I loved her example of how you could literally be physically away from your parental figures who clinged to you for security, yet not actually "away" from them psychologically, until you learn to let them be responsible for themselves. I really appreciate how she shows how these caretaker type of dynamics can get confused with love: "If you don't care for me in this way, than you don't love me" is something many people have lived under since childhood. They have chosen to sacrifice their own freedoms so not lose connection with stability. Fascinating to even make that connection! We humans are complex and have deeply rooted identities that need to be explored, drawn out, and healed in order to experience freedom in our sexuality. The key, I believe, is to find out what we fear, why we are afraid of it, and what it would be like if we didn't fear it anymore. Who would we be? Where would we go? Where would our security come from, or more importantly, where would we find our securities tied to if avoiding our fears was not the central focus? And then the next step is to bravely and boldly go where we have avoided going for so long. This takes time, patience, and guidance that we can trust. It also take tremendous courage! Losing security and stability is a massive fear for many and it's often rooted in trauma from a young age. Someone may have attempted to live into their own good desires to explore and learn as a child, but then something fell apart, or they were punished for it. This robs a child of the necessary tools to become an adult. Adults need to be responsible, yet children cannot even know how to even begin to be responsible without being taught. They lack the tools under their belts that are learned throughout years of living life on their own. Genius.
"Where would we find our securities tied to if avoiding our fears was not the central focus?" Such a strong, reflective point which summarised something I've personally often considered in more recent times. Learning to live more confidently, with stronger self-love and less fear about others conclusions on my decisions.
Wow. What especially struck me was her explaining in what situations people feel drawn to their partner. My partner is very passionate over text and when I visit them, something that is not as prevelent in me. But when I see them perform, talk about a passion project and just express so much of their energy, I feel such pure happiness inside myself
3:40: nail on the head. We ask one person to provide everything we used to ask of an entire village…. And then we wonder why marriages crumble. It is quite simply unfair to put all that on one other human being. It is mentally and spiritually exhausting; it turns us all into vampires.
If Freud was (partially) right about one thing, it's that sexual desire pervades our psyche. This talk can be helpful for any desire and any relationship, not just a sexual relationship with a significant other.
The secret is to never forget what started the desire in the first place adventure, lust, conviction and uncertainty. As Tony Robbins says the more uncertainty you can accept the more fulfilling your relationship will be.
I love watching my partner from a distance. I fall back and just watch him. I love the curve of his jaw and the nape of his neck. I love seeing him laughing with others. I feel proud of him.
I find that too. I love looking at him. Especially if he’s concentrating. He’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, I love watching him think a problem through.
Genius at work. Impressed by the tempo, the jokes, the insight and the distictions and the fun she is having giving her talk. And this is already zeven years old now but it feels totally now and for ever.
Responsibility and desire don't work together. Erotic couples know how to resurrect passion. Intentional and willful Spontaneity. Thank you so much, Esther.
I have to say that I like when my partner needs me. I need to have that relationship for many reasons. Sometimes she needs me to be there with her. And sometimes I need her to be with me. I don't simply want her, I actually need her. For sure we can survive even without each other, but it would be a much more miserable life.
She gives so much information and wisdom in that video and I’m like “hold on, I want to take notes”. I love how she integrates her psychology knowledge to make it relevant for the subject of desire.
Love, security, and predictability, and desire , need not oppose each other. Gratitude for having found a loved one, for who they are, and how that’s a hard to find commodity, can lead to ongoing passion. So can realistic expectations: nothing but nothing stays the same in life.
To Draw our attention for 20 minutes, in a talk without an audiovisual aid, it needs real substance, which this presentation has. Wonderful, with great insight into the issue.
I liked a lot of her points. My disagreement is with care and responsibility. It can be a turnoff, but sometimes knowing that you are cared for is a turn on. Knowing how much your care is appreciated, is a turn on itself.
You are without a doubt the best lecturer I have ever heard. My common law wife just left me a few weeks ago, and you have helped me know some of the reasons why. Thank you.
This woman is amazing, I want to hear more. Also, she described what I think society should march towards: unconditional love. You can put boundaries and rules in your children without making it personal, without stringing them to your needs and guilt-trip them... Needless to mention adult relationships because it all starts in childhood. A lot of things she mentioned here, like putting into anthropological/biological perspective our unrealistic goals. But I think personally that it is really important to give some freedom to your partner. I am not into polyamory because I don't think I would be able to, but I would make an effort and try and give some freedom to my partner for them to not feel caged with me.
I've been with my lover for 37 years married for 35 - that very last statement this genius makes -so true . I'm glad we had figured out things , even before the internet was born , but this woman's insights , and her delivery are masterful.
I just love Esther Perel she is so accurate about the dynamic of relationship. It's nice that she's helping us all to be aware of the pit fall of relationships. Awareness is always a good thing to prevent pit falls in relationships, not to say we should think about it all the time that we get paranoid, but to use the tool how to improve and prevent through communication between couples.
Same, im not in a relationship-- it's late, and I have homework to do and school tomorrow but yet I'm attentively watching this video 😆I think it's because she's so memorizing and engaging to listen to.
@@XEinstein how DARE you Alfredo does assume instead of actually KNOW that she does indeed have a husband? Stupid dumbass comment without any value. Her Husband is Jack Saul btw.
I'm so greatful to have access to the thoughts of genius people like this woman. I'm only 24 and I am already learning such important things which takes others a life time to understand, if at all.
She's one of those unique ones who spreads original information, not some repetitive collection of others' right and wrong ideas, and in a unique way which is funny and enjoyable too.
I haven't heard anything on youtube that I resonated with quite as much as this - by the looks of it the whole audience was just as mesmerized. Esther is a straight maverick.
Agreed. She speaks 8 languages, and I can hear the influence of several in her vocab. She uses a lot of English words that are cognates in other languages. Learning other languages is a wonderful way to improve your vocab in English!
Eye-opening, mind-blowing speech! Human mind is prone to paradox, and that fact often puzzles us. We need people like Esther Perel to help us understand that what seems chaotic or simply weird has an inner pattern.
Great lecture, amazing intelligence. her theories and premises are so cleverly thought through and then placed in perspective. And she delivered so much thought in 20 minutes that you really need a lot of time afterwards to process it. You can also notice on her facial expressions and the speed of speaking that she has a lot more in thoughts but not the time to deliver. I have watched many lectures by Esther Perel, she is inspiringly intelligent.
Esther Perel = Belgium’s most valuable export. National treasure. 🙌 ❤ 🇧🇪 (JC Van Damme was a close 2nd) This woman’s confidence, wisdom and eloquence are something the world continually needs more of.
I have a damn good wife and she has been by my side through all of the terrible things that I have done, through my addiction of 10 years, lying and cheating but has been nothing but faithful and forgiven me over and over again. I had to hit rock bottom and have the threat of losing my wife and my family to wake up after 18 years and give her the best me. Idk how she has done it for so long and still love me as well as seeing the best in me. Thank God I am getting my own counseling and I have been shown my issues all the way back to my childhood as well as marriage counseling we are now back stronger than ever and we are in love again like we were. I'm a lucky man I hope that everyone is lucky enough to find theirs
"in desire, we want a bridge to cross. or in other words, fire needs air. desire needs space." "it's when i'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance. where this other person that is so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. and in this space, between me and the other lies the erotic unknown. lies that movement toward the other. because sometimes as proust says mystery is not about traveling to new places but it's about looking with new eyes."
Steph Chen I liked that part best, about the comfortable distance where you finally get to see your partner in a way that you really only ever catch glimpses of. once in a while you get to sit back, safely, and watch them exist in their own world, where they know what they know and they do things with intention, backed by their own knowledge and life experience, of which you are not a part of. it's thrilling to see them in their own world, its impressive to see how they operate, sometimes without reference to you, or the role you play, or the world that you inhabit. it makes you appreciate all that they bring to the table of your relationship, and reminds you that there is so much more depth to every human than just what our flat surfaces bump into every day. it's exciting, makes you celebrate them for the person they are, and it's humbling to see how big or how little of a role your world has on theirs.
When she said that people expect lust to fall from the heaven when you're folding the laundry, I thought "It'd fall from heaven if HE was folding the laundry" XD
@@danielmaine45 but the fact that he wasn't already folding the laundry or washing the dishes would probably mean that he (you?) wouldn't really deserve her lust.
I think real desire transcends physicality. To truly be bonded to someone in a way that your passion for them doesn't fade is when you connect to them on an internal, personal level. People think they love one another but if they look deeper into why they are together or why the picked that person, the answer is in the word picked. To pick someone implies motive, even if it is unconscious. To be drawn to someone is a different matter to picking someone. To be drawn to someone is an internal longing that comes from a different space and so cannot be exhausted because it was never based on a consequence. That's why drawn is despite yourself, picked has reasons, reasons change and go away, but if you love and desire someone from a place you can't explain how can it run out. There is a difference between desire and convenience, there is a difference between wanting someone and wanting something from someone. True desire comes out of you ,you don't have to create it ,it's no effort because it flows out of you. People only have to make an effort because the desire was never really there in the first place. And that stems back to the fact that people tend to marry or date for the wrong reasons. While security and building stability are obvious things that couples should strive for you should not pick a partner on that basis. You are drawn to someone for a reason, you then as a team exploit each other's strengths and weaknesses to the benefit of the unit. If you do this you will have someone you want in good times and bad, you can build a business and even a life with anyone but if you want desire and passion to last its about picking the right person, there is no way around it. If you find you lack desire along the way you need to be very honest about wwether or not it was ever really there.
wooooaaa woooaaa all of my respects!!! you talk like a real professional, like someone who really cares for investigation and understanding of a subject... now you have a big fan!!! so many true tings, like wanting intimacy but space at the same time, and, well, just god, the whole 20 min were golden words!!!
I've learned a lot from this. I'm gonna try and simplify what she mentioned in the video. Think about the time you got attracted or into the person you are now together with. What was it about them that made you desire them? Think about that. It also helps to take pictures or written love notes from those moments in time. It let's you got back in time to remember what you felt and how you were as individuals. You were yourself. You did your thing and were passionate about it. Learn to keep that in a long term relationship. Never forget what made you who you are, and what you enjoyed doing. If only for an hour a day, make it your personal goal to grow or try something different that you personally wanted to do outside of "us". Think about YOU. Just setting aside some time what made you the individual you've become. When that moment is done, focus on the love and closeness of why you chose to be with this person and provide the love and security they enjoy
If you are feeling your partner might be cheating on you, but there's no definite evidence. You're faced with two alternatives seek out the facts, or to turn a blind eye. Selecting the first choice, although often suitable in the short term, is incredibly damaging for your personally, But for your children and family, not only in the long run too. Seeking the truth out isn't simple either as I mentioned before, technology had made infidelity much easier to conceal than in the past, however it also provides opportunities for revealing getting the evidence needed to establish them & affairs. I hate cheaters, my husband never gave me a reason to be suspicious until I found him and her colleague at a romantic restaurant. They told me it was work stuff but something wasn't right. I was worried until I was introduced to ultimate hack who offer Remote Installation to the his device, They build a web Dashboard for monitoring, 24x7 monitoring (Live GPS), They also gave me full access into the Social apps (Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc. There service is 100 % Anonymous, SHA-256 Encrypted Data, They also recover all Deleted Messages and Data you can contact via gmail ultimatehack003@gmail,com or whatsapp +17202954268 wishing you the best.
That wonderful woman gave one of the best lectures I've ever seen. She is a brilliant communicator not just in content but in delevery a true MASTERCLASS
Common reasons we are drawn to our partner across almost every culture she polled: 1. Being apart and reunited. 2. Seeing their partner radiating/being in their element/*confident...they desire you but do not need you as in caregiving=useful but turn off 3. Being surprised, *imagination, playfulness, novelty
I absolutely LOVED this Ted Talk... this describes my previous relationship in so many levels... I should send him the video so he can learn something out of it, because after having broken up 2 times I don't honestly believe he did learn the essence of what I was feeling... :( Merci beaucoup Esther!
Having split up twice… Have you learnt what he was feeling. Learning must always be on both sides. You could ask him what would have been needed to make him content.
By now I've watched this video like 15 times, and I've shown it to so many people. It's almost funny how relationships are so important to everyone but rationally we understand so little about them. A talk like that is a must see for every human being.
This was the first TED talk on this sort of topic that I think actually made any kind of sense to actually try and think about how I can incorporate it into my own life. Good talk.
So, basically, to have passion in desire in your relationships, you have to have it within yourself, in your personal endeavors. If you are a boring person, who just gets by in life with the same ol situation, everyday, with the same ol attitude, and never move outside of your comfort zone for anything, then that is going to translate into your relationships. But if you are energetic, interesting, creative, and able to make the same ol situation into something novel and enjoyable on a regular basis, and you are fascinated by your career, fascinated by your life in general, then that will translate into your personal relationship and eroticism. Take-away from this: To maintain desire in your relationship, have a desire in life itself. Otherwise you just go through the same ol motions everyday, going nowhere and doing nothing, and that's what your relationship will become, too. Also: Don't have kids. Ever. Kids put you into a mindset of being needed, rather than wanted, and into a mode of providing, rather than enticing. You can't be the fun, interesting person that desire desires when you have to make decisions in life based upon the well-being of helpless humans who need you to be stable, regular, predictable, and reliable. Responsibility is the enemy to spontaneity and therefore to desire. So what do those of us who are divorced with kid(s) do?
not sure if I agree on the kids thing... kids bring a closeness like never before and a whole other level of deepness in the relationship because they bond you both together. yes what you described can happen but it isn't a given that it will happen. if you love life, live your children, are willing to try new things then kids won't be an issue.
+It's Me I'm not sure I can agree on kids points either (the rest is spot on). Yes you need to be reliable and stable with the kids. Predictable and regular? Not quite, not always. Kids love spontaneous and random things for as long they are fun and interesting for them. Then again not all the kids are the same.
+JESS MUSIC I am not playing devil's advocate. I am sincerely interested if your husband when asked after the fourth beer would actually, verbally, out loud without hesitation agree. I sincerely hope so and would agree with the sucessful application of this mindset if in fact that's his experience.
Even four beers won't get guys to admit it, but in general, kids put major stresses on relationships in numerous ways, but based on the amount of women (and men, but usually less intensely) want kids, if you're a man and want a marriage, usually kids are part of that package.
I’ve been there-“ Are you going to scold me? Are you going to be mad at me? Are you going to demean me? Are you going to treat me like a child? Esther, Thank you for this wonderful information! I’ve been free from this for several years now. 👏🏾
To me the way she describes love and desire is that both have the same elements withing them. Love is the desire for another, Desire is the love for another.
I'd say her advice is that you have to include the feeling of "novelty" in your relationship by avoiding the state of being an exclusive dyad, living mainly with and for each other. If you give yourself and your partner space "to explore" rather than showing a permanent need for the partner and don't loose the will to do things you're good/passioned at (maybe due to the comfortableness of a long-time-relationship) and keep a positive self-esteem, you're good to go....or something like that^^
Well said! Just hard if you have a partner who isn't "checked in" or willing to allow you both to be spontaneous together. How can you introduce adventure into your relationship if your partner won't let you? And then that same partner shows no desire..
As a Person who was raised by a really over protective grandma I barely can feel pleasure in my life, Everything is so scary to me now, I grew up like the child who looks over his shoulder to see if his mother is angry, My last partner was someone who was exactly the opposite of me and my worries about him not coming back when he went to experience pleasure was taking over my life and I felt lost , I did nit have any idea why I felt that way till I saw this video, thank you so much Esther for make it much more clear for me
Do you have an answer but not a solution. Each of us needs to reveal what doesn’t work and as a result, what does. I appreciate your dialogue. It promotes and provokes my authentic discovery.
Every single idea she conveyed is counterintuitive to current cultural ideas of love. If you follow the ideas conveyed in every single pop song about love you will ultimately achieve the opposite of what she is getting at
+Sina Sayedinazad Actually if you are getting your information on love from current pop songs, you could not have a worst source. Mainstream media today is polluted by oversexualization. What you are listening to is not love, it's lust, what that kind of "love" adds up to is this: the one night stand experince or 2 months sort of relationship that burns down to nothing, because it was fueled by appearances and superficiality. Better place to start looking for deeper love? - try Lord Byron, he may not have the snazzy beat attached and the catchy repetitions, but he's all heart (rather than other bellow the belt driven organs pop songs like to channel).
This what I've been noticing as well. And I started to listen to my favorite love songs and singing back to myself as in myself is the object of my love instead.
My husband and I loved this talk. We read an article that went a little more in depth about her feelings on monogamy but we tend to agree a lot with Esther. We have been married 8 years we are each others best friends and couldn't imagine not being with each other. We don't have an "open marriage" but we aren't monogamous. It is a lot to get into to explain exactly how we work things but our relationship has never been stronger. I love the institution of marriage but I also love the spin we put on t. Every couple will have a different thing that works for them that they just need to discover.
@Zita Borges you can't call your relationship monogamous when you are seeing other people on the side. I love your mental gymnastics though. You certainly know how to deliver a good mind f***.
When desire has been absent because of personal journeys or of personal self . Radiant and confident .. or when a familiar laughs.. and freedom to surrender and feel safe - this lady truly makes it comprehensible to us all.
Separate bedrooms is one way, you don't have to listen to them snore or release wind, you have a bed to yourself and the added bonus is sneaking into each other's beds for fun, it leaves room for mystery and fun, gives you both a break, the other alternative, don't live together
Yeah I've changed my view on this a lot since childhood. It used to be mystifying, now I totally get it and see how it could work for some. Also has the bonus of making consent more explicit and making it harder to take the other for granted.
missFindlesticks I love sleeping with my hubs. He’s always warm and I love his hairy legs. But then again, he doesn’t snore. That could probably change the way I feel.
missFindlesticks I agree. Lots of space - honey and I live in separate places and we are together once a week. And believe me we are crazy about each other. Best relationship EVER. Deep passion
Yes! I completely agree..............great insight. We want so much from our partners now. We feel trapped in the monotony of marriage and kids and family, and yet we want that commitment and security. It can get very boring, but divorce and dating look so much worse lol. Thanks for sharing this great research!
As long as your partner is not asexual. I have been married to an asexual for 50 years. I can honestly say that my wife has never had any REAL desire to have any sexual relations with me. It was all her "wifely duty".
@@janetmelton6890 Last August, my wife and I discovered that she is asexual. I read everything I could find about it while my wife prefers to ignore it. I learned that it is possible for a man to be asexual. However, it seems to be more common with females.
@@janetmelton6890 Um...Janet, Asexuality is a sexuality. The same way it's possible for a man to be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexuality, etc. a man can also be Asexual....🙃
Beautifully researched and clearly stated. So one must b comfortable in their own skin in order to let the walls down and let spontaneity take it's place within life and your relationships, and in order to let the walls down you must have confidence in yourself, have courage, and love yourself in and out. Valentina's Day means nothing if you cannot love yourself :) keep searching for yourself and shortly after you will find the mirror of your desire. Happy Valentine's Day!
After coming out of a great relationship that turnt sour this gives me so much hope as someone who never bothered to invest time into learning about relationships / men
Relationships are harmony-disharmony-repair, connection-disconnection-reconnection. It's in the reconnection that the trust gets built. You have to have a rupture in order to actually build the trust.
Her theory on the mechanism between space and desire makes so much more sense than John Gray’s gender based theory with rubber band analogy which is about release and create tension (attraction) by dialing interpersonal space. It makes more sense now that I realized that it goes both ways, not a gender issue, but a universal law of attraction.
"the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another" that is the key!
Literally read this comment right as she said this haha 🤯
This is one of my main goals in life at the moment :)
Bingo! I know this!
long winded version of "be yourself"
Why do I have a hard time staying connected to myself when I'm in the presence of a lot of others? I feel I close up a lot and can't be myself.
Went to the cinema with my boyfriend the other week. The lady at the cashier had her first day and messed a few things up. She panicked and apologized over and over again. He told her to calm down, that it's totally fine and that she's doing an awesome job. Then he made jokes about his first day at work. I love him even more in moments like these.
❤️ That's beautiful
Love this. I introduced my boyfriend to my extended family at a Christmas party last week (he already knows my immediate family but it was the first time he met my uncle’s family and cousins etc). A little while into the night my cousin’s husband accidentally dropped a bottle on the kitchen floor and stood there watching while my mother stopped what she was doing to clear up. Without thinking twice my boyfriend went over and helped her clear the smashed glass from the floor. Watching him do that felt like one of those moments you described. He’s such a gem and I’m so thankful to have him
You like when your boyfriend flirts with other girls? That’s weird af
@@BoucherYe ...Soo he's not allowed to be nice to other women cause that's automatically flirting? Glad I'm not that kind of girlfriend tbh :D
@@BoucherYe 😂😂 how sad that is. To think that a man has to be flirting if he is nice to a woman.
What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with who you are in order to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion, if you are fulfilled in other field than love, you will give yourselves, and at the same time - each other - space to pursue that. Hence all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness, great turn-on when seeing each other being yourselves. Sure, I simplified it, but if you get individual happiness, your chances to be happy in a relationship and in bed are so much greater.
the importance of individuality
Husstle Bunnii and sharing
japikolee Also I think the 'novelty' part at 8:37 to simplify it too - too project (together) what you truly desire.
Well duuuhhhhhh!
japikolee communication skills and play, a bonus!
What I got from this: when desire leaves a long term relationship it is because one feels responsible for the other and is willing to give up their desire for connectedness. To fix this the other must let go of the one and let them know that you are still going to be there when they come back. Ask yourself "When do I turn myself off?" and "When do I turn myself on?" Communicate these answers with each other and use it to foreplay every minute of your day.
Things just get old. It's unreasonable to expect things to remain alive.
@@SiBorg8A yes it is. Because you think it is of course, but also things don’t just remain alive. You have to keep feeding a fire or it dies out. You have to water a plant or it dies. sometimes you have to plant new seeds altogether! And just to be clear, in the figure cents that I’m using here, you can absolutely do all of those things with the same person you have been with
This talk has lived in my DNA since I first saw it. It has been one of the strongest guides to my decision making and it has unequivocally changed my life for the better. For those and many other reasons Im grateful for Esther for her Interest energy and effort in collecting her research and Ted for giving her a platform to speak and share this powerful message
care to elaborate on how it guides your decision making?
Does it work now?
You sound like an alien or ai trying to learn how to be human.
Every time I scroll through the comments on this talk, there are always so many people who had something click in their mind and it resonates with them. Esther is an amazing speaker and it's so rare to see such a positive response to a TED talk on youtube. I came across this talk a few years ago, and it really helped shape my understanding of relationships. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, and any time I felt like that desire was waning I thought about why I was turning myself off, and being able to have that inward reflection rather than trying to figure out what my partner "wasn't giving me" made such a huge difference in how we would get over a rut. I feel like every couple should watch this talk.
Are you still together now?
U can listen to Esther speak and be excited about what you hear, but in practice it's not that simple.
You have to practice loneness and self-discipline to keep relationships going. There is always a desire to try another person after sometime, how do u wrestle with that?
If you find yourself waning in love after 2yrs, it's over familiarity crawling in too soon. Space and Distancing is key!!
I hope you two are still together
Two years? Thats like 5 minutes. 7 years is the test.
Not necessarily sue, everyone’s relationships are different
I've always had this nostalgic feeling about my husband, like when i look at him, its home, its my best friend, its this person i know, but i also feel simultaneously Like im looking at a stranger, who i could never even begin to know... I think that is the fine line you must dance upon, when you realize that you can never truly know any one, you can't hear their thoughts for sure, you can't even be one hundred percent sure they aren't lying to you. Whose to say any one has ever told the truth? we just dont know.... Well when you realize that... if you can let go of it, like release all stress that comes from that ultimate truth... No fear, or insecurity, paranoia or jealousy. You accept them for what you think they are, but they are mysterious because you dont know, factually what your dealing with when it comes to other human beings, and theres a huge illusion of "familiarity" or "knowingness".... You play with that illusion, of "knowing who some one is" and you feel at home... But you know you will never know them, so you play with that illusion, to be interested, to want to know, to want to learn the mysteries of this other person... And you get to know some things about them, and that makes the connection, and that feeds the desire for security..... But your always longing for more, because you know, deep down, You'll never really know him, or understand him... You'll never be him, so you can just play this illusion to get as close as you can, because whats unattainable is always desirable
Halley-layne Davis thank you. I like your explanation
Perfectly put, how I feel exactly.
well said. it makes sense. many people think we know what others think but we don’t.
Very good
Beautifully put
Mystery it doesn't mean always going to different places its looking at the same thing through different eyes...best fact from this Esther Perel.
andrew johnstone well that is your opinion and you're entitled to it.
+Wilfrida Macharia Did you miss that joke?
its proust fam
Radiant and confident while in your element - this is where the majority of people I know have attracted their mates. This is why when you focus on doing your own thing and not on relying on other people for your happiness, you find "the one". How quickly we forget this..
When you can captivate a room of younger, middle age and older people who identify and/or at the very least, attempt to digest what you are saying, you know you are onto something powerful. Thank you, Esther ❤
😮
And this is what I try to explain to people who don't understand how someone like me, who is asexual, can be married and happy with a sexual person. Because my LP is an intelligent man who keeps things interesting on the intellectual plane (and in sexual situations). And just because I don't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean I can't feel romantic and intellectual attraction. Desire is more than sexual desire. It can be the desire for a connection of the mind, of two people's energy vibrating on the same wave lengths. It can be longing for a sated curiosity or for curiosity to never be sated. Curiosity is what I think drives passion. It's the willingness to explore new things and the desire to step out of the comfort zone or break from a feeling of fear that can feed passion, even if there is no sexual attraction.
Fellow asexual here. I've struggled with much of the same. People so often assume that desire and sexual attraction always happen together. That's not always the case. I'm glad I happened upon someone who feels the same way :)
how do you know that you're asexual?
Well that's sounds great for you, but what about your partner who is not asexual? They must get their needs met somewhere/some how. Sorry but sounds selfish to me.
This woman is so brilliant. Probably the best speaker I have ever seen at a Ted Talk.
Ginina Pulcinella will call
Ginina Pulcinella agreed
Ginina Pulcinella I agree.I'd stack her up against ANY Ted Talker.
Agree, one of the best! I just wanted her to give more specific strategies. But I've heard her book and podcasts and so I know her suggestions such as scheduling in time for intimacy.
Ginina Pulcinella her book Mating in Captivity is well worth the read.
This woman constantly floors me with her eloquence and insight.
She is beyond brilliant
She's a machine gun for psychology. I love her.
It's the French accent for me
That’s what really gets me is the eloquence… but I can see why she is that way, she speaks multiple languages so she’s able to operate in the higher register vocabulary but primarily because she explores the topic so thoroughly with her patients and has the explore the use of language in to turn to work with them and express herself in her work…
Oui elle est formidable 👍
Married 42 years. In every video of hers I have watched, she's been brilliant.
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other.
Most people seem to feel more comfortable around their platonic friends than they do around their romantic partner.
Girls changing their clothes in front of a guy is a very friend-zoney thing to do since that means they don't see their guy friend as a sexual being at that point. A girl being comfortable enough to be naked around a guy means he is in the friend-zone. She trusts him as a safe guy.
Usually when a girl has that kind of relationship with a guy, it means she feels safe enough around him to believe he won’t try anything. Many girls are comfortable being naked around their platonic male friends because they know that their relationship is nothing more than that of real siblings.
So, that means that platonic love is better than romantic love is, and that romantic relationships are not special, while platonic relationships are special.
honestly, one of my favourite ted talks or at least the one I go back to the most. so many powerful, genuine and inspiring messages, you can really feel how she devoted her career with the purpose of helping people navigate their relationships. love the village metaphor too, think about it a lot if we're not expecting too much from just one person.
What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with yourselves to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion and are fulfilled in other fields than love, you will give yourself, and at the same time - each other, space to pursue that. And from that come all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness. Sure, it's not that simple, but if you get individual happiness, your chances of happiness in relationship and in bed are so much greater.
This is excellent. It's a topic that she intelligently explores by going beyond just simply "living into" more of your own true identity and autonomy in order to experience desire again. She's actually dealing with some of the key struggles of humanity and what it takes to be healthily and fully the "you" by looking into the roots of trauma *SO THAT* you can experience freedom in desire.
Like she said, you can be burdened with others fears that have kept your autonomy at bay from a very young age. This is so important to pay attention to. We learn to wear our parents fears like clothes we were never meant to wear, and that do not fit us. I loved her example of how you could literally be physically away from your parental figures who clinged to you for security, yet not actually "away" from them psychologically, until you learn to let them be responsible for themselves.
I really appreciate how she shows how these caretaker type of dynamics can get confused with love:
"If you don't care for me in this way, than you don't love me" is something many people have lived under since childhood. They have chosen to sacrifice their own freedoms so not lose connection with stability.
Fascinating to even make that connection! We humans are complex and have deeply rooted identities that need to be explored, drawn out, and healed in order to experience freedom in our sexuality.
The key, I believe, is to find out what we fear, why we are afraid of it, and what it would be like if we didn't fear it anymore. Who would we be? Where would we go? Where would our security come from, or more importantly, where would we find our securities tied to if avoiding our fears was not the central focus? And then the next step is to bravely and boldly go where we have avoided going for so long. This takes time, patience, and guidance that we can trust. It also take tremendous courage!
Losing security and stability is a massive fear for many and it's often rooted in trauma from a young age. Someone may have attempted to live into their own good desires to explore and learn as a child, but then something fell apart, or they were punished for it. This robs a child of the necessary tools to become an adult. Adults need to be responsible, yet children cannot even know how to even begin to be responsible without being taught. They lack the tools under their belts that are learned throughout years of living life on their own.
Genius.
"Where would we find our securities tied to if avoiding our fears was not the central focus?" Such a strong, reflective point which summarised something I've personally often considered in more recent times. Learning to live more confidently, with stronger self-love and less fear about others conclusions on my decisions.
This is a really good comment, thanks for taking the time and thought to write it.
Wow. What especially struck me was her explaining in what situations people feel drawn to their partner.
My partner is very passionate over text and when I visit them, something that is not as prevelent in me.
But when I see them perform, talk about a passion project and just express so much of their energy, I feel such pure happiness inside myself
Was going to like but unliked cause you’re at 69 likes
@@damonm3 Well, good news, someone less immature liked for you.
It wasn't me.
@@IgnoreMeImWrong wow, so not fun. Looser!
@@damonm3 Your bowels must be loose too many vowels.
@@IgnoreMeImWrong Damon's joke aroused my erotic self
This is hands down the best Ted Talk I've ever viewed, almost 9 years later and I can still learn from this. Thank you.
3:40: nail on the head. We ask one person to provide everything we used to ask of an entire village…. And then we wonder why marriages crumble. It is quite simply unfair to put all that on one other human being. It is mentally and spiritually exhausting; it turns us all into vampires.
Wonderful speaker, this woman knows her stuff! Confident, elegant and touching, she inspires women who want to pursue their passions and curiosity.
Тhе Wоmen Мen Adоrе (Аnd Nеvеr Want Tо Lеаvе) => twitter.com/3ac3041c00204e45d/status/804693412402241537 Тhе seсret tо dеsire in а lоng tеrm reеlatiоnshiр Еsthеr Реrеl
That account does not exists. (04/06/2017)
Agree, love her, inspiring!
If you like the way she talks about relationships, you might check out her podcast, "Where Should We Begin?"
I think she is addressing the emotionally underdeveloped people. Grown up people know how to sustain a marriage.
When you are single AF and you still keep watching about relationship things.
Tiny Hương It's like reading the research before you start writing the paper.
@@beth8775 Or pouring salt onto the wound of something you'll never get.
@@Adorrae Maybe it is your pessimism that's the problem.
@@beth8775 To be single all my life is a track record of proof that don't require subjective speculation.
If Freud was (partially) right about one thing, it's that sexual desire pervades our psyche. This talk can be helpful for any desire and any relationship, not just a sexual relationship with a significant other.
The secret is to never forget what started the desire in the first place adventure, lust, conviction and uncertainty. As Tony Robbins says the more uncertainty you can accept the more fulfilling your relationship will be.
I love watching my partner from a distance. I fall back and just watch him. I love the curve of his jaw and the nape of his neck. I love seeing him laughing with others. I feel proud of him.
i think youre a good wife to hi!
Thanks for reminding how alone I am...
France Clémence Fradet He must really value you. What a blessing.
I find that too. I love looking at him. Especially if he’s concentrating. He’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, I love watching him think a problem through.
U seem great! Now I know why my girl likes just watching me.
Genius at work. Impressed by the tempo, the jokes, the insight and the distictions and the fun she is having giving her talk. And this is already zeven years old now but it feels totally now and for ever.
On our 51st Valentine's Day, I can attest to the truth of this presentation. Excellent words to live by.
59 years now. How’s it going?
I've always wondered... are couples that stay together for several years just the kinkiest people behind closed doors... its a mystery
@@makennapercy6515 yes
@@makennapercy6515 me and my wife are :)
Responsibility and desire don't work together.
Erotic couples know how to resurrect passion.
Intentional and willful Spontaneity.
Thank you so much, Esther.
AdjrianNickelodeon h
AdjrianNickelodeon Desire is wanting to eat the junk food and responsibility is eating the healthy food.
@@jmgmetal if you condition your brain, so that eating the healthy food is desire, you win!
I didn't understand this adjrian! Could you please explain it to me, couldn't you?
@@michaelstrohmaier402 I do this
I have to say that I like when my partner needs me. I need to have that relationship for many reasons. Sometimes she needs me to be there with her. And sometimes I need her to be with me. I don't simply want her, I actually need her.
For sure we can survive even without each other, but it would be a much more miserable life.
She gives so much information and wisdom in that video and I’m like “hold on, I want to take notes”. I love how she integrates her psychology knowledge to make it relevant for the subject of desire.
She spoke facts for real.
Really!
Exactly, totally the same
Love, security, and predictability, and desire , need not oppose each other. Gratitude for having found a loved one, for who they are, and how that’s a hard to find commodity, can lead to ongoing passion. So can realistic expectations: nothing but nothing stays the same in life.
Still searching
+33757911329
Somehow the person that is an expert is more believable. If I were you I'd worry about my relationship.
@@MarcoBonechiu missed their point
To Draw our attention for 20 minutes, in a talk without an audiovisual aid, it needs real substance, which this presentation has. Wonderful, with great insight into the issue.
I liked a lot of her points. My disagreement is with care and responsibility. It can be a turnoff, but sometimes knowing that you are cared for is a turn on. Knowing how much your care is appreciated, is a turn on itself.
same
You are without a doubt the best lecturer I have ever heard. My common law wife just left me a few weeks ago, and you have helped me know some of the reasons why. Thank you.
This woman is amazing, I want to hear more.
Also, she described what I think society should march towards: unconditional love. You can put boundaries and rules in your children without making it personal, without stringing them to your needs and guilt-trip them... Needless to mention adult relationships because it all starts in childhood.
A lot of things she mentioned here, like putting into anthropological/biological perspective our unrealistic goals. But I think personally that it is really important to give some freedom to your partner. I am not into polyamory because I don't think I would be able to, but I would make an effort and try and give some freedom to my partner for them to not feel caged with me.
I've been with my lover for 37 years married for 35 - that very last statement this genius makes -so true . I'm glad we had figured out things , even before the internet was born , but this woman's insights , and her delivery are masterful.
I just love Esther Perel she is so accurate about the dynamic of relationship. It's nice that she's helping us all to be aware of the pit fall of relationships. Awareness is always a good thing to prevent pit falls in relationships, not to say we should think about it all the time that we get paranoid, but to use the tool how to improve and prevent through communication between couples.
*doesn't have girlfriend
*has test tomorrow
*in youtube at 2:00am
*continues watching
* has an Assassin's Creed profile picture. （That game probably scares the ladies away）
2:00am and watching this too, bud.
Same, im not in a relationship-- it's late, and I have homework to do and school tomorrow but yet I'm attentively watching this video 😆I think it's because she's so memorizing and engaging to listen to.
So? Did you pass good sir?
Hahaha LMAO on your comment😂 #relatingsomuch
This is one of the smartest women ive listened to in my life, thank you
Few people speak this much sense so concisely, thankyou for your wisdom
Great speech!
Sexual desire and passion cannot be really powerful without space, distance, mystery, uncertainty and naughtyness.
we want a relationship to reduce uncertainty though!
But it's about can you live with some uncertainty. Because uncertainty is one of the certainties of life.
The part about being most drawn to your partner when they're doing what their passionate about... I totally get that.
I bet her husband felt SO MUCH drawn to her when she was delivering this talk :D
Why do you assume she has a husband? Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's attracted to men.
Her husband is a well known psychologist working with trauma. Maybe he just happen to know that?
@@XEinstein how DARE you Alfredo does assume instead of actually KNOW that she does indeed have a husband? Stupid dumbass comment without any value. Her Husband is Jack Saul btw.
@Gibson Trevor and you're scam!
Or all of this is a ruse. She's as miserable as the rest of us.
I'm so greatful to have access to the thoughts of genius people like this woman. I'm only 24 and I am already learning such important things which takes others a life time to understand, if at all.
She's one of those unique ones who spreads original information, not some repetitive collection of others' right and wrong ideas, and in a unique way which is funny and enjoyable too.
I haven't heard anything on youtube that I resonated with quite as much as this - by the looks of it the whole audience was just as mesmerized. Esther is a straight maverick.
Still searching
Her vocabulary has to be maxed prestige.
ikr!
Cameron Bass Jane Austen level 😭
Agreed. She speaks 8 languages, and I can hear the influence of several in her vocab. She uses a lot of English words that are cognates in other languages. Learning other languages is a wonderful way to improve your vocab in English!
@@thrivinginNL So good for your brain too. And soul : )
John Whitfield Yes. I think she’s French because she used many words derivated from Latin, regularly used in French.
Eye-opening, mind-blowing speech! Human mind is prone to paradox, and that fact often puzzles us. We need people like Esther Perel to help us understand that what seems chaotic or simply weird has an inner pattern.
Great lecture, amazing intelligence. her theories and premises are so cleverly thought through and then placed in perspective. And she delivered so much thought in 20 minutes that you really need a lot of time afterwards to process it. You can also notice on her facial expressions and the speed of speaking that she has a lot more in thoughts but not the time to deliver.
I have watched many lectures by Esther Perel, she is inspiringly intelligent.
Well said
Esther Perel = Belgium’s most valuable export. National treasure. 🙌 ❤ 🇧🇪
(JC Van Damme was a close 2nd)
This woman’s confidence, wisdom and eloquence are something the world continually needs more of.
I have a damn good wife and she has been by my side through all of the terrible things that I have done, through my addiction of 10 years, lying and cheating but has been nothing but faithful and forgiven me over and over again. I had to hit rock bottom and have the threat of losing my wife and my family to wake up after 18 years and give her the best me. Idk how she has done it for so long and still love me as well as seeing the best in me. Thank God I am getting my own counseling and I have been shown my issues all the way back to my childhood as well as marriage counseling we are now back stronger than ever and we are in love again like we were. I'm a lucky man I hope that everyone is lucky enough to find theirs
Damn.
Death.
Couples that understand that their time is limited(shorter than it seems) are always bring the best they can into the relationship.
Agree!!!
Or they're waiting for me to die
Garnet S Word o
Honestly deathbed perspective made my life so much better. It's like when they talk about the Holocaust victims. Some didn't die, and some lived.
Garnet S Word i agree, understanding how short life is makes it easy to stay committed to someone
"in desire, we want a bridge to cross. or in other words, fire needs air. desire needs space."
"it's when i'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance. where this other person that is so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. and in this space, between me and the other lies the erotic unknown. lies that movement toward the other. because sometimes as proust says mystery is not about traveling to new places but it's about looking with new eyes."
Steph Chen I liked that part best, about the comfortable distance where you finally get to see your partner in a way that you really only ever catch glimpses of. once in a while you get to sit back, safely, and watch them exist in their own world, where they know what they know and they do things with intention, backed by their own knowledge and life experience, of which you are not a part of. it's thrilling to see them in their own world, its impressive to see how they operate, sometimes without reference to you, or the role you play, or the world that you inhabit. it makes you appreciate all that they bring to the table of your relationship, and reminds you that there is so much more depth to every human than just what our flat surfaces bump into every day. it's exciting, makes you celebrate them for the person they are, and it's humbling to see how big or how little of a role your world has on theirs.
Steph Chen - very erudite
Steph Chen touché
I don't think I have ever read a more intelligent comment. Cool.
Keep feeling the mystery
Ester Perel has so much to offer us and our relationships! Truly an inspiration!
When she said that people expect lust to fall from the heaven when you're folding the laundry, I thought "It'd fall from heaven if HE was folding the laundry" XD
Heather Baker I laughed so hard at this 😂😂👌
And if you lived alone you would still be folding your laundry. What you really want is a maid, and resent the fact that you are his.
Nope, if he started folding the laundry, you would just want him to wash the dishes next...
Your love language is probably acts of service ☺️
@@danielmaine45 but the fact that he wasn't already folding the laundry or washing the dishes would probably mean that he (you?) wouldn't really deserve her lust.
I think real desire transcends physicality. To truly be bonded to someone in a way that your passion for them doesn't fade is when you connect to them on an internal, personal level. People think they love one another but if they look deeper into why they are together or why the picked that person, the answer is in the word picked. To pick someone implies motive, even if it is unconscious. To be drawn to someone is a different matter to picking someone. To be drawn to someone is an internal longing that comes from a different space and so cannot be exhausted because it was never based on a consequence. That's why drawn is despite yourself, picked has reasons, reasons change and go away, but if you love and desire someone from a place you can't explain how can it run out. There is a difference between desire and convenience, there is a difference between wanting someone and wanting something from someone. True desire comes out of you ,you don't have to create it ,it's no effort because it flows out of you. People only have to make an effort because the desire was never really there in the first place. And that stems back to the fact that people tend to marry or date for the wrong reasons. While security and building stability are obvious things that couples should strive for you should not pick a partner on that basis. You are drawn to someone for a reason, you then as a team exploit each other's strengths and weaknesses to the benefit of the unit. If you do this you will have someone you want in good times and bad, you can build a business and even a life with anyone but if you want desire and passion to last its about picking the right person, there is no way around it. If you find you lack desire along the way you need to be very honest about wwether or not it was ever really there.
With all due respect, and maybe you’re deliberately doing so, but this is basically the opposite of what she is presenting in the talk
@@ThatGumYouLiked 😂😂😂
It doesnt matter the subject she talks about... each of her sentences resonate multiple meanings in my brain! What a great speaker!!!
Paola Soto, you look stunning
How can anyone have given this a thumbs-down? Esther's presentation was absolutely amazing.
wooooaaa woooaaa all of my respects!!! you talk like a real professional, like someone who really cares for investigation and understanding of a subject... now you have a big fan!!! so many true tings, like wanting intimacy but space at the same time, and, well, just god, the whole 20 min were golden words!!!
I've learned a lot from this. I'm gonna try and simplify what she mentioned in the video. Think about the time you got attracted or into the person you are now together with. What was it about them that made you desire them? Think about that. It also helps to take pictures or written love notes from those moments in time. It let's you got back in time to remember what you felt and how you were as individuals. You were yourself. You did your thing and were passionate about it. Learn to keep that in a long term relationship. Never forget what made you who you are, and what you enjoyed doing. If only for an hour a day, make it your personal goal to grow or try something different that you personally wanted to do outside of "us". Think about YOU. Just setting aside some time what made you the individual you've become. When that moment is done, focus on the love and closeness of why you chose to be with this person and provide the love and security they enjoy
If you are feeling your partner might be cheating on you, but there's no definite evidence. You're faced with two alternatives seek out the facts, or to turn a blind eye. Selecting the first choice, although often suitable in the short term, is incredibly damaging for your personally, But for your children and family, not only in the long run too. Seeking the truth out isn't simple either as I mentioned before, technology had made infidelity much easier to conceal than in the past, however it also provides opportunities for revealing getting the evidence needed to establish them & affairs. I hate cheaters, my husband never gave me a reason to be suspicious until I found him and her colleague at a romantic restaurant. They told me it was work stuff but something wasn't right. I was worried until I was introduced to ultimate hack who offer Remote Installation to the his device, They build a web Dashboard for monitoring, 24x7 monitoring (Live GPS), They also gave me full access into the Social apps (Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc. There service is 100 % Anonymous, SHA-256 Encrypted Data, They also recover all Deleted Messages and Data you can contact via gmail ultimatehack003@gmail,com or whatsapp +17202954268 wishing you the best.
That wonderful woman gave one of the best lectures I've ever seen. She is a brilliant communicator not just in content but in delevery a true MASTERCLASS
Common reasons we are drawn to our partner across almost every culture she polled: 1. Being apart and reunited. 2. Seeing their partner radiating/being in their element/*confident...they desire you but do not need you as in caregiving=useful but turn off 3. Being surprised, *imagination, playfulness, novelty
Ask yourself: "I turned off my desire when..." 12:20
I absolutely LOVED this Ted Talk... this describes my previous relationship in so many levels... I should send him the video so he can learn something out of it, because after having broken up 2 times I don't honestly believe he did learn the essence of what I was feeling... :(
Merci beaucoup Esther!
Having split up twice… Have you learnt what he was feeling. Learning must always be on both sides. You could ask him what would have been needed to make him content.
She is my all-time favorite TED speaker, so eloquent, so succinct, and funny to boot!
She’s simply amazing to watch and listen to.
By now I've watched this video like 15 times, and I've shown it to so many people. It's almost funny how relationships are so important to everyone but rationally we understand so little about them. A talk like that is a must see for every human being.
Die schönsten Vorträge sind die von Menschen, die große Freude an dem Thema haben, über das sie etwas erzählen wollen.
This was the first TED talk on this sort of topic that I think actually made any kind of sense to actually try and think about how I can incorporate it into my own life. Good talk.
So, basically, to have passion in desire in your relationships, you have to have it within yourself, in your personal endeavors. If you are a boring person, who just gets by in life with the same ol situation, everyday, with the same ol attitude, and never move outside of your comfort zone for anything, then that is going to translate into your relationships. But if you are energetic, interesting, creative, and able to make the same ol situation into something novel and enjoyable on a regular basis, and you are fascinated by your career, fascinated by your life in general, then that will translate into your personal relationship and eroticism.
Take-away from this: To maintain desire in your relationship, have a desire in life itself. Otherwise you just go through the same ol motions everyday, going nowhere and doing nothing, and that's what your relationship will become, too.
Also: Don't have kids. Ever. Kids put you into a mindset of being needed, rather than wanted, and into a mode of providing, rather than enticing. You can't be the fun, interesting person that desire desires when you have to make decisions in life based upon the well-being of helpless humans who need you to be stable, regular, predictable, and reliable.
Responsibility is the enemy to spontaneity and therefore to desire.
So what do those of us who are divorced with kid(s) do?
+It's Me It's too late lel
not sure if I agree on the kids thing... kids bring a closeness like never before and a whole other level of deepness in the relationship because they bond you both together. yes what you described can happen but it isn't a given that it will happen. if you love life, live your children, are willing to try new things then kids won't be an issue.
+It's Me I'm not sure I can agree on kids points either (the rest is spot on). Yes you need to be reliable and stable with the kids. Predictable and regular? Not quite, not always. Kids love spontaneous and random things for as long they are fun and interesting for them. Then again not all the kids are the same.
+JESS MUSIC I am not playing devil's advocate. I am sincerely interested if your husband when asked after the fourth beer would actually, verbally, out loud without hesitation agree. I sincerely hope so and would agree with the sucessful application of this mindset if in fact that's his experience.
Even four beers won't get guys to admit it, but in general, kids put major stresses on relationships in numerous ways, but based on the amount of women (and men, but usually less intensely) want kids, if you're a man and want a marriage, usually kids are part of that package.
I’ve been there-“ Are you going to scold me? Are you going to be mad
at me? Are you going to demean me? Are you going to treat me like a child? Esther, Thank you for this wonderful information! I’ve been free from this for several years now. 👏🏾
To me the way she describes love and desire is that both have the same elements withing them. Love is the desire for another, Desire is the love for another.
Esther Perel is amazing. Insight, clarity, truth.
I'd say her advice is that you have to include the feeling of "novelty" in your relationship by avoiding the state of being an exclusive dyad, living mainly with and for each other. If you give yourself and your partner space "to explore" rather than showing a permanent need for the partner and don't loose the will to do things you're good/passioned at (maybe due to the comfortableness of a long-time-relationship) and keep a positive self-esteem, you're good to go....or something like that^^
Basically .38 Special got it right. "Hold On Loosely, but don't let go; if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control" 🤠
Well said! Just hard if you have a partner who isn't "checked in" or willing to allow you both to be spontaneous together. How can you introduce adventure into your relationship if your partner won't let you? And then that same partner shows no desire..
***** So right. "Open" marriage is ridiculous.
Tanya Beatt
YOLO
As a Person who was raised by a really over protective grandma I barely can feel pleasure in my life, Everything is so scary to me now, I grew up like the child who looks over his shoulder to see if his mother is angry, My last partner was someone who was exactly the opposite of me and my worries about him not coming back when he went to experience pleasure was taking over my life and I felt lost , I did nit have any idea why I felt that way till I saw this video, thank you so much Esther for make it much more clear for me
RomnyCDoncamatic Me too. I'm really sensitive. It doesn't pay to be sensitive in the bedroom.
Do you have an answer but not a solution. Each of us needs to reveal what doesn’t work and as a result, what does. I appreciate your dialogue. It promotes and provokes my authentic discovery.
she’s very well spoken. I could listen to her talk all day
This lady is brilliant. Bless her for articulating these concepts and sharing this wisdom.
Relationships serve to show us how we show up in relationship to ourself.
Every single idea she conveyed is counterintuitive to current cultural ideas of love. If you follow the ideas conveyed in every single pop song about love you will ultimately achieve the opposite of what she is getting at
wow extremely insightful sina
+Sina Sayedinazad Actually if you are getting your information on love from current pop songs, you could not have a worst source. Mainstream media today is polluted by oversexualization. What you are listening to is not love, it's lust, what that kind of "love" adds up to is this: the one night stand experince or 2 months sort of relationship that burns down to nothing, because it was fueled by appearances and superficiality. Better place to start looking for deeper love? - try Lord Byron, he may not have the snazzy beat attached and the catchy repetitions, but he's all heart (rather than other bellow the belt driven organs pop songs like to channel).
This what I've been noticing as well. And I started to listen to my favorite love songs and singing back to myself as in myself is the object of my love instead.
If you believe current cultural ideas thru pop songs, Then pop culture has done its job
@ sadly we have seen a rise of people killing their partners/spouses/crush because of this.
Superb command of the English language. Natural presentation. Confident. Eloquent. A triumph seldom see and heard.
Wow! She's one of the best TED talk speakers I've watched so far. Great presentation and information!
My husband and I loved this talk. We read an article that went a little more in depth about her feelings on monogamy but we tend to agree a lot with Esther. We have been married 8 years we are each others best friends and couldn't imagine not being with each other. We don't have an "open marriage" but we aren't monogamous. It is a lot to get into to explain exactly how we work things but our relationship has never been stronger. I love the institution of marriage but I also love the spin we put on t. Every couple will have a different thing that works for them that they just need to discover.
Matthew Robinson I'm sorry can you go into detail about what you do?
If you aren’t monogamous, and you both have that agreement together, then you have an open relationship.
Well said.
@Zita Borges you can't call your relationship monogamous when you are seeing other people on the side. I love your mental gymnastics though. You certainly know how to deliver a good mind f***.
Pure GOLD!
Very few speakers are so generous in meaning and wisdom. So very much being said in so few words. Invaluable.
Thank you Very much indeed.
there's kind of a lot of words here
"There is no neediness in desire."
That part is particularly relevant!
When desire has been absent because of personal journeys or of personal self . Radiant and confident .. or when a familiar laughs.. and freedom to surrender and feel safe - this lady truly makes it comprehensible to us all.
Separate bedrooms is one way, you don't have to listen to them snore or release wind, you have a bed to yourself and the added bonus is sneaking into each other's beds for fun, it leaves room for mystery and fun, gives you both a break, the other alternative, don't live together
Yeah I've changed my view on this a lot since childhood. It used to be mystifying, now I totally get it and see how it could work for some. Also has the bonus of making consent more explicit and making it harder to take the other for granted.
missFindlesticks I love sleeping with my hubs. He’s always warm and I love his hairy legs. But then again, he doesn’t snore. That could probably change the way I feel.
TheBeofox I don’t know. I guess I’ll worry about it if it happens.
missFindlesticks I agree. Lots of space - honey and I live in separate places and we are together once a week. And believe me we are crazy about each other. Best relationship EVER. Deep passion
Separate house would be fine as well.
this is the third time i see this video and everytime i discover more things. i need to write a lot of quotes from what she said. awesome
lunareyes same
Did you ever write those quotes?
or you need to find another man
Yes! I completely agree..............great insight. We want so much from our partners now. We feel trapped in the monotony of marriage and kids and family, and yet we want that commitment and security. It can get very boring, but divorce and dating look so much worse lol. Thanks for sharing this great research!
Never lose that sexual tension! Whether it be a sense of humor; a needed hug; or a Zen moment. Desire does not fade.
As long as your partner is not asexual. I have been married to an asexual for 50 years. I can honestly say that my wife has never had any REAL desire to have any sexual relations with me. It was all her "wifely duty".
@@user-fw1wd2gb1w Is it possible for a man to be asexual?
@@janetmelton6890 Last August, my wife and I discovered that she is asexual. I read everything I could find about it while my wife prefers to ignore it. I learned that it is possible for a man to be asexual. However, it seems to be more common with females.
@@janetmelton6890 yes
@@janetmelton6890 Um...Janet, Asexuality is a sexuality. The same way it's possible for a man to be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexuality, etc. a man can also be Asexual....🙃
This lady has something to say and does a remarkable presentation on her subject matter. My hats off to her talent
It’s that degree in French Literature that has her being so wonderfully articulate in what is not her first language.
Beautifully researched and clearly stated. So one must b comfortable in their own skin in order to let the walls down and let spontaneity take it's place within life and your relationships, and in order to let the walls down you must have confidence in yourself, have courage, and love yourself in and out. Valentina's Day means nothing if you cannot love yourself :) keep searching for yourself and shortly after you will find the mirror of your desire. Happy Valentine's Day!
Thank you Esther Perel for stimulating my brain's G spot with that talk!
;)
I would like to take you to dinner with no agenda other than great conversation to stimulate your brain's G spot even further.
Probably spit their water at you when you say something funny... lol. I tried really hard but i couldnt resist 😂
ON GOD
Ew
beautifully explained. basically the whole point lays in the attachment theory. very psychodynamic, love it!
“and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.” Beautiful ty
After coming out of a great relationship that turnt sour this gives me so much hope as someone who never bothered to invest time into learning about relationships / men
What specifically gave you hope from this talk that you think needs tp be highlighted for all the people in a similar situation to you?
OMG!!! I love her accent!!! is so enchanting ..... plus she is really good at doing public speaking ( really good role model)
Relationships are harmony-disharmony-repair, connection-disconnection-reconnection. It's in the reconnection that the trust gets built. You have to have a rupture in order to actually build the trust.
I would only dream to have 10% of her experience in life that led to knowledge. She is a master of mind and relationships of any kind.
Respect!
This is by far the best Ted Talk I've listened to.
Her theory on the mechanism between space and desire makes so much more sense than John Gray’s gender based theory with rubber band analogy which is about release and create tension (attraction) by dialing interpersonal space. It makes more sense now that I realized that it goes both ways, not a gender issue, but a universal law of attraction.