After watching this, I feel seen for the first time in my life. I also feel so deeply sad for our parents and other generations who didn't get any sort of insight into these sorts of issues and just had to live and deal with them the best way possible without even being able to identify what these issues were.
I don't know to what extent there were attachment styles in the sense that we know them today. I say this because the socialization of parents and children were different.
It's so true that all you get told when you go to someone outside of the rship for support, that you just get told "Dump him" "You're worth more than that" and he is slagged off to high-heaven, when half of the issue is with me. It just makes me completely withdraw, and internalise all of my pain and difficulties. Then I tie myself in knots trying to decipher what the actual truth is of what is going on, rather than what my anxiety is saying it is 😢
It’s incredibly damaging to the good in a relationship when somebody who struggles to talk about feelings, tells “close” friends who don’t actually know them deeply because the fearful avoidant doesn’t open up, a version of a stressful situation in a relationship and then those friends take that as a close-to-truth version. Fearful avoidants don’t like admitting their own misgivings, even very innocent things that cause frustration and stress in partners. Then the partner, who probably gives so much and is actually incredibly supportive, gets slagged off like some kind of terrible person to be avoided at all costs. In truth, the fearful avoidant is just feeding right into the self-sabotage.
@@RichardHodgson-wb9lk nailed it, thank you for expounding on good points the other two in this thread made. In my experience this especially happens in groups of women whenever the man does the slightest thing wrong, wherein wrong is subjective.
@@closethockeyfan5284yes, I found that in order to continue in my marriage I had to extract myself out of most of my female friends. As I couldn't withstand the constant bickering and suggestions to break up with him.
The toll it takes on the partner of a fearful avoidant is also devastating! To have our emotions yo-yoed around like this creates trauma for us too! The on again off again is exhausting and we are always hoping when they come back that it will work “this time”
As somebody who's put another person through that pain. I'm deeply sorry. I'm so sorry for all the back and forth and all the exhausting nights lying awake in anxiety. If it's any help at all to anybody who's been through that pain I just want to say that I'm striving to change, to be better.
It’s been an experience. Secure relationships are God sent. I feel for my ex but in the same - I don’t. She continued to text me and blamed me for not giving her space. I don’t like roller coasters, but I will take a real rollercoaster over an emotional roller coaster. Her lack of self esteem was devastating knowing I couldn’t do anything about it.
Many of us know the pain we cause but we just can't stop 😔 it's very confusing for us too, and often, clarity only comes after the damage has been done
I helped my partner overcome these issues by painting a stable background where she was free to enter or leave whenever she wished and there would be no rejection. Because of this she began responding to therapy, where she found the means to shift her attachment style.
Thank you 🙏🏽 for being a supportive partner for her. I wished I’d found this video before me and my significant other split… I think this is what he needed from me and I didn’t know 😞
I just ended a relationship with a fearful avoidant, and it was incredibly painful. One day we were naming our future children, the next she looked at me with disgust. This video clarified a lot of things for me.
@@popmaria684that’s not how bipolar disorder works. This is very typical behavior for avoidant people- they become overwhelmed by the intimacy and check out of the relationship - even the examples that Heidi gave were similar
Same. I think this video doesn't do enough to highlight the accountability the FA should be taking. The entire video is couched as "here's how to end things permanently with your bad ex" and then in the next breath didcusses how these people routinely end relationships in a panic purely becauss emotional vulnerability was experienced. I think encouraging avoidants to avoid is super harmful.
When you mentioned 'friendships where you bring your full authentic self,' it made me realize that however amazing my current friendships are, I don't see them as deep or intimate or as vulnerable as the romantic relationships I've had, because my 'full authentic self' sometimes included sobbing naked in someone's arms over past trauma (of course I would never do with a friend 😂), or showing anger at a partner (I never show anger at friends), or calling and unloading with no filter all my anxieties about work, school etc (I am really careful about dumping on friends and ask first, etc). I need to do a lot of thinking about this... I tend to be my 'full authentic self' only deep into a romantic relationship and sometimes that self is messy and unregulated and honestly probably hard to take care of....but I assume they won't leave and will nurture those sides of me (wrap me up in a burrito blanket lol) because they've committed and love me.... Whereas with friends, I try really hard not to be a burden because I assume they'll back away if I'm too much or hard to care for or dump negativity. So my friendships tend to be positive and steady and has lasted decades whereas my romantic relationships haven't gone more than a year or two. This is making me wonder, do I need to treat my boyfriends with more of the careful respectful distance I treat friends? Or practice sobbing in front of a friend and sharing deeper things or going to them for comfort on a bad day? .....maybe it's a combo. I def allow myself to get to very vulnerable, very deep states with partners and then ask for a lot of soothing there. But if I was on the opposite end of this role, I would find it exhausting. Hmm lots to think about. I feel shame about this topic and vulnerable even sharing this...but thanks for creating a space to share and to anyone reading this for listening!
I TOTALLY recommend you read "You are the one you've been waiting for" which is a book about Internal Family Systems and how it connects to intimate relationships. I think it'll help with your situation a lot. It's helped me IMMENSELY!!!!
This perfectly describes my life too. Amazing stable long term friends (20yrs+), and 1-2 year romantic relationships (I've had a lot) where I'm all over the place...it's comforting to know I am not alone, you are definitely not alone in this. I hope we all find the answers and healing we need
Thank you. I ended a relationship with a girl who behaved this way. Hardest thing I ever did, her compartmentalising is painful to watch. To see someone choose to be absent, to feel like you don’t care and they have this super power where they can leave with no issues. Was all to much for me to bear anymore. Be kind to people everyone.
I dont think we choose to be absent. Everytime we are pressured or feel cornered we withdraw. Until we can get ourselves together and see how we are going to address the ultimatums we are giving. When I left or withdrew it was because I would shut down it takes so much energy to pretend everything is okay and go through the motions when in reality I was scared to death, I was scared to trust, to love to be my real self. I wish people would understand that when we decide to love we love with no conditions it just take a lot of time to get to the point. A lot of people don't have it in them to rock with me at my worst.
@@alexblazin5478 Saying you don't have a choice is avoiding accountability, which is typical but it's false. You definitely have a choice, you just allow your triggers to control your choices instead of leading them in wise mind. You have free will - you are in control on the choices you make at all times.
Heidi: Don't try to be friends with your exs! Me: Ok, but what if they broke up with you and you don't understand why and they're the only ones who can answer the questions you have so you can resolve and heal your preoccupied trauma? Later in the video: Heidi: Avoid the belief that the person that hurt you is the only person who can help you heal. Me: GOD DAMN IT!
Lol, maybe you're serious but this made me laugh! Would it be safe to assume that if you're the fearful-avoidant type, you might have been also fearfully avoiding analyzing the things that went wrong in the relationship on your own? My ex was probably fearful-avoidant. He told me that he liked me when we barely knew each other and after spending time getting to know him and reciprocating his feelings, he started back peddling saying he didn't believe in titles like "boyfriend and girlfriend" and that he wanted to think of us as balls of energy with no bodies. Then he was comfortable enough to say he loved me probably to make up for all the confusion but it was too early in the relationship. I am the anxious type so I quickly got attached to those words which scared him and he was very often hard to reach especially when I needed him the most. We'd attend a language exchange meet-up together and he'd want us to join separate groups but got mad if I talked to another guy in my group. I once brought sushi for us to eat after the meet-up ended, but he went home without speaking to me so I had to eat it by myself. When he said he wanted space I gave him his space but he'd also complain that he didn't think I cared enough and that was his excuse for dating a friend of mine. I couldn't make head nor tail of him but that was when he was still in his mid to late 20s. I thought for sure that he had forgotten about me after 5 years but he apparently wanted to get married which was probably supposed to fix the problem but instead I lost it and blocked him. I'm sure he's changed a lot since then because he did eventually get married after I cut ties with him. He may not have analyzed what went wrong, but I think there's hope especially if you never did anything that bad. ^_^ And it shouldn't be as complicated to figure out what went wrong.
Finally a video with practical tips for healing fearful avoidant patterning. I’ve seen myself in these rollercoaster relationships but haven’t really understood the dynamic. Hated myself for running back to critical partners like my alcoholic father was. You’re so right- idk how to set boundaries I need & still feel secure or close in a relationship. I allow too much & eventually snap. Thank you for real world ideas that I can start using to break the cycles!
"Until you like yourself enough to accept that you're a human being who needs care, support, comfort..." I have never heard the more precise description of what's going on with me and what changes I'm going through.
11:07 It's sooooooo true!!!! It explains so much! We weren't allowed boundaries as children, so now we think the only way to get boundaries is to completely escape the whole relationship!
havent gotten far into vid yet but this comment hit home. i def had that setup. i do on/off with socializing on the whole. people do stuff that's triggering, i take it as long as i can then i shut down and back away as the only way to make it STOP (i.e. weird sort of boundaries? i guess that would be more like the lack thereof, and trying to make one thru pure distance/avoidance.)
Being a fearful avoidant is rough, such messed-up childhoods. I feel like there needs to be C-PTSD support groups like they have for AA etc. I see, hear and validate you all, my comrades in trauma. 💜
I have CPTSD and go to ACA(adult children of alcoholics) meetings instead of AA. Quite a few people there have CPTSD. That group has helped me a lot. The 12 steps are somewhat adapted from AA to ACA in most groups including mine. They are still flawed imo but still helpful although i wish we used the 12 remade steps from the ACA founder explained here, ruclips.net/video/LnwoilL0q9E/видео.html there is also a loving parent guidebook which is ACA litterature and the ACA fellowship text(Big Red book) is also very good.
I really feel so sad for fearful avoidant people, it must be so terrible to live like that, but it's also just as tough being on the receiving end, always getting your heart broken by the same person, and never really know why, and I'm someone who will take that person back over and over again in hopes that, maybe this time... I myself have an anxious attachment style, so I stay attached for so long. I wish it was easy for all of us who struggle with insecure attachments to heal our childhood "trauma" but it's so difficult and at times feels completely impossible, no matter how many articles you read or videos you watch. It's really so sad. And not everyone can afford therapy.
I totally get being on the receiving end. I have secure attachment. ( However, struggle with anxiety starting after having children.) Married 23 years and wish so much this was easier. It leaves me heartbroken over and over. I don't know when to throw in the towel on someone I care so much for. I truly want nothing but for him to be happy and whole. With or without me.
I used to feel heartbroken for the longest time. I only managed to heal this , now I say only as if it's nothing lol but it took years and that was making sure ai keep good healthy and ongoing relationship with friends, family, my neighborhood, people in general, making sure I work at a job I like and have great relationship with boss and colleges, make sure I m happy with my body, my home, make sure every aspect of my life is in order, and I take care of me. Also ofc I reprogrammed subconscious mind. I'm ok, others are ok. We're all ok and life is to be accepted and enjoyed just a it is basically and not as ai want it through control ;) I was broken up with not so long ago, someone I love very much, but to my surprise, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I used to feel. This healing stuff really works.
I don't feel bad for those demons they need to be single forever and the people they hurt need life time of love it's wrong to say you love someone and randomly leave them that's a choice
Heidi's talk is OK, but she never acknowledges the devastation they perpetrate. My Primary question to the Avoidants is: Do you want to continue a style that sends so many hearts into the dumpster?
I don’t think I care if you see this comment or not, but I seriously and wholeheartedly think that this video is saving my life, my sanity, my personhood. Thank you. I have never felt more seen in my entire life. You may be saving the only positive relationship I have experienced thus far, and I am crying but in a good way. Thank you.
Did no contact for pretty much the first time with my last break up. It was fucking horrendously painful and I longed for him and missed him so much, then...started to read about attachment trauma, codependence, enmeshment etc..and watched a ton of stuff on RUclips (so thankful for such amazing stuff to watch) and realised how traumatised I was and the patterns of my relating. SO painful to process all this and grieve. Fast forward 6 months and I now have no idea what I saw in him! He was totally emotionally unavailable (as was/ am I by having largely unhealed cptsd) and actually pretty mean to me. I'm FA leaning anxious and he was the most DA person I've ever met. Terrible combination. Committed to myself now and learning to relate in healthy ways. No more crumbs from myself or others!
@@dovahduck about 3 months post break-up I contacted him to say I was open to a friendship whenever if he was and left it with him. I thought I meant it at the time. By the time he got in touch a couple of months later I was too far into the trauma research to think it was remotely a good idea! He was pretty enthusiastic with replying to emails, that's all he ever was enthusiastic about anyway, but I just felt no desire to keep in contact, it felt too uncomfortable. I saw how there was zero connection between us, he had no ability to relate on a personal level, was gossipy and mean about literally everyone and I had no idea what I'd previously seen, other than just fantasy. His avoidant ways were really off-putting rather than appealing. I have no idea if he was harbouring any desire to rekindle anything but I didn't wait around to find out. Didn't reply to his last email and there's been nothing since. Thank god he didn't get in touch when I initially offered friendship or I may have got sucked back into something totally wrong for me!
On top of all that, I feel that because we aren’t able to set boundaries and speak on our feelings is because we don’t want to add on to our trauma. So we continue to be fearful avoidant. It’s so hard to ask for what I need in relationships because it’s like I’m allowing the relationship to go wrong so I have a legitimate reason to go back into hermit mode and not really have to deal with things.
I've tried to explain this a thousand times: asking for what I need and facing the possibility of hearing a clear "no" is a thousand times scarier than just pretending I don't have needs at all. At least by staying silent, I can numb and distract myself from the pain of not having my needs met instead of looking the pain in the eye.
@@MildExplosionadditionally, sometimes stating my needs feels like a waste of time because I don’t want the other person to change. Instead I’d rather find someone I’m already compatible with
@ld921 what kind of response is this? You're reacting negatively to someone who says they struggle with expressing themselves because of exact reactions like this. If you want the FA in your life to be honest then have more compassion
Laying in my bed crying right now. Your videos have cured my lifelong confusion, shame and fear in the few months I’ve been watching you. It hurts so much unpacking this trauma but you make it so much easier to deal with. You are an ANGEL!! Thank you!
This is the best summary of a fearful-avoidant. I’ve struggled relating with many videos describing this attachment style. Heidi, you hit the nail on the head… I tend to favor my autonomy/single hood more than you described, but I do wish to find connection, without enmeshment or being controlled. Finding someone I can trust with being vulnerable is scary because it simultaneously feels so good and so dangerous.
i feel this on a super deep level. yeah, trust is hard to give, because it can so easily be broken. i think a lot of people don't see it as too important and so breaking trust doesn't mean the same thing to them. plus the plague of anti-empathy that's been rolling around quite a few years now.... so it's like.... you want connection, but you also don't want to get brutalized. part of it is reading the relevant red flags and avoiding people that *should* be avoided. toxic stuuuuuuuuuff. for one, those encounters set ya way back.
I feel like I was turned into a fearful avoidant by a series of bad relationships as a teenager/young adult. I used to be solid as a rock in relationships, but slowly transitioned into the on again off again pattern. And now I can't even get to the point of being on anymore. I love the flirting, early stages. But as soon as my feelings are reciprocated in a way that seems very real, I do a 180 seemingly against my will. And the argument can't even be made that I'm just interested in sex, because I don't even get that far. Sometimes I don't even make it to a first kiss....
Totally feel you.all the excitement of flirting of knowing somebody new.expecting things to be dofferent this time .plus the mystery...once u start to where shit is going u like NEEH
Well, you make it further than I do... At this point, I'm blocking people as soon as I start to have any kind of feelings for them 😂 we're not even getting to the flirting stages. If I get even the tiniest whisper of a crush on you, you're dead to me lol. I spent my entire 20s in back to back long term relationships. I only got to know my anxious side. Now that I've been single for almost 3 years, I've come to associate any kind of attraction with "something is wrong with me, only unhealed people feel attracted to other people" 🫠 of course I can't control who I'm attracted to, but I can control how much I'm around them.
My ex was fearful avoidant, but its like he was able to vomit feelings to his friends and family but NOT his lover. The relationship was conflict free but mostly because he was avoiding telling me his needs.
I'm the opposite. I vomit all my problems in other relationships to my husband and then put on a mask with others because I'm afraid of how they'll react. What's funny is the people I feel unsafe with are people I don't even like (the ones that remind me of my mother and other caregivers). Then people I do feel safe with, I can tell my boundaries to.
I was in a relationship with a person like this. One heck of a painful rollercoaster. I cared a lot for the person, but eventually had to just walk away.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 Sorry, Sabio. :( But, there's hope. There are about 3.5 billion other choices out there many of which would love to be with you. :)
@@sabiofilosofo1306 I feel your pain brother I’ve been there as well just recently but it’s about knowing the world keeps moving. We have to continue forward.
Im in the process of walking away from a relationship with a person like this. The chemistry was out of this world, we had our fair share of issues and we tried to work it out. But after more time passes by, the more distant and defensive she acts towards me constantly. I ended up always feeling like shit because every time I speak my mind or try to set boundaries with her, or just to even try and have a mature conversation about our relationship, I will always be at fault. There's never a middle ground, it's just constant blaming of each other. And she asked for time and space again and again and again. Until I hit a wall, and I realized that this is not healthy for me. I love her so much and still do and I tried to accommodate this pattern of behavior and be a safe space to her, hoping she would realize that this is not healthy to grow our relationship. But man, I was sacrificing my own sanity (I also have abandonment and attachment issues that I am working on, so it is very very painful for me to experience people whom I love, is distancing themselves away from me.) It still hurts like hell, I'm taking it one day at a time but good Lord... I feel so worthless from time to time man.
@@raynaldiinaray6691 how long was the relationship if you don’t mind me asking also you deserve much better than to be a punching bag from someone who doesn’t love you back the way you love treat yourself first before anyone else from this point on!
Yeah I feel bad. I am FA and I was friends with another FA and it was hell. We would pull each other in either direction of anxious and avoidant and it was toxic.
I like what Heide said about learning to like yourself. Key for me with working to remedy thus pattern of my behavior was learning to love myself and showing up as my own best friend. I'm an accepting, loving and supportive friend to others and now I provide it for me. And going through a breakup suddenly from an FA pulling away at the heights of love and connection emerging I feel all the pain I've caused to others and have to be willing to forgive myself for the grief I've caused others. I now can feel how terrible it is.
What I can tell you is, the person that is left behind can be much more than heart broken. Wish I had understood better the pain my best friend was going through, it could have been life changing for both of us. No contact is a very hard, painfull way of ending what you think of as a long term, beautiful loving relationship.
That’s what I’m missing from her videos: The empathy for the people that are hurt by this behavior. Sure the FA is hurting but the destruction that they leave behind is immense. I myself am not securely attached and I feel a lot of shame for all the hurt I’ve caused because of it to the point where I hesitate to start new relationships.
I'm never ready to go no contact with my partners when the relationship is ending regardless of if I'm kind of the one ending it or not. Once I love someone, I love them forever for the most part. I have built friendships to try to balance my emotional needs, and not solely rely on my partner - but then I fall so in love, or I want to be with that person so much it's hard to maintain other relationships.
I always thought remaining friends with former partners was a sign of maturity but truthfully it is just fear of letting them go completely…! I definitely relate to anxiety IN the relationship. Thank you, Heidi ❤
honestly it depends on the situation and how it ended. making sure you remain friends even after a toxic relationship is not it, but if you stopped dating after finding out you're just not a match for each other beyond friendship then why the hell not ?
Wow! I do have friendships, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had friends who were emotionally intelligent when it comes to romantic relationships. I am working on expanding my circle to include people who are not just totally traumatized by their families and unable to form healthy partnerships.
Oh Heidi!!! My ex partner and I watched this video and decided it would be best to try out the 6 months to a year no contact healing journey. We may end up realizing we arent good for each other during that time .. 1 month in and I can feel myself swinging all over the place emotionally. Some days I feel hyper independent, some days I feel like Im drowning in numbing out activities and sometimes I unblock them and hover over the *send* button to a "lets just call this off" text. But im trusting the process. Trusting that being able to show up with boundaries and a community on my side who deeply loves and supports me, will help me find answers for the me who searches for external influences to calm the inner storm. This video changed a lot for me. And Im ready to take my relationship's seriously. Ugh its so hard though lolol the inner drama in LOUD
But aren't you afraid they will find someone else? OR maybe you will. I would be in constant anxiety thinking they might be dating someone else and it all goes to sh*t. Getting back together after deciding to do this together and finding out he slept or dated other people would kinda break my heart.
Honestly the more time goes by the less anxiety I feel about what they are doing. I miss them a lot, but I hope they are developing meaningful relationships to themself and those around them. I wouldnt be upset if they slipped and sought out external reassurance. I feel like in healing, it's important to realize there ARE other options that are healthy out there too. But it's the devoting yourself to coming back to the journey that I am personally hoping for. I did not take time needing for the end result for us to be healthy and better. But for us to both come out on the other side stronger and more in touch with ourselves. You have to be willing to face what comes up on the other side of the unknown. This journey has been helpful to me in choosing me, that is all I choose to focus on. Whats meant for me will align with my secure self esteem and strong boundaries
Still no contact! I can still deeply feel my cycles of activation and deactivation in my thoughts towards them, which I cannot lie stresses me out. Like some weeks I am so excited about my growth and hopeful for our potential future, and some days Im so upset with them for how the relationship went and swear they are dead to me. (I assume that is a part of healing lol) But I am also able to witness how I activate and deactivate in other areas of my life, like with work, family, friends.. in ways ive never seen before! Which ultimately feels like the goal right. To be able to develop skills of security in all areas of my life? It's nice to not be so consumed by relationship chaos, but I still think of them heavily every day. I have also noticed a layer of grieving come up for old relationships I never faced the discomfort of. Ultimately I feel so much stronger as an individual as I have more respect for my ability to set boundaries and communicate in difficult situations.. but not projecting my insecurities on anyone else and having to face it all without romantic comfort is so uncomfortable. I hope they are navigating the no contact with so much curiosity and love for themself, they deserve the inner peace
Even though I have probably the most difficult moment ever and still a lot to heal, I'm so proud of my self right now, seeing how couple years passed and that pattern doesn't apply to my life anymore. I can resist urges like that and my relationships are for sure better and more authentic than ever, also the romantic one.
@@FizaHaque yeah, I broke up with my partner, we're on good terms and I try to let it go. I'm not going to just jump right back in from the volatile place, it's time to take care of me. 💚💜
I was looking for content regarding this topic because I’m in a push and pull situationship with someone, and I wanted to learn something about them. It turned out it was me all the time :( I would’ve never guessed this. I honestly feel rejected often, even though I’m not being clearly rejected by anyone, but my extreme fear of rejection and abandonment makes me want to avoid the contact with the other person. I now want to apologize to every ex I have 😢
i feel this socially. fear of rejection gets high or triggered in various ways or keeps getting pinged, and eventually i reach a max of what i can deal with and back the f up.
yeah, i lost my best friend/wife then after I met a great gal but kept pushing away, finding reasons to break it off until there were actual reasons. Think i did it like 5 times, i think i feel love for her but i cant do it. ill be a monk now
It's me, I'm the problem, it's me! Same. I also struggle with ADHD and rejection sensitivity disorder. The fear of rejection makes me crippled. In physical pain of the fear.
I went through this a lot. She’s right. Had a lot of neglect as a child from my parents and siblings. You or I can’t victimize ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves, others , focus on who we wan to be and for the next relationship, explain to them that real love is going through the storm , not around it.
I haven't heard anybody talk about the difficulty in finding people who understand the unique and challenging life path of someone with this style. Thank you for speaking to and validating this aspect.
I wish my Fearful-Avoidant Ex would watch this video and actually try to do the work to get back to where she could be a stable partner. Thank you Heidi, I appreciate you.
Would it backfire to send an avoidant, that doesn't realize they're an avoidant, one of these videos?? Would it be a relief of understanding why things are the way they are for them? Or would it makes them feel worse about themselves? Or offended? 😔 I just want to help.
@@jessicar5314 general rule of thumb is that sending self-help resources to people uninvited is bad. Even if you do it from a place of genuine kindness and loving support, if they don't want it it'll feel controlling or manipulative. You can't heal other people, you can only ever help them heal themselves
@jessicar5314 probably both in some ways? Depends on the person, personally how I got to know I am a fearful avoidant was because my best friend was calling me out for being avoidant and actually saying how much it hurt her feelings. I think maybe telling them how it makes you feel and give them the space to kinda explore it themself? Or kinda hint towards that. A lot of times (personally) I never directly got to hear how much I hurt the other person and that they wanted me to share stuff with them, I always thought they didn't want to have anything to do with me. So just be open and honest about how you feel.
I love this , especially the google doc recommendation. Whats been working for me is writing out my feelings , uncensored, for 12 minutes and then burning it. During the writing process , im purging everything I feel , my anger , my sorrow , grief , my anxiety , my yearning, my shame & .. even my expectations for the person… sometimes , memories. Im giving myself closure. Rule of thumb : I don’t re-read it & I don’t focus on writing neatly … and i watch it burn . After this , i feel better . And i repeat it as many times as necessary for me to move past the moment. It’s emotionally vomiting and it feels better to get it out. Its been a few weeks since the breakup and I can’t even find the words to tell my friends … but this is helping me so much
Without probably knowing it, you are executing one of the most researched methods of healing journaling! I just heard about it on hubermans podcast. Literally, just write for 15 minutes without taking pen off the paper, no need for writing neatly or rereading it. Great coping and healing tool!
This is it. I've never felt more seen or had a clearer picture of my exact behaviors than in your video. I am going through this now after going "No Contact" for 10 months and find myself triggered, abandonment wounds showing up. I fully know I selfishly want to apologize to him to absolve myself from the shame of knowing I hurt someone I love. Even though I know it's a bad idea and we should not be together. Working on forgiving myself. Just feels so sad not having this person in my life.
Why do you think it’s selfish- to apologize? Working on the same issue. 1 year and 2 months here, but he’s hurt me a lot. And still hard to forgive myself for running after him, when he gave me breadcrumbs…
I hope all you guys reached out to your ex and apologized. Not in a sense of giving them hope but if accountability for your insecure attachment and what it caused.
@@resueah7257 I was at this exact same situation.. move on drop everything and LEAVE. the questions, what ifs and whys even ur love for him drop everything and set yourself free. A DA will never apologize or care for closure or to clear things out. I did it and I disappeared he thought I would never but I did. left him playing on his own.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 wow that is exactly how I behaved; cornered, trying to escape, feeling engulfed, to the point of meanness. I do not want to behave that way in future relationships and I am actively going to therapy, reading books, and even trying out Crappy Childhood Fairy CPTSD practices and also not dating. The biggest take away is that I need to forgive myself and take healing trauma slowly. I don't want to get back together with my ex and I decided if we ever run into each other I will apologize then but I am not going to reach out since he was very attached to me and I may honestly hurt more or he could be fully over it and I don't want to "raise the dead" so to speak.
Wowwwwww. I’ve been studying about being an FA for about a year now, and this just taught me so much I hadn’t realized - including running back to the same people who hurt me to feel better. I couldn’t figure out why I was doing that, I felt like an abused dog running back to its owner and unable to control myself. I’ve literally used that exact analogy to explain it before. Thank you so much for all this insight!
This helped me to understand a relationship I just experienced. I was so hurt and confused when they ended it abruptly. Watching this helped me feel compassion for them instead of anger, which was not serving me in moving on. Thank you Heidi for helping us all.
Someone who ends up a relationship abruptly is disregulated. We can only feel anger when we're disregulated ourselves. Which is fine. It's then a process to recognise it and regulate again. Then compassion happens.
I’m a recovering fearful avoidant, I leave relationships or put up walls from fear of being rejected by the people I love or when I have failed or have a sense that I let them down. I’m so hard on myself I’m convinced they are better off not dealing with me. I’m learning to deal with my flaws and become better for me and my very loving and patient partner. All I can do is be the best person I thrive to become, learn to trust and forgive myself.
great that you are making a recovery! my partner and I went though this together. we had a therapist who explained to us about "inner child work" and how to achieve a "reconnection". the treatment went in stages, finishing with her shift in attachment style. after this we became an ordinary couple, and blissfully happy. Best wishes for your recovery!
In the most respectful way possible, stay away from relationships until you can break the habit of mistreating or neglecting your partners. It’s not fun dealing with Fearful-Avoidant BS.
@@saintultra2737 my partners therapy involved her stepping back from the relationship and facing her own inner needs, but to do this she needed to feel secure in a relationship to give her the courage to turn around and look inwardly. on top of this she had neurological issues - curing the BPD didn't cure her behaviour entirely, but it did make it more manageable and stopped her going into a downward spiral. in her case the behaviour was a contributing factor to the psychological disturbance. we had the advantage of having been extremely close throughout our childhood and whilst we grew up so there was no need to break the ice, and we had several attempts at a relationship before finally settling down aged about 50.
@@saintultra2737 don’t worry we broke up on new years. Currently working on myself. I miss them but I’m to much at the moment. I’m learning and I’m realizing my flaws.
bs? no need to be dismissive. You are an adult and chose to stay in a relationship with a FA. If you notice things dont work out, its your responsibility to say NO and take care of yourself. Relationships are interactions between two people 🥴
Wow, I used to think I was anxiously attached. But I now see I’ve swung to the other end of the spectrum because this is what I’ve been going through. Thank you so much for this insightful video. I was thinking I needed to break up with my partner because I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed. But I’m truly lacking the proper boundaries.
That six month timeline was a game changer for me. It was really eye opening trying that for the first time and realing how much I normally numbed out.
I have been married to a fearful avoidant man for 27 years. I am traumatized! The cycles made me feel crazy. We didn’t know what was going on and both say it is tragic. I never understood the closeness then the rejection. I have heard him say things about losing himself and didn’t understand why he felt that my “normal” need for closeness would make him feel like I was going to take him over! Ugh
I get it and I would explain if it helps. FA are kinda enmeshed in relationships like they will lot of times agree with your perspective and thoughts and your way of doing things kinda like they have to keep their thoughts opinions perspective hidden and go along with yours when with you which makes them feel like they are losing themselves in that relationship So they don’t take space in relationships; they don’t disagree; they don’t bring up their need if it is clashing with yours ; they don’t share they thoughts and perspectives that are different from their partner which makes them feel like they are losing themselves and the only time they experience their full authentic self is when they are alone. So when they are overwhelmed with everything in relationship revolving around their partner they takes space and experience themselves. Well it’s still not fair to their partner because their partners never said they can’t disagree or be different than their partners or they can’t take create space for their thoughts feelings opinions perspectives in that relationship. Their partner might not even know that they are holding back so much which their partner never asked for. Personally in my childhood my mum wasn’t a safe space for me to bring my differences it was kinda enmeshed codependent relationship and that’s how it worked so we learn to do not have enough space for differences and I kinda stuff my side in and letting her side out mostly that’s how it worked. I am learning every day as i am more self aware. It was never your fault and your need for closeness wasn’t too much and i am sorry that you have been at the receiving end of being with a FA. FA if not self aware might not even know that a relationship has space for both you to bring your authentic selves and the way it worked in childhood is not how it’s supposed to be and they don’t have to hide themselves in their relationship for it to work. They might not even know. Still i am sorry and those in and out cycles is again not your fault.
I’m experiencing unfathomable PTSD after 5 break ups in 8 months with a Disorganized Fearful Avoidant. Thank you Heidi. Your honest humility is healing.
It's been 2.5yrs trying to get over an ex-situationship. My longest length going no contact was 9mths and here I am again feeling all these emotions because I saw him a week ago...and today is his bday, the only thing keeping me from reaching out is knowing how hurtful my on-off again behavior actually is and I'm not capable of being a genuine friend. Thank you for these videos they're very comforting, insightful, and help keep me accountable.
We broke up recently (again), I felt like he betrayed me so I blocked him. I was fine until a month after the breakup, when I started really feeling sad but no one to talk to. I have a friend but I am not able to tell them how I really feel. It’s just very difficult to cry in front of anyone. So I do get the urge to call my ex but I always wait until he’s the one calling me. And once he does call, I go back. But not this time, because I watched this video and finally understand why I’m willing to take him back even though he’s not what I deserve. It’s my inner child patterns. Thank you ❤ Would love a video on how to open up to a friend or how to be vulnerable. Why it’s so hard to cry in front of others but we do it when we’re alone.
Great video. Thanks. As a 40+ male I've pretty much never "ended" a relationship with a woman because men have a much more difficult time getting intimacy. However I have VERY VERY OFTEN felt like I'm being smothered and I'm losing my autonomy in relationships and withdrawn to the point where the women break up with me. Sort of like "Quiet Quitting". The demands on my personal time become too great for me to deal with. I just want to be alone and do my hobbies and I feel enormous resentment at the constant demands on my time so I just sort of pull back. THis eventually makes the woman mad and she breaks up with me. The worst part is that this causes me great distress because I didn't actually want the relationship to end. I just wanted more boundaries but I felt (or in my head I KNEW) that asking for boundaries/more free time, etc would make the woman mad and she would break up with me anyway.
Then I of course push to remain friends with the woman and then one of two things happens: We start sleeping together again and get back together...causing a repeat of the above pattern and making that woman despise me forever. Or 2 - She rebuffs my attempts to sleep with her again and/or dates other men which hurts me emotionally, again, and I get really mad and cut her off despise the fact that I totally did this to myself.
@@classreductionistYou are basically my fiance. He's doing all of that, acting like I'm smothering him when I merely want a hug or kiss and to feel connected. He acts like he hates me right now. I don't know wtf to do to fix this, it's maddening. I just want to feel like we're on the same page and connect but because of this, in his head he decided I'm the enemy.
@lindsay3793 as someone who is exactly like the other guy and is currently trying to heal and become a more in touch with my true self person. The only thing you can do is bring to light that you are aware of their patterns and that you want sit and talk about what's going on in their head so you can have a better understanding of them. They will fight you and kick and scream that nothing is wrong and that you're just overreacting to him(might even say some really hurtful words). But stay firm on the fact that you want to be there for them and you don't want to see them going down a dark path. But also say that you are not going to sacrifice your boundaries to keep them in this push/pull cycle. With being an FA we have this idea that you're going to leave us so why don't we just push you away now so we can feel like "you didn't fire me I quit". And then we will appear again in your life looking for you to be our safe place again when times are rough. I hope this helps you and I hope you have a great day!
You said you felt that if you mentioned boundaries that they would dump you anyway. So then you didn't actually communicate that? So you withdrew and left them with the emotional distance?
@@54Shadowolf Thanks for your reply, sorry I didn't see it sooner. He discarded me, broke off our engagement, said all sorts of unnecessary, undeserved hateful things to me. I had to move back in with my parents 😱 All I can do is give him the break up... And suffer. I'm effing crushed. Cannot stop obsessing about him (not that I would let him know that). I didn't do anything crazy, didn't blow up his phone, just went away. I am hurting so bad. 💔💀
This video made me feel so understood! I have thought I must be asexual yet I am attracted to people, maybe some weird stranger kink yet I have horrible social anxiety, maybe just a flat out narcissist who love bombs and leaves people in the dust when convenient yet I deeply care about my kids and loved ones. No explanation ever fully encompassed my behavior with men. I was just going over with my sponsor that I feel actual DISGUST once I get close to a guy I am dating and I don't know what's wrong with me. Thank you SOOOOO SO much for this video, it finally described me perfectly when nothing else made sense
My ex who was a complete avoidant studied psychology in college yet still believed whole heartedly that she was secure. That she had no issues, I was the only one that had major issues.. even someone saying that goes to show the amount of self awareness they have .. what to do if someone you care about doesn’t even accept they need to grow, if they believe they’ve already done their growing. She was sooo defensive and always spoke from a place of ego, she had the potential to spread kindness but due to her ego, she hurt me A LOT. There was a lot of making me question my sanity. She even said “i have dementia”. She was hypocritical, she would bring up that one thing I did years ago that “completely shattered” her trust but when I try to reference something that hurt me last week that she did, she would say it’s in the past. It was an absolutely exhausting relationship. I developed panic attacks and would have vivid nightmares every night. and i was in denial for most of it as I’m anxious attachment style.. i bawled and considered even ending my life after she broke up with me over text after 4 years with nothing for me to hold on to, no explanation, no “let’s talk it in person”. I moved on for the most part in 6 days thanks to my amazing circle of faithful friends who I had isolated myself from while in a relationship. But they came through for me, reminding me I wasn’t too much, I wasn’t a burden, I wasn’t terrible like she always made me feel..
just fyi, there are good people who enter that field, but it also pulls in a ton of disordered people. i'm into psychology but decided not to pursue the field. my ex also is interested, and later did, but full blown borderline personality disorder (and suspected narcissistic PD.).... she shared a lot of the things you describe here about your ex. it sounds like she might have had one or both of those as the traits are SUPER common. gaslighting, conflict *escalation* instead of resolution, the appearing lack of self awareness, hypocrisy. what you went through is one of the hardest thing a person CAN go through in a relationship. it's shattering. you probably still carry trauma from it. hell, a mutual friend of ours who is now solely my good friend, even 10yrs later is some ptsd. it's just.... a lot. all of it. something you may find helpful is the reddit threads for partners of BPD or Narcs.... people relay experiences they are currently in or ones they HAD been in. seeing that you aren't alone, understanding it's NOT you, it's them, and will happen to whomever they are close to.... it can give you perspective. it all makes perfect sense when you realize there might be specific disorders involved and you can stop "making sense of it" by blaming yourself.
@@lurklingX Not at all meant as an offense, but this reply itself sounds like it came from a place of ego. The original comment is focused on how horrid the ex was - whether or not the ex had mental issues is beside the point because even IF she didn't have mental issues she'd still have been acting like a manipulative ass. Because those with neurotypical brains and non-traumatic childhoods can behave like assholes either way. In addition, those who consistently work on themselves despite mental issues have far greater potential to be secure rather than those who condemn anyone with mental issues solely for not having been born into a safe childhood/having a neurotypical brain. There is a false idea that having mental issues cannot be recovered from nor can said people be reasonable. This idea makes it difficult for people with mental issues to find resources that would help subdue any disordered patterns of cognition, due to the world at large believing that they're a hopeless cause. It can be a cycle that leads to harm for any side involved.
@@pugjuice8462 sounds more like you just got triggered. you also read a lot into what i was saying. anyone who works on themselves will be stronger. and yes, neurotypical AND not can both act like @ssholes. i also find it hilarious you are making assumptions as to whether i am neurotypical or not. (i'm not) i won't apologize for mentioning mental illness as a potential factor to be cognizant of, as i think it plays part in a greater number of relationships than people realize. that's not a condemning of people with mental issues - which is how you seemed to take it and why i said you seemed triggered. perhaps you are unaware of the absolute AGONY of being in a relationship with untreated mental illness and everything gets chaotic and nonsensical and you are constantly second-guessing yourself or being gaslit? so whatever. ego? pfft. i think some of these rships can actually be saved, with awareness, treatment, therapy. and awareness and therapy would be great for EVERYONE. but go ahead and create a narrative about me to suit yourself, i guess. 🤷
@@lurklingX People with any diagnosis are really different, please don't put a stigma on a diagnosis. those who decides to search for help are already pretty aware people that care for themselves and others. it doesn't help to stigmatize things. toxic people are unaware people that don't care, I know people with BPD who really work on themselves.
28:11 I'm so happy for you, Heidi, that you've made it and you're in so much better place!🥰I feel proud for all your progress - I'm sure that was quite a journey for you! Thank you so much for sharing what you've learned - it helps us tremendously and you're doing an excellent job! 👌♥
Heidi, that part at the end about how you are able to talk about this on a RUclips channel now and about how it will feel like going through hell... wow. Thank you thank you thank you for doing this 🩷
This sucks cause you dont really know you have issues until you're in a relationship that exposes that you do! I just want to be happy. Learing and seeking therapy.😪
This is how I relate in relationships with men. I can be vulnerable with friends no problem. When I start to date a man it's like my brain becomes scrambled and I'm hijacked by intense anxiety attacks, need to end the relationship. Boundaries are difficult as I feel once I've agreed to something there no way back then I'm trapped and I'm climbing the walls with anxiety, can't sleep/ eat and the only way to cope is end the relationship. Yes there's been trauma not awful longterm, I guess enough to have developed these coping strategies which are anything but! In therapy I would say I don't know how to be in a relationship. I have had one very important longterm relationship with an older man who passed away, it was very intense and passionate on both sides, very calm no drama , never felt overwhelmed or trapped. Safe loved, taken care, affection, physically tactile. Since his death when I like a man is available, i don't know what to do with his compliments, interest it feels too much. Yet I feel lonely and do feel incredibly upset emotionally and grieve each time another relationship ends. 😔
I am going through this, I just recently felt well and solid on my own and then a relationship showed up and I feel these things and like some one just stuck a straw in me and sucked all the work I’ve done for myself back out. It’s very disregulating and the worst time of year for my mental health to manage more things well. Your comment was very relatable I feel unable to talk about it because other people assume it’s great. And instead I suddenly find myself on an emotional rollercoaster without context.
Wow, wow, wow, wowwww! You are such a huge blessing and light in this universe! Thank you so much for contribution and expression of self. This is the second video I have watched from you and I need to say I was feeling so stuck and confused in my current relationship with my partner that I've been dating for a year now and these videos have brought me so much clarity, peace and hope in myself. I could not express how profound the knowledge in your videos have been for me. Thank you from the depth of my being.
I wrote a lot so if you aren’t willing to read it all- I guess I really just want to know how to be there for my wife who has a fearful avoidant attachment-during a separation. I am a recovering anxious attachment person. Recently my wife (fearful avoidant) has decided that we should go our separate ways. Mainly because there was a lot of trauma in my past that I never dealt with that caused me to hurt her in many ways. I feel as though I was the first person she ever completely opened up to, over and over again. But I wasn’t in a place to ever understand her and consistently treat her in the way she needed. I ended up hurting her many times over. During this separation, we have been on a very limited contact situation. We would only talk about our daughter. However, during this separation, I’ve done a LOT of personal growth and through it all, I still feel as though I want to be with her. However, she hasn’t been able to do much work on herself because she hasn’t found a therapist that she likes and has kind of thrown herself into work. I don’t know how intimate her relationships with the other people in her life have gotten. But from what I know about their relationships, it’s never really been as intimate as she’s needed (and that’s before we were going through a separation). She came to visit a while ago and things went GREAT. After the trip, we started talking more and had one really deep conversation. After that, it’s like she ghosted me. I’m willing to fight for this relationship through times like these. But after watching this video I think I realize that she has a lot to figure out on her own. If anyone was brave enough to read all of this, I greatly appreciate it!
She’s probably scared AF to open up again. Esp to someone who’s hurt her over and over again. And it hurts more when the person who knows you don’t have a lot of ppl to turn to hurts you. It makes you feel like you can never trust them the same cuz now you’re always questioning how real it is or if you’re actually waiting for more hurt to come. There’s always that wall that’s there now. She prob wants to be vulnerable again but can’t because she’s protecting her heart
She def got scared. She (probably) felt what you felt and then her subconscious mind triggered her into going into protective mode since you hurt her so many times. I would send her some Thais Gibson videos on attachment styles about anxious attatchment that explains you very well and say what you learned from it and how learning about your attachment style helped you grow as a person. And maybe she will feel like checking out some of this type of information on her own. If you do pursue with the intention of getting her back you have to becareful not to get triggered yourself as an AA because it will trigger her Dismissive side.
Exavier I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was the AA and my husband was the FA. We separated and I started to get therapy and learned how to honor my feelings and needs. I worked with Adam Lane Smith to heal my attachment and went from Anxious to Secure. Heal your own wounds and learn how to be in a proper relationship with God, yourself, and others.
@@gacem.hassina Do they come back if they started a new (potentially rebound-like) relationship? And if they say they love the new person and want to be vulnerable with them (after only 4-8 weeks of going out vs 8 years with me)?
This is so interesting! I definetely have this ego mentality of 'I can survive the cold like no other' and then getting crazy limerent and needy once I reach my limits. I have discovered that I am fearful avoidant thanks to you and my life makes so much more sense now. I need a better support system and I need to keep on developping self care habits and nurturing environments. Thanks for making all this manageable so I can have faith I can move forward in reality and not spending most of my time in fantasy land. I love you ❤
Really brilliant stuff. Logically I see/understand why I do what I do, but emotionally I almost have no control over my own feelings. Sometimes it's like I'm on the inside looking out trying to mother an unruly child. My intentions are never bad but I still hurt other people and myself. Loneliness is like a sickness. Thank you for shining a light on this subject.
Just wow. Thank you for bringing this so, humane. I felt like an outlier my whole life. Like I just don't seem to fit the box. A loner but not a loner. Convinced I will be alone my whole life, but like having a lot of friends anyway, and a lot of people who love me. Graduated from University in 2017, having a masters in Business Economics, but hated every bit of it. Started my own coaching business, recently started University again studying Physiotherapy, never satisfied, so exhausting sometimes. Recently got to know a girl, someone who genuinly loves me, for me. It's crazy, it's scary. I just cannot understand why. So, in my exam stress, I started pushing her away. I feel terrible about it. My search of how this happens brought me to this attachment style. It all makes sense. My abusive dad in my childhood, a rough divorce of my parents. Hoping to work on this, life's to short to be alone. Happiness is only real when shared. Thank you so much! Appreciated!
Thank you Heidi for humanizing the avoidant experience. I’m familiar with my own avoidant attachment style and have made progress on it over the years, but hearing someone actually describe it from the inside really helps to lessen the pressure and the burden of needing to change, and helps me feel less alone.
I was interested in learning about attachment theory for years and have read many books about it. I'm just learning that I'm a fearful avoidant with an anxious lean. It's the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with. Thank you for your videos on this subject. I feel so understood finally.
Wow this has hit me in a lot of ways. The man I loved asked why I wouldn't open up....why I acted like I was just to cool for it all. I wondered too but I thought it was just me. Now I see IT IS dysfunction. I have early childhood trauma but I thought I dealt with it. I have lots of friends but grew up far from family. I always want to reach out to my ex but I don't have anything to say. It's for comfort which is selfish so I'm trying to stop....and I'm afraid to try with him again bc I don't have the skills to deal with the things he does that trigger me. Thank you for this video and speaking as an actual avoidant.
I always knew there was something wrong with me but didn't know how to describe it I am a fearful avoidance who has broken many hearts 💔 Now I know why. I was abused badly as a teenager emotionally and physically by my father, but hexwas my friend, my mother was never there for me. Am a messed up now I know what it is. The only difference with me is I never went back to any relationship, except my dad after my mother passed when I was 23. He helped me strangely enough, was I cured heck no! I have walked away from every relationship I ever had, now I know why. Heidi thank you so much as others have said I believe you have saved my life!!!🎉
Around the exact date this video came out I just went through a breakup with someone I'm deeply in love with who (unfortunately I realized too late after the fact) shows this pattern. On my part, up to this point I had managed to keep my own opposite anxiety more or less under control until I went a bit too overboard one evening (I panicked) and she shut me completely out. I realized I was powerless and the only thing I could do is leave her completely alone. I have been cykling from intense heartache and back again to a strange reassurance that she will open her heart again the way she did from the start. Watching this explained from the inside out is really helpful, but also somewhat frustrating. I mean, there's part of me screaming out "Come on! Why does it need to be so complicated!?". Of course I know why. We all have our scars on the soul, some more than others. These explanations really help me be even more empathetic towards her, and also even more patient. I did send her a nice hand-written letter on nice paper and expressing lots of tender feelings and thoughts to wrap things up a bit yet leaving them also open. A kind of half goodbye standing in an open doorway. Part of me hopes she'll be reminded of how well I treated and supported her and maybe we'll have another shot. I just really hope we can fix this again, because I think the world of her. 😥
I could have written this exactly. It's difficult being split between trying to move on and holding hope for a possibility of mending things. Looking for answers about what went wrong. These kinds of problems are fixable, but only if both people are aware and willing. And if not, we must respect that. Either way, it can be used as an opportunity to grow and be wiser in the future.
I want to tell you that sometimes the more "good" and reassuring the partner is, the more we run. We run because we think we don't deserve you, because we know we will ultimately hurt you, because we can't live up to who you are or what you are offering us...
Your videos have a way making me feel seen, devastated, and hopeful all at once. I have spent my entire life in the military. Stoicism is the emotional language, until it can’t be anymore and the anxious side blows up everything. I am working through this and your videos are a huge help. Thank you.
I had never realized how fearful-avoidant I actually was before watching this. It's a nice feeling to be seen, and it's a great feeling to see I'm already doing so much to heal, and a lot of the advice I already kinda figured out naturally, hoping the unintegrated stuff will help out in the current storm. Here's hoping I can navigate this storm a bit more steadily. Thank you so much Heidi for sharing this.
So so grateful for this, this is absolutely my pattern. I fall in love quickly, I start to feel stifled and then I abruptly break it off... I usually feel good about being independent again and then, after a while, that person creeps back into my mind, and if they have moved on from me or found another partner, I absolutely lose my mind and desperately try to get them back. I know this is a horribly manipulative and unfair pattern and I've been really working on myself to be more secure in my attachments and to build real lasting friendships. I have a ton of childhood trauma, and have always been a loner, and then when a partner fails to meet all of my emotional needs, I just decide I'm better off alone. Now I know why my therapist always wants me to focus on my younger self. If anyone else has a pattern like this I'd love to know what you do to heal from it.
Someone like you just broke up with me. But I will bide my time and hope she'll return again, because despite all of this she's the most wonderful person I've ever met and I think the world of her.
I too was left few weeks ago by someone who's like that. Every time our intimacy rises he gets into flee or flight mode. I don t blame him it's coping mechanisms, just hope he finds a way to exit this pattern and reach peace. You can look into NLP therapy or the Sedona method here on RUclips.
@@thanjay1867 Thank you! I hope she will come into contact with her actually strong feelings for me again in the not all too distant future. With all the love she expressed towards and the connection we felt, I cannot imagine otherwise, but it's hard to see whether she herself can overcome it. In any case, I have to work on my self now, and work on my own AP tendencies that got in the way of this wonderful thing we had together.
It’s evil to keep interfering with her new relationships if you have no intention of committing yourself to making it work with her. She has a biological clock and only has a limited amount of time to find a decent partner and start a family. LEAVE HER ALONE
Oh my gosh. I’m almost 60 and have been struggling since my divorce with 3 long term relationships where I showed up as a fearful avoidant. Thank you for the language and insights that I will use on my journey of healing. ❤
@@annmalone8208 Yes, I know.. I have done things to enjoy life, trip and meet people.. But I have this melancholia that can't help but missing my FA ex and what we had. Hope you find peace and acceptance too ❤
THANK YOU! I'm dealing with someone like this now, she will say and do anything to say the relationship we had didn't mean anything even though we've been together for 7 months almost non stop. At this point I have to put some serious distance between us so she can really get that you can't just treat people like that and therapy will and can go along way to maintain healthy relationship. She would drive me up the wall one day saying "I love you and I feel safe with you." Then the next day this isn't serious, I like you like a friend we'd fight and get back together things would be good then she'll dismantle the relationship in a weeks time.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 same man. Same. I don’t like how I’m reacting to her and how she treats me. I’m at the point of getting that she’s not for me. It’s easier to say that from the outside, but not when you’re inside dealing with it.
I grew up being so shamed for my (what I know now to be) normal childish needs for comfort and protection that I had no idea how to be vulnerable with others as an adult. Eventually it would always come out as an exploding 4 year old having a tantrum, which perpetuated the cycle of shame. The loneliness has been a constant and so painful that I’ve often wished myself dead. Fortunately about 5 years ago I found people like you and books and I started doing the work of educating myself and trying out new behaviour. I’m still learning, but at least I have some better connections and I’m still learning daily.
Wow. I knew I was avoidant but never realized that actually I"m fearful-avoidant. This video has described to a "t" my 13 year on-again-off-again relationship. And many relationships before that one. I"m just stunned by this video. Thank you so much for your guidance on how to heal and get out of this pattern. You are literally saving my life. Thank you.
Hi Heidi. I can’t explain how much this helps me. Thank you for bringing warmth to the world. And thank you for having the courage and confidence to speak about your own experience. You’re a star!
I cannot thank you enough for this video and your insight. You are so incredibly wise and I am so grateful to the universe for putting your video on my suggestions. I needed this. This was so clearly me. I never had words describe my experience so accurately. Thank you for what you do, you rock! We are warriors and healing is tough but so worth it, thank you so much for that reminder and for your point of view as someone with the fearful avoidant attachment who has healed and moved beyond old patterning. Sending you all my gratitude and so many blessings. 🙏🏼💗🌈☀️
Oh my god, this video has so many “that’s what’s been going on” epiphany moments. And I wanna agree with a top comment: it did make me feel so seen. Some of the phrases hit very deep, because they were explaining some of my behaviors with such an undeniable clarity
I identify as very strongly FA. I'm sevenish months out from a deactivation and subsequent break-up, one I know was right for me, but I'm trying to find a way to get my head right so I don't do this again. This is very helpful to start contemplating a coupled future, one that I have wanted all my life, without setting us up for failure.
I wouldn’t say there is anything to change for you to be in this relationship except having the lack of confidence to tell that person that you two don’t belong together…being fearful avoidant is just the way you manifest your distaste for that person…and your probably someone who doesn’t like the confrontation of the breakup phase so you become avoidant in hopes that they will end it first…secure people are just people who know what they want and don’t want and are better at walking away…you just have a hard time being lonely and bored so you think it’s best to go back! When you shouldn’t because that person is not the one for you! Hope that makes sense.
I like the mercy and kindness you've expressed towards FAs. There's a lot of villifying any avoidant attachment folks and a little compassion goes a long way. The part about developing language to express one's self resonates with me.
You have shed sooooo much light on my most recent relationship. These are his patterns but I did not have a “name” for the behavior…we would get really close and like clockwork, he’d run.
For years i’ve been searching for an explanation on what i went through in my last relationship. It has dawned on me that we are both fearful avoidant. My mind is blown. Anyways, after this video it sounds like FAs have a lot of growing up to do. It’s hard to accept the hard facts. I’ve been putting in the work to better myself and control my triggers. You get thrown wrenches left and right in today’s dating world and society.
Thank you Heidi. You described my experience so accurately. I cried while watching this, but I guess that just means I am learning to grieve :) This was a wonderful reminder that I need to get myself more comfortable with vulnerability in my friend group. Its haaaaarrrdddd but necessary.
OMG.. this is me 1000x over all 54yrs of my life. God bless you for making this ,video . When these tears stop I'm gonna listen to it again and try to make some life changes i never knew Why I just knew nothing ever last for me in relationships. I'd try over over with same until neither us could bare anymore. But you Nailed it..all of it. Wishing could afford to move to wherever you counsel.. lol. Frfr. I know what I need to seek out tools an skills to work on at least. Thank you sooo much
@@GoodVictory24 healing is incredibly painful, I think someone has to be ready and has to come to that decision on their own. Maybe they would try by an outside motivation but it could be short-lived, because it really needs the long term dedication and usually years of work around trauma and often other things.
@@GoodVictory24 well, I understand...you can't predict how they will react but I think that being able to communicate openly is important and being an FA myself (not so much anymore due to long-term healing) I must say that I brought the topic of attachment to my friends and they did not get defensive. Maybe it's better to talk about this more like about an interesting psychological theory than something that will make them think that you're saying "that's your way of being flawed". I'm sending support to you stranger. 🤗
11:20 how to break out of it Breaking up but still being friends 12:25 19:20 work on developing bonds with other people 21:35 finding an attachment therapist 22:05 showing more of my vulnerable self and less of my ego self
Wow you exactly described an ex-friend of mine. Our friendship ended, and on my part, I was willing to be open and vulnerable, but he was like you said: "too cool for feelings." He always kept it superficial, had a good sense of humor, so he was always able to keep things light. He didn't have a good relationship with his mother who was emotionally neglectful, and that's why he has superficial relationships with women. His life is fast-paced and exciting, like you described. He is always traveling or working, so he subconsciously structures his life in a way where there isn't time to reflect or process his feelings. He is completely the opposite of me, which is why I didn't understand him one bit, until I learned about attachment styles: now everything makes sense. I think he's completely unaware of his emotional issues. Because he doesn't reflect (thinks talking about yourself is solipsistic), he'll never change. Good thing I let go of the friendship as I don't think he'll ever change.
@@CamilleMarielle yes - my partner is avoidant, I’d say I’m fearful avoidant & do have more cptsd. He basically sails through life unbothered by much! Certainly not by other people’s behaviour or emotions. I get very little emotional validation from him.
@@universaltruth2025 sounds tough when emotional validation feels so vital for us with CPTSD/fearful-avoidants. I hope you find ways to give yourself that validation or via other support 🙏🏻 self hugs are my thing! Xx
@@CamilleMarielle Thanks. Yes I will definitely try more now & know I do need to rely on myself! I think learning about attachment styles may be the missing piece in the puzzle for me. I could never figure out why my husband seemed so unbothered by things and unfazed if I (or anyone) was emotionally upset. I thought maybe he was narcissistic but now I think he’s more just avoidant. I could never understand it before. There did seem to be something always missing in his relationship with me & others. It has seemed very superficial a lot of the time & missing the connection of deeper relationships I seem to see other people experiencing. Tg I am not going to spend the next 30 years expecting any deep connection & validation!! I think a lot of people in my life have been the same - avoidant - my father, mother & brother included. But my father and brother had a big dose of narcissism in there along with it. My mother is probably fearful/avoidant or avoidant as well. Looking back her emotional connection often felt manipulative rather than genuine. Like she knew the things to say or do to get a child (me) to settle down /behave/comply etc. But she didn’t really ever feel comfortable having a genuine deep connection (‘expressing emotional intimacy’). I always got the unspoken message from my family that having & expressing negative emotions was stupid, & was a big waste of time & energy that was better spent doing something useful. I suppose there is some truth to that, the trouble is some of us can’t ignore our negative emotions so easily. Thanks for your reply I think life might improve a bit from this point!! Xx
The way you in particular articulate fearful avoidant has made the most sense to me. Here I was thinking I was secure. But very very slowly I've been becoming aware of my discomfort with vulnerability and what I call "suspicious until proven innocent". And my tendency to not want to compromise with my life plans independence and routines Others word things in such a removed way and there'd no comparison to ither types so I never thought it was me. This has been very insightful.
This is the second video on fearful-avoidant that I've watched just today and I'm exhausted from the emotional process. It's all true. So grateful this is here to take in and allow to simmer. And to know it's not just me. Excited for more videos.
"Making the world a place that you belong in". A shot to the heart. This explains a lot about why I hold so bad onto the unique relationships that once meant the world to me and surprisingly maybe still do. As a FA, I think I fall into both 'cool life' and 'psychology geek above feelings' categories. And thanks for acknowledging that we don't actually need drama or any of that shit, it's revolting to our very core. It's been unspeakably hard, but I'm learning to let people come a little closer every time without shattering my whole system anymore, and I'm proud of myself for that even thought it still looks like one-step-forward-two-steps-back sort of a dynamic. And I'm actually loving boundaries, only wish I hadn't waited too long to have my whole energy and enthusiasm for life gone in their absence. But "there is a way in hell for me too"😏
I love and resonate deeply with pretty much every line of this comment. I appreciate the humility you have in this approach - it really does feel like one step forward, two steps back at times. But it sounds like you're getting somewhere very worthwhile. Proud of us both ❤
Heidi, wish you were still making content. You have really opened my eyes at 30 years old. I’ve also realized I need to switch my therapist closer to someone who is as straight forward as you are.
👏👏 amazing..! I've recently split with a girl who was abused by her own "dad" since a child including last year when I was dating her.. when her unsolved trauma and C-PTSD came to the surface it was the hardesttttttt mentally challenging situation I've ever been through at age of 33! I wish I seen these videos before we cut contact a few days ago..my head is still spinning it's destroyed my life and outlook. Pleaseeee can you do a video for couples in this situation to watch together and help them overcome the struggles and communication stages.. the love I have for her and she has for me wasn't the issue we split, would have done anything to help her get out of her old life and be trusting and safe enough to help her! 😭
From my experience a lot of trauma started to appear in my 30s. Maybe its the decade that memories start to surface and strong emotions come up but we don’t have the knowledge to know how to understand or cope with them. I think a therapist would be needed in you partner’s case.
@@universaltruth2025 first time she was treated right and loved and been loved.. he went around and started abusing her in a flat they owned that she moved into to get away from his drinking and abusive behaviour with mum etc.. it triggered her as it hadn't happened for a while..he used it as an excuse to punish her. Unfortunately she's wrapped up with living hope church and the people she goes to for help don't know the full truth and basically it's all too messy! He has her back and locked up now after finding out about us.. I've done all I can, even told his brother so hoping someone breaks her free of this life
This video is so informative and thorough. Thank you for your honesty and making this. Now if only the fearful avoidant person I know wasn't also a liar, covert narcissistic, and actually wanted to improve themself, maybe this video could have helped them too.....
This is me. It was painful to watch this because I never want to be the cause of someone else’s pain but it finally put a description to a part of me I never knew how to describe. I am so eager to heal and leave this pattern behind me.
I have watched this video a few times, saved, and subscribed because this is the first time I have heard my EXACT feeling toward dating expressed and strung together in an approachable manner. I have never been able to identify my insecurity with dating or why my behavior was so different. I've looked towards books and professional suggestions, but your first ten minutes summarized ten-plus years of dating for me. The past few days with me relistening to your breakdown has helped tremendously with me having a breakthrough. Thank you. You are doing the Lord's work!😇
After watching this, I feel seen for the first time in my life. I also feel so deeply sad for our parents and other generations who didn't get any sort of insight into these sorts of issues and just had to live and deal with them the best way possible without even being able to identify what these issues were.
THIS
@@lisagill3561 true
word
I don't know to what extent there were attachment styles in the sense that we know them today. I say this because the socialization of parents and children were different.
This is a sign of empathy on your part. Bravo, I hope you're working through this and healing!
It's so true that all you get told when you go to someone outside of the rship for support, that you just get told "Dump him" "You're worth more than that" and he is slagged off to high-heaven, when half of the issue is with me. It just makes me completely withdraw, and internalise all of my pain and difficulties. Then I tie myself in knots trying to decipher what the actual truth is of what is going on, rather than what my anxiety is saying it is 😢
YES! That is literally the advice 90% of people give.
It’s incredibly damaging to the good in a relationship when somebody who struggles to talk about feelings, tells “close” friends who don’t actually know them deeply because the fearful avoidant doesn’t open up, a version of a stressful situation in a relationship and then those friends take that as a close-to-truth version.
Fearful avoidants don’t like admitting their own misgivings, even very innocent things that cause frustration and stress in partners.
Then the partner, who probably gives so much and is actually incredibly supportive, gets slagged off like some kind of terrible person to be avoided at all costs.
In truth, the fearful avoidant is just feeding right into the self-sabotage.
@@RichardHodgson-wb9lk nailed it, thank you for expounding on good points the other two in this thread made.
In my experience this especially happens in groups of women whenever the man does the slightest thing wrong, wherein wrong is subjective.
@@closethockeyfan5284yes, I found that in order to continue in my marriage I had to extract myself out of most of my female friends. As I couldn't withstand the constant bickering and suggestions to break up with him.
It's because y'all not telling the whole story , tell the whole story and see what ppl will say then.
The toll it takes on the partner of a fearful avoidant is also devastating! To have our emotions yo-yoed around like this creates trauma for us too! The on again off again is exhausting and we are always hoping when they come back that it will work “this time”
It’s a horrible experience
Yes, the avoidant's behavior translates as cruelty. They absolutely do not recognize the harm that they do.
As somebody who's put another person through that pain. I'm deeply sorry. I'm so sorry for all the back and forth and all the exhausting nights lying awake in anxiety. If it's any help at all to anybody who's been through that pain I just want to say that I'm striving to change, to be better.
It’s been an experience. Secure relationships are God sent. I feel for my ex but in the same - I don’t. She continued to text me and blamed me for not giving her space. I don’t like roller coasters, but I will take a real rollercoaster over an emotional roller coaster. Her lack of self esteem was devastating knowing I couldn’t do anything about it.
Many of us know the pain we cause but we just can't stop 😔 it's very confusing for us too, and often, clarity only comes after the damage has been done
I helped my partner overcome these issues by painting a stable background where she was free to enter or leave whenever she wished and there would be no rejection. Because of this she began responding to therapy, where she found the means to shift her attachment style.
This is hopeful and I am glad for you. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you 🙏🏽 for being a supportive partner for her. I wished I’d found this video before me and my significant other split… I think this is what he needed from me and I didn’t know 😞
@@Shannon_luvscars I did a lot of research and I was close to mine all our lives but it took until late in life before we settled down
Such a gift! :)
What you mean by no rejection? As I’m taking her back with no judgement?
I just ended a relationship with a fearful avoidant, and it was incredibly painful. One day we were naming our future children, the next she looked at me with disgust. This video clarified a lot of things for me.
it's fearful avoidance or bipolarity??
@@popmaria684that’s not how bipolar disorder works. This is very typical behavior for avoidant people- they become overwhelmed by the intimacy and check out of the relationship - even the examples that Heidi gave were similar
@Sitting_on_a_perch makes me think that I'm in a relationship with a FA, and that I might be FA as well. Interesting
Same. I think this video doesn't do enough to highlight the accountability the FA should be taking. The entire video is couched as "here's how to end things permanently with your bad ex" and then in the next breath didcusses how these people routinely end relationships in a panic purely becauss emotional vulnerability was experienced. I think encouraging avoidants to avoid is super harmful.
@@MarkLeach-jb6bni was thinking the same thing.
I now have a description for my behavior but i also am starting to think my wife is FA as well??
When you mentioned 'friendships where you bring your full authentic self,' it made me realize that however amazing my current friendships are, I don't see them as deep or intimate or as vulnerable as the romantic relationships I've had, because my 'full authentic self' sometimes included sobbing naked in someone's arms over past trauma (of course I would never do with a friend 😂), or showing anger at a partner (I never show anger at friends), or calling and unloading with no filter all my anxieties about work, school etc (I am really careful about dumping on friends and ask first, etc). I need to do a lot of thinking about this... I tend to be my 'full authentic self' only deep into a romantic relationship and sometimes that self is messy and unregulated and honestly probably hard to take care of....but I assume they won't leave and will nurture those sides of me (wrap me up in a burrito blanket lol) because they've committed and love me.... Whereas with friends, I try really hard not to be a burden because I assume they'll back away if I'm too much or hard to care for or dump negativity. So my friendships tend to be positive and steady and has lasted decades whereas my romantic relationships haven't gone more than a year or two. This is making me wonder, do I need to treat my boyfriends with more of the careful respectful distance I treat friends? Or practice sobbing in front of a friend and sharing deeper things or going to them for comfort on a bad day? .....maybe it's a combo. I def allow myself to get to very vulnerable, very deep states with partners and then ask for a lot of soothing there. But if I was on the opposite end of this role, I would find it exhausting.
Hmm lots to think about. I feel shame about this topic and vulnerable even sharing this...but thanks for creating a space to share and to anyone reading this for listening!
I TOTALLY recommend you read "You are the one you've been waiting for" which is a book about Internal Family Systems and how it connects to intimate relationships. I think it'll help with your situation a lot. It's helped me IMMENSELY!!!!
You literally described my situation perfecfly. Don't feel shame for sharing this, others are going through the same thing you are
Thank you for sharing 🐱
This perfectly describes my life too. Amazing stable long term friends (20yrs+), and 1-2 year romantic relationships (I've had a lot) where I'm all over the place...it's comforting to know I am not alone, you are definitely not alone in this. I hope we all find the answers and healing we need
I relate to so much of what you've written. Thank you for sharing your experience, and putting words to something I feel ❤
Thank you. I ended a relationship with a girl who behaved this way. Hardest thing I ever did, her compartmentalising is painful to watch. To see someone choose to be absent, to feel like you don’t care and they have this super power where they can leave with no issues. Was all to much for me to bear anymore. Be kind to people everyone.
Very sorry. I have this and know the pain that is caused to the non fearful avoidant.
On her behalf, I am very sorry
Can you give an example of how she would compartmentalize?
I dont think we choose to be absent. Everytime we are pressured or feel cornered we withdraw. Until we can get ourselves together and see how we are going to address the ultimatums we are giving. When I left or withdrew it was because I would shut down it takes so much energy to pretend everything is okay and go through the motions when in reality I was scared to death, I was scared to trust, to love to be my real self. I wish people would understand that when we decide to love we love with no conditions it just take a lot of time to get to the point. A lot of people don't have it in them to rock with me at my worst.
@@alexblazin5478 Saying you don't have a choice is avoiding accountability, which is typical but it's false. You definitely have a choice, you just allow your triggers to control your choices instead of leading them in wise mind. You have free will - you are in control on the choices you make at all times.
Heidi: Don't try to be friends with your exs!
Me: Ok, but what if they broke up with you and you don't understand why and they're the only ones who can answer the questions you have so you can resolve and heal your preoccupied trauma?
Later in the video:
Heidi: Avoid the belief that the person that hurt you is the only person who can help you heal.
Me: GOD DAMN IT!
This comment here. I see you ((hugs))
Also, you were hilarious in your delivery.
Haha! I feel you. Much empathy to you. Sucks huh?
Lol, maybe you're serious but this made me laugh! Would it be safe to assume that if you're the fearful-avoidant type, you might have been also fearfully avoiding analyzing the things that went wrong in the relationship on your own?
My ex was probably fearful-avoidant. He told me that he liked me when we barely knew each other and after spending time getting to know him and reciprocating his feelings, he started back peddling saying he didn't believe in titles like "boyfriend and girlfriend" and that he wanted to think of us as balls of energy with no bodies. Then he was comfortable enough to say he loved me probably to make up for all the confusion but it was too early in the relationship. I am the anxious type so I quickly got attached to those words which scared him and he was very often hard to reach especially when I needed him the most. We'd attend a language exchange meet-up together and he'd want us to join separate groups but got mad if I talked to another guy in my group. I once brought sushi for us to eat after the meet-up ended, but he went home without speaking to me so I had to eat it by myself. When he said he wanted space I gave him his space but he'd also complain that he didn't think I cared enough and that was his excuse for dating a friend of mine. I couldn't make head nor tail of him but that was when he was still in his mid to late 20s. I thought for sure that he had forgotten about me after 5 years but he apparently wanted to get married which was probably supposed to fix the problem but instead I lost it and blocked him. I'm sure he's changed a lot since then because he did eventually get married after I cut ties with him. He may not have analyzed what went wrong, but I think there's hope especially if you never did anything that bad. ^_^ And it shouldn't be as complicated to figure out what went wrong.
What else can you come up with?
Finally a video with practical tips for healing fearful avoidant patterning. I’ve seen myself in these rollercoaster relationships but haven’t really understood the dynamic. Hated myself for running back to critical partners like my alcoholic father was.
You’re so right- idk how to set boundaries I need & still feel secure or close in a relationship. I allow too much & eventually snap.
Thank you for real world ideas that I can start using to break the cycles!
"Until you like yourself enough to accept that you're a human being who needs care, support, comfort..." I have never heard the more precise description of what's going on with me and what changes I'm going through.
where in the video does she say this? Thanks!
@@sourcingjoy5568 27:50
@@sourcingjoy5568 😂
11:07 It's sooooooo true!!!! It explains so much! We weren't allowed boundaries as children, so now we think the only way to get boundaries is to completely escape the whole relationship!
havent gotten far into vid yet but this comment hit home. i def had that setup. i do on/off with socializing on the whole. people do stuff that's triggering, i take it as long as i can then i shut down and back away as the only way to make it STOP (i.e. weird sort of boundaries? i guess that would be more like the lack thereof, and trying to make one thru pure distance/avoidance.)
It’s because you’re terrified of intimacy yet you crave it as well.
Can I send this to my fearful avoidant ex , to help him as I really care
Being a fearful avoidant is rough, such messed-up childhoods. I feel like there needs to be C-PTSD support groups like they have for AA etc.
I see, hear and validate you all, my comrades in trauma. 💜
@@jessd956FA's are not "co-defendant"
It's like we are the villains of the story yet nobody really understands us.
In my culture (Nigerian) childhood abuse is so normalised that a lot of us probably have CPTSD
Do you know Crappy childhood fairy? She have groups for us that have cpts
I have CPTSD and go to ACA(adult children of alcoholics) meetings instead of AA. Quite a few people there have CPTSD. That group has helped me a lot. The 12 steps are somewhat adapted from AA to ACA in most groups including mine. They are still flawed imo but still helpful although i wish we used the 12 remade steps from the ACA founder explained here, ruclips.net/video/LnwoilL0q9E/видео.html
there is also a loving parent guidebook which is ACA litterature and the ACA fellowship text(Big Red book) is also very good.
I really feel so sad for fearful avoidant people, it must be so terrible to live like that, but it's also just as tough being on the receiving end, always getting your heart broken by the same person, and never really know why, and I'm someone who will take that person back over and over again in hopes that, maybe this time... I myself have an anxious attachment style, so I stay attached for so long. I wish it was easy for all of us who struggle with insecure attachments to heal our childhood "trauma" but it's so difficult and at times feels completely impossible, no matter how many articles you read or videos you watch. It's really so sad. And not everyone can afford therapy.
I don't know what else to offer but a hug. It's rough out there
I totally get being on the receiving end. I have secure attachment. ( However, struggle with anxiety starting after having children.) Married 23 years and wish so much this was easier. It leaves me heartbroken over and over. I don't know when to throw in the towel on someone I care so much for. I truly want nothing but for him to be happy and whole. With or without me.
I used to feel heartbroken for the longest time. I only managed to heal this , now I say only as if it's nothing lol but it took years and that was making sure ai keep good healthy and ongoing relationship with friends, family, my neighborhood, people in general, making sure I work at a job I like and have great relationship with boss and colleges, make sure I m happy with my body, my home, make sure every aspect of my life is in order, and I take care of me.
Also ofc I reprogrammed subconscious mind. I'm ok, others are ok. We're all ok and life is to be accepted and enjoyed just a it is basically and not as ai want it through control ;) I was broken up with not so long ago, someone I love very much, but to my surprise, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I used to feel. This healing stuff really works.
I don't feel bad for those demons they need to be single forever and the people they hurt need life time of love it's wrong to say you love someone and randomly leave them that's a choice
Heidi's talk is OK, but she never acknowledges the devastation they perpetrate.
My Primary question to the Avoidants is: Do you want to continue a style that sends so many hearts into the dumpster?
I don’t think I care if you see this comment or not, but I seriously and wholeheartedly think that this video is saving my life, my sanity, my personhood. Thank you. I have never felt more seen in my entire life. You may be saving the only positive relationship I have experienced thus far, and I am crying but in a good way. Thank you.
I care and I'm happy you feel seen❤
same
I see you too.
how are you now and how's your relationship? i hope everything's going well for you ❤
Wishing you well
Did no contact for pretty much the first time with my last break up. It was fucking horrendously painful and I longed for him and missed him so much, then...started to read about attachment trauma, codependence, enmeshment etc..and watched a ton of stuff on RUclips (so thankful for such amazing stuff to watch) and realised how traumatised I was and the patterns of my relating. SO painful to process all this and grieve. Fast forward 6 months and I now have no idea what I saw in him! He was totally emotionally unavailable (as was/ am I by having largely unhealed cptsd) and actually pretty mean to me. I'm FA leaning anxious and he was the most DA person I've ever met. Terrible combination. Committed to myself now and learning to relate in healthy ways. No more crumbs from myself or others!
This is encouraging:)💓I'm happy u are healing
Men can't ever actually move on. Sorry
I'm literally the guy version of you. Did the other guy ever contact you to try to get back together after the last breakup?
@@dovahduck about 3 months post break-up I contacted him to say I was open to a friendship whenever if he was and left it with him. I thought I meant it at the time. By the time he got in touch a couple of months later I was too far into the trauma research to think it was remotely a good idea! He was pretty enthusiastic with replying to emails, that's all he ever was enthusiastic about anyway, but I just felt no desire to keep in contact, it felt too uncomfortable. I saw how there was zero connection between us, he had no ability to relate on a personal level, was gossipy and mean about literally everyone and I had no idea what I'd previously seen, other than just fantasy. His avoidant ways were really off-putting rather than appealing. I have no idea if he was harbouring any desire to rekindle anything but I didn't wait around to find out. Didn't reply to his last email and there's been nothing since. Thank god he didn't get in touch when I initially offered friendship or I may have got sucked back into something totally wrong for me!
No more crumbs from myself or others. ✨
On top of all that, I feel that because we aren’t able to set boundaries and speak on our feelings is because we don’t want to add on to our trauma. So we continue to be fearful avoidant. It’s so hard to ask for what I need in relationships because it’s like I’m allowing the relationship to go wrong so I have a legitimate reason to go back into hermit mode and not really have to deal with things.
I've tried to explain this a thousand times: asking for what I need and facing the possibility of hearing a clear "no" is a thousand times scarier than just pretending I don't have needs at all. At least by staying silent, I can numb and distract myself from the pain of not having my needs met instead of looking the pain in the eye.
@@MildExplosionwhat it is y’all need ? Omg just say it and I can make adjustments, the problem is that y’all not honest
@@MildExplosionadditionally, sometimes stating my needs feels like a waste of time because I don’t want the other person to change. Instead I’d rather find someone I’m already compatible with
This is so accurate!
@ld921 what kind of response is this? You're reacting negatively to someone who says they struggle with expressing themselves because of exact reactions like this. If you want the FA in your life to be honest then have more compassion
Laying in my bed crying right now. Your videos have cured my lifelong confusion, shame and fear in the few months I’ve been watching you. It hurts so much unpacking this trauma but you make it so much easier to deal with. You are an ANGEL!! Thank you!
You are very ill, very sick, very stupid, very cruel who discard the one who loves you so much within a second.
This is the best summary of a fearful-avoidant. I’ve struggled relating with many videos describing this attachment style. Heidi, you hit the nail on the head… I tend to favor my autonomy/single hood more than you described, but I do wish to find connection, without enmeshment or being controlled. Finding someone I can trust with being vulnerable is scary because it simultaneously feels so good and so dangerous.
i feel this on a super deep level. yeah, trust is hard to give, because it can so easily be broken. i think a lot of people don't see it as too important and so breaking trust doesn't mean the same thing to them. plus the plague of anti-empathy that's been rolling around quite a few years now....
so it's like.... you want connection, but you also don't want to get brutalized.
part of it is reading the relevant red flags and avoiding people that *should* be avoided. toxic stuuuuuuuuuff. for one, those encounters set ya way back.
How about just remembering that when trust was broken before, it hurt but you survived it?
@@SandraWade666that would be pointless because I would also remember that it wasn’t worth it
Thank u for sharing I feel like that alot
So good and so dangerous sounds about right. Sigh
I feel like I was turned into a fearful avoidant by a series of bad relationships as a teenager/young adult. I used to be solid as a rock in relationships, but slowly transitioned into the on again off again pattern. And now I can't even get to the point of being on anymore. I love the flirting, early stages. But as soon as my feelings are reciprocated in a way that seems very real, I do a 180 seemingly against my will. And the argument can't even be made that I'm just interested in sex, because I don't even get that far. Sometimes I don't even make it to a first kiss....
I think you are right on track, same here
Totally feel you.all the excitement of flirting of knowing somebody new.expecting things to be dofferent this time .plus the mystery...once u start to where shit is going u like NEEH
Well, you make it further than I do... At this point, I'm blocking people as soon as I start to have any kind of feelings for them 😂 we're not even getting to the flirting stages. If I get even the tiniest whisper of a crush on you, you're dead to me lol.
I spent my entire 20s in back to back long term relationships. I only got to know my anxious side. Now that I've been single for almost 3 years, I've come to associate any kind of attraction with "something is wrong with me, only unhealed people feel attracted to other people" 🫠 of course I can't control who I'm attracted to, but I can control how much I'm around them.
My ex was fearful avoidant, but its like he was able to vomit feelings to his friends and family but NOT his lover. The relationship was conflict free but mostly because he was avoiding telling me his needs.
I'm the opposite. I vomit all my problems in other relationships to my husband and then put on a mask with others because I'm afraid of how they'll react.
What's funny is the people I feel unsafe with are people I don't even like (the ones that remind me of my mother and other caregivers). Then people I do feel safe with, I can tell my boundaries to.
Yup, that was my mode too (healing FA)
I was in a relationship with a person like this. One heck of a painful rollercoaster. I cared a lot for the person, but eventually had to just walk away.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 Sorry, Sabio. :( But, there's hope. There are about 3.5 billion other choices out there many of which would love to be with you. :)
@@sabiofilosofo1306 I feel your pain brother I’ve been there as well just recently but it’s about knowing the world keeps moving. We have to continue forward.
Same
Im in the process of walking away from a relationship with a person like this. The chemistry was out of this world, we had our fair share of issues and we tried to work it out. But after more time passes by, the more distant and defensive she acts towards me constantly. I ended up always feeling like shit because every time I speak my mind or try to set boundaries with her, or just to even try and have a mature conversation about our relationship, I will always be at fault. There's never a middle ground, it's just constant blaming of each other. And she asked for time and space again and again and again. Until I hit a wall, and I realized that this is not healthy for me.
I love her so much and still do and I tried to accommodate this pattern of behavior and be a safe space to her, hoping she would realize that this is not healthy to grow our relationship. But man, I was sacrificing my own sanity (I also have abandonment and attachment issues that I am working on, so it is very very painful for me to experience people whom I love, is distancing themselves away from me.)
It still hurts like hell, I'm taking it one day at a time but good Lord... I feel so worthless from time to time man.
@@raynaldiinaray6691 how long was the relationship if you don’t mind me asking also you deserve much better than to be a punching bag from someone who doesn’t love you back the way you love treat yourself first before anyone else from this point on!
For the longest time my thought pattern was I don't need them and they don't need me, it couldn't be farther from the truth.
SO TRUE ❤
It’s a nightmare being on the receiving end of this
Yeah I feel bad. I am FA and I was friends with another FA and it was hell. We would pull each other in either direction of anxious and avoidant and it was toxic.
I like what Heide said about learning to like yourself. Key for me with working to remedy thus pattern of my behavior was learning to love myself and showing up as my own best friend. I'm an accepting, loving and supportive friend to others and now I provide it for me.
And going through a breakup suddenly from an FA pulling away at the heights of love and connection emerging I feel all the pain I've caused to others and have to be willing to forgive myself for the grief I've caused others. I now can feel how terrible it is.
What I can tell you is, the person that is left behind can be much more than heart broken. Wish I had understood better the pain my best friend was going through, it could have been life changing for both of us. No contact is a very hard, painfull way of ending what you think of as a long term, beautiful loving relationship.
That’s what I’m missing from her videos: The empathy for the people that are hurt by this behavior. Sure the FA is hurting but the destruction that they leave behind is immense.
I myself am not securely attached and I feel a lot of shame for all the hurt I’ve caused because of it to the point where I hesitate to start new relationships.
I'm never ready to go no contact with my partners when the relationship is ending regardless of if I'm kind of the one ending it or not. Once I love someone, I love them forever for the most part. I have built friendships to try to balance my emotional needs, and not solely rely on my partner - but then I fall so in love, or I want to be with that person so much it's hard to maintain other relationships.
I always thought remaining friends with former partners was a sign of maturity but truthfully it is just fear of letting them go completely…! I definitely relate to anxiety IN the relationship. Thank you, Heidi ❤
Am f.a who knows for a fact staying friends with exes is a hell no, I mean it's common sense
honestly it depends on the situation and how it ended. making sure you remain friends even after a toxic relationship is not it, but if you stopped dating after finding out you're just not a match for each other beyond friendship then why the hell not ?
Wow! I do have friendships, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had friends who were emotionally intelligent when it comes to romantic relationships. I am working on expanding my circle to include people who are not just totally traumatized by their families and unable to form healthy partnerships.
Oh Heidi!!! My ex partner and I watched this video and decided it would be best to try out the 6 months to a year no contact healing journey. We may end up realizing we arent good for each other during that time .. 1 month in and I can feel myself swinging all over the place emotionally. Some days I feel hyper independent, some days I feel like Im drowning in numbing out activities and sometimes I unblock them and hover over the *send* button to a "lets just call this off" text.
But im trusting the process. Trusting that being able to show up with boundaries and a community on my side who deeply loves and supports me, will help me find answers for the me who searches for external influences to calm the inner storm.
This video changed a lot for me. And Im ready to take my relationship's seriously.
Ugh its so hard though lolol the inner drama in LOUD
Omg I'm going thru a similar situation 😭 the inner drama is real but I'm willing to do the work, im glad to hear im not the only one 😅we got this 🙌🏽
But aren't you afraid they will find someone else? OR maybe you will. I would be in constant anxiety thinking they might be dating someone else and it all goes to sh*t. Getting back together after deciding to do this together and finding out he slept or dated other people would kinda break my heart.
Honestly the more time goes by the less anxiety I feel about what they are doing. I miss them a lot, but I hope they are developing meaningful relationships to themself and those around them. I wouldnt be upset if they slipped and sought out external reassurance. I feel like in healing, it's important to realize there ARE other options that are healthy out there too. But it's the devoting yourself to coming back to the journey that I am personally hoping for. I did not take time needing for the end result for us to be healthy and better. But for us to both come out on the other side stronger and more in touch with ourselves. You have to be willing to face what comes up on the other side of the unknown. This journey has been helpful to me in choosing me, that is all I choose to focus on. Whats meant for me will align with my secure self esteem and strong boundaries
@@1icybluedog what is the update? I hope you both are doing well :)
Still no contact! I can still deeply feel my cycles of activation and deactivation in my thoughts towards them, which I cannot lie stresses me out. Like some weeks I am so excited about my growth and hopeful for our potential future, and some days Im so upset with them for how the relationship went and swear they are dead to me. (I assume that is a part of healing lol) But I am also able to witness how I activate and deactivate in other areas of my life, like with work, family, friends.. in ways ive never seen before! Which ultimately feels like the goal right. To be able to develop skills of security in all areas of my life? It's nice to not be so consumed by relationship chaos, but I still think of them heavily every day. I have also noticed a layer of grieving come up for old relationships I never faced the discomfort of. Ultimately I feel so much stronger as an individual as I have more respect for my ability to set boundaries and communicate in difficult situations.. but not projecting my insecurities on anyone else and having to face it all without romantic comfort is so uncomfortable. I hope they are navigating the no contact with so much curiosity and love for themself, they deserve the inner peace
Even though I have probably the most difficult moment ever and still a lot to heal, I'm so proud of my self right now, seeing how couple years passed and that pattern doesn't apply to my life anymore. I can resist urges like that and my relationships are for sure better and more authentic than ever, also the romantic one.
Thats amazing !
I’m so happy for you. As for me. I’m still healing ❤
@@FizaHaque yeah, I broke up with my partner, we're on good terms and I try to let it go. I'm not going to just jump right back in from the volatile place, it's time to take care of me. 💚💜
@@Viviennitta totally understandable. You got this. ❤️ Best wishes in advance for the next year 🥂
I was looking for content regarding this topic because I’m in a push and pull situationship with someone, and I wanted to learn something about them.
It turned out it was me all the time :( I would’ve never guessed this. I honestly feel rejected often, even though I’m not being clearly rejected by anyone, but my extreme fear of rejection and abandonment makes me want to avoid the contact with the other person. I now want to apologize to every ex I have 😢
Same…
Same here
i feel this socially. fear of rejection gets high or triggered in various ways or keeps getting pinged, and eventually i reach a max of what i can deal with and back the f up.
yeah, i lost my best friend/wife then after I met a great gal but kept pushing away, finding reasons to break it off until there were actual reasons. Think i did it like 5 times, i think i feel love for her but i cant do it. ill be a monk now
It's me, I'm the problem, it's me! Same.
I also struggle with ADHD and rejection sensitivity disorder. The fear of rejection makes me crippled. In physical pain of the fear.
I went through this a lot. She’s right. Had a lot of neglect as a child from my parents and siblings. You or I can’t victimize ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves, others , focus on who we wan to be and for the next relationship, explain to them that real love is going through the storm , not around it.
❤❤❤
I haven't heard anybody talk about the difficulty in finding people who understand the unique and challenging life path of someone with this style. Thank you for speaking to and validating this aspect.
Thank you! I’m the fearful avoidant and I just broke up with someone I was talking to and now I want them back. The struggle is real
Stay strong and work on generating deep and great self love ❤
What’s so wrong with going back if it was a good relationship?
@@stevet744It’s cruel to play with someone else’s heart.
I wish my Fearful-Avoidant Ex would watch this video and actually try to do the work to get back to where she could be a stable partner. Thank you Heidi, I appreciate you.
What I have realized about the fearful avoidant. We generally don't feel like we're the problem🥲
@@marekin8024yup. My ex genuinely didn't feel like she did anything wrong
Would it backfire to send an avoidant, that doesn't realize they're an avoidant, one of these videos?? Would it be a relief of understanding why things are the way they are for them? Or would it makes them feel worse about themselves? Or offended? 😔 I just want to help.
@@jessicar5314 general rule of thumb is that sending self-help resources to people uninvited is bad. Even if you do it from a place of genuine kindness and loving support, if they don't want it it'll feel controlling or manipulative. You can't heal other people, you can only ever help them heal themselves
@jessicar5314 probably both in some ways? Depends on the person, personally how I got to know I am a fearful avoidant was because my best friend was calling me out for being avoidant and actually saying how much it hurt her feelings. I think maybe telling them how it makes you feel and give them the space to kinda explore it themself? Or kinda hint towards that. A lot of times (personally) I never directly got to hear how much I hurt the other person and that they wanted me to share stuff with them, I always thought they didn't want to have anything to do with me. So just be open and honest about how you feel.
I love this , especially the google doc recommendation. Whats been working for me is writing out my feelings , uncensored, for 12 minutes and then burning it. During the writing process , im purging everything I feel , my anger , my sorrow , grief , my anxiety , my yearning, my shame & .. even my expectations for the person… sometimes , memories. Im giving myself closure. Rule of thumb : I don’t re-read it & I don’t focus on writing neatly … and i watch it burn . After this , i feel better . And i repeat it as many times as necessary for me to move past the moment. It’s emotionally vomiting and it feels better to get it out. Its been a few weeks since the breakup and I can’t even find the words to tell my friends … but this is helping me so much
Thank you for this remind her. I’ve heard of something like this, but never tried it and I think it could be helpful. I’m glad it’s helping you.
Without probably knowing it, you are executing one of the most researched methods of healing journaling! I just heard about it on hubermans podcast. Literally, just write for 15 minutes without taking pen off the paper, no need for writing neatly or rereading it. Great coping and healing tool!
This is it. I've never felt more seen or had a clearer picture of my exact behaviors than in your video. I am going through this now after going "No Contact" for 10 months and find myself triggered, abandonment wounds showing up. I fully know I selfishly want to apologize to him to absolve myself from the shame of knowing I hurt someone I love. Even though I know it's a bad idea and we should not be together. Working on forgiving myself. Just feels so sad not having this person in my life.
Why do you think it’s selfish- to apologize? Working on the same issue. 1 year and 2 months here, but he’s hurt me a lot. And still hard to forgive myself for running after him, when he gave me breadcrumbs…
Meanwhile sitting here in limbo waiting on my apology from a dismissive avoidant so I can move on...
I hope all you guys reached out to your ex and apologized. Not in a sense of giving them hope but if accountability for your insecure attachment and what it caused.
@@resueah7257 I was at this exact same situation..
move on drop everything and LEAVE.
the questions, what ifs and whys even ur love for him drop everything and set yourself free.
A DA will never apologize or care for closure or to clear things out.
I did it and I disappeared he thought I would never but I did. left him playing on his own.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 wow that is exactly how I behaved; cornered, trying to escape, feeling engulfed, to the point of meanness. I do not want to behave that way in future relationships and I am actively going to therapy, reading books, and even trying out Crappy Childhood Fairy CPTSD practices and also not dating. The biggest take away is that I need to forgive myself and take healing trauma slowly. I don't want to get back together with my ex and I decided if we ever run into each other I will apologize then but I am not going to reach out since he was very attached to me and I may honestly hurt more or he could be fully over it and I don't want to "raise the dead" so to speak.
Wowwwwww. I’ve been studying about being an FA for about a year now, and this just taught me so much I hadn’t realized - including running back to the same people who hurt me to feel better. I couldn’t figure out why I was doing that, I felt like an abused dog running back to its owner and unable to control myself. I’ve literally used that exact analogy to explain it before. Thank you so much for all this insight!
This helped me to understand a relationship I just experienced. I was so hurt and confused when they ended it abruptly. Watching this helped me feel compassion for them instead of anger, which was not serving me in moving on. Thank you Heidi for helping us all.
Someone who ends up a relationship abruptly is disregulated. We can only feel anger when we're disregulated ourselves. Which is fine. It's then a process to recognise it and regulate again. Then compassion happens.
I’m a recovering fearful avoidant, I leave relationships or put up walls from fear of being rejected by the people I love or when I have failed or have a sense that I let them down. I’m so hard on myself I’m convinced they are better off not dealing with me. I’m learning to deal with my flaws and become better for me and my very loving and patient partner. All I can do is be the best person I thrive to become, learn to trust and forgive myself.
great that you are making a recovery! my partner and I went though this together. we had a therapist who explained to us about "inner child work" and how to achieve a "reconnection". the treatment went in stages, finishing with her shift in attachment style. after this we became an ordinary couple, and blissfully happy.
Best wishes for your recovery!
In the most respectful way possible, stay away from relationships until you can break the habit of mistreating or neglecting your partners. It’s not fun dealing with Fearful-Avoidant BS.
@@saintultra2737 my partners therapy involved her stepping back from the relationship and facing her own inner needs, but to do this she needed to feel secure in a relationship to give her the courage to turn around and look inwardly. on top of this she had neurological issues - curing the BPD didn't cure her behaviour entirely, but it did make it more manageable and stopped her going into a downward spiral. in her case the behaviour was a contributing factor to the psychological disturbance. we had the advantage of having been extremely close throughout our childhood and whilst we grew up so there was no need to break the ice, and we had several attempts at a relationship before finally settling down aged about 50.
@@saintultra2737 don’t worry we broke up on new years. Currently working on myself. I miss them but I’m to much at the moment. I’m learning and I’m realizing my flaws.
bs? no need to be dismissive. You are an adult and chose to stay in a relationship with a FA. If you notice things dont work out, its your responsibility to say NO and take care of yourself. Relationships are interactions between two people 🥴
Wow, I used to think I was anxiously attached. But I now see I’ve swung to the other end of the spectrum because this is what I’ve been going through. Thank you so much for this insightful video. I was thinking I needed to break up with my partner because I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed. But I’m truly lacking the proper boundaries.
That six month timeline was a game changer for me. It was really eye opening trying that for the first time and realing how much I normally numbed out.
Is this the video that says leaving for 6 months?
I have been married to a fearful avoidant man for 27 years. I am traumatized! The cycles made me feel crazy. We didn’t know what was going on and both say it is tragic. I never understood the closeness then the rejection. I have heard him say things about losing himself and didn’t understand why he felt that my “normal” need for closeness would make him feel like I was going to take him over! Ugh
And now; let’s talk about you……
I get it and I would explain if it helps. FA are kinda enmeshed in relationships like they will lot of times agree with your perspective and thoughts and your way of doing things kinda like they have to keep their thoughts opinions perspective hidden and go along with yours when with you which makes them feel like they are losing themselves in that relationship
So they don’t take space in relationships; they don’t disagree; they don’t bring up their need if it is clashing with yours ; they don’t share they thoughts and perspectives that are different from their partner which makes them feel like they are losing themselves and the only time they experience their full authentic self is when they are alone. So when they are overwhelmed with everything in relationship revolving around their partner they takes space and experience themselves.
Well it’s still not fair to their partner because their partners never said they can’t disagree or be different than their partners or they can’t take create space for their thoughts feelings opinions perspectives in that relationship. Their partner might not even know that they are holding back so much which their partner never asked for.
Personally in my childhood my mum wasn’t a safe space for me to bring my differences it was kinda enmeshed codependent relationship and that’s how it worked so we learn to do not have enough space for differences and I kinda stuff my side in and letting her side out mostly that’s how it worked. I am learning every day as i am more self aware.
It was never your fault and your need for closeness wasn’t too much and i am sorry that you have been at the receiving end of being with a FA. FA if not self aware might not even know that a relationship has space for both you to bring your authentic selves and the way it worked in childhood is not how it’s supposed to be and they don’t have to hide themselves in their relationship for it to work. They might not even know.
Still i am sorry and those in and out cycles is again not your fault.
@@AditiBishnoi-td7vq What a kind and thoughtful message that you gave to me. Thank you so much God bless you
I’m experiencing unfathomable PTSD after 5 break ups in 8 months with a Disorganized Fearful Avoidant. Thank you Heidi. Your honest humility is healing.
It's been 2.5yrs trying to get over an ex-situationship. My longest length going no contact was 9mths and here I am again feeling all these emotions because I saw him a week ago...and today is his bday, the only thing keeping me from reaching out is knowing how hurtful my on-off again behavior actually is and I'm not capable of being a genuine friend. Thank you for these videos they're very comforting, insightful, and help keep me accountable.
We broke up recently (again), I felt like he betrayed me so I blocked him. I was fine until a month after the breakup, when I started really feeling sad but no one to talk to. I have a friend but I am not able to tell them how I really feel. It’s just very difficult to cry in front of anyone. So I do get the urge to call my ex but I always wait until he’s the one calling me. And once he does call, I go back. But not this time, because I watched this video and finally understand why I’m willing to take him back even though he’s not what I deserve. It’s my inner child patterns. Thank you ❤ Would love a video on how to open up to a friend or how to be vulnerable. Why it’s so hard to cry in front of others but we do it when we’re alone.
This is exactly how I am it is such a. Struggle
Crying, I can't even alone. I had to call my ex a few times to cry on call to her, without actually telling her why am I crying
Did you break it off with him or did he break up with you? I'm in a similar situation.
are we dating the same guy
Relatable
Great video. Thanks. As a 40+ male I've pretty much never "ended" a relationship with a woman because men have a much more difficult time getting intimacy. However I have VERY VERY OFTEN felt like I'm being smothered and I'm losing my autonomy in relationships and withdrawn to the point where the women break up with me. Sort of like "Quiet Quitting". The demands on my personal time become too great for me to deal with. I just want to be alone and do my hobbies and I feel enormous resentment at the constant demands on my time so I just sort of pull back. THis eventually makes the woman mad and she breaks up with me. The worst part is that this causes me great distress because I didn't actually want the relationship to end. I just wanted more boundaries but I felt (or in my head I KNEW) that asking for boundaries/more free time, etc would make the woman mad and she would break up with me anyway.
Then I of course push to remain friends with the woman and then one of two things happens: We start sleeping together again and get back together...causing a repeat of the above pattern and making that woman despise me forever. Or 2 - She rebuffs my attempts to sleep with her again and/or dates other men which hurts me emotionally, again, and I get really mad and cut her off despise the fact that I totally did this to myself.
@@classreductionistYou are basically my fiance. He's doing all of that, acting like I'm smothering him when I merely want a hug or kiss and to feel connected. He acts like he hates me right now. I don't know wtf to do to fix this, it's maddening. I just want to feel like we're on the same page and connect but because of this, in his head he decided I'm the enemy.
@lindsay3793 as someone who is exactly like the other guy and is currently trying to heal and become a more in touch with my true self person. The only thing you can do is bring to light that you are aware of their patterns and that you want sit and talk about what's going on in their head so you can have a better understanding of them. They will fight you and kick and scream that nothing is wrong and that you're just overreacting to him(might even say some really hurtful words). But stay firm on the fact that you want to be there for them and you don't want to see them going down a dark path. But also say that you are not going to sacrifice your boundaries to keep them in this push/pull cycle. With being an FA we have this idea that you're going to leave us so why don't we just push you away now so we can feel like "you didn't fire me I quit". And then we will appear again in your life looking for you to be our safe place again when times are rough. I hope this helps you and I hope you have a great day!
You said you felt that if you mentioned boundaries that they would dump you anyway. So then you didn't actually communicate that? So you withdrew and left them with the emotional distance?
@@54Shadowolf Thanks for your reply, sorry I didn't see it sooner. He discarded me, broke off our engagement, said all sorts of unnecessary, undeserved hateful things to me. I had to move back in with my parents 😱 All I can do is give him the break up... And suffer. I'm effing crushed. Cannot stop obsessing about him (not that I would let him know that). I didn't do anything crazy, didn't blow up his phone, just went away. I am hurting so bad. 💔💀
This is so much gold, I can feel my heart weeping a little cause everything I’ve felt is suddenly making sense 🥺
This video made me feel so understood! I have thought I must be asexual yet I am attracted to people, maybe some weird stranger kink yet I have horrible social anxiety, maybe just a flat out narcissist who love bombs and leaves people in the dust when convenient yet I deeply care about my kids and loved ones. No explanation ever fully encompassed my behavior with men. I was just going over with my sponsor that I feel actual DISGUST once I get close to a guy I am dating and I don't know what's wrong with me. Thank you SOOOOO SO much for this video, it finally described me perfectly when nothing else made sense
My ex who was a complete avoidant studied psychology in college yet still believed whole heartedly that she was secure. That she had no issues, I was the only one that had major issues.. even someone saying that goes to show the amount of self awareness they have .. what to do if someone you care about doesn’t even accept they need to grow, if they believe they’ve already done their growing. She was sooo defensive and always spoke from a place of ego, she had the potential to spread kindness but due to her ego, she hurt me A LOT. There was a lot of making me question my sanity. She even said “i have dementia”. She was hypocritical, she would bring up that one thing I did years ago that “completely shattered” her trust but when I try to reference something that hurt me last week that she did, she would say it’s in the past. It was an absolutely exhausting relationship. I developed panic attacks and would have vivid nightmares every night. and i was in denial for most of it as I’m anxious attachment style.. i bawled and considered even ending my life after she broke up with me over text after 4 years with nothing for me to hold on to, no explanation, no “let’s talk it in person”. I moved on for the most part in 6 days thanks to my amazing circle of faithful friends who I had isolated myself from while in a relationship. But they came through for me, reminding me I wasn’t too much, I wasn’t a burden, I wasn’t terrible like she always made me feel..
just fyi, there are good people who enter that field, but it also pulls in a ton of disordered people. i'm into psychology but decided not to pursue the field. my ex also is interested, and later did, but full blown borderline personality disorder (and suspected narcissistic PD.).... she shared a lot of the things you describe here about your ex. it sounds like she might have had one or both of those as the traits are SUPER common. gaslighting, conflict *escalation* instead of resolution, the appearing lack of self awareness, hypocrisy.
what you went through is one of the hardest thing a person CAN go through in a relationship. it's shattering. you probably still carry trauma from it. hell, a mutual friend of ours who is now solely my good friend, even 10yrs later is some ptsd. it's just.... a lot. all of it.
something you may find helpful is the reddit threads for partners of BPD or Narcs.... people relay experiences they are currently in or ones they HAD been in. seeing that you aren't alone, understanding it's NOT you, it's them, and will happen to whomever they are close to.... it can give you perspective. it all makes perfect sense when you realize there might be specific disorders involved and you can stop "making sense of it" by blaming yourself.
@@lurklingX Not at all meant as an offense, but this reply itself sounds like it came from a place of ego. The original comment is focused on how horrid the ex was - whether or not the ex had mental issues is beside the point because even IF she didn't have mental issues she'd still have been acting like a manipulative ass. Because those with neurotypical brains and non-traumatic childhoods can behave like assholes either way.
In addition, those who consistently work on themselves despite mental issues have far greater potential to be secure rather than those who condemn anyone with mental issues solely for not having been born into a safe childhood/having a neurotypical brain. There is a false idea that having mental issues cannot be recovered from nor can said people be reasonable. This idea makes it difficult for people with mental issues to find resources that would help subdue any disordered patterns of cognition, due to the world at large believing that they're a hopeless cause. It can be a cycle that leads to harm for any side involved.
I'm sorry you've been through that, it's great news how you have support to turn to. Her actions are reminiscent of gaslighting techniques.
@@pugjuice8462 sounds more like you just got triggered. you also read a lot into what i was saying.
anyone who works on themselves will be stronger. and yes, neurotypical AND not can both act like @ssholes.
i also find it hilarious you are making assumptions as to whether i am neurotypical or not. (i'm not)
i won't apologize for mentioning mental illness as a potential factor to be cognizant of, as i think it plays part in a greater number of relationships than people realize. that's not a condemning of people with mental issues - which is how you seemed to take it and why i said you seemed triggered. perhaps you are unaware of the absolute AGONY of being in a relationship with untreated mental illness and everything gets chaotic and nonsensical and you are constantly second-guessing yourself or being gaslit?
so whatever. ego? pfft.
i think some of these rships can actually be saved, with awareness, treatment, therapy. and awareness and therapy would be great for EVERYONE.
but go ahead and create a narrative about me to suit yourself, i guess.
🤷
@@lurklingX People with any diagnosis are really different, please don't put a stigma on a diagnosis. those who decides to search for help are already pretty aware people that care for themselves and others. it doesn't help to stigmatize things. toxic people are unaware people that don't care, I know people with BPD who really work on themselves.
28:11 I'm so happy for you, Heidi, that you've made it and you're in so much better place!🥰I feel proud for all your progress - I'm sure that was quite a journey for you! Thank you so much for sharing what you've learned - it helps us tremendously and you're doing an excellent job! 👌♥
Heidi, that part at the end about how you are able to talk about this on a RUclips channel now and about how it will feel like going through hell... wow. Thank you thank you thank you for doing this 🩷
This sucks cause you dont really know you have issues until you're in a relationship that exposes that you do!
I just want to be happy. Learing and seeking therapy.😪
This is how I relate in relationships with men. I can be vulnerable with friends no problem. When I start to date a man it's like my brain becomes scrambled and I'm hijacked by intense anxiety attacks, need to end the relationship. Boundaries are difficult as I feel once I've agreed to something there no way back then I'm trapped and I'm climbing the walls with anxiety, can't sleep/ eat and the only way to cope is end the relationship. Yes there's been trauma not awful longterm, I guess enough to have developed these coping strategies which are anything but! In therapy I would say I don't know how to be in a relationship. I have had one very important longterm relationship with an older man who passed away, it was very intense and passionate on both sides, very calm no drama , never felt overwhelmed or trapped. Safe loved, taken care, affection, physically tactile. Since his death when I like a man is available, i don't know what to do with his compliments, interest it feels too much. Yet I feel lonely and do feel incredibly upset emotionally and grieve each time another relationship ends. 😔
I relate to this so much. For so long I felt like the only person who struggled with this.
wow guys i also relate. thank you so much for your share
🎯
I am going through this, I just recently felt well and solid on my own and then a relationship showed up and I feel these things and like some one just stuck a straw in me and sucked all the work I’ve done for myself back out. It’s very disregulating and the worst time of year for my mental health to manage more things well. Your comment was very relatable I feel unable to talk about it because other people assume it’s great. And instead I suddenly find myself on an emotional rollercoaster without context.
@@lyndseygolden7546 I feel for you.
Wow, wow, wow, wowwww! You are such a huge blessing and light in this universe! Thank you so much for contribution and expression of self. This is the second video I have watched from you and I need to say I was feeling so stuck and confused in my current relationship with my partner that I've been dating for a year now and these videos have brought me so much clarity, peace and hope in myself. I could not express how profound the knowledge in your videos have been for me. Thank you from the depth of my being.
I wrote a lot so if you aren’t willing to read it all- I guess I really just want to know how to be there for my wife who has a fearful avoidant attachment-during a separation.
I am a recovering anxious attachment person. Recently my wife (fearful avoidant) has decided that we should go our separate ways. Mainly because there was a lot of trauma in my past that I never dealt with that caused me to hurt her in many ways. I feel as though I was the first person she ever completely opened up to, over and over again. But I wasn’t in a place to ever understand her and consistently treat her in the way she needed. I ended up hurting her many times over. During this separation, we have been on a very limited contact situation. We would only talk about our daughter. However, during this separation, I’ve done a LOT of personal growth and through it all, I still feel as though I want to be with her. However, she hasn’t been able to do much work on herself because she hasn’t found a therapist that she likes and has kind of thrown herself into work. I don’t know how intimate her relationships with the other people in her life have gotten. But from what I know about their relationships, it’s never really been as intimate as she’s needed (and that’s before we were going through a separation). She came to visit a while ago and things went GREAT. After the trip, we started talking more and had one really deep conversation. After that, it’s like she ghosted me. I’m willing to fight for this relationship through times like these. But after watching this video I think I realize that she has a lot to figure out on her own. If anyone was brave enough to read all of this, I greatly appreciate it!
She’s probably scared AF to open up again. Esp to someone who’s hurt her over and over again. And it hurts more when the person who knows you don’t have a lot of ppl to turn to hurts you. It makes you feel like you can never trust them the same cuz now you’re always questioning how real it is or if you’re actually waiting for more hurt to come. There’s always that wall that’s there now. She prob wants to be vulnerable again but can’t because she’s protecting her heart
She def got scared. She (probably) felt what you felt and then her subconscious mind triggered her into going into protective mode since you hurt her so many times. I would send her some Thais Gibson videos on attachment styles about anxious attatchment that explains you very well and say what you learned from it and how learning about your attachment style helped you grow as a person. And maybe she will feel like checking out some of this type of information on her own. If you do pursue with the intention of getting her back you have to becareful not to get triggered yourself as an AA because it will trigger her Dismissive side.
Exavier I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was the AA and my husband was the FA. We separated and I started to get therapy and learned how to honor my feelings and needs. I worked with Adam Lane Smith to heal my attachment and went from Anxious to Secure. Heal your own wounds and learn how to be in a proper relationship with God, yourself, and others.
Give her time , she will come back .…. Fesrful avoidant here .
@@gacem.hassina Do they come back if they started a new (potentially rebound-like) relationship? And if they say they love the new person and want to be vulnerable with them (after only 4-8 weeks of going out vs 8 years with me)?
This is so interesting! I definetely have this ego mentality of 'I can survive the cold like no other' and then getting crazy limerent and needy once I reach my limits. I have discovered that I am fearful avoidant thanks to you and my life makes so much more sense now. I need a better support system and I need to keep on developping self care habits and nurturing environments. Thanks for making all this manageable so I can have faith I can move forward in reality and not spending most of my time in fantasy land. I love you ❤
Did you get better?
Really brilliant stuff. Logically I see/understand why I do what I do, but emotionally I almost have no control over my own feelings. Sometimes it's like I'm on the inside looking out trying to mother an unruly child. My intentions are never bad but I still hurt other people and myself. Loneliness is like a sickness. Thank you for shining a light on this subject.
Just wow. Thank you for bringing this so, humane. I felt like an outlier my whole life. Like I just don't seem to fit the box. A loner but not a loner. Convinced I will be alone my whole life, but like having a lot of friends anyway, and a lot of people who love me. Graduated from University in 2017, having a masters in Business Economics, but hated every bit of it. Started my own coaching business, recently started University again studying Physiotherapy, never satisfied, so exhausting sometimes. Recently got to know a girl, someone who genuinly loves me, for me. It's crazy, it's scary. I just cannot understand why. So, in my exam stress, I started pushing her away. I feel terrible about it. My search of how this happens brought me to this attachment style. It all makes sense. My abusive dad in my childhood, a rough divorce of my parents. Hoping to work on this, life's to short to be alone. Happiness is only real when shared. Thank you so much! Appreciated!
Thank you Heidi for humanizing the avoidant experience. I’m familiar with my own avoidant attachment style and have made progress on it over the years, but hearing someone actually describe it from the inside really helps to lessen the pressure and the burden of needing to change, and helps me feel less alone.
I was interested in learning about attachment theory for years and have read many books about it. I'm just learning that I'm a fearful avoidant with an anxious lean. It's the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with. Thank you for your videos on this subject. I feel so understood finally.
Wow this has hit me in a lot of ways. The man I loved asked why I wouldn't open up....why I acted like I was just to cool for it all. I wondered too but I thought it was just me. Now I see IT IS dysfunction. I have early childhood trauma but I thought I dealt with it. I have lots of friends but grew up far from family. I always want to reach out to my ex but I don't have anything to say. It's for comfort which is selfish so I'm trying to stop....and I'm afraid to try with him again bc I don't have the skills to deal with the things he does that trigger me.
Thank you for this video and speaking as an actual avoidant.
I always knew there was something wrong with me but didn't know how to describe it I am a fearful avoidance who has broken many hearts 💔 Now I know why. I was abused badly as a teenager emotionally and physically by my father, but hexwas my friend, my mother was never there for me. Am a messed up now I know what it is. The only difference with me is I never went back to any relationship, except my dad after my mother passed when I was 23. He helped me strangely enough, was I cured heck no! I have walked away from every relationship I ever had, now I know why. Heidi thank you so much as others have said I believe you have saved my life!!!🎉
Around the exact date this video came out I just went through a breakup with someone I'm deeply in love with who (unfortunately I realized too late after the fact) shows this pattern. On my part, up to this point I had managed to keep my own opposite anxiety more or less under control until I went a bit too overboard one evening (I panicked) and she shut me completely out. I realized I was powerless and the only thing I could do is leave her completely alone. I have been cykling from intense heartache and back again to a strange reassurance that she will open her heart again the way she did from the start. Watching this explained from the inside out is really helpful, but also somewhat frustrating. I mean, there's part of me screaming out "Come on! Why does it need to be so complicated!?". Of course I know why. We all have our scars on the soul, some more than others. These explanations really help me be even more empathetic towards her, and also even more patient.
I did send her a nice hand-written letter on nice paper and expressing lots of tender feelings and thoughts to wrap things up a bit yet leaving them also open. A kind of half goodbye standing in an open doorway. Part of me hopes she'll be reminded of how well I treated and supported her and maybe we'll have another shot.
I just really hope we can fix this again, because I think the world of her. 😥
I could have written this exactly. It's difficult being split between trying to move on and holding hope for a possibility of mending things. Looking for answers about what went wrong. These kinds of problems are fixable, but only if both people are aware and willing. And if not, we must respect that. Either way, it can be used as an opportunity to grow and be wiser in the future.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 sorry you went through that and good on you for doing what's best.
I want to tell you that sometimes the more "good" and reassuring the partner is, the more we run. We run because we think we don't deserve you, because we know we will ultimately hurt you, because we can't live up to who you are or what you are offering us...
@@sinisterkitty8411 thank you so much for this.
Your videos have a way making me feel seen, devastated, and hopeful all at once. I have spent my entire life in the military. Stoicism is the emotional language, until it can’t be anymore and the anxious side blows up everything. I am working through this and your videos are a huge help. Thank you.
I had never realized how fearful-avoidant I actually was before watching this. It's a nice feeling to be seen, and it's a great feeling to see I'm already doing so much to heal, and a lot of the advice I already kinda figured out naturally, hoping the unintegrated stuff will help out in the current storm. Here's hoping I can navigate this storm a bit more steadily. Thank you so much Heidi for sharing this.
So so grateful for this, this is absolutely my pattern. I fall in love quickly, I start to feel stifled and then I abruptly break it off... I usually feel good about being independent again and then, after a while, that person creeps back into my mind, and if they have moved on from me or found another partner, I absolutely lose my mind and desperately try to get them back.
I know this is a horribly manipulative and unfair pattern and I've been really working on myself to be more secure in my attachments and to build real lasting friendships.
I have a ton of childhood trauma, and have always been a loner, and then when a partner fails to meet all of my emotional needs, I just decide I'm better off alone.
Now I know why my therapist always wants me to focus on my younger self. If anyone else has a pattern like this I'd love to know what you do to heal from it.
Someone like you just broke up with me. But I will bide my time and hope she'll return again, because despite all of this she's the most wonderful person I've ever met and I think the world of her.
@@fedoralexandersteeman6672 I'm sorry, friend, sometimes some time apart makes us realize what we lost. Either way, be your first priority right now!
I too was left few weeks ago by someone who's like that.
Every time our intimacy rises he gets into flee or flight mode.
I don t blame him it's coping mechanisms, just hope he finds a way to exit this pattern and reach peace.
You can look into NLP therapy or the Sedona method here on RUclips.
@@thanjay1867 Thank you! I hope she will come into contact with her actually strong feelings for me again in the not all too distant future. With all the love she expressed towards and the connection we felt, I cannot imagine otherwise, but it's hard to see whether she herself can overcome it. In any case, I have to work on my self now, and work on my own AP tendencies that got in the way of this wonderful thing we had together.
It’s evil to keep interfering with her new relationships if you have no intention of committing yourself to making it work with her. She has a biological clock and only has a limited amount of time to find a decent partner and start a family. LEAVE HER ALONE
Oh my gosh. I’m almost 60 and have been struggling since my divorce with 3 long term relationships where I showed up as a fearful avoidant. Thank you for the language and insights that I will use on my journey of healing. ❤
Well, sounds like I’m a fearful-avoidant… This was extremely helpful for me. Thank you!
Grieving has been a pattern. I feel like I am doing nothing but grieving! I love this video ❤
That's what I am feeling as an anxious style person, broken up with avoidants, over and over.
@@MissSarahGM wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy life instead of grieving what was lost?
@@annmalone8208 Yes, I know.. I have done things to enjoy life, trip and meet people.. But I have this melancholia that can't help but missing my FA ex and what we had.
Hope you find peace and acceptance too ❤
@@MissSarahGM Thank you and to you as well
Thank you for talking about these issues with insight and compassion. As someone with FA attachment I feel very seen and that hope is not lost!
THANK YOU! I'm dealing with someone like this now, she will say and do anything to say the relationship we had didn't mean anything even though we've been together for 7 months almost non stop. At this point I have to put some serious distance between us so she can really get that you can't just treat people like that and therapy will and can go along way to maintain healthy relationship. She would drive me up the wall one day saying "I love you and I feel safe with you." Then the next day this isn't serious, I like you like a friend we'd fight and get back together things would be good then she'll dismantle the relationship in a weeks time.
@@sabiofilosofo1306 same man. Same. I don’t like how I’m reacting to her and how she treats me. I’m at the point of getting that she’s not for me. It’s easier to say that from the outside, but not when you’re inside dealing with it.
Wtf sorry to hear thst
I grew up being so shamed for my (what I know now to be) normal childish needs for comfort and protection that I had no idea how to be vulnerable with others as an adult. Eventually it would always come out as an exploding 4 year old having a tantrum, which perpetuated the cycle of shame. The loneliness has been a constant and so painful that I’ve often wished myself dead. Fortunately about 5 years ago I found people like you and books and I started doing the work of educating myself and trying out new behaviour. I’m still learning, but at least I have some better connections and I’m still learning daily.
Wow. I knew I was avoidant but never realized that actually I"m fearful-avoidant. This video has described to a "t" my 13 year on-again-off-again relationship. And many relationships before that one. I"m just stunned by this video. Thank you so much for your guidance on how to heal and get out of this pattern. You are literally saving my life. Thank you.
Wow. Just wow. This is me. How sad that Ive been living this way my whole life and feeling completely beweildered by life.
Hi Heidi. I can’t explain how much this helps me. Thank you for bringing warmth to the world. And thank you for having the courage and confidence to speak about your own experience. You’re a star!
I cannot thank you enough for this video and your insight. You are so incredibly wise and I am so grateful to the universe for putting your video on my suggestions. I needed this. This was so clearly me. I never had words describe my experience so accurately. Thank you for what you do, you rock! We are warriors and healing is tough but so worth it, thank you so much for that reminder and for your point of view as someone with the fearful avoidant attachment who has healed and moved beyond old patterning. Sending you all my gratitude and so many blessings. 🙏🏼💗🌈☀️
Oh my god, this video has so many “that’s what’s been going on” epiphany moments.
And I wanna agree with a top comment: it did make me feel so seen. Some of the phrases hit very deep, because they were explaining some of my behaviors with such an undeniable clarity
I identify as very strongly FA. I'm sevenish months out from a deactivation and subsequent break-up, one I know was right for me, but I'm trying to find a way to get my head right so I don't do this again. This is very helpful to start contemplating a coupled future, one that I have wanted all my life, without setting us up for failure.
I wouldn’t say there is anything to change for you to be in this relationship except having the lack of confidence to tell that person that you two don’t belong together…being fearful avoidant is just the way you manifest your distaste for that person…and your probably someone who doesn’t like the confrontation of the breakup phase so you become avoidant in hopes that they will end it first…secure people are just people who know what they want and don’t want and are better at walking away…you just have a hard time being lonely and bored so you think it’s best to go back! When you shouldn’t because that person is not the one for you! Hope that makes sense.
I like the mercy and kindness you've expressed towards FAs. There's a lot of villifying any avoidant attachment folks and a little compassion goes a long way. The part about developing language to express one's self resonates with me.
You have shed sooooo much light on my most recent relationship. These are his patterns but I did not have a “name” for the behavior…we would get really close and like clockwork, he’d run.
For years i’ve been searching for an explanation on what i went through in my last relationship. It has dawned on me that we are both fearful avoidant. My mind is blown. Anyways, after this video it sounds like FAs have a lot of growing up to do. It’s hard to accept the hard facts. I’ve been putting in the work to better myself and control my triggers. You get thrown wrenches left and right in today’s dating world and society.
Thank you Heidi. You described my experience so accurately. I cried while watching this, but I guess that just means I am learning to grieve :) This was a wonderful reminder that I need to get myself more comfortable with vulnerability in my friend group. Its haaaaarrrdddd but necessary.
OMG.. this is me 1000x over all 54yrs of my life. God bless you for making this ,video . When these tears stop I'm gonna listen to it again and try to make some life changes i never knew Why I just knew nothing ever last for me in relationships. I'd try over over with same until neither us could bare anymore. But you Nailed it..all of it. Wishing could afford to move to wherever you counsel.. lol. Frfr. I know what I need to seek out tools an skills to work on at least. Thank you sooo much
Thanks so much Heidi. I’d love a video on how to develop vulnerable relationships with friends as an FA
@@GoodVictory24 healing is incredibly painful, I think someone has to be ready and has to come to that decision on their own. Maybe they would try by an outside motivation but it could be short-lived, because it really needs the long term dedication and usually years of work around trauma and often other things.
@@GoodVictory24 well, I understand...you can't predict how they will react but I think that being able to communicate openly is important and being an FA myself (not so much anymore due to long-term healing) I must say that I brought the topic of attachment to my friends and they did not get defensive. Maybe it's better to talk about this more like about an interesting psychological theory than something that will make them think that you're saying "that's your way of being flawed". I'm sending support to you stranger. 🤗
Actually, I'm having my best friend pair up with me soon to discuss exactly this in a video! :)
11:20 how to break out of it
Breaking up but still being friends 12:25
19:20 work on developing bonds with other people
21:35 finding an attachment therapist
22:05 showing more of my vulnerable self and less of my ego self
Wow you exactly described an ex-friend of mine. Our friendship ended, and on my part, I was willing to be open and vulnerable, but he was like you said: "too cool for feelings."
He always kept it superficial, had a good sense of humor, so he was always able to keep things light. He didn't have a good relationship with his mother who was emotionally neglectful, and that's why he has superficial relationships with women.
His life is fast-paced and exciting, like you described. He is always traveling or working, so he subconsciously structures his life in a way where there isn't time to reflect or process his feelings. He is completely the opposite of me, which is why I didn't understand him one bit, until I learned about attachment styles: now everything makes sense.
I think he's completely unaware of his emotional issues. Because he doesn't reflect (thinks talking about yourself is solipsistic), he'll never change. Good thing I let go of the friendship as I don't think he'll ever change.
sounds more like an avoidant
@@CamilleMarielle yes - my partner is avoidant, I’d say I’m fearful avoidant & do have more cptsd. He basically sails through life unbothered by much! Certainly not by other people’s behaviour or emotions. I get very little emotional validation from him.
@@universaltruth2025 sounds tough when emotional validation feels so vital for us with CPTSD/fearful-avoidants. I hope you find ways to give yourself that validation or via other support 🙏🏻 self hugs are my thing! Xx
@@CamilleMarielle Thanks. Yes I will definitely try more now & know I do need to rely on myself! I think learning about attachment styles may be the missing piece in the puzzle for me. I could never figure out why my husband seemed so unbothered by things and unfazed if I (or anyone) was emotionally upset. I thought maybe he was narcissistic but now I think he’s more just avoidant. I could never understand it before. There did seem to be something always missing in his relationship with me & others. It has seemed very superficial a lot of the time & missing the connection of deeper relationships I seem to see other people experiencing. Tg I am not going to spend the next 30 years expecting any deep connection & validation!! I think a lot of people in my life have been the same - avoidant - my father, mother & brother included. But my father and brother had a big dose of narcissism in there along with it. My mother is probably fearful/avoidant or avoidant as well. Looking back her emotional connection often felt manipulative rather than genuine. Like she knew the things to say or do to get a child (me) to settle down /behave/comply etc. But she didn’t really ever feel comfortable having a genuine deep connection (‘expressing emotional intimacy’). I always got the unspoken message from my family that having & expressing negative emotions was stupid, & was a big waste of time & energy that was better spent doing something useful. I suppose there is some truth to that, the trouble is some of us can’t ignore our negative emotions so easily. Thanks for your reply I think life might improve a bit from this point!! Xx
The way you in particular articulate fearful avoidant has made the most sense to me. Here I was thinking I was secure. But very very slowly I've been becoming aware of my discomfort with vulnerability and what I call "suspicious until proven innocent". And my tendency to not want to compromise with my life plans independence and routines Others word things in such a removed way and there'd no comparison to ither types so I never thought it was me. This has been very insightful.
This is the second video on fearful-avoidant that I've watched just today and I'm exhausted from the emotional process. It's all true. So grateful this is here to take in and allow to simmer. And to know it's not just me. Excited for more videos.
"Making the world a place that you belong in".
A shot to the heart. This explains a lot about why I hold so bad onto the unique relationships that once meant the world to me and surprisingly maybe still do. As a FA, I think I fall into both 'cool life' and 'psychology geek above feelings' categories. And thanks for acknowledging that we don't actually need drama or any of that shit, it's revolting to our very core. It's been unspeakably hard, but I'm learning to let people come a little closer every time without shattering my whole system anymore, and I'm proud of myself for that even thought it still looks like one-step-forward-two-steps-back sort of a dynamic. And I'm actually loving boundaries, only wish I hadn't waited too long to have my whole energy and enthusiasm for life gone in their absence. But "there is a way in hell for me too"😏
I love and resonate deeply with pretty much every line of this comment. I appreciate the humility you have in this approach - it really does feel like one step forward, two steps back at times. But it sounds like you're getting somewhere very worthwhile. Proud of us both ❤
Same here..
i blame it on my star sign Sagittarius 😂
Heidi, wish you were still making content. You have really opened my eyes at 30 years old. I’ve also realized I need to switch my therapist closer to someone who is as straight forward as you are.
It’s like you are verbalizing thoughts straight from my mind that I’ve never known how to put into words. Thank you!
You are now my new therapist. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you for sharing your own vulnerability, it really really helps 🙏❤️
I love the way you articulate and unpack fearful avoidant. Very helpful, thank you.
👏👏 amazing..! I've recently split with a girl who was abused by her own "dad" since a child including last year when I was dating her.. when her unsolved trauma and C-PTSD came to the surface it was the hardesttttttt mentally challenging situation I've ever been through at age of 33! I wish I seen these videos before we cut contact a few days ago..my head is still spinning it's destroyed my life and outlook. Pleaseeee can you do a video for couples in this situation to watch together and help them overcome the struggles and communication stages.. the love I have for her and she has for me wasn't the issue we split, would have done anything to help her get out of her old life and be trusting and safe enough to help her! 😭
From my experience a lot of trauma started to appear in my 30s. Maybe its the decade that memories start to surface and strong emotions come up but we don’t have the knowledge to know how to understand or cope with them. I think a therapist would be needed in you partner’s case.
@@universaltruth2025 first time she was treated right and loved and been loved.. he went around and started abusing her in a flat they owned that she moved into to get away from his drinking and abusive behaviour with mum etc.. it triggered her as it hadn't happened for a while..he used it as an excuse to punish her. Unfortunately she's wrapped up with living hope church and the people she goes to for help don't know the full truth and basically it's all too messy! He has her back and locked up now after finding out about us.. I've done all I can, even told his brother so hoping someone breaks her free of this life
This video is so informative and thorough. Thank you for your honesty and making this.
Now if only the fearful avoidant person I know wasn't also a liar, covert narcissistic, and actually wanted to improve themself, maybe this video could have helped them too.....
This is me. It was painful to watch this because I never want to be the cause of someone else’s pain but it finally put a description to a part of me I never knew how to describe. I am so eager to heal and leave this pattern behind me.
Thank you - for your wisdom beyond your years and for your vulnerability. I am deeply moved... and finally moving ...
I have watched this video a few times, saved, and subscribed because this is the first time I have heard my EXACT feeling toward dating expressed and strung together in an approachable manner. I have never been able to identify my insecurity with dating or why my behavior was so different. I've looked towards books and professional suggestions, but your first ten minutes summarized ten-plus years of dating for me. The past few days with me relistening to your breakdown has helped tremendously with me having a breakthrough. Thank you. You are doing the Lord's work!😇
Do you have any further reading dedicated to this topic?
Heide Preibe and Patrick Teahan are the best on Yoy Tube. Hard to hear sometimes, but great info and tools for practice and healing.