If Your PARTNER Has CPTSD, You'll Want to WATCH THIS
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- Опубликовано: 5 июл 2021
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A lot of people write to me asking how to help a partner who is affected by trauma from their childhood -- or how to handle their partner's triggered reactions that are hurtful, irrational blaming and threatening them. CPTSD symptoms, when they're not very well controlled, can ruin relationships and traumatize the other person -- even if they came to the relationship without a history of trauma. People with CPTSD can be good partners if they work on it, and the love and steadiness of a person who loves them can be powerfully healing. If you're the partner of a person who was abused or neglected as a child, here are common symptoms you may recognize, with tips on what to do to assist your partner and to minimize damage when their symptoms arise.
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I do the daily practice everyday on sticky notes. I notice 99.9% of my fears never come true! It's a wonderful practice. Thank you :)
SO great to heat that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We both have it! Is there hope for us ?
After 27 years I finally figured out that my wife has CPTSD which explained a lot. I came to recognize what triggers her (tone of voice, frustration etc). Once this was done I started to come at the issues from a different angle. Explaining my opinion of an issue was useless because she isn’t able to listen. So I explain “intent”. I ask her “What do you think I have to gain from intentionally pissing you off?” I also point out when she is being over sensitive about a question or statement. I do this calmly with no resentment. I have had to disconnect emotionally from her and be more clinical. Why? Because I made a covenant of marriage with her and as her husband I am her provider and protector. It’s my duty.
I just read this and it warmed my heart. You're wife is very blessed to have such a wise and compassionate husband. I commend you for your dedication and willingness to understand your wife. I suspect she's had experience with narcissism and manipulation and her mind instantly becomes defensive to the possibility of that happening again, even if it isn't rational to assume. I have similar issues and have really flipped out on undeserving people and am grateful for those in my life who forgive me when I misunderstand a situation and overreact. God bless those of you who love us unconditionally. It helps us heal to have the security of stable loving relationships. May God bless you and your family and may your wife's peace be restored to her. Thank you for being an advocate for people like us! 😇
Gundog, I am curious how she responds to your approach ?
Can we clone you?
I did this for years. She took my kids and ran with them a year ago and only through the slow ass court system am I making any true progress with her. 14 years of sacrifice and I have to fight to be a father. It wasn’t worth it to me in the end just being honest
@@hereiamfornow So far so good. She is slowly coming around since I worked on not triggering her. I thank her and compliment her far more than I did before because she needs that reassurance. Seems a bit overboard but it works. I had to sit her down and have a talk the other day about how she is treating me like a woman. I had to explain that women pick up on hints where as men we need more direct communication. “Homey don’t do hints”. That takes the ambiguity out of the situation. Tell me what you want directly, no hints. She took it well.
1. Notice the dysregulation
2. Try to reduce overwhelm in your partner, be gentle, slow down
3. Mention that you notice. Ask if there is anything you can do
4. Take/make space apart from each other, even just 5 minutes. Not the silent treatment
5. Abuse is not to be tolerated. Get away asap
Nice recap thank you!
Love this thank you
Is there is anybody here who have CPTSD and was married to a Narcissists?
Somehow i feel there is many cases where people with CPTSD attract Narcissists.
Absolutely. I am 60 and ironically it took my divorce from my malignant covertly narcissistic ex-wife to discover who and what she really is, and why I was vulnerable to her. That stemmed from my toxic, narcissistic parenting and wider society (these issues run deep!) when I subconsciously chose to put others first (initially my parents) to get my essential needs met (as best as possible 🥴). My 'codependency' contrasts with the alternative subconscious strategy for survival my two sisters chose: 'narcissism'.
You are on the road to self-realisation. It is complex and runs deep but you have made a vital connection. 👍
Yes 100% we attract narcissists
Yes! My EX was a narcissist and had major challenges with alcohol which amplified everything
Yes
Yea unfortunately
My husband is amazing. He knows about my CPTSD, and he takes every moment he can to understand me, and he loves me for who I am. I would never abuse my husband just because I’m dysregulated. I actually like to think of something silly when I’m dysregulated. And sometimes that little bit of laughter and giggles can bring me back out of that funk. I like to say silly words and phrases to my husband whenever I’m dysregulated. Because sometimes a little bit of laughter is what I need.
I am so freaking happy for you both! He sounds like a real treasure.
My spouse is also delightfully silly & playful.
Thank u for sharing
Totally agree with you. That technique is so effective.
Thats what I dream of in a relationship 🙏😃 Keep up the daily practice ✨
It really does happen when you have a loving husband that understands C-PTSD AND has a fabulous sense of humor!
OMG THIS is my root problem! Dear God, I've spent a decade trying to treat depression, anxiety, alcoholism, relationship issues, and it's all rooted in disregulation. Holy crap, there's hope.
I tell my partner that I've entered my no-thought zone when they ask if I'm okay. They understand it completely so I feel free to just leave the room and go stare out a window or lay there not saying anything until it goes away. Super helpful to feel okay to exist in that space without worrying your partner thinks you hate them
Great strategy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My wife struggled with this and did have a diagnosis of complex PTSD, but she didn't get dysregulated - she was at the opposite end, with a lot of emotional numbing and avoidance. She didn't even tell me she was diagnosed with c-PTSD, I had to read about that in the divorce filing. She shut down when I tried to communicate and refused couple's therapy or counseling - she seemed to have a great deal of difficulty with feeling like she was failing, especially when I was frustrated about feeling her withdrawing from our relationship. Like you mentioned I was feeling hurt by her avoidance. I just wish I'd known how to approach her about this. Maybe things could have been different. I feel like my frustration made her feel scared and hopeless - like "he's upset, I'm screwing up, our marriage is doomed" rather than being something we could work on and fix together. Even though I believe I will heal from this it's very hard not to look back with a lot of sadness and regret.
I'm in the same boat except that my stbx wife blames me for her PTSD as opposed to her childhood/upbringing. I have only recently begun to delve into my own childhood trauma and in doing so I recognize that my stbx likely experienced trauma that surpasses my own but she refuses to acknowledge or commit to healing it... a very sad situation indeed but we cannot force another person to heal, change or grow.
It is so beautiful how supportive and how self-reflective you are. Grief will be there but there doesnt seem to much you could have done. I wish you a wonderful new relationship.
@@scottgoulette8900 I completely identify with what you went through. I'm sorry that you experienced such pain and torture of trying to develop a healthy relationship with someone that fundamentally could not reciprocate. I had the exact same experience, and when my ex-wife got into her 'funk', I was the target of blame. I had been through about 7 years of therapy as an adult on my own accord to heal from my childhood traumas, so I had a glimpse of what she was experiences having been through it myself. Ultimately, a person can heal with the help of a loving spouse, but only if they are committed to the process. My ex refused individual and couples counceling and instead, left after a few months of marriage and blamed the demise of the marriage 100% on my shoulders. Sadly, I wrote numerous letters while we were married stating that I love(d) her and that I want to be a safe place for her to know she is worthy of love and respect. Nothing could convince her that was true however. I healed from that short marriage and will never think that love is sufficient in helping another person. It is required that the person take the scary steps of facing their past, and I do believe that it's easier with a partner that is undeniably committed to you. But that committment and love only unlock the door to the journey that the person needing healing must conciously and bravely step through. Otherwise, it'll become a toxic situation and a one-sided relationship.
@@travisrobinson Thanks for the feedback Travis... ironically I convinced my wife to not go through with the divorce, we had some couples therapy and we are in a better place but there is still a lack on connection on an emotional level. Her family history is to bury the problems rather than talk about them, and we all know where that leads to. We have 25+ years together plus 4 kids so there is a lot at stake, which is a primary reason I decided to stick it out... less than ideal but ultimately I wanted what's best for my kids.
Being someone who sounds identical to your ex wife I can say her shutting down and possibly coming off as numb, cold, un-engaged especially when it comes to communication about things related to the trauma/anger/hurt/or even criticism or minor issues. For me that shut down is part of my disregulation. And signs that I am emotionally becoming overwhelmed even within the first 2 min of a conversation
One thing that may help with dysregulation in public settings is asking one question
" Do you feel safe?"
Just having someone to be concerned about there safety can be enough to bring them back...and a hand on there shoulder to ground
The question would probably help me, but any touch might send me into a panic if I’m dysregulated, due to the nature of my traumas. Just another perspective.
From another perspective, using that phrase doesn't help me. I once had mild panic during group therapy when we were asked to "find a safe space". I realized I didn't have a "safe space" because it was never a thing that was allowed in my childhood. I believe that talking about these things in private and coming up with something that helps when they are in a calm state and following through with that is best. Example, Ready to go? I'm ready. Or "wanna step outside with me first some air?" Just any pre-planned thing can help. And keep it simple. When my brain gets going, reason gets a bit lost.
Hoy why did I tear up reading this comment 🥺🥹
Yes
@@Elya08same, the question would be really helpful full me but definitely don’t touch me when I’m disregulated
As a child who literally survived a crippling childhood by being abandoned often and shamed for being tender or gentle or having feminine tastes as a male, this makes so much more sense than any other explanation I’ve heard that relates to why I just feel broken. I don’t trust people anymore where before I was clingy and wanted approval now it’s like I outgrew that and now I’m just numb and I find that not caring is a social norm that’s protected me when I’ve been dumped or abandoned. I used to tell myself “just pretend it doesn’t matter” and I found now that I can’t express how I feel any more and I’m disjointed and confused about what matters in life. Ending just makes more sense than trying to live up to someone’s expectations of earning enough or having this or that. I’m lucky to be alive. That’s all I can say.
No one has ever related so much to me in my life…
I have added a response to the video and I was reading yours. I applaud your willingness to be open about yourself, but I also encourage you to work on yourself to gain a bit of self love. If you can love yourself, the rest gets easier. But loving yourself does not mean always liking yourself, but that is normal response when you do something less than perfect. It took me 10 years of hard work to be able to tell myself I did a good job and truly mean it, and I still have times in crisis when I feel like I am inadequate or not deserving of love, this is where having a partner I trust is helpful. Keep working, the work never ends and cPTSD is not curable, but it can be managed and the pain lessened with work and honesty with yourself and those you trust.
Blessings and love sent your way friend, I hope you find your path to overcome all that makes living hard. 😊
has your numbness and avoidance also meant sometimes ghosting blocking who got too close though?
I feel a lot of guilt about how I've treated people in high school and college due to dysregulation.... I want to apologize to them badly...
I so understand you - I am there, too 🙁. I have luckily found that many times they still hold me close, not always
I feel you.....remorse means you have a moral compass. Hold on and be proud you have one.
Still struggling with this too . When I'm triggered I'm going over the cliff and everybody is coming with me. Then I'm ashamed later
We are interesting & difficult people to be in a relationship with. We struggle with ourselves too!
Absolutely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
But any man or person that takes the time to get us,will get a survivor, and a little gem.
Truly!!! We bought the lies and often find it hard to love ourselves. This really limits the capacity to love others!💜🙏
This describes my late husband’s struggle 💯 %......I remember once when we were dating he told me “I get upset sometimes and it takes a day or 2 for me to feel better “.....wish we would’ve known this in ‘02💔💔.....decades of this sadly affected his heart in many ways so for those who experience this ......check your heart regularly 💝💝💝
Your words are very touching! I’ve been dating a guy for a year now with PTSD it’s been a little challenging but my shock is when you talk to friends and family they say things like “just dump him!” But we have great times together and he’s so good to me and I don’t think you should necessarily throw people out because they are broken!
This has made me feel isolated because I can’t talk to people without them being negative and dismissive. 😢
totally agree
I didn't have a partner. Can't get one. My childhood trauma ripped away my confidence/ courage. No one wants me even though I've been told I look like a Brad pit/arnold Schwarzenegger hybrid. My anxiety takes over and I always freak out.
Same. Well, not the looks, but the problem.
I spent 2 weeks recently planning my escape. From faces. From sounds. Sometimes I cannot take any more.
My daughter waited it out, and when I started clearing in my mind, she was there with a hug and a tissue.
I am forever grateful
Hey soul sister! 😀💝
Whenever I start acting goofy my wife calls my other personality Stanley.. And it's actually helped me cope, and slow myself down to think.
That's great experience to share!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My husband is so tolerant of me, it's crazy. I am respectful of him, but I tend to get VERY anxious in public or when something goes wrong and he's so calming and reassuring and knows how to comfort me when I'm scared. I could not be more grateful, I'm a handful!
I have recognized when I'm about to "flip out" I am still struggling with taking a civilized 5 min. time out. Usually I storm away, slam doors, cuss, etc. Trying to fix that. Thanx Anna.
It takes practice but it gets easier!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yep! But, I stopped after damaging doors🤦♀️
Now, I throw or underhand toss something but by choice not impulse.
It can release my tension to have a target far far away into the beautiful back yard, plus going outside helped, large muscle movement helped, & to see the object in the yard later helped, too. When I see it lying there, I am in a better place and can giggle and learn the anger passes, and forgive myself for being silly.
Now, I’m able to step back more often, so throwing is not happening as often… and picking up the items got old fast 🤦♀️ 😉
A few of these videos once a day were immensely helpful. I then watched them twice a week, & then I watched a few once a week and now as needed.
When I’m not grounded or I’m spinning I sit in my cozy nest, my relaxing chair, my safe spot, for a few minutes with my back straight and ears over shoulders. When I want extra support, I know I can watch my favorite fairy & become 🤞 less ignorant 🧚🏻♂️ assuming I can absorb the info.
(I noticed when rewatching my tagged favorites, if video seem like new info as if I was watching for the first time I obviously wasn’t processing. I’d stop, close my eyes and slowly count down from 10. If 10 seemed too long, I’d repeat from 10! 🤣🤣
(I am worth more than a minute ♥️)
Learning to recognize my own dysregulation was more than half the battle. I can now calmly communicate I need to give myself a timeout when it happens, reliably. Flipping out is just a memory. Hang in there.
It can be done ..23 years now. Like Anna said anyone can dysregulate, the challenging moments is when I dysregulate which throws her into immediate dysregulation. Learning all that I have in the past year has helped a lot to navigate that ... Thank You Anna!
My wife and I both have cptsd. We fought for years not knowing the mechanics always making up of course. It took 3 things to move forward
Recognizing disregulation when its happening
Being supportive and present to my wife and her to me when it happens.
A commitment from both to do the work.
I've had 4 major relationships. The first 3 either didn't know themselves or knew but would not do the work. I couldn't stay with any of them it became too much. The 3rd even physically assaulted me and died later from alcoholism :(
I found a wonderful person in my 4th try. We had fireworks and even nights where the cops were called. But we now know and make it through episodes in a supportive and loving way. I feel like I am finally healing and she has said she also feels she is healing. It is more incredible than I ever dared to dream. Anna knows what she is talking about and I hope you and your partner find the work. I also credit meditation as a major factor of awareness of disregularion.
Thank you for this video. I can never put my feelings, needs or wants into words, if I try all that happens is crying, and feeling stupid and embarrassed. Thanks for being my voice 🖤
So glad you're here! We're all rooting for you. -Calista@TeamFairy
Same here. It's so frustrating trying to get my feelings out without crying .. I thought I was the only one ❤
My husband is great for me. I can see myself more clearly, because he is good at not becoming disregulated when I am. I am so honest with him, and myself through our relationship, once I literally yelled "I don't understand why you won't just do what I want you to do when I went you to do it!". We both laughed and the argument dissipated, but it opened my eyes.
I found this channel by searching how to best support a new person in my life who happens to have gone through hell growing up. Weirdly, I have now realized that my neglectful childhood has had more of an effect on my life than I thought.
I would love to hear your thoughts on two people in a relationship who both struggle with dysregulation. I have CPTSD and my partner doesn't claim to have a crappy childhood, but his attachment style closely resembles Dismissive Avoidant. He's a great guy, not abusive, not a narcissist, but we struggle so much with communication during fights.
This was me and my ex. He’s in denial. Great insight.
Sounds like my ex husband and I.
This might be my current marriage
Me too!! I've tried to write things down and give him time to process....
Same...😢
I’ve been watching your videos for a few months and I am now realizing that when I was growing up, I was experiencing dysregulation from early childhood trauma. It showed up in my academic performance. I went from being a straight A student to daydreaming and feeling depressed but not understanding why and my grades slowly started to decline. I went from easily understanding new course material and getting a perfect score on ever test I took to feeling confused anxious and fearful.
I knew things had changed but I didn’t know what to do about it. The saddest part of CPTSD is not being able to escape or protect oneself from the repercussions of the traumatic events
This happened to me too.
I am single but every time you say abandonment I start crying so hard. I've just learned about c-ptsd Because I was recently the beginning of this month diagnosed it. If I would have known it most likely would have saved a few good relationships 😭😭😭😭
He refuses to communicate... he goes straight to gaslighting.
Look into Gottman studies and communication tips/things to avoid. Maybe sending him a chart of the four horsemen of a relationship will help him to try.
Same
Mine - he’s HAD therapy, doesn’t need more, refuses meds - big pharma is trying to kill everyone. I’m codependent with crap boundaries, and at some point if I get better and he won’t, this,
“fat c$nt”, is going to leave. I can only look out for me. After 20+ yrs, I have regulation issues
My partner is the one increasing my CPTSD. He has high narcissistic traits and when I’m dysregulated, he pushes me into panic attacks and leave me to cry after raging out on me. I don’t want to be in relationships anymore with anyone. I’m 30 and feel I’ll be this way until it kills me like it did my mom at 53
Omggggg you are not alone in the feeling. It’s going to feel impossible but when n if you’re able plz get out😢. Easier said than done but literally please keep trying bc it WONT GET BETTER. Only YOU can bc they will never be able to. Sending love and at least for the moment, kiss your hand and then place it on your forehead and take a breath.
You deserve love even if you can only manage a forehead kiss. Bc this is what I’d do for you if you needed it so why not give yourself what you’d like to give another person in your situation. ❤
I can't express how you just eloquently explained the "battle" I have found myself in. THANK YOU for creating this free content. As the spouse who has been desperately been trying to communicate thank you for helping me to understand how I can help my spouse vs "pushing" for "appropriate" behavior; ahh-ha-moment when you explained moments of disregulation wow! Your have given me a sparkle of hope in the midst of a dark evening.
I have to live life in total solitude now as my temper is getting harder to control and my heart is difunctional due to the toll 48 years of abuse at the hands of my former parents and co-parenting children with another narcissist has taken. It wouldn't be fair to ruin a healthy person with this monkey round my neck.
That's your CPTSD talking. You need people and are worthy of real love. Healing your wounds and building a life you want are worth every shred of determination and effort it takes to learn how to re-regulate and come to love yourself. You can do this.🌟💓🌟
This could change with some techniques implemented Anna talked about. This free course is really helpful and something to do daily bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Help. Im finally ready to come to terms with a diagnosis from 5 years ago. Ptsd. Obviously its Cptsd. My pride stands in the way. Disassociate 99% of the day.. sometimes I just stand there and check out.. even while receiving my change at the store. Or making a simple decision over what kinda bacon to buy. I check out. Black out. Can't think. Then break down and leave the store. Every one turned on me ... covered up these crimes.... and made sure every single person thought I was a crazy person. My mom is Def a sociopath. Its time to tell my story.
Glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
My ex and I probably BOTH had CPTSD and it's far too late to save THAT relationship - but thank you for putting out these videos so that everyone going through aspects of this kind of disregulation and trauma can feel support and hope.
I had a childhood and adolescence that was torchering in many forms: mental, physical, and situational. I was neglected, shamed, blamed, beaten, SA'd, and witnessed brutal and dirty death and suicide multiple times. I never had a safe place because my home was not safe, school was not safe, and friends' houses were not safe. My only safe place was alone.
I am now 42 yrs old, married for 17 years, and have one child. I have been working on the effects of my childhood for almost half my life, and my wife has become my biggest tool. Being honest and forthcoming with my triggers has helped me to be accountable about my behaviors and gives my wife a chance to change her approach to our conversation, and her response to my trauma caused reactions so that she can talk to my illness and not me. Getting better takes everyone in the ill person's life to understand the illness and respect the process of growth and treatment.
Being ill dies not give the person an excuse to be hurtful, but not being taken serious or disregarding the illness can worsen the response as most CPTSD victims really have nothing to loose and will respond with hurtful words and actions to try to feel some kind of control. This needs to be addressed on both sides of the relationship and a compromise can be found in a time of not being in crisis, it just takes all involved to be educated and willing to work hard to find what works.
If you are the partner of someone with cPTSD reading this, you are not a punching bag and should not allow abuse. But with that being said, you must also not be an abuser. Stay calm, stay humble, and be willing to learn and grow trust with your partner in times of crisis and not. If you are not able to do that, it may time for you to evaluate your situation and do what is right for both of you. Please be kind and respectful to all involved and, most of all, take care of yourself...blessings to you all.
46 and just found out this is me 100%. I have learned to compensate for SO long that I'm better in behavior but that dysregulation is even a word is so validating. I'm taking your course.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 91. This was the first time I heard of it. I knew this was not the whole story. I now know it is CPSD. I am so glad that their is greater knowledge base and treatments out there for folk. I just wish it came sooner for me.
Relationships between 2 ppl with CPSD will not last.. you trigger each other and it’s hard especially if one is always disregulated and won’t get help. After it was over I felt better and his disregulation could not affect me anymore.. he was negative and yes always over reactive. It was hard..
Relationships with 2 people working on healing can work, seen it many times. My husband and I do Daily Practice together every day :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ty for your positivity and reply.
This is great... my fear, though, is for those whose partners have trouble with their own accountability. They may hear this and decide that it's always the partner with cptsd causing the issues or overreacting when that's not always the case. While our cptsd is troublesome, there are times, sometimes many, when the partner is doing things that we have every right to be upset about.
I know that's not what you're saying, but perhaps touching on this point would be very beneficial. We don't want to be blamed for everything just because we have issues with regulating. Typical people can act out, too.
do agree that is very valid point as well
Thank you for this comment. This is my situation.
@@cjasper8916 you're very welcome ❤️
It would really be nice to meet someone who understands
As someone with cptsd this makes me sad, I know it’s my responsibility to put in the work but I did t create the damage but now I have to fix it all on my own? It’s not fair and I don’t want to be in the victim mindset but I’m so tired of life knocking me down and being helpless to actually change things. Life gets so chaotic and busy with kids, bills and obligations how am I supposed to actually find the time to heal especially when the healing is so explosive. I’m drowning and ive been asking for help and no one has come to help me and I can’t do this on my own but it seems like I have too with no support
I understand there is not time but also, once you have a community of healing, other tasks of life just become easier :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
"especially when the healing is so explosive" I can really relate to that and it is true. volatile unpredictable emotions finally coming out, in stages, depending on how hard they were all packed in there. Finding some new ways to hang on when this is happening helps me and a great thing to hang onto is being able to see that other people (like on this channel) truly understand the reality of it.
Always great teaching.
And a “memo to self”……
B R E A T H E while watching.
I know right?
@eileen_corado thanks for watching :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It is so hard to live with CPTSD. I feel like it ruins every relationship in my life. From self-harm and always feeling like I need reassurance all the time or I feel like I might not be good enough. I really can't see putting someone through a relationship with me.
Maybe there's work to do before you're ready, and you can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hang in there bud, we are all in the same boat just having different paddles
With someone with PTSD, thank you for not making me so alone. This is exactly how I feel🥺
Having CPTSD doesn’t mean there will be abuse. I have never abused anyone and I have a really hard time with my symptoms. I tend to get confused and hurt and get away. It’s useful ppl know about CPTSD but I find it unnecessary to mention this much (in the video and comments) to people that the should leave ASAP if abuse happens because I believe most of that “abuse “ is just the consequence of a lot of suffering and helplessness that isn’t always managed as well but doesn’t necessarily mean maltreatment. I suffer alone. I know my CPTSD is my business and focus on the objective. This is what you did that hurt me , that’s all I say, then I go suffer somewhere else.
That being said I’m so gratefull for you Crappy childhood fairy. You have no idea the huge positive impact your videos have in my life. God bless you and your family❤
This was so helpful, thanks to you, Anna, and your husband. I have no husband, but my teenage son & I live together. We've both been through things. He's seen a few of your videos & is starting to gather his own knowledge around cptsd etc. The principles in this video can still be applied in our relationship. I got so much out of it & intend to implement the very practical ideas you present.
Great to hear, good luck!
-Cara@TeamFairy
amazing and helpful to have it laid out so clearly! thank you for sharing the gift you have discovered to allow you to access a joyful life in healing wounds~
This is such great information (Wisdom) that I have been searching decades for through - Proffessional health care workers/organizations, etc......, and had pretty much given up hope of finding any help.
This video is just as good for my own personal edification - knowing what is happening to me so I can get ahead of my disregulation, as well as explaining to my circle, what I am going through.
Thank you CCF!
Just started the daily practice and already I feel better. Thank you. I look forward to taking a course.
I"m so glad you're finding it helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My husband knows I have C-PTSD. I’ve included him in my therapy sessions so he can understand what I’m experiencing. However, he constantly triggers me. I explain to him what happens when he does these things, but he ignores it and continues doing so. My therapist has even told me, “He triggers you. He knows he’s doing this, and he’s not listening.” I’m to the point where I wish I could leave this marriage. I avoid him as much as I can. My family members pressure me to stay because of our children. I always feel conflicted and miserable.
Try the Daily Practice technique - it can help to be less triggered and more regulated bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Would you want your children to stay in a relationship with somone who doesn't listen and deliberately triggers them? If not I'd leave, children learn by our actions. Just my 2 cents.
Do you have an update on where things are now? I'm wondering if things cam improve by sheer force of the will (with dedicated coping techniques of course).
You're worth of love and deserve someone who loves you even when you don't feel lovable. Staying in a loveless marriage with someone who is so inconsiderate isn't setting a healthy message for your kiddo. They need to know the love they deserve, and that starts from mom because dad isn't capable. Mom needs to love herself. She deserves it. So does your kiddo.
I play your videos daily whilst i do my jobs. Thankyou for helping me get through the day
This came at the perfect time. Thanks for this video.
I have that husband. He got this going in. I learned about CPTSD and BPD in 2019. Boom! Mine was BAD. But there is no excuse for me to act it out. I appreciate this video and will show it to him.
Love, Abbe in VA
I SO wish you'd been around (and that RUclips had been around) back in 1997 and throughout the 2000s during my late teens and 20s!
I would be totally dysregulated and explode at my partners, be horribly verbally abusive, and I had no idea why. I had no idea what triggers were (now they're SO obvious).
Over years and years I finally figured out that I was anxious and then I thought I had Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and THEN I realised I have BPD, and now only in this past year, realised I have CPTSD.
By the time I was 30-35, I didn't explode when dysregulated anymore. I realised through much self analysis that it was a choice and I didn't express myself that way anymore after that.
I'm not quite sure how I express my dysregulation now. I'm on antidepressants so I feel a bit dull which I guess helps, I kind of withdraw...I sleep a lot. I accept things, to an extent anyway.
I'm curious about when (and if) CPTSD becomes BPD, or develops on top of the pre-existing CPTSD. What causes some people with CPTSD to develop BPD and some people not to?
Thank you so much for this video. My partner would have found it SO useful back in the day. One of my best friends is dysregulated VERY FREQUENTLY (she never expresses it to me in an abusive way, but I see it in SO many ways. She has BPD and CPTSD also) and I am wondering if your channel might help her. She isn't as self aware as I've managed to be. She often seems unable to realise her behaviour is her responsibility, even when she's regulated (and yet she's very wise and self-aware at those times), and insists that others are to blame (both in the past and the present).
Thanks again! ⚘
Just wanna say, I also got the Intermittent Explosive Disorder label in the 90's, I think it's hilarious now but at the time I felt like a freak!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you! Nice video. Started seeing a guy with cptsd, have talked every day for 15 weeks, meet on weekends. I am being mild, loving, him too, just I feel he is very often nervous, anguished, etc. He is seeing a therapist since before we met. I would like us to talk more openly, but in the same calm manner as this far. I can feel many times he goes from feeling wonderful to supernervous, 'need to leave', in seconds.
Ok, just asked for your free workshop. You are making perfect sense. So for some reason this resonates with my spirit. Starting here and now. At 66, I am done carrying this, this something that I have never understood the why of. Mahalo nui loa! 🌸V
The true genius of the CC Fairy: understanding what is happening is the key to resolution. this is a revelation to me. Mil gracias forever!
Love how you get it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
thank you for all the good you do. it gives hope
This was such an excellent talk!! I shared it on Facebook!
Thanks so much for your amazing wisdom!!
It helps so much to hear your description of disregulation!!!
It took me 3 days to recover from my most recent one!
My heart would not stop pounding 🥵🥵🥵
I take ownership in myself and my responses!!
If I can not reboot I isolate until I can renter the world 🙏💜🙏💜🙏
Thanks so much for this comment!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for explaining. Your videos really make my life lot easier suffering from I felt so alone and thought nobody understands me.
My BF gets frustrated that I can't remember when specific events happened, but I can remember the event in detail. He is also annoyed that I get scared over loud noises, when he sighs or makes certain hand gestures, etc. I feel like I'm in survival mode all the time. It's so exhausting. 😢 Also feeling like I'm less than for being like this.
I understand, I'm glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too..dates and even years blur..but the details of the event ..I find that if I go back a bit I can time stamp it. Time travel is no fun. Very disregulating..especially when you want to move forward and leave what is in the past where it belongs. Today is a gift. One more day to try and get it right. A work in PRO GRESS. NO REGRESSION ..IT HAPPENS..DONT GET STUCK.
I have CPTSD my husband actually found you and showed me ive started to understand so much more and my husband has realized whats really happening to me my husband is just amazing he helps me so much with breathing techniques he also several months ago stopped engaging with me when I have meltdowns when it's gone past the point of breathing techniques he won't engage with an argument when I'm not in a rational state the past few years I've gotten to a point where it is extremely hard for me to be in a car more than a few miles from my house if i could get away with never leaving my home i wouldn't he helps me breathe he'll even pull over when it's gone too far for me to handle he used to yell at me thinking that I was doing this on purpose it gives me so much fear and anxiety that I pass out sometimes I feel like I need to jump out and he'll put my head into his arm and he'll talk to me about anything else in the softest voice it helps so much when im in that fear i truly believe something is going to happen like a blowout the vehicle flipping resulting in death and i can visually see it over and over so hes so much more understanding now I have fears of someone always hurting me so he got me a German Shepherd and he got security system because he's a truck driver and I'm a stay-at-home mom he wanted me to feel more comfortable I have flashbacks and I zone out yeah he always finds a way to get my attention and snaps me out but i also had a hard time with talking to my husband about the horrible things that happened to me so he suggested that i write it down in a notebook and then i gave him permission to read it as long as i wasn't around when he did it so he finally got to understand everything he did thank me for trusting him enough to let him in we've been married for 10 years hes begged me to let him in the entire time to trust him so he cried and it was the biggest relief to let him in and i feel bonded to him so much more and he is just so Awesome sauce im so thankful for having a great person to spend .
My life with im so glad he had such patience with me hes the first man to never lay a hand on me hes the first man to treat me right i love him with everything in me i am doing better with showing him how i feel inside im just so glad my husband found you and showed me thank you
What an extraordinary story.What a beautiful description of love shown through understanding, patience, and going the extra mile to find out about CPTSD! If I gave out medals, I'd like to give one to each of you.
THANK YOU so much for this insightful video. Right when I needed it. I'm learning how to approach my partner without triggering their CPTSD.
That's wonderful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so helpful to me. Thank you so very much. 💜
Thank you Anna. I have found your videos so helpful. Learning about dysregulation was my AH-HAH moment. Since then, I"ve been journaling a lot about my feelings and fears and I've been able to keep things under control a lot, especially when my partner becomes dysregulation or overreacts. There's still a lot of work ahead but at least I see a way out now. Thank you.
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Awesome, and I have gotten some help, it wells up what I recognized about severe problems, and of course the relationship issues. It can lead to guilt or being even more detached when starting to understand it, but with a lot of time slowly is an ability to let's say, get better. Mindfully, practicing to ground.... You put an awful lot of condensed and even difficult material from both sides into this, and from past videos, but the direction is very positive to practice and practice in recovery. I was going to mention/ ask in past, I know some people shy away from the lable Borderline and the difference or similarity to CPTSD and why some simply won't throw the term BPD into the mix, although it does seem like a broad specturm.
My ex has cptsd. I have ptsd. A lot of terrible things happened in 2021 that were terrible and I shut down when I thought I was past my ptsd. Turns out I wasn't. I also didn't learn enough of the difference when we were together. I know what being deregulated is. Ive had similar panic attacks to her. I just didn't realize all the flat moods. It felt like she didn't care when I made a lot of effort to do things. It make sense she mirrored me when I shut down. I went to therapy to figure out what happened and recover from the year. My first therapist set me back a lot even though I explained to them she has cptsd. So many things on this channel explain what happened in our relationship (when we had a very loving relationship until I had 3 terrible things happen to me in the span of 3 months and I shut down) and I just wish she would share these videos with her new partner.
Your videos have been BAM 💥 I have an adult daughter with intellectual disabilities who has suffered traumas. I adopted her at 3 1/2. Moving forward, she’s now 23 and in my observations and interactions I’ve seen a lot of what you speak of in her reactions. She’s gotten sone help, but I feel like you mention. Therapy is a great place for her to talk. But, yup, that but. She is challenged, things go slower. I think reliving junk don’t help. She’s grow a lot. it has it place, but then what just go in circles? Right now we are struggling. I’ve been her main “teacher, disciplinarian, trainer, coach, etc” but she’s growing much changing, stuff has happened. Effected us both. She wants independence. I want her too, but challenges. Also, I’m trying to learn how to better respond when my feelings rise, cause things I see she don’t see. But she tells me the same. I don’t see her way, either. I’m tried to treat her as anyone else. But I feel she needs some personal training now, as I feel I too. Your videos have been enlightening to me. I have yet to try to share them with her. Wondering if you have had anyone approach you with an adult with intellectual dials ability and if you’d handle the sane( perhsos a little slower or low key, I suppose). Any thoughts?
How do we know if it’s safe to share information like this with our mate?
Hi, I really want to share with the man I’ve been living with for two years. We met under challenging financial circumstances for both of us.
A six weeks ago I asked him to move out and give us space for 30 days. I was so triggered and angry all the time that I knew I was doing damage to both of us.
I found your videos after going down the rabbit hole to figure out what it was about him, the way he reacted/responded/handled me and the patterns we repeatedly found ourselves.
This lead me to narcissism - first I was worried that I might be. Then I determined it was he who was treating me that way.
Then I came across your work. And, it resonates so powerfully to me. I’m using your suggestions about writing and meditating and it is helping. Also, not having him in the house and both of us using the house as our office as well as home is helping.
I’m not sure how if our relationship will survive this separation. Part of me wants to share this video with him because I wish that it would be helpful. The other side of we thinks it is dangerous, that he will use it against me - another weapon to point to me being the primary problem in the relationship and he never has to take any responsibility for things going off the rails.
What if it’s not just me that is contending with CPSD?
How do we know if it’s safe to share information like this with our mate?
If you think a person would use any kind of information against you, particularly information that you believe sheds light on your struggles and your needs, they are not your "mate." They are not even a friend, and I'd encourage you to look at the problem in your hands right now -- that you have somehow chosen (perhaps driven by past trauma) to attach yourself to someone who is not on your side. Now that you have taken a break, this is your chance to experience the difference. Breaks in relationships (even bad ones) can involve grief and will require some strength if you are to really stay open-minded to what is best for you. If you conclude this relationship is not good for you, just remember: It can help to be single for a while to really give your focus to your own healing. One day you can meet someone who likes who you are, who loves you and wants the best for you, and who is strong enough to support you when your symptoms are flaring. That good relationship has better chances when YOU have some healing. When you feel clearer about the source of your harsh emotions, knowing when they are flashbacks from the pst, and when they are coming from a present day circumstance. Most of us here know what it's like to doubt our perception. Damaged perception is a trauma injury. You might think: "Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just being unreasonable." And that's a possibility too. Sometimes that's part of the mix. To be confused about whether we're the problem or the victim is VERY common and healing is sorely needed to hold up our side of a good relationship. Healing inside of a hard relationship is pretty challenging, but not impossible. But when you say you think you have to hide the reason you struggle from someone so they don't put you down or worse -- it sounds like a trauma-driven choice of partner.
Coming to this just now but I wish I’d had it 18 years ago when my relationship started. It’s the first time I’ve been able to work out what’s going on with my wife!
I'm gratefully receiving this profoundly helpful insight. Thank you. 🙏🏻 💫💖
I just recently found your channel and alot of this make sense to me. I am sure both my husband and I have CPTSD. At this point in time I have checked out, I just make the daily motions. The worst part is I feel like I snap at him for the littlest things. I have hope that going through your videos will be a great start for the both of us. ---- Brandy
Brandy ❤️
you mean like he had a heart attack or sth?
Brilliant piece of the puzzle for me. Thank you
Wonderful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So good I find your channel, thank you for your job
Thank you so much for this!!! This is a big aha moment for me...staying calm works pretty well...
But yeah not always....I'm learning how to stir a conversation when it turns...thanks so much for your tools and tips!!!
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna, this is a great resource x
So much useful and accessible information - thank you 🙏🏻☀️☀️☀️
Thank YOU for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your help and support.
Always welcome
Thank You for your quick response on how to get to your downloads.
Of course!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for this video ❤
This was common in my marriage…
I’m now divorced…
My husband was a malignant Narcisst
Coupled with signs very of CPTSD, we majorly triggered each other..
leaving/running was his common response… he became verbally abusive..
I finally filed realizing I didn’t want to do life that way..,, I asked him about a childhood hurt once and what he described was shocking…
I realized what was going on snd worked not to triggered him… but it wasn’t reciprocal …, I’m working on myself…
Your podcast is incredibly insightful and helpful…
Thank you for being you!!!!snd realizing the need for this..
I’m working on my daily practice..
It took losing a love to find myself.
This is the same situation I’m in. He pushes me to mental breakdowns and rages before walking away. Leaving me alone and it’s most painful thing ever besides the lost of my mom. My mom had severe CPTSD and died at 53 due to stress induced illnesses. I’m 30 and I already am worse of than my mom was at my age. She had a successful nursing career up until 45. Me on the other hand, can’t work, can’t concentrate or focus. Lost all my talents (art, painting, and creating stuff) dropped out of University at 23, and have no family nor friends. I lost my ability to do things I love. I think I’ll die earlier than my mom did. And at the stage, I’m ok with that it would be freedom from this painful existence. I have lived this way my entire life. And I’m tired. My mom said repeatedly before she passed that she was just tired.
we're not like narcissists, we don't pretend to be one, because we understand the pain they drive into people's minds. we can have similar behaviors but different brain structures and functioning mechanisms. Please the pain inside us is never forgotten try to understand us better...
Thank you very much. Another helpful video helping my knowledge regarding my Partners CPTSD, which we basically met because of my Empathetic Personality and helping him when we first met due to I was going out to Socialize after a devastating prior relationship..I love being around people and socializing, which leads to wonderful conversation and new ideas about how to enjoy everyday of Life... My Partner sits quietly all the time. I never yell, only try to discuss happiness thoughts and ideas. Mental Social Happiness is one of the Strongest Parts about Loving everyday of Life.
I will be Successful eventually. I'm a good Life Manager...I Love Empathy.
i was greatly helped with the 'circular, never resolving, and damaging' arguments when my partner told me i was making him feel 'nervous.' It horrified me. I always thought he was just bored and uninterested when I was trying to 'get through to him' in a circular argument. I never even considered how it was hurting him. Hearing him tell me that made me have a change in my mind and heart.
That's serious growth!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What I was told as a kid with Asperger's and abuse is that the world isn't going to kiss my ass. Best advice I ever had. I chose not to wallow in this and to let it go and adjust. It wasn't perfect, but I don't expect everyone in the world to bend and conform to suit me. Get over it. Get over yourself.
Unless your with a narc, all bets are off with a narc.
All I can say today right now is Thank You
your videos are huge for me. thank you.
Glad you like them!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for this. My fiance is at her mom's right now because I accused her of being a manipulator(AGAIN) while I was dysregulated. Just sent this to her and she's watching it now.
This is so wonderful 💜 thank you!
Glad you like it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. My partner has cptsd and I want to be there for him and help him, but when he gets disregulated he insults me and he recently called me a c****. When he isn’t triggered he is the sweetest most loving person, but when he is triggered I can’t bear it. This has been so emotionally draining for me, but this video has really helped. I am planning to take your free course to calm myself in those situations so I look forward to that.
My recent partner broke up with me today.. after stoping me from ending the relationship countless times when I knew my symptoms were hurting both of us. He kept trying to apply solutions and we even had a signal word for when I was triggered. And assured me he wanted to do this with me and be supportive. But then out of nowhere today, came clean that he really couldn’t handle it anymore, after spending lastnight and this morning, right before thanksgiving dinner with my family. I hate this.
Anna you are so gentle. Thank you.
Thank YOU for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Are you able to do a video about betrayal for people with cptsd? I have cptsd and was with my husband for close to10 years in what I thought was a secure stable & loving marriage with one child. He left 3 years ago- met someone else he liked more it seems. I feel like I have been disregulated for 3 years straight! Does the betrayal and abandonment hit people with cptsd harder? Even when I think I want to heal the relationship between us as co-parents I am constantly triggered by his actions. Even when he picks up our daughter I feel disregulated as it brings back how much I hate what he has done to our daughters life (and mine!).... any advice on this would be great... it is awesome to have a great partner who wants to work with you- but when someone skips out and damages any sense of safety and security - what next?
Hi Maddi, abandonment (neglect) and abuse (major betrayal) are at the core of cPTSD in my understanding. That's why they are so triggering in life experience. In physical terms it's like a gaping wound that hasn't healed. If you're watching this chanel, I would say you are taking your first steps towards healing.
THIS 👆
I think she's asking how to re- regulate after contact with her ex, who left her and there is unresolved conflicts with. This seems likely to be a common and unavoidable issue, as co- parents are often daily fixtures in each other's lives (co-parenting demands a high level of contact if you're both invested in the child(ren). She says she feels betrayed and often triggered after interactions. Obviously, they aren't working it out, so he's not likely to work with her anymore than needed and she seems to a lot of pain. A video on how to empower yourself when you're suddenly left behind, because of unresolved CPTSD issues, and how to power on, regardless, because you have to, would be more helpful. Best wishes to you, dear. I hope you find something you can dig into into that takes that pain away.
I’m in the exact same position. My husband blindsided me after 20 years of marriage.
Yes! This is me! It’s been eight years! The trauma from what my husband put me through is worse than anything I went through as a child, and I had a very crappy childhood!
I'm 65 and never got a diagnosis
The counselors I saw had no clue back in the day.
Everything you say sounds exactly like how I em, at first I thought it was PTSD but I think its this form of PTSD, I feel bad for my wife because she doesn't understand why I go from happy to sad to enraged. I love my wife been with her 16 years and feel like I'm just going downhill, I'm seeking treatment finally and trying to get help. I'm listening to this to try and understand why I'm like that, I did go through multiple childhood trauma leading into adulthood left untreated. I want to change so seeking help and treatment I see as a step forward to a happy life. I just feel lost and alone like no one is there or understands. Sometimes I'll be happy and it'll just trigger out of nowhere. I just want my wife to be happy but I also want to feel at peace
Sending you encouragement! Glad you're here.
-Calista@TeamFairy
This is great.
no matter how sad it is,sometimes it's just better to give up.
I know that feeling breatheliveandthrive7404 and that’s a very painful thought to have. That suffocating feeling of being defeated and like there’s no way out of this. I just ask you to keep going. To keep fighting for the life you deserve to live and not live in survival mode. I know the feeling all too well.
This is a lifelong journey of fixing and honestly it starts with us loving ourselves to know that we can get there someday. I’m wishing you all the luck on this brutal journey. Sending love and light❤️🫂❤️
This is great. Thank you so much
Thanks so much for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love the comment about flat affect! So true!
New student here. I know I have CPTSD with dysregulated emotions it shows up as anxious, ruminating thoughts. BUT can’t CPTSD also show up as dismissive, avoidant tendencies? Those people get quiet, need space (lots of it) and are very difficult to grow a mutually loving relationship with. In this latter case, how can we talk about dysregulation with that person, knowing they have CPTSD also, when it is the former who looks like the unhealthy, crazy one?
We can't really ever talk about anyone else's CPTSD if we aren't invited to.
-Cara@TeamFairy
such a helpful video..thanks so much for all you do for CPTSD. The wording around issues that come from being abused...the symptoms that come form abuse...the distrust..etc...need some rewording to take that next step towards compassion and care and taking the stigma off of mental injury. We are getting there...and making great strides. Taking "harsh" words and either changing the word or explaining in more detail...may be one way to help this. Hearing something like you "do not need to stay around a CPTSD" is old school wording and how our cult-ure dealt with mental injury. That wording will NOT get us to the new road...as it is worded in the old way. I am thinking of what it could be, as we are so wired in language. Maybe something like, finding ways to work through things in safe ways ( is the healthy path) and using texting in safe places to discuss triggering things (is the directive, solution, safe way to do the working through part). Just one idea...as I am sure there are many. People with mental injury CAUSED by someone else...already FEEL they are not worth being with anyone, especially in this cult-ure that has pushed this stigma and solution. It feels defeating to hear these old ways of saying things used...when we can find other ways to help lead away from old controlling language and towards an "ethics of care" language. Thanks for ALL you do for this COMPLEX mental health injury caused from the abuse by someone else and the lack of care by a society that was programmed to look the other way and support abusers by silence. BRAVO to YOU!