Super helpful, thank you. I'm realizing in my 30s how emotionally immature I've been- and it's bringing up a lot of shame. I was raised by narcisstic parents and not really taught emotional regulation, boundaries, etc. & realizing the level of entitlement I've felt towards others to regulate me, is scary. I'm having to teach myself things I should've been taught as a child, and your channel is super illuminating.
It's a double-edged sword, though. It's good to be grateful for happy moments from the past, but you have to be careful not to spend so much time enjoying your memories that you disconnect from the present.
My partner became my ex when he called me needy and lazy, about ten to twenty times in a row. I learned after going into a good and respectful relationship that my level of need was normal. Some people are just jerks.
@@TJ-kk5zf I mean if someone won't give a girl compliments when she asks, contributes zero to a relationship, leeches money, never pays attention to emotional needs then yes, they deserve to be an ex. I wouldn't say all my past partners have been bad, that one in particular was an ex husband. He just didn't want to do any work in general or in the relationship. Best part about him being ultra poor is that the divorce was only $400.
@@RoseaCreates ALL of them? have you examined what in yourself draws such people, if this is indeed accurate. Your partner called you needy and lazy, and he would insist that was true of you.
@@TJ-kk5zf I was going through a divorce, he called me lots of things. He wasn't very emotionally developed. However I did get a good partner, five years now, so luckily all the name calling I received and threats to burn my house down are no longer.
Needing more from someone than they can give is an issue, yes. But ‘needy’ is a term that can be used by an avoidant to push someone away or to protect themselves from engulfment. It can also be used by narcissistic people to control or shame someone who simply wants human connection. Having said that, I watched all of the video and appreciate it. I have long worked at trying to heal my anxious attachment. Perspectives like yours are helping me understand and move in that direction.
The term doesn't change the issue, you could call it something else but the problem would be the same, an inability to deal with lack in the moment, panicking when one is unable to get what they want. But yes, just like with many words, even "emotional", it can be used to shame.
Yes, but you should value yourself enough to not deal with an avoidant. If somebody is not investing equally in you and you are pushing to invest in them that shows you don’t have a lot of self-love. You are worthy of all the love you are craving, you just need to give it to yourself first and work on boundaries and emotional intelligence, then you can attract a partner and experience true intimacy that you desire. We all deserve this, and it’s so much different. I’m speaking from personal experience I have been into toxic marriages end this last one almost killed me so it was either die or figure it out
I've always been a big believer in "whatever you aren't giving yourself, you look for others to give you." If I feel like I need a hug, I realize i am being cold in someway towards myself, so i start loving myself and I feel at ease. This is coming from a guy who spends long stretches of being single. Try it out!
The best advice I've ever heard from a therapist around having your needs met is to begin meeting your needs yourself. You cant meet all your needs 100% yourself but meeting them as much as you can prevents you from going into distress. And that's key because if you stop being distressed you won't feel like you're going to die if someone doesn't answer your text or doesn't follow through with plans. Doing an inventory of what all my needs are and finding ways to meet them changed my life. It gave me room to develop nervous system capacity and settle down in my body❤
Well yeah, but on the other hand, at the same time, connection to other person, love and such, seem to be very primal human needs, don't they? At the same time you read that touch deprivation can lead to actual health issues. So is it really so that the point is to meet all your needs yourself? If not then where is the border of meeting them yourself vs agreeing that you actually need someone else?
@@dzi333 Be able to rely on yourself first and foremost. Get to know yourself, and make sure you can take care of your own needs and wants in the world of consenting adults. There is no border in all reality, because there are more people than I could think of that probably have gone a very long time without touch. Just a thought. All love! It builds confidence in you and helps you know that you can always hold your own. Therefore if someone else were to step into the picture, it would make it that much easier for someone to know if it's a good match too! Really in any sense. Friendship, and romantic from my experiences.
What I think about for tip #2 is, what if cell phones didn't exist? What if i existed in a time before texting? I wouldn't be expecting communication 24/7 and it makes me feel better. Tip #3 was eye-opening for me!
The worst thing about feeling needy is you just don't know if your specific "need" is totally valid and should be discussed, or it's just neediness kicked in. Don't know what to believe and stop believing yourself completely.
I'm a couple of months outside of a three year long relationship, and I've been grieving it so hard. I clicked on this video thinking I'd be learning how to be better in my next relationship, but what I got was a detailed gameplan on how to move past what I'm going through now. 😅 Wild how that works out sometimes.
*Shifting the mindset from seeking validation to finding fulfillment within oneself is so empowering. It encourages individuals to cultivate their own happiness, which ultimately leads to more satisfying relationships.*
That part about getting comfortable with the feeling that you are afraid will happen if the thing you believe you need does not come to be, is perhaps one of the most important insights I've ever seen on the Internet. Thank you.
I think whenever I feel needy, I'll come and watch this video, which will be A LOT, until your teachings becomes habits. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and calling with us Heidi. You are brilliant.
Same! I hope you are doing just a little bit better each time - baby steps!!! Your comment really comforted and encouraged me. I feel so helpless and alone when I panic and feel needy, but I’m not alone!
Heidi I’m so glad I found your channel. I’m sure you get thousands of comments like this per day but I truly want to thank you for the way you frame the way the mind is working. It’s ridiculously illuminating and exposed so much with the negative patterns I kept falling back into. Your ability to break down the way the mind is operating has helped me so much you have no idea. Thank you!
An additional point that I think is helpful to make is that when individuals feel like they are strongly in need of something, especially when there is any sense of panic, anxiety & these kinds of feelings associated with it, there is often an underlining deep rooted feeling of abandonment. This feeling of abandonment usually comes from childhood. Feelings of separation and not having one's needs met by a partner, friend or family member as an adult can trigger these feelings of abandonment. Separation occurs in different ways for different reasons within any relationship. (I am talking about every day life circumstances & not someone actually walking out of someone's life altogether). These feelings & fears of abandonment can feel terrifying. They may seem irrational to an outsider, but to the person experiencing them, this feels like a life or death situation. The person experiencing these feelings is feeling like they will not survive unless someone comes to their aid. It is a child's feelings in an adult body/soul/heart/psyche. Reexperiencing states of abandonment & separation from childhood can be acutely painful. This often happens in adult relationships when one or both individuals have not yet healed from these wounds. Anxiously attached and Avoidantly attached individuals usually have struggled with feelings of abandonment & separation. In addition to learning how to self-soothe & to tune into one's own needs & fulfill them, there is often serious healing that needs to take place around issues of abandonment & separation that have to be both cognitively & intuitively understood with a tremendous amount of compassion. Nurturing our own inner child or children in an ongoing way is essential in this healing process as well as having an evolving understanding of what's going on inside of us that causes our behavior, & that stirs up feelings & thoughts that may be challenging to understand or to shift out from.
This is so accurate. It's nearly impossible to know how a small child feels when being abandoned around age 2? If someone could remember the original incident, it could put things into perspective. I would imagine that that memory would speak volumes to a needy person. This is the reason that I wonder if psilocybin could be useful. When I was 5ish, I was in Minneapolis shopping in a large department store; I wandered off, alone, and lost my mother. lol... When I couldn't find her, I started crying-screaming out for her. A kind clerk got on the PA system asking if someone was missing their child. I'll never forget the experience. Mom was nearby, and we were reconnected immediately, so no harm was done. Is there something that triggers urgent feelings of neediness, I wonder. That would further complicate feelings of neediness. I think that trust would be a huge issue unless one trusts herself or himself.
Reflecting back on the shopping excursion, I recall leaving the store nearly immediately after being found. When we got outside, I remember looking around at the buildings that were large and cold looking - no hugs or warmth from my mother, either. She was just her usual cold self! Mothers are not always good mothers. When this happens, we learn not to look to them for love. Then, we try our best to be self-sufficient.
@@kirstinstrand6292I can relate to that. My mother turned cold and no-nonsense when out in public. She would take me along somewhere and be chatting to her friends or adults and would get really dismissive or irritated if I wanted any attention from her. She would sort of scoff at my anxiety and it was clear she preferred the way my brother would run off confidently and independently. But at home I was 100% dependent on her and there was only my absent father and brother so it wasn’t exactly a surprise as to how dependent I was on her. She would be kind and affectionate at bedtime (to get me off to sleep as fast as possible) but after that it was just busy busy busy. It does make me feel angry looking back, even though it was a short period of my life now. But it seems to have left emotional wounds (loneliness, fear of abandonment, sadness, shame) that are very hard to repair. Am in my 50s now and my mother in her 80s and she still triggers me! I see her as little as possible because I find it emotionally disregulating for me. But in reality I find everyone but my children emotionally disregulating now.
It sounds like the abandonment happened even when your mom was right in front of you with her coldness and disconnect- she was physically present but it didn't feel like she was truly with you. It's like going to a well and it's empty- even though the well is present, it's not giving you what you need, in this case being water, whereas with your mom, it's acknowledgement, love, and affection. If there is an ongoing lack of attunement from the caregiver, the child does not feel seen, understood, or safe because an unattuned parent is not present and receptive enough to really be with the child as they are in order to look after their needs. The lack of emotional connection (emotional neglect) is experienced as abandonment because that's what it is for a child. Kids are dependent on their caregivers physically and emotionally in those early years, unfortunately many parents don't even know how to show up for themselves and then that projects out onto the child and they feel guilty, rejected/abandoned, lost, afraid, starved and desperate for love and connection. The abandonment is in the needs not being met of any kind ie. biopsychosocial needs. @@kirstinstrand6292
You are describing the exact situation I am in right now (friendship, not romantic). I was pretty much convinced I was the hurt party in the story, but watching your video made it clear to me that my expectations from the past were driving my resentment towards the friend. Thank you!
I really like the chocolate bar analogy! I’m very good at refraining from eating snacks during the day even if I’m starting to get hungry, because I know I will be eating something healthy for actual lunch/dinner - I need to apply this to when I feel romantically/emotionally hungry/panicked.
Heidi I’m so appreciative of having come across this video. This feeling of neediness has been such a struggle for me and I felt so unprepared to handle it. I wanted to send this as a small thank you. For making content like this. You’ve directly impacted my life. I hope this small donation helps you continue to make this wonderful content.
Wow when you talked about letting go everything seriously just clicked. I lived in a constant state of comparing my relationship to the past honeymoon phase (similar to your friend analogy), expecting it to be like that forever where all of my self-esteem and needs were met 25/7. Once the relationship matured after a couple years and was no longer like that I was upset, needy, unhappy and disappointed all the time blaming him for “changing” and not loving me anymore. I really needed to hear this THANK YOU
Same here!! But for me it’s worse because the eyes I used to get from him come back out for my blossomed teenage daughter instead of me now!! I get she’s beautiful but geez! It’s like there’s no acknowledgment unless you’re young and beautiful!
I have the same problem but I don't know how to deal with it. Please, do you have any tips for me? I'm feeling unwanted, unappreciated and unloved but I think it's just me and not his fault...
@@shawntelchinn84 Your partner is sexually attracted to your teenage daughter and your only reaction is envy? Get that guy away from her, as soon as possible.
same here, i've been feeling unloved, unwanted, ignored. but my partner is busy with work and he is tired and just want to chill playing games when we get home. i can tolerate that for a week before i burst out. now, it's a cycle (ignored for a week, burst out, get affection for a day, ignored for another week) i am trying to break out of this cycle. trying to be ok with trying to meet my needs myself, finding other circle of friends and support. but, this video really help
In my thinking, the word "needy" carries a lot of unnecessarily judgement. Having needs is part of the human experience. When we have needs surfacing in intense ways this can often mean that unmet needs from the past are coming up to be acknowledged. That we might not feel emotionally safe. It can also mean that there is a lot of vulnerability around having needs & expressing them. I think that the word "needy" is really shame based & we can really find other ways to use the word, "need" that is respectful of ourselves as well as of others. Shame & judgement shuts us & others down. It's a barrier. I think that the word "needy" is a roadblock that doesn't help the person who needs help & support. I think that word "needy" is often used to power trip, reject & distance others when the person who is observing or sensing that someone is in need feels uncomfortable.
I don't think that those who name someone as needy think themselves superior. It's just that some people are better put together than others. They choose to protect themselves because perhaps they've learned to deal with their own neediness. I remember an attorney that I met and found attractive. I invited him to dinner at my house - he didn't show. I called him and asked why he stood me up. He said that I appeared needy. I had no idea what needy meant. I just assumed that he wasn't interested in me, which was acceptable. Yet, it did make me think! And I appreciated his honesty. Those that are needy have unresolved issues. It's as simple as that - neither bad nor good... just a fact. If someone chooses to judge, let them. I am aware of being needy sometimes if I meet someone who I find interesting, which only occasionally happens. Lol. But now I can work with myself, so I don't feel helpless or out of control. Certainly, this was not always the case. It helps to have the ability to be open and honest. And if the new acquaintance cannot be open and honest, too, I move on.
How does it matter if that's unmet needs surfacing from the past. Of course they come from somewhere. Still if it makes me needy I rather know it and work on healing it than focus on feeling offended by it. It carries negative judgement because it's not a positive trait to possess. It makes the needy person unhappy and unfulfilled. So yeah, not a cute word but the right word.
I agree. If you're needs are reasonable, but your partner refuses to acknowledge reasonable requests, you aren't being needy. Sometimes partners label the other person as "needy" when in reality they are neglecting the relationship.
Yeah, I'm kinda feeling like, okay, so we're supposed to "just learn to be okay" with being in a chronic state of unmet needs, disconnection, loneliness and slowly emotionally starving? That doesn't seem healthy. They're needs. You can only delay them for so long. 😣 Yes, we can survive, but we will not thrive.
@@mrs.antiheroActually, spiritually speaking, nobody owes us anything. After 25 years, we are supposed to become adults and serve all forms of life, while taking care of the body untrusted to us by Life. This is what it is to become an accomplished adult. Otherwise we stay immature and eternally suffering in victim position.
The candy bar analogy blew my mind. I feel like every relationship I dive into is with a chocolate bar, I know it’s horrible for me but I’m hungry and don’t want to cook. 😂
I’ve learned just how needy and obnoxious I’ve been in my last relationship. I’m disappointed and disgusted with myself. I so appreciate your videos because they’ve helped me better understand my past trauma(s) and behaviors. I’m on a journey of change. Not liking it very much but it is what it will be. Again, THANK YOU
I usually don't write comments on youtube. But I am watching your videos since a while and this now just maked me "click". Through the clarity of your words and the structured steps you were going through I finally can see and most importantly > sort out/feel < in this moment deeply my underlying emotions and why i am showing neediness in my relationships. Feeling this self connection right now, sitting with the intensity which already subsided mostly and experiencing "I can face it." makes me really grateful right now. Thank you so much Heidi for your work - please keep it up :)!
I partially agree. Going hungry in favor of healthier circumstances, yes. But at the same time, maybe because I skew anxious avoidant and not just anxious, I feel that I have gone too many years accepting the feelings of neediness as my normal. And the result is a life lived with many lonely nights drinking alone at home because my inclination is to swirl around in the feelings rather than work on bonding with people.
Just wanted to say your videos about attachment has really opened my eyes to a lot of unhealthy behavior patterns I’ve been making my whole life. And your videos have inspired me to seek professional help to try and heal my anxious attachment style. Thank you Heidi
Another banger of a video per usual, showing up exactly at the right time! Your ability to communicate potentially confusing/misunderstood concepts & ideas in such a clear, articulate & accessible way is greatly appreciated! I feel very grateful to you & your content. You've helped me more than you know. Thank you Heidi!
Your point about “where can we go with the truth of this moment” resonates hard. It’s so easy to try and keep things as they were in the past (especially if it was good times.)
I would add that a lot of times, what we are afraid of are not just the body sensations but the fixed meanings we have attached to it....ie: feeling sad or lonely means shame or unworthiness or chronic pain or never being loved in the future. I think the moment we question those meanings...we are more able to handle our body sensations without panicking
I watched this about 3 months ago when it first came out after a hard break up and while it helped me a bit, I thought it was good to look at the times I had with my ex as a positive experience and to be thankful for them, this helped me back then. As I re-watch this now, I no longer feel that same attitude towards my past experiences with her, but I still see that value in what you say. I feel watching it now, there is still so much I am picking up on the second go around a few months later. You have really helped me understand myself better and how my mind works. I thank you for the videos and hope you know that they provide ongoing value for so many parts of healing and attachment growth.
Amazing. You're making really high quality resources. I don't know the sources, but all of this is new. I wish I saw this 6 months ago when I was panicking and about to lose who I feel was the love of my life
Echoing all the other comments in that you are providing INCREDIBLY valuable content when I need it most. I feel seen, understood, supported, and hopeful for my healing journey. I feel so much less alone, and like I'm not 'broken' - just understandably affected by the trauma I experienced in my childhood. THANK YOU. You are angel.
I hate living like this. I've been doing this "emotional fasting" in the video for many many years. I don't ask for reassurance. I ask for VERY LITTLE in a relationship. I don't have community/friends/family that I can trust for support. I have to either 1) meet my own needs (often not knowing how or possibly bottling them up) or 2) continue living with my needs unmet (I think this is what I typically do, because I don't have community/friends/family who are willing to meet my needs on the level of being close/connected). I'm trying everything, but nothing is working. I hide my neediness because no one wants to be around a needy person, and I don't want to do things that typically drive others away. But it's really painful living like this. I could have a much better quality of life if I could fix my problems.
Thank you for explaining this with a specific example of waiting for a response. I’m learning that people communicate differently and I’m focusing on my communication within myself 🙏🏽
“Feeling self-disgust, feeling shame, that comes up for everybody. It happens. There is nobody who never feels those things.” No, no, no. This is normalising a pathological state where the ego takes over our true Self. There definitely are people, even though they are rare, who never feel self disgust nor shame, because they are liberated from the identification with the ego and stopped listening to its voice. They are called sages, or saints, and we all can become one: this is what fully fulfilled human potential truly looks like. Don’t stop there, Heidi. There is a whole other dimension of Life waiting for you.
Excellent video. I like the way you use co-regulate as a term to distinguish from co-dependency. By making explicit what needs you want met in relationship some of the time, it avoids the fallacy of total independence (need denial) and the go get them met elsewhere as a "fix it" solution, otherwise why be in a (committed) relationship. The fasting example is an excellent technique for self regulation... conveying how difficult it is to control what feels like, instinctual, hard wired, body based emotions. Great stuff. Will check out more of your videos.
This is the only method that has actually finally helped me to self regulate when I’m panic and looking to outside sources to soothe me !!! Finally I am getting some peace on my own . It’s really working everytime a trigger comes up . Thank you so much Heidi ❤
I can't even describe how much this has helped me. I know I'm on the cusp of huge personal discovery. I've watched your channel today for hours and I can feel my static state changing. I've experienced many of these emotions as I have realized I am an anxiously attached person. I lost her nearly three years ago and have been on this journey of discovering where I went wrong. It was the worst most painful thing I've ever gone through, and still going through it. I know one day, we become reunited, but in the meantime, I have to learn about myself, about her and how to be healthy myself before that day comes. Super, incredibly helpful. Explained very, very well, with empathy and understanding... I could go on and on... Thank you Heidi.
Wow. I’ve watched three videos and had three aha moments. I’ve spent hours listening to spiritual gurus and neuroscientists, psychologists, etc. and nobody has been able to get through in such a pragmatic and applicable way. I’m very excited to see where this takes me in many issues eggy with anxious attachment, addiction, etc. all boils down to this inability to be present with emotions as this applies across the board in anything I do to “be okay” in that moment with intolerable emotions.
Spot on. This is the stuff I finally started to practice on this year. I'm crushing on someone for a couple of months now, also told him, but he still has to process his breakup from last year. This really makes me go into protest behaviour sometimes, because he really wants to be friends with me either way. A voice inside if me goes like "Well he doesn't deserve your attention if he doesn't want to be with you", though I also finally want to learn to have a connection with a guy without needing to be intimate and have a relationship with immidiately. So it's hard not wanting to text him everyday and wanting to be very close to him when we hang out, and that's when the longing comes in. When we first started to get to know each other, my anxiety was skyrocketing and I couldn't even really eat for couple of days, I just felt sick. Though now I'm feeling more and more comfortable with this situation, because I decided to actually get to know him first as a person, to build a friendship, to tell myself that I will be okay even if this doesn't work out, to realize he has his own needs too and that he's not responsible for my wellbeing. He didn't sign a contract to care for me. I have to do this for myself, and I will live through this "desperation", and things will be fine. Somehow I'm just so much more relaxed with all of it, and your video motivates me a lot to keep going and practice. :)
What is the difference between tolerating difficult emotions and simply depriving yourself of what you truly need? What's the difference between between being well-nourished and having a type of anorexia nervosa of life. What is the difference between tolerating difficult situations to the point it destroys you? I think that there's a very fine point where we get into anorexic thinking, not just eating.
Yeh i did raise an eyebrow when she mentioned a 3 day fast; but i think most of the video was sound....What you think is going to kill you actually won't....It's not urgent medical attention you need when you're lonely or horny or sad or bored ect...It just requires being present and realising if you can't have them fulfilled you are still ok.
Ok but the question still needs to be answered. Like I really need to know like how much of my needs am I supposed to not get met by my significant other. How can I pour into someone’s cup who won’t pour into mine leaving me feeling empty?
I think the key is just to not take it too far and maybe experiment to see what are your actual NEEDS vs not totally necessary. If you experiment and are like "oh, actually I can just entertain myself for a few hours and not be miserable when waiting for a text back," that's different than if you are really dissatisfied with your relationship's level of contact and are actually unhappy about it on a regular basis.
I agree. This comes from a person who started intermittent fasting during a period of grief (death of mother), and this soon became a full-blown episode of anorexia, which nearly killed me (I had to be admitted and have been tube-fed for months). So no, please don't starve yourself to postpone primary bodily needs if you're prone to eating disorders.
That being said, I strongly agree with the chocolate bar analogy. Eat real food to meet your needs. Don't depend on quick fixes/snacks. Sit down to eat that food and enjoy. It's no problem to postpone eating until the right time is there, but be aware of the fine line with set periods of fasting ;)
This is amazing, I've been so conflicted between my Buddhist believes about emotions and how they function in my day to day and this resolves it completely. Needs exist but they don't have to be met right away and the more you can sit with them the more we can make healthy choices. Thanks
This was extremely helpful and really helped me see these moments as an opportunity as a way to self regulate. I've been alone in a new city and usually enjoy alone time but it's been a longer period of time and I haven't made friendships yet here. The guy I'm interested in is more of an avoidant attachment style and I've been struggling with my thoughts regarding it. I'm seeing it now as more of an opportunity to heal 🙏
This is so insightful and helpful. Thank you! I grew up with narcissistic parents, in an enmeshed family. My father regularly blew up and mum saw her role in life as soothing him. She put that role on us. She dolled me a peace keeper and I wasn’t allowed to have any bad feelings about the family. We connected through drama but I’ve been able to shift this for me and now I strive for peace and calm consistently. That emotional sobriety you talked about. I struggled to rationalise not seeking support from others - it felt like here we go again, I’m not expressing my needs. But your video helped me out it into a healthy perspective. It’s a real aha moment for me. Thank you!
very timely video for me, thank you! being present but also being deliberately grateful for what needs you do have met are both top priority here. nothing like a strong belief in God to solidify thoughts of gratitude, in my opinion
This is by FAR the most helpful video I have seen on RUclips in the last couple of years. Until after my recent divorce, and subsequently starting to date someone very different from my ex-wife, I had no idea how needy I was. My therapist was helpful, but not anywhere near as clear and actionable as this fantastic video. Thank you!!
Hi. I draw tonnes of truly invaluable knowledge from your channel. You have a very fluent speech at the same time it feels as if you are present, in formulating yourself. You are not reading a script. That is great, makes the information so much more relatable. And also you believe in what you teach, that is the core of charisma. Your passion really shines on through. Thanks a bunch. Love from Sweden
Yet, it's always challenging to integrate our ego into our persona, especially since the ego is what kept/keeps us alive through very difficult times. Until we discover the reasons we began to rely on our egocentric nature, it's difficult to sublimate the ego. Once we know how and why the ego was amplified, it takes practice and mindfulness.
I've been looking at a lot of different self help media and I have to say that you are without a doubt the most relatable and realistic in your examples. You have been an invaluable resource for me in my new found desire to grow as an adult thank you so much
I think you’re my new favorite RUclips personality I’m not saying that put you on a pedestal I just want you to know you’re breathing, some pretty rare air in my world.
This is incredible advice and guidance that explains the underlying human emotions and behavior. At 57, going through a divorce after several years of denied intimacy; as I date/develop relationships with new women I feel elated then fearful of denial… so easy to obsess. Your mental exercises are so powerful. I am deeply grateful.
You are so well spoken and explain things in a way that feels like second nature to me. I have to actively stop myself from binge watching your videos (mainly because I have a Master's Thesis that's due in 2,5 weeks). I learn so damn much and I can relate to a lot of what you say in numerous videoes, regarding a varity of topics. It's also kind of funny how I am now (after coming out of a 5 year long relationship without knowing these things) able to help friends and family-members understand and apply the dynamics and communication-skills to perserve their romantic relationships. Turns out it's way easier to help others than to help yourself. I am very excited about my own progress so far and very optimistic in regards to how I apply what I now know to current friendships, family-relationships and potentially future romantic relationship. A lot of your information has already helped me understand, not only myself better, but close relatives. it is far easier to listen without judging, understanding other's perspectives and accepting differences in how different human beings percieve the world. I can quite easily understand where people are coming from now, and a lot of how the childhood dynamics and early realtionships have shaped a person to think, feel and act in a certain way. I can feel this new knowledge and understanding stengthening my realtionships. Both parties become more comfortable with setting boundaries and expressing their needs. Thank you so much for putting all this information out there for free. In my humble opinion, you are far better at explaining these concepts than other channels that may have more subscribers. Again, thank you.
I would like to state that these videos that you're making has helped to change my life in my relationship not towards only my boyfriend, but also towards my child, my mom and my friends so I want to say thank you I appreciate every single very detailed videos that you're making
Blown away by the analogy you drew of relating the enduring nature of fasting (from food) as a way to approach emotional needs not getting met in the moment. Wow! Impulse control!
As a DA who gets into intimate relationships with more anxious leaning types, I often feel so judged for not understanding or meeting the emotional needs of my partners when they never expressed this expectation of me. Analogy: It's like partners are expecting me to speak a foreign language and then punish, judge, and criticize when I don't speak this foreign language instead of expressing this need clearly and directly. If I do agree to try to meet this need to learn and speak this foreign language, please, can you work with me to find a language class and practice with me at my level? 😢 It's painful otherwise...
@@ameenahm.8949 First off, hi 😊! I guess I would like a partner to be like, "Emotional availability is really important to me and this is what that looks like....". Im on my way to secure so I know what that looks like generally now but I'm still a bit perplexed. I literally have laughed while others cried not because I'm a psychopath but because I laugh at my own vulnerability. I gaslight myself and minimize my own needs. I've been working overtime in therapy, reading books, watching videos, to learn and grow. Who knew folks actually felt their emotional pain and wanted to connect with others over it... 🤷🏽♀️😊 Really... My ignorance has made relationships very painful. 😕
I read your comment thinking you were a man and saying wow that’s very rare for a DA to even realize this or genuinely care but I just read your name and I see you’re a female. DA men are the worst - almost never get introspective enough to truly care to change . Good for you for trying - that would have meant the world to me as an AP woman with a hopeless DA man child .
I tried doing that with my DA ex. Being clear in the amount of time I wanted to spend together (2-3 evenings a week) and asking what their idea of a relationship was. Long story short, there was no negotiation on the time and no answer about their needs. I decided to end the relationship then.
Hi. I’m an AP guy. Been learning about attachment etc for a year now, and this video has only just made me realise that I can be and why I can be “needy” when triggered. Up until now I didn’t even know that I did desperately NEED anything. I’ve been triggered a couple of times in the last year with DA women I’ve dated and even then, after all I’ve learnt, it’s incredibly hard to access what I need and get the DA to even be bothered to listen to me, let alone explain it. In hat situations I find myself getting critical because it feels like the DA or even FA, isn’t listening, simply because they go silent and don’t use words like ‘ok, I understand’ or ‘i don’t understand’, a don’t try to have entertain a convo about it, because it seems to hurt their heads. So, with that in mind, the only advice I think I can give you, if things are getting heated, is to try to be mindful that the AP is trying to communicate desperately, and just needs someone to show, literally with warm words, that they are being heard. I believe this can probably go both ways. At least that’s how I feel as an AP. Good luck, everyone :)
Ive been working on healing my anxious attachments ove the last 6 weeks. I just found your videos today. Youre way if describing and walking you through is helping me put it into process so well. Thank you!
It does take practice. Just like yoga and meditation. I’m not able to do yoga or meditation for too long currently but I’d like to slowly start practicing on being okay with boredom and slowness of yoga. Eventually it becomes the most beautiful part of my day.
But how much emotional damage is her brutality doing? This video raised red flags for me. She might want to reflect on why she so often falls into “tough love” mode.
This is the best video I’ve seen on Neediness here on RUclips. And I’ve watched MANY! You articulate in a way that’s easy to digest and understand. I wish my therapist would have explained it to me this way months ago, however I’m very thankful for you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤ Definitely subscribed.
You are one of the most insightful and valuable online resources I've ever come across Heidi - this was a fantastic video, very well timed as well and I know more people need to come across this kind of advice. My partner and I love to discuss our relationship as well as our own attachment strategies and we both loved your take i.e. that outsourcing your need meeting is not the only solution to feeling needy, learning to be comfortable with feeling a lack of something is also a healthy strategy for managing that desperate feeling - this is definitely something people need to invest in honing in themselves in the long term to benefit in all those short term moments. Looking forward to the next one!
Thank you. I had an episode of panic attack while on the airplane. Suddenly I thought about relationships abandonment and separation anxieety from my family. I got through from it with the garce of God as I prayed and prayed until my chest becomes relaxed again. As I watched your video, it made a lot of sense and it gave me some good advise. Thank you and I hope to see more videos from you.
whew, this and so many of your other videos are incredibly helpful as I'm going through an awakening around attachment style and it's impact. The way you explain everything has been incredible for me to see the depths of how I shift from anxious to avoidant, depending on the relationship dynamics with the other person. These perspective shifts while reflecting upon past relationships is bringing so much of my imbalances into clarity and helping me to align with how to create the type of relationships I've wished for, but wasn't equipped to create. Thank yoU!!!
Be ok with being a little hungry. If I’m not going to die, then my physical and emotional needs do not need to be to be met at that moment. That was my AHA moment. WOW. Thank you.
Thank you for your thoughtful, thorough videos. Appreciate the topics and the time you put into them. This one is super important. Liberating new way of looking at this.
I’ve already watched this video twice, paused, replayed and picked up something new every time. There’s just so much to unpack in this. It feels like a key moment in my life where finally I can heal from a lifetime of longing for connection and feeling lonely. Thank you for all of your work and videos on anxious attachment. It has answered so many questions and helped me see myself in a new light. I finally have hope.
I think this should take into account what the innner child is saying at the time as well and treat her with tenderness. Just saying to myself "no" is another form of non-nurture to the part of us that really is lacking something basic. She needs something and it feels like an emergency now because she has nothing to work with... Integrated connection withing the inner adult and inner child can help us not self abuse Just saying stop doing this cycle that's hurtful to you, doesn't address the bodies need for a comforter I really think this video is thoughtful and well said. I just wanted to add this because that's the part that I often miss with therapists. I can change my mindset all day long but my body doesn't believe me I should add that this video maybe isn't as much for me personally I tend to numb out when I have needs, I have a hyperadrenergic disorder so litteraly every emotional threat makes me sick, I cannot process well. That's why the body focused stuff works better for me. It really feels like you touched on this closely, just not so fully into that side ❤
I see this as a fair and balanced comment. I agree that abstinence from a destructive behaviour is not in and of itself going to fix underlying emotional problems. Though I also don’t imagine that’s what I was suggesting in this video, so I’m wondering if I was not articulating the other piece fully enough (which is that presence in moments of intensity can lead us to the underlying more ‘core’ emotions that can in turn inform ways in which we need to restructure our lives and self-relationships overall).
@@heidipriebe1 I think I got that more from.the begining of the video more than the end... I was told by my first therapist to learn how to tolerate my feelings, but I wasn't actually shown how in a way that I could feel that made sense to me, I was just way too shut down at the time and in the middle of very hard stuff. I think physical sickness and pain can really get in the way of emotional healing sometimes because that's the body's real emergency in the moment... Drs often suggest therapy as a compliment to pain management but it's not a substitute as it's sometimes treated
@@heidipriebe1seriously though your videos have given me so much better language to make my self more understood by my partner. It's practical. I love having this chanel to send him because your videos are so thoughtful and well explained
I think emotional tolerance is a very difficult and sort of ‘high level’ skill in the sense of, a lot can get in the way of it. I imagine it can feel frustrating to have it presented as an option in a way that implies it’s simple. It’s really not. And it’s something we could probably collectively use some very grounded education on (I.e. What are the specific, actionable nuts and bolts involved in developing emotional tolerance skills). That’s given me a lot to reflect on, particularly in thinking about future content around the topic. So thank you, for taking the time to give thoughtful and honest feedback (and for also sharing the positives!) 🙏
Honestly, your videos are a gold mine. I just entered a genuine relationship that’s revealing all these issues that I’ve never realized about myself nor worked on and these vids are so incredibly helpful and insightful. Thank you for helping me understand me and my trauma, as well as teaching me how to learn and grow despite them.
"BUT!" 💁🏻♀️ If the only things I feel for you are compassion, admiration and gratitude... have I yet arrived at what they call Unconditional Love? ;) Jokes apart, Heidi, you're doing great and important work. Your wisdom, realness and eloquence are spectacular, very inspiring. Shine on you crazy diamond 🧡💥
Secure relationship is not 2 people constantly meeting each others needs......it is 2 people meeting their own needs....finding some explicit agreements abt which needs they r going to meet for each other and being understanding and giving grace when they r not able to meet those needs
I was blocked and ghosted by my intimate partner a year ago, and it absolutely devastated me. I tried everything. Exercise, yoga, journaling, therapy, Reiki, neurofeedback, meditation, tarot cards, astrology, dating other people, writing. Much more. I tried everything. The thing that helped me by far the most, was a three day fast. It was by far the most helpful thing I tried. If you have been ghosted, or you are having trouble with feeling ignored, I recommend a fast. She's absolutely right. It helps.
Thank you for that video, i have watched it multiple times already! The biggest take away - what i would do if i never had this person in my life, if he/she was never born? That gives so much positive insights on what I could do/continue/start in my life to feel more fulfilled!! Instead of waiting for someone to take me by the hand and lead to a play ground. I need and am able to get to the playground myself!! On the other note, shame is truly the heaviest emotion in case of neediness, shame for your own incapability to be an adult, think straight and be less selfish.
This is great! I realize now that I was not specific in my needs, not that I knew at the time what those needs were. But also that I am the jealous type, not a swinger.
Wow. Thank you for this video! This was so great! I've always struggled with meeting my own needs and validating myself . Of course I chose an avoidant partner, and it has been a very rocky 12 years. I recently came to learn that many of his avoidance patterns toward me are actually considered abusive. Intermittant reinforcement and gaslighting being the main ones. My problem lies in reconciling the truths in this video of me being an individual who doesn't panic when my emotional needs arent being met and instead learn ways to accept them, meet them myself, or find another way of getting them met. AND coming to a place where I see that this is an unhealthy relationship and no matter how much I am trying to "fix it myself" the patterns are still abusive and I need to get out. It's really hard for me to distinguish between the two. I'm willing to accept my neediness and work on it, but when is that not enough? How can I see what is mine to work on and what is his, that he is just choosing not to give me?? And I'm just trying to get blood from a turnip? Advice anyone..? Thanks🙏
I can relate to this. I've found Alan Robarge's videos very helpful on this kind of topic. About unhealthy relationship dynamics and knowing when it's your stuff and when it's just a situation that won't work for you.
Heidi I just found your videos (great timing) and it made me realize the work I need to do within myself. I was always alone growing up. My mother and sister were always home (my father at work) but I would be alone in my room with my music and books. As an adult Ive had 2 marriages and now im in a serious relationship but there is a pattern ive realized where there is always something missing with my partners. They never can really meet my neediness. And I realized just recently how extreme my actions are when he doesnt meet my needs. It's like a child screaming to feel seen. Even though that is not the case. Thank you so much for explaining with such great detail. ❤
Your videos have helped me process so much of the loss of my husband and how I am currently creating these fantasies without integrating fully the loss/void. Thank you 🙏 for helping my self regulate
I have a fear of abandonment. I feel clingy, because I feel alone. How can I feel less alone without that person if I don't have any other person? How do I give my inner child what I'm needing from the other person? Also, how can I overcome this deeply held belief of not being good enough? My self-esteem is crippingly low and I find myself approval seeking a lot, which is a problem is relationships. I do just enough to gain approval, but then stop once I reach an intermediate level, because I fear criticism/evaluation. In relationships, I'm codependent. Fearful avoidant attachment style. I'm clingy, controlling and critical. How can I heal, so I can feel less worthless and scared and I can treat others better?
I hear you. I also have fearful avoidant attachment and have done tons of work. A huge foundation for healing is regulating the nervous system. Doing things to get the sympathetic system to calm down, is huge. When we feel like we cannot tolerate intense feelings, we are often in fight/flight. Unfortunately, we can create what we fear through desperation. Our behaviors can push others away. Desperate energy is a repellent. Alone is not the problem. Loneliness is. That's a key distinction. Alone merely means by oneself. It is not that, that is the issue. Why? Because solitude is also being alone and is very healthy, and some people relish in it. Loneliness can happen with, or without others. Loneliness is, at the heart, disconnection. It is disconnection from self first, then with others. When we cannot sit with ourselves, hold space, tune in, be still, feel our feelings, safely...we are disconnected from ourselves. We then desperately seek for others to fill that, meet that. Unfortunately, we will never feel ok, secure with connecting to others, until we fully can connect with, be with ourselves. We attract others who will be with us at the level we are with ourselves. If we are uncomfortable, restless, avoiding our own presence (by seeking outside, instead of sitting with what's inside), we will attract others who treat us the same. If we depend on others to completely meet that need, we hand over our power. We are at the mercy of their whims. When we connect with, become at peace with, accept, ourselves...we are empowered. We won't accept crumbs, because we don't breadcrumb ourselves. We don't accept dismissal, because we don't dismiss ourselves. We don't accept betrayal, because we no longer self betray. We self advocate and know what we want. We no longer feel a need to people please...because we heal that core wound (or in some cases, core wounds) of unworthiness "I'm not good enough". We see our value, we know our worth, we know we have a right to take up space in the world. We don't need to constantly prove and work for it. You are enough. You can show up for your inner child. Write a list of all the things you needed from your parents. Write a list of all the things you want from others. Then write a list of how you can show up for yourself in ways that honor the things on those lists. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a small child, a sweet animal. The most important part is in the internal automatic negative dialogue. To be mindful of what you are saying to yourself, is very powerful. Often, our internal dialogue is a reflection of the repeated messages we've received from childhood. The cognitive distortions, biases, and "strories" (about ourselves and others) need to be inquired about. Those often contribute to our suffering. The power of loving oneself, through learning to accept and nurture yourself...is indescribable. Your life will change immeasurably. You will be ok with being with yourself. You will attract people who show up for you and you will feel connected to the right people. It takes time, patience, self compassion. It is possible though! I hope you come back in a few months and are transformed!! I wish you all the best 💛💫
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Super helpful, thank you. I'm realizing in my 30s how emotionally immature I've been- and it's bringing up a lot of shame. I was raised by narcisstic parents and not really taught emotional regulation, boundaries, etc. & realizing the level of entitlement I've felt towards others to regulate me, is scary. I'm having to teach myself things I should've been taught as a child, and your channel is super illuminating.
Best of luck on your journey 😊
Same here. I’ve been learning to self soothe myself
Sending you lots positive energy and love along your journey. You got this!!
This resanates with me and I'm in my late 40s. Well done to you identifying this earlier on and doing the introspective work.
Likewise ❤️🩹
" opposite of needines is not our need being met, but just being present with whatever is happening in a given moment " ❤️
@jessicaras4540not everybody believes in sky daddy
Letting the past become a happy memory instead of a source of pain and loss in the present - what a concept! Thanks for talking about that process.
Yes, I want that!
It's a double-edged sword, though. It's good to be grateful for happy moments from the past, but you have to be careful not to spend so much time enjoying your memories that you disconnect from the present.
"Interpersonal hunger". What a wonderful way of putting it!
My partner became my ex when he called me needy and lazy, about ten to twenty times in a row. I learned after going into a good and respectful relationship that my level of need was normal. Some people are just jerks.
Glad you're free!!!🎉🎉
all exes, right😂😂😂
@@TJ-kk5zf I mean if someone won't give a girl compliments when she asks, contributes zero to a relationship, leeches money, never pays attention to emotional needs then yes, they deserve to be an ex. I wouldn't say all my past partners have been bad, that one in particular was an ex husband. He just didn't want to do any work in general or in the relationship. Best part about him being ultra poor is that the divorce was only $400.
@@RoseaCreates ALL of them? have you examined what in yourself draws such people, if this is indeed accurate. Your partner called you needy and lazy, and he would insist that was true of you.
@@TJ-kk5zf I was going through a divorce, he called me lots of things. He wasn't very emotionally developed. However I did get a good partner, five years now, so luckily all the name calling I received and threats to burn my house down are no longer.
Needing more from someone than they can give is an issue, yes. But ‘needy’ is a term that can be used by an avoidant to push someone away or to protect themselves from engulfment. It can also be used by narcissistic people to control or shame someone who simply wants human connection. Having said that, I watched all of the video and appreciate it. I have long worked at trying to heal my anxious attachment. Perspectives like yours are helping me understand and move in that direction.
The term doesn't change the issue, you could call it something else but the problem would be the same, an inability to deal with lack in the moment, panicking when one is unable to get what they want. But yes, just like with many words, even "emotional", it can be used to shame.
Amen. I was so shamed that I became eight times more avoidant than her. So then I turned her needy.
And then...shamed her.
Oof. Love to everybody here.
Yes, but you should value yourself enough to not deal with an avoidant. If somebody is not investing equally in you and you are pushing to invest in them that shows you don’t have a lot of self-love. You are worthy of all the love you are craving, you just need to give it to yourself first and work on boundaries and emotional intelligence, then you can attract a partner and experience true intimacy that you desire. We all deserve this, and it’s so much different. I’m speaking from personal experience I have been into toxic marriages end this last one almost killed me so it was either die or figure it out
I've always been a big believer in "whatever you aren't giving yourself, you look for others to give you." If I feel like I need a hug, I realize i am being cold in someway towards myself, so i start loving myself and I feel at ease. This is coming from a guy who spends long stretches of being single. Try it out!
The best advice I've ever heard from a therapist around having your needs met is to begin meeting your needs yourself. You cant meet all your needs 100% yourself but meeting them as much as you can prevents you from going into distress. And that's key because if you stop being distressed you won't feel like you're going to die if someone doesn't answer your text or doesn't follow through with plans. Doing an inventory of what all my needs are and finding ways to meet them changed my life. It gave me room to develop nervous system capacity and settle down in my body❤
this is great advice
Well yeah, but on the other hand, at the same time, connection to other person, love and such, seem to be very primal human needs, don't they? At the same time you read that touch deprivation can lead to actual health issues. So is it really so that the point is to meet all your needs yourself? If not then where is the border of meeting them yourself vs agreeing that you actually need someone else?
@@dzi333 Be able to rely on yourself first and foremost. Get to know yourself, and make sure you can take care of your own needs and wants in the world of consenting adults. There is no border in all reality, because there are more people than I could think of that probably have gone a very long time without touch. Just a thought. All love! It builds confidence in you and helps you know that you can always hold your own. Therefore if someone else were to step into the picture, it would make it that much easier for someone to know if it's a good match too! Really in any sense. Friendship, and romantic from my experiences.
@@dzi333 yes, the line is very hard to draw and I can’t really seem to get a firm grip on where the actual line is for me.
My point exactly!!!
What I think about for tip #2 is, what if cell phones didn't exist? What if i existed in a time before texting? I wouldn't be expecting communication 24/7 and it makes me feel better.
Tip #3 was eye-opening for me!
The worst thing about feeling needy is you just don't know if your specific "need" is totally valid and should be discussed, or it's just neediness kicked in. Don't know what to believe and stop believing yourself completely.
This channel is one of my favorites, makes me feel uncomfortable as heck but it helps me with navigating emotions in a better way.
I'm a couple of months outside of a three year long relationship, and I've been grieving it so hard. I clicked on this video thinking I'd be learning how to be better in my next relationship, but what I got was a detailed gameplan on how to move past what I'm going through now. 😅 Wild how that works out sometimes.
*Shifting the mindset from seeking validation to finding fulfillment within oneself is so empowering. It encourages individuals to cultivate their own happiness, which ultimately leads to more satisfying relationships.*
This is so kindly said...gives me hope that I can not abandon myself or my new relationship that I am paniced in.
That part about getting comfortable with the feeling that you are afraid will happen if the thing you believe you need does not come to be, is perhaps one of the most important insights I've ever seen on the Internet. Thank you.
I think whenever I feel needy, I'll come and watch this video, which will be A LOT, until your teachings becomes habits. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and calling with us Heidi. You are brilliant.
Same! I hope you are doing just a little bit better each time - baby steps!!! Your comment really comforted and encouraged me. I feel so helpless and alone when I panic and feel needy, but I’m not alone!
@@ffflyin1697 aww thank you! I hope you are too. You are definitely not alone! We are not! This video has 141k views. We have company 🙃
Heidi I’m so glad I found your channel. I’m sure you get thousands of comments like this per day but I truly want to thank you for the way you frame the way the mind is working. It’s ridiculously illuminating and exposed so much with the negative patterns I kept falling back into. Your ability to break down the way the mind is operating has helped me so much you have no idea.
Thank you!
An additional point that I think is helpful to make is that when individuals feel like they are strongly in need of something, especially when there is any sense of panic, anxiety & these kinds of feelings associated with it, there is often an underlining deep rooted feeling of abandonment. This feeling of abandonment usually comes from childhood. Feelings of separation and not having one's needs met by a partner, friend or family member as an adult can trigger these feelings of abandonment. Separation occurs in different ways for different reasons within any relationship. (I am talking about every day life circumstances & not someone actually walking out of someone's life altogether). These feelings & fears of abandonment can feel terrifying. They may seem irrational to an outsider, but to the person experiencing them, this feels like a life or death situation. The person experiencing these feelings is feeling like they will not survive unless someone comes to their aid. It is a child's feelings in an adult body/soul/heart/psyche. Reexperiencing states of abandonment & separation from childhood can be acutely painful. This often happens in adult relationships when one or both individuals have not yet healed from these wounds. Anxiously attached and Avoidantly attached individuals usually have struggled with feelings of abandonment & separation. In addition to learning how to self-soothe & to tune into one's own needs & fulfill them, there is often serious healing that needs to take place around issues of abandonment & separation that have to be both cognitively & intuitively understood with a tremendous amount of compassion. Nurturing our own inner child or children in an ongoing way is essential in this healing process as well as having an evolving understanding of what's going on inside of us that causes our behavior, & that stirs up feelings & thoughts that may be challenging to understand or to shift out from.
This is so accurate. It's nearly impossible to know how a small child feels when being abandoned around age 2?
If someone could remember the original incident, it could put things into perspective.
I would imagine that that memory would speak volumes to a needy person. This is the reason that I wonder if psilocybin could be useful.
When I was 5ish, I was in Minneapolis shopping in a large department store; I wandered off, alone, and lost my mother. lol...
When I couldn't find her, I started crying-screaming out for her. A kind clerk got on the PA system asking if someone was missing their child. I'll never forget the experience. Mom was nearby, and we were reconnected immediately, so no harm was done.
Is there something that triggers urgent feelings of neediness, I wonder. That would further complicate feelings of neediness. I think that trust would be a huge issue unless one trusts herself or himself.
Reflecting back on the shopping excursion, I recall leaving the store nearly immediately after being found. When we got outside, I remember looking around at the buildings that were large and cold looking - no hugs or warmth from my mother, either. She was just her usual cold self! Mothers are not always good mothers. When this happens, we learn not to look to them for love. Then, we try our best to be self-sufficient.
@@kirstinstrand6292I can relate to that.
My mother turned cold and no-nonsense when out in public. She would take me along somewhere and be chatting to her friends or adults and would get really dismissive or irritated if I wanted any attention from her. She would sort of scoff at my anxiety and it was clear she preferred the way my brother would run off confidently and independently. But at home I was 100% dependent on her and there was only my absent father and brother so it wasn’t exactly a surprise as to how dependent I was on her. She would be kind and affectionate at bedtime (to get me off to sleep as fast as possible) but after that it was just busy busy busy. It does make me feel angry looking back, even though it was a short period of my life now. But it seems to have left emotional wounds (loneliness, fear of abandonment, sadness, shame) that are very hard to repair. Am in my 50s now and my mother in her 80s and she still triggers me! I see her as little as possible because I find it emotionally disregulating for me. But in reality I find everyone but my children emotionally disregulating now.
Yea but I feel that trying to be self sufficient didn’t work for me so I tried to find what I needed in men’s approval and “ love”.
It sounds like the abandonment happened even when your mom was right in front of you with her coldness and disconnect- she was physically present but it didn't feel like she was truly with you. It's like going to a well and it's empty- even though the well is present, it's not giving you what you need, in this case being water, whereas with your mom, it's acknowledgement, love, and affection. If there is an ongoing lack of attunement from the caregiver, the child does not feel seen, understood, or safe because an unattuned parent is not present and receptive enough to really be with the child as they are in order to look after their needs. The lack of emotional connection (emotional neglect) is experienced as abandonment because that's what it is for a child. Kids are dependent on their caregivers physically and emotionally in those early years, unfortunately many parents don't even know how to show up for themselves and then that projects out onto the child and they feel guilty, rejected/abandoned, lost, afraid, starved and desperate for love and connection. The abandonment is in the needs not being met of any kind ie. biopsychosocial needs. @@kirstinstrand6292
You are describing the exact situation I am in right now (friendship, not romantic). I was pretty much convinced I was the hurt party in the story, but watching your video made it clear to me that my expectations from the past were driving my resentment towards the friend. Thank you!
I really like the chocolate bar analogy! I’m very good at refraining from eating snacks during the day even if I’m starting to get hungry, because I know I will be eating something healthy for actual lunch/dinner - I need to apply this to when I feel romantically/emotionally hungry/panicked.
Heidi I’m so appreciative of having come across this video. This feeling of neediness has been such a struggle for me and I felt so unprepared to handle it. I wanted to send this as a small thank you. For making content like this. You’ve directly impacted my life. I hope this small donation helps you continue to make this wonderful content.
Wow when you talked about letting go everything seriously just clicked. I lived in a constant state of comparing my relationship to the past honeymoon phase (similar to your friend analogy), expecting it to be like that forever where all of my self-esteem and needs were met 25/7. Once the relationship matured after a couple years and was no longer like that I was upset, needy, unhappy and disappointed all the time blaming him for “changing” and not loving me anymore. I really needed to hear this THANK YOU
Same here!! But for me it’s worse because the eyes I used to get from him come back out for my blossomed teenage daughter instead of me now!! I get she’s beautiful but geez! It’s like there’s no acknowledgment unless you’re young and beautiful!
@@shawntelchinn84 That's not normal and you should not want him around her. If it were me, I'd end that relationship asap.
I have the same problem but I don't know how to deal with it. Please, do you have any tips for me? I'm feeling unwanted, unappreciated and unloved but I think it's just me and not his fault...
@@shawntelchinn84 Your partner is sexually attracted to your teenage daughter and your only reaction is envy? Get that guy away from her, as soon as possible.
same here, i've been feeling unloved, unwanted, ignored. but my partner is busy with work and he is tired and just want to chill playing games when we get home. i can tolerate that for a week before i burst out. now, it's a cycle (ignored for a week, burst out, get affection for a day, ignored for another week) i am trying to break out of this cycle. trying to be ok with trying to meet my needs myself, finding other circle of friends and support. but, this video really help
In my thinking, the word "needy" carries a lot of unnecessarily judgement. Having needs is part of the human experience. When we have needs surfacing in intense ways this can often mean that unmet needs from the past are coming up to be acknowledged. That we might not feel emotionally safe. It can also mean that there is a lot of vulnerability around having needs & expressing them. I think that the word "needy" is really shame based & we can really find other ways to use the word, "need" that is respectful of ourselves as well as of others. Shame & judgement shuts us & others down. It's a barrier. I think that the word "needy" is a roadblock that doesn't help the person who needs help & support. I think that word "needy" is often used to power trip, reject & distance others when the person who is observing or sensing that someone is in need feels uncomfortable.
I second your assessment
I feel that too. I think many use it w a sense of superiority. But I also think she did a good job of defining the word in the video.
I don't think that those who name someone as needy think themselves superior. It's just that some people are better put together than others.
They choose to protect themselves because perhaps they've learned to deal with their own neediness.
I remember an attorney that I met and found attractive. I invited him to dinner at my house - he didn't show. I called him and asked why he stood me up. He said that I appeared needy. I had no idea what needy meant. I just assumed that he wasn't interested in me, which was acceptable. Yet, it did make me think! And I appreciated his honesty.
Those that are needy have unresolved issues. It's as simple as that - neither bad nor good... just a fact. If someone chooses to judge, let them. I am aware of being needy sometimes if I meet someone who I find interesting, which only occasionally happens. Lol. But now I can work with myself, so I don't feel helpless or out of control.
Certainly, this was not always the case. It helps to have the ability to be open and honest. And if the new acquaintance cannot be open and honest, too, I move on.
How does it matter if that's unmet needs surfacing from the past. Of course they come from somewhere. Still if it makes me needy I rather know it and work on healing it than focus on feeling offended by it. It carries negative judgement because it's not a positive trait to possess. It makes the needy person unhappy and unfulfilled. So yeah, not a cute word but the right word.
I agree. If you're needs are reasonable, but your partner refuses to acknowledge reasonable requests, you aren't being needy. Sometimes partners label the other person as "needy" when in reality they are neglecting the relationship.
Having those needs never met by anyone, even as an adult, really makes self regulation much more difficult as there is no positive reference point
I'm really feeling this right now.
See you get it !
Yeah, I'm kinda feeling like, okay, so we're supposed to "just learn to be okay" with being in a chronic state of unmet needs, disconnection, loneliness and slowly emotionally starving? That doesn't seem healthy. They're needs. You can only delay them for so long. 😣
Yes, we can survive, but we will not thrive.
@@mrs.antiheroActually, spiritually speaking, nobody owes us anything. After 25 years, we are supposed to become adults and serve all forms of life, while taking care of the body untrusted to us by Life. This is what it is to become an accomplished adult. Otherwise we stay immature and eternally suffering in victim position.
This!!!
This was like a punch in the gut. I cried for 20 minutes and my eyes and throat are burning... But i need this, thank you
The candy bar analogy blew my mind. I feel like every relationship I dive into is with a chocolate bar, I know it’s horrible for me but I’m hungry and don’t want to cook. 😂
HAHAAH the don't wanna cook part. lol
I’ve learned just how needy and obnoxious I’ve been in my last relationship. I’m disappointed and disgusted with myself. I so appreciate your videos because they’ve helped me better understand my past trauma(s) and behaviors. I’m on a journey of change. Not liking it very much but it is what it will be. Again, THANK YOU
Me too
I usually don't write comments on youtube. But I am watching your videos since a while and this now just maked me "click". Through the clarity of your words and the structured steps you were going through I finally can see and most importantly > sort out/feel < in this moment deeply my underlying emotions and why i am showing neediness in my relationships. Feeling this self connection right now, sitting with the intensity which already subsided mostly and experiencing "I can face it." makes me really grateful right now. Thank you so much Heidi for your work - please keep it up :)!
I partially agree. Going hungry in favor of healthier circumstances, yes. But at the same time, maybe because I skew anxious avoidant and not just anxious, I feel that I have gone too many years accepting the feelings of neediness as my normal. And the result is a life lived with many lonely nights drinking alone at home because my inclination is to swirl around in the feelings rather than work on bonding with people.
Emotional regulation, self control and discipline. Learning to comfort ourselves in uncomfortable situations instead of relying on someone else to.
Just wanted to say your videos about attachment has really opened my eyes to a lot of unhealthy behavior patterns I’ve been making my whole life. And your videos have inspired me to seek professional help to try and heal my anxious attachment style. Thank you Heidi
Another banger of a video per usual, showing up exactly at the right time! Your ability to communicate potentially confusing/misunderstood concepts & ideas in such a clear, articulate & accessible way is greatly appreciated! I feel very grateful to you & your content. You've helped me more than you know. Thank you Heidi!
Perfectly said! I concur!
Well said. So calm, clear and effective.
Your point about “where can we go with the truth of this moment” resonates hard. It’s so easy to try and keep things as they were in the past (especially if it was good times.)
Trying not to force the past into the present and future
I would add that a lot of times, what we are afraid of are not just the body sensations but the fixed meanings we have attached to it....ie: feeling sad or lonely means shame or unworthiness or chronic pain or never being loved in the future. I think the moment we question those meanings...we are more able to handle our body sensations without panicking
That was really eye opening comment. New perspective.
I watched this about 3 months ago when it first came out after a hard break up and while it helped me a bit, I thought it was good to look at the times I had with my ex as a positive experience and to be thankful for them, this helped me back then. As I re-watch this now, I no longer feel that same attitude towards my past experiences with her, but I still see that value in what you say. I feel watching it now, there is still so much I am picking up on the second go around a few months later. You have really helped me understand myself better and how my mind works. I thank you for the videos and hope you know that they provide ongoing value for so many parts of healing and attachment growth.
Amazing. You're making really high quality resources. I don't know the sources, but all of this is new. I wish I saw this 6 months ago when I was panicking and about to lose who I feel was the love of my life
Echoing all the other comments in that you are providing INCREDIBLY valuable content when I need it most. I feel seen, understood, supported, and hopeful for my healing journey. I feel so much less alone, and like I'm not 'broken' - just understandably affected by the trauma I experienced in my childhood. THANK YOU. You are angel.
I hate living like this. I've been doing this "emotional fasting" in the video for many many years. I don't ask for reassurance. I ask for VERY LITTLE in a relationship. I don't have community/friends/family that I can trust for support. I have to either 1) meet my own needs (often not knowing how or possibly bottling them up) or 2) continue living with my needs unmet (I think this is what I typically do, because I don't have community/friends/family who are willing to meet my needs on the level of being close/connected). I'm trying everything, but nothing is working. I hide my neediness because no one wants to be around a needy person, and I don't want to do things that typically drive others away. But it's really painful living like this. I could have a much better quality of life if I could fix my problems.
I honestly don’t know what I might have done if I didn’t stumble upon Heidi’s videos. She just makes everything make sense.
Thank you for explaining this with a specific example of waiting for a response. I’m learning that people communicate differently and I’m focusing on my communication within myself 🙏🏽
“Feeling self-disgust, feeling shame, that comes up for everybody. It happens. There is nobody who never feels those things.”
No, no, no. This is normalising a pathological state where the ego takes over our true Self. There definitely are people, even though they are rare, who never feel self disgust nor shame, because they are liberated from the identification with the ego and stopped listening to its voice. They are called sages, or saints, and we all can become one: this is what fully fulfilled human potential truly looks like. Don’t stop there, Heidi. There is a whole other dimension of Life waiting for you.
Excellent video. I like the way you use co-regulate as a term to distinguish from co-dependency. By making explicit what needs you want met in relationship some of the time, it avoids the fallacy of total independence (need denial) and the go get them met elsewhere as a "fix it" solution, otherwise why be in a (committed) relationship. The fasting example is an excellent technique for self regulation... conveying how difficult it is to control what feels like, instinctual, hard wired, body based emotions. Great stuff. Will check out more of your videos.
This is the only method that has actually finally helped me to self regulate when I’m panic and looking to outside sources to soothe me !!! Finally I am getting some peace on my own . It’s really working everytime a trigger comes up . Thank you so much Heidi ❤
You are incredibly insightful and articulate👍🏾
I can't even describe how much this has helped me. I know I'm on the cusp of huge personal discovery. I've watched your channel today for hours and I can feel my static state changing. I've experienced many of these emotions as I have realized I am an anxiously attached person. I lost her nearly three years ago and have been on this journey of discovering where I went wrong. It was the worst most painful thing I've ever gone through, and still going through it. I know one day, we become reunited, but in the meantime, I have to learn about myself, about her and how to be healthy myself before that day comes. Super, incredibly helpful. Explained very, very well, with empathy and understanding... I could go on and on... Thank you Heidi.
Wow. I’ve watched three videos and had three aha moments. I’ve spent hours listening to spiritual gurus and neuroscientists, psychologists, etc. and nobody has been able to get through in such a pragmatic and applicable way. I’m very excited to see where this takes me in many issues eggy with anxious attachment, addiction, etc. all boils down to this inability to be present with emotions as this applies across the board in anything I do to “be okay” in that moment with intolerable emotions.
Spot on. This is the stuff I finally started to practice on this year.
I'm crushing on someone for a couple of months now, also told him, but he still has to process his breakup from last year. This really makes me go into protest behaviour sometimes, because he really wants to be friends with me either way. A voice inside if me goes like "Well he doesn't deserve your attention if he doesn't want to be with you", though I also finally want to learn to have a connection with a guy without needing to be intimate and have a relationship with immidiately. So it's hard not wanting to text him everyday and wanting to be very close to him when we hang out, and that's when the longing comes in. When we first started to get to know each other, my anxiety was skyrocketing and I couldn't even really eat for couple of days, I just felt sick. Though now I'm feeling more and more comfortable with this situation, because I decided to actually get to know him first as a person, to build a friendship, to tell myself that I will be okay even if this doesn't work out, to realize he has his own needs too and that he's not responsible for my wellbeing. He didn't sign a contract to care for me. I have to do this for myself, and I will live through this "desperation", and things will be fine. Somehow I'm just so much more relaxed with all of it, and your video motivates me a lot to keep going and practice. :)
What is the difference between tolerating difficult emotions and simply depriving yourself of what you truly need? What's the difference between between being well-nourished and having a type of anorexia nervosa of life. What is the difference between tolerating difficult situations to the point it destroys you? I think that there's a very fine point where we get into anorexic thinking, not just eating.
Yeh i did raise an eyebrow when she mentioned a 3 day fast; but i think most of the video was sound....What you think is going to kill you actually won't....It's not urgent medical attention you need when you're lonely or horny or sad or bored ect...It just requires being present and realising if you can't have them fulfilled you are still ok.
Ok but the question still needs to be answered. Like I really need to know like how much of my needs am I supposed to not get met by my significant other. How can I pour into someone’s cup who won’t pour into mine leaving me feeling empty?
I think the key is just to not take it too far and maybe experiment to see what are your actual NEEDS vs not totally necessary. If you experiment and are like "oh, actually I can just entertain myself for a few hours and not be miserable when waiting for a text back," that's different than if you are really dissatisfied with your relationship's level of contact and are actually unhappy about it on a regular basis.
I agree. This comes from a person who started intermittent fasting during a period of grief (death of mother), and this soon became a full-blown episode of anorexia, which nearly killed me (I had to be admitted and have been tube-fed for months). So no, please don't starve yourself to postpone primary bodily needs if you're prone to eating disorders.
That being said, I strongly agree with the chocolate bar analogy. Eat real food to meet your needs. Don't depend on quick fixes/snacks. Sit down to eat that food and enjoy. It's no problem to postpone eating until the right time is there, but be aware of the fine line with set periods of fasting ;)
This is amazing, I've been so conflicted between my Buddhist believes about emotions and how they function in my day to day and this resolves it completely. Needs exist but they don't have to be met right away and the more you can sit with them the more we can make healthy choices. Thanks
This was extremely helpful and really helped me see these moments as an opportunity as a way to self regulate. I've been alone in a new city and usually enjoy alone time but it's been a longer period of time and I haven't made friendships yet here. The guy I'm interested in is more of an avoidant attachment style and I've been struggling with my thoughts regarding it. I'm seeing it now as more of an opportunity to heal 🙏
This is so insightful and helpful. Thank you! I grew up with narcissistic parents, in an enmeshed family. My father regularly blew up and mum saw her role in life as soothing him. She put that role on us. She dolled me a peace keeper and I wasn’t allowed to have any bad feelings about the family. We connected through drama but I’ve been able to shift this for me and now I strive for peace and calm consistently. That emotional sobriety you talked about.
I struggled to rationalise not seeking support from others - it felt like here we go again, I’m not expressing my needs. But your video helped me out it into a healthy perspective.
It’s a real aha moment for me. Thank you!
very timely video for me, thank you! being present but also being deliberately grateful for what needs you do have met are both top priority here. nothing like a strong belief in God to solidify thoughts of gratitude, in my opinion
This is by FAR the most helpful video I have seen on RUclips in the last couple of years. Until after my recent divorce, and subsequently starting to date someone very different from my ex-wife, I had no idea how needy I was. My therapist was helpful, but not anywhere near as clear and actionable as this fantastic video. Thank you!!
Hi. I draw tonnes of truly invaluable knowledge from your channel. You have a very fluent speech at the same time it feels as if you are present, in formulating yourself. You are not reading a script. That is great, makes the information so much more relatable. And also you believe in what you teach, that is the core of charisma. Your passion really shines on through. Thanks a bunch. Love from Sweden
Yes, Heidi is truly Authentic...rare these days! Most seem to be Ego driven.
Yet, it's always challenging to integrate our ego into our persona, especially since the ego is what kept/keeps us alive through very difficult times. Until we discover the reasons we began to rely on our egocentric nature, it's difficult to sublimate the ego. Once we know how and why the ego was amplified, it takes practice and mindfulness.
This is the most helpful channel on youtube, your videos have helped me understand myself so much, its more effective than years of therapy
I frequently return to watch this video to understand my feelings and what I need to do to regulate myself
My success with women improved exponentially when I got rid of the stink of desperation.
How did you get rid off it?
I've been looking at a lot of different self help media and I have to say that you are without a doubt the most relatable and realistic in your examples.
You have been an invaluable resource for me in my new found desire to grow as an adult thank you so much
I think you’re my new favorite RUclips personality
I’m not saying that put you on a pedestal
I just want you to know you’re breathing, some pretty rare air in my world.
This is incredible advice and guidance that explains the underlying human emotions and behavior. At 57, going through a divorce after several years of denied intimacy; as I date/develop relationships with new women I feel elated then fearful of denial… so easy to obsess. Your mental exercises are so powerful. I am deeply grateful.
You are so well spoken and explain things in a way that feels like second nature to me. I have to actively stop myself from binge watching your videos (mainly because I have a Master's Thesis that's due in 2,5 weeks). I learn so damn much and I can relate to a lot of what you say in numerous videoes, regarding a varity of topics. It's also kind of funny how I am now (after coming out of a 5 year long relationship without knowing these things) able to help friends and family-members understand and apply the dynamics and communication-skills to perserve their romantic relationships. Turns out it's way easier to help others than to help yourself.
I am very excited about my own progress so far and very optimistic in regards to how I apply what I now know to current friendships, family-relationships and potentially future romantic relationship. A lot of your information has already helped me understand, not only myself better, but close relatives. it is far easier to listen without judging, understanding other's perspectives and accepting differences in how different human beings percieve the world. I can quite easily understand where people are coming from now, and a lot of how the childhood dynamics and early realtionships have shaped a person to think, feel and act in a certain way. I can feel this new knowledge and understanding stengthening my realtionships. Both parties become more comfortable with setting boundaries and expressing their needs. Thank you so much for putting all this information out there for free. In my humble opinion, you are far better at explaining these concepts than other channels that may have more subscribers. Again, thank you.
You're incredible, I feel like I need to watch this at least 3 more times to digest so much wisdom in one video. Thank you so much ❤
Please please make a series/course on healing from anxious attachment. I'm sure everyone is going to absolutely love it!
I would like to state that these videos that you're making has helped to change my life in my relationship not towards only my boyfriend, but also towards my child, my mom and my friends so I want to say thank you I appreciate every single very detailed videos that you're making
Really impressed with your wisdom. Thanks for sharing!
Blown away by the analogy you drew of relating the enduring nature of fasting (from food) as a way to approach emotional needs not getting met in the moment. Wow!
Impulse control!
Unbeliveably grateful to have found your channel. Thank you for all the effort you put into your videos, they've been pivotal to me.
“I’m going to grow the seeds of my life wherever I happen to be planted in this moment.” This was so profound for me, thank you!
As a DA who gets into intimate relationships with more anxious leaning types, I often feel so judged for not understanding or meeting the emotional needs of my partners when they never expressed this expectation of me. Analogy: It's like partners are expecting me to speak a foreign language and then punish, judge, and criticize when I don't speak this foreign language instead of expressing this need clearly and directly. If I do agree to try to meet this need to learn and speak this foreign language, please, can you work with me to find a language class and practice with me at my level? 😢 It's painful otherwise...
Thanks for sharing 😊 how would you prefer your partners to approach you with their needs?
@@ameenahm.8949 First off, hi 😊! I guess I would like a partner to be like, "Emotional availability is really important to me and this is what that looks like....". Im on my way to secure so I know what that looks like generally now but I'm still a bit perplexed. I literally have laughed while others cried not because I'm a psychopath but because I laugh at my own vulnerability. I gaslight myself and minimize my own needs. I've been working overtime in therapy, reading books, watching videos, to learn and grow. Who knew folks actually felt their emotional pain and wanted to connect with others over it... 🤷🏽♀️😊 Really... My ignorance has made relationships very painful. 😕
I read your comment thinking you were a man and saying wow that’s very rare for a DA to even realize this or genuinely care but I just read your name and I see you’re a female. DA men are the worst - almost never get introspective enough to truly care to change . Good for you for trying - that would have meant the world to me as an AP woman with a hopeless DA man child .
I tried doing that with my DA ex. Being clear in the amount of time I wanted to spend together (2-3 evenings a week) and asking what their idea of a relationship was. Long story short, there was no negotiation on the time and no answer about their needs. I decided to end the relationship then.
Hi. I’m an AP guy. Been learning about attachment etc for a year now, and this video has only just made me realise that I can be and why I can be “needy” when triggered. Up until now I didn’t even know that I did desperately NEED anything. I’ve been triggered a couple of times in the last year with DA women I’ve dated and even then, after all I’ve learnt, it’s incredibly hard to access what I need and get the DA to even be bothered to listen to me, let alone explain it. In hat situations I find myself getting critical because it feels like the DA or even FA, isn’t listening, simply because they go silent and don’t use words like ‘ok, I understand’ or ‘i don’t understand’, a don’t try to have entertain a convo about it, because it seems to hurt their heads. So, with that in mind, the only advice I think I can give you, if things are getting heated, is to try to be mindful that the AP is trying to communicate desperately, and just needs someone to show, literally with warm words, that they are being heard. I believe this can probably go both ways. At least that’s how I feel as an AP. Good luck, everyone :)
Ive been working on healing my anxious attachments ove the last 6 weeks. I just found your videos today. Youre way if describing and walking you through is helping me put it into process so well. Thank you!
It does take practice. Just like yoga and meditation. I’m not able to do yoga or meditation for too long currently but I’d like to slowly start practicing on being okay with boredom and slowness of yoga. Eventually it becomes the most beautiful part of my day.
I came here for the relationship advice but came away with a stratergy to use for my eating habits instead. Thankyou!!!!!!!
So brutal but so much insight. Thank you!! Please keep making these videos, you are saving lives.
But how much emotional damage is her brutality doing? This video raised red flags for me. She might want to reflect on why she so often falls into “tough love” mode.
This is the best video I’ve seen on Neediness here on RUclips. And I’ve watched MANY! You articulate in a way that’s easy to digest and understand. I wish my therapist would have explained it to me this way months ago, however I’m very thankful for you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤ Definitely subscribed.
This is one of the few channels where I see sb actually trying to help, rather than clowning for subscribers. Thanks, really.
OMG! Emotional hunger! This provides a context for so much of my behavior. You are a blessing.
You are one of the most insightful and valuable online resources I've ever come across Heidi - this was a fantastic video, very well timed as well and I know more people need to come across this kind of advice. My partner and I love to discuss our relationship as well as our own attachment strategies and we both loved your take i.e. that outsourcing your need meeting is not the only solution to feeling needy, learning to be comfortable with feeling a lack of something is also a healthy strategy for managing that desperate feeling - this is definitely something people need to invest in honing in themselves in the long term to benefit in all those short term moments. Looking forward to the next one!
Thank you. I had an episode of panic attack while on the airplane. Suddenly I thought about relationships abandonment and separation anxieety from my family. I got through from it with the garce of God as I prayed and prayed until my chest becomes relaxed again. As I watched your video, it made a lot of sense and it gave me some good advise. Thank you and I hope to see more videos from you.
whew, this and so many of your other videos are incredibly helpful as I'm going through an awakening around attachment style and it's impact. The way you explain everything has been incredible for me to see the depths of how I shift from anxious to avoidant, depending on the relationship dynamics with the other person. These perspective shifts while reflecting upon past relationships is bringing so much of my imbalances into clarity and helping me to align with how to create the type of relationships I've wished for, but wasn't equipped to create. Thank yoU!!!
Be ok with being a little hungry. If I’m not going to die, then my physical and emotional needs do not need to be to be met at that moment. That was my AHA moment. WOW. Thank you.
Thank you for your thoughtful, thorough videos. Appreciate the topics and the time you put into them. This one is super important. Liberating new way of looking at this.
I’ve already watched this video twice, paused, replayed and picked up something new every time. There’s just so much to unpack in this. It feels like a key moment in my life where finally I can heal from a lifetime of longing for connection and feeling lonely. Thank you for all of your work and videos on anxious attachment. It has answered so many questions and helped me see myself in a new light. I finally have hope.
Thank you so much! Your kind, careful explanations of a lot of my crazy are extremely helpful. Love and light. 💕
What i like about this channel is that it encompases all, men and women. So much great content that helps many for all. ❤
I think this should take into account what the innner child is saying at the time as well and treat her with tenderness. Just saying to myself "no" is another form of non-nurture to the part of us that really is lacking something basic.
She needs something and it feels like an emergency now because she has nothing to work with... Integrated connection withing the inner adult and inner child can help us not self abuse
Just saying stop doing this cycle that's hurtful to you, doesn't address the bodies need for a comforter
I really think this video is thoughtful and well said. I just wanted to add this because that's the part that I often miss with therapists. I can change my mindset all day long but my body doesn't believe me
I should add that this video maybe isn't as much for me personally
I tend to numb out when I have needs, I have a hyperadrenergic disorder so litteraly every emotional threat makes me sick, I cannot process well. That's why the body focused stuff works better for me. It really feels like you touched on this closely, just not so fully into that side ❤
I see this as a fair and balanced comment. I agree that abstinence from a destructive behaviour is not in and of itself going to fix underlying emotional problems. Though I also don’t imagine that’s what I was suggesting in this video, so I’m wondering if I was not articulating the other piece fully enough (which is that presence in moments of intensity can lead us to the underlying more ‘core’ emotions that can in turn inform ways in which we need to restructure our lives and self-relationships overall).
@@heidipriebe1 I think I got that more from.the begining of the video more than the end...
I was told by my first therapist to learn how to tolerate my feelings, but I wasn't actually shown how in a way that I could feel that made sense to me, I was just way too shut down at the time and in the middle of very hard stuff.
I think physical sickness and pain can really get in the way of emotional healing sometimes because that's the body's real emergency in the moment... Drs often suggest therapy as a compliment to pain management but it's not a substitute as it's sometimes treated
@@heidipriebe1seriously though your videos have given me so much better language to make my self more understood by my partner. It's practical.
I love having this chanel to send him because your videos are so thoughtful and well explained
I think emotional tolerance is a very difficult and sort of ‘high level’ skill in the sense of, a lot can get in the way of it. I imagine it can feel frustrating to have it presented as an option in a way that implies it’s simple. It’s really not. And it’s something we could probably collectively use some very grounded education on (I.e. What are the specific, actionable nuts and bolts involved in developing emotional tolerance skills). That’s given me a lot to reflect on, particularly in thinking about future content around the topic. So thank you, for taking the time to give thoughtful and honest feedback (and for also sharing the positives!) 🙏
@@heidipriebe1 your replies also have been very grounded and kind, very appreciated 🌞
Honestly, your videos are a gold mine. I just entered a genuine relationship that’s revealing all these issues that I’ve never realized about myself nor worked on and these vids are so incredibly helpful and insightful. Thank you for helping me understand me and my trauma, as well as teaching me how to learn and grow despite them.
"BUT!" 💁🏻♀️ If the only things I feel for you are compassion, admiration and gratitude... have I yet arrived at what they call Unconditional Love? ;)
Jokes apart, Heidi, you're doing great and important work. Your wisdom, realness and eloquence are spectacular, very inspiring. Shine on you crazy diamond 🧡💥
Secure relationship is not 2 people constantly meeting each others needs......it is 2 people meeting their own needs....finding some explicit agreements abt which needs they r going to meet for each other and being understanding and giving grace when they r not able to meet those needs
I was blocked and ghosted by my intimate partner a year ago, and it absolutely devastated me.
I tried everything. Exercise, yoga, journaling, therapy, Reiki, neurofeedback, meditation, tarot cards, astrology, dating other people, writing. Much more. I tried everything.
The thing that helped me by far the most, was a three day fast.
It was by far the most helpful thing I tried.
If you have been ghosted, or you are having trouble with feeling ignored, I recommend a fast. She's absolutely right. It helps.
Hope things are better for you now. Such a horrible thing to have done to you.
Thank you for that video, i have watched it multiple times already! The biggest take away - what i would do if i never had this person in my life, if he/she was never born? That gives so much positive insights on what I could do/continue/start in my life to feel more fulfilled!! Instead of waiting for someone to take me by the hand and lead to a play ground. I need and am able to get to the playground myself!!
On the other note, shame is truly the heaviest emotion in case of neediness, shame for your own incapability to be an adult, think straight and be less selfish.
You are so real and honest. Thank you!
This is great! I realize now that I was not specific in my needs, not that I knew at the time what those needs were. But also that I am the jealous type, not a swinger.
Wow. Thank you for this video! This was so great! I've always struggled with meeting my own needs and validating myself . Of course I chose an avoidant partner, and it has been a very rocky 12 years. I recently came to learn that many of his avoidance patterns toward me are actually considered abusive. Intermittant reinforcement and gaslighting being the main ones. My problem lies in reconciling the truths in this video of me being an individual who doesn't panic when my emotional needs arent being met and instead learn ways to accept them, meet them myself, or find another way of getting them met. AND coming to a place where I see that this is an unhealthy relationship and no matter how much I am trying to "fix it myself" the patterns are still abusive and I need to get out. It's really hard for me to distinguish between the two. I'm willing to accept my neediness and work on it, but when is that not enough? How can I see what is mine to work on and what is his, that he is just choosing not to give me?? And I'm just trying to get blood from a turnip? Advice anyone..? Thanks🙏
I can relate to this. I've found Alan Robarge's videos very helpful on this kind of topic. About unhealthy relationship dynamics and knowing when it's your stuff and when it's just a situation that won't work for you.
@@Wildmuseportal thank you so much I'll check him out
Heidi I just found your videos (great timing) and it made me realize the work I need to do within myself. I was always alone growing up. My mother and sister were always home (my father at work) but I would be alone in my room with my music and books. As an adult Ive had 2 marriages and now im in a serious relationship but there is a pattern ive realized where there is always something missing with my partners. They never can really meet my neediness. And I realized just recently how extreme my actions are when he doesnt meet my needs. It's like a child screaming to feel seen. Even though that is not the case. Thank you so much for explaining with such great detail. ❤
Spot on, Heidi. Thank you!
Very helpful. In my first serious relationship and this is helping me become a better partner and helping me understand my self. Thanks!
Doesn't this contradict with the idea of expressing needs in a relationship? Where do you see the line here?
Your videos have helped me process so much of the loss of my husband and how I am currently creating these fantasies without integrating fully the loss/void. Thank you 🙏 for helping my self regulate
I have a fear of abandonment. I feel clingy, because I feel alone. How can I feel less alone without that person if I don't have any other person? How do I give my inner child what I'm needing from the other person?
Also, how can I overcome this deeply held belief of not being good enough?
My self-esteem is crippingly low and I find myself approval seeking a lot, which is a problem is relationships.
I do just enough to gain approval, but then stop once I reach an intermediate level, because I fear criticism/evaluation.
In relationships, I'm codependent. Fearful avoidant attachment style. I'm clingy, controlling and critical.
How can I heal, so I can feel less worthless and scared and I can treat others better?
I hear you.
I also have fearful avoidant attachment and have done tons of work.
A huge foundation for healing is regulating the nervous system. Doing things to get the sympathetic system to calm down, is huge.
When we feel like we cannot tolerate intense feelings, we are often in fight/flight.
Unfortunately, we can create what we fear through desperation. Our behaviors can push others away. Desperate energy is a repellent.
Alone is not the problem. Loneliness is. That's a key distinction. Alone merely means by oneself. It is not that, that is the issue. Why? Because solitude is also being alone and is very healthy, and some people relish in it.
Loneliness can happen with, or without others. Loneliness is, at the heart, disconnection. It is disconnection from self first, then with others.
When we cannot sit with ourselves, hold space, tune in, be still, feel our feelings, safely...we are disconnected from ourselves. We then desperately seek for others to fill that, meet that. Unfortunately, we will never feel ok, secure with connecting to others, until we fully can connect with, be with ourselves. We attract others who will be with us at the level we are with ourselves. If we are uncomfortable, restless, avoiding our own presence (by seeking outside, instead of sitting with what's inside), we will attract others who treat us the same.
If we depend on others to completely meet that need, we hand over our power. We are at the mercy of their whims.
When we connect with, become at peace with, accept, ourselves...we are empowered. We won't accept crumbs, because we don't breadcrumb ourselves. We don't accept dismissal, because we don't dismiss ourselves. We don't accept betrayal, because we no longer self betray. We self advocate and know what we want. We no longer feel a need to people please...because we heal that core wound (or in some cases, core wounds) of unworthiness "I'm not good enough". We see our value, we know our worth, we know we have a right to take up space in the world. We don't need to constantly prove and work for it.
You are enough. You can show up for your inner child. Write a list of all the things you needed from your parents. Write a list of all the things you want from others. Then write a list of how you can show up for yourself in ways that honor the things on those lists. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a small child, a sweet animal. The most important part is in the internal automatic negative dialogue. To be mindful of what you are saying to yourself, is very powerful. Often, our internal dialogue is a reflection of the repeated messages we've received from childhood. The cognitive distortions, biases, and "strories" (about ourselves and others) need to be inquired about. Those often contribute to our suffering.
The power of loving oneself, through learning to accept and nurture yourself...is indescribable.
Your life will change immeasurably. You will be ok with being with yourself. You will attract people who show up for you and you will feel connected to the right people.
It takes time, patience, self compassion. It is possible though!
I hope you come back in a few months and are transformed!! I wish you all the best 💛💫
@@Alphacentauri819 wow. I read your comment. It is powerful and beautiful
@@okrathemountain thank you! 💛💫
@@Alphacentauri819thank you so much
@@Alphacentauri819thank you so much
This is fantastic, Heidi-really needed this right now. Truly one of the best resources I have come across-please keeping up this great work!
This was a game changer for me as someone with anxious attachment, especially 12:40 in 🤯 🙏🏻