Letting Go - Healing from Abusive Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 9 май 2023
- Letting go can be one of the most difficult things anyone can do if they have been used and abused in a relationship. It can also be one of the most liberating. In this live stream I'll be outlining the concept of 'letting go', looking what it means, what it doesn't mean, some of the obstacles to healing and some ideas that can help with recovery from narcissistic and toxic relationships. Hope to see you then.
LETTING GO
Letting go does not mean to stop caring:
it means I can't do it for someone else
Letting go is not to cut myself off:
it's the realisation I can't control another
Letting go is not to enable:
but to allow learning from natural consequences
Letting go is to admit powerlessness:
which means the outcome is not in my hands
Letting go is not to change or blame another:
it's to make the most of myself
Letting go is not to care for:
but to care about
Letting go is not to fix; but to be supportive
it's not to judge but to allow another to be a human being
Letting go is not being in the middle arranging the outcome:
but to allow others to effect their own destinies
Letting go is not to be protective:
it's to permit another to face reality
Letting go is not to deny:
but to accept
Letting go is not to nag, scold, or argue:
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires:
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it
Letting go is not to criticise and regulate anybody:
but to try to become what I dream I can be
Letting go is not to regret the past:
but to grow and live for the future
Letting go is to fear less and live more.
#lettinggo #recoveryfromabuse #narcissisticabuseawareness
Thanks for joining me this evening everyone. Please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like me to discuss in future livestreams or videos.
Can you make a video of how to heal the scapegoat specifically
@@mariaalmaymouni5252 Yes! Thank you, great topic!
Well, I understand why and how I became a people's pleaser and over sharing but... how to stop it? Even in the context of EMDR, I still don't know how to tackle it (because I don't want to "cope" with it no matter how unconscious it is).
Anyway, I enjoyed your video and it gave me thoughts for food and food for thoughts 😂
Anyone on here recovering from an abusive relationship I feel you and you’re not the only one feeling like this. It’s so hard picking up the pieces. All the times you bent backwards for them, all the times you forgave only for them to forget all that and crucify you for things that don’t even exist.
This. 🥲
It's like they bring a gun to a fist fight you just never see it coming. They seem to go out of their way to unbalance people, catch them out, the gotchas ✌
I'm trying my hardest to listen and sum up the courage to leave. This is my second day since I finally decided I had to. I hope everyone watching this video was able to do it or someday be able to. I believe in me. I can do this.
Do you find your resolve from the night before vanishes in the a.m.?
Perhaps, rather than becoming more assertive, a certain change this process might bring about is becoming more "private," less self-explanatory, more confident about just living one's life without feeling instinctively compelled to make sure one's lifestyle and choices are "okay" with others? Which, in its own way, is a kind of "assertion," isn't it, but in a quiet way. It goes into that unpredictability you mentioned, I think.
That’s a really good point 👍
excellent point
This sounds like the stoic philosophy, a very helpful philosophy. The impulse to constantly explain yourself or ask for affirmation is exhausting!
I love this so much, happy living 🤍🌱💚
I need lessons on how to stop being a people pleaser and how to not be concerned about what other people think of me. That would help me recover from abuse I have endured from so many people throughout my life. It would also help me stand up for my needs in my relationships with others. I get so frustrated with myself…I am a great advocate for others…why am I so terrible at advocating for myself? It's infuriating, confusing, and embarrassing
Seeking validation: It's a phenomenon that I have noticed since cell phones became ubiquitous. In the past, if you got put in check, you had to sit with it and process how you got yourself there. Along came cell phones, and here and there we see people walking around getting immediate validation from someone on the other end who probably doesn't dare say otherwise.
After I went no contact with my narcissistic mother (now deceased) I let my hair grow out. She always wanted me to dye it as she said it made her look older if I had gray hair. (I still complied even though I didn't see her that much and lived hours away!) Once it grew out, I realized it's actually a beautiful white blonde color, much better than my own attempts at dyeing it!!
I love this....... I'm so glad you found your beauty that your mother tried to deny you. Shine on!
How timely, 30 yrs of a very high functioning, intelligent, narc/abusive wife. I'm 60 now, living on my own 6 months, she divorced me 3 months ago, thank God! I hate what has happened, but am so grateful that I have some time/life left to enjoy. Still have the love of my kids.
Good luck with the future man❤❤
@@basketballfan5763 Thank you. I'm gonna be fine. Ain't no hill for a stepper.
As the child of a narcissistic mother, I have to thank you for stepping away from her. My mother didn't even let me talk to my dad the night he died. :(
you are lucky that your kids love you. After my borderline husband died, it became clear that he made a blacksheep of me. Although he spent little time with children.
Putting oneself first is so important. There is a way to do this that is not narcissistic, in fact ends up being beneficial to others in the long run. It is not done at the expense of other people, as a narcissist might do and not care about. I am writing this as a person who needs to embrace this concept much more fully.
Thanks, Darren... learning to let your no be no on your own terms. Not having a need to justify. When you behave in a different way they up the ante to try and maintain the status quo.
Very thoughtful and your compassion coming through. Comforting to those of us going through this right now.
Brilliantly put and so helpful. I think my main lesson from this life is letting go. Not easy, painful but eventually there’s a sigh of relief that you did it
The first one and half minutes summed it up for me. 'He' consumed too much of my life & energies which prevented ME from living! It's when I became ill that I acknowledged to myself that MY life deserved to come before HIS...and in order to heal I needed to shut him out and put MY life first. While there are times that I momentarily wonder if there could ever be connection in the future, I simply recall when I was quite sick, caused by stress, and swore to myself I'd never return to that point.
Letting go has given me relief. Peace
Yes, "getting in touch with your feelings" means something so much greater and more important than, and in fact polarly opposite to what the pop-culture tends to mean by it. Understanding them, not fearing them, properly guaging them and shepherding them, analyzing them for what they tell you is going on inside of you, in order to make the wisest choices about them and regulate their influence on your behaviors, that is all immensely helpful, indeed therapeutic. The pop-culture tosses the phrase out there as if the key to a wonderful life is to be steered by our feelings. Nothing of the sort.
Honestly, out of all the content producers on here, your videos resonate the most deeply re. this type of abuse. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
I felt like I hit my last wall, but your words poured life into me so I could have the strength to keep going, please continue doing the good work that you do, spreading awareness and helping others navigate difficult situations. Thank you 🙏🏼 🤗 some of us go through our lives constantly looking for the good in others and when there is none to be found, it is difficult to accept, we keep trying to the detriment of ourselves, we are then left shattered without a sense of direction, in a constant state of confusion, and paralyzed.
Such an important video for everyone who has had this experience, great work Darren
I am so happy that I found your podcast! I wish I would have come across it a long time ago. I am hanging on to your every word! You really understand how narcissists operate and have explained it in such a thorough way!! After being married to a narcissist for 30 years (high school sweethearts), I go through a ton of emotions. I still ruminate and I hold a great deal of resentment toward my ex. I am still angry about allowing it to go on and on. Hindsight is 20-20! I need to totally LET GO and to learn to love myself. Thank you so much for validating my feelings. You have encouraged me to keep working on myself.
This is by far the most helpful video I have seen anywhere. Thank you, thank you so so much.
I'm still suffering the severe consequences of been abused as a young person it's eaten me alive yet I can't forget all I've lost due to my abusers
I'm sorry. You deserved better.
Hello! I have an idea to help you so I hope you do this thing that i suggest since i was told by a very wise lady a long time ago "she said the battle is in the mind " and if you think about it as i have throughout my years I am pretty sure she was right also i KNOW100 percent there is power in our words !
The things we say!
They are so important!
So here is my suggestion to help you overcome and fly!
Today say this one very important thing to yourself also ask God to help you accomplish this promise you are making to yourself!
Say
" Today and from this day forward I am refusing to allow my abusers to have another moment of my precious life! Today I am making a pact to myself that anytime the memory of my abusers or any upsetting feelings as a result their abuse of me,from the past....any and every time they begin rising to the surface in my present life , I will shut them down immediately,I will say "NO YOU CANT HURT ME ANY LONGER!" stop them by ordering them out of this new day they cannot have! Do not allow their offenses to steal any of your present life by speaking out loud to the memory by saying "I have the power today to stop you from affecting this present day of my life! Say YOU may have overpowered me in my youth but today I have risen above and am able to overpower you! Not one more day shall I allow them to ruin and steal my joy! For today is a brand new day and they are wiped from my life! I AM SAFE FAR AWAY FROM THAT ABUSE! I am free! I am happy! I love myself and thank God for each fresh new day free from my past abusers! My life belongs to me and not to them,they can NO LONGER rule another moment of my life because HalleluYah praise God I have come through to the other side! And maybe I WILL CONTINUE GROWING STRONG OVERCOMING THAT ABUSE SO MUCH SO that soon I can use my struggles and former pain to help someone come through to where I currently am but I will stop allowing those offenses by my abusers in my youth to stifle or paralyze my mental state with just a memory no matter how horrible their cruel crimes against me!
Today I don't care about those abusers ! THEY ARE IN MY PAST AND I AM LEAVING THEM BEHIND!
For today and every day forward I promise myself,as soon as the feelings from that abuse I once suffered as soon as it , begins to surface,I will forcefully say NO!
I will chase their memory away immediately by reminding myself that this day is MY DAY,and not another day shall I give my abusers for I am a beautiful survivor who's grateful for this VERY day that belongs to ME! its mine and not theirs! For I am safe,I am free,I AM HAPPY AND I WILL BE JOYFUL in this day free from their evil! Yooohooo!
TODAY IS MINE!❤
So God bless and I am so sorry for what was done to you and I beleive you will overcome and become even more special to be able to understand and help others! I am praying since I beleive you have a very special purpose you must fulfill!❤
My therapist put it this way: "Jeff, there's no gold in that mine."
This is some of the best advise I have ever heard. Thank you. You are really kind and pragmatic about understanding this process. Thank you.
Very helpful and realistic. Thanks for sharing.
Darren, you are a very good therapist. Thank-you from the inner part of my heart ❤❤❤
"a bit more informed"- Yes, sir. That experience was definitely enlightening about myself, the types of unhealthy people who are in the world, and the red flags that will always accompany them.
Empty is exactly right. No matter how much charisma and love I had, the takers take too much, too much.
I've heard several people talk about how rhat with a narcissist the end of a relationship is inevitable or how to move on after a breakup. However, I really appreciate how in your videos you speak of tackling that middle ground. Very Helpdul.
Thank you for your encouragement today Darren. Difficult does not mean impossible. I'll be looking for Pavlov's cat.
I’m 😅😅😅us all
Pavlov
know for dogs.
ring bell
dog drools
BF Skinner
nasty too.
yes
isolation
is key
to
dependence
on an abuser.
trapped
This is one of the most painful experiences of my life.
It’s been 4 years since I learned my 10 year marriage was a mirage. I was so easily duped that I was actually happy up until then. It was an absolute con situation for me and I’m sure for the many other women he was involved with.
Even now I still have ah ha moments when I realize what he was really up to at a particular time in our relationship. I feel so stupid really.
Will this rumination go in forever? I am so much better with every year out, but there is something inside that hasn’t stopped the internal investigation. It feels like this behavior is protective after all.
Really though, it’s taken over my life and I’m moving forward but still short of moving on
Great instruction on letting go. I took notes to reflect on and implement.👍
dealing with feeling ripped off from over 10 yrs of effort, trying to make it wrk, only to have it not wrk, & end horribly with no closure to anything. & feeling this unrelenting heartbreak pain of the loss of the bits of love we did share. whiles't he doesn't feel anything like that. in his words I quote:"I don't feel that way at all, I feel like there was a jail-break, & I got away." ouch!
this relationship has fcked me up
& I struggle to not become a increasingly depressed, angry, clinical, untrusting,
always expecting, or waiting for the other shoe to drop
kind of person. oh & don't forget, co'dependantly desperate, yet feeling so empty & alone as I spiral down into the empty hole in my chest, where my heart once was. I've felt heartbreak before. This is something different. off the scale worse.
He's not going to honestly tell you if he's bothered by the breakup. His reaction is so happy it sounds fake any way.
Don't be too hard on yourself a few weeks after a break up after 10 years is a big emotional hit. Of course you are upset. Please take care of yourself you deserve it.
Vow to yourself that you will not give him another moment of your life! It's time to love yourself by apologizing to yourself for the neglect of your ownself by placing him and his needs above your own for far too long! Every morning when you awake seize the new day as your new freedom to become joyful and free from the sadness and failures of the past! Vow to do kind and caring things in the time you spent trying to make him happy or him to love you as you should have been loved! Tell yourself you deserve a thousand times better than a hateful uncaring person that he has conveyed to you he is by saying he feels like" a jail break " realize you ARE THE ONE WHOS HAD THE JAIL BREAK, you've escaped his emotional immaturity and unkindness to be able to begin to take better care of your ownself to begin growing your new healthy life without having to work so hard on that relationship where you were not valued as you should be!! Dedicate this new life moving forward to be free from the stress during that 10 years! Thank God you are not suffering in that another moment! Now go seize the day and tell yourself you will learn to curb all that wasted energy you've put into trying to make him what he clearly will never be,turn that energy into each day being joyful in loving and treating yourself like you are the very special person you are!!
Seriously,he's just immature and stupid! Very selfish and shallow on top of that! So you are the one who should be feeling that dead weight uplifted! Now go treat yourself better by giving yourself a pedicure or manicure and begin your wonderful new game plan for the rest of your precious life!
Don't ever beat yourself up again for working so hard on a relationship that has failed! Now seize your fresh new future to work on pleasing and taking the very best care of yourself! Thank God for this new day that won't be wasted by investing it in a loser!! Its time to make yourself happy!❤ ask yourself what will make you feel good and go forward and do it!! Be blessed and I just prayed for God to give you strength and courage to begin moving away from the hurt of the past!❤ Love yourself ,do something good for yourself each and every day!
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️😘💫
@@staceepayne8787 wow. thank you🥰
Thankyou Darren for all your output. I’ve been watching your videos for a few years now. Your advice has helped me through some really difficult times. Thankyou for helping make sense of what I went through for 30 years. It helped me keep my sanity during some dark days. Please keep these videos going.
Those who suffer Complex Postraumatic Stress, we always have to pay attention to emotions and feelings. Also very important: don't drink alcohol or take any otrer drug. We'll love and know ourselves much more and much better. ❤
Excellent video, particularly like the visualisation aspect. I hear on so many vids of radical acceptance etc.. but not about any processes to actually get there within ourselves
Thank you Darren for your time and effort
I loved him but he was just performing. I love the trauma bond, that didnt make sense until u said that. Thank u
Thank you! I greatly appreciate how you break things down to manageable bits. Keep up the good work.
Mine was so pschopathic... It creeps me... I still need time to sort my mind out a little. The old me is slowly coming back. ❤
Thank you, really needed this. Not going to be easy but I know this is what I have to do.
After going through a divorce after 37 years of marriage, as hard as I have tried, I am not having success with accepting it. It's excruciatingly painful.
I can understand that. I've been trying to put this behind me for over 4 years. Last December my crazy ex wife died. There will never be another Hoover I guess that's a plus. I just don't understand why I'm unable to move forward and be happy in life. I just can't seem to enjoy my hobbies and the projects I'm involved with around my house and property. I'm constantly angry with myself for not being able to put my head in a good place.
Keep going Brian.
I can agree with you.
I think what Darren, and many other therapists counselors and coaches neglect to tell us, is those who have been married for a long time and go through divorcing a narcissist, do not have the same options as younger people.
We're in an age group were Society throws us away to begin with.
The dating pool is limited, because as healthy as I've become, men my age want women have my age. I can't find any healthy quality people after this three years of covid crisis in quarantine. I find Society is highly dysregulated, and incapable of effective communication let alone respect..
Barely anybody wants to make a friend who's over 55 let alone 60 65 or 70.
But yet none of the counselors coaches or therapists address this issue. I'm happy with who I am.
I feel the safest I've ever felt away from narcissistic abuse and contemptuous people. .
But I don't have any family left.
I certainly don't have any friends left in the community after the huge divorce and smearing.
And when these coaches are counselors or therapist tell us to go join a Facebook group, or some online thing or feel free to drop the stuff in the comments or make friends or find a supportive Network, they're literally not addressing the reality of the situation.
But hey, let go. Move on. Redevelop yourself. Get new job skills over 55. Make new friends. The dating pool is wide open.
Let's be realistic here and perhaps talk about a very uncomfortable topic that needs addressing that no counselor, coach, or therapist dare disgust on their social media.
@@theforensicbadass that sums it up pretty good. But you left out the part about not being able to trust. I cannot even trust myself.
@@theforensicbadass so well said. I'm 75 and can relate to it all.
Thank you! That was a loving thing to do💜
Excellent Talk. Brought Tears..
Thank you for this! So well-said and helpful.
This is one of my fav videos ever ❤
Thank you for the great advice! I feel you are talking directly to me! ❤
Triggers……. This makes so much sense, I have thought this but was reactive to them . I understand but it is still upsetting.
Thank you for this video too ❤.
Oh, thank-you so much. ❤❤❤
I had this for for 23 years. I found videos of him raping me when I was passed out. Only then could I stand up for myself. 5 years in courts and he got 12 years in prison. Only dealing with it now but I'm still full of fear. I feel stuck. Thanks
EMDR is a very good therapy. I recomend it always. ❤❤
Growing upwith a nasc mother is like having been in a battlefield for 20 years of your life
Bravo. Thank you.
Brilliant, thanks so much Darren. I believe the part of the poem you quote at the end is Letting Go by Nelson Mandela.
Thank you soooo much 😊
Live long and prosper. :)
God bless you 😢❤
I almost k*l*ed myself for over nothing a few days ago............................................................... I feel kind of ashamed but I know what reasons led me decide that. I feel so sorry for people who had to live through this :(
I hope you are feeling much better. Figure out when it is that you get that way. What are the triggers, and avoid them like the plague. Take care!
@@Cornusnuttallii Oh rest assured! I am stronger than ever, that was a tough experience but I know now how to just laugh my arse off to the things that once tried to hurt me.
Thanks!
Thank you so much for your kind support
So many people have died in my life n i used to live different parts of the US. Now i stay in same town n wonder at how many people ive known who committed suicide or died of cancer from substance abuse and/or alchohol. Like in their 30s n 40s. So tragic. I can well understand why crappy people could push one over the edge. Or too much crappy life anyways. Not enough nurturing folk in one's orbit. And how come the Lancet could recognize that people can die of or from a broken heart but ive had 2 heart drs in the vicinity n neither of them.. Male and female get it at all.. not even a warm loving relationship and i nearly cried in their presence and wondered about mechanical doctors. Life is so strange sometimes. Many blessings of the wonders of The Universe. 🦋🌷
❤ Appreciation 🌼
A trama bond is hell
My siblings are so abusive. I need to let them go 😢
After all I've been through I don't want any friends.whay do u make of that?
Our they is our daughter….never is a million years would I ever believe that this could happen.
I would like the poem - can you post it ?
Hi Stephanie I've added it in the description of the video. I'm still not sure who wrote it if you feel like a challenge to find out.
I feel like if I let go im not safe, my guard will go back down.
I actually want to ask you personally can an adult who didn't experience childhood trauma becomes a narcissist?
That's a really good question. I am curious about that as well.
Absolutely... Some are spoiled and the list goes on. It can be an actual disconnect with empathy in the brain that they were born with. Etc
Then GREAT days
I need a therapist. Where are you at? There’s no good therapist in WV.
👏
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
😂 What a deep dark video on this narcissistic abuse!! These people We'll never change, leave them and build your new life and God will judge Them.
Anyone please help how can i help someone to heal from absuive relationship??
Hi Darren, I'm not sure if you have access to how many ads there are in your broadcasts. This one today had over 12, Twelve.. that's at least one every 5 minutes and they doubled them in the last 15 minutes. The whole Eddie Izzard reference was hard to track same as how the other interruptions skew my train of thought as well. I've enjoyed your broadcasts, I just don't need the frustration😥 Twelve.......
@Bluejay-bd5pq Yes someone else had mentioned that. I’m looking into seeing if I can limit them, pretty sure there’s a way I just haven’t found it yet
@@DarrenFMagee Thank you❣️
10 years is awful 😖 of this
🐈🐾
6:26
Good days and very bad days
That includes mental Abusive relationships. I have support around. they have been there for me. You don't realize your in them until you leave them.
Disagree on validation. If someone validated me I would assume they agree with me. You said its 'acknowledgment' then call it that.
Only weak minded people let go
Why do you think that? Letting go is for our health.....
Thank you so much, your calm words and delivery truly helped me to understand deeply.
Getting the help I need professionally is balancing and managing.
This one really helped.
Letting go 🤍🌬️🕊️