I just burnt all my Twin Flame drawings and bullshit of 10yrs!!... iv stopped myself thinking about him today only once!!! I say to myself "healthy detachment" lol Thankyou Crappy Child... im still working on it, but its getting a little easier.
im dealing with it right now and its completely unwanted because im in a good solid relationship but my adhd and ptsd is just making my life hell. pray for me :sob:
@@djhrecordhound4391 Of course it does. And I'm sure no one here wants to minimize that. I think the reference was made about a girl because the writer of the letter was female.
We've all been there, unfortunately. A mantra I always remember in scenarios like this is "if he wanted to he will". Some men (and women) are masters at continuously stirring romantic desires even though they have no intention of ever pursuing you. Some just enjoy the energy they get from a woman who has a crush on them. If he's doing all the sweet things but still has never asked you out, it's because he doesn't want to.
Yes! I had to work my butt off to evaluate and release this feeling as well! I feel the same way the person that written the letter felt, but nothing happened. I told myself in the midst of it, "I'm being baited to be a side chick, aren't I?". Who knows, but this was a familiar pattern. I haven't spoken to him in a year, completely blocked him off and told myself that 'I deserve more than to be confused in love. If I wanted to be with someone, I would. So, If they wanted to be with me, they would make it happen.'
So true! And sometimes it’s about the validation of knowing this other person finds you physically attractive. Nothing has to happen, but if the interaction and energy continues on, it will be harder to get out of (mentally). It can become quite addictive
This! Outside the office a guy would have to go to too much trouble to maintain his attention tap, but when you're stuck with them for 40 hours a week in a boring space... your boundaries never stood a chance.
"Why continue to be attracted and hold a torch for him?" "Because you haven't yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn't with you" Ouch. Very true. It is a way that I escape emptiness and invent something to look forward to. I have a crush on someone for the first time that may actually be healthy, but I don't fully trust my judgment. I stay distant to save myself another tragedy, and to save him the trouble of dealing with someone like me.
So well said. Masterfully said actually. So much of what you said there, hits the nail right on. I have an extremely hard time talking to my LO for fear she doesn't need my drama.
I have a friend who has this for a catfish on social media, who has used his emotions to have him believe she is Jennifer Aniston. I send him things to listen to, but it isn't opening his sense of this is not real. I pray he heals..
Just ended being a side "friend". It feels good. I feel like I just told the universe "Don't bother sending that sort of stuff my way anymore. I'm looking for quality." Thanks, Anna.
@Sammi - If you're referring to Anna's advice regarding relationship / dating advice, I'd recommend checking out the Dating quiz and the FREE Daily Practice Course in Anna's Free tools -crappychildhoodfairy.com/free-tools/ While the Daily Practice isn't related to dating specifically, the tools taught will help you stay regulated, which in turn, will help with dating and relationships. Anna also has two relationship courses, which you can learn about here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Of course, there are also other free videos on YT that you can check out. Hope that helps! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Awesome, I understand. I been a side too. Nothing feels as good as letting go! I hope you heal and meet the love of your life whom loves and adores you and vice versa.
therapists have too many guidelines and rules to follow... they really have to be careful not triggering people and making them worse or they can lose their licence. life coaches can be more straight to the point
"I feel broken, like I'm not supposed to exist in this world". My heart goes out to 'Maria'. I'm sure so many people here have felt that, and it's such a dark place to be.
So true. Happened to me after I spent over a year limmering over someone. I shut out my family and friends and lived in fantasy. Now, in retrospect the reason for it is so much clearer
“Because you haven’t yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn’t with you” 🤯 I’m so grateful to come across this video and realize I have limerence for someone I work with too. I watched him say the same compliment to another employee and realized my special feeling wasn’t real. He treats everyone with loving eyes and kindness. Ugh, I feel ridiculous heartbreak 😂
I identify with ridiculous heartbreak to the max. I too have a work crush who acknowledges others, yet goes out of her way to reject me. Because she knows I'm into her. And I wonder all the time, why she gives me killer eye contact and then never follows thru. Girls can be so weird.
I think most of us are with you. I am 40 and spent my 20s and 30s in limerence... if I were someone who was not me but loved me like a benevolent person, I would cry for me a bit.
DO NOT get involved in a "start up" unless you have some kind of financial stake in it. Nine times out of ten, you'll be exploited by the expectation you work as if you're a founder.
Ten times during this letter I was like: when did I write this? I don't remember writing it but this is 💯me. Since I've learned the word limerence my life simply makes sense. I'm not above it, I'm not cured, I just can see it like "oh, here we go again" and I just let it pass by like a huge wave, not fighting it, not judging myself or the other person, not analysing or going deep about it. Just good rest, good food, good friends and it's getting easier and easier to ground myself again. In the past I would've spent months longing and obsessing about a romantic interest, now it's a couple of hours from time to time. The content on this channel is pure gold. Thank you Anna!
I have the T-shirt too, my friends and I call it love eyes! Grateful for the story sharing and Anna’s feedback, who knew it was a thing, this fact alone has healing power. I personally think there’s nothing wrong with the fantasy, as long as we know it’s just that and don’t act upon it😉😍
@@MsSocialC A fantasy is just like a glass of wine, perfectly fine for some people, an absolute disaster for an alcoholic. I know there are some who can afford playing around in grey areas, but I'm sticking to what is clearly being said and done from day one. He asked me out on a date for a coffe in plain daylight in a public place or nothing is going on. I no longer read in gestures, metaphors or slight implications, even though I know that could be perfectly fine for someone else :)
As Anna has said in previous videos, if asking an uncomfortable or clarifying question will ruin the fantasy relationship, there was something wrong with it to begin with. “Are you in a relationship?” “are you married?” “Do you have a romantic interest in me?” Be brave and ask.
I had someone close to me tell me this to ask a guy at work who I thought might be interested but may have been leading me on. And I am terrify of rejection, so sad to say I rather entertain it. But now I see I must be honest with myself and him. And that is scary.
There is probably something very wrong with it. But right now, taking the fantasy away seems like it would be the most inhumane thing. Guess it would be different if I had other options but I literally do not!! Everything sounds easy and I will promise myself, talk to myself, coach myself and pray to my Almighty God, to ask the big question. Get it the hell out of the way. And yet I will see my LO walking toward me, she looks down at her phone or in a direction away from me (because she knows I'm into her) and I clam-up and do nothing. Simply because I don't want my fantasy ruined with her words. God save me from this hell.
I am a self confessed 'woo woo' person but I have to say I feel parts of the ' twin flame' community exploit ppls traumas and need for external validation/love perpetuating this 'great love is happening' despite no real world movement to a worrying degree.
Agreed. i heard a story where someone waiting for YEARS for "union" in spite of the fact that the guy didn't show any interest in her. i myself also experienced "false tf" in a suit called limerence. i have bpd traits and he has narcissistic tendencies. it was a rude awakening for me that i tried to deny. though i had collected enough "evidence" (his sado on my moon, his mars square my moon) but i was clinging to how "amazing" it was when we first met. we finished each other sentence, we have same soul number, same personality number, even same destiny number. this magical woo woo thinking had trapped me from seeing reality. then my intuition/inner guidance told me to check the transit when we met, turned out it was when Jupiter square Neptune 🤣🤣🤣. the square energy is sooo crazy!! but it was just temptation. and its usually made "amazing" to lure us. then i also found the term neptunian, plutonian relationship, which is similar to tf dynamic. its crazy how the longer i tried to stay for this guy, the more my inner guidance showed me something else to open my eyes. final sign, i saw a video on my recommendation about false tf!! it talked about feeling safe around tf which i never had! i had a sense of danger with this guy but since i read an article how meeting tf can be scary, my mind seemed paralyzed to run. i checked our synastry and we have south node aspect with moon, he was probably my mom or i was his mom lol. after this cruel experience, now im more aware of how energy works and prevent myself from falling into limerence trap.
I totally agree! To tell people that abusive treatment is part of the process until you ‘come back together’. A true soul partner (romantic or otherwise) treats you with love and respect - no ‘waiting’ for someone to heal.
@@katiegarber Absolutely! As the dynamic also can then falls into the realms and toolbag of the narcissistic or abuser! Keeping the fog of illusion permanently rolling in and turning abuse into a 'necessary love higher purpose' dynamic! Very insidious.
She’s not crazy. Most narcs will do this to get that attention from you. They know you like them a lot and their ego feeds from it. It’s a game to make you look crazy because of course they have a girlfriend or wife. You feel drained but they are glowing from the energy you are giving them. Never ever play games with people like these. They are sick.
It's so easy and convenient to just call the other person a 'narc'. Takes the responsibility off of the unhealthy person who is projecting things onto someone that is unavailable, which really aren't there. Who is really 'sick' and in need of healing?
@@silvershadow7655 that depends on the person, because ask yourself why are you attracted to them if they weren’t meant for you and you weren’t supposed to be attracted to them. It happens for a ‘reason’
There are psychopaths out there that love vulnerable people who are prone to being limmerent and love gaslighting them. This shouldn't be over looked because when people are being victimized then tend to self- blame or are made to feel like they're crazy. With this letter you really can't tell but its possible. Narcissistic people are everywhere.
Yes, his flirtations were ambivalent and somehow the writer wanted that ambivalence to be enough for a relationship. But it's not, for her - or any of us.
I want to thank Maria for being brave and sharing her story. As someone else mentioned, and after coming out of a terrible bout of limerence myself recently, I know too well the shame that comes when you start to emerge from the fog and realize how far gone you were. I’m grateful to have gained so much more perspective and control over my own healing, but do struggle with the grief of how much of my life was lost to this kind of thing. Have heart, Maria. You’re in the right place. I have found Anna’s courses so very helpful, both on their own and as a support to help guide my work with a therapist around these issues. 💜
Lost 10 years of my life 😢 I no longer know who I am.. I used to be kind, loving, compassionate, yet now I am depressed, angry, raging and full of chronic illness 😭😭😭😭 xxx
I channel all my old limerence energy into writing romance novels. I have a rich history of thinking I was living out romance novels when it wasn't even remotely real. At least I am incredibly qualified for this profession, as real romance is nothing like what readers want to read about.
I feel like people try to make other people obsessed because they have obsession. Obsession is not love. It is not trust. It is not respect. It is not real.
@@silvershadow7655 you are right and wrong at the same time. People play games and there is a whole industry worth hundreds of millions centered around creating romantic obsession. If you don't think that is true then type 'how to make her obsessed with you' into the RUclips search bar.
@@vivianvennicia I know there are pick up artists and professional seducers out there - but if we just focus on this particular situation and the two people involved in this letter, the writer says on more than one occasion "he never said anything about having feelings for me" and he kept "everything above board" - so why are we wanting to pretend this guy "wanted an affair" with her and imagining he is a "narc" or PUA? He was her boss - he told her early on that he has a girlfriend - and she had limerant feelings about him. Fortunately she realized something is not quite adding up, hence her writing the letter. Let's read what's there and see it plainly without creating victims / villains needlessly. That behavior doesn't help people take responsibility for their lives and just creates more suffering.
@@silvershadow7655 I understand why you are saying what you are saying. However I am not making it a black and white issue. PUA is really a mirroring of female behaviors in the first place. Women do the exact same thing. If you read some of my other comments on thia video you will see more of where I am coming from. Everyone who engages in maladaptive behaviors is at fault.
It also explains when a guy feels good about himself by flirting and has no problem throwing an 'interest' under a bus for cash... We need men who have respect for women.
She may be recalling things inaccurately but i know what she means when she describes his covert advances. Its happened to me several times. They do that so that you know whats going on, but just in case other ppl notice or you talk to someone else about it they can gaslight you easily and make you feel crazy. Its such a low thing to do, messing with someones mind that way.
The analysis is so ingenious it makes me cry with grief and relief. Grieving all those years (in other people's lives as well) and feeling relieved bc there's an explanation and there are ways to tame this monster called limerence. Best thing I decided to do in 2022 is to educate (and heal) myself with Anna's channel and techniques. I've already learned a tremendous amount of stuff.
I so wish I could get there. But my fantasy LO gives me such an empty happiness, that genuine happiness doesn't even seem logical today. If that sounds weird, it's because it is. And yes I am weird. It's just the chaos this limerence thing does to the human mind. Wtf???
24:26 to anyone in limerence this is brutal to hear from your LO but to anyone recovered from limerence this is what you wish was said to you in the beginning. Once you have feelings for someone that doesn’t reciprocate it’s best to move on with life and not try to even hold a friendship with that person.
some men who have anything resembling power at workplaces will try to monopolize the women. maybe some would pay more attention to one of the prettier women for a while. the psychology is that many people in a relationship are also looking for a backup relationship, just in case, you know. it happens to christians too. i've heard a story where 'god' told a guy he could have 2 wives, or some drivel like that. i'm sure it was magical for all 3 of them. i think this is one instance where you are underestimating pig-like behavior of humans, which likely wouldn't even occur to you that any man would want to monopolize every single pretty girl in his vicinity. (i doubt her feelings were way stronger than his, and i can easily believe he made eyes at her)
Not to deny limerence, which I truly see there and I'm starting to acknowledge myself in my life too, but some even good men do really love to send flirting glances and admirations while asserting being in a relationship. I've experienced that. Especially when they see the girl is responsive. They may also get jealous if the girl shifts her attention to other men, even if they don't break up with their girlfriend. It's deeply immature behaviour but it exists. This adds confusion, and I do understand Maria. But still, that was fantasising and I truly support the idea that "only a traumatised person" is subject to getting used to crumbs of attention. Hugs sisters
YES! I found this video to be extremely gaslighting because I experienced gaslighting from my former limerent object. At moments, he would purposefully tell me that he was afraid of me, that our relationship is special or that he adored me while showing very obvious signs of affection only to later change his mind and tell me that it was all just in my head. It took me months to recover from this and I can only imagine what it's like to be gaslighted by a trusted psychologist just because "yes by definition limerence does this". I was lucky enough to have friends who also noticed that he showed me obvious signs of affection and it wasn't all in my head.
There's no contradiction there. Flirting (which means different things for everybody) is a meaningless feel good thing. It becomes unhealthy if you take it the wrong way, which is exactly what Maria did, which she used it to gaslight herself.
it's not impossible for men to be attracted to women they have no intention of ever having a relationship with--some women are simply attractive, and some men simply admire. i think the converse is also true of female to male attraction. i find that if you're on the receiving end of admiration from someone you know is in a relationship who would otherwise be interesting to you, always ask them about their partner. like, did your partner and you enjoy the weekend? or your trip? or vacation? ask how the partner is liking their job. or whatever. i find that doing this gives the person admiring you a safe place to be in their existing relationship, where they know you're not trying to horn in, and where they know that you're not reading anything into their attraction to you. and it gives you a much-needed reality check when you see their face light up when they talk about their partner. i find it a helpful way to banish limerence.
19:01 "Your feelings were so strong. It sounds to me like they just felt like they had to be mutual". Right ! Exactly ! I know that. My feelings are so special, so peculiar, so unique -- like the term "in love" would seem too simplistic and reductive to define such a feeling -- that my (false) intuition tells me they can only be reciprocal. Like there's some telepathy going on. But, no, I'm fooling myself : it's just limerence.
We all deserve more than being the 'work spouse' ! Being emotionally unavailable is a box that if ticked blows the rest of the good traits in a potential partner out of the water. When people show you who they are believe them, the first time. - Maya Angelou
Wow, what an incredibly wise and true quote! Thank you for sharing that. This is definitely going to put an end to my lifelong tendency of second-guessing myself all the time, when I know with my head and heart that I need to stay away/keep my distance from someone. I felt that way about my husband from the get-go, but because of a lot of horrific childhood abuse/trauma, I’d always find excuses for others when they behave badly towards me or just badly in general. Time and time again, I always turn out to be right about people’s character, but the abuse I suffered tells me that I should be nicer and more understanding with others, and that I’m the one needing to be tolerated by everyone else because I’m the bad guy and not worthy of love and respect. So I deliberately go against my own good and sound judgement to spare others of rejections and hard feelings. And all I’ve ever gotten in return as a result is a lifetime of pain, hurt, debilitating depression, and self-loathing.
I can really relate to this, it reminds me of the song ‘Wicked Game’ by Chris Isaac. I’ve had men do this to me a lot when they are married. I’ve come to the conclusion they have unmet needs or perhaps still want to feel like they’ve ‘got it’! It’s made me more careful of messing around with other people’s feelings as it makes you feel crap.
The guy definitely has a participation role in this example. Guys do this, and it breadcrumbs the limerence. It's very damaging to the (already damaged) woman. Especially when she finds out it's a charade of affection, as he has a real, beautiful life elsewhere, as she did here.
Agreed, I think he has a bigger role than Crappy Childhood Fairy sees. He probably does like the attention and is attracted and can tell she has a crush and subtly eggs it on to feed his ego. The worker should be able to see through his bs, but still men esp married men do this kind of thing and never get called out on it.
@@JoannCarolus Yup. I just came out of an experience like this, only we ended up in bed after his doing this to me for two years. He very purposefully fed my fantasy the entire time. Only when he finally got me into bed did he tell me he was married. Let me ask you, though, Frank, what is it that inspires a man to behave this way? Is it just a sex addiction? I'm stunned by how men are able to play this game with women for so long and without breaking chracter at all until they get what they want.
@@emobloomer I can't answer 100%, b/c I am a woman. I think it's different things, in different men - boredom, being stuck in unhealthy relationships that they can't ease out of, conquest-addiction, self-centeredness. Sex is just sex, for many men, and doesn't appear to hold the emotional charge that it holds for women (unless she cheats on him, then, suddenly....) When I asked my married guy why he did it, he said he just wanted to experiment with something his wife wasn't willing to do. That makes me an awesome sexual partner, nothing more. I'm very tired of men getting away with "NSA" sex. The "strings" they never want are the actual interpersonal connection, friendship and caring parts of the relationship. No continuity of having to give damn. Completely self-serving.
This is so interesting to me and makes so much sense now. In middle and high school I got a lot of attention from guys - if ever I liked someone he would often show interest in me in return. But for some reason I never actually wanted to date them, just the idea of us being together was enough for me. My crushes would do everything to win me over and I'd consistently deny them - only to go home starry eyed and fantasize about us being in the perfect relationship, lol. The fantasies were more important to me! I was very aware of this too and it drove me crazy. Despite my very intense desire for male attention and affection I couldn't actually let myself have it - in fact I'm still struggling with this 15 years later. The human mind is amazing.
I think it means you are emotionally avoidant. You kinda flirt but don’t ever commit. Men hang around for awhile when they think they still have a chance, but eventually they’ll give up and move on.
It sounded at one point that this letter-writer confronted her boss about his advances and tried to get an admittance out of him. But she didn't directly say that happened. That may have been why he let her go
i've had so much limerence in my life, alongside maladaptive daydreaming. Both those terms have been really helpful - sometimes if I feel like I just really want to daydream rather than be present, I do allow it but i'm able to acknowledge what is going on and have more control. Limerence wise i know i've kind of been doing it since atleast 8 yrs old. But in a weird way I feel i've managed to keep myself a little safe because low self-esteem has meant i've never thought any of those people would actually be interested in me. The most helpful thing to remember, after actually experiencing the following through getting into a relationship is: if someone wants to talk to you, they will. When they wanna see you, they do and ultimately they tell you they're into you! If you find yourself having to read into what they're saying or your sentence is something like 'they said - insert reason as to why a relationship wouldn't work - but THEN they said this which made me feel like -insert positive feeling-". You are probably reading too much into it. --- Thank you so much for these videos x
Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tonnov, this book is amazing. There has to be hope and rejection at play for Limerence to really take hold. It is incredibly painful, especially if you are in a push and pull relationship. This is the perfect recipe for years of unhappiness. I’m thankful I can name this and not feel insane.
Spent almost my entire life in this state. There is always someone it seems. I am married to someone who has shown me nothing but love and dedication, but my diagnoses (bpd) and the history of trauma makes me latch on like my life depends on it. It's horrible and I have to isolate sometimes so it doesn't happen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's very very important to learn how to live in reality. I'm getting better every day
I'm just coming out from a Limerence state of mind. The story is quite similar to Maria's story. Anyways, I've always been in a limerence state of mind: with friends, with work colleagues, with my boyfriends. Everytime I find out that the romance existed only in my head, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm so blind and so naive, even if I've experienced this so many times. I'm starting to think I've never experienced love; I don't know what love is, I only know limerence.
it is somewhat common i hear it a lot in music and in books and movies....i heard a song the other day which was all about how the guy felt about the girl wishing he could see her again and then at the end of the song he admitted they never even talked to each other
@@Christopher-p7g Hence the double lives... True, never feel ashamed of loving someone. There's nothing wrong with it, even if they are married or something. Yet don't let yourself used. Sometimes easier said than done though.
Yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable, however It sounds to me that he WAS also attracted to her. I don’t disagree that Maria was probably in limerance, but I do disagree that all the things she said about him adoring her etc were all in her head . To think we will never be attracted to another person just because we’re in a relationship is not realistic. I think we can tell when someone is also attracted to us- we can feel it and we subconsciously can read nonverbal cues. He didn’t make a move because he was trying to be loyal ; that doesn’t mean he wasn’t also attracted to her. This is also why he didn’t talk about the girlfriend. Yes yes yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable; but that does not mean that the cues she read were wrong. I think some people do like to play with this kind of energetic attraction. Being in a relationship doesn’t stop you from becoming attracted to someone else. (Of course being attracted doesn’t mean a person has to act on those feelings) Is that simply not Limerance ? Is limerance never mutual? Limerance is obviously different from attraction; Attraction does not necessarily equate with being out of touch with reality and cause loss of optimal daily functioning. Maybe that’s just not limerance?
I relate to this one a lot, and I still don’t have the answers. The guy I’ve been in limerence with actually did pursue me at first, we went on a date, slept together, then he kept up with me for months (though he traveled for work and was based 6 hours away from me), asked me if I wanted to rent the spot he had where I lived, helped me move in, slept with me again, would text me every day sending me jobs in the area, events in the area, or just making conversation. I got my wallet stolen one day and made an instagram story about it & he texted me checking in to see if I was okay. The living situation fell through because of pandemic related stuff & so he asked his friend if I could work/live where he was. I moved up there, and since day one he was avoiding & ignoring me. Instead of communicating like I should have I just suffered in silence and left a couple weeks later. He rushed out to ask why I was leaving, I didn’t say much, and then I blocked him on everything. It’s been two years and I just recently found out he’s had a girlfriend since I left, because I caved and checked his social media. It made me realize that one day I thought I overheard his friend ask him how it was going with someone, but I brushed it off cause I was like “there’s no way, I see him every day, he’s not with anyone”. But even before that, it was clear that he didn’t want me, whether it was because of someone else or not. I racked my brain as to why someone would behave that way towards me but not want to be in a relationship with me. What helped me sleep at night was assuming he was scared to be with me, or wanted to but wouldn’t because I was 10 years younger & his friend told me he’d hook up with someone that much younger but would be embarrassed to date them. Those things, in theory, helped me feel better about my rejection but not really. It just kept me on the hook. In the end none of it matters. If someone really wants to be with you, they will. Nothing else will matter. And some people just do that. They play with your head and they string you along and who knows why? But they don’t want you. And it effing sucks when you completely adore them.
I've heard this story so many times unfortunately, but I'm so sorry it happened to you. If it makes you feel any better, from my own experience, you will be much better at identifying these men in future. Also, Anna's recurring advice of 'don't sleep with them for 3(?) months' would have been massively helpful in that situation, just something to think about :)
Why do guys do this sick, half-a-relationship thing? It's very real, very confusing, very damaging. I've just suffered two in a row, similar. I'm so tired.
@@JoannCaroluslet's go by her story. She's a much younger, attractive woman he pursued for sex. Now that'd be clear enough if it weren't for his daddy manager actions of finding her an apartment and jobs which gave the impression of care. But it's a power move/trip cause he feels dominant while "helping a damsel". It feeds his ego. He thought he could do what he pleases cause she'd be grateful for his help and due to their age gap still naive enough to go along. Why do the the half thing? All the benefits (sex, power trip) no commitment. You see that he choke when she finaly did move to his city. He also got away lightly cause she just blocked him and left with no confrontation.
I was just in a limerent state with a neighbor for about 6 months. Thankfully I kind of had a clue that it was. It was still strong and powerful and felt "real".I really do understand how powerful limerence can get. Why did it happen? Well, I'm a live-in caretaker for an elderly father and brother with special needs, have been for the last 3 and half years. It's been hard, I don't have much time for myself at all.....and unfortunately there were a lot of big life changes during this period......the pandemic, 3 friends moving away, my daughter moved 2 hours away. So I've understandably been very lonely. I was also traumatized by all the sudden changes in my life. The new neighbor talked to me quite a few times and we shared some quite intimate details about our lives. I took this and ran with it and started to develop a big crush....and then.....it turned into limerence. He had flirted with me a lot but other than that showed very little romantic interest and NEVER asked me out or anything like that. I'm just glad I had a sense of what I was doing and why during this six months. But it was almost like I couldn't control the strong feelings I had for him. I'm thankful that I gradually came out of it when I really took a good hard look at how I felt versus what was actually happening with him (nothing!) and WHY I fell into limerence. I'm so grateful for videos like these because I also realized a lot of my feelings were probably coming from just pure physical desire more than anything else. (It's been a looooong time). Thanks again for an informational and also very empathetic video. I'll definitely recognize this a lot sooner if it ever happens again, and nip it in the bud.
Always start off by asking if this person you're attracted to is really available. Saves a LOT of time. I have run into this kind of situation at work and school, and just cutting it off at the get-go spares you the agony. It is possible to establish strict boundaries, stick to them, focus your attention elsewhere and just keep it moving.
I love the idea that romantic feelings can be self contained if there's no one to reciprocate them. I hadn't even thought of that! Emotions, especially strong ones, can be so leaky. I'd love to hear more about self containing romantic emotions.
Hey Anna, can you make a video on dealing with the shame and guilt after ending a limerence dynamic? I had to get EMDR therapy after and it helped but I still struggle with intrusive memories. I’m so embarrassed of things I said or did when I was in limerance with someone and I truly felt like they had feelings for me too. Now looking back from reality, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated about what that person thought in the moment and what they think of me now.
Hi Syd.. Ive had simmilar moments, stiil present but in lower intesity.. To my situation it helped working with CBT therapist, reading book Six pillars of self esteem and practicing worksheet from that book. Remember that we are all humans and that we make mistakes like everybody. And taking full responsibility for our actions, no matter what and in what circumstanses they have emerged. Taking ownership of every aspect of our life and all the versions of ourself. Thats good starting point to start fresh and educate ourselves that we dont end up in simmilar situations...
You are reading my mind . The things I said under limerance. Yikes. All we can do is go forward. I never understood this in my life. Looking back at patterns of behavior I thought I must surely be insane ? But knowledge is power. Onward and upward life is short. Good luck you can do this. We can do this
Yikes indeed! I send him such an embarrassing note after he ended things and my attachment wound flared up on top of the limerence. But somehow I can laugh about it because it was so ridiculous 😂
Give yourself compassion, try to laugh about it. You are perfect as you are, there is nothing wrong with you, it's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. You're already doing the work, it is a massive step. I do understand though, I also feel extremely ashamed and so scared to face this person again (cause we work together ugh).
I experienced hardcore limerence recently, but the problem is I’m married! Needless to say, the object of my limerence was not my wife. I’m still trying to sort out what that means for my relationship, and what steps I need to take to stop it from happening again. When I try and talk to therapists about it they are so laser focused on “save the marriage save the marriage” they don’t even take the time to hear me, and discuss my life in an open and unbiased manner. It’s invalidating, and feeds my feeling of being a bad guy for feeling this way. What’s worse is this is the third major crush I’ve had since being in this relationship. The question I need answered is this: since this keeps happening, might this point to a deep seated unmet need in my relationship, and do I need to end it? It’s making me depressed, giving me learned helplessness. We have a lot of toxic patterns. But I can’t get any therapist to examine that openly. They don’t even consider the possibility that the marriage may be unhealthy for me, and maybe I do need to end it, and maybe I do need support through that process. Instead I get to hear about positive sentiment override and get told to “just wait it out, things will get better” or “kids do better in homes where the parents decided not to get divorced” like I’m supposed to be a sacrificial lamb, staying unhappy in marriage for almost two decades “for the kids” And I’m sorry this is kind of a rant, big time tangent, just wanted to get that off my chest. There’s nobody in my life I can actually talk about this stuff with. My one friend that I see outside of work is very untreated adhd he just talks and talks and talks non stop I can’t get a word in edgewise, and my luck with therapists has been poor. Shout out to all my fellow limerents out there!
That's rough. I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Therapists are just people with tools, if they don't have what you need then you don't have to waste your time and money on them. Kids do best with parents who are at peace and able to handle life's demands. It teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in a bad marriage "for the kids". You want them to know they have control in their lives, that they don't have to stay in a situation that isn't good for them. It's very hard to know when to let go, when to cut your losses. Especially when you've devoted yourself to building this whole life that isn't what you thought. I'm in the middle of divorcing my husband of 11 years. I did everything to "save" the marriage and now? Now I realize I waited too long, I should have ended it when I first began questioning if the relationship was good for any of us. It never got better, only worse. That was years ago and I was right to question, it wasn't good. And hanging around waiting for him to "get it" only drug out our suffering. Trust yourself. If you are having doubts, they are coming from somewhere. If you are getting limerant over coworkers or whatever, that is a sign you are mentally running away. What are you running from? What do you think you're running towards? Good luck to you man, we're all here struggling with the same issues.
have you seen what's out there ? Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and looking for the least gross thing you can find. How about going to couples therapy? you really want to give up your family and marriage for a crush you happen to have??
@@y.peffle2802 lol, I’ve been separated over a year now, divorced 5 months. I did not leave her for my crush. I left her to be single. Every day I’m grateful that I did. That marriage nearly wrecked me. Obliterated my confidence and my sense of self. As for dating, I’m not worried about it. I’m my own biggest enemy in that regard. I’m attracted to toxic women, and don’t feel worthy of healthy ones. Clearly, I have more work on myself to do.
@@jenniferlu7649 lots of replies here. I left that marriage, over a year out now and not a day goes by I’m not grateful I did. Incidentally, I didn’t leave her for my crush. I left her to be alone. The self-discovery I’ve experienced since then has been mind blowing
I've had several limerence non-relationships and when they ended (because the guy ended them), I lost a lot of weight, which was actually pretty cool! Now that I'm on the other side of relationship hell, I believe I was often obsessed with unavailable men because *I* wasn't available. I wanted sex and physical affection, but real relationship? I was clueless.
@Melissa As a guy, it was opposite but with same results as you. I just didn't know any better, and desperately wanted intimacy in a relationship. Being oblivious to flirting across a room didn't help either... The only women I saw as "available" were narcissistic/spoiled/abusive ones (like Jackie on That 70s Show) who'd "hit me over the head with a hammer" (directly/seductively approach me) to notice them. My limerance would instantly take over, and eventually I'd wonder 'what I did wrong' when she moved on (or I found out I was 3rd in her line, or I was her last 'fling' before marriage, or I was her 'dirty secret', smeared me, whatever...) Now at 6 years single, I've been able to focus on my own healing and learn my boundaries. I'm FINALLY able to enjoy being single, and because of my healing, I can quickly see when I may be "falling in limerance" instead of "falling in love". Sorry if this was long. I wanted to pass on hope that you don't need to be scared of intimacy. I learned it's ok to replace my "fear" with a "very aware caution" of going near it. At least it's saved me lots of unnecessary heartaches since therapy started. I wanted you to know it takes a long time, though it can be done.
If all you saw growing up was bad stuff around getting together, why would you go towards it? You wouldn't. Add to that violence, verbal battering, manipulation - why would anyone go near that? You were not clueless. You were frightened away instead of towards relationships.
Can you speak about the shame of people "having to" cut us from their life/job because of the limerence in a "cold" way (to not hurt our feelings) after making them very uncomfortable?
I actually feel like I can relate to all of this, I have a major issue with self sabotage. Every time I get somewhere I eventually become discontent. Then I lose everything.. I fear that I'll never become what I always wanted to be.
Please everyone don't confuse someone being kind or polite towards you as someone being interested in you romantically. I completely understand the letter but be realistic and don't humiliate yourselves. It's very painful when someone takes advantage and lies to you because they can sense that you are attracted to them. Dated a coworker in 2012 after he pursed me for a long time(4 years)don't understand if I was only a challenge. But after 14 months I found out he was dating someone else. It felt humiliating and when I tried asking him why he did that to me he literally turned his back to me. I was heart broken and one of his friends went around saying i was delusional that i was never intimate with her friend. Seriously, he would constantly come to my house and had even met my brother! It's sad that this left me so hurt that it took many years to wanna date; experienced more disappointment and I kept waisting years waiting years in between to regain a desire for physical contant with anyone. Now I'm 49 and i feel old and stupid for feeling sexual desire for another or any man. Men my age more than likely have someone and I'm starting to wanna lower my standards and just be a side piece, I'm starting to feel lonely and what to be caressed by the man I'm attracted to if only as an affair. The desire and the fact that i do have some life expectancy issues(nothing contagious of course/I'm not selfish!) just makes me wanna not care if he's involved, I can't devote myself completely to anymore because I've never been a priority for anyone not even my ex-husband who had left me in 2000 at the age of 28; turns out he had only married me to get citizenship. After six years together once he thought it was guaranteed he admitted everything left me with 2 small children to raise alone and I have no family. To top everything off when he left he rubbed it in my face that i was never his type and that he had kids with me because he just wanted to see if he could get me pregnant because all the other women he was with prior never got pregnant. I guess this is my confession as to why maybe for me a fantasy would probably be better at this point, remembering so much hurt sucks. But at least here no one has to see my face and it's not so humiliating to share all this.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. None of it is your fault. And loneliness can drive us to do many things and skin hunger is real. Someone else here said their tonic is good rest, good food and good friends. I have found that the last bit is the most important - it takes a while to find friends who love you, but you have to keep charging through to find the ones that stick. Relationships come and go, so we must find friends who stick. Or perhaps a pet. I know neither of those things really replace intimacy, but it leaves us less vulnerable to vultures. I hope your pain eases.
This has happened to me. It took me a long time to get over my Limerance. I think Alex was attracted to Maria but not in a romantic way. He was probably being casually flirtatious. Hoping to just boost each other’s egos while at work, nothing more.
This fits SO MUCH of a past relationship I had my 'fantasy' person I met on Instagram. I wish I had known what limerence was back when I had encountered him. You say somethings that hurt to hear, but lead to so much clarity! Your channel is helping me heal and to never fall for an unavailable partner again.
After decades of therapy and much involvement in 12-step programs, I am receiving a surprising benefit from viewing the videos here by the Crappy Childood Fairy. The dissection and analysis of other people's experiences with limerence has cut through my denial and given me a new perspective. I'm very grateful for the clarity, patience, compassion, and direct honesty we receive from your interpretation of the letters from brave and sad women. Thank you!
This is incredibly relatable, except my limerences never seem to be romantic for example my most common ones are on teachers and usually older people, I definitely think it's because they represent safe parental figures in contrast with the childhood abuse and neglect I've been through yay c'mon cptsd
Be careful because immature old men know this and some might get close to you and try something. They don’t act creepy and they call You mature for your age. You feel like wow it’s a unique story… but it’s not. You don’t want to date someone that would despise you 20 years later for being old. They are super immature in a mature package. Seriously queen, beware.
@@lu-themadpillow2985 yesss thank you I know I've already encountered weirdos like that with the exact same speech going 'you're mature for your age' and all 😭 happened to me when I was like 13 but I quickly stopped talking to them and I won't fall for this again
@@laurene111 I'm so glad. It happened to me too and ruined like 8 years of my twenties. It was horrible. Like an addiction, and all for this wannabe cool old fart.
@@lu-themadpillow2985 ugh I'm so sorry for you you surely did not deserve that, I hope you're healed now I wish you all the very best!! you seem to be a really precious person
Limerence is so dangerous ive had friendships end bc of it as well as been the one fantasizing others its like a spell where distancing myself felt like my only resort this video really spoke to me as cliche as it sounds
I'm so glad you are talking about this. I've never heard anyone else talk about this. I have done this limerance stuff when I was addicted to methamphetamine. I got a restraining order. I got multiple criminal trespasses and I ruined my life. Thankfully I am sober now but this type of thinking still comes up and I literally have to "play" a logical person in my head to get myself out of this thinking. I am a trauma survivor. I know this is probably mostly a female thing but gay men also suffer. Thank you for your videos!!!
Ambiguity. OH yeah. For me - lonely, isolated, bereaved - a married man's off-the-cuff, sexually-charged comments turned me upside down. And I KNOW he fed off it. I still resent him for it, even while he did a 180 soon after, and was generous with his free time in order to help me. THAT I believe was his conscience acting.
I find this lady to have very good discernment and judgement. Wow. It's not easy to unpack the riddle of our lives with imperfect or in some cases abusive parents. I like how practical and to the point she unwinds complex relationships. Nice job! The best therapy is God Therapy. Be grateful and see the abundance of blessings around you.
I’m experiencing this with an online parasocial relationship, it really sucks. It’s hard enough being infatuated with someone unavailable, but it’s even worse when they don’t even know you exist. I’ve also found it to work as a coping mechanism for severe loneliness. As much as I want to let it go and move on, I feel like it’s all I have to cling to right now as there is nobody in my life and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. I spend a lot of my time in my head fantasizing and projecting my ideal partner onto this person. I’m kind of lost on what to do, should I just force myself to give this up and suffer without it? Or keep it up until I’m in a healthy place to let it go naturally? I don’t really have anything else. Being a lonely guy is so painful. Life is so distressing and this is the only thing that brings me happiness, even though it isn’t real. Doesn’t help that I’m stuck in an emotional flashback right now and it’s kind of keeping me afloat at the moment.
@@StephieGsrEvolution I don’t know, I’ve had this coping mechanism for a very very long time and I feel like I still need it. There is nobody in my life right now and I’m still living in the place where all my trauma occurred. I don’t really feel safe enough to let go of it yet, so I’m hoping when I move out and go no contact it will just go away.
@@kellyflanagan9242 ok, yes, I understand. That's why I said "if you can" and this is too much a coping mechanism for you now. I can relate. But I will tell you. It may not go away naturally. I am happily married and still have residual issues with non-romantic limerance. I think this stuff happens more than people talk about. The most important thing is not to let it go past fantasy and go into stalking mode. Have a boundary for yourself and stick to it. Hopefully, this will be talked about more on this channel.
I'm not sure having a crush or fantasizing about someone is inherently bad, but IMHO you absolutely have to keep reality front and center - keep spending time with real people. If it starts to take over your life, or if you start to believe they have feelings for you even though they haven't said so, or have ghosted you, well, that's the reality check time. BTDT.
As a guy who does this as well. Luckily the first time I acted on this I was so politely shutdown. He's still a very good friend and we talk often. I don't feel the same way anymore but I still sometimes daydream about a reality that we could've worked out.
I also can relate to it in the way that sometimes I just really like certain people and I don’t know why, it’s just their energy but it’s in a friendly way and not a romantic way. If someone really liked me I could see how they would interpret me as liking them, because it’s also in my nature to be very attentive and more friendly than most. Some of us are just more like that than others and I’ve realized through my Limerence that all you can do is ask the person if they like you or see that they have not made a move and find closure for yourself.
This video is very helpful in the amount of information. I was limerant to someone a few months ago. Things were bad. I was living with my mom, I didn't have a great job, I felt so depressed. I felt like I wanted this guy. I also didn't feel worthy of him. I saw him a few days ago and he seemed upset at me. I'm not really sure about anything with him But I refuse to let him take anymore of my time. I spent a lot of time pining away for him
I just started to get help and my therapist told me to watch your videos so I started and I did cry with every video I thought I'm alone and a weirdo I thought I'm not normal and the problem is me and I'm wrong to live so thank you. You are the reason why I keep trying to get better thank you to let me out of my stress and anxiety even for one minute it was worth it can't explain the way I feel
Your therapist told you to watch these videos?! That's cool to hear. Glad that Anna's videos are resonating with you. You are definitely not alone. We're sending you encouragement as you continue to heal. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes she told it would help understand what is cptsd now that I know what it is I felt that I need to share my story but how can I send it ?🙏🏻💕
@@lilysvg5798 Hi Lilly, happy you are healing! We do accept questions and sometimes I share those letters in videos but I'm afraid that when people share their stories, we can't always give them time and attention they deserve!
So many great things are said throughout this video. Someone to tell you the truth of the situation during limerence is crucial to moving on. Great video on this.
OMG!!!! I’m going through this right now. Let’s be honest, unavailable men can be attracted to other women. Marriage, even unhappy/unfulfilling ones, aren’t easily ended. I do realize that attraction doesn’t lead to happy ever after. I have removed myself from the situation; and am now fantasizing less. I do need to understand how this happened. Thanks for your guidance.
I'm so thankful this is being brought out in the open for people tp discuss . I wasted years in a limerant state - it seems to be the mind's way of putting a soothing hard shell around itself .
Thank you Anna, I needed this reminder again concerning limerence. I have noticed how my addiction to tarot card readings here on RUclips just makes it worse. Truly Limerence is a curse lol.. but you know what, there more aware and informed I am the better for me and everyone in and around me. So, thank you for being such a blessings to us all. 🙏🏽🖤
He may have had an adoring gaze. It's incorrect and gaslighting to say "No one says 'adoring gaze'." Obviously some people do, and to imply she would further isolates her. It's not true. He may have stoked these feelings in her.
Yes! Thank you! This video is incredibly gaslighting and I really hope that the woman who wrote this letter would find another therapist because this is brutal and can set you back mentally for months and even years.
I love these limerance videos. I had a limerance experience over a decade ago and after I cleared it out, it was such a weird thing to look back on. I'm glad to have a name for it, and to hear that other people with C-PTSD experience it. There is life after limerance, and reality, and actual love.
I am in this situation right now. Funny coz my name is Maria and that we are of different cultures as well. It’s a pity that on a conscious level, you educate yourself with the conflicting signs that he’s not romantically interested. It takes so much discipline to snap out of this situation. When you realise this, you feel that you are living in a parallel universe. You feel ashamed, embarrassed of yourself, angry, and your self-esteem shatters (if it’s not already shattered from the start that’s why you puff up each grain of sweetness). I really hope I get out of this. Easy for others to say that one should just walk away but the mind combined with your past experiences and relationships lead you to this pathetic tragedy. I know i’m smarter than this. And yeah, the fight is exhausting and all-consuming sometimes. That’s when I know it’s NOT healthy at all. Thank you for making this video and letting us know that there is a word for this mindset/experience. Falling for unavailable men is the worst because exerting energy is worth NOTHING to BOTH parties.
Sitting in SLAA meetings, listening to limerence stories...I never really understood it...how one could become obsessed w a person and never really have any physical interaction. Thanks for explaining this..it is sad, but a person can heal
I'm also experiencing the same thing. My life sucks and the only thing that gets me through the day is obsessive thinking and fantasizing. I have no idea how to stop this😢He is such a pleasant man, he made my day the first time I saw him. But I know we will never be together because I am not his type. His life is very interesting and accomplished (I stalked him on social media) The thing about me is that I know I would not make a very good girl friend/wife because I'm too broken and failing at my career..I'm living life in survival mode with my parents. In my childhood a lot of things happened, including death of a sibling. I've never been the same again. I've lost all ambition and interest in everything. I do not know how to get my spark back.
Thank you Anna. I think i've spent most of my 32 years of life in limerance cycles. Some lasting much longer than others. Mum used to get annoyed with me sometimes and say "You're not with reality!" but didn't know how to actually help me with that (if she realised that it was something that needed some help vs. a character flaw, not sure). Reality hurts a lot, unfortunately.
There’s a word for it? There’s a word for it! I was so afraid to watch this one, because the titles of your last few videos have had me just scared to watch. Some of the things I’ve tried to explain to a number of therapists over a LOT of years right here. And somebody actually “gets it”. Wow. My last bout with this, I knew something was wrong with the person, but when I asked, I was told everything was fine. And I was fine never seeing this person again, but still kind of stuck in that state. Then came the day that I learned this person died from cancer that they’d been fighting for years. Six years have passed since then, and I still feel such guilt for having placed so much of my attention on this person while not really knowing what was going on at all. I never want to be in that mental place again. I’m not the same person, and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel joy again. Even if it was false joy, it was something… As I saw in a different comment, yes this person represented a safe and calm presence. The opposite of what I experienced growing up. Ouch.
I think if you've been traumatized, there's a cruel side to your mind that seems to justify the lack of ethics you experience either towards you or around/involving you. I call it the inner "evil sugarbaby". Others might call it the jezebel princess. The "mistress who's got it all, the man, the car, the keys to the kingdom"... (I think media/soap operas glorify this trope as tragically aspirational) Never waste mental resources on taken men. Even if there's a sweet guy with a girlfriend and your inner evil-sugarbaby tried to get you to think, "he loves you more than his girlfriend/wife , you're funnier, you're prettier, so you can steal him away from her." Nobody wants to admit these thoughts. But they are related to our ego, but not rational. The truth is maybe he doesn't love his girlfriend or wife, but that doesn't guarantee he will love you more!!! It might just mean he is a flirty coward who likes to be in control, but have no strings attached with women he has "fun" with..
Your videos on limerance are helping me understand & make peace with the way one of my close friendships ended. I think there were multiple things going on (a lot of them C-PTSD flavored, on both ends), but looking back it seems like the "beginning of the end" (or maybe the last straw) was a limerence she was feeling towards my partner. Although I'll probably always be a bit sad & frustrated over the way our friendship ended, I can understand better now why she felt that way, why she acted like everything was fine for so long when it wasn't, that it may have been too painful for her to remain friends with us, and it was probably in everyone's best interest to get some space. I hope the space allows her some peace & healing. Thank you for helping me understand. 💜
I just burnt all my Twin Flame drawings and bullshit of 10yrs!!... iv stopped myself thinking about him today only once!!! I say to myself "healthy detachment" lol Thankyou Crappy Child... im still working on it, but its getting a little easier.
Good for you! -TeamFairy
How you doing, 5 months later?
Not so good I guess
How are you doing now?
It seems like the "Twin Flame" stuff has kept people holding on to things they should have let go.
I didn't come up with this, but gentle reminder: if they're giving you mixed signals, the answer is "no".
Man...that was hard to read, but you are absolutely right.
Unless given clear signs I always assume no and walkway straightaway because I am aware of my tendency to limer
Thanks , i needed this very badly
Yes!!! So true!
Absolutely. Now just have to listen..
Limerence in the workplace is a terrifying experience.
Yes it consumes you and totally destroys your reality
Dont date coworkers 😂
im dealing with it right now and its completely unwanted because im in a good solid relationship but my adhd and ptsd is just making my life hell. pray for me :sob:
Or your neighborhood 😫😫😫😫 cos u see them often even after you start to detach 😥
@@trite1 pff I'm also going through this, it's hell!!! how are you doing? are you seeing this person everyday?
Only a traumatized girl would grow up to think that’s all she deserves [paraphrasing]. Thank you, I needed to hear this today.
You may not believe this, but it happens all the time to traumatized boys too.
@@djhrecordhound4391 Of course it does. And I'm sure no one here wants to minimize that. I think the reference was made about a girl because the writer of the letter was female.
Hit so hard still picking myself up off the ground.
We've all been there, unfortunately. A mantra I always remember in scenarios like this is "if he wanted to he will". Some men (and women) are masters at continuously stirring romantic desires even though they have no intention of ever pursuing you. Some just enjoy the energy they get from a woman who has a crush on them. If he's doing all the sweet things but still has never asked you out, it's because he doesn't want to.
Yes! I had to work my butt off to evaluate and release this feeling as well! I feel the same way the person that written the letter felt, but nothing happened.
I told myself in the midst of it, "I'm being baited to be a side chick, aren't I?". Who knows, but this was a familiar pattern. I haven't spoken to him in a year, completely blocked him off and told myself that 'I deserve more than to be confused in love. If I wanted to be with someone, I would. So, If they wanted to be with me, they would make it happen.'
This.
So true! And sometimes it’s about the validation of knowing this other person finds you physically attractive. Nothing has to happen, but if the interaction and energy continues on, it will be harder to get out of (mentally). It can become quite addictive
That's such a great mantra to have in your back pocket. Thanks for sharing. It's very true. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This! Outside the office a guy would have to go to too much trouble to maintain his attention tap, but when you're stuck with them for 40 hours a week in a boring space...
your boundaries never stood a chance.
"Why continue to be attracted and hold a torch for him?"
"Because you haven't yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn't with you"
Ouch. Very true.
It is a way that I escape emptiness and invent something to look forward to. I have a crush on someone for the first time that may actually be healthy, but I don't fully trust my judgment. I stay distant to save myself another tragedy, and to save him the trouble of dealing with someone like me.
That last sentence girl, felt it in my core.
"but I don't fully trust my judgment", yup that's me :(
Me inflicting myself on someone... Not a pretty sight.
Feeling the same. Solidarity.
So well said. Masterfully said actually. So much of what you said there, hits the nail right on. I have an extremely hard time talking to my LO for fear she doesn't need my drama.
"Limerance is a response to depression and disengagement from life" 34:14 oof that one hit me deeply
Same
Me too. 😢
Hits hard.
I have a friend who has this for a catfish on social media, who has used his emotions to have him believe she is Jennifer Aniston.
I send him things to listen to, but it isn't opening his sense of this is not real.
I pray he heals..
Just ended being a side "friend". It feels good. I feel like I just told the universe "Don't bother sending that sort of stuff my way anymore. I'm looking for quality." Thanks, Anna.
That's right! And you deserve quality too! Cheering for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@Sammi - If you're referring to Anna's advice regarding relationship / dating advice, I'd recommend checking out the Dating quiz and the FREE Daily Practice Course in Anna's Free tools -crappychildhoodfairy.com/free-tools/
While the Daily Practice isn't related to dating specifically, the tools taught will help you stay regulated, which in turn, will help with dating and relationships.
Anna also has two relationship courses, which you can learn about here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
Of course, there are also other free videos on YT that you can check out. Hope that helps! - Ashley, Team Fairy
That’s exactly what happens! You’re freeing yourself to attract people who are better aligned!
I just did too, same week as you! was hard but it was needed
Awesome, I understand. I been a side too. Nothing feels as good as letting go! I hope you heal and meet the love of your life whom loves and adores you and vice versa.
She’s healing me more than any paid therapist or therapy could 😢
So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I litterally just told my daughter this. Im so grateful. ❤
therapists have too many guidelines and rules to follow... they really have to be careful not triggering people and making them worse or they can lose their licence. life coaches can be more straight to the point
I agree. Same here ❤ so grateful!
Same here! I’m 52 and have a new life blooming before me!!! And it all started with my job last August!!! I’m so thankful 😊
“Oh Maria, someone was kind to you, and it meant so much to you.”
😢
"I feel broken, like I'm not supposed to exist in this world". My heart goes out to 'Maria'. I'm sure so many people here have felt that, and it's such a dark place to be.
ppllol Ło
P I’ll
Where I am today..
"When birthdays roll around...nothing/ nobody. When Christmas rolls around....nothing/ nobody". So sobering
So true. Happened to me after I spent over a year limmering over someone. I shut out my family and friends and lived in fantasy. Now, in retrospect the reason for it is so much clearer
“Because you haven’t yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn’t with you” 🤯
I’m so grateful to come across this video and realize I have limerence for someone I work with too. I watched him say the same compliment to another employee and realized my special feeling wasn’t real. He treats everyone with loving eyes and kindness. Ugh, I feel ridiculous heartbreak 😂
It’s kinda gross now that I’m set free from my x adulterer
I identify with ridiculous heartbreak to the max. I too have a work crush who acknowledges others, yet goes out of her way to reject me. Because she knows I'm into her. And I wonder all the time, why she gives me killer eye contact and then never follows thru. Girls can be so weird.
Too relatable😂It's so sad, I realized I wasn't so special too😅
I absolutely understand what you’re saying here. I’ve been there so many times
Every time I watch your videos I cry thinking about how much limerance has taken from my life. It really is a curse.
A severe curse. But correctable one situation at a time
I think most of us are with you. I am 40 and spent my 20s and 30s in limerence... if I were someone who was not me but loved me like a benevolent person, I would cry for me a bit.
DO NOT get involved in a "start up" unless you have some kind of financial stake in it. Nine times out of ten, you'll be exploited by the expectation you work as if you're a founder.
I love how kindly you cut through the BS and lies we tell ourselves.
Yeah she keeps it real
Com'on man 🤡
Ten times during this letter I was like: when did I write this? I don't remember writing it but this is 💯me. Since I've learned the word limerence my life simply makes sense. I'm not above it, I'm not cured, I just can see it like "oh, here we go again" and I just let it pass by like a huge wave, not fighting it, not judging myself or the other person, not analysing or going deep about it. Just good rest, good food, good friends and it's getting easier and easier to ground myself again. In the past I would've spent months longing and obsessing about a romantic interest, now it's a couple of hours from time to time. The content on this channel is pure gold. Thank you Anna!
Thanks, reading this just gave me a bit of hope 😊
I have the T-shirt too, my friends and I call it love eyes! Grateful for the story sharing and Anna’s feedback, who knew it was a thing, this fact alone has healing power. I personally think there’s nothing wrong with the fantasy, as long as we know it’s just that and don’t act upon it😉😍
@@MsSocialC A fantasy is just like a glass of wine, perfectly fine for some people, an absolute disaster for an alcoholic. I know there are some who can afford playing around in grey areas, but I'm sticking to what is clearly being said and done from day one. He asked me out on a date for a coffe in plain daylight in a public place or nothing is going on. I no longer read in gestures, metaphors or slight implications, even though I know that could be perfectly fine for someone else :)
@@detoate123 My comment on fantasy is based on a thought, movie, or book, not fantasy about an actual person or someone’s misinterpreted actions.
@@MsSocialC absolutely, I wouldn't miss on a good Sci Fi or fantasy for anything in the world, it's food for soul&thought ❤
As Anna has said in previous videos, if asking an uncomfortable or clarifying question will ruin the fantasy relationship, there was something wrong with it to begin with. “Are you in a relationship?” “are you married?” “Do you have a romantic interest in me?” Be brave and ask.
I had someone close to me tell me this to ask a guy at work who I thought might be interested but may have been leading me on. And I am terrify of rejection, so sad to say I rather entertain it. But now I see I must be honest with myself and him. And that is scary.
There is probably something very wrong with it. But right now, taking the fantasy away seems like it would be the most inhumane thing. Guess it would be different if I had other options but I literally do not!!
Everything sounds easy and I will promise myself, talk to myself, coach myself and pray to my Almighty God, to ask the big question. Get it the hell out of the way. And yet I will see my LO walking toward me, she looks down at her phone or in a direction away from me (because she knows I'm into her) and I clam-up and do nothing. Simply because I don't want my fantasy ruined with her words.
God save me from this hell.
I am a self confessed 'woo woo' person but I have to say I feel parts of the ' twin flame' community exploit ppls traumas and need for external validation/love perpetuating this 'great love is happening' despite no real world movement to a worrying degree.
its so sad actually
Agreed. i heard a story where someone waiting for YEARS for "union" in spite of the fact that the guy didn't show any interest in her.
i myself also experienced "false tf" in a suit called limerence. i have bpd traits and he has narcissistic tendencies. it was a rude awakening for me that i tried to deny. though i had collected enough "evidence" (his sado on my moon, his mars square my moon) but i was clinging to how "amazing" it was when we first met. we finished each other sentence, we have same soul number, same personality number, even same destiny number. this magical woo woo thinking had trapped me from seeing reality. then my intuition/inner guidance told me to check the transit when we met, turned out it was when Jupiter square Neptune 🤣🤣🤣. the square energy is sooo crazy!! but it was just temptation. and its usually made "amazing" to lure us. then i also found the term neptunian, plutonian relationship, which is similar to tf dynamic. its crazy how the longer i tried to stay for this guy, the more my inner guidance showed me something else to open my eyes. final sign, i saw a video on my recommendation about false tf!! it talked about feeling safe around tf which i never had! i had a sense of danger with this guy but since i read an article how meeting tf can be scary, my mind seemed paralyzed to run. i checked our synastry and we have south node aspect with moon, he was probably my mom or i was his mom lol. after this cruel experience, now im more aware of how energy works and prevent myself from falling into limerence trap.
I totally agree! To tell people that abusive treatment is part of the process until you ‘come back together’. A true soul partner (romantic or otherwise) treats you with love and respect - no ‘waiting’ for someone to heal.
@@katiegarber Absolutely! As the dynamic also can then falls into the realms and toolbag of the narcissistic or abuser! Keeping the fog of illusion permanently rolling in and turning abuse into a 'necessary love higher purpose' dynamic! Very insidious.
That's right! Love & respect, always! - Ashley, Team Fairy
She’s not crazy. Most narcs will do this to get that attention from you. They know you like them a lot and their ego feeds from it. It’s a game to make you look crazy because of course they have a girlfriend or wife. You feel drained but they are glowing from the energy you are giving them. Never ever play games with people like these. They are sick.
It's so easy and convenient to just call the other person a 'narc'. Takes the responsibility off of the unhealthy person who is projecting things onto someone that is unavailable, which really aren't there. Who is really 'sick' and in need of healing?
I have to agree with you.
@@silvershadow7655 that depends on the person, because ask yourself why are you attracted to them if they weren’t meant for you and you weren’t supposed to be attracted to them. It happens for a ‘reason’
There are psychopaths out there that love vulnerable people who are prone to being limmerent and love gaslighting them. This shouldn't be over looked because when people are being victimized then tend to self- blame or are made to feel like they're crazy. With this letter you really can't tell but its possible. Narcissistic people are everywhere.
@@danettem614 exactly that’s why they’re called predators
life draining, empty, hollow , depressing. Yep it feels like that exactly
Men are clear not confusing. If there is ANY confusion then do not assume. If you have to ask the answer is NO.
Yes, his flirtations were ambivalent and somehow the writer wanted that ambivalence to be enough for a relationship. But it's not, for her - or any of us.
It's so hard when you feel like you can't trust your own brain! 😫
That's where the Daily Practice comes in :)
free course bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
I want to thank Maria for being brave and sharing her story. As someone else mentioned, and after coming out of a terrible bout of limerence myself recently, I know too well the shame that comes when you start to emerge from the fog and realize how far gone you were. I’m grateful to have gained so much more perspective and control over my own healing, but do struggle with the grief of how much of my life was lost to this kind of thing. Have heart, Maria. You’re in the right place. I have found Anna’s courses so very helpful, both on their own and as a support to help guide my work with a therapist around these issues. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing these kind words of support to our letter writer. We appreciate it and are glad that you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Lost 10 years of my life 😢 I no longer know who I am.. I used to be kind, loving, compassionate, yet now I am depressed, angry, raging and full of chronic illness 😭😭😭😭 xxx
Crappy Childhood Fairy eeeeee
@@nicolameikle3976 I really can relate Nicola. Does the powerless hurt and anger cause the chronic auto immune conditions or vice versa 🤔
@@nicolameikle3976 Can you please elaborate? I had no idea limerence and chronic illness were tied.
I channel all my old limerence energy into writing romance novels. I have a rich history of thinking I was living out romance novels when it wasn't even remotely real. At least I am incredibly qualified for this profession, as real romance is nothing like what readers want to read about.
"make your tragedies a work of art"
Oh wow, that's great! Happy to hear that someone is using their painful experiences to create something beautiful.
That’s actually awesome you channeled it into something.
@@JB-tt6ct From your lemons, lemonade. But ... romance novels create new limerence and reader limerents.
I have considered writing a book about my limerence. The story that lead up to it and how it came to be the monster in my life that it is.
It's amazing how we can see and hear what we want...and be deaf,dumb and blind to red flags.😞
I feel like people try to make other people obsessed because they have obsession. Obsession is not love. It is not trust. It is not respect. It is not real.
Other people can't 'make you' obsessed. We have to take responsibility for our own behaviors and actions.
@@silvershadow7655 you are right and wrong at the same time. People play games and there is a whole industry worth hundreds of millions centered around creating romantic obsession. If you don't think that is true then type 'how to make her obsessed with you' into the RUclips search bar.
@@vivianvennicia I know there are pick up artists and professional seducers out there - but if we just focus on this particular situation and the two people involved in this letter, the writer says on more than one occasion "he never said anything about having feelings for me" and he kept "everything above board" - so why are we wanting to pretend this guy "wanted an affair" with her and imagining he is a "narc" or PUA?
He was her boss - he told her early on that he has a girlfriend - and she had limerant feelings about him. Fortunately she realized something is not quite adding up, hence her writing the letter. Let's read what's there and see it plainly without creating victims / villains needlessly. That behavior doesn't help people take responsibility for their lives and just creates more suffering.
@@silvershadow7655 I understand why you are saying what you are saying. However I am not making it a black and white issue. PUA is really a mirroring of female behaviors in the first place. Women do the exact same thing. If you read some of my other comments on thia video you will see more of where I am coming from. Everyone who engages in maladaptive behaviors is at fault.
It also explains when a guy feels good about himself by flirting and has no problem throwing an 'interest' under a bus for cash... We need men who have respect for women.
She may be recalling things inaccurately but i know what she means when she describes his covert advances. Its happened to me several times. They do that so that you know whats going on, but just in case other ppl notice or you talk to someone else about it they can gaslight you easily and make you feel crazy. Its such a low thing to do, messing with someones mind that way.
The analysis is so ingenious it makes me cry with grief and relief. Grieving all those years (in other people's lives as well) and feeling relieved bc there's an explanation and there are ways to tame this monster called limerence. Best thing I decided to do in 2022 is to educate (and heal) myself with Anna's channel and techniques. I've already learned a tremendous amount of stuff.
So happy that Anna's videos are helping you. Rooting for you as you continue to heal. Thank you for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
who's Anna?
I so wish I could get there. But my fantasy LO gives me such an empty happiness, that genuine happiness doesn't even seem logical today. If that sounds weird, it's because it is. And yes I am weird. It's just the chaos this limerence thing does to the human mind. Wtf???
@@sohara.... lol thank u
I have found that reading romantic novels or watching romantic shows/movies make my limerence worse. So I stay away from that.
24:26 to anyone in limerence this is brutal to hear from your LO but to anyone recovered from limerence this is what you wish was said to you in the beginning. Once you have feelings for someone that doesn’t reciprocate it’s best to move on with life and not try to even hold a friendship with that person.
"You can heal... It will get better..." You are loveable and loved!
That's the spirit!
-Cara@TeamFairy
some men who have anything resembling power at workplaces will try to monopolize the women. maybe some would pay more attention to one of the prettier women for a while. the psychology is that many people in a relationship are also looking for a backup relationship, just in case, you know. it happens to christians too. i've heard a story where 'god' told a guy he could have 2 wives, or some drivel like that. i'm sure it was magical for all 3 of them. i think this is one instance where you are underestimating pig-like behavior of humans, which likely wouldn't even occur to you that any man would want to monopolize every single pretty girl in his vicinity. (i doubt her feelings were way stronger than his, and i can easily believe he made eyes at her)
Not to deny limerence, which I truly see there and I'm starting to acknowledge myself in my life too, but some even good men do really love to send flirting glances and admirations while asserting being in a relationship. I've experienced that. Especially when they see the girl is responsive. They may also get jealous if the girl shifts her attention to other men, even if they don't break up with their girlfriend. It's deeply immature behaviour but it exists. This adds confusion, and I do understand Maria. But still, that was fantasising and I truly support the idea that "only a traumatised person" is subject to getting used to crumbs of attention. Hugs sisters
YES! I found this video to be extremely gaslighting because I experienced gaslighting from my former limerent object. At moments, he would purposefully tell me that he was afraid of me, that our relationship is special or that he adored me while showing very obvious signs of affection only to later change his mind and tell me that it was all just in my head. It took me months to recover from this and I can only imagine what it's like to be gaslighted by a trusted psychologist just because "yes by definition limerence does this". I was lucky enough to have friends who also noticed that he showed me obvious signs of affection and it wasn't all in my head.
There's no contradiction there. Flirting (which means different things for everybody) is a meaningless feel good thing. It becomes unhealthy if you take it the wrong way, which is exactly what Maria did, which she used it to gaslight herself.
You snatched the wig right off my head with this one
it's not impossible for men to be attracted to women they have no intention of ever having a relationship with--some women are simply attractive, and some men simply admire. i think the converse is also true of female to male attraction. i find that if you're on the receiving end of admiration from someone you know is in a relationship who would otherwise be interesting to you, always ask them about their partner. like, did your partner and you enjoy the weekend? or your trip? or vacation? ask how the partner is liking their job. or whatever. i find that doing this gives the person admiring you a safe place to be in their existing relationship, where they know you're not trying to horn in, and where they know that you're not reading anything into their attraction to you. and it gives you a much-needed reality check when you see their face light up when they talk about their partner. i find it a helpful way to banish limerence.
19:01 "Your feelings were so strong. It sounds to me like they just felt like they had to be mutual". Right ! Exactly ! I know that. My feelings are so special, so peculiar, so unique -- like the term "in love" would seem too simplistic and reductive to define such a feeling -- that my (false) intuition tells me they can only be reciprocal. Like there's some telepathy going on. But, no, I'm fooling myself : it's just limerence.
We all deserve more than being the 'work spouse' ! Being emotionally unavailable is a box that if ticked blows the rest of the good traits in a potential partner out of the water. When people show you who they are believe them, the first time. - Maya Angelou
Yeah some bosses know it and use it to their advantage too. So gross!
We definitely deserve more. Wonderful quote by Maya Angelou -- thank you for sharing. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I got another one..."Never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you." ~Judge Lynn Toler
Wow, what an incredibly wise and true quote! Thank you for sharing that. This is definitely going to put an end to my lifelong tendency of second-guessing myself all the time, when I know with my head and heart that I need to stay away/keep my distance from someone. I felt that way about my husband from the get-go, but because of a lot of horrific childhood abuse/trauma, I’d always find excuses for others when they behave badly towards me or just badly in general. Time and time again, I always turn out to be right about people’s character, but the abuse I suffered tells me that I should be nicer and more understanding with others, and that I’m the one needing to be tolerated by everyone else because I’m the bad guy and not worthy of love and respect. So I deliberately go against my own good and sound judgement to spare others of rejections and hard feelings. And all I’ve ever gotten in return as a result is a lifetime of pain, hurt, debilitating depression, and self-loathing.
This is the closest I've seen to my own limerence experience. I find myself wanting to yell, YES, YES, YES at many of these videos.
I can really relate to this, it reminds me of the song ‘Wicked Game’ by Chris Isaac. I’ve had men do this to me a lot when they are married. I’ve come to the conclusion they have unmet needs or perhaps still want to feel like they’ve ‘got it’! It’s made me more careful of messing around with other people’s feelings as it makes you feel crap.
Love the "Wicked Game" reference!
The guy definitely has a participation role in this example. Guys do this, and it breadcrumbs the limerence. It's very damaging to the (already damaged) woman. Especially when she finds out it's a charade of affection, as he has a real, beautiful life elsewhere, as she did here.
Agreed, I think he has a bigger role than Crappy Childhood Fairy sees. He probably does like the attention and is attracted and can tell she has a crush and subtly eggs it on to feed his ego. The worker should be able to see through his bs, but still men esp married men do this kind of thing and never get called out on it.
@@JoannCarolus Yup. I just came out of an experience like this, only we ended up in bed after his doing this to me for two years. He very purposefully fed my fantasy the entire time. Only when he finally got me into bed did he tell me he was married. Let me ask you, though, Frank, what is it that inspires a man to behave this way? Is it just a sex addiction? I'm stunned by how men are able to play this game with women for so long and without breaking chracter at all until they get what they want.
@@emobloomer I can't answer 100%, b/c I am a woman. I think it's different things, in different men - boredom, being stuck in unhealthy relationships that they can't ease out of, conquest-addiction, self-centeredness. Sex is just sex, for many men, and doesn't appear to hold the emotional charge that it holds for women (unless she cheats on him, then, suddenly....) When I asked my married guy why he did it, he said he just wanted to experiment with something his wife wasn't willing to do. That makes me an awesome sexual partner, nothing more. I'm very tired of men getting away with "NSA" sex. The "strings" they never want are the actual interpersonal connection, friendship and caring parts of the relationship. No continuity of having to give damn. Completely self-serving.
This is so interesting to me and makes so much sense now. In middle and high school I got a lot of attention from guys - if ever I liked someone he would often show interest in me in return. But for some reason I never actually wanted to date them, just the idea of us being together was enough for me. My crushes would do everything to win me over and I'd consistently deny them - only to go home starry eyed and fantasize about us being in the perfect relationship, lol. The fantasies were more important to me! I was very aware of this too and it drove me crazy. Despite my very intense desire for male attention and affection I couldn't actually let myself have it - in fact I'm still struggling with this 15 years later. The human mind is amazing.
I think it means you are emotionally avoidant. You kinda flirt but don’t ever commit. Men hang around for awhile when they think they still have a chance, but eventually they’ll give up and move on.
This sounds to lithromantic to me, look for "arromantic".
It sounded at one point that this letter-writer confronted her boss about his advances and tried to get an admittance out of him. But she didn't directly say that happened. That may have been why he let her go
Yeah, wish she could've been more clear about that. Probably ashamed, even knowing it would only be read anonymously.
i've had so much limerence in my life, alongside maladaptive daydreaming. Both those terms have been really helpful - sometimes if I feel like I just really want to daydream rather than be present, I do allow it but i'm able to acknowledge what is going on and have more control. Limerence wise i know i've kind of been doing it since atleast 8 yrs old. But in a weird way I feel i've managed to keep myself a little safe because low self-esteem has meant i've never thought any of those people would actually be interested in me. The most helpful thing to remember, after actually experiencing the following through getting into a relationship is: if someone wants to talk to you, they will. When they wanna see you, they do and ultimately they tell you they're into you! If you find yourself having to read into what they're saying or your sentence is something like 'they said - insert reason as to why a relationship wouldn't work - but THEN they said this which made me feel like -insert positive feeling-". You are probably reading too much into it.
--- Thank you so much for these videos x
It all goes back to attachment injury. Heal the attachment injury and the limerace is gone.
Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tonnov, this book is amazing. There has to be hope and rejection at play for Limerence to really take hold. It is incredibly painful, especially if you are in a push and pull relationship. This is the perfect recipe for years of unhappiness. I’m thankful I can name this and not feel insane.
Insanity is so extreme yet a perfect analogy. Literal insanity
"When guys like me I don't tend to find them interesting" same girl, I am always attracted to people who doesn't want more than something casual
Spent almost my entire life in this state. There is always someone it seems. I am married to someone who has shown me nothing but love and dedication, but my diagnoses (bpd) and the history of trauma makes me latch on like my life depends on it. It's horrible and I have to isolate sometimes so it doesn't happen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's very very important to learn how to live in reality. I'm getting better every day
I'm just coming out from a Limerence state of mind. The story is quite similar to Maria's story. Anyways, I've always been in a limerence state of mind: with friends, with work colleagues, with my boyfriends. Everytime I find out that the romance existed only in my head, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm so blind and so naive, even if I've experienced this so many times. I'm starting to think I've never experienced love; I don't know what love is, I only know limerence.
it is somewhat common i hear it a lot in music and in books and movies....i heard a song the other day which was all about how the guy felt about the girl wishing he could see her again and then at the end of the song he admitted they never even talked to each other
@@leahflower9924 Yep, it's very common. People often lead double lives.
@@Christopher-p7g Hence the double lives...
True, never feel ashamed of loving someone. There's nothing wrong with it, even if they are married or something. Yet don't let yourself used. Sometimes easier said than done though.
@@Christopher-p7g Wow, well said!☺️ There's not much else!
I feel you brother
Yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable, however It sounds to me that he WAS also attracted to her. I don’t disagree that Maria was probably in limerance, but I do disagree that all the things she said about him adoring her etc were all in her head . To think we will never be attracted to another person just because we’re in a relationship is not realistic. I think we can tell when someone is also attracted to us- we can feel it and we subconsciously can read nonverbal cues.
He didn’t make a move because he was trying to be loyal ; that doesn’t mean he wasn’t also attracted to her. This is also why he didn’t talk about the girlfriend. Yes yes yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable; but that does not mean that the cues she read were wrong.
I think some people do like to play with this kind of energetic attraction. Being in a relationship doesn’t stop you from becoming attracted to someone else. (Of course being attracted doesn’t mean a person has to act on those feelings) Is that simply not Limerance ? Is limerance never mutual? Limerance is obviously different from attraction; Attraction does not necessarily equate with being out of touch with reality and cause loss of optimal daily functioning. Maybe that’s just not limerance?
I relate to this one a lot, and I still don’t have the answers. The guy I’ve been in limerence with actually did pursue me at first, we went on a date, slept together, then he kept up with me for months (though he traveled for work and was based 6 hours away from me), asked me if I wanted to rent the spot he had where I lived, helped me move in, slept with me again, would text me every day sending me jobs in the area, events in the area, or just making conversation. I got my wallet stolen one day and made an instagram story about it & he texted me checking in to see if I was okay. The living situation fell through because of pandemic related stuff & so he asked his friend if I could work/live where he was. I moved up there, and since day one he was avoiding & ignoring me. Instead of communicating like I should have I just suffered in silence and left a couple weeks later. He rushed out to ask why I was leaving, I didn’t say much, and then I blocked him on everything. It’s been two years and I just recently found out he’s had a girlfriend since I left, because I caved and checked his social media. It made me realize that one day I thought I overheard his friend ask him how it was going with someone, but I brushed it off cause I was like “there’s no way, I see him every day, he’s not with anyone”. But even before that, it was clear that he didn’t want me, whether it was because of someone else or not. I racked my brain as to why someone would behave that way towards me but not want to be in a relationship with me. What helped me sleep at night was assuming he was scared to be with me, or wanted to but wouldn’t because I was 10 years younger & his friend told me he’d hook up with someone that much younger but would be embarrassed to date them. Those things, in theory, helped me feel better about my rejection but not really. It just kept me on the hook. In the end none of it matters. If someone really wants to be with you, they will. Nothing else will matter. And some people just do that. They play with your head and they string you along and who knows why? But they don’t want you. And it effing sucks when you completely adore them.
I've heard this story so many times unfortunately, but I'm so sorry it happened to you.
If it makes you feel any better, from my own experience, you will be much better at identifying these men in future.
Also, Anna's recurring advice of 'don't sleep with them for 3(?) months' would have been massively helpful in that situation, just something to think about :)
Why do guys do this sick, half-a-relationship thing? It's very real, very confusing, very damaging. I've just suffered two in a row, similar. I'm so tired.
@@JoannCaroluslet's go by her story. She's a much younger, attractive woman he pursued for sex. Now that'd be clear enough if it weren't for his daddy manager actions of finding her an apartment and jobs which gave the impression of care. But it's a power move/trip cause he feels dominant while "helping a damsel". It feeds his ego. He thought he could do what he pleases cause she'd be grateful for his help and due to their age gap still naive enough to go along. Why do the the half thing? All the benefits (sex, power trip) no commitment. You see that he choke when she finaly did move to his city. He also got away lightly cause she just blocked him and left with no confrontation.
@@JB-tt6ct Indeed.
Only just realised about limerence at 57. Now I can understand being in constant crisis, and hopefully heal myself x
You got this! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I was just in a limerent state with a neighbor for about 6 months. Thankfully I kind of had a clue that it was. It was still strong and powerful and felt "real".I really do understand how powerful limerence can get. Why did it happen? Well, I'm a live-in caretaker for an elderly father and brother with special needs, have been for the last 3 and half years. It's been hard, I don't have much time for myself at all.....and unfortunately there were a lot of big life changes during this period......the pandemic, 3 friends moving away, my daughter moved 2 hours away. So I've understandably been very lonely. I was also traumatized by all the sudden changes in my life. The new neighbor talked to me quite a few times and we shared some quite intimate details about our lives. I took this and ran with it and started to develop a big crush....and then.....it turned into limerence. He had flirted with me a lot but other than that showed very little romantic interest and NEVER asked me out or anything like that. I'm just glad I had a sense of what I was doing and why during this six months. But it was almost like I couldn't control the strong feelings I had for him. I'm thankful that I gradually came out of it when I really took a good hard look at how I felt versus what was actually happening with him (nothing!) and WHY I fell into limerence. I'm so grateful for videos like these because I also realized a lot of my feelings were probably coming from just pure physical desire more than anything else. (It's been a looooong time). Thanks again for an informational and also very empathetic video. I'll definitely recognize this a lot sooner if it ever happens again, and nip it in the bud.
Always start off by asking if this person you're attracted to is really available. Saves a LOT of time. I have run into this kind of situation at work and school, and just cutting it off at the get-go spares you the agony. It is possible to establish strict boundaries, stick to them, focus your attention elsewhere and just keep it moving.
She needs to entitle these letter readings “Truth Telling”.
I love the clarity and honesty she brings to RUclips.
I love the idea that romantic feelings can be self contained if there's no one to reciprocate them. I hadn't even thought of that! Emotions, especially strong ones, can be so leaky. I'd love to hear more about self containing romantic emotions.
Hi Matt!!! Write in - would love to catch up :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey Anna, can you make a video on dealing with the shame and guilt after ending a limerence dynamic? I had to get EMDR therapy after and it helped but I still struggle with intrusive memories.
I’m so embarrassed of things I said or did when I was in limerance with someone and I truly felt like they had feelings for me too. Now looking back from reality, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated about what that person thought in the moment and what they think of me now.
Hi Syd.. Ive had simmilar moments, stiil present but in lower intesity.. To my situation it helped working with CBT therapist, reading book Six pillars of self esteem and practicing worksheet from that book. Remember that we are all humans and that we make mistakes like everybody. And taking full responsibility for our actions, no matter what and in what circumstanses they have emerged. Taking ownership of every aspect of our life and all the versions of ourself. Thats good starting point to start fresh and educate ourselves that we dont end up in simmilar situations...
Yes! I would also like a video about this. I struggle with shame and intrusive memories, especially before my period
You are reading my mind . The things I said under limerance. Yikes. All we can do is go forward. I never understood this in my life. Looking back at patterns of behavior I thought I must surely be insane ? But knowledge is power. Onward and upward life is short. Good luck you can do this. We can do this
Yikes indeed! I send him such an embarrassing note after he ended things and my attachment wound flared up on top of the limerence. But somehow I can laugh about it because it was so ridiculous 😂
Give yourself compassion, try to laugh about it. You are perfect as you are, there is nothing wrong with you, it's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. You're already doing the work, it is a massive step. I do understand though, I also feel extremely ashamed and so scared to face this person again (cause we work together ugh).
Her first language is not English and this is probably why she is using these terms. Thank you both for sharing this story.
This limerence series is soooo soo incredible. Cant get enough of it
So good to hear. Thanks!
I experienced hardcore limerence recently, but the problem is I’m married! Needless to say, the object of my limerence was not my wife. I’m still trying to sort out what that means for my relationship, and what steps I need to take to stop it from happening again. When I try and talk to therapists about it they are so laser focused on “save the marriage save the marriage” they don’t even take the time to hear me, and discuss my life in an open and unbiased manner. It’s invalidating, and feeds my feeling of being a bad guy for feeling this way. What’s worse is this is the third major crush I’ve had since being in this relationship. The question I need answered is this: since this keeps happening, might this point to a deep seated unmet need in my relationship, and do I need to end it? It’s making me depressed, giving me learned helplessness. We have a lot of toxic patterns. But I can’t get any therapist to examine that openly. They don’t even consider the possibility that the marriage may be unhealthy for me, and maybe I do need to end it, and maybe I do need support through that process. Instead I get to hear about positive sentiment override and get told to “just wait it out, things will get better” or “kids do better in homes where the parents decided not to get divorced” like I’m supposed to be a sacrificial lamb, staying unhappy in marriage for almost two decades “for the kids”
And I’m sorry this is kind of a rant, big time tangent, just wanted to get that off my chest. There’s nobody in my life I can actually talk about this stuff with. My one friend that I see outside of work is very untreated adhd he just talks and talks and talks non stop I can’t get a word in edgewise, and my luck with therapists has been poor.
Shout out to all my fellow limerents out there!
That's rough. I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
Therapists are just people with tools, if they don't have what you need then you don't have to waste your time and money on them.
Kids do best with parents who are at peace and able to handle life's demands. It teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in a bad marriage "for the kids". You want them to know they have control in their lives, that they don't have to stay in a situation that isn't good for them.
It's very hard to know when to let go, when to cut your losses. Especially when you've devoted yourself to building this whole life that isn't what you thought.
I'm in the middle of divorcing my husband of 11 years. I did everything to "save" the marriage and now? Now I realize I waited too long, I should have ended it when I first began questioning if the relationship was good for any of us. It never got better, only worse. That was years ago and I was right to question, it wasn't good. And hanging around waiting for him to "get it" only drug out our suffering.
Trust yourself. If you are having doubts, they are coming from somewhere. If you are getting limerant over coworkers or whatever, that is a sign you are mentally running away. What are you running from? What do you think you're running towards?
Good luck to you man, we're all here struggling with the same issues.
have you seen what's out there ? Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and looking for the least gross thing you can find. How about going to couples therapy? you really want to give up your family and marriage for a crush you happen to have??
@@y.peffle2802 lol, I’ve been separated over a year now, divorced 5 months. I did not leave her for my crush. I left her to be single. Every day I’m grateful that I did. That marriage nearly wrecked me. Obliterated my confidence and my sense of self.
As for dating, I’m not worried about it. I’m my own biggest enemy in that regard. I’m attracted to toxic women, and don’t feel worthy of healthy ones. Clearly, I have more work on myself to do.
I suggest couples therapy too.
@@jenniferlu7649 lots of replies here. I left that marriage, over a year out now and not a day goes by I’m not grateful I did. Incidentally, I didn’t leave her for my crush. I left her to be alone. The self-discovery I’ve experienced since then has been mind blowing
I've had several limerence non-relationships and when they ended (because the guy ended them), I lost a lot of weight, which was actually pretty cool! Now that I'm on the other side of relationship hell, I believe I was often obsessed with unavailable men because *I* wasn't available. I wanted sex and physical affection, but real relationship? I was clueless.
Same I’m scared of intimacy. I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable men or narcissists bc there’s no real intimacy.
@Melissa As a guy, it was opposite but with same results as you. I just didn't know any better, and desperately wanted intimacy in a relationship. Being oblivious to flirting across a room didn't help either...
The only women I saw as "available" were narcissistic/spoiled/abusive ones (like Jackie on That 70s Show) who'd "hit me over the head with a hammer" (directly/seductively approach me) to notice them. My limerance would instantly take over, and eventually I'd wonder 'what I did wrong' when she moved on (or I found out I was 3rd in her line, or I was her last 'fling' before marriage, or I was her 'dirty secret', smeared me, whatever...)
Now at 6 years single, I've been able to focus on my own healing and learn my boundaries. I'm FINALLY able to enjoy being single, and because of my healing, I can quickly see when I may be "falling in limerance" instead of "falling in love".
Sorry if this was long. I wanted to pass on hope that you don't need to be scared of intimacy. I learned it's ok to replace my "fear" with a "very aware caution" of going near it. At least it's saved me lots of unnecessary heartaches since therapy started. I wanted you to know it takes a long time, though it can be done.
If all you saw growing up was bad stuff around getting together, why would you go towards it? You wouldn't. Add to that violence, verbal battering, manipulation - why would anyone go near that? You were not clueless. You were frightened away instead of towards relationships.
Can you speak about the shame of people "having to" cut us from their life/job because of the limerence in a "cold" way (to not hurt our feelings) after making them very uncomfortable?
I actually feel like I can relate to all of this, I have a major issue with self sabotage. Every time I get somewhere I eventually become discontent. Then I lose everything.. I fear that I'll never become what I always wanted to be.
I destroy every relationship that comes my way it sucks
Please everyone don't confuse someone being kind or polite towards you as someone being interested in you romantically. I completely understand the letter but be realistic and don't humiliate yourselves. It's very painful when someone takes advantage and lies to you because they can sense that you are attracted to them. Dated a coworker in 2012 after he pursed me for a long time(4 years)don't understand if I was only a challenge. But after 14 months I found out he was dating someone else. It felt humiliating and when I tried asking him why he did that to me he literally turned his back to me. I was heart broken and one of his friends went around saying i was delusional that i was never intimate with her friend. Seriously, he would constantly come to my house and had even met my brother! It's sad that this left me so hurt that it took many years to wanna date; experienced more disappointment and I kept waisting years waiting years in between to regain a desire for physical contant with anyone. Now I'm 49 and i feel old and stupid for feeling sexual desire for another or any man. Men my age more than likely have someone and I'm starting to wanna lower my standards and just be a side piece, I'm starting to feel lonely and what to be caressed by the man I'm attracted to if only as an affair. The desire and the fact that i do have some life expectancy issues(nothing contagious of course/I'm not selfish!) just makes me wanna not care if he's involved, I can't devote myself completely to anymore because I've never been a priority for anyone not even my ex-husband who had left me in 2000 at the age of 28; turns out he had only married me to get citizenship. After six years together once he thought it was guaranteed he admitted everything left me with 2 small children to raise alone and I have no family. To top everything off when he left he rubbed it in my face that i was never his type and that he had kids with me because he just wanted to see if he could get me pregnant because all the other women he was with prior never got pregnant. I guess this is my confession as to why maybe for me a fantasy would probably be better at this point, remembering so much hurt sucks. But at least here no one has to see my face and it's not so humiliating to share all this.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. None of it is your fault. And loneliness can drive us to do many things and skin hunger is real. Someone else here said their tonic is good rest, good food and good friends. I have found that the last bit is the most important - it takes a while to find friends who love you, but you have to keep charging through to find the ones that stick. Relationships come and go, so we must find friends who stick. Or perhaps a pet. I know neither of those things really replace intimacy, but it leaves us less vulnerable to vultures. I hope your pain eases.
This has happened to me. It took me a long time to get over my Limerance. I think Alex was attracted to Maria but not in a romantic way. He was probably being casually flirtatious. Hoping to just boost each other’s egos while at work, nothing more.
This fits SO MUCH of a past relationship I had my 'fantasy' person I met on Instagram. I wish I had known what limerence was back when I had encountered him. You say somethings that hurt to hear, but lead to so much clarity! Your channel is helping me heal and to never fall for an unavailable partner again.
So happy to hear that Anna's videos have brought clarity to your life. Thank you for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
After decades of therapy and much involvement in 12-step programs, I am receiving a surprising benefit from viewing the videos here by the Crappy Childood Fairy. The dissection and analysis of other people's experiences with limerence has cut through my denial and given me a new perspective. I'm very grateful for the clarity, patience, compassion, and direct honesty we receive from your interpretation of the letters from brave and sad women. Thank you!
This is incredibly relatable, except my limerences never seem to be romantic
for example my most common ones are on teachers and usually older people, I definitely think it's because they represent safe parental figures in contrast with the childhood abuse and neglect I've been through yay c'mon cptsd
Be careful because immature old men know this and some might get close to you and try something. They don’t act creepy and they call You mature for your age. You feel like wow it’s a unique story… but it’s not. You don’t want to date someone that would despise you 20 years later for being old. They are super immature in a mature package. Seriously queen, beware.
@@lu-themadpillow2985 yesss thank you I know I've already encountered weirdos like that with the exact same speech going 'you're mature for your age' and all 😭 happened to me when I was like 13 but I quickly stopped talking to them and I won't fall for this again
@@laurene111 I'm so glad. It happened to me too and ruined like 8 years of my twenties. It was horrible. Like an addiction, and all for this wannabe cool old fart.
@@lu-themadpillow2985 ugh I'm so sorry for you you surely did not deserve that, I hope you're healed now I wish you all the very best!! you seem to be a really precious person
Limerence is so dangerous ive had friendships end bc of it as well as been the one fantasizing others its like a spell where distancing myself felt like my only resort this video really spoke to me as cliche as it sounds
I'm so glad you are talking about this. I've never heard anyone else talk about this. I have done this limerance stuff when I was addicted to methamphetamine. I got a restraining order. I got multiple criminal trespasses and I ruined my life. Thankfully I am sober now but this type of thinking still comes up and I literally have to "play" a logical person in my head to get myself out of this thinking. I am a trauma survivor. I know this is probably mostly a female thing but gay men also suffer. Thank you for your videos!!!
What has helped me in healing has been doing things I love. I’m 55 soon I don’t have much faith in finding a partner etc but I do want to heal
Ambiguity. OH yeah. For me - lonely, isolated, bereaved - a married man's off-the-cuff, sexually-charged comments turned me upside down. And I KNOW he fed off it. I still resent him for it, even while he did a 180 soon after, and was generous with his free time in order to help me. THAT I believe was his conscience acting.
I find this lady to have very good discernment and judgement. Wow. It's not easy to unpack the riddle of our lives with imperfect or in some cases abusive parents. I like how practical and to the point she unwinds complex relationships. Nice job! The best therapy is God Therapy. Be grateful and see the abundance of blessings around you.
20:45 As you heal your trauma, the behaviour begins to matter, you won't have to use your imagination to fill in the gaps
You're uploading these Limerence videos at exactly the right time, these are describing exactly how I felt about this one guy.
I’m experiencing this with an online parasocial relationship, it really sucks. It’s hard enough being infatuated with someone unavailable, but it’s even worse when they don’t even know you exist. I’ve also found it to work as a coping mechanism for severe loneliness. As much as I want to let it go and move on, I feel like it’s all I have to cling to right now as there is nobody in my life and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. I spend a lot of my time in my head fantasizing and projecting my ideal partner onto this person. I’m kind of lost on what to do, should I just force myself to give this up and suffer without it? Or keep it up until I’m in a healthy place to let it go naturally? I don’t really have anything else. Being a lonely guy is so painful. Life is so distressing and this is the only thing that brings me happiness, even though it isn’t real. Doesn’t help that I’m stuck in an emotional flashback right now and it’s kind of keeping me afloat at the moment.
It may not go away "naturally" so if you can cut it off and do anything else, that would help.
I feel like the online world makes this happen so much more now.
@@ohtoobeetall True, but this has been a coping mechanism since my childhood with various figures. The internet sure makes it easier though.
@@StephieGsrEvolution I don’t know, I’ve had this coping mechanism for a very very long time and I feel like I still need it. There is nobody in my life right now and I’m still living in the place where all my trauma occurred. I don’t really feel safe enough to let go of it yet, so I’m hoping when I move out and go no contact it will just go away.
@@kellyflanagan9242 ok, yes, I understand. That's why I said "if you can" and this is too much a coping mechanism for you now. I can relate. But I will tell you. It may not go away naturally. I am happily married and still have residual issues with non-romantic limerance. I think this stuff happens more than people talk about.
The most important thing is not to let it go past fantasy and go into stalking mode.
Have a boundary for yourself and stick to it. Hopefully, this will be talked about more on this channel.
I'm not sure having a crush or fantasizing about someone is inherently bad, but IMHO you absolutely have to keep reality front and center - keep spending time with real people. If it starts to take over your life, or if you start to believe they have feelings for you even though they haven't said so, or have ghosted you, well, that's the reality check time. BTDT.
Yeah it's not that simple.
As a guy who does this as well.
Luckily the first time I acted on this I was so politely shutdown.
He's still a very good friend and we talk often. I don't feel the same way anymore but I still sometimes daydream about a reality that we could've worked out.
Actually it was through you that I started remembering a question to stay aware, "Am I falling in limerance or love?"
THANK YOU!!!! 🎶🐶🐾
Oh GOOD!
I also can relate to it in the way that sometimes I just really like certain people and I don’t know why, it’s just their energy but it’s in a friendly way and not a romantic way. If someone really liked me I could see how they would interpret me as liking them, because it’s also in my nature to be very attentive and more friendly than most. Some of us are just more like that than others and I’ve realized through my Limerence that all you can do is ask the person if they like you or see that they have not made a move and find closure for yourself.
This video is very helpful in the amount of information. I was limerant to someone a few months ago. Things were bad. I was living with my mom, I didn't have a great job, I felt so depressed. I felt like I wanted this guy. I also didn't feel worthy of him. I saw him a few days ago and he seemed upset at me. I'm not really sure about anything with him
But I refuse to let him take anymore of my time. I spent a lot of time pining away for him
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just started to get help and my therapist told me to watch your videos so I started and I did cry with every video I thought I'm alone and a weirdo I thought I'm not normal and the problem is me and I'm wrong to live so thank you. You are the reason why I keep trying to get better thank you to let me out of my stress and anxiety even for one minute it was worth it can't explain the way I feel
Your therapist told you to watch these videos?! That's cool to hear. Glad that Anna's videos are resonating with you. You are definitely not alone. We're sending you encouragement as you continue to heal. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes she told it would help understand what is cptsd now that I know what it is I felt that I need to share my story but how can I send it ?🙏🏻💕
@@lilysvg5798 Hi Lilly, happy you are healing! We do accept questions and sometimes I share those letters in videos but I'm afraid that when people share their stories, we can't always give them time and attention they deserve!
Yeah. It feels addictive to me. The fantasy is more pervasive than what's happening in reality.
I love this lady she's so real. It helps. She does a really good job of letting you know but empowering you at the same time.
So many great things are said throughout this video. Someone to tell you the truth of the situation during limerence is crucial to moving on.
Great video on this.
OMG!!!! I’m going through this right now. Let’s be honest, unavailable men can be attracted to other women. Marriage, even unhappy/unfulfilling ones, aren’t easily ended. I do realize that attraction doesn’t lead to happy ever after. I have removed myself from the situation; and am now fantasizing less. I do need to understand how this happened. Thanks for your guidance.
I'm so thankful this is being brought out in the open for people tp discuss . I wasted years in a limerant state - it seems to be the mind's way of putting a soothing hard shell around itself .
Thank you Anna, I needed this reminder again concerning limerence. I have noticed how my addiction to tarot card readings here on RUclips just makes it worse. Truly Limerence is a curse lol.. but you know what, there more aware and informed I am the better for me and everyone in and around me. So, thank you for being such a blessings to us all. 🙏🏽🖤
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He may have had an adoring gaze. It's incorrect and gaslighting to say "No one says 'adoring gaze'." Obviously some people do, and to imply she would further isolates her. It's not true. He may have stoked these feelings in her.
Yes! Thank you! This video is incredibly gaslighting and I really hope that the woman who wrote this letter would find another therapist because this is brutal and can set you back mentally for months and even years.
Oh man, Maria. That is not a safe guy. he knew what he was doing. He used his position to manipulate you. I’m sorry. I feel for you.
I love these limerance videos. I had a limerance experience over a decade ago and after I cleared it out, it was such a weird thing to look back on. I'm glad to have a name for it, and to hear that other people with C-PTSD experience it. There is life after limerance, and reality, and actual love.
Thanks for sharing!!
I am in this situation right now. Funny coz my name is Maria and that we are of different cultures as well. It’s a pity that on a conscious level, you educate yourself with the conflicting signs that he’s not romantically interested. It takes so much discipline to snap out of this situation. When you realise this, you feel that you are living in a parallel universe. You feel ashamed, embarrassed of yourself, angry, and your self-esteem shatters (if it’s not already shattered from the start that’s why you puff up each grain of sweetness). I really hope I get out of this. Easy for others to say that one should just walk away but the mind combined with your past experiences and relationships lead you to this pathetic tragedy. I know i’m smarter than this. And yeah, the fight is exhausting and all-consuming sometimes. That’s when I know it’s NOT healthy at all.
Thank you for making this video and letting us know that there is a word for this mindset/experience. Falling for unavailable men is the worst because exerting energy is worth NOTHING to BOTH parties.
Sitting in SLAA meetings, listening to limerence stories...I never really understood it...how one could become obsessed w a person and never really have any physical interaction. Thanks for explaining this..it is sad, but a person can heal
I'm also experiencing the same thing. My life sucks and the only thing that gets me through the day is obsessive thinking and fantasizing. I have no idea how to stop this😢He is such a pleasant man, he made my day the first time I saw him. But I know we will never be together because I am not his type. His life is very interesting and accomplished (I stalked him on social media) The thing about me is that I know I would not make a very good girl friend/wife because I'm too broken and failing at my career..I'm living life in survival mode with my parents. In my childhood a lot of things happened, including death of a sibling. I've never been the same again. I've lost all ambition and interest in everything. I do not know how to get my spark back.
Non-romantic limerance when you know the other person probably doesn't think of you is a real doozy too.
Thank you Anna. I think i've spent most of my 32 years of life in limerance cycles. Some lasting much longer than others. Mum used to get annoyed with me sometimes and say "You're not with reality!" but didn't know how to actually help me with that (if she realised that it was something that needed some help vs. a character flaw, not sure). Reality hurts a lot, unfortunately.
There’s a word for it? There’s a word for it!
I was so afraid to watch this one, because the titles of your last few videos have had me just scared to watch. Some of the things I’ve tried to explain to a number of therapists over a LOT of years right here. And somebody actually “gets it”. Wow.
My last bout with this, I knew something was wrong with the person, but when I asked, I was told everything was fine. And I was fine never seeing this person again, but still kind of stuck in that state. Then came the day that I learned this person died from cancer that they’d been fighting for years. Six years have passed since then, and I still feel such guilt for having placed so much of my attention on this person while not really knowing what was going on at all. I never want to be in that mental place again. I’m not the same person, and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel joy again. Even if it was false joy, it was something…
As I saw in a different comment, yes this person represented a safe and calm presence. The opposite of what I experienced growing up. Ouch.
I think if you've been traumatized, there's a cruel side to your mind that seems to justify the lack of ethics you experience either towards you or around/involving you. I call it the inner "evil sugarbaby". Others might call it the jezebel princess. The "mistress who's got it all, the man, the car, the keys to the kingdom"... (I think media/soap operas glorify this trope as tragically aspirational) Never waste mental resources on taken men. Even if there's a sweet guy with a girlfriend and your inner evil-sugarbaby tried to get you to think, "he loves you more than his girlfriend/wife , you're funnier, you're prettier, so you can steal him away from her." Nobody wants to admit these thoughts. But they are related to our ego, but not rational. The truth is maybe he doesn't love his girlfriend or wife, but that doesn't guarantee he will love you more!!! It might just mean he is a flirty coward who likes to be in control, but have no strings attached with women he has "fun" with..
Your videos on limerance are helping me understand & make peace with the way one of my close friendships ended. I think there were multiple things going on (a lot of them C-PTSD flavored, on both ends), but looking back it seems like the "beginning of the end" (or maybe the last straw) was a limerence she was feeling towards my partner. Although I'll probably always be a bit sad & frustrated over the way our friendship ended, I can understand better now why she felt that way, why she acted like everything was fine for so long when it wasn't, that it may have been too painful for her to remain friends with us, and it was probably in everyone's best interest to get some space. I hope the space allows her some peace & healing. Thank you for helping me understand. 💜