CPTSD: Why You Cling to People Who Mistreat You
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- Опубликовано: 16 ноя 2021
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When someone mistreated you, have you ever responded with a desperate attempt to win their love, attempting to completely change yourself into the person you THOUGHT they wanted? That is a destructive form of distorted thinking that is common in people who grew up with abuse and neglect. When someone is abusing you, the LAST thing you need is to abandon yourself -- to deny your perception and give away all your power. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who fights to be reunited with an ex who discarded her, and support her in finding a new way forward.
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Anna, this depth level and content quality of dialogue with regard to trauma survivors, or folks who've experienced lifelong, chronic abuse (such as parental abuse), is much needed in a world where survivors constantly doubt the "legitimacy" of their experience(s). Making this content free and accessible to all is doing god's work. Thank you for your work.
Amen!! 🙌
Yes thank you Anna so much❤️
WOW!!! Really appreciate that support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, it’s so rare to see. Definitely need light , understanding and healing. Thank you
Thankyou for that I definitely agree, I've been done over so many times, it's too much sometimes
As an Arab Muslim woman born and raised in the ME ,I think I may know what the initial problem was.They weren't happy with their son marrying a Westerner .That's it .It doesn't matter that she's Muslim. She is still a Westerner in their eyes .That's why they gave her a hard time. And it isn't true that their type of Islam demands her obedience and silence. They knew she was still learning and didn't know the norms, so they basically bullied her into being obedient . And I don't know if they planned it, but by making her marriage a living hell, divorce becomes inevitable, which is great for them . They're probably the ones who planted the 'I could do better because I'm young and handsome' idea' in their son's head.
Oh, one more thing ,he probably married her to get citizenship or a green card or something ..I'd also like to say ,not every Muslim family is like this ,it's an inlaw thing first and formost, but the difference in culture makes it more difficult. As parents, I get it. They want what's best for their son, and they're looking out for him .It didn't help that he's a narcissist .
Bingo!
I had a feeling that was why, but I was waiting for someone of the faith to put it in better details.
Racism very common in Muslim communities
I was conditioned to believe I existed for the benefit of everyone else but myself. Consequently, I always abandoned myself horribly. It is very hard seeing this, admitting it, and coming out of the numb nothingness. I have at least temporarily stopped contact with my family and all others. I have to find my true self.
You sound a lot like me and how this woman's husband treated her made me think of how my mother treated me.
My friend, you just have!
@Sara Fox yes dropping the illusions of what we thought were genuine connections is one of the hardest things to face. Then pivot toward your own recovery process after working so hard to obtain acceptance from people who were committed to misunderstanding and discarding you. I think it’s the only road to freedom though.
"Conditioned to believe we existed for others" you nailed it...and now we need to learn to love ourselves without allowing anger and dark memories to hold us back..
Same here. My narcissistic parents taught me to abandon myself to fulfill their needs. It's abuse. No child should ever have to suffer such abusive parents.
It’s so baffling that this is helping me more than the expensive therapy I am paying for. Thank you !
Yessssss! She’s way better than my therapist 🤗
Right!!
Absolutely 💯
She made value my spiritual guide more but I told her about the channel and now I get tough love from her, she stops me right there when I am limerent or fantasize this could not have been possible without this channel and the magic red pen! Woot woot I am on the right track
Listen to your heart it never lies people the red flag IS there
Créditos to Ayahuasca also!
Most therapists are non qualified overcharges with a diploma.
I have discovered that you can't love someone in a healthy manner until you realize that you are worthy and actually matter yourself ... Praying she can find a way to get out of this situation in a healthy manner ..
I use to be hard core people pleaser when I was younger. It seemed like the harder I tried to please, the harder the people pushed me away. Nowadays, I only give someone one chance. And, if they ruin their only chance, they get deleted out of my life.
Gotta learn from you!
I gave someone 2 chances recently and when I set a clear and healthy boundary with them after. They turned around and lessened their interactions with me to one-up my decision. I have to get to where you are. Lol
I have discovered through many heartbreaks I'm happier being alone in private and doing things I enjoy like hobbies...
Her mother is full of SHAME and she has not dealt with her own shit so she is projecting her own inadequacy by blaming her daughter and pushing her away. Women who doesn't get to live out their own life without outside oppression turn on themselves and their daughters. Unfortunately women of today do this all over the world to their daughters. I can so feel for this girl and hope she will get her feet back on the ground, far away from her family. Stay strong sister. x
Appreciate you sending her some encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Because her daughter's freedom, will be a direct affront to the mother's weakness and shame.
So true, instead of being a support to her daughter in difficult times, she basically turns her back on her by kicking her out and beating her. The girl is abused from all sides. I hope she finds her own job and apartment and distance herself from all of those assholes. It is questionable to me if she even really wanted this religion at all...
Respect to the letter writer! Stayed only 10 months? I stayed 20 years!
I related to this girl's story. I was pressured into an arranged marriage at a young age to an immigrant doctor. My family used astrology to brainwash me that this was the right person. I dont know why I beleived it. I believe that there were so many levels of conditioning and obedience which made me a person who dealt with trauma through fawning. I also kept thinking what I could have done better. It took me 12 years to divorce and get therapy. I also had disconnect from culture because there were so many toxicity within the social groups I interacted with. My mind became very weak and it became easier to manipulate me. I continue to distance myself from my family and my culture. It is very hard to leave and see reality.
More power to you!! 🌟🌟
A problem with the Hindi culture. But also Middle East and some other cultures. Men think that because they're externally stronger and the financial support that they have the right to abuse women. They think, totally incorrectyly, that they are owned a wife. No male is "OWED " a wife.
You are so strong. Just to write it here shows your strength. I send you a big warm hug. You are good just as you are and morally so much better than all of those who made you fawn. You belong. Don’t fear reality. It’s kinder than what you knew. Reality is where we are who are supporting you xxx
@@chrisg7795 thank you. Very kind😊
You are aboslutely correct; the mind gets very weak. I follow a lot of videos, podcasts etc that speak of this alone. When the mind is strong and clear; you have to trust/ know/ expect/ believe - "nothing unless you truly believe" You will find what you need to lead the beautiful, prosperous, fullfilling life you deserve. *Maybe start asking to see "signs" any little thing. That's true with all movement forward in life. Blessings and I will pray for you! Xo.
Adults who were hurt as children inevitably exhibit a peculiar strength, a profound inner wisdom, and a remarkable creativity and insight. Deep within them - just beneath the wound - lies a profound spiritual vitality, a quiet knowing, a way of perceiving what is beautiful, right, and true. Since their early experiences were so dark and painful, they have spent much of their lives in search of the gentleness, love, and peace they have only imagined in the privacy of their own hearts.
Wayne Muller,
Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood
Thank you for sharing ! I love this! ❤️
Thanks for those words...!!, we know there REAL 💯 🌟🌟🌟
Yes! "Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood" is one of my favorite books, highly recommend for everyone.
Thanks Alaska Amy. I have been called "wise" many times in the love bombing phase as this new person's pain and childhood trauma is acknowledged and validated by me.
It always makes for a wonderful, deep and passionate first 6 months.... and then ?
Devaluation and heartless, cruel discard.
Over, and over again.
Wow❤️
When you say why do you go back into the relationship that is abusive .. if it's your mum and your family partner etc. It's hard to not have a family in the world. It feels frightening to have the family you have and also to be alone.
So true!
Agreed. I went no contact with my family only to marry a horribly abusive narc. I hope Laila learns her value as a child of God, who deserves love without trauma!
@@susanrhodes5681 that's awful .. I've woken up to the reality of my relationship who I have recently had a child with. I am the happiest I've ever been and also feel the most frightened - I've seperated from him tho it's still a bit blurry. He's still abusive.
@@susanrhodes5681I hope you're in a safe space re your husband 🙏💖
@@prudenceduncan3113 so glad you have entered a new, healthier place in life. My ex, who ruined me financially and health wise (4 STD's in first 6 weeks of marriage) I left him week 7. He died 4 years later of heart attack. He was 45. I think many were very releaved (sp). He was a very sadistic man. Thank you for reaching out. You are in the right place to heal and grow. Keep up the good work.
I just want to send love & peace to this person who wrote in. You are worthy of soooo much more xx
Thank you for supporting our writer :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, I have experienced this. I spent more than 30 years of my life denying who I am and desperately trying to please my father who still looks upon me as a petulant, miserable, and hateful teenager. When I clearly told him that I would never be who he wants me to be and that I would never accept his worldview, he discarded me like rubbish. It hurts, but as time passes, I seem to have fewer urges to try to return to him. Thank goodness because I wouldn't be welcome, anyways.
so sad you have experienced this ,for me its my sister ,and i know how awful it feels to not feel welcome ( or safe or heard or respected or listened to or treated without contempt coming in always ......its so heartbreaking ,i do understand . i wish us both recovery and some people who will treat us well x
Same story, for me it's my narc mother.
No contact for 14 years.
My life and soul depended on no contact with her.
I will NEVER be what she wants me to be.
And she too sees me as a rebellious, petulant teen, whom she has full rights to control.
I'm in my 60s!!
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am sad to hear how your father is towards you. My father too, cruel, sadistic and full of hate towards me, his daughter.
For me ....
Its the loss, the sadness, the missed moments of never being unconditionally loved by a father .
I reflect, journal, see how my own patterns, behaviours.
Its grieving for that loss, reparenting myself with assertive skills, self protection, that I never got from a father, its a life long journey, of reclaiming my self value, self esteem, self trust. Much love to you and all the beautiful souls here💓
@@thehotcoffeehouse6081 wow. my situation too I'm sorry for you having to go through this. I'm 58. My mom blamed me for my divorce, for my son's death and I never have felt loved or wanted. 💔🤗 hugs
Listening to Leila's letter actually brought me to tears (lots of familiar territory, i suppose), but then the anger kicked-in. It's as though she's a foster CHILD - not adult - who's been conditioned all her life in to believing she's impossible and unlovable, and yet all she does is UNCONDITIONALLY accept everyone's shocking behaviour, to a point where she's actually rubbed herself out in pursuit of breadcrumbs of approval. I feel like saying to her, "Leila, what about YOU? Remember YOU? What do YOU think, feel and know?" I think you're right, Anna, that her self-image (self loathing?) is so acutely bad that the bit of her that loves her cannot bear to admit how terrible it's been. Stepping away from the whole miserable, hating, angry, violent lot of them (sorry if that's harsh!) will open her eyes. And Leila, you think you're inconsequential to everyone, but actually you have more power than you could ever imagine, but you'll only begin to find out how much when you stop doing what everyone expects you to do. You're the puck in the ice-hockey game that keeps getting smacked around the rink, from one player to the other. Nobody thinks about the puck, but I've never seen a game of ice-hockey take place without one, so take their puck away, and lets see how well they all play!
We're all rooting for you Leila!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@nayomemestas2262 Thank you!
Everything you've written here is me. I'm the Goddamn hockey puck. It's hard to stop. All u want is to be worth something to someone. To have someone who has your back and will fight for you in a healthy way. How are you supposed to do that for yourself when you feel like the common denominator shit pile.
Me too. I was choking with tears😢
Beautifully said.... hope she sees it eventually
I adore your format here of going through a viewer's letter, and breaking down and analysing the situation. So helpful!
I'm so glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You have beautiful hair😍
I never knew what my mother want me to do. I leart to just be quiet and out of site. And again i am 69 years old and am just now dealing with this crap. There is a lot more things that went wrong like Vietnam but that i can not deal with right now
Howard you're not alone on the mother issues I'm 60 and mine is still causing me trouble it's soooo wrong
Glad you are here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I too am 69 and have been through many years of self reflection and learning to love myself no matter what my mother and ex husband of 33 years, told me and how they treated me. The abuse still comes up in my emotional self and I must turn to quiet my mind and self talk of I am Better than they ever said. Even a long time girl friend that drew me in to live with her, a couple of years ago, and within 6 weeks, told me I needed to leave because she discovered she can't live with another person, but had many critical abusive things to say to me the whole time I was there. Whew, who knew. Trusting others is hard for me, just not sure when the bomb will be dropped, I even say to myself - when will they want me to go away and so I distance myself from them for fear of being rejected.
I'm so glad she's still young and got out so soon. So many spend so long in that. I hope we get to here her victory story in the future ❤️❤️
Me too!
All of this! 😊
how old is she?
I was a teenager when a high school crush described me perfectly... an old soul with a whole lot of naivete. I feel, through memories, the pain Leila's gone through. It's so hard to begin when there is so much nothing, but begin is where we need to go. I'm still attracted to abusers, still have trouble saying no to abusive treatment, but like life itself, it all begins with baby steps and once we go from the emotional crawling to the standing to the walking and then finally running, joy and peace come as well. ((HUGS))
Yes, baby steps!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my God Anna, when you growled “Don’t you dare treat me this way!!” I got chills. You are amazing.
Grrr!
A brief explanation to Anna: you wondered repeatedly why this woman's mother was so angry or what were her motives to reject her daughter coming back home. From my experience, having grown up in a culture of strong patriarchal values (not Islam), the issue there is that women carry the "respect" of the community on them, that is, their acts and their bodies. Hence, the success of a marriage is on women's shoulders only, and having a divorce is considered a big failure for a woman. The mother might have been so angry for the shame it represents _to her_ having a daughter who couldn't make her marriage work.
It's awful, but I think it all comes from that "obedience" bs. In my culture, obedience is no longer taught to women (to a degree), but it's definitely being taught to children, especially if they're girls. Let's help each other to break this cultural justification of abuse.
that certainly is partially true in my case. My mother went at far as blaming me for my divorce and siding with my ex!! I didn't want to go into justification for it and explain the whys as it was very personal and humiliating. My ex though shared with others freely and (of course) blamed me.
I agree with your comment, but from what the letter read it seems to me that the mother was encouraging her to leave the relationship not stay in it.
The mother was angry at her for trying to make the marriage work, not that it failed.
In patriarchy women learn to be against women
my friend's father rejected her as a teenager for getting pregnant. They took her child away, she developed bulimia to stay skinny so as not to embarrass her dad, and she never left their home town, choosing a career as a nurse and marrying a cute, emotionally needy guy who became an alcoholic, guilting her with suicide every time she wanted to leave. Even her own kids told her to leave. All because her hero, her dad, rejected her for making a mistake, and she didn't want to embarrass him ever again.
Dear Leila, here’s what you did right/not your fault:
1.You are out in 10 months: I too married into a traditional religious family (in my case, Jewish). It took me 24 Years to get away. My in-laws never stopped judging me. My ex-husband never stopped manipulating me and other mistreatment.
You have a chance to learn to Be Your True Self and learn to Love and Admire Your Self now.
I wish ‘I had back the years the locusts had eaten’. You do! Please consider celebrating the life you can build now, not the life that you were spared.
2.A divorce can feel like a death. The vows are ‘til death do us part’. It is awful when someone is not able to achieve that, especially someone who has tried as hard as you. But no amount of trying was going to work. That is not your fault. You Deserve Good, and You Deserve Better.
From my experience, the trying does not help, not even 24 years of it.
They did not want you to succeed, or they would have encouraged you when you did well. Who wants to be in a marriage or family where they want you to fail?
3.Right now you still want to succeed and make it have worked. There is a reason for that. If you study Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ stages of grief, this is part of the Bargaining stage. In Bargaining we say, “If Only,” we could have done some thing, the person would not have died. What if the death of a marriage is quite similar? The purpose of Bargaining (in the stages of grief) is a kind of illusion that we have the power to undo death. That illusion of the power to undo only lasts one sentence, until the end of “If only I could have done it right, this would not have happened.” The next sentence is: “But it did happen.” That is not relief from grief, it is only one sentence length of illusion - it is not long enough, and it is not the real relief you seek. You Deserve Good, and You Deserve Better. You deserve to Be Happy.
4.What would help? Even a little bit of volunteer work could give you some relief. You would have a chance to feel what it is like when your trying does help, when it does make a difference. You will still need to feel your way through the grief process, but you will have some contrast, some example of how to feel good about yourself and others. You could help a child learn to read, or go shopping for an elder, or pick something else that suits you. It is important to do this for someone new, someone you don’t know, you don’t want any old patterns getting in the way of seeing yourself and the world in a new way. If you go to volunteer through a library or community center where they don’t know you, if you reach into another community, no-one will know you as divorced, they will see the ‘today you’, not the ‘yesterday you’. That will do, until your two yous come together and your life is on a better footing.
I admire you for writing this letter. I trust that you will get through this.
You Deserve Good, and You Deserve Better. You deserve to Be Happy.
We all do!
My favorite sign on a place of worship says, “God loves you. No exceptions!”
thank you for the supportive responses :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This woman dodged a bullet. In this case Rejection is definitely God’s protection.
Silent Treatment (Stonewalling) is Perfect Time for us to go
NO CONTACT.
Anna, I call you Crappy Mummy, not because you are but as a homage to the name of this channel.
In a world filled with tact, diplomacy, BS and violence, you are the true friend I have needed like all my life. I am no longer alone. I no longer feel weird. I feel understood. I am not alone in my pain anymore. I feel hope because of you.
You help me make sense of many things. No vague answers, just practical steps on what to do and how to go about it. How to dial back the anger, how to hold back the tears, how to keep in those words. Thank you.
I have prayed to God for years and you are my answer. Crappy Mummy tells me what to do with love, compassion and empathy. No backhanded compliments, no snide remarks, no disrespect, no mind games, no manipulation.
For my children's sake, I try. I don't want them to face Life feeling broken. I want to be present so they don't ever feel lonely and they know someone truly cares, about everything.
Thank you for all you do.
@Christiana, this is such a beautiful and profound note to share. Thank you -- it means a lot to me to hear that you feel no longer alone, and you're able to be such a caring mother!
Was literally just thinking this to myself. Recently discarded by a narcissist who had been gaslighting me and conditioning me to believe I have all sorts of problems, I wondered why I, an intelligent and therapised woman, still sent a message to him to try and repair the relationship. Even when I had been pulling back from him myself before the end, because I had finally been seeing the warning signs. It must be my issues with abandonment and emotional neglect in childhood.
Well in my case, when I was a child and I was been abused by adults in my life, defending myself was an absolute no! If I tried I was abused more, if I didn't respond the way they wanted I was abused more. Hence the only way for me to be safe was people pleasing because I was been program associate abuse + people pleasing = reward and abuse + been assertive = punishment. Hence when I was abused, the concept of abandoning myself became a reflex because my inner child still believe that they will be punishment if I don't do it.
My situation exactly!
Last night I realized that I hoard pens, pencil, and paper next to my bed in my drawer. This video made me realize why I do this. It hurts, but I'm glad to recognize what's happening.
I got discarded by a friend a while back and I've got feelings of hatred mixed with wanting to get her back
I went through that. It gets better over time. In fact with time, I started to notice things that were obvious but I chose to ignore.
The person I am now would not put up with this sort of behavior anymore.
@@ravenandthecrow Same and same. Good to know I'm not alone.
You have to love yourself more than you could love someone who is abusive. You don't deserve to be disrespected.
I feel this. I worry I'm being a ghoster/discarder of an old close friend or if we are just "naturally" drifting apart due to being adults and just working a lot in different fields.. but my discord/Twitter DMs/phone texts are open. I just ache to always have to be the initiator. I worry I am truly just less important to them compared to the other more relevant people in their career field. I don't want to act **clingy**. But I don't want to be **cold** either. 😒😔🙃
@@Iquey oh my. I am so relieved I am not really being over reacting for feeling the same way you feel towards your friends.
I feel the same.
16:46 I come from a dysfunctional family myself, my father felt that his wife and children were his "property". I think such people just can't stand it when someone else has so much control and influence over "their possessions". I don't think they care about the well-being of their family member, or they would have behaved differently in the past. And hitting someone because you only want their best interest? That sounds delusional to me...
This describes my childhood. Interestingly, I was raised in a strict Christian home. I was always an embarrassment. So I tried to conform to their expectations. I didn’t lose my identity but kept it hidden. The only place I could be myself was in my daydreams. Until recently, I spent most of my adulthood dreaming my life instead of living it. It’s been 10 years since my mother died. I have no contact with “golden boy” , my oldest brother and only phone calls with my other brother(scapegoat). I live in the present now. It would be nice to escape into fantasy but I can’t really go there anymore. I think that’s a good sign, actually. I realize I don’t have that much time left (66) and even more, I WANT to be present.
Laila's painful story touched me.
Never put anyone else above yourself, because only God deserves to be above you.
If you place a human being above yourself, you will eventually end up getting hurt and dissatisfied with yourself.
Your relationships keep failing and failing because the universe, God or whatever higher power you believe in wants you to learn this lesson.
If you are able to say no to everything that you don't want, all that you want will be much easier to flow into your life.
Wishing you love and strength Laila ❤️
So agree with you Spark on everything you say here to Laila.
It sounds like this guy just used her as a way to get into canada and start a new life there because in the middle east he was having it rough
She on the other hand might ve been brainwashed to think that she's too old (usually a woman should be married by 26 in Arab culture) her ex mightve been a little younger raised in an environment that looks down on women, in Islamic countries some people get married to "complete half of their religion" as stated by the Quran and not because of love.
Fellow Arab here ✋✌️
Leela, I am sorry that man treated you this way. But you are smart. You left. My ex always told me nobody else would ever want me, and I thought -- like you did -- that I just needed to work harder. I stayed 12 years. Your leaving was brave and difficult. "I think I can fix this." No, you can't. Be proud of yourself and stand tall. Blessings.
There are so many things in your letter that I understand and have dealt with myself. I was raised without love or affection, so I went with the first man who asked me. I thought I would then have love. I was fooling myself.
Please keep going the way you are. You left the abuse. Please try not to accept that ever again. Then come back here and tell us how you have succeeded. You are important and deserve love.
Whenever I'm dating someone I'm always trying to figure out if they like me I never think do I like them. I'm always worried about if they will choose me. I never think I'm good enough I always think am I good enough for them. I'm so sick of thinking like this. I'm tired of being sad and disappointed when someone doesn't like me or treat me how I want. I don't know how to change this mindset but it's ruining my life.
Then think the opposite
17mos Solo. No family, friends, partner = no drama, heartbreak, judgements.
I can't trust others or trust myself that I won't fall back into that trap.
Life is too short. I'm focusing on Me. I'll probably get a Dog-friend when I retire & continue to heal
IMO your approach to CPTSD should be taught and adopted by all mental health professionals who offer this type of counseling! I have watch many of your videos now and my neck hurts from nodding so hard!!! You GET it. You understand it and you get right to the meat of many other issues we have as adults. I have had several therapists, from one who told me to go outside in the morning and hug the sun to another who claimed to diagnose me in less than 15 min interaction, (then condescendingly tossed a prescription my way), to one I have had for over 20 yrs, and who has helped me through many, many tough spots, but just doesn't quite "get" it. Some of us need specialized treatment. I am realizing how all the issues I have brought to my sessions are ALL connected to those PARTS of CPTSD relationships, all those little things we tell ourselves, how we contort ourselves/values, thinking it shows flexibility in a relationship, but in reality we're chopping off parts of ourselves . My therapist knows this and does offer insight and challenges, but never seems to truly understand how it feels. Thank you for your videos. I have referred a few friends to your channel, too.
Wow, you really get it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are a priceless resource! My mother too returned me to multiple abusie relationships and would berate me for being "caught" in them instead of helping me get safe. She also held it against me for having a slipped disk, Hashimoto's, two thyroidectomies, and eczema (which she had too). Layla's mother was a sadist and loved to kick her daughter when she was down. Parents like that triangulate and turn the daughter / Laylas into the scapegoat, that's why she has shame and "guilt".
Wow, that hit home for me. I recognize a lot of this. I had the highly critical mother who demanded total obedience and punished any sort of free thinking. I also rushed into a marriage after only a few months because l was afraid that if I said "slow down" my girlfriend might change her mind and leave, ruining my hope of ever getting married. By the second year, she was sleeping in another room and blaming me for everything wrong in our lives. I tried to change, to get her to stay, but as hard as I tried, she said I wasn't doing enough. She walked out on our 2nd anniversary. Ever since, I have been going over and over the situation, thinking she would have stayed if I would have done something different.
So I sympathize with this woman.
There is nothing you can do to make someone love you. She did you a favor by leaving. Never rush to be married to anyone, ever.
❤️
Listening to Anna makes me genuinely want to be kinder to myself.
Dear Anna, I have grown up with a mother who suffers from sever mental illnesses (diagnosed bipolar, schizophrenia, narcissistic, anxiety) which left us four kid with issues to sort. Thankfully my dad was/is healthy minded. My mom's mental illnesses were a gift from her parents and so on (generational curses). She is currently off treatment (she is refusing) we all know it's only a matter of time again...
Thankfully my loving daughter and YOU have been my light in learning and understanding mental illness and to see my way through this darkness.
THANK YOU 💕💕
I cannot thank you enough and I am grateful that I found you on RUclips. I have learned so very much
Thank you again 💝
So glad you are feeling support from the channel
-Cara@TeamFairy
I relate to this woman's muslim upbringing. If she has experienced similar family dynamics to me, perhaps the parents swooped in to take advantage when she was emotionally vulnerable in order to resume their abusive behaviour towards her, not necessarily because they were so concerned about the marriage (though the marriage does sound concerning). I have to be very careful with my family members when I'm going through anything difficult- they pretend to be helpful and concerned but ultimately just use my moments of vulnerability to manipulate me in some way. Pretty sad. They will act loving and kind if something difficult is happening, and try and convince me that I'm too weak, unstable or lost and need to come back near to them. Anytime I'm near them my mental health plummets and their abuse, gaslighting and manipulation resumes. As they get older I guess they have less energy and power but they still have an uncanny capability for mental abuse. This lady's case reminded me of my parents, I can so see them using a tragic and terrible moment in my life- like a failed marriage- and making it all about them and what they want, increasing the drama and abuse while insisting its because they 'want the best'. Ugh.
Thanks for sharing that insight here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is exactly why I have set boundaries with my Dad.... He has told me that I'm stupid and never amount to anything so I don't visit my folks as often and I don't think it has improved my situation....
I meant I think it has helped my situation....
In the last few years more and more I have been seeing how badly my family abused me and how that has set me up for failed relationships. I couldn't see how I was being mistreated and I didn't have the know how or tools to stand up for myself. So I see how this woman doesn't have the ability to value herself enough to stand up to abusive people.
This is amazing! I’m going through this right now. Until I lost my hearing in my left ear, I’ve always minimized the physical
Abuse but I can’t be numb anymore
Glad you're here! Healing takes courage!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omgosh...had to look at myself at 57..I was molested,and beat for many years in th 70s..last year ran across a different type of abuse..stayed for a year.. had a breakdown.. people who have been advised...HAVE to be careful who they allow in their circle..we have to love ourselves before anyone else can..But most of all God loves us and he is th best father
My aunts raised me and my cousins to change ourselves to please men. “Men like it when…” always the message. The Catholic community I grew up demanded and rewarded those who fit the mold and those who didn’t were usually punished with labels and lower economic status.
Unhealed people tend to teach what they were taught...so glad you are breaking out of the oppressive belief system
-Cara@TeamFairy
Boy that letter hits home!!!! I was married for 31 years to an abusive man! He always told me that me and our kids were a burden and it was physically, emotionally, financially, mentally and sexually abusive. The confusion of the relationship of always being told by ex that I was wrong no matter how I tryed to fix everything!!! I had 3 nervous breakdowns and I am disabled from ex- husband now! The trauma bond is real and it's a horrible cycle of abuse! !!! I always left him after every affair or sexual harassment that he got into. He forever stayed sorry then did it again! It keeps you stuck because you really believe that they are a Good person! Lol they are not !!! The sooner you leave a narrisst relationship the better your life gets!
I'm relieved you are out of it now, thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oh I'm not out of it just yet! He is still abusing me through our adult kids. Narrisst always blame you for their actions! You made me hit you! --- Just an Example also I had to move in with abusive parents because I am disabled from his abuse and he abused me through the court system because I had a shitty lawyer who let him commit perjury in court! My lawyer bullied me into signing paperwork and then told the judge I was just being difficult!😡😡😡 my kids wonder why I am angry??? However my dad was abusive until he passed away. He never hit me only mentally abused. I complain to my brother because he is a millionaire and a builder and owns several properties that I could move into. But he said that I was being ungrateful everytime I cried to him!!!😭😭😭😭😭😭😭my dad was telling my mom and brother that I was abusing him and he was the victim! Which is projection totally! Btw- I am not an ungrateful person !!! The best thing I can do is go no contact with everyone! Praying for God to move on my behalf! Govt housing takes forever!!! But I'm thankful for a roof over my head!
I was soo traumatized by seeing ex husband is court because the last couple of months I was with him he held me in my car without stopping from Michigan to georgia. He wouldnt allow me to get my medication for pain . He also raped me violently before I left him! He knew I was leaving him because I started to stand up for myself. I left in October of 2018 and still in recovery from the nasty divorce and abuse! I am soo thankful for you anna!!! So so many women do not make it out alive. I know I almost committed suicide several times because he degrated me and put his negativity on me!!! Everything was always my fault! Thank god for abuse awareness and u- tube videos like this one!!! Much love and blessings to this channel!!!💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Emotional immaturity is so true because we don't grow up in a safe environment for us to thrive...develop properly...growing up in fear and survival mode does not help to go mature emotionally. I had all kind of abuse possible while I was a child from early age, I had early maturity within me, but in my interpersonal especially romantic relationship I act like a broken child. I used to act :) Now I am healing and your videos are so helpful. I am so grateful for you
Why is your timing so perfect???! I feel so grateful. I needed your voice and sanity today
Thanks so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna...i want to tell you how valuable your work is. I have written to you before, but you should be encouraged. I have now been doing the daily practice for two years, which has been so helpful to me personally. I completed the dysregulation bootcamp also. CPTSD is so hard to deal with; however the DP has restored my balance and understanding...and will be a part of my life always. It also has helped me and my wife to see and work through not only our relationship issues related to CPTSD, but also recognize the pain of childhood trauma in other family members. I can't work on anyone but myself; however the understanding is so very important to me. Thank you, Cara and everyone else on the CCF team. God bless you all.
Thank you so much for sharing how powerful this tool has been for you. You are solidly in the solution :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear Laila, I will pray for your healing from all this pain you went through.
Narcissists are all about control. It’s not surprising that Layla was raised by a narcissistic mother and then was later attracted to one as an adult partner. Those subconscious wounds run deeply, and abused children often as adults have romantic partners whom are abusers because that’s the form of “love” they’ve been taught.
Punishment from narcissistic people is always about control.
Her mother’s violent reaction to Layla wanting to go back to her husband is about her mother raging at losing control over Layla.
Thanks for your insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My heart goes out to you Leila. You are strong and courageous and you deserve health, happiness, peace, love. Many hugs.
Love that! Thank you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Layla, if you are reading this, my heart breaks for you. And it's a familiar heart break, because I am finally getting out of a similar situation. You aren't alone. ❤️.
Thank you for sharing your support with our letter writer. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This is how I learned to love from the very beginning. I remember being 6 or 7 trying to win my father’s acceptance and love. Have spent my entire life chasing love by going above and beyond in friendships and relationships with the same kind of selfish ppl. My mother wasn’t proud of me until I graduated college at 35, mind you I had been raising two brilliant kids on my own for over a decade before than.
Hi Anna, can you please do a video on the emotional immaturity/maturity slowing down that you were talking about? Thanks for all you do, you're a blessing.
That's a good idea. Let me give it some thought!
This lady oozes beauty inside and outside.
I completely agree about "there is a piece missing"- it is odd that a strict islamic "traditional" family would allow their son to marry such a "Westernised" girl- and it also sounds like he was a liitle older than men in that community generally are when they marry- he was over 26 at least.
My feeling right away was that his family have a secret and were so aggressive to her right off the bat because they were afraid she would discover and reveal it- it could be his personality/mental health but my gut just says that he is homosexual. There could be something else that has "shamed" them- maybe he has a sister who ran away and married her choice or similar. So controlling the rest of the females became vital.
Her own family remind me of mine- just furious rage if you don't do what they say and the same if you have any problems which are seen as weakness that makes them look bad.
Layla (Leila?) needs to disconnect from all these people and find better ones, but that's very hard. I hope she makes it.
He probably wanted Canadian citizenship.
I very much relate to this young woman's pain. I was forced into a marriage at 17 to an abusive man, but instead of wanting me to leave when it became physical my parents forced me to go back to him. My mother broke off all her fingernails to keep me from escaping. I did anyway but this kind of thing really hung onto me as guilt and shame. Thank you Anna. This puts it all into perspective. Especially when we have no support to move forward. We have to learn to support our own healing by removing ourselves from these toxic dynamics. Ouch.
Thank you for making these videos and showing support to the people who didn't have it growing up. It's so appreciated.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I don’t know exactly how I fell into this belief but it really relates to my own life.
Ohmygawd. I spent 16 years trying to help an unhappy person be happy. I gave up so many parts of myself just trying to be what I thought would make him happy. Our divorce was 1991. I have no idea what’s up with him even after we were together so long.
The great news is that therapy and 12-step meetings (including Adult Children of Alcohoics) taught me about boundaries. Now I am in a beautifully happy marriage for 25 years.
This video reminded me of how far I have come. Thank you.
Sorry Layla. I am soo sorry. We hear you and we are here for you. I am proud of you for reaching out. This channel will help you
Thank you for sending encouragement to Layla
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Crappy Childhood Fairy you are welcome. I just wanted her to know that she is not alone and there are people here who knows and understands exactly what she is going through. Reaching out to strangers for help when your own people has abandon you takes real courage. I am soooo proud of her.
My heart hurts for her. My prayer for Leila is she finds help and support to heal her wounds and lives a life she truly loves.
Thanks for rooting for Leila!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna I feel so comforted just hearing your voice… it is so difficult to hear all these stories but encouraging to see how we are all fighting to get through this.. thank you so much for being here for us ❤
We arw not alone in this. The Fairy Team is sending you encouragement. Jack@TeamFairy
There's always a conundrum when those who practice closed religion are raised in an open society. Children in that case are compelled by family to cleave to the religion and prioritize it above all other things. Particularly in Islamic households in the Mideast, as well as Islamic households elsewhere (as compared with secular Muslim households), the pressure to practice the religion in accordance with family traditions is extreme, and family abuse of those who aren't submissive often accompanies the pressure. In these cases, religious duty will usually precede the duty to your children because, without the religion, children who don't practice are viewed as poor examples to the rest of the household, to family and friends and to the community. The result of raising a wayward child is that the family suffers criticism, embarrassment and shame from family and community. It seems to me that this young lady attempted to please both herself and her family, which is an impossibility under the circumstances. In line with her upbringing, she chose a man for husband who was unsuited to her longing for freedom of choice, but who would be approved by her family. She chose a man who was similar to her own family when a secular Muslim man might have been more suitable for her. Having been raised in an orthodox Jewish home, I identify completely with her. Due to family expectations and pressure, I had an emotional breakdown days before the ceremony. It's a difficult situation. If she wants to live a happy life, she will need to decide what type of life she wants to live. If it's a secular life, then she must confidently marry a secular Muslim and adopt his family and community as her own because her family will never approve, and she must accept that. She can change herself, but she will never change them. If it's a religious life, then she must adapt herself and place the religious observation before her emotions and longings. I chose secular and have a good relationship with my siblings. My parents meant well; they were good people and strove to raise moral and ethical children. As the eldest, my mother (who was the eldest of 9) distantly approved (she was not touchy/feely) if I met her expectations and distanced herself when I did not. Needless to say, I often felt abandoned and disliked. She was a highly critical person, and she hurt me deeply in ways that affected my life in its entirety. This young lady must decide for herself what type of life she wants to live and what she's willing to accept from her family. When she does, she'll find the right person to marry. I don't make excuses for her family and ex-husband, but I feel that her marriage was meant to teach her something about HERSELF that could lead to choices and a life that will make her generally happy, despite her grief over the attitude and behavior of her family. Anger, grief, acceptance, gratitude for EVERYthing, forgiveness -- then peace and happiness.
Thank you for this insight on the situation." Leila" will see this and I hope it will be comforting for her.
This comment deserves a 🎤 drop‼️ actually a couple 🎤🎤🎤🎤‼️💖
Easier said than done Anna. But pets need you and don't judge you. Friends aren't that easy to find or make. I would love to have those kind of people in my life.
Perhaps, but taking a step is the first step towards what you want. Without willingness, you'll stay where you are. From one lonely person to another, my heart goes out to you. When you're ready, try again. ❤
So spot on. I had this problem with an ex and his family of the Catholic faith. My not being of that brand , I was outcasted. He took all the money and globally smeared my character. He kept the children even though the courts were open to 50-50 custody which broke me. So I moved back to my family of origin, (after living in dozens of residences until the money ran out, )my only financial option, living off their charity, which had its own dysfunctions, feeling like a child as a grown woman. And having to prove I’m “ clean” for 5 years , even post divorce , because of all the lies and litigation. And still I had inclinations to go back and fix it, ruminating what could I have done better. But truly he never wanted the real me.
Omg I've been asking myself this question. I just never understood why I clung on to ppl who made me miserable. Mostly in my mind.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow Leila, I have CPTSD but fortunately, I learnt not to expect less than I deserved. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive. I knew what I didn't want and avoided it. Sorry to say, religion reinforces abuse. Period. The family of Leila and her husband's family are hiding behind their religion to excuse their abusive behaviours, too common, sadly. She really needs to get help and also, maybe cut off family, or at least, for a time, have limited to no contact. Really need time to heal, get therapy, etc. I hope she gets what she needs.
I love the way you really pay attention and truly read their letters
I would argue that the times I succumbed to limerence were times that were filled with uncertainty. Changing schools and moving, divorce, raising kids alone. There was a ton going on. It wasn’t out of boredom, but rather out of fear.
Great advice! It's so important to spend time with people who are kind to you. If Leila finds a community of genuine friends to spend time with, who are interested in the same things she is, she'll start to learn who she herself truly is. She's been so worried about conforming to please others that she may never have had the chance to learn who she really is, behind those masks. It's going to take time but there's nowhere to go but upward & onward.
Upward & onward :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mom did the same to me not allowing me back home when i had a fight with my housemate and was forced to move out. I believe her motive was control and wanting to be the sole dominant in the household... because i can come off strong and dominant aswell...
It's sad to hear she is mistreated even by her family. Please get yourself out of that toxic environment. Please heal yourself and stay strong.
I tried to call a person and apologize yesterday after they've been giving me the cold shoulder after I set a clear and healthy boundary with them (one of the first times in my life). I didn't want to completely sever ties with them but their response to my boundary was to minimize our interactions to just the greetings of the day. And even then, they don't make eye contact, speak very gruffly or wait for me to say it first. I really care for this person and was looking forward to building a friendship with them and I kept second-guessing myself if I was too rash in setting that boundary and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. However, my gut was and keeps telling that this person was playing mental games with me, and that the 2 occasions that they made plans, didn't follow through and was very cavalier about them DIDN'T NEED TO BECOME 3 AND MORE. So, now, I'm working on grieving the fantasy friendship we could've had, experiencing the discomfort the coldness between us makes me feel and, most of all, fighting the need to abandon myself and my healing and make myself small to be a people-pleaser and get back into theor good graces, knowing that they hurt me and would just view me as weak, pitiful and wishy-washy for that.
Learn sooner rather than later after you birth children and they are exposed to family dynamics. And the cycle continues. 🌹
Very true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Aww girl you should never have to change yourself for someone to love you, the right one out there will love you for who you already are!!!! 💚 I can relate as I lost myself also in a 27 year marriage to a narcissists, been healing and getting to know myself again. Be strong take steps even tho baby steps as long as you keep going, your a strong woman so don't be hard on yourself, take time for you and your healing, my heart goes to you!!! 💚💚💚
That was so powerful... when we are healed we will say "Don't you dare treat me that way!!"
YES!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was just dumped by someone verbally and mentally abusive. He was cruel and called me a lot of body shaming names.
sound like he did you a favor by ending it!
Hi Laila, if you're reading the comments. It's not your fault! Be brave enough to walk away from people who hurts you or at least have good distance. We are cheering for you. ❤️
This letter was really heartbreaking to listen to. I sure hope she's on the other side of all this pain. She's so brave to share her story ❤
All your videos ring a bell for me but this one resonated the most. The more he made me feel bad about myself the more I set out to prove him wrong turning my self inside-out and upside down to be what he wanted me to be. The goal post constantly changed. It's been 3 years now and I have studied non stop on how to become whole again, and I think for the first time in my life I am getting there. The most helpful thing, while also lonely-- was to be alone. I ddin't have anybody any longer raining insults down on me. Now I am finding out what Cheryl likes, wants and what she's good at. And my inner hippy came back! I love color, and music, dancing and laughter, oh, gosh, how I love to laugh!
It’s truly a blessing I have stumbled on this channel. Truly a blessing.
Wow, thank you
Sending my love and best best wishes to Layla ❤️
So appreciate that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
wanting to heal is an important and valuable step, when i'm feeling tired and powerless and adrift it makes me feel better to remind myself of that, when old patterns seem so much easier and more comfortable than pushing through its that declaration that rebuilds my strength, i hope this person gives themselves that much credit at least, i can empathise with the vicious cycle of deserving or earning others :(
That's beautiful, thank you so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I put my parents through the same thing, they saved me and then I returned… making my way out again. This time on my own because I realize this was my doing and everyone has tried to help me.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Holy god, I could have written this letter myself. I was raised in fundamentalist Christianity, but essentially all the same elements were present in my life. I played the game with my (also traumatized) ex for 19 years….twisted myself into knots to make him happy, while he made demands on me that were literally contradictory and impossible. My self esteem was so trashed from my similarly withholding parents and the selfishness and gaslighting by my ex….it took me almost 19 years to understand that it was ME being treated badly, not the other way around….and that I had been primed for abuse by a bullying father and a hypercritical mother who always set the bar higher for receiving love, no matter how high I jumped. I learned from the minute I was born that I had to earn love and change myself in order to receive it. All lies of course. I wish I could have seen it sooner. Anna, thank you for posting videos like this. It’s work like this that you do that helped me to eventually break out of the fog that was an almost 2-decade abusive marriage, and to understand that I was conditioned to it by a similarly abusive childhood.
I'd rather be alone than be in a unhappy relationship ..
Me too.
Me too
Better to walk alone than to walk with a fool.
My husband is the same. I believe he did it to get his green card. We got pregnant three months in and got married at a year. I’m pretty sure he’s a covert narcissist and it’s different from the narcissist abuse from both of my parents because it was overt not covert. It’s hard for me to have jobs because he sabotage’s me keeps me up at night taking crap to me for not having sex literally every night! And never helps me with anything around the house. He keeps out of decisions when I ask for his advice then gets mad at me for the decision I did make even after I asked for his input. I’ve always felt like like I couldn’t do anything right. Nothing is ever good enough. I relate to this one. The conditional love I had from my parents it’s the same in my marriage.
Anna, I was once a Muslim convert and I understand a lot here. One of the things you should know about the Islamic community is that marriages can happen very quickly. Women aren't really allowed to date and the courtship process can easily be 3 months. She may have been afraid of losing this marriage prospect, because people tend to get married quickly in this community. And yes, women do get love bombed, and there is a strong narcissism in the community (that is being more recently acknowledged). I've been in this situaiton...its very painful. Muslims are expected they would love each other AFTER marriage, and marriage prerequisites can be superficial. Divorces can be granted as easily as a breakup. If there are billions of Muslims, there are also billions of interpretations of Islam. For some Muslims it works out...for others its a painful experience that can be repeated several times (,2,3,4, divorces!)
My daughter treats me really bad and disrespectful. Now her kids do it. I used to put up with it but now I don't. Last Thanksgiving she didn't show up till the day after because she had plans with her boyfriends family. This year when they asked me what I was doing I said I'm making Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving at 12 noon and they are welcome to come over on time
Sounds like a boundary to me :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
13:29 “they would love me if I could not be me” 💔💔💔😭😭😭
Layla really needs to learn to be her own best friend!
Thank u for trying to help her!
Good for Layla for leaving!! What a brave woman!!! Everything that happened to her is so heartbreaking! Sending you so much love and healing xxx
I'm living it right now. I am so glade I found you. I never dreamed healing was possible.
That's right - healing IS possible! So glad you're here, we're cheering for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
There was a moment in my marriage where I was told I was not doing enough. I did try to do better from a place of inferiority or shame. And I started to feel like a maid but worse than one because a maid is not a bad thing but I mean not a wife but a servant. And one day I heard an empowered woman who encouraged me on youtube to look in the mirror. Do I look like a maid? And I did. Worser than one. She said men say they want one thing but if you abandon yourself they will abandon you. She said to do what you want to do today and forget what he told you he wanted. I did. I put on my nice jeans, did my hair put on my sleek black jacket and a nice mat lip and went for the walk I wanted him to take me on for years. I took myself and the babies. I left him a fast meal. I came home and he was perplexed. Intrigued. Next day I did the same except before I left I asked if he wanted to go for a walk. He said yes! Then he bought me gifts. Anyways. It's been years and the marriage is better. I know that this woman's example is worse than mine but it did bring memories and the thought that for a moment my husband was thinking he was better than me until I transcended that and chose me. So now I hear what he wants and still I remember who I am and I know that's who he wants and he's probably just ranting. And he usually is.
Managing this CPSTD stuff with the overlay of cross cultural challenges is *so hard* The cognitive dissonance, mental and emotional justification, and inability to face reality while also holding love for your family is real. Just speaking from experience. Thank you for helping many of us navigate this.
13:25 “ they would love me f I could not be me”- oh man!