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@@kenthazara5477 I believe what she was conveying is that there is no female equivalent to the frustration that is erectile difficulty. Her statements shortly before and after that sentence help clarify and contextualize.
"What is self-esteem? It is the ability to view ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. It's anything but perfection. So, welcome your flaws, people."
@VKRGFAN It's more complicated than that. Perfection is impossible, but if you don't try to better yourself, you become a loser, or a stagnant narcissist.
@VKRGFAN WRONG!! everyone is perfect!! This is why people are lost. You forget how beautiful and perfect you really are. You have been told negative things and you believed it. YOU ARE PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL!!! Dont limit youselves. Love yourselves with light and perfection. Enjoy your experiences this is why you came here. To experience.
I am both flawed yet worthy at the same time. I feel this makes it rather easy for me to accept others just as they are as well because there are no expectations. You and I are enough just as we are.
When she says “we make love with the whole body...not just the genitals...if we stay focused on just the genitals it’s reductionistic and rather boring...there’s a lot of instruments in this orchestra”. BOOOOM!!!
The beauty of this is that she does NOT pit men against women. So many other RUclips vids bash unnecessarily one sex and draws lines in the sand and supports how to manipulate others to get what you want. My bottom line is that if someone is unwilling or unable to give me what I need, I don't try to force them. It might mean that that person is just not compatible with me or I them and the best thing to do is move on.
True! I'm fed up with the portrait of men as villains and women as victims. We shouldn't forget while we empower women and fight for their rights that men are our sons, brothers, fathers, and husbands. They are not the enemy.
OR you all just need to REMEMBER the beautiful entities that you really are. You are not slaves or money hungry greedy zombies came to roam the earth. You are beings of love and light and when you remember who you are, you will understand that you dont need money or relationships or others validations or status etc......the ego will disappear and in its place is just pure love.
@@irw4350 Everyone in the world are waking up, you too will get there. The reason the elite and governments and religions got away with so much injustice to mankind is that they put everyone to sleep by making them believe they are worthless and powerless and dependent on money and silly beliefs. But all this is coming to an end with people finally waking up and understanding who they really are. You too will wake up soon. Love and light xxx
@pinkah boo I'm with you, sis. We're NOT all love & light. THAT is a New Age concept that fails miserably in reality because it's based on a faulty premise. We're MANY things.
She is excellent with words and with putting out there "questions". She Is Jewish. Daughter of Holocaust survivors- It plays a big part in her erotic inteligence
Shruthi Reddy that’s her second language advantage. Have you heard of Björk? A singer from Iceland; Her lyrics are so simple yet so deep. Check her out!
Esther getting to the points that we all need to hear on the ethics of relationships: - Elevate your sense of thoughtfulness and accountability. - Take action and reach out to those you care about and who care for you in return. - Give to the other person not what you want, but what they want. You are not the measuring stick. - When you realize you've caused someone stress or pain. Do something to show them that "I see myself through your eyes, and I know what I have just done and tried to get away with." - Welcome your flaws, share what you struggle with, and make the world a more humble place. There is nothing more important in my life than my relationships with others. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How much have I attended to the relationships in my life in comparison to other success markers in my life? What have I done? Am I showing up? Is there someone I've been meaning to call because they're sick, and every day I forget? See the points on the ethics of relationships.
"I don't know what your relationship is like sexually, but I have a sense for both of you it's been massively outcome-driven, rather unimaginative, too fast, and unsatisfying for both of you. It's terrible to be with a man who you feel is only pleasing himself and it's terrible to be with a woman who you feel is just giving you pity sex. So, no matter what's gonna happen, the first thing is touch. How you touch each other, how you stroke each other, how you kiss each other, with zero outcome in mind. Touch in itself is plenty of outcome."
U just made me realize how much I never want to attempt physical intimacy again w/the guy I married lol. The idea alone that he could ever find pleasure & happiness in reciprocating, instead of just laying there & getting whatever he wants, is so unrealistic that even the effort it takes to imagine it feels like a silly waste of my precious time on earth lol. I don't think my son would do well if I pursued another relationship either, and I'm not even sure it would be worth my time, so I guess that part of my life is over. 🤷 It sucks, for sure, but it's not the saddest story I've ever heard either. Life is still good, even if you don't get everything you hoped for! 💞🌠
"When you know that you're asking in a way that guarantees that you're not gonna get". that just summarized almost all of the communication problems I've ever encountered.
@@christinah.8504 I think that's a very important question. How can you love someone else if you were not raised knowing and hearing that your parents love you? Parents of the war generations had a huge problem expressing that feeling
Whoa, this is my first encounter with Esther Perel..and EXACTLY what I need today, moving into a new relationship with a woman, who is also a therapist, and will not take any bullshit from me. Expansion here we come..Thank You!
"Stable ambiguity = the situation when it's just enough to feel alone with some of the comforts of consistency, but certainly not too much to feel like I've lost my freedom and I'm now committed and trapped"
This is a MUST for every married couple BEFORE they marry. There is nothing more beautiful than two becoming one and intimacy in every respect based on giving is the pinnacle. Every word she says is just truth and if you can live with the truth you will ultimately be fulfilled. Ester, you are restoring the ultimate gift that G-d gave to humanity.
YES! The same relationship can become three and four loves over a lifetime! I applauded in my livingroom when she said this. But, try to convince a younger person who is having first-time difficulties, leading them to feel maybe their union is over and they stop trying. They make things major important, as we all did first time out, that yrs later will show as not significant at all. Bless this beautiful woman.
Yes this is so true. Having been in a 40 yr relationship we have had several relationships with different sex lives to each.The first 6 years were a love affair that so shocked us both at 32 and 37. He had been a swinger with his first wife and thought he had experienced everything possible with women. I had had two monogamous relationships of several years duration before him so hadnt much real world experience of variety ...lots of theory though as a psychology professor. We fell in love, each of us, for the first time! Neither of us BELIEVED such a thing truly existed. It was like meeting our twin but in an erotic, not familial way. IT astounded us both, it was a surprise and shock! Then business setbacks intruded and we went through a period of trying to comfort each other but being wounded by LIFE. We waited it out, we KNEW each of us had not changed , just the circumstances and we outwaited it. Then our relationship entered its second honeymoon phase when we retired and began cruising on our sailboat..HEAVEN. And zero stress...zero world. Our relationship flousished again. After several years my mother became ill and there was only me to care for her, so we sold the boat and moved to a foreign country bringing her here...it was challenging but he was a dear . Then we bought and spent several years renovating a property exhilirating but challenging, and fun, but tiring too. AND AFTER THE house was all done and decorated etc we started traveling again via cruise ship and plane and entered a new phase of exploration of the outer world. After several years of that when COVID started we stayed home and explored inward and fond new vitality and fun sexually and emptionally with each other. This has been the second most precious phase of our nestly ALL wonderful relationship. The sex is the most satisfying ever, what a surpise at THIS age..we complete 41 yrs tomorrow and in August he will be 80 amd I will be 75. Still going strong, happy and always learning about and exploring each other. We have been explorers. and adventurers outward and most importantly inward, all along. We could easily have split up during that economically pressured era and look at all the JOY we would have missed!
Women are trying too hard to be something they are not or can’t . Lower your goals , stop with the ideal white knight relationship and romanticizing your relationship indefinitely. Start their .
@@MrCanigou Google the "Love Languages" amigo. There are 5 main ones (eg, words of affirmation/praise, gifts, spending time...) Then you'll have awareness of how *you* recognise the feeling of love, and you'll also know how to encourage other's to explore & express how *they* do. Honestly it's precious knowledge. Best wishes👍🏻🕊️
I hope every man will open their eyes and begin to love what they have at the very moment for the future and healthy married or relatiinship. Atleast you accepted your mistakes and now i think its forgiven.so look forward and try again. Ita never too late.
I loved what she said at the end. It’s is the spirit of the “Golden Rule”. “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.” Her change doesn’t seem like a change to me. But rather what “the rule” means. Give unto others what they want or need. Not what you would want or think they need. That I like and that will take communicative intelligence.
She had me in tears within the first 5 minutes - "The people who did not die (..) certainly could not enjoy or experience pleasure because if you did you were not on guard, and if you're not on guard shit could happen."
I think the same way as this woman and have been single for 11 years . Its been up and down . I am just trying to cope with the fear. Of being alone for the rest of my life. It's hard.
I wish I'd discovered her work years ago. Still, I'm glad to have found her because so much of what she says resonates so much with what I've been struggling with in my marriage.
Her voice alone makes you listen . Fascinating wise woman . Her role at the heart of life . Ghosting sadly I think has become intrinsic with online communication . I hold my hand up to it .
She's simply mesmerizing on all fronts. Relevant & worth listening to at least once. Watching maybe more...& by that I mean: watch a passionate person captivate an audience, naturally. Purely. Graciously.
When I work on sex with couples, I'm actually much more interested in talking about eroticism than how people come to experience this thing called "the act of sex." Because many people, and women for sure, have you done this act for centuries and felt nothing. I'm interested in the meaning given to the sex, in the beauty of it for the person, in the poetics of it. So I often say, 'Sex isn't just something that we do, sex is a place we go.' Where do you go in sex, what parts of you do you connect with? What is it that you'e trying to express and feel?
"What is self-esteem? It is the ability to view ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. It's anything but perfection. So, welcome your flaws, people." That's eactly how I have viewed and held myself. I knew I was doing the right thing.
Omg.. I now realise, I've been counseling people with their marriage issues by first and foremost analyzing their ways of connecting sexually, all this time without knowing that a pro like Esther also advocates its importance. Sex, is like a backdoor entry to a person's psyche and therefore understanding the layers that color a relationship. I'm, just blown away.. thanks Esther! Such a wonderful validation for me...omg
The touch is the most sincere expression of the feelings one partner has FOR the touched one. A fugitive or a brutal touch tells more than a million words.
Two kinds of people... givers and takers... the only combination that works is two givers... all others fail... or one in the relationship is unhappy...
Jeeezuss this is one of the most heart hitting talks on sprituality and sexuality I’ve heard. I am such a sexual creature and to hear this woman using this sexuality as a basis for teaching me who I am and how I want to become to be...I’m hooked. Going to longer up now. I am indeed a flawed individual and I hold myself in high regards anyway. I most certainly embrace my flaws...unapologetically me.
Good talk. There are many good points that I can learn from. There was one point that really resonated with me; when Esther states not to treat the other person the way we want to be treated by how they want to be treated. I had come to this realization within the last year or so. Oddly enough, I have tried to communicate this idea to others but that was not well received. Hearing Esther state it makes me confident that I am correct.
So many little gems in this! For whatever reason, I feel like in this particular video, she is speaking directly to me. (I am completely aware that this is not possible, it's just the way I feel.) I am ultimately responsible for all of my experiences and how my action affect others and their experiences with me.
Esther is such a smart, clear, diverse and fun presenter! I love her and I am learning still (on my third stage in life), thanks to her excellence, vision and passion for wanting to make a difference for all of us in the realm of relationships. Thank you Esther!
This woman is an absolute treasure. I would love to see her in conversation with some of the big public intellectual names of the world ... and see her bring her wonderful clarity and honesty to bear on a whole range of subjects. Of course, she's probably too sensible to over-reach, but she is so deeply imbued with authenticity and integrity ... I'd love to see it.
Today I said the things I haven’t said in years and it’s opened something wonderful inside me . I don’t need to blame anymore or feel bad because I think I am inadequate. I just need to say this happened and I felt this .... instead of the war I create in my mind . Today I leave the battle and although it will always rage on . I chose to step away and leave it. It’s time to say what I need to say and not scream it . To be softer and think first . To look at what he does not what he doesn’t and to tell him my erotic needs. In a kind way. Because isn’t that what we all want ? Kindness and acceptance for who we are and not allow anyone to make us feel worthless or to indeed make someone else feel worthless . This woman is amazing x
A man who doesn't respond to that isn't worth the time. It took years to get my wife to tell me what she wanted and after she did our sex life became wonderful. There's nothing that pleases me more than to know that she is pleased.
If only Ester can just say something that inspires people to not be so damn LAZY (I repeat: LAZY) in relationships. She shares so many thought gems with her exceptional command of all the emotional and psychological interplay. But, when I personally meet and talk with couples, often I find that they KNOWWWW what has to change to have a more meaningful pleasure relationship, BUT they see it as WORK...they take no pleasure in doing the “WORK” Taking action requires effort. Then comes the question, “why do you not want to ‘DO’ the work that will change the dynamics of the relationship”? The answers to that question then opens up to another layer...the real reasons why they don’t want to do the work.
I don't think it's Laziness. I think it's a form of self-sabotage. It's an ingrained program that runs in the subconscious that says they're unworthy of love, happiness, peace, success, etc. It masks itself as lazy and uncaring.
Wow!! I love this conversation! We want Connection AND Separateness. Security AND Adventure. Selfless Love vs. Selfish Desire. It really pricked me when she said do for the other what THEY want not what YOU want. Except for Parenting, I’ve lost touch with sacrifice. It was once a part of my life but I’m not convinced I want it back. Is it necessary? How sacrificial should I be? I want MORE!!
To add to your point, what if, in addition to a lack of reciprocity within the relationship, what THEY want does not align with YOUR values, thereby constituting a form of self-betrayal? I'm just too happily single to even bother....
@@acharich Check out the video wherein Oprah talks to Caroline Myss in 'How To Know Your Purpose'. I believe Caroline's words will resonate with you as much as they do with me. Basically, she asked herself (when evaluating another's request/demand) "what is this (on a soul level) costing me?" And I'm still too happily single to bother....:)
The more you want, the more you're likely to get. As it says somewhere in the old testament: "You have not because you ask not." Or as one of my sales bosses said, "You don't ask, you don't get."
Holy makeroo ! Thank you ! I've been around if I may say... parents different cultures, lifetime lived across several continents, married, divorced, two wonderful sons (that went through a lot), lucky to have had deep sincere loving relationships... with friends and partners, and my curiosity has led me to seek for and read interesting books. A few :). However, Esther, dear soul, you hit it right smack in the deep center of relationships, dimension-ally ! This short on stage presentation I just experienced was the biggest 'bang' I've come across... phew, am I grateful to have stumbled across it - rather you ! Thank you again, bless your soul !
This is the kind of understanding, that is so essential in these days of failing relationships, the simmering issues that we never get around to addressing until doomsday.
In the search for that "right" relationship, we usually find each other long before we discover or find ourselves. By that, I mean in a deeply spiritual sense. When that happens there are usually unresolvable issues that seem to develop. Unconditional love, as I have understood it, is only successful at a distance - this to insure against self-destruction. This is at least one seemingly unresolvable issue. I have yet to discover the ability to remain emotionally honest with self and a partner at the same time without creating conflict. If that conflict or those conflicts are attempted resolved through compromise - then there is serious damage done to the integrity of both partners and that is not an option when one has, at last, found one's self. You are bringing some very interesting perspectives to the round-table of discussion. I am looking forward to listening to more of these.
I put this video on repeat many times and I'll put many more, because Esther's words are pure wisdom, every word she says is of great importance and it's a great pleasure listening to such an eloquent speech with such a diverse vocabulary
Esther to the couple that has come to her for help with ED: “It's as if you don't have a whole body. We make love with the whole body, and a lot of other parts of us, not just our genitals. If you stay focused on those damn genitals, not much is gonna happen simply because it’s reductionistic and rather boring. But you can rely on your hands, you can rely on your smell, you can rely on your skin, you can rely on your hair, you can rely on your voice, you can rely on your smile, on your eyes. My God, there is a lot of instruments in this orchestra."
Thank you Esther, for this fabulous talk. You are such a treasure and I am so happy to have found you. Many ‘light bulb” moments here. It validates everything I know about relationships. You articulate your ideas so well. Your words express EXACTLY the thoughts and feelings about the concepts of love and relationships. I am now inspired more than ever to become a better listener and do-er. I wish my 30 year old self had heard this so I would have been a better partner to my wife.
Thank you so much for this 🙌🏻 It really made me think about not only understanding myself better in relationships and in relation to my divorce, but also in the way that I am raising my son. It made me ask myself- how do I show him love? Do I model how to show up for what other people want rather than what I want give to and it made me question my role as parent in empowering him in being able to communicate effectively (something I previously lacked and I’m working on all the time) to have a positive impact for his future relationships 💕
Regarding offering guests water or something to drink.....I used to do that. I was just being thoughtful. However, no one wanted to accept. Ever. So I got discouraged and stopped. I thought it strange that they would be offended by the offer of a kindness. Maybe this speaks to the world we live in....a sign of the times.
The act of offering is enough and the expectation of their response is your Ego and could be left behind. I often ask again and they agree. It's some people's nature to reject, refuse as default. Ask twice then accept ;)
Esther Perel brings the wisdom of a goddess to us all. Reveal: Before I was divorced from my last wife (I've been married 2x), we knew there were problems and we were mired in that sell defense mode that a lot of couples go through, however my wife asked me if we could go see a counselor and I with my fragile male ego said no, that we could work it out ourselves. I really wanted to work it out, I loved her as much as ever. She said I wasn't happy and I knew she wasn't either but we could never get the clarity and objectivity to help each other through it. I only wish I would have said yes because it took a full 2 years to put myself back together again and although she has gone on to another relationship and I am happy being single it was one of the great regrets of my life. We were together for so long. I still love her but am glad she is happy again (because I do love her) but what if's are not good enough anymore and I appreciate what each day brings. I am happy in my skin. If there was a silver lining that was it. Nowadays I see relationships as problematic from the get go in many cases and know what suffering it might bring but I also know that tearing something down is sometimes the only way to build it up. If you're truly honest with yourself , it can work. Thanks Esther!
You need Coach Corey Wayne and A.M.S. on youtube to wake you up to how Women receive the world. There are Unicorns, maybe you married one but 2X divorced my friend ... help yourself to the next plateau, Ceaseless blessings
@@lordjungalee In today's world 2x ain't that big a deal. The first one we were both 18 and had no idea what we wanted or who we were. As far as I'm concerned it worked out well. If I gave the impression that I'm hoping for another marriage, forgive me. Not going to happen. I like my autonomy. Without the divorce I never would have known the joy of being by myself. Expectations kill a lot of relationships and there are very few who go into one without having a few in the bag. Understanding women wasn't my problem, not knowing who I was is the key.
@@taoyeahright Wow! Seriously? Goddess is just a term i used to illustrate women's innate wisdom. Idolatry? So what do we have here? You seem to know a lot about her that isn't available to the general public. Or maybe just a problem with Jewish people in general. Try taking out your personal problems elsewhere. Congrats on the subscription.
Kiliya 108 I commend you for being honest with yourself; it’s a difficult road but a really fulfilling journey. There’s nothing better than knowing who you are & what you’re about. I also wanted to thank you for taking your time to capture your experience I hope others read your post-sometimes ... all a person needs is to know their not alone starting their journey. Please keep sharing, your inspiring others to better themselves & your encouraging those 1/2-way through the muck of identifying the problems during self-reflection - keep on-keeping on, people.
Esther... You're amazing! This is super important & regretfully because of radical religious people is not taught anywhere... It should be taught everywhere!!
The importance of relational intelligence in work situations and that it can be developed because we are now in a service economy where people want the experience.
She herself says she's not French in one talk she gave in Toronto if I remember. And you are assuming she's one. Assumptions are no 1 problem in relationships.
Loved it! I live in both places in New York and in Ukraine. I see a vivid difference in terms of self-focus vs focus on someone's needs between the two countries.
![Quando Rondo - Grow Up [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/8zFnCg3BO4Q/mqdefault.jpg)
What nugget of wisdom struck you? ...Comment your thoughts on this video below 👇 Want more? Don’t forget to check out the Quest All Access Pass, because your personal growth should never be restricted 🌱 Get unlimited access to ANY of our personal growth courses now 🤗👉 go.mindvalley.com/ziqwa0B2
@Black Knight Fool
In what way is she man hating ? What radical feminist ideas did she mention or affirm ?
@Black Knight Fool what? Unless you are interested in a video chat with explaining& step intro's and a little more than...🍌⏳
That was soo helpful thank you Esther 😊
Could somebody clarify @ 18:05 “there is no emasculation in the feminine”?
@@kenthazara5477 I believe what she was conveying is that there is no female equivalent to the frustration that is erectile difficulty. Her statements shortly before and after that sentence help clarify and contextualize.
"What is self-esteem? It is the ability to view ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. It's anything but perfection. So, welcome your flaws, people."
@VKRGFAN It's more complicated than that. Perfection is impossible, but if you don't try to better yourself, you become a loser, or a stagnant narcissist.
@VKRGFAN WRONG!! everyone is perfect!! This is why people are lost. You forget how beautiful and perfect you really are. You have been told negative things and you believed it. YOU ARE PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL!!! Dont limit youselves. Love yourselves with light and perfection. Enjoy your experiences this is why you came here. To experience.
Tavoi Aiono h
It’s a tough one. Some people are assholes and don’t realize it. This isn’t a good attitude for them to have
I am both flawed yet worthy at the same time. I feel this makes it rather easy for me to accept others just as they are as well because there are no expectations. You and I are enough just as we are.
When she says “we make love with the whole body...not just the genitals...if we stay focused on just the genitals it’s reductionistic and rather boring...there’s a lot of instruments in this orchestra”. BOOOOM!!!
... and at least three holes ...😅
@pinkah boo I understand your feelings. Maybe you can find someone who feels as unsafe being vulnerable & embrace that fear together?
Well, yes, exactly.
That´s on women´s part, men are les sensible.
Mickey Mouse 🤪
The beauty of this is that she does NOT pit men against women. So many other RUclips vids bash unnecessarily one sex and draws lines in the sand and supports how to manipulate others to get what you want. My bottom line is that if someone is unwilling or unable to give me what I need, I don't try to force them. It might mean that that person is just not compatible with me or I them and the best thing to do is move on.
💯💯👏👏It's wisdom
True! I'm fed up with the portrait of men as villains and women as victims. We shouldn't forget while we empower women and fight for their rights that men are our sons, brothers, fathers, and husbands. They are not the enemy.
The world needs a reboot when it comes to morals and integrity.
Yeah, let's nuke it and start over.
OR you all just need to REMEMBER the beautiful entities that you really are. You are not slaves or money hungry greedy zombies came to roam the earth. You are beings of love and light and when you remember who you are, you will understand that you dont need money or relationships or others validations or status etc......the ego will disappear and in its place is just pure love.
@@tavoiaiono7885 - where DID you buy those drugs??
@@irw4350 Everyone in the world are waking up, you too will get there. The reason the elite and governments and religions got away with so much injustice to mankind is that they put everyone to sleep by making them believe they are worthless and powerless and dependent on money and silly beliefs. But all this is coming to an end with people finally waking up and understanding who they really are. You too will wake up soon. Love and light xxx
@pinkah boo I'm with you, sis. We're NOT all love & light. THAT is a New Age concept that fails miserably in reality because it's based on a faulty premise. We're MANY things.
I love how she explains things she is so good with words
Shruthi Reddy hi
She is excellent with words and with putting out there "questions". She Is Jewish. Daughter of Holocaust survivors- It plays a big part in her erotic inteligence
Sio
Shruthi Reddy that’s her second language advantage. Have you heard of Björk? A singer from Iceland; Her lyrics are so simple yet so deep. Check her out!
I just love her 😍 so awesome
Everything that comes out of this woman's mouth is just gold
Full of Gold.
"Your children would prefer you stay together because that's the story they were born into." There it is.
And that is?
Only when full accountability is present, otherwise it's not a learning conducive environment and exposure to the best experiences.
... and than... story changed... and we have to go on and create new stories...
@@frederickhoward5598 🤔⚖️💭
Liljana Gjorgjievski yes but some people can’t stand change, so some would rather stay in the same story because it’s predictable
Esther getting to the points that we all need to hear on the ethics of relationships:
- Elevate your sense of thoughtfulness and accountability.
- Take action and reach out to those you care about and who care for you in return.
- Give to the other person not what you want, but what they want. You are not the measuring stick.
- When you realize you've caused someone stress or pain. Do something to show them that "I see myself through your eyes, and I know what I have just done and tried to get away with."
- Welcome your flaws, share what you struggle with, and make the world a more humble place.
There is nothing more important in my life than my relationships with others.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How much have I attended to the relationships in my life in comparison to other success markers in my life? What have I done? Am I showing up? Is there someone I've been meaning to call because they're sick, and every day I forget? See the points on the ethics of relationships.
Love that you wrote these important points out
Thank you for that.
Thank you for laying it out in such a concise manner. 🙏😊
Ll)lp l) )q
Thank you so much 🙏🏻 ❤
"I don't know what your relationship is like sexually, but I have a sense for both of you it's been massively outcome-driven, rather unimaginative, too fast, and unsatisfying for both of you. It's terrible to be with a man who you feel is only pleasing himself and it's terrible to be with a woman who you feel is just giving you pity sex. So, no matter what's gonna happen, the first thing is touch. How you touch each other, how you stroke each other, how you kiss each other, with zero outcome in mind. Touch in itself is plenty of outcome."
First world....seems like a sad ass place.....SUCKS doesn´t it?
Wow! Marry me!
U just made me realize how much I never want to attempt physical intimacy again w/the guy I married lol. The idea alone that he could ever find pleasure & happiness in reciprocating, instead of just laying there & getting whatever he wants, is so unrealistic that even the effort it takes to imagine it feels like a silly waste of my precious time on earth lol. I don't think my son would do well if I pursued another relationship either, and I'm not even sure it would be worth my time, so I guess that part of my life is over. 🤷 It sucks, for sure, but it's not the saddest story I've ever heard either. Life is still good, even if you don't get everything you hoped for! 💞🌠
@@tiberio1352 You good?
Hi Leah, have you heard of the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
"When you know that you're asking in a way that guarantees that you're not gonna get". that just summarized almost all of the communication problems I've ever encountered.
"people are hungry for "truth" and facing the truth is not easy..."
“Tell me how you were loved as a child and I will tell you how you make love.” Wow
now the challenge is finding somebody who has a compatible love-making type!
Everything from rough to gentle, twisted to pure. You talk about extremes and I can do them very well. I want to find the in between.
what happens when you weren't loved as a child?
Very true, shocking true!
@@christinah.8504 I think that's a very important question. How can you love someone else if you were not raised knowing and hearing that your parents love you? Parents of the war generations had a huge problem expressing that feeling
Whoa, this is my first encounter with Esther Perel..and EXACTLY what I need today, moving into a new relationship with a woman, who is also a therapist, and will not take any bullshit from me. Expansion here we come..Thank You!
Nice! How is it going? have you heard of the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Two years later, how are you and your woman doing?
How is it going?
“Tell me how you were loved and I will tell you how you make love.” SO PROFOUND
"Those who did not die and those who came back to life" I will think on that.
The spark gives us a reason to carry on.
“A situation of stable ambiguity” so fucking spot on. Resonates.
"Stable ambiguity = the situation when it's just enough to feel alone with some of the comforts of consistency, but certainly not too much to feel like I've lost my freedom and I'm now committed and trapped"
Dayummm
This is a MUST for every married couple BEFORE they marry. There is nothing more beautiful than two becoming one and intimacy in every respect based on giving is the pinnacle. Every word she says is just truth and if you can live with the truth you will ultimately be fulfilled. Ester, you are restoring the ultimate gift that G-d gave to humanity.
Hi Jeff, have you heard of the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
@@CarolinHauser Thank you for reminding me I want to read this
YES! The same relationship can become three and four loves over a lifetime! I applauded in my livingroom when she said this. But, try to convince a younger person who is having first-time difficulties, leading them to feel maybe their union is over and they stop trying. They make things major important, as we all did first time out, that yrs later will show as not significant at all. Bless this beautiful woman.
But some time they are right . Honesty with your self.
So did i
Yes this is so true. Having been in a 40 yr relationship we have had several relationships with different sex lives to each.The first 6 years were a love affair that so shocked us both at 32 and 37. He had been a swinger with his first wife and thought he had experienced everything possible with women. I had had two monogamous relationships of several years duration before him so hadnt much real world experience of variety ...lots of theory though as a psychology professor. We fell in love, each of us, for the first time! Neither of us BELIEVED such a thing truly existed. It was like meeting our twin but in an erotic, not familial way.
IT astounded us both, it was a surprise and shock!
Then business setbacks intruded and we went through a period of trying to comfort each other but being wounded by LIFE. We waited it out, we KNEW each of us had not changed , just the circumstances and we outwaited it. Then our relationship entered its second honeymoon phase when we retired and began cruising on our sailboat..HEAVEN. And zero stress...zero world. Our relationship flousished again.
After several years my mother became ill and there was only me to care for her, so we sold the boat and moved to a foreign country bringing her here...it was challenging but he was a dear .
Then we bought and spent several years renovating a property exhilirating but challenging, and fun, but tiring too.
AND AFTER THE house was all done and decorated etc we started traveling again via cruise ship and plane and entered a new phase of exploration of the outer world. After several years of that when COVID started we stayed home and explored inward and fond new vitality and fun sexually and emptionally with each other. This has been the second most precious phase of our nestly ALL wonderful relationship. The sex is the most satisfying ever, what a surpise at THIS age..we complete 41 yrs tomorrow and in August he will be 80 amd I will be 75. Still going strong, happy and always learning about and exploring each other. We have been explorers. and adventurers outward and most importantly inward, all along. We could easily have split up during that economically pressured era and look at all the JOY we would have missed!
What a great story
I had tears in my eyes during this whole video because nobody has ever opened my eyes on these issues before. Thank you for everything!
Women are trying too hard to be something they are not or can’t .
Lower your goals , stop with the ideal white knight relationship and romanticizing your relationship indefinitely.
Start their .
Don't give the person next to you what you want them to give to you but give to them that which they want. 🙏
I'd love to have or to stick to that wisdom
Ah yes, takes such mindfulness, and understanding.
@@MrCanigou Google the "Love Languages" amigo. There are 5 main ones (eg, words of affirmation/praise, gifts, spending time...)
Then you'll have awareness of how *you* recognise the feeling of love, and you'll also know how to encourage other's to explore & express how *they* do. Honestly it's precious knowledge.
Best wishes👍🏻🕊️
Thank you
I did. And that's not working.
Amazing. I broke down cry during this video because I know what I did wrong to lose the love of my life, if only I had realized it sooner
Maybe u were in a dark place hard to get out of dnt be so hard on ur self that’s nice that ur eyes are started to realise this just take baby steps
Yes, here’s another one! But also realize that there’s more than 1 love of life.
I hope every man will open their eyes and begin to love what they have at the very moment for the future and healthy married or relatiinship. Atleast you accepted your mistakes and now i think its forgiven.so look forward and try again. Ita never too late.
You are not alone
Listening to Esther is like taking the first step of life
I loved what she said at the end. It’s is the spirit of the “Golden Rule”. “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.” Her change doesn’t seem like a change to me. But rather what “the rule” means. Give unto others what they want or need. Not what you would want or think they need. That I like and that will take communicative intelligence.
Selah.. 🔥💎🔥
her partner must be super Happy with this sensible & intelligent lady. Kudos!
and not be insecure for who and what she is...
That’s making a lot of assumptions!
Hopefully.. 🙏🏾
Sometimes intelligent and sensible people can be difficult to live with
@@lovehenna4228 Agree with you.
E-mailed my uncle in the middle of this talk. Taking action. Wanted to do that for months now.
She had me in tears within the first 5 minutes - "The people who did not die (..) certainly could not enjoy or experience pleasure because if you did you were not on guard, and if you're not on guard shit could happen."
Started clapping on my own at the end of her talk cause she was so good.
I think the same way as this woman and have been single for 11 years . Its been up and down . I am just trying to cope with the fear. Of being alone for the rest of my life. It's hard.
Give to the other person what they want. Not what you want to give them! Awesome and so basic. Thank you Esther Perel!
A lot of people are accountable to the environment but not the thing that is right next to them. Gold.
I wish I'd discovered her work years ago. Still, I'm glad to have found her because so much of what she says resonates so much with what I've been struggling with in my marriage.
have you heard of the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?
Wise lady. This world needs more people like her.
Her voice alone makes you listen . Fascinating wise woman . Her role at the heart of life .
Ghosting sadly I think has become intrinsic with online communication . I hold my hand up to it .
She's simply mesmerizing on all fronts. Relevant & worth listening to at least once. Watching maybe more...& by that I mean: watch a passionate person captivate an audience, naturally. Purely. Graciously.
When I work on sex with couples, I'm actually much more interested in talking about eroticism than how people come to experience this thing called "the act of sex." Because many people, and women for sure, have you done this act for centuries and felt nothing. I'm interested in the meaning given to the sex, in the beauty of it for the person, in the poetics of it. So I often say, 'Sex isn't just something that we do, sex is a place we go.' Where do you go in sex, what parts of you do you connect with? What is it that you'e trying to express and feel?
I wish if i meet someone like you in her unique understanding of making love not doing sex.
beautifully said ma'am
What???
👎
How can i have this speech tattooed in my brains?!
Harry Aldieny Watch it once a week
Put down the boundaries ...open ur mind
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
"What is self-esteem? It is the ability to view ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. It's anything but perfection. So, welcome your flaws, people."
That's eactly how I have viewed and held myself. I knew I was doing the right thing.
I adore her work. Honest, refreshing, thought provoking.
Omg.. I now realise, I've been counseling people with their marriage issues by first and foremost analyzing their ways of connecting sexually, all this time without knowing that a pro like Esther also advocates its importance. Sex, is like a backdoor entry to a person's psyche and therefore understanding the layers that color a relationship. I'm, just blown away.. thanks Esther! Such a wonderful validation for me...omg
I love this woman! I wish I had her for a personal counselor 52 years ago !!please listen to her!
This is a very intelligent woman! I think this is more than just a talk on 'eroticism', per se, but a talk on the nature of human relationships.
The touch is the most sincere expression of the feelings one partner has FOR the touched one.
A fugitive or a brutal touch tells more than a million words.
Two kinds of people... givers and takers... the only combination that works is two givers... all others fail... or one in the relationship is unhappy...
True
that is my saying too....
You nailed it!
It's not a "move", it's a way of moving.
Jeeezuss this is one of the most heart hitting talks on sprituality and sexuality I’ve heard. I am such a sexual creature and to hear this woman using this sexuality as a basis for teaching me who I am and how I want to become to be...I’m hooked. Going to longer up now. I am indeed a flawed individual and I hold myself in high regards anyway. I most certainly embrace my flaws...unapologetically me.
Kristien, “going to longer up yet”?
Huh?
Have to say I LOVE HER DRESS! Beautiful! ❤️
She is really a very good speaker, unfolding the hidden issues everyone is confronted with in his/her daily life.
Good talk. There are many good points that I can learn from.
There was one point that really resonated with me; when Esther states not to treat the other person the way we want to be treated by how they want to be treated. I had come to this realization within the last year or so. Oddly enough, I have tried to communicate this idea to others but that was not well received. Hearing Esther state it makes me confident that I am correct.
It is the same mindset described in the 5 love languages. We gift to others what is important to them if our aim is to make them feel loved.
She is quite the motivational speaker. She got through to me.
Her articulated wisdom on this matter is unparalleled but I can't help but notice how even more masterful her body language is.
I could listen to her for ages.
So many little gems in this! For whatever reason, I feel like in this particular video, she is speaking directly to me. (I am completely aware that this is not possible, it's just the way I feel.) I am ultimately responsible for all of my experiences and how my action affect others and their experiences with me.
Angela Lopez i need to join this group with life.
You are responsible for your actions, not the outcome. You can't control what the outcome will be.
She is smart but will become smarter when she is older. Like people like her everything comes from a book she has studied. That is a good start
Esther is such a smart, clear, diverse and fun presenter! I love her and I am learning still (on my third stage in life), thanks to her excellence, vision and passion for wanting to make a difference for all of us in the realm of relationships. Thank you Esther!
Five out of five stars on rate my professor.com
This woman is an absolute treasure. I would love to see her in conversation with some of the big public intellectual names of the world ... and see her bring her wonderful clarity and honesty to bear on a whole range of subjects. Of course, she's probably too sensible to over-reach, but she is so deeply imbued with authenticity and integrity ... I'd love to see it.
Today I said the things I haven’t said in years and it’s opened something wonderful inside me . I don’t need to blame anymore or feel bad because I think I am inadequate. I just need to say this happened and I felt this .... instead of the war I create in my mind . Today I leave the battle and although it will always rage on . I chose to step away and leave it. It’s time to say what I need to say and not scream it . To be softer and think first . To look at what he does not what he doesn’t and to tell him my erotic needs. In a kind way. Because isn’t that what we all want ? Kindness and acceptance for who we are and not allow anyone to make us feel worthless or to indeed make someone else feel worthless . This woman is amazing x
A man who doesn't respond to that isn't worth the time. It took years to get my wife to tell me what she wanted and after she did our sex life became wonderful. There's nothing that pleases me more than to know that she is pleased.
Such an intelligent lady - such a worthwhile message
She is simply AMAZING. Brought me too tears with her personal background story.
if we can acknowledge and accept our flaws we can make the world a more humble place (a better place)
I love this woman!!!!!! Talks the hard true talk we all need!!!!!
If only Ester can just say something that inspires people to not be so damn LAZY (I repeat: LAZY) in relationships. She shares so many thought gems with her exceptional command of all the emotional and psychological interplay. But, when I personally meet and talk with couples, often I find that they KNOWWWW what has to change to have a more meaningful pleasure relationship, BUT they see it as WORK...they take no pleasure in doing the “WORK” Taking action requires effort. Then comes the question, “why do you not want to ‘DO’ the work that will change the dynamics of the relationship”? The answers to that question then opens up to another layer...the real reasons why they don’t want to do the work.
I don't think it's Laziness. I think it's a form of self-sabotage. It's an ingrained program that runs in the subconscious that says they're unworthy of love, happiness, peace, success, etc. It masks itself as lazy and uncaring.
Wow!! I love this conversation! We want Connection AND Separateness. Security AND Adventure. Selfless Love vs. Selfish Desire. It really pricked me when she said do for the other what THEY want not what YOU want. Except for Parenting, I’ve lost touch with sacrifice. It was once a part of my life but I’m not convinced I want it back. Is it necessary? How sacrificial should I be? I want MORE!!
To add to your point, what if, in addition to a lack of reciprocity within the relationship, what THEY want does not align with YOUR values, thereby constituting a form of self-betrayal? I'm just too happily single to even bother....
@@writerforlifeify 😅🙏🏾
@@acharich Check out the video wherein Oprah talks to Caroline Myss in 'How To Know Your Purpose'. I believe Caroline's words will resonate with you as much as they do with me. Basically, she asked herself (when evaluating another's request/demand) "what is this (on a soul level) costing me?"
And I'm still too happily single to bother....:)
The more you want, the more you're likely to get. As it says somewhere in the old testament: "You have not because you ask not." Or as one of my sales bosses said, "You don't ask, you don't get."
Lol!
Holy makeroo ! Thank you ! I've been around if I may say... parents different cultures, lifetime lived across several continents, married, divorced, two wonderful sons (that went through a lot), lucky to have had deep sincere loving relationships... with friends and partners, and my curiosity has led me to seek for and read interesting books. A few :). However, Esther, dear soul, you hit it right smack in the deep center of relationships, dimension-ally ! This short on stage presentation I just experienced was the biggest 'bang' I've come across... phew, am I grateful to have stumbled across it - rather you ! Thank you again, bless your soul !
why didn't i find you in my teens. you are genuine and impactful mam.
Gifted, giving, a great thinker and mentor
Vivian Orgel i love to jone that GROUP
This is the kind of understanding, that is so essential in these days of failing relationships, the simmering issues that we never get around to addressing until doomsday.
27:57 we typically give to others what we want to ourself
The most incredible talk , wish I eard all this 20 years ago . Congratulations .
Ooohhhh yesss “the therapy of indulgence” I love it
In the search for that "right" relationship, we usually find each other long before we discover or find ourselves. By that, I mean in a deeply spiritual sense. When that happens there are usually unresolvable issues that seem to develop. Unconditional love, as I have understood it, is only successful at a distance - this to insure against self-destruction. This is at least one seemingly unresolvable issue.
I have yet to discover the ability to remain emotionally honest with self and a partner at the same time without creating conflict. If that conflict or those conflicts are attempted resolved through compromise - then there is serious damage done to the integrity of both partners and that is not an option when one has, at last, found one's self.
You are bringing some very interesting perspectives to the round-table of discussion. I am looking forward to listening to more of these.
So happy to have found you Esther.
Yes, we do need relational intelligence.
♥️
I put this video on repeat many times and I'll put many more, because Esther's words are pure wisdom, every word she says is of great importance and it's a great pleasure listening to such an eloquent speech with such a diverse vocabulary
Esther to the couple that has come to her for help with ED: “It's as if you don't have a whole body. We make love with the whole body, and a lot of other parts of us, not just our genitals. If you stay focused on those damn genitals, not much is gonna happen simply because it’s reductionistic and rather boring. But you can rely on your hands, you can rely on your smell, you can rely on your skin, you can rely on your hair, you can rely on your voice, you can rely on your smile, on
your eyes. My God, there is a lot of instruments in this orchestra."
Hi Leah, it’s a good video. Your comment is great. Greetings from Ireland ☘️. Best wishes for a lovely day 😊🙏 Michael
Thank you Esther, for this fabulous talk. You are such a treasure and I am so happy to have found you. Many ‘light bulb” moments here. It validates everything I know about relationships. You articulate your ideas so well. Your words express EXACTLY the thoughts and feelings about the concepts of love and relationships. I am now inspired more than ever to become a better listener and do-er. I wish my 30 year old self had heard this so I would have been a better partner to my wife.
Thank you so much for this 🙌🏻
It really made me think about not only understanding myself better in relationships and in relation to my divorce, but also in the way that I am raising my son.
It made me ask myself- how do I show him love? Do I model how to show up for what other people want rather than what I want give to and it made me question my role as parent in empowering him in being able to communicate effectively (something I previously lacked and I’m working on all the time) to have a positive impact for his future relationships 💕
Extraordinarily real and so heartfelt in a world , largely devoid of taking personal responsibility. Merci 🙏❤️
She really gets you thinking and I enjoy listening to her. Very insightful!
Regarding offering guests water or something to drink.....I used to do that. I was just being thoughtful. However, no one wanted to accept. Ever. So I got discouraged and stopped. I thought it strange that they would be offended by the offer of a kindness. Maybe this speaks to the world we live in....a sign of the times.
Or maybe they didn't want something to drink. Don't over think it.
The act of offering is enough and the expectation of their response is your Ego and could be left behind. I often ask again and they agree. It's some people's nature to reject, refuse as default. Ask twice then accept ;)
Esther Perel brings the wisdom of a goddess to us all. Reveal: Before I was divorced from my last wife (I've been married 2x), we knew there were problems and we were mired in that sell defense mode that a lot of couples go through, however my wife asked me if we could go see a counselor and I with my fragile male ego said no, that we could work it out ourselves. I really wanted to work it out, I loved her as much as ever. She said I wasn't happy and I knew she wasn't either but we could never get the clarity and objectivity to help each other through it.
I only wish I would have said yes because it took a full 2 years to put myself back together again and although she has gone on to another relationship and I am happy being single it was one of the great regrets of my life. We were together for so long. I still love her but am glad she is happy again (because I do love her) but what if's are not good enough anymore and I appreciate what each day brings. I am happy in my skin. If there was a silver lining that was it. Nowadays I see relationships as problematic from the get go in many cases and know what suffering it might bring but I also know that tearing something down is sometimes the only way to build it up. If you're truly honest with yourself , it can work. Thanks Esther!
You need Coach Corey Wayne and A.M.S. on youtube to wake you up to how Women receive the world. There are Unicorns, maybe you married one but 2X divorced my friend ... help yourself to the next plateau,
Ceaseless blessings
@@lordjungalee
In today's world 2x ain't that big a deal. The first one we were both 18 and had no idea what we wanted or who we were. As far as I'm concerned it worked out well. If I gave the impression that I'm hoping for another marriage, forgive me. Not going to happen. I like my autonomy. Without the divorce I never would have known the joy of being by myself. Expectations kill a lot of relationships and there are very few who go into one without having a few in the bag. Understanding women wasn't my problem, not knowing who I was is the key.
Thank you for your honesty happy you’re happy
@@taoyeahright
Wow! Seriously? Goddess is just a term i used to illustrate women's innate wisdom. Idolatry? So what do we have here? You seem to know a lot about her that isn't available to the general public. Or maybe just a problem with Jewish people in general. Try taking out your personal problems elsewhere. Congrats on the subscription.
Kiliya 108
I commend you for being honest with yourself; it’s a difficult road but a really fulfilling journey. There’s nothing better than knowing who you are & what you’re about.
I also wanted to thank you for taking your time to capture your experience
I hope others read your post-sometimes ... all a person needs is to know their not alone starting their journey.
Please keep sharing, your inspiring others to better themselves & your encouraging those 1/2-way through the muck of identifying the problems during self-reflection
- keep on-keeping on, people.
Advice at 28:01 'Give what other want, not what you want' is similar to 5 Love Language of Gary Chapman.
🔥💎🔥
Open, meaningful, bold and truthful conversation ❤️❤️❤️I am seeking this with my husband 😍
So it has been one year since you did this. Has you marriage improved? Can you inspire others?
Esther... You're amazing!
This is super important & regretfully because of radical religious people is not taught anywhere...
It should be taught everywhere!!
Essentially we bring ourselves to the medium. Expanded or contracted, but I will always believe in potentiality.
"whats it like to be someone's disappointment?" Damn. Damn, damn damn.
Wow, relationship accountability.
Very powerful!
I appreciate all of the books on the coffee tables of my childhood… Thanks mom and dad!
I am so blessed discovering Esther Perel today! Wow, just what I needed in my life which I was thinking, feeling and planning to do...Bless us all!
So real, so deep. You're a Woman of Truth Esther Perel :-) God bless you so much in your fulfillment.
For the lucky guy/girl, who about to experience my goods 🥰. Thank you for sharing these wonderful gems 💎 Mind Valley🙏🏾
The importance of relational intelligence in work situations and that it can be developed because we are now in a service economy where people want the experience.
✨🙏🏾✨
I get more from her presentation learning convey, than the depth on the subject,
finally a french that speaks perfectly correct english,even the pronounciation is really good in comparison.
She herself says she's not French in one talk she gave in Toronto if I remember. And you are assuming she's one. Assumptions are no 1 problem in relationships.
Love Ester and THAT DRESS!
Such a delight to listen to Esther.
She’s a legend!
Esther opens up so many self awakenings. Thank you 🙏
First time viewer of your videos,all I can say: “ BRILLIANT “
Loved it! I live in both places in New York and in Ukraine. I see a vivid difference in terms of self-focus vs focus on someone's needs between the two countries.