How To Get Over The END Of A Relationship With A Narcissist (Breaking The Trauma Bond)
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
- Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
www.eventbrite.ie/e/how-to-ma...
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0:02 Stating Today's Topic
1:55 What Does It Mean To Be Trauma Bonded?
4:18 How Can You Break The Trauma Bond?
9:18 You Have To Regularly Acknowledge How You Feel
15:29 You Have To Move Away From The Story
16:28 Why You Need To Heal Your CPTSD Part 1
21:14 Why You Need To Heal Your CPTSD Part 2
22:28 If You Do The Work, You'll Have Your Results
25:48 Wrapping Up
How awesome that you posted times for the different segments, as links. Never noticed if you do this on your other videos, but it was great for me with this one, as I wanted to re-listen to parts of it.. Thank you for making it so easy.
WHAT is the website to which u r referring?
So excited! Thank you!!!
Susan Washington yeah I didn’t catch the website either
RICHARD GRANNON ...Thank you. I am ready. I watched this video (and many others) several years ago but wasn’t quite there. Despite your suggestion, I did not unsubscribe. This time round, I really heard you, it all made sense, I know I Am Ready. To Infinity and Beyond 🗽
What broke the bond for me was realizing that he could not change. He was physically and mentally unable to be any different than he was. We would never be able to grow, we couldn't move past it together, he would never change. He couldn't give me closure. He couldn't actually love. It just was what it was and I could go on like that forever or accept the way he was and walk away. Clean break.
Same here. He WAS the break. end of story.
once we realize that we can save ourselves from endless misery and years of suffering.
so, what then holds us back?
that's something that needs to be examined. with brutal honesty.
Same!..... but didnt broke the bond yet 🥲
Same here. For a second I thought you lived my experience and transcribed my thoughts. It was exactly at the moment I realised that he wasn’t going to step up, he wads t going to grow up, I left. That was then I realised I’ve wasted a decade of my life waiting around patiently.
Exactly.
😢
I cant actually talk to anyone about how my relationship is with a narcissist. Because, they wouldn't understand or believe me. And if they did, I'd look like a fool for having stayed in it so long. So. I look at videos like yours to confirm my sanity. You have been an awesome help!!!!
People don't understand it , you look and sound like a lunatic
Validation does help. Knowing you're not weak, you're not naive, the usual suspects we get IF anyone even listens. I gave up trying to get anyone to understand. They ain't been there they ain't gonna get it and they ain't gonna care. It's cost me friends but after what I've been through I don't much care. You're so not alone and vulnerable narcassists dont have much interest in those who are weak-willed or boring. It was tough and humbling to have to tell my family Hey, that amazing guy who thought I was so incredible and wanted to marry me, yadda yadda yadda? He was abusive. I'm done with him and oh, I'm badly damaged on top of it. The response has been basically, Huh, of course nobody that great would want you, get over it, and you can't possibly be that damaged. We are all we have. Ourselves and those others who have stepped in this minefield of pretty flowers. Be well, love yourself, let go of anyone ain't getting it. We've done the impossible and that makes us mighty!
Thank you:
1. Healing from codependency
2. Healing from CTPSD
3. Healing emotional flashbacks
I’m with you!!
Me too...horrendous dreams
God is dreaming part of it it's been 5 yrs and I'm bascksesting my relationship with actually pnlt normal good guy and doesn't feel good to me xx
About time !!!! I am 56, had a demanding mom and now a narcissist husband for 30 years !! ENOUGH ! E N O U G H !!!!!!
I want to live !
God bless you 🙏
Wery similar here. 48. Mum was a litlle baby narc in conparance with my "partner" with whom I am in 32 yrs in "partnership" and 20 yrs in marriage...ENOUGH!!! I really finaly want to live!
His 30 day challenge is remarkable.
Sorry ma’am ......
You are so right. PTSD is real. The abuse made my brains scrambled eggs.
Michaela Dalton that’s so crazy you said scrambled eggs because that’s exactly the words I use to describe it!!!!! Ugh!!
I feel you!! I hope you'll become better...
Me too!! We’re all going mad together 🤪😭🤪😘
Same. Uplifting vibes to you from us who've known it
The quick inhalation and posture shooting upright as soon ss they
" start" the pan goes from cool to scalding in a flash..complete mentsl scramble..impulse if you haven't figured this brain cooking out yet..and the adrenaline..oh the sauce really takes its toll on the adrenals, processing capabilities, mental state..all of it, no?
"The way you're living now, is the way you'll be living in one years time". Wow that hit me. I don't want to be half dead anymore, one year has turned into 10 for me, time to wake up. Thank you Richard for the truth and reality check. This has been revelatory.
One year has turned into 4 and although I’ve done some work “some” is not enough! Half-alive isn’t enough. so thank you, “Infiniteriver93” for sharing! You contributed to me personally🙏🏼
infiniteriver93 it’s incredibly true... 😖
one year turned to 14 as of 7/2020
PRO FOUND quote "The way you're living now..."
Right on! infiniteriver93. I feel half dead to and it's been going on TOO long. Been stuck here for 5 years WTF. Just this last winter, I knew I needed to to work on myself and get down to the nitty gritty, I just didn't know how, where, and when. This pandemic, ironically, has allowed me to delve into my mental health because of social distancing. I couldn't be more happy. On the other hand, this pandemic has ruined people's lives and I feel for them. Thank you for posting and much love and healing to you and all.
It’s infinitely harder to overcome the bond when you were the one discarded. Because you keep feeling the rejection more than the fact that the person was utterly immature and disrespectful. The way someone leaves you tells you everything about them.
Honestly it feels like a grave injustice.
@@simpatico4004 yeah kinda sucks your soul dry. I lost the will to live for about a year.
Yes, I think being discarded is harder to get over than being the one that walked away… I agree, the the rejection is very hard to get over because it makes you feel like YOU were the one to blame for the break up but that’s what the narc wants you to feel!! They walk away as if they are innocent when in all reality they caused the argument/fight that ended in them discarding you. We, the discarded have to remember and keep telling ourselves that we did nothing wrong other than be a normal person, it’s the narcs that aren’t normal… they can’t take the slightest of criticism, and the idea of them being a failure in anything is horrific to them, they have to be admired, centre of attention, always right and they will hold a grudge for eternity, punish you for the slightest thing that they believe you’ve done wrong to them… silent treatment is a favourite or withholding things from you ie, if you share a car they won’t let you use it until they say you can. I spent 37 years married to a narcissist, suffered mental and physical abuse, the cruelty of these people is inhumane… but, it gives them great pleasure and power to see their partners/spouses suffering. These so called people deserve to rot in hell for the pain they inflict on others for pleasure, they have no feelings whatsoever, so, I have to keep reminding myself of all these terrible things when I start to doubt myself about who’s to blame for the discard. They don’t deserve to be happy, they actually don’t know how to be truth be told, they are never satisfied with what they’ve got. ESPECIALLY if they can’t control it. Sorry for the long comment, there’s a lot more I could write but I’ll stop now, anyone who has lived with or has had a relationship with a narcissist will relate 100% with this comment.
@@user-kf3yz7so6qthank you for your comment ! I appreciate your strength. I’m 26 YEARS into this marriage and it’s disaster. Fml
But I will get over it and love again.
If someone is scared of pain after breaking up I can tell you from my own experience, pain is enormous after you left but it is incomparably light to the one you were going through every day in that abusive relationship. Do it for yourself, I did and it is long time to my full recovery but I know I'm on the right path and with help of friends and Richard and whoever you think can support you, do it! Richard, you opened my eyes and kicked my ass to move on and thank you will never be enough! But...thank you so very much!
Yes, every victim of narcissistic abuse has to get to the point where the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. Dealing with flashbacks and residual confusion is far easier than the daily verbal and emotional abuse, cheating, etc.
🎉❤🎉❤
Amen 🙏🏽
For me, the most important thing to understand and accept is that when a PD person treats you badly, those are _calculated and deliberate_ actions (mostly). The concept of a person looking directly into your eyes, professing their "love", briefly doing VERY nice things only to later suddenly bury a knife in your back, _REPEATEDLY,_ was previously unimaginable to me. The FATAL flaw in my thinking was that it was all due to a "situational awareness" problem for her, that she behaved nasty at times and just didn't realize it or see it. With me as a "fixer" and always trying to be cool & understanding, my heartfelt discussions about how hurtful and cruel she could be at times served PURELY to further educate her on my underlying psyche and taught her precisely how to deepen the already gaping and infected wounds. The astounding disorientation and confusion that arose within me later on when she again was acting nasty, and like we had never spoken a single word about it, is nearly indescribable. Looking back, I now see that *THE KEY* to it all, the answer to all of my "why? why? WHY'S?" was that it was simply premeditation. The one-sidedness of "our" discussions, her lack of response to ANY of it (aside from her weaponization of any new knowledge) - every bit of it is explained away when I tell myself that it was all on purpose. She had been like a cat nudging a half dead mouse, trying to get it to run, the ENTIRE time we were together. Flat out worst experience of my life being married to her for 10 years, but that shit will happen to me NO MORE. EVER.
BluntForceTrauma666 I totalny understand you. The same thing happened to me. I have been married to PD person for 33 years. It was just a relief to find all this material on you tube and educate myself.
Dude you just explained my exact bewilderment..!! I was married to her for 5 years but the damage is serious! It's been 15months since the split but my lizard brain still finds it hard to accept that she was a dick...
I just became very confused with my narcissist. I believe he was psychotic too. It was like I was the mirror and he would say back what I was doing as advice or he would project his inner anger. It was the most terrible. There was no sense to it. I thought he was a normal guy until I had daily exchanges that were loopy. So bizarre but I couldn't extract myself not knowing fully what it was and me, Ms logical. I soon had to go cold turkey, no contact. This included religious and sexual abuse. He thought he was Gods gift and one time when drunk said he was the voice of God. But of course it was my fault for not being Ms obedient no talk woman. I got out of that pretty fast but it's my long term narcissists, sister and brother that emerged surprisingly as my narcissist abusers, Jekyll and Hyde trauma bonded abusers. I still think cold turkey is the way to go with them as they verbally abuse me with Hyde and my ptsd gets bad and then tell me it's my fault. I can't seem to let go of the hope. And memory of my brother before his mind split. I am scapegoat. Obsessing.
That explains where I was and how I feel today. Very awesome comment that describes my 14 year and prior 10year relationships. I thought the last one would kill me. It didn't, I has made me learn, first about me, I had developed Narc behaviors so, I was pretty sure I was flawed badly, Then I learned the level of abuse I had been through and exactly how it happened. How I made things worse for myself and now I am working on me. Forgiveness for myself has been important. My renewed relationship with God has been most important. I put these men , even before God.
I worked in sales for many years. Thought I had met every type of person God created. And then I met her. She was everything. I was so vulnerable. What you describe is still SO gut-wrenching. No one is taught or trained or prepared for someone to love you and hate you at the same time. Life has to make sense. People have to make sense....and be authentic with all their gifts and flaws. To meet someone who is a truly a gift, who gets you, who offers an intimacy that is beyond the pale, who says beautiful things without saying anything, and then one day, changes. Her words became cold and without emotion. She disappeared without explanation. She seems distant. My world became dark. And there was no reason, no sense, no answer to the many why's. No explanation, no one to talk to about, and no way to overcome emotion even though it objectively makes no sense. I still cant believe what has happened, all because I cared and became very fond of someone who I believed needed to be loved.
"they cannot be saved Clarice" 😂 Fabulous vid. Thanks Richie!
That was pure genius
Best video out there... Thanks Richard
Omg yes. Exactly how he hooked me.
Thank you for addressing the whole group/tribal toxicity that exists between many people who end up just bitching and enabling each other. I tried to join a few narcissist recovery forums and they were so terrible. It was a big glob of whining and nowhere dead-endedness. There is a time for empathy and compassion, but if all you're doing is sitting in a hole with a bunch of other people who are as damaged and lost as you are, it's silliness. So, thanks for addressing this, Richard.
It’s an addiction like any other addiction and can be treated the same way Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over other people . Our life had become unmanageable Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Thanks for the 12 step remimder! This is the Only way! ❤
This worked for me. I'm in AA. If it wasn't for recovery and the fellowship I'd be a goner
"I'm really more of....I'm an engineer. I want to get inside of the engine, and I wanna fix it! I don't want to talk vague concepts and circle jerk bubble wanks about unicorn chi and quantum leaping for the rest of my days."
🤣🤣🤗 Thank you Richard. We appreciate your passion and commitment to pushing us through the hard stuff.
He truly is a genius who doesn't give himself enough credit....he deserves appreciation & gratitude from us.... especially making the course FREE!
I've studied this stuff all my life & therapy is worthless (in the US). No matter the skill of the therapist, the system isn't set up to heal people, mentally or physically.
This is a tremendous gift to anyone who truly wants to heal & move on in life! Peace&love❤❤✌✌
@@gymnast2890 I agree! Tried really a plenty of stuff (France).
This guy is pure gold!
@@strukled8590 And so humble about it. Really, he could charge so much. It would revolutionize therapy for PTSD ❤❤✌✌
@@gymnast2890 Exactly my thoughts! The word - revolution comes to mind!
Listen to him!!! The Power of your mind can Heal your Heart!!!!! Take your control back!!! When you’re ready you’ll do it!!!💪🏻Tough Luv it works.... Stop living in the past in pain and live in the present in happiness 🤗
Thank you Richard !! After realizing at age 60 that my father, brother and sister are all covert narcissists I then realized how messed up I am. I very much appreciate the healing tools your providing for free.
Thank you Richard. You will never know me and know what this video has done for my life. I have been searching you tube every day watching videos on narcissism and nothing hit me like this. I was still looking for stuff to put on the map!!!!!! I get it now, it has NOTHING to do with the map. No one gave a shit about me growing up which led to me falling victim to these narcs over and over. Trying to erase what happened to me as a kid by filling these soulless narcs up with a never ending supply of love just to watch them keep flushing it down the shitter. When the answer ALL ALONG was to keep giving MYSELF!!!!!!! a never ending supply of love and kindness and to steer clear of anyone who didn’t treat me with that exact same love and kindness!!!!! Tables have turned people it is not egotistical or selfish or arrogant to love yourself when you are a kind, caring, empathetic, beautiful human being. Thanks again Richard!!
It’s been 2/3 months since I’ve completed the emotional literacy course and when there are times I fall back into old habits my subconscious is ready to whip me back into reality. I’m so fascinated looking at the comments and seeing the people from all walks of life and backgrounds attesting to the horrors of co-dependancy and coming through the other side. I’m so proud of the fact that I can feel my feelings without freaking out that they’re actually there, or freaking out in general, freezing and fawning. Everyday I’m in awe of the person I was a year ago compared to who I am today and I owe it all to you.
LaLabutterfly
I'm still looking(ish) into psychology. I'm just glad to know what I'm feeling and why. Sometimes I feel certain ways and can't understand why. Now I can see "oh, that person said that which caused that which I interpreted as this etc." Now I can see it as its happening and defuse whatever situations before they happen.
The only negative is the internet throws a broad net for narcissism so it's easy to get lost in that. Instead I just understand no one is perfect and "live and let live so of thing"
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Face the truth. Brutal honesty. Acknowledge the pain. Radical acceptable will lead to real lasting healing. Growing up is hard to do go for it or stay stuck.
This is the truth. I didn’t want to face the fear & do what I have to do because of my own shame & very real cptsd, but enough damage has motivated me now. Don’t wait for the damage to motivate. I am a serial truster & my hope dies hard. I was lucky to have a healthy romantic relationship for decades but fell right into the old patterns of getting trapped by covert narcissists as soon as I was single again. The crimes against me are so bad that my ptsd has kept me from seeking justice. I must stop him. These videos & comments help.
@@karifoto I'm going for it now. I had 4 cycles of abuse,,, that I allowed. I'm finally convinced I have to Stop this
@@stevenflores972 that’s good. I talked a good game 2 years ago but ended up going through more hell. Don’t be a me! ;) Best of luck to you
Feeling my feelings. Right on. I have finally let myself cry. I cry at the drop of a hat now and I don't give a fuck. I laugh too and that is much more acceptable outwardly. I just decided that I refuse to carry this shit around and stuff it down. I refuse to self medicate to keep it from escaping. If I process the things that make me cry when they happen I'm free. I've spent my life stuffing feelings and they are kicking my ass. Done!
Richard you are fucking refreshing! You make me think. Like about being an adult. I realized I'm a pissed off teenager and I'm almost 60. That isn't working too well for me. I will consider what an adult looks like and try it.
I appreciate the time and effort you put into your videos. You are someone I can relate to on many levels!
YOU ARE TRULY F'ING AMAZING! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO!!
you've given me strength.
You've given me clarity.
You've given me hope.
Thank you, with all my heart and soul 🤗
The illustration of Hannibal Lecter and the psychopath with the fake broken arm are both VERY apt. This was exactly how I was conned into his snare. Made to feel like he was someone to be pitied, someone that I could trust and feel empathy for... someone human and flawed. My heart went out to him from the start and that is how he reeled me in.
Amy Kitchens It was truthful genius. I had to watch it twice and just signed up for the course. This stuff is science surreal fiction. I wish there was a way we could all meet and support each other besides over the fiber. Hang in there.
My experience is the same! I appreciate you sharing🙏🏼🌹
Yes me too-pitiful childhood and the biggest victim in the room. Impeccable persona, despicable person. Well known lawyer in Denver. Consider yourself warned.
I was surprised by how comforting it was to hear that you ended up with a narcissist twice. I felt a lot of shame from being with one (and even taking him back once), thinking that I had learned, and then the next relationship was with another narcissist. They seemed like opposites in some ways, yet they were uncannily similar with regards to their reactions to things and ways of making me feel like less than I am.
Thanks. While I still feel like I've "lost my muchness" in some ways, my shame feels like it has lightened considerably.
Aw, hun. I took him back 3 times. There is no shame. Took me 8 years. It doesn't matter. Better to eventually understand it, than never :)
JoRiver11 Big hug! So hard to deal with them. But you are so big, you’re an empath! Never forget how big you are while you work thru this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you’ll find it’s you, always has been🙂
JoRiver thank you for sharing! I too had the same experience I went from one Narcissist to an even worse one exactly like you described! It's mind blowing!
I’m pretty sure my mom is a narc so all I can think is a toxic situation was normal for me. I got married to two narcs. I didn’t know what one was. I’m divorced now thank god. I’m just trying to heal now. It’s been quite a journey.
@@crinishorela yes....I am so embarrassed it went on for 20 years
....which she gets off on!
Silence, hesitation, diverting the convo - these were the signs for me to realise the narc was sleeping with the ‘ex’ and led to my radical acceptance and moving on with my life...your material over the last 4 months been immensely useful I feel empowered to progress one day at a time knowing that I’m free from lies, desertion and disrespect 🙏🏻
“Spiritually speaking my hair and my teeth are falling out”-brilliant. It’s sometimes hard to pinpoint what the hell is missing or atrophying during/after an experience like that. You can’t say you’re dysfunctional necessarily, or *seem* different at any given point. The person experiencing it /knows/ they’re hair and teeth I’d falling out but no one need notice: it could actually lead to emotional crippling and maybe no one would know. You could simply fade away.
My physical hair and teeth falling out too
@@lilgorgo I hope at least dear ones notice and try to offer help somehow
Happening physically too.
THEY CANT BE SAVED! Geez. It's amazing from the beginning how this predatory person paints themselves as a victim. It's insane how intelligent I am and yet how this fucking works on me over and over
Same I guess...
You don't see it coming because you are NOT LIKE THAT. Thank God for you.
Sad, isn't it. They're capable of tricking anyone. It's up to us to absolve ourselves of shame in order to recover. They win us over by looks or charm or responsiveness, then play the victim card, then beat you with a stick (hopefully metaphorically) and keep you there as you're feeling sorry for them. You can't leave because they said they fear being abandoned. You either want to prove them wrong or not prove them right (kinda different things in my mind), so you tolerate the misery in hope they'll get better. But they don't.
Cults are usually also headed by narcissists.
connectingTheDots - yes! A lot of them are filled with codependents who need to get out and heal completely. If they leave and do not do the work to heal they will get into another one. Trauma bonded.
Yes you are a million percent right.
This may be 2years old but I needed to see it. This course is going to be my soul mate!! I want to heal and be happy, happy with me. 9 months in this horribly abusive, sick, twisted man nearly took everything. I woke up and ran!! I’m ready❤️
Check out the crappy childhood fairy, Anna Runkle. Richard was one of the first to help me, though. I am back here after 5 years on my healing journey. I had a huge setback, which you can see in the comments. I really wish you all the best. As long as you're interested in doing the work, you can recover. Trust and believe. 😘 From Oklahoma
I recently met someone, with Rock solid boundaries. OMG, they were dating someone, really into the person, that person got drunk one night out at the bar, and gave my friend the slightest little shoulder shove. My friend turned around, walked out of the bar, totally went no contact. And you know that the offender tried to BEG forgiveness! Nope. Never spoke to them again.
Point being, this crap doesn't happen to people with boundaries. And that very word is a cliche but, us people that had crappy childhoods? Yeah, we're vulnerable and yeah, it happens. How blessed are we, to have access to all this help? By the way, I think you're comment really got to me because, YOU LEFT!!👏💃🥳🎉 My hoovering narc had to dump me again 😭 You've got boundaries! It's weird how all of us are on this messed up road together, every age, every walk of life. All of us so different, all of us the same.
I'm so, so proud of you! So you better be proud of yourself! Good luck and Godspeed honey.☮️👍🤩
@@stacyjaye6350 I agree so much with that sentiment! We are all soooo different but have this similar story. I’m a huge nerd and think how incredible it is that the narcissist have the same stages, the love bomb, devaluation, hoover. If I hadn’t gone through it, I’d quit nursing and study it. He’s been torturing me lately… he can’t hoover so he immediately turns verbally abusive. I silenced unknown callers because he gets WiFi numbers. I listened to a couple messages 😳 they’re insane! He threatened to hurt me so I had to get some cameras and a ring. I’m happy you’re back at it and try to stay with it love!! I’m right here if you need to chat! ❤️❤️❤️
Richard that may have been the best vid I've seen on the context of what you were speaking. Thank you. Been struggling with this now almost 2 years. I feel that knowing what it is and what caused it is not enough anymore...( I feel highly educated on the subject yet I still feel "stuck"). I really appreciate the fact that I stumbled across your Channel today.
You are not alone!✌
Thanks Richard for being consistently rooted in reality and ownership. Can’t blame others for hurting us, more than blaming ourselves for NOT protecting one’s self.
Thanks for all you do Richard! Your material is a life saver and got me through the toughest time of my life. Emotional literacy and grieving is hard work but it really pays off because it works! I'd still be lost and maybe dead if I'd never found your work. Still healing but damn it feels good to be living and not just surviving.. Much love and respect
I know this video is old, but I just discovered this channel...it helped me so much...Got a new subscriber.
Thank you!
Richard brings the balls to healing. I always got helped the most by him because he is challenging. I dig it 💗💗💗
I had to pause the video at around 15.15 to process tears. The lambs had not stopped screaming in my head from the childhood trauma. I tried to help him with his pain. All I did was hurt myself more. The only way out is through was my mantra for everyone but myself. Thank you for everything you do.
Same...
As always, Richards sprinkling of comedy still cracks me up.....
so true 🥳🙏
Thank you so much for making this video. Your straightforward and honest "I can't save you from pain" really helped me find the courage to move forward and accept all my feelings. I'm definitely ready to process my grief and thank you for emphasizing that it's not a one time fix but something we must choose to do everyday.
Truthful, no nonsense, funny … and interestingly enough encouraging. So appreciate this perspective and the way it’s presented.
DBT worked for me. But I had to do the program (seriously) for 2 years and spent time in the psych ward in the middle. I think I have an unhealthy attachment to Richard since he’s been “with me” the whole time... especially in the beginning before I “grew up.” I still flashback and feel that inner teen. But now I’m aware. And it’s just annoying and something I will work on for life. Including the shame of feeling like I’m still a teenager since I have to work hard to feel and act like a sovereign adult... still. Radical acceptance ✊🏻
ANTIJPUG ... no. DBT was developed with borderline PD in mind, but it’s now used to treat lots of conditions with core problems linked to emotional regulation and self harm including mood disorders, substance abuse disorders, eating disorders, and PTSD
I respect your hard honesty about no more handholding, we do the work or go home. I have spent decades trying to heal my monstrous child abuse, and I am as sick of working for nothing as you are! I can't believe the number of therapists I have gone through and NOT ONE figured out even the basics of my childhood trauma. As a child I vowed to never be mistreated again, so my relationships have been short because I disengage at first sign of abuse. I've had a couple Narcs get me (because they come in different forms) but not for long. So my problem is getting worse because of severe loneliness because each man I attract shows his fangs and I'm outa there! I want to heal my trauma so I am no longer a "creep magnet". I don't know why I trip their radar, but I do. I'm great about turning them away, which is fortunate, but I have NEVER gotten a "good guy". What's weird is I have wonderful, healthy platonic friendships, some lifelong. I have great friends that are normal with non-toxic lives. But the minute a man likes me, I think "okay, what's wrong with this one." Damn I hate being right all the time. Richie, bring it hon, give me your worst. I will do any work you say, doing a headstand while dangling naked from the town clock while singing the national anthem and plucking feathers from a goose. Best client EVER!
Wildrose12. Same here about narcs men that seems to know im an empath besides others so I just stay alone with my cats ,daughter and I rather that than be victim again was to too many I learned from experience from my so call insane family which most majority are so criminally insane
Wildrose12. Lol
I feel the same. However, I'm a man. Now 59.
I feel like a fool. Gave my whole heart. When will I learn
I born and raised and live in the U.S. I'm english ethnicity, and I'm really enjoying listening to the english accent.
In any event, that's not why I'm here listening to this, I'm here because I need to get over this recent narcissist relationship once and for all. This is not the only narcissist I've had the opportunity to experience a relationship with, but I want it to be the last!
I only spent 8 months with him. I broke it off 6 weeks ago. I will not accept this type of relationship, I will not accept being treated with such disrespect.
So far, I'm not doing too bad, because I'm working on me and doing my own thing. That said, I want to heal and move on. I know I've got to heal first, because I don't want to carry this into a new relationship. The issue is, I keep thinking about him, the relationship, what was good and what was bad. I hate him, I'm angry, then I'm not angry, and than I care at the same time. I don't want to hate anyone. I dont want to be angry like this.
It's all so confusing. I trusted and was totally disillusioned by his deception, his cruel words, his anger, and on and on. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I don't understand how I can still care about this man? I gave enough time to this, I want it gone.
I've got to get over this and get this out of my head. I know I'm a good person, I am worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.
I just wanna get over this, I made a decision to leave the situation and I'm sticking with that decision, but I need to get over this, and I want to make sure I never get involved in anything like this again. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I'm gonna work with your program, because I want to be better and never go through this again. Wish me luck. Thank you so much for putting this out to help us who really want to be helped.
Richard, straight up, thank you. It is about taking responsibility for your self- healing. Commit to this, drop the story, feel the pain, grow yourself up ...
Thanks for the tools, and the talks. Life saveing. Big thank you.
Awesome video! I'm happy that you and a select few are moving toward self healing and away from beating a dead horse explaining narcissism!
Heather B
People get stuck in the rut of rehashing and repeated analyzing. Myself included.
Press forward, sail/fly through the storms. Chop off the dead weight.
Heather B
As you said, and video implies, the dead horse keeps getting beat.
Learn from what killed the horse.
Dispose of the corpse.
I don't want my golden bobbles anymore. Thanks Richard.
I simply can’t articulate how important and impactful finding this channel has been. I was beginning to think the process from recovering from a lifetime of abuse was reaching a plateau. Now I look at all my work as prep for being ready for finding exactly what I needed. This. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you. You know how I can tell you actually care about other human beings, about your fellow NPD trauma bond sufferers? You tell the TRUTH. It is hard to hear. It isn't pleasant. But the verissimilutide of your tough love is like a slap in the face. And it is much needed. Thank you, Richard.
Absolutely raw and brilliant. So tired of forums where people rant and complain about what has been DONE to them. Unsubbed to all of them. The work on self is where it’s at! You rock! We all need a wake up call and tough productive love.
I think the map phase is an important early stage to healing before you can get to the "feeling your feelings" part. Many people leaving a cult of a family or a religion go through this phase of intense study. I believe it is the mind trying to adapt to a completely different worldview. It's very important to the mind to be able to make logical sense of the world. Before you go through it, you feel like you don't even have the right to have feelings, like "Why should I be mad at the [truly abusive] cult leader? He's the representative of God!" Only when you are convinced with logic that he is abusive by nonbiased widely accepted standards do you feel like you have the right to feelings of anger or sadness.
Ruki Sar the map phase describes the problem rather than fixing it. Eg my motorbike crashed because blah blah but the fixing it is another matter. The map comes before the decision to change I feel
Yes a phase... but it becomes sick when ppl do it for a decade and have a poor me ... attitude...
I totally agree! Matches up with him saying you have to be "ready" too.
Can a narc heal? If so, how can I tell if he's really doing the work? I'll be getting the course, so I'm guessing this would take care of itself if I do the work?
Yes, it is important to note the map thing (great metaphor) is a necessary phase, of leaning and understanding. But then there comes a time to heal Self 💗
Thank YOU very much for YOUR time and attention to these matters that people so desperately need help with!! ❤
I found that for many ( us women especially!), 'rescuing, saving, coaching, fixing, sacrificing for and supporting the emotions and dreams of someone else' is a great way to avoid carrying out your # 1 responsibility in life. That is yourself. Discovering YOUR abilities, interests and developing YOUR skills, finances dreams etc. FIRST! As they say on the airplane safety drills, 'put the oxygen mask on your own face first, BEFORE you try to save anyone around you, because if you pass out before or during, helping another person, you will BOTH die'! When you are in a good place yourself, then you can share from a place of success and and abundance, not avoidance and procrastination about yourself and a martyr/ saviour complex. Everyone already has one saviour, and YOU'RE not IT! So peace and strength to you all, and thank you Mr. Grannon for yours shared with us.
14:58 - You just hit the motherlode Richard! Thank you for all your hard work, you're a recovery hero and you deserve loads more recognition for your insight & approach. Think I'm a fangirl! X
Can’t even tell you how much this helped me. I am in so much pain but carry on like a soldier pretending I am completely fine. Love the honesty. I have been watching you videos for a year now and like this one the best. Thank-you Richard!!
Thank you Richard. You and Sam actually made me realise the web of betrayal I found myself in after 2 decades in a relationship with a covert narc, and I am using so much of what you're teaching to walk (run) away and heal.
Thank you Richard, I stayed with you throughout this video, you were ‘speaking’ to me and I ‘heard’ you, I listened and I understood- several ah ha moments ! I looked for the free course the other day but will try again. Loved the presentation today ( because you are so passionate you go off on a tangent and loose me usually) Thank you for all your videos I really appreciate your work and the time you must put into them. X
As a grieving mom I have learned to face the pain and have seen the progress. I apply that same process to dealing with my recovery from abuse. I struggle with PTSD and CPTSD. You do the difficult work as the pain hits you and you will be amazed. Thank you Richard!!
Are you grieving because a child of yours is a narcissist? I am asking because my adult son is a malignant narcissist and I am finally getting out of denial about it. I am in a lot of pain.
Healing Strong No, my 5 year old had cancer for a year and died. The effect of that made staying in my marriage impossible. My eyes were instantly opened and I did not have any more ability to tolerate things due to the overwhelming nature of that grief. I have two sets of reasons to have PTSD and deal with the fear of loss, etc. But I have found a way to take my lessons and transfer them from one issue to another.
I mean PTSD and CPSTD. They are different reactions.
Powerful... Be your own light, your own saviour, stand up to save ya... 🙏🌠
You have no idea. you just saved my life I have journals mapping my confusion trying to make sense of what I am living trying to figure this out, I have already asked my spouse to leave. Thank you so so so much. The clarity I have gained is immense
Wow, this is so relatable for me, I've just discovered this channel and it's AMAZING!!!!!!!
Also, the New Zealand accent was spot on 😊🙏🙏🙏🙏
This has to be one of your best videos. I can't wait to get the course. Thank you so much Richard.
Thank you so much Richard. I can't express how moved I am right now, but I'm crying from a sense of expansive relief at the willingness I feel to truly move forward, suffering and all. You have laid it out with such powerful clarity. I appreciate you!
(edit) Ps.. I'm signing up right now :)
I love it no sugar coating. This is what I need. Keep up the good work. I will be here working through my pain instead of running from it like I always have then wonder how I got involved with another narcissist. This time I'm doing the work and feeling pain and working through it. Thank you so much. I'm glad I found you.
Out of all the videos out there I absolutely love listening to you. I have learned so much and truly appreciate what you do for all of us ❤️❤️
Love your hard truths. I have felt I needed a good dose of “smack me upside the reality” lately. I am ready to heal and I’m coming along. 🌸
Thank you ever so much Richard
for sharing your enormous knowledge and profound wisdom!!
And thank you equally as much for your crystal clear no shit straight forwardness as well genuine compassion!!
All the best!!
I just found you...and I am beyond excited that I have! You are real, to the point, and you make me laugh along the way! So excited to get started on this journey with you and get over this CPTSD!
Thank you SO much for shining a light on something I’ve been experiencing a VERY long time, without knowing what it was!! I’m very excited to watch your work!!
Allow me to spew my unconditional gratitude in the comments: Thank you, Richard
Thank you for always giving it to me straight and to the point. You are changing my life and I am forever grateful!
Thank you very much for your words of wisdom. I work as a therapist, and I will definitely share this. In fact, I am working with a young person who sent me this video. She LOVED every word. You’ve mirrored to her what we’ve been working on for the past 10 months. You have helped her process tremendously. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this Richard. I separated two weeks ago from someone that I now am thinking was a Covert Narcissist. So I've been watching your videos - and gathering evidence and going over and over details of our lives and the arguments we had and the ways he drove me crazy. This video - when you talked about the guy with the chart who wants to talk through the story, again and again, it made me laugh out loud for the first time in these last two weeks. Yes, that's me! I've been boring everyone silly with my new knowledge about narcissism. I am ready and looking forward to healing my trauma bond and to doing the work you recommend. I am so ready!
Funnily enough - Covid lockdown, by myself, took me right back to my adolescent trauma of being left by my parents. I was already beginning to get memories coming up, then my partner told me he has a new lover. And then I started to look at what's been going on for the past 11 years. Thank you!!
I was already intuitively knowing that I need to feel the feelings - however hard they are but I am looking forward to some guidance on this from your course. And again - thank you!
Im so grateful I stumbled across you here on RUclips .. Your knocking it out of the park here.. thank you SO much for doing the work you do
Thank you! Just what I needed to hear! I'm ready to move on, and now I have the tools to do so. Thank you so very much!!! I'm keeping hope alive 😌
This made me cry it was so accurate. Reading and learning to STOP my emotional flashbacks
Thank you for your kindness and insight Richard, it’s is truly priceless.
Great video Richard! I don't think we hear nearly enough about how our own character and grit work to heal us. Appreciate all that you do and have done to bring clarity to a problem that thrives on confusion.
Love your passion in this video. I needed a kick in the ass!
Love how you clearly illustrate your concepts and ideas and they are just spot on. Your humor is an absolute BONUS. You literally have me snorting and laughing out loud in some of your videos. Feels like I’m getting the best tough love talking to by a dear and caring and funny friend who has been there, done that! Thank you sir. Will be ordering some of your courses directly from my hover board.
Sincerely,
My Future Self
You are absolutely brilliant! I love that you care so much about people.
You don't give yourself enough credit for how brilliant you are....& I am SO APPRECIATIVE.
As you know, psychotherapy is largely ineffective, as someone working in that field I'm so grateful to you for making this available FOR FREE!
I totally understand your frustration when people want to feel better but think the cure is external & unwilling to take the necessary steps to gain what they claim to want.
I will be using this on myself & others & I'm SOOOO grateful.
I've studied this all of my life.
I think it will work on children & kids as well, because it IS a cultural problem as well.
I can think of no better gift, I wish I could have given it to my son as a kid.
You have every right to feel annoyed that some people don't appreciate this gift they've been given. Some people just aren't ready.
The rest of us... THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Much love & gratitide❤❤✌✌
Thanks Richard for what you do! Now that I have escaped my oubliette, and my hair is coming back in, and my teeth are getting fixed, I can learn to love again; and, I really LOVE that watch! LOL! Best short to date ...Really like your StrengthOfMind stuff too. Keep up the great work. Peace.
OMG! Minute 16:13 and on hit me hard with the pouring love, more love into them to soothe their childhood and how they play the hurt victim and not knowing what love is. That is my story!!! This video has been so eye opening for me, wow! Thank you so much because when we are in it, we don’t see it. I am watching it over and over again, and this is helping me towards healing. Thank you Richard for this video! 💕
I have already suffered enough pain by the 2 Narcissists involved to last me a LIFETIME!!!
Thank you! I’ve been watching your videos for awhile and somehow just now found this one. I’m on it! I honestly thought I had worked through this (although I didn’t know what the this was...like you just described it anyway). I broke up with my ex exactly a year ago. But it’s been a roller coaster. TONS of individual therapy sometimes 2x a week, hospitalization, multiple times in intensive outpatient programs, taking leave from work, setting boundaries, going no contact, educating myself non stop (still) - all within the last year. And I did have some major breakthroughs. The first was even the acknowledgement I was in an abusive relationship. Then the ability to leave after years of saying I wanted to but couldn’t. Then finally the ability to really see him for who he is. I really did! Or I guess I thought I did. Because now I’ve wrapped myself up in emotion again with him. I think maybe as an escape route, a coping strategy, to avoid other issues that are painful in my life currently. I found out yesterday that he had been arrested, again, several days ago and was still in jail and I sobbed uncontrollably because I couldn’t stand to think of him hurting! I literally felt his pain. Took it on like my own. That is absolutely insane with the amount of pain he has put me through that I’d feel pain for him. I can intellectually stand back and see that madness! But I have not done this work you are talking about. And I just connected to and really heard what you said about being caught up in the “story” or “map” you may have called it. That is such a revelation. Seems simple but it is profound at this moment to me. It’s actually something I’ve been doing my whole life, replaying everything and trying to figure “it” out. I will never figure “this” thing with him out! Ever! But if I don’t figure me out, I will be miserable forever. Thank you again. I will not let the last year of my life, the most painful year of my life, be in vain. I will do the continued work. I am so grateful to have found this today. ❤️
Thank you so much for your time, energy and your desire to help ppl.I am very glad I stumbled upon your videos.Your right, I was looking for the right word you might say, is what I'm doing. I am looking forward to growing up and living, finally!
Hi...this is your best yet!!
Watched you for a while, and have got your stuff..however, today was a red flag day for me.
Yeh ive been abused physically and mentally..and ive just admitted it now, sat on the bus going to the gym..wow..!!
So brainwashed i couldnt admit it..this raw, but you made me laugh and feel tearfull..not through sadness, but through the "curtain" being pulled back..thanks Richard, keep it real, you say it as it is..and if people just need a constant prop, well they will never move on..Take care
The bitter sweetness of finally pulling back that curtain and really seeing clearly! The first step in healing! Good luck 😊
Please keep up this tough talk. I love this style and it’s really needed. “Keep your toys”. Puts that right where it needs to be. I don’t know if this is even a style and I apologize but this is AMAZING!
Really good one. With good points.
Really starting to hear these clips in a new clearer way lately. The shift came when i started to listen after my trauma more than trying to identify their strange behavior. Finding a way out of my own stickyness rather than getting an understanding from them.
Brilliant , every word is true. Thank you for sharing your expertise Rich
Richard, having viewed this video yesterday I was pondering on whether the emotional literacy problem could not only be the result of overanalysis & but also gaslighting. Perhaps some people concentrate on analysing their thoughts instead of dealing with their emotions but could it be that, after being subjected to gaslighting & not being able to trust metacommunication from others, a person with CPTSD could be unclear as to the intentions & signals of those around them so struggle with emotional literacy?
G L Great question! Seems I'm right there with you on this. God bless and heal you G L
yeah, the emotional flashbacks will make it hard to know how you actually feel about something, if that makes any sens lol. The gaslighting creates cognitive dissonance. We end up doubting ourselves over everything, including what we feel.
So true, the fucking gaslighting makes me loose it!
"Loose it" meaning getting mad as FUCK and sends me into a rage
G L great question. Hits home for me
I can only change myself, period. I can never, ever change anyone else and I fully accept that. By looking inside myself and processing what I discover, change will come about from within. With practice & effort I will strengthen healthy skills that will serve me and others through my example. It's an inside-moving-towards-the-outside effort, not the other way around. If I look towards the outside world, I will avoid my problems and create even bigger, messier, & more dramatic disasters.
Very nice video. This really breaks it down in a way I was able to understand and relate to on many levels. Thank you for sharing!
At this time a year ago - I was in need of hospitalization so that I wouldn’t kill myself. I found your vids (and a few others - thank God for all of them) - finally I was able to put my finger on what was being done to me. You are right on in the approach of radical acceptance. The simple practicality was a branch to hold on to - something tangible. Narcissists are masters of creating toxic emotion quick sand and immersing a person in it - for their own purposes. When I found something to grab I was able to drag myself out.
I Thank You.
Thank you for being straight up & honest! Just what I need.
Thank you so much for your videos. I recently escaped a narcissistic mother daughter relationship, and this has helped me understand what has happened to me over the last 23 years. I left not knowing why I left, I was a complete mess and had been completely broken down. Now I am on a journey of figuring out what happened to me, and figuring out how to heal and relearn how to be a normal person.
You have been one of people who has given me info that made my experiences made sense.
I found this channel and there is so much being talked about that I needed to hear!!! Grateful.
Best practical psychology lessons on RUclips...God bless you Richard.
Science based.. YES! I was once sent to a religion based counseling center where I was basically told I should be happy because I am a human and humans are inherently special. Didn’t really help my self loathing and binge drinking that I was self medicating with.
Beautiful service to the collective. You made this all so accessible. Grateful love. Seeing you abundantly successful my brother.
I literally will have to start watching this every day before sleep. Thank you . So happy to have come across your content
Thank you 🙏 for the work you’ve put in for US, the general public. 🇨🇦
This is what I've been needing to hear ♥️
Thank you for taking the time to do these videos! I was just introduced to you by a friend, I’m thankful. I’m looking forward to watching more.