This Trauma Wound Makes You Crave Love, Then Run Away
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- Опубликовано: 4 янв 2024
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Some people are insecure and anxious in relationships - this is a style of attachment where you constantly seek validation and love because you can’t stop fearing the person will leave. Some people have a more avoidant attachment style: They don’t like commitment, they can seem cold, and they can be quick to leave relationships as soon as it gets uncomfortable. But the hardest attachment style of all - where a person is both fearful AND avoidant - what is called “disorganized attachment." In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who swings between her intense longing for love and then shutting down and pulling away.
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Thank you for so much relevant helpful information. You are awesome!
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
definitely need more videos on disorganized attachment
@@rosetaylor3717 I do watch Thais Gibson however I don’t think Crappy Childhood Fairy is being discouraging
@@rosetaylor3717 you have a bad opinion
I've ruined every relationship in my life because of my childhood. I wish things could have been different but now that I'm older, I'm glad I don't have kids and the baggage that comes with relationships.
These types of interactions don't just happen in romantic situations. Getting close in platonic relationships can result in the approach- avoid reaction. It is so lonely.
Real LOVE IS when the two people care consistently and lovingly for each other
I understand what she means by "positive" inappropriate attention because I used to say the same thing. I was ignored and neglected by both parents and my only love source was my cat, but without any positive affe tion from parents, I truly thought, though inappropriate, certain kinds of attention felt positive, especially if the person was "nice" about it or told me something nice. I hope that makes sense.
Me too. I suffered neglect and lack of affection and attention as a child, so when an older man singled me out and made me feel special, I was ripe for his eventual abuse. It seemed like 'positive' attention at the time. No wonder we fearful-avoidants are screwed up relationally. It's like a curse...craving, yet fleeing, from love at the same time...
How about starting as friends? A good friendship is worthwhile in itself. If it becomes a significant partnership, good for you. But if it doesn't, hopefully you have that friendship between you.
Great video. These basic truths are evident to so many people but we people with cptsd need to be taught things like what love actually is. Not many people outside of a therapists office will teach you these things because its assumed you "should know" but what happens when you don't?
Sadly we have to learn through mistakes. Or actively educating ourselves with videos like these, books etc
I have disorganized attachment and I've come a long way since I've figured that out. You go, Rain (this also happens to be my nickname incidentally 🤭)! Healing is possible and it's in your future. It might get rough at times, but it'll all be worth it in the end, sister ) :)
Great advice for Rain. My heart goes out to her. It’s so challenging when you want to get involved with someone but know it’s in your best interest to do the healing work first.
Exactly this 😢 it actually feels like a punishment: I so want and need love but I don't 'deserve' it right now because I cannot show up properly in a relationship and need to work on myself. However, this is when I need love and support the most. So I feel punished in some way. That's what it feels like. It's hard to get past that. But I'm sure if we try and we hold on, we will get rewarded (by self-love and true love from and towards others)
@@JudithLindekens-sc3nk I’m so sorry you feel this way. You do deserve love, you’re just not ready for a relationship yet. The great thing is, you’ve realized this & it sounds like you’re ready to work on yourself. That is self-awareness & self-love. Surround yourself with good friends who can love you through this time of your life. Imagine your future partner is doing the same thing. When the time is right & you’ve done the healing work, then you’ll come together! 😊💖
@@JudithLindekens-sc3nkthis is so relatable
Some things I've struggled in my journey too. This reminds me of when I was younger and met a wonderfully nice guy whom I really liked. I flirted with him but then it hit me somehow very hard (and it was just towards him) that I just can't continue with him at that time because I would hurt him. I somehow felt it, how it would hurt him deeply and I just couldn't allow it to happen. I wasn't in a stable place back then, and did some not so nice choices. So I told him, that we should just be friends. He didn't understand but honored my wish. I worked my mind so that I could be ok for not ever having him, even though the thought of him with someone else made me a bit sad and jealous. Year and a more went by, and I was done with some stuff in my life. I wasn't totally healed, not at all, but more ready to have a real relationship. We met again (we had had some loose connection) and started slowly seeing each other. Today we have been over ten years together and have a child. Had I started dating him at the first time, we surely wouldn't be here now. But I did have to make peace with the idea too that he would move on with someone else. This maybe was meant to be, and a lot of my healing is also due to this stable relationship. Maybe that stop I had with him and not with some others meant that he is someone I care for deeply.
This attachment style is also called “Fearful Avoidant” there are Tons of videos and articles out there!! Been looking heavily into this since I realized that this was my attachment style. I have not sought out counseling yet but I do think being self aware and that there are many more people like me out there is comforting. However it is extremely difficult to overcome I still have tons of negative thoughts and feelings that come up as most F/A’s like myself have serious “Rejection Sensitivity”. I know from my personal experiences when these Negative Thoughts come up I try with everything I have NOT to react in the moment and that once you settle down you realize yet again those negative feelings are not true and to not listen to them.
If you are here for healing, YOU MATTER and you'll find safe comfort here. Don't give up on the healing you deserve. ❤
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Him "ignoring her back" is a red flag too
Is it though, he’s probably embarrassed and wondering why the change in temperament. He ended up mirroring her, probably best in a work environment.
Yes, but we’re also being told things from the writers point of view. It’s possible he was giving her space.
Prayers for Rain as I can feel her pain...as I've struggled with anxiety for many years. But Jesus is the healer of the brokenhearted.
This came up at exactly the right time for me, as I'm in a similar situation but where I already did hurt the other person in a months long on/off relationship. I long to get my needs met, I feel they're not met, so I blow up over something small, ditch him with the excuse that he's a narcissist, and then regret my actions completely and try to get him back. Only positive point is that at that point I truly see and understand how I've impacted him, hurt him, and I can truly understand his feelings and have his best interest at heart. But the most painful thing here is that I know, which is confirmed once again by this video, that I have work to do on my own cptsd and if I actually do care about him, I will let him go right now. Also, if I care about me, I let him go and work on loving myself. That's so, so, so hard to do.
It's really good to see that people are self-aware nowadays. Such a relief and it helps everyone so much
Disorganized attachment...all this time and I never knew. Thank you.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Personally, I'd bring up my struggles in conversation and see if that's a journey they want to take as friends. That seems like a reasonable start.
Anna, are you a witch doctor? this is the exact situation I am in. Wanting to meet people, and knowing as soon as we start talking, I will run away
You’re not alone in that
Anna, I appreciate that you advocated for honest communication with the love interest in question. I think that giving context to the rejection he received will at the very least take away the sting and confusion, but it also shows him that she cares about his feelings, that she's honest, responsible, able to accept accountability, empathetic and is able to be vulnerable with him about her wounds. Not only are such qualities attractive, they're critical to any healthy relationship, platonic or otherwise. It certainly warrants respect and could lead to a healthy friendship.... someday maybe more.
I was diagnosed with this. Thanks for this video. I would love to learn more.
Wow...such a great video, Anna...I've never heard of disorganised attachment style. I love how you support 12 step programs. Thank you for all you do, Anna ❤
Great video!!! This video was really interesting for me to watch - as somebody who got into a relationship w/ someone who hadn't worked through a lot of trauma yet -- and I have to say it has really done a number on me as someone who also has c=ptsd and has done a good amount of work but of course is still healing. I'm 4 years into my relationship and while there are so many good things - I feel like I've spent 3 of those years holding on for dear life and trying to figure out how to freaking relax. I wish I would have hit the pause button once I realized I was spiraling into trigger/ survival mode and now I honestly don't know what to do bc it feels really unfair and oddly-timed to be like..I need a break for us to work on things. Maybe moreso ME now ..as she's worked through a lot. But I feel like a total wreck w/ no desire to white knuckle through even mild stressors that I now have no capacity for.
Ana, your spot-on firmness compared with kindness is always a breeze of fresh air.
You are amazing,
I am your fan! :)
This video helped me realize that I still have work to do... 👍🏻🥺
Great! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Off topic; your haircut & the way you style your hair is immaculate 😍❤️
Such a warm and kind video. I love it.
I’m struggling with this and I’m doing the daily practice mixed with internal family systems model. I truly hope this heals my heart but I’ve felt hopeless about love a long time
a really sweet guy has shown he’s clearly into me, there’s been no issues just clear flirting between us both. i have been working on myself before this and i noticed that i tend to crush on people that don’t like me at all, this feels so new and very fresh, im excited as well as have my guard up. but i feel slightly like a flower? a small amount of my petals have opened up , i’m worried that once he gets to know me and all of my issues he won’t like me because we met through a tournament (we do the same sport) which is where i’m at my best , as in, i have energy and im not in a depressive episode vs my average day to day. i have a disorganized attachment and would really appreciate any advice on how to heal it. i believe this connection has a strong potential to be amazing if i can do some more introspection
I’m 1:35 in and hollering LIMERANCE
I am very confused about why we consider this guy a potential good person. Apart from the woman who sent the letter daydreaming about him and the fact that he is a single dad, what else do we know that indicates he is great? In real life, I know plenty of horrible men whose wives filed for divorces because they weren't doing any childcare or house work, they were ungrateful, coming home to just play video games or flirt with women online and now the same men are self-identifying as ''single dads'' (the classic covert narcissist tale where he somehow always ends up the victim). He could also have been a bad partner. Also, what's up with sending the friend to ask if the woman is interested? Last time I saw someone doing this, I was 13 in junior high. Why can't an adult man approach a woman respectfully and shows he is interested? He sounds very immature for his age. What if the woman who sent the letter does not have insecure attachment, but it was her intuition trying to warn her to avoid him?
I highly doubt she’s secure.
Holy smokes, do I ever relate to this one. I've basically resigned myself for the last 12 years to spending the rest of my life alone because for so long, I left a path of destruction behind me and I can't justify even considering it. I'm determined to heal but at my age (67), I really don't think I want to have another relationship. Never say never, I guess, but God would have to hit me upside the head (metaphorically, of course) for that to change.
I am also up in years, had similar feelings. And God is doing something amazing in me. I feel that when we roll up our sleeves and do the healing work, God honors that effort. And we need to honor God by not trying to make things 'work' at a half-way point. See it through. With any worthy goal, it's gonna take some time and effort.
With me, I decided to get going now -- so that I can have a few good years, before it's too late down the road.
@@JB-pk3bz TY for that solid message for us late bloomers 🌹
lol I relate to rain,, but gosssshhhhh healing is so much work, truly a full time job
One of your best videos, Anna. Thank you
I tried to break up with my boyfriend twice for stupid reasons. I’m lucky he even decide to forgive me. I’m trying to be much more aware of my reactions and take a lot of time to think about it before I say or do impulsive things
I had many friends like this . I used to be the person who my friends will call the night before and ask for me to make something for their kid school sale day ,I will always do it no matter how difficult it was for me . I gave everything for my friends but after I divorced my abusive husband, he told everyone I had cheated him with someone else and they all believed him .the entire community will walk pass me and just gossip and whispering to each other. I have been broken soo bad for the last 5 years . I have given my heart 100% belongs to God and I cannot trust anyone because of what I've been through.
Healing takes time as does learning to trust once trust has been destroyed. Go slow. Look for the roads signs. Good things take patience. Find someone who is willing to go slow...maybe a female friend first??
LOL not this girl reading my life for me...I'm so glad I am not the only one who went through this exact scenario. She basically wrote my letter for me. Creating our own limerance smh
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
🙌🏻 Superb advice. So many similarities with my childhood/adulthood and the letter writer ✍🏻.
Thank you for this video.
Well, something to this effect: Not really sure how to “do it”, how to connect, have a relationship.
Learning, though.
Monastic, yes, for a while, while healing.
Awesome video
Great video ❤️you help so much 💖thank you
I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
But I have always heard and read that to heal you need to be in a relationship with a secured individual and work on it together.
I've always heard that, too. And I think for most people, it's a fairly safe gamble. But for those of us who have endured significant trauma, it's potentially damaging to not only ourselves, but others. And by others, I mean not only the person you're dating, but all relationships in your life; children, friends, family, work, etc.
Unless you are very self aware of your triggers and how to mitigate them effectively, sound emotional regulation, healthy boundaries and the ability to enforce them, patience, and good communication skills, it's best to hold off and work on yourself. Take it from someone who started therapy 7 years ago and is just now seeing at 42 years old my own impact I've had on others because of those issues. It's sad and doesn't seem fair, but I know for me, it hurts worse knowing just how much I've hurt others along the way.
I really applaud this writer's level of self awareness and courage to not only share her story with all of us, but to seek help and understanding. I've been in her position and DID date the co-worker and my entire life imploded. Significant mental health crisis, job loss, self destructive habits, financial loss, etc. Negatively impacted my entire life. And others. Brutal. Embarrassing. Devastating.
Dear Rain, warmest hugs. You have a beautiful heart with great self awareness and regard for others. Keep going and healing. You made a hard, but very wise decision and I'm so proud of you. I hope you can see this decision and your actions in time as a step in the right direction and a sign of your healing and self respect, and kindness to yourself with consideration of others. ❤️❤️
Depends on what that relationship is. If it's a good long-term client-therapist relationship where they heal your parental attachment issues that can be stabilizing. Or it can be a mentor or a friendship. We're all thinking about this from a romantic relationship perspective but it really could be any relationship with a secure person.
That only works if you’re very self aware and have support in your life. Some ppl need therapy just to get to the self awareness part.
"Like a tornado" with an internal vortex.
I love you thank you
Most of my life I was avoidant and after therapy I was anxious and then I was in 8 year-relationship which ended in his cheating - now I'm disorganized😞
What sort of treatment is used to work on this attachment style?
Treatment recommendation is in the video - Anna is recommending not dating for a bit, doing the Daily Practice, and going to a support group like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
@@kittyweisman6655 yes, I understand that, I meant what sort if treatment would a psychologist use as therapy?
1:24 min in it struck me that every plea to Anna is someone talking about how they finally found the perfect partner who’s healthy and present but their issues ruined it …from a metaphysical view that’s absolutely impossible! We attract at the level of which we vibrate - that is 💯 Universal Law - zero negotiation! Secondly, I have always placed women I have gotten into intimacy relationships with on an unequal level at which I over emphasize their positives and my negatives simultaneously downplaying t their negatives and downplaying my positives…in other words, I have a very skewed perspective of the reality of what and who I hooked my wagon to - IF these women were all that !…They most certainly wouldn’t be in my world. FACTS. It’s ALL about the vibrations people. Thanks Anna! 🙂✌🏻
This is great advice ❤
Thats how i met a relashionship at. Work ....only i said no dating till unioned out not working together.
What is constantly? Is it always? Once someone said, "someone will be with you shortly"
I was at the hospital with a kid who had crashed headfirst into a tree while riding a four wheelers with his grandmother. I needed to know what shortly meant. Clear communication is clear. Simple and uncomplicated. ⏰️
I never had ltr abuse long term. They both worked traveled i lived in houses all e life. Educated close ages together both real popular.
MEEEEEEEEE except I'm not in a romantic relationship.
EDIT: Oop, I almost thought I submitted this letter!
Ouch this hits too close to home, I've decided to do the same thing that you suggested and I'm trying to recover from these wounds too. Also I would love to know more about this topic, are there some books or studies could I research upon? I'm trying so much to recover but there is really too much to unpack and I feel kind of lost sometimes.
Heidi Priebe here on you tube talks all about attachment. She’s the best I’ve found that explains what it is and how to heal from it!
@@melissasmuse Thank you! I'll look into it :)
I would love to be given the opportunity to tell my crush why I go hot and cold so often, but he hasn't asked me out or said anything to me that invites that kind of discussion. It would feel awkward if not presumptuous if I brought it up out of nowhere.
Curious how your whole body of work will work when CPTSD is added to the DSM?
It's technically observed in the international diagnostic criteria
I don't think their inclusion/non-inclusion would affect my work.
@@Heyu7her3 I'm glad there is an organization (and an international one at that) recognizes CPTSD ❤
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I didnt know you were a licensed therapist
@@lisavaz8667 I'm not!
I know because of past traumas I cannot handle a relationship with a woman...
If you want to dive deeper into attachment theory I LOVE Heidi Priebe here on you tube!!!
Its not too late. I think she can be ready if she chooses.
it just take effort daily, filtering thoughts and emotions and self awareness.
I have tried to overcome my attachment style for 20 years, it just doesnt work. I am 54 and I am so lonely.
05:49
💞
Crave Gods love when being loved already is quantum psychology reflected emotions, so the middle way and zin, the belief in the Holly Seed of Christ and the Holly Mother, no human sacrifice needed by God, then there are the sorcerer’s and Hubbard and the Scientists, sun young moon was another one, Jim jones, poe pot Sudan Gaza those children need help a mind is a terrible thing to waste
Someone called? 😅
This video made me cry
We're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
23 yrs a monk why fall for another when i wsntt even looking. Immagine that harmed for life.