Stop Playing Small: How to Recognize Partners Who Can Love You
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- Опубликовано: 1 фев 2022
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People who were traumatized as children often grow up to either avoid relationships, or to choose unavailable people who not only leave them unfulfilled, but blocks them from meeting appropriate, available people who might add happiness to their lives. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has never experienced more than fleeting relationships, and knows that to find love, she'll have to choose differently. But how?
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Smallest room in the house, leaves no trace of themselves around, walks on eggshells, doesn’t express their needs, takes care of the needs of others……you described my childhood and most of my present life to a T!!!😳😢
Lol yup. I'm a "bathroom cat" bathroom is the smallest room in the house with All the necessary functions to live besides food making, and it's the only room with a lock on the door. I can relate hard. It's the most secure room that's furthest from everyone in my house until someone needs the bathroom of course.. but we have more than one in my home.
I did all of that and I would still get crap from people. It would break my heart. Finally stopped just a couple of years ago.
@@Iquey Me too! The bathroom has been my safe place to waddle in emotions and to scan my feelings away from everyone. I didn’t realize this was a thing with other people as well.
My dad would call me the "ghost girl" He didn't understand why I was so very careful because he worked 3 jobs to support his family while his wife was out of control
I also. That was how every family used to treat kids
I think is important to learn how to live a life WITHOUT a romantic relationship. Not everyone will find that in life and that’s ok. You may heal and become the best you can be but that does not guarantee someone will notice or care. It’s hard, but that’s life. This type of resilience is so important.
Yes, I always believed there was something wrong with being single, then you see people who can't be single which I think is much worse!
THIS COMMENT!! 👏👏👏
Thank you. 🙌🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
The stronger I become, the more I cut off toxic people, the less I need to be in a relationship. I do miss friends it's like I reboot my life at 42. New job, new year, new opportunities! Whoop whoop
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 I went back to school at 43 and have met (finally) quality people to have friendships with. I never had good luck with friendships before.
“If marriage is what you want, they have to want that to.” That simple sentence just made dating a whole lot easier for me in my mind! It unlocked something. I have always found myself pining after unavailable people, staying forever and HOPING they’ll be able to give me the commitment I seek, rather than taking my exit when they fail to love me or that commitment can’t be met. I always thought I had to wait for some unavailable person to “come around” when in reality there are people who are already there, looking for someone like me. I love your channel and your advice. I don’t know if I have CPTSD, but I have been told I’ve got symptoms of PTSD. Either way, your words are resonant and POWERFUL! 🎉 Congratulations on this beautiful community you’ve created and I hope you know you’re truly changing lives! Much love to you, Anna!
WELL SAID Jordan Baby Woods!!!
THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I AM DEALING WITH AS WE SPEAK, YOUR COMMENT MADE ME CRY.
Beautifully expressed 👏
Love yourself by loving someone who is into loving themselves and thereby loving you. ❤️ Let your love flow 🎶
Yaaaasss! I love this!
I came from an anxious attachment, still love the avoidant souls of the world. But the shift happened when I became intentionally single, meditated, restarted my yoga practice...and most importantly, asked for what I need, set boundaries, stopped people pleasing, and took things slllllloooooow with new partners.
Trust me, once you become a greater version of yourself, you'll be shocked at how you're not attracted to the same kind of person.
Yes me too started really working on myself....cut off one sided friendships...much more aware of my worth...studied what genuine interest looks like in friendships and romantic relationships. It helps that I have a best friend who is like a sister who really is supportive. I look for reciprocity and I meet ppl were they are. I go slower when it comes to men...I move very slowly pray about what there intentions are with me. I also know what I want and have a clear idea of that. I don't chase men. I don't chase women for friendships friendships. I don't mistake attraction as genuine interest.
This is so true, once I learned to care for and about myself I looked back at the men I had been in relationships with a mixture of shock & sadness. How could I have accepted such low capacity relationships?
@@CoachAryi so true
Thank you for this encouragement. Fellow anxious preoccupied healing here. Meditating, practising yoga, cultivating effective communication, vulnerability and authenticity in my life. Sending you infinite compassion and support.
Pretty much same happened to me :) found a great partner unexpectedly. Pretty fresh still, hoping they a keeper. Very different from before :)
"I'm looking for someone who is emotionally stable and capable of love and partnership"
No matter how small you make yourself, you're STILL in The Way.
Wow well said!
What a life changing quote 💛
That was me. I just wanted to disappear my entire childhood
Part of talking back to those voices is also walking away from them. We have to lose the negative connections even if they r family to start living up to the truest narrative of our devine being. 💟
What a crappy way to live if you feel like you in the way.
Reminds me of my childhood. I’d stay in my bedroom to avoid my father. Tried not to ask for anything. When I’d hear him drive up in the driveway, my hands would shake and my eye would twitch. By the time I was in mid high school I was a nervous wreck
This sounds so familiar. We all pretended to be asleep when my dad came home from work or shut our doors. It was a feeling of absolute dread. You are not alone ❤
Same here
Violet, exactly the same. My dad was an alcoholic. If he didn’t come home right after work we all knew he was out somewhere drinking. I remember sitting in the front room and I would hear his car pull up, then the key in the lock. I would literally turn into jelly shaking. I’d retreat to my room where I’d turn on music and shut out the world.
It becomes common that I start crying while listening to your explanations, and I mourn the innocent, perfect little girl I was. I know that my parents were not be able to give me what they had never had, so I see their innocence either.
This.
Love you printing the kind pardon for your folks
Wow beautifully said.
I mourn the little girl was once also-the one who deserved more and better.Wish we could go back and hug those sweet innocent babies. HUGS TO YOU NOW!!!!! God bless us every one! We all deserved better!And thank goodness for this no non-sense channel! XOXO
Re-parenting that little girl is what I have been doing for self_ healing🌷💖🌷
Her story hit really close to home. I'm an avoidant people pleaser too, almost 40 years old, who has never had a serious long term relationship and longs for love. A couple of years ago I decided to stop dating for a while and concentrate on my healing - best decision ever. I'm dating again and in a very different way now. This is actually how I know I'm healing, I'm able to take things slowly and discern what kind of person they are and not immediately start fantasizing. It's never too late to start healing! 🙏❤️
Fellow plant and cat lover, happy to hear your healing. 36 years old here, I once was a people pleaser and still have to consciously keep my boundaries so that people pleasing doesn't happen. It's a process but through it all remember you are loved by YOU(and your creator no matter your belief). YOU are worthy of love when your loving yourself. Love and light🙏🏾
Thank you for sharing your experience! ♥️
Same. At 57 and a half, lol I have NEVER been married, though I've been engaged 10 times ... Each time I got close to the altar,...I ran. Each guy was either an alcoholic, drug addict, married, involved, abusive ... or a combination of these characteristics ... Finding this Channel has been SO eye-opening.
My therapist agrees I have CPTSD, as well as Battered-woman's syndrome, an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style ....
And
At 57, my Life's goal now ..is to have a Healthy. Loving relationship before I die.
I have been reconnected with a lover from 24 years ago ..he's kind, sweet, funny, validating, generous, amorous ...a Very hard worker --- he owns his own business ---
But
He's Also STILL married ...and I Know he IS getting divorced; I've read her nasty, vile comments on his FB page and on hers .. ..
He even told me he still loves her, but she hates him.
So, after 10 years of no sex, no emotional intimacy or connection -- he's finally ready to admit he needs to realize the marriage is Over..
But, the fact that they still cohabitate in the same house --- she upstairs, he on the couch ....( yes, he's sent pics of him on the couch with his dog).. and she doesn't even Speak to him
He's very open & honest... and I've told him MINIMALLY about my 7.5 years with an abusive narcissist..yhe Last abusive relationship I will ever have ...
So, here's my question:
Do I hang in there, wait for him to file for divorce and be free????
The emotional bond is Strong --- he calls me 3-4 times a day, texts me, talks about things we'll do & see together, in the future ... he gave me a small box of chocolate for Valentine's day; the first gift I'd received on V-day, in 15 years ---
He's supportive, loving...and looking in his eyes makes me MELT ...it's almost like, ( to ME) the universe is giving Us a 2nd chance;
We've both been through Hell; he's also sick, may not have a long life..
PS. And, opposite of how I USUALLY begin a relationship, I am not having Sex with him-- and he's fine with it -- until I feel secure with how he feels about us. Til I'm sure he cares for me ..The holding back on Sex -- is HUGE for me. Because 24 years ago..??
That's all he & I were --- intense, passionate, over-the-top Crazy sex--
So,
Now, I'm valuing Me,..and he's respectful of that!!
So,
Go for it
or..
Back off.
????
@@suzanne4396 sending you love. You’ll need to decide what is best for you, but just know that you deserve someone who is fully available and ready for a real relationship. Hugs.
@@suzanne4396 i wouldn't take this guy seriously as long as he still lives with his wife. What you describe could be a great thing, but it could also be love bombing. Moving out seems to me to be the only logical first step. So it's his move. And if he doesn't do it, well that really says it all
Growing up in an abusive and neglectful household, my only goal in life was, "I will not allow a man to abuse me!" What I didn't know was that goal was the least of problems I would have to navigate around. I was so emotionally retarded and inept that when I thought I was ahead of the game, I was a ready victim for the bullshit to hit me that had nothing to do with a "man putting his hands on me!" It's been a lifetime of relearning how to survive in this world.
I made a really good list, and I had to get out of some toxic bullshit first, but I ended up finding a person who met every single criteria - and were able to decide that, yes, we were interested in pursuing a serious relationship *right* before Covid hit. We are married, now. And it never would have happened if I had continued to fill my docket with a "you'll do" level of boyfriend. I had to make myself actually ready *and* available.
I’m so happy for you.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Gives me hope!
Congratulations.
That’s fantastic, so happy for you both!
wow where did you meet?
We can become 'unavailable' to our selves and seek validation from others 'good' or 'bad' ❤
The relationship with the therapist is not a good situation. It's such a big power imbalance and Kera doesn't see it. Even if she ends the therapy with her therapist and dates him. It's still a power imbalance. I don't think I could go to a therapist who would date a client even a former client. To the Crappy Childhood Fairy: Thank you very much for being professional and addressing it openly and still being compassionate towards the letter writer~
Not to treat relationship as an experience -> Dang! It just hit me. I wasn’t sure about dating my ex, I just have a feeling that the relationship would go nowhere. But then I thought: well, why not try it & see where things go. It’s good to try something new. Oh boy, how I wish I listened to my gut feeling. The break-up broke me up to pieces.
Same... but in all honesty that low is taking me so HIGH. I always thought I was doing the work, but this is a different type of work, because it's for ME. It took that, for me to get this.
I literally, quite literally, have the smallest room in the house. This video was clearly meant to be heard by me and others alike. I was just thinking today how I wanted to shrink and shrink myself to I became so small, I could disappear.
Same here, and my cupboards/were the dumping ground!
I do too. I'm the youngest child, and my room is a cracker jack box. I'm going through a divorce and I had to move back home, back to a toxic family situation I had been desperate to leave ten years ago. I'm back in my tiny bedroom. My mother's junk is everywhere. I have a few drawers, barely have any closet space, and the decor is hers.
I was the scapegoat and invisible child growing up. I took a lot of abuse and experienced a lot of neglect. It's like I wasn't there compared to my brother's constant drama or my parents' never-ending marital woes.
Only now at 40 years old am I trying to get some closure on their behavior, tell them how much their self absorbed behaviors have hurt me. If I am critical of them or stand up for myself, they shut down and tell me to "get over it" or "that's just my opinion."
Nothing changed in the decade I was gone except for me, and I cannot and will not be stuffed back in that tiny box.
Hmmm. I just moved in my new place. Over 2400 square feet. I’m single and child free. Just me and my 35 pound dog. I type this reply from the teeny tiny guest bedroom. I have my pick of three vacant bedrooms yet I still chose the smallest room in the house for my air mattress until my furniture arrives. Wow.
@@spacegirl226 So sorry you had to move back int o that situation.
Dating unavailable/player like men has been like this addiction for me because it’s like if they notice me, choose me, then that means I must really be special. Because I’ve been looked over and emotionally abused and OutKast all my life, especially in childhood. If someone actually really likes Me, it’s not as much as a validation. But I’m glad I’m getting past this way of thinking. I’ve always tiptoed around trying to be as compromising, small and even the least attractively dressed as I could so that I didn’t make a ripple or make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I relate to the woman who wrote this letter. I used to go in to relationships with the view that they were a break from being single. No expectation that they would love me and value me and want me long term. I would get so tired of being so relentlessly single that even a doomed relationship made me relieved to revert to ''default'' (single) when it ended as it always did.
"Playing small" was my biggest takeaway from this. Over and over, I kept hearing that phrase like a bell being rung. Do you have a video about just that one concept?
My biggest takeaway from this is every day one spends with someone who isn't available to engage in a healthy relationship... Is everyday that one isn't spending with someone who is available to engage in a healthy relationship. That hit home so much. I'm guilty of trying to find "the one" and being too invested when the other person couldn't care less and so I end up generally just being ignored. Now I'll be more careful with investment. I'll have to reverse brainwash myself that I'm worth it and not just bestow nurturing and love that I felt I never experienced on people who are undeserving (just because I don't want other people to feel what I feel which is unloved).
@@theempress1104 how do you know if you're worth it?
That was my biggest takeaway as well. I hope Anna will do a video on this
She came up with some good terms - situationship and love anorectic. It does feel like we starve for love at times. I can relate to her avoidant-people pleasing personality. I do self-defense training and for a couple months I was sort of enamored with one instructor. BUT, for the first time in my life I recognized it was not a "crush", I was not looking for a relationship or sexual encounter. I simply appreciated the fact that this was the first time, at least as far as I can remember, where I got positive, affirming attention from a man. I wasn't getting "butterflies", though I was mildly obsessed with wondering what it would be like to date him. The obsession came about more as a way to ask myself what I'd want in a relationship if something came along. It gave me a chance to note his seeming emotional health and to compare it to exes, parents, etc. To recognize what a healthy man looks like. And just as quickly as the obsession came, it also went. Maybe I got my answer.
Wow this is so powerful! I recently found myself “pondering” someone knowing fully well that I’m completely unavailable. Through self reflection, I was able to realize that it’s the healthy behaviors the other person shows that triggered my desire for a healthy relationship while knowing any level of pursuit would sabotage it with unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. Reading your description of what you were enamored with definitely helped me come to terms with this sudden attraction; I have been kicking myself for days! Thank you 🙏
@@ncherieamour Awesome! That's great news. Discussing, throwing out ideas, is so important. I was so happy that I recognized it for what it was early on. I'm also (I hope) learning to slow down. Simply by thinking about the situation I had to slow down and not make rash decisions. Let's say he were to ask me out (not looking for that, just theorizing). I think I'm cognizant enough at this point to recognize red flags, etc. It's good to prepare, even for romantic stuff. If that makes sense.
Thank you for posting this. I have struggled to even know what are realistic expectations and what aren’t realistic. I do believe a lot of us who have grown up in abusive environments with abusive and neglectful caretakers we are so good at trying to make others happy, trying to fix them and heal them, while we neglect ourselves. I also feel the tendency to be lenient on abusers and make excuses for them is so difficult to overcome. We find excuses and justifications as to why they are the way they are. And certainly they may have a million reasons as to why they are abusive towards us but that doesn’t justify their behavior and it doesn’t excuse their behavior either. I learned to listen when someone talks to me. Most people tell us who they are with their words first and then they follow with behavior.
Stop listening to this crap . It only make you feel bad about past decision you had little control over . Picture every man as the devil who only wants 1 thing then ,, let the warm glow of love be present when present . The man that will love you forever will love you sick in bed with snot in your hair . I look at it that way as a Man, some women only want to be cared for 100% of the time and some only want to be held tight and cared for when necessary, that is a quality no hair cut can fix .For ever dick head that just wants to get laid there is a woman who just wants to trap a man they think will make them happy forever . I bet the cute guy you really like but seem sub standard too your friends is the perfect guy for you. Women other guys think is so hot are disgusting to me , they lack any self respect or morals , same with men who women find hot . Most are a shallow hull of nothing but sound bites of look at me. He is out there and perfect for you once you let him in . Money can buy happiness but only if spent with the one you love whole heartedly , a missilry life can come on a silver platter of money as well while you hate your life in luxury.
You are always so kind and nurturing when answering these letters. It brings tears to my eyes.
Appreciate your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
how to have friends again after you’ve been abandoned/betrayed in the past & had to be in solitude for a while but feel healed & want to “get back out there” (find new friends- preferably female friends, best friends ideally ) but are scared from the past betrayals? To make matters worse I think I’ve become “weird” as you’ve warned but I don’t know if that’s the effects of trauma 😭
Friendships are hard.. I was abandoned/ betrayed many times before. And had to walk away from some abusive people as well… I have no answer, but i realized other people are far from perfect, even if they don’t have major mental issues… So I try to keep my grounding in myself as priority, so if smth goes wrong with a “ possible friend” is not that hurtful as before.
Same boat. Not even sure where to start anymore
Same
I think we must heal ourselves until we are accepting of the notion that solitude is actually sacred. If you remain in that mindset the right ppl will come along. When I'm feeling "ready" about something I script positive affirmations in past tense. And live as if I have that which I desire. The feeling is the secret by Neville Goddard is a good book to read or listen to. Just don't have expectations. If something doesn't feel right, heed to your intuition. Blessings.
I had to completely erase 99% of my former acquaintances because they were just terrible for me. I spent YEARS alone. I went back to school and finally I am meeting awesome people, slowly building friendships again.
"Back off this idea of relationships as experience." Damn. .... That says it! .... I knew that I should watch this!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This has explained it all . Now I see why I’ve had this and it doesn’t surprise me that childhood trauma causes all of this mess
Glad you're here, there is so much to learn about CPTSD.
-Cara@TeamFairy
It takes some time to see People as they really are. They aren't usually crude or vulgar on a first date. See them when they are angry ....that tells a lot.
Why am I crying? I don't know?
I'm just feeling a little low
My life is not going, the way that I thought
Although I'm grateful for what my life's brought
And all I've been taught
But I feel a tad empty, my purpose of known
A I still blocked?
Have i, really grown?
What is my purpose, on this lush green earth?
Is it to feel, and just to observe?
Please help me find, the path of my truth
That brings me joy, true love and spiritual youth
My spirit, body and mind all in tune
Like the flowers in spring which all start to bloom
My life it is precious and wondersome to
My life needs some loving, to start feeling a new.
This is such a close letter to me. The awareness of the complexity of our wants and needs, the sadness of what we're up against and how we just keep falling through the cracks.
This comment is the 🎯 of 🎯s.
Great advice. It’s surprising how much pain is caused by being so casual about relationships. It’s good advice for anyone to realize that a relationship gone wrong is painful so not to just look at relationships so casually. Be more serious minded about how to date and how to pick a good mate.
Oh you said it !
Recalling how I started dating my ex ,infact when I first met him I had noted would later say he was unavailable at first sight up - in
very important message! especially for sensitive folk!
This honestly the first time I really relate to one of the people writing in letters and I really feel seen. I too am a woman of colour from an immigrant family who grew up in white spaces and suffered from mainly emotional and physical abuse growing up and I grew up to be avoidantly attached, overly self reliant and people pleasing and had all the other challenges she mentioned having as an adult. I discovered a silent meditation technique that changed my life, among other healing modalities. I’m happy to report that I’ve been happily married in a great relationship for seven years (together a decade), and actually like my life for the most part. It took many years of active healing (still working on it even now) and lots of unhealthy relationships as well as years of celibacy and relationship avoidance before I could get to that point. In fact, I’m now working at no longer being small in a work and career context - that’s also a lot of work and self-reflection. But if she follows your advice and keeps doing what she’s doing , I know she’ll get there sooner than later. It definitely takes time, work and lots of self-compassion.
Thank you for sharing your experience and opinion.
May I ask how old you are? Since it took you different stages in many years to get where you are.
@@supermcfly3103 I'm currently 44, but I would say it took until my early to mid-30s I'd say, before I really started to feel like I could have hope in my life and feel like I wasn't completely worthless. By the time I'd met my husband, I'd had about four failed relationships (always choosing men who weren't right for me) and I sincerely believed after my last serious relationship before my husband that I was going to die alone. However, at that time I was actually happy with that, it was really freeing.
I was in my late teens to 20s when I started to get into meditation, yoga and various healing modalities, but I'd say it really took a good decade to a decade and a half to finally get out of toxic thinking and being good to myself, loving myself, etc. Obviously this type of work is still happening in my life so it's a work in progress 😊 but I'm glad to say I had finally discovered in my 30s that I didn't need to be "perfect" before "deserving" the kind of life I'd always wanted. As an FYI btw, I'm very low to no contact with my family. I think there's no way I could have gotten to where I am, had I continued to stay in regular contact with them.
I really needed this video.. I grew up with a disciplinarian father who would send us to bed once he got home from work.. And during holidays my parents would send us off to the country side to stay with my grandparents.. my grandmother was a disciplinarian too.. so between my dad and my grandmother I learnt to be satisfied wIth what I got… Even though this discipline helped me not to be overly materialistic… it haS led me to be avoidant, settle for less and stay in small spaces , in comfort! So I think I’m suffering from Love/Intimacy/anorexia
I"m glad this video was helpful, thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This story is my life to a T.. Soon to be 35 and only had one longtime relationship (1.5 years) which was decent really, but with an immature partner. Several sexual relationships (fwb). Been single for 4 years, just like Keira. All of my life, I have mostly not searched romantic relationships at all and thought I was aromantic and I have no idea how to choose someone right for me. And if I do want a relationship, I think 'Wtf, I'm not desperate !!' At least my therapist has detected my avoidant personality and we started working on this.
I've encountered men who wanted me to play dumb, play it small. No thank you. I'm asserting myself and anyone who doesn't "respond" are clearly not for me. It's frustrating because I long for connection and closeness.
I was (to some extent still am) attracted to emotionally unavailable men because they remind me of my dad. I only began to see it after a few relationships that almost destroyed my soul.
But you see it now, that's a big step!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy❤
People need to learn to be by themselves. I enjoy being single. No drama. So many people misconstrue being single with being defeated.
Until recently, I thought I can't be attracted to available "normal" men. But I found out, that normal healthy connections take me longer time. Normally, people develop feelings in like 6 months or so. A good time to get to know them a bit better. I just thought if I don't instantly feel attracted and have this limerence you talk about in other videos, it's not real. Not true! I was so happy when I realized I can feel love for healthy, steady connections. I just need to take my time to get to know someone and RESIST this instant triggered CPTSD-fairytale bubble-connection lol.
I feel you Kara. Being a woman of color in white spaces has affected my relationships. I spent most of the time feeling like I didn’t fit in and secretly hating my body.
Glad you're here!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Meghan South look up Neemah Speaks
@Liz Muschinski how is it surprising to hear POC say they don’t feel beautiful … when we have grown up either in “western” nations which are founded & built upon white supremacist ideologies … or in colonized nations which then eventually led to our previously untouched cultures having white supremacist ideologies interweaved into them … anywhere we go we are told we are not good enough or not attractive enough based upon the Eurocentric “beauty standards” which had permeated this planet and become the standard of beauty and everyone else was seen as “other” …. Finally people are speaking up and out about this and there is some movement in society to appreciate the beauty present in all cultures, and recognize that being seen as beautiful should not be limited to just thin blonde white girls … but for the past 50 years we (BIWOC) have been either ignored altogether and completely disregarded, OR straight up told to our faces that we are unattractive or “less than” the pretty white girl by literally everyone
@Liz Muschinski There is no "legacy of white supremacy". Look around you, POCs are celebrated everywhere, hence the rise of unhealthy post-colonialim, it`s their own race who is racist to them, telling them they are not white enough and have nappy hair. And they are racist towards white people as well, hate them for their looks becasue they cannot achieve that level of whiteness. What your partner has been told, i.e. to whiten his skin, is what is regular occurance among non-whites.
I'm sorry you felt that way about yourself.. You are beautiful inside out!
Applies to friends too. Mentors, therapists…😟
I’m so grateful for this channel cuz it resonates so much. I know I’m not ‘crazy’.
Thanks so much for your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love listening to her. She has a compassionate perspective and points us towards healing.
Next time I think I might have some real relationship changes on the horizon I’m going to write a letter and read it back to myself in CC Fairy voice. Problems are easier to spot when you read them!
I LOVE that idea!! I am part of a 12 step program and so many woman have suggested writing down what I am thinking. Sometimes a letter to the person that I feel most bothered by. Then I read it back to myself. I never fail to see it differently. Lord knows I have overreacted and deeply hurt the other soul and hurt me too 💔 It's a real challenge to be me and not live in fear. 1 day at a time!
Daily Journaling is helpful. I go back and read the week. Wow perspective of time sure changes things.
Once I got used to being alone, it is hard to make room in my life for anyone's baggage.
I began to appreciate my own good qualities and comprehend what I had to offer in a relationship.
my self worth, esteem and confidence has recovered recovered to some degree.
I doubt I will ever be what I once was or could have been, but I am content in knowing who and what I am.
No one else can define me.
These are the things we are supposed to grasp in our youth. But those of us from this functional families usually usually struggle with this.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I need someone who is honest, respectful, accountable, empathetic/compassionate, affectionate, loyal, emotionally mature, non-controlling, someone who values me, loves me unconditionally, accepts me for the way I am and who doesn't want to change anything, someone who is willing to compromise and sacrifice to make things work and finally, someone who is free from past entanglements.
Relationships require a lot of effort, consistency and trust on both sides
Tall Order huh lol
Does anyone else have that thing where you are attracted to others with CPTSD? In a way, it feels safe because you "get" each other and there is less pressure. I'm not sure it's a recipe for success.
Omg yes! I’ve noticed this multiple times. It’s like they can handle your intensity. Never has worked out for me but there’s definitely that illusion of feeling safer for some reason.
That’s what I’m thinking would work for me,having a partner who can relate with me!! Healing together and growing together! Feel safe and healthy together!
She's trying to put herself in relationship situations that she knows are not going to be possible for longterm. It could be a way to accept the defeat and offset the anxiety of trying too hard. Plus she doesn't have to allow herself to feel the rejection as something other than a situation.
Thank you to the person who wrote in! I relate to this one a lot. Being in middle age and never had an "official" relationship, only emotionally unavailable situationships. Then realizing unresolved trauma has so much to do with it. Good luck on your journey, it sounds like you're definitely on the right track and putting in the work to get better.
This helps so much to realize what was "wrong" with me. I had my first relationship with 33 and always avoid it, because I was afraid of being hurt. Then I had my first relationship and thought he was the one, although he had so many red flags and cheated on me and left me for another woman which he married. Than I break my pattern and have chosen a men who was completely different and first time I was equal with somebody. I don't out he on a pedestal, worst first I search for any red flags and imperfections of him (what wasn't fair). And this time I started to sabotage my relationship by going nuts of things which triggered me. Thank God he was and still is a rock in the sea. Now we're 4 years together and 2 years married, but still I'm not an easy partner. I'm still afraid that I'm not good enough or feel left alone, but he's than by my side, although he sometimes don't know what's going on. But now I can talk to him and explain my feelings, which I let out now and don't push them away. And he loves me still ❤
Why am I just now realizing that the purpose of dating is to get to know people slowly. That should be a duh but I guess I never really understood it before as someone who falls in and out of love really fast.
I know what you mean :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too! Thanks for saying this so perfectly @arien!
"Most people don't get there".
And these are the people that actually had the nerve to join a support group.!!
That's hugely discouraging.
The more of your videos that I watch, the more I find out how much people who experienced trauma in childhood have in common...
I realised awhile ago before watching CCF I was in "pretend love" (limerence) with someone I've seen from a distance a few times. I know that sounds bizarre. Being 40, never been in a relationship and nobody interested in me for over 10 years, I'm expecting this is the only "relationship" I will ever have. Even up to a few years ago I thought the problem was because I'm fat/ugly/unlovable etc etc. But actually I'm none of those things. Simply someone who is going about life solo. Accepting this freed myself from desiring something that isn't and possibly never will be. 🙏
Grief is love with nowhere to go.
She is so right. Despite having been married for over 20 years, I never know what I am supposed to want. All of this I can relate to. All of it! Wow! I’ve made mistakes in loving certain people. I am not remorseful though, as love should not be regretted. I love who I love. Good fit or not. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I am healing and starting to think more healthily and am optimistic for the first time in a long long while. I know it isn’t all the fault of men since I own my choices, yet it doesn’t hurt any less knowing what I know. Wow! You totally described me. Lol Absolutely! And saying having all or nothing shouldn’t be a want…I am doing what she says…thinking small. I caught that. Thank you!
It's all true yet being a single mom and healing after abusive marriage with a narc plus childhood c-ptsd it's too much if I add dating on top of this.
Thank you so much for doing what you do here, CCF.
Some bits that really resonated with me:
'Men are looking for someone who brings goodness to the mix" YES! This. Love this.
"Reserving the best in you" = a good reminder to go slow not just in your magical thinking but in how much you OFFER someone in the beginning of getting to know them. That framing will come in handy for me in the future.
and "Eroticized feelings of longing-nothing is going to cut it for you from that place." this makes so much sense, and brings a lot less shame to my feelings of always 'raising the bar' wanting partners to show me/tell me how much they like me which is really just asking them to fill the loneliness I feel within me, which will never be enough.
When I was 21, I went through a break up and I was devastated. I had an anxiety attack and instead of looking for a doctor to help with the physical feelings of not being able to breathe right, I went to look for a therapist! ha ha! I ended up at this lady's office in a fancy part of San Diego and I knew I couldn't afford her services. But I walked out of there with the names of two books. 1. Codependent No More and 2. If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? - Sounds silly doesn't it? But that second book had an exercise where I had to write down everything I could think about my ideal person... I had 52 things written down! Yikes! I had to then put it all in the order of importance and I was supposed to check that list every time I dated someone new. The list was pretty amazing really... You can't date anyone that didn't match your top 5 or something like that. I think I did top 7. I think it's important to write down these qualities. It's important because as an example, it's hard to be a person who barely drinks and you fall in love with someone who's a total party animal. You know? Don't let that happen to you!
Excellent advice, writing down what we really want is a powerful exercise.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Could you please do something on how to enjoy life after cpsd? I often find myself not knowing how to have fun, when I was a kid my life was a big notheness, I wandering around the streets looking for something to do and someone to do things with.. I now find in my adult life I have the means to do anything I want "financially" and some friends but more often than not I'm stuck, staring at the wall, trying to think of what to do but unable to come up with a solution. It's like I have my life in my own hands now but I dont know what to do with it. I'll carry on looking at the wall and staying silent like I was "supposed" to do. I know I can be free.. but I'm trapped.
You do a good job explaining. Problems I never recognize before. I have lost so much with relationships. I was used by woman that are just cold people. God knows my heart for years. The drugs addiction these woman have done to them selves is awful then they use attorneys to get what they want to steel. The Narsacistic personality has come out of them. The devil has ahold of them and there minds. I am puzzled how life makes me feel and think. Seeing death all my life and people that steal from a relationship just always sets me back in mind and emotions. I cry away the old so God will bring on the new.God is at my side I just need to be patient and pray. Thanks
I’m so happy to have found you! I’ve had attachment issues my whole life and after listening to just a couple of your videos I feel hopeful for the first time that I can finally begin to break the cycle. Bless you!
Glad the videos have been helpful. Thank you for being here! :)
Ashley@TeamFairy
Wears shoes and not in jail !!!!
That was gold 🤣
@8 minutes in: I'd like to see a video from you talking in depth about the "discordant vibration".
I would appreciate it so much if you made a video that goes in depth about focus and attention problems rooted in trauma. I thought I was inattentive ADHD, but after learning about CPTSD I'm not sure anymore if my severe focus and attention problems are rooted in trauma or not.
I feel like I relate to Kira 42 year old except not immigrant and person of color. I am 62 been on the journey Kira has been.
This is such a key video. I have attracted unavailable men & push away available men. I’ve taken time to be alone and single but long for a partnership the whole time. I’m about to take another break and get centered within myself and clear.
I never heard of nor would have thought of a twelve step program for avoiding love and having a sponsor. It's brilliant!
Just got out of a situationship, where I was lied to repeatedly about his sexual relationship with another woman. Got attached and now detached and open for other relationships, but it was a confusing time.
I can relate to this woman.
I'm also a woman of colour with immigrant parents that grew up with lack of emotional connection from them, adding to the fact that I suffered from unfortunate situations like sexual harrassement and bullying. I used to feel drawn to people that weren't available or showed little to no romantic interest in me at all because I knew that with them I didn't need to be vulnerable and put myself out there (which is something that scares me), plus I never did the whole "getting to know" someone and just lived in a state of limerance or daydreaming about being in a perfect relationship with them, so I can't really say I have dating experience.
I recently started therapy and it's truly helping me face my traumas and bad habits that are preventing me from moving foward and building real and better connections, getting support was definitely what I needed to get clarity and face reality about what my situation. Seeing alot of comments here of people that where in similar situations, healed and are now happy in a relationship gives me hope and i'll take the Fairy's advice of defining what I want and put boundaries in order to not get caught up with what I dont want, but even if I don't find someone I will be happy for the person I become.
I discovered your channel this week and I have bing watching your videos, I feel like i came off therapy session, I feel much better because I discovered what limerence is. I didn’t have a word for it, i have been living in limerence since I was a kid. I don’t know where it comes from. I have never been abused or neglected I lived in happy family with both parents still together. However, I was bullied at school. All my relationships were and still just fantasies and attracting bad boys or emotionally unavailable men and even messed up men. I just cut off someone from my life (after watching your videos) that I never been with but living with in my fantasies and I know that he is not good for me. Now I have to catch myself every time my brain starts spinning. Reading all the comments I’m glad I’m not the only one. Thank you ❤️
Eeesh my picker seems broken
Mine too.
Same 😣
I feel the same :(
I'm 61 with P-PTSD and partial-sightedness .. and have never dated. I'm terrified. After seeing your interview with the Australian autism expert, I now also realise that the fact that I have no detail vision means I can't read people's faces but rather 'see' with my ears. I am seeing blind which adds another layer to my C-PTSD. Would be great, Anna, if you could do a program on that and I'd be happy to write you a letter about my story of how I've thrived in some areas but not in others. Are there others out here with that added dimension of also being visually-impaired or having a hearing problem? I think this is a wonderful movement so thank you so for making a difference in a much-needed, hands-on way.
Hi Jane. I am totally blind in right eye, and my left is compromised slightly too, but I have to manage So, I empathise with you. I think a lot of this comes down to courage. It is terrifying to date, esp as we get older. But, Life is Short, and we must try to get our piece of the pie. You need someone with great understanding and patience. It's not impossible. Someone told me the opposite of fear is excitement. Good Luck to you 😊
@@madhuridas4745 Thanks for responding. Really appreciate it. I've done the Dating & Relationships program now (as the last module) and will be venturing out into that world slowly, very slowly, and journalling as I go along. Actually looking forward to it and now feel so much more in control, with tools to help and guide me. When our vision is impaired, we focus more on what our ears hear - never a bad thing 😀.
“I want to give space for my desire” I understood that to mean she wants to make sure it’s not her sexual desire dictating what she ends up doing. But that might be just my own mind. Me, if I feel like I want to get involved with someone, but I’m not sure if it’s just my libido “deciding”? I masturbate before I see them again. Often I then find I have no desire for that person, it was just my body’s need for sexual release. The human need for intimacy is harder to figure out, but I’m fortunate enough to have friends and animals to cuddle with. I just want to make sure it’s not a need that drives me into a relationship. I know I need to heal first.
Kira was extremely eloquent n educated n insightful
Yes. She's a catch.
Wheeeeeeeew, Chiiiiiiiiild! Talk about generational cursing. Look at us determined to heal!
Yes, look at us now!
I didn't write this letter.... But i feel seen, it is me. Despite the CHILDHOOD traumas being different... But how we end up handling relationships and feelings, emotions the same
That’s a very honest letter. Well done writing it.
Brutally honest. I love her vulnerability
I can't do relationships and I hate children. WHY you ask? I was raised by terrible people, now I'm a terrible person. It's not complicated. All my relationships fail because I'm selfish and do what I want. TRUST ME, it's you not them!
This woman is a lot like me. Though I’ve been less abused. Mine was more mental by my parents, but I also felt they loved me Even though they would down me and ignore me. But be like I feed u and u have a roof over your head and I don’t beat u like of course I love u. So I didn’t Even start to smarten up until they were both dead and I was 41. I’m 56 Always wanted biological children. Too late now. Now trying to find happiness. And what u said in the end. My Dad was always funny the life of the party. Now that I am alone. I try to find the humor in situations and make myself and other people laugh naturally and don’t try too hard cause then it ain’t funny. Trying to find happiness. And I was a loner but people really do need people. Like u kind of said. Not going to find happiness sitting alone in your room. Thank u u are helping me not feel so alone😊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Pretty much me and my childhood also. Except for the physical abuse. I would say it was more unintentional neglect - a father who was ill for a few years and died when I was seven, and a mother who had several children to care for as well as keep a roof over our heads, and me being the youngest by a long way - there just wasn't time for me. I too was a minority where I lived - of a different ethnic background in a very anglo saxon city. The constant message from the world was that there was something wrong and disgusting about me because of my ethnicity, I was constantly insulted and made to feel like I didn't belong, so I learned to keep myself and my needs VERY small.
Another thing about being attracted to men who are unavailable - usually at least 10 years younger than me - is that when it ends (as I always know it will) I have a default excuse for the failure - it wasn't who I was as a human being that was the problem, but the 'age difference'. It's a way of protecting myself from feeling that I'm at fault or not good enough as a person.
I want to applaud your incredible self awareness and wish you good luck in your healing. God bless
@@beatrixbrennan1545 many, many thanks ❤
I stop shrinking to fit the narrative of my toxic sister
I've never found the man who would value goodness *but* I've stopped chasing after unavoidable people who live two hours away. I did used to do that for years. Higher standards as left me celibate for years. But hey ho. It's still better.
Friends can be like this too. Not just romantic relationships.
Wow, in just a few days I have learned so much about myself with this channel. Now I know I am also a love-sex anorexic. I will not allow the label to stick, but it's great to know that I have learned more now than with all the therapists I've had in twenty years.
I went through this exact situation with the younger different path about to move and I convinced myself I could deal with it. Well when he left, my daughter also left within days. Idk what happened but I went off the rails. The obsession that laid upon him was suffocating. I spent 3 days on minimal sleep drawing a portrait of him. I wasn't "working" anymore. My new job was obsessing and stalking so I could remain attached from afar and not be left behind. Meanwhile I was fighting for my daughter that I couldnt touch. It ruined, reinforced, and humiliated me. Its been 6 yrs and I still can't let it go. The pandemic and other variables have eliminated a way to move on. So, I alternate my obsession in secret so I can still feel close. Its insane and I am so much better than this but the self punishment feels appropriate for failing my kid. Im messed up
I get what she means about relationships being learning opportunities. Ive been very promiscuous and/or also had a lot of involvement with people too. Like never 100% single. And after a while you do realize you learn from everyone, learn more about yourself but you also condition yourself to either leave or be left and always look towards the next thing. I did it in my last relationship. Talked up the possibilities of what i could do without him, to try to salve being so scared of losing him. Happy to say I actually ended that cause he’s a narcissistic, liar and gas lighter.
I sincerely commend you in how you come across in your videos - like a wise higher being - an evolved soul people can get wise counsel from. So thank you so very much for helping so many people. One thing people can do prior to seeking a relationship is, get a sheet of paper. Draw a line in the centre. At the top of one column, write "Qualities/characteristics in a man or woman I want as a partner. On the top of the other column write, "Qualities/characteristics in a man or woman I will avoid." On a separate sheet of paper, you can even write down where you want to be in 2, 3, or 5 yrs. This would include the type of home you want and where, to what the inside looks like, whether you're living alone or with someone, your job and income, etc., etc. Write down your biggest dreams no matter how out of reach and big they may seem at the moment. Then place it in an envelope and leave it there until the date of that goal. Many people have done this, and achieved their desires. Even celebrities and very successful people. And it's ok to go back and rewrite and change things too.
@25 seconds: "not a fit ... not appropriate" ... That's the story of my life .... began with my mom and my dad... my older brother and older sister... my grandmothers ... continued on from there.
I used to watch u for someone I love tremendously but he was unable to speak his truth so the dishonestly became too unbearable for me to trust. I underestimated that these videos r also helpful for me. My traumas aren’t nearly as severe but I only now realize I have space to care about me too. I’m proud of myself for letting go. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m growing n healing the codependency issues I’ve always struggled with fuelled by my childhood abandonment. Thank u for all the guidance. I appreciate u
I can so identify with this. I had a boyfriend once, didn’t have a job, I have my Masters and have always worked in a good job. He told me he thought I’d be dating someone like the President of Intel. I was shocked. Both then and later when he broke up with me cause he’d found someone else. At least I didn’t bite when he came back around, but have never learned how to value myself. Thanks dad.
Glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've given up on love relationships. I don't have the energy for a bunch of bull. I have alot of good things on my own. I'll know true love when I see it. I've been celibate for six years because I don't want to put my health at risk.Too many Liars, cheaters and users. I'm not sure I'll ever meet someone at this point. The last man I met is a surgeon. I wasn't interested in him as he flirted with me and tried to get closer to me for two years. I kept my distance then finally I let a sliver of openess in. I asked him if he was married because I would run if he was. He said he's in a relationship. I told him he's misleading and to have a wonderful day and take care. See, this is why I'm tired of it all. That man wanted to put me in a third party mistress situation I'm thinking. I have no part of men like him but I don't have time for manipulative games.
Thanks for the comments- rooting for your healing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear Fairy,
you are simply worth of gold!
Many many thank for your work, input and passion!
I count you to the backbone of Humankind, God bless you!
Wow, thank you
I can relate to that letter. I’m 33 and my life is a mess. In therapy but I’m not seeing any changes.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Attachment to therapists is very common & always a dead end.
I’m finding, to ask a lot of questions and if those questions are not answered, leave....also having the sex right away, it is one of the best ways to avoid the relationship
Hmmm. I just moved in my new place. Over 2400 square feet. I’m single and child free. Just me and my 35 pound dog. I type this reply from the teeny tiny guest bedroom. I have my pick of three vacant bedrooms yet I still chose the smallest room in the house for my air mattress until my furniture arrives.
I’m so thankful for this question and this community. I love this segment, it validate and its relevance for healing journey. Thank you
I appreciate your soothing voice when I feel so sad and anxious. Thank you.
Ugh i been needing your videos
I needed to hear this today. 🥺❤🙏🏻
I saw a video on limerence, where she said, that physical attraction is based in certain parts of the body, where attraction that's really limerence is placed in other parts of the body.. it resonated with me, I think if you have cptsd you can confuse the two
Awesome message.
Oh god it is so true. I have ctpd too. This all has happened with me and is still happening. I just got to click on this video. I never knew I was suffering from this condition. Yes I agree I had a very neglectful childhood too. I was a neglected child. My father is a narcissist. He actually hates me. It has impacted me so badly. Actually I have always been attracted and involved with immature or unavailable men. And had this foggy imaginary feeling maybe this man is right for me or he is my savior. Just today now after watching this video I got to know what I m going through. I have always played small in life and love and a people pleaser too. I feel so exhausted now and the man who is responsible for all this is my own father. It's been a tough life man.
Great 👍 video. Totally hits home.