How to Break the Spell of Trauma Bond Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 3 дек 2021
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Can you be addicted to a person? If romantic relationships turn to obsession, especially after they're over, it's time to heal trauma bonds that "hook" you in to people who are selfish, manipulative, and who "blow hot and cold." In this video I respond to a letter from a man who struggles to detach from an ex who tries to keep him at arm's length, but hooked on her all the same.
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What I love most about these videos is these people wrote their story out which probably helps them process a little, then they hear you read it out loud which probably gives them a new perspective on the matter and then you give advice in a 40 min video that they will always have for reference when they need help on their healing journey. Incredible
And not to mention all of the kind and helpful comments!!🌬
♥️
Agreed. She is more helpful than 75% of channels I’ve found. I’ve shared her channel with many lost ones
I think she also contacts the writer and goes over the letter privately first. But yeah, having this as a permanent link to reference is a huge help.
Well said.
“Watch what they do, not what they say they are going to do” At the end it is that simple.
💯🎯 Best advise, that is the antidot for the narcissists poisen ❣😘👋
Yep. Talk is cheap.
Yeah I even told the npd I wanted actions and not words anymore
Facts are facts.
Slow is so much healthier. Love bombing and future faking is a major red flag to create that trauma bond. They do follow that hot/cold, push/pull intermittent reinforcement. It's emotional torture where love, affection and sex are used as a tool to manipulate and control you. They put you on a pedestal and when you start to have flaws, feelings or needs, they no longer see you as special, but the opposite. They can't see someone as a whole person only through the lens of their needs, wants, boundaries and need for control and power.
@Kevin Silverstri Wow, well written.
You are spot on it's odd how I see the red flags and ignore them because it's all I know....
Very true, Kenneth!
Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this.
Spot on, thanks I needed to hear that and it helps after a recent discard. ✨🍄🌸
Trauma bonding from what I’ve learned, is biochemical. The same as a drug addiction. The honeymoon periods get you high, it releases the feel good chemicals in our brains. Oxytocin, serotonin, etc. so when they mistreat us, we want another hit of those feel good chemicals, that’s why we believe that the same person that’s hurting us, is the only one who can fix us, it’s a terrible place to find yourself in. It’s tough as hell to break. But when you start loving you, it makes it easier to let go of the illusion we were stuck in.
Thank you so much for this coment. You nailed for me.
@@Rockyourcolours you’re welcome. Best wishes on your journey of breaking free from the crazy making, and the opportunity to grow, heal, and allow yourself to be truly loved by someone far more deserving of you!
Have a look at Dr Gabor Matés work on how trauma is wired into our biology.
@@simonclarke4156 yes, I agree wholeheartedly with you! I am familiar with Dr Garbor Mates work. He is someone who I respect highly. His wisdom has helped me understand myself in many ways.
@Amy so very perfectly put. I’ve taken a screenshot of this, so that when I feel wobbly I can refer back to it. Thank you so much 🙏🏼🌻
"This is not love, this is consumption". Bravo for this quote and the whole video!
When she said I hollered. Made 💯 sense
Grieve. That's how you let go. Accept and see your situation exactly as it is, then you can gain the understanding and wisdom to move forward.
Radical Acceptance. Your right. So hard. I had to get rid of everything I had from my ex to avoid triggering memories. I never had to do that with an ex, but it did really help to clear house. You have to do what is needed for your own mental health.
@@evonne315 getting rid of triggers can be like avoiding grieving though and even when you DO grieve the wound and addiction can be reopened if the person wants you back. To grieve and commit to "we are never ever getting back together" (cue Taylor Swift) is extra tough to stick to sometimes.
Well said. I think you imagine yourself falling in to an abyss after you 'let go', when in reality you grow wings as you fall, and touch down sooner and more smoothly than you imagined possible, as you're falling in to what is true and good and right for your own heart. That has been my experience when I've ended a bad relationship - regardless of its length.
@@evonne315 I haven't got rid of my videos or conversations from my ex (LDR with someone I also knew IRL way back). Haven't watched the above video yet, so not sure how much it will resonate. But, as I felt closer to this partner than anyone, I have been finding the thought of getting rid of all the videos and conversations an impossible thought. I wanted to treasure them...... but now am starting to think maybe I shouldn't. The rship was only 4 or 5 months. Then he sent a very brutal, terrible email and disappeared. I've never been hurt like this. Not even by cheating at the end of a long relationship. Nothing has hurt as much as this. I was very in love and he appeared to be too. :/ Anyway, I think I might store all the stuff from him in place I can't access it.
@@85Pesticat watch the video and get back with us. Ok?
"People don't abandon people they love, they abandon people they were using." - someone
Of course, life is more complicated than a one line quote. This one is mostly for someone who may be stuck in a trauma bond, obsessing over if the Narcissist actually loved them....They didn't, they were using you..
Nicely put.
Agree with you. 💕💟💕💟💕
@@36summers Yes it was.
Prefect summary and useful to me personally, too. Thanks.
Ouch!
Intermittent rewards are why gambling is addictive. When a person provides only Intermittent friendship/love, which hooks you, why not call it addiction?
Good point to make!!!! 👍👍👍👍👍💛
Dopamine spikes the highest at a potential reward compared to a guaranteed one. You're right.
Agree and that is why there is withdrawal and relapse.
Truth. From a Ph.D psychiatrist.
They should! Was hard for me to admit I was addicted to her for 13 years despite getting slapped, shoved on the ground (she's twice my size. Real line backer) forced to walk home for 3 hours in the middle of the night during a weekend full of drunks on the road, chilling in the park at 2-3am. they didn't care.
The emotional withdraw with depression and HOPLESS feeling feels like till be that way forever. Just like the good times didn't last, the bad times won't last as well. It WILL shift damnit. And for the better. Soemthing WILL click and lift off you. You'll experience a good life without the toxic CRAP.
Once drama, red flags , behaviour that robs you of your peace starts happening, run , get out.
There's a quote that I found very helpful when sorting out who should have access to my life and who shouldn't and it goes something like this:
"Never forget the people who helped you in hard times,
the people who left you in hard times,
and the people who put you in hard times."
Relationships only really fit into those three categories when it comes to figuring out who is reliable, consistent, authentic, and present in your life.
Hi Louisa, great quote. Can you remember who it was by?
Thank you, Louisa, for this wise reminder. God bless!! 😊💕🙏
@@gill426 usually one is character trait is prevalent.
I've had a person do ALL 3,what's that even mean?
@A M it can't be that 3, that person was inconsistent and that's why you supposedly feel you can't put them on a category. Be objective
When someone wants to be with you, you’ll know, because they are with you❤️❤️❤️❤️💚💚💚💚✨✨✨ty Anna🎄🎄
LOL... obvious and perfectly true. :)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I think I’ve commented this b4.....in high school when I was suffering over some nincompoop my older brother said “if a guy wants to see you, he’ll call you”.....took me years, but I finally got it😍
@@godzillamanstreb524 there are people myself included that become fixated on the rejection i remember clearly all the guys that rejected me more than the guys who liked me
"It doesnt matter who we attract, it matters who we end uo getting together with." I felt that...
Trauma bond with a Borderline/Narc. Bottom line: Healthy people don't act like Angela. He got tricked. No shame, it can happen to anyone who doesn't know the Red Flag signs! Tough lesson, but it highlights his own childhood trauma that allowed him to put up with Angela's nonsense. Go No Contact and remember Time Heals All Wounds.
Tricked is also unhelpful. There's a pattern at play here & a dynamic that both people interact with. Acknowledgement, compassion & faith that it can be changed and you deserve more is hopeful & inspiring
Time definitely dissent heal me at all. My trauma has ruined my life. People just like to say words that sounds semi true
@@KAT-dg6el yes that quote is partially true...time can be a healer as long as you are doing the WORK to heal..CPTSD book by Pete Walker is a good start. So is working with a trauma recovery coach and/or a trauma-informed therapist, somatic work and practices (trauma is stored in the body until it is worked out).
lol ...YUUP!!!
How do we lump borderlines and narcs together? I detach from myself a lot and have borderline symptoms but i have tons of empathy and guilt, narcs dont have those feelings
Perfect timing. 3 years trapped in hell well a guy who was constantly hot and cold, wanted me sometimes and then suddenly didn't. The pattern of intermittent reinforcement has made me addicted to him. 2 days ago he calls and says he doesn't want me, while the week before we had a lovely weekend together. I don't know how to break these emotional chains. Thank you so much Anna, these videos are amazing.
exactly what I have been going through.. exactly!!! I totally hear you...
You are better off alone! It took me 4,5 years to finally escape from a horrible narcissist, I thought I didn’t deserve better, that the dynamics would change if I did this or that, that he would change..hallucinations, they won’t. Block them from social media, email, telephone etc., and get your life back. Best of luck.
That behavior (his) in psychology is called splitting. It is very hard not to personalize and yes the intermittent reinforcement (highly addictive) causes that cognitive dissonance which is confusion and then causes splitting in you! You can’t see him in his fullness. Both as someone that loves bombs and treats you horrible. So we have to remember and not think in black-and-white that we get both of those behaviors from them. Splitting makes it so we only see one side at a time. So when they love bomb we turn off the logical side that sees the abusive behavior. It is a hard addiction to overcome but you can do it! And so you know their behavior is all about their own trauma and it’s their own psychological defense mechanism. This is not me defending them this is me explaining how their patterns work.
Please get professional help to stop allowing this person to use you. You gave him a chance. Too much of a chance. If you can't afford a therapist, maybe a friend will help you make the break. You probably have had several friends or family members tell you to walk away. Get a support system that will be there to help you through this. Begin by changing you telephone number. Or do not answer his messages/calls if you don't want to change your number. Go stay with a friend when he initiates contact. Move if you can. In other words, you have to put an end to his ability to reach you. In the meantime, meet new people. Make new friends and share casual fun to keep busy. Don't write him to tell him you don't intend to see him again. Simply do not talk to him, write him, acknowledge him in any way ever again. Get into a support group for codependents if possible. You can do it. The fact that you wrote this group and watched this video says you know something is wrong with you, not just him. You can't fix him. But you have realized he is toxic. Now realize you deserve better. Look on line for attachment theory videos. You probably learned to be attracted to his type as a baby. Good luck.
Could have possibly been attachment related issues , I tend to emotionally run when I'm hurt , Its obvious as soon as it happens and I know I need to try to talk about my emotions in a vulnerable enough way that leads to my GF making me feel safe . She is never intending to hurt me , trauma related . I just need about 15 minutes after the pain to process it and prepare the conversation in a functional way .
If I was you I'd probably break up if he can't explain what is happening , if he doesn't understand it , it will probably just keep happening .
Go totally "grey rock" on this woman! And then grieve the losses of yr inner child. That is what i did bc it didnt hv anything to do with the other person. When you allow emotional and mental abuse from others your inner child is hurting for love. Take some time to love on yourself; learn how to meet your own needs. This makes you resilient and immune to this kind of abuse and empowers you to be the love you are searching for. Then you can attract someone who is your healthy and equal match. Good luck, Mark!
Yaaass!!💕
You da real MVP thanks 👍😊
@@michaelcostello3460 😆 You're welcome!
Sounds like she wanted Friends with Benefits. She didn't want him but she wanted the option of his attention when she wasn't getting it from someone else.
🤔🙄💜💙💜
Yes, she definitely had him on the backbones, then the front, then the back...smh
The substances are called dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin 🤷🏻♀️❤️
I wonder why he left her alone at a festival. I think that triggered her and that’s when everything went downhill. To me she displays as someone with CPTSD. That back-and-forth behavior of hers can also be her own fears of whether or not she wants to be with him. Someone that we know left her alone at a festival! She may be really struggling with her own emotions over whether or not he is a good choice.
Yeah I don’t see her as being necessarily “bad” - she sounds like she has a lot of her own issues. I feel bad for her
It's odd to see people defending such obvious manipulation
A cocktail for insanity!
She may have stayed behind because she met sb else there and was hooking up. You never know. Im sure they discussed the length of their trip. At any rate, it is her job to express her feelings if that is the case. And she had ample opportunity to do that but instead she hooked him with emotional promises she didn't follow up on.
He was "love-bombed" and subjected to intermittent reinforcement........idealized and devalued. There was not a full no contact regime in place. His emotional thinking was conning him.
Oh oh oh had a relationship like this after my divorce from a passive aggressive covert narcissist. Oh oh oh the confusion. Push pull. Horrendous. After six months my heart was dismembered. I went no contact before I got sicker than I was. Adrenal fatigue. He died a year later. I was okay with that. Admitting that I was addicted to him was humbling to say the least. Free from narcs. Yay
How did he die?
Please don’t be angry at yourself; her behavior of; hot / cold, hovering (sucking you back in) bread crumbing and gaslighting, smear campaign ect is classic behavior of a narcissist. The way she was when you met wasn’t real, the traits you experienced however were real, the true her. It traps us and they know it. It’s abuse… the pain in intense… best to stay no-contact… it’s not always easy however we can’t heal while being manipulated…
Spot on the mark
Exactly. I just came out a very similar situation
Oh, Martin who "doesn't want to diagnose" should diagnose away because he got Cluster B'ed good and proper!
Things changed at the festival because she met someone else! Then she was on and off depending on how the new "thing" went! She behaved horribly- flouted Martin's boundaries, gaslit him and breadcrumbed him and ghosted- all mega-abusive.
She called "from a cafe" because she had a date there that didn't go well so she soothed her ego with attention from Martin- just awful.
She put on the Cluster B act of being a perfect fit- that word- "magical"- huge red flag- she just took on Martin's personality- because hers is disordered.
I feel so sorry for Martin- it is so hard to get past- until you really get your head around how deceitful and manipulative these people are- then it is so painful and so sad. He has done a great job of seeing how unhealthy this was and deciding to stay out of it- but he's hurt and confused and grieving.
It's so great that he has a very clear and healthy view of what he wants.
Best break down ever! Ima say borderline / narc ...I wish the world would wake up to these types. And thank you for having the courage to tell Martin to go ahead and diagnose - hell yes !
@@americasariesson1862yes, def bit of borderline in there-too disordered to be classic narc.
Hang in there! The feeling of wanting to answer these manipulative people back will go away 💪💪❤️❤️
Thanks for the support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy my pleasure! 😊
Block her & heal💔
100%
To everyone out there. You can heal, and you can and will get to the point where you won't stand for this any more.
My last relationship, last 2...was a mirror image of this letter, in some way. Once it ended I started meditating, practicing mindfulness, got on my yoga mat...and read some great books on Trauma. "The Body Keeps The Score"...can't recommend it enough.
Then...I started reprogramming my being by doing the things I never did before.
1. Never neglect the relationships to myself. Always look inward for validation...never outward.
2. I ask for what I need. Because I finally believe my needs are as important as my partner's. No more, no less.
3. Set boundaries, with everyone...even family members who were the cause of how I ended up where I was in relational patterns
4. No more people pleasing. That is an offshoot of boundaries. Once the boundaries are strong, you no longer feel the need to please. Not your responsibility.
5. Take things slooooooooooow
6. Reparent myself. I actually speak to my inner child, out loud. Tell him how much he's loved and valued...validate all the hurt he felt.
Where am I now? I can see these red flags from a MILE away. I used to equate anxiety with love. No more. Now, this kind of behaviour repulses me and I feel nothing. What used to be 'boring and uninteresting'...i.e. secure attachment styles and real love....I now find exciting, comforting, reassuring and attractive. And I did this in a little under 3 months.
I firmly....firmly believe that we attract a reflection of our inner state. And I'm so excited for the next relationship.
Congratulations and well put.
do you really think you are healed in 3 months?
@@mindfulminime7082 10 months, and yes. I'm awake...no turning back
right now i'ts coming up on 2 years in September...but 10 months later I met an incredible women and had a very healthy relationship for a year, that only ended because of distance. But when it ended I was like...oh so that's how those are supposed to feel when they end. Come across very few of these women since. I just don't attract them
This is a great comment, wish it was liked to the top
Oh my God when you said “just reading this, I felt the energy being sucked out of me” I’ve never related to anything more :( I actually had to take a break from this video and come back, and when I came back, that’s the first thing you said 😂 what a horrible situation. Thank you so much for examining these stories and helping us out. You’re a Godsend
I had to step away too Bc it hits close to home…wow! She is truly a treasure 🙏🏽💕
Me too!! So energy sucking!!!
Trauma bonds are so painful! They can however teach you about yourself and what to watch for in future relationships. I needed to revisit this video today. Lots of love for this channel!
Thank you for supporting the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I don't know if this is magnified by, or is a product of, social media, but this kind of behavior and these games seem to be commonplace in a way they weren't 10 or more years ago. And it's infecting all generations, Gen X and younger, at the same time.
It's a shock to find out that people we are really attracted to, aren't acting in good faith, and are deliberately using trauma bonding tactics. Those of us with old unaddressed trauma, don't want to believe it.
Thanks for this! It's really needed right now.
Because you can check social media for updates of them. Hell I was checking their moms page and the page for the team he coached to see updates. When I occasionally saw a picture with him in it, my brain would light up like I just won a gamble
You are 100% correct, it is absolutely horrible now. And I think it’s even worse for women!
@@Cranberries87 I'm not sure if this is gendered. I think there are polarities that may correlate with gender, but they may not. Maybe women experience trauma differently from men, or compensate differently, but I think this stuff is all rooted in old trauma, either way.
It seems like trauma leaves us vulnerable, and perpetrators can see the vulnerability, whoever we are.
Social media is also a way for manipulators to collect intel.
Of course, the manipulators are probably also the products of trauma. And sometimes we are them, or it's multidirectional. Everyone is messing around with everyone else, and due to trauma and the way it distorts our thoughts and feelings, it's possible none of us even knows it while we're doing it!
If I wrote this in a way that anyone can follow, that's what I meant by "these games."
I dissagree with you, Barry. I think it's always been there, but social media makes it more evident, and somehow that's a good thing, because we can see it and call it out as bad behaviour. I went trough this for years when I was younger and the internet wasn't even a thing in my country. I knew something was off, but couldn't point out what, because everything looked "perfect" in the surface, so I thought I was broken for being unhappy. Spending time on the internet years later taught me what happended to me was emotional abuse, and how to avoid it.
Lots of us, but especially women, are socialized to "make things work out", and that's how we end up in this awful relationships. It's good to know that we're not alone and that we can heal.
@@Dan_Chiron Oh yeah, I know that homo sapiens didn't suddenly change with the advent of Facebook or anything.
I just think it seems more widespread. But yeah, maybe that is just because now we see it more, not because there's more of it.
“don’t ask for it, declare it.” YES! we have power!
Arguably our entire cultural concept of romance is founded on limerance. I enjoy listening to troubadour love songs from the Middle Ages, but I've come to see how unhealthy their idea of love was. Our very use of the words "romance" and "romantic" show how much our culture is still tied to archaic notions and expectations of drama and emotional sadomasochism.
Romance is merely trauma bonding.
Listen to country music, it's all codependency!
I realize that now, too, as an adult. All the music I've listened to over the years on the radio is limerance, trauma bonds, and codependency.
@@lilafeldman8630 And don't get me started on movies...
Yes, that's what I have noticed too
Country music is basically a descendant of all those troubador songs.
Talking marriage too soon is a huge red flag. Always ends in hurt. Also, those cut offs are never easy no matter what position you're in.
He sent a very abrupt breakup text. I sent two loving texts to give myself closure. Then blocked him and went no contact. You never want to send a abusive text to someone. You always want your last words to anyone even your enemies to be kind so when and if something was to happen to them you have no regrets.
The words should be honest rather than kind. You will never regret speaking your truth
Better to be dignified in defeat and keep your standards. If you're abusive you give that person justification for their behaviour. If you leave on a kind note you show maturity and compassion. Weeks, months, years later they will remember you and realise what a good person they hurt and lost. They have to live with those regrets whilst you are living your life and healed.😊
I just recived a message from my ex , which get me so emotional , I think this is a sign
I cried my eyes out listening to the guy's story, maybe it is because I've recently experienced something similar. I have decided to cut it off completely and as hard as it felt, I can't be more proud of myself. That liberating feeling is a blessing. Thank you so much for this video, it definetely responded to many of my questions and confirmed the way I should approach things in the future. 🙏
She was probably “triangulating” with the FB pics…i.e. making another guy(s) jealous. Unfortunately, I understand this all too well. I wish that I didn’t, but “possible” NPD usually includes triangulation and using SM makes that very easy. 😞
I was thinking same thing. And when she thought she got the guy she really wanted she wld go cold on him. And when the guy she wanted wasnt really interested she wld come back. Smh...possible scenario.
I wonder if my ex did that to me, our one on one/private communication wasn’t good nor stable as he wasn’t engaging at all and often left me on read but every other day he tweeted and posted on IG about me, from the first week on. I wonder if that was a mix of love bombing and triangulation since he has a harem of women in his IG and Twitter.
Social media is a narcissist’s Nirvana.
@@SS-dy4tk say it again louder for the folks in the back of the room!
Totally. That's what I was thinking. Ugh
It took 2 solid years of ignoring my BPD ex's contact attempts (calls, texts, letters, messages relayed via other people) before he finally stopped. Don't think you're being rude when you ignore them. They are the rude one when they attempt to breach your boundaries.
What I love about the host reaction is that she’s using humor but she’s not dismissive . It’s done in the perfect way. It allows the person and the listener to feel like they’re not alone in their humanity and also that there’s hope after relapse.
It’s a lot of work to undo patterns that were passed down for many generations. Just because we now have a new word for these things ,”trauma bond”, “nervous system hijack” etc mean we can instantly do right . Thank you for this community. I’ll have to say some days it’s actually triggering and I know it’s not day to watch a video other days it’s very helpful.
I have a relationship in my life with similar elements. For me, not posting about my relationship was about shame. I didn't want my friends and family knowing or even imagining the kind of love crumbs I accept.
If you are struggling with accepting breadcrumbs, I can't recommend the 'Dating & Relationships' course enough courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
No matter who we attract what matters is our boundaries
Thanks a lot
Anna, I just adore you so much!!!!! Every session feels like having coffee with a good friend. Someone that loves you enough to tell you facts rather than want you want to hear. You have taught me so much. I am NOT broken. Thank you for not binging on netflix. And ALWAYS bringing such great truths.
Thanks so much for supporting the Fairy :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Exactly, this was done to me. Roller Coaster rides increased, hot/cold, and “I’m not relationship material”.
I gave her grace in the beginning and noticed her moodiness.
I was hopeful and she was also apologetic.
I’m working on getting over her.
She is trying every tactic in the book said the Fairy😊💛. I ve been through the same treatment and stayed for 6 years in an awful relationship with a covert borderline narcissist
I've been doing this for over 20 years with my husband. I've been able to recognize that I trauma bonded with him before marriage. It's been 20 years of this kind of back and forth and I still can't bring myself to end it because the times he shows loving behavior I'm hooked and feel like I owe him the opportunity to show he's changed. (& yes I struggle with my mental health & feel like he uses it against me at times) I am so conflicted.
21yr Marriage. The only hope and relief that has come to me is through that of establishing a relationship with Jesus Christ. I was brought to the difficult choice of accepting forgiveness in order to be forgiven. The Lord offered ME salvation and I tried to us it to pray away my sinful spouses sins! It was I who needed to get out of the way! So, I allowed my narcissistic husband to take on our children and focusing fulltime on my relationship with the Lord who is my strength. Through Him I can do all things.
Your bad mental health is a resulf ot his treatment and the trauma bond. When i was trauma bonded or emotionally abused i wanted to die so badly, was very depressed.
Addiction, has many forms. My ex GF was addicted to saying hurtful things, then observing the outcome. Would I stay, get upset, leave? The drama, and yes, the joy of denigration to someone that, cared for her. If I stayed, it would elevate her, in the sense, she could be mean, so she must be so important (attractive), she could do that and get away with it. Ms. Crappy Childhood Fairy, has a great common sense narrative that is easy to follow, vs the DSM/Phd types that need to put an obscure label on everything that is actually, a wild guess, and really, meaningless to the person going through it.
Yess!! Covert narcissist
She was definitely a narcissist!! Sounds like my ex!! The love bombing and the discard is so real and confusing!! Well done for writing in and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!!! I love you crappy childhood fairy !! Your videos are so real and healing xxx
Definitely a narcissist 😩
Mine got me at the failure of my marriage, and I got sucked in during my divorce year. He toyed with me for fun. I felt like the mouse in a game of cat and mouse. He wanted me, he didn't want me, then he'd taunt me, then be desperate for me. He'd let me believe, then slap me down, and my self worth was so low at that point that I was clamoring for attention and affection. My boundaries were weak and he crushed what was left of them, because "the more you hurt,. the more you love". I was absolutely addicted to him and determined to prove my love and make him better. I was sooooo wrong. A naive ragdoll. I was self-destructive. I hate that I trounced after him for so long. And I'm devastated that my Dad didn't give me the inner strength that I needed to resist. If I had had a better Dad, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. I'm lucky I didn't get more involved with him than I was. It was a grace that he let me go. I didn't want to watch this video right away cuz I didn't want to revisit these emotions, but clearly I still need healing from it. So sad for Martin. But I know what he feels. Best thing is no contact. It will take time. Avoid anything that reminds you of her. When you're ready, date someone else. It'll help you move on. It'll never go back to how it was before, but you will learn to live with it I think, like grief, like an injury. You're not the only one who's experienced this. You're not alone. Vampire is the right word.
So appreciate your kind support
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@gill426 Thank you
This is so powerful and I needed to hear it: “if it’s your power, nobody has to let you be in it.”
Really glad to have watched this. It felt so validating to hear her say that letting a relationship unfold over the course of 1.5-3 years was reasonable and healthy. Confirms that I was moving at a fair pace- not too slow at all. Slow burn over a raging forest fire.
Thank you Anna for the video, it is really educative and graphic. The worst thing for me was that I didn't even realise I was being abused. I just knew I felt bad all the time. That is what you become when parents do not teach you how to love yourself and you think that abuse is a normal way of relating to others. Once I started going to therapy I realised I was my own problem and now I have tools when dealing with abusers...(and my conditioning to them). Abusers are really predictive once you learn their tactics and you can really feel so empowered knowing you can stand up to yourself.
Wow. I could so relate to this! Just ended a relationship very very similar to this. I never thought of it as a limerance really, it hit me more like a cognitive dissonance. Especially when I knew better than to get in relationship with this person, I just had a feeling. Well I was right! Going with my gut instinct is a big lesson for me as well as sticking with my boundaries. Martin and I sound like we're cut from the same cloth... I'm sure many here can relate to his situation. I am sick to death of meeting meeting people who gaslight, love bomb, manipulate and are narcissistic. I swear I've seen it all. How nice would it be to meet someone who gets this language, who gets trauma bonding, who gets you and who would never dream of hijacking you in any way! Sign me up for that group! Lol 😆
Same!
This video almost made me cry. I could relate so much with a toxic relationship I had. I blocked him right away after the hateful, childish behavior. I tried to look at it as a wake up call since I’ve had one toxic relationship after another. I so want to heal and have an adult relationship.
This is EXACTLY what I just went through. Same things about Facebook, confusion for years, just now realizing I was just played. The last lie(s) gave me the strength to walk. Trying to heal.... very difficult, but I understand. Thank you for VALIDATING it. Seriously... I needed that..
I deleted Fakebook a year ago January…never felt better. My family lives out of state…oh well. Self preservation is important.
This is also the problem when people are either not open and/or in places, and/or don't know how to communicate and/or in awareness and/or contexts and of experiences, too?
Forgiveness for people's current (dis)abilities are also key, but also not an excuse, if it can be helped, even if only at a distance, if we consider how voluntary things are, currently?
When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time
Yes, dont lie to yourself. Trust your gut. Be logical.
I’ve had a couple situations since I got discarded 5 months ago that let me know my healing was beginning. One was a professional collaboration for mutual benefit that went off the rails when I attempted to make a plan. The other party lost it on me, accusations and wildly bizarre behavior followed that left me thoroughly confused. Another incident recently where I started talking to a prospective woman to date. She got really pushy-pully with me early on, gaslighting and inappropriate suggestions about the future. There’s a lot of wounded people out there who go into dysregulation when challenged or held to account in even a minor way. Now I recognize it and don’t take these incidents personally. You can have my sympathy, but not my time or emotional energy. F*** these people, sorry but I’m not your huckleberry. I wish you peace ✌️
"I don't even know which woman to grieve..." I so deeply understood that, the truth sir, is that you need to grieve YOURSELF for getting fooled and pulled in, for losing yourself and to find that again and a sense of trust in yourself. *
* Stated with tons of compassion.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Martín, if you’re reading the comments, just know you’re not alone. I went through a VERY similar situation with a man who knew he didn’t want anything serious with me, got a thrill from charming me and watching me fall for him without any desire or plan to reciprocate. I took me YEARS to get over him. But one thing that truly helped me was 1. Grieving, as you mentioned, the person you thought they were. It’s as if they died, so cry and mourn. 2. Making a list of all the ways they mistreated you and constantly reading and writing that list over and over and adding to it where necessary. - This step is essential because we tend to have euphoric recall and only dwell on the “good times”. You must remind yourself daily of the harm and pain they caused you. 3. Using that list to ACCEPT who they are. They are not going to change. Whatever charm they used on you initially was FAKE and it will NEVER be real. It was a lure and a trap to get their needs met without any regards to your needs. So think about if you want this insane back and forth, painful push and pull and breadcrumbs, because that’s all it will ever be. 4. Get MAD. Get ANGRY. Imagine if some stranger was treating a female or male relative this way. Imagine if they were being strung along and used and you saw it. Wouldn’t it make you angry? Wouldn’t you be disgusted and tell that loved one “Leave that crappy person alone! They don’t really care about you! You’re hurt and it’s because of them!” Now, feel that for yourself. See them for what they are - selfish, self centered, shallow, a user, reckless with your heart, the most precious thing a person can give another person. I’ll end with a quote from Bob Marley that stuck with me: “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” Applies to women too.
Thank you so much for sharing your support with Martin. Appreciate you being here. - Ashley @ Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you more, Team Fairy!
THANK YOU Anna!! I can’t get over the timing of your video. I am REALLY struggling with reliving all the good memories of my ex after 7 YEARS of a toxic and addictive dynamic. So much of this story resonates, though he didn’t have all the narcissistic tendencies. He could be so kind and loving. But….Definitely avoidant and much like Angela he would tell me how much he wanted to heal and work through his issues and request compassion and empathy when I would break things off. And I would let him back in with boundaries set and he would follow them…for a few months . The main issue was our values didn’t align. He wanted to move in and get married AFTER his kids graduated high school. That was 4 yrs ago and his son is now a senior. I thought I was fine with that (not really) but after awhile I realized I made assumptions and he actually didn’t want me to have a relationship with his children. He didn’t value family the same as I did and when all was said and done, he didn’t want to be apart of my children’s lives either. He would say so, but would engage with them minimally. So we’d go through another round!!! Rinse, wash, repeat.
There was enough intermittent reinforcement of future faking and promises made of marriage and blending lives to convince myself (and probably himself too) that the fantasy of what he was promising was just a fantasy. We were supposed to move in together in a few months and we were planning to get married. But I was the one making the plans for us. It’s like he would agree to things but then sabotage or say that those were not the details he agreed to. I feel like what “sobered” me up from this addiction and toxic dynamic was the reality and empty space of not truly living daily life and actually blending families. After 7 years, I would think he would be sure about this and just do it …but there was always a “not yet”…still enough breadcrumbs and chemistry to keep me hooked with minimal actions to support us moving in that direction of engagement etc. It’s so challenging to describe this dynamic and make sense of it, not to mention the energy draining and confusion. Like you said…If someone wants to be with you, they will. If someone wants to build a life with you, they will and take their partners feelings in to consideration . It’s been a couple of months since I’ve engaged with him and we had couples therapy the last week we were together and he did gaslight me in therapy and told our therapist we had all these plans in place, which was not true. I was completely flooded and felt so unsafe after that. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think Dr. Stan Tatkin said in his book “We Do”, that knowing your partners trauma and triggers is a love language.
So, lately it’s been especially hard affirming this constant “do not engage with him” mantra with the holidays arriving. (my mom passed away on Christmas 2008, so this time of year can be a lot of emotional processing). This video has helped me make more sense of what I am needing to grieve and heal. I know with support like this channel and community, I am able to maneuver with more ease and shift what I will tolerate and what’s best for me and my children. I can choose differently this time. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DETOX HIM! Washing him out of my hair! 🤣This is the longest I’ve gone with no contact and it’s soooo painful!! Thank you for reading to those who’ve gotten this far!
Big healing hugs to all of you going through this. I see you and hear you. I wish us all healing and hope for the partnerships we truly deserve and desire. ♥️♥️✨
Big healing hug to you, too!💕
Laura, very hard story. Thanks for sharing and I sense it will help open someone's eyes. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a healthy new year.
Right there w u. 8yr relationship :(
Wow, what an amazing description of trauma bonding. I was involved with someone just like this person, I never could understand how I got so attached. Thank you.
To me, it sounds like she was trauma bonded to him and not the other way round. He was triggering something in her that was making her try to protect herself from him and move away from him, but she wasn't able to walk away from him completely. She sounds like a traumatized person who wasn't ready for a relationship, but he was somehow able to hook her. Could very well be that he's actually the narcissist and he's trying to use the advice here to gaslight or manipulate her that she was the problem.
I get a creepy feeling from his letter. The way he ended things with her reminds of a narcissist's discard, and the way she's desperate to try to make things work out reminds of someone who's still trauma-bonded to him. Something in this case feels off! He might very well be the manipulator in this case.
He's trying to paint her as a crazy person... I think he was the one who had power over her and he gets a power trip from manipulating the Fairy to affirm him!
"Oxygen from the outside world." I really like that. I'm involved with a woman in a relationship with strong resemblances to this one; trauma bond for sure.
And numerous times I've lamented that we haven't had enough outside perspectives on her, and on her and I. We've been very isolated, where it's mostly all private between her and I.
I think it's healthy to be around others more, because it helps individuals keep perspective on themselves and the relationship, by contrast, around other people, and by feedback from them also. Family and friends who can see dynamics that you might rationalize away or whatnot.
When a relationship is abusive, keeping away others is part of that, for these reasons, to have a tunnel vision between only you and them, very important to gaslighting. Other people would quickly identify the bullshit and call it out.
"When somebody wants to be with you, how you'll know is because they are with you cause they don't wanna risk losing you."
There's hope for the girl too right? 😔 Perspective switch-Im the girl in this story. I would blow up my boyfriend's phone because "he hadn't been clear enough that he needed space" and I would feel like since he didn't tell me he was going to ghost me that he should give me the respect to respond and it drove me insane. I never did the FB photo thing, I never was trying to see other guys, and I genuinely loved him, but I did the push pull mechanism constantly, among other things described. After hearing this, and reading the comments, I think I'm fearful avoidant and It seems like I treated him like shit and I didn't even realize it. He's the one who sent me this video. I've only been in abusive relationships and I guess now I'm the abusive one. I really, really don't want to be that person, I want to be capable of a healthy relationship. Thanks for this video...I'm heartbroken and crushed, but I'll be getting therapy because I really, really want to love and bring people I love up, not down because I'm an insecure asshole. Ive never felt so bad.
What you are saying here is beautiful, and can one day be the turning point in the story of how you transformed your life!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Aw thank you! This video was a big eye opener so I'll be directing people to this video, ha! Thanks again, I think you've helped change both of our lives.
@Jennifer Richards
Not judgemental, just curious: What does a person like the girl in the letter or - as you said yourself - you think while doing such unreasonable things like saying lovely things - being really "in love" on one day and being terribly cold and abusive on the other ?
What a scary thing to realize about yourself. And very bold of you to own it. I hope things are going well for you!
@@jenniferrichards3167 Heidi Priebe has a great video called "What to do when you realize you're the toxic one." Might make a nice next step...
You're very good at analysing but what I like most about you is your tenderness. I wish I could have a friend like you. 🍀
You can have a lot more Anna access in our membership program :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Im a little unsettled my last relationship is being described through a letter I've never written.
@36:14
"a form of Limerence with somebody you actually did have a relationship with, but you're having a romance with the idea ... of that her, of that you, of that couple"
Oh my god get out of my head. My recent fantasies of my ex contacting me and telling me I am special to her and that she has grown from our relationship and break up and maybe we can try again slowly...
I'm addicted. "compartmentalizing abusive relationships"
"how she treats you is unacceptable"
Thanks so much CCF.
May all beings find peace.
I’ve felt like I sacrifice all my critical reasoning skills to be in these relationships. Like my gut is screaming but I have to rationalize behaviors. It’s exhausting just listening to this.
Smelling like a duck! I'm just grateful I can see these things now. I didn't know about trauma bonding and the affect it was having on me. It can be stealthy but I'm catching it better. They never stop; it doesn't get better. It is a huge source of rumination. Believe me, they are NOT wasting their time on it.
The ruminating is horrible, I agree that they are not thinking about us, they've moved on to their next victim.
I’m addicted to watching videos about toxic relationships
This is so true. The sad thing is this type of relationship also exists in situationships where there it's equally hard, if not harder because oftentimes in situationships more often that not, we're left wondering about the what-ifs or what could have been, which in and of itself is very unhealthy.
If it's meant to be, it would have been.
the phrase "being strung along" springs to mind. Definitely playing him good.
In my life I've realised that I've gotten fed up coming across such people. They always enter my life no matter how much I actually try to avoid such interactions. It's so tiring for me that good potential spouses are far away and never near. 😢💔
"this is not about love...you know that? ...this is about...consumption." Wonderful line! It is draining just to hear you read this letter! My god, there is a time to recognize one is being manipulated like a puppet and say ENOUGH. I left two crappy relationships when younger; yes, it was painful but it was also exhilarating to liberate myself from their abuse and inability to show reasonable respect. Interestingly, both tried to get me back but no, I was OUT. I knew I was just being used so I made my decision and declared my independence day. One last thing: have you ever noticed that there is one quality missing from these jerks and abusers? A sense of humor! My abuser as a child had no sense of humor, was no fun, no warmth, so I had to become aware I was attracting the same type of person for a relationship. Isn't his all so much fun? LOL!
👏🏼💝
I watch Taylor Nicole Dean and she compared a lot of her habits as a victim of codependency and abusive partnerhood to her struggle and addiction to heroin. It felt validating to my struggle, finding myself in emotionally abusive too often 💔
It's the same thing, just a different substance
This sounds almost identical to what I went through. Same kind of time frames and everything. Right down to wanting to have a relationship where we learn and grow together. And how “communication” was of the utmost importance.
Prior having more of a “whatever” approach with relationships.
The push and pull... coming after me like a zombie when I finally had enough and couldn’t take it anymore...
I did give her another chance. And paid for it.
I didn’t fall for the hoovering the next time.
A lot more narcissistic abuse traits though... but other than that, almost identical situation.
This is pure gold. Thank you. I've been following you for a while now. Every single one of your videos has helped me immensely and continues to help me. Especially after I broke a very long period of no contact last year because of a death in his family. Although it may not have been a mistake to break no contact, given what happened, I have been pulled back into his manipulations. Waking up to reality again and breaking the toxic bond by radical acceptance of the reality that he will keep hurting me, over and over again. No more vampirism.
This was such a helpful video. Thank you to the person who wrote in and Anna for her thoughts. I’ve been in a similar situation. I am one month no contact and focusing on my healing.🙏🙏❤️❤️
How absolutely true! It’s been 6 years and I’m still combing thru our interactions on the daily searching for ways I could have sidestepped his quicksand of abuse. I wish I would recoil and feel repulsed given I now know how Machiavellian his intentions were. Instead I continue to live in my fantasies, longing for who he pretended to be.
Two people that need to heal their childhood wounds..Both caught up in limerence and on toxic hope.
Brilliant video. Wish I had watched this years ago when I experienced something similar. Wise advice.
One important thing I have learned from these videos is the importance of setting and keeping boundaries.
I have been so broken and rejected at one time I would have and did accept anything for the chance of feeling accepted or loved. I'm alone now do not see that changing but I am able to open my eyes to red flags more.
This is why I feel I'm better off not to be on a relationship...
emotional anorexia doesn't equal healing.
Same here. I feel like I will attract people like them. Who needs another perplex merry go round.
Yeah likewise I’ll never date again.
@@kelenl5033 yup, the narcissistic merry go round never ends unless you get off it and run far away from it. HG Tudor has some excellent videos on this.
@@theadventuresofemily_ I refuse to give a psychopath my attention and him views Melanie Tanya Evens is excellent and she’s not a human predator
I've been through this many times, in both positions, and it's never easy. I know that pull, and it's so hard to break, no matter which side of the equation you're on.
It is! That's why Anna has a whole course devoted to it :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my!! Sounds so much like my experience with my narc!! It’s extremely difficult to get fully rehabilitated from this addiction. They definitely have mastered the art of victimizing innocent, trusting, loving empaths. I’m still trying to be free from this unbelievably cruel situation. Almost in my fourth year. God help us 🙏🙏
4 years healing is great work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Not easy coz I always relapse/backslide and have to start from zero again. But listening to podcasts like these help me go back up again. Plus prayers, of course!
I thought it was just bpd made more exposed to be attracted to narcassits,blinded by red flags very unstable relationships,toxic relationships i never knew c ptsd was the same. I am diagnosed and since watching you,my life is making sense with the diagnosis ❤
Glad you're here!
Julie@TeamFairy
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Martin, you deserve wayyyy better!!
That's so gaslighty to be like "we're not breaking up" at that time yikes.
You have given away ur power and ur fate to another person. Rings true for me
Doesn't have to stay like that though :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've been listening to your videos for a few weeks now, but this morning I've binged quite a few in a row and I find myself in tears. I really feel for the people who write in to you, and it makes me realise how damaged I really am, and how much I'm scared of even beginning to heal.
You are so amazing
Sounds like she met someone at that festival 🤔
Did anyone else think that right off the bat?
Absolutely
Or reconnected with
Yes, emotionally draining letter. The problem is that she, "Anna", is "normal" meaning CONSIDERATE at times when you think she will be off the rails. For example, texting she got your letter & will get back with you...very calm, very emotionally mature. Then later calling to say she won't be answering the letter. Anyone who I have sent a letter to or set a boundary, has retaliated with either anger or belittling me or my thought
process.
OMG, I'm learning SO much from you. I feel like so many of these stories are like my past relationship. I had no idea about love bombing and trauma bonding until I experienced it. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
Anna, I love you videos. Your voice is so gentle and caring, and your advice is always spot on. I don’t have a sister, but if I did I would hope she was just like you. Martin’s letter really resonated with me. I sympathize with him. I’m thinking I will seek some therapy after the holidays for my issues. I haven’t seen the man that I have feelings of limerence for in 2.5 years, yet I still hold on to the tiny grain of hope that he will one day come back. I’m in my late 40s, so time is slipping away for me. I need to move on, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. Wish me luck. 🙏
Good luck, Wendy! Stay strong, 2.5 years is making so much headway 💖
@@brooklynn5146 thank you so much. But I’m afraid the only reason I haven’t seen him is bc he doesn’t want to see me. There is never a waking moment that he isn’t somewhere in my thoughts (whether in the background or the forefront). I’ve started to do a lot of thinking about my childhood and what if anything might have predisposed me to connections like this. The only comparable feelings were those I had for my ex husband. But we’ve been divorced for 21 years now. But this has been infinitely harder to overcome. And in fact, I haven’t. I wanted to know him. Really know him. But he didn’t seem to want to know anything about me. I think that hurts as much as anything. No one has ever cared to know me. I feel pretty worthless. Like I say…I have lots to cover in therapy. 🤦🏻♀️
@@wendyhutchinson457 I know how you feel, Wendy, we long for sb to finally be interested in us, and not in what they can profit from. We need to stay strong and support each other because the weird thing is that I can tell your great qualities like good heart, intelligence and strength from this small comment but struggle to see my own. That’s what we have been gaslit (in our childhood or intense past experiences) into, and if there’s nothing else we can do we can realise this and support each other so that, hopefully, we get to see and truly incorporate the real us behind the lies that others unfortunately managed to make us believe about ourselves. I’m sending you a big hug.
@@chrisg7795 thank you so much. Sometimes it’s the knowing that I’m certainly not alone in my situation that keeps me going. I wish for us all to find peace in wherever life takes us. 🙂
This video is an excellent reminder. I went through a relationship that warped my sense of reality. I'm one year out, and as I heal my wounds I struggle with the addiction of maybe I did things wrong. I'm learning the things I did wrong were different than the things he did, and it doesnt have to leave me thinking I'm broken. We uncover a lot about ourselves through removing ourselves from a trauma bond, and it may not be pretty. To anyone who is struggling, learn to listen to yourself again. Learn to find who you are, and what you want to be. Listen to yourself when you see red flags.
The part about no contact is painful, but true. All you have to do is explicitly say "I am done with having contact with you" that is vital if you desire to get a restraining order later.(I learned that from the Sheriff's office)
Very wise advice. Thank you. Wishing you healing and happiness as you move forward in your life. And I hope you never have to go through this again 💗
This sounds so much like my last "situationship". It was horrible. He was blowing hot and cold all the time, hoovering me back in, deliberately not replying to me, cancelling plans at the last minute, saying he cares more for me than he has anyone in a long time, but then said he didn't love me. I was constantly confused...he created limerance and it was all I could think about. It was so painful but I broke free and went no contact. I have to see him many days of the week as our children go to the same school, but we don't speak at school pick up. I would love to say I am completely over it. I'm not. It's 7 months ago when I broke free and I still miss the good times with him. However he really isn't well, and I have come to accept that nothing will change. I am getting ready to move on x
Been here too. Sounds like borderline bpd. It’s rollercoaster ride that I’m getting thru myself. Confusion, heartache and self loathing. The playlist is a marker.
Be warned. Beware. Be gone.
I was asked by someone who knew I was in a relationship that was horrible. They asked me if I thanked them...and my first thought was what the %@#$! But after thinking about it I realized I learned some many of my issues and my part of being there. But listening to your videos along with others, and reading as much as I could to understand. Sadly more people were hurt by this persons actions. They were toxic. It was hard like you brought out as an addition. I would do the same thinking as alcoholic use, 5 minutes at a time and hold on to not make contact. And when I wanted to reach out sit and think what is the outcome I’m looking to get from reaching out.at the end of thinking it always came back that it was to make the person be the person I wanted them to be. We fall in love with potential. Not who they are and that potential maybe our perception of them, if you wait long enough they will show you who they are, then believe them.
Thanks for the videos!
Appreciate your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel this very much. Having just ended a relationship with a very immature man whom i had doubts cohabitating with and thankfully did not; im very pragmatic and cynical about the idea of cohabitation in a relationship. Im 32 with my own home and the idea of dealing with such a complicated things is not appealing in the least bit.
"I'm just calling to let you know I won't be responding" .that is horrendous.
I can't even listen to the letter a second time, I feel my energy being drained by this situation. I just hope this man is able to free himself from this relationship. All I can say is that leaving, no matter how painful is what he needs to do.... don't expect it will be easy, take it one moment at a time when things are tough and really try not to communicate with her...it is like an alcoholic trying not to have a drink. Also, don't do this to your kids, get out from under this situation.
Well said, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Based on the letter, it sounds like she has more of an addiction to him than the other way around. At least, he sees and knows there's a problem. Hopefully CC Fairy's advice gives him the reassurance he's looking for and needing right now to let that situation go. ❤️
I agree!
I went through something similar. My ex would keep me a secret on social media and said she wanted things kept private however she posted about everyone and everything in her life. Thinking back the red flag was slapping me in the face.
Wow! It sounds like you were telling my story. When I realized his toxicity I told him I wanted no contact, that it was best for both of us to just not talk to each other anymore. And then the texting started, first saying it was okay, then bashing me and telling me I was a narcissist and then after a day he would text me again and send me pictures. It has not let up. But I'm not responding to him and then he'll go for a week and not text me and then he starts up again trying to hook me back in. Even something simple like he hopes that I'm okay and doing good. I don't respond even though sometimes I want to just to tell him how I'm doing. But I know that I can never talk to him again because it would open the door. Thank you so much for sharing these videos!
Stay strong!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. I also was in a trauma bond. I was the anxious and she was the avoidant. Constant hot cold push pull, etc. what happened was horrible.