Ooh, this sounds like who I used to be. She'll eventually get to the point where she can't be attracted to the men who are not attracted to her. Men who look at you with stars in their eyes become your type. It's so lovely to be loved for who you are, and that will only happen if you show up as who you truly are.
I stop myself from dating jerks. The only problem I have now is I am not attracted to nice guys I lost a great boyfriend who wanted to marry me. I felt he was too clingy. After we broke up, I realized he was OK without me. He ended up marrying someone else. I've been alone for the past 20 yrs because, I've still only been attracted to jerks who don't want a commitment. I'm 63 so not sure if I'll end up with anyone. I'm a fearful avoidant due to parents who ignored me.
@@jenn-tubemight still be a blessing in disguise by not being married to anyone. I am like you. Also in my 60’s. I knew I would helplessly make a mess out of any marriage. Better off single than married. ❤
This is spot on! I laze about with no motivation, energy or goals. Then, when I think someone 'needs' me, that's when I become totally energized. Thank you.
I've lived with a codependant person back in college, they would go out of their way to cook, bake and clean for me and everyone else in our building without being asked to the point that I had to ask her to stop cleaning up after me and I stopped eating her food with everyone else because I realised this was going to create a very unhealthy resentment as she wasn't getting anything in return and would actually complain and bitch to a couple of people in our building about it. Eventually it lead to her snapping at ME and jumping down my throat during a discussion with the rest of the house following a dispute about people not cleaning up after themselves and instead of getting mad at the most manipulative person in the building who was clearly taking advantage of her codependant tendencies. I realised her anger was drawn towards me as I wasn't buying what she was selling and wasn't going to feed her unhealthy desire for a forced friendship and her secretly controlling behaviour instead of getting herself help from professionals.
It sounds like she felt safe attacking you. The others are more intimidating. You were a proxy for them. She tore into you, but may have expected the others to apply her points to themselves and change their behavior.
Yes. TERRI Cole *Utube) sats that needy codependents put themself out on a platter, then resent people taking from the platter. You literally declined , and it was a no win situation for the over doer. I just ended a friedship with a friend/neighbor that overgave and overserved. When i asked her what i could do for her, she always relpied, " you just have to be my friend!" UGH! Feeling relieved.
I think some people are so used to being gaslighted from childhood that the very thought of even making things about themselves for a minute seems like a strategy that is going to lead them to unsafety. I've been practicing simple ways of setting boundaries in public. For instance today, it was a small thing, but the pool where I swim laps is often very busy and I am serious about swimming and I swim far and a lot. I don't mind sharing my lane but I simply don't want your foot in my face, or to 'circle swim' and have you go the wrong way. So today someone came up and asked to share the lane, and I said 'sure', but then immediately his girlfriend/partner/whatever was made part of the arrangement, and asked, "can we all swim together?" And I just said, "1 is fine, I don't want to go 3 in a lane. Sorry." The look on their faces was like I had stuck a knife in their chests. AITA? I just put down a little boundary. Some people have NO problem thinking that everyone else is going to bend to accommodate to them, and I have been doing the accommodating all my life. Just the simple act of saying no in a situation like that felt so good. And you know what? They found a lane and I got to finish my workout in peace. Happy ending.
@Kareen Curry I can't speak for you but I don't know your situation, but...people who are overly accommodating tend to invite other people we would describe as 'takers' into our lives simply by our (often unconscious) behavior. If you send out a certain signal, you will attract someone on the same wavelength. If you send out the vibe of 'I will buy you a fancy dinner, wipe your butt, and you can use me as a (metaphorical) punching bag because I'm lonely', then that's the kind of person you're going to attract into your life--you will attract someone who thinks that your offer sounds like a good deal. Of course it doesn't help that it's unintentional. However this sort of willingness to accommodate is probably mostly a strategy to avoid being harmed by people. If your strategy to reduce harm was to placate a person who was stepping over your boundaries and emotionally (perhaps even physically) abusing you as a child, then as an adult, you will still be placating people, without realizing it. It's wild to think about it that way, as you say to yourself, "I'm so giving!" But really it wasn't giving as much as it was placation. If, for instance, I give up my lane in the pool, then I will avoid something bad from happening. Until you question the situation and ask, "what bad thing am I actually avoiding here?" Placation and love are not the same thing, as I've learned the hard way.
That you were able to do that in the moment shows great progress... an initial "yes" from me, usually keeps me unconsciously "yessing" myself into resentment. I hope to be able to do what you are able to do - be clear about my wants/needs and assess each request as it changes (or they push the boundary.)
The ability to not place your self worth in other people really is the key to overcoming codependency and to not come across as controlling. This inevitably makes you more attractive, which is exactly the kind of thing you wanted in the first place to validate your self worth.
I just realized as I was watching this video I go for unavailable men and people that push me away, because! That’s how my mom was. She didn’t want anything to do with me unless she needed something. The more she distanced herself the more I chased, begged and tried and oh boy did I try so she would see me and accept me.
I had been a co-dependent. I was self deceptive and manipulative to receive love. As I have come out and trying to be me. I feel I was very creepy. Co-dependents are running away from their unhealed parts. They are scared of being themselves.
Just realized this about myself and I’m almost 40. It’s a weird feeling. I have always had strong opinions, values and consistent interests and i communicate my emotions immediately and strongly so I assumed I knew who I was. But lately I realized I don’t really know what I want and my big emotions just scratched at the surface, I can’t really identify the subtler feelings underneath. Making such a big realization this late is eerily confusing but also exciting to get to know myself better and more deeply.
If you're too scared too watch this video based on the title, take it as good news. You know this aspect of the work scares you. You know you have accountability to take, and it's hard because you tried to give so much. Being able to tolerate your honest mistakes, then being able to forgive yourself, then being able to keep them as good friends who taught important lessons, is big healing. It's never as bad as you think, you can let the the fears swirl around you, but still you can manage. You aren't bad, you're just human, and that's ok!! Free yourself with the truth!
I didn’t want to watch and it’s making me feel sick because most of my relationships I have been the’helper’ and this is very uncomfortable- not currently in a relationship because I don’t trust myself to pick right or behave correctly myself- don’t even know what correctly is tbh!
@@indiabilly Hey! I've been there, and it's very painful. Sounds like you're aware and know what you gotta do, learn to trust yourself! Add in some strong boundaries and you're really getting somewhere. It was only when I started to do less for others and more for myself that I was truly able to relate with others on an equal footing. It felt like being useless and selfish at the start but really...when you give more energy to yourself, you have more energy to give authentically to others without getting burned out and overwhelmed. You deserve all that help you give to others. Someone needs to be that special love for your heart, it's you!
@@UnexpectedAmy thank you so much for the reply and the really helpful and insightful instructions, seriously that feels like an actual workable plan xx
I cannot fathom the thought that I did this and pushed my ex away. She was an avoidant, so even more magnified in my case. But I don’t know how to address the fact I pushed away the woman I loved unknowingly. And will never speak to her again.
I just feel like I put so much anxiety and worrying into how others are perceiving me. Just this morning after telling my boss I couldn't come in to work in my brain I'm saying "please don't be mad, please don't be mad, PLEASE DONT BE MAD!" It causes me a lot of anxiety. I think that makes me codependent. After all the worrying about how others are thinking about me and expectations, I neglect how I AM feeling. Because my brain is so consumed with what others are feeling.
I’ve only recently (literally last week) finally had the breakthrough as to why I was this way and what caused me to be so stressed every time I think I have messed up in any circumstance. To the point that anytime I felt a responsibility was placed on me that out weighed my resources available, I completely shut down and froze out of fear. I’ve been terrified of making mistakes my entire life and up until last week. I really thought it was due to minor insecurities or on some level just normal. Now I know that it’s a response from my childhood. I spent most of my time, either with my grandmother, who was a very strict and angry woman, or my mother. I truly never realize the impact of it. Now, when I feel the visceral effects of being triggered, I am becoming self-aware enough to acknowledge the physical feeling is a response to my past and does not apply today. I also try to actively focus on tapping meditations and other modalities to encourage me to take action.
I def agree with this. It’s a control mechanism that we take on. It’s very manipulative and I can admit I was the person who ran around trying to change others. Now that I don’t I’m trying to find myself and who I am outside of being codependent
Having been on the receiving end of it many a time it's so emotionally draining and nerve wracking. I wished these people in my life had minded their own business more rather than watching me like a hawk and taking mental notes (or even secret notes on paper as well) about me to use against me later on. Strangers have done this to me as well. Also showering people with unwanted presents or giving away things you own you no longer want is stealing space in their home and also stealing space in their bags if they aren't at home at the time. I knew someone who would give me clothes and later wanted them back because she was storing her bulky clothes in my home rather than being generous. It's rather like a long term loan rather than gift that the receiver can't call time on until the lender does. I could have thrown out the clothes if I found them uncomfortable or decided to keep them for good if I did like them. She wouldn't have like that.
My mom was massively codependent. Her therapist insisted she go to codependents anonymous meetings. She went once and told me she looked around the room and thought " what am I doing here with all these Losers ? " She never went back. I felt like she wanted to crawl under my skin like scabies and live there. She lived that way until she died. It's so strange to have your primary feeling be relief when your mom dies .
It's the oddest feeling to be happy when a parent dies. My mother almost destroyed my life with her narcissism. When she died, I felt such a deep wave of relief, like a life-sentence prisoner suddenly getting an unexpected pardon. My life began when hers ended. I don't let myself feel guilty for that feeling. It's simply the truth.
My mommy was so codependent and people pleaser she was an energy vampire, she raised us feeling guilty of her martyr life and made everybody around us blame us for her early death, she never had any sense of boundary or self care, I miss her terribly, but after she died I felt “free”
I think that when we are insecurely attached, all the qualities In someone else that we put on a pedestal and admire are actually all the things we have in ourselves but which are undeveloped yet want to come out. It’s a calling to look inward and work on the parts of ourselves that need and want greater expression. Everyone is a mirror. And when we focus so much on the people around us or the object of our affection in order to be seen, heard and appreciated, it is a certain indicator that we need to see, hear and appreciate ourselves first. Most likely, something we have never done before. Often times, living so far outside of ourselves, since childhood (if we learned that as a survival skill), it’s nearly impossible to recognize that this is what’s happening, as we never integrated our minds with our hearts with our bodies. Once we start to think: “I am a person too. I have feelings and wants and needs (and then pay attention to the small voice inside until we can hear it)” and couple that with “It is my right and obligation to self-express,” the world starts to shift as we learn to take up space that our caregivers didn’t properly give us. It makes all the difference and re-routes life to a more fulfilling path.
I kind of look at my healing like practicing my guitar. I have plateaus and I have breakthroughs. The more you practice, the more breakthroughs you get. Totally worth it.
I met a guy a few weeks ago and I instantly could feel the needy energy in him. He was nice but his curiosity felt invasive. Like he wasn't trying to open me up to connect but moreso because he wanted the validation that came from the intensity and instant closeness It felt too smothering. So yes codependents have to be aware that sometimes they are moving too intensely but it's not genuine. This could push away healthy ppl
dating one, and they are VERY draining. phew! also very subtle manipulation. it's NOT loving. never dealt with a codependent before, but it gives me this very sick feeling in my stomach. im breaking up with him. i feel him having this desire to FUSE with me and it feels like a bodysnatchers situation. it's eerie
I like being nice to people. During conversations, I tend to ask questions because I notice a few people like talking about themselves. I never thought about it as being manipulative. I just assumed others might think my life and interests are boring and I hate to come across as self-centered.
I think I make conversations about other people a lot especially people I feel threatened by. I think I do this because it's a fawn response. Like sometimes I can feel unsafe talking about me like I need to hide because I don't think people would like the real me. Or certain people I think are self-centered would sabotage me.
Wondering if todays letter writer struggles with more than just a lack of identity: if the cost of getting our needs met as children is to squash down our authentic self, we do that without thinking. The result is that after so long silencing any sign of ourselves that comes through, the internal belief is that to be ourselves is bad and/or will jeopardize our ability to meet our needs. When expressing oneself is dangerous, our own mirror neurons provide the other people we know as a template of who we must be. After all, if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, surely fawning by being a hollow mirror for others is the way to survive. Personally, that the writer sees that healthy people are a turn off and dysfunctional people are their usual lot in things, is a sign to take a break. Unhealthy relationships are made from unhealthy people, so fixing ourselves first is so important. If I could give my younger self only one tip, it would be to figure out myself first before trying to fit together with a partner! If there is still baggage from the past, trauma wounds and the like, then THAT is what we will find a crap-fit match for. TLDR; clean up the crap first, or else you find a perfect match to the crap you carry. Prioritize learning how to stop being a mirror, and how to see your own reflection for yourself 💛
I used to love asking questions to people. still do but I decided to stop . because it does not give me an opportunity to let them be themselves. I think it is better to let them show who they are.
As a trauma informed therapist, I am really getting a lot from your videos + your topics are incredibly thought-provoking + reflective. Thank you Anna. Your work is very original + brave!!
I disagree that it's an energy feed, but it's definitely about control. Every codependent I've known (including myself) have shaky footing in a relationship unless they can get other people to fit a 'safe box' where the partner's behavior won't ever defy expectation or wound. I got little to no energy from my narcissistic ex; that relationship drained me so much, for years... but I DID manage to keep things feeling 'safe' by trying to control my ex, as if I could possibly keep him from cheating and lying if he only 'improved' past needing to do it. IMHO, codependents need to wake up and realize that it doesn't matter if someone _says_ they're going to change... if _you're_ the one driving it.
I was very codependent with a friend. He was always calling seeking help. I did assist him in finding a therapist. He kept draining me. I had to let the connection go bc I became drained.
I'm super codependent, especially in romantic relationships. Not in the same way the writer is, but I certainly latch on to others in an attempt to self sooth. I've noticed over time (and getting older) as I became aware of own boundaries, and *respect* my own boundires, that it's than easier to respect others bounidres. With out perceiving their boundries as rejection or abandonment. Also just learning to sooth myself more has helped. Then can give and receive with others without feeling like I need to be latched so tightly on them. I think maybe the woman who wrote in is attracted to men who don't want her because they remind her of dad..which might subconsciously feel safe. Or maybe she deep down doesn't want a relationship or closeness so she picks people where that could never be a possibility.
I just spent 3 months at a psychiatry ward after a suicide attempt. This video is a summary of much that I have learned through therapy in this time. I feel like I could have written almost the same letter. This video is confronting but it's what I need to learn to survive. I just came out of a relationship that wore me out because my partner was many times unavailable or distant to me and I responded by ignoring most of my own needs and wants and being there for him much more than necessary. I never really got used to knowing what I want or need and that also makes it difficult to bring myself into the relationship, other than my "altruistic side". It is a challenge not to find purpose in existing for my partner but in existing for myself, because as a child my emotional needs were never really met.
I agree so much. I'm not codependent, and I completely agree with this. Sometimes I see codependent people online be quick to label non-codependent partners who frustrated them as "toxic" or "selfish" or "they didn't really care" and things like that. Sometimes I wish some of these codependent people would recognize their own part in latching on too much to another person, and pinning all their value, satisfaction and actualization on to another person
Hi, as someone who is a codependent and currently at the age of 35 in the codependency therapy course, yeah to get to the point of acknowledgment is difficult. It requires a lot of self-awareness and truly wanting to better yourself even after traditional therapy forms, or other accomplishments in accolades, or failed relationships or addictions take place. Most people don't notice the generational cycles and their families just happening over and over again, so I'm grateful to have discovered it even if it is at 35. And yes I have also struggled with dumping everything on to a non-codependent quickly and expecting them to just get it and be like me. It really requires a lot of work and really clear communication. I'm truly grateful for my friends that understand and are willing to love me through it. But yes your circle will be small, I think that's in general for anyone good people are hard to come by
Us codependent are not trying to be mean. We are trying to make people love us when we feel unlovable and inadequate. We find people who mostly worry about themselves and think we the codependent are inadequate as well.
@@PreYeah A person who wants to be around you will make time to do so. Boundaries AND reciprocity of interest together are a good sign. If they aren't willing to put in an effort to be around you, that's good info for you to have.
I think my codependent tendencies come from growing up with parents who modeled enmeshment for us kids (no boundaries or respect for us as individuals) and also who offered only conditional love. It fostered in me the feeling that I couldn’t be okay (safe or allowed to be happy) unless my parents were happy. I got a heady rush of joy and validation whenever I could make things better, to help or fix whatever was bothering my parents so they could relax and be happy. This was a really messed up way to grow up but once I realized it, then I could stop acting on those feelings. I still have them but I don’t act on them which is huge. Hope this makes sense, much love to Anna and this beautiful community 💗
This is very enlightening for me as a parent. Disciplining is complicated and so so difficult. If she throws a huge tantrum over me not letting her have what she wants in public and I try to explain why and reason yet she continues the tantrum I see ignoring as a negative reinforcement. Not sure if it's healthy. Still working at it.
I just had to slam on the brakes with a friend because of this! I love her but don’t want to lose myself on her like I do with every relationship, wanting to control and impress others to make them like me…. I worked hard to hold myself accountable for this pattern
I used to hang around a woman who i thought was my friend. She was damaged and toxic. I eventually grew tired of the complaining and self sabotaging. She literally wore me out. I started backing away from her, I won't spend any time with her. I just can't do it anymore. I slowly began to see the toxicity, and I acted accordingly until put space in between us.
@@starlightt4094 i actually like her as a person. She is really damaged, ive been working on my mental health. I just don’t have the bandwidth to keep talking about her problems ALL THE TIME, but yet she will sabatage herself. She tends to do a lot of shady things i don’t like. Ive been working on myself for a while, she really needs a therapist, not me.
I totally get what you say, Fairy! I used to date guys who were people I actually wanted to be like, so I tended to sort of compete with them and also resent them because I could not become them. Rather than love them, I wanted to be them! And also they did not see or love me. Because as I was sort of a Copy Cat, voluble with no personality of my own. They would not see someone to respect or care for!
When I’m rushed, I can not talk to others about themselves, the only thing that comes to mind is my life in the current moment. I do come across self absorbed but I can’t do fast paced superficial conversations outside of “how are you?” I can barely remember my own appts so it’s hard to quickly remember facts they’ve shared about their lives and for me to pull from that as they do with me. I love how amazing some people are at conversation and social skills. It’s a dream and a wish that will never come true for me…A fluid conversation. I had a sister(haven’t had a relationship in 20 years) who would badger me with questions and it felt like she was interrogating me. For most of my adult life I didn’t do that but then people would say I didn’t show interest so now I do the too much questioning…..I know plot holes in movies bother me, I always asked a ton of questions about movies so I took that and did the same with conversations. I think I should stop and just listen. I’m also forgetful so I try to ask asap otherwise I’ll seem disinterested by the time they’re done talking I don’t remember any of my questions!
She needs to learn to AKNOWLEDGE HER OWN FEELINGS!!! I am no longer a codependent, and the energy I radiate is t the emotionally-parched “empty cup” energy. She needs to stop denying herself in order to stop accidentally overwhelming others and disappointing herself. Her parents were selfish, dismissive, and neglectful, yet she hasn’t acknowledged to herself and allowed herself to feel the actual neglect and abandonment of that situation. She is caught in the mental gymnastics that every abused and neglected child develops in order to survive. She attracts people who emotionally neglect and disrespect her because she still hasn’t reprogrammed how her parents made her treat herself through their treatment of her. It’s 100% reprogrammable! It just takes daily practice. It’s incredibly soothing because it’s emotionally and psychologically de-congesting. The self-abandonment can only end through emotional literacy exercises. I use Dr. Thais Gibson’s teachings and Richard Grannon’s emotional literacy exercises.
That’s how I got out of Limerence-taking myself out, hiking or on vacations. Both my abusive/narcissistic parents died two months apart in 2019. I fell in to à limèrent relationship with someone and to this day I’ll never really know if it was ‘real’ but I felt pursued by someone for two years. By the time I was on board, one year later he was already letting go which made me work even harder to get him back into phase 2. This is someone it’s hard to detox from because his face is everywhere in my world. But, to focus on me I started visiting new cities on the weekends for the day, an hour or two away, hiking and taking myself out. I even went to Ireland for three weeks by myself and learned to drive on the other side of the road, and learned to rely on myself. I’ve been a mother since I was 20 (I’m now 46), a wife of twenty years, and in 2019 I just needed a release from the pain, the hurt, while also dealing with my two bullying siblings over an estate (ongoing), and trying to healing childhood trauma. Thank you to your videos. Because not only do I really see a pattern in my life of needling attention from those unavailable, but I’m starting to understand the ‘why’ of it all. I don’t know if that three year interaction with that man was ever real or all in my head. Maybe that was never the point. It was real enough for me to realize the life he built up I wish I had for myself and since then I’ve finally put myself on the path to finally getting it. Maybe that’s why the connection happened. Some people need a limerant relationship because it motivates them to be someone who they always known themselves to be but lacked the faith and the ability to do it because they don’t have a working successful model in their own one-on-one world. I still find myself looking at his social media and the highlights for his show. I wish I didn’t, and some months are better than others, but I think I’m in a better understanding of what was happening-at least on my end.
Thanks to person who wrote the letter for sharing her experience. I was like this when I was young. Once we focus on healing our insecure attachment style then we will be able to identify & set boundaries with people who aren't interested in us when dating.
This is so scary I'm literally going through this the last week. I literally had a new potential person tell me you can't ask questions that deep this fast. It makes me feel judged. I feel like I go from 1 to 100
Ohhhh... sorry this happened. I'm the same, I genuinely prefer those kinds of conversations - to get down to it. To me it is the best way to get to know someone. But not everyone is comfortable with that or finds it useful. And however they interpret it - intrusive, presumptive, invasive - is about them, but I think it's also a protective reflex. Going deep is for most people being vulnerable and opening up. We need to feel safe and trust people to do that. I know that I'm not motivated to dig dirt, find skeletons in the closet and hurt people - I'm genuinely interested in those deeper levels - but someone I've just met doesn't know me and still is deciding whether they can trust me and decipher my motivations. You can ask deep questions as soon as you like, but you are going to have people react like this. It takes time and patience, like getting the temperature of the water in a bath just right before you ease in.
I used to hate smalltalk. I wanted to ask so many "deep" questions and was frustrated that people talk about nothing. I realised finally that small talk is there to let you know whether you can trust others with deeper stuff. For example. I was with a friend and one moment i remembered a bunch of tiny good memories and excited, I shared those with her. (She knows i have a traumatic past and that happy memories were hard to come by for me) She threw a tantrum, because she was jelaous, even though she knew she had it a lot better as a child(she has trauma too and i get her behaviour, but it is a fitting example). Her tantrum made me lose my happy feeling over those memories. I regretted sharing. Also sometimes when sharing stuff, people can say things that ruins it for you. Like saying that they hate a song you love. And then all you can think about during that song is how they hate it. After enough of those experiences i realised i need to pay attention to who gets to know what i love passionately. Lots of sharing important things with people, who don't know how to behave around them, can ruin those things and that's why going to the "deep" stuff is dangerous.
Good gosh I feel like this is about me. I try to make people like me by focusing on them, asking questions and not sharing enough about me, too. But as the fairy points out, this isn’t quite the way to get closer to others. I like that one of her prescriptions for Chloe was fun. I’m trying the things written in the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. Taking time to explore my fears and passions is a good release from channeling energy into others. It literally makes you do things just for yourself. Reading challenging books sound awesome too! I hope we can become fully ourselves.
Woah! I never thought that revolving the conversation around the other person was manipulative, but that's so true. I'm still so bad about this, I don't even know how I would talk about myself in appropriate ways--so used to just focusing on the other person and making it about them. I have a new goal to work towards now. Thank you for this video! :)
@@nmania3 Yeah, also, like someone else pointed out, if you're coming from a family of self-absorbed people, you might thinkcentering the other person is how to be polite. I know that's the case with me. I get scared when I take up space because it used to be met with condescension and rage.
I am having to learn a whole new set of social skills, since I won’t over-give in conversations anymore. It’s scary sometimes when I feel I am merely a void. It reminds me to keep expanding my loves and hobbies so I can “materialize.”
Sometimes I let other people drone on and on about themselves because I am exhausted by trying to put in my own two cents. At a certain point, I will give up if I think the person is a narcissist. I am exhausted by narcissists and non-stop talkers. Because, yeah, it should be give and take.
I respectfully state, this line of thought re: the codependency desire. With myself, i try to love and nurture someone the way i wished and wanted in my childhood. Through “soothing” their life, im letting myself feel loved, by my self. If i am alone, there is not much love for me and with no one to shower with “everything”, there is no way in the world I’m going to shower myself.
Yooooo I could’ve written this letter. I wouldn’t call my parents supportive, though. They were very cold emotionally and only showed love from a distance. (I would get lots of fancy gifts and expensive lessons for my interests, but not emotional connection or emotional honesty.) I would go after guys who had really big personalities and lots of friends and everyone would talk about how great they were (or at least interesting). And I wanted that. I wanted people to notice me, and I wanted to learn how to get along with people and make them feel special. I couldn’t notice that I was pretending to have this connection with them because I idolized them and saw myself in them. Like, “you’re like me, but people actually like you and talk to you? Teach me!” As I realized how much I projected onto them and started being more outgoing, caring, and supportive like they were to me, I realized that I deserved more than what they could offer, and also, that I didn’t even know them. I knew what they presented, and only the good things I saw. I didn’t like them for who they were or honestly loved them like I thought I did. They made me want to be a better person, but I had no way of showing them any kind of selfless love. I didn’t love anything. I had no connections with people before them. One of those guys ended up really taking advantage of me because I was so foreign to what it meant to connect to someone. I just gave him all of my time and attention even though he didn’t want it most of the time. I had no sense of self, and I saw that he did, and I wanted that kind of confidence and allure. Not a great blueprint because now I talk about myself constantly. Lol and he also gave me a horrible example of what a romantic relationship should be since he just kept badgering me to sleep with him and then ghosting me when I said I wouldn’t. I think being confident and supportive are both good traits, but I don’t think the rest of that guy’s traits were beneficial for me to take on lol I treated him as a role model, and would offer “advice to be happier.” (That’s funny because I had depression lol) I just wanted him to be my friend and it was very hard to me to acknowledge that he didn’t care about me/idolize me in the same way I did to him. (Which is a good thing, objectively lol)
I'm going to have to STRONGLY DISAGREE with what you said Anna at 7:52 about Chloe's responsible, providing, selfless parents who were emotionally unavailable workaholics. This is exactly what my parents were like too. I grew up in a stable, very Christian, very conservative house in the midwest where we were completely sheltered, we had all of our needs met, zero abuse growing up, no drugs or alcohol, no violence, no instability... AND EVEN STILL... I have trauma from my childhood! Because I was emotionally neglected. Children CAN be emotionally neglected by parents who were stable, responsible, loving caretakers who did an excellent job providing for the family. My dad is a good person and was always very loving and responsible, but he's not emotionally attuned to me and really never has been. Your response to Chloe basically says that a loving, workaholic caretaker is not capable of being neglectful. And your response to her is wrong. Basically my responsible, stable, workaholic parents were not attuned to me emotionally and the emotional neglect from that lack of attunement and awareness of who I actually was as a child has created a lifelong self-worth obstacle.
She said workaholics are emotionally neglectful by definition. I agree saw it in my family. Workaholics aren't trying to pay bills to survive they prefer the office and career over their own children. Even if they seem loving they never had time for our trivial problems. They also let spouses rot on the vine.
I really love listening to people more than talking, talking takes a lot of energy. The problem is when they treat you like you are invisible, and don't take the initiative, like ask you how you are, or what you're thinking, or what you think of what they're thinking. The worst recently, was when I stood up to leave, while someone was talking, and they didn't even flinch, they carried on talking as if I hadn't moved. It was after a dinner. The third person at the dinner had left, so it was just me and this person. And they just kept talking. I eventually sat back down, out of a mixture of 'oh well, I guess I can stay', and a feeling that it would be rude to walk out while they were talking, even though they'd kept talking, which WAS rude. That was when I knew I needed to work a lot harder on my boundaries. It seems trivial, but this is the kind of behaviour that leads to narcissist-codependent relationships, or friendships.
To me this is not trivial, it's the meat and bones of socializing. I do this at the dog park and leave with a reinforced impression that there is nothing to gain from human interaction 😐
This IS a difficult case (thank you for validating my struggle - so much to relate to in this video.) I really relate to the "asking questions" as a conversation technique. It is about trying to show interest - with a touch of genuine curiousity. And ouch! It is trying to get them to like me, while also hoping they'll ask questions about me... but then when they do, I freeze! Scared of ruining it with.... me.
the developmental delay of sense of self hits me like. woah. so that's the name. and overall resonating with the contents of this video. thank you for making this, and i'll check out the free tools to try getting to know and work on myself better.
I understand that those of us who suffer from childhood trauma, neglect, etc. are difficult to deal with at times. Those who are annoyed by us may be facing their own demons and resent being reminded of it when they are not ready to deal with it. This subject is a complicated dynamic. I find that I am annoyed with myself for not getting over certain details. The best I have been able to do is give my children what I did not receive, and now loving and caring for my grand children. Still, I am aware that I never put myself first, but feel that it is too late for me at age 70, but I will give all I can to my children and grandchildren. That is OK. 🙏🏼❤️
NO!! It's not to late I'm 60 and have only just begun my search for answers, and learning so so much about myself Lots of it not pretty but 1 thing that keeps me going is that although I'm damaged & passed it down another generation I was unaware of my behavior until the past few years.Own it, make amends to my children and it will forever be a struggle to Forgive myself!!
What I see happening is : The Narcissist who has problems wants to dump their negative energy on the Co-dependent by telling the CD all their problems with Money & People. BUT, the Narcissist does not want any advice or problem solving as a Team effort. The Narcissist wants you to listen endlessly to their problem, call you with their problems every progression and then just dump the Co-dependent at the end without telling the Co-dependent how it all ended up in the end. It's listen to ME, me, me, me, me but, don't tell me what to do.....or be smarter than me in problem solving.( because I look down on you ).
This was so helpful. I also learn a lot from the honest and self reflective comments of people in this channel. Seeing other people be vulnerable about their own roles and patterns helps me be more compassionate with myself and motivates me to do more work on my own healing. It reminds me that I have the power to better myself and my relationships and ultimately be more open to life itself. So thank you!
This video helped me out. The woman who shared her story, I’m rooting for her. She brings up similar traits my parents have( one emotionally closed off and the other enabling and people pleasing) However, they do have a form of healthiness. Some of these traits rise up in me and I’m noticing them more as I’ve gotten older and had time to reflect on examples. It helps when many of us are healing ourselves to be better partners. What is interesting is when I started dating, I was all about patience and taking things slow and developing meaningful connections. I dated so many fast paced people and those who needed a lot of healing, projected those traits to me. I picked up a lot of habits from them and I feel a little lost at time in my own identity. I’m talking to this guy who is pretty much the younger version of me and I feel shamed that I’m being so hyper focused, insecure, and overthinking each step I take with him. We separated a bit and we are talking again and I feel that it’s less intense. I used the time to refocus on myself . What I also started to do is writing letters to those I’ve dated in my journal. I’ve gotten to only 2 so far but I simply wrote what I learned and tried to be this superhero to them and carry their trauma with me. I’m not responsible for their traumas and I couldn’t be a superhero to them and that their traumas aren’t mine. It’s been helping me a bit because I can separate myself from those past experiences and do what my heart and intentions take me. Actually, it brought out natural traits in me and my leadership skills. I was able to reconnect with this guy being a leader to reach out and connect with him purely for good times and more calmly. I think he feels it too. 😊 I know it takes a lot of work but it’s worth it for yourself.
Codependency exposed! Great video. I had to admit that Codependency is a form of manipulation. I was only ever a doormat so that the abuser would depend on my energy. It wasn’t altruism.
Wow. The insight level of this responce is Epic! Im gunna go re-regulate and then listen to that again with a notepad! Thank you to Anna and the writer for this.
As someone who is diagnosed bpd I feel like cptsd has a lot of the same symptoms. What Chloe described when she all of a sudden gets irritated and discards sounds like splitting. Alot of ppl with bpd are described as manipulative and magnetic, but I feel like it is because we don't have a very strong identity so we take on other people's and like Chloe we put everything into them (the most destructive thing we do because people are drawn to themselves and whoever will mirror them) when that gets tiring, we drop the mask and it can look like a discard but I think (for me) it's exhaustion and just getting tired. What they liked in the first place was Themselves!!! So get to know you, get to be ok with being alone!!!!
This is nice how you talk about codependents like the same token as narcs. They both aren’t perfect. No I’m not taking sides or defending anyone. Just saying that each of these are a emotional dis regulation of emotions and past traumas. Each caused an created a person whom is now suffering with their own broken issues.
I don’t normally comment, but i want to thank you for this. My mom is codependent on a husband with addictive personality traits. Whenever I tried to point out the harmful behavior she exhibited towards her children, she would always say she was just a victim responding to the situation their marriage put us in. She always encouraged us to ‘speak our truth’ when it came to dad and how he hurt us but when we used the same analysis on her, she would call me salbahe (savage, in our language) and say I was turning my siblings against her. I understand that our life together wasn’t easy for her. Often it felt like we were only allowed to talk about our pain if it could be weaponized against dad. When prompted (clumsily by my untrained questions) to reflect on that, she would say something to the effect of, well, you should be glad I stayed at all to take care of you. Idk. Hearing this just helps me unlearn my assumptions about myself that make me think I’m just too sensitive and ungrateful. Part of me is still stuck there. I wish I could go back to my younger self and comfort her, tell her she wasn’t a savage for trying to hold mama accountable to her actions too. That’s all. Thanks for letting me share.
I’m glad you actually said that it’s not always some sick thing, and maybe she’s just naturally attracted to the alpha male. We, as hetero women, are often told that we aren’t supposed to go for our natural instinct of preferring the alpha male, and are supposed to go for these sniveling “nice guys.” Who often turn out not to be so nice after all. Sometimes it really is normal to prefer the alpha male who isn’t, hate to say it, pathetic and cloying.
@@PreYeah Yes, I forced myself to date a few men like this. Men who were sickeningly sweet and so concerned with me and my needs to the point of causing me nausea when I was around them. Being a person who was dysregulated, I tried to ignore my own feelings of disgust and “push through it” because I was told that if I wanted a real relationship I needed to be with a “nice guy,” and these were self defined “nice guys.” It took me years to realize that they weren’t actually nice. They were submissive. Not nice, just kind of pathetic and groveling for acceptance. Which would often result in getting me and them into all kinds of unpleasant situations that I would then, as someone with an actual backbone, have to get us out of. Now I’m with a Zeta male lol. He’s doing his own thing, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. And it’s the only relationship I’ve had that’s worked. He doesn’t care what people think of him, and refuses to let society dictate how he lives. It’s so refreshing.
This is so true. I thought nice women choose 'nice' men (ie Beta men). You see it in the movies where the man is all nice and supportive to the female character. But there's such a big difference between weak betas and strong, emotionally supportive men. I wasted years on weak but 'nice' men. It's only now that I see how manipulative these men were and how they stemmed my growth. As a couple, we're supposed to add to each others live and encourage growth. Facilitating each others failures and weaknesses is not love, it's a trap to keep us all hurt and small.
Hmm. I'm not a straight female😆 so take my words with a pinch of salt, but I think it would be helpful to have clear definitions of what y'all mean when you say "alpha." The cloying men you describe just sound like people with anxious preoccupied attachment style. I think the problem is when so many men and women mistake arrogance (which is a defense for insecurity) with actual confidence. People who are actually confident (which is sexy regardless of gender imo), secure and authentically themsves will also be capable of emotional vulnerability. When I hear "alpha" male the stereotype that pops into my head is someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style who struggles with emotional vulnerability. Just some thoughts.
Well, one thing is for sure, on this channel you never know when you are going to learn something super important about yourself that you've been trying to figure out for decades. Ouch, but also, thank goodness! The past 48 hours have been wild. Until now the epiphanies have been fairly spaced out, but this week has been like a string of firecrackers. It is a lot to contend with, but wow. I've spent over 40 years trying to replace the person that was destroyed when I was 4, a ghost trying to pass as a person. I understand so many things now! It is overwhelming, and sad, and scary, but mostly it is exciting and I feel hope for the first time in a long time that maybe I'm not doomed after all. Could that actually be true? I suppose time will tell. I know this much, I feel like sticking around to find out, and for now that is enough. I don't know how to say thank you for this, there just aren't words. ❤️
I hear you @Teri, and I hear the power in what you describe. This kind of readiness can't be produced on command. You've clearly prepared the way for this transformation. Godspeed!
Your videos are so informative. I use to ask people questions because I found people liked talking about themselves. So many times they would lose interest if I mentioned something about my life so I stopped talking about myself. Now I believe conversations should be reciprocal, back and forth. If the person remains self centered I move on.
Anna you hit nail on head for me, i felt Chloe's letter so scarily same... Chloe you are brave for coming forth... your Parents sound like mine, i feel i followed my Mum & Dad with co-dependant behaviours. i have always tried fixing my partners who did not ask for my help, they did not see their struggles with alcohol abuse etc & i didn't see mine either with anger, co-dependancy. i see how i played equal part in my toxic relationships... still do struggle, hard to see it in moment but when i catch myself i try to change it. All about learning to unlearn bad generational behaviours. All the best to you in Love & Life from 🇦🇺 Thank you Anna 🌷
I saw this before, but on the second view months later, suddenly this video opened my eyes to some of my own behavior. Energy vampire. I didn’t know I was doing this! 😢 Now maybe I can do better.
I think she's suffering from 'If you Like me, you're Obvously a Fool Because I Believe I'm a Big Piece of Shit! Syndrome'. That sends potential romance into the friend zone! Once she has Herself and loves herself, this goes away. That's my experience, personally and as a professional therapist. Just thinking 💜
I've been doing the meditation and journaling. At first, it was very good, and I'd feel calm and have a better day, but lately it just keeps triggering flashbacks and those miserable feelings of disregulation. I'm getting discouraged and don't know what to do.
I hate being asked about myself. I feel incredibly awkward and seem to not have much to say. Which is not good. I would like just a normal exchange, but I feel weird and self absorbed if I say what is a lot in my opinion. I'm the youngest of three and don't like the spotlight.
Hi, I have been with my wife for 30 years, we are incredibly happy together, however this video speaks directly to me regarding all my other relationships or lack of them. Really interesting, really powerful. I think I knew this stuff but needed it verbalised for me. TYVM ❤️
Man, this resonates a little too much. Whew. Just had to set some hard, painful boundaries with a friend who I have felt has been “draining my battery” -ever since I have known her. I felt I had scale it back to a written message to ask her for some space as I knew she would not be able to hear me in a conversation, but would cry or worse, have a meltdown and attack me. She completely validated my choice to step back when she launched back a dramatic series of texts back at me about how I had done her so wrong and dirty and completely broken her heart and she was just this selfless loving friend who never did anything but love me. She said she would never trust any friends again because of me. It felt like she felt entitled to know my every thought, my whereabouts, my plans… and I could tell she felt threatened by my other friendships. If that smothering “I deserve to know all that you’re feeling all the time and it should only be good things if it’s about me - and you should be available to me 24/7 for me to dump on…” is love …. no thank you. It’s a complex world out there. I’m grateful for the chance to be able to better focus on my own healing and developing friendships with pals who can self soothe, self regulate and want to also work on bettering themselves, too -without needing to call me for every. single. issue. they have (**esp** when those issues are on a “wash, rinse, repeat” cycle.) I finally see the old codependent patterns I was engaging in trying to keep her happy and trying to help her get better, make better choices, Etc. and that this was the last narcissistic friendship I had in my life. Amen! This part of the letting go sucks. I still miss her a lot at times but I know this one has run it’s course and I’m ready to move forward.
This was seriously so helpful. I don't have a real family or people who understand where I'm coming from and I'm just starting to date after getting out of an extremely long term relationship. This answered so many of my questions and felt like a mom giving me the advice I needed. Thank you!!!
In the game Pokemon, there's a move that grass type Pokemon use called "leech seed" it's like a 2 step move that allowes the grass type to get hitpoints back, by taking hitpoints from the other Pokemon. There's another move that normal/poison Pokemon like Zubat/Golbat/crowbat use called "leech-life" where they use one move to take hitpoints from the other Pokemon to recover HP for themselves. I think the difference between codependent leeching and energy vampire leeching is like the difference between a Zubat and a Bulbasaur/ -Chicorita- Roselia/Oddish. The grass type Pokemon don't look scary, and can be very beneficial in the Pokemon world lore, but this move is basically like leech life with extra steps, and it also takes energy for multiple turns after the initial "seeding" move, whereas the Zubat's leech-life move only takes HP for one turn. So I guess codependents seed this "kindness investment" into other people , not always in a malicious way, but due to need/lack of self esteem.
OMG!!! THIS IS ME TO A T!!! I totally get u Chloe, it makes u feel broken/rejected/abandonmed!!! I Chase/attract Alpha emotionally unavailable men & run from nice guys & end up so devasted, it's excruciating!!!!
I loved the advice you gave, I think this might be good advice for everyone: read challenging books, learn to do things on your own, meditate, do things that enrich and give you joy. I would also add to that joining a community that promotes maturity, life skills and respect for others can really go a long way to boosting those aspects of ourselves that are underdeveloped. I have found that to be true for myself.
So letting someone talk about themselves is manipulative? Wow…everything seems to be negative. Yes there should be a balance…but maybe that person is not comfortable with the person yet to be as talkative as them. I just think everything now a day is seen as negative. Talking too much, not talking enough, are you asking too many questions, are you asking too little. 😩
Letting someone talk about themselves is not always manipulative but can be. If I'm letting someone talk about themselves because I'm truly fascinated by the stories they're telling then I know I'm not being manipulative. If I'm letting someone talk about themselves too much so that they'll like me then my codependency is manipulative. I know the difference.
The mirroring thing u talked about scares me because I don't have developed mirroring skills from neglectful parents - and now I'm in a world of zoom meetings. I don't even see mt doctors and therapists in person anymore. Its painful to hear this without any of those reassuring gestures that its not my fault I do t get overwhelmed and shut down unless I feel safe.
Your not alone… I can relate.. I think I’m a way it’s pushing us to heal.. I’ve been doing a ton of shadow work and watching channels like these and the personality development school and Briana macwilliams also I’m joining a writing class with author jeff brown… I’ve gone thru 3 journals now figuring out how I was “programmed” and how to decondition it’s been enlightening at times others it’s been very very heavy… we have to feel in order to move.. the body has to feel all the pain hurt it held onto as kids that it never got to express…. You got this warrior
Oh man, this reminds me of a needy neighbor who calls me every year or so, asks me a zillion questions about myself, and then wants to come over or "do something" together. She feels like tape that's hard to get off my hands and I finally have to put her off. The next year it starts all over. Now I set a firm boundary because her neediness is just not my problem.
I had a neighbor who was such a chatter box but all she talked about were her health problems and her incompetent doctors. She was nice enough but I had the flight response after a while. I couldn't handle the feeling that I was just a sounding board for her.
I need to ask questions to find out if they are coming from a real place or if its just a mask (and it is a massive turn off for them). Your right about thinking time , Its just my brain trying to understand how they think so I can be someone they can love. I keep trying to find a solution why my parents left me and never connected with me. I keep looking for answers. Been searching for 49 years and still have no answer why. Don't waste your life like I did trying to out think and come up with plan or answer. Imagine if I spent all this brain power thinking about building my life instead of in the past or focusing on the other person. My life is nearly over and the only person in the world I ever needed to connect with was me.
"So I can be someone they can love" sums it up in a way. That's what a lack of connection from childhood gives us, the idea that we must perform to deserve love and attention, but you and i ALREADY deserve those things, no performance necessary. Not recieving connection is not our fault or choice. My parents couldn't connect because they hadn't worked on themselves enough to provide connection that was functional. Perhaps your folks were similar. It wasn't the fault of the child, no matter how difficult they may be. You are here with the people who watch these videos, learning about what it takes to connect to ourselves despite the past, and that in itself is a sign of hope. Loving ourselves with little to go on is difficult. Make it into a goal to have the best delayed childhood ever and do at least one thing you've considered but not tried. Eat something delicious and find some smiles and laughs when I can, is my motto. Turn the spoons of sorrow into forks of joy 🥰 giving a fork optional 🙃
I am building a relationship with a guy that is in your age and he is massively Cptsd triggered regularly. But we are making small steps forward and it works fine for us. So... your life is not over at all! 😎 you have every chance to become happy, no matter your age. 💞 all the best
I recently met a guy who was asking me rapid fire all kind of questions. I felt like I was interrogated by police. He was so hot and I was so attracted to him but I passed. I hate to be interrogated🤕🤯🥴👿
If I’d written a letter to you in my late twenties I would’ve written something extremely similar. The only thing I knew to stop was to swing the other way and isolate myself so while I’m not getting better, I don’t feel like I’m being robbed from.
Rich and deep. Thank you Anna and thank you writer. Finding myself dysregulated again and again in the past two or three weeks, i will watch this again. I will catch it in another state of mind too. It resonates within myself. Especially with the parts of myself i don't know jet are reacting. Some are waving Hi, some white flags and some are cringing and hiding. This, you don't know who you fully are thing is what resonates with me. I stumbled over a challenging book a few days ago. Read a few pages then i brought it back to the shelf. With a brain aches. Too challenging i thought. And it have been so right... At least to take a pause. Something very important for me stuck in my memory like a seed and created space for it to root. It have been the term: we are not only a being. We are also a becoming. Both at the same time. It stired up my whole brain my picture of the world and who i am. Like felt sense of flexible selfconstruct... 😅 Opened up my perspective a lot. Sometimes i fear losing my (fake) identity over those learnings. It's pretty scary if the most that have been validated/led to some connection in childhood have been the being same as ever. The usefullness or worth for others of what you produce. Even if it's been the arguing of how child had could make it better... Ouch. Didn't deserve this. No one would. It is deeply entangled with my self worth, it's the cape that i have put over myself to get at least some connection. And hide my true self to protect it. Now i learn to put the cape, of how i need to be, aside for a while. I honor every second. To encourage myself to grow in who i am. To get experience feeling safe showing up as myself. Or at least get stuff done that nurtures the true me. Even if i collapse after it. Maybe I can reframe it as a break to digest and integrate the new experience. Your work is helping a lot. Thank you from all my heart.
Brilliant video. My husband and I watch your videos together. We learned a lot about the traits we see in ourselves and other people. We are applying them now and wow ;) I told someone about limerence today, and about your channel. Thank you again!!
I think codependents are trying to avoid their own issues by hyper-focussing on the other.
Exactly
Ooh, this sounds like who I used to be. She'll eventually get to the point where she can't be attracted to the men who are not attracted to her. Men who look at you with stars in their eyes become your type. It's so lovely to be loved for who you are, and that will only happen if you show up as who you truly are.
This is very lovely to hear. Congrats Princess M.
Yes, as I was hearing this, vietnam flashbacks came to my mind of who I used to be attracted to.
Oh thank you for giving us hope. I've stopped being attracted to men that don't show interest in me. I see them as being too full of themselves now.
I stop myself from dating jerks. The only problem I have now is I am not attracted to nice guys I lost a great boyfriend who wanted to marry me. I felt he was too clingy. After we broke up, I realized he was OK without me. He ended up marrying someone else. I've been alone for the past 20 yrs because, I've still only been attracted to jerks who don't want a commitment.
I'm 63 so not sure if I'll end up with anyone. I'm a fearful avoidant due to parents who ignored me.
@@jenn-tubemight still be a blessing in disguise by not being married to anyone. I am like you. Also in my 60’s. I knew I would helplessly make a mess out of any marriage. Better off single than married. ❤
This is spot on! I laze about with no motivation, energy or goals. Then, when I think someone 'needs' me, that's when I become totally energized. Thank you.
I've lived with a codependant person back in college, they would go out of their way to cook, bake and clean for me and everyone else in our building without being asked to the point that I had to ask her to stop cleaning up after me and I stopped eating her food with everyone else because I realised this was going to create a very unhealthy resentment as she wasn't getting anything in return and would actually complain and bitch to a couple of people in our building about it. Eventually it lead to her snapping at ME and jumping down my throat during a discussion with the rest of the house following a dispute about people not cleaning up after themselves and instead of getting mad at the most manipulative person in the building who was clearly taking advantage of her codependant tendencies. I realised her anger was drawn towards me as I wasn't buying what she was selling and wasn't going to feed her unhealthy desire for a forced friendship and her secretly controlling behaviour instead of getting herself help from professionals.
It sounds like she felt safe attacking you. The others are more intimidating. You were a proxy for them. She tore into you, but may have expected the others to apply her points to themselves and change their behavior.
Yes. TERRI Cole *Utube) sats that needy codependents put themself out on a platter, then resent people taking from the platter. You literally declined , and it was a no win situation for the over doer. I just ended a friedship with a friend/neighbor that overgave and overserved. When i asked her what i could do for her, she always relpied, " you just have to be my friend!" UGH! Feeling relieved.
I think some people are so used to being gaslighted from childhood that the very thought of even making things about themselves for a minute seems like a strategy that is going to lead them to unsafety. I've been practicing simple ways of setting boundaries in public. For instance today, it was a small thing, but the pool where I swim laps is often very busy and I am serious about swimming and I swim far and a lot. I don't mind sharing my lane but I simply don't want your foot in my face, or to 'circle swim' and have you go the wrong way. So today someone came up and asked to share the lane, and I said 'sure', but then immediately his girlfriend/partner/whatever was made part of the arrangement, and asked, "can we all swim together?" And I just said, "1 is fine, I don't want to go 3 in a lane. Sorry." The look on their faces was like I had stuck a knife in their chests. AITA? I just put down a little boundary. Some people have NO problem thinking that everyone else is going to bend to accommodate to them, and I have been doing the accommodating all my life. Just the simple act of saying no in a situation like that felt so good. And you know what? They found a lane and I got to finish my workout in peace. Happy ending.
@Kareen Curry I can't speak for you but I don't know your situation, but...people who are overly accommodating tend to invite other people we would describe as 'takers' into our lives simply by our (often unconscious) behavior. If you send out a certain signal, you will attract someone on the same wavelength. If you send out the vibe of 'I will buy you a fancy dinner, wipe your butt, and you can use me as a (metaphorical) punching bag because I'm lonely', then that's the kind of person you're going to attract into your life--you will attract someone who thinks that your offer sounds like a good deal. Of course it doesn't help that it's unintentional. However this sort of willingness to accommodate is probably mostly a strategy to avoid being harmed by people.
If your strategy to reduce harm was to placate a person who was stepping over your boundaries and emotionally (perhaps even physically) abusing you as a child, then as an adult, you will still be placating people, without realizing it. It's wild to think about it that way, as you say to yourself, "I'm so giving!" But really it wasn't giving as much as it was placation. If, for instance, I give up my lane in the pool, then I will avoid something bad from happening. Until you question the situation and ask, "what bad thing am I actually avoiding here?" Placation and love are not the same thing, as I've learned the hard way.
🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽 little by little the fairy says!
That you were able to do that in the moment shows great progress... an initial "yes" from me, usually keeps me unconsciously "yessing" myself into resentment. I hope to be able to do what you are able to do - be clear about my wants/needs and assess each request as it changes (or they push the boundary.)
You did fine… I think they will steer clear of you in the future.
@@billbirkett7166 "What bad thing am I avoiding here?"
Being hated. The fear is a worldview of its own.
The ability to not place your self worth in other people really is the key to overcoming codependency and to not come across as controlling. This inevitably makes you more attractive, which is exactly the kind of thing you wanted in the first place to validate your self worth.
I.e., put God above all else.
I just realized as I was watching this video I go for unavailable men and people that push me away, because! That’s how my mom was. She didn’t want anything to do with me unless she needed something. The more she distanced herself the more I chased, begged and tried and oh boy did I try so she would see me and accept me.
I had been a co-dependent. I was self deceptive and manipulative to receive love. As I have come out and trying to be me. I feel I was very creepy. Co-dependents are running away from their unhealed parts. They are scared of being themselves.
Its amazing how many of us are walking around without an identity
So true
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽
Just realized this about myself and I’m almost 40. It’s a weird feeling. I have always had strong opinions, values and consistent interests and i communicate my emotions immediately and strongly so I assumed I knew who I was. But lately I realized I don’t really know what I want and my big emotions just scratched at the surface, I can’t really identify the subtler feelings underneath. Making such a big realization this late is eerily confusing but also exciting to get to know myself better and more deeply.
Better than the counterfeit identity everyone else is walking around with.
@@mikewallis2987 are they tho?
If you're too scared too watch this video based on the title, take it as good news. You know this aspect of the work scares you. You know you have accountability to take, and it's hard because you tried to give so much.
Being able to tolerate your honest mistakes, then being able to forgive yourself, then being able to keep them as good friends who taught important lessons, is big healing.
It's never as bad as you think, you can let the the fears swirl around you, but still you can manage.
You aren't bad, you're just human, and that's ok!! Free yourself with the truth!
I didn’t want to watch and it’s making me feel sick because most of my relationships I have been the’helper’ and this is very uncomfortable- not currently in a relationship because I don’t trust myself to pick right or behave correctly myself- don’t even know what correctly is tbh!
@@indiabilly Hey! I've been there, and it's very painful. Sounds like you're aware and know what you gotta do, learn to trust yourself! Add in some strong boundaries and you're really getting somewhere.
It was only when I started to do less for others and more for myself that I was truly able to relate with others on an equal footing. It felt like being useless and selfish at the start but really...when you give more energy to yourself, you have more energy to give authentically to others without getting burned out and overwhelmed.
You deserve all that help you give to others. Someone needs to be that special love for your heart, it's you!
Thank you for such a reassuring comment.
@@UnexpectedAmy thank you so much for the reply and the really helpful and insightful instructions, seriously that feels like an actual workable plan xx
I cannot fathom the thought that I did this and pushed my ex away. She was an avoidant, so even more magnified in my case. But I don’t know how to address the fact I pushed away the woman I loved unknowingly. And will never speak to her again.
I just feel like I put so much anxiety and worrying into how others are perceiving me. Just this morning after telling my boss I couldn't come in to work in my brain I'm saying "please don't be mad, please don't be mad, PLEASE DONT BE MAD!" It causes me a lot of anxiety. I think that makes me codependent. After all the worrying about how others are thinking about me and expectations, I neglect how I AM feeling. Because my brain is so consumed with what others are feeling.
I’ve only recently (literally last week) finally had the breakthrough as to why I was this way and what caused me to be so stressed every time I think I have messed up in any circumstance. To the point that anytime I felt a responsibility was placed on me that out weighed my resources available, I completely shut down and froze out of fear. I’ve been terrified of making mistakes my entire life and up until last week. I really thought it was due to minor insecurities or on some level just normal. Now I know that it’s a response from my childhood. I spent most of my time, either with my grandmother, who was a very strict and angry woman, or my mother. I truly never realize the impact of it. Now, when I feel the visceral effects of being triggered, I am becoming self-aware enough to acknowledge the physical feeling is a response to my past and does not apply today. I also try to actively focus on tapping meditations and other modalities to encourage me to take action.
I def agree with this. It’s a control mechanism that we take on. It’s very manipulative and I can admit I was the person who ran around trying to change others. Now that I don’t I’m trying to find myself and who I am outside of being codependent
Same
I'm doing the same, Marilyn. Are you finding anything that helps? It's so confusing when you are coming out of the fog.
You are half way there if you realize that you are codependent and that somewhere there is a YOU that is seperate from the behavior. 🌻
Having been on the receiving end of it many a time it's so emotionally draining and nerve wracking. I wished these people in my life had minded their own business more rather than watching me like a hawk and taking mental notes (or even secret notes on paper as well) about me to use against me later on. Strangers have done this to me as well.
Also showering people with unwanted presents or giving away things you own you no longer want is stealing space in their home and also stealing space in their bags if they aren't at home at the time. I knew someone who would give me clothes and later wanted them back because she was storing her bulky clothes in my home rather than being generous. It's rather like a long term loan rather than gift that the receiver can't call time on until the lender does. I could have thrown out the clothes if I found them uncomfortable or decided to keep them for good if I did like them. She wouldn't have like that.
My dad used to tell me that I only have one job, me. Lol I miss him.
My mom was massively codependent. Her therapist insisted she go to codependents anonymous meetings. She went once and told me she looked around the room and thought " what am I doing here with all these Losers ? "
She never went back.
I felt like she wanted to crawl under my skin like scabies and live there.
She lived that way until she died. It's so strange to have your primary feeling be relief when your mom dies .
It's the oddest feeling to be happy when a parent dies. My mother almost destroyed my life with her narcissism. When she died, I felt such a deep wave of relief, like a life-sentence prisoner suddenly getting an unexpected pardon. My life began when hers ended. I don't let myself feel guilty for that feeling. It's simply the truth.
My mommy was so codependent and people pleaser she was an energy vampire, she raised us feeling guilty of her martyr life and made everybody around us blame us for her early death, she never had any sense of boundary or self care, I miss her terribly, but after she died I felt “free”
@@BlackCoffeeee when my friend told me that death had been healing I felt so zen
@@BlackCoffeeee i think i feel exactly the same. And thats the truth.
Well… maybe she was more than codependent…
I think that when we are insecurely attached, all the qualities In someone else that we put on a pedestal and admire are actually all the things we have in ourselves but which are undeveloped yet want to come out. It’s a calling to look inward and work on the parts of ourselves that need and want greater expression. Everyone is a mirror.
And when we focus so much on the people around us or the object of our affection in order to be seen, heard and appreciated, it is a certain indicator that we need to see, hear and appreciate ourselves first. Most likely, something we have never done before. Often times, living so far outside of ourselves, since childhood (if we learned that as a survival skill), it’s nearly impossible to recognize that this is what’s happening, as we never integrated our minds with our hearts with our bodies. Once we start to think: “I am a person too. I have feelings and wants and needs (and then pay attention to the small voice inside until we can hear it)” and couple that with “It is my right and obligation to self-express,” the world starts to shift as we learn to take up space that our caregivers didn’t properly give us. It makes all the difference and re-routes life to a more fulfilling path.
This is a fantastic comment. Thank you 🙏🏻
Really good! 🙏💖
Your comment gave me an epiphany monent 🙃
I kind of look at my healing like practicing my guitar. I have plateaus and I have breakthroughs. The more you practice, the more breakthroughs you get. Totally worth it.
100%
Excellent analogy.
beautiful
Yes!!!
I met a guy a few weeks ago and I instantly could feel the needy energy in him. He was nice but his curiosity felt invasive. Like he wasn't trying to open me up to connect but moreso because he wanted the validation that came from the intensity and instant closeness
It felt too smothering. So yes codependents have to be aware that sometimes they are moving too intensely but it's not genuine. This could push away healthy ppl
Omg I have the sand issue with a neighbor of mine that I now have to hide from on occasion unfortunately lol
dating one, and they are VERY draining. phew! also very subtle manipulation. it's NOT loving. never dealt with a codependent before, but it gives me this very sick feeling in my stomach. im breaking up with him. i feel him having this desire to FUSE with me and it feels like a bodysnatchers situation. it's eerie
I like being nice to people. During conversations, I tend to ask questions because I notice a few people like talking about themselves. I never thought about it as being manipulative. I just assumed others might think my life and interests are boring and I hate to come across as self-centered.
I think I make conversations about other people a lot especially people I feel threatened by. I think I do this because it's a fawn response. Like sometimes I can feel unsafe talking about me like I need to hide because I don't think people would like the real me. Or certain people I think are self-centered would sabotage me.
Wondering if todays letter writer struggles with more than just a lack of identity: if the cost of getting our needs met as children is to squash down our authentic self, we do that without thinking. The result is that after so long silencing any sign of ourselves that comes through, the internal belief is that to be ourselves is bad and/or will jeopardize our ability to meet our needs.
When expressing oneself is dangerous, our own mirror neurons provide the other people we know as a template of who we must be. After all, if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, surely fawning by being a hollow mirror for others is the way to survive.
Personally, that the writer sees that healthy people are a turn off and dysfunctional people are their usual lot in things, is a sign to take a break. Unhealthy relationships are made from unhealthy people, so fixing ourselves first is so important.
If I could give my younger self only one tip, it would be to figure out myself first before trying to fit together with a partner! If there is still baggage from the past, trauma wounds and the like, then THAT is what we will find a crap-fit match for.
TLDR; clean up the crap first, or else you find a perfect match to the crap you carry. Prioritize learning how to stop being a mirror, and how to see your own reflection for yourself 💛
Wow that was great!
Very well put 👏
Agree. Arno Grün wrote about this beautifully in the 1950s
I used to love asking questions to people. still do but I decided to stop . because it does not give me an opportunity to let them be themselves. I think it is better to let them show who they are.
As a trauma informed therapist, I am really getting a lot from your videos + your topics are incredibly thought-provoking + reflective. Thank you Anna. Your work is very original + brave!!
My therapist approves you fairy!
I disagree that it's an energy feed, but it's definitely about control. Every codependent I've known (including myself) have shaky footing in a relationship unless they can get other people to fit a 'safe box' where the partner's behavior won't ever defy expectation or wound.
I got little to no energy from my narcissistic ex; that relationship drained me so much, for years... but I DID manage to keep things feeling 'safe' by trying to control my ex, as if I could possibly keep him from cheating and lying if he only 'improved' past needing to do it. IMHO, codependents need to wake up and realize that it doesn't matter if someone _says_ they're going to change... if _you're_ the one driving it.
How does a codependent believe that they can control a narcissist?
“Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to be more true to yourself” AR
I just wanna know what level I'm on 🤣 am I even making progress?
@@smileyface702 yea you are, you are here and that means you care about yourself
@@sobradodelobo thanks!
I was very codependent with a friend. He was always calling seeking help. I did assist him in finding a therapist. He kept draining me. I had to let the connection go bc I became drained.
I'm super codependent, especially in romantic relationships. Not in the same way the writer is, but I certainly latch on to others in an attempt to self sooth. I've noticed over time (and getting older) as I became aware of own boundaries, and *respect* my own boundires, that it's than easier to respect others bounidres. With out perceiving their boundries as rejection or abandonment. Also just learning to sooth myself more has helped. Then can give and receive with others without feeling like I need to be latched so tightly on them. I think maybe the woman who wrote in is attracted to men who don't want her because they remind her of dad..which might subconsciously feel safe. Or maybe she deep down doesn't want a relationship or closeness so she picks people where that could never be a possibility.
I'm the same way in a romantic relm....can you give me some tips on how to help this?
I just spent 3 months at a psychiatry ward after a suicide attempt. This video is a summary of much that I have learned through therapy in this time. I feel like I could have written almost the same letter. This video is confronting but it's what I need to learn to survive. I just came out of a relationship that wore me out because my partner was many times unavailable or distant to me and I responded by ignoring most of my own needs and wants and being there for him much more than necessary. I never really got used to knowing what I want or need and that also makes it difficult to bring myself into the relationship, other than my "altruistic side". It is a challenge not to find purpose in existing for my partner but in existing for myself, because as a child my emotional needs were never really met.
I pray that you are alright now. Much power to you!
Then you get those friends who love talking about themselves so much, they don’t leave any room for you to get a word in edgewise.
I agree so much. I'm not codependent, and I completely agree with this. Sometimes I see codependent people online be quick to label non-codependent partners who frustrated them as "toxic" or "selfish" or "they didn't really care" and things like that. Sometimes I wish some of these codependent people would recognize their own part in latching on too much to another person, and pinning all their value, satisfaction and actualization on to another person
I agree
My brother's girlfriend in a nutshell basically. She thinks people who don't drop all their boundaries for their partner are toxic.
Hi, as someone who is a codependent and currently at the age of 35 in the codependency therapy course, yeah to get to the point of acknowledgment is difficult. It requires a lot of self-awareness and truly wanting to better yourself even after traditional therapy forms, or other accomplishments in accolades, or failed relationships or addictions take place. Most people don't notice the generational cycles and their families just happening over and over again, so I'm grateful to have discovered it even if it is at 35. And yes I have also struggled with dumping everything on to a non-codependent quickly and expecting them to just get it and be like me. It really requires a lot of work and really clear communication. I'm truly grateful for my friends that understand and are willing to love me through it. But yes your circle will be small, I think that's in general for anyone good people are hard to come by
Us codependent are not trying to be mean. We are trying to make people love us when we feel unlovable and inadequate. We find people who mostly worry about themselves and think we the codependent are inadequate as well.
@@PreYeah A person who wants to be around you will make time to do so. Boundaries AND reciprocity of interest together are a good sign. If they aren't willing to put in an effort to be around you, that's good info for you to have.
I think my codependent tendencies come from growing up with parents who modeled enmeshment for us kids (no boundaries or respect for us as individuals) and also who offered only conditional love. It fostered in me the feeling that I couldn’t be okay (safe or allowed to be happy) unless my parents were happy. I got a heady rush of joy and validation whenever I could make things better, to help or fix whatever was bothering my parents so they could relax and be happy. This was a really messed up way to grow up but once I realized it, then I could stop acting on those feelings. I still have them but I don’t act on them which is huge. Hope this makes sense, much love to Anna and this beautiful community 💗
This is very enlightening for me as a parent. Disciplining is complicated and so so difficult. If she throws a huge tantrum over me not letting her have what she wants in public and I try to explain why and reason yet she continues the tantrum I see ignoring as a negative reinforcement. Not sure if it's healthy. Still working at it.
I just had to slam on the brakes with a friend because of this! I love her but don’t want to lose myself on her like I do with every relationship, wanting to control and impress others to make them like me…. I worked hard to hold myself accountable for this pattern
I used to hang around a woman who i thought was my friend. She was damaged and toxic. I eventually grew tired of the complaining and self sabotaging. She literally wore me out. I started backing away from her, I won't spend any time with her. I just can't do it anymore. I slowly began to see the toxicity, and I acted accordingly until put space in between us.
That’s what people must think about me
self realization is like a gonggggg
Do you think you would ever be friends with her again if she changed and apologized for all the harm she had done?
@@starlightt4094 i actually like her as a person. She is really damaged, ive been working on my mental health. I just don’t have the bandwidth to keep talking about her problems ALL THE TIME, but yet she will sabatage herself. She tends to do a lot of shady things i don’t like. Ive been working on myself for a while, she really needs a therapist, not me.
I totally get what you say, Fairy! I used to date guys who were people I actually wanted to be like, so I tended to sort of compete with them and also resent them because I could not become them. Rather than love them, I wanted to be them! And also they did not see or love me. Because as I was sort of a Copy Cat, voluble with no personality of my own. They would not see someone to respect or care for!
Great example and sounds like you've made progress :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks a lot. I did, a little. I still have a long way, though!
When I’m rushed, I can not talk to others about themselves, the only thing that comes to mind is my life in the current moment. I do come across self absorbed but I can’t do fast paced superficial conversations outside of “how are you?” I can barely remember my own appts so it’s hard to quickly remember facts they’ve shared about their lives and for me to pull from that as they do with me. I love how amazing some people are at conversation and social skills. It’s a dream and a wish that will never come true for me…A fluid conversation.
I had a sister(haven’t had a relationship in 20 years) who would badger me with questions and it felt like she was interrogating me. For most of my adult life I didn’t do that but then people would say I didn’t show interest so now I do the too much questioning…..I know plot holes in movies bother me, I always asked a ton of questions about movies so I took that and did the same with conversations. I think I should stop and just listen. I’m also forgetful so I try to ask asap otherwise I’ll seem disinterested by the time they’re done talking I don’t remember any of my questions!
She needs to learn to AKNOWLEDGE HER OWN FEELINGS!!! I am no longer a codependent, and the energy I radiate is t the emotionally-parched “empty cup” energy. She needs to stop denying herself in order to stop accidentally overwhelming others and disappointing herself.
Her parents were selfish, dismissive, and neglectful, yet she hasn’t acknowledged to herself and allowed herself to feel the actual neglect and abandonment of that situation. She is caught in the mental gymnastics that every abused and neglected child develops in order to survive.
She attracts people who emotionally neglect and disrespect her because she still hasn’t reprogrammed how her parents made her treat herself through their treatment of her.
It’s 100% reprogrammable! It just takes daily practice. It’s incredibly soothing because it’s emotionally and psychologically de-congesting. The self-abandonment can only end through emotional literacy exercises.
I use Dr. Thais Gibson’s teachings and Richard Grannon’s emotional literacy exercises.
Thanks for sharing your teachings. 🙏🏽
2nd and 3rd paragraph are exactly my thoughts
@@ariadne6104 you’re most welcome! 🧡
@@officialmegastar244 🧡
That’s how I got out of Limerence-taking myself out, hiking or on vacations. Both my abusive/narcissistic parents died two months apart in 2019. I fell in to à limèrent relationship with someone and to this day I’ll never really know if it was ‘real’ but I felt pursued by someone for two years. By the time I was on board, one year later he was already letting go which made me work even harder to get him back into phase 2. This is someone it’s hard to detox from because his face is everywhere in my world.
But, to focus on me I started visiting new cities on the weekends for the day, an hour or two away, hiking and taking myself out. I even went to Ireland for three weeks by myself and learned to drive on the other side of the road, and learned to rely on myself. I’ve been a mother since I was 20 (I’m now 46), a wife of twenty years, and in 2019 I just needed a release from the pain, the hurt, while also dealing with my two bullying siblings over an estate (ongoing), and trying to healing childhood trauma.
Thank you to your videos. Because not only do I really see a pattern in my life of needling attention from those unavailable, but I’m starting to understand the ‘why’ of it all.
I don’t know if that three year interaction with that man was ever real or all in my head. Maybe that was never the point. It was real enough for me to realize the life he built up I wish I had for myself and since then I’ve finally put myself on the path to finally getting it. Maybe that’s why the connection happened. Some people need a limerant relationship because it motivates them to be someone who they always known themselves to be but lacked the faith and the ability to do it because they don’t have a working successful model in their own one-on-one world.
I still find myself looking at his social media and the highlights for his show. I wish I didn’t, and some months are better than others, but I think I’m in a better understanding of what was happening-at least on my end.
Progress can take time, but it seems to be happening for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks to person who wrote the letter for sharing her experience. I was like this when I was young. Once we focus on healing our insecure attachment style then we will be able to identify & set boundaries with people who aren't interested in us when dating.
This is so scary I'm literally going through this the last week. I literally had a new potential person tell me you can't ask questions that deep this fast. It makes me feel judged. I feel like I go from 1 to 100
😌😌😌😌😌 same here, I send u lighttttt
Ohhhh... sorry this happened. I'm the same, I genuinely prefer those kinds of conversations - to get down to it. To me it is the best way to get to know someone. But not everyone is comfortable with that or finds it useful. And however they interpret it - intrusive, presumptive, invasive - is about them, but I think it's also a protective reflex. Going deep is for most people being vulnerable and opening up. We need to feel safe and trust people to do that. I know that I'm not motivated to dig dirt, find skeletons in the closet and hurt people - I'm genuinely interested in those deeper levels - but someone I've just met doesn't know me and still is deciding whether they can trust me and decipher my motivations. You can ask deep questions as soon as you like, but you are going to have people react like this. It takes time and patience, like getting the temperature of the water in a bath just right before you ease in.
I used to hate smalltalk. I wanted to ask so many "deep" questions and was frustrated that people talk about nothing. I realised finally that small talk is there to let you know whether you can trust others with deeper stuff. For example. I was with a friend and one moment i remembered a bunch of tiny good memories and excited, I shared those with her. (She knows i have a traumatic past and that happy memories were hard to come by for me) She threw a tantrum, because she was jelaous, even though she knew she had it a lot better as a child(she has trauma too and i get her behaviour, but it is a fitting example). Her tantrum made me lose my happy feeling over those memories. I regretted sharing. Also sometimes when sharing stuff, people can say things that ruins it for you. Like saying that they hate a song you love. And then all you can think about during that song is how they hate it. After enough of those experiences i realised i need to pay attention to who gets to know what i love passionately. Lots of sharing important things with people, who don't know how to behave around them, can ruin those things and that's why going to the "deep" stuff is dangerous.
Well to me that'll let you know who can hold space for you if it doesn't turn them away
Good gosh I feel like this is about me. I try to make people like me by focusing on them, asking questions and not sharing enough about me, too. But as the fairy points out, this isn’t quite the way to get closer to others. I like that one of her prescriptions for Chloe was fun. I’m trying the things written in the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. Taking time to explore my fears and passions is a good release from channeling energy into others. It literally makes you do things just for yourself. Reading challenging books sound awesome too! I hope we can become fully ourselves.
Great book! I ought to dig out my own copy!
Woah! I never thought that revolving the conversation around the other person was manipulative, but that's so true. I'm still so bad about this, I don't even know how I would talk about myself in appropriate ways--so used to just focusing on the other person and making it about them. I have a new goal to work towards now. Thank you for this video! :)
"Tell me about yourself"
I plead the 5th 😳
The person who asks the questions, controls the situation…
It can be manipulative but in some cases you just don't know what to say and aren't used to talkin about yourself so you ask questions
@@nmania3 Yeah, also, like someone else pointed out, if you're coming from a family of self-absorbed people, you might thinkcentering the other person is how to be polite. I know that's the case with me. I get scared when I take up space because it used to be met with condescension and rage.
I am having to learn a whole new set of social skills, since I won’t over-give in conversations anymore. It’s scary sometimes when I feel I am merely a void. It reminds me to keep expanding my loves and hobbies so I can “materialize.”
Sometimes I let other people drone on and on about themselves because I am exhausted by trying to put in my own two cents. At a certain point, I will give up if I think the person is a narcissist. I am exhausted by narcissists and non-stop talkers. Because, yeah, it should be give and take.
You’re genius… Your understanding of codependents and CTPSD helped me so much to progress in my life and relationships. Infinite gratitude 🙏🏻
I respectfully state, this line of thought re: the codependency desire.
With myself, i try to love and nurture someone the way i wished and wanted in my childhood. Through “soothing” their life, im letting myself feel loved, by my self.
If i am alone, there is not much love for me and with no one to shower with “everything”, there is no way in the world I’m going to shower myself.
Yooooo I could’ve written this letter. I wouldn’t call my parents supportive, though. They were very cold emotionally and only showed love from a distance. (I would get lots of fancy gifts and expensive lessons for my interests, but not emotional connection or emotional honesty.)
I would go after guys who had really big personalities and lots of friends and everyone would talk about how great they were (or at least interesting). And I wanted that. I wanted people to notice me, and I wanted to learn how to get along with people and make them feel special.
I couldn’t notice that I was pretending to have this connection with them because I idolized them and saw myself in them. Like, “you’re like me, but people actually like you and talk to you? Teach me!”
As I realized how much I projected onto them and started being more outgoing, caring, and supportive like they were to me, I realized that I deserved more than what they could offer, and also, that I didn’t even know them. I knew what they presented, and only the good things I saw. I didn’t like them for who they were or honestly loved them like I thought I did. They made me want to be a better person, but I had no way of showing them any kind of selfless love. I didn’t love anything. I had no connections with people before them.
One of those guys ended up really taking advantage of me because I was so foreign to what it meant to connect to someone. I just gave him all of my time and attention even though he didn’t want it most of the time.
I had no sense of self, and I saw that he did, and I wanted that kind of confidence and allure. Not a great blueprint because now I talk about myself constantly. Lol and he also gave me a horrible example of what a romantic relationship should be since he just kept badgering me to sleep with him and then ghosting me when I said I wouldn’t.
I think being confident and supportive are both good traits, but I don’t think the rest of that guy’s traits were beneficial for me to take on lol I treated him as a role model, and would offer “advice to be happier.” (That’s funny because I had depression lol) I just wanted him to be my friend and it was very hard to me to acknowledge that he didn’t care about me/idolize me in the same way I did to him. (Which is a good thing, objectively lol)
I was co dependent and toxic. I only realized that later on and why I got rejected
I'm going to have to STRONGLY DISAGREE with what you said Anna at 7:52 about Chloe's responsible, providing, selfless parents who were emotionally unavailable workaholics. This is exactly what my parents were like too. I grew up in a stable, very Christian, very conservative house in the midwest where we were completely sheltered, we had all of our needs met, zero abuse growing up, no drugs or alcohol, no violence, no instability... AND EVEN STILL... I have trauma from my childhood! Because I was emotionally neglected.
Children CAN be emotionally neglected by parents who were stable, responsible, loving caretakers who did an excellent job providing for the family. My dad is a good person and was always very loving and responsible, but he's not emotionally attuned to me and really never has been.
Your response to Chloe basically says that a loving, workaholic caretaker is not capable of being neglectful. And your response to her is wrong.
Basically my responsible, stable, workaholic parents were not attuned to me emotionally and the emotional neglect from that lack of attunement and awareness of who I actually was as a child has created a lifelong self-worth obstacle.
No, that's actually not what Anna said. It may help to go back and listen to that section again.
She said workaholics are emotionally neglectful by definition. I agree saw it in my family. Workaholics aren't trying to pay bills to survive they prefer the office and career over their own children. Even if they seem loving they never had time for our trivial problems. They also let spouses rot on the vine.
I really love listening to people more than talking, talking takes a lot of energy. The problem is when they treat you like you are invisible, and don't take the initiative, like ask you how you are, or what you're thinking, or what you think of what they're thinking. The worst recently, was when I stood up to leave, while someone was talking, and they didn't even flinch, they carried on talking as if I hadn't moved. It was after a dinner. The third person at the dinner had left, so it was just me and this person. And they just kept talking. I eventually sat back down, out of a mixture of 'oh well, I guess I can stay', and a feeling that it would be rude to walk out while they were talking, even though they'd kept talking, which WAS rude. That was when I knew I needed to work a lot harder on my boundaries. It seems trivial, but this is the kind of behaviour that leads to narcissist-codependent relationships, or friendships.
To me this is not trivial, it's the meat and bones of socializing. I do this at the dog park and leave with a reinforced impression that there is nothing to gain from human interaction 😐
This IS a difficult case (thank you for validating my struggle - so much to relate to in this video.) I really relate to the "asking questions" as a conversation technique. It is about trying to show interest - with a touch of genuine curiousity. And ouch! It is trying to get them to like me, while also hoping they'll ask questions about me... but then when they do, I freeze! Scared of ruining it with.... me.
the developmental delay of sense of self hits me like. woah. so that's the name. and overall resonating with the contents of this video. thank you for making this, and i'll check out the free tools to try getting to know and work on myself better.
So glad the video was helpful, we hope the free tools are as well! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna, your warmth and consideration are on another level. Thank you for sharing yourself with the world, it's a better place because you are in it.
I understand that those of us who suffer from childhood trauma, neglect, etc. are difficult to deal with at times. Those who are annoyed by us may be facing their own demons and resent being reminded of it when they are not ready to deal with it. This subject is a complicated dynamic. I find that I am annoyed with myself for not getting over certain details. The best I have been able to do is give my children what I did not receive, and now loving and caring for my grand children. Still, I am aware that I never put myself first, but feel that it is too late for me at age 70, but I will give all I can to my children and grandchildren. That is OK. 🙏🏼❤️
NO!! It's not to late I'm 60 and have only just begun my search for answers, and learning so so much about myself Lots of it not pretty but 1 thing that keeps me going is that although I'm damaged & passed it down another generation I was unaware of my behavior until the past few years.Own it, make amends to my children and it will forever be a struggle to Forgive myself!!
_I Was A Teenage Romantic Shoplifter_
What I see happening is : The Narcissist who has problems wants to dump their negative energy on the Co-dependent by telling the CD all their problems with Money & People. BUT, the Narcissist does not want any advice or problem solving as a Team effort. The Narcissist wants you to listen endlessly to their problem, call you with their problems every progression and then just dump the Co-dependent at the end without telling the Co-dependent how it all ended up in the end. It's listen to ME, me, me, me, me but, don't tell me what to do.....or be smarter than me in problem solving.( because I look down on you ).
I think it’s the love I didn’t get as a child. The narcs give you a taste of what you have been craving. Only to maliciously rip it away. SAD
Yes, a developmental impairment! Like extreme narcissism, extreme codependency seems parasitic, at times predatory.
Absolutely!
This was so helpful. I also learn a lot from the honest and self reflective comments of people in this channel. Seeing other people be vulnerable about their own roles and patterns helps me be more compassionate with myself and motivates me to do more work on my own healing. It reminds me that I have the power to better myself and my relationships and ultimately be more open to life itself. So thank you!
This video helped me out. The woman who shared her story, I’m rooting for her. She brings up similar traits my parents have( one emotionally closed off and the other enabling and people pleasing) However, they do have a form of healthiness. Some of these traits rise up in me and I’m noticing them more as I’ve gotten older and had time to reflect on examples. It helps when many of us are healing ourselves to be better partners. What is interesting is when I started dating, I was all about patience and taking things slow and developing meaningful connections. I dated so many fast paced people and those who needed a lot of healing, projected those traits to me. I picked up a lot of habits from them and I feel a little lost at time in my own identity. I’m talking to this guy who is pretty much the younger version of me and I feel shamed that I’m being so hyper focused, insecure, and overthinking each step I take with him. We separated a bit and we are talking again and I feel that it’s less intense. I used the time to refocus on myself . What I also started to do is writing letters to those I’ve dated in my journal. I’ve gotten to only 2 so far but I simply wrote what I learned and tried to be this superhero to them and carry their trauma with me. I’m not responsible for their traumas and I couldn’t be a superhero to them and that their traumas aren’t mine. It’s been helping me a bit because I can separate myself from those past experiences and do what my heart and intentions take me. Actually, it brought out natural traits in me and my leadership skills. I was able to reconnect with this guy being a leader to reach out and connect with him purely for good times and more calmly. I think he feels it too. 😊 I know it takes a lot of work but it’s worth it for yourself.
Codependency exposed! Great video. I had to admit that Codependency is a form of manipulation. I was only ever a doormat so that the abuser would depend on my energy. It wasn’t altruism.
Wow. The insight level of this responce is Epic! Im gunna go re-regulate and then listen to that again with a notepad!
Thank you to Anna and the writer for this.
Same here some videos r worth studying and watch until no more tears come out
Very interesting! We have to show up as our full selves in all relationships so we can see who we truly like and who is worth our time.
As someone who is diagnosed bpd I feel like cptsd has a lot of the same symptoms. What Chloe described when she all of a sudden gets irritated and discards sounds like splitting. Alot of ppl with bpd are described as manipulative and magnetic, but I feel like it is because we don't have a very strong identity so we take on other people's and like Chloe we put everything into them (the most destructive thing we do because people are drawn to themselves and whoever will mirror them) when that gets tiring, we drop the mask and it can look like a discard but I think (for me) it's exhaustion and just getting tired. What they liked in the first place was Themselves!!! So get to know you, get to be ok with being alone!!!!
This is nice how you talk about codependents like the same token as narcs. They both aren’t perfect. No I’m not taking sides or defending anyone. Just saying that each of these are a emotional dis regulation of emotions and past traumas. Each caused an created a person whom is now suffering with their own broken issues.
I don’t normally comment, but i want to thank you for this. My mom is codependent on a husband with addictive personality traits. Whenever I tried to point out the harmful behavior she exhibited towards her children, she would always say she was just a victim responding to the situation their marriage put us in. She always encouraged us to ‘speak our truth’ when it came to dad and how he hurt us but when we used the same analysis on her, she would call me salbahe (savage, in our language) and say I was turning my siblings against her. I understand that our life together wasn’t easy for her. Often it felt like we were only allowed to talk about our pain if it could be weaponized against dad. When prompted (clumsily by my untrained questions) to reflect on that, she would say something to the effect of, well, you should be glad I stayed at all to take care of you. Idk. Hearing this just helps me unlearn my assumptions about myself that make me think I’m just too sensitive and ungrateful. Part of me is still stuck there. I wish I could go back to my younger self and comfort her, tell her she wasn’t a savage for trying to hold mama accountable to her actions too. That’s all. Thanks for letting me share.
Appreciate you sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Some of us have low self esteem and don’t want to be in a club that’s would have us as a member.
I’m glad you actually said that it’s not always some sick thing, and maybe she’s just naturally attracted to the alpha male. We, as hetero women, are often told that we aren’t supposed to go for our natural instinct of preferring the alpha male, and are supposed to go for these sniveling “nice guys.” Who often turn out not to be so nice after all. Sometimes it really is normal to prefer the alpha male who isn’t, hate to say it, pathetic and cloying.
@@PreYeah Yes, I forced myself to date a few men like this. Men who were sickeningly sweet and so concerned with me and my needs to the point of causing me nausea when I was around them. Being a person who was dysregulated, I tried to ignore my own feelings of disgust and “push through it” because I was told that if I wanted a real relationship I needed to be with a “nice guy,” and these were self defined “nice guys.” It took me years to realize that they weren’t actually nice. They were submissive. Not nice, just kind of pathetic and groveling for acceptance. Which would often result in getting me and them into all kinds of unpleasant situations that I would then, as someone with an actual backbone, have to get us out of.
Now I’m with a Zeta male lol. He’s doing his own thing, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. And it’s the only relationship I’ve had that’s worked. He doesn’t care what people think of him, and refuses to let society dictate how he lives. It’s so refreshing.
This is so true. I thought nice women choose 'nice' men (ie Beta men). You see it in the movies where the man is all nice and supportive to the female character. But there's such a big difference between weak betas and strong, emotionally supportive men. I wasted years on weak but 'nice' men. It's only now that I see how manipulative these men were and how they stemmed my growth. As a couple, we're supposed to add to each others live and encourage growth. Facilitating each others failures and weaknesses is not love, it's a trap to keep us all hurt and small.
Hmm. I'm not a straight female😆 so take my words with a pinch of salt, but I think it would be helpful to have clear definitions of what y'all mean when you say "alpha." The cloying men you describe just sound like people with anxious preoccupied attachment style. I think the problem is when so many men and women mistake arrogance (which is a defense for insecurity) with actual confidence. People who are actually confident (which is sexy regardless of gender imo), secure and authentically themsves will also be capable of emotional vulnerability. When I hear "alpha" male the stereotype that pops into my head is someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style who struggles with emotional vulnerability. Just some thoughts.
Damn, this was a wild read! Alpha, Beta, Zeta and Nice Guys... Thanks for sharing.
@@smileyface702 so true
Well, one thing is for sure, on this channel you never know when you are going to learn something super important about yourself that you've been trying to figure out for decades. Ouch, but also, thank goodness! The past 48 hours have been wild. Until now the epiphanies have been fairly spaced out, but this week has been like a string of firecrackers. It is a lot to contend with, but wow. I've spent over 40 years trying to replace the person that was destroyed when I was 4, a ghost trying to pass as a person. I understand so many things now! It is overwhelming, and sad, and scary, but mostly it is exciting and I feel hope for the first time in a long time that maybe I'm not doomed after all. Could that actually be true? I suppose time will tell. I know this much, I feel like sticking around to find out, and for now that is enough.
I don't know how to say thank you for this, there just aren't words. ❤️
I hear you @Teri, and I hear the power in what you describe. This kind of readiness can't be produced on command. You've clearly prepared the way for this transformation. Godspeed!
Your videos are so informative. I use to ask people questions because I found people liked talking about themselves. So many times they would lose interest if I mentioned something about my life so I stopped talking about myself. Now I believe conversations should be reciprocal, back and forth. If the person remains self centered I move on.
Anna you hit nail on head for me, i felt Chloe's letter so scarily same...
Chloe you are brave for coming forth...
your Parents sound like mine, i feel i followed my Mum & Dad with co-dependant behaviours.
i have always tried fixing my partners who did not ask for my help, they did not see their struggles with alcohol abuse etc & i didn't see mine either with anger, co-dependancy. i see how i played equal part in my toxic relationships...
still do struggle, hard to see it in moment but when i catch myself i try to change it.
All about learning to unlearn bad generational behaviours.
All the best to you in Love & Life
from 🇦🇺
Thank you Anna 🌷
I saw this before, but on the second view months later, suddenly this video opened my eyes to some of my own behavior. Energy vampire. I didn’t know I was doing this! 😢 Now maybe I can do better.
I think she's suffering from 'If you Like me, you're Obvously a Fool Because I Believe I'm a Big Piece of Shit! Syndrome'. That sends potential romance into the friend zone! Once she has Herself and loves herself, this goes away. That's my experience, personally and as a professional therapist. Just thinking 💜
What a woman you are and how lucky we are to have you! Thank you 🌷
Thank you for the kind words. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Omg 🤦🏾♀️ I’ve been so focused on the other side of the coin. This is draining. I just want to call my authentic self forth and be her.
I've been doing the meditation and journaling. At first, it was very good, and I'd feel calm and have a better day, but lately it just keeps triggering flashbacks and those miserable feelings of disregulation. I'm getting discouraged and don't know what to do.
I hate being asked about myself. I feel incredibly awkward and seem to not have much to say. Which is not good. I would like just a normal exchange, but I feel weird and self absorbed if I say what is a lot in my opinion. I'm the youngest of three and don't like the spotlight.
We understand! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you to "Chloe" for sharing. This sounds as if it could have been written by me. Thank you Anne for all you do!❤
Hi, I have been with my wife for 30 years, we are incredibly happy together, however this video speaks directly to me regarding all my other relationships or lack of them. Really interesting, really powerful. I think I knew this stuff but needed it verbalised for me. TYVM ❤️
Please make a detailed video on developing sense of self
This is great info; I like the idea of camping alone , travelling etc..our culture teaches us not to..
Man, this resonates a little too much. Whew. Just had to set some hard, painful boundaries with a friend who I have felt has been “draining my battery” -ever since I have known her.
I felt I had scale it back to a written message to ask her for some space as I knew she would not be able to hear me in a conversation, but would cry or worse, have a meltdown and attack me.
She completely validated my choice to step back when she launched back a dramatic series of texts back at me about how I had done her so wrong and dirty and completely broken her heart and she was just this selfless loving friend who never did anything but love me. She said she would never trust any friends again because of me.
It felt like she felt entitled to know my every thought, my whereabouts, my plans… and I could tell she felt threatened by my other friendships.
If that smothering “I deserve to know all that you’re feeling all the time and it should only be good things if it’s about me - and you should be available to me 24/7 for me to dump on…” is love …. no thank you.
It’s a complex world out there. I’m grateful for the chance to be able to better focus on my own healing and developing friendships with pals who can self soothe, self regulate and want to also work on bettering themselves, too -without needing to call me for every. single. issue. they have (**esp** when those issues are on a “wash, rinse, repeat” cycle.)
I finally see the old codependent patterns I was engaging in trying to keep her happy and trying to help her get better, make better choices, Etc. and that this was the last narcissistic friendship I had in my life. Amen!
This part of the letting go sucks.
I still miss her a lot at times but I know this one has run it’s course and I’m ready to move forward.
Oh Em Geeee Chloe! I relate to you and how you people please! Thank you for writing in and thank you yet again CCF! ❤
Discovering oneself and traveling alone is so great!! Highly recommended 👍😊
This resonated with me. I feed off of the energy of others and put unavailable men on a pedestal. How can this be changed?
There are courses and coaching to help on the Crappy Childhood Fairy website :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was seriously so helpful. I don't have a real family or people who understand where I'm coming from and I'm just starting to date after getting out of an extremely long term relationship. This answered so many of my questions and felt like a mom giving me the advice I needed. Thank you!!!
So glad the video was helpful! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
In the game Pokemon, there's a move that grass type Pokemon use called "leech seed" it's like a 2 step move that allowes the grass type to get hitpoints back, by taking hitpoints from the other Pokemon. There's another move that normal/poison Pokemon like Zubat/Golbat/crowbat use called "leech-life" where they use one move to take hitpoints from the other Pokemon to recover HP for themselves. I think the difference between codependent leeching and energy vampire leeching is like the difference between a Zubat and a Bulbasaur/ -Chicorita- Roselia/Oddish. The grass type Pokemon don't look scary, and can be very beneficial in the Pokemon world lore, but this move is basically like leech life with extra steps, and it also takes energy for multiple turns after the initial "seeding" move, whereas the Zubat's leech-life move only takes HP for one turn. So I guess codependents seed this "kindness investment" into other people , not always in a malicious way, but due to need/lack of self esteem.
This is where people pleasing and giving to get gets so lost for codependents.
OMG!!! THIS IS ME TO A T!!! I totally get u Chloe, it makes u feel broken/rejected/abandonmed!!! I Chase/attract Alpha emotionally unavailable men & run from nice guys & end up so devasted, it's excruciating!!!!
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
I loved the advice you gave, I think this might be good advice for everyone: read challenging books, learn to do things on your own, meditate, do things that enrich and give you joy. I would also add to that joining a community that promotes maturity, life skills and respect for others can really go a long way to boosting those aspects of ourselves that are underdeveloped. I have found that to be true for myself.
Absolutely!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m here and I’m guilty.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So letting someone talk about themselves is manipulative? Wow…everything seems to be negative. Yes there should be a balance…but maybe that person is not comfortable with the person yet to be as talkative as them. I just think everything now a day is seen as negative. Talking too much, not talking enough, are you asking too many questions, are you asking too little. 😩
I find staying in doesn't lead to ruminating regrets for what I said & didn't say 😄
Letting someone talk about themselves is not always manipulative but can be. If I'm letting someone talk about themselves because I'm truly fascinated by the stories they're telling then I know I'm not being manipulative. If I'm letting someone talk about themselves too much so that they'll like me then my codependency is manipulative. I know the difference.
The mirroring thing u talked about scares me because I don't have developed mirroring skills from neglectful parents - and now I'm in a world of zoom meetings. I don't even see mt doctors and therapists in person anymore. Its painful to hear this without any of those reassuring gestures that its not my fault I do t get overwhelmed and shut down unless I feel safe.
Your not alone… I can relate.. I think I’m a way it’s pushing us to heal.. I’ve been doing a ton of shadow work and watching channels like these and the personality development school and Briana macwilliams also I’m joining a writing class with author jeff brown… I’ve gone thru 3 journals now figuring out how I was “programmed” and how to decondition it’s been enlightening at times others it’s been very very heavy… we have to feel in order to move.. the body has to feel all the pain hurt it held onto as kids that it never got to express…. You got this warrior
Oh man, this reminds me of a needy neighbor who calls me every year or so, asks me a zillion questions about myself, and then wants to come over or "do something" together. She feels like tape that's hard to get off my hands and I finally have to put her off. The next year it starts all over. Now I set a firm boundary because her neediness is just not my problem.
I had a neighbor who was such a chatter box but all she talked about were her health problems and her incompetent doctors. She was nice enough but I had the flight response after a while. I couldn't handle the feeling that I was just a sounding board for her.
I need to ask questions to find out if they are coming from a real place or if its just a mask (and it is a massive turn off for them). Your right about thinking time , Its just my brain trying to understand how they think so I can be someone they can love. I keep trying to find a solution why my parents left me and never connected with me. I keep looking for answers. Been searching for 49 years and still have no answer why. Don't waste your life like I did trying to out think and come up with plan or answer.
Imagine if I spent all this brain power thinking about building my life instead of in the past or focusing on the other person.
My life is nearly over and the only person in the world I ever needed to connect with was me.
"So I can be someone they can love" sums it up in a way. That's what a lack of connection from childhood gives us, the idea that we must perform to deserve love and attention, but you and i ALREADY deserve those things, no performance necessary. Not recieving connection is not our fault or choice.
My parents couldn't connect because they hadn't worked on themselves enough to provide connection that was functional. Perhaps your folks were similar. It wasn't the fault of the child, no matter how difficult they may be. You are here with the people who watch these videos, learning about what it takes to connect to ourselves despite the past, and that in itself is a sign of hope.
Loving ourselves with little to go on is difficult. Make it into a goal to have the best delayed childhood ever and do at least one thing you've considered but not tried. Eat something delicious and find some smiles and laughs when I can, is my motto.
Turn the spoons of sorrow into forks of joy 🥰 giving a fork optional 🙃
I am building a relationship with a guy that is in your age and he is massively Cptsd triggered regularly. But we are making small steps forward and it works fine for us.
So... your life is not over at all! 😎 you have every chance to become happy, no matter your age. 💞 all the best
Dating myself and loving it
OMG YESSSS! All the questions make me dysregulated and I can’t think straight. Let’s just have an exchange
I recently met a guy who was asking me rapid fire all kind of questions. I felt like I was interrogated by police. He was so hot and I was so attracted to him but I passed. I hate to be interrogated🤕🤯🥴👿
I really really appreciate your wisdom and how you share it so genuinely with openness and love. Thank you! 💕
If I’d written a letter to you in my late twenties I would’ve written something extremely similar. The only thing I knew to stop was to swing the other way and isolate myself so while I’m not getting better, I don’t feel like I’m being robbed from.
Rich and deep. Thank you Anna and thank you writer. Finding myself dysregulated again and again in the past two or three weeks, i will watch this again. I will catch it in another state of mind too. It resonates within myself. Especially with the parts of myself i don't know jet are reacting. Some are waving Hi, some white flags and some are cringing and hiding. This, you don't know who you fully are thing is what resonates with me. I stumbled over a challenging book a few days ago. Read a few pages then i brought it back to the shelf. With a brain aches. Too challenging i thought. And it have been so right... At least to take a pause. Something very important for me stuck in my memory like a seed and created space for it to root. It have been the term: we are not only a being. We are also a becoming. Both at the same time. It stired up my whole brain my picture of the world and who i am. Like felt sense of flexible selfconstruct... 😅 Opened up my perspective a lot.
Sometimes i fear losing my (fake) identity over those learnings. It's pretty scary if the most that have been validated/led to some connection in childhood have been the being same as ever. The usefullness or worth for others of what you produce. Even if it's been the arguing of how child had could make it better... Ouch. Didn't deserve this. No one would. It is deeply entangled with my self worth, it's the cape that i have put over myself to get at least some connection. And hide my true self to protect it. Now i learn to put the cape, of how i need to be, aside for a while. I honor every second. To encourage myself to grow in who i am. To get experience feeling safe showing up as myself. Or at least get stuff done that nurtures the true me. Even if i collapse after it. Maybe I can reframe it as a break to digest and integrate the new experience.
Your work is helping a lot. Thank you from all my heart.
If you want to read more about this again one day I highly recommend Arno Grün “the betrayal of the self”
This is so good. I do this with friends. I had to do this as a kid because I didn't want to get kicked out on the streets. Working on it thanks
Brilliant video. My husband and I watch your videos together. We learned a lot about the traits we see in ourselves and other people. We are applying them now and wow ;) I told someone about limerence today, and about your channel. Thank you again!!