LIMERENCE: Online Relationships That HOOK You With Hope
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- Опубликовано: 26 дек 2021
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When your realize a love interest isn't what they seem, there's a huge temptation to keep the relationship alive by abandoning yourself -- your values, what you want out of life, your self-respect -- even allowing yourself to be used to keep someone else's life exciting. Maybe you volunteer to be in friends-with-benefits relationship, even though for you, the only “benefit” is staying in denial. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who got wise about an online romance, and has tried coping with the loss by using others.
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Since I found your videos I found the strength to leave A 10 year long abusive relationship. Thank you fairy!
That's a giant leap. Well done! 🤩
So proud of you!!
You've earned my respect. Please, from here in out, whatever you do, please(and I'm literally begging you) please don't look back and give second chances. Please dont. You've gathered the strength to walk away. Its only forward movement from here. Wish you luck 🥰❤
YAYYYYYY! for YOU!!!!!!💕💕💕
Hugs
A lot of grief is from limerence rather than the reality. So relatable.
I think it is from the pain of it being empty and disappointing like going to hug a hologram. It gives the impression of being solid and real but it is not.
@@RB-gv2yh Thanks.
I feel this. It's the loss of the dream.
Yes ! We're grieving a family member and they're making him out to be a mystical unicorn... they get angry when I say he was just a grumpy horse.
@@x-mess LOL I'm no expert in the best way to handle grief, but I love the way you expressed that. In fact, I think what you're talking about would be worth a video, at least.
Just cancelled my meet up for tonight. I’ll never get past this lifestyle if I keep myself in limerance over & over again. Distracted from my life, not focused on what needs to be done just passively distracted with just being something for THEM. All the time I’ve wasted being a girlfriend to guys who treat me like a prostitute (without the pay!) I’m so happy this video just came out, you are really opening my eyes to the work I need to do.
Don't sleep with anyone until you're married. Until then, cutting and running is way too easy for the guy. Our ancestors had it right all along.
@@lumpyspacecadet i dont think sex is a bad thing before marriage, despite i was raised in religious family....
of course, sex with consent and safety from both partner....
@Paul Gauthier some people fo have dark sexual needs, which is so detached from normal norm, i see a lot of unhuman sex act, but they use prostitute than talking to their own partner, of course normal people definitely scared and run with those weird sex act....
i saw those videos where they had crazy act while having sex, modern people are very dark dude, geez..
PROUD OF YOU!!!
@@AdelleRamcharan Thank You!! All of the special insight & guidance from your videos has helped immensely as well ✨
This is better than my talking with my therapist. Thank you for putting this content out for free so that people can learn about their devastating behaviors.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Amen!
Therapists are no help at all with dating issues, or female bullying narcissists at work.
Years later I listen to a couple of coaches on RUclips and find out all this dating crap I endured was intentional on the part of the guys. They were not at all “clueless”, they were manipulative.
I am 55 years old and in the last few years have made decisions that I was totally unaware was me having become healed from CPTSD. I no longer crap fitted and ended up divorced, my next attempt at a relationship was a true test of my boundaries and expectations. In all of these situations, I thought I had failed. That I was just so difficult to love. Whereas, I was actually making healthy choices for myself, albeit extremely painful. I thank you for giving me that clarity. I may not get to practice that knowledge as I am terminally ill and have not long to go, but I will go knowing that I finally made it. Your work has brought me peace and such pride in how far I have come. Thank you.
Praying for your complete healing. God loves you . John 3.16
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's a great reminder that change and growth is the greatest gift we give ourselves. I'm glad to see you feel at peace.
Thank you for an incredible testimony of healing. You are most loveable. So few people ever get to learn how to love themselves in a lifetime. I would love to hear more about things you did to come by your peace, to realize you were not a failure.🙏🏼 Only if it pleases you. I believe there are so many things to die to before we leave our bodies. Respectfully, I salute you. ❤️💪🏼
❤Sending you lots of love💕💕
You should feel pride for your healing. Glad you made peace with the real light that you embody. It's not on your temporary skinsuit😉 and 55 is still young. You win after all 🥰 well done sister. May you carry the peace into eternity 💕🙏🏼
Needed this. I'm recovering from an on and off again relationship that lasted a year. I'm finally realizing I was lovebombed, devalued and discarded. I abandoned myself and held on trying to be "friends" and I settled for it hoping he would give me a chance again. I'm glad you do these videos, I'm 25 years old and dealt with my mental health since I was 9 years old. I'm realizing I was never happy at all, I just never understood why I have an issue emotionally detaching. I realized I volunteered in my own suffering.
I feel you. I find it hard to emotionally detach from people. My thoughts become almost obsessive.
I’ve come to realise that time is a healer when splitting up with someone. Even though the pain is so raw when a split first takes place, overtime people like us will be healed ✌️
glad you realised this so young honey. Big Hugs from Australia
It’s been two years for me being sick about a break up. I cannot wait til that feeling is completely gone, along with the fantasy I’d hoped for. It is dissipating, yet slowly.
I didn’t have time for such.
Great you found out early, sounds like you've got good insights. I wasted 15 years knowing it wasn't good for me. I'll likely never have another relationship, at 63, there's not much point in trying.
@@katiekane5247, I would change that conclusion if I were you. Good relationships can begin at any age. Don't starve yourself if it is based on automatic beliefs and programs. Your words and thoughts are more powerful than you know. Choose them wisely. If you find ideas that don't serve you, delete them. Give them over to spirit. They don't own you. You're the master of your mind. I wish you a happy life with healthy warm relationships! 🙏✨
It’s always in those moments when you are starting to feel good about yourself, or you’re working towards a goal, that these Marco types appear out of the woodwork and somehow derail things.
Abby was having a good time on her own in Europe and then got derailed by schmucko.
I’m finding myself trying to shake off a similar carrot-dangling online situation. It’s taken me out of character for a while. I thought it was exhilarating but I heard the advice and there is a down side to it.
Here we go again. At least I’m choosing myself over an unstable situation.
Yeah, if the guy were interested, he would have asked her out for coffee and dinner during the training. But you still have to be wary in these situations that take place everyone in a fantasy for a few days or a week. He could have been cheating on his wife if he took her out. There’s a reason he didn’t do anything in front of his colleagues, and kept it secret in cyberspace.
I’m fascinated with these limerence topics. This is a new word to me.
It's new for me too, and WOW! I never knew it even had a name.
Dr.Grande did videos and I think he may have used it in his video on types of love. Also it's brought up in books on infidelity and the recovery from it. You can see it all over.
Me too. It is like a key that unlocked a lot. I was rewatching a romcom type tv show i was into years ago with lots of longing and complicated relationships. I realized so much of that was aggravating limerence for me
@@KoreaMojo I haven see those
I havent heard about interesting before either, very interesting...
It happens to me a lot🤦🏻♀️
I had a long distance relationship once. At first we loved each other and it was so nice, I felt thrilled about seeing him every year or so when we were on vacation and all. But it all went down hill when I started obsessing if he would message me or not, if he could be cheating or not because I couldn't actually BE THERE physically (and yes, he admited that he did cheat lmao, what could I expect). And so he "broke up" with me last year by saying "we should stay online friends". And since then, 2021 was a year of heartbreak for me. Because I just blindly put all my heart and emotions in a guy that I couldn't even touch physically. I was actually really depressed at first. But at just the start of 2022 I realised... WHY AM I SUFFERING FOR SOMEONE I ONLY KNOW THRU THE INTERNET? and that changed my whole mindset about online dating. I think I'm never doing it again.
Same story as yours.
I’ll never date online/ long distance again either.
I Agree!
No On line dating
No Out of State!
I’m ✔️ Done
There's this common element in so many limerent episodes: the tormenting (also, infuriating) indecisiveness of someone we are already attached to. Like here, the traveling jokes - twice, come on! Been there, done that. In reality, in my experience, their indecisiveness means "shall I continue this game or is it becoming too serious"? Because the decision has already been made and it's not in favor of us.
Your channel is a godsend. I’m 41 and have been hung up on a “Marco” for the past year and just now seeing the situation for what it is, sadly. Better late than never.
I thought the same thing, that Marco has other women he's doing this with, and was planning to hook up with them on his trip. I also think the reason he showed renewed interest when Abby backed off was because he wants what he can't have. He may have CPTSD himself.
I once got involved with someone online, who lived thousands of miles away. It was fun, it was exciting, and it progressed to a point, but really it was just a pseudo relationship that kept me from finding a real relationship.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
No thrills Chapman
Marco is a professional player who benefits from situations like this.. sadly there's tons of creeps like him out there and our quick microwave relationship crap game is making it so easy for these predators. They are hunting for sex. creeps!!!
@@lovearttherapyalways "Quick microwave relationship crap game" is such a great line!
@@Captain_MonsterFart thanks... sadly this is how our society rolls nowadays... everything quick which just does NOT work. God bless you!
So wish this info was out when I was younger. You are amazing. My dating life has been hell and here I am at 46, never married. Haven't dated in years. The heartache isn't worth it.
I’m trying my best to make peace with the idea that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Every marriage and relationship I ever witnessed growing up was filled with pain, abuse and sorrow so, there are worse things than ending up alone I guess. You’re not alone. I’m sorry about your experience.
Same.
I'm 45 and I could have written your comment.
Did any of you know as a child that you would be single in adulthood?
Romance is a scam. Better to accept that sooner than later.
You can also be used by your adult children, friends, colleagues. Learning to establish boundaries with people is so important
Precisely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Most days, I'm really thankful for my decreased hormone influence on my behavior & thoughts. I'm a healthy 63 & while sex & specifically the attention I got from men was fraught with discomfort, I craved it with all my being. I spent years physically missing the intimacy I thought I'd had with my ex. I never found the balance in any relationship, it went 0 to 100 & back to negative 0, every single time. I realized I was drawn to bad relationships & just quit pursuing them. Other than the occasional night sweat, it's rather freeing to enter menopause. As for the absent sex drive, there's other things to keep me occupied! It sure makes feeling "alone & happy" a lot easier.
Thanks peace to God. Amen 🙏
Exactly why I want an age appropriate companion. Someone who knows what a (nearly) 60 y/o woman is suppose to look like (I'm keeping it real) and has the same ebb and flow as moi. I'm not looking for a lover per se. More of a companion. Sex is second or third rung. Cheers, sister. :)
This video came just in time. I’ve been seeing a guy who I really thought liked me but is constantly between consistent communication and ghosting me. I feel so foolish because I slept with him thinking it was different since he seemed to care about me, but his recent lack of effort has proved otherwise. I try to set boundaries but when they don’t work I abandon my morals
Yes!
Holy crap you literally described the story of my life. Lack of effort is such tell tell sign. It's so hard though to just move on. Ugh I hate relationships. 😑
THIS EXACT THING JUST HAPPENED TO ME. I met someone on tinder and started having sex with them. They would take me out sometimes and text me sometimes and sometimes not. But always met for sex once a week. I became so obsessed with whether they really liked me it not, I lost 20 pounds in 2 months and never slept more than 4 hours a night. I thought I was losing my mind. Truly awful. I was abandoned by my husband of 25 years 2 years ago, and this crazy relationship just triggered all the pain and loss from my divorce. Thankfully I finally confronted him about the relationship and he admitted he just wanted the sex. I was truly relieved to be set free. Now I realize how vulnerable to limerance I am. I will watch myself like a hawk and never let this happen again. I was TOTALLy out of control over my brain and body. Frightening.
Intense story, thanks for sharing it and thank goodness you are feeling free again!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That’s what Tinder is for- people who just want “hookups”. You went looking for that and you found it.
@@genxx2724 i don’t think she went there to hook up , man and maybe some women uses those dating apps just for that , when other women like her she may dudbt know the real porpusse masked those apps are … man there lies and acts in diff ways that inexperienced vulnerable good women gets trapped !
@@lizzetcastro73 Tinder is for people who are just looking for that. It’s not for dating.
@@genxx2724 yeah , see like me i didn’t know , i tought was a dating app is it shows clearly is just for hooking up ? or is just masked as “dating “ and man as usual takes advantage , well i found out there is women who also looks just for sex , but not my case i just can’t separate feelings and just being sex casual ?! how they call it now days …
I’m 34 and a single mom. I’ve taken a break on dating because I kept doing things wrong and kept getting hurt. I was allowing myself to do casual dating and casual sex but I kept getting hurt so I figured I just needed to stop all of that! I’m so happy to have found this channel!! When I decide to start dating again I’m going to use all of your advice!!
“Single mom” or divorced? It’s not the same thing. Mothers have no business dating casually or having sex outside marriage, subjecting the kids to your emotional roller coaster. The only focus belongs on the family. Children are suppose to be raised by married parents who are emotionally secure and stable in love, and focused on the best interests of the kids. You had your time to date around BEFORE you had kids. Now you owe them stability.
@@genxx2724 noone asked you 🙄
@@genxx2724stop- it’s hard to believe you are a genXer you sound like a boomer. women can do whatever they want and whatever they are comfortable and is healthy for them. Mind your own business. It doesn’t matter if she is a “single mom” or “divorced” - that antiquated mindset is thankful dead now.
The best ones are the ones when you get lovebombed and then they try and get money out of you. Can’t tell you how many times men have tried that (and failed) on me.
You got $5 I can borrow?
@@donpeace894you got 10 I can borrow?
Not even just relationships if you have to be question you are being used, you are being used
I'm so glad you're working on the triggers! Have you come to our peer led Daily Practice calls yet? We'd love to have you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wonderful insight, Anna! A lot of us have experienced this kind of connection from men online. The worst of these guys add love bombing and future faking to this behavior. They know you won't engage in all this if they don't snow you with these techniques. They see that if they make you think they care about you and believe their intentions are genuine you will allow them to use you this way. They are saving the $8.99 per minute they'd have to pay an online porn talk girl! BTW, your skin is glowing and fabulous!
That's how young people end up being raped, kidnapped and murdered.
How can one be snowed by someone through social media, long distance? Especially if they've never met in person?
@@amber40494 loneliness and isolation
@@lunasea4309 yes, you're right, I didn't mean to sound callous.
We should create a directory of these men! They prey on women like us.
I realize I was drawn to long distance relationships because I spent much of my childhood in and out of hospitals. I had a single mother who wasn’t emotionally present and an absent father. I associated love with longing, and any time I expressed a desire for closeness, I was labeled clingy, told to wait, or given excuses.
My last relationship was very similar to this, all these plans but no fruition. They dangled the relationship like a carrot when there was conflict or would ghost me.
I’ve finally healed and am ready for something steady and tangible. I don’t have CPTSD but I relate to many of the topics. I’m on the right track and your videos help me stay there.
Online dating can often set unrealistic expectations...you can create a whole persona around someone which may not be based in reality....then there are safety issues with online dating, especially for women over 50....women over 50 are targeted by the online scammers.
The truth here cut me deep... kinda feel ashamed of letting someone in recently. I let him go and cut all contact a week ago. I need to watch this again because it's too painful to take it all in at once.
This was me and I got zero friends so kinda suckssss
Everyone hates my energy but I’m walking on myself to become better
Hope you are feeling better Tshego. 🌻🌟
Famous last words “I thought he liked me but was just shy”
This is how my ex husband presented at first. Then turned out to be a sex addict and serial cheater with a double life
So sorry to hear you went through that
If a man calls himself shy - he's hiding something and pretends to be better than he is and might be hiding something dark.
@@Wiggy8 thank you for your kind words ❤️
I had a friend like Marco. He had HUNDREDS of girls he messed with just for funzies. After a few drinks he was bragging about it to everyone. Joked about opening up a paysite.
Who are all these perfect balanced women who have total self love and high self esteem who have scooped up all the decent, healthy living men? I’m assuming that’s why there appear to be no available men for those of us trying to heal? I mean, that appears to be the narrative.
No where to be found because perfect people do not exist. It's just another lie to keep yourself "separate" from the world.
There are a few out there, no doubt, but I think the ones who appear to be that are often femme fatales, who treat men like they're lucky to be dating them. Man-eaters! Men (perhaps nicer ones) often fall for that sort if they have 'The Mother Wound'.
I love your comment! As much as I appreciate the resources, I do think all the self work universe makes us feel like there are these perfect women out there.
This woman''s story sounds so much like my own last summer/fall. Same motivations, same rationalizations. Except for my history of alcohol-anesthetized casual sex at sprinting speeds. 19 booze-free years later, I find after my beloved husband's death, that this behavior still cropped up in me. My only comforts are: (1) I cut it off after a relatively short 3 months, and (2) I'm well-into Anna's dating course. SO done with it.
This woman is amazing!! Oops! This fairy is amazing!! I watch all of her videos, I am from Portugal and realized that it really does not matter where you come from, a crappy childhood will leave traumas and negative marks, in children of any culture! I feel amazed by each one of them, even when I don't relate to the situation in some of the videos, I find incredible how she communicates so easily and frankly! I love her!
Thanks so much for the supportive comments :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear Abby, you're doing great embracing the truth about Marco. I've had some Marcos too and life is SO much better without them
So much of it feels like my experiences. The pain is excruciating.
This is an important topic...I wish you would also do a video about online dating for woman over 50, who suffer from trauma /low self esteem from their youth.... This is the target group for online scammers....if you are over 50, you are less savvy about computers and the cyber world in general.. The scammers perceive women over 50 to have money, and also perceive them to make for an easier victim than men....Loneliness in older people can make them become easy victims...and every year these scammers take millions from their older victims. If you had a crappy childhood and suffer from low self esteem, it can make you even more vunerable.
Since a broke free from the scam of romance, I feel so free and strong.
"the man is poison", "walking heartbreak"!!! Love that, Anna. ❤️ Meeting this guy will play really bad on your self esteem Abby. Say No! Abby. Take back your power. You will be so so proud of yourself.
The objects of my affections were likely just as damaged as I was! This is what I think of listening to how this guy is preying on this woman. What is wrong with him that he needs to do this to people? It's dangerous! I hope he also finds the help he really needs someday somehow. What a lovely channel. Really helps us see ourselves better & stop hurting ourselves and each other as we've been hurt. I have gained more compassion for myself and others, and I know I'm not alone, none of us is, just feels as if I am. Thanks, Crappy Childhood Fairy!
I'm done with the fake shy guys.
You are so right. When we finally get rid of these creeps, and the limerance spell breaks, it's like this wonderful free feeling, like we just lost a parasite or negative energy.
1 minute and 23 seconds in and you have completely called me out on everything ever and currently. Thank you have a nice day.
I know the feeling!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know right!!
Ingenius. Ohh, the perceived, better to say, supposed and hoped for shyness.... A very significant sign we misinterpret on purpose, that's what it is. "Shyness" is in fact the synonym for unavailability, a.k.a. the person playing with you feeling somewhat guilty and their conscience showing you the red flags. 🚩🚩🚩
The overgeneralization part was not right on my part. Still, the writer tells us about the "indifference" that she felt in person - and, in hindsight, it doesn't make sense. I mean, it was Marco being smart & cunning but to feel that either this distance or the sudden online interest is out of character is so important. And we, limerents tend to explain it away and blur the immorality of the actions that are right in front of our face bc we get attached too quickly. Marco is a wierdo and has the characteristics of cowardice (not real shyness/awkwardness, I agree, not at all) and the goal of minimal involvement - plus, has widespread experience in what he does, it seems. It's also common for limerents not to be able to fall out of one episode until there is another one, or, at least, a back up option - so far, I haven't really seen a real solution to that problem.
Yes. Why didn’t he step up and ask her out in front of his colleagues? Because he’s not single, that’s why
I believe your videos are little miracles from divinity. It always hits when I need it the most.
I’ve fallen back into limmerance and have been in a “friendship” that is heavily emotionally charged but is with a person that is completely unavailable and dating a lot of other people.
I’ve been crap fitting like a pro, even going as far as believing she loves me but her military ptsd is preventing her from being committed or available.
I’ve fallen “off the wagon”, time for some tough self love
kick her to the kerb if she's not 100% into you.
You got this! I know what you're feeling, and it sucks. Be brave!! And best of luck to you. 😊
First thing you gotta do is stop putting people on pedestals. Describing Anna's videos as "divinity" is over the top. They're just really practical and helpful videos not the burning bush of god or whatever
Abby is very insightful and self aware. Respect to her, and to you, Anna!👏🏼👍🏾👌🏻🙌🏾🤝🏻☮ ☆Blessed Be☆
Just left a very similar "relationship" with an extremely manipulative person. Feeling very lonely and missing the attention and butterflies, but I feel like my life has been handed back to me. Now I can focus on self-care and creating healthier relationships. Not sure how to deal with the strong desire for love and affection though. I wish I could just magically not need anyone's affection and be on my own but I really long for that feeling. None of my family members are emotionally available and I don't have very close friends so I guess I'll have to figure this out on my own after all...
You don't have to do it alone, we have a membership full of support courses.crappychildhoodfairy
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m working on overcoming my splitting tendencies and paranoia about being cheated on, so it’s so painful and confusing that men will put so much time into baiting & switching women; I was texting a guy for a month before our 1st date and he was so communicative & open. Now he’s too busy with work to text beyond good morning/good night for days in a row with no plans for our next date. Your videos and the stories you share provoke the reflection I need to see whether I’m overreacting or fawning. Thank you CCF 🙏🏽
Wish I had discovered this channel back in my 20s (or 30 years ago) ..it would have saved me lots of heartaches and bad decisions!.. 💖
I think that our lack of being loved and comforted properly as children sets us up and the society with the lying videos and love songs and fairy tale cinderella stories set us up from childhood to fall into this trap. Predators were also groomed to know how to pounce on our weaknesses. What a mess our world is! I wish I could stop my grand daughters from this set up!
Im serioisly PROUD of Abby and her awareness 🌷
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Way to go Abby, listening to your intuition and rejecting him! Really happy for you and I’m glad you shared it, as Anna said, you’re a cautionary tale for the rest of us.
"I used to think that if you didn't have someone with you, experiences aren't as valuable." I lived this mindset, alone, for so long completely devaluing myself and my experience because "someone" wasn't there with me.
Yes bring alone sucks for sure
Godddddd this is my situation. It's such a mirror it's crazy! Thank you Abby for sharing! This work is so important. We all deserve so much better.
I have been through this, and for me, “Marco” was always going to be better than “Local Guy”because “Marco” is imaginary. He’s your imaginary ideal lover. His texts are brief, and easy to mentally embellish, his sexiness is perfect for you because it is you who makes him exciting. “Marco” is you, basically. If you saw the guy for who he was, for how he sees you, all that passion for him would go cold.
This! 💯
Long distance is perfect for idealism and limerance
I am going to preface this with the woman of whom I speak purchased a "manners" book for her nieces and nephews and offered up $1500 to each of them if they could get through the dinner per "the rules". Each rule broken meant $200 subtracted from the $1500. Sad to say, but her nieces and nephews turned it into a mockery and walked away with little to nothing. So, this woman "dated" another man in another country for three years. Both highly successful professionals. She said after they broke up, (paraphrasing,) "Anyone can be on their best behaviour and "perfect" when you only see them every couple of months." What pushed her over the edge and to break it off was that he had the audacity to push his peas onto his fork with his finger! I'm serious. She broke it off that night and high tailed it back to Canada the next day and never looked back. I laughed, but she has standards and sticks to them.
@stephaniejames6672 This is so true. Currently in long distance limerance situation and I need to remind myself of this. Matt have to screen shot your comment to save.
The best video from you so far, Anna! I was just involved in something similar, and then he claims he met "the one". My instinct is that "the one" found out he was chatting to me (and maybe others). Can't prove it. I was engaging in a lot magical thinking too, with all of the coincidences and 'fate'. (Insert eye roll).
Right after it ended, I found your channel on RUclips. I find that was fateful. 🙂. I've learned so much, and I don't feel so alone knowing that there are others out there that are going through the same types of things. I used to feel so alone in like some kind of weirdo for the way I was thinking, and the things that I do. I think I now have the key to kind of go through and mostly rewire everything. I actually have UNDERSTANDING now. Thank you!
You explained a very extremely hurtful situation that happened to me over 7 years in this vid. Ahhhhh healing is good. And I hate that others have this issue, at least I am not alone. 😫
You're definitely not alone. Glad that you're spending the time to heal. We're cheering you on! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Inexplicable shyness also feeds our insecurity regarding the mutual attraction - bc somehow it doesn't feel right when we are supposed to be soulmates & feel the same intensity - and so, fuels the limerence limbo that keeps us hooked really badly. Also, guess what: due to CPTSD, I can be really shy, inhibited and easily embarrassed in social situations. Still, when I - very rarely - feel genuine attraction, I get the courage to speak, even to initiate. I can overcome the inhibition for the sake of sg so pure, so great and so significant. Whether my (too speedy) judgement regarding reciprocation has ever been correct is another question...
I agree it's same with me and that's why I believe anna when she says that if someone really wants to be with you they'll make it clear
Abandoning your values is the price of losing your peace. Don't abandon your values and lower your standards, better to be yourself then blend into someone else. Been in some of these situations when I was much younger. C.p.s.d. acting up is a good time to pay attention to what is happening. One of my rules I had to develop was: no casual personal interaction. I realized we all have our own stuff to deal with when I got into recovery, that only time I ever got mad was when I realized I dropped my own values. Getting small minded and acting up still happens but today I usually catch it a lot faster.
You do such a great job of presenting information, thank you. It sets a good example for me.
So true I just kinda self isolated
I wish I’d found you 7 years ago. I would have avoided some very deep trauma. I am healing myself retroactively now thank you so much - please write a book too
She is working on it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Is this a thing that occurs with online friendships too? I’ve had bad experiences and been disappointed with people I thought were my friends. It was just online, therefore false, and not real.
Every youg woman should watch this channel all women 💯💜💕💯💯💯
i literally received this video notification few seconds AFTER i made status about online relationship in general. i mean, i tend to share my heart way too quickly when there's someone talking to me. I've figured it out that not all people who talks to me is interested in knowing and UNDERSTANDING me. mostly they're just "curious" but not really into me. I feel embarrassed that it took me for a while to fix everything about my codependency issue.
it's important to acknowledge that not everyone is interested in deep connections, some people might never have any deep relationship ever in their life and thats their problem not yours ...and it's great that you are aware of your tendency to codepend. Keep a note of what triggers that and notice when your codependency is triggered and have a 1st aid plan in advance on what to do when that happens. :)
@@lunasea4309 yup. i have BPD. so i know and pretty much aware of my codependency. I've noticed that most people who talked to me told me that they needed time to grasp what i was saying and they also said that i wrote lengthy messages. i didn't realize it if i wasn't told. Oh i have ADHD too which makes me overspill things sometimes and i would get upset when it's not reciprocated. My thinking pattern isn't always linear but like "spider webs". I like talking about many "deep" things, like psychology, philosophy, dreams, life, sometimes science, and i'm both thinker and feeler. I value honesty, logic, and rational thinking. But sometimes i'm too consumed with my emotions and be blinded by it. So i couldn't see myself when my BPD takes place. But i value their honesty though, when they said something like, "honestly i'm not interested about that", "sorry i don't understand what you're saying". That's easier for me to handle than with people who are trying to be "polite" but suddenly they ghosted me, deleted me, blocked me, while in my head i already "assumed" they are into me, interested in my mind, and wanting to develop deep connection with me.
I realized that i might have assumed a lot and not seeing things organically. I often ended up feeling unheard, unappreciated, misunderstood and they left me with a bad taste in my mouth. This pattern happened not only twice but way too many until someone, few days ago, gave me a sudden epiphany about my online relationship (not always in romantic way but relating to people in general).
Oh btw, i noticed you edited your comment bcs i saw something like, "there's no shame in expecting people to be genuinely interested in us..?". Well, tbh my expectation has given me so many delusions before, sadly. Instead of seeing thing as it is, i made some "scenarios" in my mind which are not always true. I used my "intuition" a lot (like this video mentioned) and made ugly assumptions. But in the other hand, i got what you're saying though. It's really hard to find people who are in the same wavelength. This time, I'll just let it happen (if there's any) and not dabbling with my "intuition". 😅
Thank you for your comment, thank you for the reminder that it's not my fault if they're not interested in me.
@@serenity_in_reverie hiii I have something similar…. If you want to talk lemme know I’m here -!!
@@adatbh thank you for the offer!! i appreciate it Ada! rn i just do a lot of self-help and trying to be self-sufficient 😅 i mean, i channel my energy to write! wbu?
@@serenity_in_reverie Yess This is the best way of healing and detachment!!!…. Been putting my energy in my studies
"You cannot avoid getting hurt by somebody by hurting yourself and other people"
No! I turn myself into someone who leaves so fast they get confused. I'm good at leaving. I'm not good at turning myself inside out. I turn into someone who moved out while he is gone to work. I'm a leaver.
I endured many years of trauma, roughly 10 years in total, from the ages of 3 to 12. In those days I was a child but today I am a man of 67 who still struggles with the damage my parents caused. Fortunately I have progressed ... progressed significantly in just a few years. I may even take control of my head before I die.
Please don’t believe the he’s so shy excuse! If he is serious enough, he will ask you out afraid.
I thought a guy I was talking to was shy so he couldn’t ask me out. I tried everything to communicate that it was ok, I was gonna accept etc and then he ended up moving and finding a girlfriend in 2 months. He’s not too shy to ask you out. Don’t let him waste your time. If he’s truly shy, he better step up and rise to the occasion.
What’s horrible is that her CPTSD doesn’t have anything to do with what a horrible person Marco is and she had the misfortune of crossing paths and her desease allowed for tolerance where there should have been none.
29:00. I’ve watched this video 3 times and this really hits hard
I am dating a guy for 3 months now,we met on a dating app. we have been seeing each other once a week,going on dates.He sacrifices his time for me.He has ADHD but he respects my boundaries and we communicate so well even though he gets forgetful sometimes but he practises self awareness.I openly tell him what I need and he tries his best to fulfill it.Thank you for your videos because I have been doing the work and I am aware of most of the things I do now.I have learnt not to quickly get attached to someone.I now take my time knowing them and also asking them questions.He now knows that if he doesn't respect me.I am always ready to walk away
Abby is definitely on her way to healing. What a strong and wise woman. You're gonna be fine, Abby♥️
Your limerence vids have been like a CPTSD healing enema for me. Dang did i need these in order to find self love!
Please do more on limerence! I need so much help with this!
Even when I set the right boundaries-I feel the vine of limerence begin to wind around the other person. And when I have to make the break-and I do-it is painful (and it shouldn’t be because the time period was so short). I hate this feeling!
Wow is this good to listen to. I'm getting better at moving on when I realize it through actions, but it can still take some effort on my part. I always find I'm much happier once I cut them off and it usually takes less time than it used to to cut it off. The only thing I know I'm not going to do is use other people in that way; it's just not me, even though it seems to be the norm, now, treating people as disposable trash almost.
Drugs are meh, compared to how insanely hooked I get on limerence (the only way I fall in love). And I can't necessarily control when that happens.
I am going in the right direction watching Anna's videos as I continue to heal from events and trauma etc, I've personally choosen to be vegan, I am non drinker non smoker and single. Sometimes I think this limits my chances of getting the things I think I want. So I just focus on my healing until I understand everything 🌞
oh you are virtue signalling with " I am vegan" no one cares! You are putting your health at risk.
@@jenrich111 a drinker would say she is virtue signaling saying she doesn't drink. stop being judgmental for no reason and let her heal
Your videos have helped me realize what my values are at age 35. Thank you. Way to go Abby. Your self awareness is beautiful!
Online dating is so hard because you can’t really see the bad side of them
I try to avoid online relationships...
" ...someone has been using you to make their own life exciting..." - sadly that someone is my mother !
And after having been used and abused in all sorts of forms by her as a child and young adult , now that I don't tolerate this sort of thing any longer, I find that she is not interested at all in me !
- It ' s either serve her games or nothing - that is so sad 😢
The girl might be limerent and have issues, but at least she's aware of them. Old Marco has just as many issues, if not more, as he sounds like he's operating totally from ego and vanity. I 100% get that whole 'best have 2 irons in the fire in case one falls through, and to off-set the hurt of premature attachment and obsession'. It kind of works, but only in he same way a the military used to use the tactic of 'counter-worries' in times of trouble. Like in the the navy in WW2, if a ship was under threat from imminent attack and everyone was anxious, they'd put out a false rumour that there was a disease like cholera on the ship - to counter-balance and distract people from the main cause of stress. Works in a way, but not really!
I think she's done amazingly well for seeing through this guy and taking a step back towards her truth, independence and intimacy with herself.
So glad I have found these videos and those of Dr Ramani as this knowledge is not widely known. However I feel sad at having struggled for so long and not really understanding why inspire of having had therapy I was getting into unhealthy relationships and situations.
Sounds like Marco is a bit of a Chancer, however Abby you did well spotting the red flags and reaching out for support to Anna.
If I can't meet them face to face to size them up I don't bother. I used to trust my instincts but I found out most times I wasn't accurate. That's when I started looking inward and cut dating off for good. Surprisingly I know I made the right decision to not further the daunting painful process that got me no where fast. And I'm not running away. I embrace being alone now and being totally good with it. I didn't give up on love I just gave up trying so hard to find it.
The key for me in that letter knowing the experiences I have survived is this, if they aren't asking questions to get to know me, if its just about their needs and wants then I know its going nowhere. I know its simple. Someone truly interested is making the effort not excuses. I finally understood my patterns and I changed them.
Proud of you Abbie! It's tough... You will get past this ❤️
Abby you are not stupid , you are lovable , you are wise , 😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m feeling very used at the moment. Started dating this man in 2017, things was going ok until he had a stroke at the end of 2019.
I did what any girlfriend would do and stand by him, he moved in so I could help him recover. Within a few weeks he asked me to marry him. But them what they say shit hit the fan. Found out he been living with other women for all the time I’ve been seeing him and also he been see over 10 other woman .
But with my cptsd the longingly part want me to keep him, so I keep trying to make things work. But after 21 months of hell and one suicide attempt, he moved out but to the one he been living with before.
I was working my way though being abandoned again when I started to receive calls and text from the other women asking all types of questions about me and him. Then the thing know he was back living with me and he’s not ask to marry me, he’s told me Im going to marry you within the next 3 months.
Trying to
Pluck up the courage to getting out but it’s hard.
Now I don’t have feelings for anyone unless they earn them
I love watching you. You definitely explain everything so well. I'm 55 and I have healed in so many ways and at times,, my triggers show up lol. Least I know why.
My history.. I'm an only child.. my mom was an alcoholic and narcotic abuser.. dad died by suicide when I was 7. In therapy for a good part of my life on and off. But I do understand why I am the way I am and have learned many tools. My MO is abandon before I get abandon. In every relationship in my life time. Even my 22 yr marriage. I'm still working on me, 5 years divorced now and single. I have enjoyed learning more about me,I'm probably in the best mind space now. ❤
Good for you Abby, Thanks for your honesty 🌈
Some people online are weird and narcissists. They are just playing mind games.
Much respect to you Abby! Thanks for writing in and sharing your story, it has helped crystallise some of that yucky feeling you get when a guy is stringing you along and more interested in the sexting than getting to know you
Yay, Abby! May we all keep learning.
These videos are triggering but healing. Thank you for your videos and no bs, Anna!
This is exactly what just went through. Thank you 😊
I’m so happy I came across your video with this topic. I had no idea I was suffering so much with childhood trauma and limerence so many years. I used alcohol to cope.
I wish I would have found you earlier in my life. I definitely need to work on this and my CPTSD.
The more I deeper I dig the more I get overwhelmed as to how much healing I have to do.
I will keep chipping away though. Thank you so much for the work that you do ♥️
Absolutely love this video. Thank you Abby for helping us. I am sending you lots of love and light for your healing and moving forward. You are a powerful, amazing, strong, intelligent, and kind person. Thank you for existing!! 💜💜💜💜
I so resonated with Abby. After escaping a 10 year narcissistic relationship and a year of celibacy and working with a life coach I took a chance on a guy. We had sex 2nd date which was out of character for me but felt like I wasn't ready for anything serious but wanted to have sex after being celibate for such a long time. Shortly after I asked what the expectations were and he said none, no rules aside being sexually exclusive so to me I felt like I was in a situationship and I didn't like that. I cut if off initially bcuz I felt like I was chasing him . He triggered SO MANY hurt feelings in me and tried to invalidate my boundaries saying that they were really extreme. We only dated a month but the experience showed me that I was not as healed as I thought. I felt super confident before him and was left a complete mess after him with feelings of rejection and abandonment. I even bargained with trying to not get attached to people bcuz he said that attachment came from a scared place and not altruistic like what love should be. That love is meant to make you free while attachment came from control. Thanks you for talking on these topics . I'm learning more and relating more to you content than to the life coach who I felt preyed on the vulnerability of her clients coming out of severely abusive relationships.
Abby!! Good job!! You are doing a better job than I and I appreciate your example. A huge virtual hug!!
Wow. So succinctly and clearly explained. I wish I had heard all of this 35 years ago - it may have helped me from having to go through so much the hard way. Thank you for sharing all this amazing content with those of us in the CPTSD community for free- it’s truly a gift.
Having had a pretty horrid childhood myself, your videos are SO helpful for me and I also feel so much less alone knowing others have this problem to.
I feel much less confused, pathetic or ashamed know that I realize what’s been driving me to make the choices or mistakes I’ve made and I’m finally standing up for what I actually really want, and pushing away what I absolutely do not. I’m so very grateful that I found your channel. Woot! (Who knows, maybe I’ll find myself happily married at last someday)!. I definitely feel a lot more hopeful then I did before.
This was a wonderful video. It didn’t even feel 40 minutes long because of how interesting it was to hear.
This was not my situation, and yet it was my situation. These are so educational.
Your videos are outstanding! You're helping me identify when my cptsd hijacks my thinking, I self-abandon and crap fit.
Oh my word! How timely is this message....thank you ❤️
Yay, Abby!!!!! Thank you for sharing. It's relatable, and I gained helpful perspective.
This is so me... so thank you Abby for sharing your vulnerability. My feelings are validated and helping me to see the hard truths.