Partner with CPTSD? These Tips Can Help You Have a Great Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
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It's not always easy to be with someone who was abused or neglected as a child. Attachment wounds, emotional dysregulation, and trouble feeling connected and close can create conflicts and barriers. Learn tips for supporting someone who struggles with CPTSD symptoms sometimes, so you can have more understanding and fewer conflicts, while still setting healthy boundaries against abuse or inapprorpriate caretaking.
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I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like he doesn’t deserve to be with a partner who has all the trauma I have, I thought to myself “He deserves someone who grew up in a loving home like he did so she can love him the way he deserves, I don’t know how to do that” but seeing this video is such an amazing confirmation that I made the right choice by staying with him, we can make this work and I can love him the way he deserves.❤️
Wow, I'm so glad you watched the video. You deserve a loving relationship :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My therapist told me that breakups are conversations and decisions to make together. I'm glad you didn't jump to making the decision for him. I hope you both are well!
Amazing story! ❤ I have C-PTSD and these year I dated a guy who has a lovely family and friends and I felt like I was less than him (I grew up in a family where traumas were something ordenary and now I don't really have a relationship with them) , I start acting cold to him maybe I hoped he would break up with me and guess what? He never called me back. Fighting C-PTSD is difficult.
Questions can overwhelm them during disregulation? This is a revelation to me. My wife used to get upset sometimes when I asked questions about herself or something that happened. I couldn't understand why, because literally every other wife I had ever known wished their husband would take more of an interest in their day or their life in general. So I couldn't understand why simple questions seemed to be too much for her. Now I understand. Thank you for this. It was very helpful.
I’m so deeply grateful for my partner of 23 years; his love has been transformative. One of the most helpful things he does when I’m angry and disregulated, is to listen calmly to what I have to say, and then repeat back to me what he understood. He doesn’t say he agrees or that I’m right; he simply checks in with a “what I’m hearing is…Did I get that fully?” My nervous system is so soothed by this, and over time I’ve learned to offer this kind of mirroring to him as well.
Thanks for sharing! That sounds like a really good practice. -Calista@TeamFairy
He sounds like a wonderful man. You’re lucky, as is he, to have found one another. ❤️
That's wonderful to hear :)
This is actually very nice to hear. I would do the same thing for my soon to be ex-wife and she would ask 'If I was stupid?' or 'Are you even listening?' and I was always told I had poor communication skills. It gives me hope for future relationships.
You are a very very blessed lady
I needed to find this today. I was ready to walk. Tired of being blamed for things I didn't do. Tired of the lack of any healthy communication. Tired of tension and stress and negativity and all the fear based thinking. It's exhausting and doesn't align with who I am at all. It's all much better than it used to be but it's taken its toll on my health. I can do this another day and maybe your videos can inspire him to do his part, which he's been unwilling to do because every therapist weve been to wants him to talk about the trauma and he can't and won't. Fingers crossed he can understand when I present your videos that I'm not trying to fix him, I'm trying to make thisxa partnership. If there are any ideas as to how to best present this, please throw them at me.
Elizabeth, how did it go? Presenting all of this only works if they’re ready for healing or they’re open to considering trying to heal. I takes time to want to heal because healing can be even scarier than the familiar chaos.
“It’s not the fault of the person with CPTSD”.
It’s not their fault they were hurt and traumatized, but if they are disregulated and become mean and abusive - that is 100% their fault. I’m married to someone with CPTSD, it was all set-up from birth to 17, I didn’t meet him until he was 25 - yet when he is disregulated I’m the one he tries to hold accountable for everything. I think it is important that we recognize the abused often becomes the abuser.
I have just started too see one girl who has this. These videos of yours are really helpful because I want to understand her situation and be supportive for her and build this relationship. She hasn’t shown yet these emotions for me but she has told me about them. Thanks for your help.
Likewise her my friend, just getting to these emotions now, and I've been feeling like I've done wrong, but the video has happend me to understand it a little bit more, she is right now mad about me for not remembering the symptoms, and this being my first time with a partner that has CPTSD, i want to learn, understand and build up our relationship together healthy
This is genuinely life changing.
I hope for my relationships future I can apply this absolutely amazing information to support someone who means everything to me. 😊
My wife left me because of this. I had no idea I was going through this and had a bad year that made the symptoms get worse, and she couldn’t deal with it. 💔
Sorry to hear, hope you both heal well
Thank you so very much for this video! It’s the exact advice I needed when I’ve been struggling with how I can help my partner effectively. Your videos are very much appreciated and great advice to deescalate tense situations.
Thank you so much for this video. This explained a lot of what I have been experiencing and how I can better support my partner with her cptsd.
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
when you said “don’t resort to giving the silent treatment, storming out, or threatening the relationship” that’s all i’ve been doing & now i’m scared that the relationship won’t be the same
Patterns can change over time with effort and knowledge. ❤
This was encouraging to face the fears of helping my partner be better 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Excellent and spot on information! Thank you Anna for helping so many people.
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
This was an excellent video. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Have you done a video when both people on the marriage have CPTSD? My husband and I have come a loooong way but more advice never hurts ☺️☺️☺️ (he goes to therapy but likes to keep the sessions to himself).
I think my ex has cptsd/bpd traits and a diaorganised attachment but he keeps pushing me away, and doesnt want to stay because i set boundaries and am trying to work through healing behaviours together but Im his trigger. Literally me
Because of fear of abandoment, intimacy, closeness and just chronic shame and self hatred that he gets very hurtful and shuts down whenener i try to challenge him or bring him up or grow with him. I feel constantly punished or having love taken from me or like nothing is good enough and every little thing is nit picked so he can run but i want to work WITH him to see that the fear of coming close and being safe and in calm, actual love is possible instead of the emotional rollercoaster.....
I'm currently having a hard time with my relationship because she's going through a lot of retraumatizing and i suffer from some pretty extreme chronic depression. Not having a good time with it.
How do you cope when both have cptsd?
You've given a very good description of numerous aspects of dating/ marrying a partner with CPTSD, which I recognized on day one with my current partner when we met, his lack of emotion or desire to mentally connect with another Human Being.. my Empathy cared about him because he trusted me and did everything I've said we need to do to become financially healthy. Financial health is a high focus in life, although Emotional Bankruptcy in a relationship feels sad and empty. Knowing his mental deficiency due to his childhood CPTSD situation does help me want to help him become emotionally equal to me so we can Live a Very Happy Gratitude Life.
Thank you very much for this helpful info. I Love Psychology.
I have cptsd and have started to try to date again. I am terrified. I am including my therapist in this process.
My partner has this we talk about it a lot and try to do things to help but... Seriously so easy to trigger her. Every time she gets triggered because this vicious cycle of breaking up pushing me away act as if I'm the devil. just to come back like nothing ever happened. It's so tiring and painful at times
❤❤❤
How long can disregulation last?
Here is a link to download a PDF on signs of Dysregulation signs and ways to reregulate. It might help your understanding of Dysregulation. Jack@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m not seeing a link
This is exactly what I was wondering I started tracking the dysregulation and it’s every two weeks like clockwork, which I don’t understand. He seems to enjoy taking two weeks to go in his room, work on his model airplanes and read World War II books and then come out and expect us to go have a date night dinner like nothing happened
Two weeks of happy regular adult married life going to movies cooking dinner together and then two weeks comes again and it’s like ground hogs day for 14 days It is if he is pre-programmed on his calendar that he’s triggered. I’m not sure how to cope with this anymore
"Dysregulated talk is like drunk talk. "
Yes!
and then I have had the time when I've combined the two, and believe me, it's not good to drink when you're in this emotional dysregulation phase. Sad hard lesson learned.
@@xw7239 today I applied something from one of these videos and I didn't get a panic attack. I almost got disregulated and I was triggered but instead of replying I just closed my eyes and breathed. I have a habit of just disregulated sharing but I felt okay. Putting a pause does help. Also I have been watching Christian messages which helped to deal with the orphan inside me that lacked so much. Christian music in many ways helps to disregulate. They express things that aren't easy to think of or express, you cry it out and know how to articulate your thoughts after. Praying about what I am terrified about expressing to people makes room for God to comfort me. I disregulate and don't feel so triggery. Writing down what's on my mind or my struggles in the form of poetry rhymes and reading it outloud is another release which helped me recover Years ago. After I stopped this my mental health and CPTSD symptoms go so erratic that I lost touch with community and isolated myself in an unhealthy manner. I know I'm only doing this because I'm afraid of having to explain something I didn't understand yet. Now that I know I have CPTSD, I am going to combine what I learn from this youtube channel with God centered resources like scripture so I can get close to Christ again. That made me happy and I did feel free. That was years before I knew I had CPTSD too so it definitely had results. God bless you guys and I know it's hard but if I can find progress you can too. Your good enough and know that it is possible to find peace. Don't Be Afraid to try, it's worth it :)
Loving someone with CPTSD is easy. Keeping from triggering each other is the hard part.
so true. if the non-cptsd has other issues anxieties it is so hard
Amen!
So true... im struggling with my guy on this right now. It's hard to tell if he's growing or pretending too. He's able to see logic so that's good. It's just a matter of being able to lay things out logically without getting triggered.
@@Slowgroovin It beautiful that we from various walks of life can freely talk about this. I spent my whole life not knowing that I had CPTSD. I am 28 years old and I felt so depressed because I didn't understand why relationships felt so unusually hard. Now that I know I have CPTSD. I can take better strategic steps which can repair the relationships that were damaged within the last 8 years of escalating symptoms. God is good. This community is a blessing. Keep in mind that you all are blessings who has a purpose and you can be happy and make a difference. If you have seen progress than know that we are proud of you. I am new to this but I really wanted to say that. If kid me needed to hear that I'm sure someone else needed too. Have a blessed week :)
@@christopherrosado8420 Thank you. That was very sweet. God bless and help you too 🙂
Ive started to date this girl that used to be my friend. She reconnected as friends to catch up. One thing led to another and we kissed, i refused sex on the first night even though she wanted to. I dissociate during intimacy and i told her about it. She knows about my past abuse and pain, she used to comfort me when i was sad, still does to this day. She respects my decisions, she respects the fact that it takes time for me to be comfortable intimately and weve grown very close. Now i can kiss her without closing my eyes, she makes me feel wanted and loved, its truly healing. Ive cried the first time we were intimate, i told her that im not used to love and affection. She told me its ok, she can provide that for me, stroked my hair to help me fall asleep. Good people are out there.
this topic need ALOT more attention, cause its very difficult to be the partner
Things that partner can do:
1. noitice dis-regulation
2. reduce overwhelm (don't ask too many questions and slow down and keep voice gentle, but don't mention you are doing this)
3. mention what you are noticing (you are overwhelm) and ask is there anything I can do? would a hug help
4. get a little space with a specific timeline (e.g: 1 hr apart) so dis-regulation can be discharged. But don't mention dis-regulation. But no threatening or give the silent treatment.
5. very gently and polite suggest doing the daily practice (writing + meditating). or you can do it and invite them to do it with you
I find disregulation comes one of two ways, it either sneaks up on me slowly or hits me like a freight train. I have the best thing my partner can do when it hits me like a freight train it’s it state things in simple facts like, “you’re safe” “I’m not mad” etc and allowing silence. I’m so grateful for her loving me in this way.
THIS!!!!!! omg crying
For all those who criticise sufferers - no one asked to have a difficult childhood or live with the lifelong burden of action by others throughout their lives
But they also have the responsibility as adults of putting in the work, questioning their behavior, listening to others describe their actions and impacts and not destroy others.
Those who criticize are often the major supporters of the individual with CPTSD. And nine of us asked that the person we love, support, and help dump on us when they are disregulated. We are allowed to “criticize”, because CPTSD sufferers often make sure to dump their suffering when they’re upset onto their partner - and that is absolutely abusive.
Anna, thanks for trying to address this topic. I tried for 34 years of marriage. But my wife could not admit that she had cptsd, would not recognize or apologize for abuse - even after years of therapy and couples counseling. She could not let go of blame as her defense. Sadly she is even worse since I left 10 months ago- the abandonment wound is too deep. Love doesn’t heal her. It took me years of therapy and work to address my own cptsd. If they can’t admit the problem there is no recovery. I know you do a lot of tough love videos on this.
Hugs
Experiencing this in my marriage
I would love to see more videos for partners and friends of people with CPTSD I think it would be very helpful. Maybe a video a month for us? Thanks
Is very hard to find information for the partners to help . Please make more videos like this.
Why is this so shocking to me that no one is supposed to kinda help soothe my discomfort?? That seems so isolating to me. Please keep talking about this - thank you!!
We didn’t get it as children, that’s when other people were supposed to do that for us. As “adults” we are to self-soothe, and it’s why -I think- there are so many drug addictions in the world- people don’t know how to self-soothe. No one ever teaches us how to deal with pain, physical or emotional
If you’re truly in a dysregulated state, “soothing your discomfort” is wayyyy bigger than any person’s ability even with the best intentions. “Supposed to” is a problematic expectation because it’s not anyone’s job to give you what you didn’t receive (and deserved) as a child and it’s unfair to expect it. No one could do that for you even if they wanted to because an adult relationship is supposed to be two adults, not parent and child. No one else can fix you but you.
@@rlud304 yes but this isn’t about childishness. It’s about being human.
@@sunnygirl9691 Best of luck to you
@@rlud304 There are 1 million examples of how people - grown-ups - very healthfully rely on others for regulation and comfort. This is the biggest reason why people have pets. This is why people grieve together at funerals. This is also why people celebrate together. Having the expectation of shared emotion with others is HUMAN.
I could never understand why, while loathing drama, I did so much to create it. My overwhelming emotions nearly always resulted in threats to break up or run away during conflicts with my partners. All I knew was that I needed to run because I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I felt and looked like a lunatic and knew how crazy my behaviour was, but I felt powerless to change it. I would make a firm promise to myself never to do it again, but boom, during the next conflict, I was doing it again. As maddening as it is to be the erratic person, how frustrating it must have been for my partners. 😔
I too am always the one to leave the room/relationship and spout off like a crazy person. I’m very difficult in relationships 😞
God Blesses you with all his Love and healing power.
i feel this so much i always wanna run but i want them to run after me and i get more upset when they don’t
Wow thank you for sharing your experience and having such compassion for yourself and understanding the partners perspective and experiences
I am convinced that someone who had it especially hard at home needs a partner who is both unusually intelligent and (even more so) unusually sensitive. And then, you would need some chemistry...!
They need someone with very firm boundaries who is loving
I just got diagnosed with cptsd, and wow, I was not expecting it at all. At first I was like "ok I'm good" then hrs later I started to feel down about it because I realized how disfunction I can be to myself and others. I don't even mean to be that way.I over think alot, over talk; (because I want to make sure my point gets across), and always in my head about issues I can't resolve. I worry over little things that trigger my anxiety. And have anger issues. It's a lot for me to deal with myself. For the most part, i look stable, carry great conversations, but can get easily triggered by things a person might (taking it the wrong way) It will take a patient, understanding type of person to deal with someone like myself. I have a big heart, and it's hard for a lot of people to see because I don't project as someone who is kind.....Alot to learn. All I have to say is stay away from people who trigger you. And take the appropriate therapy for this type, which is DBT or EMDR. Good Luck to those who have this. ❤
Thank you for watching and sharing your experience with us. If you'd like to try Daily Practice it can help you find clarity, declutter thoughts, and help with getting regulated. Here's a link to the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
"Stay away from people who trigger you" is easier said than done when committed to that person for better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part.
Thank you for teaching me healthy boundaries and expectations! ❤️ I was raised to tolerate everyone else but never advocate for my own needs so I’m working on speaking up. However, when I do find people who respect me and welcome my needs I tend to ask for too much that can border on excessive catering. Your videos are so helpful with teaching me how to find and practice balance.
I completely understand, finding that balance can be incredibly difficult, but good for you for working towards that! Thank you for your kind words, I'm sure Anna will want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤❤❤
My mother has cptsd and she chose me to be her healer. I had to go low contact after 33 years. And all the compassion I had for her has flipped to compassion for myself.
Relatable! 🥰
Gosh, I get this so much! I love my mom and don’t want to go n/c … and there are times I feel loving her is like sacrificing my own mental health… there has to be a better way.
I reached my breaking point with my mother who told me all of her stories and troubles. I’ve been no contact for years and it’s wonderful. I now vacillate between feeling anger and indifference. She saddled me with existential pain I’ve carried all my life, as I knew the word abortion since before I knew what it meant. So f* her
goals
I was married to someone with CPTSD. She was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, but I always had a sense that this wasn't the whole picture. I remember asking my own therapist several times if there was a form of PTSD that is centered around attachment and relationships. I was blamed daily, sometimes several times a day for her triggers. No matter how hard I tried to change everything about myself, none of it made any difference. All of our arguments centered around her extreme reactivity and me trying to get her to see that her reaction was 1000x more destructive than anything she was trying to blame me for. I can remember watching Jeopardy on the couch together and making a tiny comment, that slightly disagreed with something she had said and spending literally the next 4 and a half hours listening to her rant and spin out in circles trying to reconcile her reaction, but never apologizing or owning anything she did. This kind of interaction was my entire life. Basically, it reached a point where I had to admit to myself that I was in an abusive marriage and put up hard boundaries. Also unfortunate that we saw a couple's therapist who didn't know anything about CPTSD and we spent the whole time discussing how I can change, be more empathetic, etc instead of ever talking about the underlying issue. Sadly, we divorced. It is a no contact situation for me. I appreciate these videos, though. It's really validating and healing for me to know that I wasn't the cause of all her panic and disregulation. I never thought I believed most of the things she blamed me for, but eventually had to acknowledge that my body still carries the trauma of her words and actions.
Actually I think it could be a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) more than just cPTSD. They seem to be very similar in some ways but you can also differentiate them in others.
Have you read about BPD already? Maybe check it out and try to differentiate. Maybe you are right and it was cPTSD but maybe it was just a BPD and then a whole picture looks different.
I hope it helps 😊
@@KasiaJangMiMalinowa ya i've read a bunch about bpd. her reactions weren't violent for the most part. mainly it was panic, but then getting super defensive and argumentative and then blaming me for it. seems to me more like cptsd than bpd. but ya it's hard to determine that from one comment.
I've come to recognize the reactivity and (verbal) explosions that I had were part of C-PTSD. I had been "programmed" to expect and respond with hostility.
After watching dozens of videos produced by Anna and Therapy in a Nutshell (Emma) and narcissism survival coaches like Dr. Ramani (spelling?), Danish, Richard (Brannon?), and others, I'm learning about subtle differences between actual narcissism, BPD, and C-PTSD. All these disorders have similar outwardly visible symptoms or characteristics. I think the main difference is what drives those traits out to the surface, the motive or compulsions or, in my case, "programming." Humans are born teachable. We can learn good and bad habits. We can learn to replace bad habits with the good. We can train, in effect, "reprogram" our minds to respond in a different way. It takes time; it takes effort. But first, it takes desire and willingness to change.
Through my own healing journey, I hope to guide others toward healing their own trauma. I realize that i still have to put more effort into not getting dysregulated myself when a loved one is trapped in dysregulation.
Much success to y'all in your efforts to "reprogram" yourselves and to support others along the way.
❤️🩹
Thank You!
It's look like a cluster B, Borderline, who is projeting on you. Therapists misunderstading a Lot and mix both.
I see your beautiful face , a reflection of your heart, and I just want to give you a hug. Thank you for who YOU are and for breaking through the clutter of our minds and bringing relief.
You express my feelings too - so aptly ! 🙂
Yes. Her face has got more beautiful as she has gone along in this journey ❤
This video made me cry. I'm still in the early stages of healing, my partner is amazing, and we have learning moments for us both. It's very very hard. Any relationship would for anyone going through this kind of healing journey - relationships can be triggering - but having someone who's not going anywhere, who's patient and willing enough to learn with you, is so incredible. I feel sorry that he has to go thru this with me, but I'm thankful he's here.
Thank you for sharing this! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
i’ll pay
Sometimes he's angry with me, but most of the time he's just angry with everything. Dropping a spoon or getting his feet coiled up in the shop vac will create a string of cussing, swearing, throwing things. Living with this for so long, it always feels like the anger is my fault, even if it's not directed at me. It's like being around second-hand smoke. I don't know if this sounds strange, but he also has a passive/aggressive quality while in the dysregulation.
It’s very true! I experience this too.
@@randapalfy9480 I am sorry to hear this! This behavior has been changing since we have both accepted Christ! Jesus is Real, and He through the power of The Holy Spirit will heal. Praise The Living God!
Notice when they're dysregulated, slow down, voice gentle, not a lot of questions or demands. I notice, does it help if I... Get some space, a few minutes apart. Don't threaten the relationship stay polite kind stay out of the drama let the storm pass. Avert the fights. Calm, steady is good.
Nobody comes close to me, as i reflexively push them away, the deregulation is too much for me. Only understanding ppl helps me.
it’s so hard to not take everything so personal, i love him but it’s starting to feel like i’m giving it my all and it’s getting exhausting
I would completely adore having a loving partner like this. It’s very regulating to just have that one person, that won’t escalate it. Heavenly in fact.
Your words are so soothing for the ones that want to develop self esteem. The world is not sunshine and rainbows. It is very comforting to hear such kind advice while drawing boundaries
ok.. now talk about spouses who know their partner has cptsd but consistently violate their boundaries.
this is not a 1 way street. its a 2 way street, and by no means is a spouse allowed to abuse somebody who has cptsd.
i have cptsd and my wife of 1yr, 3yrs together, always talks down to me despite knowing full well what i already deal with.
how you think that makes me feel after telling her for 3yrs to PLEASE STOP and she just wont?
is that justified? whats your answer for that one?
should i tolerate that abuse or are they exempt bc IM the one who has a diagnosis???
I feel so seen, I am crying.
We're all sending you our support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's so damn hard. I tried for years and totally lost myself and ended up really tore up about how bad things got. Kudos to people who successfully navigate this
My husband and I both have Cptsd. We did everything the Crappy Childhood Fairy said we shouldn't. We married after 5 months. We've been together 10 years. We are helping each other heal. It hasn't been easy, but it's definitely worth it.
beyond grateful for this video. this is my wife and I currently. She has disrespected me in so many ways and i have become a doormat. I have made mistakes in the past but that has become the area of focus allowing my wife to take zero responsibility for her actions. I have to remove myself from the toxicity for now but hopefully with counseling and various treatments she can get the help that she needs, learn to apologize, and realize just how awesome i am and how strong our relationship can be.
maybe i’ll give an update in a year but she is right. we do not need to put up with emotional abuse
I don't know why the owner of the channel liked your comment, has your wife ptsd because of you? Because that's what you are saying here you made mistakes that became her triggers. Maby this bullshit fly's with this content creator but not with me. If she already had ptsd why did you make it worse? What kind of mistakes? You need to protect your wife or you are not even worthy of her, the way you talk, the disrespect i get why your wife does'nt like your bs i seen a few sentences and i know enough you are a first class narcissist. I think you are the one that needs help, no person in his right mind call's himself awesome. She does not need to apologize you need to be a man and stfu.
Thank You sooo much for making such a difficult topic so easy to understand ❤
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I wish I watched this video when I was with my ex-girlfriend. I broke up with her because I didn't understand what was going on with me at the time. Now that I understand, I see things differently now. I was scared of the possibility of being alone forever but now I don't doubt that possibility anymore
I wish things could be different but I’m disregulated because my rabbit died and it sounds like a stupid trigger but I do have animals sometimes to regulate myself and I go outside with my chickens to ground myself. And my rabbit was my special buddy. A neighbors dog killed my chickens last year and he showed up in my yard my little buddy and I pet him for hours he would come when I call. Then a neighbors cat came and killed him. And I’ve spent hundreds of dollars to protect my animals but anyways it was unexpected and I keep having flashbacks of reactive attachment issues. It’s been a month but I can’t regulate right now. Really my husband is like stop trying to fill a void so I’ve been sitting in my car right now in a parking lot for 3 hours because I don’t want to go home when I’m vulnerable.
Aw, sorry for the loss of your buddies. Our animal friends are so dear.
Do you have advice for parents who are dealing with adult children with C-PTSD?
This is helpful thank you. I have CTPSD. It’s been hard on our marriage. I felt sad after an EMDR session and my husband said I should go to a rehab center or away while I’m processing trauma. This was really disregulating and heartbreaking.
We harm the once close to us the most. If you have diagnosed c-ptsd and medication for it someone should have told you the best method to help is individual therapy and if that does not work good enough it's indeed best to go into daythreatment or rehab so all responsibility and pressure is off you. Maby your husband senses you need that? You need to realise only you can find the triggers and how to calm yourself nobody can do that for you. How old are you? Do you follow any therapy? I have c-ptsd aswell, i was raised as a warrior beaten and locked up on daily basis, the rest of the time i got neglected, i got more beatings then food quite literally. I am very paranoid and with every emotion i don't like i get very angry but i manage to regulate most of it and it stays inside it was not always that way i've been locked up for aggression, i sometimes don't speak for days to avoid conflict, what i know for sure is that my wife and my children need to be protected from what i went through.
damn
mom says this to me daily
@@yoachim91i hope you’re doing well💙 honestly I don’t like when people say this to me or ask how I’m doing so I don’t mean it in that manner just saying that i’m thinking about you
@@klbkatklb Thank you, that is very kind of you, i needed that. I am not doing so good, life is like an emotional rollercoaster to me most of the time, it's exhausting. But we got to do what we got to do. How about you?
I've just discovered your channel..
Been in trauma therapy 3 years, had current lover for 2 1/2. I'm hoping this video helps him. Thank you
What I find difficult is a connection where both parties have cptsd and only one has the awareness of it. Understanding them feels like enabling when they hurt blindly with no self awareness. Had to walk away.
Ugh, me too! After 10 years I just couldn’t do it anymore. He’s so smart too 😞
I am so thankful for finding you ❤ Thank you for your work Anna 💕
What a kind thing to say! So happy to hear the channel has been helpful, thanks for taking the time to comment. -Calista@TeamFairy
I wish I'd had this information 6 months ago, you see I fell in love with a beautiful woman who is suffering from CPTSD and wasn't prepared for what was to come. I moved from the US to be with her in Scotland and it was 4 months of the best and worst experience of my life.
She endured a horrific childhood, one of 5 children, and one of the two girls born to the family. One of violence, abuse, alcohol, and behavior that can only be called insane, by her parents. A father who sexually abused her, terrified the family, beat her mother, and a mother who as a result of this abuse by her father, became nearly as monstrous.
I would love to be able to offer any support to her, but it may be too late.....as I said, I didn't realize the extent of the disorder until it was too late. I reacted as if she was navigating her emotions normally and not from what this disorder produces.
I often times didn't even know what set her off, I know now it wasn't even me most of the time. I have moved back to the US, but am planning on returning to Scotland with hopes of seeing her better prepared for what may come.
Try again with her 🥺 love knows no time
Please try again with her and be patient with helping her
Raised with two parents with cptsd and addiction. The funny thing is that I later got an addiction myself. Men with cptsd. I can feel the smell and the energy when I meet them. They remind me of home. I recognize a lot in what you write, I became fearful and avoidant. But worked many years with myself. The addictions I got. Was wanting to help men with cptsd. A long hard work on myself. Got ptsd and became fearful and aviodant. Never let go of myself. Became a doormat. But stop now. Am 49 years old now and want to be part of my own life. No more abandoholic. Took care of both my parents since I was 7. Now it's time for me to live. Will never be bitter. Get up and see this today as an experience. But the road there was painful. But had to go through it all. Got out Out of myself. Get to know myself. Lost myself at the age of 7. Now I am the main role in my own life.
go girl
I'm listening to this so I can learn to love myself or believe that I can be loved because I secretly believe my CPTSD has run all my husband's away. Probably they were just abusive. But I feel if there are 'techniques' for loving someone like me then it can be done.
You deserve love, thinking you don't is a trauma driven belief that can be released doing this practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Bless your heart girlie
I feel your pain ,@# I’m an empath , but have had 3 marriages …and wonder where does my CPTSD a play in … I’m loving 100% but as soon as I’m hurt I every to inner and highly hurt anger
So it was all your partners that were abusive and it wasn't anything to wIth your PTSD ? Really ?
I wanna give these tips to my spouse to help me through an episode instead of yelling at me but I feel like part of this video paints the cptsd party like an intentional aggressor and my spouse would use it against me. :/
I’m really grateful for your channel and particularly this video. I wish could have been exposed to your content sooner as I’ve filed for divorce a while ago against my now ex wife who has CPTSD.
As an empath with a low sense of self worth and lack of self love who deals with people pleasing and codependency, I couldn’t deal with my ex wife’s symptoms of dysregulation. It hurt too much for me, so much so that I would yell in response. Later on, I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I would experience suicidal ideation often. I wanted to help, but I believe my above mentioned traits of myself made it impossible for me to deal with it because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to objectively see and understand what was going on.
Now that my ex and I have had our space, physical and emotionally, and I’m recovering, healing, and growing from my negative traits of lack of self worth, lack of self love, people pleasing, and codependency, to establishing self love an acceptance of who I am and am recovering from people pleasing and the toxic empathy.
I’m actually really considering going back to support her healing and establish a new better environment for our children than we previously had since I feel more secure in doing so.
However, I speculate that she might not even want me back at all since I already abandoned the relationship. Also, healing is possible on her own, and she doesn’t need me in this regard. But I felt like the recent discovery for me of what really was going on, instead of our historic mislabeling both of us with either borderline personality disorder or covert narcissism or other kinds of gaslighting from both sides, really me inspired to go back, apologize for abandoning the relationship, share with her that I finally really do understand, at least intellectually and emphatically, what she’s going through and what I was going through, and be a genuine support through her healing even if it means experiencing all the things you mentioned in this video again, plus now the added layer of mistrust since I left.
I wonder if it’s worth the risk.
Currently, I can’t shake off the feeling that it is worth it.
This sounds really similar to me and my ex! I agree with you, I wish I could've found this channel sooner. I wouldn't say I'm an empath myself, but I took on a lot of responsibilities for my ex and it overwhelmed me. I people please, have low self-worth, and I have depression. I felt like his happiness was my responsibility and I think that was a really big lie to myself. Not a good base to form a relationship on. I tried to help, but I myself wasn't happy and ignored my own needs. I've got resentment 'towards' him and it sucks. He seems to think he has BPD, and he thinks I have it too. I honestly think we both just have C-PTSD. Now I'm taking time away from him after a messy break-up. Not bad, but messy. I can honestly say that I do want to help him and I don't feel pressured to. I just don't want to date him again.
Are you doing better now yourself? I'm asking as I've only just started recognizing some of these traits and behaviors in myself and am curious to know if, with work, improvement is possible.
@@bumblebunny I am doing better. I’ve leaned to self regulate via journaling (like my own modified version of the Daily Practice) and learned about attachment theory and attachment wounds that I had to heal from. Once I was able to confront certain profound attachment wounds that my inner child had, I realized how I was projecting my insecurities that stemmed from that onto all my relationships my whole life. It’s a realization that I’m ashamed of and regret, but it is part of my healing and emotional and psychological growth and maturity.
I didn’t end up getting back with my ex wife. She introduced me to her new partner who she plans on marrying soon.
I’m talking with someone but taking my time, trying to be more secure in my attachment this go around.
So, yeah. My ex and I are moving on, cordially coparenting our children. I’ve learned a lot and am still on a journey of healing and growth. I can only hope she’s doing the same.
I appreciate your reply.
Wow. Bless you. You are a very good human. You are worthy of love.
I think some of what is being described has more to do with a person's character than it does CPTSD symptoms.
Adhd meds don’t fix the trauma reactions. Adhd strategies for coping with lateness and organization help
Thanks for putting this out. God knows I could have used a family that understood these things but what would help me more is information about what you do when find your loved one have been using it against you intentional for many years through narcissism! I had distanced myself only to discover it was being used against me so its been hard to balance out since there such a sense of betrayal.
Dr. Ramini. ☮️💖👍
I wish my partner could understand English to show him this video...
RUclips subscribers have a lot of subtitle options :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
RUclips was kind enough to show me this video today out of the blue and I'm grateful for that! You really helped calm me down and see that I am on the right path to help my wife! Thank you
Wow, I'm so glad you found the video! -Calista@TeamFairy
How about not touching someone when they ask not to be touched in that moment!?!
These are great tips, Anna. I was wondering if you could maybe do a video for adult children of parents who have CPTSD? I know by the time we reach adulthood we most likely have it, too. I do, but I was wondering if maybe you had any tips?
☝🏼
I love this video. It makes me wonder though what the differences are between CPTSD and borderline personality disorder which is treatable too.
I bet a million things are diagnosed where PTSD is actually the issue.
Yes please if you could help us understand this concern of bpd and Cptsd. In a not quite up to par executive functioning type of way. Your very good at that.
I diagnosed myself 4 years ago (and haven’t missed a day of studies with some branch)with bpd and it’s been confirmed by numerous doctors now and I have found a great teletherapy program called DBT of Lawrence, Kansas.
Just this morning I very uncomfortably had the opportunity though conversation with my 90th attempt at a relationship with my boyfriend to discover this….
Thank god he’s gotten more of a grip on his patience and own self over the last 35 years of trauma we were “blissful “ too and also all the new “memories” traumas we were adding to our lives.
Anyways, today was a breakthrough. A big breakthrough Involving anything in regards to intimacy. Wow. I’m mind blown and still a little on and off with the tears streaming during my thoughts coming and going. It hurts to know you are a hurt people hurting people. But I’m glad I’ve been working on self empathy for my inner child as I truly do believe that is the beginning.
🧠 TBI Fairy too. I had a wonderful childhood but suffer a lot of the same symptoms from a Traumatic Brain Injury. 🙏🏻Thanks❤
What symptoms do you suffer??
When I get dysregulated it often becomes drunk talk because I want to drink, and often do.
My Wife has CPTSD and BPD and I love her with all my heart but it is a wild rider with ups and downs I studied for 4years to just try and understand why she is the way she is and I find out she had cptsd and bpd. I have ASD High Functioning and it makes it way crazy hard to understand we’re she was coming from but I fight through all the hard times and tried crazy hard to learn what was going on in her head note I am Nero divergent and think different then A Neuro typical person. So you could only try to understand how hard it is for me to think and talk about feelings in the same way as a person with CPTSD AND BPD. I LOVED HER MORE THEN ANYTHING AND STILL DO. Is it easy in anyway NO it is not but I will say this as a high functioning person With ASD she could never push me away far enough for me to ever leave her. She is my heart and I am trying to learn a way to cure CPTSD AND BPD not for me but for her. I hate seeing her pain and her pain after her spits and how she feels after.
What causes love? Because I can't imagine staying through anything. I can't understand what can make someone feel love when bad behaviour is there. Please explain what makes a person love another person and want to stay?
Make sure you have a line that your wife cannot cross. Self respect is sexy. Abuse can lead to more abuse. This combination of CPTSD & BPD with ASD is dangerous. Do your best to listen and understand. Imagine yourself in her shoes. But remember, you cannot heal her, even if you know how. Personally, learning how only made it harder for me to be around her. Only your wife can heal herself. All you can do is be supportive. But take care of yourself too, especially if she emotionally isolates and pushes you away.
I had someone who's enjoyed my disregulation. For you that making work with your partnership you are like super heroes guys
My partner and I both suffer from CPTSD. We love each other. I don’t think we want to be without each other. I’m in your course. He is not. He also has addiction issues. I hope with me getting to the next level of healing that he with see how helpful and her help as well. I encourage but I’m still learning how to do this and keep myself regulated
Thank you for this, you have opened my eyes to a lot
I have AuDHD and I'm married to a woman with CPTSD.
It can be like two Galaxies Colliding.
I need help I'm ruining my relationships and I need help I can't find a therapist that is educated enough I always got to come here they don't even understand some of the terms I use there's only so much education i can give myseif I'm not a therapist I'm sick and have mental health issues omg I need help
A great way to get clarity about difficult relationships is through Daily Practice. Check out the free course here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice If you'd like to work deeper, try Anna's Dating & Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD course: bit.ly/3IBbrv7
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video. It's been very hard. I have a habit of taking my partners feelings personally / taking on responsibility and it very much disrupts her ability to self-regulate. The symptoms are bad esp because of a toxic job she's taken. It's almost daily at this point where there's a "trigger spiral", and I have a lot of the techniques. In the moment, I tend to forget that she has CPTSD and i get all judgemental about why she's thinking about something in a certain way. When I remember, I definitely assume the role of the "fixer" and present, that's definitely created some barriers.
It's difficult emotionally right now and has been for the last 2.5 years, and she doesn't trust me to be a safe space, which hurts more than anything. I also think that I might have some symptoms of (more minor) CPTSD as well, which makes it doubly hard.
I definitely am very impatient about talking through things as soon as they come up, which creates more opportunities for trigger spirals.
Our love is so epic and so worth this work, and I really appreciate these videos to tap into to remind myself that it's not her fault, it's not my fault (even when I'm blamed), and my work is to stay stable, and create boundaries.
My next step is to create shared values and agreements about behavior that we can go back to during times like that.
Grateful for your wisdom. THANK YOU!
I’m alright with people that have had dramatic for you. There’s a little while little crazy bipolar Chickster unmedicated. I love them work for you. I have gone but videos I live alone and I’m leaving Canada because I hate psychiatry I’m going to Australia and my cousin says they’re all racketeers. He’s a doctor and talk to him military I get along with I understand what dramas.
My ex husband was abusive (physically, emotionally, legally) and the person I’ve been dating started joking around saying I should stop being so mean to my ex, he’s a good guy. (I rarely speak about him but have discussed some of what happened to me). I told him it wasn’t funny and he doubled down and continued. I got up and walked out. He then said that if I react this way I need help and I snapped. Then I’m over analyzing my reactions to see if I truly did over react, but I don’t think so. Some people have no empathy for what others have been through
I'm sorry for my partner a TBI and this combined destroyed any chance. She has as well this PTSD from a narcissist mother and I love her before the concussions I was in control completely and now I just can't save us both and neither can she. I miss her she's my best friend she's the person I love more than anything
One of the best questions someone asked me is, "Okay, what do you need from me? How can I help?" That one question helped me to realize I was being heard but was not being clear. Plus, just knowing someone was listening really helped.[]
Thank you, for your love and support for us. While indirectly, creating a space to hear each other.
The hardest thing ever is to not take to heart the things that are being said by the dis-regulated person. Those things are eventually apologized for, but I'm still being blamed for not allowing her to heal. People call it abuse, but I know those things are being said as dis-regulated talk, which is like drunk talk. Friends and family think I'm stuck in an abusive relationship but I don't see it that way.
What about when your partner says things like, “what’s the big deal? All your dad did was diddle you. Just get over it already!” Is that on him for triggering me?
It means your man is a tool!
Everyone who reads this is truly loved ❤
What do you think of someone who gaslights your CPTSD and shame you
Is it my fault that I trigger someone with cptsd for being myself? I triggered someone because I needed a moment sometimes to think before I speak on things and sharing how my thought process is, and triggering them because I just asked genuine questions about their relationship with an ex (asking about boundaries they have with them).
I don’t like the advice that they should leave just because someone is disregulated. It sounds like abandoning to me. And I am the disregulated one and I still take care of everything and leaving me and taking my kids would be horrible. But there was a lot of good advice there.
How people abandon me was more painful and the person who just waited saying you are emotionally not at the place now…. It was painful
I love this but also it kinda paints us as abusive, but that’s not the case for most of us.
I think it is possible. But the childhood trauma survivor needs at least a sufficient amount of regulation to solve the issue with others and not " on" other people. If Cptsd is a relational trauma, we need relations to heal. Waiting for so long to find care and attention is what has made my Cptsd stronger
How long should we wait for someone with CPTSD who gets triggered and leaves and blocks?
He ask me for physical and he doesn't come to meet he start arguing just to don't come it's a year and a half he didn't kiss me nothing just sometimes hug. What should I do . I can't leave him I love him , but I need his emot his closeness. Please give me advice
I do everything just make him happy , fell better. I love him so much
I am feeling very disconnected from my partner of 1 year. I have tried to support and suggest things to him, not doing it for him. I wonder if it will be worth it as I am in constant stress and dont want to live this way.