How longing keeps us from healthy relationships | Amanda McCracken | TEDxCU
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
- As a 40-year-old virgin, journalist Amanda McCracken realized she was addicted to longing for love. When she began investigating the neurological, psychological, and cultural forces that get us hooked on anticipation, she realized she wasn’t alone. In this inspiring and informative talk, Amanda uses her personal story and research to illustrate how longing can become self-sabotaging and how to change your patterns to realize your dreams, whether it’s a relationship or a trip to a foreign land.
Amanda McCracken is a journalist passionate about experiences that highlight the intersection of wellness, travel, and relationships. Her work has been published in The New York Times, Washington Post, Guardian, Vogue, National Geographic, Elle, NPR, Outside, ESPN, and Runner’s World. The BBC and Katie Couric have interviewed her about longing. For 15 years, McCracken worked as an instructor at CU’s International English Center. Originally from Cincinnati, Boulder has been home since 2003. When McCracken’s not writing, she’s caring for her daughter, running trails with her husband, or editing her podcast The Longing Lab. McCracken is also a certified massage therapist and triathlon coach. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
![State of Play | September 24, 2024 [ENGLISH]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/fVs0suPHAX8/mqdefault.jpg)
I need to watch this once a day everyday until it sinks in
Me toooo. Seriously.
Same.thoughts
reminding you to watch this again
@@carolrosa5314 thank you for the reminder to the OP. I watched again myself
literally!
Longing is another way to say "it's not the destination, it's the journey". I've been on a spiritual path for the past few years and have trained my brain to live more in gratitude than longing for what I don't have. The same way she said longing is like a muscle, gratitude is also like a muscle. You gradually begin to not crave the drama or the dopamine of pursuing something fleeting but can be centered and calm, cultivating and accessing that love within yourself.
Lovely summary
@@ekennahutchinson1636 I didn’t do this intentionally, but I’ve always been kind of content and happy in the moment, I do have dreams, and aspirations but that doesn’t stop me from being happy that I have money and Gas in my tank to go get a McFlurry. To eat good food, enjoy my company. I always like to look to the future while simultaneously enjoying my present.
I am thankful for the many kind and generous strangers whose names I would never know. It's possible to give and receive Unconditional Love from strangers. 🤷🏻 It is also said that it's the result of having Faith in God. 🙂
Thank you for this comment! 🎉
Thank you for sharing your thoughts- it’s beautifully expressed
Thank you. What a beautiful conclusion: learn to receive love, not to long for it
healthy love happens when we are not in a position of weakness - when we are not afraid of loss and when we are not waiting for someone to fill in a gap in us. Longing for the hero is an illusion , a mirage. it would be better if the person works on themselves and get rid of addictive attachement.
Patriarchy kept women in a state of social inferiority and dependence which is why so many of us are habituated to this state, and put up with so much.
I do agree with you about working on ourselves as I do on a daily basis.
Yes, first a person needs to be comfortable with themselves, and be able to freely speak up their mind.
I agree with most of what you said. I disagree, though, with "healthy live happens when...". It may happen.
But it's absolutely possible it does not happen regardless how much the person is in peace with themselves. You make it look like a guarantee: "do this, and then love will happen." This automatically says: "If it doesn't, it's because *you* didn't do xyz."
And, you know, that's not how that works.
"you allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change." 😮💨
Listening to that suddenly vacuumed me into everything I overdid in the name of receiving love in the past, now that I embody it, it's so clear
😢
Absolutely wonderful talk. So honest. I have been a crush junkie for years myself. I am 80 years old now and much stronger and wiser, but the habit remains in muted form. Despite that, I have been married to a wonderful man for 55 years, which seems like a miracle, though the poor guy had to weather those “affairs of the heart”. I even went to AA for relationship addiction, and it helped tremendously. Again: thank you so much for this absolutely excellent talk.
I feel bad for that man. Damn.
That's why we need to stop longing and be grateful in the present moment.
So true!
im learning to love without the yearning nor the expectations around it, it's so freeing
8:28 “Neuroscience says that our brain is actually wired to crave what we don’t have…that’s why studies show that our brains release more dopamine when we’re planning a vacation rather than actually taking it”
I think a lot of dopamine releases when recalling experiences like vacations taken in the past relative to the realities settled in, hence the longing and its effect as well.
In the words of Natalie Wynn ("Twilight"): "Nostalgia - the longing for lost time."
What kind of trips are people planning? My dopamine is defs a lot higher during the trip than planning it.
@@biancalopez5068 Same, lol
“What happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change.” -11:11
so profound 💯
The Rom-Coms we all watched in the 80’s & 90’s, were all about the chase and the main character was the only person who mattered. If you rewatch the romcoms again, look at the characters that surround the main characters. What do they all have in common? They all live through the lens of being the main character’s life coach. They do not have meaningful relationships and they all have one role to play, being the so called sibling or best friend that helps console the main character and to always support the main character, no matter how badly they are treated.
a revealing take; our beloved protagonist often quite a narcissist
Except When Harry Met Sally!
"the anxiety that I associated with love"....so true!
Very enlightening..needed to hear this. Explains why I scroll and 'collect' art tutorials just hoping... longing to be better Artist. BUT not doing the work. Light bulb moment thank you.
I do hope many others listen, take note and go forward away from LONGING .
Longing to be nurtured tbh. This video hit me more than my parents did💀
I needed this so very much. No person/place can make you whole it can only create bigger hole that could ever be filled. Trust providence.
Nothing wrong with saving the goodies for someone who respects them and respects himself.
Of course not, however there are plenty of respectful men, so that is not really an issue. There IS something wrong, however, with being overly selective, (thinking that anything less than perfect is "Settling"), and wasting the prime years of your life, and all the wonderful experiences that could have been enjoyed during them.
Read Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him!" She writes: "...study after study showed that we tend to dismiss people prematurely and for reasons that have nothing to do with whether we might fall in love with this person; and that those who are more open-minded and flexible not only have an easier time finding the right partner, but tend to be happier people in other realms of life, too."
@@dalexfilms Do you believe this is a sentiment relevant to and expressed by men, though? Or is this expectation to “settle” only placed on women? How many of these comments and the in-person audience members are women? A genuine question I wonder myself. It often seems like the baseline assumption is men go after and often get what they want, while women are taught that wanting for themselves is inherently bad.
@dalexfilms this is an absolutely perfectly executed and flawless response!
@@dalexfilms "wasting your prime years" is subjective because everyone's journey is different. There's nothing inherently wrong in being overly selective if that's what someone wants
@@Sheabuttertend Men tend to settle even if they're not truly in love with the woman they're with. It's for convenience hence its nothing concerning to them. Women however, they want to marry for THE love of their life, nothing less.
Really happy a woman is speaking up on this. Glad to hear someone being a thought leader regardless of culture, and standing on not wanting to give your body away. Because hook ups and FWB relationships are really backfiring on women it's ruining the potential for meaningful relationships....
wow such an interesting insight on longing! I'll have to think more about it, as longing has been such a bug part of my identity. And now I see how it can become an addictive neurological pattern. I long for love so much that I end up avoiding it, so I can feel a spike of dopamine again and again.
Wow. Me too 😢
Do you see a fitting typo in the comment? a bug part of personality. Yes it is a bug. Let’s fix it :)
@@anna-kay-dweight therapy is a great way for dealing with this bug ;)
Summed up my life scenario so far. And it came at the perfect time. I needed this reality check.
What a brilliant video. Believe that no person, place or thing will ever make you feel whole.
I really enjoyed this video about longing and its effects on our relationships. Amanda McCracken shared her personal experiences and talked about how society can make longing feel addictive and not so good for us.
She questioned whether longing is the answer to our unhappiness and reminded us to believe in our own worthiness of love. Her message about going with the flow of life and letting go of control for healthier relationships was powerful.
It's a great reminder to appreciate what we have and not always wish for more. Thanks for sharing this insightful perspective on longing and love! 💕🌟🤗
Wow I admire you for not giving into society expectations for women to give themselves physically without a proper relationship. You seem like someone of integrity and hope you give us more insights into how to keep to the right way in a world that encourages the opposite
There is a point where "Integrity" becomes neurotic avoidance; she points that out herself. There is nothing noble about that. Personal standards are fine and good, but excessively stringent requirements result in isolation, loneliness, and wasted years. That is maladaptive and harmful; it's good that she is teaching people to avoid such problems.
@@dalexfilms I agree with you 100% being neurotic for the sake of false idols only leads to misery. There is no reflection of integrity here, it's why she continues to compare it to an eating disorder. It's a shame this point went over heads
Amanda, I appreciate you sharing your story and your thoughts on longing. It's deeply interwoven into so much of our emotional development. Thanks for this amazing TEDx talk!
I think this is the best Ted talk I ever listened to !!!
Agreed. Best talk, period, EVER!
How beautiful! I hope that my future daughter marries a man who has been raised by a woman like her-- one who knows the beauty of waiting and being waited for, and knows how to say yes to imperfect, but healthy and good. I hope to be this kind of woman when I marry and raise my children, too.
I'm going through the same struggle. It's all about dopamin and addiction to love.
What a fantastically cool, calm and intelligent delivery of a topic that is very difficult to talk about. Can apply to almost everyone in some area of their life. Thank you!
So true!
that cross sectional chart, I teach that to dog owners(as a dog trainer), Avoidance is a pathway for dogs to be decreasinginly tolerant and more sensitive/reactive. To the point of creating mental walls where dogs appear fearful and may start to fight any attempt to create tolerance. Behavioural retraining is required to first become aware of avoidance by all parties, then block and or redirect the avoidant behaviour : interrupt , physically block/restrain from running away and relax into a calm position and or move directly into a different behavioural ritual. Food doesn't necessarily work to rewire the brain around anxiety. It sometimes becomes a crutch to cope and numb the anxiety. Knowing how to apply proper timing to food rewards is important. What we ideally want is exposure to the source of discomfort. To process the feelings of vulnerability, we have to feel close to it(not necessarily physically touching the source). It can be assisted through trying to redirect attention into some other action that at least requires your hands(physical movement) and enough complexity to distract the brain. This is generally true for dogs and their owners.
I think tjis is what Ive been doing for the past 7 years, I didnt even realise this
. Thankyou
What an honest, informative as well as inspiring knowledge to love. Chapeau. Thank you ❤
Learn to recieve love, and stop longing for it.
Learn to be in the present, where you are not locked up by your past, and not rushed by the anticipation of the future.
She's so lovely!
This came in time 🥺thank you Amanda 🤍
I am not alone. THANK YOU!!!
I really needed this, I’ve been needing this
this is a gem. Saving to watch it over an over again
Real Talk... Great speech !!! It's too bad that alot of relationships don't end like hers. Best wishes to her and her husband...
10:32 never ever would have thought this way!! Woah
I love this TED talk. A wonderful message that was delivered very well!
Loved this one! So authentic. Thank you, Amanda!
Awesome talk. Have not heard a Ted talk like this in a while.
Well done! An important topic that needs more attention is leaning to receive love. She went from being addicted to longing to learning to receive love. I love happy endings!❤
longing teaches us about being in the now with ourselves and another
I really loved this. Thank you Amanda!
👏 Daaaamn, this is what we all needed to hear❤ Thank you for cracking the code...
I've seen these patterns in my life. I've been working on this and it helps to let go, knowing this about myself. So much love to you, Amanda McCracken!!
what a beautiful message
Thank you for sharing this with us !
U can’t believe in relationships until u believe in breakups, take ur chances cautiously but take and be prepare for permeant breakup and parting and yes do stop longing hard but long innocently like a kid long for candies and yes increase self love and find other gender like seeds in your own, nurture it love it be whole first ( every man has woman inside him and vice versa) but still wish, wish quietly , universe listen quietest persistent wish first ❤
I've never watched a Ted video 3 times back to back... until now. Great talk and delivery MRS. McCracken 🧠
So true. What an eye opening ❤️
LOVE your talk about longingAmanda! Let’s hope it’ll go viral!
She is ON POINT! These are the same things I realized. 💪🏾❤
Wow - wonderful, insightful and beautiful talk, thank you ❤🙏❤️!
Strange … but youtube suggested this video at the most apt time ever. Great timing @youtube 😅
Brilliant and moving, Amanda!
about the fligths you nailed. I avoided travelling to an amazing place hoping for the rigth moment. tool me 17 years
Thank you for this video. I could relate to a lot that was said by the speaker...
and something simpler to understand this is if you watch instagram reels of couples being in love with a lot of things that make you feel you want one, then you are not ready to have one. Love itself is not the projection of what you perceive from others' points of view. It must come from your own stable inner self. Still really like these lines from the song "That's The Way It is" by Celine Dion: when you want it the most, there's no easy way out;... Love comes to those who believe it."
Wow! This talk made me cry.
Respect, thank you
Wow, my hair in my body are just standing straight up as I reflect at the end of the video.. I used to write these letters in the past in hopes that I could be connected to my Future well with love, kindness, compassion, and deeper understanding as to why I have to endure and experience these painful and sorrowful sufferings to learn and grow as a person.. I wrote it again in accordance to the ending lines as I understood it well and I have been reminded once more about life that we could never be in control but can only go with the flow like the strong waves of the ocean that is strong and chaotic yet peaceful and consistent..
By obsessively looking into the past and the future, I almost longed the chance for a healthy relationship and child out of my life. When we idolize a person or a place we’ve yet never seen, we create a bigger hole than anyone or any place could ever fill. We give it too much power. We cannot be attracted to a healthy and loving relationship until you stop longing for the perfect one. You accept that no person, place, or thing could ever make you whole as a person. You trust providence, and realize you are never in control. You learn to believe and trust that You are worthy of love and to receive love, and stop longing for it.
I'm happy I came across this video as someone who is actively engaging in building and creating a wonderful, healthy, and loving relationship with my girlfriend, my future wife, and my life partner whom I most purely, deeply, truly, and passionately love.
what a chance, congratulations :)
@@falanfilanyoutube Thank you so much, I really appreciate your congratulations!!~ I will pass your congratulations to Her!! ^^ We will meet first time in person this 4th of August to celebrate our birthday together~~ (:
In light with your thanks and for watching the video, I hope you are doing well and I wish you all the best!! ^^
Awesome and important message. 👌🏻
This was amazing
"I trusted him before I loved him". Boom.
How tragic is it
that we are terrified to be noticed,
but dying to be seen?
REMEMBER:
Just because someone gets angry/hurt/upset/disappointed/whatever
when you say 'no'...
Doesn't mean you should've said 'yes'!
It means they have to learn
how to deal with 'no',
they have to learn
to self-regulate.
You're saying no, IS YOUR ABSOLUTE RIGHT,
and in fact, it's your obligation to yourself!
*** 10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD:
1. fawn response
2. you start lying from very young to become socially included
3. story of yourself that is not actually true (you crafted it to adapt to environment)
4. lying to avoid loss
5. lying to secure resources/safety
6. lying due to shame
7. you find yourself in scenarios (due to past traumas) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies
8. you lie after experiencing an emotional flashback
9. you lie because you don't want to have to caretake the other person's feelings
10. you lie because it feels nice to pretend to be (and therefore to feel)
somewhat normal, sometimes
*** 4 things people with severe trauma do, without thinking:
1. Obsessing/ruminating
2, Assuming our feelings are wrong
3, Attaching to others in unhealthy ways
4. Viewing ourselves as others see us (without them knowing our back-story!)
*** YES, You Can Heal Childhood PTSD -- These Actions HELP:
1. Learn to emotionally regulate
2. Save your social/romantic energy ONLY for people who are available and who reciprocate
3. Get really good at ending relationships that aren't healthy/reciprocal
4. Choose friends who are working on themselves and are doing things you admire
5. Find activities/hobbies that bring you HEALTHY growth/evolution
6. ALWAYS ASK: How do I feel after I hang out with this person? Inspired/energized?
Or drained and bad about myself?
ANYWAYS,
This will seem random, but...
I need help
I need unbiased advice
please, if you're reading this, and you feel called to respond to this comment,
I'm open to hearing from anyone who has something to share...
I have been plagued with an awful dilemma
I have been ruminating and obsessing over this for over 8 months now
I had a therapist
an AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL therapist
the absolute worst of the worst
instead of helping me and healing me
he damaged me and traumatized me
but I was too traumatized to do anything about it, at the time
I basically saw him for all of 2023
then I KNEW I could NEVER see him again
HE'S AWFUL
but...
he's also somehow wildly successful
and I can file a formal complaint
but if I do this
I must do it soon
the filing seems like a long and arduous process
and in the end, it's his word against mine...
I also don't know if I reap any particular benefits?
except he may get somewhat reprimanded
and I may get to speak up and use my voice
I don't know what to do
I must make a decision soon
thoughts, anyone?
This came in time 😢
Girl, didn’t it just.
Very useful one, thanks
Healthy relationship is the best of the best ❤❤Toxic relationship is the worst nightmare even it is with your sweetheart😅
Truth
This is VERY powerful. Thank you!
Wow. What an incredible talk!
Wow..this is the best advice ..What a gift!
Longing for silence with which to fill with music… An empty road to venture on 2 wheels… an empty machine shop to bring ideas to fruition… an empty river to kayak down…
To experience beauty and creativity without all the BS everyone else brings to this world…
this is such a great watch
This is a much more elegant way of saying what Lori Gottlieb said in the book Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough.
Great video. Thanks for sharing
The most lovely video i ever seen and the loveliest lady ever
I am extremely far from being an expert but i think dopamine is more associated with motivation than "happiness". I don't think longing makes us "happy". And I'm not sure the fact that planning something realises more dopamine than experiencing it prevents us from genuinely enjoying that thing. I could be wrong though, hopefully I'll get some constructive feedback 🙏
releases*
I agree with you. There is something that sounds untrue in her logic. Being addicted to longing...to pain...I understand... It's avoiding actual joy and trading it for avoidance because of the fear of living.@@claramercier7924
Very important talk, thank you, resonated a lot
Very good ❤
Tears. Thank you!
Yeah I think I needed to hear this for sure. I hope I can internalize this soon
I feel like I'm window shopping for my next life, my currency is my presence and I currently don't have enough of that- so ill come back another time maybe.
I really like how you worded your comment, "window shopping for my next life".
I feel that's what I'm doing almost all the time.
I keep telling myself, "I won't get all that I wanted in this life, maybe I will in the next..."
@@meh-hair-Vaughn I'm glad this resonates with you and that it finds you well. Remember anything is possible and that through kindness you will attract what best aligns with you. Good luck.🍀
Lovely!!! 💗👏💗
Incredible story!
Amazing! 👏👏👏
No person thing or place will make you whole.❤
did anyone else notice that moment when she almost cried mentioning her granma's death?
Great talk. 🙏🏻
Longing for the disappearance of fairytale romances tbh. Love exists, but it's hard work and has nothing to do with romance.
AMAZING!
Great talk
Love this
Reality for most people today
"I dated 100 men" she says and trauma flickers in her eyes for a second.
No romance is fairytale! But if both parties do not try in same pace to make it work it will fade! I think it is better to not love anyone if we can! If you can live your life with No strings attached attitude you are already winner in your life! Trust me any attachment does not worth. You will be manipulated!
dopamine is not a happy hormone. it's a catecholamine. excitement and happiness are very different things.
Absolutely wow effect on me
3:53 🎉
Very interesting.. Needs more consideration in a society with serious dopamine issues.
thank you for this!
I feel you.
best wedding pics i've ever seen