Magical Thinking Saved Your Childhood (But NOW It's Ruining Your Life)
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
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As a child you developed the ability to use "magical thinking" to cope with abuse and neglect, but NOW, as an adult, it just might be blocking you from ever escaping troubled relationships, finding inner strength, and living a full life. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who endured deep neglect as a child, and has used magical thinking to tolerate rejection and grief as she lives in the house of an ex for who she still has romantic feelings.
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You just summed up the last 45 years of my life! . I've taken notes to go through - and write my responses.to. Right now, I'm feeling relieved I'm not off my head. I'm happy that I now understand a life that I couldn't get to grips with - and I didn't know why. And was completely bewildered with. I have a lot of thinking to do tommorrow. Thank you for being you. Much appreciated xxx I will be back for more 😊. To have enlightenment is good to understand is going to be hard. Facing up to a wasted life because I didn't have (?) . Knowing I'm going to seriously face a lot. And most of all learn the knowledge skills etc that bring me to me. It's a lit to take on. ( I'm in the UK - its 12.30 A M. here at present)
So glad that this message resonated :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey @moniclare
I totally relate to everything you wrote , and it helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who struggled with this my whole life ; this is a "thing" that many intelligent and wonderful people have ... the clarity I'm getting thanks to The Fairy is miraculous , a dream come true. Yes it is tough and I have sessions I cry pain that was stuck inside my body for decades .. and memories to accept.. but at last I feel the pain is released and that I am moving forward . And there is no going back - because once you see your truth you cannot unsee it ... This is powerful .
I love the way you wrote: "..and most of all learn the knowledge and skills that bring me to me." ... That's exactly what I feel this is about
Way to go to you and all the warriors here and out there walking on our planet ❤️
@@pinkrabbit7672 hugs to you pink rabbit xxx
I can't access your link but I'd love to read your thoughts -- can you comment back with new link? Thanks!
laughing cuz i was just thinking how see summed up my 67 years of life
Does anyone else feel like they wasted a lot of time and money in therapy going nowhere? I have come so far since discovering this channel. Thank God for the fairy!!!
Jessica H, everyone’s experience is different, and I respect your opinion, but I would not have rebuilt my life without professional healers including a psychiatrist and a couple of psychologists I have seen. A RUclips channel by someone sharing their own experience can be helpful, but its benefits are no reason to rule out getting professional help.
naw, the therapists helped me be able to help myself and seek out stuff like this
Jessica I spent YEARS in therapy and tried different therapists and it made me so much worse. My progress didn’t start until I ditched the therapy. I thought I would get so much worse without the therapy but I actually got so much stronger
Yes this is life changing! Spot on!
@@ellekay852 What does progress look like for you? Like how can you tell if you're getting better or worse. I can't tell on my own, cause a lot of times it's just a good mood or not having been in triggering situations for a while.
I am 48 and was told almost every day growing up that my parents wished they’d never had me, I was never told about what happens to 13 yr. old girls when that time of the month starts. Many many humiliating experiences later I finally got the hang of it. Ugh. Anyone else remember those belts you had to wear with those awful pads? I was also made to have an awful short cut hair style that made me look very much like my two brothers. I was bullied all thru school and had only 3 friends for which I was grateful. We were the reject club as we all had messed up home lives so we got each other. I was never told I was loved or special or pretty. On my 18th birthday I skipped school, walked home, threw my stuff in a couple trash bags and left. My entire family turned against me. Fast forward a few years I ended up meeting my husband at the job I was working at the time. He is the most loving gentle man. I know he loves me and I love him, but it has taken many many years for me to finally KNOW someone loves ME, because I never felt love growing up. Next May we will celebrate our 25th anniversary.
Thanks for sharing this. So grateful for your husband! Wishing you all the best! 🥰
I'm so glad you found the love you needed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This legitimately made me tear up. I used to not believe in love but 5 years ago I met the most wonderful man for me and I've been so happy ever since. So much for unlovable 🥰 it took a lot to get into the space I needed to be able to accept that I could be loved, and boom! He shows up right then! Crazy how it works. I'm so happy you found love you deserve! 🥰
@@heathertaylor8904 Thank you. I am so happy you found love. And yes I understand my husband showed up exactly when I needed him even tho at the time I didn’t know that. I hope you have many many wonderful years with your loving man! 🤗
@@tamstams3815 Thank you! 🤗
Another component that makes this worse for those of us with cPTSD is empathy. Not only is there magical thinking and limerance but our natural tendency to be empathetic also cripples our decision making because we can find ways to explain their behavior and toxicity.
Yeah, absolutely. And even more if you're a highly sensitive person
yeah, for me it goes something like this: “it’s not his fault i come with so much baggage - he’s done the best he can, I’M THE CRAZY ONE, etc
Totally relatable
100%. "He's been through a lot"
@@k-isfor-kristinaexactly and "hurt people hurt people"...
One thing that has helped me with " magical thinking" is to have a hobby.. I build model cars for a hobby and I get a lot of joy with it and improves my self esteem without a relationship...
My dad used to build model cars! He would go to hobby town town to purchase. It’s a great hobby. Good luck on your journey
Taking care of the simple things that are essential, like keeping a clean house or taking care of one’s health, will take a person toward happiness even in the absence of a romantic involvement with the ostensibly “right person.” A good healthy hobby like yours building model cars can as well. Good move.
If you're an adult, why not work on an actual car? Aircraft are insanely expensive for someone who works for a living, so adults sometimes build & fly model aircraft. But just cars? Work on a real car! Anything will do, it doesn't matter what make & model it is. Play with turbos, fuel injection etc. It's not a cheap hobby, you'll need a full-time job, but it's MUCH cheaper than having a kid--with all the associated bullshit of having a kid!!
@@devilsoffspring5519 Why the criticism for this viewers choices? What do you mean 'real car'? What a completely insensitive and ridiculous thing to say.
@@robyndismon394 No, that's not what I meant, I meat the car hobby itself--working on a car as a hobby. Modifying it and the like. It's not a rare hobby.
'We get confused instead of angry. We cling instead of running away.' Great insights. Thanks.
Yes, confused and wanting so much for those with a higher EQ to explain what is happening. I sure wish the average person who has had a healthier upbringing would reach out and be more helpful.
💯 I was wondering why I have this tendency when I know better...now I understand.
The key is to look exactly at the situation objectively on paper with some other person you trust will help you see truth.
He says I am Twin Flame/Soulmate
But can't leave girlfriend to be with me.
We've known one another for lifetimes
But can't swim deepest ocean or climb highest mountain to be with me. Or buy an effing plane ticket.
My favorite meme on this:
"You meet someone and are sure you both were lovers in a past life...and 2 weeks later you learn why you haven't kept in touch for the past 2 ,000 years."
HAHAHA😂
That is soo funny meme
And exactly, we have to have 3D proof of action. ❤️❤️
🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣❤
When she said "You are future faking yourself", yeah. I felt that. Wow. What a moment...
BOOM kind of moment :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ouch
Fuck! I just found words for what happened to me in my last relationship. Gaslighting was not precise enough. Future faking is! Thaaaaaank you!!!
That intro -“you end up confused instead of angry”. Boy oh boy is that accurate.
That one hit me hard too
Yes! It was definitely a “whoa” moment!
A Top sign of dealing with a Narcissist is: ‘feeling Confused’.
@@echase416 Yup. And trying to fix it. For me the hardest part for breaking up with a perverse narc (diagnosed, because the term is thrown around quite loosely now) was renouncing my reasons, renouncing being right, renouncing trying to make him understand; and realizing I was angry and hurt and not just “in a complex relationship.”
100%. I perked up at that too. I think the confusion comes from asking more questions when we should just be accepting answers (something I am definitely guilty of!). In case anyone needs Dr. Angelou today: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
"Healthy adults don't heal each other."
Say it again for those in the back!
LOL!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I just found your channel today, and it was meant to be, for real. Thank you! I've already watched four of your videos this afternoon. 🙂
I heard a psychologist on RUclips recently state that that "uncomfortable feeling" you may constantly have around the person is a big clue that you are TRAUMA BONDED. Trauma bonding occurs when you are going through a very painful experience, and you bond with someone who is not good for you. This ties in perfectly with Limmerance in CPTSD.
Similar feelings. Usually trauma bond relationships involve surviving something horrid together though the relationship itself can have enough trauma to develop a bond. Many of my parents generation stayed married partly due to trauma bond IMHO.
yes. he can't be alone. he needs women for their energy. two is even better.
Mammy always made Limerance Friday nights when we were good
Trauma bonding is lot more complex than that. The person who creates the trauma is the one you bond to in a trauma bond. It isn't just any old trauma. It is an addiction to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship.
@@r.p.8906 Outstanding observation. He gets romantic love and attention from the girlfriend and emotional stability, and constant reassurance from Olivia that he is desirable and also doing HER this huge favor by just being in her life.
He sounds like an experienced emotional vampire, it hurts so good, you can't make him stop. You gotta stop it Olivia!
THIS!!
Emotional vampire; well put!
His perspective must be like: “I’ve got a 🐱 secured, plus another 🐱 in the back just in case the first one fails.”
And I’m not trying to be mean. I speak as a woman who used to be naive enough to behave like the second option. It hurts enough to let go, eventually.
I wonder if holding down a regular job is triggering and intimidating to Olivia, and if she fears failing or being bullied. Our workplaces are so often like dysfunctional families, and many of us with CPTSD are apt to be bullied and taken advantage of, and having a flashback at your job is really embarrassing.
Interesting point, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hmmm... that resonated with me. Thanks for the insight.
Wow... That sounds like me!
@@ryrose3431 unfortunately...same here.
I hope we can both face it, come up with mitigating strategies and live this short life to the fullest.
Tomorrow is a new day and i know know no one is coming to save me, a bunch of people have tried in the past but that never works. I know i can do this, and so can you.
Shout out and much love from socal :-)
@Beth Moore
Thank you. Yes. 100%.
This is so sobering. Realizing that I dove into limerance has felt like a death. I know I will find life, buy ut feels like I've been swimming in tar and getting it off me is not easy.
Thank you for finding words to feelings I'm feeling, too.
Swimming in tar is so true!!! The visuals is very similar to a story in writing that has some limerance related to it.
Young people often dive into limerance, since the life of a youth is very empty and consists of little else but the incessant tedium of schoolwork and living with one's parents. There's nothing that young people can do about it since they have no income, so we lose ourselves in limerance to distract ourselves from the inevitable development of nihilism.
As adults, we typically focus on flogging ourselves to have bigger houses, more consumer products etc. as a distraction from the lack of worthwhile meaning in life.
EDIT: Adult guys, maybe 30 years old or older, rarely have limerance, or "being in love", because loving a female partially revolves being attracted to her, which isn't going to happen unless a woman is young.
@@devilsoffspring5519 that makes sense, I'm 41 so I know for me it has been a case of desperate reach for meaning and connection. Even now as I admit this it's sobering and mildly breathtaking. It opens a question of "what now?"
Ditto. I’m praying for us to heal 🙏🏽
I did this every day in high-school, I don't remember much of my childhood but my adolescents was awful. I thought I was a freak for escaping my reality everyday with fantasy but it's how I coped.
How did you stop as an adult?
Absolutely!! My abuse onset was birth. A five year old can’t get anyway, so they learn to go completely inside. Maladaptive daydreaming, or just some method of leaving the room you’re in, when you can’t escape. The older you become, the less this serves you, but it’s comfort can be enticing
Me too
He loves having her there because every time he sees her fumble when he talks to her, he gets a special kick out of it. It really strokes his ego to know that he has that kind of effect on another human being.
I'm tangled up with a covert narcissist and I am doing exactly what she is doing. No more. It ends today.
did you get through with it? How are you now? Stay strong!
@@happytofu5 I did. It was hard. I felt like my guts were being ripped out cause I miss him, but no contact🤷♀️
proud of you!
@@lexiemaep7930 great
@@ellisonbrookey thank you
Narcissistic abuse. Olivia's friend is undoubtedly relishing his 'spiritual teacher role' ... feeding off two women.
Despicable.
Thank you 🙏🏼 “Limerence” I needed that term. “Healthy adults don’t heal each other”
Mmm Limerance, garlic and onions fried in bacon lard
Right? That whole phrase just resonates with me. Those "healing" relationships tended to be the worst.
I don't understand that general of a statement. Somebody you love should be participating in creating a space where you are healing and they are healing. We never stop healing, we can never complete healing by ourselves in order to EVENTUALLY enter a healthy relationship, it's a process that always needs to occur continually...
In rehab we eres warned to not start relationships while there. "Two dead batteries ain't gonna start the car"
More like they simply don't care and unsurprisingly have very little or no capacity for empathy especially those who subscribe to lines of thinking like "pull yourself up by your boot straps" for which people are abandoned being left out to either fend for themselves or rot. It is no wonder why this world is such a mad house. I often wish God would pull the plug already on this science experiment of a world and start over.
The problem that made my limerence even worse is that I'm a poet/writer with a tendency for nostalgia anyway! And I can rationalize through this idea of the 'creative muse' and I'd write poems (many of which are published in literary journals) about this person. Music is another element that brings me into an emotional, longing state. I feel being an artist, while it's good for my creative outpour, is horrible for holding onto the limerent fantasy! I used this feeling to propel my art, and it worked to my advantage because I wrote really strong material! Meanwhile, I was going through life tormented
Try 'Daily Practice'! Free course found here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have the same problem! I’m a songwriter and poet and most of my feelings get poured into my writing. I literally wrote a song called “Limerence” recently. It’s great for my creative output but it feels awful. At the same time I think I’ve romanticized yearning and melancholy a little and have a hard time letting go of it. It feels like a fundamental part of me, it’s hard to shake.
Melanie, same here. I am a writer, and I write only fiction. I have always known that I love fiction because of my horrible childhood. My writing has perhaps helped protect me from relationships. I did marry and have children, but I married a man who is profoundly emotionally unavailable, and that ended in divorce. Watching these videos, I have come to the conclusion that I've never had a healthy love relationship.
I was in the same boat as you and it helped me to find inspiration from other sources--nature, a connection with my spirituality and the idea of love as an ever-present energy instead of something inspired by one particular person, being inpsired by sharing by own healing process, and most profoundly, myself! Be your own muse!! You are probably far more interesting anyway :)
It’s good for me to hear that because my therapist keeps encouraging me to not neglect my once artistic training , and my once aspiration to be a creative in the arts. I’m just about to embark on my journey. It’s really nice to have your sharing.
I’ve done magical thinking all my life, but literally actual magic. I did a lot of inner child work and found the little 7 year old girl who kept working away to keep me happy and safe and released her.
It feels great to not be away in lala land but now am working on staying present and lifting myself out of the depression she helped me to escape. I can see now how much the daydreams helped me stay positive and get through daily life
I appreciate what she (7 year old me) did for me but I’m the adult and I’m here to take care of me and reparent myself
Crystal Newton treaded the mill
This is do beautiful ♥ good luck!
Can you write the road map on how to get out of it
This is great news. The beauty of being an adult now is you can have boundaries and keep the ugly at bay. Here's to hoping your home is your castle of peace and harmony.
What inner child work did you do ?
Subscribed! This is the best therapy session I've ever had in my life. Do you ever discuss how motherless Disney movies, such as Snow White, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, etc. play into this fantasy/magical thinking? To me, those movies were a sort of brainwashing, that convinced/persuaded a traumatized, young, motherless (or parentless) girl (like me) into thinking all her problems would go away when she found her "prince charming" or "knight in shining armor" someday. This repeated trope had me convinced that this was my only salvation, or that I would be "complete" when I found my "hero"... until recently. Your explanation of magical/fantasy thinking, and the resulting disastrous relationships, explains this phenomenon perfectly.
Interesting points! Thanks so much for subbing
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have to wonder how many fairy stories were written by people who were traumatized but lived in the hope that one day they would live happily ever after. I know I am still dreaming and hoping it will happen....that magically those people I found difficult to deal with are going to be transformed from Monsters into to being beautiful compassionate and caring human beings.
This kind of stuff makes it difficult to recognise the Red Flags and when to run away. Also when people are actually relatively decent and ok, as sometimes Monsters don't always look or sound scary.
If you do some research on fairytales you’ll discover how dark they really are…we’ve modernized them to be able to “stomach” them cutting out the dark parts…modern America selling the fake dream as if we’re only supposed to deal with fairytales and not real life. And fairytales are beautiful for the psyche… see them objectively not subjectively and watch your dreams evolve at night ✨
Cinderella was my "magical thinking" movie. Made me believed that someone will "save" me from being abused by my parents. Truth was: I needed to do the saving.
I did and it broke my heart to have to do it alone. I felt worthless from being "picked" and "swopped away". I just had to be faithful and meek/kind.
If I had a child, I would never let Disney movies "raise" them. It's so toxic.
Darn you Disney. So funny but I've been thinking this for years. We are fed fantasy throughout our lives. The movies tell us that no matter how bad it is a man will come and rescue us.... unless we're ugly, then we get donkey and Shrek. Love that movie. I'm just working on me. Bad things happen but my responses are are so much healthier now. Disappointments come up but I keep stepping forward. We are all here to become the best version of ourselves. Bless you and keep going. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is my favorite fairy.. hahaha
I'm a 37 yr old white male, and I feel like you're talking directly to me. I'm in tears. Thank you.
What difference does it make if you’re white?
I got into New Age inadvertently.....it is SO dangerous!!!! Been through a lot of horror and nightmare experiences. Now trying to heal from CPTSD.
Glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Allison Reese I did too and I just sit and watch how traumatized all these people in it actually are. I need spirituality of some sort though. Is there something instead that you follow now?
@@user-ed2km1mc7m why do you need spirituality?
@D, most humans feel a need for spirituality. You are not alone in that. I was raised (loosely) Catholic, had an atheist phase as a young adult, and now consider myself spiritual. I would lean towards encouraging anything which cultivates inner peace, and a remembering of the connection of all things. I’ve found satisfaction and release of a need to seek through meditation more than anything else. I’ve also found benefit in yoga, nonduality, Bufo, and reiki. 💓
Yeah I just threw out a whole bunch of new age stuff, tarot cards, Chakra and Reiki books, "witch craft" books and items.. I am back to Christianity. Its changed my life so much for the better in just a small percentage of the time I wasted on new age ideas.
For people with cPTSD, get rid of the concept of soul mates?!? YES!!!!!!! Thank you for speaking truth.
renting a room in his house is a big no-no. money is energy. You give him energy with your thoughts and your money! No wonder you are single, your energy is not in you! Your energy is in him. No wonder he has a great girl friend. You have fed him energy that attracts people. Move away! Stop thinking @ him. Get a goal and focus on it exclusively. Control your mind.
@@katka1406 it's scientific knowledge. Our thoughts are energy. If we stop thinking of someone, they call us on the phone that day or the next day bc they feel depleted. Even if they are on the other side of the world. About the money, it's pure energy, the more we give, the more they get, the same way as with our thoughts.
@Mom_B_Salty I would have gladly responded if it was not for your lol. Now you just have to do your own research, LOL!
Damn. Now I understand why in my past situationship that dude used to pop up EXACTLY when I firmly decided to drop all thoughts and emotions towards him.
It wasn’t because we are soulmates or bonded in any way. He was simply thirsty. Because he is the pathetic vampire and I am the bomb. So why keep on giving him sht?
Her energy can't leave her. It is siphoned.
Oh shoot this seems like a comment made towards me (I know it isn’t). My mother is the one who is draining me. I want to live, but it is so hard to get away. I am wasting my whole life on her 😞
Thank you for calling out bullshit in a calm and rational way. Soul mates, twin flames, these are all ways people make us feel like we should be joined to them, but it is a totally crap relationship. Thank you for everything, you have changed my life completely and +++
Whenever people talk about twin flames it's usually a toxic relationship and they say it's because you need to learn a lesson. You don't need to learn that someone is going to treat you like trash. Just stay far away from these people as possible. It's a trauma bond relationship. The universe isn't trying to teach you something.
so much of that religious/spiritual talking has led me down terrible paths. it really pains me to think people are still gripped by these ideas
@@kyladanae this is normalized in religion, especially Christianity where too many women would rather say that someone needed to teach them a lesson than admit it was toxic and possibly have unresolved issues from childhood.
@@sc4rlotte456 I agree. Which is why I stick to regular therapy and use faith afterward. Too many talks in the church or even online are spiritualalizing pain in relationships as a form of guidance form god when really it’s trauma. It’s truly just keeps people in bondage which is what the devil would want.
@@ritaevergreen7234 preach
Dear Anna. I thought I was so brave and clever avoiding trauma by disassociating as a child. As you say, it's not so clever as an adult and can happen when one doesn't want it to. I really want to be as real as possible and not flip over to daydream mode whenever bored or stressed. I pray for complete healing from this maladaptive practice. God bless your ministry.
We completely understand! You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I cried immediately when I opened the video. What you said about my childhood was so on point. I grew up as a kind, open hearted and warm person and I even tricked myself into thinking that my childhood was happy and my parents loved me. Lately as I embark on my own healing journey and as I looked deeper into my dysfunctional relationships (I was high on fantasy and none of them lasts for more than three months), I found out about the reality of my childhood. it was such a shocking fact to me and suddenly everything made sense. My parents got divorced before I remember anything, they were just busy with their own lives and paid little attention to me. So I sank into the imaginary world. I needed to constantly move to new houses and I was tossed around to homes of different relatives. My mom was a bit toxic too. She would say I’m worthless countless of times. It’s hard to imagine the little me had to endure so much hardships!
Ohhh Lord I relate to this so much so so much
I didn't begin to process the injustices inflicted on me by my parents until I was in my mid-30's. Subtle, ongoing abuse is tough to come to terms with. We have a lot of company.
Leaving a situation that feels "safe" can be very hard but once you leave you will find your own power. It may take six months to get used to living alone but in the end it's worth it. And you'll end up wondering why you didn't leave sooner. You'll have room in your life for good things to happen.
Thanks for sharing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I woke up from a similar “magical thinking” through an experience. It didn’t take long and I think I was already healing and this person was the final blow to the fantasy mindset. Full blown reality kicked in and I feel like I finally adulted (in my 40s) and I feel free and with so much peace even though nothing in my reality has changed, I am still as lonely as ever. Magical thinking ruins an adult life. Also I started by getting a job after being deeply depressed, then another job that was better and then I am in graduate school. It can be done? OF COURSE.
Thank you for sharing, it will keep on getting better!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Can you share how you found that peace and what replaced that magical thinking....
@@user-yk5xu8gr1e Replace magical thinking for reality. Look at things as they are. I had to accept I was nothing special, that nobody was going to rescue me or cover my needs and I was just another person in this planet and that I was only important for myself. I have been in therapy, reading philosophy is greatly beneficial if you are ready for it. I think also realized I had much more self-respect that I thought I had and that was encouraging.
I'm over here cracking up because this sounds like my own pathetic situations. Thank you for this, I feel blessed that we have people out here like you. Awareness is such a gift.
Thinking same thing here in my life.
It's not pathetic, it sounds really normal when you read the comment from other people. Horrible, but a natural reaction to the abuse, and neglect you've endured ❤️
This is called Tough Love. A
Paid Therapist could never know the proper time to say these insightful truths to us.
She sounds on target!
Tough love truths that feel good :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy and that are Essential for growth and moving forward. Love your work!
My therapist talks about making cakes, her sons, her second house. Because of Anna I looked up AlAnon for Adult Children. I’m 67 years old and I’m so tired of hurting. Thank you for being you.
"Olivia you're stealing candy right now".. I had to WOW at this XD such an interesting explanation.
Thanks for noting that phrase. Those of us who've been there, get it!
I think everyone with CPTSD can agree, that there's no point of reference about healthy relationships for them. How does that even look? Is it so hard to describe how it looks? How it feels? Maybe then it would be much more clear when compare own relationship if it's similar to that?... Is it possible to make such video? Thank you, Fairy! 🌸🌸🌸
There is a course ALL about it called Dating & Relationships :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! I never had any good examples when I was growing up! I have no idea what a healthy relationship is, or how it should look. This definitely makes it easier for predators. It makes me an easy target.
In my case, healthy feels like hurt, while hurt feels like love/home.
🙃
I occasionally enjoy coming back to your channel to feel the dark ugly truth that is reality of CPTSD. It stings for a bit then I accept it and start to heal.
I got diagnosed BPD which i always refuse to be on that label since i am an INTJ. Now I get all of those magics built by CPTSD
Romanticism doesn't work. I made the mistake of putting my wife on a pedestal, idolizing her, and she ultimately walked out on me. In retrospect, I missed all the red flags because I convinced myself she was perfect and that she loved me. I was wrong.
I’m so sorry she hurt you.
I’m sorry for your hurt. A little tough love though -being put on a pedestal is not really what a (healthy) woman wants. It’s lonely and creates tremendous pressure. In my experience it stems from a relationship without true connection -it is a way for you to protect yourself and keep her at arm’s length. Again, my experience.
The person that loves you will love you for you, not for what you do for them.
All the best ✨
Happens to the best of us. Look at poor ol' Prince Harry!
@@jennytaylor3324 😅
@Rob Young
Putting someone on a pedestal won't go well. But many of your loving romantic qualities will be great in a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both will give to and romance each other.
I think more emphasis should be placed in being healthy first, picking a partner with healthy qualities, and then building a healthy relationship together step by step.
That said, after a bad upbringing, it is easy to pick users and abusers.
I just want to take a moment to praise Olivia for the progress she has made. Please don't feel bad for not doing it perfectly Olivia! You are trying and risking a lot by going public. I would be terrified of being shamed, I hope you know how brave and strong you are to get this far...and Yes, you can move forward and release yourself from these old patterns. I thank you for sharing your struggle and know that you have what it takes to move on. Read the comments, you are not alone! Keep up the good work!
SO appreciate you throwing some encouragement Olivia's way!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Gloria Well said Gloria! I felt this ans was wanting to write this to Olivia but didn't know how to phrase it .. (English is not my first language) and you wrote it perfectly !
If you're reading the comments Olivia, go no contact. The first 6 weeks are so hard and it feels so hard, but then you'll have such an increased sense of self-efficacy from having made that decision for yourself. The man who lingered in my life standing in the doorway not going in or out, I guess he taught me a lot about my attachment style too. BUT I LEARNT FROM IT!
Don't keep taking the class.
Love this! Don't keep taking the class. ❤️
You are the truth! Thank you so much for calling twin flames, soul mates, and etc. for what they are. Lies, manipulation, etc.
Thank you so much for supporting the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I heard the term twin flame 5 years ago and believed it did exist for a limerence. By and by, after following the posts here, I threw away this belief right out the window. Lo and behold, am finally free of this limerence and even the thoughts of this person barely cross my mind now. So thank you 🙏🙏🙏
I never knew that this was an actual real thing magical thinking. All I know is that when I was younger I lived in my own little world end it protected me it kept me very very safe and I still do it to this day. Even to this day I still live in my own little happy world. It protects me, it keeps me safe. I do know that my little world is not real but there are times I wish it was.
Gawwwd, I feel for Olivia. I had one of these characters in my life. About 7 years ago now but he didn't want to put a label on it. He spouted Buddhist ideologies that suited him. He said he didn't want a relationship apparently but he was actually in one with me, just without owing me anything, not truth, not fidelity, not commitment, not consideration. I wasn't even respected as a friend should be because he eroded every boundary between a friend and a girlfriend. And like your writer says, it was a blind spot for me because I was obsessing over why he didn't want me instead of just moving on and thinking ''what do I want?''. So glad I saw the light and got turned off him. He got a bit of a shock when I got turned off. There was no discussion about that though.
Thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m in one of those right now 🙁🙁🙁
@@FortheLoveofMonsters You are strong enough to walk away! It is scary because its likely become comfortable for you to stay but trust me when you put him behind you you will be so grateful you left!
Thanks for sharing cuz I’m really hung up over a fling and this is exactly how it was w him :( I’ll try moving on now
I have been that mixed signals, vaguely Buddhist person you describe. Hurts to say, but I spent my 20s leading a string of people on, knowing they obsessed about me and I was never definitive or considerate. I have also been the Olivia character. I fell hard for someone and obsessed deeply about them for years, thought we were twins and soul mates, and all they did was string me along, knowing they could get away with anything. Funnily enough, those 2 characters are in the same boat, rather than being polar opposites. They are both awash in childhood trauma that they can't make sense of, using whatever coping mechanisms they can, even if they are hurtful or unhealthy. It's amazing how long it takes to make sense of all this stuff!
“people can hurt us-we get confused instead of angry.” wow, that’s powerful
Well... crap. I never seen myself in a video this hard.
All my love for Olivia, I hope you find the love and healing you deserve. And thank you so much Fairy, the world really needs you.
This one resonated with so many of us :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I didn't know magical thinking was a term....but I was just journaling about this very thing and how many years of my life I have spent in fantasy. I am an artist so its been confusing because on one hand it has worked for me. However I am learning the ways Ive hurt myself and other people with this. Grew up emotionally neglected by both parents/physically abandoned by mother/alcoholic father, lots of moving etc etc....its a mess. I'm working hard on healing so that i don't hurt my children with my wounds. I'm glad to have found your channel and I appreciate your realness and grounded, empathetic approach.
Glad you're here too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You will still have your creative and artistic side as you heal and don't check out when you wanted to be tuned in.
I relate to this! I work as an artist full time and started to feel the art world as a whole a lot of the time encourages dysfunctional escapist attitudes… There are no rules or regulations like a ”normal workplace” so people do whatever they want and get praise for it. I know many abusive and abused people in the business and sometimes I wondered if u have to be traumatized on some level to work as an artist….
Kudos to Olivia for asking whether she has blindspots bc with New Age beliefs they can cover them up and you end up putting yrself out to be taken advantage of. You can do this Olivia! Love on yrself first and empower yrself!
Thanks for throwing Olivia some support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey Olivia - I just want to tell you you're not alone! I also grew up escaping into fantasy and this coping mechanism carried over to adulthood, connecting me with all kinds of people that weren't right for me and even landing me in the psych ward a couple of times.
The thing I wanted to add to Anna's good advice is that you deserved better as a child, and you deserve better now. I know that may be hard to absorb (it was for me; I would sob whenever I heard the word "deserve"), but I wonder if closing your eyes and saying, "I deserve better" three times at bedtime could have some sort of positive impact on your nervous system.
I think getting a job and taking slow steps toward independence sounds like a good idea, maybe something not too draining so that you can continue to develop your business at your own pace on the side. I used to pack orders at a bakery in the evenings; maybe something similar could work for you?
Take care and thanks for writing. I think many people benefitted from hearing your story because what you are describing is a sign of the times. Big hug and good luck!
Thanks for being so supportive!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I deserve better is such a bittersweet thing to internalize
I'm ridiculously good at magical thinking, but it is ruining my life now 😭😭😭
Acknowledging the Issue is 50% of the battle….
What is magical thinking?
@@gray_rain for me? Thinking there is a magical, reality bending answer to all my problems 😂. So that the people I thought loved me weren't also the ones that hurt me.
This is me COMPLETELY. I’m 35 will be 36 this year and I just became aware of my magical thinking mind. I stayed in a relationship with someone who didn’t care or show up for me. I cut ties 8 months ago.
I’m open for a new relationship and with my new réalisation I access people for who they are and not what my mind wishes to make of them to be.
This helps me set boundaries but also open to love that is not made up in my mind but what the person truly is to me.
This is an epiphany . At 61 , I’m seeing how I sold myself out again and again in abusive relationships . Men incapable and unwilling to be be there for me . No more .
No more!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I totally resonate with how my childhood trauma negatively impacted my adult behavior. As a child between 3 and 7 y/o, I remember being locked in a room and left my by myself and tied inside a sack and left outside the house for hours. My mind understands the reason why they did it - I was told I was an uncontrollable child - but the trauma and feelings of abandonment and rejection stayed with me. It is still with me, having just been left by a man who, again, my brain knows is not a character I would want to spend the rest of my life with - but my trauma induced brain still longs for.
In all honesty, had I not found Anna's posts (alongside taking her courses and establishing a daily morning routine of walking, yoga, DP and EFT - all of which I learned from CCF), I wouldnt have been able to recover as quickly as I have.
I still have a long way to go towards my healing, but I trust I am on the right path
I am almost 51 and I have wasted my life on Magical Thinking.
I can't bring myself to date anymore after ending a year long Crap Fit partner earlier this year.
I'm too comfortable being single now. But I still have that little calling that One Day My Prince Will Come.... aaarrrgh! 🤦♀️💔
I know how you feel... Hope springs eternal! Take good care of yourself and give yourself dignity, respect & compassion.💝
Same. 51. Single. Happy. But still would like to surprise everybody by meeting somebody.
you ain't alone..been through shit 2 relationships
@@cosasderu This is so beautiful. Thank you for saying that to her.
@@cosasderu yes, but you never needed to do that. There are billions of humans here, and we all have unique experiences. black and white thinking is not helpful to anyone.
I've had coworkers that would be super mean and toxic to everyone and then insisted they were being a "mirror" or "teacher" or "helping the person grow." Very hard to deal with people who enjoy doing that
Not fun at all!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for what you're doing. I thought I was healed from childhood hurts after my first painful marriage; my second was like heaven, but he died. I'm having to face that I've still got "leftovers;" I'm still having to be careful of who I allow near me, and why. There's still a "people pleaser" default in there. I hate it, and feel so good when I can face all others as an equal interviewer. Who often says no.
Thank you for sharing, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love the cardboard simile! I think of it as a circuit breaker: after a while, a switch in my brain just flipped and I stopped falling in love, stopped having any kind of sexual/romantic relationships at all. I do miss it, but at least I'm not getting devastated and disappointed anymore.
This has been some of the best "therapy" I could have ever gotten. I didn't even realize how damaged I truly was. Thank you so much for putting out this content. You are a gift.
You’re very kind. I’ll make sure Anna reads your note.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I still do magical thinking especially when my daughter in the next room is screaming at her boyfriend over the phone with such derogatory words that literally makes me shutter and go within and sometimes makes me feel like I need to attack just as I had to in relationships that I chose cause of my upbringing.I finally after 7 years of trying got clean and sober.I spent 36 years of being out there running from my childhood.So many Years Of trauma.Actually its generational trauma.Almost 14 months clean and sober and I’m picking up the pieces of my past and there are way to many days I’m unable to get out of my own way especially when I have so much remorse and guilt knowing that what was done to me as a child I recreated for my own children.It was never my intention but I think subconsciously I believed it wasn’t that bad and that I’m ok.What a lie I’ve led myself to believe.
That is so incredibly difficult. I hope you can move forward.
Oof. The title of this drew me in totally. I've spent many years thinking I lost out forever with one of the loves of my life. Going to watch this right away.
This is a messed up situation. I think he's just using her to pay rent and will kick her out as soon as his actual girlfriend wants to go steady and move in.
I think unless you share a lease. Any time you are renting a room you are generally being taken advantage of.
You think? You can think all you want. You don't know.
Wow. Finally named it. Limerance. I like that you bring up how that person "feeds" off this romantic interest. That's the reason they try to keep you around.
I'm glad you liked it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Seriously, I had been waiting to understand what is going on for 20 years now. Limerance and ROCD. Gah. Thank you for this video.
Olivia, please take the advice of the "Fairy". She is right, Alanon 12-step program will help you. Maybe you can find a female friend at one of the meetings. And getting a better job will also be great for your happiness. Imagine living somewhere that you can feel safe and independent. Best wishes for you to improve your life.
This has been an eyeopener! I'm not a spiritual or religious person but I do suffer from PTSD (started in childhood and compounded when I went to the military and three years ago when I burned out) and I do tend to be clingy and I haven't had a long term relationship in my life and I need a long time (years) to recuperate. I had convinced myself that I was just damaged goods and sharing my life with a girlfriend/wife, which was and is my dream, wasn't for someone like me.
Finally, at 42 yo, I finally got the help I needed by moving back to my home country of Switzerland, and after months of therapy and a lot of reinforcement from my psychiatric nurse, psychologist and GP, I finally started to ponder dating again. Now, I lost everything with my burnout and I'm currently waiting for my disability insurance evaluation, and I cannot study or work due to my PTSD, so I have a lot of time on my hands, feeling useless and being an HSP, my brain escapes to fantasy land and I find myself in that head frame, without realizing it. Thank you for this!
" stop bonding with the pieces of cardboard" Love it
:)
I totally agree that the new age stuff can be extremely damaging to people… thank you for calling this out, I have had so many friends make these claims. It is bad enough to have attachment issue
Ugh, this is so me! Or was so me. I went through a stage that started in my early 30s, and I'm still adjusting to now, where my magical thinking started dissipating. I fought it and hated that it was happening because I depended on it sooo much. I am realizing now how it's actually hurt me in my adult life and accepting that I'm not becoming jaded, I'm just not running any more. But I'm thankful for how it got me through a difficult childhood and for giving me a kickass imagination. Wow! Thank you for talking us through this and how to see clearly through it.
Hi Anna, can you please do a video on "twin flames" or "soulmates"? I think the spiritual community pushes that narrative a bit too much, ignoring how toxic it really is. I love your videos. Thanks 🙏
Edit : you mentioned it in this video. Thank you!!
U r right. Feels kinda brainwashing.
"The intact little spirit". This phrase sounds so gentle yet brings so much hope and strength to my healing. Thank you, Anna, you are a true fairy.
Wow i have no idea why this was suggested to me but wow… the way you broke down this issue was so direct. People need this kind of advice, especially the women in my family. They keep finding themselves in these obviously toxic situations
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I definitely experienced magical thinking in my abuse. My magical thinking was focused from biblical scripture about God's chosen being persecuted then rewarded for the tribulation they endured faithfully. It only brought me more pain and suffering after the initial abuse that I suffered.
"Future Faking" OMG. You just explained my decades-long relationship with my ex. Thank you SO much for this. Everything resonates. I've spent more than 30 years crap-fitting my entire life to make his future faking come true.
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Brilliant video. Learned a lot about my past from this. She is looking for family. Drowning in the process. The guy is the typical bad boy type.
This coaching is so loving and direct and kind. That you are angry at this dynamic on Olivia’s behalf is such an act of kindness and an offering of protection that I’d imagine many of us with CPSD yearn for. We should all be so lucky to have a coach like this in our corner. Thanks for sharing Olivia’s story, and Olivia: we are cheering for you on RUclips!
Thank you for this word and definition --
Limerence - like being in love but an obsession and fantasy. I did that all the time when guys gave me scraps of attention. And True nice guys were overwhelming.
I remember watching Cinderella marry the Prince when I was 5. I thought I would meet my savior one day to be loved and I was excited since my home was not loving
We need to be our own savior by loving ourselves and then choosing another healthy loving person to share life with.
Beautifully said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yessss!!!!!
It seemed like a letter I could've written some years ago. I wish I had someone to make me see what I was doing to myself back then, by accepting so much unfair and damaging treatment. And just lately I realized that he was just a narcissist, plain and simple.
Great video. Hope it helps others going through similar illusions.
Your still excepting candy.. wow, that brought a tear to my eyes .. hope this lady finds the love she so so deserves 💖
Thanks for your support, Olivia needs it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to go into my closet and press around on the walls hoping for a secret doorway that lead to a fantasy land of happiness 🥳🤯 yeah, this is why I'm writing children's books
Awww...I did too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Lol i used to do the same thing with random keys hoping to unlock a magic, invisible door
I brought corn plants into my bedroom closet to try and grow them through the ceiling. Like Jack and the beanstalk. I thought I could escape through the ceiling to a happy, safe place.
The gal that wrote in reminds me A LOT of a person I used to work with. She was an emotional vampire and I’d leave work every day exhausted from having to listen to her go on and on about this guy she was sleeping with who was very clearly just using her for a place to stay. Pro tip: don’t hold your coworkers as a captive audience to your delusions.
Great tip!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was that person for a few years - in a much different context, and it cost me a long term friendship - didn’t realize I was comforted by having an audience for my personal misery at the time
The title alone blew my mind.
My heart goes out to this woman. What an awful childhood to come to terms with and heal from. As soon as you said she felt like she couldn't be herself around this guy, I saw a big red flag with letters 10 feet tall and flashing warning lights. You gave her excellent advice, as usual. I love how you acknowledged and understood how dysregulating it most likely would be for her without a transitional plan in place so she can more comfortably get out of this situation.
I don't want to say anything about the guy. Not necessary anyway; you've already said it.
I'm so glad she's found you, and wrote to you for advice. Wouldn't be surprised if you heard back from her in six months and her life has improved by leaps and bounds.
Sadly, you have hit the nail on the head, Anna. All of it. I don't think it's cynical to reframe the status quo as narc/co-dependent. Poor girl's been hungry all her life, and this jerk's bread-crumbing is no different from the hard-won scraps she scavenged for as a child. We move towards the familiar, not the healthy as human beings. Yes, he's lying back and letting good, nurturing women butter his parsnips for him, to coin a phrase. Some 'men' (very big little boys in short trousers!) seem to attract such women. I know, my brother's one of them. I attract little boys like him who think they want a girlfriend/wife, but really are seeking a nanny! Ergo they have almost nothing to give. This lady sounds like his polar opposite.
"butter his parsnips", that's a good one!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He not gonna want you to leave just having you around is the energy he needs.bringing a gf while she there is abusive ,he gets energy from this too
How to described that healing/sliding cycle just nailed it for me. That's what it's been all along. But I keep trying to fight for that little girl I was, that beautiful sweet innocent little curious soul I once was. Thank you for this gentle compassionate video.
Keep fighting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The memory of my brother saying “I hate you” when I was 4 stayed completely dormant for 13 years
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Kids say things they don't mean and having siblings is a way to learn how to relate to others. For a four year old to here that awww 🤗. My mum used to say..I love you but I don't like you 🤷🏻♀️. Crazy woman she was and no longer in contact.
@@faysmith7248 he said it many times after that. He used to hit me all the time as well
@@faysmith7248 no rational minded adult should be telling a child they don't like them. If they cant keep that to themselves to process it elsewhere then it shows how they dont see or consider the child. That's not a normal way of talking to a kid lol.
This was just really...wow. Powerfully put. I don't want to speculate, but it sounds like you probably felt something in the way those words were said that was really frightening. You buried it and protected yourself as best you could. I'm sorry for the abuse you experienced, and I wish you well.
I like how you say that walking away feels like walking away from the only family you've ever had.... It literally is killing me every time I need to walk away from an unhealthy partnership because I feel I have created home with that person - home I have never fully had and so much craved for
Dang. I just went through something like this and had to consciously let go of the guy. I feel so paranoid about anyone I meet now because I don't want to ignore the red flags again.
I just wanted to say "well done" to the lady who wrote the letter. I know so well how hard it is and I can really see her trying. It takes a strong person to fight a way of thinking that's literally been ingrained into you. My heart goes out to you. I've been doing this my whole life and only just discovered what limerence was a week ago! I knew it wasn't healthy (and frankly, quite embarassing to admit) but I didn't know it had a name. A really good video thank you!
I was being abused from the time i was a toddler. i was too young to know how to handle it so i would dissassociate. This led to 4 + decades of disassociation from any kind of trauma which led to a lot of destruction in my life. Magical thinking is your inner child protecting you. It is so good to finally realise that it is happening so you can move on and heal.
I don’t know ho I managed to find this, but this is one of the most important videos I’ve ever stumbled into.
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
For a long time had idea I lived most of my life in magical thinking mode.
Keeping a tight routine for myself has helped me stay present.
Damn this made me angry too. This woman is totally being manipulated by this narc. The worst part is, I know several women in similar situations.
EVERY time I tap on one of these..it resonates so strongly..so much to realisation..understanding ..so daunting..so much..to address..
THANK YOU
I work on a farm. It's great for me, I have a stable-straight forward boss, clear tasks, and the opportunity to work around other people individually and in a team.
This one is jarring! I went through a very similar situation with someone earlier this year. Looking back on the experience I definitely see it a lot more clearly and this video confirms my thinking. It was a deeply unfortunate situation, but one I definitely learned from! I'm going to let go of any magical thinking and focus solely on healing my trauma, and staying grounded in reality. Thank you so much for your work, you are helping us transform our lives!
For some of us the simple act of putting concerns, questions or life events on paper (writing in other words) can really be calming. A helpful and trusted mentor who's familiar with the AA steps 4 & 5 is another.
I have realized that my addictive behaviors (I am sober 9 years now) began way earlier than substances, they began (**well initially they were set up in childhood w/ CPTSD**) with Limerance as a teenager. I never knew the full definition of Limerance, this has really opened up my eyes, thank you so much.
You are most welcome! I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
As one who has shifted from left brained scientific ways (veterinarian) towards new agey things (meditation teacher, reiki master), the delivery of this was so compassionate, logical, and sound. It leaves room for spirituality, while cutting through a lot of the BS! Very well done 🙏🏻💕
Thank you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I had to disengage from a relationship like this..and my heart goes out to you ,Olivia..but listen to our CCF who speaks light love and truth ❤ and move forward. You can do it! I know you can!
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Very empathetic but direct kind advice . Priceless
Omg this resonates with me so much that I am commenting while listening. This will get shared via social media. I know so many people including myself to whom this perspective can help. Thank you so much for your clarity and tough love. And thank you to the RUclips algorithms. To all on a deep healing journey, know that as Rumi the Sufi poet says: "we are all walking each other home". Thank you again. And I learned a few new expressions and thoughts that are now part of my self-care tool box. No more future faking! Again, many thanks.
Limerence! Naming something and identifying it is helping me see and recognise it and thus be able to work on changing things.
My synchronicity was seeing this video at just the right time 🥺 thank you so much for this!