Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!
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- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2024
- Emotional blackmail
Guilt-tripping ("I sacrificed my life for you…"), dependence-driven ("I need you, I cannot cope without you…"), goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we must achieve") and explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion or any other set of values, or if you don't obey my instructions - I will impose sanctions on you").
Learned Helplessness
Learned or Acquired Parenting
External Locus of Control
Alloplastic Defenses
Grandiosity
Dysfunctional Responsibility
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"They are no longer with us. They are gone. So let them go"
“Their gone, so let them go”…….wow so simple and yet so difficult 😞
😢
Especially when they have jumped into another relationship within days of the breakup. That tells you all you need to know.
yes because YOU are alive. it‘s that simple.
100% SPOT ON. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the hell away and save YOURSELF before they kill your soul.
The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.
Ernest Hemingway
It's so much worse when they never loved you in the first place
Too fucking real. Thank you
Soooo true!
Sometimes I wonder if she loved me , for even a moment in our 22 year marriage, I don't even believe she is capable of love!
Had I known this many years ago my life would be very different. This hardening of the heart is the correct attitude. Protect yourself
Ditto
i wish i had known the deal before she went chop this is right on run like hell you are trying to reason with a mad person it won't fly it will just go chop
And don't bring kids into this crazy world full of terrible suffering. Research Antinatalism.
@@daveshore8671 what do you mean? Isn't it evil to cause someone to suffer and then die horribly?
The heart itself does not to harden...but the protective tortoise like shell right round the heart can be solidified to use as a shield. For our own hearts...and this solidification of solidarity is healthy...and essential
Growing up with the mentally ill, I came to the same conclusion. I stopped helping, listening and being available. Others who are still in the trap think I'm cold hearted. But there is no other way, "helping" makes no sense because neither the helper nor the helped come out better at the other end. I also stopped feeling bad.
As soon I started to think only in myself. ( study, save money, do exercise,move abroad) . My life improved dramatically. And the more it does, the more those narcissistic mothfkrs come to you.
The metaphor of the drowning person trying to drag you down with them as you do everything possible to pull them to safety, and ultimately losing, being forced to either give in and drown with them or let them drown alone...that is exactly how I described the last 5 years of my life to friends and family from whom I became more and more isolated. I'm a strong person but all I did was get severely damaged without ever pulling her closer to the safety of shore. I wasted 5 years of my life on a fools errand. Very insightful.
Whoa....wasted 5 years of your life, on a fools errand....love it!
Don’t feel bad. I have sent to hell my family . They hate each other , they pretend that they don’t. They’re 24/7 trying to manipulate each others… an eternal spiral of shit that they want to include you, so you become another player. I’m feeling far better. I don’t have to deal with daily stupid communications trying to compare and damage pther family members or setting me traps to make me say things against other family members. This is stupid af.
At least, you came out wiser..tired, but stronger. The right person will appreciate that wisdom.
A very telling comment a psychiatrist made to me many moons ago was "1 in 4 adults in Australia have a diagnosed mental illness, they are everywhere, and they are utterly irrational, all you can do is get away from them". I obviously didn't take in what he said. 😩
Slipout the back, Jack;
Make a new plan, Sam;
Get on the bus, Russ;
Set yourself free!
I never realized the lyrics to that song were so true but I do now. 😂
Gus,not Russ but yeah. 😂
Don’t know if you’ll see this, but this video saved my life, I’ve watched it at least 20 times, and it inspired me to leave my now ex PwBPD after a 11 month roller coaster relationship. I was so close to marrying her, and moving in, and I’m so happy I didn’t. Watching this video made me look at reality, and inspired me to take action for myself! Thank you for making this.
Mine took 6 months. I am prune to anxiety and the rollercoaster ride was killing me. She never told me she was diagnosed with BPD but i think she knew something was wrong with her.
2 therapists, a couple of meditation app subscriptions, daily cards, etc.... she was working hard to keep herself together. 3 months in, her mom passed away and I semi moved in with her to keep her company.
She then stopped everything and her fear of abandonment amplified. She wanted to crawl under my skin and merge with me. She gave me the silent treatment the first time i went to the office after moving in with her. Got angry when i wanted to see my friends. One time I went to check on my apartment and decided to stay an extra night at my own place and she "broke up" with me.
She was getting more and more angry. She would talk about how sometimes she senses "the void" and would ask me if I ever feel the same.
Her anger killed the love. Then I realized i don't have anything in common with her chaotic life. In order for the relationship to work i had to "fix her" and control every aspect of her life (spending, house keeping, how to treat her kid, relationship with the crazy ex). This wasn't something I wanted to do although I think she wanted me to take control and help her.
Today is her birthday and I am super sad. I am 8 weeks NC 😢. Happy birthday darling. I hope you get help.
I almost married my PwBPD and came to my senses realizing marriage wouldn’t make things wonderful as she proclaimed.
It’s always a moving goal post, it’s always 1 more thing and then it’ll be better, before you know it you’re drowning with them. It’s been 8 months since I left, and it’s one of the best choices I’ve made. Your mind sadly gets so clouded just by the day to day stuff that you forget to see what’s going on. I’m glad that both of you walked away, just keep waking, it’s better to ride a shaky sea alone then to drown with someone.
@@deborahserafin8253 I appreciate it! I’d love to say I did it on my own, but if it wasn’t for some awesome people
close to me who were willing to have the hard conversations with me about what I was experiencing, I don’t know what would’ve happened, it’s one thing if 1 loved one is saying a bad thing, it’s another thing when 3 or 4 people close to you are saying the same thing about the same person, had to put my pride aside, and surrender that I can’t save anyone but myself, and my life has been way better since. I wish you well!
@@stocktonjames888 The fact videos like this one helped one person such as yourself from making a major mistake, goes to show the video has served its purpose. Although I don't know you personally, I am so proud of you for making the hard, yet necessary decision to choose what is healthy for your own life. You would have been in a far worse situation if you did marry your borderline ex. Now you're free to live life free from a mentally ill person by your side, and even find someone who is mentally healthy. That is what I did. Life is so beautiful spending it with the right person by your side. Whereas the worst time of my life was being with my borderline ex and having to deal with the recovery when I left her.
9:20 They live to push your buttons!!!! Well put!
19:29 It’s not your responsibility to save anybody! Their life, their lesson!
26:08 They say they need help but they don't really want it! Trap!!!
So true! They live to push your buttons.What kind of a demon is that. Now i chuckle now and then when Im able to predict his moves, with a big High Five in the air!
Thank you!
@@desertrose4167 give a real high five by getting the f out.
@@aj32384 That is commendable, but watch out for martyrdom. It strengthens the illness and pushes you further under. Everytime distance yourself but don't use your tools like dbt, cbt, mindfulness, mentalization, etc to increase your conscious control it still feeds on you. It strengthens. It's an energy form you are supporting with own consciousness, a little more every day. Choose to use your tools and win the next battle, and the next, and the next....reclaim yourself.... it'll get desperate and you'll know it, win now and it'll be reduced in strength by an order of magnitude. We experiences in people in our lives were meant to do exactly this for us, avoiding them slow the whole thing down, and doesn't give them a chance to learn their lessons from you either. Give yourself a good chance, you can do it...
Also no matter how demeaning or offensive they are to you it’s always your fault. Promises make up for anything never happens. All promises are empty and you are just being to sensitive or just selfish.
In my 20s, I had a very clear and harsh attitude towards people who I realized had mental problems, then I started to behave more warmly and empathically by listening to people's criticism and I made the biggest mistakes in my life at this point. Now I'm back to the same attitude again and my head is so relieved listen to the Professor and mind your business. Life is short and beautiful
We ought to make distinction between mental conditions like borderline personality disorder, heavy addiction or even bipolar disorder and something like depression, autism, ADHD. Not all conditions cause patients to be so harmful to others, and the prognosis is so much different. Some of the best people I know are either neuro divergent or have suffered depression and it made them stronger, kinder, more resilient, more perceptive. Knowing what I know now - I will always try to help people who are trying to help themselves, just as I will immediately step away at first sight of emotional blackmail, threats or weapon ideas incompetence. It's such a difficult balancing act.
This is the best ever summary of my relationship with my mother. I let her drown after trying to save her for 46 years. The pain of letting go has been the indescribable. Thank you Sam.
28 years here only I have been depressed and turned narcissistic myself for most of my life so I don't feel much pain or anything.
me too, 32 years of carrying a dead mother, who parentified and infantilized me.. what a mess.. finally all ties are broken.. never to be restored.. and I feel much more individuated and free to chart my own path.. not having to please an easily injured mother.. a cover narcissist, a wolf in sheep's clothing..
@@remyragnarson7891 it's a tragedy :/
Prayers
@@remyragnarson7891 me too.. thank you for sharing 🙏🏻
Misery loves company
I have just left my Borderline after 30 years so this is exactly where I am in this video. The last time I saw her she was in a giant mess with alcohol again. My worry, stress, and sleepless nights had taken its toll on my mental health so I just left her there, i couldn't take it anymore. I've been wrapped in guilt and pain about it ever since but this video helped me see the truth. So thank you Sam.
Chin up doug!join the Gym and get a dog !
Take care of yourself, and try to avoid guilt.
Hi Doug, I know what you feel. I experiments exactly the same situation. And it changed me. With in addition CPTSD. And feeling like a junking without its hard drug. I am sure you passed thru these steps. Being cold, shaking during the night in your bed. If I would have known this before starting this relation or marrying her.
Always remember to not take it personal and that is the bpd talking
Trying to get over being split black by a person with BPD, was the worst experience of my life. I realize now, that I was in a no-win situation.
Same, and i have BPD 😂 i never knew how much that shit hurt, because i also split black in response, want revenge and go though the worst emotional hell for weeks.
Actually the worst BPD episode I've ever had outside a relationship, thabk god we remained FwB.
Same for me. I was in a relationship with BPD male for 8,5 years. Now ended this recently because of self rescue but the split feels like I am dying...
That was poetry, so well articulated and devastatingly true 😞
The whole video really is poetry.
In addition to that, I'm so glad to hear someone telling our story of suffering the fate of those fools
They want you to bear their burdens but we have to bear own cross
Nearly a quarter century with a borderline-narcissist, I’m struggling to get out. She’s controlled the finances, so it will take me time to leave. I have nothing, having become disabled early in the relationship. But I’m slowly saving what I can. Regardless of how poor I may be when I leave her, I know I’ll be free, happier, and healthier. I refuse to die being abused, not allowed to be the person I want to be, etc. She has had an extremely deleterious effect on my health. In the past couple of years she has become much more abusive, and I’ve developed hypertension, gallstones, hypothyroidism, and now a stomach ulcer and sleep disorder. Thank you doctor for reinforcing what I’ve felt for quite sometime, it helps in many ways. I wish you peace and happiness.
This might be his best video, or the one that I most needed to hear
My thoughts exactly!
I just said the same thing to myself!
They do not want help, they want to loosh you and destroy you....remember...misery loves company.
My son is mentally disabled, suffers schizophrenia. He lived with me for 18 months during the lockdown- I had to get him into assisted living because it was crazy making- now we have a healthy relationship because boundaries and I know he's safe. It's hard to just leave them, in his case I had to find him a place because he's vulnerable. But I did it for both of us. He's happier and so am I. I can now grieve the loss of my husband 2 yrs ago, having my son home I couldn't be free to feel my feelings, I was always on edge. It's never easy, but do what you have to.
I’m so sorry. That must be very difficult.
@@kelliejones6546 thank you so much 🙏, it can be. Love is a remarkable thing, I can never give up on him, but I love myself enough to know when I'm in over my head. I maintain that disabled is not unable and I still guide him and I see him making strides towards adulthood even with his limitations.
Understand that Sam refers to the Borderline disease. People with Borderline REALLY sucks you complete life down. And want to destroy you.
@@airinblockabitch9992your a good mom ❤
I don’t think this video is directed at parents in regards to their children, but at adults re: their romantic partners (or if you are a younger person in a family re: your elders). Being a parent to a child is a completely different relationship from a peer to peer relationship or being a younger party in a relationship, and people should not equate the two. Parents have a responsibility not to give up on their child: they signed up to play a critical role in that child’s life and development. Adult romantic partners do not play such a role or have such an obligation. Please don’t conflate these very different kinds of relationships.
Hardening my heart was one of the hardest part of my survival 💔
OMG I experienced everything you are saying exactly. I let this go on for 3 years before I realized that I was becoming mentally unwell myself. She really wanted me to feel what she was experiencing. No matter what I did emotionally and financially to make her life better it only got worst. When I finally got so hurt and depressed she was happy that I experienced just some of what she goes through every day as she said. She wanted to control me through manipulation and gaslighting and used pity for her. Angry outburst got be a daily occurrence and everything was my fault. I walked out and I wish her well.
Your work has saved my life and my sanity. I was losing myself in dysfunctional responsibility. Being the care taker of one and all. 🤦🏽♀️. Thank you. 2 years of freedom so far and I'm looking forward to the future.
I was the hostage…. 😢. This man almost took me from the earth…. Was totally not healthy for me…. You are right sir! Save yourself! They will keep on until you are gone. 😞❤️🙏. I had them all around me in my family…. That’s where I learned it from. I had a serous hero complex. 😢
@@deborahserafin8253 😞🙏
I wish I had this advice earlier in life, I'm exhausted from dealing with people now because of these types, too many are like this in Scotland.
I live in Scotland, too, and can sadly concur.
Aye- meet them regularly, cause much grief. Latest one is textbook. If only we could blame the English for all oor problems!
It’s everywhere, and there are far too many, but thankfully not all are this way
It's everywhere, not to be dramatic, but this is kind of a zombie apocalypse ☺ ... especially if you are trained from childhood to look for them, in the lines of "when you hold a hammer everything looks like a nail".
It’s so good to say No not this time sugar pop .. And chose Yourself,smile and wave 👋🏻 as the rolling that broke old boat far far away from you .
Ino it sound cruel but it isn’t…by helping those people we just create perfect habitat for them to Leach of our energy .
I watched this video and crying with every single words. It’s so painful that you love them but can not help them😢
"There's no place for a diatribe or a vitriolic attack on these people"
Thank you, for adding this. It's hard enough to see someone you love go through mental disintegration and have to leave them despite their intense and real fear of abandonnent without having to hear the rest of your community rant against them.
❤❤❤ I also agree, i largely dont contribute to socoety for this very well placed assumption, of ny fear of rejection socially.
This might help me make a jump, because i so realize people understand and are willing to give chances kf im actually ready to contend with my BPD.
Im also unwilling to pull anyone down with me, but i know i cant be single forever. Shits confusing at all times man.
Thank you Prof. Vaknin, this advice is indeed life saving. Harden my heart and leaving was the best decision. No one can help them and it‘s also not our task. I always said i don‘t need a fourth child i wanted a relation with an adult partner.
Indeed 💯 dealing with a child isn’t fun within a relationship
My goodness Prof,Vaknin...I am watching this perhaps for the 5th time to remind myself to keep disentangling myself from a deeply disturbing and destructive narcissistic family system. I'm on the last steps, with the worst triangulators now at no contact. As you say, the guilting and shaming likened to leaving my own child is THE worst feeling...and has often meant gaslighting myself. I'm sad to see my family drowning. It's indescribably painful. And yet, I have seen what you mean...whether I was with them or not, they took others down. This was happening with or without me. And I had to let the rescue model go. A lot if work...and definitely hardening of the heart...which does shake the very core of how I define myself. Thankyou for your work. I will be forever grateful and changed by it.
Just remember and dealing with a narcissistic family system that in my experience they can see you drowning and then they'll just pile a bunch of crap on top
@@taraarrington2285 As a fellow scapegoat used to say to me in regards to his own family of origin, "You can feel them ROOTING against you!"
"Some people don't want to be helped"
This made me think, perhaps they don't want to heal but want to hurt you to help numb their pain as if self harming viciously through another.
5 years and a LOT of money..and myself, lost. I swear it sounds like you know him personally…I’ve never ever met anyone like this before and pray I never do again. 😢
Same here, Candy...
Married for 17 but it didn't get bad until the last 5. Lots and lots of money lost...best of luck.
Candy you are describing the last 5 years of my life. Lots of money on psychiatrist, therapy for my PwBPD/BD along with complete financial and emotional support to no avail. Worst of all was loosing myself in the process. I’ve never been with anyone like this before and like you I pray never again.
I know this video is older, but I couldn't have explained the relationship with my narcissistic parent any better. Especially as I am working thru my guilt/shame at cutting them off. You're videos have given me a lot of comfort and understanding.
This is so true. Codependency from ACE’s played right into my “responsibility” to fix others. I too was symptomatic and pathological. I needed to take responsibility for my part and take care of myself. Healthy detachment.
What an absolutely profound talk. Cheers prof. … ahh the old rescue complex .. the hidden part of our own ego .. so sneaky. But once revealed - we can have a laugh at our own grandiosity, and then let it go .. to rescue someone is egoic. To love them is true service. And by love - I mean - give them the tools by all means, suggest a pathway for their journey out of the water - but that’s it. The rest is their responsibility. The biggest gift you could give someone - is to plant the seed in their head that they themselves are the architects of their own freedom (as opposed to them being dependent on you). And the only way you can do this - is by being a sovereign being yourself. And the only way you can do this, is to not rescue - no, but to show that you yourself (through your actions), have transcended this seductive play, and are a sovereign, integral being, full of self-sourced peace and joy. Tranquil as a still lake, yet a ferocious warrior when required. Ahh yes .. much love to all of you beautiful beings… we will all make it home eventually - of that I am sure!
You are a student worthy of our teacher Sam Vaknin. Your thoughts sum up Sam's message beautifully!
Beautifully said 💖 Tranquil as a lake but with your sword in its sheath
So well said 🙏💓
How can BPD, cluster bs, ect, hold important jobs? My ex is an ICU nurse and it’s very scary to know someone so unstable gives life critical care to people.
they can do very good in work setting. sometimes it is only close relationships that trigger their disorder
@@majaw4224 thank you.. it still blows my mind trying to understand what happened with us.
I’ve become more and more lost to myself, the more I have sympathized with my narcissist. Its been 12 years of chaos, of which no one else seems to understand. I cling to the little boy who is lost on the inside. It’s a two way street, and it’s killing my soul. I can’t help him. I feel like I am becoming him. When we met there was a part of me that needed to help him, the way I wanted that kind of support for myself. Not only could I not help him, I have grown farther away from myself. This video was something I really needed today. You are the only ONE WHO KNOWS. It’s one small piece of healing. I know if I let go, I will become aware of the parts of me that needed to grow from this situation. It just hurts bc it’s letting that part of me go too. We all have a place here. We all have a purpose. I know I’m hurting his progress. Shouldn’t that be enough for me? It’s the narcissistic parts of myself that keeps hanging on. Thank you for giving me what I needed today.
Now please act decisively on what you know. Make it a clean cut. Spend the next part of your life regaining yourself. You will have a spiritual reawakening worth so much more.
Get yourself a good therapist who understands this dynamic and make a plan to go, leave for ever. It's easier than you might think.
Same story for me. I connected with the broken little boy who had no chance in the house he grew up with. But he's also a little boy with no impulse control, manipulative and seeking attention through any venue he can get it. I'm at the point where I was becoming him.. the enmeshment. Sam and Richard Gannon did a video discussing that and how essentially you become a hive mind with theirs, even having thoughts and feelings that could be theirs (I absolutely experienced this). Helping him hold up his delusions of grandeur and false self that are completely fictitious but also the man you wish he could be. It's a house of cards built on a foundation of lies. I used to be vibrant and joyful. Now I'm flatlined and empty.. I'm him.
@@sharon_rose724 you describe it so well! I’ve experienced about the same…was married for 22 years…moved out from him - and our home- 2 years ago. And I’ve no doubt it was the right thing to do… but it’s a really long “Journey”afterwards also, after SO many years trying to figure out How to help him… just to finally conclude I was changing myself to be more and more like him (negative and critical towards other people, /to “the whole world” … and I did not like the person I had become!! And now I’m struggling to find out: who am I ??? But all in all that is a much better fight than staying - and se yourself diseappear…
In aso-called relationship
Wish you all the best in your life🤞🙏
100000% correct!!! My ex narc blamed me and all his ex ex ex girlfriends that he had no choice but to cheat on them because the things they did to him. Either they supposedly “cheated” on him, were not “financially” stable etc. Always blame shifted onto others never took accountability for his actions. Blamed me for his cheating ways because how dare I question him text messaging flirty and sexual things to other girls. It was my fault for asking so therefore justified his cheating in his mind. Thank you Jesus for pulling me out for good.
This is the first time I've thought about the feeling of leaving the narcissist as being like the feeling of leaving a child alone. That's exactly what kept me going back - that's the feeling. I couldn't deal with the guild even though I knew the cycle and the end result every time. Thank you. That's amazing.
I can absolutely relate. Guilt and "love and loyalty" to someone who never showed me either of those. But my heart hurt for what he'd been through.
In my head it’s pity that kept them in my life.
Amen to that. Why should my life be shit because theirs is?
Dude this guy ripped my heart out and just made me realize everything
My next door neighbor is is a diagnosed borderline who was once locked up at a mental hospital. Even though she sees a psychiatrist weekly and is on medication, she is the most manipulative person I have ever known.
She always has a serious, life- threatening illness. Two years ago, she pretended to have a serious disease that would require brain surgery. I didn't know better and gave her endless assistance and attention until I was physically and emotionally drained. No surgery happened and the ailment has never been mentioned again. This winter, she developed chronic fatigue. She duped the other neighbor into shoveling snow from her driveway all winter, and tried to guilt trip me into vacuuming her entire house each month. I refused.
How do I know she is faking her illnesses? Her own doctor refuses to see her unless forced to. Her doctor doesn't pick her calls or respond to her emails. She literally has to send handwritten notes to be delivered to her doctor. Her own doctor told her that there is nothing wrong with her healthwise.
She was me chatting with another neighbor and got jealous, so she tried to pull me back in, badmouth that other neighbor and reclaim me, because she thinks i am her property. Can't wait to move out in a few months!
That's intense! Hope you get out for sure!!
Sam, these videos are rocks I can anchor myself to through during the hurricane of narcissistic dysfunction. Thank you for the help.
The most important point in this video is when he calls out the enablers of their abuse. He calls out those with grandiose something something. I agree, in most cases, it is your own fault, and for this reason, you wanted to be a hero etc. And if your child grew up with narcissism etc the only place to look for the cause is in your mirror. Take responsibility for your own actions. If you grew abuse children seek forgiveness from God.
I personally never took on the drama of any mentally ill person - even when I was super empathic, they are bloodsuckers. Why would I put myself in the way of a bloodsucker? Would you put yourself in the way of a out of control car, bus etc??
All you need to do in this life is take time to know yourself to avoid all the drama
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 you don't know they're mentally ill. You ever see a vampire movie? Nobody is intentionally hanging out with vampires, They have a good front. Noboody is intentionally signing up for it. The same way that people that get hit by cars don't intentionally go get in front of them.
Etech… same for me!
I don’t know if I am mentally ill or my ex is. I never threatened suicide, I did try to commit suicide while we were together. He was mean. I was working, had a good job, had my home paid off, and it all fell apart when he came into it. The debt climbed, he made fun of me when I was working until I quit, was mean to my daughter and I. I felt trapped, I felt like I was nothing. When he left my health did go, high BP, Graves’ disease, wheezing in the lungs, when I was low he just kept walking away, but he helped me get to be that low. He would withhold intimacy, wouldn’t have sex with me and if he did it was cruel and humiliating, and I had to ask for sex like a child and almost always he said no. I know I have problems, I’m in therapy now trying to fix it. Scared me that I am the problem.
Your insights are so helpful-for both understanding my narcissistic partner, and for understanding myself as well. Thank you
Especially challenging when you actually are the parent.
Right. I'm not sure I can do this. My girls have been my purpose in life for so long. Not sure how this would work. I feel like this would kill me too.
Same. Mine is in mental health unit having a baby whilst she has lost one through social services. I'm exhausted keeping up with her life.
@@graceselfe8628 I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you much love.
Professor Vaknin thank you.
This is literal gold for what I'm going through with the wife
Don't know if it will work for u, but I simply said "I'm henceforth choosing the energy I surround myself with. If I detect emotional instability or hostility directed at me, I will choose to leave that situation and will return only when I feel comfortable again". Healthy time apart. I thought that was so logical and obvious.
What a timely message. 👏. Some of us need to hear this daily.
I’m not motivated as they drown me every time
Thank you. I needed this today. I left my family to heal. I left at age 50. It took me that long to see all this. I was raised by two mentally ill parents. My sister became a narcissist. My other sister is mentally ill and won't do anything to help herself. I now know I am on the autism spectrum. I have learned a lot about myself. I'm still going through healing. It has been hard. Cutting ties has helped, but it brings a lot of feelings I can't explain yet. I'm still figuring it all out. But this gave me some answers. Recently i talked to my mom, she layered on the guilt. I thought at first it was some closure to talk to her, now I see it was to lay on the guilt. Gas light me. I also talked to both my sisters and see more then I did before. The narcissistic behavior that use to affect me, is so clear now. Everyone still caters to her even though they don't trust her. I talked to my mental ill sister and saw how I can't live in her world for her anymore. I haven't talked to my dad. But I know how that will go. He will lay on the guilt to. He always did that or said something to say how much of a disappointment I was. I thought talking to my mom and sisters would help me in a different way. But how it helped me is to see that i do need to stay away. That nothing has changed and will never change. I am fighting through strong guilt right now. I know it is because of how they brought me up. How they programmed me to be. After 50 years of programming, it is taking time to reprogram myself. This video has cleared some of this for me. Put words in what they were doing. Explains some things I needed to hear from someone other then me. Because they always made me question myself. Thank you. You have helped a lot. I know I am on the right path.
Yes, you are. 🤗🙌💖
Yes!!! Ur story is so similar to mine. We didn’t Cause it, we can’t Cure it, and we can’t Control it. ❤️🩹🤍🤍🤍🤍sending u healing!! We are only responsible for our journey. Detaching completely with love is so challenging. I feel the guilt deeply too.
@@viola7658 me too
Your story is identical to my story! I have two mentally ill parents too, oldest sister is a narcissist, one of my sisters is very mentally ill, and I am the youngest of five. I saw all of it very early on. I am lucky to escape them too. Never give up. CHeers to healing.
I could listen to Prof. Vaknin for hours.....
I do. and he has recorded hours and hours.... Sam knows what he is talking about and he does not waste words.... In a sense he is a spiritual teacher.... and a poet
My understanding is nicely expressed by Dr. Vaknin here. Thank you. My family and ex-wife are mentally ill... functional in society, but still sick. My decisions about my relationships with them are based on a crazy-bad value proposition. It's tantamount to an emotional lottery. I can't win without buying a ticket. I must participate in their emotional lottery in order to win what I want. That said, I have never won a lottery ion my life. I don't know anyone who has. I know only people who have wasted money and lost. Players are big losers. I am now divorced and deFOOed. I didn't get what I wanted-- I'm not so happy-- but at least I am not a big loser. When the choices are bad and worse, choose bad.
Been there, done that, RUN!
"They're gone, so let them go."
I’m crying watching this. I keep fighting but this shows there’s no hope. I’m so afraid. I feel like my mind is trapped in hell. I can’t even function or get out of bed for months. Mum doesn’t care. But thankyou for your information. It’s important to know my evil toxic traits..I had no idea… I was nit aware ..
I thought I was partnered with an complex and infuriating person…now I know I was confronting a disease state…Sam you’ve helped sooo much 🙏
Dysfunction responsibility.....a great way to describe receiving and accepting unfair blame for another adult's misbehavior.
The is the greatest summarisation of my experience from 2007 until she moved out last June. It also helps to keep me focussed on what reality is in regard to letting it all go. I had no idea what was actually happening all those years. I knew something was very wrong from day one. But I thought I could help her. Thanks for the video, Prof. Vaknin.
This explains how I ended up with the narcissist. My husband of 26 years had terminal cancer for 13 years. We were a great couple, we had to go out of town for long periods of time for his treatment, leaving our daughter his job, my business ,home ,dogs, horses, farm……in short he was the brains, high IQ ,I was the common sense .
Towards the last years of his illness and bc of the long years of fight for his life, I became his voice his fight…..
When he passed and it was time, I was close to not surviving the cancer myself, but I was not prepared for what came next. The fog settled in and I could not see clearly. His cancer affected his bones and we were not able to touch for years, I protected him from my fears and he protected me. So I took off to Live again, traveling with my horse, but it was impossible, I could not survive away from home nor at home.
I was aware of this and was looking for a way….. but the fog, and then I met the vulnerable narcissist. He found my trigger easily, the word was help. Part of me knew something was very wrong, the audio did not match the video.( my professional life had been work in mid and upper management running businesses and training people, so years of experience dealing with people helped here.)
My husband passed 8 years ago and I was with N for the past 6 years, he moved out 5 months ago. I saw how he was manipulating me, using me, standing on my shoulders, living my life , friends and family were his……had this been before my husband’s illness he wouldn’t have gotten past hello. Now as you mentioned Prof Vaknin, he is in my head and it’s time to begin again, but we have a hay production business together. I have bought land to move away and we have discussed growing hay there, but it’s only possible if I can successfully cut all the manipulative bonds. Not sure I can at this point.
He pushed my friends away and so did I when I saw he was using my life to be his life. I do not have a single friend or family member that wants him around, and I think he has hijacked my iPad and computer but can’t prove it. My physical symptoms include very tired, confused, low energy and I do not feel like myself. He has tried to Hoover back in but I have seen his game plan and I let his attempts fall to the ground.
My husband used to tell everyone, and we live in a small town that I was the reason he was alive, I would ask him not to say that bc when he died it could appear I failed…..
I wouldn’t have given the N the time of day before my husband’s cancer, I have not ever experienced love bombing, discarding devaluation all the terms I have listened to in the N videos. I have seen his N traits come out in me, which in itself is another problem, but a necessary evil to protect myself.
The narcissist channels found me about a year ago, before that I was totally lost. Why was I putting up with the lying, porn ( which is completely against my sense of Self). His mother was a N and his father is a N, and those stories are off the chart strange.
I have developed a strange physical symptom and my face feels numb? Well these videos are helping, I don’t like this rabbit hole.
Prof V, said replace his thoughts with my thoughts, build a firewall, harden my heart…..the N exploited my weakness, which in retrospect I could see, bc I remember telling him in the beginning, “don’t hurt me I’m a good person”.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m not weak, I can own my mistakes, I can change myself. This N didn’t meet a total pushover. Thank you Sam and God bless all trying to be whole again.
@@weeteelim3749 not my strongest point, but I’m working on it
This may be your most powerful video yet. I dare say this one lecture is all one needs to know.
So many years I am asking myself: why, why I am feeling so guilty and carry the feeling of responsibility for my parents,my brothers, their lives and problems?I am the youngest one. Thank you Sam, you gave me my answer, a hope I was looking for a long time.🏡
LIFE CHANGING & VALUABLE ADVICE !!!
I needed to hear this. I am one who walked away from some narc family members and romantic relationships. My test nowadays are those family members, as that can be tested over and over again. I have to remind myself what I went through before whenever situations come up that I don't want to be sucked back into. My own health and peace is the priority now. Thank you, Sam. 🙏❤☮️
Thank you, Professor Vaknin. I have been following you for about a year and a half. I've learned so much from you. You have actually saved me from suicide a few times. I know people who got involved with a narcissist and couldn't handle it and they committed suicide. I've listened to you and have been holding on bc some day, I hope I will be able to help people who have been victims with no one to advocate or help them. You are truly a Godsend and I thank you so much for your guidance when there was none. Flying solo while under constant attack and no one to help has got to be one of the scariest things to go through, especially when you know that it's not you who is mentally ill, but you've been labeled by his followers.
I never feeled so understand. You saved my life Sam, thank you so much !!
This particular video seems so heartfelt. It helps more than you could ever know and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My dear professor you described exactly what I went through .. thank you 🙏
Now I’m free from that narcissist!
Thank you for reminding me that I am not responsible for my extending family and their learned helplessness and inaction. My cousin is about to be evicted from his apartment and it is hard to not involve myself other than give information.Thanks for the reminder.
Emotional blackmail I feel was quite pertinent during the pandemic.
This is one of the BEST video's you have made!!! Thank you.
My heart is so hard but I've always been so very loving
I thought the solution is so obvious, any1 would agree. I told the BPD I simply remove myself to a healthy environment until emotions are stable again, but apparently one isnt permitted to choose the energy i surround myself with. Why? Don't know.
Thanks. I really needed this. My heart has been very heavy.
This video just changed my life. Thank you Sam.
YEs infect me! It very scary of how someone drives you crazy that you almost able to end your life without knowing the problem is not you.
I just realized a few days ago from watching your other videos, that I never properly separated and individualized from my mother. My parents had lost a child at 5 years old, the year before I was born, and then I almost died at a few weeks old myself from SIDS. My mother never let me out of her sight and did not allow me to separate. I was a scared child afraid to leave her side and when I hit pre-teen, when you are supposed to go through this process again, I developed a severe anxiety disorder with disassociation. This lasted through high school when I started drinking to mask the pain and anxiety. When I graduated, I moved to San Diego and met my to be husband immediately. I know now that I was looking for a mommy figure and he was also looking for the same, as he was abused and neglected right out of the womb. I latched on and let him lead me, even though he was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe he is a narcissist, borderline, had cptsd, or whatever else you can throw in there. From what you are saying though, I too am a narcissist because the separation Individuation wasn't successful. I am a people pleaser, empathetic to everyone and would never raise my voice to someone in anger. I don't see how I can be a narcissist. Regardless, I was with him 35 years before I finally came to my senses 5 months ago and left for good. This was after several attempts and going back. Exactly what you describe is how I was living and exactly what happened when I left. I am now faced with figuring out how to go back and separate from my mom, who died last year, and also separate and individuate from my husband, if these two things are even possible. I have a constant underlying anxiety, and nothing I try seems to help. This video put things in perspective for me, and although, I am seriously struggling, I do feel better having a better understanding of why I got with this person, why I didn't leave and why I feel the way I do now that I have finally left. Thank you Prof. Vaknin. =)
If you want to help them help them help themselves, i got bpd and enabling just pisses me off. Its like your saying you dont respect me enough to think i can improve.
Thank you very much, I deeply apreciate your work and honesty. When I listen to you, I realize that there is no way out of the narcissistic space without humility.
This was very clear. Thank you.
Run for Your Life is a power statement.
People who Listen and learn from others will lead a better kind of LIFE
Saving so much TIME
Life Is Time... therefore
THIS... IS... YOUR... LIFETIME...
SO HAVE A GREAT ONE 🤗
This is one of the sharpest video you ve made . To me this was the most traumatic experience, to arrive to doubt my whole life/ values/ system of beliefs.
Wanting to help/ being lovingly friendly and after becoming really fast a bride after a huge love bombe . Discard/ devaluation and ghosting in very short time after . Almost a year of intesive therapy and seing all the collateral damages are just a little spot on how powerfully destructive this can be.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing this cleaning help on your Chanel .
I'm suffering. He broke up in December and I know I need to go no contact . It's so painful. I am feeling more sad for him than myself even though im in a horrible condition right now. This is crazy 😢 greetings from Germany
"RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM VICTIMS":
LIFEGUARD, DON'T SAVE THAT DROWNING PERSON. FIREFIGHTER DON'T RUSH INTO THAT BURNING BUILDING, PRIEST, MINISTER, PSYCHOLOGIST DON'T TRY TO SHOW SOMEONE A BETTER WAY....
He is speaking about unhealthy relationships, not being a public "servant"
There is quite a different
Thank you a thousand times, thank you, Prof. Vaknin.
This guy is telling the truth. I don't want to hear this shit.,
Your truthful words help remind why I am sprinting, 12 mths with zero contact, everyday I gain a little more mobility, & refuse to be anything like him.
I just love you for all this you teach me! This episode is what I needed desperately. Many thanks and greetings from Sweden!
Sometimes we can’t see what’s staring us in the face when it’s a loved one. Thanks for this insight into how mentally ill people manipulate their loved ones. It all makes so much sense to me now. Thanks Prof!
The problem also lies within therapy at the moment, some of the therapists/psychiatrists enforce the victimization/infantilization to have their costumers, the drugs do the rest for some. Once you're on anti-psychotics for example, there's a lack of willpower and self awareness. Not for all, but that's also something you have to take into account. Is the therapy really helping or keeping people stuck?
Your clarity resonates, and then just keeps resonating. Such is the nature of true insight and understanding. Imagine the human suffering that could be saved if this were general knowledge. Not only would unsuspecting victims be saved from lives lost to torment, but the mentally unwell would be less enabled and therefore more inclined to seek professional help.
If I was only able to ask for my life's lesson without the pseudo-intimacy reciprocated yet initiated by the demon. Where were you Professor, during my earlier years? Then again, had I been emotionally matured to have comprehended? Invariably, I am grateful now. If it were not for that wicked experience with the ex-narcissist, I would not have learned my weaknesses nor motivated to find the root of it all.
I had no idea of my shattered self; putting so many pieces back together without getting cut. It was "me" all along that needed help.
My entire life, up to three years ago, I've been exhausted thinking I was doing something great fixing the ungrateful. Three years ago, I took that deep-dive into childhood and I tell ya one thing, any other person would have to where a SN's helmet after re-learning that trauma..."sheesh!" Be as it may... "Thank you Professor Vaknin."
❤️
Dysfunctional Responsibility.
Omg I don’t feel good. 😢
Mind blowing how accurate you are. Learned parenting, what an eye opener. Thank you.
I’m planning my escape from this right now …
The narcissist after 6 years of marriage is asking me and my son just to disappear from his life. I begged so much for not breaking up. But nothing can stop a narcissist when they decided to discard. Feels awful.
maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Your son doesn't need to live with a sick person, poor boy.
Run n never look back you and your son deserve so much better please know your worth!
Thank You! I am going through this right now. I am really suffering worrying about abandoning an ex narc. I needed to hear this to stay strong with no contact. HUGE KUDOS to you.
Ugh, me too. I'm horrified he almost got me to answer his message but of course I won't. He contacted me after 9 or 10 months... still, he has enough of other victims who want to play his mother-savior. Well, just one actually but when he loses his crutch, his last supply, he will attempt suicide. One that will not be successful of course. A cry for help, an extorting act. Really annoying that I already know this in advance. I'm smarter than him.
@@ivana5240 Wow! Sounds like we dated the same dude. Mine got through to me after 7 months of no contact. So I am now REstarting it. I fell for a made up sob story. I recently realized the two suicide watches I've been through with him were manipulations. Stay strong, we can do this!
@@twinsma14 oh dear, he needs help but not the kind sex and mothering from us can give him. :) It's a fake soothing mechanism, escape from reality. I don't want to be a pedophile, now I know he's a 3 year old trapped in a man's body. Yuck, not me, I'm not doing this. They need a psyche ward and that's all they need. I have my own life to live and because my life is demanding I need stable friends who get me and who are like me. I know I'm lucky to be "normal" now. And I recognize people who are pathological much sooner than before thanks to him.
Keep going. Me too I'm on no contact. let's keep being strong.
My borderline was impossible to make happy. She told me she just wanted to be loved. And she said she didn’t know how to be loved. Not to break her heart. But no matter what I did. She never felt safe with me. There is no hope being with her. Just push pull push pull hot cold hot cold. Agonizing.
I'm in the process of saving myself from my girlfriend who definitely has some sort of mental illness. She's broken up with me 6 times in 14 months. Pain doesn't even describe how it feels.
So brainwashed, she comes she goes, she leaves me never for any good reason...she is chaos with legs, so messed up, 16 years older...my first lesbian relationship....she came to my apartment a week ago to pick up the key to my apartment to water my plants while I was on vacation but she broke up with me again instead.
I feel so sick and broken.
Harden my heart...run away.
You have to go NO CONTACT
I am glad that I woke up and after feeling drowning and abused by a mentally Ill Narcissist. I removed myself from a person like this. It was hard to let go but now withy him, it is now beautiful again. I wish him well, but his choices and actions are not my responsibility. I blocked him and deleted all his contact numbers.
This lesson was hard, but I am glad I learned. I don’t want anyone I love around this type of sick individuals.