Breaking Free from Narcissistic Relationships: Limerence, Guilt and Rumination
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 15 апр 2023
- Join me at 8pm UK time on the 16th April where I'll be discussing feelings of guilt, rumination, unfinished business and limerence, and some ideas to help break free after a narcissistic relationship to help you move forward towards a healthier happier future. Hope to see you then.
#narcissisticabuserecovery #recoveryfromabuse #narcissisticabuseawareness
Please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like me to cover in future videos or livestreams
To: Darren Magee.
Will you please speak on the issue of emotionally abusive narcissistic behavior from alcoholic adult children? It's so complicated and seems as though the cut and dry rules of dealing with toxic behavior don't really apply in this unconditional love situation. I've read a lot of the AL-ANON literature and attended around 12 local meetings. The meetings helped a little, but I found the heavy amount of repeated ceremonial readings, which occupied the majority of meeting time, to be frustrating for me. My ex, the father of my adult child, was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive. I know his behavior has affected my child. I want to help my adult child. As my child ages, I see more and more of the father emerging. He is hugely self-destructive. My heart is completely shattered. I find the majority of information aimed at dealing with toxic narcissistic type behaviors is aimed at lovers. The majority of toxic situations I deal with are nuclear family members and in-laws - whom I love.
What do you do when an entire organisation that have volunteered for is laden with narcissists.I have since left the organisation.I do feel that I had wasted my time and effort s.I tried to help individuals however I am very careful now and don't share very much.
“What did I do wrong?” Well, what we all do wrong is we never take, we only give. We forget our instinctive needs. We discount ourselves. We let them get away with selfishness. We think we must protect the relationship, at any cost.
Then we all find out the relationship was in our imaginations, and never real to begin with.
My husband is fixing ,up a house we own,in another state, to be put on the market for. sale,,,he,s spent 5 days at a motel,well he still has more work to do, so he purchased an inflatable bed to sleep on,in the house, he said he purchased a queen,size,more than likely we'll have to go back there at the end of the month,I told him,no way am I staying in a house with bugs,,oh oh there are no bugs,,I was supposed to go with him initially but didn't make it,made the hotel arrangements for him,well there were dead bugs there,in the house,when he got there, ,it's a very hot area of the U.S. ,..I won't mention what kindbif bugs,he says I purchased the queen inflatable for us,I said it's OK you can sleep there I'm not,,,then I told him you have a wife that hardly demands that much from you,,so staying in a hotel,because I fear bugs is not a big deal,I'm not staying at the Waldorf Astoria.😮😅
Dang.., this is all so much truth
An excellent example of limerence is the novel The Great Gatsby.
I think rumination is like PTSD, and I think that it's how the mind tries to find an answer to what caused the trauma so it can better deal with similar trauma should it happen again in the future.
It's okay to repeat yourself. It's helpful to hear good things repeatedly, and also, some may not have heard what you have said before. This video brings up the struggle of self care when you're affected/healing by narcissistic abuse. I wanted to hear about that again, so I'm glad you repeated it.
The enablers are almost more frustrating than the narcissistic person…they surround themselves and pull these people out to “defend” their actions and threaten you to not confront their difficult manipulation or hurtful behaviors because you’ll be faced with the posse’ of their people supporting them. I’ve dealt with several narcissistic individuals and they ALWAYS pull the “so and so says I’m right and/or agrees with me…” usually someone in authority or a stronger person. Triangulation with a punch or threat of a gang up on you possibility does block pursuing accountability. It’s also punishment for daring to not obey and grovel - you’re on the “outside”. Narcissists are bullies who use reinforcement of others to intimidate or get their own way. Ugh.
Well, all I can say is "good work".
Simply put, you go from butterfly feelings [euphoria] to feeling confused [emmense gaslighting and crazymaking] to needing a puke bucket [the AHA moment you realize just what evildoer you've become enmeshed with]. THEN you will have to do the inner work on your road back to you❤
Very neatly put. Felt all 3 during/after "relationship" with a narc last year. Always feel that sick feeling now when I think of him. Although took a while to get that reality check and give up looking for euphoria..
A so true synopsis
How in the world do I get past this??? Out of a 23 year relationship for almost 2 years and still so STUCK!!
Stop wasting your life, they aint worth another second
Karla, I don't know yout story but I would imagine after 23 years you have alot of processing to do. Try not to dwell on the need to become unstuck. Consider the quality of healing that can only come with time. I'm sure if you look back over the last 2 years since your relationship you can see some progress and if you take some time to congratulate yourself on this journey it will help you feel more in control. Don't inadvertently shut down this process by tell yourself you are stuck. Part of the process will feel lile you're stuck, but that's not all you are. You are 2 years in to a new relationship with yourself. Breathe. You're going to be ok. 🙏
I am four years out. She even died a few months ago. I'm not in a very good place not at all where I would like to be. The only thing I have for you is to tell you you are not alone.
I had been in a long term relationship with all this stuff as well. Hang in there. Keep educating yourself. I am not saying I am even “healed “ but I have come a very long way from where I was. You are not alone and not “ crazy”!
I had to hit my knees before God and repent for my poor choice of a spouse bc I finally realized it was His choice for me.....30 years myself...4 years with the knowledge, still working on getting my freedom....it's definitely a journey, however one worth making.
My dad is more grandiose and my mom is more vulnerable. I've been wondering why she stayed. She has it all, the guilt, the rumination, the whole deal. But because of needing to project a particular image and having her financial needs met she couldn't break the trama bond. Because my dad is more grandiose she acts as his agent. I could never figure it out. This video really helped me understand that. Even though I have empathy, I'm still angry about the emotional neglect and emotional immaturity. Excellent video!!!! Thank you!!
This is excellent subject! I always was curious how some people started to having this remanence and waned to find out how this psycological mechanism works... You see remanence a lot from vulmerable teenagers and adults who lack of self esteem. Thank you very much Darren.
I found your channel is quite better than some of psychologists out there!
I was married to her for 14 years. The marriage ended abruptly, I got the rug jerk right out from underneath me. It took me a whole year to completely no contact. Two in 1/2 years after that. She got cancer and quickly died. I just do not know how to process that. I have this horrible feeling of relief. What I mean is the world seems like a safer place for me now. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. At least I think that's what's going on I'm really not sure.
Get help to c ope with your guilt did you contribute to her leaving, honesty helps,
@@MattyNelson-rs3ik no it was not my fault she left. But I'm taking a hundred percent of the responsibility for the relationship lasting as long as it did. I thought I was helping her but I was just torturing myself.
Cognitive dissonance! It’s a difficult concept to wrap your head around but when you do it’s an a ha moment. My cognitive dissonance resulted in a lot of physical pain. Resolving the cognitive dissonance and creating a coherent narrative (ok that up as well) literally changed my life for the better! I no longer live in chronic pain!
The informational contents of this video are pure gold. Enabling and the question of allowing toxic behaviors is briefly mentioned towards the end. I have noticed, throughout my long life, that there is a particular quippy type of person whose words and behaviors are literally rude, disruptive and condensending - yet they are beloved (enabled) by all. That's one of the many things in life on which I ruminate because I don't understand it.
Did you ever think that maybe those people don’t really like that person so much as they prefer to pretend to in order to avoid becoming the next target?
Sorry I missed the live. Excellent. Jammed with information - will have to come back for another go round. An aspect in your presentations that I find engaging and helpful is the (for lack of a better expression) gender neutral quality. We need that. Thank you.
I lived in Japan for three years.
I have heard it said that America versus Japan is a matter of a guilt culture (America) versus a shame culture (Japan).
And I would agree with that.
I lived there as well for three years and totally agree with this idea/concept/theory…
Thank you so much for this, it’s really helping making sense of nonsense 🙏🏼
I just love your content, Darren!! Thank you!! 🥰
Thank you for great ideas especially about sympathy v guilt and also that boundary setting will always be a work in progress. I've studied a lot about the topic but you still brought new insights. I think you are also modelling good attitudes when starting new things because you are a new channel and things inevitably go wrong.
What I’ve found with narcissists is they have this idealised view of us but we realise that they are human so we give them the benefit of the doubt knowing that people make mistakes. This opens us up to more abuse as this is actually glimmers of them now the mask is dropping.
He started raging in my home and it got to the point where he was doing it nearly everyday and threatening to leave me constantly. It was awful. He left 6 months ago and I feel a shell of the person I once was. The most frustrating and heartbreaking part of it is that when he left, he played the victim and blamed his abusive behaviour on mental health and addictions. Of course this made everyone around him feel sorry for him whilst I was completely depleted and he couldn’t give a damn and I was left to clean up the mess. Still doing that now.
If anyone has ended up alone, it’s me. I don’t want to be in a relationship as I no longer trust and currently in therapy. I also isolated myself a lot after the break up. He seems to be doing well since he left according to him.
It’s ok to self isolate short term, it’s normal! Your entire body is recovering! Your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and energetic being is rebalancing and coming back into its natural state of health after being exposed to such a negative energy and life force. It takes time to heal!
I was 4 yo when my oldest brother died from a complicated desease.
I remember to always felt guilty, just didn't found the reason.
Later i just made regression and ....i was feeling guilt about my brother dead.
I think my narcisist mother just made that kind of programe in me, i don't know how she did it.
How can a narcisist convinc a child about that kind of guilty? Insane
I am so sorry! I've seen that similar situation occur: a teenager died in a car accident, and his father somehow put the blame on his brother, who had absolutely nothing to do with it, for the entirety of his remaining days. I think, with these mentally and emotionally immature people, their abusive behavior and projection temporarily alleviates their pain. They play people like a game of cards.
@@TYGZus777 thank you 🙏
Break free once you realize their reality! Things get easy once you break loose the first knot.
Hi Darren, great content as usual. My lifetime abuser is now old and frail but still as sharp and cruel and manipulative and growing more entitled by the day! I've been stuggling with guilt and shame as I go low contact and grey rock but I have a brother who is supporting me. He keeps me informed about what is being said about me and how reality is being distorted which helps keep me grounded and in touch with why I have to do this. Our mother also tries to gas light me concerning my brother obviously trying to keep us apart, little does she know we swap information. It all sounds a bit devious but it helps us manage and accept the situation and keeps us sane!😄. The part about confusing guilt with compassion and pity was very helpful for me, thanks Darren ❤🖖
Against her two children?good the two of you recognize what's going on,,wish my neice had seen what her mom was doing with the relationship between she and her brother..
I am glad that you and your brother support and share, if you choose to stay in the relationship this is a great coping strategy! Just keep increasing each others knowledge and awareness and it will aide in your healing! For me, one sibling( the scapegoated child)is dead, one, the golden child is a malignant narcissist and the third moved away and looks back maybe once a year and is a covert narcissist. Me definitely the CPTSD avoidantly attached highly successful on the outside and constantly struggling with mental health on the inside adult female of the 3 older male siblings. Work on yourself! That’s all you can do
@@susantalebzadeh9741 So true, it's all we can do, we can't change them. Eleven months on and we still swap notes and it has helped but you can cope by yourself too. I've learned to manage the relationship by forming strong inner boundaries, they won't like it and things may seem worse for a while but keep going, you're stronger than you think. Learn all you can about narcs from trusted qualified sources, knowledge is power. Darren's just put up a video featuring Dr Ramini. I subscribed to her channel a year ago and she has helped me so much. Just remember that our abusers will never find true joy in life, we can. Take care of yourself, you are not alone.
Sorry got it wrong, Dr Ramini is appearing with a different therapist, I still highly recommend checking her out. @@susantalebzadeh9741
Like to hear how parental alienation fits with narssistic attachments and how to deal with poison with no voice as a father who knows his daughters hearts for loving attachments
Thank you so much. Your work is so spot on and enlightening. I can’t have “no contact” yet, he is an empath so it is maybe extra scary but I’m starting therapy in a few days to help me get through it. ❤
This is good because they expect you to be the perfect person that nobody could be their never going to find that there’s no such person no such person exists like this they want someone to fix them . No one else can fix you. You have to do it yourself. Hearing your voice is good 😊.
Thank you for this video, it was very helpful.
This is very important!
Gosh this was intriguing and so enlightening. Again, I kinda dig that your camera went kaput be cause I could focus more but I miss seeing your face ! Thanks for the tech help and response from whomever tried to help. Never heard of limerance before….. such a great concern to learn more about.
I tried for years to figure out what was going on. Glad to know we are hardwired that way. Now that I know is listening to these videos like ruminating. i still learn a lot but sometimes it gets me down realizing how long I put up with it.
Yes.
I can hear you
I missed your live again 😔 I've got questions pertaining inheritance & other things. Next time 😊
I think you are great. Thank you.
My father is narcistic with inferiority complex and grandiose delusions. I believe he has always been jealous of me, using me as a trash can for his bitterness. He has systematically turned my son against me. Any thoughts?
Dr. McGee if you see this could you please talk about how the narcissist can cause physical problems and mental problems possibly with obsession thank you I hope you address this topic I love your channel thank you so much
Explore on the topic of trauma bond
we can hear
Thank you so much . This is really helpful, specially the aspect about sympathy , reframing feelings of guilt with sympathy was insightful.. because a narcissistic relationship is not all bad so as times pass you keep being reminded of the good times leading to guilt. As well as the self destructive beh . Caring for and about is a great analogy and often I blur those lines thinking if I'm not caring for them I'm being bad because the other person is on a self destructive path and I want to fix cause I've done that for Sooo long , for everyone but specially the narc . I want to fix , 😅. I should... right if I can , because I hate the discomfort when I can't. But that's a whole another topic .. .the discomfort of making a hard but right decision.
We just had a celebration that the narc was not a part of bec they did not want to face the world after the break up and then also partly to punish bec things didn't go their way and I would have been wallowed in guilt if it weren't for this session . Your words helped me understand a lot .Thank you so much
Can you address when the narcissist is a grown child, who has threatened black mail to me her Mom, in order to destroy relationships in my life, and does the silent treatment for several years so far, as well as, sends my cards/mail back to me, marked “refused”, (& even marked on the envelope with a postal sticker that says they are “deceased”),& has gone on hate campaigns. I the parent don’t know why there’s so much hatred.
🫂
double bind
cookie crumbs
few
stick
freguent
and
harsh
indifference
to
object of desire
pain
and life
just bad
and do not
care
pretense
finantial abuse