Thanks to Matthew for sharing his wisdom with us! Leave a “YES” if you enjoyed this and share the biggest moment for you. And make sure to subscribe to never miss out on inspiring content like this again RUclips.com/lewishowes
All that so called high value women with their list of high value qualities, should first learn about the fundamentals in farming, because people started to look for a partner just like they are in the grocery shop choosing amongst a variety of food, but they have no idea what's the quality control preceding the choosing. As I like to say: World is full of so many vegetables with only superficial visible qualities and poor nutritional facts inside. All You guys judge according to the envelope in a list and that's the pity of nowadays humanity! Life and love should go easily and really simply accompanied by the aim to be surprised avoiding to pre describe the surprises in a list....💡❣️🎉💯
Don't let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband, sometimes you have to show the courage of leaving people you care about in order to find people who care about you.
@@tishbailey2330 Absolutely, but think about lifetime of losing your self esteem and yourself entirely staying with someone who doesn't care about you the same way. This is where the comments from folks in their 60's saying they should have left sooner. You have the luxury of time to be decisive now, and the temporary period of healing is nothing compared with a lifetime of happiness.
It's so hard when you secure the first 3 and then discover that the last one isn't working. By that point, one can be super invested and in denial about the reality of the incompatibility. That scenario makes for a very unpleasant situation.
I don't deserve to have to spend the rest of my life, trying to convince a man that it's a good thing for him to be with me. If he can't see that for himself, then he's not the one for me.
I ended a 28-year marriage in my mid 40s; the hardest thing I've ever done. From the outside it was very 'white picket fence' so it threw a real wrench in every aspect of our world, but I knew I couldn't do another 28 years of the same thing. The disentanglement process with friends and family is overwhelming and takes a very long time, but fast forward 14 years, I'm married to a wonderful man and I'm glad I had the courage to make the changes I needed for me. My ex-husband, however, is still single and still sees himself as the victim. All I can do is save myself.
@@sashar5646 There are so many pieces to it... we married young and had two kids in the next few years. If that hadn't happened, I suspect the marriage would have ended by year 5, but we didn't separate until they were young adults. I became the caregiver for both the kids and him, and no one feels romantic about one of their 'kids.' It was just many things through the years that led to me losing respect and not loving him in that way any more. He's a wonderful man, just not one I could spend another 28 years with.
@@esthersbeautysecrets4541 Your story is the same as mine. Everyone says "I could never do online dating," including me, but that's where I met my current husband, and along the way I had a lot of fun and met many wonderful men!
This guy makes so much sense. Rather than make a list of boxes to check off, think about how the person makes you feel daily!!! What women mostly look for is security...that's a feeling that when you know, you KNOW!
Credibility is in actions. How they treat you. Words and actions need to be aligned. Alignment is: Values emotional maturity disposition character lifestyle and worldview. Shared goals. Health love is calm and safe. Communication and relationship skills. The ego seeks the external. Safe People by Henry Cloud Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Attached by Amir Levine Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record Kindness Consistency Communication Character Committment Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone.
“Taking care of my human” wow, never thought of it that way. So powerful! I do anything and everything for my kids but I never thought of myself that way. Thank you!
I was married for 30yrs. For 30 yrs I couldn’t have my man’s body… He was at peace in our marriage bcz he had me completely under his emotional control! He broke me down within 2 yrs. I had a nervous breakdown. I was on & off antidepressants. I wasn’t strong enough to file for divorce … I decided to turn the tables on him. He was okay with him causing me to suffer but he wasn’t okay with him suffering …He taught me how to treat him by how he treated me. It worked! Been single for 3 yrs & I’m loving it!
Exactly what I did. In one year, he completely cracked, put on 50 lb. I got in super shape. Then I left. Nothing I did, said was ever right, ever good enough. He was shocked. I told him, with all of the bad stuff you say about me, I took that as you didn't want me so I made a plan to leave. Why are you surprised?
I was married for 25 yrs & depressed which almost costed my life! Upon discharged from hospital I filled for a divorce. I realized he never minded even at that point! I'm healing, hope right will meet me one! It's important to love oneself, then love someone...
To ask that question you must be completely ignorant, never been married, or you’re the abuser. Only a controlling abuser would make that kind of rhetorical question/comment. A person with intelligence and education understands how liars, gaslighters etc… operates therefore they would be sensitive to what I went through for 30 years. That’s not you! I’ve been divorced for four years now & I’m at peace with being single! Find another person to harass, I’m not the one!
🙏 thank you for sharing this. I've only been in my relationship for a year and a half and I literally have been trying to figure out what is going on and I figured out & I said those same words"I can't have my man's body" he has said no and rejected me so many times and there's always some important excuse behind it that I don't even ask or try to be flirty anymore.... I'm starting to see that I am being conditioned and put under his control and I am trying to find my way out as my body is breaking down and I have already had several nervous breakdowns from sadness and depression.... if a man is not able to offer himself fully and freely to you than he is emotionally unavailable and I have learned not even to waste your time with those men especially if they haven't even done any work on them so.... we women cannot fix them with our love.....
Saw this video title on a day when I was crying about a fresh break up, just turned 62, still loved the guy, I was the one who lit the fuse, had previously been dumped after 34 years of marriage and this was the first new relationship after that. I kept thinking, am I crazy? What have I done? I needed this wisdom today. He didn’t love himself and I didn’t love myself and together it was a roller coaster ride of good highs and bad lows. He had destructive additions as well. Thank you for some clarity in this difficult time. I feel better about my decision and have a new direction to go forward. Thx!
Of course! Going through a breakup can be a challenging and emotional time. It's important to give yourself space to heal and process your feelings. Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you've learned from it. Surround yourself with positive influences and engage in activities that bring you joy. Remember, this is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. You're capable of rebuilding and finding happiness again. Stay strong! 💪❤️
Yes tkank you it's good to have someone out there to encourage us in this new sistem especially when you feel you need to find new ways 'of finding your self and happiness 💌
"Is there anything you need from me or what can I do to support you today... how can I make you feel more loved and more seen"....... this is a true man. I truly truly love this and I wish most men would think this way. I had to write this down so I never forget.... very uplifting and encouraging.
I thought so too at first, but then I woke up from that dream and realized I’m still living in a nightmare surrounded by psychopaths, schizophrenics, bi-polars, narcissists, canibals, murderers, rapists, domestic abusers, negligent and more types of men left in this generation of the end to our days here on earth. Save yourself now ladies. You don’t want to be with those men when the wrath of God comes upon us.
You have been speaking so much truth. Love is not enough. Lovers need to match lifestyles,morals,desires and dreams to work. Otherwise your lover should be a friend you love.
Ive been in long term relationships since i was 14. I always lived my life according to my boyfriends at the time and not doing the things that *i* actually want to do. I’m used to being the pleaser and do everything just so they won’t leave- but sometimes they leave anyway. Today i am 26 and i finally realize its time to open my eyes and do the things that good for *me* and being with a partner that making me feel good instead of anxious. Honestly this is so exhausting trying to hold on something that’s never going to change. I definitely need time to be single and enjoy it. Thank you so much for this video.
I love Matthew Hussey. I got his book “Get the Guy” and I got married less than 2 years later. I’ve been happily married for 4 years now. He’s the best dating coach in the world!
The last 20 minutes where Matthew talks about how to really love your self- your Human- and comparing that to the love of a parent and child, unconditional love, that was what really landed for me. Amazing interview- top 5!
I agree. Every time someone tells me that I should "love myself". I want to but how? I always end up looking at my insecurities and try to fix them like losing weight etc. The analogy of love between a child and a parent as the template of how we should love ourselves makes sense. Almost cried when he said that.😢
@@rubenrodriguez3013 Love is good, love is safe, love is happy. Focus on doing things (for yourself) that make you feel that way. This is an inside job, all of it. Abraham Hicks tought me a lot🎉 ❤
... I had someone who just fit me. We were an amazing team in everything. Had great communication and physically we were fire together. He treated me so well!! I could be me and felt like i was safe. He died 😭😭 and now I'm terrified of not being able to find someone who could match me that well. Or worse yet finding him and losing him too.
You have a great capacity to love and be a good partner. That experience give you a vision of an evolve and beautiful relationship. Don't live in the past, do you and open your heart to the new. Be happy and take that love to everything you do. You eventually find your people to share it, friends, family, community and when you are ready a partner. Live and enjoy your present, grow beyond the fear and find you happiness again. It's not in a person is in yourself.
I've been seeing someone for 5 months. We are pretty committed and our chemistry is excellent. It seems to be lasting bc are able to talk about our needs and agree both people must be happy and peaceful. We are openly authentic and committed to continuous adjustment and evolution of ourselves and the connection. In addtion prioritizing health and passion for ones career is of the utmost importance.
You don't need to recreate your life you need to detach from the life that you created from external sources. You need to detach from all of that nonsense and connect with that authentic self and the only way to do that is to remember who you were. Because that's actually who you are . That's what a spiritual awakening is
Agree in general. One caveat. Try to identify the parts of your authentic self that you may not feel good about and do that work to create the real authentic self that you want to be... Just a thought. Nobody starts perfect, ya know? Not saying to throw the baby out with the bath water, love yourself to heal yourself of course.
@@anoncspan4129 that's right. We have the ego we have the shadow self, these are all parts of our authentic self, and it's pretty authentic to have that subconscious mind fooling you and running the show. We become aware of this through meditation, we become mindful and that's when the connection with self occurs This is Awakening Where do you think that cliche phrasecame from in the first place ..we I've heard this phrase we have said this phrase and we've probably experienced it a few times, I know I have. It was a couple of ego deaths... Also known as a rude awakening
@anoncspan4129 yes! Through shadow work! Meditation will also help you sort through your subconscious mind. Suppressing the shadow self is common... we can't grow until we do this....very important point
When I heard Lewis's priorities, my breath caught in my throat and tears started streaming down my face. I have the EXACT same priorities and have spent years being resented by my spouse for having those exact same priorities. To hear it named by someone else was beautiful and I felt connected. Validated
When Lewis says he is always emotionally there for his partner, sees and appreciates her, makes time for their relationship, I feel this is the core foundation in building a long term relationship ❤
I had a boyfriend who claimed that he can’t be who I need him to be if he can’t take care of himself first. Ok that was fine, completely understandable, I agree. Then I had to go to the ER one day and he didn’t find it necessary to drive 30 minutes away on a work night. 6 months later we broke up
Holy moly. I have been feeling like I blew up my life and 24 year relationship over nothing because Ive asked for more (different) love and intimacy without reciprocation for years and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have been panicking for a few months now, questioning my decisions, feeling like a failure. I know in my heart this is a necessary ending and I will come out the other side more of the person i want to be but it is so, so, so difficult. Most of the time i can barely breathe.
@@suzettehorn4504 slightly easier Saif than done... at this part of things you just have to really focus on getting through every hour or half hour or quarter hour and know you can hold it together for that long. I think you know you'll be fine in the long run, but the hurt is there in the present. Good luck with it... you will survive and grow from dealing with the pain.
Mathew is really wise. He is tuned in with relationships. We in the US are so f__d up when it comes to living lasting relationships. We need his wisdom and insights.
They are kind of the inverse of each other the one explains it in the abstract and is really smart the other has lived it and is able to see it clearly and understands the reality of being a mature man but also probably a f**kboi previously lol. I think they’re also just on similar wavelength with some shared values.
Truth!!! I just want to find my person, my soulmate, in which we connect with each other that makes us both happy. I don't think you can create a list, because no one will ever check all the boxes.
As a therapist, I have seen many people change for someone else. They actually just start the process for someone else. As they self-observe, they realize it really is a problem for them too and it’s doable. I’ve also seen people start their change journey because their partner won’t go to couple therapy. If people are open minded and willing to look at themselves, it doesn’t matter why they came to therapy. I think it’s a myth that you have to want to change or hit rock bottom. Just get through the door
I love this. I think that is what has happened to me in my year and a half relationship.... I got with this man out of mutual attraction just assuming he had his s*** together and was intellectually and emotionally available and before you know it I've turned into somebody I don't recognize anymore and I'm not on my path at all.... my goals and dreams went out the door and I have been living my life for somebody else. I started the process for somebody else and I'm becoming depressed and energetically drained... he won't go to couples therapy. he said he'll go to his own therapy but that won't be for at least 6 weeks for when his insurance kicks in blah blah blah.... my body is breaking down I'm tired I've hit rock bottom and I'm untangling myself quickly....
I don't know about 'another,' wasn't looking for this one but I am not staying where someone willingly says things that hurt you and refuses to do simple things requested that bring you peace.
I ended my 34 year marriage after 10 years of constant on again off again infidelity on my spouse's part. I tried, I really did, but I was the only one in therapy, trying to make it work. Finally, my self respect and peace meant more. Blowing up my life is very accurate, as that is exactly how it feels. I'm 10 months into a separation and ultimately a divorce will happen. I regret not throwing the grenade 10 years ago. Rebuilding is so difficult at any stage in time. Thank you for this helpful video.
There is so much advice given about breakups and healing and finding someone else on social media. It's not so easy. You are not picking out a box of cereal, it' s about making a meaningful human connection with a person that you are willing to make the effort for. It seems to me that people are way to cavalier and casual about jumping in and out of relationships these days. The interviewer mentioned having many breakups. He is still fairly young. How could he possibly have been serious about all those women? As far as being in love goes. Many people are together because of oxytocin which has a trust and bonding effect. That's not the same thing as genuine love. A man can easily mute that effect due to testosterone, if he chooses. I read this in a women's magazine article over 40 years ago. They were explaining why it takes a woman longer to get over a man, while he just moves on. If you are older, in your senior years,it is a devastating experience to go through a breakup and not to be taken lightly. It' s no joke for a woman.
This is SO TRUE! Was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I am so proud of myself for having the courage to love myself enough to go through with it. I knew in my heart it would be worth it. I had to trust myself and what I was feeling like never before. It is like a death, Was married for 22 years with 4 kids, 3 adults and 1 teenager. I am walking with love, courage and trust that there is so much to look forward to living from a this place of amazing self love and love for all.... 🥰
I'm only 12 minutes into this podcast and I feel like it summarizes the last year of my life in terms of growth and everything I'm currently learning about love and life, grief, heartache, and betrayal and how to move past it. Bravo Matthew And Lewis for this episode
I still believe in self-care and self-love. The thing is a play of words. I grew up as an average kid, and my siblings and cousins were exceptional in school and other things. So one day, when I was in 5th grade, I looked at the mirror and said, "You're okay. It doesn't matter what they think. As long as you think you're okay, then you're okay." Self love was my strength growing up, and it still is up to this day. 😊 It just never should be perceived and defined egotistically. It should be defined soulfully, where everyone is stripped off labels and titles. 😊
My hindsight is that being kind of average growing up in terms of looks , grades and talents, had a few moments of glory here and there. Think I was a bit learning delayed and seemed like I had to work awfully hard to just get by - although had a few moments of glory here and there. But growing up and not getting a lot of societal validation for being anything so special - it sure makes getting older a lot easier. Nowhere to fall from… I notice with people that have been the high achievers in most aspects of their life there is a resulting loss of identity as they enter their golden years..,
Being "my human".. never thought of my life like this before. It's so powerful and beautiful and simple really. And instantly changes perception. Thank you Matthew, from the bottom of my heart.
So great to listen to these two gorgeous intelligent men interact with genuine liking and respect for each other on a subject they clearly care about.❤
If a guy told me those were his top 3 priorities, I would be ecstatic. I would be able to trust that man, and he'd support my priorities. Health being shared as #1 is ideal.
Exactly ❤nobody speaks about effort or sympathy anymore. It’s all about “ me” all over… look what they say “ I would like to find someone who caress about ME, so that I can stop just to care about someone else….. what about meeeee??? The word of God say “ you should care about yourself as you care about others “!!!! So, what kind of “ love” are the world trying to teach people?? Soon everybody will be just caring themselves and we’re not far away from the narcissistic people who at the time are so badly spoken of … so where’s the limit here? This kind of promotion is a proactively attitude to make us ready for “ a new coming system “… of te world. It’s not going to work out
First of all we always should be ourselves , not pretend to be someone we are not . When someone does not accept us as we are , this means that nothing will come of it and is simply a waste of his and our time . When we are truthful we give the other person a chance to choose . Anyway ... You can not pretend someone you are not for a long time so if someone pretends in relationship it is he himself who dooms his relationship to failure .
This man has he running on this road of healing - this all makes so much sense! The list of items vs how they made you feel. I can really appreciate the perspective of this and the reflection and center / grounding this is doing for me
I’ve learned after so many failed relationships that those priorities are ABSOLUTELY it. I MUST care for myself and maintain my purpose or not only am I no good to my partner, but I’m no good to anyone.
I would’ve changed if I knew where I needed to put more effort into. People need to also learn to communicate their needs and expectations. You can’t just have these one sided expectations and expect the other person to just know
That's true but most of the times i think people do say it, when it doesn't happen they feel rejected and like the other person really don't care for them...then they just say nothing else, they are hurt 😒
“People should learn how to communicate their needs and expectations” This is easier said than done. The BIG question is, is there a safe (healthy)emotional environment for the partner to share her feelings and expectation? Does the partner have the emotional and psychological capacity to receive that which needs to be communicated?
I appreciate him discussing the fear surrounding the choice to leave a relationship. I blew up my life and it WAS very hard to come to one realize it was what was best and then two actually doing with the trust and hope for a more harmonious relationship and life in the future. I still don't know if I will get that but I do know, a year later, that it was the best decision and I am happier without the relationship than with.
@@blackeneddovei can understand 🤗 but how long u gonna wait..there is never a right time...never i tell ya 18 years together spent about 12 of them ready to go time flies it seems there was and still isn't a right time but i finally did it too...i lit the fuse!
@@lala5061 18 years here, too. I just don’t know how to. Getting a lawyer and all that is so scary/daunting. And sounds super expensive. I don’t really have the money. 😕
How did you light the fuse? I feel like I push my husband to be the one to end our relationship so that I don't have to take full responsibility if it is a mistake to end it. This makes me a weak person, I know. The thing is, I pushed him too far in Oct 2022, and he told me he wanted me to leave and we'd be happier apart. I fell to pieces and was heartbroken. I talked him into not ending it. I had to go along with things I hated to get along with him. I moved out in Jan 2023 because I couldn't handle the situation with him and my son. That's a really long story. We decided to keep seeing each other and consider ourselves living separately but not separated. We talk multiple times daily, and I go spend Sunday evenings/ nights with him. I love him, but we really are not compatible in any way. I think we are both unhappy together, but neither of us wants to move on. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here writing this feeling like my heart is breaking. It's a lose/ lose situation.
It’s only been 6 months and while it’s been hard, I don’t regret it one bit now. Even though my extra wasn’t a “bad” person-it wasn’t right. I wasn’t right yet; a lot to work on and I didn’t see enough shared values or compatibility to make it worth it to work on it w him. I wish him the best, but in the end, it was the 100% right move for me.
I cannot tell you how much this helps. Lewis your way of interacting with your guests is the best style I've seen/heard. Thank you so much for being willing to share your experience with Martha and that convo. You put into words exactly where I am, so much better than I ever could have if I'd even tried. I know my values, but those are my exact top three priorities and I'm single and not even looking or interested in dating at present, but the relationships I have with the closest people in my life is #3. Also your discussion following where you both talk about what those three mean is so valuable. Especially that health includes all facets, purpose changes and may eventually include being a parent, but it's based on the calling I have and need to start in good health to know if and when that shifts. I've had my priorities all off most of my life even tho my values have not changed. I idolized a relationship and invested in the toxic person and our unhealthy marriage over my own health and calling and I'm finally twenty years later putting myself and my health first and foremost. Then calling.
Even I am in a happy and healthy relationship for 15 years now, I learn from and love what Matthew shares, how he communicates and definitely will buy the book😊
Universe just called me to finish myself with this kind of situation. Keep waiting and wanting this person can turn back and knowing this person won’t let me in his world anymore. Kind a sad to say this here but thanks Matthew and Lewis for this beautiful video. What a great video to me find a way knocking my wall of heart.
I have never been so engaged in an hour and 20 minute podcast before. Especially with two individuals I have never seen before in my life. But somehow I have been brought to this video. And I am so grateful. Now not only have I finished listening, I have returned to listen for a second time. And I will be getting the book as well. Trying to determine if I am to light the fuse to blow up my life or not. I have the lighter in my hand… Thank you, Matthew.
You felt so alone when you were in the relationship and then you pull the fuse and leave and then you’re still alone after you leave! Because you simply don’t trust anyone!
@@Oceansgreen after leaving my narcissistic husband after 30 years I have come to realize that I did what I could to save the marriage my intentions came from love and I will be damned to have him take my power! He is the one that is broken not me! I would rather live alone the rest of my life then live that life ever again! I had to look within myself and ask: what is broken in me to think that I don’t deserve to be treated better than what I am getting from him? Why would I accept this treatment?
I totally understand where you're coming from. Healing takes time and there is no timeline. We just have to try to do the best for ourselves day by day. Some extra help from others is also important. Don't get discouraged because there is life after the narcissist. Maybe not exactly the life you imagined but it can be a good one. I know because my life is still a work in progress post narcissist. Don't question yourself, you did the right thing. Don't look back look forward. Good luck in your journey to healing.❤️
Too much credit is put on being in a relationship there is far more Important things and being alone doesn't mean your lonely! You discover so much about yourself. Lewis howes comes across as very shallow. Matthew hussey is amazing so proud as a fellow English person. Just be yourself and you will find someone right for you. Don't worry about what your mum or friends would approve of. It's your life make you happy!
Validation is complementary. Some people don't want to be asked about what they need, some just need affection, doing a kindness, calling out of the blue and saying what are you up to, just thinking about you,a short conversation a quick connect.
Love begins and starts from within… we never have to earn anyone’s love. We were taught that it’s from an external source… wisdoms teaches you that it starts from within. Many of us adults learned to love and the source from external sources… re-learning to loving self from within… not from external sources.
Two of my favorite men talking about my life, my loss, my chronic pain, my perspective,.. Thank you for acknowledging my situation and showing me the way. You are good men. You are my Hope of a brighter future ❤
Just finished watching this and I cried at the part where Matthew was describing how we should be thinking of self love. Probably the most beautiful description I’ve heard anyone explain what that looks like. Thank you so much.
For those who are struggling with having such an amazing first date and the other person ghosted or it just didn’t go to far, I just want to tell you that just because you had an amazing date that doesn’t mean the other person had a great time also. Ilv been on the side where the date was just ok for me, but on the other hand the person had such an amazing time that they found it difficult when I said it wasn’t going to go any further. They even went as far to say that I was fighting off my feeling, so keep that in mind.
the last 20 minutes or so of this podcast was exactly what i needed to hear. im definitely going to be implementing this belief and sharing this with people who struggle around me. such a great switch in perspective.
Mattew that's very true. Most times it's not the breakup per say but your interpretations or narratives you make off it. Also note people change with time and person, so having to unchange that chemistry or lose the person and cycle used to is liken to breaking out of a bad habit, mourning or addiction withdrawal. Unfortunately many ignores intuitions and red flags, however just accept it as a blessing in disguise and God's redirection for better and walk away with gift of a smile and forgiveness. 😊
I believe change is possible in relationships if it is realistic & done incrementally on both sides. The key is being able to negotiate the changes so that its a win/win situatiion for both parties. Lots of patience needed!
I have experienced 3 divorces, which was financially a disaster. But I don't regret one. The mistake I made was that I always looked for attraction, understanding each other, and had no concept behind it at all. Just intuition, it worked for 13 years each, now already 15 years. I am happy and may be because intuitively, I watched myself regarding happiness, health, and commitment. Nevertheless I will buy the book. Thanks a lot. Great video.🎉🎉🎉
Matthew Hussey is very wise and picks up all the concerns another partner might have for relationship. This self love incessant talk never has totally resonated, but this conversation and relationship coach does. Wish I had heard this before to take better care of 'my human'. I often wonder if I was born in the wrong generation, I guess we can only keep trying, no matter what age. Have been beyond hurt,
I deserve love just because I'm alive!! And i love everything that's alive.. there are many diferent ways of loving, gotta stick with whats good for you ❤😘
This was an extremely beautiful, not to mention interesting, conversation, especially the my person segment at the end! It's important to add though that not all parents are capable of loving their child, or children, just for being due to their own unhealed trauma issues, which I can definitely attest to. ❤
This episode helped me a lot with grasping the idea of selflove that we are bombarded with all day every day and we tend to feel guilty because we can not comprehend the essence of it, but "Taking care of your Human" was awesomely put
Excellent content as usual. Glad to find you on here. I do not always find your shows. Let me make sure I am hooked up. The growth and elevation of your energy is wonderful to witness. Congrats you are smashing it!! My major milestone came when the self-love kicked in and I accepted me- many years of working on reframing life and experiences- The way to experience honoring yourself and creating a healthy relationship is something that is described in a way that makes total sense. Will seek out this book!!
Listen up Dumpers! This is so spot on! 🤯 But.... Honestly this was me a year ago. it's very hard to be the dumpee, but I thank everything and cherish the beautiful memories and more, since we have a wonderful child who is with me. Yes! I still have demons of toxicity in me and my emotions are still up and down but I can contain it and make myself calm and cast it away. It's all water under the bridge. As long as he is healthy and not sick, I am satisfied to see him that he is happy and content. I already forgive him and both of us are moving on, It's for my own benefits of inner peace and self love and good examples for our child, that we're going to be fine, that he's father is still around us and supporting each other in every way as a co parents. ❤❤❤
Love this!! Thank you for saying this because I definitely knew I shouldn’t get married when I was walking down the aisle but couldn’t bring myself to turn around and walk out. My first marriage was for our child I had already had.
Dear Matthew, I am SO GRATEFUL that someone has the courage these days to mention at least the possibility, that in fact some part of our behaviour really is not acceptable. We tend to swing from extreme to extreme, but witin the last decades I very ofte experienced people one would have called "egoistic" in former days. No we call it "heathy self-love". In my marriage I hadn't been less difficult than my other person in a sense of being too dominant, not letting others wishes and opinions ever be the compromise. The marriage almost ended, and this trauma for the first time really had me reflect on myself...with the eyes of the others. This changed me: From someone always trying to get my way I now listen...and can make compromises or even accept the other one's decision (for both of us). If I had told me "he doesn't love me because he cannot accept me the way I am..." I would have missed the essential point: I indeed had aspects of behaviour one should at least reflect upon. I delivered my part. He has to go through his own transformation. But we have a real chance that it works. Long story short message: Do not reject every critique reg. your personality without at least accepting the possibility that there might be truth in it.
I had to make him think he was the one leaving, beacause every time i tried to end it, he would go silient just to the point of maximumgrief and pain, then return all apologies and sweetness. I had to end it by breaking his 2 "conditions", something that he calibrated to go against everything i am. It was like falling on the sword myself or holding the grenade with the lit fuse instead of throwing it, the hardest but most necessary thing I've ever done.
Yes yes...mine was abusive in every way...he literally said he was a reactor I think i figured this out after many years finally he tells me towards the end several times "im a reactor" 🙄 so i had to make him so uncomfortable that he would decide to leave on his own 😅 when I kept trying to put him out it was just horrible...once he decided to cuz he thought he was hurting me it was better 🙄 freaking idiot 😂 good riddance long as it got done it didn't matter to me at that point 🤷🏽♀️
I've listened to Matthew before ... he is so on point ... he speaks about the two sides of a relationship dynamic. His knowledge and perception amazing 👏 Again, thank you both for sharing this talk, really good advice🙏🏼
Thanks to Matthew for sharing his wisdom with us! Leave a “YES” if you enjoyed this and share the biggest moment for you. And make sure to subscribe to never miss out on inspiring content like this again RUclips.com/lewishowes
Yes
Yes! Thanks for the out of your league question! Great questions all around 🙌
All that so called high value women with their list of high value qualities, should first learn about the fundamentals in farming, because people started to look for a partner just like they are in the grocery shop choosing amongst a variety of food, but they have no idea what's the quality control preceding the choosing. As I like to say: World is full of so many vegetables with only superficial visible qualities and poor nutritional facts inside. All You guys judge according to the envelope in a list and that's the pity of nowadays humanity! Life and love should go easily and really simply accompanied by the aim to be surprised avoiding to pre describe the surprises in a list....💡❣️🎉💯
Yes! ❤Thank you
Mathew has touched upon each and every point that I went through ..it's simply superb
Don't let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband, sometimes you have to show the courage of leaving people you care about in order to find people who care about you.
Damn....
Your maturity shines through. Excellent job.
So hard to do.😢
@@tishbailey2330 Absolutely, but think about lifetime of losing your self esteem and yourself entirely staying with someone who doesn't care about you the same way. This is where the comments from folks in their 60's saying they should have left sooner. You have the luxury of time to be decisive now, and the temporary period of healing is nothing compared with a lifetime of happiness.
well said
It's okay to mourn the fact that they were not the one, but don't mourn them AS IF they were the one. ❤
Thank you for this😢
I love this comment
THIS🤍
I remember Matthew Hussey saying this 🌞🙏
🤲🏽🕊️
Damn that was deep.. I think thats how I feel.. Like he's the one
😊🎉
1. Admiration
2. Mutual Attraction
3. Commitment
4. Compatibility
It's so hard when you secure the first 3 and then discover that the last one isn't working. By that point, one can be super invested and in denial about the reality of the incompatibility. That scenario makes for a very unpleasant situation.
I agree@@elsh332
@@elsh332yes
@elsh332 yes it does...if it naturally can't flow for real cuz people need to change drastically 😬 it's no point 😭
What if 1,3,4 are there and not 2- mutual attraction ☹️
I don't deserve to have to spend the rest of my life, trying to convince a man that it's a good thing for him to be with me. If he can't see that for himself, then he's not the one for me.
Thankyou for this. I needed to hear that
This!
Bingo!
Absolutely true ❤
So true how many of us have wasted valuable years in that position.
I ended a 28-year marriage in my mid 40s; the hardest thing I've ever done. From the outside it was very 'white picket fence' so it threw a real wrench in every aspect of our world, but I knew I couldn't do another 28 years of the same thing. The disentanglement process with friends and family is overwhelming and takes a very long time, but fast forward 14 years, I'm married to a wonderful man and I'm glad I had the courage to make the changes I needed for me. My ex-husband, however, is still single and still sees himself as the victim. All I can do is save myself.
Thank you for sharing! This gives me hope 🙏🏽
@2tzus you were brave! Congratulations for choosing you first and for the strength you built facing those situations. That's how we grow🙌💜✨👏
What were the reasons for ending it?
@@sashar5646 There are so many pieces to it... we married young and had two kids in the next few years. If that hadn't happened, I suspect the marriage would have ended by year 5, but we didn't separate until they were young adults. I became the caregiver for both the kids and him, and no one feels romantic about one of their 'kids.' It was just many things through the years that led to me losing respect and not loving him in that way any more. He's a wonderful man, just not one I could spend another 28 years with.
@@esthersbeautysecrets4541 Your story is the same as mine. Everyone says "I could never do online dating," including me, but that's where I met my current husband, and along the way I had a lot of fun and met many wonderful men!
Matthew Hussey doesn't know how grateful we are for his work
👍
Mathew is the best!
Lewis and Matthew are both admirable men.This conversation is a gift.Wisdom in its finest❤Thank you🙏
Love when two men have healthy conversations
Right?
Lol
Now I wanna see two women have one😂
Exactly!
two emotionally intelligent men thats the difference🧿
“How many times does something not have to work, for me to decide it’s not going to work.” Yes
This guy makes so much sense. Rather than make a list of boxes to check off, think about how the person makes you feel daily!!! What women mostly look for is security...that's a feeling that when you know, you KNOW!
Credibility is in actions. How they treat you.
Words and actions need to be aligned.
Alignment is: Values emotional maturity disposition character lifestyle and worldview. Shared goals.
Health love is calm and safe.
Communication and relationship skills.
The ego seeks the external.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Attached by Amir Levine
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future - Sam Vaknin podcast
Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
Kindness
Consistency
Communication
Character
Committment
Standards boundaries a bs detector and a backbone.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Do both. If you don’t have the right feeling, there is no point. But if you don’t have compatibility, you’re just setting yourself up for pain.
“Taking care of my human” wow, never thought of it that way.
So powerful! I do anything and everything for my kids but I never thought of myself that way.
Thank you!
So much this!!
Because we hoped that one day they will change but they won’t !
To learn that we have change…
I was married for 30yrs. For 30 yrs I couldn’t have my man’s body… He was at peace in our marriage bcz he had me completely under his emotional control! He broke me down within 2 yrs. I had a nervous breakdown. I was on & off antidepressants. I wasn’t strong enough to file for divorce …
I decided to turn the tables on him. He was okay with him causing me to suffer but he wasn’t okay with him suffering …He taught me how to treat him by how he treated me. It worked! Been single for 3 yrs & I’m loving it!
Exactly what I did. In one year, he completely cracked, put on 50 lb. I got in super shape. Then I left. Nothing I did, said was ever right, ever good enough. He was shocked. I told him, with all of the bad stuff you say about me, I took that as you didn't want me so I made a plan to leave. Why are you surprised?
I was married for 25 yrs & depressed which almost costed my life! Upon discharged from hospital I filled for a divorce. I realized he never minded even at that point!
I'm healing, hope right will meet me one!
It's important to love oneself, then love someone...
So for 30 yrs you played the victim?
To ask that question you must be completely ignorant, never been married, or you’re the abuser. Only a controlling abuser would make that kind of rhetorical question/comment.
A person with intelligence and education understands how liars, gaslighters etc… operates therefore they would be sensitive to what I went through for 30 years. That’s not you! I’ve been divorced for four years now & I’m at peace with being single! Find another person to harass, I’m not the one!
🙏 thank you for sharing this.
I've only been in my relationship for a year and a half and I literally have been trying to figure out what is going on and I figured out & I said those same words"I can't have my man's body"
he has said no and rejected me so many times and there's always some important excuse behind it that I don't even ask or try to be flirty anymore.... I'm starting to see that I am being conditioned and put under his control and I am trying to find my way out as my body is breaking down and I have already had several nervous breakdowns from sadness and depression....
if a man is not able to offer himself fully and freely to you than he is emotionally unavailable and I have learned not even to waste your time with those men especially if they haven't even done any work on them so....
we women cannot fix them with our love.....
Saw this video title on a day when I was crying about a fresh break up, just turned 62, still loved the guy, I was the one who lit the fuse, had previously been dumped after 34 years of marriage and this was the first new relationship after that. I kept thinking, am I crazy? What have I done? I needed this wisdom today. He didn’t love himself and I didn’t love myself and together it was a roller coaster ride of good highs and bad lows. He had destructive additions as well. Thank you for some clarity in this difficult time. I feel better about my decision and have a new direction to go forward. Thx!
Do not settle in a relationship. ❤
Of course! Going through a breakup can be a challenging and emotional time. It's important to give yourself space to heal and process your feelings. Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you've learned from it. Surround yourself with positive influences and engage in activities that bring you joy. Remember, this is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. You're capable of rebuilding and finding happiness again. Stay strong! 💪❤️
Yes tkank you it's good to have someone out there to encourage us in this new sistem especially when you feel you need to find new ways 'of finding your self and happiness 💌
I appreciate your feedback, thank you so much for watching! 🙏🙌
@@lewishowes Welcome
i love this
Thank you for both of you guys.
You're amazing and so open.
❤
"Is there anything you need from me or what can I do to support you today... how can I make you feel more loved and more seen"....... this is a true man. I truly truly love this and I wish most men would think this way. I had to write this down so I never forget.... very uplifting and encouraging.
It works both ways
@@pawejanecki9262 assuming the above person is a woman who dates men, therefore she worded it that way.
I thought so too at first, but then I woke up from that dream and realized I’m still living in a nightmare surrounded by psychopaths, schizophrenics, bi-polars, narcissists, canibals, murderers, rapists, domestic abusers, negligent and more types of men left in this generation of the end to our days here on earth. Save yourself now ladies. You don’t want to be with those men when the wrath of God comes upon us.
You have been speaking so much truth. Love is not enough. Lovers need to match lifestyles,morals,desires and dreams to work. Otherwise your lover should be a friend you love.
Ive been in long term relationships since i was 14. I always lived my life according to my boyfriends at the time and not doing the things that *i* actually want to do. I’m used to being the pleaser and do everything just so they won’t leave- but sometimes they leave anyway. Today i am 26 and i finally realize its time to open my eyes and do the things that good for *me* and being with a partner that making me feel good instead of anxious. Honestly this is so exhausting trying to hold on something that’s never going to change. I definitely need time to be single and enjoy it. Thank you so much for this video.
Healthy relationships also need trust , respect , good communication and shared goals.
Yes, and all these qualities are missing from a relationship with a narcissist🥹….so sad.
I love Matthew Hussey. I got his book “Get the Guy” and I got married less than 2 years later. I’ve been happily married for 4 years now. He’s the best dating coach in the world!
2 beautiful divine masculine souls having a great conversation. Thank you for this.
You're welcome, thank you for being here! 🧡
The last 20 minutes where Matthew talks about how to really love your self- your Human- and comparing that to the love of a parent and child, unconditional love, that was what really landed for me. Amazing interview- top 5!
I agree. Every time someone tells me that I should "love myself". I want to but how? I always end up looking at my insecurities and try to fix them like losing weight etc. The analogy of love between a child and a parent as the template of how we should love ourselves makes sense. Almost cried when he said that.😢
@@rubenrodriguez3013 Love is good, love is safe, love is happy.
Focus on doing things (for yourself) that make you feel that way.
This is an inside job, all of it.
Abraham Hicks tought me a lot🎉
❤
🤔🎯🏹 Let this sink in...
Self Priorities 🏆💗
#1: Health (Mind, Body, Spirit)
#2: Vision & Purpose
#3: Healthy Relationship
This is stronggggg
... I had someone who just fit me. We were an amazing team in everything. Had great communication and physically we were fire together. He treated me so well!! I could be me and felt like i was safe. He died 😭😭 and now I'm terrified of not being able to find someone who could match me that well. Or worse yet finding him and losing him too.
You have a great capacity to love and be a good partner. That experience give you a vision of an evolve and beautiful relationship. Don't live in the past, do you and open your heart to the new. Be happy and take that love to everything you do. You eventually find your people to share it, friends, family, community and when you are ready a partner. Live and enjoy your present, grow beyond the fear and find you happiness again. It's not in a person is in yourself.
❤
I've been seeing someone for 5 months. We are pretty committed and our chemistry is excellent. It seems to be lasting bc are able to talk about our needs and agree both people must be happy and peaceful. We are openly authentic and committed to continuous adjustment and evolution of ourselves and the connection. In addtion prioritizing health and passion for ones career is of the utmost importance.
You don't need to recreate your life you need to detach from the life that you created from external sources.
You need to detach from all of that nonsense and connect with that authentic self and the only way to do that is to remember who you were. Because that's actually who you are .
That's what a spiritual awakening is
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
Yeeesss 🙏🏽
Agree in general. One caveat. Try to identify the parts of your authentic self that you may not feel good about and do that work to create the real authentic self that you want to be... Just a thought.
Nobody starts perfect, ya know? Not saying to throw the baby out with the bath water, love yourself to heal yourself of course.
@@anoncspan4129 that's right. We have the ego we have the shadow self, these are all parts of our authentic self, and it's pretty authentic to have that subconscious mind fooling you and running the show.
We become aware of this through meditation, we become mindful and that's when the connection with self occurs
This is Awakening
Where do you think that cliche phrasecame from in the first place ..we I've heard this phrase we have said this phrase and we've probably experienced it a few times, I know I have.
It was a couple of ego deaths...
Also known as a rude awakening
@anoncspan4129 yes! Through shadow work! Meditation will also help you sort through your subconscious mind. Suppressing the shadow self is common... we can't grow until we do this....very important point
When I heard Lewis's priorities, my breath caught in my throat and tears started streaming down my face. I have the EXACT same priorities and have spent years being resented by my spouse for having those exact same priorities. To hear it named by someone else was beautiful and I felt connected. Validated
Those were not my priorities but they are now…
Me too! I have cried a river! He has validated that I am not crazy, and I have not been too much! ❤❤❤
When Lewis says he is always emotionally there for his partner, sees and appreciates her, makes time for their relationship, I feel this is the core foundation in building a long term relationship ❤
I had a boyfriend who claimed that he can’t be who I need him to be if he can’t take care of himself first. Ok that was fine, completely understandable, I agree. Then I had to go to the ER one day and he didn’t find it necessary to drive 30 minutes away on a work night. 6 months later we broke up
That was a narcissist. Glad you saw his true colours and decided to not ignore it or deny it. The silver lining of that lone ER stay!
Holy moly. I have been feeling like I blew up my life and 24 year relationship over nothing because Ive asked for more (different) love and intimacy without reciprocation for years and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have been panicking for a few months now, questioning my decisions, feeling like a failure. I know in my heart this is a necessary ending and I will come out the other side more of the person i want to be but it is so, so, so difficult. Most of the time i can barely breathe.
I am with you and praying that life rewards good decisions for both of us. In any case you did what was right for you. That is the path to happiness.
Understan what you are saying....you can hardly breathe....the truth is.....love yourself and move on.
@@suzettehorn4504 slightly easier Saif than done... at this part of things you just have to really focus on getting through every hour or half hour or quarter hour and know you can hold it together for that long. I think you know you'll be fine in the long run, but the hurt is there in the present. Good luck with it... you will survive and grow from dealing with the pain.
Sadly I know the feline but I also know the other side it's Werth it
Heartbreaking, I’m sorry
I was devastated when my girlfriend dumped me, but now I wouldn't want her back. It's such a relief!🙏
"I love myself because I exist❤". Powerful. Beautiful conversation as always. Thank you guys.
I love myself despite I exist, since existence is error-prone.
Mathew is really wise. He is tuned in with relationships. We in the US are so f__d up when it comes to living lasting relationships. We need his wisdom and insights.
The charm of Matthew is one can listen to him forever.
He is def G.O.A.T.ed!!!! Love him so much
Mr Hussey has matured so beautifully; he has soul and heart. A very decent gentleman. One can sense that these two gentleman love each other.
Thank you for seeing the good beyond the physical….
They are kind of the inverse of each other the one explains it in the abstract and is really smart the other has lived it and is able to see it clearly and understands the reality of being a mature man but also probably a f**kboi previously lol.
I think they’re also just on similar wavelength with some shared values.
Truth!!! I just want to find my person, my soulmate, in which we connect with each other that makes us both happy. I don't think you can create a list, because no one will ever check all the boxes.
I feel overwhelmed by reading the comments...they touched your soul , u realise u are not alone, and can do better in life
As a therapist, I have seen many people change for someone else. They actually just start the process for someone else. As they self-observe, they realize it really is a problem for them too and it’s doable. I’ve also seen people start their change journey because their partner won’t go to couple therapy. If people are open minded and willing to look at themselves, it doesn’t matter why they came to therapy. I think it’s a myth that you have to want to change or hit rock bottom. Just get through the door
As a client of someone in your profession. And keep coming through the door, do the work between sessions.
I love this.
I think that is what has happened to me in my year and a half relationship....
I got with this man out of mutual attraction just assuming he had his s*** together and was intellectually and emotionally available and before you know it I've turned into somebody I don't recognize anymore and I'm not on my path at all....
my goals and dreams went out the door and I have been living my life for somebody else. I started the process for somebody else and I'm becoming depressed and energetically drained...
he won't go to couples therapy.
he said he'll go to his own therapy but that won't be for at least 6 weeks for when his insurance kicks in blah blah blah.... my body is breaking down I'm tired I've hit rock bottom and I'm untangling myself quickly....
I don't know about 'another,' wasn't looking for this one but I am not staying where someone willingly says things that hurt you and refuses to do simple things requested that bring you peace.
I ended my 34 year marriage after 10 years of constant on again off again infidelity on my spouse's part. I tried, I really did, but I was the only one in therapy, trying to make it work. Finally, my self respect and peace meant more. Blowing up my life is very accurate, as that is exactly how it feels. I'm 10 months into a separation and ultimately a divorce will happen. I regret not throwing the grenade 10 years ago. Rebuilding is so difficult at any stage in time. Thank you for this helpful video.
There is so much advice given about breakups and healing and finding someone else on social media. It's not so easy. You are not picking out a box of cereal, it' s about making a meaningful human connection with a person that you are willing to make the effort for. It seems to me that people are way to cavalier and casual about jumping in and out of relationships these days.
The interviewer mentioned having many breakups. He is still fairly young. How could he possibly have been serious about all those women?
As far as being in love goes. Many people are together because of oxytocin which has a trust and bonding effect. That's not the same thing as genuine love.
A man can easily mute that effect due to testosterone, if he chooses. I read this in a women's magazine article over 40 years ago. They were explaining why it takes a woman longer to get over a man, while he just moves on.
If you are older, in your senior years,it is a devastating experience to go through a breakup and not to be taken lightly. It' s no joke for a woman.
This is SO TRUE! Was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I am so proud of myself for having the courage to love myself enough to go through with it. I knew in my heart it would be worth it. I had to trust myself and what I was feeling like never before. It is like a death, Was married for 22 years with 4 kids, 3 adults and 1 teenager. I am walking with love, courage and trust that there is so much to look forward to living from a this place of amazing self love and love for all.... 🥰
I'm only 12 minutes into this podcast and I feel like it summarizes the last year of my life in terms of growth and everything I'm currently learning about love and life, grief, heartache, and betrayal and how to move past it. Bravo Matthew And Lewis for this episode
Appreciate you for watching! 🧡
I still believe in self-care and self-love. The thing is a play of words. I grew up as an average kid, and my siblings and cousins were exceptional in school and other things. So one day, when I was in 5th grade, I looked at the mirror and said, "You're okay. It doesn't matter what they think. As long as you think you're okay, then you're okay." Self love was my strength growing up, and it still is up to this day. 😊 It just never should be perceived and defined egotistically. It should be defined soulfully, where everyone is stripped off labels and titles. 😊
Good on you and you were the most intelligent child of them all, not that it's a competition! ❤
My hindsight is that being kind of average growing up in terms of looks , grades and talents, had a few moments of glory here and there. Think I was a bit learning delayed and seemed like I had to work awfully hard to just get by - although had a few moments of glory here and there. But growing up and not getting a lot of societal validation for being anything so special - it sure makes getting older a lot easier. Nowhere to fall from… I notice with people that have been the high achievers in most aspects of their life there is a resulting loss of identity as they enter their golden years..,
Being "my human".. never thought of my life like this before. It's so powerful and beautiful and simple really. And instantly changes perception. Thank you Matthew, from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you so much for watching!
So great to listen to these two gorgeous intelligent men interact with genuine liking and respect for each other on a subject they clearly care about.❤
By the way, it was never about the nose. A shame she (and maybe he) didn't realize that quicker.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
#1 Health, #2 Vision, #3 Peace and Intimacy.
If a guy told me those were his top 3 priorities, I would be ecstatic. I would be able to trust that man, and he'd support my priorities. Health being shared as #1 is ideal.
Love might inspire you, but effort keeps the relationship strong.
Exactly ❤nobody speaks about effort or sympathy anymore.
It’s all about “ me” all over… look what they say “ I would like to find someone who caress about ME, so that I can stop just to care about someone else….. what about meeeee???
The word of God say “ you should care about yourself as you care about others “!!!! So, what kind of “ love” are the world trying to teach people?? Soon everybody will be just caring themselves and we’re not far away from the narcissistic people who at the time are so badly spoken of … so where’s the limit here?
This kind of promotion is a proactively attitude to make us ready for “ a new coming system “… of te world. It’s not going to work out
Gotta be willing to put the work in!
Loving yourself because I'm my human, it's my job. This is very healing.
First of all we always should be ourselves , not pretend to be someone we are not .
When someone does not accept us
as we are , this means that nothing
will come of it and is simply a waste of his and our time .
When we are truthful we give the
other person a chance to choose .
Anyway ...
You can not pretend someone you are not for a long time so if someone pretends in relationship
it is he himself who dooms his
relationship to failure .
So true
I really like this take!
This man has he running on this road of healing - this all makes so much sense! The list of items vs how they made you feel. I can really appreciate the perspective of this and the reflection and center / grounding this is doing for me
This Guy is super intelligent and wise. Thanks for having him Lewis ‼️‼️‼️
It's important for some of us dealing with " low self esteem ' self love is amazing.
I’ve learned after so many failed relationships that those priorities are ABSOLUTELY it. I MUST care for myself and maintain my purpose or not only am I no good to my partner, but I’m no good to anyone.
Love is an action. Yes.
The hard conversations are with myself. Yep. Absolutely.
I would’ve changed if I knew where I needed to put more effort into. People need to also learn to communicate their needs and expectations. You can’t just have these one sided expectations and expect the other person to just know
That's true but most of the times i think people do say it, when it doesn't happen they feel rejected and like the other person really don't care for them...then they just say nothing else, they are hurt 😒
“People should learn how to communicate their needs and expectations” This is easier said than done.
The BIG question is, is there a safe (healthy)emotional environment for the partner to share her feelings and expectation? Does the partner have the emotional and psychological capacity to receive that which needs to be communicated?
I appreciate him discussing the fear surrounding the choice to leave a relationship. I blew up my life and it WAS very hard to come to one realize it was what was best and then two actually doing with the trust and hope for a more harmonious relationship and life in the future. I still don't know if I will get that but I do know, a year later, that it was the best decision and I am happier without the relationship than with.
I lit the fuse that blew up my life... best thing i ever did.
I’m scared to do it. 😞
@@blackeneddovei can understand 🤗 but how long u gonna wait..there is never a right time...never i tell ya 18 years together spent about 12 of them ready to go time flies it seems there was and still isn't a right time but i finally did it too...i lit the fuse!
@@lala5061 18 years here, too. I just don’t know how to. Getting a lawyer and all that is so scary/daunting. And sounds super expensive. I don’t really have the money. 😕
How did you light the fuse? I feel like I push my husband to be the one to end our relationship so that I don't have to take full responsibility if it is a mistake to end it. This makes me a weak person, I know. The thing is, I pushed him too far in Oct 2022, and he told me he wanted me to leave and we'd be happier apart. I fell to pieces and was heartbroken. I talked him into not ending it. I had to go along with things I hated to get along with him. I moved out in Jan 2023 because I couldn't handle the situation with him and my son. That's a really long story. We decided to keep seeing each other and consider ourselves living separately but not separated. We talk multiple times daily, and I go spend Sunday evenings/ nights with him. I love him, but we really are not compatible in any way. I think we are both unhappy together, but neither of us wants to move on. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here writing this feeling like my heart is breaking. It's a lose/ lose situation.
It’s only been 6 months and while it’s been hard, I don’t regret it one bit now. Even though my extra wasn’t a “bad” person-it wasn’t right. I wasn’t right yet; a lot to work on and I didn’t see enough shared values or compatibility to make it worth it to work on it w him. I wish him the best, but in the end, it was the 100% right move for me.
I cannot tell you how much this helps. Lewis your way of interacting with your guests is the best style I've seen/heard.
Thank you so much for being willing to share your experience with Martha and that convo. You put into words exactly where I am, so much better than I ever could have if I'd even tried. I know my values, but those are my exact top three priorities and I'm single and not even looking or interested in dating at present, but the relationships I have with the closest people in my life is #3. Also your discussion following where you both talk about what those three mean is so valuable. Especially that health includes all facets, purpose changes and may eventually include being a parent, but it's based on the calling I have and need to start in good health to know if and when that shifts.
I've had my priorities all off most of my life even tho my values have not changed. I idolized a relationship and invested in the toxic person and our unhealthy marriage over my own health and calling and I'm finally twenty years later putting myself and my health first and foremost. Then calling.
Even I am in a happy and healthy relationship for 15 years now, I learn from and love what Matthew shares, how he communicates and definitely will buy the book😊
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
The definition of self-love presented by Matthew at the end... Wow. Mind changing.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Universe just called me to finish myself with this kind of situation. Keep waiting and wanting this person can turn back and knowing this person won’t let me in his world anymore. Kind a sad to say this here but thanks Matthew and Lewis for this beautiful video.
What a great video to me find a way knocking my wall of heart.
I have never been so engaged in an hour and 20 minute podcast before. Especially with two individuals I have never seen before in my life. But somehow I have been brought to this video. And I am so grateful.
Now not only have I finished listening, I have returned to listen for a second time. And I will be getting the book as well.
Trying to determine if I am to light the fuse to blow up my life or not. I have the lighter in my hand…
Thank you, Matthew.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
You felt so alone when you were in the relationship and then you pull the fuse and leave and then you’re still alone after you leave! Because you simply don’t trust anyone!
Betrayal trauma? Avoidance? What's the issue? It sounds identifiable. Best of luck.
Trust is earned. Take your time and know and trust yourself first. At least now you are free to do so.
@@Oceansgreen after leaving my narcissistic husband after 30 years I have come to realize that I did what I could to save the marriage my intentions came from love and I will be damned to have him take my power! He is the one that is broken not me! I would rather live alone the rest of my life then live that life ever again! I had to look within myself and ask: what is broken in me to think that I don’t deserve to be treated better than what I am getting from him? Why would I accept this treatment?
I totally understand where you're coming from. Healing takes time and there is no timeline. We just have to try to do the best for ourselves day by day. Some extra help from others is also important. Don't get discouraged because there is life after the narcissist. Maybe not exactly the life you imagined but it can be a good one. I know because my life is still a work in progress post narcissist. Don't question yourself, you did the right thing. Don't look back look forward. Good luck in your journey to healing.❤️
Too much credit is put on being in a relationship there is far more Important things and being alone doesn't mean your lonely! You discover so much about yourself. Lewis howes comes across as very shallow. Matthew hussey is amazing so proud as a fellow English person. Just be yourself and you will find someone right for you. Don't worry about what your mum or friends would approve of. It's your life make you happy!
Validation is complementary. Some people don't want to be asked about what they need, some just need affection, doing a kindness, calling out of the blue and saying what are you up to, just thinking about you,a short conversation a quick connect.
Love begins and starts from within… we never have to earn anyone’s love. We were taught that it’s from an external source… wisdoms teaches you that it starts from within. Many of us adults learned to love and the source from external sources… re-learning to loving self from within… not from external sources.
So true
There's no need to blame yourself for what you did for yourself. 🌸
Two of my favorite men talking about my life, my loss, my chronic pain, my perspective,.. Thank you for acknowledging my situation and showing me the way. You are good men. You are my Hope of a brighter future ❤
The part about self love is so profound and brought me to tears. Thank you both 🙏
'Refreshing to hear this from a male, he has so much empathy and understanding.
Thank you for watching🧡
Just finished watching this and I cried at the part where Matthew was describing how we should be thinking of self love. Probably the most beautiful description I’ve heard anyone explain what that looks like. Thank you so much.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Wow very cathartic hearing exactly what my last relationship ending was like...
I so value the idea of write a list of what you want and then become it!!! It’s an inside job and we attract where we are at. 🥰😍🤩
For those who are struggling with having such an amazing first date and the other person ghosted or it just didn’t go to far, I just want to tell you that just because you had an amazing date that doesn’t mean the other person had a great time also. Ilv been on the side where the date was just ok for me, but on the other hand the person had such an amazing time that they found it difficult when I said it wasn’t going to go any further. They even went as far to say that I was fighting off my feeling, so keep that in mind.
the last 20 minutes or so of this podcast was exactly what i needed to hear. im definitely going to be implementing this belief and sharing this with people who struggle around me. such a great switch in perspective.
I love myself and take excellent care of myself and that makes loving someone else like me so much easier.
That is very true!❤
One of my favorite take-a-ways from this podcast, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!
Mattew that's very true. Most times it's not the breakup per say but your interpretations or narratives you make off it.
Also note people change with time and person, so having to unchange that chemistry or lose the person and cycle used to is liken to breaking out of a bad habit, mourning or addiction withdrawal. Unfortunately many ignores intuitions and red flags, however just accept it as a blessing in disguise and God's redirection for better and walk away with gift of a smile and forgiveness. 😊
I love how he explains self love.
🧡
This is probably my favorite podcast for both parties. There was so much takeaway here, and the best that I've seen of Matthew. Thank you.
Love hearing that from you!
I believe change is possible in relationships if it is realistic & done incrementally on both sides. The key is being able to negotiate the changes so that its a win/win situatiion for both parties. Lots of patience needed!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!! 🧡
I have experienced 3 divorces, which was financially a disaster. But I don't regret one. The mistake I made was that I always looked for attraction, understanding each other, and had no concept behind it at all. Just intuition, it worked for 13 years each, now already 15 years. I am happy and may be because intuitively, I watched myself regarding happiness, health, and commitment. Nevertheless I will buy the book. Thanks a lot. Great video.🎉🎉🎉
Matthew Hussey is very wise and picks up all the concerns another partner might have for relationship. This self love incessant talk never has totally resonated, but this conversation and relationship coach does. Wish I had heard this before to take better care of 'my human'. I often wonder if I was born in the wrong generation, I guess we can only keep trying, no matter what age. Have been beyond hurt,
Where are such handsome and full of wisdom men like these two for us ladies ?
I deserve love just because I'm alive!! And i love everything that's alive.. there are many diferent ways of loving, gotta stick with whats good for you ❤😘
Thank you for tuning in! :)
Because you matter
Love your gentle, self assertiveness Matthew Hussey. Thank you, your work is so important ❤️
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
Yes. Our 1st priority should be us. Yes!!!!
Love your human. At the end of the day means to have dignity. Not pride, not egotistical behaviour...just dignity.
This was an extremely beautiful, not to mention interesting, conversation, especially the my person segment at the end!
It's important to add though that not all parents are capable of loving their child, or children, just for being due to their own unhealed trauma issues, which I can definitely attest to. ❤
This episode helped me a lot with grasping the idea of selflove that we are bombarded with all day every day and we tend to feel guilty because we can not comprehend the essence of it, but "Taking care of your Human" was awesomely put
Thank you so much for watching!
Excellent content as usual. Glad to find you on here. I do not always find your shows. Let me make sure I am hooked up. The growth and elevation of your energy is wonderful to witness. Congrats you are smashing it!! My major milestone came when the self-love kicked in and I accepted me- many years of working on reframing life and experiences- The way to experience honoring yourself and creating a healthy relationship is something that is described in a way that makes total sense. Will seek out this book!!
Thanks for checking out the interview! It's much appreciated.
Mathew and Lewis have had several discussions on this podcast, but this is by far the most comprehensive, meaningful, and a must watch for all!
Listen up Dumpers! This is so spot on! 🤯 But....
Honestly this was me a year ago. it's very hard to be the dumpee, but I thank everything and cherish the beautiful memories and more, since we have a wonderful child who is with me. Yes! I still have demons of toxicity in me and my emotions are still up and down but I can contain it and make myself calm and cast it away. It's all water under the bridge. As long as he is healthy and not sick, I am satisfied to see him that he is happy and content. I already forgive him and both of us are moving on, It's for my own benefits of inner peace and self love and good examples for our child, that we're going to be fine, that he's father is still around us and supporting each other in every way as a co parents. ❤❤❤
Love this!! Thank you for saying this because I definitely knew I shouldn’t get married when I was walking down the aisle but couldn’t bring myself to turn around and walk out. My first marriage was for our child I had already had.
Dear Matthew, I am SO GRATEFUL that someone has the courage these days to mention at least the possibility, that in fact some part of our behaviour really is not acceptable. We tend to swing from extreme to extreme, but witin the last decades I very ofte experienced people one would have called "egoistic" in former days. No we call it "heathy self-love". In my marriage I hadn't been less difficult than my other person in a sense of being too dominant, not letting others wishes and opinions ever be the compromise. The marriage almost ended, and this trauma for the first time really had me reflect on myself...with the eyes of the others. This changed me: From someone always trying to get my way I now listen...and can make compromises or even accept the other one's decision (for both of us). If I had told me "he doesn't love me because he cannot accept me the way I am..." I would have missed the essential point: I indeed had aspects of behaviour one should at least reflect upon. I delivered my part. He has to go through his own transformation. But we have a real chance that it works. Long story short message: Do not reject every critique reg. your personality without at least accepting the possibility that there might be truth in it.
I had to make him think he was the one leaving, beacause every time i tried to end it, he would go silient just to the point of maximumgrief and pain, then return all apologies and sweetness. I had to end it by breaking his 2 "conditions", something that he calibrated to go against everything i am. It was like falling on the sword myself or holding the grenade with the lit fuse instead of throwing it, the hardest but most necessary thing I've ever done.
Beautifully written.
Tell us more!!
Proud of you 👏🏻
Yes yes...mine was abusive in every way...he literally said he was a reactor I think i figured this out after many years finally he tells me towards the end several times "im a reactor" 🙄 so i had to make him so uncomfortable that he would decide to leave on his own 😅 when I kept trying to put him out it was just horrible...once he decided to cuz he thought he was hurting me it was better 🙄 freaking idiot 😂 good riddance long as it got done it didn't matter to me at that point 🤷🏽♀️
I've listened to Matthew before ... he is so on point ... he speaks about the two sides of a relationship dynamic. His knowledge and perception amazing 👏 Again, thank you both for sharing this talk, really good advice🙏🏼
Love is not enough period! Just because u both love each other doesent mean ur gonna work out. I learned that the hard way💔😢
love also doesnt pay the bills either🧿