Neglect in Childhood Primes You To Tolerate Avoidant Partners (and Think It's Just You)
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- Опубликовано: 26 июл 2022
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CPSTD may explain why some people are abusive, but does that make the behavior OK? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who planned to leave her abusive marriage -- but then discovered the root cause of her husband's behavior may be trauma during his childhood. Should she give him another chance? Hear my reply.
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“We somehow feel that it is shameful and unspeakable that we want someone to stay with us and to love us.” So much of this here. 💔
Yes, exactly. Because people start to label that as “needy”
😢😢😢me too
If you are a normal and healthy person, no you absolutely cannot be happy with an avoidant. Ever.
Yes I agree
What of a self aware avoidant whos making improvements and is directly confronting their issues, although slowlyl?
@@itayb8169 Wishful thinking. Slowly means confronting at age 30 and resolving at 75.
@@itayb8169: They're less and less avoidant over time then.
I have learned to stop trying to saw the horns off of a goat in order to get a sheep.
I no longer try to fix others in order to have a good fit. That's their job.
I've learned to be happy with myself until the person for me comes along and in the meantime keep working on myself.
exactly! ❤️
I love that analogy!
Saw the horns so difficult yet we try all our lives doing it instead of finding a 🐑sheep...
Felt
@Club Retro A lot of the confidence we see in others is an act. (Many of) the ones who seem cool, calm, & collected are the ones who have built a wall of self defense on the exterior bc they've been broken on the inside. It frustrates me bc I'm usually very open & honest (& friendly). People tend to perceive that as weak or vulnerable (based on my experiences), but I think being my authentic self is evidence of more self confidence & strength than the alternative. Be wary of the phonies who seem too good to be true. They usually are.
Everything in me says RUN. Hearing her talk about her boyfriend's behavior, it makes me think he's got serious issues that are not safe for an intimate relationship.
I’m sorry you are going through this pain, but have you tried mircodosing shrooms?...I have researched and found out that shrooms are very helpful, it has really helped my CPTSD, anxiety and depression. I do recommend it for you, contact the handle on my RUclips title for guidance.
Or he has a whole other life like a wife and kids already.
I find it interesting how we use the word “relationship” even when there is, objectively speaking, no relationship to speak of. The teeny tiny bit of “good” we may experience does not constitute a relationship. I’m so grateful I don’t do crumbs any more but it is a very recent development!
I love the meetings needs vs. hopes, etc.
I feel like you need to talk in a relationship though, right?
Like, the person doesn’t need to bend to your will, or do it for you necessarily because you want them to, but it is a personal need for a relationship to work….
Communication is vital
I can relate. I too tolerated crumbs for most of my adult life until I met and married my current husband - who treats me like a queen. It's hard to take in his love for me sometimes, but I continue to work on it. We are both working on ourselves. He is dismissive-avoidant, so he's not super polished when it comes to discussing feelings, but he's caring, attentive, sincere and kind. I have an avoidant streak too, so I can deal with his need for space.
The guy in the letter sounds a lot like friend of mine. He's always "busy" - works hard but makes time for leisure activities & vacations, which often don't involve me. He "hates" talking on the phone yet doesn't text much either (he's rarely conversational even in person). We've been friends a long time, but when it got more serious & romantic things were more "normal." He paid attention & we spent more time together. Until it stopped. My standards were higher then so I called him out on it - he might as well have been ghosting me but we're too old for games. Don't remember his answer, if any (texting conveniently enables avoidance). I've come to the conclusion that it's never going to be more than a "situation-ship" & that he's too self absorbed/egocentric for a healthy adult relationship. I'm tired of the crumbs.
@@Lexi_Con same, tired of crumbs..theyre not fulfilling 😕
I dated an avoidant guy. We were coworkers and we only hung out and talked on our lunch breaks. I cringe thinking that I accepted those crumbs.
Run girl. This man isn’t capable of a loving relationship. You’re hooking up with your father, trying to fix your relationship.
Work on yourself. Be the person that will attract the loving emotionally mature man you will come to deserve.
It's definitely a crap fit and she's in denial of her feelings. This guy seems like he's offering the smallest of crumbs and she's standing by, waiting for them to drop. I've been there. It's agonizing and chips away at our soul's true desires. She needs to take the lead in her own life and stop wasting time on someone who's pretty much completely unavailable. This will never go in the direction she truly desires. I wish her all the best.
Perfect timing! I have an avoidance ex who makes me feel like crap for just sharing a story. I want a partner I can talk to.
Not worth it. Falling in love and loving makes you happy, stronger, calm, secure. Question all else.
Most of us with CPTSD tend to settle for less, or get into toxic relationships with people who aren't emotionally available, I'm learning to trust my gut feeling
Maisy's situation is all too familiar and painful to me. About 3 weeks ago, I had a discussion with a man I have known for awhile about needing him to reach out to me rather than me doing all the work. He told me that because of his work he was too busy and would not be able to but would "love" to hear from me otherwise. I said, "So if I don't reach out and text you, then I'll never hear from you again" and he just said, "Sorry." That was the end of it. It still feels like a major punch in the stomach but he was treating me the way I was treated by my parents as a child although I don't blame them because they were treated the same by both sets of my grandparents. The cycle is broken with me!! NO MORE OF THIS!! Thank you, Anna, for such great insight into these issues. I feel understood!!
It’s sad how easily we “crap fit,” as Anna says. I always think of the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I realise it’s become a clichéd cultural reference, but the essential message is true. If they’re interested, they let you know; it’s really that simple. My friends and I used to spend so much time when I was younger, analysing men’s motives, signals, and intentions. My dad constantly sent mixed messages to my older sister and me regarding a woman’s value. She was very pretty and popular with boys; I wasn’t. My dad would proudly introduce her to family friends but ignore me. Yet, when one guy called our house to speak to my sister, my dad called her a whore and slapped her so hard that he broke her nose. On the other hand, he rejected me because I was “ugly.” When I got older and men started to pay a little bit of attention to me, he got angry. How can you ever have a normal relationship with anyone when the most important man in your life thinks you’re worthless or values you only because you’re pretty?
@designchik: I'm so very sorry for the pain you've gone through with your father. I hope you are doing well today. 💗
@designchik I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this. You might appreciate some of the RUclips videos by RC Blakes Jr, especially his Father Daughter Talk series. He's a pastor who speaks to the empowerment of women (understanding your value, finding your purpose etc), how to have healthy loving relationships (self love, standards, establishing boundaries etc) and healing the "father wound" (as he calls it). Although I'm not religious, there's always a universal take home message in his videos and the wisdom he provides has helped to fill the cup that I never knew needed filling. Wishing you all the best 💓
@@bmorr7 Thank you. ❤️
@@rebeccatargett7057 Thanks so much. ❤️
@Kimberly A I appreciate you saying that. Thank you. ❤️
I married an avoider. 24 years of misery. And now he's alienated my children from me. They have picked up his worst traits. If you meet an avoider, just run.
I survived 37 years. He tried to turn our 3 against me, after 4 years, its getting better....
Yes , my husband is the same way and did the same thing turned all 3 of my boys against me and i cant see my grandkids . Im just waiting for Gods you reep what you sow to come back and karma hits him right between the eyes 😂
You picked a turnip LOL. That's a good one, I'm going to remember that one.
The title can you be happy with an avoidant partner. Short answer - no. Not without tolerating a lot of heartache.
Actually, I disagree with this
People are social creatures, and crave interaction.
In the other millions of other personalities, you'd not fit.
There's a craving for social interaction. There's tons who do not crave that.
Neither are wrong in what they want. You, yes You, need to be self aware in how you crave need desire interaction.
Then evaluate the person you are with to see if your "social neediness" are similar.
If you do not mesh in that social neediness scale, then breaking contact is your best option
Devaluing someone because they do not feel or think the same as you, is an unjust comment.
No more accepting mere crumbs! We deserve to have the whole cake and to eat it too! 🍓
Yes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My ex and I had an almost identical relationship. I had to do all the driving (3 hrs) to visit him most of the time. When I was there, he wasn’t really present and happy I was there. I felt like a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. When I shared with him that is what I felt, he dismissed it. About three months after I cut off the SEX, he cut off the relationship. He broke up with me, because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. Wasted 2-1/2 years of my life trying to please HIM, instead of MYSELF.
Glad you're here now, preparing to do the next relationship differently :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
He’s a narcissist….you would do yourself a lot of good to look into this personality disorder because you will attract more of these in your life. It is EXTREMELY eye opening.
@@jeanhickman6678 Actually, I’m almost 100% certain he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Oddly enough, I know that my late father had that too. Only difference between now and then is my dad was anxious and my ex was avoidant. I know he still loves me, but not nearly as much as he HATES himself. He also had a violent temper, mostly yelling at himself and calling himself terrible things, smashing things, etc. I suppose eventually it may have progressed to hitting me, but thanks to God he took off before that ever happened.
I picked my former boyfriend up: 1,5 hrs each way. Then I fell in love with an avoidant person: he ran away.
This guy has another girlfriend or a wife. WAKE UP!
Not necessarily. He could just be someone who doesn't want a full calendar all the time. In that case, he'd avoid having too many friends or more than one girlfriend.
My boyfriend is autistic and I feel very alone in our relationship sometimes. It's not cause he means to be emotionally distant but I don't think he really knows how not to be....there's no malicious intent. He does try. It often feels like our relationship is parent/child and it makes me tired because I just want to be taken care of sometimes and feel feminine.
Get rid of him I had a 7 yr relationship like that. Time wasters move on. He cant give u what u need and why would you waste your time with someone who's not all there and autistic?? You like being a parent/ teacher??
You will waste ten years of your life.
Valid points
I married someone on the spectrum.. and I left them bc they hurt me too many times, maliciously or not
I get it because I've wondered if mine is on the spectrum (undiagnosed & high functioning?). Not an expert but some research has made me curious.
Are these characteristics? Lacking in emotion & physical affection, unless you remind him? Avoids eye contact and/or nodding, smiling, responding when you're talking to him? Doesn't laugh at your jokes (mine may just not be paying attention) or acknowledge what you are saying or feeling? I don't mean any judgement by this & understand a diagnosis won't happen here... Just really confused about my friend & think I might be able to relate to your situation. You're not alone. ❤️
I have dealt with this for 20 years. Finally got up the nerve to file for divorce.
I dated someone once who didn't like to talk on the phone. We could only communicate through text or email. It didn't feel normal to me.
Mine loved phone calls, as long as he set them up ahead of time. Loved emails too, but absolutely no texting. (He couldn't handle the accessibility.) He would ignore it altogether, and even had issues with in person meet ups. Lovely guy otherwise, tons in common, and genuine love. He was just abused a lot as a kid, and didn't want to face it to get help. DIsmissive avoidants sometimes are like that. I had to walk away. This was a reconnect, we dated years ago and his avoidance just got worse over time. At least we saw each other more, then.
This man has a relationship with someone else. That’s why he won’t talk or text. He doesn’t want to get caught by the other person.
I think he seems more like he's on the Autism Spectrum....
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He probably takes the walks by himself to talk to his girlfriend
If anyone’s ever used the phone to emotionally terrorize you, it can be really hard to even have the ringer on for years later.
I still tense up almost everytime I hear my text notification thinking it's my narc mother threatening or accusing me of something all over again
WOW, Maisie, are you--what, 23, 24?--and this self-aware already? I have so much confidence you're going to find your way and find a relationship that feels more like a feast and like you won the lottery 🤗
Thanks for throwing Maisie some support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I'd had this wisdom when I was 22 and got together with the avoidant man I married at 23. He was shy and self conscious and I thought that was cute and I could relate cause I had self esteem issues too. We echoed each other. He once complained that in the eyes of others we were like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. He became unemployed, and and we became co-dependent. When his self worth plummeted, he squirreled me away and it was emotional abuse. It took me 12 years to decide to leave him, to build up the self worth. Maisy! You deserve better! Keep shopping!
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I understand about marrying an avoidant man hoping if um good enough I’ll earn his being open with hi,self and me. I can’t change him, but I can give myself what I need and grieve the loss of what I longed for.
I feel so sorry for the writer of this letter. She is not being nourished in this “relationship “, if you can even call it that. She needs and deserves so much more.
Thank you for your empathy towards the letter-writer.
Nika@TeamFairy
I find so much validation in these videos. 15 minutes here accomplishes way more than years of therapy and I've been told by multiple professionals that I have tons of awareness/ more awareness than anyone they've worked with (twice).
Appreciate your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I agree. Unfortunately, it seems like counseling/therapy has become a business. I've always hated the so-called "client-centered" approach bc it doesn't work with me unless the counselor knows the right questions to ask. I'm an overthinker who always did a lot of self reflection, so I usually had already thought of everything anyway. Most of the ones I worked with just said, "How are things going?" & sat there for 50 mins. Not even worth my co-pays.🤨😕
I suspect he is married. Walk away. Run. Now.
Came here to say this.
"Maisie," honey. Run don't walk for the nearest available exit. This fellow is at least living with a woman.
He's married.
You could last with an avoidant if you can suppress your desire to connect and grow...they are stuck so they're emotionally saturated and are what they are...any growth comes from life experiences as life is the best teacher and as sad as it is, sometimes walking away teaches them to do better...for another...maybe...
Yes im an avoidant partner, but trust me, I have just realised me in my 30s, and the whole times in my 20s I have never mean to hurt any of my ex
I love that you said partners are not meant to meet our 'needs' we are meant to do that. They either meet our hopes and desires or they don't. It's up to us to make decision if we're content with what they have to offer.
He has another life going on. That’s why he doesn’t do phone. You have something that supplies him but he’s not willing OR ABLE to commit. He’s a narcissist and he’s using you for peripheral supply. He’s cheating on someone and it’s WITH you, not ON you.
I presently have a traveling husband who travels and is gone to three cities four days a week, three weeks out of the month. He has one in every city. It doesn’t get prettier.
The Childhood Fairy is sweet and doesn’t mention this…..I speak the truth and don’t have anything to loose.Dump this guy!
I don’t tell you this with insensitivity, and I could possibly be wrong but I sure don’t think so.
Some of us are avoidant. When my repressed memories of terrible abuse and torture surfaced I lost consistent access to my will. Not being able to do what you want or need to do when you used to be a very high functioning person is excruciating. I didn’t like her general statement about avoidance because we can love and we can be comforted and I am very loyal. Just wanted to stand up for people struggling with avoidance.
Heck yeah
I’m sorry you are going through this pain, but have you tried mircodosing shrooms?...I have researched and found out that shrooms are very helpful, it has really helped my CPTSD, anxiety and depression. I do recommend it for you, contact the handle on my RUclips title for guidance.
Healing is possible :-) Be gentle on yourself!
Wow What a cold hearted creep keeping her cut off emotionally like that and the coldness of not wanting to talk on the phone, etc. Run dear girl run!! I had a relationship with a creep who before marriage called me often to connect during the week and even every night before bed he would call me and pray with me on the phone. It was all an act.... after I married him he cut me off emotionally in every way and when we were apart never called, never even bothered to call when he would not show up for dinner. It disgusts me how cold hearted some people are. I love all your comments Anna and how you reinforce the fact that we deserve to be loved and we were fooled and messed up while growing up rendering us vulnerable to these creeps. Thanks for your videos and God bless you and the writer of the letter!
Thanks for sharing with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna for another great topic. I think part of me always knows what a terrible and unfulfilling relationship is, but the other part of me tries so hard to wish, hope, and fantasize about what the relationship could or should be. The turning point for me is to realize that the pain of remaining in the relationship us worse than the thought of not having this relationship. Yes, with CPTSD, I can literally put up with anything and believe that is what I deserve (I used to believe it's my fault that things are wrong, nobody loves me, and so on). It took me years to finally understand that there is nothing wrong with me at all, and I should always put myself first.
YES!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Well said ✅ living in hope of change, no way to live. Putting your self first is the away to go but it can be so hard to do.
"No. I get to be loved".
From the perspective of someone who used to be avoidant- it can be extremely draining being around anxious and demanding people. They typically don't accept you as who you are, they project an image onto you that they want to see, and then get mad or passive aggressive or mean when you don't meet those expectations. If you want to get along with a person with avoidant- attachment, try to stay calm and have your own life that you care about. If you put all of the pressure on one person and think they owe you something, it will only continue being bad. Or you can also end it first and find a different person, which is more fair then staying and trying to control/ change someone.
As for the person who wrote the letter, there's definitely no future there and I doubt that the person takes you seriously. Hope you leave, good luck ! 💙
I have a master in clinical psychology and I'm rather a secure person. I dated an avoidant guy for months and I didn't chase him when he was deactivating. I gave him plenty of space and freedom but he would only ask for more lol "give him an inch and he'll take a mile". I've tried plenty of things to make this relationship work but he never really met me half way and ultimately ghosted me after a two year relationship.
@@whatever5026 Oh no that must have sucked 😅Sorry you had to go through that
@@whatever5026 that the reason we date so that you can find out who the other person is. Oblivious he is a damage person and not ready for a committed relationship.
@Paul Gauthier every relationship is a 50-50 deal. People that suffer from avoidant personality disorder suffered from childhood abuse from their parents or from others in their lives who were supposed to protect them and give them a safe environment in which to grow up. Many of them aren't even aware of how they project themselves to others. Rarely will a avoidant initiate a emotional contact with others because of the abandonment issues that they struggle with. They have to struggle with the fear of being abused or abandoned during any relationship. When things become too stressful for them in relationships they pull away emotionally trying to come to terms with the conflicting emotions that are a result of their childhood issues. Victim? Have a pair of balls and own you responsibility for the relationship. Being and staying in a relationship is a choice no one forces you to remain. It doesn't take long to see others people's insecurities and hang ups if you are paying any attention to what's going on. Recovery for someone with avoidant personality Disorder isn't easy and will only happen when that person realizes their problem and are willing to address the long buried issues that cause them to be so emotionally isolate from everybody else.
@@mbankslje0nk Sorry I don't get what you mean by " that the reason we date so that you can find out who the other person is". By the way, avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder are two distinct things so be careful with that
I would love to see some more content about avoidants! I’m just now coming to the realization, maybe it’s more of the partners I’m choosing instead of me just being so flawed. I’ve been stuck in Limerence and pining for an ex for over three years, when in reality she didn’t meet my standards and there was nothing really there. But I’ve masochistically punished myself the whole time for not being good enough, and being too needy..
I've noted this as a topic!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m just curious: when we want a close relationship person and they don’t, who are these people who just want to hang out for a couple days a month? Or hang out once a week?
Does that make sense? When we are “crap fitting” who are these people who want so little? And is it just a mismatch? Do they just want someone who also just wants to see them a couple days a month…?
Why is THIS guy staying in this relationship with her? Why isn’t he seeking someone who wants to just be with him two-three days a month?
I’m just curious about these people. Is it just they want the comfortability of knowing someone is “there” while they are the type of person who prefers a lot of alone time…?
People are so curious! 🤔
I just figured the guy was/is cheating. If he isn't, then maybe just to feel he's in a relationship -- a relationship being something he can refer to when he's feeling lonely to not feel so lonely or to feel "normal"? He may have CPTSD as well and actually think that this not-so-real relationship is as good as it gets.
They seek validation that someone cares
In answer to your question, I am happy in my own skin. I have created my place of rest to suit me.
I work, I garden, I relax quietly in the evening breeze.
I enjoy my quiet time. I do not need someone to complete my happiness.
I Would be happy to enjoy spending time with someone similar to me. That they have their own interests and life and they allow me in it and when we get together it's just quiet enjoyable fun time.
... finding that type of person is extremely difficult. So what one has to realize is that what you want and what I want are different and we have to figure out if we are willing to work to find the middle ground. Most of the time I am not willing to find the middle ground.
They're probably people who have many interests and enjoy their alone time. However, if you see what they give you of themselves as "crumbs" then they're not a good match for you.
It saddens me that as recently as a few months ago, in spite of eeeeeeeverything I have read, and watched, I couldn't even tell that I was dealing with avoidant people. Bascally half of 'me' was ignored, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams,..., my struggles. And I didn't even notice. And if it did come up, it wouldn't last very long, before the subject would be changed, abruptly, or the conversation ended.
Because I too am avoidant, by nature. (Invisible) I do not look for anything, from anyone. Everything is within. So i do not notice when I am not getting what I need.
I tihnk it is important to distinguish between emotional avoidance, and narcissistic avoidance. The latter is what you should run away from. Narcissistic avoidance aims to hurt you, it is avoidance with a purpose, it is used strategically, to elicit a response, to punish, to torture, to satisfy the whims of whatever the narcissist is feeling at the time (boredom, insecurity, rage...)
Emotional avoidance, the tendency to shut down when overwhelmed, is very different. It is not unempathetic, one can be close, but in conflict it is difficult to stay 'in' the conflict, it is also very difficult to express antagonising feelings, feelings that mgiht antagonise the other, like "No", or " I don't want to", or "I don't like that". Being in a fight feels like being under attack, like in a war with the other side spraying bullets. You have to hdie and duck for cover, find a trench, and hopefully come out later, when it feels safe again.
It isn't intended to punish or hurt.
Do not confuse narcissism or arrogance, a lack of empathy, or immaturity, with avoidance. Avoidance, like Anxiousness, is a reaction to stimuli. One shuts down, the other goes into overdrive.
Right, I’m avoidant, too lol I can tell when other people are being avoidant, but I still don’t know when I am sometimes since it’s my default 😅
I understand what you’re saying but whether it’s intentional or not it still hurts. The affects on the neglected partner are the same. This is what I came to realise after watching hundreds of RUclips videos about dismissive avoidants, it’s sad they had a childhood that made them like that but at the end of the day they cause a lot of pain and disappointment and don’t make good healthy relationships. If they care about others and want to stop hurting people then they’ll get out of the dating market and get the help they need for themselves
Imagine if someone said that to you.
That because of your issues, you should "get out of the dating market"
Are you sure you're not causing hurt too? I mean, if you're capable of saying that, then you have the ability to hurt. Because you've just, hurt.
And you've just demonstrated what I mean, by "attacking". you've taken my comment personally, as if I were responsible for what you feel or what happened to you, and chosen to attack, or condemn, rather than empathise.
This is a classic avoidant-anxious. Anxious projects their feeling outwards "you hurt me!", avoidant can't hit back, so they run.. maybe this is why those sorts of relationships are satisfying to those who stay in it, you basically have someone to blame for everything you feel, because they will never come at you, the way you go at them.
Everyone will hurt you at some point, no matter what their attachment style is, because they are human. Holding other responsible for the hurt you feel will only bring you more pain. if you're hurt, get out of the relationship. Don't blame the other for your choice to be with them.
@@mintyhippo8125 Rigiht? :)
It's really bad when you're unaware of it, because you're hit with a double whammy of not getting your needs met and being ignored - people think they're meeting your needs when they're chasing you to meet their needs. Like "can't you see I love you, I call you to talk to you, everyday!" but also putting secure people who can meet your needs, behind a barrier. Secure people are rare. I can see all the missed opportunities now. Dammit. Well at least I'm trying :)
I agree about not confusing narcissism and avoidance
I also think we shouldn’t confuse selfishness with narcissism because we can all be selfish and arrogant
When you were describing it being difficult to say no and ‘feeling under attack ‘ were you describing how it feels as an avoidant, or your reaction to one ?
Sorry if I didn’t follow..
It is easy to get into a relationship. And so hard to get out of one. This has been so true for me.
Why can’t I just leave without wondering about “what if he changes?” Or “What if he just goes back to his ex anyway?”
That's the CPTSD talking, Daily Practice really helps with clarity :) bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Until recently I didn't know about attachment styles. I am an avoidant and my wife is BPD. She was diagnosed about a year ago and it opened my eyes to why she behaved in the manner she does. It also sparked my interest into attachment styles and personality disorders. Because I am well aware that I am at least half the problem in our marriage. It also made me realize that my marriage is alot like my parents marriage. Operating in the same patterns. My mother anxious and needy whilel my father was emotionally aloof and distance. Like my father I work alot and my wife has affairs. Repeatly my wife has left to pursue her new favorite person and I continue to provide financially to support our family. In three years my youngest daughter be 18.
It takes two to tango.
Thank you for sharing, glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Jeeez what a timing! It shocks me how I am so synchronized with your videos, just exactly what I'm going through... Thank you ✨
You are so welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Three years of isolating, dating somebody while running on my Cpstd finally going back to in-person schooling in a few weeks . Practicing my social skills and my ability to love ppl again PERIODDD!! Proud of my self!!
Good stuff!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my, time to feel confronted.
Thank you, Anna.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m guessing he has brain damage. I have a friend I’ve known for 30 years. She is exactly like this. Never sits still, pacing around, exercising outdoors all day. Only got worse as the years went by. She was hit in the head with a hammer by a loved one when she was a child. She is extremely self-centered too.
A person can hit their head from a fall or even a minor accident and get serious brain damage. So, IMO, it would be ok 2b friends with him… but I’d find another person for a love relationship if I were her.
This is very interesting!
One possibility among many more likely issues, including one or more personality disorders, already married or seeing multiple others. They are long distance so he can safely have other lives she doesn't know about. (That even happens without the geographical distance.)
I think that Maisy needs to move on. She has abandonment issues needing love and attention and he is avoidant. This is just toxic and copendant and not worth it
Anna, you have certainly found your gift in life. You are so appreciated for your insights. Thank you for this video!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am in this exact situation. Except we have lived together since 2009.
I hate myself more each day and have no way nowhere to go.
Plz never EVER settle
If you force urself to adapt to where u don't fit, u may become stuck 🕊
I love the compassionate, straight-talking way you answer these letters, Anna. Thank you. I found the needs vs hopes distinction very insightful. It goes well with the idea I've heard that you need to fill your need buckets half way and the other half is met through various relationships.
So glad it resonated!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is a long distance friend, maybe. But there is no romantic situation. She said nothing about what she wants. Glad you called it instead of fixing it.
You are such an amazing intelligent woman. Thank you for this wonderful content. 💖
In both of my marriages my wives were the one's that did the pursuing after we met. As someone that has avoidant personality Disorder it's not in my nature to take the risk putting myself in a position of being rejected. I never pretended to be anything other than I was. They both knew I was quiet and introverted and wasn't comfortable being at social functions. Things were great at that stage of our relationship. A social butterfly I am not nor did I pretend to be one. I am not one to deal with alot of conflict or drama. Or am I going constantly fight over things that can't be changed. Your sure not you going to change me into being what you want me to be. From my childhood I have alot of abuse issues that have affected who I am. I didn't ask to have or to have to deal with these issues. There just a fact of my life. Both of my wives thought that they would be able to change me. I am not a mean or vindictive person I am just who I am. Who's to blame you if chose the fantasy of who you wanted me to be rather who I really am. I am and having been trying to deal with my childhood abuse issues and there effects upon my life. I am ok with who I am today.
I wish there was more perspective from your side. My avoidant (ex) best friend (because are you ever in a relationship with an avoidant? we spent hours every night online together for 2 years as "friends" until I had enough, anyway...) and I both knew we had issues, I thought we could face them together and I would have been happy to remain just friends had he worked on his issues. When I see a problem with myself I want to fix it. He, like you seem to be, didn't care to. So okay. He was still very self-aware. He told me "I can't love you, I don't even love myself. You will be disappointed." And even though this hurt, and I miss him every day, I am thankful he was honest. I just don't understand, why not try to work on yourself if you know you have issues? How can you spend so much time with someone and just let them go if that will make you unhappy? There is just a lot I don't understand. I understand from the perspective of others who are working to heal and from other anxious types, but there is a reason not many avoidants are in the comments of these types of videos. It seems to be only anxious people want to do the work. Please don't take this as bashing Avoidants, I still love my former best friend, we are just not in each other's lives, and that's okay.
@@Sofiarey285 in regards to having a personality disorder can you really ever fix your issues or is it trying to be aware enough to to live with the issues that your PD creates in your life. More like trying to modify your perceptions and your reactivity to those perceptions. In my case with my borderline wife she is the one that is unwilling to address her issues not I. We are still married because when she does one of her splits both mentality and physically. I just keep things at home going until she crashes, burns and returns home. With her you're either on the pedestal or kick to the curb. In regards to relationships/marriages it is the avoidant that is more likely to keep the relationship/marriage together.
You should try deal with your issues before you get into a relationship.
@@lealea6020you deal with life's issues as you become aware of them. I have been clean and sober since 1-15-1989. I have also been addressing the issues from being a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I met my wife at my AA home group when she started attending the meeting. Until a year ago when my wife got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder I wasn't aware that personality disorders even existed. One of the things that I have learned in my recovery is that I don't dwell on should have and could have because you just have today.
@@mbankslje0nkWhy are you getting in relationships if you know you can’t do it or need to work on yourself? It’s not fair to you or your partner
The reason he doesn't want a connection is easy to figure out. Anna is right it is a crap relationship. But not for the reason you think. He avoids any unnecessary contact because he knows some time and some where that you wiII figure out he's not reaIIy a good person in generaI and you wiII reject him. So he keeps you at arms Ienght so you can't figure him out, if he stays the mystery man he gets what he needs with no investment. He wants sex on his time, he wiII avoid any real connection to you so that you can't actually realize he's damaged goods.
This is the reason men aIways push the sex agenda first, because if you really got to know them weII you would quickly find out they have a rotten personality, poor interpersonal skiIIs and would never sleep with them if you knew who they really were as a person.
You're doing a lot of projecting.
That testimony was very helpful. I'm living that exact situation, and I decided to cut the relationship, and after hearing that I know I was right to do that. Thank you, thank for both of you
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Also, do you have any videos on what happens when you (finally) make it into a relationship with someone who loves you, and suddenly find that you're actually uncomfortable and scared and want to run? I used to date avoidant people, too, and am now in a long-term relationship with someone who is so good and committed to me and securely attached, and I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up. To be honest I almost want to throw it away or make it implode because I'm so scared it will happen on its own.
Funny you should ask! A video on The Urge to Flee is coming out tomorrow, Monday, at 10 am pacific time!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy YAY! Thank you so much! The medicine I need 🤗
Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO
Thank YOU too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was in a relationship like that. Run. It’s horrible. I loved the man deeply, but it’s horrible.
Hopes and desires ..not needs.. wooooow ..thank you Fairy.. itis beautyful concept.
I’ve watched/listened to about a dozen of your videos, but this one is really clicking with me. Maybe the timing is right. Before, I just watched but didn’t want to apply any of it. Now I do. Thanks
Today, I realized it’s OK to not have expectations of other people. That “needs” part of what you said- exactly. I don’t “need” x y and z. It would be nice. But if someone has shown time and again they can’t or won’t, then I need to stop expecting them to change. Sure, I have resentment and anger. But if I keep hoping for something that will never ever happen, I will continue to feel hurt. I just have to remember to stop thinking / hoping they’ll change. They won’t.
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He sounds like my husband, an Aspie
I’m a fearful avoidant and I want love more than anything else in the world. I just have trouble communicating what I really want and I always get excited to meet new people but they all disappoint. I think This was the last straw and I’ve come to a poly now where I honestly will say im giving up on love
I am also fearful avoidant. I have been doing therapy for years, watching videos like these, and not letting highly triggering people in my life anymore (until I had the means to deal with those feelings).
I have said many times that I want to give up on love/friends/relationships/family because it was so difficult for me.
The first step is saying what you do want. Do you want friends? A relationship? Etc? You can have it.
I had to start approaching situations for what they are instead of just how they hurt or disappointed me.
I would give the person a chance to change, too. I would bring up issues like “it hurt me when you insulted that thing I like” and when they would say “I didn’t insult it. It is stupid.” Then I would know it was time to back off from that relationship. And as I kept doing that, I would get better at figuring out nicer ways to have those conversations, too. But, bring up the issue with the hope of resolving it is key.
For a long time, I would bring up issues with just the point of fighting and that was just a self fulfilling prophecy.
You have to want to work it out or it will never be worked out. Like, for real. Not just to make it go away or to make them see that they hurt you, but to get true understanding and connection with the person. To see their side through their eyes.
@@paulgauthier7033 agree, sometimes dismissive avoidants hold everyone to an impossible standard, so they subconsciously don't have to deal with a real relationship; they just discard. Its a self fulfilling prophecy, maybe it gives the illusion of being in control. Thats my 2 cents, anyway.
Ty for sharing. Very helpful.
Great content. I was very much avoided in childhood and learned to be invisible. I stumbled into several toxic relationships and now find cluster B types lazy in their distribution of time/support etc. “love”. Her 5% gets 110% from me every time, when and where she demands it. Then the devaluation 3% then the discard 1% then I’m left at nothing. Til the next Hoover 5%. Broken today. Coda meeting tonight tho. 🙃
I just keep hearing Janet Jacksons "what have you done for me lately?"
Stoner here and there is so much truth to what you're saying. I use the weed to numb the anger and pain from my cptsd. I'm not explosive usually but I'm definitely able to be at times. Weed chills me out. Eventually, so does working through my hurts. ❤️
. Agreed. If at all possible, run. But if you can't? At least right now? Work on yourself. These things leave damage and exploit the flaws you had before you knew them. We have to work on our house and do some things before I can leave. In the meantime, I've learned how to deal with these people. Don't think of it as progress for them. It's not. But it can be for you and for your life. You can find happiness while you're healing.
Thank you for the encouraging message :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This woman’s situation is so similar to mine, but it’s even better than mine. My man isn’t even in a relationship with me. We’re exes, but we’re “friends”. For a multitude of reasons moving on has felt so incredibly impossible, even though I know it’s not right or fair to me.
You can! I'm glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
same!
Ohhhhhhh! I used to be the "avoidant partner" (avoidant person, in general, but now I'm more opened).
That's great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Can a person with CPTSD have avoidant attachment? I'm asking because I recognize some issues of CPTSD in me (not very serious) but my attachment style is avoidant in order to protect myself.
Nowadays I don't scape but I feel that I need my space, I like my solitude moments. I'm not an indifferent person. Thanks
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy can you please tackle the avoidance with cptsd ?
I want someone to accepts me and loves me deeply for who I am and wants to be with me to share beautiful moments in life.
Hello! Can you talk more about the consequences of a bad relationship and how it can hold someone back?? I need a reality check. 🙏❤️
I think you should binge watch her vids and read the stories of those commenting. You'll be empowered and realize what you need to do and what's best for you. She also has courses that could help.
@@jellybean6778 thank you! Appreciate the response.
Lots of these videos, poke around :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's a really interesting perspective to see avoidant relationships through addiction, and addictions through avoidance, and both as a way to *_avoid_* processing feelings. (Reminds me of how I viewed addictions before I was traumatized interpersonally/romantically. It reminds me of the wisdom I seem to have lost after being traumatized!)
Thank you for sharing this interesting thought, Anna. :)
Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
~This was a really good one with several profoundly relevant points i hadnt seen in myself before!!!~♡~Thank you!!!~♡~
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He doesn't want to video chat, text or call because doesn't want any evidence that someone else could see or hear. He's got someone else there.
Not necessarily. My husband is on the spectrum and does these things. Some other avoidants are narcs, some really traumatized and some just have severe social anxiety, feel triggered, uncomfortable and/or awkward for a host of different reasons. 🌷💛
@@anotherplanet5828 yes, that's certainly possible. But having someone on the side is a very real possibility, and certainly was in my situation.
Thank you for this video... So clarifying
I'm so glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I used to break up, when I felt that "okay I burn out"
But now I am trying to be me, try to be relax. After I watched some videos of u, I understood that why I was like that
Oh good, I'm glad the content is helping you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I got a potential crap fit with an avoidant partner. But she is a really good person. I’m 50, a HSP, with CPTSD having developed BPD after multiple traumas on top of early life complex trauma, and realise I am dependent, feeling I need her permission to do things, but also flee uncomfortable social situations. I’ve seen myself as a bit lacking in social skills but spontaneous and creative, with a deep desire for physical, emotional and intellectual connection, and a sense that with the right partner I could even now at 50 years of age make a turn around of my life. I’m sad, angry, confused and feel ashamed.
I don't think she'll ever be happy in this relationship... I think she needs to work on her relationship with herself first through CODA,12 Step Programs,Therapy and Medication...
wait wait...so this dude is in a long distance relationship...but wont use the phone or text her???!!! WHAT?
oml horrible. avoidant men should not date unless they are in therapy actively changing and working on their issues.
Gettin g to the beliefs is very important to get to.
100%
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anyone else see the boyfriend as someone who had 2 girlfriends? He didn't want texts, phone calls, or facetimes. Why? Cause his "home sugar" would see the communication on his phone!! I thought this was obvious.
I have watched 3 times you are follow content very consider source ver perfesssional think highly thanks you have my vote
Thanks so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
An odd way of looking at things... was my first thought reading these comments.
I know I prefer alot of alone time. The energy of people sorta amp up and agitate me. The more 'want or need' from someone I care about creates anxiety in me.
Ultimately, I find people needy. They want so much to cuddle, share, talk, walk alongside, go on every little shopping trip, etc .... it is truly overwhelming.
I'm not ok with constant in my face, in my bubble, needing someone to help me/you be complete. I am far more autonomous.
Humans are a social pack. But, also, there are millions of us whom do not crave constant social connectivity.
There's nothing wrong in either of these.
There are a million more who are in between of these feeling/ thought processes.
" I love the stories of these elderly people and the woman is sitting in her chair knitting and watching tv. And the old guy is nearby and they're basically dressed the same. And have lived together for 60 years. And he's doing crossword puzzles or making something. They are content to be near each other, quietly, no conversation needed. They are just simply that... content. "
My truest deepest feeling is that people have lost the ability to self soothe, be content in their own skin, and require others to complete them.
What happened to you taking care of yourself and two people equally come together and meet in the middle?!
I enjoy the big city Saturday Market, with thousands of people. But, only once a year.
If you're not sure of the person you are with is on the same social craving level as you.... then make a plan.
1) go to busy sandwich bars or other public noisy places
2) pay attention in how they spend their personal alone free time. If all boys bar sports stuff, or in their own projects alone, or whatever
Most men want sex, and quit it.
Doing bare minimum to get that.
Just pay attention.
I mean, I’ve spent my whole life alone and it’s just nice to not be alone sometimes lol I can only talk to myself so much
Thanks 🙏
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The title of this video sums up my life 😞 And I'm entrapped with my elder parental assailant while trying to flee my spousal one 😞 sigh FML
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Fantastic
Is he involved with someone else? That’s the first thing that came to mind. 🤔
This is a very unhealthy equation. I haven't seen the full video but I am hoping Anna will advise you to leave. I have been in such situations. You will keep pouring years into it but nothing will come out of it. First two years are the best time of the relationship. If this is the best, what would worse look like? Your anger is fully justified.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm gonna watch this later, reading the title was triggering enough ☺️😁
You've picked a... turnip! 😂❤
My "Goodbye Girl". "Goodbye doesn't mean forever".
Feral to faithful! Avoidant to adventurous!
Why can't I get it out of my head that going "all in" here at CCF would offend my God?
That guilt is big. I think a lot of people are taught to behave a certain way and not question anything or it would be a sin.
But, if you work on your relationships and you are honest, it only creates more love, connection, and happiness. And I think God would prefer that.
@@mintyhippo8125 coming from a conservative Christian family, even the smallest disciplines connected to the mystical East was and is taboo
Sounds like he has a local girlfriend or hookup friend. 4 hours isn’t that far. She doesn’t say they meet halfway or he comes to her I hate this guy!!
This is a great video. However, let's be careful about pressuring people to text. It's actually healthy to avoid texting. Texting has ruined our society and is NOT a basis for any relationship. No one cannot detect emotions or body language in texts. Emoticons are not a substitute for emotions, it's just junior high all over again. Phone calls are better if you can't be together. I agree with everything else said - don't avoid talking about the hard stuff. We all deserve that. Cheers..........
When it comes to smoking a lot of weed, the anger thing is usually a coming down thing... 24 hours after not having it every big smoker is cracking it... For some of them it's only 4 hours... lol
I don't even know where to start.
No.
Where do I find this FREE Community? Please! Thank you ❤️
You can take the free course, Daily Practice and once you do, you will be invited to twice monthly zoom calls led by Anna.
bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy