How To LET GO, MOVE ON & HEAL From A Toxic Relationship! | Dr. Ramani & Lewis Howes
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- Опубликовано: 21 сен 2024
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In this episode you will learn, the red-flags of knowing you are with a narcissistic partner, how the sunk-cost fallacy plays a role in our relationships, why you need to stop being afraid to change course and so much more!
And now, let’s jump right into Episode 1,344 of The School of Greatness with the one-and-only, Dr. Ramani Durvasula!
Love is calm. I’m never doing chaos again
Well said ❤
Amen to that.
1 Corinthians 13 speaks of love. If it is not those things, then it is not love.
@@Hawaiiansky11 Go figure, right? That verse is the antithesis to narcissism. Thank you for listing that because ..it's not "our" truth, "my" truth or "your" truth. It's ...Truth.
Words to live by
People who have not seen first hand or been in a narcissistic relationship really underestimate how incredibly difficult it is to leave !!!!! We need more help for people who are trapped inside these toxic relationships to be able to safely leave 😢
Absolutely true! But the upside is that there’s a growing awareness and more and more people share their experiences
Gosh, I completely can relate. Once you figure out or discover this information about the whole narcissistic situation, unless this is something one has experienced personally or truly understands this it's something that is very serious, very important, and misunderstood. I am in a very similar situation where I am alone (thank God) by choice but when I search out for help and as long as I have been working on this (decades) professionals or places you seek out say that they are familiar or understand...etc...but within seconds you are able to realize they don't truly "get" it. I want so badly to heal in many ways so I can live but also to share and connect with other survivors and make sure informaton gets to anyone who may need it. Take care and thank you for being a voice!
@@SGregory I hear you. It is very difficult and challenging to heal and recover from narcissistic abuse. We long for help, support and understanding in our journey to help ease the heavy burden. Only a survivor gets it and even their story will be different from ours. Let it be okay that we all have different stories but at the heart of it all, we deeply desire to heal our relationship with ourselves and feel connected and loved by other human beings. But most of all, with ourselves. We are all healing together. Thank you for sharing your voice. You matter and we need you. 😍💝💖
Agree
I agree about the information on how to leave. I was a wreck for 6 months preparing to leave. CONSTANTLY thinking it through until a plan began to emerge. Then, executing the plan in secrecy, which is terrifying. I moved from Florida to the Carolinas, so physically/geographically a long way. My relationship was emotional abuse. Education and bravery are required.
Don't jump into another relationship. Stop and learn to know yourself. Give yourself a year. I find it may need to be even a longer time. Have a life on your own to not get caught up into another's life. "I'd rather be single than get into a relationship that's not healthy."
💯
this doesn´t only apply to toxic or narcissistic relationships, but even regular relationships where it just doesn´t work out, for whatever reason. Far too many ppl define themselves by being in a relationship, or go straight into another relationship before giving themselves time to process things and figure out what they actually want. It just kinda sucks that society (western society at least) and things like taxes, housing costs etc are still geared towards the idea that 2 ppl should be living together, and the narrative is often still that you´re on the outside of things if you choose to just be single.
@@alanwaterworth6464 Agree. It's very limiting and detrimental to personal growth.
First 5 years in my life I've been single, since being a teenager (I am nearly 42 now!). I am the most calm and collected (and connected to God [a personal victory]) in my life!!! Praise the Lord! Should I ever find an appropriate 'other half', then I will be much better as I am now both for me and for them ..
@@alanwaterworth6464 Yes, this also applies to when a relationship unfortunately ends in death of a partner.
Narcissists suck up all the air in the room. You will suffocate in their presence. Run before you you cannot breathe. ❤
And they will sit there with a smile on their face and watch you suffocate. Definitely run. Walk. Jump. Crawl if you have to.
Very well explained because that's exactly what it feels like.
Lol mine strangled me
@@barb7124 did he physically put his hands on you?
I do know they are dangerous
Sometimes they starve you too. Ignore you and make everyone else in the room feel special. Then tell you you’re imagining it.
37:29 Don’t Go DEEP with them:
🚫Don't Defend
🚫Don't Engage
🚫Don't Explain
🚫Don't Personalize
It's a mantra.🙏
Perfect. !!
Appreciate this!
💗💗
I added this to my 'Notes' in my phone - I have to pull it up from time to time when I start feeling down about my narcissistic sisters.
This lesson was a long time in learning. To this day sometimes I'm in it before I recognize it. Just recently it turned out to be my own brother. I have gone no-contact, but I'm sure eventually he will break it.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 5yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Wow I had a boyfriend who I believe to be toxic and maybe a narcissist and he just falls into so many of the things that you were saying and I am having such a hard time dealing with him leaving me I mean it's crazy what my body is going through I can't eat I can't sleep I'm crying all the time I just want it to stop and I feel like I love him so much and he's already with someone else starting a relationship it's been like a month and a half since we broke up and honestly I thought maybe we would get back together but he's just like nope I'm moving on and I'm over here all tore up over someone who treated me badly put me down made me seem like I was crazy back and forth relationship and then I felt I started being like him and I would ignore him and then he wanted my attention after putting me down or making me angry then he'd say oh come here babe let's you know lay down with me or come rub my back and I'm like how do you expect me to do that when I'm angry about what you just did and I couldn't see rewarding bad behavior I thought maybe if I didn't give in or he could see that what he was doing wasn't working he would stop but he didn't and then he changed it all on me that I was the one who ruined the relationship This is the most horrible thing to have to go through I'm just waiting to get out on the other side of anybody has any suggestions for me I would gladly like to hear it
I'm filing for divorce this week. I've endured nearly 30 years of the covert narcissist abuse.🙏
wow you are so strong. I wish you luck. Maybe you don;t feel strong but remember this, the scapegoat was always chosen because he was strongest in the herd.
I could not tolerate my covert narc more than 6 months
Wishing you well. ❤
❤❤❤
Bravo I pray you the best 🎉
Just because you got fooled into a narcissistic relationship does not mean you don’t love yourself. It means you didn’t know and was fooled. I always have loved myself I was fooled.
True. Thank you.
I am so glad that I found Dr, Ramini. How can I meet you in person? I am informed about the person I have been involved with for about 40 or maybe longer years. I am done with this relationship, but I still hurt.
I'm not completely over him but I am making progress.
@@khrystalbowdry9976 Stay strong! The fact that you are no longer in the relationship is the best thing you could have done for yourself.. be very proud of YOURSELF for that because the hold a narcissist can get on you, can be very strong, and not everyone is able to break free. Your strength inspires me. Please take care of "YOU" now... maybe counseling, if that is something you believe in? Whatever it is you got to to do to fix you, is worth it.... because YOU'RE WORTH IT! I pray you stop hurting very soon and send you positive, healing vibes 🙏. Take care.
@@khrystalbowdry9976
Good for you that you’ve taken the 1st step towards healing. Sending prayers that your steps are always moving forward…keep your eyes on the real prize-Peace!
@@khrystalbowdry9976 according to her website she doesnt do personal session but has online course . Good luck and stay strong 💪
I decided to be single, and it wasn't until 5 years later that I started dating again. I had so much healing to do... ❤
Hey hey dating myself unapologetically something else because I discovered this is the best thing in retrospect of coming out of a toxic marriage looking at my two daughters were the best thing that came out of it even though the trauma of devorce Will not reduce me . Choosing life over death committed to becoming the best version of myself unapologetically.💜
Amen
Me too and I’m fine with it. I have a lot of healing to do .
I think that is perfectly fine and 1 year as mentioned in this video is NOT enough time to be healed. No way in hell would I be ready to jump into another relationship that quickly, even if it was a healthy one!
@@Rose22Dahlia For me 1 year was definitely not enough. It took me 1.5 years not to react to his voice and name the same way I react to the sound and sight of military aircraft flying too low over my house (I'm in Ukraine).
The moment we start to detach emotionally from narcissists and start to learn to attach in a healthy way to secure people, and kind people, we can spot all the narcissistic red flags afterwards. It's pretty crazy to see. When we learn to respect ourselves, and to create boundaries, which did not existed for you to have for a narcissist, we see when someone really disrespects us and aren't able to love. Aren't able to love themselves trully and others. Healing is so important.
Absolutely!
Yes! And they start accusing you of all kinds of things!
I just long to heal and I also pray for all my children's healing.
@@margaretalwanda4443 same here.
It's almost like the blindfold came off.. I was surrounded by narcs and flying monkey's most of my life.
Omg Lewis is so sweet and gentle. It’s so wonderful to see a man in this light, vulnerable and intentional. I wish him all the best in his relationship, he deserves the best.
Thank you so much!
@@lewishowes I, thank you 🧡
Yes he is I want me a man like him😛
Yes totally agree!
Yes gives me hope
The a** wiping test really spoke to me. My toxic/narcissistic ex and I broke limbs one after the other. She broke her leg, then the day she was off her crutches, I broke my foot. I remember I arranged to come into work later every day, and would start my day off by making us coffee and getting croissants ready, then I would help her take a shower with her cast, prepare a bigger breakfast and all her food for the day, make her a thermos of tea, ask her if there was anything else she needed (I'd usually sneak some of her favourite cookies in) and then make the drive into the city to get to work for 10:30 or so. When I broke my foot, in the morning she'd just say "there's breakfast stuff in the fridge!" and head off. Sure, I hobbled over and took care of everything myself, but the difference in approaches was palpable.
Yeah, I always knew that if I really needed my ex for anything, I was sh** out of luck. Being alone is a lot better than being with him!
I've never had a partner that I can rely on, even for minor things. I've become very independent, self-reliant, and used to disappointment. Thanks for the reminder that thoughtful people exist.
Completely understand. I had an emergency ileostomy (it's been reversed and now I'm fine) meaning I had a bag for a while. When I was still in the hospital, the nurse wanted to show me how to change my bag and asked for someone else to watch/observe. I could have had my adult daughter do this, but my boyfriend insisted that he be the one to observe. About two days after being released from the hospital, I asked him what the nurse said about something during her demonstration. His reply was, "Oh I have no idea. I didn't pay attention "
Wow, that was really mean of her not to do at least ONE nice thing for you when you broke your foot. Geez.
I got sick, he was nowhere to be found. Broke my foot/toe at his house.. yeah he was not help. I went to urgent care for real help and he was a paramedic. Zero help.
One year wasn't enough for me, but I learned that, once I realised how it feels to be healthy(er), I am not putting up with any kind of toxic people. I cut them off, no matter how long they have been in my life.
Right Otilia.
Same here
Yep, 1 yr is crazy! The thought of dating a yr later makes me nauseous. There’s no way to be healed enough in that short of time, in my opinion.
♥️💃🏻♥️♥️🎉🎊
Exactly! My ‘Cut Off’ game is strong !!💪🏾 💪🏾
Exactly, I rather be single then be in bad relationship. Take time for myself and learn what is best for me.
Agreed!
I agree!
Yes, me too.
I love Dr. Ramani. She's a brilliant lifesaver. This information needs to be spread. Every narcissist is different, but their manipulation patterns are so similar. And it's so important to remind yourself of these frequently, so you don't fall into the trap again. Manipulation preys on our nervous system and human mechanisms and is made to work. No shame, if you fell for it.
Agree 💯 %
I‘m 2 months out, and way better! Thanks to Dr. Ramani and the Crappy Childhood Fairy
@@krivoli86 That's great to hear! Wish you the best.
Get help we all fall for it at times....these personnalities are wolves out for preys... thanks for suggestions to not encourage them😊
There are worse things than being alone!!! If there is not trust, comfort and peace it’s not worth you’re time! 🦋
Sooo big an AMEN!! THANK YOU AND BLESS YOU!! 😁
Yes!!!! AMEN INDEED!
....it is not worth your mind
This is so true
I'm freshly out of a very brief (4 months) but intense relationship with a narcissist. I saw the signs early, but was so infatuated I let it go. What an absolute s*@tstorm it turned out to be. I can't imagine how much suffering people who spend years and decades in such relationships must go through. I feel like it's going to take me at least a year to get over this, three times longer than the relationship lasted. I am so glad to have found these videos - calm, rational, objective and TRUE... every time I feel myself "relapsing" even only in my mind (or rather heart), I watch and listen and it brings me back to my senses. Thank you.
2 and half decades and lost myself, and trying myself to collect my old self and live. Life is a constant struggle
Same here, 5 months and it went from magical to tyrannical so quickly. Traumatizing
Was single for 11 years after a bad relationship with a pycho then I got involved with a covert ....single is best ...its a good job I'm strong.Embrace the single.Choose peace over chaos.
🧡
Feels good to read this, to know not to be alone. I never want a relationship again and that irritates my family and other people.
Nomadic by choice ¿curious why you limit yourself in name not action. Aren't we all connected anyway? 🧡🙉 oh maybe u r a wanderer like Eckharte Tohle 😁 but he has a sxy partner .....hmm...I think everyone is in a relationship in each conversation they have 🎶 we are all in eternal relationships with Life and life surely urges us towards loving connections(?) 🌻 nomb non of my biz 😁
@@iloveFreedom.Same reasons Nessa wrote. Very bad, almost deadly relationship and I prefer to stay alone for the rest of my life. I made that decision at 28 that's why I said it irritates some people.
@@iloveFreedom. we are certainly
I told my nex that I had depression. He pointed his finger at me and said "What ever it is, you fix it!"
Recently I was dx with stage 4 breast cancer. Told him I would have both breaststroke removed. He wrinkled his nose and said, "sheech".
I am so glad I didn't have him in my home when having the surgeries. 6 yrs free finally after nearly 50 years.
Carol I am so sorry to hear about your illness. I hope for your physical and mental health. Please take care. Find a support group if you don’t have one.
I needed almost 2 years, but spent the time working on myself and developing self love and confidence, I noticed after just 3 weeks that a dating situation was becoming toxic and never got myself hurt just ended it and felt so happy and proud of myself, you can clearly see where someone is not willing to have the self awareness to develop intimacy and learn and grow together
Hell yeah 🎉
Excellent insight. Important lesson. :)
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 I
yes! 💪🥰
Congratulations! Well done. You inspire me to get out there!
It's so rare for someone to be present and notice you. Those people are the ones to have in your life, the ones who remember you had something - an important meeting, a stressful project, a scary health important, a cool trip - and remember to ask how it went.
You are right, truly relations whom your way of life matters to
not mere bunch of fools who doesn't care of people's emotion
You are 100% on point... thank you.
@@donttreadonme2 of course
Those people who heard you say you had something....and remember to follow up on it. So welcome and sweet.
I find some people interrupt so much, talk about "I ,I ,I...." . It's telling. (What happened to 'we'?) I'm exhausted from it. I try to think before I speak, and people try to think for me. They butt in, and it's not what I intended at all. I've had to hold up a finger (wait, give me a chance...), even a hand, to share an idea or story. I want to say "Shut up and listen". I have commented "You're so busy talking for me, that you haven't heard a word I've said!"
All this to say that genuine listening is a treasure.
100%
It is difficult when you don’t have a solid good example from your parents. Learning from education and videos such as this has been extremely helpful! I appreciate the valuable information on this channel!!! Thank you!
I was raised by narcissists in a chaotic, sometimes violent home. Most of the people I've been involved with have been narcissists. After years studying and in therapy, I hope someday to have a healthy partner and co-create a healthy relationship. 💖
My mother was a narcissist so how could I possibly know what was normal? I was gaslighted for 18 years under her roof. Naturally, I married a narcissist. Didn't know about love bombing. God, I wish this information had been around decades ago. I lived with a narcisst for 40 years and still attract them.
There are no words that can describe how grateful I am for these sessions
Thank you for watching🧡
No contact is the best way to clear your head.
Only way to go 🎉🎉🎉
It hard to but it the only way you will heal.
23 years in a narcissistic relationship. 10 years later I am still single and trying to heal. I've been in 2 relationships since my divorce and both were with narcissists. I know now that I'm not healed completely because I keep attracting them. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than live in chaos. I've also struggled with friendships...also chaotic and full of drama. My life is very lonely at 51 years of age but I prefer the peace to the chaos and I honestly seem to be a magnet for these type of relationships. I've questioned if I am the real problem and I can now say that yes, I am somewhat the issue due to enabling and allowing the bad behavior by not having strong boundaries. Stay single and heal. Develop strong boundaries.
Echoing…
HI how are you? I was very interested in what you posted. I am going through something right now with my husband. how did you finally have the courage to leave?
Their favorite one: "You're accusing me of it so you must be doing it yourself." This is a way to twist a narrative and get you never to ask again to avoid consequences. Even if it's an innocent question or needing some kind of reassurance. They will turn every possible table on you when it suits them, and they'll play the game of pretending to be apologetic, issuing blanket apologies but never real ones. They're only sorry when they get caught, and they'll still defend the behavior because it "meant nothing" to them. They'll try to convince you that what you are seeing isn't real and that it's just your perception that's the problem, not their actions.
Interesting reading this comment specifically cause I would say this to him. I was not doing what he would accuse and and often ask him if he was the one since all my jumping through hoops and proof giving was always not enough and met with more accusations Eventually finding out he was the one messaging his ex girlfriend and going in dating apps when caught he would blame me! Also when accused of a like in instagram or a text from a guy it truly would be innocent. I know it reading this specific comment I thought omg am I the narcissist? But too much to type and explain
@@jenniferanselmo2841 I feel your frustration in this post. I don't even know you, yet when I read this, I felt my heart break 💔 for you. I'm so sorry you've had to endure this type of bs that usually ends up making you feel l.ike YOU'RE the crazy one and there's maybe something wrong with you. Its so messed up. Then, I when I read the very last sentence about "so much to tell.. its way to much to sit here and type all out.." I could totally relate. That's when I felt even more frustrated for you! You are not alone miss jenniferanselmo2841. If you ever need to vent or need to get some shit out, you can hit me up anytime. Sometimes for me, it feels better just to get it all out. Also, sometimes it helps to have someone who actually gets what you're going through and can remind you that you AREN'T the crazy one , and that you ARE worthy of a normal, happy, non toxic, loving relationship. 💯 Take care of yourself.
You are not narcissist but your ex possibly is. I had the exactly same experience and conversations like yours with my ex. He constantly falsely accused me and gaslight, he even apologized every time and pretentiously submissive like he d give everything to have a great relationship with me. Then I found out my suspicion about he s the one who had done what he accused me… and I took records on what he said and did… this time he could not argue with me and I instantly blocked him
💯 exactly like this !
It's amazing how she puts into words all the drama I have been through which I myself could not put into words or understood what was going on while beign with my ex. My Greatess regret is not leaving him sooner. Also, Grateful to this lady for all the knowledge she freely gives to help us in this journey.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to check out the interview! So glad you enjoyed it🧡
Amen 💯
Exactly. If she were to travel to city to city for speaking engagements, people would go just to be able to say thank you in-person.
you did it, be happy, xx
Yes, it's intetesting how it is like a playbook, instruction manual that narcs follow.
I’ve only watched the first 17 minutes of this video and it has already changed my perspective on relationships… Dr. Ramani is a national treasure and Lewis is a great interviewer.
Leaving was the best thing for me. I realized how happy I became once removing myself from this relationship.
I love this channel, even if you don’t agree with all that’s said there isn’t a time where you won’t take something from these discussions with truly intelligent enlightened professionals. You don’t get that on TV
Glad this was helpful for you🧡
100% agree 👍🏽 😏.
Was just thinking the very same things.
How spectacularly wonderful is it?!!!!!!!!
Reading threw the comments is such a support for me and realizing I m not alone. And there are others that are going through it as will as living there lives after getting out . Thank you everyone for the videos, comments 🙏✌️❤️😊
🧡🧡🧡
Ya not alone sista 🎉
From Chicago with Love
💘 been there,
Same!!! It's awesome to know it wasn't just me. It's so great to know people out there are trying to educate themselves and heal. The community is out there!!
Seeing a man in a 20 your relationship and currently still living with the narcissist. He loves me but can't figure out how to leave her. These videos help us discuss how to handle this situation. It's more difficult than my divorce was.
My ex husband grumbled about how much better I looked after our split. I'd dropped a ton of weight from divorce stress. I let him believe what he obviously feared, that my life was far better without him. And it was!!!
Wow that's amazing. Good for you! 🙏
I’m a year and a half out still struggling to get over it! No contact at all. The injustice of what he did still hurts everyday! The thought of ever being with someone again seems impossible!
I feel like we’re in a similar place - hurts every day. Being alone is way better than the abuse, but really hope I can get to a place where I can trust (and at least have the possibility of being with someone again some day.) hang in there - be kind to yourself.
Relationships are work. It's okay to take a break and just enjoy the quiet of solitude. After a person gets to that space, it's hard to give it up.
Sad for you, it’s not your fault that you got stuck sometimes it’s a pattern that’s familiar & comfortable at first. Just like having alcoholic parents, you could be drawn to an alcoholic partner just because you know that kind of life of the party drinker. We found this in our family & it took three generations to wipe it out but several divorces. Best wishes to you for a happy life free of bad relationships.
@@soniarattocoaching keep working on it. For many of us it's a life-long possess.
Narcissism: the gift that keeps on giving.
@@soniarattocoaching I feel for you. I have been out 7 years now! Don't ruminate much now, but still don't trust and find myself unexpectedly triggered at times, and can't tell if it's accurate or PTSD.
That vulnerability is very real and what narcissists are attracted to…they sense that an agreeable conscientious person will offer them unquestioned attention/supply and cover for their bad behavior.
So very unfortunately, you are 🎯
I think one of the more difficult things to do is to to keep others from determining 'who we are' and instead reserve that job for ourselves alone.
🧡
So simple, yet so TRUE & POWERFUL...that's what your words are. I thank you for them.
My narc always tells me about myself but says no one can tell him who he is
Shoot - I’m on 10 years. 13 years with a narc sociopath - I am so happy alone- I can’t ever imagine being with anyone again tbh. I don’t want sex, I don’t want anyone in my space - I like quiet and doing everything for myself by myself. I’m my own best friend.
No one can make you happy- except you.
Better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship!! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
my narcissist was SOOOOO BORING....just no depth of connection or sincerity.I'd say there was no good days really.I was in lemirence..now i see it.never again
The beauty of this is how applicable it is to non-romantic relationships as well. Trauma bonded, codependent friendships can be just as difficult. This has really helped me. Thank you.
Living with narcissistic people is much worse than living alone.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing this powerful video with us.
5 years after the breakup, I'm still messed up....we were together 16 years. It's gonna take a long time to heal😭
Same...we share children so I still have him in my life.
@@uknpdsurvivor660 yeah same
...it sucks, gonna have to deal with them forever but we just gotta work on gray rock and being indifferent
Mine was eight and a half yrs, and I was so controlled, isolated, and manipulated. I have to completely unlearn so much. I was discarded suddenly, 7 months ago it was so traumatic. My heart hurts too so its going to be a long time fir me
@@heatherkennedy8213 Im sorry to hear that...Just take all time you need. One day you'll realize that you are sooo much stronger and have much more knowledge and selfrespect bc of this experience...Wish you all good in future! 🙂
I'm at the end of my rope so I searched "how to move on from toxic rel." And here I am. This makes so much sense. I was ready to give up on life im so exhausted and and now i have a little hope again.. yes i will be okay& it will get better . Thank you
Don't give up on this life. We're all in it together.
Dont give up! If you typed that in the search bar, you are well on your way! Best wishes to you and your journey.
It's weirdly like we're all involved with the same messed up person. 😂🤦♀️😬
15:57.. I want to cry. Because I know I need to hear this again and again, but it's still hard ...
I mean the whole wiping test ... Cause I know he won't.... Everything about me is gross or repulsive or is a reason to stay away from me TO HIM.... And I keep trying like I'm going to magically change the heart of this 42 year old narcissistic sociopath who is ego driven, always out for the next good looking girl, is completely heartless, and doesn't see ANYTHING WRONG with the way he is.... Then he tells me I need to go see therapist... Yes. I do. I agree. Now more than ever.
Girl...get tf out of that relationshit. Save yourself. Therapy is a very good idea.
Safe yourself!
It’s going to get better soon when you manage to leave!
@@oWMatt thank you. It's just hard because I have nowhere else to go. I moved to this state and the only family I have is my twin sister who lives in his house and he occasionally has flings with .... I stay in a trailer in his backyard... He told me to "be kind and if I wanted love to be loving"... I tried that for 4 days straight 3 days ago I just stopped because he still treated me like crud. It's hard. It's just hard....
@@krivoli86 thank you very much... I'm trying to find a dirt bike, or a quad, an ATV or UTV for sale that goes at least 35 mph but can carry some weight, so I can get my stuff out of here when he kicks me out again. . Myself, I weigh 83lbs and I'm 5ft even.. so I can't get a big dirt bike. I've been looking into quads and electric bikes too. My stuff is not much but it's all that I have. It's just clothes and the last time he kicked me out, I went back to Cali and he gave some random girl all my clothes, after he slept with her, because she showed up at his house in a tiny dress and no underwear. 😕 It sounds crazy, but this is all true....
Please leave. Love yourself. You will be ok, 🙏.
Love is patient,love is kind,it does not envy, or is not proud or self seeking. It always has hope,joy&trust, true love always persurvers true love never fails.
The echo of their personality still haunts. Now I can let go and forgive them for their ignorance. I learned how I treasure freedom to express myself.
The thought of another relationship terrifies me! He told me I was the convert narcissist…I constantly questioned myself, now with therapy and healing, I know he was the narcissistic abuser.
My husband and I drove across country together and said this trip will either make or break us. Happy to say we had the best time and are happily married!
🧡
I spent 10 years on my own (concentrating on myself and bringing up a 7 year old) I've now been married for 16 years (together for nearly 20) and someone I got to know as a friend first.
Dr.Ramani!
Thank you!!!
I always wondered why I kept going back to the narcissist in a 6 year relationship ( not living with him, thank goodness). I found out that their toxicity is like a drug. The highs and the lows. When you hit a low you want more of the drug, so you go back. This made me feel like I was okay, knowing why!
I haven’t spoken with him for around 5-6 months, but I still think about him. 🤷♀️
I feel you.
“Don’t shame your triggers. You don’t have that line into your sympathetic nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system is always going to be quicker than you.”
Spend time with yourself to create the relationship you want from others. It may take time but you are worth it. Once you find the real you, it is easier to find the good person for you and avoid the toxic one too. Please don’t jump to new relationship before you process the old one.
Absolutely!
I didnt even go on a date for 3 years, then i went out with a guy for 8 months. Noticed traits and patterns that were red flags, broke it off. Now im at 4 year mark (on feb 15) and i think i have found someone who meets the mark. The first thing i looked for was communication, emotional availability, respect and consistency(all on appropiate levels) it feels safe
Thank you both so much for this podcast. I know now that i’m not crazy and that my feelings and experiences are valid. And that whether or not my partner is actually Narcissistic (he does have many many traits), I am confident now that I should put myself first and exit the relationship. Thanks so much 🙏🏽
You're welcome,thank you for watching🧡
Me too
Be safe as you exit, sending Light ~ You've got this!
Thank you Lewis and Dr. Ramani for this wonderful talk. This helps me so much!!!⭐️❤️
My relationship was so shattering to my co dependent reality, that I will continue to suffer if I don't take care of myself first and enjoy the simple life that I always wanted anyway. Here I am enjoying my life with a cat in my lap.😺
I'm glad you make it a point that you "have to remember" to take care of yourself. Sad reality. Enjoying life with the "cat in your lap"... I love that part 😍. Happiness to you always...
Love it. How many times have you heard, 'See how someone detangles a ball of Christmas lights and you'll know a whole lot about them pretty quickly.'
To be honest I didn't want another man to touch me after my Narcissistic ex. I felt like I'd gone through an operation and getting all my organs and and everything in my body taken out. I felt just like a shell of a person and I remember sitting in a pub having a drink (non alcoholic) by the window and I couldn't even let my best friend John just hug me because he felt compassion for me after everything I'd been through. I didn't want to be touched by a friend. I just remember thinking, sit on the opposite side of that table. I was uncomfortable by him just sitting next to me and if I didn't want to be touched or held no one was dating me for a very, long time.
Dr Ramani and Lewis together! This is so good.
I owe Dr Ramani the validation I needed to leave many fears and doubts behind. Love to see her spread the message of awareness and acceptance 😍
After two years of watching her videos and less than a year in her healing program, I am a new and less anxious woman.
Dr Ramani first be friends than lovers....test...them...ladies...be good and do not believe in the Prince...
@@myriamfersing7935 yes theres no knight and shining armor coming to ride down on you and carry you off into the sunset. They're complete evil
It's been over a year for me and I'm getting to indifference. I really feel this.
I want us all to question what is it that makes us want a relationship that bad? It shouldn’t be so important that we throw ourselves and our true dreams away 😢
Because we hope to return to how amazing it felt in the love bombing stage. And we are addicted to the roller coaster 💔❤️🩹❤️
I am going to watch this again and again. This is super insightful. Came here because I want to kickstart my healing journey but I got pieces of information that is shedding light on a lot of issues I have.
OMG!! That actually happened to me.. one day i just woke up and realised i hadn't thought about my husband for that whole entire "yesterday" and i just felt so happy and kinda victorious. Since then, his betrayals and lies don't affect me as much as they used to. But yeah, still remember that moment, it was pretty powerful for my recovery
I’m my world, Lewis is the love of my online life. ❤❤❤
You can truly feel the warmth of his heart with each of interviews with amazing guests - lipton, dispenza, and everyone else. 😊
Appreciate you and your support🧡
This conversation has been so helpful
Just gone no contact for 6 months. It's been the best tool for me to get free and get some distance from the narcissist scammer I supplied for 2 years. This conversation puts things into perspective for me. And continues the healthy introspection I started so long ago. Blessings, Lewis and Dr. Ramanii.
Ditto wish he wasn’t so much younger than me, lived near me and I could at least spend time with him. There are NO men as beautiful inside & out; sadly most ALL men are “out to lunch” ❤️ u Lewis…
She is THE BEST. I love watching interviews with Dr.Ramani, reading her book, listening to her podcast. What a lovely lady we can all learn so much from. Much love to all 💚
Don't be afraid to lose them as actually, it's usually impossible to get rid of them. They come back for some ego stroking....
I put his ass in jail I dare a mf too show his face 😂😂😂
Truth!
100%. Very selfish and inconsiderate.
25:55 I’m having flashbacks listening to this experience. My ex did not celebrate with me, and always made it about himself, worse, made me feel bad by comparing how I have a better life than he does… he did this more than once! He dimmed my light 💡
Wow wow wow wow. I gotta rewind this a few times. Admittedly, I was the type of person that was emotional and pathologically jealous with my mate.. Weirdly territorial .. And i learned the hard ways that my narcissist really has no emotion to care at all about non of that. Whew! My healing is so necessary
Love dr Ramani. Could listen to her forever. And I have never even been with a narcissist
Never? Thats amazing
Lucky!!
You'll probably have all the red flags memorized. Yet may get caught in a snare briefly as some are so good at playing a role. I didn't hear it all this one, but will. My 2c... keep autonomy (friend meetings, hobby or sport,, make one if you have to, a hike, a jewelrey class, a pottery class, etc.) with vague answers about return time l, as in 'about 3 hours, if we don't go for coffee'. Or one of your friends is really chatty. And always do this and watch for irritation or the -why they aren't as important type comebacks. Just do it.
Plan things together, but need a stop during. They are task oriented, there, done, home. Need a Sammy, or ask to stop at coffee shop. Watch again for irritation to your 'need'. So it 6 mos if it takes that long. *Listen for invalidating of you I'm comeback.* Make sure you both do things together you both actually decide on. One time may be their desire, times need to be your desires also. Period. Without the other pouting or putting it down. How much feed back do you get when you talk about your ideas. Genuine, intelligent feedback. I would.not share your skeletons, your foibles, your shortcomings unrill the other is at least a year into relationship, if then. Vet their history of family relations and meet if you can. Vet their job. Meet their close friends. Trust your instincts after a yr. Are.they vulnerable? Beware of expensive gifts. Mostly it's the interpersonal between you two as flying monkeys abound around narcs. Don't alwa6s be available and don't justify why. Be vague. Guard your heart. Be cautious with it. If your going to have a long term relationship today is part of your tomorrow. Become friends. If you leave se>< out you won't be blinded by emotion and the bond it creates. Clouds your judgment and men think there is commitment on your oart. And it sounds harsh but taking time to develope a friendship is crucial. These are the days if a pandemic of toxicity. Easier to be cautious now than have to recover later. Best wishes for a healthy relarionship.
Lucky you I'm surrounded by them my family and work I can tell you this much its a living hell it's only once I was out of my environment when I was around some positive people that I realised how toxic the environment I was in
I hope you will never be it’s horrible
I'm looking forward to being alone it's the only way for me to be able to heal. I know there will be triggers as we have a child together. But I will seek out therapy and start my healing journey. Just knowing there are channels on RUclips that have first help me identify what a narcissist is but now educating myself is helping me and giving me such hope that I can do this I'm worth it and I deserve to be happy and live the life I was meant to
I searched for someone who I felt was in a similar situation I share a three-month old with a guy who I believe is a narcissist. I too am seeking therapy, because the gaslighting and the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse has been so tormenting. Trying to co-parent with him is so aad because the lady that he is seeing now does not know he has a new baby and he's refusing to see him if he can't see me and I'm not ready to see him after learning so much and being disrespected, but I do know that things will get better. We will not always feel so hurt and disappointed for falling in love with the thought of what could be. Hang in there and keep me updated on your healing journey.
I've noticed that the angry narcissist gets a lot of attention, but the indifferent, cold, and cruel passive aggressive one stays hidden. That's what I'm encountering in a roommate. The abuse is so subtle I hardly notice it, then I look back and realize just how rotten the moment was. It's like gaslighting without words. See you can't trust your intuition or your instincts. What a smokescreen. It becomes very difficult to navigate decisions and pull my resources up around me and leave. This interview is pure gold here ∆ Thank you, and now I'll follow peace.
For some reason, "lets see how it goes" is a trigger for a lot of people that have been future faked in the past.
It totally can be a trigger. The moment I hear that I feel anxious, crazy and want to run away. It's almost traumatic haha.
So many gems in this interview!!! She is so spot on accurate and really helpful breaking down the types of narcissism and differences with psychopathy. Thank you for bringing this to the world!
You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡
Knowing when to start a new relationship is very subjective and individual and the longer the better so as not to repeat the same cycles of abuse. I’m 47 & have been married twice, both are narcissists but very very different personalities. The most important lesson I’ve learned is I will never continue a relationship of any kind with an abusive person.
This is brilliant :) So interesting. I missed out on relationships in my 20s and got married in my late 20s with a romantic view of love and always thought that most people would be like me. But in my mid 40s (divorced) i am realising how complicated and knowing yourself is so important. Setting boundaries is key and knowing your values is important too. This is very insightful. I just got discarded by a narc one month ago after 3 years..im going to explore my new life and enjoy a fresh beginning (again).
Thanks for being here!
What a beautiful and inspirational conversation. I especially appreciate how he is so open and vulnerable about his experiences as a survivor of narcissistic abuse. It can be harder for men to find that freedom to express and explore avenues of healing with others. It's a sign of real inner strength. I love the clarity both of you have gained in relationship with yourself and others. "What they meant for harm, G-d meant for good." Thank you for sharing your experiences and your insights toward helping so many heal.
That’s how I feel the same
about being authentic. And taking it really really really slow.
I can't understand that I survived living in an abusive narcissistic relationship for the past 17 years.... I'm on my way out...all thanks to Dr.Ramani, Mel Robbins and Lisa A Romano🙏🏻✨💝
I was in toxic relationship more than 15 years. Lately had so enough, while fighting with depression, partner told me you have top class smashed brain. It is absolutely crazy that hurted people can't see level of toxic thay are in. Thank you for amazing information 🙏 ❤️ 😊
Magdalena 👍
I was married for 20 years of that narcissistic person. He was so abusive in so many ways. He and his siblings helped him try to destroy me. He destroyed me financially, emotionally, physically abused me. I had two children with him and he abused them too! I cannot forgive. I cannot trust anyone.
Wow … 20 years.
A few months have been enough to destroy my being. I am grateful I recovered and the spell is slowly fading away
The thing is most of your experiences have been with a toxic person. Trust me I know what it feels like. But the key is to spend time around healthy environments and good people. You can take your time to observe people and how they interact etc. But trust me there are still many good people and believers even out there
The pain he caused you shouldn’t be forgiven, but bury it in the past where it belongs. People don’t have to die to be ghosts; his memory of hurting you will haunt him forever. Trust with caution.
All of this is very important! I was with a narcissist for 6 years and I have had to be single for almost the same amount of time. To unpack what just happened. Now I am able to see how my body reacts to certain situations. And loving me more now I have more people move toward me that is very loving and emotionally safe.
I'm losing my s***. I have a narcissistic mother that I have to go deal with Because everybody tells me to cause she's 85 But the level of abuse and manipulation Is freaking me out. It's time I speak the truth.
Be careful about speaking your truth.. it can inflict narcissistic injury and that can cause narcissistic rage.. just be careful. Sometimes just knowing the truth and protecting yourself by low contact or no contact is the absolute best and most peaceful way to go..
@@astrialindah2773 Well said- narcissistic dont care about resolving our truth- only that you have to seriously pay for the injury by bringing up your hurt.
I’m so glad this video exists, and I’m so glad that something aligned in the universe (or RUclips algorithm) took me to this video. I have learned so much and it is a kickstart to my healing journey.
A commenter below said that it can be incredibly hard to leave the relationship with a narcissist, and I just want to encourage those who who are struggling to trust in yourself and please put yourself first. You might be a highly sensitive or highly empathetic individuals and the narc knows this and will continue to use your kind heart to get what they want. Love yourself first. You might think they’re so important to you, but at the end of the day, the single most important person in your life is YOU. You are there to pick yourself up, be there when you cry, and laugh, take care of yourself when you’re sick. So protect yourself at all costs.
If you can’t leave, or after leaving you’re still tethered, you can disengage, and set firm boundaries to protect yourself from their weapon, because you bet they will wield it when things (you) don’t go their way.
2023 will be a year for healing and growing with lots of hope that we will all get the love we deserve.
I just got out of a toxic relationship . He told me he was not a narcissist out of the blue one day. When we broke up I know he truly is one. Now 3 months later he is hoovering. It feels so good because I do not want him back and I am enjoying being myself and liking everything I like. I am already at the point where I would rather be alone than with someone like that. I am not going to date until I know I am completely over it. This is my 5th break up with this bad person and I was already on the way out when we broke up. He is a sick puppy and I am going through all the things he told me so when and if I ever hear them again I am going to run! I am not sure if I want to date again. If I feel any of the things I felt before then I will not engage. Lesson learned.
As a survivor of living in a psychological servitude relationship and even years of therapy, I can’t imagine being in another relationship.
You can NEVER have a conversation or tell them what you're doing, what you learned, and how you feel....the list goes on! They will contradict you in everything!!!! I say very little: very much stay to myself. I could go on but the message being told has said it all!!!
It’s so much to heal from - the relationship and their family members that knew this person was toxic and never cared enough to help
Divorced after 15 plus years of marriage. I'm figuring out who I am after being in a toxic marriage. Healing is definitely a process.
Take your time it's going to get so much better....remember no good change comes without discomfort...be kind to yourself.
@@nessauk2786 Thank you! I'm actually the one that filed. It was tough, but I'm thankful for my "inner circle" and my counselor that really provides perspective and help me with developing mechanisms to sustain my mental well being.
I love that both Dr. Ramani and Lewis are taking on these topics. Dr. Ramani, your videos have been instrumental in my coping with a malignant and Lewis, I've always found your energy very authentic and calm, very ideal. Thank you for this video.
You're welcome,thank you for watching🧡
I'm totally with Lewis. I'd rather live alone with my dog who accepts me for who I am and never gaslights against my truth then live under the tyranny of constant trauma.
It took a really long time before I realized I had spent most of my life with a narcissist because I didn't know what it was called. Once I understood and I recognized she had entered the discard phase then I was more than happy to help push it over the ledge.
Every, and I mean EVERY single sentence in this interview is so precious.
I really wish I knew about all this 25 years ago! Omg, the years I would have saved...
What an AMAZING, AMAZING discussion between two GEMS! Thank you, from the bottom of my healing heart.
I saw those signs early in the relationship but had no idea what was happening. I realize now 30 years later. I’m healing slowly.
What a brilliant and caring woman. Always stunned by her insight and open communication. Thank you.
I have just finished with my nar. After 11 years...on off relationship...didn't live together but he lives five minutes away...so scared of running ni g in to him...hard to forget him and hard to start a new relationship with him so close...a violent narc...help
My opinion is that at least one year you should be alone. After one year you will see that you are starting to heal. Every cell i our body has memory. So you have to rewrite that memory. This works for me. To stay single you have to be very strong. Keep doing what you are doing Dr Ramani!
It's about them in order to keep the peace..... have been free for just over two years after a 22 year extremely toxic marriage and the first year was just getting past that all you have taught me about what I have been dealing with. The following year has been about working on myself and finding me again.... Thank you for all of your work, I am sure you have no idea how many of us you have helped Dr. Ramani .
Happy for you!!
love the thousand meals question! Very efficient.I already had 2 uneasy meals and I have my conclusion.
I loved your story about making the national team, then having to deal with her stuff instead of celebrating your victory. That hit close to home.
They only think of themselves so are not there when life really happens. I wish I had seen this in college. The abuse is devastating. Hard to forget with all the trama. Everything is a reminder.
Yes, after 5 years absolutely everything reminds me of him and it's unbearable.
“You are not enough”- I would love to hear more about that - thank you ☺️
I’m in this process now, healing. It’s hard but, it’s the best decision I have ever made. Thank you for this two amazing and powerful interviews, both of you are doing an amazing job ♥️🙏🏼